#i fear idk when to quit
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so is less more or is more more
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so abt the end of that 2.7 sunday questline
the concept of luck/chance in particular being referenced like 2 or 3 times, later concluding with a line from wonweek (who i view as sunday's id) about how he's "possessed by that ipc gambler". like that is CRAZY to me. he's really trying to embody these qualities about aven that he admires/values. sunday doesn't even deny it. he just goes on to talk about how failure is the best teacher, that you have to understand what people live/die for to save more lives. that the best way to achieve this is through "personal experience". aka living. it may be a reach but i really feel like the implication here is that he doesn't understand aventurine (because aven has had a life full of experiences the likes of which sunday probably can't even conceive of, duty-bound to penacony as he has been), but that he wants to. like badly. the reason he failed ('lost' to aventurine [and also everyone else LOL]) is his lack of experience with... life, other people, the whole thing.
there's also that interesting line about "if what i once doubted - or even opposed - becomes the force i must rely on in the future... then this time, my true heart will guide the tuning" he then tells wonweek that he will "leave it (the choice) to him". he's going to literally let his heart/instincts guide him. at this point wonweek asks if he's been possessed by aventurine lmao. like. they (wonweek/sunday) view aventurine as someone who follows their heart. meanwhile sunday following HIS heart is fucking emulating aventurine. HELLO. hoyo cooked so insanely with them the whole kitchen burned down
#rambling like an insane person#idk if ill ever be over how sunturine coded this updated was LOL#sunday is obsessed im so serious#based on his voiceline i'd say aventurine is intrigued too but like not quite on the same level#sunday's life was just fundamentally altered meanwhile for aven all of penacony was just another tuesday lma#jk i think probably aven has never come so close to being outplayed? considering the nihility sitch and his cornerstone and all that#anyway when the ship has a catastrophic and lasting impact on each other (heart eyes)#sunturine#avenday#hsr#honkai star rail#.txt#aven after meeting sunday: lowkey goes on a suicide mission and meets (a) god to avoid the permanence of the past#sunday after meeting aven: literally ascends to godhood to avoid confronting his fear of the future (and being a boyfailure)#begging hoyo not to fridge this story-line bc they NEED to meet again
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biggest downside of not having many experiences or meeting many people is not having anything to feed into the art machine
#i think this is what i really mean when i say i dont have the artist's mind#i like drawing and am learning to enjoy how i draw#but beneath the lines i dont really know how to make anything meaningful#i wish i could experience the brain of another artist for this reason like#i didnt do much as a kid didnt watch or play many things didnt meet many people i read quite#a bit but nothing really stuck never learned much in school bc id always just draw#is this why i have nothing even now at 26 living almost the same life?#i cant cobble together a story or background for my characters i cant make stuff that Means anything#i always talk also about how i fear finding a partner bc my stuff is just 99% self indulgent sanity keeping work#idk what id make without the lonely#i dont even know what to make With the lonely but its all thats here#<- this part is only barely related but theres a connection there ykwim#talkys#ive never felt anything good or bad in either direction...not much to draw from ...#i know i dont NEED my ocs to have roles in a novel but it just gets embarrassing at some point#ppl take interest in talon and i cant put together anything interesting there's nothing in my brain#i cant connect threads i cant think outside of the box#alas! alas#i think its just always going to be one of those immutable things 😞 too late to rewire rhe brain#especially since the monotony and captivity is ongoing.#goodnite ^_^
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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headcanon that as sophie ages, she gets more and more off-put by how she still looks twenty at some age past 40. the only wrinkles she has are smile lines and a barely-there crease between her eyebrows that never leaves. no gray hairs. it doesn’t feel like there’s any physical evidence of how much stress aged her too fast.
(maybe she dyes more grays into her hair to feel better about her reflection, the more time passes by. maybe, on bad days, she contours wrinkles into her skin with makeup. maybe the bad days get more frequent as she ages outside the human lifespan. maybe.)
#i feel like fitz and dex are the only friends of hers that really get it#since fitz understands more surrounding human cultures than most elves thanks to his firsthand experience in the search#and dex grew up with his mom’s romcoms#which would probably show some human perspectives on aging#and his mom explaining some things that didn’t quite make sense to Smol Dex#but i’ve always imagined sophie turning up on fitz’s doorstep in the middle of the night#with tears running down her face and saying she didn’t know who else to talk to about almost-immortality feeling so so so wrong as she#gets older. not necessarily just because he knows more about humanity than most of her group#but also because like. there’s some part of her that says ‘if he can help you through learning to be an elf at 12 maybe he can help you at#42 too’. and they’re cognates. and they’ve gotten old enough to set aside teenage grievances with one another#and i like the idea of them sitting on a couch together by lamplight and trying to navigate the cultural and personal differences#in how the two of them and humanity and the lost cities view mortality#and not really reaching a concrete conclusion. but rather. a conclusion that keeps the two of them sane until they reach triple digits.#and then they have the conversation again. and come up with a plan to stay sane in their triple digits. and the same thing pops up in their#thousands. idk man the whole thing screams trust down to the bone and that’s what they should have when the war is over#is there anything more Cognate than talking through wildly different fears surrounding the same thing that make both parties#super vulnerable??? down to how your minds work in the face - or lack of - death?#maybe so but i can’t think of them off top of my head#kotlc#sophie foster#kotlc headcanons#keeper of the lost cities
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Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?
i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!
#snap chats#WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something#and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die#which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore#because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot#so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books#but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally#on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes#thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted#and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP#wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform#and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED#it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw#ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then#BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK
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Hiiii! First of all I wanted to say you are a AMAZING writer and I mean amazing! Second of all I wanted to know when are we getting the next chapter of unscripted desire, ABSOLUTELY no rush I’m just going crazy over here thinking what’s going to happen on reader and Javier date..😃
GRACIAS OMG YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP FR!! bestie i really dont know... bc one second im ready to write an entire 12k word chapter overnight and the next i struggle to put two words together
i will give you guys this though.... javi backstory + him fucking reader with her vibrator 🙂↕️
#📞 next caller!#potential javi pov but im not sure bc part of me wants to write that convo he and steve had when reader quit#but like how tf do i do that#also his thoughts during those two months they were apart#too many ideas idk what to do with#and i have other works i dont wanna neglect like im a MOTHER i have to care for all my kids equally i fear#kat stop using the tags to word vomit (no)#unscripted desire
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thank you for the tag @fxreflyes this is so cute, except the format is trying to hinder my propensity to ramble, so i’ve rectified this in the tags lmao
i’m over 5'5 / i wear glasses or contacts / i have blonde hair / i often wear sweatshirts / i prefer loose clothing over tight clothes / i have one or two piercings / i have at least one tattoo / i have blue eyes / i have dyed or highlighted my hair / i have or have had braces / i have freckles / i paint my nails / i typically wear makeup / i don’t often smile / resting bitch face / i play sports / i play an instrument / i know more than one language / i can cook or bake / i like writing / i like to read / i can multitask / i’ve never dated anyone / i have a best friend i’ve known for over five years / i am an only child
no pressure tags for @static-radio-ao3 @inevitablestars @itsjaywalkers @carniferous @orbitfalls @transsexualpriest @futurequibblerjournalist <333
#i'm like 5'7 i think. fun fact i used to wear glasses when i was like 11 bc all my friends were getting glasses and i wanted some too so i#lied to my optician. lol good times. don't actually need glasses tho soooo.#this is me coming out as a natural blonde guys….. like my hair hasn’t been blonde in a good year or so and it hasn’t been my natural blonde#in like three/four years but still in my heart of hearts i identify as a blonde. like i get confused when people don't count me as one#i have my ears and nose pierced and i would love a tattoo but unfortunately i have both a fear of needles and commitment issues so.#not sure if that’ll ever happen… would be very hot and sexy tho. also i'm one of those freaks with green eyes lol it's appaza quite rare#my hair is currently like dark dark brown… have been getting the itch to dye it again tho like a kinda reddish colour idk yet we’ll see#i had braces for AAGES. i have freckles in the summer and i paint my nails whenever i remember to. rn they’re a very chipped lilac colour#i think i have a resting bitch face but i can never tell tbf like it might be more of a resting 'dead to the world' face lmao#okay technically i don’t play an instrument anymore! but in the past i’ve dabbled with the cello the oboe and the xylophone. singing too#spanish and italian baybee although ig if this means like fluently then that’s not me but this is literally my degree it’s my whole brand#yes i like to read but also the only things ive read in like the last few months have been either books in spanish/italian for my degree#literary criticism for said span/ital books and… fanfic. so. also i like writing but it's my worst enemy rn the thoughts aren't working :(#i have many best friends that i’ve known for years!!!! in fact i've known some of my friends for like my entire life it's very cute#okay sorry for rambling i can never help myself and i also literally could go on icl like there was Some restraint applied here#kara lore#bc there's quite a lot of it in this one lol#tag games
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#obvious thing to say but.#there’s some connection between being plugged into the news 24/7 and being depressed#and I don’t think it’s just that the news is depressing though that doesn’t help#it’s also that depressed people seek it out as a space to live in#or—not the news exactly. not the word I want#political discourse? online arguing?#and yet also I know that my own demands for peace (selfish) are not quite the answer to it#idk. I am very tired of political discourse and the well-worn grooves of its channels#but I would like to know how I personally would like to engage with if#*it. tumblr pls#and I don’t particularly know yet.#I am tired of how it sort of DOES just force you into a slot???? doesn’t matter what anyone says about nuance or a different perspective#when there are ‘two sides’ people be picking a side!#which I guess makes sense. but I also kind of hate it#fills me with fear and loathing#anyways. just rambling
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been having wisdom tooth pain since saturday thats only getting worse and u kno what i understand him now i dont condone his actions but man,,,,i get it 💀
#priscus#he severely abused ponti bc he had hundreds of teeth growing in wrong in at least 15-20 parts of his body so its not Actually his fault uw#this is a fukkin joke btw in case some fuck takes to my ask box lmfao#GODDDD IT HIURTS#my appointment just to get referred to get them removed is in a week bruh idk if i can last that long genuinely#this aint even bad timing at this point this is straight up malicious this body wants me dead i tell u dead#its starting to fuck up literally half of my teeth like what is the long term damage going to be maNNNN#dont even get me started on the wisdom tooth removal surgery in and of itself like#my whole life i fear this bc i would quite literally rather die than be a blithering swollen faced idiot spouting god only knows what to my#loved ones fuck fuck ufuukckccc#remember kids this is what they mean when they say procrastination will ruin ur life take it from me a pro procrastinator
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Part of me, deep deep down, wonders if we still may have a scene of MK on his knees versus his friends a la 4x07
#like maybe we WON'T. and that's totally fine#I did get ''You were locked in a corner- told to get on your knees and accept your fate! And you didn't!#You came back and chose to stand to meet your end! Together.'' Like at the very least *kisses kneeling/standing motif*#And it's like ''your friends will turn on you- seeing you for the monster you will become!'' like where did that fear come from. Wukong#Wukong & Macaque#And what are we MAYBE getting answers to next season. Wukong V Macaque#I just. *gestures* the chaos shit is so weird. the staff corruption is so weird#''When the chaos makes them who they are'' SO WEIRD#So like. Rn I feel like MK finally gets hey. You really don't have to do it alone! And it's okay it all leads to pain! Good job bestie#Like the option is it all leads to pain or there's nothing. Cool cool#But I do feel like. He needs to be okay with his role specifically? You know? Like the ''it's always my fault!'' aspect of it#''It definitely shouldn't be left up to me'' like. Well. It kinda was#This was YOUR choice#Idk man like. This is just gonna have consequences#like ''I saw my children couldn't survive the chaos'' We have lost the safety net of the cycle#We have lost the 10 kings. We've lost heaven (ish).#MK you quite literally chose your sentimentality for mortal pleasures over a lot. Over guaranteed survival#God part of me is like. U were so willing to kill yourself so you could finally make up for being you I know it#I fucking know it MK#Ur so rayla core#my god#U were like "I can finally make the world better than I found it by fucking killing myself'' like dude. dude no#this is such a weird amalgamation of getting better/worse MK like I love you#character of all time#And earlier in the season being like ''You're a beast. A monster'' and then calling nine a monster like. MK. whatever#was part of LBD's plan literally destroying chaos with the fire (''And everything beyond even that!'') like idk I'm losing it#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk rant#lmk spoilers
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#is it normal that everyone feels sad and lonely most of the time#i cant imagine it being anything else#even when im surrounded by people or at events i feel disconnected#and is everyone just faking it or do they really love making plans going out#idk why im so nonfunctional it feels like whether or not i start feeling bad when i go out is 50/50#and i tried to join as many things as possible in my earlier years of college but i think it only succeeded in distracting me#and making me tired and sleep deprived and i felt like i was too shallowly involved in each thing bc i was spread too thin#but now ive quit almost everything and im just sad. i get jealous when people have plans and when they have friends. when they just go out#its just so tiring and all i ever want to do is lay in bed. but if i stay in bed i feel sad and guilty about missing out and wasting my life#everything stresses me out so easily. i cant play games bc i get anxious. ordering drinks in front of others makes me anxious. anything new#and i fear my anxiety gotten worse this year for just zero reason#im so tired im never getting better. next year my bf is travelling for over a month and im stuck in classes and busy and job hunting#and about to graduate#and i just know im going to be so lonely and so stressed and so depressed#it just kind of feels like i’ve tried so hard for years to be happier and cope with things healthier but i haven’t gotten anywhere.#perhaps im even worse now because i don’t even draw or consume any media anymore. i just barely work (and struggle the whole time) and sleep#my rambles
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hi I am still not normal about how we never get much of an epilogue for Emily and Corvo in the second game we are told how the rule turned out and that Emily is the beloved empress now but nothing beyond that and I get that the entire game is very much built on that I get that the first game we have close relationship with Emily and become fond of the staff that work with the Loyalists so we feel alone because we do not quite see eye to eye with our allies and all we have left is this little innocent child that sees Corvo as someone who can do no wrong in this world which is strongly contrasted with the second game where Emily (or Corvo) has few trusted allies that they can actually rely on and it feels like a group of almost-friends working to dismantle the conspiracy but at the very end of it all Emily is all alone, even her return to the Tower is so much more grim, her taking down Delilah, the entirety of Dunwall- it all feels so incredibly and thoroughly isolating, she is all Alone now, and maybe that's why it bothers me so much to see the story end so abrupty.
it would've been so, so poetic if both the first and the second game ended with Corvo and Emily embracing
#li.txt#dh#sorry Im not okay about this I just#ahhh idk I cant quite explain it#but playing as Emily feels so much more lonely than corvo in the first game#she talks about saving corvo so much and we dont even get a hug#one thing that keeps coming to mind is silent hill 3 where heather goes through So So Much after her father is murdered#and when the final boss is beat she drops to her knees and breaks down#and I think Emily deserves a similar epilogue#the final release of all the stress and fear and anger#her freeing corvo and suddenly it clicks delilah is gone and her witches are gone and all the sigils drawn over the tower begin to fade#and it all hits her at once and she finally gets to cry it all out#because shes okay and meagan is okay and sokolov is okay and her father is okay and karnaca is okay#except they are not. because they all nearly died so many times and her father was trapped in stone and she had to see so much#she had to fight and survive all while unsure if it will lead to anything#all while she was worried for the people she loves because if she fails it means the few people she still has left will be gone too#she had to watch her mother die a second time and then hear the voice of her vengeful aunt for weeks taunting and mocking#(and she was her only family at the time and they could have been a family too. but that is too much to consider now)#i dunno. i just think she deserved a bit more there. just that one last hug from corvo before the game ends
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#Okay up to ep 8 since I didn't have the chance to watch it last week#Mmmmmmmhhh. Idk. Nothing particularly remarkable#Best part of the episode was chibi Akutagawa at the start#Said it for the last episode already but ugh.#I wish the part of Atsushi going back to being a child because of Teruko would have been explored more.#I wish we had spent more time with them#Mmmmhhh… I really don't like what they did of Kenji this episode.#It would have been a much more empowering message if everyone was agreeable with Kenji because he's unconditionally kind–#and not because everyone fears him. It's such a bummer for something that was introduced in the manga 100 chapters before.#But then again. It's b/sd with its b/sd-like cynical worldviews.#I wasn't particularly mad / surprised when I first read the chapter and I'm not particularly disappointed now.#Just something I'd do differently I guess.#The fight scenes animation took an interesting turn the last episodes of this season?#There's moments of detailed animation where the lineart gets very brush-like and even abstract on points. It's quite nice.#Reminds me a lot of the jj/k animation I wonder if they took inspiration from that#Nothing much to add. I wish we'll see Atsushi / Akutagawa soon 😔💞#random rambles
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i like to think DG is a stoner! he and Damon are weed smoking boyfriends buddies
when you and your frenemy are crammed into a tight space and suddenly there's a lot of physical contact 👀
#tw weed#losing the bc hyperfixation i fear#dn't get me wrong i still rlly love these guys and the game and i'm not like quitting the fandom or interest anytime soon#but it's just not hitting the same idk#i need a snickers i m not me when i have nothing to obsess over jgnfjdsn#my art#my oc#my sona#mc oc#dg#delivery guy#damon#stalker#rasmus#br<3kencolors#br<3ken colors#br0kenc0lors#br0ken c0lors#br0ken color#br0ken colors#broken colors mc#broken colors visual novel game#brokencolors game#broken colors fandom#broken c0lors#broken colors
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Sowwy I don't respond to literally anyone anywhere atm my brain decided it will now be Tired and refuse to form any coherent sentences nor let me do anything for the duration also I got breaking bad soundtrack stuck in my mind the whole day ourj pain. Also thumb/wrist starting to hurt more today when I Do things >:(((
#my last night was also just packed with paranoia once again after a suspicious pause#or like.. idk how to call that paranoia doesnt quite describe it this time. like i wasnt scared at all#but i just kept on thinking there gonna be / just seeing weird shadow people and objects#that dissapeared when i looked at them too long and i just went ''lol. lmao'' which was New but like#can we get more of that and less of my paranoia pleaseeee#like i would actually take actually seeing shit and going ''whatever man'' then falling asleep normal style#than seeing nothing out the ordinary but fearing for my life and be stressed out my shit until im too exhausted#like. please can my brain stop doing that ill appreciate it <33 even if the alternative still refuses to be normal#is that coherent. do you get what im saying. eh whatever
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