#i feel like i’m in way over my head
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I think applying tropes commonly found in Sonadow fics to other sonic ships is very funny
Like today I saw the cute posts by Blu-ish about how hedgehogs circle and headbutt eachother when courting and how Sonic and Shadow would do that and I agree.
However I think the implication that mobian hedgehogs do this is HILARIOUS when applied to ships that only involve one hedgehog.
Like Silver starts circling around Espio one day and lightly shoving him with his hip or his shoulder and Espio is like: ???? What are you doing??
Or even Blazamy like- Amy keeps circling Blaze and the less Blaze reciprocates Amy does it more to try to get Blaze to react. Blaze eventually just tries to politely tell Amy to stop cause it’s hard to hold conversation while she’s moving all around.
But later Blaze talks to Silver and is like: “I have no idea what she is trying to do…perhaps she is finding a weakness in my stance? Should I fear her hunting me for sport???”
And Silver is like: uh. Well. I think she’s hitting on you? It’s a hedgehog thing.
And Blaze just freaks out because WHAT DO YOU MEAN AMY WAS FLIRTING WITH HER
#silver would hold that over Blazes head for way too long#cause for the FIRST TIME HE KNEW SOMTHING SHE DIDNT HAHAHA#honetsly another Sonadow trope that I think would be interesting to see with other ships is the paw thing?#like yes some Sonadow fics are very strange about it I’ll admit#BUT#I really like the idea that the gloves are a culture thing it’s just very fun to think of how mobian culture would differ from human culture#like ofc I’m an espilver trigger so my brain goes there like#I love the headcannon that Espio reads romance novels#but I also feel like on Mobius a lot of romance tropes would be things usually done by mammals#since just like in real life I headcannon that mammals are commonly seen as cuter than reptiles even in Sonics world#so Espio gets a little self conscious about such things (cuz he’s a teenager and worries a lot)#he doenst ahve soft fur to cuddle or ears to flick or paw pads#but I feel like if he were to show silver his hands silver would not even care about such things#because silver just loves Espio cuz he’s Espio#looking back on my tags and noticing typos is so embarrassing lmao#like uh I meant to write espilver truther above….not trigger#Aw well whatever#silver the hedgehog#sth#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#espio the chameleon#amy rose#espilver#sonadow#blaze the cat#blazamy
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“Why’s he call you Darlin’?”
on my knees begging my brain to stop trying to associate this song with Sam
#(it’s too late guys i’ve already added it to a couple playlists. i can’t help it)#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted sam#redacted darlin#rp audio stuff#Seven’s Blorbo Songs#music stuff#i fell down a rabbit hole of music videos on YT last night and decided to give this song a chance based on the title obviously#skipped through all the exposition just to quickly find out if i liked the song or not#and as soon as the first line came in i went head-in-hands at my desk bc i just Knew it was over for me#i hate that i like it#it’s very repetitive and giving strong Modern/Mainstream Pop-Rap-Country vibes#but i’m not too proud to admit that i eat that shit up on occasion#‘You’ve been beatin’ ‘round the bush so much you’re knockin’ off the leaves.’ goes kinda hard tho i’m ngl#‘ole boy in a Ridgeline and i drive a Chevy’ would Sam be a truck elitist? hmm#i doubt it. i see him as too practical-minded to care about brand names and shit like that#like irl i think it’s very silly. and perhaps a little questionable to hate on a ‘foreign’ vehicle. but i don’t even like trucks at all so#insecure country boys and their obsession with big trucks are ruining the road for us regular people that just want a normal ass car#but i’ll stop before i go off on a rant about america’s transportation problems#anyways. i can separate reality from fiction and i love the image of Sam in a beat up beloved old truck. cliché as it may be#getting back on track. my POINT was that the song doesn’t even necessarily fit Sam’s vibes i just. can’t undo the association#been trying to think of a way for it to fit him but that would require Darlin’ to be cheating on him and i don’t like that thought#like i love some types of angst but cheating isn’t one of them#i could view it through the context of being directed at Alexis bc i already hate her lmao but once again it doesn’t fit in canon#and i don’t know how i feel about the thought that he used to call her Darlin’ too. though it’s very possible. mmm angst#not that it has to fit with canon for me to attach a song to a character. certainly not! but i need to make it work in my mind Somehow#and i can’t even come up with a good HC to make this fit. the idea of Jealous!Sam is fun in theory but idk if i’d like it practice anyways#tldr: does this really fit canon Sam? meh. Is it forever tied to him in my mind anyways due to the use of the petname Darlin’? absolutely.#anywho. one of these days i’ll open this app to do something other than vent post or yap abt rp audio blorbos. but that day is not today!
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interrupting loquat week w shinobu 😇
#natsuyuu#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#my art#shinobu#miss matoba#going to word vomit on why i love her so bear w me ^_^#the idea of matoba having a sister an older sister that can’t see youkai is genuinely my favorite foil to seiji#ty midorikawa for creating her#i find it so interesting that even though people knew seiji was probably going to take over as clan head instead of her yet maintaining face#and trying to make up for it in things like dresses and portraits kind of signifies (to me at least) how her time in the clan was#no one caring about her besides treating her like the lady of the clan#AND THE WAY NO ONE SAID A WORD ABOUT HER .#about her EXISTENCE.#it’s probably kept a secret just because it’d be a lot of drama but still#also the watch youkai that she made (if i remember correctly) so that she can see ? hot.#i’m just now realizing that anytime seiji mentions her he always says sister ?? he never says her name??#idk it’s late sorry lol#also i need midorikawa to establish the age gap for these two bc if not imma just keep running w what im doing#i feel like shinobu’s at least 3 years older#if not more#ok bye
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the fact that doctors can just Recommend Weight Loss with no instructions beyond ‘eat healthier/less’ is actually insane to me, i lost weight on purpose ONCE and it took me like 6 years to recover a semi-normal relationship with food and hunger
#uhh#disordered eating cw#just in case#mumbling#like jfc i know i’m not the first to say it and my experience is relatively SO tame#but it STILL fucked with my head for YEARS#and most people don’t go nearly that long between weight loss attempts at all for basically their whole lives!!!!!#and we’re so blasé about it like yeah just eat less to lose weight#and so few people talk about the really weird shit that phase of my life taught me even though they seem like pretty universal things#like when you lose weight deliberately by denying yourself food you get COLD#you get cold and you get in your head and you get sad it’s like being less alive#the times i’ve lost weight/recomped on accident (by doing smth that makes me move more‚ getting better sleep etc)#it’s been WARM#burn hotter move freer feel happier#and also the way hunger feels when you’ve been denying yourself food for an extended time is NOT the same as baseline hunger#it’s actually kind of wild that we use the same word to describe both feelings like that shit is NOT the same#that shit is not ‘being really hungry’ it’s a fuckin. blood curse or some shit you feel straight up unhinged#and i should disclaim here i am not talking large amounts of weight#i’ve fluctuated over i think a 20lb range max since reaching close to my adult height and that’s a guesstimate#but even in my relatively unremarkable little experiences here the way deliberate weight loss fucked with my brain is absurd to me#i’m fine now have been for years but seriously thinking back on it the fact that this is routine medical advice. unreal
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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Been having a rough couple of days. Send me asks?
#Long story short: I’m quitting my job! Yippee!! 🎉#Don’t wanna get TOO into it but I’m so fucking tired of being treated like shit and getting blamed for things completely out of my control#I’m done. I’ve BEEN done for months at this point#And now it’s at the point where my boss doesn’t think I’m doing my job right bc she keeps finding issues that again. Aren’t my fault#I’m sorry I can’t control everything for you! I don’t have that kind of power! I can’t make things magically happen the way you want!!#My other coworkers have been undergoing the same bullshit treatment so I know I’m not alone#But yeah I’m getting the hell out of dodge. My mental health has been sooooooo bad lately#I cannae. I’m going to end up dead in a ditch at this rate#Had the WORST panic attack of my life yesterday and my mom and I were both like. Yeah. It’s time for you to leave#Have fun running the department without me! Bye!! :)))))#Shima speaks#Vent#Anyway I’m a goddamn mess. Sorry. Lol!#I’m dreading going back to work on Monday I would literally rather claw my own eyeballs out#It SUCKS bc I know none of this is my fault but I still feel like shit anyway.#And I WANT to draw bc it’s the one thing that makes me happy but I just#Can’t. Right now. I’m not in a good emotional state#It feels like physical torture to sit down at my desk and put my pen to my tablet#Slams my head into the wall#I’m soooo tired girlies. I’m so over it#Anyway. Send me asks. Keep me company while I try not to have another breakdown. Tee hee <3
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#not using my big girl brain OR the tags im just turning the thots over like a boiled sweet on a cold winter day but#there is something to be said for the parallels between carla and liam / carla and lisa#more to the point specifically for today’s thoughts: carla telling lisa that she loves her and lisa not saying it back#even if it’s so obvious to we the viewers (and ofc with vicky’s confirmation) that she feels the same but is obviously struggling with it#rewatching those old scenes really put carla and liam into perspective as a thirty year old and not a thirteen-fourteen year old#but that she opens herself to him so completely and so immediately and even though he shows hesitation she doesn’t let it stop her#she tells him don’t worry you’ll get there because i know we’re meant to be i know this is right i know and i trust in us and in you#and then he goes back to maria#and now present day carla confessing her Big Feelings and lisa hesitates#and it’s like it’s happening all over again#she likes lisa more than lisa likes her#and she’s been here before and she knows what it means#and best case scenario it takes lisa another several months to come to terms with her feelings and now she’s just been told that she might#not have that long to wait#she needs in she needs security she needs immediacy she needs anything but hesitation#god though ESPECIALLY after liam was the one who carla brought up when discussing lost love with lisa and not peter#not paul#(haha bird joke)#idk it’s in my head like worms#rewatching those old liarla scenes last night was like a punch to the gut i forgot they went through all of what they did#and now again…… UGGGHH#anyway#not to say i’m concerned because i truly believe they’ll work this out the way they’ve worked everything out so far:#thoroughly and together#and i cannot waaaaait to watch#that’s it that’s my lunch hour thought of the day#coronation street spoilers
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Well, on the upside, Veilguard’s absolutely horrid writing and utter lack of meaningful roleplay mechanics made me appreciate Inquisition’s already watered-down writing and roleplay mechanics.
#Emmrich’s pretty much the only decent companion but my god.#This game feels like a daycare simulator.#No option but to be nice to and validate everyone even when they’re being objectively awful themselves (looking at Taash in particular)#The stakes should feel high but instead I just feel like I’m babysitting toddlers#And normally I’m a completionist who loves doing all the quests but the game actively forces you into it#You HAVE to recruit all the companions; you HAVE to baby and validate them all; you HAVE to complete all their quests#No option to even mention the supposed Dire Stakes of the universe.#The game treats you like you’re seven and over-explains everything to you. The maps are terrible even if they look good.#The voice acting for a few companions is… questionable.#For a game we waited ten years for it feels like someone’s rough/unfinished first draft.#And again no truly meaningful roleplay choices or actions.#The game just forces you to be nice to everyone. Rook feels like an inveterate spectator and an invertebrate to boot. Utterly spineless.#Every time we see a returning companion I feel like Hadvar: ‘Who… are you?’#Because they act nothing like their previously established personalities & it’s like Veilguard goes out of its way to ignore previous games#The head writer’s self-insert is painfully obvious and atrociously-written in particular#You can only be a Good Nice Guy#Maybe sometimes a Stern Nice Guy and very occasionally a Nice Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny But Isn’t#Just! My god.#I want to return the game. For the first time ever in my life.#So disappointed.#text#chey.txt
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If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than I’m against the world.
#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors#infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but it’s like#he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in#black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression#but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience#plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns#Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me#like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions#he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because he’s self#righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand#saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault#but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up#I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me#you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because he’s playing by a story he’s been perpetuating in his#head about you two and the effect one man has when he’s continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead#to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home#like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol#also still can’t get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate#when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how it’s really is never one man#it the process and he’s so annoying about it like he’s a cool character but if you don’t believe in his philosophy or already went through#these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces he’s just old hashings and stunted#fallout#fallout new vegas#Ulysses you upset me but I’m like I feel you could be better if you weren’t so incessant#I don’t think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because I’d start yapping and it’d never get finished#ulysses fnv#fnv ulysses#lonesome road
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives
#sorry not to get on this bullshit i just saw a related post when i opened this app lmao#and by some people i don’t mean anyone in particular im not vagueing anyone or any specific post#and i especially don’t mean any transfem calling out transmisogynistic transmascs either#but yeah i see a lot of implication that trans men are like. somehow significantly privileged over cis women#and ofc i don’t mean that transmascs are incapable of being misogynistic to cis women bc that’s far from the case#but i need someone to name a transmasc with significant political or social or financial power that’s working to set back women’s rights#versus the amount of cis women with any of the aforementioned privileges working to take away the rights of trans people#bc i can think of 4 of the latter just off the top of my head without trying really hard#and the only day to day instance i can think of where trans men would hold significant power over a cis woman is like..#a workplace environment where he completely passes as cis and absolutely no one knows he’s trans at all or even suspects it#but then again most if not all of that privilege would be stripped away the second anyone there found out he was trans#but yeah i really do think some people need to grapple with how they conceptualize gendered privilege and their own power in these dynamics#and how that’s reflected in the way they think about/interact with transmascs#are you disgusted with this random transmasc on tumblr because he’s a man (or vaguely adjacent) or because he’s trans. ykwim#and again i hate the whole transandrophobia thing i think it’s stupid as shit and redundant to put it lightly and briefly but#idk why transmascs that believe in it have become the new face of anti-feminism and MRA movements#and not like. the cis men who started both of those things and contribute to the vast majority of that type of rhetoric in every way#and also hold enough power to leverage those beliefs over both women and also transmascs tbh#i think some people are just repulsed by the idea of anyone willingly wanting to be a man bc they see it as the same as becoming a cis man#in terms of privilege. when in reality by being trans you’re knocked down in terms of power and privilege from all cis people anyways#but also. some people also need to realize that transmascs can also have trauma and complicated feelings about being a man and patriarchy#and more often than not we ARE traumatized by the way cis men (and women!!) have treated us#and grapple with our place in the world as a result. it’s not just as simple as becoming a cis man over night tbh!!#and again i’m not talking about transfems with any of this because the vast Vast majority of transfems understand this more than anyone#i’m mostly talking about cis women both irl and also just in the terminally online leftist sphere#and i also think i should be allowed to vent my grievances with the power cis women often do wield over me without being accused of being a#raging misogynist or MRA or whatever
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Needle felting my boy……
Process breakdown (disambiguation) in tags :)
#i’m out of control#I have no idea how many hours I spent perfecting his head shape#I have to stab him because I love him 😭#i calculated it…#360 STABS PER MINUTE#6 STABS PER SECOND#21600 STABS P E R H O U R#I’m not stabbing at full speed constantly though#I count 40 stabs per minute when I go slowly and deliberately like laying lines#and then sometimes I pause to deliberate and stare into space#so if we say that over the course of an hour I’m going full speed for 15 mins and low speed for 35 mins and no-stab deliberating for 10 mins#and we say I spent 7 hours on his head so far (that’s not a high estimate… I’ve done way more fine tuning since posting this)#……..15x360=5400 35x40=1400 5400+1400=6800 6800x7=47600#my god…. my dear boy……..#OVER THE PAST TWO DAYS I STABBED MY BABY BOY APPROXIMATELY 47600 TIMES IN THE HEADDDDDD 😭😭😭😭😭😭#is this worth it……? do you feel it…? do you know that I’m doing this to bring you to life???? because I love you??????????#how can i go on#but i can’t leave him without a body either????#i am stuck…. no way out but through……#i must……. finish the job…………#this mob truly is psycho 100#saint mob of a million needles#needle felting#mob psycho 100#kageyama shigeo#shigeo kageyama#mp100#mp100 fanart#fiber art#my art
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I am once again having a sexuality crisis (read: wondering if I’m a lesbian or just have been stuck in my hometown for too long yet again and therefore haven’t seen a man who doesn’t look vaguely like a fish in years)
#here’s the problem as i understand it#i have had romantic feelings for several men and i also find quite a lot of men attractive#i don’t know if it’s just because i feel more comfortable feeling and displaying attraction to men because it’s what society expects#or if this is something that is actually genuinely coming from me#and at this point i overthink it so much i would really never know if it’s organic or not#what i DO know is i am not sexually attracted to men at all. when i’ve hooked up with men they do nothing for me#i can conjure up the perfect man in my mind; fantasise about him and nothing happens#this does not happen to me with women#i feel like i’ve been romantically attracted to way less women than men but also physically and sexually attracted to women a lot more ofte#and again — i don’t know if this is society & my own psychology messing with my sense of attraction#because obviously female nudity and sexualisation is all over the place all of the time#when i was younger i actually just thought women were objectively more attractive than men and that everyone thought that lol#i thought my friends were exaggerating when they said they wanted to kiss or have sex with men#i still to some degree think that. like it’s hard for me to imagine being enthusiastic about sex with a man#but can i imagine being in love with one? ehhhhhh… probably#see but what is the POINT if i’d never want to have sex with him? i know asexuals exist but i’m not one#i’d be setting myself up for an unsatisfying sex life#so it seems to make more sense to me to take the overall concept of dating men off the table since it’s not productive and can’t satisfy me#but then what if i fall in love with one anyway. what then. that’d be just my luck#no label ever seems to fit what i have going on with me and i don’t know if that’s because the main thing that’s going on is my head isn’t#screwed on right and i overthink and pathologise every experience i have#can’t even have a crush without wondering if i’m just doing it to get some excitement in my life#i’m not even sure any of it exists. maybe i should just declare myself aroace to give everyone else some peace#personal
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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I’m really struggling w seeing people who participated in the “let’s gang up on and brutally harass this guy based on an assumption, because he makes a convenient scapegoat” incident of ‘24 saying “I apologized :3 sorry I was just emotional :3 all done now :3”
Hhgghgghghgh. Apologized to who. To me? To the other random people y’all harassed off the platform? Sorry, I’m still hurt over this, I say this as nothing more than an expression of my own feelings. No animosity, I’m just struggling. Like I still have no closure on this entire thing, the most I’ve gotten is… people stopped telling me to kms? Which might mean they now understand they were mistaken? I do not know. Hsggdgs. I don’t understand how people are saying “I apologized”
I wish absolutely no hate towards anyone, that’s never a solution, I’ve always advocated that. I only hope people grow and heal from this. I just wish I had even a smidge of closure.
#the whole time I’ve been thinking “Sydney O Sargent would be shaking his head and frowning. he would never support bullying. ever.’’#and he sure as hell would never participate in it#not my Sydney.#it makes me feel nauseous#I feel like people think I’m some big strong grown adult man guy dude. I’m just some teenager who posts art online#my following ain’t even large. it only looks that way because this fanbase is smaller. I’m not untouchable. I was in fact very hurt#am very hurt#it’s 4am and I can’t sleep again#venting on the personal blog again because idk where else to go and I’m pretty sure it’s only friends here#I am glad it’s over for some of them. I just wish I could move forward that easily#nobody seems to acknowledge the consequences of their actions and how they hurt people#and re-opened a lot of wounds I was already trying to heal#at least don’t lie about it… don’t say you apologized
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