#i feel bad and everything is awful
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im tired of crying my eyes out because there's no fucking hope.
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He was just being a silly little guy!
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#jin guangyao#wen ruohan#nie mingjue#lan xichen#JGY's character is the zigging and zagging guy of all time#We love a little meow meow that can bite and scratch and kill you.#We also love a little meow meow that can mewl pathetically!#'He's evil now and torturing his former friend?" ZAG TIME: He's a spy and feels soooo awful about it!!#ZIG TIME: He (probably) didn't need to go that deep into the role and kill as many people as he did.#Something I really love about the sworn brother trio is how they reflect how our feelings distort our perception of others.#Lan Xichen represents how when we love/care about someone -anything they do can be endearing. They aren't manipulative: they are clever.#Its less about rose tinted glasses and more about reframing every look you get of them. The constant justifications you make for them.#They just need a space to be loved! “They care for me so I will stand by them no matter what to show them I'm there for them!”#While NMJ represents how when you dislike someone - Everything they do is an affront or proof of their foul character.#Everything is a sign. Everything is 'proof' they are just as awful as you want them to be. Every 'good trait' is twisted.#The problem is that most people are just human. They are flawed and they are capable of good and bad things.#Meng Yao's motivations are very complex. Yet he's extremely human all the same. He isn't the saint nor the monster of the story.
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THE ENTIRE DRAGON AGE AMA IS A DUMPSTER FIRE
They avoided all the high-rated questions with genuine criticism (not blind hate!) and went for questions that were safer and allowed them more leeway. After that awful IGN article and that treatment of Davrin...God, just put it down. I have no faith that BioWare will be able to continue Dragon Age or Mass Effect with the respect it deserves.
Edit - They had an opportunity for genuine discussion with fans who were concerned/unhappy with the way Veilguard was -> people unhappy with the story, the marketing, the lack of 'RP' options in an RPG, etc... Instead they just doubled-down even more, avoiding those critical questions, with no real acknowledgement that fans have very reasonable problems with this game.
Some Highlights & My Initial Ramblings Below:
The Executors
"They attempt to manipulate events in the most subtle way they can manage."
So, very clear that they're not simply observers of what is happening in Thedas: they're manipulators...
"Magical Illuminati Confirmed! Lizard People Did 9:30 Dragon!!!!"
All that complexity of character -> his hatred of Orlais, his experience as a general, his relationship with Cailain, and the influence of Howe...all diminished. Any influence from a shadow cabal is too much influence - all the humanity of Loghain's choices/consequences...God, what a waste.
Not to mention what this does to other events/characters in the series -> they imply they've been intervening as far back as the magisters breaking into the golden city. I do not find this compelling! At all!
2. Solas and the Executors
Oh my god, he sounds like such a fucking Mary-Sue I'm so sick of Solas at this point -> "Actually, I know more about the Executors than anyone alive - not even the rest of the Gods know as much as me."
("I'm also, like, an Ancient Elven God, I'm responsible for the Blight and the Veil, and I kind of locked the Gods away cause they were evil - but, like, I'm really sad about it. Also the Herald of Andraste thinks I'm cute <3")
<- Previous comments: massive oversimplification, obviously
But I miss the days when not everything was about Solas. It removes so much interest and wonder in this world when the fucking egg is behind it all. I loved him as a character in DAI and now I just feel this bone deep tiredness when I see his stupid face.
Don't you dare threaten to bring Gareth David-Lloyd back -> keep him away from this mess!
3. The Fate of the Rest of the Evanuris
Yay. I'm so looking forwards to "The Return of the Elves: Electric Boogaloo 2" - it was done so well the first time!
"It was the elves all along!"
The only character with any potential to be interesting is Andruil*, but how they handled all this lore was done so shallowly and so poorly that I find it hard to give a damn anymore. Not to mention that the game literally mentions Ghilan'nain mourning Andruil - so is this a retcon/redirection/or have you confirmed that one of the most interesting members of the Evanuris' is dead?
*interesting in that she's established in lore to potentially have a tonne of really cool things attached to her (the void armour, the great weapon she has etc...). The rest of the evanuris are nowhere near as well established as she is.
4. Southern Thedas, Sociopolitical Issues, and Future Games
NOW YOU WANT TO INCORPORATE GEO-POLITCAL EXPLORATION?? You avoided any meaningful discussion like the plague in DATV but now you're acknowledging it?? OkaY. okAy.
They couldn't even give us the long-term ramifications of the mage/templar war how the hell am I supposed to believe that they will be able to pull off 'elven gods are real' etc...? For a game series that totes : your choices matter -> they have not proven that they have been able to show that in a meaningful way. They literally cleaned the slate with this game to avoid doing that.
So, what, does that mean that the Veil is never going to come down now? Or are you going to have the entirety of Thedas build themselves up again just to have the Veil fall and send things into chaos once more?
What a fatalistic, miserable outcome for Thedas -> why the fuck would anyone bother to live in Thedas if you're going to keep throwing meteorites at them? By all means, change/conflict has to happen for the series to move forwards...but this is just so miserable at this point.
(The Elder Scrolls, at least, gives people room to breathe between crisis' or sets them up in different areas of the world! Bethesda treats past installments/your decisions with greater respect than DATV does.)
Even, then, if the Veil remains up, that means that the spirits are just trapped in the Fade being miserable for the rest of existence. The entire series has been humanizing spirits, from Justice to Cole, and now they're just throwing in the towel? I guess they can stay in the fade now! Problem solved!
What do you mean the Evanuris are not a threat anymore? IN A PREVIOUS QUESTION YOU LITERALLY SAID SOME ARE STILL POTENTIALLY KICKING AROUND THE BLACK CITY?
Weakened, sure, but Solas was 'weak' in DAI. You're giving yourself an out if you decide to go back to the elves again. Please do, I'd love more content on how the elves alone fuck everything up!
5. More Southern Thedas, the Chantry, and Tevinter
Thanks for the confirmation that things in the South are so fucked up that they have to work alongside the 'Slave Capital' of the known world to rebuild!
Slavery was one of the biggest things that caused a rift between the north/south chantry system -> one of the reasons why there were exalted marches -> a uniting belief in the south is that slavery is fucked. They didn't address slavery in DATV - what hopes are there that they will do so effectively in a future game?
Don't tell me that Dorian fixes everything off screen either -> either he solves slavery off-screen or the south is being forced to work the slaver-capitol because their land is nuked and they have no ground to stand on.
I'm so thrilled.
6. Solas and the Idol / The Blight
I will never get over Solas fucking curing the Blight off-screen and no one asking questions/giving a shit. Hello?? The Hero of Ferelden would like a word with you???
So the Blight is calcified in Minrathous, at least, but everywhere further away is still fucked! Once more, the South is doomed to suffer from the long-term effects that regular blights have -> not to mention the red lyrium (which still exists according to the AMA) across the south.
I don't care; it's lame. It's a lame way to conclude the blight and I hate it. This game did not earn 'cure the blight from thedas' at all. You could have had us learn how to soothe a titan and see how that can diminish the blight but you did it this way.
Another 'magical ritual' because Solas has such a good track record with them lmao.
7. The Agents of Fen'Harel / The War with the Qun / The Crows
Turned him against the idea of being a leader???!!
Fen'harel's Call to the Elven People After the events at the Winter Palace, elves left the Inquisition under mysterious circumstances, as did elven servants across Thedas. None could say where they went, but those who believed the Inquisitor's story about Fen'Harel wondered just how large the Dread Wolf's forces were... and what the ancient elven rebel had planned. This is from the Trespasser Epilogue, Epler!
Your concept art for Joplin literally had him as a leader of a faction of elves. Just be honest that it's a retcon and you changed course - don't try to save face with this reasoning.
About the Antaam: "We needed some big mindless bad guys to fight and so we did this because we didn't want to address the Qunari War/Invasion we set up in Trespasser".
You had to canonize Sten as being alive and Arishok in order for this reasoning to work -> you didn't even come up with an alternative Arishok to take Sten's place.
Yeah, the exchange that set up the Crows we see in the game as "idealists" did not make the game. I can confirm that!
I'm sorry, "Caterina kept Illario in check?" as in, 'kept him an idealist and not the usual Crow'? The woman that beat him with a cane and starved him and his cousin to train them as Crows. Fuck off.
lmao -> tell me you're coming up with this on the spot without telling me that you're coming up with this on the spot.
8. World State Discrepancies - Isabela
Outright ignores the very real criticism about the marketing from this game and World States.
"there are absolutely places where we unintentionally suggested there was a hard canon (...that Isabela is always assumed to have joined Hawke's party.)"
Unintentional?
Excuse me, you have her talk about Merrill and the Kirkwall Crew as family - that was not unintentional in the slightest. Not to mention Sten, Blackwall, Sera, and Cole are canonized as being part of your world state no matter what.
You had a story you wanted to tell - one that only fit a few world states - and you went ahead with it and disregarded those choices. Don't try and lie about this all being a big misunderstanding.
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Edit - They could have taken the opportunity to address the very reasonable criticisms that people had with this game but they cherry-picked questions and avoided/minimized anything remotely critical.
They could have provided us some insight into the game development time but each time they approached the topic they settled for "we're happy with what we delivered and it was well optimized."
They had an opportunity to acknowledge that people were bothered by the handling of the lore/stories (to potentially mention they could course-correct/ rethink their plans) but instead they doubled down on everything that they did and even 'justified' some decisions. They doubled down on the Executors, Solas's changing motivations, the destruction of Southern Thedas, and the elves/Solas being at the heart of everything etc...
This AMA basically confirmed that the only reason they did what they did to the south was for a reset -> It's not a compelling or fulfilling narrative to have everything we've done reset back to ground zero off-screen. BioWare games differentiate themselves from other RPG's by their import system from previous games - it was compelling and exciting! With DATV they set the expectation that BioWare can outright throw out entire games worth of choices/build up, not solely retcon them.
Justifying your choice to water down the lore/world of your story by saying you'll address it in the 'next game' does not instill me with confidence, BioWare! It doesn't explain that lack of it in this game either!
They avoided every question that, rightfully so, pointed out the misleading comments made by devs in the pre-order period of the game:
the fact that there were only 3 imported choices from previous games was leaked by a reviewer -> BioWare was vague from the start about choices
that this game was the most 'romantic' in the series
that world states/ headcanons wouldn't be disrespected
that there are 'lore' reasons for bad darkspawn design
that there are lasting, impactful choices/consequences to be made in this game
that the lore/world was not watered or toned down
that companions are deep and you can disagree with them etc...
BioWare's behavior towards their customers in the lead up period to this games release was downright scummy. I absolutely felt misled after playing the game for myself and recalling what I read in interviews put out. While EA is undoubtedly poison, you can't hold them solely accountable for this.
I feel for the individual developers who worked on this in what was undoubtedly a toxic environment from EA - but I feel that it's pretty clear that BioWare itself has a lot of problems within and in their leadership/executives. Working for EA does not give them an excuse to mislead their customers.
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I already had a very grim outlook on the franchise from the end of DATV but this literally look my interest out the back and sent it to God. What a disaster.
#what a dumpster fire#I thought it would be bad but not this bad#that IGN interview was awful too - how did anyone think it would help their public perception???#the lore and story has absolutely been ruined by the game#epler i will never forgive you for your godawful take on davrin - absolutely gross#does bioware's pr office hate them? is this some internal fuckery?? lmao#I'll have to edit my lore post because this makes everything worse than what I thought it was#its just such a grim way to end the series - with everything blighted and ruined#obviously don't attack devs! I'm not wishing for them to be harassed or anything - bioware as a studio is not in a good place imo#if you like it then I'm glad but this series is going in a direction that has absolutely no appeal to me :/#this game feels like it punishes me for caring about the world they created#edit - my bafflement has died down and I can add some more critical thoughts about what they could have taken this AMA opportunity to do#I've loved this series for around 12-13 years now and its just sad that its ending this way for me :(#datv spoilers#datv critical#dragon age the veilguard#bioware critical#veilguard critical
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okay as someone with chronic fatigue mitrum genuinely means the world to me. He’s exhausted and has no desire to do anything, he needs so much help to simply exist but hes around despite it!! And the people around him dedicate so much time and effort to him, they take care of him and tend to him and that means the WORLD to me. That there are people out there who care and love people like me, even at my most tired, even when i can’t do what i want to do. They are there regardless and they want me to live a happy life and will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. I’m very thankful to mithrun for showing that disabled people live and that people do love us, that there is hope.
#dunmeshi mithrun#mithrun#mithrun my beloved#delicious in dungeon manga#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi manga#chronically fatigued#chronic fatigue#actually disabled#dungeon meshi spoilers#plus he has such a bad sense of direction which actually makes me so happy because i DO TOO and the people around bi#don’t make him feel awful about it they just redirect him and everything is okay : )#he makes me so happy
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Why is Jimmy kinda.. just a little bit...
#if you ignore everything bad about him hes kind of hot#mouthwashing#mouthwashing x reader#jimmy mouthwashing#aside from all of the awful things hes done i think jimmy is a really well written antagonist#and if Jimmy just.. wasnt jimmy#i feel as though hed be a lot more thirsted over#hes kinda fine and im so ashamed to admit that
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So I think my perception of Grian's reasoning for enabling the horrible Jimmy ecosystem and also my perception of his character as a whole has been turned on its head completely and I feel really bad for him after watching Kingdom of Valor and it's like bad roleplay but it's. it's done things to me and I've never ever felt this much for Grian not even in my sadboy Grian Desert Duo phase. I don't know what to do about this
SA word under cut
Episodes 6 and 10 (like the entirety of it) for context. :( . :(. But like major warning if you watch those episodes, especially 10, because um they didn't use any disclaimers
#what the fuckkkkkkkkkk man what the fuckkkk hello#dont talk to me#Grian will never be the same to me again. Like everything makes too much sense now esp with Jimmy but at what cost#dont want Grian to kill himself anymore but at what cost...#like obviously its a completely seperate and abandoned thing but it makes so much fucking sense#from the perspective that Grian prioritizing his wellbeing over anyone else's is why he enforces the ecosystem#just so no one else including potentially him can take his place. Not so much putting Jimmy down as it is him protecting himself#he is still very awful but. I feel bad for him he might be a little bit of a son now I fear#Grian repeatedly saying he'd kill himself and shit. what the fuck#cw sa#cw suicide#tw suicide#tw sa mention#tw rape mention#and they made the conscious decision to put a new skin on him of him being bloodied and his clothes ripped and in um specific ways#and I could so easily see Jimmy in that same situation like that is just alternate universe Jimmy right there#and the two guys with him. his FRIENDS. who he cares about. are just joking about it nonstop and hitting him. help him. Help him#and they have this whole diary about a previous victim who's named Jimmi like hello. what a wild fucking coincidence#most unintentional abhorrent foreshadowing ever just to torture me specifically even though I've seen kingdom of valor only now#kingdom of valor#ok bye dont talk to me#tubby art
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i’ve never been as angry on behalf of a character as i am for sam winchester
#currently thinking about season four and five. absolutely fuckibg mental#the world literally reshapes itself around him to prove him wrong#its all framed as God. Sam was so stupid and selfish and reckless for drinking demon blood. He just liked the power of it and he chose a#DEMON over DEAN.#but. that’s not the story they tell in s4.#like even aside from every single other complexity. Sam is literally right. he has ZERO WAY of knowing that killing lilith is the final seal#AND DEAN DOESNT KNOW TJAT EITHER. like sam is literally right he can kill lilith and he does kill lilith. dean wants lilith dead just as#much. sam’s cardinal sin is disobeying dean and then the world flips around on him and plot twist sam and dean were both wrong all along and#killing lilith is what will bring back lucifer :)#but. it’s not framed like that either. it’s framed like SAM BROUGHT BACK LUCIFER BY KILLING LILITH WHILE HIGH ON DEMON BLOOD#dean you wanted to kill lilith too?????????#but. doesn’t matter dean despite being mostly motivated by jealous anger is retroactively proven to be Right#and sam is retroactively proven to be Wrong. he is bad#i just. jesus. sam’s not evil ever. he’s hardly even that fucking morally grey#and he still thinks there’s something wrong with him that he’s a freak that he’s inherently evil and needs to be purified#why?? cause of something fucked up that happened to him when he was a baby#and because he’s disobeyed his father and his brother and been angry at awful things that have happened to him#makes me feel fucking insane actually#no wonder narrative frames sam as evil no wonder he’s inherently marked as Bad by the forces in supernatural like even on a meta level#in supernatural gods just another shitty father. embodiment of the familial patriarch. and from sam’s very first moment on the show he’s in#opposition to that he’s ran away from john and he argues with dean. therefore he is evil#i don’t think my words r really making sense right now but. fucking hell#and sam is so swamped in guilt all of season five and he just fucking accepts that everything bad is his fault#and he gets tortured in the cage to save the fucking world and it’s STILL not enough. not to appease his own guilt and not to appease deans#anger at him. dean is still throwing his perceived violations back at him in like season nine!!#and whenever he tries to get out it’s treated as yet another Sin. narrative acts like sam thinking dean was dead and having a life outside#of hunting is The Worst Thing He Ever Did#worst sin sam ever commits in the eyes of the show is disobedience. Absolutely awful actually#spn#sam winchester
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#rough day#my dad is having a terrible time and I can't really help much without someone to help ME#so that's scary and sad#and the Christmas thing im making for my bf looks beautiful but i made a really really bad mistake#that means it is incredibly delicate to the point it will ultimately not be able to withstand things like dusting or being stored#so it has to go in a bell jar or something similar#and i will redo it completely after that#and i feel bad for making a mistake i was warned about because i badly misjudged what other artists meant by 'light layers'#i should have tried a more thorough test run but i thought there probably wasn't time and i turned out to be super right about that#i know the longevity thing doesn't matter much as long as i have it ready for my boyfriend#and everything else can get sorted later#but i am doing absolutely beautiful work on something i know won't survive and the context of the piece makes that unutterably sad#and the situation with my dad is awful and upsetting and i don't know what to do#i'm not a very good grownup i really am not and so much of what is being asked of me is crap i cannot do#or what is going to be asked of me#my boyfriend is here for me but doesn't know any more than i do and i feel very alone#anyway the thing im making may be fragile but it's still so beautiful and i think you'll love it when i share it
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hi evie !! how have you been ? :33 i hope you dont mind me borrowing you and moze for something ehehe <3
#🐦⬛🐕 .#彡 nick!#彡 inbox.#evie.ss#omg good morning nick! my stomach literally twisted and flipped seeing this /pos /POS /the most positive gut wrenching feeling in existence#NICK AND THE REASON WAS ? WHY DO U NOT HAVE A KOFI LINK WHERE IS IT …. THIS ISNT OK I NEED TO FIND IT???? U CANNOT BE … BE …. BE UM … YOU K#I NEED TO 😭😭😭 I NEED ….. IS IT OBVIOUSLY IM CRYING WRITING THINSSJSJSN /pos /ULTRA POS THIS IS SO CUTE UR ART IS SOOOO AWESME IM SO IN AWE😭#typos: obvious* <- & barrier* -> amazing work evie#i broke the sound banner with the screech i made seeing this …. YOU … YOU DREW ME … THE EXACT WAY ….. I .. ITS SO SPOT ON I ????? I … IM#FLABBERGASTED . SHELL SHOCKED . GOBSMACKED IM SO OBSESSED WITH HOW U DID MY HAIR …. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I DO MY HAID … AND THE CURLS ARE LI#LIKE THAT… IM SO OBSESSED WITH UR STYLE JSJSJJD HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID IT???? UR STYLE IS MMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! 1000/1000!!!!!! in specif#the colors … the colors are gorgeous and sooo nice to gaze at … the little wings … HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIKE- IM SO . (hugs knees and cries#YOU DREW THAT DRESS AWESOME-LY …. IM GENUINELY LOSING MY MIND AND I HAVENG EVEN .. looked at *him* ….. nick …. im complimenting it and i#can’t even see rn HEJSJCKCNITS BLURRY 😭😭 my head hurts so bad from sobbing but ive never been happier /pos IM SO ???? I LOVE HOW U DREW ME#i went to go triple check for the kofilink and found myself browsing through puppetgear tag once again u^u JENDNDKXJ oh my god . PLEASEEEEE#ok…. moze … he’s … so tiny .. he’s so cute … he looks so grumpy :’) /pos AND YOU .. u captured his squishable look omg….. he’s so teeny he’#literally as big as a fingernail on my phone im :’) HES POCKET SIZED I CANT BELIEVE U DID THIS /pos /ETERNALLY GRATEFUL#WHY 😭😭😭😭😭 YOURE SO KIND IM SO . IM SITTING ON THE FLOOR OF MY ROOM SNIFFLING AND HICCUPING AHENDNJXKC AND STARING AT THIS OF COUESE#i just saw the ask 😭 i definitely don’t mind im literally on my hands and knees to thank you and it’s still not enough JSNSNDNMC i have to#dig a dent in the hole and bow inside the hole …… it’s not enough … i genuinely love every square inch of this JSNDNXN i just adore … how u#did me … how u did moze (so— everything) even the circle in the background is a color that i adore 😞😞 sniffle …..#what a treat to see moze in ur style 😭😭 what a HUGE . Nice . AMAZING. TREAT . he looks so good in ur style UGH I WANNA FLOAT AWAY#the physical reaction i had in my stomach & head is unmatched /pos …. it’s vaguely similar to when u get called on in class while nervous .#and ur stomach flips .. but in a positive / EVSTATIC / insanely happy way … thank you so much omfg (link?) (please?) you are so kind ….#i don’t even know how to convey my gratefulness so im resorting to crying-staring-crying-staring-crying#(cries)#oh i never answered ur question haha :’) yea im great! :’) and you? :’)#im gonna put this in queue >/////< URK IM SO …. THANK U NICK ))))))):::: (link perhap?)#edit: OHHHH I SEE HOW U DID MY HAIR COLOR!!!!! that is so cool hello? it’s black- but not? and it fits so perfectly!!!! THAT IS SOO COOL WJ#NO WONDER I WAS ADMIRING THE COLORS EARLIER THIS IS SUCH A COOL THING (nonartist tries to explain how neat something is) NSNDNXKK
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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.
#not dislike. its hate#it made me cry several times today#thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers#and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING#its so painful to think of it#today I broke down in the bus and cried#idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside#maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams#the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days#this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste#*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS#the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously#this breaks my heart#dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons#AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔
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i wish i could get a break from my own emotions, i either feel nothing or everything constantly and so intensely, its so exhausting, i just want a pause, a break, a breather, a vacation from myself, something that lets me live and not be aggravating or aggravated for once
#ganondoodles talks#personal#at this point i almosst want to have a breakdown#if i knew id feel normal afterwards ..#its been over a month of this now- constantly on the edge of a breakdown- the worst i can be#aside from those awful short circuits where i explode for 10 minutes and then feel fine again and rly weird about what i just did#i want a break from this#wasting time doing nothing but feeling things that dont matter and make everything worse#just stop ...............................#im losing even the few connections i made online and cant get myself to start new ones#despite there being people that seem to try and reach out#i am horrible at reaching back#and keeping it alive#if i could at least get rid of the guilt#the guilt from every decision i make or not make#everything always ends into guilt#and it just keeps piling up#even posting these things! guilty feeeling bad over and over
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i dont want to be a debbie downer but i finally checked out the trailers for the new pack since im thinking about trying out some new gameplay and... am i losing my mind or do parts of the city look like recycled san myshuno ?? :(
#tbh when i watch the trailers now i cant believe how bad i think the style is#it hurts my eyes#i honestly think the game looks awful and so outdated atp#and one reason i stopped having fun was that it started feeling like a huge obstacle to hate the look of everything in the environment#not smth i could tweak but smth that needed to be completely overhauled through cc and editing :/#does that make sense to anyone else#& lukewarm take but there's just no charm left in the franchise & it's disappointing to see :(#lush.talk
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today is a day you just gotta sleep through... Ughhhhh
#i feel like absolute garbage for no reason#i did the freaking you feel like shit website and everything andi. just feel bad still and it sucks ass and i#don't have the energy to draw either rn maybe later i do have ideas#and my brain is just constantly going and going about food im not hungry i dont wanna do#the emotional regulation through food i want to eat like a normal human being pleaseee ToT#awful no good bad day i feel like a wet puddle on the floor
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okay i need feedback from the autism mentall illness website um. this is going to read like an AITA post. brother vs half-sister (who are currently my dependents do to their own individual disabilities + ptsd/depression) spat i will skim the details on but i'm worried my sister will discount my take since i'm not autistic myself so. am i crazy to call it ableist to look at an autistic person (23) who is clearly going through it dealing w long term depression, a world that doesn't give a shit abt him, unemployment, very self-isolated and burnt out barely leaving his room because the world is an ableist dumpster fire with zero opportunities for him, and then bring up childhood abuse he's suffered and his diagnosis as reasonable factors on top of this to worry he'll [checks notes] abuse my cat just to hurt me or even worse have a breakdown and kill me and his other sibling in a violent episode, a train of thought i probably wouldn't even be having were he not [checks notes] mad at me for the first time in my life?
like i don't have any other read on this kind of fear-based characterization other than ableism. like those are very real things in his life but she never points out any current violent behavior, of which there are none, only the one (1) instance of him lashing out when he was like 14 and Officially Diagnosed Low Empathy she thinks is a concern and Hateful Looks toward her since he stopped getting along with her, that's it. i tried explaining to her why i, someone who's lived w him his entire life, can vouch for how unlikely he is to do anything like that, especially when it's again not based on anything he's actually currently doing except for isolating in a way that is much more indicative of him potentially being a danger to himself than anyone else, and being cold towards her specifically, and i thought she had let it go, but when i brought it up off-hand in a conversation tangentially related, she continued to defend and justify her Concern about the potential directions his behavior could lead to because [checks notes] other people in similar situations have lashed out and killed their entire families according to. true crime books or videos she's watched on youtube as far as i'm aware. ignoring the fact that her and i have had the same or Worse childhood abuse and have acted similarly isolated in the past, or for her literally just as currently as him, and she's not expressed any worry past or present about either of us doing anything like that, in my opinion obviously because i haven't cut her off due to our differences like he decided to. like am i big sibling biased because this is pissing me off so bad.
#j.txt#autism#ableism#very sorry to hang all my dirty laundry like this but she is absolutely the type of person to not take accusations of ableism seriously#due to being disabled/traumatized herself and i. feel like she thinks just because she's fixated on and consumed so much about like#mental disorders and illness and whatever she thinks she's an expert on it#enough to like. non-gendered equivalent mansplain peoples' own traumas and disorders to them lol which she has done to me as well#my brother actually last i checked felt like his diagnosis wasn't even accurate#but to me knowing our mom was v ableist antivax about her understanding of autism and a very neurotypical definition of it#it makes sense if the criterias or definitions don't feel accurate to him#idk. IDK#um. if this gets no engagement i'll delete it rather quick probably i just#don't wanna talk out of my ass when i'm not even autistic yk#i'm very aware i can be biased about him vs her because i actually grew up w him and he's younger than us but like#i havent heard him use her own diagnosis and childhood trauma and ugly moments in this way to justify his bad faith characterizations of he#so it's very much. just something she's doing. if my brother started doin it too i'd have the same conversation but he hasn't which i think#is u.m Telling <3#like She's the one actually complaining about how he assumes the worst of her in everything she does now and it makes her feel awful#meanwhile she. probably doesn't say any of this to Him but boy has she talked about it with me!#if it's not obvious we are all very mentally ill trapped in a house 2gether trying to save up to move so we can get away from each other lo
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I’ve been feeling some kinda way so now that I’m home and ready to write lemme just say.
no one really prepares you for how grieving a friendship or relationship feels and whilst I know how easy it is to fall into hurt and anger I’m just slowly realizing that as hard as making that decision for yourself is it’s not a bad thing and eventually you will be able to look back on the things that happened before everything took those turns and go there were good times and like reminisce in a way that isn’t inherently painful.
#I’ve been in a much better place and I’m far happier than I was#but catching up with my ex to get my stuff back and just chatting made me go#huh despite everything that happened that was shitty between us#you’re still a funny person and the three years we had whilst not always being good weren’t all awful#I’m glad you’re doing better for yourself now#which made me realize even what I’m in now will pass#and I will be able to look back on it one day and go yeah that wasn’t all bad#ooc.#sorry I’m in my feelings but the last two months have been hard#and I’m so happy to be writing with new people and finding joy in this hobby again#I’m not saying this applies to everyone and every end#but it’s good to know it’s not always gonna be pain
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hi fam !!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#mikey welsh#ahhh omg :( i just fumbled so bad socially#and i just need to like. never speak again i feel.#and i’m trying to comfort myself because like. my friend started talking badly about me#and said i only use her to vent which makes me sad because i didn’t think that was true and i try to do sm for her#i made physics study guides for her ; compliment her when she posts ; and post her on my story a lot and always wave to her and talk to her#and i dunno. it makes me sad to think that but i can’t help it; you know? i just need to be alone sometimes and not speak to anyone#and it isn’t like i don’t wanna be her friend ; of course i do but like. it just hurts my heart she doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore#and it hurts my heart so bad and i dunno what im meant to do. and yesterday i had a party#and i said a bad joke in front of the wrong people and i just. accidentally embarrassed one of my good friends and i feel so bad#and everyone js went quiet and it’s just. i feel awful and need to be like. beheaded.#and i try to comfort myself like oh it’s okay. today is a new day. but today i feel even worse about it and there’s nothing i can do#to fix this; like on one hand THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MY BLUNDER!!! but on the other hand; there’s nothing i can do and i have left#my imprint in their minds and it’s so bad. i wish i was like. dead or something; yk? like not even weezer can make me feel better and it#sucks so badly . i wish i could just not think anymore and ignore everything in my life. i just hate myself so badly right now ; and i can’t#even be sure that i’m gonna be better cuz i just lack so much social awareness. i wish#i was more socially aware . i just hate when i get too comfortable. i wish i awkwardly sat in the corner and#didn’t speak to anybody the entire night to spare myself from any awkwardness. i hate parties!! i shouldn’t have gone :(#SORRY FOR THR BENT POST I JS NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND LIKE. GET KT OHT YK?#it’s just so. ahhh i hate everything sm rn :( but liek me and the friend joke like that all the time and idk. im just. :( i feel terrible#and i’ve apologized and he said it was okay but embarrassing cuz some ppl looked at him for his reaction#and i dunno. i just feel awful and need to just. focus solely on academics until my brain is fried and i can’t function or something !
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