#i feel less bad cause i have a fear that they wont believe me that im sick

[bleudinosaur]

Guess who got sick the day they're supposed to go back to work 😂

[keepingthehopealive]

EMDR session 4

ET- emdr therapist

PT- main therapist

K- therapist from my teens with the traumatic termination

Im sure ET saw this session as a "success" because we actually did an EMDR exercise, but despite that, I experienced the freeze a lot worse than I have in the previous sessions and there was still so much I couldnt do and didnt do good enough. She brought up the idea of exploring things with curiousity versus judgement and shame and thats the theme she wants to go with in the processing work.

We tried to do an exercise where I had the "inner critic" comfortable in its own room and kind of put aside so we could get to what else was I was feeling. I find any visualization things like this challenging to begin with but did try to do it. When we got back to the question of what I was feeling it was still shame and judgement and nothing else, so we moved on at that point. Later in the session, a few times we did get beyond it and I identified three other things that are there which were fears, grief and anger. 

ET's go to questions are- How does it feel in your body when I say/ask this and how old is that part or that feeling. Trying to answer questions more from my body and less from my head, feels more genuine, and i recognize how quickly the defenses or protective parts and cognitive spirals step in. I asked her a few times to actually repeat questions so I could try to answer them before I spiral too much or get sucked into the shame and judgement feelings. Its a goal I should have with PT but the fear triggered is the "too much".

It also feels shameful, even if accurate, that most of the time when im trying to "age" a feeling or experience, it feels really young. We talked about the example of hating my body and how that goes back as far as I can remember.

 (I did not communicate this to ET) but It triggers the cascade of defenses or shame: your childhood wasnt bad (you were just bad), youre just being dramatic and trying to create reasons that dont exist, you werent abused or neglected, my mom is good and did better than her parents, *my sister* doesnt have these issues so it has to be my fault etc.

ET asked it a few times; 1 was about PT and how it would feel to get reassurance contrary to the abandonment fears. She was asking more particularly if things improve does that trigger the fear of PT leaving or the work ending, but it goes both ways, which makes it feel more paralyzing. I said I feel it as constriction and tightness and the freeze. I also know PT constantly are giving me this reassurance and that PT tries not to at the same time because I was so aggressive from the start that I dont want any false reassurance and only want genuineness, which is a negative reaction. 

The 2nd time she asked was when we were talking about my relationship with my mom and she asked what it would feel like to think about not talking to her or calling her everyday. The answer was basically the same with my body feeling tightness and freezing in that. I also felt, but didnt say or express in the moment with ET, the overwhelming "that would end badly" (for my mom), like I need to protect her and make sure shes OK, that im there for her. ET talked about how me being able to set boundaries might actually lead to the positive shifts in the relationship and dynamic. I dont know if I believe it or can do it. I feel pretty confident that my mom wont do the work to change or even fully acknowledge her role and accountability in anything. It feels easier (and a million times harder) to just leave it as is. 

The 3rd time the question came up was in regards to K and what it would feel like to decrease the level of distress with those memories and feelings. We were both suprised by my answer that if it was possible, it would feel like a release in my body to bring that distress down. I know how much it affects my therapy and my life still, which causes so much shame. Which is especially loud with PT and the freeze and transference. 

We did an EMDR flash technique exercise with the memory of the termination session with K.  I wasnt able to pat my legs which was supposed to be part of it but it was me looking at pictures on my phone of the puppies and *work baby* and talking about that and then ET would instruct me to blink and then occasionally very quickly think about the memory and see where my body was in terms of distress. We didnt do it that long and I started feeling the distress as a 9 and by the end was more like a 5, as long as I didnt think about it long. 

After a couple minutes of it, I was feeling it super intensely frozen and had to stop and really collapse to try to feel safe. It was the normal freeze and collapse but also felt like my body was feeling what I did the termination session which was shameful, pathetic and painful. ET tried to get me back to looking at the pictures or some engagement but then also just tried to see what I needed in the moment. She moved away, even all the way to her waiting room to see if that would help me get out of it, which it didnt. She commented that the freeze isnt dissociation and that I was really stuck between hypo and hyperarousal because I was hyperventilating while also being curled up and stuck. I explicitly asked for reassurance or the "answer" of how we move forward from it and she talked about the intention being to bring the distress down enough where we can process it more (with actual EMDR processing) and that can be the next steps. I dont believe the activation or distress will ever get to a 0 (ET does, but said we dont have to do that either if I dont want it to go completely away), even if part of me really does want that. 

The end she talked about trying to contain some of this stuff until next time I see her which isnt until the end of the month (5 weeks total). Mostly in regards to K since we did that processing towards the end of our session. 

[selfshipseaside]

Definitely kicking a hornet's nest with this one,

but it's a chance to vent so here we go.

I wish people would keep DNI's to their own pages, rather than putting them on every single selfship post.

I hate when I see an imagine that I would otherwise reblog, but it has a big DNI at the bottom.

My blog doesn't have a DNI, and I don't want to endorse the DNI's of other people or make any of my followers feel unwelcome because someone else's DNI is on my blog, so I just don't reblog those kinds of posts.

(I mean on some level I don't think DNI's are even that effective in the first place. I kinda just wish people would block blogs they don't like or agree with rather than calling for a public harassment campaign against them. I suppose on some level this technically makes me "proship" in the literal sense that I oppose harassment over shipping, but I also don't actively ship the kinds of things proshippers are supposedly known for, and I understand why they might make people uncomfortable, so I guess I'm neutral? I just wish people would use the block button instead of creating this atmosphere of exclusion. We all just want to imagine our F/O's; we shouldn't have to agree on everything to reblog an imagine.)

This is all a very fair point to make, anon! I also recognize the hornets nest *I'm* kicking by answering this ask. I have an opinion that...well, a lot of users won't like, probably. But I'll be the first to say it if not the only one. (And let me preface this, because some of you will take this as an opportunity to harass me. I'm not on either side, neutral, or adjacent at all. I do not associate myself with discourse, this is known!) DNI's to me, are extremely performative (Especially DNI banners, what's the point?). And yet, everyone has a general DNI. I do! But I do recognize how performative it is at it's core, I have one to try and attempt to what everyone else does, keep the bad eggs out. But, we cannot control people, we can't ever know who anyone is truly through a screen. Using your own judgement to weed people out is and will remain the best solution for personal curation of your own space. I can't trust a good chunk of this community because I know I'd get taken advantage of in one way shape or form, it's happened to me multiple times already. I will also say that not having a DNI might inherently outcast you from the general community due to everyone's fear of somehow supporting a bad person, or alternatively attracting people you might not want to interact with you, so a lot of people have DNI's, but don't like having them (Myself included). I don't usually answer asks that blatantly claim their stance, or blatantly oppose a stance. This blog is entirely discourse free, and I want to respect absolutely everyone who is worthy of my respect(IE, people who aren't causing harm, people who aren't assholes for no good reason). I also cannot control who does and doesn't interact with my blog, unless I catch them by chance (I see too many accounts fly by in my inbox to keep track, ya dig?) If i see someone I don't agree with interacting with me, say someone who I genuinely believe to be abhorrent with their behavior, I block them. It's not my job or responsibility as a community self-shipping blog to build people's spaces for them. That's their job. This is why call-out/block-lists posts are not my gig, nor will they ever be. They're also performative, and spread a type of negativity that I just simply wont ever promote in a place of comfort and safety. This might be the only time I ever mention this blatantly, but perhaps the future has something else in store. I'm unsure! I just know that a lot of my opinions are rooted from having a perspective and lens in every single playing field to now not even inhabiting any side whatsoever. I'm very articulate with how I manage my morals, I might be a radicalist in some aspects, and grey in other areas. Life doesn't have lines for the less abhorrent tidings. DNI's are one of many human responses of trying not to look like a bad person out of fear, and perhaps even being unsure of themselves and relying on others to speak for them. But that's another topic I won't get into! Sorry this got so long! I do enjoy talking about this subject, but it's just interesting to see how everyone feels. I want to promote listening and civil discussion, emotional intelligence and discussion on community dynamics. Once again, controversial takes are welcome! Let's discuss stuff about our community!

[kalamity-jayne]

egg here (ex egg?? pretty sure im a trans woman but getting past the societal bullshit is hard so its complicated) thanks for providing a safe haven for eggs, how do you handle explaining transness to people you care about? it feels so scary to approach it

Hi Anon,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I am always happy to take a lil time out of my day to help an egg or as the case may be former egg. Regarding the question of how to handle explaining transness to people I would say it really depends on who you're explaining it to and what you hope they'll take away with from the conversation. If it's a situation where you're having to do trans 101 there are many guides out there (like this for example)that you can use to build script for yourself. I also just recommend listening/reading how other trans folks break down transgender 101. Perhaps you're not looking to do trans 101 but are trying to convey what it feels like to be trans in which case you'd simply speak from the heart about your own experiences, or maybe your trying to explain what being trans means to you and the community, perhaps your trying explain transness as you come out to someone, perhaps an amalgam of several of these, or some other facet of the trans experience. So please follow up with more details if you're looking for a kind of script to launch from or examples.

But even more important than what to say is how to assert and protect yourself. Some of the following advice is applicable to pretty much any conversation you might have with a cis person about anything transgender. These conversations can feel like a minefield especially if you haven't had a lot of practice and the resulting anxiety can take the form of many different kinds of fear: fear of not being believed, fear of being rejected by the other person, fear that your attempt at an explanation will be challenged or dismissed, etc etc If you interrogate the fears you have, understand them inside and out, they'll be less likely to hold you back or trip you up and you'll know how to prepare. If you know the people really well, say they're your parents, you can probably predict and anticipate how they'll react which again will keep you relatively safe from being hurt because you saw the hit coming and were ready for it. Maybe you're 100 percent certain the conversation wont have a desirable outcome, in which case trust your gut if it's telling you it's safer to leave it alone.

The most important thing is figuring out the shape of your boundaries and asserting them without flinching. Know your triggers and who's really good at getting under your skin, and plan out what you're going to say to assert your boundary ahead of time. For example: Whenever I talk to my parents they inevitably want to discuss the trans news of the day and let's be real, that news is usually very unpleasant and as soon as I'm done talking to them I tend to spin out in emotional distress because their attempts at virtue signaling are a reminder of how they rejected me as a nascently trans teenager. So now whenever my parents try to discuss trans issues I try to shut them down by saying, "I don't want to talk about that stuff with you cause I see it and live it everyday." Last week, my parents tried to face time me at a time while I was working. I made the mistake of taking the call and because I was distracted I didn't enforce the boundary and I get hurt pretty bad. It pays to a be disciplined at enforcing your boundaries.

That brings me to the next aspect of being prepared. Set your self up for success. Don't attempt these conversations when you're not in the right headspace for them. Don't have the conversation at a time/place when/where you'll be dristracted (like a busy street corner or when you're trying to work) and remove any distractions that maybe present or come up (be sure to silence your phone and consider asking the people you're talking to to do the same. TV on in the background? Turn that shit off!) Make sure you're comfortable and do whatever you have to to reduce the pressure of the situation.

If you can I recommend having an ally there with you. Let's say you're coming out to one of your friends and you're unsure of how they'll react, but you've got another friend you're already out to and they're supportive, or lets you say you have to have conversation with a family member about respecting your pronouns and you've got a sibling you're really close with and they're already in your corner; bring these people along to back you up. They will probably not even have to say or do anything because their mere presence will provide the confidence you need.

And the last and very critical piece of advice. Reach out to whoever your closest confidant is to talk about the conversation and process it, especially if it went poorly. Maybe even let your Bestie know ahead of time that you're going to have a potentially difficult conversation and may need their support afterward. Do not downplay how you might be feeling out of a misplaced concern that you'd be bothering your friend. This is what friends are for and the worst that happens is they have too call you back later. True friends will never be bothered or put out by a call for support. Real friends will be happy that you reached out to them for help.

I hope this advice is of help to you. Please reach out again if you have more questions or wish to discuss the topic further. Best of luck to you Anon and no matter how your next conversation about transness goes, know that each time it gets easier, even when the people you talk to try to make it harder it still gets easier.

❤️ Mother Calamity ❤️

[vsa-pieldepapel]

i agree with your general assessment of susie & noelle's respective issues but i don't agree with your assertion that these are "red flags" or signs of a potentially "toxic" relationship. i think you're looking at it through the wrong lens.

it seems pretty clear to me that the whole point of susie's character is that she lashes out with cruelty and pushes others away because she's been made to believe she's unworthy of love or respect, and although she's learning to let herself be open to friendship she will likely still have instances where she hurts those she cares about through acts of fear or defensiveness. this may be a source of conflict but that's not the same as being toxic.

meanwhile noelle, who has a strong fixation on fear and danger – and was originally drawn to susie because of this – is in the process of learning to decide the right course of action for herself. while she may have felt too helpless and confused to do anything about susie's previous treatment of kris, and wanted to put herself in harm's way with susie (but seemingly never actually acted on this, due to aforementioned sense of helplessness/lack of autonomy), she's gradually working on feeling more capable and confident. i think part of her process will be developing the ability to meet susie where she's at, as an equal, as opposed to seeing susie (as she sees most things) as a source of fear or an external, uncontrollable force acting upon her, if that makes sense.

i get the sense that their growing friendship will revolve around susie helping noelle accept that it's okay to be something other than a doormat, while noelle helps susie accept vulnerability and gentleness; in a way, both helping each other develop their sense of self-worth. again, i'm sure there will be conflict as they each have their own issues to work out and those will likely butt up against each other, but i still don't see that as the same as being "toxic," and i don't think that's the intended interpretation of their characters or relationship.

I have talked about this before and im a little tired (cause I just made dinner) so sorry if this comes across as clumsy or I dont make a coherent point, but the toxic relationship is in a less malicious sense and more in a “teenagers have a hard time navigating first love on top of the baggage” sense. Obviously the reading is that theyre meant to compliment each other and I have to be real a part of why I feel it flops is because Ralsei does it so much better in less time even just platonically, because Noelle idolises her and I honest don’t think she’s gonna stop idolising her soon. It also strikes me as a massive bad implication that Noelle is aware that what she’s doing is bad enough she wants to tell authority figures like toriel about it and Susie’s remark makes her feel sick…. And then she just doesn’t. Maybe we will see her progress on this in later chapters if I’m honest I think im gonna have a hard time changing my view on her simply because of the time gap there was in which I cemented my view. And thats okay honestly I want to think the detraction it will do to the rest of the game won’t be too big

In the end we can just agree to disagree ya know. I dont wanna be persuaded into liking dragon deer (I think my mind is set if im real, sorry. I know it’s gonna be canon and I’m not a fan) and I wont talk you into goatdragon either, this is just my blog so I rant unfiltered here lol. Thank you for sharing your perspective tho it’s interesting to read and respond to!

[om-headcanon]

☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying

i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)

lucifer

without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying

he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life

he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful

with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears

all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant

if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...

he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself

you call out his name softly to get his attention

lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying

you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need

you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace

and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace

because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him

mammon

mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot

while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him

he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes

he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour

his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent

he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder

maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers

he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder

except its actually you this time

you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright

he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face

he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know

you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is

leviathan

its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made

every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything

most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy

he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too

eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack

levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down

he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this

you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him

you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response

you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed

this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do

you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today

you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure

hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him

satan

he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order

its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot

no one dares to go near him like that

and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them

he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless

belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow

he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions

he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden

but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance

satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him

but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room

he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face

he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him

you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it

he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”

asmodeus

ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt

its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him

he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him

so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him

hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall

he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else

asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)

he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him

he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready

you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself

you startled him when you said his name

“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes

you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly

he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable

your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out

you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face

you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials

beelzebub

beel loves his family a lot

more than he loves food (also a lot)

he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it

what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it

but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him

beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved

once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage

he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this

it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt

he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face

you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him

he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined

beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior

when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother

you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress

you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him

hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear

“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”

belphie

he has lots of survivors guilt

its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith

because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel

this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off

as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there

beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now

unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you

he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere

he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.

belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly

“mc, can we talk?”

he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder

contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done

he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why

he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay

you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it

that makes him feel a lot better

he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face

[furiousgoldfish]

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

[the-sanders-sides]

(wtit spoiler warning)

unpopular opinion, but im not really a big fan of the idea of the orange side being wrath or anger. while similar to inside out, the sides arent really emotions; rather, they are your different conflicting thought processes when you work through a problem. you have the side of you that is logical and knows the facts and tries to use reason to solve things, the side of you that focuses on your morals and tries to use steadfast loyalty to your values to solve problems. there is the side that is anxious and tries to use to make use of fear to protect u and solve the problem.

there are the sides of you that are creative that think of fantastical solutions to your problems, whether good or bad, that try to take you to your dreams and desires. with roman, this is with disney-esque tales and hopes that keep thomas going and having a reason to things. with Remus, I think it may be using the intrusive thoughts to get Thomas to slow down when thomas is overwhelmed and wants to rest, which makes sense bc, at least with me, ik when I have an uptick of intrusive thoughts, it usually means i need to rest and relax so I'll be less overwhelmed and take care of myself.

and there is the side that is deceitful and cunning and mean and self-centered as a means towards approaching your problems with your self-preservation as the primary thing to uphold. unlike morals which may tell you to share what you have, this deceitful side of you acts selfishlessly to make sure that you are put first, no matter the cost. which is why I think any anger or wrath would come from Janus. anger as an emotion is often an expression of self-preservation. you feel anger when you know you've been hurt and you lash out in anger to protect yourself. janus has lashed out a fair amount for the small amount of episodes he's been in.

by now, it's also fairly agreed upon that Janus and patton are opposites/counters as well as roman and remus. with both pairings, it's seen that you need a healthy balance between those two sides, those two lines of thought, to not completely fall apart.

i am a firm believer that anxiety is the counter or parallel or opposite of logic. your logical thought processes get so messed up when you're anxious and scared, and logical thinking is often used as a tool to combat anxiety. this was explored between Virgil and Logan very early in the series. virgils anxiety causes cognitive distortions that weaken logans logical processes in being listened to. logans logical thoughts are able to tame Virgil's anxiety when it's too strong. i think Logan and Virgil balance each other out. those are the two who make a healthy balance together which has been discusses, albeit briefly, early on (remember the Yerkes Dodson curve?).

this is why I think that whatever the orange side, the seventh side, is, it won't be a counter to anyone in specific, and it won't be wrath/anger. right now, orange is showing up when Logan is weakened in someway. when janus kidnaps him in svs redux, orange only shows up after that. when Remus messes with Logan in today's wtit and logan is frustrated and out of it, only then did orange come through. we don't know if orange can control other sides as well, but if it's like janus at all, where janus tries to remove logan and his rationality from the problem solving, there's a reason it would focus on messing with logic & rationality to achieve it's goal of however it helps thomas.

because remember, all the sides do what they think is best for thomas. the sides are the manifestations of his different thought processes driven by different outlooks that all have an end goal of trying to solve thomas's problem in that way. but in the end, it is always up to thomas to choose which thought pattern he'll listen to. thomas chooses what he will do based on the persuasiveness of his different thought processes.

(for example, c!thomas comes across a wallet on the sidewalk. morally, he thinks the wallet should be turned in to the local authorities at all costs no matter what. his self preservation instincts tell him to take the cash and leave the wallet behind since the detour would waste his time. his anxiety tells him to leave it alone so he wont get framed for stealing. good creativity/roman would make him imagine a grand heroic prize for tracking down the owner of the wallet and personally delivering it, and bad creativity/remus might make c!thomas imagine finding and killing the wallets owner so he can take all the money. logical thought would say for c!thomas to return the wallet to local authorities if he has the time to do so, and if not, to leave it be. these are all just the different thoughts running through c!thomas's head which can then be personified as sides, and whichever action he does is attributed to the side who had the most persuasive line of thought, but none of these lines of thought are trying to hurt thomas, it's all different ways of protecting/helping him.)

so whatever orange is, needs logic and rationality to be a bit disrupted before being able to be persuasive enough to be listened to. this doesnt really seem like anger/wrath to me. someone can be rational and angry (ie. planning a revenge later rather than hurting someone now, passive aggression, etc.) which all feels more like Janus things to me, and I think you actually need to be rational to use your anger effectively. going ham on someone without thought will not have the same effect as thinking about the best places to hit without them getting you back. anger and logic don't need to keep each other in check like deceit and morality or logic and anxiety; rather, they need to work together. i dont think logan would be opposed to a side that represented anger at all. and orange would not destabilize logan so much if it were anger.

plus, Virgil is the only side that really represents an emotion. but I think people generally always have a sense of anxiety and fear in their problem solving, but anger/wrath isn't always there. for a quick issue like a lost wallet, i can see how these other sides of thought processes can exist, but i dont know what anger would tell Thomas to do there since anger is just an emotion.

so the question is, what is a thought pattern that exists when solving problems that tries to protect/help you, while also needing to push away or overpower your sense of logic & rationality to be persuasive enough to be listened to? I don't have the answer to this but I'd love to hear what other people think about this! especially if u see flaws in my reasoning of why orange isn't anger, I'd love to know!

[g0dtier]

Ok look even i realize i cant make a post like that before elaborating so as someone who has an art degree, was groomed themselves and was raised by someone who worked with teenagers who were groomed specifically for 20 years, heres my take on why tumblrs mentality towards fiction (&real degeneracy) is wrong and what you can do to help victims

Im gonna leave out the whole "fiction = reality" shit because at this point everyone knows it doesnt, they just cherry pick where to believe it does. This is not a black and white issue. Fiction may bring up something that was already there, but since none of us are shooting celebs because of books or molesting animals cause furry shit exists, its safe to say theres a line. 1000s of teen boys idealize that one dipshit from fight club. 99% grow out of it. The few that dont were already fucked up and wouldve ended up blowing some shit up either way. No, ao3 is not normalizing pedophilia and you are in no way helping victims. Youre kind of being a detriment.

Pedophiles may use fiction to groom kids, but they did that before fandom existed as well. There is no big difference between using fiction of 2 teens vs fiction of 2 adults to groom a kid cause a pedophile will either say "youre so much more mature than these fictional kids" or "youre so mature for your age you might as well be an adult, i think this fictional adult couple really represents us" and the minor will still take it as a compliment because that is the point of the action. The reason the abusers can take advantage of them is because they want that validation, for reasons listed below. The form that validation comes in doesnt matter.

Tumblrs mentality is purely focused on outrage. Its about hating the perpetrators and pretending people who arent perpetrators actually are, not about helping the victims.

People here have a wrong idea of what a relationship between a minor & pedophile looks like & how they function. People forget that while to us normal people the minors come across as victims in a horrifying situation (which they are), to the minors themselves it doesnt look anything like that. The problem with many of these relationships is not that the minors dont know what theyre doing or are doing it against their will, the problem most of the time is that they, in their minds, are active participants who choose to do this.

Pedos often actively look for kids in fragile situations. No self esteem, bad home life, severe depression. These are the reasons kids want the validation i listed before. Theyre vulnerable to it because they dont get any of it anywhere else and here theres an adult figure just giving it to them.

The point of a grooming is to give the kid validation and make the kid rely on them. To make the kid believe that the adult is the only one who understands them. Its to put the responsibility of the abusers mental wellbeing on the kids' shoulders in the kids' head. And 99% of the time kids already have a close relationship with the abuser when it gets to that point because of aforementioned validation. They create codependency.

So you know what angrily screeching "pedophile!" at any adult interacting on any level with a teenager does? It gives the abuser a reason to call themselves the victim and itll give the minor, whos likely already reluctant to be open about something an abuser does making them uncomfortable because many of them already have low self esteem and dont trust their own judgment and are scared of the consequences (for example: losing what to them is the only person that understands them) even less likely to talk about it. Because regardless of what tumblr thinks, most of these kids do not realize theyre being abused until much later. Theyre not waiting for someone to give them an out.

And no, no matter how hard you try, youre never gonna convince teens that the person theyre talking to is abusing them. Almost every single victim talks about how they hate abusers but how theirs isnt one, adults included. Theyre just misunderstood, or lonely, or really didnt mean it like that. Teens arent gonna listen to randos on the internet trying to convince them the 23yo who "relies on them for help and who is only in love with them, a 15yo, because theyre just really special and cool" is an abuser. Teens are gonna do stuff behind the back of others and lie about it because teens have a really bad case of "dont tell me what to do" syndrome.

What you CAN do to help teens:

- vote for more funding to health care, specifically mental health care. I know everyone rags on cps but cps does not take away children for no reason and will ALWAYS strife to work it out with the parents by offering personal help if possible

- strife to create a safe space for teens to talk about their experiences. Demonizing any adult interacting with children, no matter how creepy it may seem to you or me, makes the victims more reluctant to come forward. Theyre abuse victims. Adult abuse victims dont respond well to "girl youre being abused leave him!!" either. They respond a lot better to "wow dont you think he shouldnt treat you like that? Dont you think your feelings matter and hes being unfair to you?". You need to demonize the actions, not the context of the relationship because teens have already decided the context itself is fine and its usually not what they have a problem with and they wont till theyre older, no matter how hard you try to convince them.

- giving teens safe spaces to learn/talk about sex and what is or isnt right in a relationship. Most pedophiles are not stable. Theyre often codependent or manipulative or overbearing. Teach kids how to recognize these signs and that theyre not ok.

What doesnt help teens:

- taking down ao3 or yelling that some horndog on twitter drew an adult character looking too young. Taboo fiction is not linked to actual degeneracy and doesnt normalize any of it and is not a more succesful tool to help groom kids than anything else. Pretending it is will make minors less likely to seek help tho because the fear of backlash as stated above.

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

Hi. I recently realized that I might have ppd or at least some type of paranoia? I dont want to tell my therapist or family because I'm scared they wont believe me. And honestly, I dont want to be diagnosed either. I feel like everyone will treat me differently if they knew. My family is caring but they can be VERY ableist becuase they aren't educated. Since I have no where else, I thought I would come here and ask if my symptoms sound like ppd? (Tw: I talk abt intrusive thoughts and paranoid episodes)

-I sometimes feel like people dont like me even though they've never done anything to show that. I thought it was anxiety at first, but it's not... worry?? It's more like, my brain is 100% convinced someone said something a certain way or did a certain thing on purpose becuase they do not like me.

-I have NEVER been able to comfortably vent and couldn't figure out why until now. Even on the few occasions I do, I always stay very vague and dont tell the whole story.

-I hold very long grudges. This is something that I do so often that people around me have actually noticed. It makes me feel like I'm being childish and unreasonable, but I dont understand how I'm supposed to just forgive people who hurt me? It's so hard.

-I dont like admitting it, but always feel like I'm right about things and have a REALLY hard time seeing from other people's perspectives if I cant relate to it.

-I sometimes get very brief, but intense spikes of jealousy. Like if a family member gets a new partner or my friend talks to their new friend, I dont want to be forgotten. I usually just end up avoiding them until I get over it.

-I have intrusive thoughts daily. (typically about bad things happening to me) They happen more often if I'm in a place that stresses me out.

-I think I've had an "episode" before? I was alone in my house for around seven days because my family was on vacation, and I was terrified of someone hiding in my closet. I checked it so many times everyday and nothing was there. I KNEW no one was there but nothing i did made me less scared. Even now, after I've moved, I still feel like something actually was there.

Thank you if you respond. Please have a nice day! - ❤

I understand that fear! It's okay if you don't want to be diagnosed, but if you ever feel comfortable enough you should totally discuss at least the symptoms you deal with so you can get proper treatment for it ^_^ And all of these symptoms do indeed sound like textbook PPD for sure! You honestly hit a lot of the key criteria (not that im personally diagnosing you because I cannot do that but ya know lol) Other symptoms you might relate to: - being a bit humorless and unable to take certain jokes and possibly becoming hostile/angry if you feel someone is insulting or belittling you in some way - belief that others are out to get you in some way, such as by being harmed or deceived - the perception of innocent remarks or nonthreatening situations as personal attacks - having delusions and possibly experiencing psychotic episodes - extremely stubborn nature - difficulty apologizing Another thing you could look into is BPD - it has paranoia as a symptom (stress related paranoia), intrusive thoughts, jealousy, and grudge holding (usually caused by splitting), in case you'd like to check that out! There's also PTSD/C-PTSD which can have paranoia and intrusive thoughts. With that being said these disorders tend to be comorbid - PTSD/C-PTSD and PPD are often seen together, and having more than one personality disorder is common too - and it can be hard to tell what is causing your symptoms, or if the disorders are 'working together' to amplify what you're experiencing!

[ablackfangirlwrites]

72 hours

When you find out you only have 72 hours left to live and you only want to spend it with one person

Keigo | Hawks

"Hey, Kid."

Keigo said walking into your hospital room.

"....hi..."

Keigo tilted his head sympathetically usually when he called you kid you'd pout and argue that he wasnt that much older then you

But instead you gave him a weak smile

"Aw, whatever it was it couldn't have been that bad." He teased you.

The two of you had been friends for years

Keigo wanted to see you give him a real smile

When he first started being a hero thats when the two of you met

It actually was an accident

He was chasing a villain through a crowd and the villain decided to use you as a distraction by throwing you in the street

And he saved you

Once the fiasco was over you had found him and thanked him for saving you

And from then on the two of you hit it off

But only as friends

You knew he was a busy hero he didnt have time for a girlfriend besides the two of you were only friends

Plus there were so many girls that wanted him too

So what could you offer? It was easier to just stay his friend

And he had the same thought pattern more or less

Just stay your friend that way he could be close to you

Better he stay your friend then potentially mess up something by being in a relationship with you and you guys have a bad break up

"I'm gonna die Keigo..."

You told keigo trying to keep your from crying

But it wasnt working your were in tears

"What?" Keigo frowned walking further to your bedside

Eailer that day you happened to be close to a villain attack and ended up getting hit by their quirk in the crossfire

Whiched landed you in the hospital

And from what the doctors and police had told you apparently the villain that they were chasing was very dangerous and had a life shortening quirk

"They said I have 72 hours to live..."you sobbed

When you told keigo that he already figured out what had happened to you

And for the first time in his life he felt truly devastated

You were the first friend he had since he left from all his training from the commission

You were the first person he was ever in love with

And you were gonna die

"I dont wanna die keigo." He could hear the fear in your voice

"You're not gonna die Y/n," he tried to consoled you "I will figure this out, I wont let you die."

He was about to get up and leave but you quickly grabbed his hand

"Please don't leave me."

You weren't close to your family and Keigo was the only person you had left

"Y/n...I cant sit here and watch you die...I have to figure something out."

"The doctors already said there was no cure....the police said the same thing everyone that villain hit died three days later and I know you know that."

He did know it

The villain that hit you was on everyone's radar and he had killed a lot of people

And now all he could do was be angry that he wasnt the one who caught him

Cause if he was you wouldn't be in this situation

He knew there were so many attempts to stop the casualties from dying but none had worked

The two of you sat in silence for a while neither of you knowing what to do or say

Finally keigo spoke up, "What do you wanna do?"

Trying to suppress a cry, you'd whispered, "everything."

Up until now your life hadn't been that eventful

Yes you went out with friend and had good times but there was still so much you didnt do

Hawks sighed, "fine then we'll do everything."

"Hawks that impossible I dont-"

"We will do everything we can for the next 72 hours." He cut you off

"What?"

"We're going to do everything. Everything and more whatever you wanted to do in your life we'll do for the next three days." He told you.

You protested but keigo wasnt having it

He got and started to pull you up with him

"I wont let you go dying sad and alone in bed. We're going to take these next three days and live."

The two of you would do just that too

He'd take you everywhere he could too you'd see all the big sight of your city you lived in but never had the time to go see

He take you to eat all the food you ever wanted to try

Everything that you wanted he provided

And you enjoyed it as much as you could on the first day

By the second day you were so tired from all the excitement you wanted to stay home but Hawks insisted that you didnt

Things were bittersweet but the two of you were making the most of it

On the second days evening you were at a bar and you got into talk about all the other things in life you really wanted

"I wanted to get married you know Keigo..."

He would just listen to you

"I wanted to get married and live in a little apartment with my husband and just kiss him when he left for work and be so happy when I saw him come back. We'd be so in love... I wanted to have children too...I mean at least one" you were smiling as tears started to fall you wanted that life with him but you knew it was unlikely and now you knew it would never happen

"But I wont get any of that cause some stupid villain..."

"Then marry me?" Keigo said

You laughed but keigo grabbed your hand

"Marry me f/n? In the morning let's do it."

"Keigo-"

"I can't give you any children, but shit-" keigo had been feeling so many emotions with all this going on but he kept up a smile for you

"I hate that it took this all to happen. But I do love you F/n...more than a friend, and i would be so happy if you married me tomorrow."

You couldn't believe what you were hearing.

"You're serious?"

He just nodded

Not knowing where to even start you cried boy happy and sad tears telling him "Yes!"

"Keigo I've loved you for so long!"

And for the first time the two of you shared a kiss

First thing the next morning the two of you went to the court house to make it official

The two of you were so in a rush you didnt even get real rings instead the two of you bought ring pops

Hawks got you a cherry flavor one

And you got him watermelon

The marriage was simple and quick

The two of you didnt want to waste any time together

Cause these were your last 24

You did a few couple things but more than anything you just wanted to spend the rest of the time you had with him

Hawks got the two of you a honeymoon suite

Where the two of you laid in bed talking

Imagining what your lives would have been like together

Things eventually got started to get a bit hot and heavy but you'd stop him

Looking away from his gaze while he was over you

"Keigo...I've never....you know.."

He'd frown, "You never what? Ohhhh." He then exclaimed once he realized what you meant

"Really?...wait so you were gonna die without-"

Feeling embarrassed you tried to to hid your face, "I know just never talked to anyone really and you were the only one I wanted for so long....and I didnt want to tell you...I didnt know how you'd react I'm sorry dont-"

"Babe, clam down."

He rested his head against yours

"We dont have too."

"But I want too." You'd tell him

And so Keigo would make love with you for the first time

After the two of you would lay there together

Smiling, "we should have done that a long time ago."

Keigo laughed, "I know right"

Laying on his chest, "We're idiots."

"I love you f/n..."

"I'm glad to be spending my last few hours with you."

You smiled and held on to him tighter

"You're the best husband I could have asked for."

"You're the best wife."

"Do you think you'll get married again.."

Keigo didnt answer you

"I want you too."

"Y/n...."

You sat up, "This is my final will...and testimony...I want you to find someone else...dont live alone and sad. our friendship is beautiful and I love you..so when I'm gone I still want you to live...live for both of us...okay?"

Keigo wanted to stop you from talking but he knew this was important for you even if he didnt want to hear it

"....okay."

"You promise?"

Keigo didn't look at you, "...promise."

You knew this was going to be hard for him it was already so hard for you

"I'm going to leave now."

"What?" Keigo sat up alarmed "where are you going?"

"I dont want you to see me dead. The last memory I want you to have of me is a happy one."

As you said that you started to get dressed

"Can I talk you out of this? Stay with me?" He wasnt ready to say goodbye

But you said no

By now you only had about two hours left and your mind was made up

"Take this." He got up and gave you one of his feathers "so I'm with you."

"God, that's cheesey." You tried to laugh

But he didnt show any emotions he just wanted to be with you anyway he could "Please."

You nodded taking his feather and the of you shared your last kiss

Then you left

Keigo didnt sleep that night he only wondered what you were doing

After that night Keigo never saw you again

He didn know where you went he only knew you were gone

Keigo wasnt really the same after you were gone he did everything the same

But something was always missing

His best friend

But for your sake he did what you asked he lived

[cruelfeline]

I’ve been thinking about various aspects of SPoP, as I am wont to do, and as often happens, I’ve settled on trying to figure out why I feel a certain way. Namely regarding why I, personally, am able to feel so much more compassion towards Hordak rather than towards the Princesses. After all, the Princesses are the ones being wronged throughout this show, aren’t they? Their lands are being invaded. They’re the ones having to fight to maintain their way of life. They’re losing ground because of Hordak’s war.

So... why do I find it hard to care about them? Why are their experiences in this conflict just sort of... well, meaningless to me?

And why, instead, do my tender emotional responses strongly favor Hordak, despite his serious role in starting a terrible war?

Well! As per usual, I’m going to try to talk my way through it. 

(and, as per usual, your mileage may vary!)

Let’s start with the Princesses. They range from children to young adults. Seem like reasonably nice girls, despite various flaws. They clearly did not ask for a war, had no hand in starting it, and are clearly on the side of good, seeking to protect innocents and simply return to a peaceful way of life.

They appear perfectly designed to garner sympathy and connection... yet I feel so little for them. I feel little because, despite the show telling me that they’re fighting for their lives, and for their home, despite them being the apparent underdogs in their battle against the Horde, I feel like their lives remain relatively stable. Pleasant. Even enjoyable. 

Essentially, I feel like despite everything, they do not truly suffer. Not in a way that is consistent or touching. 

The arcs the Princesses go through either deal largely with matters unrelated to the war and subsequently involve less arduous difficulties, or are handled in such a way that any real pain is quickly resolved and loses its impact.

Frosta and Perfuma represent the former. Both are parentless rulers of their kingdoms, but there is no real confirmation that their parents were killed by the Horde, and they themselves seem largely unperturbed by parental loss. They maintain control of their kingdoms throughout the series. Frosta never loses the Kingdom of Snows, while Perfuma, though in brief danger of losing Plumeria due to damage to the Heart Blossom, ends up... well, defeating the Horde with a band of untrained hippies. So while they fight in the war against Hordak, they never really suffer any significant, confirmed personal losses because of it.

In fact, the Plumerian conflict is... kind of played for laughs.

The other aspects of their arcs have largely to do with friendship matters, or self-belief, and are also dealt with quickly and with little fanfare. Frosta learns how to make friends. Perfuma learns how to play with cacti. Afterwards, Frosta spends the remainder of the story essentially being a violence-happy little kid; amusing, yes, but not particularly tugging at my heartstrings. Perfuma likewise settles into “sympathetic friend” and, though she’s involved in Scorpia’s story at the end, also does little to invoke any sort of significant emotion. 

we’re just going to skirt around the whole “leashing Entrapta” thing, as it’s not relevant to this discussion

(Spinnerella and Netossa barely even register to me, given their very bare-bones roles in the first four seasons and standard “chipped loved one” narrative (that everyone experiences) in the fifth.) 

So, let’s move on to Glimmer and Mermista.

Glimmer and Mermista are arguably the two Princesses who actually lose unique things in the war and suffer because of those losses. And yet, because of the way the show is written, even their pain is dulled in such a way that it just does not facilitate me forming any sort of consistent, compassionate bond with them.

Mermista is the only Princess to actually lose a kingdom. In Hordak’s most visible evil act, Salineas is burned and beflagged, leading to Mermista deeply mourning the loss of her home, her culture, her peop- oh. Hm.

She takes it oddly well, doesn’t she? Apparently, ice cream in a bathtub is how deposed rulers deal with the loss of their entire country nowadays. 

And once she’s done with her moment of moping, she’s back in the fight, fueled by Sea Hawk’s shenanigans and her own power ballad (and Bright Moon’s lack of ice cream). There is no extended mourning for her people, no real depth to the loss she has supposedly suffered. There’s not even a real sense of it: we never see the people of Salineas, never know them, never get to feel anything for them. And with them being all but theoretical, the show appears to have no issue quickly forgetting them: Mermista never negotiates on their behalf, or visits refugees, or... anything. She might use Salineas in her future battle cries and as an excuse for increased recklessness, but that homage is the extent of emotion that we see.

Kingdom gone, bathtub ice cream finished, she goes on living life as if little has happened. And, because of her royal connections, she doesn’t even experience a decrease in quality of life: she continues to live in luxurious comfort despite an apparently raging war.

Because of how the writing handles Salineas, and her character in general, I never feel connected to how Mermista feels. Whatever pain she experiences is there and gone in a few scenes, quickly dealt with so the story can continue. There is no exploration, no nuance, nothing to really make me appreciate any sort of depth to her experience. And so I feel little, if anything, for her plight.

Glimmer, then, is the last chance the show has to make me feel something for the Alliance Princesses’ suffering during this war, and while season four nearly does it, the series again ends up falling short. 

Glimmer loses her mother. The actual sacrifice is emotional... though that emotion, admittedly, comes mainly from Adora. Glimmer’s pain comes through at the beginning of season four, when she is clearly in mourning all while needing to take Angella’s place as queen. Afterwards, season four does a fairly good job of making the loss meaningful: Glimmer becomes more and more willing to commit dark acts due to a mixture of grief and desperation. It works well, and out of all of the Princesses, I feel for her the most... until season five comes along and pretty much erases Angella from character consciousness.

Angella’s death essentially plays no role in season five. Glimmer does not appear to think back to it. While it drives her actions during season four, it appears to have been all but forgotten now, a particularly glaring shift when Catra, the one who is practically responsible, joins the group without it coming up at all. Glimmer’s other parental loss, Micah, likewise becomes meaningless not because of questionable writing choices, but because he simply never died.

Glimmer’s other problem, her rift with Bow and Adora, is repaired within an episode and never spoken of again. That... falls quite flat for me. 

And so, by the end of the series, Glimmer fails to maintain a believable level of distress and thus doesn’t invoke any real emotion in me. The one thing that really mattered, that really hurt her? Suddenly irrelevant in the name of Catra’s redemption. Hm.

And while these are the specific character examples that come to mind, the general situation the Princesses find themselves also fails to carry much weight in my mind. They are in the middle of a war, yet they continue to live in luxury. Skirmishes carry a sense of light-heartedness and sometimes seem almost fun. Battle plans are developed via a game of DnD. There is just no consistent sense of urgency or severity, no believable sense of emotional depth to convey to me that these characters are in truly dire straits. Yes, there are moments... but these moments are so brief, and carry such questionable lasting impact, that they don’t connect with me the way that they should. And as a result, the plight of the Princesses just feels hollow to me. 

I just... I just find myself unable to care about them because, when all is said and done, I don’t feel like they are truly in danger of real harm, or that they are realistically affected by their losses. It all just feels so shallow to me.

Now, let’s pivot and look at Hordak. Hordak, whom I still cry over on the daily. Hordak, who has owned my heart for over a year now. Hordak, who invokes in me all of the emotions. 

What is the difference between Hordak and the Princesses, other than the glaring fact that he is the instigator of the Etherian war and thus a bad, bad man? What makes him snap my heartstrings in half, while the Princesses barely manage a gentle tug?

The answer is that Hordak legitimately suffers. Terribly. Consistently. Throughout the entire series. While the Princesses experience brief moments of distress that the show quickly sweeps under the rug in favor of witty banter and friendship problems, Hordak is the direct opposite: he experiences only the occasional breath of happiness while otherwise drowning in a constant sea of bitterness, fear, pain, and deep unhappiness.  

From the moment we meet him, Hordak is stern and humorless and angry, and while this initially appears to be a side effect of him being a Standard Ultimate Villain Who Never Smiles, we quickly learn that it is due to his struggle. Hordak is constantly struggling against his physical defect, battling an illness that causes him not only significant health problems, but incredible shame. He is likewise constantly struggling to earn the respect and validation and nonexistent love of his god-brother. His sour demeanor, with all of its anger and dourness, originates in the fact that, throughout the overwhelming majority of the series, he is gravely unhappy. He is in ever-present distress, both physical and emotional. 

And as the series goes on, does that distress lessen? No. No, instead, he is rejected by his brother, thoroughly humiliated, and brutally “reset” back into his life as an actual cult slave. Rather than having his difficulties minimized like so many Princesses do, he finds himself in ever-worsening circumstances, graduating from (supposed) “disgraced, disabled military veteran” to “enslaved cultist desperate to be loved by his loveless master.”

Any moments of happiness are not only relatively brief, they are taken away as quickly as the Princesses’ moments of difficulty are. Hordak experiences love and friendship for the first time with Entrapta, only to swiftly lose her to Catra’s lies and spiraling madness. He finally begins to win the Etherian War (which is bad, yes, I know), only to realize that his victories stem from Catra’s betrayal before the whole affair culminates in Prime’s nauseating violation of his personhood.

It does not stop. Physically, mentally, or emotionally: not until his triumph over Prime in the season five finale does Hordak stop hurting, and even that is marred by Prime taking control of his body in a final act of nightmarish control before, bless him, Hordak is freed and able to begin his recovery.

In addition to being a series constant, Hordak’s pain is conveyed. It is dramatically shown through facial expressions, through body language, through phenomenal voice work, through scenes that clearly depict real anguish. 

The purification ritual is one of them; what other character do we hear scream like that, over and over, due to such terrible agony? His reunion with Prime is another; I will never forget how deeply I could sense his fear, how watching him tremble and beg instilled within me a sort of breathless panic because the scene actually made me want to instinctively protect him... but I could not because, y’know: cartoon. 

Hordak’s suffering is not only ever-present, it is varied and developed and communicated to the viewer in ways that result in it making a lasting impression. It is never minimized. It is never ignored. It is painful and horrifying with little reprieve, and it has a deep, life-altering effect on him.

That, friends and neighbors, is why I think I find myself feeling so much more compassion towards Hordak than I do towards the Princesses, despite his less-enticing place on the moral spectrum. Hordak is in pain. Consistently, meaningfully. He suffers, and the story takes it with every ounce of seriousness it can muster.

The Princesses, on the other hand, either experience little hurt or, when they do suffer, do so briefly before the narrative shoves it aside in favor of Catradora other things. As a result, they fail to make the same impression. They fail to garner my compassion because, in the end, they just don’t seem to really need it.

Whereas Hordak does.

[ellohcee]

Call Me

Okay so I want to throw this little bit out into the universe of one of my favorite instances of Jasper I've written. Context: He's a host for a dinky late night radio show and he has like... 10-15 listeners max and David is one of them, a college student who Can’t Sleep even between classes and his job, so he’s up late late listening to Jasper’s show. He calls in sometimes because Jasper is always offering advice and encouraging people to call in and chat, specifically about LGBTQ topics and David finds comfort and encouragement in their chats. They’ve been talking for a while but he still goes by the name Red. 

- - - -

“Alright you night owls, this next one goes out to my long lost buddy, Red.”

David looked up at the radio in surprise, his pencil stilling on the page.

“It’s been a while since we’ve heard from ya and we miss you dude. And I’m gonna get hella gay up in here, but that’s on brand for me, I miss you.”

David’s breath caught in his throat painfully, his heart hammering.

“So I hope you catch this, give us a call, let me know how you’re doing buddy I’m dyin’ here, don’t leave me hanging. Cause I’ve got a question for you and you wont know what until you gimme a ring. Yes I’m gonna be that guy. So call. Please.”

The music picked back up, and true to Jasper’s word, Blondie’s Call Me started playing.

The pencil had slipped from his fingers without realizing as David tried to decipher all of that, especially that last, sincere please. Jasper missed his calls? Maybe he was just worried because David had dropped off so suddenly. It had just been too nerve wracking once he realized he was crushing on the radio host. But what could Jasper possibly want to ask him? Was it good or bad?

He was still nervous and the idea of calling in downright terrified him now, but… he at least owed it to Jasper to let him know he was alive. It must have looked bad, for him to be consistently calling about once a week and then suddenly stop with no warning, going on nearly two months of silence now. Jasper was always so nice and seemingly happy to talk to him, he must be worried. Gosh, now he had to call, he felt terrible.

David had to take several steadying breaths and about twenty good minutes to work up the nerve, but he managed to eventually press call, hands shaking as he listened to the phone ring.

“What’s up caller you’re live, how’s it hangin?”

“Um, hi...” he said quietly.

He heard a soft intake of air and a shuffle. “That you Red?” Jasper asked, sounding hopeful, the excited smile evident in his voice.

“Y-yes, it’s me,” David replied.

“Aw, buddy, good to hear your voice again man, I was gettin’ worried bout you.”

“I’m so sorry I- just- life, you know?” David hedged, feeling even more guilty because he couldn’t give an honest explanation.

“I feel that, it’s cool dude, it’s just good to hear from ya. I assume you heard my call out?”

David’s heart started beating faster, so, so antsy. If it weren’t for the guilt of worrying Jasper he probably wouldn’t have had the guts to call, but he could still be a wreck about it, easily. “Yes, I did. You... had a question?”

“Yeah! You don’t mind me askin’ live?”

“Um, sure, that’s fine,” David said nervously. It couldn’t be too bad if it was something Jasper could ask on air. Right?

“Sweet. So. Last we talked your rough waves from the coming out thing were settling. You found a boyfriend yet?” the radio host asked casually.

David eyebrows shot up in surprise, his face going so very red and he was so very grateful this was a phone call, not in person because that would make it ten times worse. “Um- n-no, I- I haven’t… um, no,” he stammered uselessly. Why was this the topic??

“Awesome!” Jasper said in delight, leading to an awkward pause. “Wow fuck that sounded hella mean I am so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Cheese and crackers, foot in mouth Jasp, good one. Anyway! I just meant because- like, stop me if this is too weird, or hang up on me, but I was wondering if I could like… take ya on a date?”

David’s heart stopped in surprise, the blush that had just started receding coming back full force. His stomach whirled in a mix of dread and excitement, trying to go one way or the other as his brain stalled for a good long moment-

“Red?”

David sucked in a breath. “Is- are you- are you serious?” he asked softly, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“Course dude!! I wouldn’t fuck around with you like that, hell no! I’m for super serious!”

“But… we’ve- you- you don’t even know what I look like,” David stammered, trying to find reason to turn him down, but so, so desperately wanting to say yes. He felt stupid for saying it the second it left his mouth, Jasper didn’t seem at all the type to place a lot of importance on appearances.

“I don’t need to! I’m sure you’re rad as hell, but I’m not a looks guy, okay? I like your personality, and I love shootin the shit with you, and you’re super nice. That’s the kinda stuff I’m into, and if you’re hella cute, which I’m sure you are, that’s a bonus!”

David stared down at his desk for a long moment, his thoughts a mess, one hand over his mouth as he took this all in. He had to take a moment to pinch the soft skin on the inside of his arm to decide that this was really happening and he hadn’t passed out at his desk into some dream where his crush happened to reciprocate-

“Reeeddd?” Jasper teased softly after another long pause, bringing him out of his panic spiral. “No pressure my dude, you can say no.”

“Yes,” David blurted shakily.

“Yeah??” Jasper asked, his voice picking up in obvious excitement and relief, despite his apparent brace for a rejection. “For real?”

“Y-yes, I’d… I’d like to,” David said softly, his face still red.

“Aw man, awesome, shit. Okay uh- no PI on air so uh- I go off air at 3, you’re usually up pretty late, yeah? Think you’ll be around?”

“Yes, I should be.”

“Supes, call back when you hear me sign off and we’ll hash stuff out, okay? Or at least do personal numbers to talk during the day.”

“O-okay,” David stammered, his mind whirling. “I’ll do that.”

“Sweet. Okay man, you sound a little wigged out so I’ll let you get back, and I will be counting the minutes til sign off,” Jasper teased.

“Okay, um, talk to you later? Bye.”

“Ta-ta for now!” Jasper sung.

David disconnected the call, his pulse still racing as he listened to Jasper on the radio once more, turning the volume back up just in time to hear.

“Oh my god, wack, holy shit you guys he said yes- fuck he’s probably listening and I sound like a giant goober- hi Red! Okay, anymore callers before we go back to music? Holy shitballs.”

A quick, incredulous laugh escaped his mouth before David could stifle it, his chest swirling with fear and elation. Jasper- Jasper had asked him on a date- and he sounded just as rattled as David felt. That helped a little to know it wasn’t just him- Jasper had just been loads better keeping a cap on his nerves while they were talking.

“You’re up caller!”

David came back from his thoughts when he heard a familiar voice, one of Jasper’s other regular callers.

“Oooooh Jasper asked a boy on a daaatteee~” she teased in delight.

“I know oh my god dude I’m still weak from it, I didn’t wanna mess up with Red but I like… really want to meet him and take him out, especially once he stopped calling? And no offense Red if you’re still there it’s TOTALLY cool cause that woke my ass up! Holy shit I still can’t believe he said yes.”

David listened all throughout the rest of Jasper’s show, all thoughts of homework lost as he leaned his elbows on the desk, hands clasped in front of his mouth. Anticipation made his nerves spike again while sitting through Jasper’s familiar sign off, where he bid goodnight to his listeners and started the after hours playlist. David waited a minute before taking a deep, deep breath and pressing the call button.

It rang only once before the line picked up, and a hopeful voice answered. “Red?”

“H-hi Jasper,” he replied.

“Hey dude! Hey, sorry to put you on the spot like that but- y’know, I figured it would be less creepy to everyone to just be upfront and ask you, instead of being like ‘hey call me after hours hoohoo wink wink,’ ya dig?”

David stifled a giggle, smiling. “I understand. It probably would’ve made me more nervous to have to wait that long, wondering what your question was,” he admitted.

“That too! I wanted to just… put it out there, figured it’d be best. So! You’re really cool with going on a date?”

“Yes, I… I’d like that. To meet you,” he added softly, flushed.

“Rad, okay, nice. So let’s just exchange numbers for tonight? I know you might not sleep anyway but it’s friggen late and I don’t want to keep either of us up too long.”

“That sounds good, I don’t want to keep you up either,” David replied. He gave his number first when Jasper gave the go-ahead, listening to the other man hum as he typed it into his phone, and a few moments later David heard a buzz near his ear.

“I just shot you a text so you have my number and can add me.”

“Got it,” David replied, pulling the phone away briefly to see a text notification at the top of the screen, a short string of peace sign emojis that made him smile.

“Awesome sauce. Well- shit, I’m really excited but again, we can talk later. Try to get some sleep, okay dude?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned and losing his usual casual tone. “I worry bout you.”

David smiled, touched by the thought. “I’ll try.”

“Okay, I’ll text you sometime tomorrow- today, whatever, much later. Give you a chance to snooze. Night Red, and thanks for- you know. Thanks. Night!”

“Goodnight Jasper, and thank you too,” he replied softly.

“No prob, catch ya later.”

David pulled the phone away and ended the call, his heart still hammering as he tried to comprehend everything. But he decided to pack it away for later, turning off the radio and closing the long abandoned textbook. Hopefully he could get a few hours of sleep and be a tiny bit more composed when he next spoke with Jasper.

Doubtful, but it was a nice thought.

[numbaoneflaya]

Can I get a list of all ur ocs?

Well anon youve done it, you made me make a list of all my major OCS in one place. I hope your happy with yourself. Under the cut for obvious reasons, may link in my blog desc later.

Modern/BTD verse!!

Jilly- Ferret beastkin little creature, was recently turned into a werewolf by vincent as well so she's running around on full moons in a wereferret wolf hybrid creature form. Chaotic and friendly and wants to be everyone's bestie. She has the most energy in the world and is very kind hearted. Banned from most Claires for stealing and from one Home Depot for climbing the shelves. Prone to living life with rose colored glasses on and seeing the best in everything/everything even when there's nothing there. Socialization is a must for her and is why being basemented/kidnapped broke her psych so quickly and developed severe stockholm. Sometimes overly talkative/enthusiastic and can scare people off. Even if she sees someone shes decided shes friends with be noticeably 'evil', will convince herself it must be for some reason/her fault and ignore it.

Ciggy- Undead punk still learning to harness his powers to interact with the world as a ghost. Was sacrificed by a cult he joined for free concert tickets and to get laid. Likes to cause problems on purpose both pre and prior death and he's not above possessing someone once he learns how to. Was called Rooster in high school before he dropped out because he's loud, obnoxious and always screaming. And also has bright red dyed hair. Looking 4 ways to become less ghosty bcs he wants to be able to help raise his infant daughter, whom he died before he could meet. Bit annoying and in your face, likes poking at bruises, his or others. Kind of a sad heart seeking attention through volume and persistence.

Mike: Vampire loser! Sells drugs and lives at raves. Was turned when she was attacked by a coked out vampire (whom she supplied the product to) and has major scarring on her face and chest. Needs a somewhat constant influx of blood so shell sometimes take victims back to her place and chain them up, slowly draining them over time. Feels bad (ish) about it tho so it is possible to survive her if you are nice and or interesting enough. Kind of desperate for a friend and for love. Is a stalker. If she likes you enough/finds you interesting, she might just appear in your house one night and start rummaging through your fridge like nothing is wrong and youve been besties for years. Its best to indulge her and be friendly, otherwise she could turn violent quickly if her feelings are hurt.

Kilaine- Regular human woman, but fucked up. Born and raised by an elite waspy society she had an interest in the human body and pain tolerance since she was young. Quickly learned that these traits were socially unacceptable in most professions, so she became a doctor. The only family she cared about was her younger sister who she lost in a car accident, where they were flipped over and trapped inside while it was afire. While her sister burned up in front of her Kilaine only lost her left arm and had major burns on her body. This tipped her descent into sadism and she is now madly obsessed with bringing her sister back no matter the cost. Rude and offstandish, clinical.

Dragon age verse!

Thurwen- My main Hero of Ferelden with a bad temper and a heart of gold. City elf from the Denerim Alienage, 18 at the start of origins. She's a reaver warrior with a lot of pent up rage which sometimes scares others when she lets it out in battle. Over the years she's grown less moody as she's had to take the role of Commander. Crude sense of humor and violent impulses, very sensitive to the plights of others and tries often to help. Never seen crying in public but only cries to herself at night- major martyr and hanged man complex.

Caz- My circle mage elf inquisitor who was an apostate before the conclave. Blood magic, but make it sneaky. Wary of strangers and new faces, always dealing with the impulse to flee/find a high vantage point. Endless curiosity about the unknown/ the forbidden/ naughty, was supposed to be made tranquil for it but she escaped. Kind of a little creature as well, lived on her own for a while as an apostate in the woods, filed her teeth down to sharp ends to make herself look more intimidating (shes 5 ft tall) and less cute (her elf ears are huge and expressive, which shes embarrassed about)

Dag and Thagna- Carta twins! Professional lyrium smugglers since birth pretty much. Raised casteless in dust town and had to work their way up the chain of command by themselves. Dag is the brother, Thagna the sister. Their father traded them to the carta for drinking money and their mom died in childbirth so they have somewhat of a codependent relationship. Both charismatic and calculating, friendly and agreeable but won't hesitate to put a dagger in your back. Hard to pin down morally or physically, squirrelly bastards.

Reila: Dalish elf who works for the inquisition/ is the inquisitor in some aus. She has an extreme fixation on elvhen history and rebuilding what they have lost. Not a people person, prefers solitude. Takes some time to warm up to shemhlen as she has a hard history with them. Good friends with Caz, who recruited her in the first place. Doesn't understand very many social cues and finds societal expectations limiting and frustrating. Fondness for halla and hooved animals, which she finds graceful.

Elder scrolls verse!

Valkya: Near seven foot nord woman whos over a thousand years old by the events of skyrim. Tall and buff, two handed warrior and compulsive hero there to bask in the spotlight save the day. She was killed at the start of the events of Elder scrolls online and had her soul ripped out and sent to coldharbor and she's just been a pain in the ass about it since then. Her body can physically die and will not regrow pieces. Her soul however will escape and teleport to the nearest source of power where her body will regrow from an aetherial plasm until its whole again. Loud and brash, friendly and jovial. Actually pretty keen especially after centuries of life but prefers to play dumb as it makes people underestimate her. Plus, she really does enjoy mud wrestling and drinking contests and acting generally like a rambunctious frat boy. Ha developed a bit of a substance problem and a problem with acting out, as after being alive so long she would turn to anything to dull the ache inside of her that never goes away.

Espira- My Dragonborn! Redguard from Hammerfell who was briefly in the Ash’abah due to killing undead while protecting her parents water farm as a child. Ran away from them after years and went to Cyrodille, then to Skyrim and was caught crossing the border. Reserved, kind and soft spoken, she's a sword and shield warrior who's committed herself to doing good in the world by helping others. Dislikes killing and anything messy but believes it is often necessary in order to protect the weak. She blacksmiths often to save money on the upkeep of her own equipment, and takes up metal jewelry working as a hobby with the excess material. Prone to trusting others too much and giving too many second chances, as shes always looking for ways to make even the most hardened criminal a second look at life.

Riley- Espiras little brother who she locked in the wardrobe during the event of the water farm attack. In preventing him from doing violence against the undead she kept him from being conscripted into the Ash’abah. He's way more chaotic than his sister, and suffers from a case of little sibling syndrome in which he will often pester/poke at people just to get a rise out of them. Still kind hearted as his sister, he tries to hide it because he believes that the world is a cruel place and the cruel survive. Despite that belief he is often still unable to force himself to be cruel/careless, only making a show of it so that others leave him alone and don't see that he's very sensitive and emotional. Deaf in one ear due to a magic mishap in his youth, he trained and enchanted his most beloved rats to live for years and sit on his shoulder, alerting him to noises he would not otherwise notice.

Felria: Evil vamp :/ chaotic evil dunmer necromancer. Small and devilish and likes dead bodies too much. Manipulative and cunning, she loves acting. She's a trained assassin for the dark brotherhood and is the speaker. Likes dressing up for missions and wearing disguises like its all a play. Loves toying with people more than she loves killing them, will act in ways that cause as much trauma as possible for other people just for fun and she finds the reactions interesting. Considers herself too far removed from most people's perception of morality and of her so it's hard for her to trust someone or see them as worthy of knowing her. Finds the psychology of grief and fear to be interesting and wants to study them first hand. The hero of kvatch.

Herren: Fifty something year old rat woman looking for something to keep her going. Ran away from her wealthy family in her youth when they wanted her to take charge of the household, instead became an infamous jewel thief and swashbuckler. Spent most of her life traveling and stealing and double dealing. She's smarmy and sarcastic, a serial romancer of the highest caliber. Bit of a show off and a hedonist, always looking for the next good party or new product to snort. Her family died off due to the hard times she wasn't there for and she keeps looking for bigger and bigger heists to fill her appetite as she's chronically bored and lonely, though wont accept intimacy and will scoff at it out of the belief she doesn't deserve it. Irresponsible and selfish, lonely and terrified of any sort of commitment. Fun to party with though!

[nebraska-is-a-myth]

Mourn the living, raise the dead - Part 8

Sorry for such a long wait for this chapter, please don't kill me

Masterlist

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Tommy has had to do a lot of mourning in his short time on earth. For years he mourned the loss of a mother he never met, and the normal life he never had. After that he mourned the loss of friends and family when his father took him halfway across the world to live in some shitty American apartment, which eventually led to the mourning of his dad. Killed in a car accident and leaving Tommy orphaned at the age of 11. He mourned every single failed foster placement until he eventually found solace in the shadow of Technoblades power and willingness to let scrawny little 15 year old Tommy into his life. But good things don't like Tommy. They let him think that maybe this time it will be better, and then everything crumbles before him and he's back to square one. Alone. Another piece of his heart breaking from the hurt. So when he was forced to mourn Technoblade, Tommy had given up any hope that happiness would find him again. Even when Dream took him in and proved to him time and time and again that he wouldn't leave him, Tommy never really let himself be happy in fear of losing everything all over again. But something inside him changed when he met Tubbo. Tubbo was sweet and kind and chose Tommy over everyone else and he never could quite comprehend why someone like Tubbo would choose someone like him. Countless times Tommy had kept on trying to distance himself from the other boy, but every time Tommy was in a bad mood or tried to push him away, Tubbo always seemed to find him with a hug and a smile (and all the proper tools to cause some chaos, weather that be hotwiring a car or setting an abandoned house on fire, where there was a Tubbo, there was a crime) Tubbo forced himself into Tommy's life and chained himself to Tommy. Physically and metaphorically. So over time, Tommy learnt that maybe letting people in wasn't so bad after all. Wilbur, Fundy and Eret came into his life all at once and one by one they all became his family. Something Tommy never thought he would have in this life. He felt loved for the first time since he moved out of his home town, and maybe he would be okay with everything that had happened in his life if it meant it would lead him to this point. 

Mourning Eret seemed different. 

Tommy felt empty and hollow, like a piece of him had drowned with his friend. Parts of what happened are still blurry to him, but he remembers the pain he felt when he realized Eret would never hold him again. He wouldn't be able to tell him to shut up when he told nonsense stories or chase him around town after stealing something when they were supposed to be out grocery shopping. He wouldn't be able to comfort Tommy after a nightmare or play silly games with him in Wilbur's living room. All he could feel was the pain in his chest and the rasp in his throat after crying into the night. Funnily enough, all his physical injuries were gone. His leg had healed past the need for his crutches almost as if there was never any damage there at all. (“Are you sure you're not in any pain Tommy.” “Yes Will I'm bloody sure now stop poking me”) Mourning Eret felt like a punch to the guy or a black eye, he almost wishes someone would punch him just so he could feel something other than the overwhelming sadness that's taken over him.

Wilbur became his rock in the hours after it happened. First Tommy was mad at the older man after dragging him out of the water, but then Tommy just cried into Wilbur's shoulder and he hasn't really left his side since. He doesn't know whether it's because he doesn't want to be alone, or if he’s afraid that he’s going to lose Wilbur too.

They don't get much time to process everything before everyone is thrown back into the reality that they are still going to war in less than a day. (Tommy barely has time to search the smoldering rubble of Wilbur's office for Erets spare glasses before they’re all called back into training and preparations. The glasses are scratched and a little damaged but Tommy just slips a chain around his neck and wears them proudly around his chest) There isn't time for a proper funeral, not yet. Tommy doesn't really like the idea of having to bury an empty coffin either, so for now the remaining four pay their respects by setting Erets car ablaze. Fundy came up with the idea, sort of reminiscent of a Viking funeral. None of them could bear to sit in it any longer without bursting into tears, so after making the final preparation for their confrontation with dream smp the following day, they all ride out to the beach and park the car on the cool sand. Nobody's left in the city to stop them. Once the sun has set and the stars have come out, Wilbur lights the match and the car goes up in flames before them, along with memories of one of their closest friends. 

They all lie in the sand together for a while, looking up at the night sky and reminiscing about the good times when everything was so much simpler. When Eret was alive. 

“Do you remember Fundys birthday, when we all went bowling and Tommy almost got us arrested?”

“I did not almost get us arrested Tubbo.”

Tommy has his resting against Wilbur's midsection as the older man strokes his fingers through the blonds hair, he feels Wilbur chuckle and he thinks he can almost hear him smile.

“You absolutely almost got us arrested, we practically had to sprint out of that bowling alley.”

“Okay so maybe I shouldn't have thrown myself down one of the lanes, but I needed that strike and Fundy was cheating!”

“I was not cheating, if anyone was cheating it was Eret!”

They don't mean for it to go silent, but the wind steals their conversation every time their friend's name is mentioned. But this time, Tubbo doesn't let it get carried away into the night.

“Do you think he’s up there, looking down on us?”

Wilbur doesn't know how to answer, he continues to stroke his hand through tommy's hair and thinks for a moment. He never really believed in heaven or hell, or the afterlife, just a big vast void of nothingness. But as he stares up at one of the brightest stars in the sky, he sees the way it sparkles at him, almost as if it's looking down onto his little family of four, protecting them from what's to come. In that moment, every thought about the afterlife leaves him, and all he can focus on, is the way the star looks at him.

“I think, in some way, yeah, he is. He’s also probably shouting at us for destroying his car.”

He hears the other three chuckle and he smiles up at the star.

Wilbur was never any good at science when he was a kid, but he knows that stars don't just disappear. He knows that stars can fizzle out, and they can burn for over hundreds of years, but they're always there. He finds comfort in knowing that if he ever misses his friend, he can just look up at the stars and everything will be alright.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day the remainder of L’manburg stands tall against the leaders of the dream smp on the outskirts of the city. Sapnap is standing with a gun already in his hands to greet them and Tommy can hear Tubbo swallow his fear. Tommy can feel Dreams eyes on him the second he comes into eyeshot, but Tommy's face remains impartial to the older man. George sniggers when he sees Tommy wearing the ugliest looking sunglasses and almost makes a joke about the boy stealing his brand, but Dream beats him to it.

“Gentlemen, have you made your choice.”

Dream hopes with all his heart that they choose defeat. He doesn't want to fight l’manburg for power or land or money, he wants to run away with his tail between his legs if it means he doesn't have to raise his gun at any of them. But George and sapnap are twisting his arm behind his back, if he doesn't do this then he’ll be kicked from the top spot in the food chain. And even though he doesn't care for social hierarchy, if George or sapnap were in charge, chaos and death would flood through the city. He doesn't want to fight Tommy, or Wilbur, or anyone for that matter, but if it means sapnap or George wont gun them down without a second though, he will pretend that fighting them is what he wants.

“You have taken everything from us dream, even when we thought we had nothing left you took our oxygen and you left us to suffocate. If it means laying down our lives today for independence, then so be it. But that blood will be on your hands.”

Dream wants to stop this, to stop everything now before it's too late. But he sees the fire burning in sapnaps eyes and his throat goes dry.

“How does it feel by the way, does Erets death feel good on your conscious Dream.”

George lets out a high pitch laugh and even sapnap seems to crack a smile.

“Its not fucking funny you-”

“Not now Tommy.”

Wilbur silences Tommy and turns back to the masked man.

“Independence, or death. You chose dream.”

Sapnap steps forwards and points his gun at fundys face.

“Well if you insist.”

Dream raises his hand and sapnap lowers his weapon, disappointment clearly hung across his face.

“Before all that nonsense, do you mind if we call in one more person, wouldn't want it to be an unfair fight now would we.”

As George finishes speaking a red sports car comes revving into view from behind the dream team, Wilbur wants to vomit at how George looks excited by it all. When the car stops just behind the trio, the team watches the driver's side open and sees Punz step out of the car. Wilbur finds it strange how he doesn't seem to be carrying any weapon, and he clearly lacks the same body armor as the rest of his team.

That is until the passenger door opens.

And Eret steps out of the car.

[bloodycassian]

A new Hope

ACOTAR - Cassian x (no gender) reader. Reader is an Illyrian trying to better the future of their people. 

Cassian would not doubt that the world ending may be caused by Rhysand, once he learned of his newest relationship. Cauldron hope that Rhys would be able to explain it better than Cassian was to Rhys. 

“She has a great sense of fighting ability. Rhys listen - she’s just as much of an asset as Feyre is!” He shouted as Rhys walked away. 

“An asset or an ass you can look at Cass? I have tolerated quite a few of your less than admirable partners here but I will not have an Illyrian. The Three of us are enough as it is. Besides we dont even know what clan they’re from I wont-” Rhys paced at the top of the step, his anger building the more Cassian tried to persuade him. 

“Rhys just meet them! Meet them and you’ll understand.” Cassian’s voice was quiet at the end,  almost pleading. The high lord paused, glancing at his friend. Rhys had never known him to use that tone unless it was utterly serious. He weighed the risks in his mind. Deny his Army General a simple pleasure or risk losing valuable secrets about his home territory to possible enemy Illyrian clans? The choice was obvious in his mind, but Cassians’ persistence on the matter made him reconsider. 

Rhy’s sighed, his power draining from his taut muscles. He waved a hand at his friend. “If I feel even a glimmer of note taking in their mind I will -Cassian, I will wipe it clean.” His friend’s face lit up with gratitude. 

Cassian bound up the steps and clapped his high lord on the shoulder, his wings flaring with excitement. “You know not all us pure bred Illyrians are such lying assholes.” 

+

You knew that someone would have to winnow you. The experience itself was much much different than how anyone described it. It made flying to the balcony almost impossible. Your head swam in dark spots and stars that weren’t actually there. Cassian’s warm hands righted you before you tumbled over your own feet when hitting the landing. His strong corded arms wrapped protectively around your middle, making sure you were adjusted to your feet again. 

Your stomach rolled. Never from your entire life of flying had anything made you that woozy before. “I think I’m good now - lets just fly next time.” You breathed and nodded to Cassian for approval. It felt like your entire body had been squeezed into a hole and pulled out the other end. 

“I had the house make breakfast-” Mor chirped as she walked in from the stairs. Food appeared on the enormous table. You turned, and vomited over the side of the balcony. 

+

A few hours later, Cassian was beaming at you from across the table. All were laughing at a story he had just gotten done telling, and this place truly felt like a home for him. You could understand why he wanted so much better for you, for all the Illyrians. Better was possible, especially with such a forgiving high lord that was willing to help with ruling over the war camps. 

“Very charming dear boy, but I believe we were here to interview your new pet.” The tiny woman at the end of the table finally spoke. Her eyes shone of a strange silver white that you had never seen before, and she did not eat. She was unsettling, and the rest of the table quieted. Amren, was her own person in the most definitive way. Cassian had warned you of her. You cleared your throat.

“I believe we have enough open minded Illyrians to begin our own camp, a new group where there are no rites, and females are not clipped.” You had practiced it in your head over and over on the days leading up to your meeting with Rhysands inner circle. 

Cassian was grinning like a smug cat at the high lord and lady. Feyre could not hide her shock, and Mor took a long sip of her wine. Rhys leaned back in his chair, intrigued. “Wouldnt that mean a slaughter of these people? If the others found out. You would be painting a target on your back from the start.” No judgement, only pure questions and curiosity. 

“We are trained, and are willing to shed blood if it comes to it.” You stated, willing your voice not to quaver under his questions. You could feel the power in his mere presence alone, and did not want to see it in action. You took a breath before revealing what you had been hiding until this moment. You glanced toward Cassian, who nodded in encouragement. You rolled up one of the sleeves covering the back of your hand. “I am willing to lead them.” Your dark onyx siphon glinted in the light. Utter silence coated the room, shock echoing throughout. Amren’s mouth dropped - then began beaming at you.

You rolled up the other sleeve, revealing the siphon on the opposite hand. “I am willing to protect them. We just need your help.” You stared at the high lord, who’s eyes were wide and jaw clenched. You didnt want to know what that meant. There was a soft chuckle from behind you.

Azriel was smiling wide as he stood next to you, taking your hand. “Welcome to the club. No way Rhy’s is letting you go now.” 

+

“No winnowing. You can fly back with me or not, but I am going to vomit up that lovely dinner.” You pulled on your jacket, happy to be out of the hot seat at the table. So many questions from every angle besides Amren, who had just summoned a cup from the house and drained it. 

“You’ll have to get used to it sometime. Rhys’ seems very interested in you.” He nudged your shoulder lightly, his wings flaring out - as if to taste the night breeze. “And not at all grateful to me for finding you.” He grumbled. 

You rolled your eyes and stretched your arms, preparing for the long flight. You refused to stay the night, despite Feyre insisting. Nerves would probably make it impossible to sleep anyway. Not to mention the thought of sleeping in the same place as Cassian. He was… too tempting. 

“Maybe we stop and camp if you’re still not feeling great.” He started for the ledge, then in a swift stride disappeared into the darkness. You glanced behind to the empty, already cleaned dining room. Magic house, must be nice. You felt a twinge of sadness as you leapt from the balcony.

A howl of adrenaline ripped through the air as Cassian hit an updraft just before the outside of the Illyrian mountain range. His heart soared, the cold wind kissing his skin and making him feel the best kind of alive. You circled with him, the soft glow of the campfires below were warm, but not inviting. You knew those fires were lit for the ones without even tents to call a home. Shame crashed through you. 

Children of your kind, sleeping out in some of the most vicious winters that Prythian had to offer. It made you shudder. You had done all you could for the mothers of some of the children. For the ones willing for change. You knew that it was an uphill battle to create them a new home, but it would be worth it. It would pay off eventually. 

If it worked.

Cassian banked toward you and matched your speed, his powerful wings within touching distance of yours. There was a long moment of silence between you. The wind and the rasp of your wings against your clothes the only sounds. Your face stricken, you tried to force a smile at him. “You dont have to go back, you know. We can figure something else out if you don't want to stay at the House of Wind.” 

“What would that show my people?” You snapped back at him. The offer was kind, yes but Cassian might not know how bad certain camps had gotten. Especially the smaller ones. Males had begun usurping smaller villages and kicking children and females out of their own homes. That was on the good days, on the normal days there would be puddles of blood in the dirt roads the morning after the raid.

“I just mean maybe we should.. Stay out together?” Cassian trailed off. You felt your cheeks flush with color. “I mean if you want or if you dont its fine we can-” he started rambling as you descended together, landing just outside the flickering light of the village. 

“You mean the great Night Cout General wants to share a tent with a war camp Illyrian?” You teased, pulling your coat tighter against the cold. The wind on the ground seemed to whip more harshly after landings. As if it was punishing you for being in its way. 

Cassian boomed with laughter, “I havent heard of sharing a tent in years. I cant deny it is appealing.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you. His dark hair curled around his neck, bringing out the color in his dark cheekbones. He stepped toward you, blocking the wind. “Youre appealing.” His voice dropped to little more than a growl, his eyes were dark glancing from your lips to your eyes. 

Your stomach flipped, tying knots up to your slamming heart. His wings flexed out, hands reaching for yours tentatively. The calluses on his palms were warm, and tough where a sword would lay. They matched his personality. You were ready for this. After looking at his full dark lips so long you were beyond studying the shape and curve of them. You were ready to see if they matched him as perfectly as his hands did. 

A high pitched whistle sounded through the camp. Cassian groaned, his hands tightening on yours. Your eyes widened as you spied the cause of the interruption. A band of males were circling a fire, a few of them with weapons. Some with nothing more than a few scraps of clothes. 

“Shit” You breathed, starting toward the group. You didnt know what you would do, but nothing would touch this village, the camp you worked so hard to preserve. You felt your siphons thrum with power. You would eviscerate them if they would not listen, you knew that much. You had hopes with this side of the village, that this would be more civilised than the south side where the fighting rings were. 

Cassian grabbed your wrist before you could get farther. “I will help. Show yourself to them. Let them feel fear of the siphons. If they dont listen I can.. I will help you.” His eyes hid nothing, icy rage filled them. 

You spun and kissed him, quickly. Quickly before he could pull you in, and get lost in the feeling of pure him. He faded to the shadows, the whisper of his wings the only thing telling you he was monitoring. Even facing a band of murder frenzied Illyrians, you could barely get the smile off your face.