#i explicitly said that i do not want your opinion

[bwat5-blog]

Continuing The Cycle

**Spoilers For Arcane**

Let me say to begin with, that nothing in this post is to downplay or brush off Piltover's oppression of Zaun. There will be some who read that and still scream at me, that's okay. I just want to be clear.

Many people on here more insightful and intelligent than I have spoken on this already, but it has been sticking with me lately so I wanted to get my thoughts out.

I have been quite free with dismantling some of the inane attempts at criticism of Arcane in this space. But, I promise I do actually understand everyone is entitled to their opinion. After all, how we connect with and understand art on an individual level is one of the things that make it so special. I have never, and will never come for someone who is simply stating their honest opinion based on the actual content in a respectful manner.

Where my issues come in, have to do with these wide-spread critiques/takes/stances that so directly undermine the meaning of the narrative they are best ignorant and at worst malicious. And more often than not rely on omission of details that negates their stance, or fabrication of details to support them. To that end, what I am discussing today is the black and white thinking that has permeated the fandom, poisoning understanding and appreciation of all corners of that narrative.

LET'S JUST GET IT OUT OF THE WAY:

*Before we get into the Arcane content, we need to discuss where a lot of this is coming from. I am just gonna get this out here right now, and there are some people who are gonna keel over reading it but if you are one of those folks I might as well not waste your time*

Arcane is not the Israeli–Palestinian conflict.

It could not be more clear that this is where a lot of this is coming from. Let me be explicitly clear, this is NOT a deep-dive or analysis of this conflict. This thing is immensely complicated . If you comment here with a "IT IS NOT COMPLICATED ITS" sort of comment I'm sorry to tell you but you are wrong. The modern phase of this has origins as far back as the late nineteenth century and there is more going back even further. I don't care if its a straight fucking line. Something going back that far has more to it than the average nerd like me is qualified to speak on. Now, that being said, I do understand to a degree why this is happening. Not like this conflict has ever really been settled but in the last few years especially things have really been active and generating a degree of media content I don't remember seeing this level of in my short 32 years. So in a world where everyone (myself included) is so plugged in and enveloped by social media, a lot of us are getting a more direct look at this than we really ever have. And we analyze and connect with art through the lens of the world around us to a point. But we CANNOT do so exclusively. Trying to force a narrative into a one-to-one comparison robs it of a tremendous amount of meaning. Because no matter how complex and intricate this story actually can be. IT IS NOT REALITY. I'm not getting into it here, that would be pages and pages of writing and I'm here to talk about Arcane. But I'm going to say this because it applies to real life and the show both and will take us into my actual point today.

The idea that anyone on one side must always be good and justified simply because they are the oppressed, while the other must always be evil, is juvenile, naïve, and fails to grasp even a fraction of the complexity of human nature

Some of you are going to have an absolute seizure reading me say that that statement applies to real life as well. I don't care. It takes time, maturity, and meeting people from all walks of life to understand things are not so simple.

BACK TO ARCANE:

But, that being said time to get back to business. How does this all apply to Arcane?

"The show should have ended with a civil war between Zaun and Piltover!"

"When Zaun arrived during the last battle Jinx should have unloaded on the Enforcers and the Noxians both!"

"They ruined Jinx's character! WTF do you mean she apologized for killing Caitlyn's mother? Her mom was part of the oppressive system that ruined Jinx's life and brought it on herself!"

"Silco did bad things but it was all to gain power to protect Zaun!"

"Poor little rich girl lost her mom and acts like it's a reason to punish an entire city with warcrimes. The people of Zaun have been suffering worse for their entire history"

"Rebel Vi I miss you! How dare they make you care about people in Piltover!"

"The coward show runners made Zaunites into boot-lickers fighting for Piltover wearing Enforcer armor at the end!"

You get the idea. I have seen variations of these and many more time and time again. Zaun should have let Piltover fall or even attacked themselves. Caitlyn deserved everything done to her because she's of the Piltovan elite. Every terrible thing Jinx or Silco did was totally and completely justified because of Piltovan oppression.

Now there are many angles I could come at this from. My usual one is simply addressing the astounding lack of logic in most of these sorts of arguments. For example, I can rope all of the people saying Zaun should have let Piltover fall into one category. People who forgot about this guy:

Like he was just gonna "evolve" Piltover than call it a day and zoot off into space with his new buddies. Obviously not and the idea that he wouldn't immediately take Zaun as well then keep moving is completely laughable. But this sort of thing isn't my issue today. My issue is that those so zealously insisting the the show should have continued on a path of hate, death and destruction are completely missing the point.

I titled this continuing the cycle for a reason. So much of this show, revolves around this concept of the cycle of violence. Those who keep it going, those who suffer from it, and those who break it. And the issue I'm finding is that a tremendous amount of people have seemingly decided that anything people from Zaun do is justified, and anything people from Piltover do is not. When in fact, where they are born is irrelevant in this context. Because each and everyone of them has the choice to further the cycle, or to walk away.

Silco & Vander:

Vander continued the cycle when instead of forgiving Silco for his part (whatever it may have been, we never really get the whole story) in Felicia's death he tried to kill him. And Silco did the same when he took his revenge instead of walking away ending not only the life of the man who wronged him, but causing the deaths of two teenage boys, trying to have Vi killed and causing her imprisonment altering her life forever, and taking Powder as his own after obliterating her second family altering her life and the lives of all those she would hurt through her actions as well.

Caitlyn:

In Caitlyn we see all three. She was an admittedly naïve but well-meaning young woman who was victimized terribly by cycle of violence around all for thinking she could help. We then watch her heart-breaking transformation into being a part of it allowing her hate and pain to warp her into someone dark and vengeful. Then finally we see her laying down the hate for her mothers killer in favor of her love for the woman who means everything to her. Stepping outside of it and turning her back on that violence.

There are of course other examples. Jinx walking away, Ambessa choosing to continue the bloodshed even with her last child begging her to stop. the list goes on. My point in discussing this is that it doesn't matter where they come from. Characters from all over this story play a part both good and bad in the events that occur. And to properly appreciate and understand this tale and what it is saying we MUST recognize that.

Yes Silco was a Zaunite. No Silco was not justified in unleashing Shimmer on his own people. He was a revolutionary once, but he lost his way. In the end he died a violent drug lord who exploited his people for his own gain. He was not a hero.

Yes Jinx is a Zaunite. No, Jinx attacking the council was not a noble strike for her people against oppression. She was a terrified, mentally ill, grieving and angry young woman who lashed out in a moment of awful pain. And in doing guaranteed Piltovan oppression against her people. .

Yes, Heimerdinger was the father of Piltover and his neglect caused terrible problems for everyone. He also gave his life for a Zaunite rebel commander to help get him home. (I understand in the lore he's probably alive but we haven't seen that yet and they have for sure diverged so it isn't a guarantee)

Yes, Caitlyn Kiramman is the daughter of one of the high houses of Piltover, and played a part of the people of Zaun suffering under Ambessa's manipulations and cruelty. She also gave the leader of the Firelights the gemstone she was so determined to return, stood side-by-side with Vi and told the council to their faces they failed Zaun, and put her own body on the line to make things right against Ambessa.

And that isn't to say that any of those characters were all good or all bad. It's to say that they all are capable of both. Just like every character. To slap a Zaun sticker on Silco and a Piltover (or cop as so many of you are fond of) sticker on Caitlyn and give them a pass or not for everything they do based on that is simplistic and ignorant. These characters have so much to them that to reduce them to these easily digestible bite-sized pieces is to deprive yourself of that true weight of this story.

All that said, lets take another look at a few items from that list from earlier:

"The show should have ended with a civil war between Zaun and Piltover!"// At the moment where all of humanity was at stake, people came together and fought side by side to quite literally save the world

"They ruined Jinx's character! WTF do you mean she apologized for killing Caitlyn's mother? Her mom was part of the oppressive system that ruined Jinx's life and brought it on herself!"// In a moment of pain and clarity Jinx found herself speaking to someone she realized she horribly wronged. Someone who had been twisted into something dark and violent by pain and grief, a feeling Jinx knew all too well. So she said the most she could, it isn't a direct apology. But her remorse is clear. "

"When Zaun arrived during the last battle Jinx should have unloaded on the Enforcers and the Noxians both!"// Jinx went from someone hated and feared, who felt like she had nothing to offer anyone, who felt like she had failed or killed everyone who loved her, to riding into battle leading her people and bearing symbols of her loved ones into the war for all mankind. And although I and most agree she's alive, the last act we know she for sure that she took was to save the life of the older sister who loved her so much in her most dire moment. If she did die, Jinx died a hero.

CLOSING WORDS:

Arcane is many things. But it's humanity is its heart. I've said it many times and many ways, but good stories... in this case great stories matter. They stick with us. Because long after the giant battles, the wolf monsters, and shiny blue magic rocks have faded, its the humanity you remember. The sisters fighting desperately to hold on to each-other in a world determined to rip them apart. The lovers from different worlds finding hope in each-others arms. Brothers betraying one another, a daughter having to take her mothers life, the list goes on. But when we rob these characters and this story of all of that, when the flash is gone, what's left?

I haven't done a long one in a bit and I feel like this is a bit rambling so I apologize. To those who take time out of their day to read anything I have to say I appreciate you more than you know. Feel free to share your thoughts! I love discussing this show. And in closing will leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

“It's like the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. I know now folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for"

- JRR Tolkien

[actual-corpse]

Really hate that most of the men who fat shame women are "disgusting" fat people themselves.

You're really out here commenting on the state of my house, when yours is falling down around you?

[fishparasite]

genuinely sorry about all the dndposting recently it hasn't even been interesting but i'm so desperate to dm. i've got storytelling skills!!! i've got improv skills!!! i want to build a story around characters!!! i want to see what players do with what i give them!!!

[ambrosiagourmet]

Did Laios have a plan

... when he made his deal with the Lion? How much of it was intentional and how much of it was out of his control?

Well. If I'm being honest I don't really want to try and provide a definitive answer to that question, because I think the ambiguity is, itself, part of the story. I've gone back and forth a few times myself, and I don't think either category - "fully intentional" or "fully coincidence" - is entirely true.

That being said, I would like to point out a few things that I've seen taken for granted as true. Things that, imo, are much more about the character's perspective, or about what the character WANTS people to think (well, that's really just the Winged Lion).

Consider this not exactly an argument for "Laios masterminded everything from the start and saved the world with his cunning," but more... "Laios considered what he was doing more than people give him credit for." Make sense?

Alright then, let's go:

So to start with, I want to show every time (that I could find, at least) that the question of 'does Laios have a plan' gets brought up. This is specifically after his Ultimate Monster Form is revealed, to be clear - the question isn't about if he has a plan in general, it is if he has/had a plan when he made this specific deal with the Lion.

Here they are:

-

-

You'll notice, in all of these instances, there never really is an answer given to the question. Either because there is no way to get one, or, with Kabru at the end there, because he explicitly doesn't let Laios answer. There's even a bit of an arc here: we start with a sort of desperate 'I've mostly given up but maybe this isn't as bad as it looks,' then get a more optimistic 'maybe we really are saved,' and finally end on 'it all worked out in the end, so we maybe don't need to know.'

But, as much as there is some genuine growth in Kabru's 'accept the outcome, rather than dissecting the truth,' I also think it says a lot more about him than about Laios. Kabru is the one trying to handle his questions and his uncertainty - as he said, he wants to confirm his judgement of character. He wants to feel like he had control over things.

And he lets that go! But he also doesn't actually get the truth, either, and his implied assumption here (that Laios, the wide-eyed monster-lover, probably just followed his desires), still relies on his judgements and assumptions about Laios.

But okay, these bits are all focused on the characters theorizing about Laios. How about we look at the character who actually tells us the facts ("facts"): the Winged Lion.

The Winged Lion has quite a bit to say about Laios and his monster form.

He says that Laios hates humanity, and would rather be a monster

I've talked about this a bit already, but the Lion makes a lot of claims and assumptions about Laios that aren't necessarily true.

First of all, let's just make sure we clearly establish that the Lion is being manipulative here. That may seem obvious, but it's important to understand that there is a difference between 'the truth' and 'a version of the truth specifically framed to prey upon your deepest shame and insecurities about what you really want.'

To point out a few quick-and-dirty contradictions here:

If Laios really hated all other humans, then the Lion wouldn't hinge so many of his other arguments on Laios' love for Falin and his friends.

the Lion claims that Laios "[doesn't] even care enough about the future of [the] world to express an opinion about it," even though Laios has literally expressed opinions on what he wants for the world, to the Lion's face.

In general, the Lion does not make a distinction between urges and choices (see, for instance: him using Marcille's subconscious fear of the canaries as a way to keep her from stopping the monsters from attacking in chapter 86).

I'm not saying there is not a piece of truth here, but also... we are not our darkest thoughts, and we especially are not those thoughts as defined by someone who wants to hurt and control us.

But let’s move on to the stuff the Lion claims about Laios once he has been turned into his monster form.

2. He says that (or rather, acts like) Laios is under his control

The Lion really enjoys grandstanding about how Monster Laios is an ultimate tool he has control over. He gloats about making Laios fight the others, and has him smash through the magical barrier.

But smashing the barrier is kinda the only thing that Monster Laios actually does for the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone. He doesn't hurt his friends, despite Chilchuck thinking that Laios has "turned completely into a monster." And he certainly doesn't simply let the Lion go through with his plan to eat everyone.

This barrier smashing is actually an interesting and odd thing for Laios to have done specifically, so remember that one. I'll come back to it later.

But, yeah, to the original point... despite the Lion's dramatics, all that Monster Laios does is pose, smash up a magic barrier, and then eat him. Not exactly under his control.

AND SPEAKING OF EATING THE DEMON...

3. He frames Laios attacking and eating him as thoughtlessly violent

This one is pretty funny to me, and the Lion keeps it up for the whole scene. I'm not sure how much of this is his genuine understanding of the situation, and how much is him intentionally framing things in the most insulting manner, but like... truly. The ego involved in this. To see someone who has, multiple times, tried to stand against you - someone who has literally wished for your non-existence, to your face - to see this person attack you, specifically, and have your first reaction be 'huh, I guess he's a reckless weirdo to the core???'

Incredible stuff.

And this part, too:

He claims that Laios can't recognize anyone, that he's out of control. And yet, the Lion is the only person that gets eaten here. He is Laios' singular target.

Hell, Laios even specifically attacks one of the bodies that is actively hurting Chilchuck. I don't know if that was entirely intentional on Laios' part, but I do think it's notable.

The Lion torments Laios' friend, and when Laios does something that interrupts that action, the Lion reframes it as unhinged violence. I don't know, there's something here about the way that cruel people only talk about the things people do to resist them as violent, and ignore the violence that causes such resistance in the first place.

In any case, the main point is that the Lion insists on treating Laios like an unthinking animal during this fight, despite the fact that Laios is clearly trying to accomplish something here.

And what exactly is Laios trying to accomplish? Well, the Lion isn't entirely wrong. Laios is trying to eat something. He tells us as much.

And truly, everything Laios does as a monster points to this. He had a goal. And he accomplished it.

Let me back up a moment. I need to explain smashing the barrier.

So, Laios first starts considering how to kill the Lion when he is confronted with the fact that his only other choice would be to kill Marcille. Immediately and entirely discarding that solution, because of course he does, he tries to wrap his head around what defeating the Lion would even look like.

He clearly continues thinking about this, as a nearly identical conversation happens a few chapters later, when Laios is once again told that killing Marcille is the only way forward.

Only, this time, he's started to come up with an idea for how to do this impossible thing.

Harkening all the way back to the Living Armor chapter, Laios draws on the same lesson - if the Lion has made itself part of the world, if it has made itself into something alive, that means he can kill it. And eat it.

But there's an important extra detail to this. If he's going to try and kill (and eat) the Lion, he needs to strike when it’s vulnerable. He needs to strike when it's eating.

This is why he smashes through the barrier. Again, nothing else he does as a monster really benefits the Lion. He doesn't attack anyone else. The only command he obeys is to smash the barrier. Because the Lion has to think he has won for Laios to be able to eat him.

Beat him. For Laios to be able to beat him.

The question of why Monster Laios wanted to eat the Lion is, I think, the most ambiguous part. Was he curious? Hungry? Did he fight for his own life, for his friends, or for all of humanity? Did he know how to win because he had planned everything from the start, or because he was driven by an unquenchable instinct to do whatever it took to survive?

I don't know that it is possible to say for sure. But I do know that the Lion underestimates Laios, through it all. He underestimates Laios as a human, and he underestimates Laios as a monster.

And in the end, after he is bested, even then I don't think the Lion ever gets Laios. I don't think he understands how much Laios means his words about the Lion being burdened by hunger...

or what Laios cares about most...

or what meaning there is in life, for him.

So I don't buy what the Lion is selling about Laios, generally speaking. I don't buy that Laios didn't ever know what he was doing, and I don't buy that he was nothing more than a hungry beast.

Well. I mean. He was a hungry beast. But he was a more than that too. He was the Devourer of All Things Horrible. And he didn't just happen into that title by chance.

[saurongorthaur9]

Potentially unpopular opinion for the ROP fandom:

I really wish people/interviewers would stop pushing the Hot Sauron and Haladriel stuff directly into Charlie's face.

I woke up this morning to drama in the fandom about Charlie (yet again) very politely deflecting Haladriel questions, as if this is some sort of insult to the fandom and shippers. And I know it's not going to stop, but I wish it would.

To make it very explicitly clear, make all the stupid sexy Sauron and Hot Sauron memes and jokes you want within the fandom. Ship Haladriel to your heart's content and create glorious fanfiction and fanart of them making out as they ride into the sunset (or as they simultaneously attempt to kill each other, if that's your vibe). All great. All fantastic. Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of sexy Sauron both inside and outside the ROP fandom, and I am a thorough Haladriel enjoyer at this point.

But I really, really, really wish people would stop pushing it on Charlie himself.

It just makes me so sad and uncomfortable for him. I saw the interview yesterday that I'm pretty sure was what caused everyone to be up in arms where he was being shown Sauron memes and fan posts and a lot of them were very Haladriel/shippy. He is obviously SO uncomfortable with those and the "Hot Sauron" comments. You can see it in the difference between how he answers questions about Sauron's motives or psyche or his research into Tolkien and how his eyes light up and he gets so animated and he just starts gushing vs when he's asked for the millionth time if Sauron has feelings for Galadriel and he gets quiet and reserved and gives a short, diplomatic answer.

And he's been so gracious and polite to the shippers and about all the shipping questions that he keeps getting asked. Each time, he gives basically the same answer: that he doesn't personally see it as romantic but that he's happy people care enough about the characters and story to be passionate about what they see in it. He's not going to suddenly flip a switch and start passionately shipping Haladriel.

I personally like to view it as Sauron (particularly as Halbrand) having some genuine feelings for Galadriel: genuine sense of connection, genuine sense of shared purpose, genuine attraction on both a spiritual and physical level, and yes, even some genuine admiration and love, mixed in with the complex mess of other things Sauron feels, which is why he's a great, complicated villain. The fact that this doesn't 100% line up with everything Charlie has said that he feels about the character is fine with me. I respect Charlie's opinions and the clear thought he's put into portraying that character. But I can also have my own thoughts and perceptions of the character and story apart from that, without needing him to validate them.

I know this isn't the first time an attractive man playing a charming, sexy villain has been inundated by thirsty fans (I remember Loki's Army very clearly) and that some level of it is to be expected. But he's clearly put such thought into portraying Sauron and I'm so grateful to him for that, so I'm sad to see him having uncomfortable questions shoved at him that reduce everything he's done to "what do you think of being Hot Sauron?" and "Do you think Sauron and Galadriel should kiss?" And I'm even sadder to see fans reacting negatively to him simply because he won't validate a particular ship or perspective.

From everything I've heard of fans who have gotten the opportunity to meet him, he's an absolute sweetheart and very kind and appreciative towards his fans. I hope dearly that I can meet him some day and tell him how important it was to me to see Sauron portrayed on screen as such a wonderfully complicated character. But I truly hope that the constant barrage of nagging for him to openly endorse Haladriel and the backlash whenever he gives one of his reserved, diplomatic answers about shipping doesn't sour him to his fanbase. He's given us a gift that I wouldn't have even dared dream of only a few years ago; why can't we focus on that instead of whether or not he's enthusiastically pro-Haladriel or not?

[jozor-johai]

This is just a short note I will expand on elsewhere, but GRRM has this somewhat infamous quote about LOTR, about what to do with the orcs after the story ends. This is about rulership—what happens after the conquest?

Ruling is hard. This was maybe my answer to Tolkien, whom, as much as I admire him, I do quibble with. Lord of the Rings had a very medieval philosophy: that if the king was a good man, the land would prosper. We look at real history and it’s not that simple. Tolkien can say that Aragorn became king and reigned for a hundred years, and he was wise and good. But Tolkien doesn’t ask the question: What was Aragorn’s tax policy? Did he maintain a standing army? What did he do in times of flood and famine? And what about all these orcs? By the end of the war, Sauron is gone but all of the orcs aren’t gone – they’re in the mountains. Did Aragorn pursue a policy of systematic genocide and kill them? Even the little baby orcs, in their little orc cradles?

Part of what I love to death about ASOIAF is that it seems fundamentally more interested in these questions than the excitement of the conquest itself.

I see this quote brought up about the Others every once in a while, but I also think that we might be seeing one iteration of this idea with Dany in Meereen and the children of the slavers:

“The Sons of the Harpy are laughing in their pyramids,” Skahaz said, just this morning. “What good are hostages if you will not take their heads?” In his eyes, she was only a weak woman. Hazzea was enough. What good is peace if it must be purchased with the blood of little children? “These murders are not their doing,” Dany told the Green Grace, feebly. “I am no butcher queen.” (ADWD Dany IV)

There are obvious differences—for a start, humans have the potential to grow up to be anything, rather than the known entity of the inherent evil when it comes to orcs.

In an ASOIAF-relevant context, though, the question is similar: you won, do you eradicate your enemies? Their remaining families? What if it looks like a direct path to peace for those you were fighting for? “What good is peace if it must be purchased with the blood of little children?”

Considering that slavery is some of the clearest evil we’ve seen in the books thus far, I think this is one way GRRM is be bringing his thoughts on fantasy rulership to a more human context in ASOIAF.

The issue of letting the children live (or not) also makes for another very interesting parallel between Dany and Robert Baratheon, who is another key figure in ASOIAF’s exploration for how one rules after the battle has been won. Barristan makes the connection nearly explicitly for the reader, standing up for Ned’s name:

“Your Grace,” said Selmy, “Eddard Stark played a part in your father’s fall, but he bore you no ill will. When the eunuch Varys told us that you were with child, Robert wanted you killed, but Lord Stark spoke against it. Rather than countenance the murder of children, he told Robert to find himself another Hand.” (ADWD Dany II)

Robert was faced with the same choice and, over the course of his reign, has been given two different takes, one to start his reign and one at the end of it. Robert’s peace was bought with the blood of Rhaegar’s children, the young Aegon and Rhaenys, delivered—albeit unsolicited—by the Lannisters, to cement Robert’s legitimacy and their own stake in his rule. At the end of his reign, Robert is faced with the premise of a new Targaryen baby being born and Ned offers an contrary opinion much like Dany’s own (in spirit if not in allegiance):

“Robert, I ask you, what did we rise against Aerys Targaryen for, if not to put an end to the murder of children?”

There’s plenty more to be said, but I just want to point out this angle for interpreting the GRRM LOTR quote. For one, sometimes people take issue with how literally GRRM himself is enacting his criticisms (saying things like, 'we never see Robert's tax policy either')—but this is a great example of how GRRM can raise a criticism that fits for a different series and make it work within his own world by adjusting the circumstances.

Also, I think that for discussions that attempt to predict where the story will go from here based on comments like this from GRRM, it’s important to see where GRRM is already exploring these ideas. In ASOIAF, this sort of application doesn’t require this idea to be explored with some kind of similarly-undying evil like the orcs or like Sauron, GRRM is applying these ideas to much more human evils, like slavery, and much more human applications, like any kind of military victory.

[buckleybltch]

Why Tommy is Different to Buck’s Previous Love Interests

and Why it Doesn’t Make Sense.

This is going to be a long and (primarily) impartial post intended for all audiences, whether you like Tommy or not. However, this is not the blog to be airing grievances on. I’m not here for that. I am going to put some opinions of mine through here, but that’s all they are, and I’m going to try stick with facts with a side of interpretation. And Please, for the love of God, read till the end before commenting.

If you want to think I’m nitpicking then go ahead, but every scene of this show gets analysed to death and back for varying reasons. This will be no different.

The Hospital Scene

For the first time, we see one of Buck’s love interests sitting with the 118 at the hospital while they wait to make sure one of their own is okay. In regard to the group chat that appeared on that scene, form your own opinions. We don’t know if Karen or Maddie is in this group chat either. Opinion: I personally don’t think it’s that unusual to have a work group chat, and I also think Bobby showed Athena his phone. I don’t believe that was meant to reinforce the idea that Tommy is an ‘outsider’- if he was an outsider, he wouldn’t have been at the hospital altogether.

Never before has a LI shown up for the 118 at the hospital with Buck. Ali and Abby turned up at the hospital for Buck because it’s him who was hurt, and Taylor was at the hospital with her camera man for the story (s5 May Day). When Eddie got shot, Taylor showed up at the hospital because she thought it was Buck who got shot. Tommy showing up is a unique situation- they were sat in their civvies as a group in the waiting room, and Tommy is there with Buck for Denny. Tommy was part of the 118 waiting room crew; we’ve never seen this before; Buck’s partner showing up for his team(family) at the hospital.

The closest we’ve had before is Abby showing up to Chimney’s return to work party, but at this point they weren’t actually together, and obviously Chimney was okay by this point, it’s not a hospital scene.

The Firefighter Life

When Ali breaks up with Buck, she says it’s because she can’t handle the firefighter life, waiting for him to get hurt. She says it’s not what she wants. This issue isn’t present with Tommy because he is also a firefighter. He knows what he signed up for with Buck, he’s perfectly and intimately familiar with the risks they take everyday and the risk of getting hurt. While it’s a perfectly reasonable assumption that this might still be an issue to some degree, no one wants to see their boyfriend getting hurt after all, they both understand the life and what it means. Tommy solves the reason Ali broke up with him.

The Bobby Approval

This one is a key one. When the scene first aired, I strongly believed (and still do) that this line was also intended for the audience. We have Bobby’s explicit approval of Tommy as a person and for Buck. He’s good people, he’s good for you.

Bobby and Buck never spoke about Natalia or about Ali. I hold the belief, like many, that Bobby never particularly liked Taylor because of how she tried to exploit Bobby in season 2. However, Bobby did help Buck decide on a Christmas gift for Taylor and vice versa. Yet, he never said on screen that he thought they were good together. Hen and Chimney do also come to Taylor for help (s5) with Jonah, but even in that scene they’re shown to not trust her with what they’re telling her.

Abby is more complex as she was a main character in season 1 and her relationship with Buck was a full-season arc. Bobby helped Buck tie his tie and gave him genuinely good advice before their date. Bobby even talks to Buck about having a serious relationship and how to handle it, about how to treat her with respect. Other characters definitely aired their reservations about Abby in season 2 (Is it the age difference? More like the time difference). I believe Bobby gave his implicit, but not explicitly said, approval of Abby through the way he treated and spoke to Buck about their relationship. Despite this, I do think it’s poignant that for the seven years after Buck and Abby broke up, we never saw Bobby approve or like another one of his relationships until Tommy.

The Future Talk

In 8x06, Josh straight up asks Buck if he can see a future with Tommy. This of course follows up Josh already asking “do you care about him, do you think about him when’s not around”. The discussion between Josh and Buck is unique, because Buck has never spoken to a friend about this before. His relationships with Ali and Natalia weren’t developed or long enough to warrant the discussion, he never talked about the future with Abby, and he said “no” at the prospect of proposing to Taylor. For the first time, Buck is asked on-screen if he sees a future with his romantic partner, and Buck says yes. This is explicitly said for the first time. Yes, he made a confused face when Josh asked if he loved him, because clearly Buck hasn’t given it that much thought until he’s confronted with it. Either way, Buck, for the first time, says he wants a future with his romantic partner.

This further prompts Buck to ask Tommy to move in with him, which, different to his motivation for asking Taylor to move in with him, is fuelled by wanting a future. Buck even brings up marriage in his discussion with Tommy, which he’s also never discussed with a romantic partner on screen before. The content of both discussions is something we haven’t seen Buck talk about or admit before.

Eddie Friendship

All of Buck’s love interests, bar Abby, have screen time with Eddie. However, Ali and Natalia only share screen time with Eddie when they first meet because they meet on a call. As Buck’s girlfriends, they don’t share screen time with Eddie.

Taylor once has dinner with Buck, Eddie, and Christopher, and she compliments Eddie’s cooking. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is the only main time they’re seen together. It’s civil, it’s fine. However, they aren’t friends.

Tommy is a unique situation again; because he’s a guy, it might be easier for Eddie to form a friendship with him. They’re very fast friends, they do Muay Thai together, Tommy works on Eddie’s car, they play basketball together, Tommy went to Eddie’s house 3 times in two weeks and met Christopher. Christopher likes Tommy, he thinks he’s cool, and Eddie invited Tommy to Chris’ virtual birthday party. He’s the first love interest to not only get along with Eddie, but become friends with him outside of Buck (emphasised by 7x04 where Tommy tells Buck that his friendship with Eddie has nothing to do with Buck). The show makes their friendship very clear.

I’ll fully admit that Eddie’s friendship with Tommy was needed for the plot in 7x04, but beyond that, why was it relevant? It already made Buck realise he wanted to be with Tommy. They might’ve needed it for a plot reason but they’re friends afterwards too. Maddie calls Tommy “Eddie’s friend” in 7x05 and they’re laughing together in the hospital and getting alone fine in 8x05. Why?

Fitting Into Buck’s Life

Of course, this all culminates by saying Tommy fits into Buck’s life extremely well.

Tommy doesn’t have to go through the awkward phase of meeting all of Buck’s friends, because the only one he hasn’t met is Eddie. Tommy was previously friends with Bobby, Hen, and Chimney, they already know him. He’s already met Athena. Sure, they might have some catching up to do, but they already have a good history. They’re familiar. Again, Tommy already gets along with Buck’s friends outside of Buck.

Why was Tommy at the hospital for Hen’s son if he wasn’t integrated? Why feel comfortable going to Maddie and Chimney’s wedding? Even Buck makes the point of saying that Tommy is already going to know everybody there; he’s not just his date, he already knows them.

Tommy is friends with Buck’s friends already, Tommy understands the demands of being a firefighter and what it entails with the risks and the commitment. Tommy understands Buck’s friendship with Eddie and Christopher, and his dynamic with Bobby.

Intention (Conclusion)

This is all to say- this is intentional. If the point of the relationship was always to breakup, why have Tommy included in these scenes? Tommy didn’t need to be there at the hospital for Denny, but they wrote it in for him to join the 118 waiting. Bobby didn’t need to give his approval of Tommy on screen. It didn’t further his relationship with Buck nor the plot. It was written this way for a reason, and I think anyone can admit the actual breakup in the scene was abrupt, and it’s all of the above context that makes it even more abrupt.

I know it makes his relationship with Buck more meaningful, sweeter, more heartbreaking for Buck, but we never saw these moments with his ex girlfriends, particularly Taylor, and their relationship was solid until it wasn’t. If this unique treatment of Tommy was meant to put Buck through heartbreak then I offer a second question: what is coming up for Buck that requires him to go through heartbreak?

Why go through the effort of writing Tommy to fit in so well with Buck’s life if he’s only there to further a plot? None of Buck’s other LIs were treated like that, and they achieved the plot they needed to. So why was this different? Buck’s relationship with Taylor was a lot longer, and they lived together, but we never saw these types of scenes with her. Why? Why was this different? What was the point of making the relationship meaningful and different?

Again, this post is not here for people to argue. It should be clear to everyone, regardless of why you think so, that Tommy was treated different by the show than Buck’s other love interests. There must have been a reason, even if that wasn’t clear. Is something big coming up for Buck that he needed to be heartbroken for? Is it poor writing? Is Tommy coming back? There must be some reason that Tommy was treated differently by the writers other than “just because”.

[signanothername]

How do you feel about the fandom?

I’m assuming you mean Ut/utmv?

How can I say this in the most gentle way possible hmm..

I genuinely do love the creativity within the fandom, the beautiful art and stories and ideas people come up with, the different interpretations of these characters even when i don’t agree with them or have my own thoughts/opinions, cause that’s what fandoms are supposed to, it’s all of us showing our love for these lil blorbos of ours in each of our own unique different ways

Of course, each fandom has its good and bad side, but to say the ut/utmv fandom is so damn negative to the point it’s suffocating is an understatement

I’m especially weirded out by the pro harassment behavior within this fandom, like, a mf would say “i’m anti harassment!!!!” Then turn around and post/reblog a post with +20 people name dropped to “raise awareness” for whatever little that is worth, you can “raise awareness” by messaging people privately, not make a list where an asshole can easily use it to harass people, and no, saying shit like “don’t harass these people!!!” Does not alleviate any responsibility from you if they do get harassed because of your post

That’s why messages are a thing, and only messaging those who explicitly state they want to be messaged, not jump in into people’s inboxes or messages and telling them shit out of the blue

So many people within this fandom need to learn fandom etiquette, how to mind their own business, and to use the damn block button, you’re uncomfortable with a certain subject? Tumblr has the most handy filtering system, don’t like a person/find them uncomfortable? Block them, blocking them isn’t enough and want to complain? That is what you can use your blog for, feel free to complain on your own blog to your heart’s content (not on other people’s blogs or under their posts if it’s not the subject for it) that’s what friends are for too, go to their DMs and complain till the end of time

Being just a bit bigger of an artist follower wise in comparison to other artists means that I deal with very special cases sometimes, because I’m also puzzled by the way people can get super comfortable with commanding strangers to do things they want or to break basic respectful boundaries like not getting people involved in drama even when they specifically state not to include them (me, I’m starngers, every time I reblog my boundaries post, it’s me implying that I got something that broke my very basic bitch boundaries that day, which says a lot about the fandom, cause i literally only got 4 boundaries stated damn)

That’s why I opt to not get too close to people within the fandom, and am generally careful as to who I let close to me, I’m very certain people might think I somehow have my own social circle within the fandom or have some wide connections they can never get, when in reality I’m isolated af

That being said, idk if it’s young people not knowing any better, or adults who act like children, but the fact harassment is very prominent and also very normalized within the fandom is something that definitely made me seriously think of just getting back to the Transformers fandom (one of the most chill fandoms i’ve ever been part of)

Fandom is fandom, keep it for rambling about blorbos, and learn to mind your own business <3

[godmadeaterribleerror]

More Than You Could Ever Know - Part 1

Series Masterlist

Author's Note: On god they're about to be so cute. This was going to be one chapter but they can't stop fucking and I can't stop writing. Enjoy!

Title from All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

Word Count: 8.5k

Chapter Summary/Warnings: A No Love Lost Christmas Special! Takes place about five months after the end of No Love Lost, sort of an epilogue to the main story.

The Boys start Secret Santa, Ben pretends to do his job. Usual Warnings, plus smut. Much fluff and smut.

Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, canon divergence, tooth rotting fluff, smut (fingering, oral f receiving, p in v sex), established relationship, Christmas Special

Part 2

Read on A03!

Doing this in Butcher’s apartment was a terrible idea, because the asshole only cleans when it’s his weekend with Ryan, and you’re right on the wrong end of that. Doing it immediately after work was a worse one, because you’re in heels and a too tight bra that you’re not allow to rip off, throw in Ben’s face, giggling when he all but tackles you into bed.

Doing it without Ben here to smile and pout and snark at might be the worst idea you’ve ever had.

And you’ve had a lot of remarkably fucking terrible ideas.

You’re not really paying attention to your friends around you, because you’re staring at your phone. Turning it around between your hands, waiting for Ben’s text to let you know Ryan’s home from school. That he’s not being bullied, and he’s doing his homework, and his powers didn’t cause what the principal had referred to as structural damage to the school’s foundation, and what Ben had correctly said was just a fucking accident. It’s not Ryan’s fault you pussies put the baseball field right next to the goddamn building.

There haven’t been any incidents since then—Ben had taken Ryan to a large, empty field and helped him figure out how to not turn a ball into a genuine weapon—but it’s still a delicate situation. It took a lot to get Ryan into a public school. A lot of promises of Ryan won’t hurt anyone, you fucking pussies, he’s not a damn baby, and bargains of Ben and I will donate, and go to all the fundraisers, but you’re not allowed to explicitly advertise that Ryan’s here, and many, many thinly veiled threats of if you don’t treat our son like a proper fucking human, I’ll let my wife yell at you. And she’ll rip you to fucking pieces.

You wouldn’t have ripped anyone to pieces. Literal pieces. Emotional pieces had been on the table, as had reputational pieces. It was one of the very few advantages of being so highly and strangely regarded as the woman who killed Homelander and the founder of the Soldier Boy Relief Foundation. People respected you and your opinion, which was an interesting choice on their part, but served you well. Ryan had gotten into the school, and he seemed to be liking it, so you hadn’t even been that mad at Ben for threatening the superintendent.

But you also don’t really get mad at Ben. Not ever. You whack his arms and wrinkle your nose and elbow his gut, but he always feels that you don’t mean it, and you never fight him when he tugs you into his arms and kisses you breathless and dizzy. When he mutters promises about fucking you stupid later, and calls you a brat, and chuckles when you grind onto his thigh in the middle of the office, and you miss him so much-

It’s barely been six fucking hours, Sunshine.

You scowl into the air, even as your whole body sings from the feeling of Ben, strong and deep and flaring in your chest. Shut up, you’re supposed to be picking up Ryan-

Already got him. We’re home.

You were supposed to text me, Benjamin-

Why, I’m telling you right fucking now-

Because Singer’s still on our ass. You sigh, tapping your fingers on the back of your phone. And the Ben’o’phone isn’t admissible in a court of law to prove we’re well-suited parents.

Singer can shove it up his fucking dick-

Ben, please- You cut yourself off as your phone buzzes, the screen lighting up with a message.

Benjamin; Stupid fucking handsome asshole husband

Ryans hoem

R u fuckingg happy sunshine

You smile, typing back Yes. Thank you, grumpy.

Shut the fuck up, Ben grumbles in your head, and all his adoration flares in your chest as you smile into the air like an idiot.

I love you, you massive fucking man-child.

I love you too, brat. Why the fuck aren’t you home yet.

You can almost picture his half-pouting scowl, feel the warmth of his body around you and smell pine drifting through the air. Meeting with everyone.

Everyone.

Yep.

Why the fuck is everyone meeting without me-

Because you’re picking up Ryan.

We could’ve made fucking Butcher do that-

Butcher doesn’t have a super awesome wife who’s going to tell him everything when she gets home, my love.

There’s a pause, and then Ben mutters between the low words of your friends talking around you, Be fucking fast.

MM says your name, looking between you and the bowl on the center of the table. “You put Ben in there?”

I always am. You nod to MM as Ben moves back to a quiet, warm hum in your chest, and tuck your phone into your pocket. “Yeah. I’ll give him his name when I get home.”

“And we’re sure Ben knows how Secret Santa works?” Hughie scratches the back of his neck with a sheepish expression, and you sigh.

“No. But I can explain it to him.”

“Old cunt ever even celebrated Christmas?” Butcher mutters, his feet kicked up on the table. “He don’t seem like the spirit of givin’ type.”

You flip Butcher off, your words short and firm. “He’s not a million Butcher, he’s celebrated Christmas before.”

Ben seems to love Christmas. Or at least grumpily acknowledge it with a soft, easy glow over his ribs and a relaxed face, which is the closest thing he gets to loving something that’s not you or Ryan. He’d told you, at the beginning of the month, that it was the only time his father didn’t drink as much. The only time his mother got to love him and not be caught between he and his father’s fights. The only time he got something as a child that he wasn’t expected to feel sorry or wasteful for receiving. 

You wish there was some sort of supe that could communicate with ghosts or raise the dead. You’d mimic their powers, bring Ben’s father back, and then kill him again.

“Alright, Love.” Butcher raises his hands up in mock surrender. “Just makin’ sure.”

“Suck my fucking dick-“

“Can we, um,” Annie gives you an apologetic look as she cuts you off. “Can we draw? Now? Everyone has work tomorrow, and I would like to go home and eat my weight in sushi.”

Hughie nods, grinning down at Annie. “And watch Love Island.”

“Love Island?” MM raises his brows, and Annie blushes.

“It’s fun-“

“Names, cunts.” Butcher leans forward, pulling his paper, and looks around at the rest of the group. “Before time get’s all our sorry fuckin arses. Except yours. Love,” Butcher winks at you. “You’re stuck ‘ere till the sun goes out.”

“Eat me, Butcher.”

“Oi, I’m not above tellin the Gov you said that-“

“Ben would kick your sorry ass if you said that, Butcher.” MM’s voice is flat as he interrupts, leaning over the table to draw his paper. “You might be a supe now, but that motherfucker would beat up a mountain if it insulted her honor.”

You snort as Butcher’s sour expression, and give MM a grateful nod. Everyone here knows you don’t really have honor—at least not in a way that matters—but they also know that Ben doesn’t really care about that. His notion of your honor is subjective. You’re, apparently, above killing and straining labor, so he does that for you, but he also threatens congressmen and rude parents of Ryan’s classmates with his wife. You don’t lie to him, but he’s flat out encouraged you to commit perjury. He’d threatened a journalist who said you spread your legs for any powerful supe, but then shoved your knees apart to bury himself inside you and fuck you until you were a slurring, whiny mess under him.

It seems to mostly be about what you think of the insult. If that mountain called you a slut and you laughed, Ben would just glower, standing tall and ridged at your side. If it said the same thing and you stopped talking—cold spreading through your body and a ringing in your ears—Ben would make the mountain regret being born.

You miss him so fucking much.

Once everyone has a name and you’re sure no one’s pulled their own name, you leave Butcher’s apartment with grins and half-goodbyes. You, Annie, MM, and Hughie will all see each other tomorrow, and Frenchie, Kimiko, and Butcher will do the same.

It’s a short drive home from Butcher’s apartment, but that’s by design. For Ryan. Butcher lives in the city, and you and Ben are in the outskirt suburbs. You’d say Ben’s benefitting more from this arrangement—Butcher lives right above their office, while you have to drive to downtown for yours—but you’re the one who fought for this. The one who convinced Ben that Philadelphia would be a good place to live, because there was enough to not get bored, not enough that you’d never have peace, and it was halfway between New York and Washington. Most of the supe cleanup contracts that Ben, Butcher, Frenchie, and Kimiko got contracted for ended up being in New York—you’ve called Ben a murder maid several times, and he always rolls his eyes, kisses the top of your head, and mutters we don’t fucking murder people, we just get them in line when they’re being damn idiots—while a lot of your work is in DC, dealing with the more technical side of the post-Vought mess.

Ben hadn’t wanted you to call it the Soldier Boy Relief Foundation. He’d scowled at you as you’d told him and MM the idea, and their glares had been almost identical.

“There’s no fucking way you’re calling it that.” Ben had snapped, and MM had shot him a look of surprise.

“I mean, not that I don’t agree,” MM had said, scanning over Ben with a frown. “But why the hell do you think that.”

“Because Soldier Boy’s fucking dead. You,” he’d bumped his shoulder with yours, rough affection spreading over his ribs, even as he continued to glower. “Fucking killed him, Sunshine. Don’t use that name.”

You’d wrinkled your nose at him. “First of all, that’s very romantic, Pretty Boy. I’ve always wanted to metaphorically murder my husband.”

Brat-

“But,” you’d continued, kicking Ben’s shin as he’d started to smirk. “I have reasons to name it that.”

MM had scoffed. “There is not a chance you’ve got reasons to justify using that name-“

“It will draw attention.” You’d raised your fingers as you listed the reasons, using a bored, plain tone. “The whole point of this is to get as many victims of Vought and Homelander as much help as possible. Labelling it with Soldier Boy’s name will put it on people’s radar-“

“So would calling it the Starlight or Anomaly relief Foundation-“

You’d shaken your head, giving MM a flat look. “Annie’s supe name is already tainted in the public eye. Mine is controversial. If people hear the Anomaly Relief Foundation, they’ll form an automatic opinion based on the trials and news stories they’ve read. Soldier Boy will get people to actually look at what we’re doing. Older victims will be more likely to come out of the woodwork, supes that admired Ben growing up will be more willing to see what we’re offering them, and congress is full of old white assholes who will love it.”

MM had frowned, but nodded for you to continue, and you’d raised a second finger.

“Vought’s copyright on Soldier Boy expired last year, but Starlight and the Anomaly won’t be available for public use for another forty. Even if Vought goes down, they could drag us with them on petty litigations and technicalities, and we don’t need that right now. Finally,” you’d raised a third finger. “I think it’s poetic, and funny, and rubbing how we won in Homelander stupid dead face.”

You’d won that argument. And the argument about where to live. And the argument about letting Butcher have alternate weekends with Ryan.

That last one had been the easiest to win. For the name debate you’d had to convince Ben and MM, and for the city debate you’d had to convince the whole team of stubborn assholes you called your friends, but for the last one you’d only had to convince Ben. And you always convince Ben. He puts up a grumbled argument, and you tear down his points with teasing, loving words, and he gives in with a grunt. But you always see his small grin, and feel all his love and care and affection bursting from that piece of him near your heart, and he devours your face and neck and cunt until your knees get weak and you almost fall over.

You might love him more than life.

He’s waiting for you when you get home. You barely open the door before he’s on you, sweeping you into a long, deep kiss and groaning down your throat.

Hi, Benjamin. You mumble between your heads, and his chuckle rolls through your whole body.

“Hi, Sunshine.” He grins at you as he pulls away, hauling you up his chest as you gape at him a little stupidly. It’s not fair how he somehow keeps getting more handsome, how a domestic, peaceful life looks so good on him it might drive you insane. How his shirt under your hands is clean and soft and easy to tug on, to pull him back onto your mouth. How, when you finally get your shoes off, they’re on a mat right next to his, and that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. How his beard is so well-trimmed because there’s nothing to rush for, and the whole house smells like pine because of Ben’s constant presence, and when he carries you up the stairs he doesn’t bother to look where he’s going because he already has the path memorized.

“Wait,” you push up on Ben’s chest, dropping your chin on his shoulder. “Ryan-“

“Hi!” Ryan calls your name from downstairs. “I’m doing homework!”

Don’t know how the fuck he’s my blood. Ben mutters in your head, never breaking his pace. He’s all damn smart and good at homework. “You know the drill, Kid?”

“Dinner in forty, only bother you if it’s an emergency!”

Smug pride inflates in Ben’s chest, and when you lean back he’s already grinning at you with darkened, blown out eyes, his half-hard cock already poking at your thigh.

You wrinkle your nose at him. We are not fucking with Ryan in the house.

We fuck with Ryan in the house all the damn time-

When he’s asleep, or watching TV, or has his headphones on. Not when he can hear it.

Then we’ll have him put headphones on-

You are not asking Ryan to use his headphones so we can have sex. You give Ben’s borderline pout a sweet smile, and lean forward to kiss over his beard. But when he goes to bed, I’ll let you do the thing.

Ben’s hunger grows white-hot and ravenous in your body, and when you meet his eyes, they’re darkened and peeling you apart. You have to squirt.

I can’t control that-

Whatever. Ben kicks open the door to your room, shooting you a wink. You have to let me make you fucking squirt, beautiful. No holding back.

You snort. When have you ever held back during sex.

I managed not to fuck you for six goddamn months. His voice is almost a growl in your head, and it’s not help your resolve to not have sex in the slightest. That’s some goddamn restraint, brat. He drops his mouth to that one spot on your throat, sucking and biting until your fingers curl in his hair. You’re fucking hot.

Thanks. Your voice is breathless, even between your heads, and you give a weak pull of Ben’s hair that only spurs him on. Wait, Ben, I need to talk to you-

That makes his pull away in an instant, his attention vigilant as he scans over your face, your skin suddenly wrapped in his concrete resolve. What the fuck is-

Nothing’s wrong. You take his face between your hands, giving him a soft smile. It’s about the meeting with everyone.

The one that you didn’t fucking invite me to.

The one, you swat at his arm, sticking your tongue out. That I’m trying to tell you about now, you big baby.

Fine. Ben grumbles in your head, watching you expectantly. What.

Have you ever done Secret Santa before?

Once. Vought party in the 80s.

You raise your brows at him. Really? How did that go?

I don’t fucking remember-

Well, it was forty years ago. You hold his face between your hands with a mock pout. Is your memory going, Benjamin? Do Ryan and I have to put you in a home-

Shut the fuck up, brat. Ben moves you flat on your back, kissing a very distracting line along your jaw as your finger curl in his hair.

Ben- You tug him back up—because if he keeps that up, you’ll never get around to telling him anything except more—and the asshole rises up with his hunger covering your bones and muscles, his body big and warm and strong over yours-

“Yes, darling?” Ben drawls, smirking down at you, and you scowl.

“You’re such a fucking cunt-“

“You love it,” he shrugs, still hovering over your body. “Tell me what the fuck the meeting was about to so I,” he pushes his knee between your thighs. “Can focus on this.”

Not with Ryan in the house-

You’ll just have to be quiet. He presses his knee up, bumping right over your clit, and grins at your small whine. Tell me about the meeting.

We’re, fuck- You grind pathetically against him, and Ben drops his weight to down to trap you against the mattress stilling the movements. You dick-

I’ll give you my dick. He kisses you once, long and slow, guiding your arms fully around his neck. Just use your fucking words, beautiful.

It’s a miracle you remember how words work, let alone say any of them, because Ben dives back down to your neck—keeping you pinned down as he works you into a gasping, writhing mess under him—and everything becomes very simply Ben in your mind and body.

“I, um,” he nips at your throat, and you have to swallow a moan. “Kimiko wanted to do something, for the Holidays, and Hughie suggested Secret Santa, so we’re, fuck, Ben, we’re doing that-“

Ben rises back up to frown at you, and you whine at the loss. “Doing what.”

“Secret Santa,” you whisper, taking the moment of his distraction to wrap your legs around his torso. “I put your name in, and, um,” you let go of him for a second, fumbling around in your pocket for Ben’s paper, folded neatly while yours was crumpled. “I grabbed yours.”

Ben wraps an arm around you as he sits up, pulling you to fall over his chest and curl in his lap. “That,” he nods to the paper, still in your hand. “Is who I have to get the gift for.”

You nod with a hum, passing it into his hand. “I didn’t look,” you say, watching him un-wrinkle it. “So don’t-“

“Butcher?” Ben looks up at you with a scowl, a hot, stinging itch spreading over his skin and sitting in his fingers. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with Butcher.”

You sigh. “Tell me. Don’t tell me, Ben.”

“I had to fucking tell you,” he snaps your name, glaring at the paper. “I can’t get a gift for fucking Butcher, all he does is fucking work and pussy around, fucking asshole probably doesn’t even want anything like a normal damn human-“

“There has to be something.” You mumble, tapping your fingers on Ben’s arm. “We’ll figure it out, Ben. I’ll help you. But you can’t tell anyone I did, and you have to pretend you don’t think this is stupid-“

“I don’t think it’s stupid-”

You give him a flat look. “Benjamin-“

“I think Butcher’s a fucking ball strainer.” Ben shrugs, fisting his paper into a ball and tossing it onto the floor. “But I’ve got you, Sunshine, so I’m good.”

You flush, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Ball strainer’s a new one. I like it.”

“Good,” Ben mutters, relaxing under your hands, the glow returning in his chest. “Who the fuck did you get.”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Why the fuck not, I told you mine-“

“Which you weren’t supposed to do.” You give him a flat look, and he rolls his eyes. “It’s Secret Santa. You’ll find out with everyone else.

“What’s the fucking point of being married,” Ben grumbles, pulling you a little further up his chest. “If my wife won’t tell me all her secrets.”

“You already know all my secrets, Benjamin.”

“Not fucking all of them-“

“This isn’t a secret.” You smile at him, and the glow spreads up his spine. “It’s a surprise.”

“Whatever.” He grumbles. “Sounds like a fucking secret.”

You kiss his cheek with a soft hum. “Grumpy-“

Your words die in a yelp as Ben flips you over, crashing his mouth into yours with a fervor, his hands squeezing and kneading at your waist.

“Brat,” he growls, and you have to bite your tongue to hold down a loud plea of his name. “I’m going to fuck you stupid, Sunshine, make you fucking drool and beg.” He bites on your lower lip, his knee pushing back to your core, and you whimper. “But you need to keep quiet.”

You will not be able to keep quiet. You’re grinding desperately against him, your mouth slack and open, and your whole body warm and sensitive and buzzing with Ben. Leaving wet, open kisses down your neck, replacing his knee with a broad hand cupping your pussy, groaning onto your skin as he twitches against your thigh.

“Ben-“

“Do you need some fucking help?” He drawls, crawling back up over you with a smirk. “Can’t keep that smart, pretty mouth closed?”

“Fuck,” you gasp as he pushes your panties to the side, running one finger between your folds. “God, Ben, fuck you-“

“I will.” He winks at you, his whole body still filled with adoration and hunger as his tone becomes stern. “Just ask real fucking nice, and I’ll fuck you all you damn want, Sunshine.”

“Ben, please-“

“Think you can keep it the fuck down?”

You nod frantically as Ben’s thumb moves to your clit, rubbing around it but never on it. A metallic tang sits in your mouth as you chew through your cheek, and Ben must see the tint of red or feel the sting of pain, because he pulls back suddenly, and you can’t stop your moan of protest.

“Not going to let you fucking hurt yourself.” He mutters, raising your legs up as he pulls off your underwear. You can talk here, he balls up the cloth, rising back up over your body. But that’s it. Got it?

You glance at the underwear in his hand, and swallow as you realize what he means, your mouth falling open without a single other thought.

Fucking words-

Got it. You smile up at him, curling a hand in his shirt to tug him down into a deep, easy kiss, pulling his tongue between your teeth. Fuck me.

He rises back up, scanning over your features with an attentive, rough care that pulls you apart and makes your whole body molten. There’s a sharp, sore ache over his skin and in his muscles, his free hand trailing slowly over your thighs, and God, if he doesn’t fuck you right now you might die.

Please, Ben. You grind up into the air, letting all of your love and thirst for him leak out of your body and into his. Please.

You can see the moment it hits him. His eyes flash, his nostrils flare, and if there was anything holding him back from just fucking you it’s gone. He presses his thumb on your lower lip in a silent request for you to open, and when you do he looks almost feral. He groans as he stuffs your panties into your mouth, tracing broad fingers over your cheekbones and squeezing your waist as he draws back.

Going to go slow, he mutters in your head, angling your hips up into the air so your ass is resting on his thighs, your dripping pussy is fully at his mercy. Take my fucking time.

Ben-

He slaps your pussy once, and your moan is muffled as your eyes roll back in your head.

So fucking wet, he says your name in the silence, smirking at you as he repeats the movement and your hips buck into the air. And fucking needy, already whining and I’ve barely damn touched you-

Please, you widen your eyes at him, your fingers curling in the sheets when he drags his thumb up, over your slit, and presses hard on your clit. Fuck, Ben-

What do you want, darling. He presses his thumb down, angling it so he can tease your already fluttering cunt with two forefingers. You want my fingers? He shoves them deep into you, crooking them as they hit that deep, soft spot that makes everything in your body sing.

Fuck-

Or, he kisses a sloppy path down your chest—pausing only to flick his tongue over your nipple and smirk at your high, muffled noise of need—and moves one hand back to your hips, adjusting you further upwards as he buries his face between your legs. My mouth?

His beard brushes and tickles your thighs as he tongue-fucks you, his nose bumping your clit, and God, it’s everything. Ben’s everything. Just the sight of him—in all his stupid, handsome glory, all of it just for you—makes you dizzy. And he’s touching you like you’re holy and grinning against your cunt as you make high, muffled sounds, and you’re so close already and he’s so good-

Ben. You don’t have to the strength to push up on your elbows and fully look at him, and he’s holding you still with big, warms hands that pull and rub at your skin, so all you can do is moan into the mock-gag and arch your back when he licks a rough stripe up your cunt. Fuck, Ben, I need you, please-

He hums against you, flattening his tongue on your clit as one hand snakes back under your ass, playing and teasing around your cunt, never pushing in. You like this, darling? Like getting my mouth and fingers the needy fucking miracle you are, like it when I fucking worship your perfect pussy-

Yes, please-

He shoves two fingers back into you, pumping and scissoring as he flicks his tongue over that bundle of nerves. Tell me how good it feels, Sunshine, talk to me-

So good, you whine, and he chuckles in a way that rolls right into the tight coil near your gut. Fuck, Ben, fuck me, please-

That what you want? He rises back up with one last suck of your clit, leaving you whining and empty and fuck, he’s so handsome and all yours and looking at you like you’re some sort of god-

Benjamin-

His cock slaps on your clit—you don’t even know when he took off his pants, because everything is just a haze of warm and pine and Ben and good—and you fucking squeal.

You want my fucking cock, beautiful? Want me to make you squirt all over my fucking dick, fuck you like you deserve, fuck you until that smart, pretty mouth is fucking drooling and screaming my name-

Please, you hook your legs around his waist, trying to guide him inside you. Want you-

Beg.

I did, you asshole- The gag barely muffles your moan as Ben teases the head of his cock inside you, and you almost fly off the bed. Fuck, please-

More.

Please, Ben, please fuck me, please-

Good girl. He pushes himself inside you without further warning, primal satisfaction glowing over his ribs and abdomen as ghosting, iridescent fire covers your skin. So fucking beautiful, he growls your name between your heads, dragging himself out and slamming back in with a bruising force. Fucking perfect. So tight and wet for me, Sunshine, always so fucking good-

Ben groans as you squeeze around him, but he doesn’t pick up the pace. He just moves your hips a little higher, towering over you as he slowly thrusts in and out of your aching pussy.

Fuck, you’re a goddamn marvel, beautiful, feel like fucking heaven, could die here-

Ben, you whimper around your underwear, somehow finding the strength to reach up to him. Please, faster-

It’s all he needs. Ben’s praise becomes slurred as he fucks into you at an inhuman pace, his skin slapping sinfully against yours and his cock bumping your cervix with every thrust.

Christ, fuck- He falls over you, kissing over your collarbone before sucking on your neck, his movements becoming jerking and uncontrolled. You’re- fuck- Such a good girl, taking my cock so fucking good, fucking made for me, best fucking pussy I’ve ever seen, fucking love you-

You’re so close. Everything in you is alight and desperate for release, and you’re only a split second from begging for it when Ben groans against you, rising up to watch you with a devout, starved focus you can feel pounding in your heart.

You’re perfect. His voice in your head is deep and so fucking hungry, and you whimper. Cum, Sunshine.

Release rips through your body, and Ben rips your underwear out of your mouth, slamming his lips over yours and kissing you into the mattress. You scream down his throat as he fucks you through your orgasm, and when something warm and wet flows out of your pussy, Ben’s cock starts to jerk and spill into you. It’s so warm and blissful and made of Ben’s ardor and pleasure, and it sends you over the edge once more.

Neither of you try to move for a minute, Ben’s brow dropping to yours as you sit in his safe, certain warmth.

“We’ve got dinner.” He mutters, kissing the space between your eyes as he pulls out of you. “Go shower, beautiful.”

“You need to shower as well-“

“I’ll shower after.” Ben shrugs, rubbing on your thigh as he sits on the edge of the mattress. “You’re a bigger mess than me, darling.”

“Then I,” you mumble, and he rolls his eyes, jagged affection flaring in his body. “And I’m only a mess because you’re a tease, Pretty Boy.”

Ben snorts, leaning down to give you one last, soft kiss. “You love it,” he mutters onto your lips. “See you downstairs.”

You don’t move for a while after the door closes behind him, and you don’t know how long passes when Ben sparks in your chest, his words low in your head.

Move, Sunshine. Dinner’s almost ready.

Shut up. You smile at the ceiling, because he’d known you would still just be lying, fucked out, in bed. I hate you.

No you don’t. You fucking love me. 

I’m allowed to feel two things, cunt.

But you don’t, brat. Say it.

You roll your eyes, pushing up on the bed. I love you, you dick.

I love you too. You feel him glow in your body, and you shuffle to find where Ben had tossed your pants. See you in ten.

You nod mindlessly into the air, and pull your own paper out, smiling easily at the name. See you soon, my love.

—————

Ben worked in a fucking office. He did a goddamn commute every weekday, got dropped off at a fucking office, received a paper bag and a kiss on the cheek from his wife, then worked from nine to fucking five.

In a fucking office.

At a fucking desk.

Ben had a fucking desk. With a computer and stupid chair that spun in a circle and a mug that his son had gotten him. It said World’s Greatest Grandpa, and his wife had almost fallen over laughing when Ben showed it to her.

You think that’s fucking funny, Sunshine-

I know it’s funny, Benjamin. She’s kissed him, alive and beautiful in his arms, leaning into his body like she’d never want to be anywhere else. And they were out of Dad mugs, so it was either that or you being the World’s Best Mom.

Ben had rolled his eyes, then kept that mug where he could see it all the time. At his desk.

In his fucking office.

His office with a horrible fucking paint job, and lights that barely worked, and a printer that he had no damn idea how to use. It was why he made Kimiko print out photos of Her and Ryan, and he spent most of the day just fucking staring at them and bothering Her through the brain connection while she worked.

Because Ben was—as She’d call it—being a dramatic fucking man child. He only actually went in once or twice a week, for briefs on new missions and paperwork on old ones. The worst part of the whole fucking thing was that he still couldn’t figure out the fucking computer, and every few weeks he had to sleep at a hotel in New York for a case. In reality he got paid damn well, woke up next to the most beautiful woman in fucking history every morning, and picked his son up from school every afternoon. He got to do work he didn’t hate, and work with people who he—against his fucking will—liked enough not to kill.

Butcher was calling it a Private Military Company. She called it Supe Cleanup. And murder maid, but most supe cleanup.

She was fucking right. In all the jobs Butcher had found for them, exactly two had been non-supe related. And whatever She said was the goddamn truth anyway, because no matter what Butcher claimed, they worked for Her. She got Neuman to give them all their damn cases, was the one who funded a lot of their fucking bullshit, and She dealt with most of the aftermath. Butcher wouldn’t say it because he was a pathetic fucking pussy, and She wouldn’t say it because she was too kind for her own damn good, but everyone else knew.

She was the fucking boss. She called the shots, and looked damn hot doing it. She was the one who killed Homelander—all Butcher had done was shoot a fucking gun, any asscuck with eyes and hands could’ve done that—and the one who built this shit up in a matter of months. She had the ideas for the supe reform programs, and employed all the lawyers who represented the countless victims of Vought and Homelander. Christ, She even got Butcher the damn license to be a private contractor, and convinced that Defense Secretary pussy to hire them the post-Vought efforts. She was the one with a real damn job.

Ben, Butcher, Frenchie, and Kimiko sat around until someone told them there was work to do, and then they damn did it and went home.

She testified before congress. She dealt with all the fucking press idiots, and offered the supes second chances the pussies didn’t deserve, and made sure everyone got their reparations. Ben wasn’t really sure what the fuck the actual mission statement of Her whole thing was—She’d explained it, tits pressed together as she crossed her arms, and he hadn’t remembered all her big, fancy fucking words—but he knew she was doing something good. She ran a real company, not a group of four fucking assholes.

“It’s not a company, Benjamin.” She’d told him, straddling his torso and pouting down at him as his hands kneaded her skin. “It’s a non-profit.”

“What’s the damn difference,” he’d grumbled, and she’d sighed, tapping her fingers on his chest.

“Well, if it’s a company I don’t get any government funding. And as a non-profit we get exempt from certain taxes, and it lends us a certain credibility, which is important because a lot of people aren’t going to trust us. Which I understand, this is a mess, but we also can’t give the media or public anything that might lend to confirmation bias-“

Ben had pulled Her down as she started to spiral into a fucking overdrive, and kissed her until she relaxed in his arms.

Don’t fucking hurt yourself, Sunshine. He’d muttered. You had me with ‘well’.

That was- She’d let out a small gasp as Ben nipped on her upper lip, her voice breathy in their heads. I hadn’t even started talking-

I know. He’d smirked against Her, rolling them over so he could look down at Her beautiful face, how it was open and easy and all his to keep joyful. You have me all the damn time, darling.

Good. She’d smiled up at him, Ben might have drowned in how fucking perfect she was. Because you have me as well.

He didn’t have Her now. Ben had Her everywhere in the world, except in his arms. She was in the flicking, golden light of the office, and the off-key, horrible fucking humming Butcher was doing across the room, and wallpaper of his phone. Both She and Ryan were in pieces all over Ben’s desk as well. Not just in the pictures, but the little paper guide She’d made him to the internet. It told him how shit like URLs and emails and incognito mode worked, and it was in Her handwriting because She loved him enough to help him with this. Ryan had contributed, and drawn a little fucking smile on the corner of one of the pages, and Ben kept it open to that section all the damn time.

Ryan was mostly in that stupid damn mug that Ben kept on his desk every moment, even when he wasn’t using it.

She was mostly in the ring on Ben’s finger. Matching Her’s, the only thing he ever owned that he gave a shit about. He’d had houses and trophies and diamonds and stupid fucking crystal plates that barely damn worked, but they’d all been replaceable. This ring wasn’t. It was made of all the stupid scrap Frenchie had found in the pawn shop, and fireproof because his beautiful, perfect wife was a fucking menace.

And She wasn’t fucking replaceable. The ring proved that Ben had Her—alive in his body and consuming his every damn thought—and he’d never fucking lose Her. He simply fucking refused to, because he’d never, ever be able to find someone he knew how to love half as much. Christ, he’d never had a goddamn chance, because loving Her might be the only thing Ben had ever been a natural at. He’d learned how to do it without effort, like it was something he was born for, and he’d never want to do anything else again. He was the only pussy in the world who was worthy of it, as well.

Ben was worthy of Her, because he fucking understood that She was priceless and holy. That loving Her was a task, but fuck it was worth it. Every nightmare and hollow, glassy stare when she retreated back into pain—the feeling like torture in Ben’s body, making him feel fucking sick until she smiled again—was well worth it to love Her. Worth how he might not be the only one who got to see all Her damn perfection on the surface—beauty and kindness and smart words that came with a smarter fucking brain—but it was Ben alone who got to see everything. The whole picture of this insane, infuriating, perfect woman.

And fuck, She was a masterpiece. And She was all fucking Ben’s. All his to tend to and hold, all his to throw around and fight besides, all his to grin at and care for and really fucking love. All Ben’s to give the whole damn world, and then reduce it all to a moan of his name when he fucked Her. When he buried his head in Her pretty pussy that tasted like a heady, slightly bitter, powerful fucking drug and rubbed Her clit until she squirted all over his fucking face. All Ben’s to trace with worshipping, firm hands, all Ben’s to get fucking high on.

Because sometimes he’d have his hand braced near Her head as he fucked her, and she’d be a needy fucking mess under him, and he’d trace fingers over Her lips and cheekbones before brushing the hair from Her face.

And his ring would catch the light through their blind shades.

And Ben would lose his fucking mind.

He’d hit a pace that was inhuman, and kiss Her everywhere he could fucking reach. Breathing would feel pointless, because he had his wife under him, screaming his name and being the only thing in the whole world that mattered. All of Ben’s existence would narrow to his mouth on her own, or kissing at Her breasts, or sucking on her clit. His hands would be for squeezing and pulling Her skin, or tracing and teasing over her perfect body, or thrusting fingers in and out of Her pussy. Shoving them deep enough his ring would come out covered in her arousal, crooking them until she was pleading and whining under him, and tasting Her when he pulled them out, leaving Her ruined and whimpering on the edge.

And he’d split Her open on his cock, make Her say his name like a prayer, and fuck Her until she squirted all over his cock and he could pump her full of his cum-

Stop distracting me, Benjamin.

I didn’t fucking do anything. He drawled Her name between their heads, smirking into the air. You’re the one who’s distracting me, brat.

Shut up, you’re probably at your desk watching baseball. And you know what you fucking did.

Ben rolled his eyes, turning off his monitor, and with it the MBA game. I don’t have a damn clue what you’re talking about, Sunshine, you spoke first-

Because you started getting horny and loud in my brain, and I’m at work. I can’t start masturbating while I talk to MM and Hughie, they’ll never look me in the eyes again.

Tell them to fucking leave.

I’m not kicking them out of our meeting so we can have mind sex.

You’ve kicked them out so we can have real sex-

Ben could almost see the wrinkle of Her nose. That’s not the same, you looked like you were going to kill them if they didn’t leave-

I hadn’t seen you in a fucking week-

Three days, don’t be dramatic-

And, Ben ignored Her, pushing on. Those pussies chose to leave, it’s not like I fucking threatened them-

They could see your boner, my love. Her voice was bored and amused in his head, and Ben wanted to fucking eat the sound and turn it into a moan. And you almost broke down my door demanding we go on a date, and I quote, ‘right fucking now’-

We should go on a date-

Ben-

Tonight, darling, keep your damn head on. You can stash Ryan at Butcher’s, the asshole looks fucking lonely anyway-

Don’t call it stashing, Ben-

Fine, drop him there after you pick him up-

I was actually, um, I was going to- She paused, and Ben could almost hear her nervous swallow. I wanted to ask, and you can say no, but I-

Words, darling-

Could you pick up Ryan today? I have to go do something.

Ben frowned into the air. Something.

Her voice hummed in his head. Yeah.

Are you going to fucking tell me-

No. It’s a surprise.

It’s a fucking secret-

Ben. Her voice was soft and gentle in his head, and that alone made his frown drop to what She called a pout.

What.

If it was a secret, I would’ve told you I’m working late, or going out with Annie and Kimiko, or something else stupid. But it’s not a secret, I just can’t tell you right now.

She was right. She was always fucking right, and Ben had an idea what this was, but he still missed Her. Wanted to touch her and walk with her and make Her bury her face in his arm when he teased her. You’re going to fucking tell me.

I promise that, by the end of the month, I will have told you. And we can do that date on Christmas eve. Whatever you want.

You don’t have to damn bribe me-

I know. She sighed in the silence, and something in Ben ached as Her own guilt clouded over his eyes. But I want to go on a date with you. And I really want to tell you what I’m doing-

You’re getting a gift. Ben said between their heads, and there was a brief silence before She responded.

Shut up.

Ben drawled Her name, grinning at the air. You’re going to get your gift for the stupid fucking Santa thing-

No, I need to go to the mall for that. Actually, She paused, and Ben felt a smile tug at his lips as he pictured Her pretty face starting into the air, her fingers tapping her desk or leg. Could you take Ryan to the mall? Help him get his gifts? And maybe new pants, I think he grew again-

You have to go with us to get the tree.

If Her nose hadn’t been wrinkling before, it sure as fuck was now. I thought I didn’t have to bribe you, Pretty Boy-

It’s not a fucking bribe, Sunshine, it’s a deal. You go do your secret shit-

My surprise shit-

And I’ll get Ryan and do the fucking shopping. But we’re doing that date, and you’re coming with us for the tree.

Okay. Deal. Ben?

He grunted Her name between their heads, and something warm spread over his whole body at the sound of Her sweet, sharp, infinitely adoring voice.

I love you. She whispered. Thank you-

Don’t. Ben muttered. I love you too. But if you’re not home by midnight I’m finding you and carrying you back.

Her giggle was soft in the silence of the office, and Ben didn’t bother to fight the wide grin on his face. Promise?

Brat.

Cunt.

She faded back into a quiet, perfect presence over Ben’s skull, and now he actually had to damn work. But then he’d get to pick Ryan up—Ben didn’t fucking know how shopping worked without Her there, and he didn’t think Ryan would either, but they’d figure it out—and kiss Her dumb when she got back from whatever the hell she was doing.

She’d tell him. Ben didn’t have a single fucking doubt She’d tell him, because they didn’t keep secrets from each other. Ben could feel Her all the fucking time, and knew exactly where she was across the city, and he didn’t have a single damn desire to keep anything from Her at all. He didn’t see the point in it. That’s what fucking marriage was for, Ben giving his everything to Her, while She gave every part of her right back.

It’s why he was so fucking ready for the holidays. Ben hadn’t had a real Christmas since he was fucking six or seven. They’d either been spent at boarding schools or in military camps through his youth, or at drug-fueled parties through his career. Or just fucking alone. When everyone had people to go to that they cared about more, and Ben didn’t have a single fucking person who saw him as their person.

He’d told Her that, and something soft and pained had flashed over her beautiful face as she held his face between his hands. He’d expected an age joke—So in a hundred fucking years, Pretty Boy?—but all he’d gotten was a gentle, slow kiss and loving words.

You’re my person, Benjamin. She’d mumbled against his lips. And as long as you’re stuck with that, we can do whatever you want for Christmas.

I’m not fucking stuck with it, he’d grumbled, hauling Her up his chest. I love you, Sunshine, you’re not getting rid of me until I fucking die.

She’d hummed, smiling at him. So in like a year, old man?

Ben had rolled his eyes—there She was—and kissed Her until she was squirming above him, then fucked up into her as she screamed his name.

And he didn’t really fucking want much else. There were to many damn traditions for this shit. Activities he didn’t understand, and mistletoe he didn’t fucking care about—he didn’t need a damn plant to tell him when to kiss his wife—and cards that were fucking pointless because they had six friends who they saw every damn day.

He wanted to do some of it though. Ben wanted to eat all the food, and watch whatever movie She told him to—he didn’t understand how a movie about the Grinch could be the best Christmas movie ever fucking made, Benjamin, but he’d watch most anything if She sat with him —and he really wanted to do the tree. To get a big one that made the whole house smell good, and he could cover it in stupid lights.

It should be rainbow lights. She’d fucking love rainbow lights, so Ben should get rainbow lights.

Ben should get them a lot of fucking things. He should get Ryan whatever the hell the kid needed to be a kid, and Ben hadn’t been a kid since the fucking 20s, so he’d have to ask Her and see what that shit looked like now. Probably sports gear, and a real phone that wasn’t a damn brick, and a trip to some museums because Ryan was like Her, and they both liked smart shit, and museums were full of smart shit.

She should get a trip to a museum as well, just Her and Ben. She should get twenty more houses, and a massive library that was just for Her to be a genius in, and as many breaks and vacations as Ben could drag her on. Back to their villa in Rome every summer, and up to Boston to visit Her sister, and every other beautiful place in the world.

She should get the fucking world. Ben should be able to drag the sun down from the sky for Her to hold, and break of a piece of the moon for Her to touch.

But this—a normal, easy holiday where Ben could buy find Her something as perfect as she was for a gift—was going to be damn good place to start.

End Note: It was bold of any of them to think Ben would be able to keep any sort of secret from Her.

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@deansbbyx

[thatneoncrisis]

could you explain your reasoning for butch harrow? im asking this in a way a student asks a master

ok so. up top: do i think harrow is butch in canon? no. god no. absolutely not. secret third category of person. not butch or femme shes just like A Guy who really fucking likes black

however i do think that between those two ends of a nebulous spectrum, being butch would be way more comfortable for her than femme, if we think of it in the most traditional sense for both sides. there are literally exceptions to every rule femmes can have short hair and wear pants, butches can have long hair and wear makeup yadda yadda. but the way she interacts with certain elements of her presentation in canon just felt to ME, PERSONALLY, that being traditionally feminine would freak her the fuck out

ive seen people compare her compulsion to wear the skull paint to a need to wear makeup and i. very much disagree. id see it more as like, an overtly religious thing, like a nuns habit or a hijab, its modesty and how she shows respect for her god, also routine, its as natural as putting on pants for her. and also frankly if it was an analog for traditional makeup that would be uuuuh awful. like I genuinely feel terrible for women who cannot even leave the house without foundation or contouring or whatever i dont know shit about makeup but holy fuck. if shes femme in that analog id be shaking her by the shoulders GIRL. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE A NAKED ANIMAL

another thing is her hair. so many people read her having short hair and immediately went to a bob or a pixie cut. and between tamsyns inconsistent description of the length of her hair in book one (saying its stuck to her face with sweat despite them being there for like, a month) and the htn cover being The best image we have of her, i understand that conclusion. but in the beginning of gtn its said its close cropped, tamsyn said on her blog post describing all the characters its "cut short (as benefits someone in a monestary)" which is a very interesting choice of words tbh. like im sute she didnt mean harrow is completely bald in the middle with a ring of hair but that Is the monk haircut. and then finally harrow says to gideon outright "i wont cut you bald-even though your hair is ridiculous- because I know you wont shave it every day" which i always took to mean being shaved down to the scalp is just how the ninth is traditionally. in harrow the ninth its said "occasionally ticklish rasps at your ears or forehead would frighten you numb before you realized ut was your own hair" indicating that she is not used to that length at all. also theres the fact that ianthe made her hair grow faster particularly to fuck with her. in short harrows haircut is shitty and utilitarian and any fussing with it has only been described in relation to her direct discomfort

finally theres that goddamn dress scene. why did ianthe put her in that stupid fucking thing. humilation tactic (im exaggerating but it basically was explicitly and exclusively for ianthes own amusement). shes such a simple girl, she just wanted something that could cover her up. its not impossible to have a longsleeved formless dress, but beyond my own opinion that i think harrow would have been uncomfortable in anything, i think the fact this like, explicit symbol of femininity is used to further degrade her in some sense in a room full of people who font reapect her feels like. intentional on the authors end. it quite literally just isnt her, its not even a true black its like a deep midnight blue. you get the pretty woman makeover scene but harrow comes out of it more miserable and resigned than ever. augustines approval means nothing. she looks in the mirror and sees her mother, a woman she appears to not have a single fond memory about. its all very sad

tldr when i talk about butch harrow its less about her "being butch" and more about how unfemme i think she is. also i want more butch4butch dykes i think gideon and camilla should teach her how to tie a tie.

[musicalmoritz]

It’s canon Mitsuba’s gay?

I’m gonna use this as an excuse to yap because Mitsuba’s queercoding is either weirdly downplayed by fans or used solely for BL shipping purposes so I want to talk about it through the lens of what it means for his character, role in the story, and relationship with Kou

Yes, Mitsuba is canonically gay

Things don’t have to be explicitly stated in order to be canon, subtext is a major part of media analysis. This is something a lot of fans miss which leads to a misunderstanding of the source material. I do have some credentials for this, I’ve taken two undergrad college literature classes in which the subject of queercoding did come up multiple times. Meaning analyzing queercoding has literally gone towards my degree so I feel like my opinion holds some weight (not as much as that of an actual English major but yk I assume I’ve had more education on it than the general TBHK fandom)

There are multiple ways to queercode a character, sometimes it can be as simple as feminizing a man or masculinizing a woman. Though that method might be a bit outdated nowadays with gender roles becoming less strict, it’s still worth keeping in mind when analyzing queer characters. Another way is through romantically colored scenes with characters of the same sex, or by having them hint at disinterest in the opposite sex. Mitsuba checks off all three of these boxes and then some

First off, Mitsuba is attracted to men. This is made extremely obvious through his relationship with Kou but I’m gonna explain it anyways because unfortunately I’ve seen a lot of fans say they’re just platonic

Mitsuba and Kou went on a date. When this is brought up, fans typically jump to the excuse of “but Kou said it wasn’t a date,” which is where my American Lit class is going to come in handy. One of the major things we learned is that authors have to understand that everything they write has some sort of real world connotation. If you write a scene with a doctor, you have to understand that your readers already have preconceived notions of what doctors represent. You can choose to either lean into that or subvert it, but you have to be aware that as soon as a doctor enters the scene, readers have already made assumptions about that character

The word “date” is clearly being used in a romantic context here. When Kou texts his friends and brother about it, they all assume he’s talking about a romantic date. While in the actual context of the scene, Mitsuba and Kou aren’t quite ready to use such a strong label yet, the romantic wording here is still very intentional. AidaIro would not have labeled this moment as a date if they didn’t want readers to view it in a romantic light, because they understand that their readers are going to associate dates with romance. Japanese censorship is really strict, it’s hard to publish stories with explicitly queer characters unless the series is labeled as a BL or GL. And so Japanese manga writers often have to find roundabout ways to express that characters are gay without outright stating it- such as suggesting that they’re going on a date with a character of the same sex

In the printed volume for Vol.20, there’s an editor’s note that mentions that when Kou and Mitsuba are making plans to hang out at the school festival, it holds a romantic implication for the Japanese audience. Cultural differences are important to keep in mind, to western fans this scene might not raise any eyebrows but for its primary audience, it is confirmation that Mitsuba and Kou are romantic. I also find it interesting that the editor felt this context was important enough to warrant clarification

And frankly, their relationship doesn’t make a lot of sense if it’s solely platonic. Male friendship is something TBHK writes very realistically, the male characters aren’t as touchy-feely with their friends as they are with their female love interests. Yokoo and Satou don’t directly ask Kou how he’s feeling when they notice he’s upset, instead they give him a task to distract him- similar to how men in real life cheer their friends up through quality time rather than talking through their emotions like women do (not every man ofc but a good majority of them). When Teru is down, Akane doesn’t hold him and reassure him the way he does with Aoi. There are no grand declarations of ultimate “friendship” the way you see in fan servicy series like Haikyuu. Instead, he used his and Teru’s rivalry to indirectly motivate him to get his head back in the game. When Hanako is sad, Kou cheers him up by making donuts for him and then giving them to Nene so she can pretend she’s the one who made them. This is a very healthy portrayal of male friendship, and Mitsuba and Kou are nothing like this

Mitsuba and Kou both cry and vent to each other multiple times (the Mitsuba Arc, the Picture Perfect Arc, the Nightlife Arc), and instead of comforting each other indirectly they do things like offering to die for each other. You would never see Akane offer to die to make Teru feel better, nor would you Aoi and Nene or Kou and Hanako. It stands out so much from other friendships in the series, even Kou’s friendships with other characters. That is a conscious writing decision, AidaIro make a point to show Mitsuba as an exception for Kou. It’s worth noting that in the same chapter where Yokoo and Satou cheer Kou up indirectly, Mitsuba attempts to directly have him talk about his feelings

They’re also incredibly possessive over one another, in a way friends usually aren’t. When Kou was in the Red House, he was shown his greatest desires, and Mitsuba appeared in one of these. Kou said he knew Mitsuba would appear, which is interesting because at that point he had already picked up on the house showing him what he wanted. But what does he want? He wants Mitsuba to rely on him entirely, to be completely useless without him. He wants Mitsuba to be “no good without him,” to need him so badly that he begs him to die so they can be together. I’m not exaggerating, these are lines pulled straight from the chapter (paraphrased but still). Later on in the Nightlife arc, Kou breaks down when he discovers Mitsuba has been relying on Tsukasa for life-saving help. As for Mitsuba, he wants to die by Kou’s hands. He says it wouldn’t be satisfying if anyone else killed him, and that he would be happy if Kou were to be the last person he spent time with before he died. He tries to trap Kou in a picture perfect world just like Hanako does with Nene, because he wants to live a normal life with him. It’s also shown in one of the extras that Mitsuba cries when Kou ignores him

They’re also drawn very romantically, again we don’t see Teru and Akane this intimate with one another unless they’re fighting. We especially don’t see Kou this intimate with anyone other than Mitsuba, and while Mitsuba is sometimes clingy with Tsukasa we certainly never see him posed romantically with a woman. This comes back to authorial intent and real world connotations, AidaIro know that male friends aren’t typically this close, and therefore casual affection like this will be interpreted in a romantic light. We see them hold hands/wrists multiple times too, Kou gives Mitsuba a piggyback ride in one scene, and in ASHK they had a classic “pinned against the wall” page

I’ll also mention the AUs, because those indicate a lot about the characters as well. In Hanako-Kun of the Opera, Kou poisoned Mitsuba so he could take him away from the opera house and protect him from Tsukasa. He basically kidnapped him. He also stayed with Mitsuba at the opera house for a seemingly long period of time despite hating opera. Aaaaand they’re childhood best friends in this au and Kou took care of Mitsuba while he was sick

Then there’s the Ghost Hotel, where Kou is a werewolf who takes bites out of mummy Mitsuba during full moons. Despite this, the two appear to be friends and Mitsuba helps Kou out around the kitchen. Cannibalism is consistently tied to romance throughout TBHK, most notably with Hakubo and Sumire but other romantic pairings have cannibalistic moments or official arts. During the zombie mokke chapter, Nene panicked when Akane tries to eat her because she assumed it would put her in a love triangle with Aoi. So yeah, cannibalism in TBHK is directly tied to romance and we see that with Mitsukou both in canon and in this au. Speaking of which, I’m not even gonna get into the symbolism of Kou holding a heart out to Mitsuba. Connect the dots for yourselves

Now that we’ve got Mitsukou out of the way, let’s talk about Mitsuba’s disinterest in women

Remember how I said one of the ways queercoding is done is by having a character hint at disinterest in the opposite sex? Yeah, very rarely are we going to see a queercoded male character outright say “I have no attraction to women.” Instead they say they just never saw the appeal in dating, or that they never had time to settle down. In more obvious cases, we have scenes like Reiner from AOT joking that Ymir isn’t all that into guys

I couldn’t find the second scene but there are TWO extras where the subject of Mitsuba’s disinterest in women comes up. C’mon guys I’m trying not to be mean here but you have to be blind, oblivious, or in denial to not pick up on that. Whyyyyy would they mention Mitsuba not having a crush on any girls twice if it weren’t to suggest something about his preference?? Coupled with his appearance (which I’ll get to later) and relationship with Kou, these scenes carry a lot of weight. Even if those other aspects weren’t included, scenes like this would still indicate he has no interest in women (which would make him gay or aroace, though due to his relationship with Kou the aroace thing is kind of ruled out)

Compare this to a scene where Mitsuba thinks he’s being asked out by a man. He doesn’t say “hmmm nope no guys, I’m cuter than all of them~” he specifically says “I’m not interested in guys with lame earrings.” The way this is worded implies that Mitsuba is discussing a type, though it’s v much a comedic scene and we know from everything else that he absolutely does like guys with lame earrings, it’s still worded in a way that makes him appear queer. If he were straight, they would have had him say he’s not interested in guys at all (like Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs, John Watson from BBC Sherlock, Finn Hudson from Glee, idk there are a lot of male characters that are explicit straight sorry for the crazy random list). Also note how he teases Kou about it, he knows that Kou is fond of him and doesn’t hesitate to use that against him (like when he was comforting him during the Nightlife arc)

They don’t go overboard with Mitsuba’s disinterest in women because, well, that’s not really necessary. Two scenes is already a lot, and he doesn’t have any romantic relationships with women in canon (even as a crush/a joke scene). It’s rare for TBHK characters to have absolutely no scenes expressing interest in the opposite sex, since the series is partially a romance. But Mitsuba consistently only ever shows interest in one man, and when girls are brought up he’s quick to brush it off. His mom did think Nene was his girlfriend when they met, but this was depicted as a very awkward and comedic scene. Because the premise of Mitsuba having a girlfriend is objectively hilarious

(Due to Sousuke’s young age it’s reasonable to assume he wasn’t out to his mom yet, he’s around the age where most kids are closeted. It’s even possible that Sousuke hadn’t come to terms with his sexuality yet, though it’s still a prevalent part of both his character and No.3’s)

Now let’s move onto appearances. I want to give a quick disclaimer, not all gay men are feminine and not all feminine men are gay. Androgyny is also very common in anime and doesn’t automatically mean a character is gay, but there are cases when it’s used for queercoding. Mitsuba is one of these cases

Mitsuba is a very feminine character, this is addressed as soon as he shows up in the manga. He was bullied for his appearance (and personality), but unlike his personality he never tried to change his feminine appearance. He kept his hair long, continues to wear scarves and cardigans and earrings. No.3 wears these things as well, and I would argue has a more feminine personality since he seems to be more open about his emotions and idk. I struggle to categorize feminine and masculine traits because imo that’s subjective but there are things society deems feminine vs. masculine. The problem is that I really dislike the whole “men are strong and women are emotional” thing but ehhhh I guess I have to talk about it for this. Hmph. But yeah although Mitsuba isn’t exactly the biggest sweetheart ever, he does act somewhat feminine compared to the other male characters (as I’ve said he’s p much the only man in the series who attempts to work through emotional conflicts directly)

Once again we circle back to intent, AidaIro know that a male character dressed in pink with pink eyes and long pink hair is going to raise some eyebrows. Even by androgynous anime standards, it’s a bit much. And good for him, although not all gay men are feminine, some are and that’s also fine. I can’t speak on how well he represents feminine gay men because I’m a lesbian but he does dress similar to some of the feminine gay men I’ve known irl (or slightly less feminine in some cases…I knew this one dude in high school who used to wear corsets to class and he was so badass I hope he’s doing well)

I could get into how Kou is a bit feminized too with the whole housework thing but this ain’t abt him. I will say that Kou is still a very masculine character but despite this his character is feminized in some ways compared to the other men. I’m not really here to discuss whether that’s good or bad, I’m just stating the evidence as it is, you can make your own conclusions as to how you feel about it

So how does being queer impact Mitsuba’s character arc?

When I get around to writing my analyses of all the TBHK characters I WILL be talking more in depth about the queer allegories with Mitsuba’s character but for now I’ll give ya’ll a quick summary. Supernatural characters have been used for years to represent queerness, the same could be said for villains and any character trope that represents a feeling of “otherness.” Sometimes it’s more broad like X-Men, where the superpowered characters are used to represent all types of minorities (though I believe X-Men is more closely tied to race, there are rampant queer themes as well). Then there’s books like Interview with the Vampire that get more specific with it, where Louis denying his “true nature” as a vampire is used as an allegory for him denying his queerness. Well I’m here to tell you that Mitsuba and Louis de Pointe du Lac are in the same boat

Mitsuba differs from the other supernaturals because he desperately tries to hold on to feelings of normalcy. He wants to be a normal human and live a normal human life. He doesn’t want to be othered, to be outcasted from society for something he can’t control. We don’t see Hanako, Tsuchigomori, Mei, or any of the other supernatural characters struggle with this. You could argue that Akane does but his situation is more related to learning to empathize with others than any internal battles within himself. Hanako may have moments of wishing him and Nene could have something more, but that’s more about romance than his identity.

This desire to be “normal” is unique to Mitsuba’s character, and it’s a very queer desire. Being an angsty teenager who hasn’t fully accepted themself yet and hasn’t realized that being queer is not only normal, but a beautiful experience. It’s also so interesting to me that as he’s trying so hard to be normal, it creates a push and pull between him and Kou. He wants to be normal for Kou but he also feels that he’s hurting Kou just by existing, that this could only end bad for him. Oh the inherent guilt of having your first gay crush and feeling like you're corrupting them hist for pining from afar

So, can you ship him with women? Technically you can do anything, shipping isn’t illegal and we all have free will. Should you ship him with women is more subjective, I personally think no!! Queerness is not just a sexuality, it’s an identity that deeply impacts who you are as a person. It shapes your experiences and your view of yourself, and in an allegorical way it has certainly done this for Mitsuba. Yes, bi people are queer as well and this is still true for them, but bisexuality is not Mitsuba’s experience. Mono-attraction exists and that specification is very important to gay men and lesbians. For some people sexuality is fluid and that’s beautiful, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone

Some queer fans don’t care if gay characters are shipped with members of the opposite sex, and they’re entitled to their own opinions. It makes me immensely uncomfortable tho, so please block me if you ship Mitsuba with women. That goes for any ships between canon gay/lesbian characters and the opposite sex. I respect people’s right to have opinions but that doesn’t mean I have to like the opinions themselves, and I don’t have to engage with anything that makes me uneasy. That goes for all of you btw, never let people convince you that you have to put up with shit you hate on the internet lmao, this is not real life babes. Block and move on

TL;DR

Mitsuba is too gay to function

[cheolism-archive]

tilf: teacher i'd like to fuck

➳ former student! hoshi x professor! reader ➳ summary: the day after graduation, soonyoung visits your office to tell you about his secret feelings. ➳ wc is approx 6k ➳ warnings/tags: professor/former student relationship, use of the "professor" title sexually, hoshi leaning into the idea of the two of you fucking while he was your student. office sex, desk sex, pull-out method, fingering and oral (f rec.), confessions and relationship discussion. talk of having feelings for a student, for a teacher. marks and bruises, pussy slapping, crying during sex, hoshi is obsessed with you. good luck. lots of dirty talk from hoshi. mentions of breeding/mounting. reader wears panties, long skirt and blouse, but no gender is explicitly mentioned. panty sniffing, name/identity porn (iykyk). metaphors to sex being paradise, heavenly, etc. ➳ MDNI. if you don't like this sort of thing, do not read. ➳ author's note: no one asked for this but i got this idea and got. cough. fixated on it. pls enjoy!!

soonyoung had been looking forward to this day for over a year.

a lot of college students tend to look forward to their graduation. they were ready to take on the world, ready to become fully independent adults who no longer were totally reliant on the generosity of family members and the government. soonyoung, however, looked forward to his graduation day for another reason.

you.

you were, in soonyoung's eyes, the most perfect a person could be. you always smiled at him when he greeted you, always let him talk out his ideas without interrupting him. he adored the sheepish, coyish look you got whenever he brought you your favorite drink from the university's coffee shop.

but he also loved how you looked. he loved it when you wore more casual looks, trading in your business slacks for jeans. he loved when you would turn, showing off the shape of your thighs and ass and how your jeans seemed to hug the shape of you so tightly it was as if they were a second skin. he loved it when you wore that white blouse with the lace around the collar, how it showed the top of the valley between your tits.

but more than just being attracted to you physically, soonyoung loved spending time with you. he tried to be the first person to tell you hello every morning, tried to come up with reasons as to why he needed to meet you after class, as to why he needed to stop by your office for extra help.

because, unfortunately, you were his anthropology professor.

a year ago he had needed a social science credit, and so had signed up for a random class. it was, as it turned out, the best decision soonyoung ever made. because on the first day he walked into the classroom and he saw you.

he remembered how beautiful you looked on that first day. smiling brightly, hair falling around your face angelically. you had asked his name and he had eagerly offered it, so much so that chan, who was taking the class with him, laughed at him later.

"soonyoung's got a crush on the professor," chan accused that night. seungkwan had given soonyoung a disapproving glare, which cause soonyoung to gasp in offense.

"i'm not going to actually do anything," soonyoung said. "i don't want to get professor in trouble, anyways. i'll wait until i graduate like a good person would."

"a good person wouldn't get the hots for their teacher," seungkwan snapped back. but then again, seungkwan had been the one to go out and help soonyoung in picking out the flowers he would give to you, so obviously seungkwan wasn't too disapproving.

that first semester passed too quickly in soonyoung's opinion. he hated it. he hated how the more he seemed to adore you, the more his heart began to swell and warm at the thought of you, the faster time went. nonetheless, regardless of his affections, the semester ended and you took soonyoung aside.

"i know we're not supposed to do this," you had said, voice soft. you reached into your bag and pulled out a chocolate bar, offering it to soonyoung with wide eyes. "but i really enjoyed having you in class, soonyoung. you always seemed to brighten my day."

that afternoon soonyoung signed up for a different one of your classes the following semester.

and so a year had passed with soonyoung admiring you from afar, signing up for your classes at the end of each semester and trying to hide the way you made his heart flutter and his dick swell.

("we really didn't need to know that," wonwoo had whined, pushing his glasses up as he rubbed at his face in distress. "just keep your horny thoughts to yourself, thanks.")

but! it was now the day after graduation, which meant soonyoung was free from both the chains of the education system and the restraints that kept him from telling you of his feelings.

he was so excited that he nearly tripped going up the stairs of the social science building. someone called after him but soonyoung just waved them on, gripping the bouquet a little tighter and trying to regulate his breathing.

it was fine, he thought. either you would let him whisk you off your feet into an eternity of love and passion or you'd politely smile at him and turn him down.

it was fine.

it was all fine.

the halls were cool as he walked down them, nearly abandoned. most of the students were at their living spaces, packing them up and saying goodbyes to their friends. professors and faculty were busy at their desks, doing whatever it was that professors and faculty did when they weren't instructing.

and soonyoung was here, on his way to confess to you.

he wondered what he should say, exactly. he hadn't given it much thought, but at the same time he had. he had thought enough about how you would react to his words, to his heartfelt confession, but hadn't really thought about what those words would be.

maybe he should've asked jihoon to help him write you a song.

but then he was outside of your office door, heart hammering in his ears so loudly that he couldn't even think, and soonyoung swallowed down all of his panic and stress and raised his fist to the door.

"coming!" you called from the other side, and soonyoung felt himself smile. he couldn't help it, really. the sound of your voice was like fuel to him, fueling the flames of his heart.

wait -- that was good. maybe that's what he should tell you.

you opened the door, eyes immediately finding his. you smiled, your entire face brightening, and fuck if soonyoung wasn't in love then he would have been just by your grin.

"soonyoung!" you said, leaning against your door. "you're early! your email said you would be here closer to one."

"ah," he said, searching his mind for an excuse. in the end, all he said was something about being excited. you accepted his words nonetheless with a soft grin, nodding along.

your eyes flicked down to the flowers. soonyoung gasped, and then shoved out his hands. "these -- these are for you!"

"thank you," you returned, smiling still. you reached out for the flowers and took them, and soonyoung felt as if he was going to go crazy when he could literally feel the graze of your fingers against his. "they're beautiful, soonyoung."

"i remember you saying they were your favorite flowers," he said. you stepped aside, waving him inside of your office. soonyoung ducked in, immediately feeling himself relax once he was in your space. he had been in your office numerous times, enough to where he felt as if he knew it just as well as you did. "i hope i was right."

"you were," you murmured, looking down at the blossoms. soonyoung's heart fluttered like the wings of a hummingbird as you slowly lifted the flowers to your nose, sniffing.

"do they smell good?"

"well," you began, eyes flicking up to his. "they smell like flowers."

soonyoung laughed, feeling himself relax even more. he watched as you left the door, letting it slowly creak shut behind you. you went to your desk, gently laying the bouquet beside your computer. "thank you for bringing these for me, soonyoung. it was awfully sweet of you. then again," you said, your smile turning coyish, "you've been awfully sweet to me this entire time. bringing me drinks in the morning, walking me to my car at night."

soonyoung shrugged. your smile and eyes were doing something to him. "it's how a lady should be treated."

"ah," you said, biting down on your lip. he couldn't bring his eyes from your mouth, how your teeth played with it. "and that's what i've been this whole time, hm? a lady, not a professor."

soonyoung felt his face fall slightly. "wait -- i don't -- i mean -- yes, you're a lady, but you're also --"

you laughed then, loudly and brightly. soonyoung felt his panic melt away as you leaned into his space, placing a gentle hand on his forearm. "it's all right, soonyoung. i know what you meant."

you began moving back and away, and soonyoung just couldn't help but reach out, grabbing your hand before you could retract it all the way. he squeezed your hand between both of his, feeling his heart rise up into his throat. "wait. i need to tell you something."

you blinked, surprised. "okay?"

"i -- you probably get this all the time," he said, laughing sheepishly. "probably get students telling you this every other week. but i want you to know i'm not like the others, you know? i don't want something that lasts just a semester -- that's why i waited, yeah? and not just for fun -- because i think we can have fun, but i don't want it to be just for fun. i think we can have something, the two of us --"

"what?" you gasped, breath leaving you in a rush. soonyoung glanced up at your face. your eyes were wide, mouth hanging open. "soonyoung, what are you talking about?"

soonyoung laughed weakly and awkwardly, loosening his grip on your hands. "uh. about my feelings for you?"

"your feelings for me," you echoed, brows furrowed as you tried to work out what he was saying. "which are -- what? just to be clear."

soonyoung sucked in a breath. "uh. i thought the flowers would've like, you know, done the talking for me."

you blinked at him, still confused. "the flowers? what talking, soonyoung? why did you bring me flowers if not as -- do you -- soonyoung?"

you gasped out his name as if he had done something scandalous which, all things considered, he had. a former student who waited a day after graduating to chase after his professor? what was he thinking?

"i --" he choked, and then soonyoung completely retracted from you. he made himself small, bringing his shoulders in and tucking his hands in his pockets. "i uh, you know. like you."

"you have to be very clear with me, soonyoung," you said. you moved towards him. not enough to be in his space, but enough to make his heart flutter again. "like me how."

"like -- romantically."

you echoed him, nodding slightly. then you brought your hands together, rubbing at your knuckles. "okay. so -- soonyoung --"

"wait," he called out, feeling his nerves spike. "if you're going to reject me, just like -- kick me in the ass and get me out, okay? don't try to sugarcoat it. i can take it. i'm a grown man."

"i'm not going to reject you, soonyoung," you said. "i just. i need to say something, okay? i just need you to listen to me."

soonyoung nodded, his heart speeding up in his chest. you weren't rejecting him. you were giving him a chance. "okay. i'll be quiet. promise."

you threw him a fond look, and then you schooled your face into a much more serious look. "okay. i need you to know that i'm -- i'm attracted to you, soonyoung. i have been ever since you helped me carry in those boxes last semester."

soonyoung mentally applauded himself for wearing a tank top that day. it was hot, the sun beating down on him. you had been going back and forth from your old office to this one, having been moved. and of course soonyoung had to help, doing all the heavy lifting so you wouldn't have to lift a pretty muscle.

"and i do think of you," you carried on, "i do. i -- it's stupid, it's reckless. but i think of you all the time. i nearly got you a tiger stuffie the other day just because you said they were your favorite animal, but that wouldn't be appropriate for a professor to get their student, would it?"

soonyoung opened his mouth. he would've loved a stuffed tiger from you!

but then you shot him a look, and he obediently quieted back down. "not done talking, soonyoung. as i was saying: i do think of you. i think of you a lot. when you wear those tank tops during class i can't think. and when you smile and your eyes crinkle, or when you get that serious look in your eyes? you're -- you're attractive, soonyoung. i'd have to be a fool to not see that.

"but, as attracted as i am to you, as much of a soft spot i have," you carried on, hands still fidgeting. "i think you might have a false perception of me. i'm -- you've only ever encountered me, been with me, in a professional teacher-student setting. you don't know me, soonyoung, not truly, and not as a person, as an individual."

soonyoung couldn't keep quiet. he took a quick step across the room, into your space, his hands swooping down to yours and holding them. "i want to! that's what dating is for, baby! i get to know you as a person, you get to know me. i learn about your likes and dislikes as a person and you forget about all the stupid grammar errors i made in essays! it's perfect!"

"and i am -- i was -- your professor, soonyoung," you murmured. you didn't take your hands from his, which he took as a positive. you shifted your hands so your fingers were laced with his, thumbs softly rubbing at his skin. "people aren't going to look too favorably on that, soonyoung. what about your parents."

he shrugged. "i'll tell them the truth. i kept my feelings to myself until i graduated from uni. there's nothing wrong with this, professor."

you shot him a look. he retracted, repeating the last sentence softly, tacking on your name at the end. it felt sweet, the taste of your name, felt right for him to use it.

he sighed softly. soonyoung moved closer, letting the tip of his nose pressed against yours. you let out a soft gasp and he couldn't help but smile. "i'm a grown man, y/n. let me get to know you, you get to know me. and then decide. let's have a chance before we throw it all away."

you breathed against him, eyes fluttering shut. he felt you nod against his head, and then you were pressing close, and who was soonyoung to protest? he was a man, weak with love, and so he took you into his arms and pressed his nose to your hairline, breathing you in, soaking in your embrace.

he had dreamed of this for over a year. a year he had kept his feelings away from you, not wanting to plague you with them. it was a burden he kept for a year, not wanting to make you uncomfortable with them.

but now --

soonyoung pulled away. you made a soft little questioning noise, and lifted your eyes to meet his. you were so soft, eyes sweet and mouth parted, pressed to him and, in that moment, his.

soonyoung lifted his hand and cupped the back of your neck, fingertips sinking into your hair. he guided your face to his, and when your lips met he swore it was destiny. for a moment the two of you just stilled, mouths pressed together in an innocent kiss.

but then you murmured his name, and soonyoung was hooked. he began pressing desperate, quick kisses to your lips, each movement of his mouth against yours slick. he kissed you with a year's worth of feelings bubbling over, one arm around your waist and the other on your neck, molding your body to his, letting him own you.

eventually you whimpered, breaking your mouth from his. his eyes caught sight of the string of saliva that connected your lips to his and he couldn't help but chase after it, press another wet kiss to your lower lip and suck.

"soonyoung," you mumbled, lashes fluttering. he continued to press quick kisses to your mouth, never letting up and not letting you speak. your mouth was addicting, he swore. he'd wanted to kiss you for forever, ever since that day you had whipped cream from your hot chocolate still on the bottom of your lip as you taught class, but he'd waited. he'd been a good boy and waited, and now he didn't have to and he wondered if that made the taste of your mouth and spit all the sweeter.

"'m here," he returned, voice just as slow. he pressed another kiss to the corner of your mouth, and then he was trailing his lips over your face. he was mapping out the rise of your cheeks, the slope of your nose with his mouth. "i'm here, baby."

"my name," you argued weakly. both of your hands went to his sleeves, gripping at his t-shirt, and if his dick wasn't interested before it definitely was now. he loved how you held him, as if you were just as desperate as he was, as if you had battled with your feelings this entire time just as much as he had. "say my name, soonyoung. please?"

he whispered your name, letting it tumble from his lips like a prayer. and then soonyoung was chanting it like he was a monk and you were his god, his mouth hot against your skin, reverent, worshiping.

"soon -- soonyoung," you moaned, pulling back. your mouth was red from his kisses, your eyes wide and pupils dilated. you were absolutely gorgeous. "soonyoung, you said you wanted to have fun, yeah?"

and then he was kissing you again, mouth like a storm against yours. he shoved his tongue into your mouth, sliding against yours. his hand went beneath your blouse, hiking it up and allowing him to glide his hand against your skin, grabbing at your stomach and waist. soonyoung walked you back until you were pressed against your desk, and then he detached his mouth from yours.

soonyoung made quick work of your blouse, fingers deftly pushing out the buttons. he let your blouse hang from your shoulders as his hands explored your chest, pressing against your breasts and grabbing at your hips. his mouth traveled to your neck, drawing out a loud gasp from you, and you tilted your head back, allowing him to make a mess of your throat.

he sucked and bit at your neck, marking it as his. he pressed heavy kisses to your skin, his hands quick against your body. your hands went to his shoulders, pulling at him, his name like a blessing as you chanted it.

then soonyoung pulled from you. he lifted you onto your desk, one of his hands forcing your long skirt up and up and up, baring your calves and then your knees and then your beautiful thighs.

"can i take your panties off?" he asked, breathless. he couldn't help but drink in your skin, eyes traveling over your thighs and stomach. "wanna stick my fingers in your cunt, professor."

you whimpered. "my name, soonyoung."

"sorry," he breathed, ducking to attach his mouth to your neck once again. he spoke between every kiss. "let me take your panties off, yeah? i've been dying to fuck you for months, baby. please? i'll be so good for you. promise."

you pressed your eyes shut, and then you were nodding. you lifted yourself off of the desk just enough to allow soonyoung to pull your panties (plain and practical, a pretty lilac cotton) down. he got them off of you and then, unable to help himself, lifted them up to his mouth and breathed.

you squealed, reaching out and smacking his arm. soonyoung ignored you for a moment, letting his eyes slide shut as he breathed in your heady scent. he was surrounded in you, breathing you in and out, your smell like heaven.

"soonyoung!" you protested, reaching for him again. you pulled at his arms and he let you, dropping your panties to the ground. "that's dirty!"

he laughed, helping you back on top of your desk. "i plan to do dirtier things than just smelling your wet panties, baby," he declared. you grinned, embarrassed and enthused at the same time. soonyoung couldn't help but press his mouth to yours again, languidly moving his lips against yours.

while he thoroughly kissed you, his hands went to your thighs. for a few moments all he did was massage your flesh, thumb digging in and fingers splayed. he felt the little hairs of your thighs, dipped his fingers in and brushed against your soft inner thighs. you were soft and plush beneath him, and he quickly found himself addicted to running his hands over your skin, brushing over your small hairs.

you whined at the back of your throat, and then you were opening your thighs for him. you moved your mouth from his with a slick noise, and, with a bashful look, grabbed his hand. soonyoung's breath left him as you guided his hand to your cunt. you gasped as his fingers brushed over your pussy, fingers tightening around his wrist.

soonyoung took over from there. he couldn't help but stare at your cunt, his fingers gently pressing against your cunt. "so fucking pretty," he mumbled, thumb and forefinger gently coming together on your mound and pinching ever-so-slightly. "even down here is pretty, professor."

you let out a small moan. the desk creaked beneath you as you moved back, hands bracing behind you. soonyoung couldn't help but take you in; the way your blouse hung from your torso, the hickies and bites on your neck and collar. you looked, to him, like paradise.

soonyoung went back to your cunt. he dipped his thumb between your lips, sucking in a heavy breath as your warmth trapped him. you were wet, and he couldn't help but bring his thumb up to his mouth and suck at your juices, groaning.

"soonyoung," you hissed. "that's  -- that's dirty!"

he laughed, and tucked his hand back to your cunt. his mouth went to yours, and he kissed you, hoping you could taste yourself on his tongue.

soonyoung's fingers dipped into your pussy. he took his time with your cunt and pleasure, unhurried. he stroked his hand down your cunt, gently pressed his forefingers into your quivering hole. your moans and gasps were music to his ears, and he played you beautifully. when he slipped two of his fingers into your cunt your mouth dropped open, eyes squeezing shut, and he couldn't help but wish he had a phone to take a picture of you.

your cunt was welcoming, eagerly guiding his fingers deeper and deeper, as if they were his cock and you were eager to be bred. he kept his mouth on your skin as he worked his fingers in you, spreading out your walls, gliding in and out, in and out, coaxing more wetness from your cunt.

he avoided your core, that special spot towards the front of your body. soonyoung took care to brush against it, a passing graze of his finger. he wouldn't let you cum, not yet.

"please," you whined after the nth time of him avoiding your core. "please, soonyoung. you're -- you're being mean."

he hummed, ducking his head and pressing his mouth to the top of your bra. "i don't think i am, sweet professor," he returned, voice sweet. "you're being so good for me, baby. whining and moaning, grinding into my hand. is it so bad that i don't want it to end? that i want you to keep fucking my fingers in you, that i want to keep hearing you beg?"

you furrowed your brows, looking up at him. your eyes were slightly wet with pent-up irritation, lips pressed in a firm line. despite your annoyance with soonyoung, when he drew his hands from your cunt your hips followed, eager for him to thrust them back in.

"please," you begged once more, sucking in your bottom lip. "please, soonyoung. i just -- i've waited so long, i want you to fuck me."

like a dog given a treat, soonyoung perked up. he grinned. he shifted his hand inside of you, drawing out a low moan. his thumb moved into your cunt, sliding between your pussy lips. "you've waited so long for me to fuck you," he cooed, voice sickly sweet, "tell me, professor. how long?"

you whined again, but when soonyoung refused to move, you relented. "the -- that day you helped me with the boxes. i felt so guilty, soonyoung. you were my student, and there i was ogling you like you were some -- some treat."

he laughed, using his free hand to brush back some hair that was beginning to stick to your forehead from sweat. "i'm happy you were so captivated by me," he softly murmured, thumb brushing over your lips. "thought i was a treat, did you? a special little treat for a good girl? a delicious little dessert for a little professor."

you shook your head. "no!"

soonyoung chuckled again. he worked his fingers in and out of you slowly, the sound of your juices lewd even to his ears -- but he loved it all the same. "poor little me," he taunted, "the unsuspecting student. just trying to help out my favorite teacher, just trying to be a good boy. and there you were, eyeing me like some piece of candy."

you whimpered. "i didn't -- i wouldn't have done anything."

soonyoung clicked his tongue. he moved his face to yours, pressing his forehead against yours. his breath was hot as he spoke. "you should've," he mumbled, voice low. "should've done something, professor. should've taken me to your office, should've locked the door and told me to fuck you. should've said you would've raised my grade if i fucked you well enough -- i would've done it, too.

"would've fucked you so good," he carried on, his words sinful. "would've fucked you on the floor, would've fucked your cute little cunt so good you would've cried."

he picked up the pace of his fingers thrusting inside of you, unable to keep himself from growing excited at the thought of you taking advantage of him. it never would've happened; you were too logical, too aware of your status above him. you never would've made a move on soonyoung as long as he was your student, and he would bet that if he hadn't come to your office and told you his feelings you would've bottled them up and set them aside, not wanting to burden a former student of yours.

not that you were ever a burden to him.

but, despite knowing all of this, soonyoung's mind continued to conjure up old fantasies, ones that plagued him at horrible moments and made his cock swell. "i thought about fucking you during class, you know. especially when you wore your skirts, professor. thought about pressing you over that desk in the front with everyone watching, jealous that it was me fucking our cute little teacher. would've fucked you so good and made you cry, too."

you let out a dry sob, and when his thumb grinded down on your clit, you came. your cunt tightened around his fingers, gripping them as if they were his cock instead. you fell back against the desk, arms collapsing. soonyoung hurried to wrap an arm around you, his fingers thrusting into you still, working you through your orgasm.

when he finally pulled his hand from your cunt, once you had begun shuddering and whining, his hand was soaked. he splayed his fingers, watching as thick strings of your juices and orgasm traveled, sliding down his fingers.

soonyoung let out a soft groan, and then he sucked his fingers into his mouth. he couldn't help but squeeze his eyes shut at your taste, loving how much you were. your cunt was fragrant, filling the air and his senses, and your taste was so delightfully bitter and sweet that he couldn't help but slide his tongue around his fingers, searching for more and more.

you whined, pulling at his hand. soonyoung opened his eyes, letting his fingers fall from his mouth with a pop. his heart thundered in his chest as you moved his hand to your mouth, pressing them into your warm heat and suckling.

"fuck," he groaned, voice going hoarse. your eyes slid shut as you ran your tongue over his digits, tasting him. "you --"

you pulled his fingers from your mouth. "me what?"

he laughed, and then his hands were on your body again. he maneuvered you roughly, pulling you off of the desk and before him. soonyoung turned you around, and with one hand began pressing at your back, guiding you to lay your front along your desk. with his other hand -- the one you had had in your mouth -- he pulled at your skirt again, bunching the fabric around your middle.

"gonna fuck you hard," he rambled, mind unfiltered at the repeating image of you sucking on his fingers. "gonna fuck you into the desk, gonna make you fucking cry, professor."

you whined, and then you were pressing your ass back to him. he couldn't help but pinch at the plumpness before him, drawing out a startled shriek from your mouth. soonyoung held your waist with one hand while he scrambled at his pants and underwear with his other hand. once his dick was free, red and angry from neglect, he used his other hand to guide it into your warm, drenched cunt.

soonyoung hissed as the tip of his cock caught against your hole, biting down onto his lip. he was going to fuck you. "can't believe i'm gonna shove my cock into your pussy," he murmured aimlessly, his words without any true intent (despite what that, his filthy words had your cunt fluttering and clenching, heart hammering). "fucking dreamed of this, baby. now i getta fuck your cute cunt, get to fucking breed you --"

his cock slowly pushes into you, and soonyoung thinks he's in heaven. he has to be. your warmth surrounds him, so tight that he swears he can't breathe. soonyoung continues to push into you as he rambles on and on, one of his hands on your hip while the other slides into your hair, twisting it around his fingers.

"fucking feels so good, baby," he breathed, biting down on his lip. "clenching around my dick like you wanna be bred. is that it? my little professor wants to be bred by their student? be fucked over a desk by a student. gonna own your cunt, professor, gonna fuck it and cream all over it and make it mine."

you sobbed, and then he was sliding all the way in. it felt so good, felt like heaven was in your cunt. you were warm and tight, and when he gave a little thrust into you your pussy clenched around him.

he pushed your body against the desk as he slowly dragged his cock out of your pussy. "fuck, baby. my cock is drenched in your juices. got my cock all wet like a good little professor, babe."

"soon --" you began, but then he fucked into you roughly, breaking you off. you moaned loudly, hands scrambling against your desk. you knocked over a mug of pens and markers -- a mug he recognized as one another student got you for your birthday.

a surge of heat rushed through him. it wasn't the heat he got from watching you teach, from watching your ass as you moved back and forth in front of the board. it was the heat he got watching that student present that mug to you like it was a fucking diamond ring or some shit.

soonyoung gritted his teeth, and then he was laying on top of you, pressing you against the desk. you sobbed at the shift in position, his dick thrusting into you sharply. soonyoung bit at your shoulder, voice muffled as he spoke into your skin. "wonder what the other students would think," he said, "seeing me mount you and breed you. seeing me fuck you into your desk, seeing you cry for my cock all desperate."

"soonyoung," you whined, turning your face. you had a tear caught on your lashes, lips red from where you had bitten at them. you were beautiful. you were perfect. "don't want 'em to see me," you babbled, "want only you."

a flush of pride traveled through him. soonyoung grinned, and he lifted himself off of you. both of his hands went to your hips, and then he was practically impaling you on his cock, shoving into you so roughly that the desk began rattling.

"that's fucking right," he hissed. your ass bounced from every thrust, the slap of his thighs against your ass beautiful. "only i getta see you like this, only i getta fuck your tight little pussy, professor. getta see you cry for my cock."

soonyoung reached down, feeling along your cunt where his cock fed into you. he slipped his fingers along your pussy until he was brushing along your clit. you cried out as he began roughly pressing at your clit, working furiously at you, demanding your release.

"fuck me," you sobbed, burying your face into your desk. "fuck me, soonyoung, fuck me, fuck me --"

soonyoung cursed, and then he was slipping out of your pussy. with rough hands he turned you back around, your knees on either side of him, chest heaving. soonyoung couldn't help but watch your breasts as you breathed heavily, watched them move. he rubbed at his dick, absolutely soaked and glistening with your pussy juices, drinking in the feast that was you.

he came on your body, long, thick spurts of spunk. you cried out softly as he painted you with his cream, covering your stomach and breasts.

soonyoung let his dick flop once he was done, and then he was moving you once again. he grabbed your knees and forced them up, so your cunt was visible to him. soonyoung couldn't help but whisper another curse at the sight of your drenched pussy.

and then he was diving in, his mouth slopping along your cunt. he moaned at the taste of your juices, sucking them in and drinking you like a parched man. soonyoung slurped at your clit, inhaling harshly as he licked along it feverishly, your taste a dessert he'd never give up.

soonyoung's tongue found your clit, and then he was lapping at it eagerly. you were moaning loudly, and when he pulled away to slap his hand over your clit your entire body shivered, legs going tight around his head.

soonyoung focused on your clit and pussy. he lapped at it, drank at it; he slapped your pussy, the sting countered by his eager tongue.

when you came you sobbed, legs tight around his head. he ate you through it, his heart swelling with warmth as your cunt gushed around him, juices staining his skin.

you chanted his name between sobs, and soonyoung wished he had his phone out so he could record it and set it as his ringtone.

when he finally pulled away, you were whining. tears stained your face, and you looked thoroughly debauched. you reached out for him all the same, and soonyoung took you into his arms gladly.

he lowered himself to the floor, happy to keep you on his lap. you curled into him, tucking your face into his neck. both of you were clothed, but no amount of clothes could conceal your dirty acts. your stomach was painted from his spunk, your blouse hanging around your elbows. your skirt was bunched around your middle, and the longer you sat on his lap the more of your juices and his cum leaked down onto his pants, dirtying them further.

the two of you were a mess. his hair was sticking to his face, and his fingers smelled like cunt. your neck was decorated in severe bites and hickeys, and your eyes were red from your tears.

but still, soonyoung couldn't help but think it was perfect.

[livelaughloveluffy]

comfort - black leg sanji

a/n: happy halloween!!! here's a treat for you! 💗 this will be a new fic series, and who else would i write for first but my dearly beloved sanji 😭 (i cant remember if i used this picture before but i literally love it so much i cant be bothered 😭😭 his hair just looks so fluffy and soft 😭😭😭😭😭)

a/n: guys... i know i said i wasn't going to do the whole songs paired with fics thing.... but like..... in honor of a new ethel cain single being out tomorrow i feel like i absolutely must pair this fic with this song 😭😭😭

nothing but fluff here 💗

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when he comforts you:

-sanji's first instinct when it comes to comforting you, is to pull you tight into his arms, your face buried into his chest, one arm wrapped around your waist, rubbing soft circles into the smalls of your back, and the other hand placed on your head, gently stroking your hair. it's his secret to getting you to take deeper breaths because he knows you'll be utterly consumed in the scent of his cologne, now wrapped around you like a warm blanket

-he'll softly murmur in your ear phrases like ; "i'm right here, mon amour", "everything will be okay", "i'll stay here for as long as you like mon cheri. i'm not going anywhere."

-when the two of you can't be alone, he'll always have a reassuring hand on you, whether his hand is on your thigh with his thumb rubbing slow circles into your skin or placed on your back. or when he's trying to be more subtle he'll hold pinky's with you.... he'll always find some way to touch you, its nice to have a physical reminder that he's right there and not going anywhere

-when you don't really want to talk, he'll softly hum... the same way he does when he's concentrated on the meal he's preparing, or when he's just content and happy.... a song only the two of you know, since you're the only one ever close enough to him to hear it

-this man gives literally the best advice.. however, he only does so when you explicitly ask for it. his advice and perspective is really pragmatic and understanding, he always considers every possible point of view and takes lots of time to consider your dilemma before he offers an opinion

-if you're sick, injured, or on your period; he's catering to your every need. comfort foods and cravings are made without you even mentioning them (he totally tracks your whole cycle to stay ahead of the game, even if your irregular he somehow always knows) cuddles are frequent and necessary, he's on top of meds always giving them to you at the same time, making sure you take them, even when you say you don't need them or want them, his soft gentle voice is oozing with affection as the words "you'll feel better if you take them, mon amour". you're never alone, ever. when he can't be in your room or in bed with you, he'll carry you to the kitchen, make you wrap your legs around his waist and put arms around his neck, and he'll hold you while he cooks, taking extra care to make sure he's not bumping you against the counters. sanji's 100% an acts of service type man, so he'll do anything and everything, and no amount of protesting will change that.

when he needs comforting:

-he finds a great deal of comfort in cuddling, just the physical closeness of you; your warmth, your soft perfume, everything about you really eases his mind. sanji prefers cuddling while facing each other, he'll bury his face in the crook of your neck with your hand gently tangled into his soft blonde locks. his hair is his ultimate reminder of safety and comfort, so with your fingers softly playing and intertwined in it, he can breathe a bit easier.

-my baby absolutely melts with words of affirmation, this man thrives off of praise, so when he's feeling down gentle reminders of everything you love about him, how much you love him, how amazing he is, helps him remember exactly how lucky he is to have you

-quality time is an absolute must. the last thing sanji wants when he's upset is to be alone, so even if he doesn't really want to talk, just having you by his side is more than enough. the absolute farthest you could be away from him is 10 feet, anything more than that, and he'll just come and get you, wrapping his arms around one of yours and gently cling to you

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a/n: god, i love sanji more than life itself 😭😭😭

a/n: enjoyed this fic? here's my masterlist!!

[rubyin-wonderland]

Zoro's Girl

opla!Zoro x reader, Sanji x reader

Summary: Sanji wishes that he had Zoro's girl

WC: 4.6k

Warnings/tags: fem!reader, same deal as Sanji's Girl but the other way around, I think I angsted a little too close to the sun with this one, hurt/no comfort, reciprocated feelings, sad ending

Note: hope you enjoy this and I'm sorry in advance

Sanji's Girl

Sanji watches as you present your latest masterpiece to the crew. It's a majestic sight, three levels of cake, each a different flavour, and decorated intricately with frosting you made from scratch.

He had been doing a kitchen checkup as you worked on the cake, tiny delicate details on the side and a masterful recreation of the jolly roger which sat atop the mountain of cake.

You had been incredibly focused while you worked, hardly paying any mind to the outside world, only ever looking up when somebody entered the room, only to almost immediately return to your work.

The presentation received a fair amount of impressed applause. You smiled, and Sanji couldn't help but smile as well. The applause was certainly deserved, knowing the effort that had been put into it.

"Let's cut it up!" Luffy declared excitedly, much more excited to taste the art then to look at it.

You gladly set the cake down on the table, picking up a knife and asking around for what flavor everyone wanted.

After you were finished serving, you took a piece for yourself, and settled into the chair next to Zoro, smiling up at him. "Is it good?" You asked expectantly.

"Yes." He said simply, already working on a mouthful of the cake.

Sanji rolled his eyes. Of course that was all he had to say. The fool wouldn't know how to compliment food if his life was on the line.

A simple "yes" was hardly enough to explain how good your baking had been. In Sanji's opinion, the cake had been light but not too airy. It had baked evenly and the buttercream miraculously melded with each flavour of cake with no effort at all. As for the presentation, you had put an unbelievable amount of detail into the sides, tiny decals representing each of your crewmates, which just added to the emotional aspect of this act. He also thought about how you had carefully sourced every ingredient, and he hoped you knew your dedication was not unappreciated.

He was planning on telling you all of this, but you were too busy at Zoro's side, cozied up against the seemingly indifferent man.

Of course Sanji understood that you were Zoro's girlfriend. You had every right to curl up at his side, intimate and loving, but that never stopped Sanji's blood from boiling. You were so intelligent, talented and gorgeous. How in the world had you fallen for Zoro?

The whole crew had been surprised when the two of you first displayed your affections to each other. Neither of you had shown any previous indications and the two of you never explicitly stated what was going on. Lucky enough for the two of you, what was going on was quite obvious, so there was no need for explanation.

The relationship infuriated Sanji to no end, but he kept his mouth shut about it. This matter was none of his business, even if his brain demanded an answer out of you. No matter how hard he tried, it just confused him. Like a convoluted math equation, the facts never added up. It felt wrong.

Whatever the reason, you had picked Zoro. You seemed happy enough, so no concerns were ever brought up.

You sat now, leaning over the space between your chairs, against Zoro, head against his body as you looked contentedly at everyone enjoying the fruits of your labour.

A chorus of compliments were sent across the table, telling you about how good the cake was and thanking you for your surprise. You grinned, taking in the praise and feeling a little bashful about the compliments being poured onto you.

"It was nothing." You kept insisting, as if the process had not taken up a big portion of your time and attention over the past two days.

There were multiple calls for seconds, and a few for thirds, until everyone's dinner was as good as ruined, save only for your bottomless pit of a captain.

Eventually, once everyone had had their fill, you set aside the rest of the cake and everyone slowly left. You stayed behind, to clean the dishes, still giddy that everything had turned out so well.

Sanji waited to tell you his opinions until Zoro had gone, not wanting to be on the receiving end of the man's anger.

Zoro left the kitchen soon enough, but not without pressing a kiss to your cheek, an action that made you smile.

It was a special smile that was drawn from his kiss. There was a calmness to the smile, one not shared in the other ones you bore. You only smiled like this when you were perfectly happy. The smile was only ever unlocked by certain things. Things like a sunset, magnificent and mesmerizing, getting to sit down after a long day's work, or the silence that followed after a good bout of laughter. And Zoro, Sanji supposed.

Admittedly, Sanji wished he was the reason for that smile. It was a desperation no other thing compared to. He wanted you to feel comfortable enough, calm and satisfied, to allow your lips to break into that lovely smile.

Once Zoro was gone, Sanji sauntered up to you at the sink, pulling up a towel to begin drying the dishes for you, helping you put them away.

"That was an excellent cake." Sanji said, breaking you from the personal bubble you seemed to be trapped in. You looked up, present in the conversation, and no longer focused on scrubbing a stubborn fork.

"Oh. Oh! Thank you!" Your face broke out into a smile as you processed what he said, but not the right one. Sanji still took it as a win, even if there was a pang in his heart when he thought about it.

"It was immaculate. Rich, delicate cake with a creamy, thick buttercream. I've never had better." Sanji decided to risk a little flirt since Zoro was away. "As perfect as the woman who made it."

He saw you process the compliment, a tiny laugh escaping you. "Thank you Sanji."

Your lackluster response made his heart clench again. It was not unusual for him nowadays. For obvious reasons, you did not reciprocate his more than platonic words, a fact he understood, but it hurt all the same.

Every time he waited for a response from you his heart beat nervously, pleading with you to return his feelings, but he had no such luck, to the point that he had grown used to the feeling of pain in his chest whenever he spoke with you.

Sanji stayed silent for the rest of the chore, trying not to push you further. Before leaving the galley you said a soft goodbye, and left him alone.

He wondered how it had come to this. Surely he was missing something. Some forgotten piece in the puzzle that was his relationship with you. You were friends, certainly. You liked helping out around the kitchen and were usually sitting around the galley, ready to be of assistance.

The worst thing Sanji could think about was the time before Zoro. The time when it was just you and him, and he had suspected that you wanted a romantic relationship with him as much as he did with you.

A foolish thought now, seeing where your interests lay, but one he had all the same. One that haunted his nights and stuck to him during the days, one that piled upon itself, splitting into several different futures, possibilities that would never be.

Besides the heartaches, he had found his stomach growing restless when he thought too long about the possibilities. The infinities where he had ended up with you, the infinities where you despised him for his actions. It weighed on him heavily.

Had he had a chance with you? He doubted he would ever know. Before your relationship, there had been flirting on his part, of course. He worked in two fields, the kitchen and flattery. And since your main habitat was his first interest, you became deeply entwined with the second.

So maybe he had been too hopeful when he noticed your reciprocal actions. Teasing him back, something that would make him go red, his face burning and his heart pounding.

"I've never seen such a beautiful baker in my life." He had said as you carried a tray of cookies from the oven to the island. The words slipped off his tongue easily. You cocked an eyebrow, a smile spreading across your face. "What a nice thing to hear from the handsomest chef I know of."

He had nearly lost his mind. Every second of the interaction was burned into his head, scarred into the matter of his brain. The look on your face, the tone of your voice, the words and how you pronounced each one. It choked him and pulled him back to you. Even after you were tied to Zoro.

That damned swordsman.

Sanji wanted to know why. What the moronic man offered you to make you so enchanted with him. Did you not care for his constant affection? Did you find it overbearing? He could stop, of course. Anything for you. He would never say another of his pick-up lines if you were to be with him. Of course it would kill him, but it was an easy price to pay for your love.

When Sanji finished drying the dishes, he began to make dinner, typically a lengthy process, but with the burden of the thoughts in his head, it would pass by in no time at all.

He thought about your reciprocation again. Several instances between your first comment and when you had first presented yourself with Zoro. Instances where he was sure something would come from your words.

That had to have meant something. You would never lead him on, would you? The very thought disgusted Sanji. To accuse you of something so awful. You would never. His heart clenched.

Perhaps you had no idea what your words meant to him, unknowing of how romantic your words had been, but he doubted it heavily. There had been a glint in your eyes when you said those things. Certainly you had meant it. He felt insanity creeping into his head, closing in on his thoughts, when the galley door opened. In came Nami.

"Nami!" He was relieved to see someone to distract him from his constant thoughts of you. "Is there anything I can get you?" He asked, instantly trying his hand at flattering her.

It felt hollow now. His heart was not in it. He said the words out of instinct, no feeling behind his actions. Of course he liked Nami, she was a lovely woman, smart, gorgeous, and more than capable of protecting herself. But she wasn't you. And that was a fact he was beginning to cling a little too tightly to.

"No, I'm good. It was just getting too loud out there." Nami grumbled, laying out a map on the table, beginning to work.

Sanji remained silent, looking at the food cooking in front of him, a heavy blanket of sadness to cover him.

"What's wrong?" Nami asked. Sanji nearly jumped out of his skin. "What?" He sputtered over the word.

"What's wrong? you usually can't wait to call me gorgeous. What is wrong?"

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong! I was just so stunned by your beauty I forgot how to act!" The excuse was weaker than usual. Nami set down her pencil. "No, seriously. What's going on with you?"

Sanji debated talking about it. You were taken. That was something he needed to deal with. Clinging to it would do nothing but hurt him.

He said your name, head sinking shamefully to the floor. Nami sighed, sounding unsurprised.

"I figured." She hummed, walking up to stand across from him at the island. "You're upset because she's with Zoro, right?"

It humiliated him to nod. He felt so small. It felt like such a silly thing to be upset over.

"What does she even see in him?" Sanji asked suddenly, moving to a saucepan, stirring furiously as he worked. "I mean he's strong, but so am I. What else?" Nami shrugged. "I don't know, but she really likes him." Sanji tried not to whine at how unfair it was. "I know that."

"Why are you so stuck on her?" Nami asked. "You aren't one to discriminate when it comes to your advances."

Sanji wanted to rant for hours about every time you gave even the slightest indication of appreciating his advances, followed by another rant about every time you flirted back, but he knew if he let himself run for too long, he would never stop talking.

"I thought she liked me back." It sounded stupid. How devastating to be in love over a few simple sentences you had said however long ago. "But now I don't."

He finished stirring the sauce, opting to shake up the sauteed vegetables.

He heard the door open again, immediately losing every indication of being vulnerable. As if he had not just been talking about his unending, unyielding admiration for you.

"Need any help in here?" You asked casually, an iron vice closing around Sanji's heart. Of course you would appear, helpful as ever during such an inconvenient time.

"No, I'm quite alright!" He regained his typical candor, trying to make sure there was no indication that anything was wrong could slip through.

Nami retreated back to the table. "Not busy with Zoro?" She asked you, partly for Sanji's sake and partly just to know. "No, he wanted to work out, so I figured I'd check out dinner." You smelled the air. "Smells good."

"Nothing but the best for you." Sanji said quickly, hardly any effort put in to give the compliment.

"Oh stop." You said with a laugh. And with a single moment, Sanji was struck with doubt again. It sounded like a joke, deflecting the compliment with a request for him to stop, but doubt picked at him. Did you mean it? Did you really want him to stop? Were you just trying to appease him?

He continued to work in silence, trying to hide the blush completely overtaking his face.

On one hand, he was delighted to have you there, but on the other, it was completely inconvenient to have you arrive just as he was finally talking about it with Nami.

And on a third hand, Sanji had another little bit of your relationship with Zoro to chew on while he worked.

Always working out, always training, practicing to achieve his dreams. Preoccupied with his life's work. Not you. Whenever he was practicing he ignored you, and even when he was present, he rarely seemed to show you affection. No hugs or kisses, nothing beyond what you initiated. An arm around your waist, maybe, or a quiet whisper against your ear. Nothing else.

How could you have gone from flirting with the most openly affectionate, caring and giving member of the crew to Zoro, who seemingly did none of those things? How could you go through such a change?

Were you secretly not interested in such bold affection? Was that why? Why you had chosen Zoro?

It hardly mattered. Sanji had reached no solid answer by the time he was done cooking, and after serving the meal, he was too fixated on subtly observing you and Zoro. Perhaps he would be able to see something. The smallest, most insignificant detail, that would crack the glass wall keeping him from finding the answer.

Instead of an answer, he got caught staring.

"What're you looking at?" Zoro asked, tone harsh, accusatory. Your head shot up next to him, following his eyeline to Sanji. "What?" You asked, looking between the two, keeping your voice regulated, a soft considerate tone. "What is it?"

"The cook's been looking at me all night." Zoro accused, pointing his knife at Sanji. "Relax." You said gently, tapping the knife, getting Zoro to put it down. "Sanji," you decided to ask him instead of Zoro. "What were you doing?"

Sanji came up with an answer quickly, hardly having to think before his reply slipped through his lips. "I was wondering if he was enjoying his dinner."

He felt lucky that he had not spoken the truth, knowing that would create a massive rift from which he doubted there would ever be a solution to.

"Zoro," your attention turned to your boyfriend, already problem solving. "Are you enjoying dinner?" You were not considered a peacekeeper for nothing.

Zoro grumbled under his breath, a word not heard by the rest of the room. You asked him to repeat it. "Yes." The word was dragged from his gritted teeth, a struggle with his answer. "Yeah. It's good."

"Good. No trouble." And then you smiled. It was not your special smile, but Sanji was just pleased to see the sign of happiness anyways. You were so gorgeous when you smiled.

"Back to the meal." You announced, and all was well with the world.

But not for Sanji. He spent the rest of the meal with an ache in his stomach, wondering what he had done to deserve this feeling of loss.

At the end of the meal, Sanji was more than happy to leave the dishes to someone else, taking his leave, but bringing a glass of sweet wine with him.

While the crew gathered for a drink above deck, in the open air of the night, Sanji retreated, not wanting to join them. He claimed to be tired, but he had no intentions of sleeping. Instead, he hung around the ship, in and out of rooms, wandering until he found a good place to silk, sipping at his wine in an attempt to quell his heartache.

He was foolish for thinking that you wanted him. The flirting must have been out of pity, he must have been too blinded by you to see what had been brewing between you and Zoro. There were thousands upon thousands of excuses for why he had felt the way he did. How could he be so idiotic?

"Hey."

You stood in the open doorway, casually holding onto a bottle of wine by its tapered neck.

"You alright?" You asked Sanji, looking at him in the darkness of the room, only illuminated by a small window filtering in moonbeams.

Sanji sighed in response. He doubted he could muster the strength to put on a happy facade with the weight on his chest.

"Yes." His false levity in his voice did nothing to hide his true state, and you were not tricked in the slightest. "I'm fine, you should go back to the party."

You shook your head firmly, stepping inside the room. "You are my best friend here. I won't let you suffer alone."

"Best friend?" The words shocked Sanji. He spared a glance at you, turning away from the window, the shadows shifting.

"Of course!" You swirled the wine gently, liquid splashing against the walls of its glass home. "We're always in the kitchen, you know? There's nobody else on this ship I see as much of." You hiccuped a laugh. "Well, maybe one."

After an awkward pause, you reached out with the bottle, an offering to Sanji. "More wine?"

He hesitated. He wanted too tell you to leave again, to let him suffer in peace, but he also could go for another glass.

"Please." You urged. "Talk to me. I'm worried for you." Your voice made his heavy heart flutter for a second before it sunk again.

He extended the arm with the glass, a lump in his throat as he accepted your offer.

You began to pour carefully. "Why aren't you up there? This room isn't between the deck and the kitchen." Sanji observed, hoping to briefly draw your attention away from his troubled mind.

"Oh." Your steadiness wavered a bit, and the wine bottle shook, a few stray droplets hitting the floor.

You curled in on yourself. "Me and Zoro got a little angry at each other." You explained simply, the bottle now held close to your chest. "He brought up the dinner thing again and it got heated, so I let to cool down. It wasn't anything big, just a simple argument."

You coughed once, signalling the end of your exposure, topping off Sanji's glass and taking a sip for yourself, straight from the bottle. Sanji said nothing about it. "Your turn. Why are you hiding here?"

Sanji's organs felt like they had been crushed with a pile of bricks. "I've been feeling lonely." He said, avoiding the whole truth.

"Come on, I spent half the day with you in the kitchen, am I not enough?" You asked playfully.

"No, you're plenty." Sanji coughed, hearing the rude undertones of his words. "That is, plenty beautiful."

He heard you sigh. "Sanji, you don't have to do that right now."

He felt stupid. Of course. You hated flirting. You preferred Zoro, with his straightforwardness, always speaking his mind, even if it was impolite.

"Sorry, I just-" The words caught in his throat. Should he just spit it out? Admit the truth and get it all over with? Tell you how every woman he had met since you was a mere shadow compared to your presence? To hear your reaction and subsequent rejection in favour of your boyfriend? To tell you of the times he had thought, ever so stupidly, that you had liked him back, now knowing that you had eyes for someone else?

He had never felt this way before. Lovesick had taken him before, but it had never held on so tightly. He despised the feeling.

"What's wrong?" You asked simply. Your voice offered no judgement, just a promise that you would be there for him. A support.

With a twisting in his gut, he answered truthfully.

"I'm in love with you."

Despite all his expectations, he did not feel better. Instead, he watched your reaction, as your face shifted through emotions, processing what he had said.

Your brows furrowed and your mouth set in a straight line, opening the smallest amount, as if you were about to reply, but your mouth shut once more, not ready to say anything else.

"Oh." Was all you could muster at first. "Sanji, I-"

He backed away, not ready to hear your rejection. "It's fine. You don't have to feel the same way, of course." He scrambled to save himself this agony.

He pressed a hand to his forehead in a futile attempt at relieving the pressure, wishing he had gotten a cigarette out before the conversation had started. "I know you don't feel the same way. And that's okay."

"I didn't say-" You protested, hoping Sanji would listen to your plea. Your mind filtered through why you wanted to say, running through your own collection of memories with Sanji, kept tucked away for days when Zoro was being distant, or had only said a hasty good morning or good night to you.

"You're with..." Sanji could not bear to speak the name of the man who held your heart. "Him. And I will be okay with that."

He wanted all this to end. He wished he could go back, to the way things were, back when he was bewitched by any woman who he saw on the street, each and every one a beauty in their own right. But now he clung to you. The memories of a few cute words and the feelings that had spread for them.

"Wait." Your voice wavered, but you managed to get Sanji to stop rambling. "Do you mean that?"

Sanji practically laughed. He meant the words with every cell in his body, from the finest hairs on his head to the very tips of his toes. Your presence warmed him, tickling his insides. He was so in love with you he hardly knew what to do with himself anymore.

"Yes. I mean it."

You took a step back, shifting your weight from one leg to the other. "I'm with Zoro." You said quietly, not a rejection per se, but a fact that needed to be said before anything continued.

"I know." Sanji took a long sip of his wine, practically emptying the glass by the end.

"Is there something else you want to say?" You asked, sensing the weight he still held with him. His shoulders were still heavy.

"I thought..." He cursed at himself. "I thought that you might feel the same. At least a little."

The two of you sat in a blanket of silence, weighing the both of you down. What were you supposed to say about that? That you had fallen in love with him as well, but feared that his flirting had been a farce? That you thought he flirted out of pity and that it was always a fake smile on his face? That you had picked Zoro because his brutal honesty always meant that you knew what he was truly thinking and what he did or did not like?

"Did you?" The question weakly drew itself from Sanji's lips, his head firmly facing the floor, tension running through every muscle.

Your hand reached behind you, shutting the door, the latch clicking into place. Alone now, nobody could hear your answer.

"I did." You finally answered after a long stretch of silence, your hand still loosely wrapped around the door handle.

Now Sanji felt the weight lift. You had felt the same, as he had suspected. If you told him you hated him now, he would have hardly cared. No matter what happened now, you had, at one point, felt the same.

Another long silence. Neither of you moved. "I did." You repeated. "But I thought your didn't."

Sanji's heart hurt once more, heartbroken to know his advances had seemed disingenuous.

"I'm sorry." He apologized quickly. "I did too." He breathed a long sigh of relief, his knees weak, leaning against the wall.

"Sanji," your tone frightened him. "This doesn't change anything." Your voice was soft, and in the moonlight, he could see the shine of tears in your eyes. "I'm still with Zoro, and I'm happy with him-" "That's okay." Sanji settled himself, standing up straight. "That's okay. Now you know. Now we both know." His gaze drifted to the floor and stayed there.

After a while, he turned away, facing the window again. "You can go back to the deck now, if you'd like."

Your hands tightened around the door handle and the wine bottle. "Are you okay? Or at least better?" You asked, knowing the answer to your first question was no, and the answer to the second could not change the first.

"I'll be fine." Sanji answered, hoping that in time, it could become true.

You heard your name called from the hall. Zoro had come to apologize. You bowed your head at Sanji. "I should probably talk to him."

Sanji jolted. "No. Not about this. About our argument." You said defensively.

"Right. Of course." His voice was strained. He looked back one last time, nodding at you, a movement you returned. You opened the door, walking out and shutting the door behind you.

"Zoro." "I'm sorry." "Me too. Let's go back."

Sanji listened until the conversation went out of his reach. Until he could no longer hear your voice.

He turned around, sitting against the wall, letting the moonlight shine in unfiltered. An empty glass sat in his hand. He should have asked for a refill before you left.

At least he had been right. You had liked him back. Unfortunately, you had not chosen him, and so it would not be.

He still loved you, and he expected there would always be a part of him that would long for you eternally, but maybe he could eventually go back to normal. Maybe he could find someone else. Of course they would not be perfect, they would never hold a light to you, but they would be beautiful and caring and gentle, and maybe, just maybe, he would get over you, but he doubted it.

[thewertsearch]

@relaxxattack asked: hi, maxx the troll romance guy again. ₊ ⊹ ☆ it’s finally my moment for me to bust out my big quadrant talk! as in, i had the time to sit down and write this. (and apologies in advance for subjecting you to this much nerdiness. hopefully, it’s at least somewhat illuminating, to make up for that). i’m not sure what your current opinions on troll romance are, but i wanted to discuss the idea that kismesissitude is inherently unhealthy / impossible to achieve by teenaged trolls. lots of people who read homestuck get very stuck on the idea that kismesissitude is a feeling of hatred. they run with their human assumptions of this word, imagining that a kismesissitude is an angry, horrible relationship of abuse and hurt. but, if you’ll bear with me, it’s actually shown throughout the comic that this is completely untrue. trolls do not use the word hate the same way that we do. in fact, this is pretty obvious, because they also continuously use the word “pity” in a completely different way than we do. each of these are actually more related to a completely different word: LOVE.

you can see, in this initial conversation surrounding quadrants, that trolls consider hate and pity to actually come from the same exact place (though they consider that a negative thing). you can also see in that conversation that you need a good mix of both for any of the quadrants to work. karkat calls vriska out on supposedly “hating people too much” in a way that would “make her a bad kismesis”. this tells us almost immediately off the bat that A. even other trolls consider vriska and tavros’s relationship unbalanced and unhealthy! and B. each quadrant needs a proper mix of emotions for a proper relationship. a lot of people assume that kismeses are “supposed” to kill each other, mainly because of the fate of jack noir and the queen. this, too, is a misunderstanding. jack noir and the queen, like mom and dad who they are explicitly paralleling, are meant to be regarded as tragic. both couples end in tragedy, as expected for almost every “parental figure” in homestuck; this is unrelated to their kismesissitude.

in fact, in this conversation eridan has with kanaya, it is stated that a kismesissitude that ends in deaths is an extremely rare, powerfully tragic romance that happens “once in ten thousand years”– and immediately after, it is stated that a kismesissitude that might become like this needs an auspistice. that’s right, trolls are so committed to healthy kismesissitudes that they have an entire system in place to stop them from becoming toxic. the vriska/kanaya/tavros auspisticism, while a failure on every conceivable level, was born out of the necessity that the other trolls considered vriska’s torment of tavros unhealthy. even among her fellow trolls, in a society that explicitly encouraged casteiesm and ableism, vriska’s treatment of tavros was still considered too toxic for a proper kismesissitude.

vriska and eridan, who were in a kismesissitude before vriska became bored of eridan, were allies in their roleplaying games. much like the ancestors they were emulating, (who even supposedly “cherished” their own black relationship!); they explicitly traded and shared their rewards and goods with each other because of their romantic relationship with each other, and were said to work together in flarp well enough to be feared by others. of course, they also competed with each other to be the best– because they are rivals– but rivalry does not constitute toxticity. they called each other “allies” and “competitors”. not enemies. though perhaps being enemies would be an interesting kismesis slowburn; in the end, two kismesis should not kill each other. they are on the same team. how could they not be, when trolls believe in one troll who is literally destined to be their perfect rival, a life partner who they must have a long-term relationship with in order to properly meet the alternian drone rules? killing each other makes no feasible sense.

as vriska and eridan talk about here, a rivalry between trolls is something fun for both of them. that is why they must hate each other “equally”-- they need to feel on equal footing, so that they can both have fun. that’s what a rivalry is for trolls. it’s fun! (fun fact: another definition of the word "rival" is "an equal"). (eridan’s pitch solicitation towards sollux is absolutely laughable in comparison. he throws meaningless, casteist insults, and sollux does not give a single fuck about him. as other trolls mention; this is very obviously fake. they are clearly not feeling anything mutual or respectful for each other. he merely is trying to goad feferi into an ashen retaliation with his shitty pitch advances, and it’s not even working.) and that brings me finally to john and karkat. i remember seeing confusion on this blog about the nature of karkat’s feelings– 'why is he helping john? doesn’t he ‘hate’ him? he must not REALLY feel pitch romance for him, and he’s just confused.' well you see, that’s the thing. the reason karkat’s first message to john was a love poem is because that is what kismesissitude is. it was karkat’s way of saying; “you’re special to me. i would like to bug you to see if you feel the same way.” it’s not as if strangely romantic healthy rivalries between teenagers are even an unheard of or new concept. they’re fairly common in television shows and anime; hell there’s even multiple tvtropes pages for them! it’s not impossible that two people in a story could have a healthy rivalry fun enough that they both end up missing it should it be gone. (looking at you, perry and doof.) it’s even more likely that teenagers, as vibrant and strange as their many emotions can be, could pull this off. of course, they make lots of mistakes. they’re young teenagers raised on the murder ableism planet. of course most of the shit they try to do is unhealthy. they make just as many earth-like mistakes with their hearts as they do with their spades. that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, or bad for them to try. especially since pairs like vriska and eridan seem to have even pulled it off! basically, what i’m saying is, they’re like sasuke and naruto (reference). let teenagers have hatecrushes! it’s cuter than you think! :P [if it isn’t obvious, this is all super lighthearted and silly. unfortunately it’s my brand to be the guy who’s REALLY passionate about troll romance. i sincerely hope this wasn’t too hard to read, and i’m really sorry about submitting such a long thing, but i couldn’t manage to cut it down any further 😭 have a great rest of your night/day!]

(Images added by me - partially for illustrative purposes, and partially because Tumblr tends to complain when a single block-quote is that large.)

Love love love this detailed breakdown. It outlines a blackrom framework which is a lot more nuanced than the infodump's original description of kismesissitude. There's a lot of really interesting stuff here, and I've actually been working on this response for the past week, while AFKing on my Minecraft server.

As you can imagine, I agree with many of the points raised here, and disagree with others. I think the best approach is to go through the essay point-by-point, and break down my thoughts.

lots of people who read homestuck get very stuck on the idea that kismesissitude is a feeling of hatred[...], imagining that a kismesissitude is an angry, horrible relationship of abuse and hurt. [...] it’s actually shown throughout the comic that this is completely untrue. trolls do not use the word hate the same way that we do. [...]

This one I just fully agree with. The Alternian concept of 'hate' isn't equivalent to ours, and they'll often use it in ways that are completely incompatible with our definition.

When Karkat 'fell in hate' with John, his actual antagonism was very obviously performative. As you mentioned above, several parts of his original rant wouldn't look out of place in a love confession.

Karkat doesn't just message John out of temporal obligation. There's a clear sense, even in their early conversations, that he's enjoying their interactions on some level. If his feelings here really are black romance - and there's no textual evidence that they're not - then this alone is enough to prove kismesissitude isn't true human hatred.

The trolls also use 'hate' in the human sense, too, which muddies the waters a little. It's even highlighted as a problem in-comic, with trolls having to disambiguate their hatred in conversation in much the same way humans disambiguate between platonic and romantic love.

they also continuously use the word “pity” in a completely different way than we do. each of these are actually more related to a completely different word: LOVE. you can see, in this initial conversation surrounding quadrants, that trolls consider hate and pity to actually come from the same exact place (though they consider that a negative thing).

As for pity, I'm still not entirely sure what it means to trolls. Unlike hate, it's only been brought up once, by Karkat.

His 'hate and pity' dichotomy isn't referenced anywhere else in the comic, and it's unclear whether he's describing an accepted fact of life, a sociological theory, or a trope from his beloved romcoms. I don't really have enough data to speculate.

you can also see in that conversation that you need a good mix of both for any of the quadrants to work. karkat calls vriska out on supposedly “hating people too much” in a way that would “make her a bad kismesis”. this tells us almost immediately off the bat that [...] each quadrant needs a proper mix of emotions for a proper relationship.

I believe your assertion here is that each quadrant requires both hate and pity. While definitely an interesting theory, I wasn't able to find canonical evidence that a healthy redrom requires hatred, or that a healthy blackrom requires pity.

I meant what I said, though - it is a compelling theory. If we do read troll 'hatred' as a type of friendly rivalry, then maybe it is important in redrom, serving as the 'spark' that keeps things fresh. Furthermore, if we read 'pity' as something bordering on affection, then it probably is necessary for a healthy blackrom.

I really like the space you're playing in, here. There is something to this idea, and I'd love for Karkat to elaborate on it.

[...] even other trolls consider vriska and tavros’s relationship unbalanced and unhealthy!

Text it! If the full Vriska/Tavros mess was public knowledge, basically everyone would consider Vriska's behavior beyond atrocious, blackrom or no blackrom. I'm not even sure if Eridan would be OK with it - and Gamzee, of course, is currently excluded from this discussion.

If the Veil's trolls are a representative sample of Alternian culture, then Vriska's 'blackrom' with Tavros is just as abusive there as it would have been on Earth. Even Alternia has limits.

a lot of people assume that kismeses are “supposed” to kill each other, mainly because of the fate of jack noir and the queen. this, too, is a misunderstanding. jack noir and the queen, like mom and dad who they are explicitly paralleling, are meant to be regarded as tragic. both couples end in tragedy, as expected for almost every “parental figure” in homestuck; this is unrelated to their kismesissitude. in fact, in this conversation eridan has with kanaya, it is stated that a kismesissitude that ends in deaths is an extremely rare, powerfully tragic romance that happens “once in ten thousand years”

This tracks, as well. If blackrom was allowed to end with murder, then there'd be a lot less soldiers being ferried off the planet every year. Alternian children are a resource to the Empire, and more murder-couples means less murder-platoons.

Vriska does think it would be acceptable for her to murder Tavros, but she frames it as a consequence of classism, not blackrom. This would be much more acceptable to the Empire, as a blueblood like Vriska is destined to be a high-ranking officer. She's not killing a partner, here - she's punishing insubordination.

– and immediately after, it is stated that a kismesissitude that might become like this needs an auspistice. that’s right, trolls are so committed to healthy kismesissitudes that they have an entire system in place to stop them from becoming toxic. the vriska/kanaya/tavros auspisticism, while a failure on every conceivable level, was born out of the necessity that the other trolls considered vriska’s torment of tavros unhealthy. even among her fellow trolls, in a society that explicitly encouraged casteiesm and ableism, vriska’s treatment of tavros was still considered too toxic for a proper kismesissitude.

I won't second-guess the utility of auspisticism in situations like this. It makes perfect sense that the role exists, and it certainly does an important job.

However, once again, I really don't understand the monogamy aspect. Helping a loved one escape a toxic or abusive relationship should not be a one-person job, and enforcing that requirement serves to sabotage what could have been a much more effective social role.

Like - imagine that, upon becoming VrisTav's auspistice, Kanaya's first action was to call for backup. If she was allowed to introduce additional auspistices to the situation, such as Aradia or Terezi, then Vriska wouldn't have been able to continue tormenting Tavros as soon as Kanaya turned her back. It takes a village, guys!

vriska and eridan, who were in a kismesissitude before vriska became bored of eridan, were allies in their roleplaying games. much like the ancestors they were emulating, (who even supposedly “cherished” their own black relationship!); they explicitly traded and shared their rewards and goods with each other because of their romantic relationship with each other, and were said to work together in flarp well enough to be feared by others. of course, they also competed with each other to be the best– because they are rivals– but rivalry does not constitute toxticity. they called each other “allies” and “competitors”. not enemies. [...] as vriska and eridan talk about here, a rivalry between trolls is something fun for both of them. that is why they must hate each other “equally”-- they need to feel on equal footing, so that they can both have fun. that’s what a rivalry is for trolls. it’s fun!

Eridan/Vriska is a relationship I wish we'd seen on-panel, because this one is really hard to picture. Eridan's personality doesn't feel at all compatible with Vriska's, and I don't understand what she saw in him.

Vriska is one of the smartest, most resourceful, most dangerous trolls around, and there was apparently a time she thought of Eridan as a rival. As an equal. All he really has to offer is an overpowered weapon, and Vriska's already got one of those.

Sure, she got bored later, but unless Eridan has some extremely hidden depths, she should have been bored from day one. How did their rivalry even work?

I think the problem here is that we haven't seen any non-toxic kismesissitudes. Vriska/Tavros is a nightmare, Equius/Aradia was mind control, Eridan/Vriska happened offscreen, and John/Karkat never happened at all. It's difficult to extrapolate what a non-awful kismesissitude might look like, when we've only seen the worst the quadrant has to offer. Actually seeing Vriska's spades with Eridan, instead of having it described second-hand, might help to clear this up, but that seems fairly unlikely at this point.

This, at least, is a problem that might solve itself. We've still got a lot of comic to go, and the passion its fandom has for the quadrants makes it clear that they're not going anywhere. I don't think I'll be able to pass my final judgement on kismesissitude until we've seen one that actually works. I really like the idea of a romance centered around friendly rivalry - I just wish the comic would show me one!

and that brings me finally to john and karkat. i remember seeing confusion on this blog about the nature of karkat’s feelings– 'why is he helping john? doesn’t he ‘hate’ him? he must not REALLY feel pitch romance for him, and he’s just confused.' well you see, that’s the thing. the reason karkat’s first message to john was a love poem is because that is what kismesissitude is. it was karkat’s way of saying; “you’re special to me. i would like to bug you to see if you feel the same way.” it’s not as if strangely romantic healthy rivalries between teenagers are even an unheard of or new concept. they’re fairly common in television shows and anime; hell there’s even multiple tvtropes pages for them! it’s not impossible that two people in a story could have a healthy rivalry fun enough that they both end up missing it should it be gone. (looking at you, perry and doof.)

Like, this sounds cool! You're describing a really fun version of kismesissitude, here - one which brings to mind Wright and Edgeworth, Sonic and Shadow, and a dozen other popular couples.

This interpretation would be less dangerous for teenagers - it certainly worked for Lumity - and again, I just hope we eventually see something like this on-panel!

[i-hope-this-is-a-phase]

Regarding the GeorgeNotFound Situation

This entire conversation should not have happened publicly.

It was clear from Caiti's initial post that there was a breakdown in communication rather than any "assault" or "molestation." In her own testimony, she never described explicitly stating no, nor giving any indication besides "getting up" to stop the attention (which was later disproved).

That does not mean she wasn't uncomfortable. That does not mean she was not hurt by George's actions. It also does not mean George is a molester because of it.

From Caiti and George's statements, it is clear that this took place over a couple of hours (3-4), and besides the texting afterward, there were no further physical interactions between them. To use a single incident to describe George's behavior is a stretch at best and downright misinformation at worst. In the Wilbur situation, the violations of Shelby's boundaries happened over months with repeated attempts to tell him to stop.

In George's situation, it happened over four hours, in which there were no explicit tells to stop.

That said, I do hope George takes this incident and rethinks his behavior with strangers. Even if it should not be described as molesting, it still hurt Caiti, and if I were him, I would make strides to not repeat the mistakes made here.

Moreover, I think that some parties involved should not have been. Some individuals used the volatile situation to spread their own hate toward the Dream Team. They used Caiti's story to push their own agenda, which, in no way, is supporting a victim. Her friends should have helped her find closure by seeking reconciliation from her "abuser;" instead, they made the situation a public massacre where she would most likely be harassed after already feeling vulnerable.

My hope is that, behind the scenes, the two will talk about what happened and try to find peace. George clearly did not know he hurt Caiti, and he apologized for making her feel uncomfortable. That does not make him a villain: it makes him a person who made a mistake.

The moral of this whole fiasco is not to support or not support victims. Support can be weaponized for personal gain, and to support blindly is almost as bad as not supporting at all.

Instead, we need to listen. From the beginning, Caiti's story was a plea for an apology from George, and all she needed was George's apology (which she received). She did not need people calling him an abuser, she did not need her friends to utilize her pain to attack George's friend Dream, and she did not need people to pry into both her and George's life for answers.

All of this could, and should, have happened off-screen where the two parties could reconcile and heal.

To Caiti: I wish this had not happened to you. I am sorry you are in pain, and I am sorry your friends used your pain for their gain. I hope you find peace from George's apology, and if you do not, I hope you find peace in life.

To George: I wish this did not happen in the public light. Your mistake did not need to be publicized and scrutinized and instead should have been between you and Caiti. I hope you will help Caiti find peace, and if she does not want it, I hope you grow as a person and do not make this mistake again.

As of right now, this blog will remain positive about the Dream Team. I probably will not be supporting George enthusiastically right now (since I want to be certain this isn't a repetitive behavior and just one incident). However, I will be happy to talk about any fandom content regarding him and the other members.

It has been a rough few days, and I am grateful for the lovely positivity we created between my anons and followers. I give you all many squishes of happiness. Thank you for being kind.

Now, let us all move on to a better and brighter future in this fandom. We have a lot of content coming up, and I'm very excited. Feel free to send any asks regarding the situation; I would love to read your opinions.

TL;DR This conversation should have happened off-camera. Caiti's story should not have been used for clout, and George should not have been attacked for clout. Both need to heal off-camera, and we should support that.