#earlier the person that has basically only been condescending to me was like
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genuinely sorry about all the dndposting recently it hasn't even been interesting but i'm so desperate to dm. i've got storytelling skills!!! i've got improv skills!!! i want to build a story around characters!!! i want to see what players do with what i give them!!!
#i want to get good at planning combat encounters too#i'm sad that the first group didn't work out#it really could have been great#but also. thank FUCK it didn't work out i need to get away from those people.#earlier the person that has basically only been condescending to me was like#''hey are we cool?''#because i never responded to his shitty condescending message#like no bitch we're not cool. shut the fuck up.#you have permanently ruined my opinion of you.#which may be harsh#but you need to understand he's an experienced dnd player and dm. started several dnd clubs#and did Not help me out at all#and when i was like ''hey man you're the experienced player here can you help me out''#he was like ''well i'm doing EVERYTHING i can. it's just a shitty way of life that the dm has to do everything''#(''everything'' means things i genuinely could not do by myself. things that were explicitly a group effort)#and he kept being like ''this is stressing you out let's take a break''#fucker i didn't need a break i needed HELP. i wasn't even stressed#i was pissed off#and INCREDIBLY reasonable the entire time. this sounds like biased bullshit i know#but the worst things i said were like#''hey guys i'm really looking forward to this but i can't do everything by myself i need some help''#''don't you wish you had a proactive player in your groups?''#and ''if you leave a date blank on the calendar i just have to assume that it's free. that's why we have the calendar''#so no man we're not ''cool''#also talking down to me is the easiest way to get me to dislike you. it's like a speedrun#''i don't think it's your fault. i don't think it's anyone's fault :)"#bro it very clearly is SOMEONE'S fault. definitely not mine.#fuck that guy#persimmon's rambles
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Hey I know you haven't been looking through these as yet but i just wanted to say this. Their comment was not helpful, it is confrontational. No one was asking them to "honey and hatchet it". It is clear that they were frustrated but that does not justify their tone. They lack fandom etiquette. Their tone is blunt however I don't know if they wanted to come of this way or not but saying 'Not to complain or anything" "Not trying to be mean or anything again, 100% respect what you are doing here." doesn’t soften a blunt and dismissive critique, it just makes it seem like they were covering themself as you said. It would have left a sour taste in people's mind about them from the very beginning. Next, If they disliked the writing style, they should have stopped reading earlier instead of waiting until chapter 28 to unload their frustrations. It has barely started and nowhere close to ending. (hopefully) Onto the next comment, as I said before, It is confrontational they escalated things further. If they truly respected you then they would have left and come back with a clearer head. But it is clear that they didn't, if they did then it was NOT long enough. Their words became sarcastic and dismissive. It became less about being helpful and more about getting the last word in. 1.) "Here example just for funnies" ((It suggests that they were no longer taking the discussion seriously anymore)) 2.) "Critisim can't always be positive, yes you can honey and hatchet it but I don't know you" ((Their "criticism" wasn't nice either, and they said they didn't know you then why would they think bluntness would be well received?)) 3.)"or piss off" ((You didn't say that, this is just their frustration bleeding into their words.)) "not rocket science" "it's a lap dude" ((These are both condescending and unnecessary ??)) These are just some small examples. They took their time to write all this and actually posted it. but not with the intent to help only to dig in and make the you feel bad. Your reply was polite but firm, meaning they should have left it there. But they chose not to, they chose to write all that out. Meaning they wanted it to hurt all those words were meant to be hurtful. I can understand being frustrated about something ((its a basic human emotion)) but that behavior is inappropriate and rude for a fandom atmosphere especially when talking about someone's work that they took time out of their day for just to post. No one should treat fanart or fanfics like that. If people did this all the time there would be no fandom. I hope you are able to get past this and continue writing, myself and many other truly enjoy your writing and we are always excited for your next post. Please don't this this one person to ruin your enjoyment in writing. Please take a break and hopefully come back to us with a better head space, we will be waiting for you regardless if you choose to continue writing or not.
I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who's been kind and understanding and genuinely offered helpful tips, words and comfort after such a rude comment. Even the support I got from comments on Ao3 on that rude comment was a relief to read because I got real worried for a moment that maybe I came off as rude in my response. I didn't intend to reply with such a long rant, but I felt like since it's my story and they're offering critique, I'm very much allowed to explain why I chose to do the things and go the directions that I did with my story. But when they got defensive and even more rude and dismissive in their response to me trying to give an explanation and to set a boundary by saying that I didn't find their comment particularly helpful or constructive (and even offering them an example on how they could've made it a little bit more constructive by maybe adding actual examples from the chapter itself).
Clearly, I shouldn't have given them the time of day. They weren't there to be helpful or constructive. They simply didn't like how I chose to write and explore the themes in my story—in MY FANFIC—and chose to make that known in a very rude and, I'm sorry, but unwelcome way. You're allowed not to like my story and you're allowed to not like the way I chose to explore certain themes. You're allowed to disagree with everything that I write because that is everyone's right as a person, but my story is free and the only person who suffers from continuing to read a story that they clearly didn't seem to enjoy, was the person leaving that comment. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they probably had a bad day or was frustrated and just decided to take it out on me and my story, but that doesn't make it any more okay. Their comment genuinely did hurt me when I first read it, as did their response which hit nearly all of my insecurites, and yes—for those who hasn't been on my bsky and saw what I posted there—it did actually make me cry. There are so many kinder ways to voice constructive critisim and give feedback, but what they did was neither. It was just rude and negative critique that wasn't aimed to improve. I honestly don't know what they thought they would achieve with their comment if I'm honest, other than to cause hurt and pain. Cause if that was their goal, congrats, I guess? You succeded. You hit my bipolar disorder straight in the gut. After already having gone to two funerals this month, it nearly sent me spiraling completely.
I don't want people to take this in a way that they can't leave comments and voice their opinions. I welcome your opinions, especially since the majority of you all who has left comments on ACL (and my other stories) has done so respectfully. If you've noticed something that you feel like you want to voice (like maybe not understanding a certian part of a chapter or a noticing certain spelling errors, etcetera), you've all managed to do so in a way that is respectful and understanding and kind. Everything that this person wasn't in their comment.
I'm not going to add any tags to this post because I don't want this negativity that this person's comment on ACL spread in my comment section and on my fic yesterday to clog up the megop tag section or the tfa tag section. I want to move past this and try to find my motivation for ACL again, because it was wounded. The words don't come as easily right now and that genuinely makes me want to cry because writing is how I process all of the mess of emotions that are my bipolar disorder (something people with similar diagnosis will know is very important to not risk dipping or crashing completely).
I'm sorry to anyone who's left a comment on chapter 28 of ACL because I won't be answer any of them. I get such anxiety when I click on the comment button on chapter 28. I can read the comments in my inbox, but I physically don't think I can handle answer the comments right now. Hopefully, this subsides in a few days when I can get my mental and emotional state in control again. Hopefully the words will start to flow again and chapter 29 will be posted in the next week or so (I hope) and I can move past this little hinder and focus on all the love and affection and positivity that the people who normally read and comment on ACL and my stories spread and give me. I usually love all of the comments I get, with the exception for this one negative one. I hope it won't keep you guys from commenting and enjoying ACL in the future, even if I may not be as active in answering comments for a while just for my own mental health's sake. If a chapter brings any questions, please send them here and I'll try to get to them.
I'm sorry that this post got so long, but I just needed to write this out so that I could properly move on. I will return to answer asks as normal now, so expect some fun answers coming up and now we'll be leaving this negative little commenter and their rude approach behind us. They will not be ruining my story for me! I did not put all this effort into it for the last four months just for them to completley destory my love for ACL so easily.
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Goultard's introduction in the Dofus manga, his confrontation with Clustus Part 2
Part 1
Let's get right back to the fight. Clustus tells Goultard he talks too much and attacks first.
Clustus : You shouldn't have been called Goultard the barbarian but Goultard the chatty!
I still think the D at the end of Goultard's name was supposed to be silent. First of all because in french the D is usually silent in words that end in -ard-, just like here in "bavard", but also because they make a lot of rhymes with his name and none of them work if you pronounce the D. Goultard le barbare, le bavard, le bâtard etc
ANYWAY! Back to the fight. Goultard is hoping this fight won't be yet another disappointment...
Goultard : King Clustus, I hope you have more to offer me than a pityful crow spell.
Turns out Clustus isn't king of Bonta for no reason and is actually quite skilled in combat. And Goultard seems pleased to see it. Maybe this won't be as easy and boring as he expected.
Goultard : Well, well, well... This old man can do some damage.
"Bonhomme" is a very interesting word to me. It can mean "man" or more accurately "fellow". For example "bonhomme de neige" is a snowman, "un bonhomme" is also what you'd call a child's drawing of a person, there is something childish about it.... It's informal and can be affectionate or condescending, maybe even both at the same time. Goultard calls Joris "petit bonhomme" (little fellow), but he's not the only one who uses that word to describe him. (If I'm not mistaken, Gou affectionately calls Arty bonhomme... I might be wrong but I'm too lazy to check right now)
BACK TO THE FIGHT
Clustus invokes the royal crackler (whose name happens to be Kabor). Goultard gets crushed by Kabor and buried under the rubble but frees himself and destroys him with ease.
Rip Kabor
And Goultard starts talking again (he wants to be mysterious so bad but he simply cannot stfu)
Goultard : You said earlier that you knew me... But I'm not so sure, you must be wrong. Because, you see... If you really knew me, you would hold more of a grudge!
Clustus basically tells him to "be more clear or shut the fuck up".
Clustus : A grudge? What do you mean by that? Be more clear, if you will, I'm too old for guessing games. / Goultard : I'm much older than you, Clustus, and I still love riddles... But let's not get distracted, what I meant to say... Oh!
Goultard loves riddles apparently, (I find that hard to believe but why not.) Goultard says "let's not get distracted" and immediately gets distracted by a cool sword he saw. Clustus attacks while Goultard has his back turned (to pick up the cool sword he saw.) Goultard parries the blow and slashes Clustus across the chest (with the cool sword he just picked up.)
Goultard: As I was saying...You can't know me, we've never met before. However, I know you, and I've known, your father well. The king Balbosus Sheran Sharm! / Clustus : What... Impossible!
Goultard : a king well-deserves a few explanations before dying! You see, Clustus, I've spent wonderful moments with your father. He even almost "freed" me. Shortly before I took his life!
Clustus' reaction to that information
Clustus : It's impossible. My father died sixty years ago! I don't know what you're playing at but your story makes no sense! He lost his life facing a monster named Dark Vlad.
Goultard shapeshifts into Vlad just a moment to make Clustus understand they're part of the same entity.
Clustus : You killed my father... He was a good man... Generous and certainly the best king Bonta ever had! / Goultard : Maybe...
Goultard : But once again... That changes nothing! You all are nothing but humans. Whether rich or poor, kings or peasants... Only your combativeness and eagerness interests me!
(I will explore this whole thing with Goultard's contempt for humans, how he doesn't see himself as a human yet wishes he could feel like one, his self-loathing, in a future post focusing on Gou and the symbiote)
Goultard : And to get back to your father, know that he didn't hesitate to sacrifice his men to get me! And when time came for him to be reunited with his ancestors, he begged me to spare him...
Goultard : If you're saying the truth and he really was the greatest king this city's ever known... I don't dare imagine what the others must be like!
We don't know anything more about Goultard and Balbosus' realtionship but I go absolutely fucking bonkers imagining what it could have been like. Wonderful moments, knew each other well, almost freed him, but in the end sacrificed his men trying to capture him... I could talk more about it but It's all stuff I completely made the fuck up in my head. In my head Balbosus wished to free Goultard in a messed up dehumanizing savior complex way "I must free this creature and if I can't, i'll be the one to kill it". They fought many times but Goultard would always let Balbosus live because he was amused and intrigued by his weird obsession for him. A sick game of cat and mouse. Goultard enjoying the thrill of being chased... Until the symbiote grew more possessive of his prey, or Goultard got bored of Balbosus, or he felt betrayed when Balbosus sent his men after him... The fact Dark Vlad is the one who killed Balbosus in the end could also imply Goultard lost control at some point before he finally decided to kill him... Much to think about.
Goultard then starts to shift between his different shapes, revealing only now that, all along, Vald (who we thought was dead), was a part of Goultard, or that Goultard and Vald are both part of a whole. He talks briefly about Vlad and Vald having 50% and 5% of his potential strength, respectively. Clustus calls him insane.
Goultard : No, in hindsight... You could have only beaten me in my Vald form.
Clustus : Well, boy... Seems like you have a couple bats in the belfry! Quickly, put me out of my misery, I've had enough of your ravings... (why is he so funny)
Goultard : My... ravings? My ravings, as you say, make my immortality easier to put up with. / Clustus : If you say so!
Goultard HATES being immortal. Being immortal is a curse, unbearable without adapting by developping a dissociative disorder.
Goultard gets bored of talking to Clustus and decides to leave to find something better to do. Clustus realizes Goultard isn't going to kill him after all.
Goultard : Time has already taken its toll on you, Clustus. You're but a shadow of your former self. So don't count on me to give you the warrior's death that you dream of so badly! It's much more cruel to imagine you passing away on your throne like the senile old man you are.
Clustus shouts at Goultard to come back and finish him off. But Goultard is gone.
Volume 6 continues with Goultard's backstory and ends when Goultard finds Arty and offers him to fight. I'll probably make a post comparing Goultard's manga backstory and the animated one.
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I think that the thing is that Sayers a) always has SOME kind of a point if you don't take it too far and b) she's such a good and convincing writer that while you're reading, she can basically convince you of anything just by saying it. I noticed this when reading Unpopular Opinions, her book of essays, which are great but which rely a lot on "I am saying this and making it sound true so it is true, you have to trust my Vibes." And guess what, for a bunch of it I absolutely trusted her Vibes, even after I thought about it for a while with the book closed! She's just a fascinating combination of an incredibly clever and often actually wise person who combined that element of herself with weirdly nostalgically conservative politics. Always SUPER fun. (At some point I need to do my Sayers and the Jews essay but I want to do some reading first.)
The thing with Bunter is that I don't think there's much discrepancy there- the relationship between Wimsey and Bunter where Wimsey treats him somewhat like an equal wouldn't be the same if Bunter didn't already go out of his way to treat him as a superior. Wimsey can make the overtures of semi-equality because he knows that they aren't in equal positions- not in the sense of it being false or rubbing it in, but him also being more sensitive to their class differences because he's aware of them. (Incidentally, I was just reading Clouds of Witness and Wimsey stops Bunter before he can accidentally "forget himself" and insult the Duke's intelligence... as though that would be a step TOO far.) Sayers often returns to this well of "when everyone knows their place in society then everyone is happier," with the corollary being that the place of the aristocracy is to be friendly and condescending (in the non-negative connotation) to the common people and servants in a way that shows that they value them and are looking out for them. In Busman's Honeymoon, she basically has Harriet say this outright and appreciatively about Peter slotting into the role of local squire; and Murder Must Advertise, a book that seriously annoys me as I mentioned earlier, has this scene:
“Well,” said Mr. Smayle, “Tallboy always says that Dumbleton is a public school.” “I daresay it is—in the sense that it has a Board of Governors,” said Ingleby, “but it's nothing to be snobbish about.” “What is, if you come to that?” said Bredon. “Look here, Smayle, if only you people could get it out of your heads that these things matter a damn, you'd be a darn sight happier. You probably got a fifty times better education than I ever did.” Mr. Smayle shook his head. “Oh, no,” he said, “I'm not deceiving myself about that, and I'd give anything to have had the same opportunities as you. There's a difference, and I know there's a difference, and I don't mind admitting it. But what I mean is, some people make you feel it and others don't. I don't feel it when I'm talking to either of you, or to Mr. Armstrong or Mr. Hankin, though you've been to Oxford and Cambridge and all that. Perhaps it's just because you've been to Oxford and Cambridge.” He struggled with the problem, embarrassing the other two men by his wistful eyes. “Look here,” said Miss Meteyard, “I know what you mean. But it's just that these two here never think twice about it. They don't have to. And you don't have to, either. But the minute anybody begins to worry about whether he's as good as the next man, then he starts a sort of uneasy snobbish feeling and makes himself offensive.” “I see,” said Mr. Smayle. “Well, of course, Mr. Hankin doesn't have to try and prove that he's better than me, because he is and we both know it.” “Better isn't the right word, Smayle.” “Well, better educated. You know what I mean.” “Don't worry about it,” said Ingleby. “If I were half as good at my job as you are at yours, I should feel superior to everybody in this tom-fool office.” Mr. Smayle shook his head, but appeared comforted. “I do wish they wouldn't start that kind of thing,” said Ingleby when he had gone, “I don't know what to say to them.” “I thought you were a Socialist, Ingleby,” said Bredon, “it oughtn't to embarrass you.” “So I am a Socialist,” said Ingleby, “but I can't stand this stuff about Old Dumbletonians. If everybody had the same State education, these things wouldn't happen.” “If everybody had the same face,” said Bredon, “there'd be no pretty women.”
To me, this is kind of the summation of Sayers's whole attitude toward class and education as relayed in the books- if you stay where you're meant to be, you're taught the way of dealing with your class and privilege/lack thereof in life, how you're supposed to relate to others, etc. If you socially climb then you end up in uncharted territory where you're a) not meant to be and b) made to feel out of place, which you then end up pushing onto other people, making them feel uncomfortable.
You can kind of see where she and others who look at it so nostalgically like that are coming from- as depicted/essentialized here, part of Wimsey's privilege also meant responsibility for those beneath him, and part of a more "common" person's commonness meant, or should have meant, a sense of security. While MMA goes a lot into anti-consumerism in a way that's hard to deny, in Unpopular Opinions her essays get a lot more into it as a problem in that it destroyed the normal order of work- where instead of having a hundred shoemakers all (apparently) happily making 10 pairs of shoes a day, you have five shoe factory managers and forty-five miserable and overworked employees making two thousand pairs of shoes a day and fifty people without their "proper job." It's a totally different angle on the issue that rings a bit more false when the ideas of both class essentialism and, as you note, bio-essentialism are removed from the picture.
...And of course that's what makes Parker so interesting! On one level, Sayers clearly doesn't believe in an "aristocracy can only marry aristocracy" kind of a thing because Peter marries Harriet- and in fact there's a through line in the books about Gerald and Helen's marriage being a cousin-inbred disaster with Harriet pointing out in Busman's Honeymoon that the injection of common blood into Parker and Mary's marriage made their kids basically normal. So that's not inconsistent. But it's also so interesting that Parker is himself this innately religious, conservative kind of a guy- in many ways more so than Wimsey, who describes him as a "perfect Victorian"- and he himself, in two separate books, is insistent on highlighting the class lines that exist between him and Mary as a barrier between them, with Wimsey essentially having to give him permission to a) have interest and b) later act on it. Though, of course, in the end he actually DOES act because Wimsey suggests that his indecision is making Mary unhappy... so it really is about love and not permission, I suppose!
What's fascinating to me is that at the end of Strong Poison, when Peter is trying to convince Gerald that Parker's suitable for Mary, he makes the point that Parker will climb the ranks and will likely eventually end up with a title/knighted. Obviously, to a degree that's him trying to speak Gerald and Helen's language, where they REALLY care about that kind of thing. But it does I think speak to something else which is that Wimsey and Parker seem to have become friends because Wimsey saw something in Parker and let him in. And I think that your point about Parker kind of earning his way out of the lower/middle class by being not just smart but dedicated and, in his way, intellectual is very solid. It's made clear that he had a decent grammar school education, works to transcend it while also not being pretentious about it, tries to improve his French, reads religious commentaries, is conservative socially... it's like Sayers is drawing a sketch of someone who isn't trying to climb but is trying to be the best of the kind of person who he innately is, while also having the talent to back it up. And THAT is what makes him worthy of Lady Mary. Because, of course, upon marriage she descends to his level in terms of lifestyle and such (even with all that money behind her for their kids later). He's not trying to climb so he's allowed to.
I just re-read Gaudy Night, and it's interesting how it feels very relevant and very dated at the same time. There's so much discussion about a woman's "place" and whether a woman can (or should) still have an intellectual life/job outside her husband if she's married, and it seems like many of the academic women in the story feel on some level that they have to choose one or the other. On the one hand, this debate, again, feels very dated in an era where most women do have jobs regardless of whether they're married or not. On the other hand, women still are frequently expected to put their families before their jobs, while men are usually not; and women are still frequently expected to sacrifice their own careers and interests for the sake of their families, while men are usually not.
The "question" of whether women belong in academia no longer seems to be a question in mainstream culture, but women in academia still don't get the same amount of respect or opportunities as men. And while British and American society no longer demands that unmarried women remain celibate, I think there is still a great deal of discomfort at the idea of women who choose to remain single, and with the idea of voluntary celibacy in general.
It's also interesting that the Senior Members of the college (all women) seem to more or less jump to the conclusion that the college "poltergeist" is expressing some kind of psycho-sexual frustration born of celibacy and academic isolation, when in fact it's someone seeking revenge. It seems like even though these women have been in academia/running the college for decades, they still harbor some insecurity over the legitimacy of their profession and lifestyle.
And then, of course, there are the casual mentions of eugenics and the one woman who thinks execution is wrong and that murderers should be used for scientific experiments instead (because that's more humane somehow??). There's also the instance where one of the porters (who is otherwise very likeable) says that Britain needs "a Hitler" who will put women in their proper place. Interesting times...
Idk, Gaudy Night fascinates me because there's SO MUCH going on in it that even on my second read, I think there's a lot that I'm probably missing. The various philosophical debates in it make me really curious about what Dorothy Sayers' own views were.
#dorothy l sayers#lord peter wimsey#unpopular opinoins#gaudy night#busman's honeymoon#strong poison#clouds of witness#murder must advertise
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Worm Reading - Part 7, Arc 7 Buzz
Ok so confession time, last night I got really wrapped up in the story and read up to Arc 10 without taking notes. I’m gonna go back and skim the previous chapters and record some thoughts. I’ll try to keep knowledge of future chapters out as I go.
Hah Taylor has such a crush. Boy ever since Lisa made her actually notice those feelings she has not been able to get that out of her head has she? I wonder what Lisa’s motivation was behind bringing that up? Hoping Taylor’s romantic feelings will encourage her to stick around?
We can actually draw an interesting little analogy from this sparring scene. Taylor is smaller and weaker than Brian, so she has to be very careful in how she approaches him, and given the chance should choose to just wait out of reach until an opening presents itself. When he attacks her, on the other hand, she has no real way to effectively fight back. This is basically the same situation the Undersiders would be in if they officially take over a territory for Coil. They are weaker in combat than most of the other teams in the city, and have only been effective because they can pick and choose their engagements. They have little to no defensive ability.
Oooh some background on Alec. That’s a crummy situation to come out of, definitely abusive and cult-y. We haven’t really seen the depths of depravity that super-powered individuals can get up to yet; Empire 88 and ABBs are scummy, but mostly in sadly common ways.
Honestly feels a little crummy the way the whole group is pressuring Alec to talk about his past. I get why they need to know the level of threat, but some of this just feels like them wanting to hear the juicy details of life around this famously evil person.
I love love love this entire section of Taylor hanging out with Rachel. I’ve made no secret that I’m a fan of Rachel, and this is exactly the sort of interaction she needs to help her make connections with people. It’s been so obvious from the beginning that Rachel relates more to dogs than she does to people, and she needs someone to be blunt but loyal. Someone who will put in the work to show Rachel that they’ll treat her fairly and carry their own weight, and who cares about her without being condescending. This whole section is so satisfying for me.
Taylor’s new suit-of-bugs approach is handy, though even with her bug-affinity powers I gotta admit I don’t think I’d have the stomach to cover myself like that. I wonder if she’ll lean into this angle? I can picture an older Taylor having a really intimidating appearance as being cloaked in bugs almost like Grue is cloaked in darkness. Assuming she grows more powerful over time, could she reach a point of controlling large swarms into large shapes or figures and using that offensively?
Brian and Taylor are totally correct on the dogs being a liability and in a bad/indefensible position. I understand that Rachel wants to run a punk canine rescue program, but she straight-up does not have the resources to keep these dogs safe, and it’s a problem. This is a time where her defensiveness and instinct to insist she’s self-sufficient is a serious liability.
Awwww Rachel gave Taylor dating advice. That’s both funny and subtly sweet. I just want Rachel to have a friend.
And we have the info bomb with all of Empire 88 getting doxed. I’m actually a little bit surprised, from the interlude with Kaiser and Purity I had kinda gotten the impression that their secret identities weren’t that secret. Maybe I read it wrong, or maybe it was the kind of thing that only people in certain circles knew the truth.
And we have now made my point from earlier about the sparring. The Undersiders are very much not equipped for a defensive fight. Going to ground is the right call, though hopefully there won’t be too much collateral damage from people trying to hit them where it hurts.
Ah, it’s Sophia! I was actually wondering when we were going to run into one of Taylor’s schoolmates eventually. This is, unfortunately, basically the worst one of them to come across...
(Future Knowledge for a moment from reading ahead, spoilers for Arc 9) Kind of hilarious how Sophia blatantly checks out Brian when getting on the bus. If she knew that was Grue her reaction would be sooooo different.
Aww yeah! Distraction makeout! Go for it girl! Let the people who tried to tear you down see you flourishing in the life you’re living now! Admittedly it’s not a totally truthful portrayal, but I can appreciate the sentiment.
Jesus H. Christ! Sophia is a psycho! I mean... I guess that shouldn’t come as a surprise after what she’s already done but like... still kinda caught me off guard a little there. I understand why Taylor doesn’t use her powers on Sophia, and objectively it’s probably the correct call, but I don’t think I’d have the self control to resist covering her in wasps after all this craziness.
Ugh god and she lies to the shopkeeper and slips away again. I find most of the villains in this story entertaining, but I gotta admit I really dislike Sophia and Emma. Which, I mean, they’re serving effectively in their story roles but bleh blech gross hate them.
Awwwww Brian with the shootdown! Huh. I really got caught up in the narrative of Taylor having a crush, I didn’t really consider that his answer would be “Oh uh nah.” His answer was relatively straightforward, I don’t think he handled it poorly, but that sort of rejection hurts no matter how well it’s given. Poor Taylor. Just when she was thinking that her future with this group might be nice.
Uh-oh Purity’s snapped. I recognize various powers have their pros and cons, but I do feel like high-powered flying blasters like her are basically untouchable if they decide to fully let loose unless you have an equally powerful flying blaster/shielder.
Hang on someone took her kid? Oh that’s a whole separate issue from this doxxing thing. Wow that strikes me as a super dumb idea on whoever did that.
I don’t have much to say about the fights with Empire 88
Interesting that Grue’s power makes him scentless. Rachel’s dogs mentioned it in the interlude earlier, and Hookwolf said the same. Honestly, basically none of the fights the Undersiders have been in would have been at all feasible if not for Grue’s ability to heavily shape the battlefield and allow them to break contact when needed.
Speaking of power effectiveness, we have seen a number of fights now where Taylor’s bugs are basically ineffective due to the physiology or abilities of her opponents. I know they haven’t had much down time, but long run if she’s going to be a frontline fighter she needs to sit down and strategize some ways to make her bugs more of a threat. Maybe that means getting her hands on more dangerous types of bugs, maybe that means finding a way to have a larger size swarm at hand, maybe that means experimenting with the limits of what she can and can’t control. But with bigger threats, she needs a better plan of action than “sting them and put flies in their face.”
Wow after you just got trounced by the Empire lieutenants, you’re immediately going out to take on the captain? Uhhhhh that’s not a plan, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Oh New Wave is already here and handling the situation! And the Wards! Undersiders, you need to learn to recognize when a fight is Above Your Pay Grade, and this one is! Sit this one out, let the big guns do the work!
Geez this fight got so ugly. I’m gonna skim over this one in the interest of time. I do like the way that Night has specialized in all sorts of ways to blind her opponents and obscure observation. It’s kinda funny to realize that part of Night’s power must basically be a video-game-style Detection Indicator that tells her if she’s being observed or not at all times.
So Tattletale just straight up tells Purity where her kid is. Probably the right move to bring the heat level down, but... what did this whole escapade accomplish? For anyone? I guess Empire 88 leadership got their cover blown, but somehow I don’t see that hurting them that much in the long run unfortunately. I don’t see what Coil or anyone else gained from this.
Interesting to see the inside of Coil’s operation looks like. He truly is a supervillain, complete with a lair and an army of henchmen. There are logistics associated with that which are usually glossed over by superhero media, I’m curious how deep into that this series will go. Will we see his HR people who hire his mercenaries? The cafeteria and showers? The janitorial staff who clean the place?
Oh oh oh! The missing girl! I did catch that when it got dropped in the news story earlier! Oof. Yeah, we are starting to see that, while Coil is a pragmatic villain, he is still a villain. If he was all on the up-and-up and going to only do nice things then he wouldn’t be playing the game they’re all playing.
Oh now this is interesting. Technically what I just said about Coil also goes for the Undersiders, and I think Taylor has been letting herself forget that recently. Taylor is jaded with the heroes, for good reason. But the truth is people who take the Villain title and roll around in the villain turf wars are out there committing crimes and hurting people. Taylor has only done a couple of actual jobs with this crew before everything switched into Villain vs. Villain warfare. But in the long run, if she stuck around, what would they end up doing? Crimes of some sort. That was what the Undersiders did before she came along, and the others had no problems with it. All of her teammates are here because they want to look out for themselves, even at the expense of others. If that wasn’t the case they could go Vigilante like Shadow Stalker, or Rogue like Canary or Parian. They chose a life of crime, and Taylor let her attachment to her friends blind her to that.
This is also a very visceral character moment for Taylor, because she is basically in the shoes of her old teacher Mr. Gladly. She has just seen someone being victimized right in front of her by someone who she is nominally allied with. Is she going to turn around and walk away because it would be too inconvenient for her to step in?
I hope Angelica recovers ok. I care about the puppers very much.
And she chooses to leave. And they choose to stay. At least for now. That sucks, but I think it’s in-character for both sides. But what does she do from here? If she’s staying true to her moral compass, I think the answer is she should try to bust Dinah out of captivity. But honestly I don’t think that’s feasible within her capabilities alone. And the only way she would be able to get support now would be to go turn this info over to one of the hero teams, which A) she doesn’t have much confidence in, for good reason, and B) would be tantamount to declaring war against Coil and her former teammates. I’m not sure Taylor has it in her.
Ooooh Endbringer. Well, I kinda take it that all of this juicy tangled web is about to get sidetracked. Wonder how Danny is handling all of this?
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wait you mentioned Peril x Sunny earlier I would love to see your thougths about it :0
AN EXCUSE HAS BEEN GIVEN, IT’S TIME >:Dc
the short version is: love me some foils plus look at this quote:

Long version is under the cut:
Sunny and Peril are both dragons who have been shoved into boxes their whole life that they feel like they can’t escape from so they try their best to adapt to it, but that gnawing upset feeling stays in them. No one doubts Peril is scary (because she is), people give her their attention and consider her a threat, but of course, they don’t consider her a dragon capable of kindness/she’s a “monster”. Vs Sunny, who everyone loves and treats as a friend, but who no one takes seriously or considers capable of anything dangerous.
I also think Peril’s resentment of Sunny is so interesting too !! I forget where it comes up, but there’s this implication that Peril doesn’t like Sunny, presumably because of her proximity to Clay but also... people seem to like Sunny without her even trying. Peril takes a lot of pride in being strong/scary because in part that’s the only way people ever view her, and Sunny, despite being a small, unassuming dragon with no special abilities, builds connections seemingly without trying. And I think Peril defaults to anger when she doesn’t understand emotions so this ends up turning into resentment, but there’s this like. Note of yearning to it. Wanting to be someone who people don’t look at and immediately assume the worst of (you also have Sunny being a very casually physically affectionate dragon and that is something Peril has never been able to do).
I think Sunny is too emphatetic to have the same kind of turmoil as Peril/too aware of how rough Peril has had it, but like. I think it would be interesting if she had a similar dilemma, of sort of wanting to be like Peril, who commands space without trying, whose presence says “get out of the way.” Sunny’s book is basically entirely about how much she wishes people would take her seriously, and even with her being more self-aware I can picture her... daydreaming about it, what it would be like to be seen as intimidating instead of cute.
And really at the end of the day their personalities just mesh in a way I find enjoyable! Both of them are very curious/inquisitive dragons, both are surprisingly practical, while you don’t see it as much with Sunny, she’s aware of the cold/crueler options, she just personally is a pacifist who doesn’t like hurting other dragons. She’s empathetic, but she’s not dumb like her friends assume. They’re not so opposite they could never work together or get along, I think at their core they’re potentially similar dragons, just molded in different ways and with a difference in empathy. They would honestly make a great detective duo, with both of them being observant/smart but with radically different approaches to most situations.
I think Sunny gives Peril a space to be quieter and gentler than she feels safe doing around other dragons, while Peril doesn’t condescend to Sunny and takes everything she says seriously.
Some assorted headcanons to finish this off:
(these are all taking place in my head after Escaping Peril bc we need that good good Peril Growth)
-tall Peril and short Sunny where Peril ends up looming behind Sunny like a giant terrifying condor while Sunny is like “who wants to make friendship bracelets with me and my gf :D” to a group of students
-Honestly Peril seems to really like hanging out nearby her friends/loved ones so I picture a lot of Peril hanging out near Sunny or walking around w her, Sunny’s funky giant orange shadow.
-I think it’s funny if Sunny is very much like “my girlfriend Peril, the girl I am dating whose name is Peril, my girlfriend who I love <3″ vs Peril whose closest public admission of affection is something along the lines of “Sunny is,,,, fine,,,,,,, I guess,,,,,,,,,,” (she is blushing like it is the end of the world and conveniently not making eye-contact with anyone but shhhh).
-Sunny who loves showing things she finds interesting to other dragons, and Peril who might not always care about what Sunny brings her but is always touched that Sunny thought to show her something.
-Sunny who also finds ways around the firescales to give bits of jewelry and home-made bracelets and earrings to Peril, who loves feeling pretty and will 500% show off her new bling.
-Everyone’s brainstorming how to handle a situation, and Peril suggests a typical Peril-style plan (fire, a little bit of attempted murder, probably crashing through the entrance) and everyone expects Sunny to disagree and she just goes “no I like that, let’s go apeshit”
-Sunny who is way too forgiving and Peril who’s like “ok but give the word if you want them dead. Like I know you said you forgave them and I respect that but also. Tell me if you want them dead.”
-also just. Peril coming to Sunny for comfort and reassurance that she isn’t a monster and Sunny who encourages Peril to grow and never loses faith in her ability to change and be a better person and at the end of the day Sunny who isn’t afraid of Peril !! Even when Peril is scary and messy, Sunny who never loses sight of the potential for good in Peril.
-Sunny with an animus-enchanted item that lets her touch Peril and Sunny who is always casually in contact with her, twining tails or brushing wingtips, Sunny who has infinite affection to give and Peril who is so fuckign touch-starved and soaking it in.
-Alternatively, if we want to keep Jerboa’s anti-animus thing, Sunny and Peril who find ways around physical affection, Sunny who’s not afraid to stand close to Peril bc she knows she won’t burn her, Sunny who trusts Peril entirely and Peril who takes that trust to heart and makes sure it isn’t misplaced.
-I think the idea of them in this situation moving sort of in-sync, Peril leans close to Sunny and Sunny without thinking moves away but it’s in this way that isn’t Sunny trying to avoid Peril but Sunny who’s always aware of where Peril is and like. the two of them just managing to be physically affectionate even if they can’t actually touch. Like how birds will sometimes move together like one entity.
-Sunny is getting talked over in a meeting and struggling to get people’s attention and Peril just bodies her way into the conversation (potentially literally) going “let Sunny speak.” and not budging until they acknowledge what Sunny has to say.
-I’m just a sucker for ships where character A is used to being talked over and ignored and is saying something smart or hatching a good plan or w/e and clearly expecting character B not to really care or acknowledge it but character B just turns and fixes them with their full attention and is like “Keep talking.” I AM A SIMPLE MAN OK
-I like to think their relationship starts out because of outside circumstance (i.e. they’re stuck together, maybe on a mission or, potentially funnier, co-teachers) and once they start spending time together it just sort of grows
-Peril also who’s in absolute denial of her feelings to start with and is actively trying to pretend they aren’t happening which just makes her a bit of a mess around Sunny (who is amused and confused about why this is happening)
-I also think with that,,, Sunny who doesn’t even really think of Peril as being an option bc A) the whole Clay situation and B) why would Peril ever be interested in Sunny. Sunny is acutely aware of how other’s percieve her and her lack of anything notable and assuming Peril feels the same way as everyone else/thinks of her as a little sister at best and a nuisance at worst
-And maybe Peril does originally think of her that way (bc hey everyone else does) but the more time she spends with Sunny the more time she realizes how much Sunny is hiding under the surface and starts to grow this strange respect for her, which unsettles the shit out of Peril who isn’t used to respecting most people, least of all this short weird golden dragon, and we get the Perunny ball rolling >:).
-And y’know. Sunny is also in denial but in a different way, I like aro/ace Sunny but I think specifically I’m leaning towards ace lesbian Sunny who kind of views everyone in the same affectionate light and hasn’t ever consider she could like girls but Peril is sort of making her reconsider
-She’s very much like “haha I’m not interested in Peril I just like everyone :)” meanwhile going out of her way to hang out with Peril and wanting to impress her and feeling sad when she’s not there.
Anyway I love them so much I just want both of them to be happy and I think they could both make each other happy.
#wings of fire#wof#sunny wof#peril wof#perunny#peril/sunny#peril x sunny#headcanons#wof shipping#wof headcanons#they're also a low-empathy/high-empathy power couple#I'm choosing to focus on fluff here#but you can get ANGSTY#also oh my god. conflict in their relationship would be WILD#anyway though enjoy this fluff if you want more I have. so much more#they live in my head rent free along w the jade winglet
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Calling Home (1) | Frankie Morales x Reader
Summary: You are a receptionist at the VA. Frankie Morales keeps calling. Yearning ensues...
Rating: M -> E in later chapters
Warnings: fem!reader, age gap (legal), praise kink, voice kink, discussion of addiction/PTSD/trauma, no use of y/n, no beta reader, reader is bad at Spanish, Frankie has a sexy voice 😩
Masterlist here
AN: My first fic. Pedro writers have inspired me to finally start writing again 🥺. Concept inspired by the movie RED. I hope you like it ❤️Set after triple frontier.
Chapter One
~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time he called was an ordinary Thursday.
“Veterans Affairs, how can I help you?”
You had been working at the VA office for about two weeks. Fresh out of college you felt lucky to have a job in the first place. You went to school to be a writer but your big idea for 'The Next Great American Novel' had yet to present itself. At least here you had access to the most inspiring stories and interesting people. Men and women who had seen more and done more than you probably would in your entire life. You loved talking to clients on the phone. It was weird but something about only being able to hear people’s voices excited you. You would sometimes write little stories in your head about the people you'd talk to, filling in the details that were unknown.
Your desk accessories reflected your love of books and writing. You had your growing collection of books sitting on your desk sandwiched between baby pink bookends. Next to them was a matching desk organizer filled with your favorite sparkly pens and sticky notes. You had decorated the plain cubicle walls with posters of quotes from your favorite books. You also brought your favorite candle from home. Even though you couldn’t light it you still liked to lift it to your nose once and a while and smell it between chapters. When you weren’t on the phone or scanning documents you would read. You finished To Kill A Mockingbird in your first week on the job and were now halfway through Murder on the Orient Express.
You were starting a new chapter when Frankie Morales called the first time.
You picked up the phone on the second ring already mustering your chipper 'customer service' voice. “Veterans affairs.” You stated your name. “How may I help you?”
“H-Hi. My name is Frankie- uh-Francisco Morales." A deep voice answered you. "I’m calling because I have gotten my benefits check yet. It’s been a month. I was hoping you could tell me if it got sent?”
“Okay Mr. Morales." You flipped on the computer. "Let me check. Can you spell your last name for me?”
“M-o-r-a-l-e-s”
“Okay... let's see.” You clicked on his account. You were momentarily distracted by his picture likely taken when he graduated basic if you had to guess based off the uniform. He looked sweet. Sharp nose and strong jaw balanced by kind eyes and a shy smile. You could imagine how age would continue to soften his expression making him even more handsome. The image was a strange juxtaposition to the voice you were hearing on the phone which was much deeper and rougher. His profile said he was special forces. A pilot. The rest of the information was blacked out. Something you were used to seeing on many people's accounts but even his years of service were redacted. He must have been involved in some dangerous stuff, you thought to yourself. The dates that were not redacted were mostly in Latin America. You clicked over to processing requests. “Looks like the check got sent one week ago.” You informed him.
"I'll look again but I haven't seen anything-" It sounded like he was apologizing when clearly it was not his fault.
"No no. It's probably a mistake on our end." You interrupted. With how shitty and outdated the payroll interface was you wouldn't be surprised if there was a mix up. "I’ll go ahead and let payroll know to send another."
"Great. Thanks." He replied sounding relieved. The roughness in his voice gave way to a smooth baritone.
“No problem. I'm sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused. We'll get it sent right away." You hoped he was not relying on this benefit check for anything important. While you could promise you'd fix the problem, the administration was notoriously slow. When he didn't respond you asked, "Is there anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Morales?”
“Uh-no" The roughness back in place. "Thank you." He paused before adding your name onto his thank you which made you smile. People usually never remembered your name.
“Alright. Have a nice day and thank you for your service.” You chirped before hanging up. The smile he put on your face lingered for a few minutes as you returned to your book.
The next time he called was exactly twelve days later.
“Veterans affairs” you answered, your routine greeting cut short as your eyes were still on your book.
“Hi- I’m calling because uh I still haven’t gotten my benefits check. This is Frankie Morales.”
“Oh Mr. Morales.” You recognized his voice even before he even said his name. You quickly shut your book, pushing your hair out of your face. Had you been thinking about him? No! Okay maybe you stared at his picture for a few minutes longer after he hung up. Yes, it was probably very unprofessional but you couldn't fight the curiosity. You were trying to rationalize the contrasting sharpness and softness of his features with his voice. How it all worked together. How one person's voice could change textures and colors so easily. You wondered what kind of things this man might have seen on the job. Most of the veterans you would help day to day did not have so many redacted missions and deployments. You were in the middle of Narcos season one so you immediately thought of drugs or something equally dangerous. After much pondering, you had come to the conclusion that Frankie Morales was both insanely attractive and insanely courageous. “Still no check, huh?”
“Nope.” He sighed the sound making the phone's shitty speaker crackle as you held it to your ear.
“Let me just check that it was approved...“ you found his profile again and scrolled to the status page. “Hmm... it says it was sent out last Friday after we spoke. That’s so weird...”
“Yeah. Really weird.” He echoed your frustration on the other end.
Typical payroll, you thought to yourself as you rolled your eyes. “I'll get another one sent to you right away. I'll see to it myself.” You tucked the phone under your chin and typed out a short email to Mary in payroll letting her know you'd be stopping by her office to explain the situation. You realized he hadn't hung up yet.
“Sorry for the back and forth.” You said, trying to fill the silence.
“It’s not your fault." The earlier irritation gone. "You’ve been really helpful.” His voice sounded warm and reassuring. Less gruff than it was last you spoke. Instead it was that rich baritone that you caught of glimpse of last time.
You feel your face warm at his compliment. It was this annoying reflex you had. Praise always made you blush no matter what context but it was worse when it came from a (you assume) gorgeous stranger.
“And just to verify that your address is correct- you’re on Maple Lane in Miami, Florida?”
“That’s right.” He confirmed.
“Okay. Sent!” You clicked send on the email, which caused the window to close and reveal Frankie’s profile page again. “I was curious-" You spoke before you really made the decision to speak. You didn’t want to overstep but once again your curiosity got the better of you. Honestly, you were just searching for a way to keep him on the phone. The day had been so boring.
“Your profile says you were stationed in Costa Rica.”
“For a bit.” He replied after a moment. He didn’t sound too defensive but there was definitely some tightness in his answer that made you feel bad for asking. Like you were scratching a wound.
“Did you like it? The country I mean.”
“Are you planning a trip?” He sounds a little amused.
“Yeah- well- kind of. It's more a trip in my head right now. I’d like to go there one day. It looks so beautiful.” You sighed closing your eyes trying to imagine the heat on your skin.
“It is." He agrees. "Really humid though.”
“Mm that sounds nice.” You would kill for some warm weather after such a long winter in DC.
“It was too muggy for me at times." He grumbled. "If you do go, stick to the costal areas where it’s more breezy or else you’ll just be sweating the whole time.”
“I don’t mind a little sweat” you shrugged, still thinking of the awful east coast winter you were currently suffering through. The sexual connotation of what you said hit you hard as soon as you heard the statement in its entirety. You felt your face flush again, though the man on the other end would never know.
“I’m learning Spanish!" You announced loudly trying to move the conversation past your awkwardness.
“Wow. Muy impressivo.”
“Si” you replied but after a moment you admit “I don’t really know what you said.”
Frankie laughed loudly on the other end and you couldn’t help but join in, drawing dirty looks from the elderly lady, Donna, working in the cubicle across from you. You ducked your head behind a stack of papers to avoid her glare.
“Fake it till you make it.” He chuckled.
“Maybe you should help me out.” You took on an indigent but still playful tone. “You sound better than duolingo” Your smile widened when he laughed again. His laugh was what you hoped it would be, by all your assumptions from his picture. It was an unencumbered, unburdened, rich sound with only a hit of roughness from the air behind it.
“Tell me you’re not using that dumb app to learn.” he scoffed, saying your name in an almost scolding tone.
“I’m got my thirty day streak today.” You boasted.
“You’ll be a total tourist if you go by duolingo.”
“But the owl is so cute every time I get something right!” You argued your voice taking on a more childish cadence.
“That’s how they trap you, silly girl.” He teased right back. Usually such a condescending nickname would piss you off but something about the affection behind him using it made you feel very differently. You felt warm like you were proud to be silly as long as it made him laugh.
“Then you saved me just in time, Mr. Morales.” You bit your lip. His scoffing and laughter died down on the other end.
“Frankie” He corrects you.
“Frankie…” You repeated it, smiling at how well the nick name suited the voice over the phone. Honest, sincere, and not pretentious at all. Way better than the pompous guys you know with equally stuffy names like “Edward” and “Christopher.”
“So what do you want to know?” Frankie interrupted your thoughts. “Dime”
You started asking him questions in Spanish to the best of your ability. Granted they weren't particularly probing questions. What is your name? What is your favorite color? What is your favorite animal? What's your favorite book? I am reading Gone Girl. He answered them all with patience and amusement, occasionally interrupting you to correct your pronunciation or explain what a word meant. Every time you’d repeat the word back correctly he would say something like “good” or “there you go” or “you got it”. You hated to admit that his kind words and his praise was doing something to you. You didn't even realize you were clenching your legs together unconsciously, almost in anticipation of his next correction or next answer. His low voice so sweet and encouraging against your ear, more tangible when he was speaking Spanish. You just wanted to hear more of it. Would it be this sweet in other situations? Would it get huskier or rougher? If you closed your eyes it was like he was sitting right next to you. It would be all too easy to slip into that daydream and escape the dull office.
Suddenly out of the corner of your drooping eyes you saw a flashing red light on the phone console meaning another caller was waiting.
“Shoot- i’m sorry, Frankie- I have to take this call.” You shot forward in your chair, legs uncrossing.
“Of-Of course. I should let you get back to work.” He sounded a little sad or so you hoped. You felt bad for interrupting him after you both were having so much fun. You wanted to say he could wait on hold but he killed that idea when he said, "I have work too. Technically I'm five minutes past my lunch break."
Your pout turned to a smile. He was spending his precious lunch break with you? Get a grip! you snapped at yourself.
“You’re welcome to call again if you want.” You threw out the offer in a small voice, scared you would be rejected. You peered over the cubicle wall to see if you were still being glared at. Thankfully Donna was away from her desk. Probably out for a smoke. “It’s really boring here and usually no one calls.”
“Maybe I will.” He replied and you could hear the smile behind those words. You felt your heart clench weirdly in your chest like it didn't know how to process the sudden spike in emotions.
“Bye, Frankie.” You beamed.
“Bye”
This time the smile on your face lasted for hours. Frankie’s laugh echoed around in your head, taunting you, sending your mind to the gutter. His voice went from grit to molasses on a dime. You wanted to be the one to bring out those sounds. You wanted to hear his voice bend and stretch and strain as you fucked him. What the hell is wrong with me? you screamed internally. You had never been so depraved and with a stranger no less! You clearly needed to get laid fast because this much yearning would not end well.
Frankie got the second VA check a few days later and this time he didn’t even feel bad about ripping it in half. He was already reaching for the phone to call you.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tags: Message to be added 💕 no minors please!
#frankie morales#francisco morales#triple frontier#pedro pascal#frankie morales x reader#frankie catfish morales#pedro pascal x reader#frankie morales x you#triple frontier fanfiction#pedro pascal x you#pedro pascal x y/n#frankie morales x y/n#catfish morales#calling home series#i would die for frankie#frankie morales has a sexy voice#daddy!frankie
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O5 𝓑𝓪𝓫𝔂 𝓟𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓬!
Synopsis: Sakusa Kiyoomi, a young ravishing man, an athlete for the Japanese volleyball team and comes from a very prominent family around Japan. He was perfect, looks, wealth and fame. But you can’t have everything in life, can you? Sakusa, the germophobic athlete, suddenly wakes up one day and sees a baby boy in a basket in front of his door step, in the basket was a letter, a letter from his past lover, saying that the child was his. The panic look on the spiker’s face was almost comical, knowing that his life would turn into a complete 360, that day was his first time ever to miss a volleyball practice and to call Komori to ask for a babysitter. You.
Notice: the only thing I own is the plot, the art and the characters aren't mine and they all belong to their respective owners.
Days turned into months and before you knew it, it has already been three months since you started working as Kaito’s nanny and Sakusa’s house helper, a lot has changed since you came here.
Kaito was already babbling and started rolling and even crawling, his father was always busy with volleyball and the company that the only time he would have for Kaito is the evenings, he would devote his weekdays to volleyball for an upcoming big game next month and his weekends on the company
Sakusa was looking very tired, it was a game against a foreign team and the company was demanding more from him than usual and this has been going on for months
You look at your boss who was focused on his desktop, the bags under his eyes were prominent, there was a huge mountain of forms to fill for the big game and he has yet to finish his work for the company
You took out the sour dough bread you baked earlier and made brewed some coffee, you placed them on a tray and carefully walked over to your boss
You cleared your throat and temporarily set the papers aside as you put the cup of coffee and a bread beside his desktop
He looks up at you and nodded a small “thanks” falling from his lips
You smiled and nodded
You organized the papers on the table and quickly recognized that they were forms needed for the games, it consisted of basic information about the player like, blood type or height
“sir, do you need help?” you asked your boss as you looked at the form
He looks at you, confused, how would you be able to help?
“I did a research on you once, at school, so I know a lot of basic things” you say shyly, in your defense, you didn’t know that months later he was going to be your boss
“are you sure?” he asked, his voice a few octave lower, tiredness evident in it
You nodded silently
He sighed “alright, you can help me fill out the forms, you can ask me the things that you don’t know” he says
You happily walked to your room, took a pen and went back to the table, you sat in front of him as you fill out the forms
You were mind-blown by the amount of forms athletes need to fill for a game
You sat there for hours in silence, and from time to time, you would ask him things you didn’t know or you weren’t sure about
“y/n” he called for you
“yes sir?” you answered, your eyes never leaving the paper
“didn’t you go to college?” he asked you
You were shocked, Sakusa was known to be tight-lipped, stoic and stern, it surprised you that he asked you about something other than Kaito and the house
“yes sir, I did” you said as you continue with your task
“Do you mind telling me why you stopped? If I’m not being too intrusive”
You really haven’t had a private or long conversation with Sakusa before, you were shocked by his eloquence and courteousness when speaking, in your defense he did look and act condescending when you first met him, but hearing how Sakusa spoke now, it reminded you that he was the son of a very prominent and elite family
“I didn’t have enough money for med school sir “you answered him and smiled
“I see…” he says and continues on with his work
“sir?” you called
You’ve been wanting to ask him for a while now, but it seemed to be too awkward to ask him, so now’s the only chance you can ask him
He hums in response
“does your parents know about Kaito?” you asked
He stops typing and looks at you, you were prepared to get a scolding
“now that you mentioned it, I forgot to tell them I have a son now”
Your lips parted in shock
Did this man literally just forget to tell his parents that he has a son? He said it so casually too and started typing in his computer again
“sir? Would they get angry?” you asked
“angry? They’d thank the heavens, they’ve been bugging me about children for a while now”
You nodded, worry still evident in your face, you were still worried about their reaction when they find out about Kaito’s mother abandoning them
“if you’re worried about Nami, don’t, my parents don’t like her, she cheated on me, our family cut ties with hers”
You quietly let out a sigh, there was a number of scenarios floating inside your head
You smiled
“sorry for asking you something very personal sir” you apologized
“it’s fine, I know you’re just looking out for my son” he says eyes on the monitor
“Kaito is a precious child, yet his mother despise him, abandoned him, my heart aches for him, I don’t know what I’ll do if he gets the same treatment from his grandparents” you say, eyes glazed with unshed tears
You quickly rubbed your eyes to get rid of the tears and apologized profusely
“you really liked kids don’t you?” Sakusa says, his eyes now on you
“yeah, I was an adopted kid so yeah” you chuckled
“I did not know that” Sakusa says, his eyes softened
“it doesn’t really matter, I was took in by a family who loved me and took care of me even when they didn’t have much” you smiled and continued on with your work
There was a few minutes of silence between the both of you when he finally spoke up
“hey y/n” he calls
“yes sir?” you asked
“let’s take Kaito to my parents tomorrow”
Taglist: @meri-soni-meri-tamanna @seashellmichellee @tetsuhoes @akaashislovelywife @strawberryzos @kuroohoeee @underratedmage @popping-cherries @uwu-iwanttodie @wonhyuksstuff @ @knmsapplepi @stormcastello @si-m-p
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Are you still taking song drabbles? If you are, then could you do "Monster" by all time low ft blackbear for Dabi? ty <3
I am!! High quality song choice btw 👀
Sorry these are taking me so long but I really hope this one and the others I’ll eventually get to 😬 are worth the wait!
Tw for depiction of a toxic relationship, disassociation, mention of (but no actual) drug addiction, mild sexual content, degradation, mentions of dacryphilia, edging, and overstimulation
“You need to leave him (y/n) this isn’t healthy.”
It’s the same spiel you’ve heard a million times before.
Every time Dabi disappears on you you’re left a mess. And every time your friends are the ones who pick up the pieces of you and put you back together again as best they can. It’s always a long, drawn out process as they force you to do the most basic of tasks like eating and showering. It almost always takes at least a month to get you to a point where you can function in public for even the briefest of moments and every time they reassemble you the end result is always just a little bit more not right. Then after weeks of radio silence he’ll come creeping back and you’ll fall right back into his arms until the cycle repeats itself.
“He’ll call. He always calls eventually,” you refute. The incredulous and exasperated look you get back is as pointless as it is expected. Your friends just don’t get it. What you and Dabi have is special right? Right. Sure he’s been a ghost even longer than usual this time but he’ll call. He will. And then it’ll be alright. And one day soon, once he’s accomplished all his goals, the two of you will runaway together, leaving Japan behind.
Except another month passes
And then another
And then another
Until suddenly it’s been a year with no word and even you have lost hope.
You make your way to your friend’s house in a fog, barely processing the world around you, feeling like your body is merely a puppet you were struggling to yank forward. You’re not even sure you fully remember the journey, just one moment you’re about to cross the main road by your house and the next you’re turning the corner to theirs. They take one look at you before pulling you into a hug and inside the apartment. It’s like the show of affection is the final straw necessary to break your loyalty to Dabi and as you sob into your friend’s arms you decide that for real this time, you’re done. You’re done waiting around for him to call you again, done waiting for him to love you the way you deserve.
So you start to move on.
You lean on your friends, focus more on work and the few healthy relationships you have left, and slowly but surely you put back the pieces of you you thought Dabi had burned to ash. The craziest part? It works. With each passing day you get better, stronger, happier, and your friends beam with pride. You’d think you were a drug addict from the way your friends would talk about you “getting clean” but you can’t find it in yourself to blame them when it feels like Dabi was your own personal brand of heroin.
It’s New Year’s now and you’re giggling in the cab with your friend on your way home from the New Year’s Eve celebration you’d both attended. You feel light and bright from the champagne you’d sipped and the city lights are just a blur outside the window. When you finally do arrive, you slip out of the car, stumbling slightly and still giggling as your friend waves goodbye from where they’re still seated. You turn to walk to your door but your friend calls out to you, drawing your attention back. They’re half leaning out the car’s window, the cab driver looking thoroughly annoyed by now but your friend doesn’t care as they grin at your drowsily. “I’m so fucking proud of you (y/n),” they beam and the smile you give them back is even more radiant than the fireworks you’d watched earlier. As the taxi finally pulls away someone starts setting off another round of fireworks so you redirect your gaze to the sky as you turn back towards your front door. When your eyes slide back down, however, you notice a figure leaning against your front door, illuminated only by the explosions bursting above you. As you take a hesitant step closer your eyes suddenly meet familiar electric blue ones and your blood runs cold. Another firework bursts and in the resultant light you can more clearly see the scars and the condescending smirk.
“Hey Doll, miss me?” Dabi asks, smirk widening.
You’ve imagined this moment in your head quite a few times over the past year of healing. Sometimes you’d imagine yourself screaming at him, cursing him for making you waste years of your life trailing after him, coming up with swears no one had ever heard before just to express your hatred and anger for him. Sometimes, and these had been your favorite scenarios, you imagined yourself being completely indifferent to him, shrugging off his words and respectfully asking him to leave. You liked imagining you were so far removed, so thoroughly over him, that you didn’t even care anymore that he’d returned.
It turns out you do neither of those things.
Instead, without your say so, you find your feet carrying you towards him, slowly at first and then suddenly you’re running. You throw yourself into his arms and as he chuckles the vibrations through his chest and into yours rattle the pieces you’d worked so hard to mend in his absence and send them all shattering again. He is your weakness, your kryptonite, and you are helpless to his innate magnetism. So you let him inside your home and you don’t question why he abandoned you for two years and you don’t yell or scream or dismiss him at all. You let him tug you to your bedroom and treat you as if no time has passed.
He’s balls deep inside you, having just bottomed out, when you start crying. He doesn’t really care, but you’re blubbering unattractively and that’s not the kind of crying he’s looking for right now. He wants tears slipping down your cheeks from how full you feel, from being denied your orgasm when you’re so close, and then again from having too many once he’s decided you’re allowed to cum. He doesn’t want whatever emotional bullshit you’re spewing right now as your hands find his cheeks. Your glassy eyes stare into his and all he can think about is how pathetic you look as you force your sobs down enough to make whatever stupid point you’re trying to.
“Please just…. Tell me that you love me even if it’s fake,” you finally whimper.
He laughs in your face.
“You really are a pathetic little whore,” he continues to chuckle and it fucking hurts but then he’s continuing, “but you’re my pathetic little whore. I love you (y/n).”
And just like that you’re hooked again.
Later that night when he’s finally been sated and you’re curled up on his chest, you can’t help but think about how disappointed your friends would be; how disappointed the you from only a few hours before would be, if they could see you now. You don’t mean to voice your next words out loud but they slip from your lips unbidden just like the tears pouring out of your eyes and wetting your cheeks:
“Why do I run back to you like I don’t mind if you fuck up my life?”
Dabi doesn’t answer.
He just smirks.
General Taglist: @ahtsuwu @oikawaandkuroostan @oliviasslut @black-rose-29
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I’ve been thinking about Qui-Gon a lot lately (through various things like creator commentary, some fic that managed to make me really adore him, fandom reactions, my eternally conflicted M&A feelings, etc.) and honestly I keep coming back to how we have so little of the character that almost anything anyone says on him is pretty much pure projection. You can say some nice things about him in TPM, but you can also say some less than flattering things about him in TPM. Like, the idea that Qui-Gon shows more compassion than Obi-Wan for calling Jar Jar a “pathetic creature”? This is the same guy who said, “The ability to speak does not make one intelligent.” and was condescending right to Jar Jar’s face. No, Qui-Gon was not kinder to him than Obi-Wan was. (And the “pathetic lifeform” thing is clearly not serious, imo. Especially considering, in The Clone Wars, it’s Obi-Wan who is shown to be the one who does things like making a special effort to avoid the attacking creatures on Ryloth.)
You know who else wasn’t kind to Jar Jar? Padme makes her disdain for him BLATANTLY clear, right to his face, on Rodia. But that never seems to comeup, either because it’s TCW or because she’s not a Jedi. It’s a thing that a lot of characters do, including on TCW. You know who is pretty damn nice to Jar Jar, though? Mace Windu. He’s obviously annoyed at some points, but he treats Jar Jar with respect and kindness, far more than Qui-Gon ever did. And Qui-Gon as the most compassionate Jedi? Again, no, because what he did to Obi-Wan in the Council Chamber wasn’t cruel, but it was really uncaring of how that would affect Obi-Wan. It was focused entirely on Anakin, like Anakin was the only person who mattered. His kindness to Anakin was very sweet! But he was kind of a dick to Obi-Wan, even if I think that Obi-Wan understood why and wasn’t that hurt by it and Qui-Gon trusted that. Then you have M&A where Qui-Gon never really talks to Obi-Wan. He thinks all these things about Obi-Wan, but never actually says them. And when Obi-Wan questions him, Qui-Gon gets real defensive and snippy. And that’s setting aside that he had a chance to actually help shape the Jedi in the ways he thought would be better and then he said no after the Jedi Council specifically asked him to be part of it because he had different opinions. That’s part of the book, that’s canon. He’s not a bad person! He cares very much. I think Obi-Wan understood why Qui-Gon did what he did. But we really don’t see much of who he is beyond the movie and M&A and neither of them ever show us Qui-Gon being particularly compassionate or caring above and beyond what you can find Obi-Wan or Yoda or Mace or any of the other Jedi doing. And, as much as this was inspired by Dave’s comments, I’m actually really :/ about his whole thing about how Anakin not having a dad was a “failing” as if nuclear families are the only kind of love that are important, as if a supportive, caring community means nothing. As if we don’t see Jedi taking care with their younglings. As if children without father figures are incomplete somehow? Like, I usually love Dave, but everything he said about TPM only works on the surface and pretty much everything he says is contradicted by the movie itself or George’s commentary–like George has specifically said if Anakin had been found by the Jedi earlier, he would have been fine, that’s not “only Qui-Gon could have kept him from falling”. I get wanting to defend the prequels and their place in the story and their connection to the themes, but I really disagree with his entire take on that movie, based on the content of the movie (Qui-Gon being a dick to Jar Jar, to Obi-Wan, etc.) and George’s commentary on the movies. Again, Qui-Gon is not a bad character, but he’s a very blank character, you can project pretty much whatever you want onto him, that’s what’s so frustrating, because there’s just not enough either way, and what little we have in canon really contradicts that whole theory. ETA: Okay, I’m going to add some George Lucas quotes to this to better show what I mean, because this was originally meant to be just an informal thing but I think it would help to be a little more serious about it: Qui-Gon Jinn commentary from The Phantom Menace: “So here we’re having Qui-Gon wanting to skip the early training and jump right to taking him on as his Padawan learner, which is controversial, and ultimately, the source of much of the problems that develop later on.” –George Lucas, The Phantom Menace commentary That… is really not what Dave said about Qui-Gon. “The fact that everything must change and that things come and go through [Anakin’s] life and that he can’t hold onto things, which is a basic Jedi philosophy that he isn’t willing to accept emotionally and the reason that is because he was raised by his mother rather than the Jedi. If he’d have been taken in his first year and started to study to be a Jedi, he wouldn’t have this particular connection as strong as it is and he’d have been trained to love people but not to become attached to them.” –George Lucas, Attack of the Clones commentary Basically, if Anakin had been found earlier, he would have been fine, he would have been trained to love people, as per George Lucas’ words. Ie, YES THE JEDI DO LOVE PEOPLE. The only time I’ve seen George talk about Anakin’s fate is when it’s specifically about Anakin’s choice in it, not outside influences making choices for him: “It’s fear of losing somebody he loves, which is the flipside of greed. Greed, in terms of the Emperor, it’s the greed for power, absolute power, over everything. With Anakin, really it’s the power to save the one he loves, but it’s basically going against the Fates and what is natural.“ –George Lucas, Revenge of the Sith commentary Because Star Wars is about choice just as much as it’s about family. And that family shouldn’t have to be a nuclear family to have a loving, supportive community. As if Plo Koon didn’t love and support Ahsoka. As if we don’t see Obi-Wan reaching out to Anakin over and over again in care, concern, and support, in the movies, in The Clone Wars, in the comics, in the novels, etc. As if we didn’t see a whole gaggle of Jedi ready to jump up and teach Ahsoka because they cared about her. As if we didn’t see Jedi after Jedi after Jedi sacrificing themselves in Order 66 to save their Padawans. Dave Filoni, you read Kanan: The Last Padawan where Depa sacrifices her life for Caleb or watch the Order 66 scene in Jedi: Fallen Order where Jaro Tapal sacrifices himself for Cal AND YOU TRY TO TELL ME JEDI DIDN’T LOVE.
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pairing: bts x eighth member!reader [platonic]
summary: omg i just real some of your eight member scenarios and eveerything was so good!! i wasnt into eight member things before but now.. im super in! 😭 can you do a scenario about compilation of the members little caring act on stage, backstage, when theres camera or not, something like that to the eight members?? if you make it then i would be so delighted. than you !!
warnings: none, it’s just really fluff :( some of it might not make sense, but i really love this
A lot of things could be said about your brothers. Each and every one of them had their moments and mistakes, just like you did. Some people would call them rude, or selfish amongst other things, but the one thing they could never say, is that they didn’t care about you. ARMY pointed it out all the time; they even had compilations of moments the eight of you cared for each other, but your favorite were the ones titled things like: “six minutes of proof that bts’ world revolves around y/n.”
Jin jumped as your head fell against his bicep. You were at an afterparty for an awards show the eight of you had been asked to present at. The music wasn’t too loud- you used to joke that it was because everyone knew rich people liked to brag. You had no idea where the rest of your brothers were but you and Jin had been perched on the oddly comfortable sofa as he socialized. He could feel your hairpins digging into his shoulder.
“Y/N, are you okay?” You didn’t answer and he moved slightly so that he could reach across and tap your arm, but you moved with him. He felt your even breathing and sighed. You still had around two hours left before they could leave.
One of the girls he had been talking to chuckled as you gave a tiny shiver in your sleep. “She must be tired.”
He smiled at her before slipping off his blazer to cover you with it. “She works hard, sometimes I think she works harder than the rest of us,” he chuckled, pulling you closer so that he could make sure she was comfortable.
No one knows how a fan account had that video trending on twitter under the hashtag #BabyY/N three days later.
✦✧✦✧
One bad thing about being the only girl in an idol group, is that sometimes you get the least amount of consideration. Not because they didn’t respect you or anything like that, it’s just that after styling for seven boys, you think sometimes the staff tends to forget you are not a guy, or maybe they had never seen a girl in real life.
Or at least that’s what the short dress you were wearing had you feeling like. It’s not like it wasn’t pretty, a black skirt and connected by a thin, white lacy strip that wrapped around your abdomen. It was gorgeous, and the silky ribbon of a choker around your neck made it look even better, but it was just.. so short.
You powered through like a trooper, despite the fear in the back of your mind that you were flashing the entire audience while you danced. The minute the song stopped and everyone moved to get a drink of water, Yoongi was taking his jacket off and tying it around your waist.
Not speaking into the mic, you let him do as he wanted but asked, “Are you even allowed to do that? Won’t the stylist say something about how you ruined her outfit?”
Tightening the knot of material, he rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what the stylist has to say right now. Not only is your outfit not okay, but it’s obviously making you uncomfortable. You can wear this until the next outfit change.”
“Thank you,” you hugged him briefly, glad he had your back.
✦✧✦✧
There was a time where you guys were recording a live during a long break while at practice. Fans talked about it for ages afterwards. Taehyung sat against one of the mirrors, holding his phone, while Jimin was in the picture beside him.
“Basically, that’s it. We haven’t really-”
“Y/N, stop running around, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Jimin’s voice cut in, making the other man look over.
“What is she doing?”
Jimin huffed, “I have no idea, but she’s going to- Y/N, at least t- no actually come here, I’ll do it for you.”
And when you bounced into the view of the camera, only for all the fans to see Jimin pulling your foot to him so he could tie your shoe. “Be careful this time, even if you’re playing tag.”
✦✧✦✧
Jeongguk laughed at the camera, the comments being ridiculous. He was doing a live, answering questions about the embarrassing moments he chose to talk about. “No, it was funny! He fell, but then he tried to play it off by doing pushups, but he feel while trying to do that, so-”
He heard the door open in the background, and the camera saw him turn to the side just before he let out an “oomf.” The side profile of your face was visible to the viewers as you moved to curl against him on the bed. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, and he frowned. “It’s really late, you’re supposed to be asleep.”
You mumbled, “I was, but then I got scared and woke up. I didn’t want to be alone.” He pouted at that. You tended to have nightmares whenever you were stressed, and since he was the one who found out about them first, he was usually the person you ran to.
“Do you wanna sleep in here?” He asked softly. Everyone tuned in could hear everything, but your brother barely remembered that he was even recording as he fussed over you. You nodded, already drifting off on his shoulder. He smiled down at you before turning back to the camera. He read the many comments of everyone cooing over you. “Yeah, she’s alright. I’ll tell her to tell you guys herself tomorrow. Anyways..”
✦✧✦✧
Of course, there were incidents that were more serious.
The sun was setting, which made the perfect picture for the shoot you guys were about to do. The rooftop everyone was on was beautiful and stone, the kind of background you saw in movies. The sun seemed to glitter, and the wind made everything sway until the lake’s seemingly glittering waves caught your eye. “Whoa,” you gasped, moving closer to get a look.
“Y/N-”
You waved off Taehyung’s warning. “I’ll be careful! I just want to get a closer look!” You walked back over to the edge, admiring the way the sun sparkled on the water. You subconsciously leaned closer, moving your body a little too far against the thin railing, but before you could topple over, a hand grabbed the back of your jacket with a tight grip, yanking you back until you were a good distance away from the railing.
Your back hit someone else’s and you recognized Taehyung as you turned to see him. He stared down at you. “I said be careful!”
“I’m sorry,” you said a little shakily. Taehyung sighed before pulling you back into a hug. “Having a little sister is so hard, you’re not leaving my sight for the rest of the day.”
✦✧✦✧
Another moment fans loved to talk about actually happened at a fansign. You smiled brightly as the next fan came up to you, following the line. “Hello!” you greeted happily.
Something about this girl threw you off though, and the look in her eyes had you unintentionally leaning away from her. You couldn’t decipher it, but when nothing happened, you told yourself you were just overthinking it. She was probably just excited to meet what could have been her favorite artist group, right?
You stood by Hoseok as the fansign ended, moving to follow him out of then venue. He chuckled as he looked at you. “You have that look.”
You wrinkled your nose. “What look?”
“The one that says you’re hungry,” he teased, poking you in the stomach, making you whine. “Well, maybe-”
“Y/N!” You turned around, cutting yourself off mid sentence, to see the fan from earlier. “I found you.” Her smile was a little too bright as she reached for you, only for Hoseok to push you behind him as you stuttered out, “I’m sorry, we really have to go.”
You moved to attempt to leave after that, but her demeanor quickly changed. Her face changed from too happy and delighted, to dark and angry. Her eyes narrowed, and she reached for you more aggressively this time. “Don’t be son ungrateful,” she squeezed your wrist painfully and you cried out as security finally made their way over.
Hoseok immediately pulled you to him, looking at the rapidly forming bruise on your wrist. Even though at the moment, it was just a large red mark, his face still tightened. “This never should have happened,” he cursed when he noticed tears in your eyes.
He pulled you into a hug as he waited for the rest of your brothers to show up. “It won’t happen again,” he promised you.
✦✧✦✧
The moment that was probably the most talked about, was when a talk show host felt the need to ask you how it felt. Namjoon shared a glance with you.
“Excuse me?” you asked timidly, straightening up.
The interviewer turned to you. “Oh, you speak English! I was just asking how it felt to be so similar to a child all the time.” The man’s tone of voice didn’t even change, but the idea that he had expected Namjoon to translate this to you, and now casually asked you as if there was nothing wrong with the question. “You know, they’re always taking care of you, it makes it seem like you can’t do anything by yourself. Does it ever irritate you?”
You tried laughing it off, the chuckle leaving your lips as you ticked a strand of hair behind your ear awkwardly. “Not really. They’re not doing anything to be condescending, and I know that.”
“Do you feel like that is because you need their help?”
“That’s enough,” Namjoon cut in, his jaw clenched as he slid forward a little in his seat as if to help get his point across. “Y/N is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. We pitch in to check on her because we love and care about her, and she does the same for us. She is not a child but a grown woman who we love and care about enough to make sure she’s okay and gets the nice treatment she deserves. With all due respect, if you insult our sister again, we will be forced to cut this short.”
You looked over to him, offering a silent thank you as the interviewer coughed, trying to recover. The bad news was that this interview was live, so he really couldn’t do anything but sit there and realized he had just embarrassed himself.
Honestly, what else is there to say? You loved and cared about your brothers, and they loved and cherished you.
#aimee grace writes#bts#bts eighth member#'bts 8th member#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#kim namjoon#park jimin#kim taehyung#jeon jeongguk#bts imagine#bts x reader
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Needed to get this campaign wrap-up rant off my chest...
This is the specific part that irked me:
MATT: "While he never voiced this in game, Caleb's feelings for Jester have been an important part of his journey. Did he ever come close to confessing? How was playing such a long lasting, one-sided love after our last campaign's bittersweet ending for a Vax and Kiki?"
LIAM: I was never going to do romance of any kind, one-sided or otherwise in this campaign, because I felt like we really explored that pretty heavily campaign one. I think you'll remember Jester drove Caleb nuts at the beginning of the campaign, and so it was nothing that I ever expected at all. And then when they were in, was it Rexxentrum wherever the dance hall was. And I alluded to this earlier, dancing was never anything that I imagined for Caleb, but it was just like, and you were asking him to dance, Jester was asking him to dance. I was like, "Oh, this could be an interesting way to like sort of seed my story, that we're not really around yet." And there was something about, not the dancing, but the way that Jester treated him kindly after the fact like his response was to be like, "I'm going to go fucking vomit in a street, and just be by myself," and she wouldn't let it happen. And that was just like this first little moment where someone was like-- Everyone in the Nein-- I want to answer another question while I'm answering this. I wonder if we had gone that different direction that we talked about earlier where we didn't go crime, and we had gone into Rexxentrum earlier, and if Caleb had started interfacing with his past earlier, I think he would have had a gnarlier, more severe trajectory in this campaign. If he had touched his past sooner, it would have changed what he was, but he spent way too much with the Nein, for when we finally did catch up to them, it was too late, that he'd already been healed enough by the Nein, it didn't matter. And everyone in the Nein had an effect on Caleb, they all had their love like in different ways; Yasha, he could relate to. Caduceus was like a guru that confused but inspired. Fjord, who Caleb thought was real hot at the beginning of the campaign, was a great leader and, like, just I don't know, I feel like he was his closest friend, outside of Nott, early in the campaign. Beau brought tough love. Veth was this ultimate support no matter what happened. But what started to happen with Jester was that she was treating Caleb like the person-- She was treating him as if he was the person he should have been. Like none of it had happened. And he became like-- It just got in him, but he would have never wanted to saddle her with all his shit. And the difference, like-- There was also a point in the campaign where I could see, in Yasha's absence, Beauregard warming up to her, and I already quietly been thinking and going like, "Well, I'll just have this little thing that maybe fans will see," and some did early on, like it was silent. It was all silent. And then I was like, "Well, Travis is never going to do it." Oh, Travis just came online, so the entire side of the table quietly like, "Oh," at Jester for a while. But Caleb knew that Beau and Fjord would've been far better for her, because they would have put aside anything for Jester and made her their number one. And Caleb knew that, as much as she like changed him and helped him in a very specific way, and and he quietly fell in love with her and like a Jane Austen, I'm never going to say it. That he would never have set aside the things that he was trying to do. He would never have set aside trying to either get back to his parents and fix that. He would never set aside trying to undo the Cerberus Assembly if he were strong enough, so, like, that was too all-consuming, and so he would never wanted to saddle her with it, so it was always going to stay inside. And there were multiple times in the campaign where Jester teasingly needled Caleb, and I was terrified that you would say the word "Insight check," multiple times.
LAURA: I think I did it once.
LIAM: Well, you must have rolled really low when you did because I did my best to like pull faces at you, and poo poo it, and do something silly to dodge out of those situations.
LAURA: Are you secretly in love with me?
LIAM: And yeah, you said that, and I went like (blows raspberries) that's fucking ridiculous with my face, and we moved on. (laughter)
LAURA: It's so funny when you joke about the whole table being in love with Jester because Jester had, like, no concept of it at all. Her whole upbringing was everybody being in love with her mother, and her whole, and she knew she's so different from Marion, in her appearance, and the way she presents herself that-- To her, that is what people want, that's what everybody would be in love with. And so there was never-- She would never have thought in a million years that Beau would have been interested, or that Caleb would have been interested, or that Fjord would have been interested. She tried to be Marion and when she was coming on to him in the early campaign, and obviously, it did not work. So she was like, "Okay, then-- Nobody's-- That's not going to happen for me." So it just like turned off in her brain, like nobody will.
TRAVIS: There was a moment where that stopped, too, because like you doing the thing that you thought your mom did and that worked, you know, Fjord's like, "I've never been flirted with before, I don't know what this is. Stop doing it." All that behavior stopped, and you like let the happy Jester fall away. Like, I think it was on the sea, right, like with the jellyfish scene. And then it all happened.
MARISHA: That's when you started crying. There was a few times where there was these moments of Jester smiling, but tears were streaming down her face.
TRAVIS: Yeah.
MARISHA: Trying to be the happiest person in the room. And then, yeah. I don't know. Jester always had this, but I think why Jester is so enigmatic, and so easy fall in love with is because she is the purest person in the room, so that it invites this kind of--
LIAM: Which doesn't even mean innocent, it just means the purest person--
MARISHA: Pure, yeah. It's just very endearing and it got in the way-- and this is almost going to sound condescending-- but almost in the way that a child is where if a little girl runs up to you, and they're like, "Look at this card, I think I want to cover the whole thing in glitter." You kind of have no choice, but to be like, "Yeah, that's a great idea."
LAURA: Yeah.
MARISHA: Cover the whole thing, and like, even if it's bad. She felt like almost like the perfect exercise for "Yes, and-ing." Like, the concept of "Yes, and-ing," because half of them were terrible ideas, but you were like, "Yeah, brilliant."
LAURA: Also, I feel that people are drawn to somebody who sees the best in them, right? You're drawn to somebody that loves you, and she just has an unconditional love for like everybody--
LIAM: She changes everyone she meets, including a hag in a hut.
MARISHA: Yeah.
TRAVIS: Yes.
Laura’s answer here is, for the most part, true. Jester was always pretty oblivious to people being into her. That was a pretty clear character trait. However, that still doesn't explain her roleplaying choices after Beau’s confession. And I wish someone was able to ask her about that and get a direct answer. Why was there a behavior shift? Was it just Laura trolling and teasing Marisha about it, or was Laura actually trying to force Beau to confess directly?
There was a pretty condescending post about this that I found in the discourse tag that said: I know it won't happen cause people never cared about what she says anyway, but Laura confirming again that Jester never knew about Caleb and Beau's feelings for her should be enough to stop the dumb takes like "bj was happening before the hiatus but then they decided to change it" or "Jester was falling in love with Caleb and she changed it" or whatever.
‘Laura confirming again’ Again? What other time has she said this?
‘Jester never knew about Caleb and Beau’s feelings’ Laura said that ‘She would never have thought in a million years that they would be interested’ and included Fjord in that section too, so whatever point this person’s trying to make is moot.
Countering that, I want to say, that nothing in Laura’s answer seemed to give the impression that Jester would have turned down Beau (or, hate to say it, even Caleb) had they actually confessed to her. There’s nothing in her answer to imply that Jester could not have reciprocated those feelings had she known. Nowhere did I get the implication that Jester was only ever interested in men and that Fjord was the only viable choice. (Laura still has not addressed Jester’s sexuality. FJ shippers love to ignore that, and still swear up and down that she’s straight.)
Now when Marisha piped in, she didn’t even focus on Beau’s feelings, and the depth of what she was feeling at the time. Instead, she’s wrote them off. Again. Intentionally minimizing and essentially doubling down on what was said in ep108. That it’s just so easy for anyone to fall for Jester, even going as far as calling her ‘pure’. Basically infantilizing her, by comparing her behavior to that of a child which yes, Marisha, does sound condescending. (You can add that to the list of ‘sparkles’ ‘confetti’ and ‘shiny’.) And that’s it. That’s the extent to which she talks about it.
Also, the fact that the Beaujester stuff was only brought up (very briefly and casually), as a sort of ‘b’ topic to WJ. Liam got to go off on this whole extremely long-winded reminiscing answer because he got a direct question about it. It’s like, “And none for Beaujester!” Once again, Caleb’s feelings being given more weight than Beau’s ever were.
So, another kick in the teeth. Not so much from Laura. But from Marisha. The person who MADE THE CHOICE to inject Beau developing feelings for Jester into the canon narrative. The way Marisha talks about it now, it’s just a complete mind fuck as to why she made the decision to have Beau confess at all. Why even open that door? Even if she felt, at the time, that Beau would feel this way, she could’ve just kept it to herself. And not made waves about it. And not doubled down on it the following week. And not had continued for at least THREE MONTHS after that to roleplay Beau STILL having obvious feelings for Jester. I mean, come the fuck on.
Look at ep93 with the Hag. When Jester was telling the group that she gave the Hag something she had never given anyone before. Beau frowned and said, “Did you kiss her?” Beau had it so bad she got jealous of the Hag. Jealous of a fucking monster. Then ep94. Beau wanted to climb a tree to get a better look at their surroundings. Out of the blue, Jester smacked Beau’s ass to give her Guidance. She shot up the tree like a rocket and Jester was impressed. Marisha had to make it a point to say, “She thinks it’s the Traveler. It’s just ‘cause Jester smacked my ass though. I’m just very invigorated by THAT.” And of course ep99, with the sunburn compliment.
Marisha was definitely keeping this thing going, all the way up until the hiatus.
So why the weird answers? Why the vagueness? Why does she seem so insistent on driving home to the viewers that Beau’s feelings were/are no big deal. Does she think that talking about Beau’s feelings to the fullest and reminiscing (like Liam did) on a few of their moments would be some sort of insult to BY?
I will never stop being baffled.
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Together
Chapter 4 to 100 Promises
Chapter 3 | Chapter 5
It's going to start off where chapter... 2? Left off. I think it was chapter 2 anyways.
Warnings: swearing, weapons, and I think that's it. This chapter isn't that bad.
You feel down to the floor, staring out to the person standing on the balcony. 'Why did I have fucking glass see through doors? Oh fuck my taste in aesthetics!' You thought, looking around a bit panicked, looking for any type of solutions. You quickly crawled besides the bed, hoping they didn't see you. They did. It was to dark out without any lights, so you couldn't see any specific features, other than they were tall, and had some sort of weapon. "Please be locked please be locked please be locked," you muttered, grabbing the dagger you had from the game. The person turned the doorknob from the outside, opening the door. "Oh, fuck me!" You shouted standing up, pointing the dagger at them. "Try me bitch, see what happens! I am not afraid to stab you!"
"Woah there. Didn't think you'd hate me that much," they said, laughing. You recognized that voice. That laugh. You'd know it from anywhere, although it sounded a bit more... confident.
"Niragi?" You asked, hopeful in his answer. "That's me," he said, finally stepping into the part of your room that had enough light from the moon to see. You dropped the dagger, your eyes widening. "You're not? You're not dead," you whispered, walking over to him. "Dead? Why would I be-" he started, before you hugged him tightly. He could feel the shaky breaths you were taking, and decided now wasn't the time. "You stupid fuck, I thought you were dead!" You suddenly shouted, pushing him away. "Yeah? Well, I thought you were safe back home you dumb bitch!" He shouted back. You two looked at each other with a straight face for a few seconds before bursting into laughter.(that's how you know you're best friends UwU)
"I'm so glad I found you! Well... you found me? I don't know, I don't care. How did you find me?" You asked, watching as he walked around your old room. "An educated guess," he said. You laughed watching as he walked around. "I'm guessing all your stuff is at our apartment?" He guessed. You nodded. "Not like I would need it. Also, what's with the gun? And how did you find out I was even here?" You asked, it suddenly dawning on you there was no possible way he could've known. "To your first question, I'll answer in a bit. To your second question, a... Cheshire cat of sort, I guess you could say," he answered with a smirk. "Cheshire cat? The only person who I've even talked to is- wait... that little! Does he have really blonde, almost white hair and a very condescending look all the time? Pretty short?" You asked, getting a bit angry at the thought that someone had lied to you, and you hadn't caught on. "Uh.. yeah? Wait, do you know him?" It was Niragi's turn to be confused. "That little bitch! He told me- hmph! I'm going to kick his ass off a roof next time I see him!" You yelled in anger. Niragi knew when you got angry to let you rant. You were scary when you were angry. He learned that pretty early on, and learned to stay out of your way when you want to deal with someone. "Yeah, he has that effect on people. He pisses me off. Chishiya... he's well, Chishiya. Thinks he's better than everyone sometimes, I swear," Niragi said. You stopped your rant with a sigh. "Sorry. This is kind of a new situation. Don't know how to deal with it," you muttered sitting on the edge of your bed. Another thing Niragi noticed early on was that you didn't do exceptional with change. "It's human nature to adapt to new things. Just takes you a bit longer. And from what I heard, you did great for your first game," Niragi said as he sat next to you. "Who- oh... Chishiya... Where have you been staying since the games started?" You asked, looking at him curiously. "That's actually what I came here to talk about. Basically, it's a 'safe haven' called the Beach. Players go there, we all play the games when assigned, collect the cards, and give them to Hatter, the leader. Basically communism," he explained. "The fuck?" Were your only words. He laughed. "The more games you play, the more cards you collect, or the more useful you are to the Beach, the higher you wristband number. Right now, we think that if we collect a complete deck of cards, a person can leave. The number 1 leaves first, then we all go up a number," he kept explaining, showing you his wrist band. "4? What did you do to get up that high?" You asked, amazed at his high ranking. "Played the games. Oh, and I guess I'm part of the milital sect, so there's that," he said. He found it cute how you were so excited about something so... irrelevant to him. He had always found it interesting how your emotions could go like the flip of a switch. You could be a total badass one second and the next be curled up under blankets acting cute.
"You're so mean to me!" You pouted, crossing your arms over your chest. He could only laugh in response. "Jerk! I'll lock you out!" You shouted, stomping your foot. He knew you were lying, and you wouldn't. Or, at least he thought so.
"(Y/N), it's been 3 hours, come on I'm sorry," he apologized for what seemed to be the hundredth time to him. You really had locked him out on the balcony. You sat in front of the glass doors, sticking your tongue out at him. "(Y/N), you're 17, not 5 for God's sake, let me in already! You're being really annoying right now!" He shouted, getting angry at you now. Not something that happened very often. You tilted your head to the side, and frowned. You unlocked the door and opened it. He came into the room, and you went and sat on your bed. "Fucking finally..." he whispered to himself. He heard you say something under your breath.
"What was that?" He asked, looking at you. " 'M sorry... don't be mad. I didn't mean to be annoying," you whispered loud enough for him to hear. He suddenly regretted his choice of words from earlier. Being childish sometimes was how you expressed your feelings. You didn't get to be or act like a child when you were younger, so with him, you felt like you could be. He realized that you trusted him enough to do that, and he had been rude about it. "I'm not mad at you. I shouldn't have used those words, I know it's just you being you," he said, sitting down besides you. "I'm sorry I locked you out..." you muttered an apology as you hugged him. "Apology accepted. And I'm sorry for what I did for you to lock me out, and for what I said," he apologized, hugging you back. "You just... it scared me, I thought you had actually... actually done that," you whispered. "I'm thought you'd left me..."
He had remembered that day more than most because it showed how much he actually mattered to you. Back then, when he thought he was worthless and how no one would miss him if her were gone, you did. You had always cared, since the first day he met you. It was one thing he liked about you. The way you cared about people, even if they didn't deserve to be cared about. Sure, you had trouble accepting apologies from people who had hurt you, but it didn't stop you from being nice when needed.
"Yumi? Are you alright?" You asked, seeing one of your bullies crying. "G-get away from me freaks," she had stuttered, wiping away the tears. Niragi tried to pull you away. He knew what this girl had said to you. She was always making fun of you, how you looked, your weight.(I mean, I didn't make the reader plus sized(I'll keep it as neutral as possible), but the more I write, the more I want to. Niragi gives me vibes of the skinny guys who love chubby/plus size women. Aka, the best kind of guy) Anything to make you feel bad about yourself. "Let's just go..." he whispered, trying to pull you away. You shook his hand off, walking over to her. "Yumi-San, what's wrong?" You asked, reaching in your bag, finding a tissue and handing it to her. She blew her nose into it. "M-my boyfriend broke up with me. But it's none of your concern, freak," she sniffled. You both knew who her boyfriend was. One of the guys who was in your main group of tormentors. "Oh honey... a pretty girl like you shouldn't cry over trash like him. You are a solid 11/10, he doesn't deserve the tears," you said, taking another tissue, and drying her tears. Even though she was always so rude to you, you had to admit she was a beautiful girl. She had short back hair that was just above her shoulders, and beautiful brown eyes. She didn't like makeup, so she never wore it, so it made her beauty natural. She wasn't curvy, and made a lot of girls look up to her, as she was actually pretty flat chested. She was incredibly smart as well. All in all, she was simply a teenage girl that was attractive to most guys. And a part of you liked that she wasn't the normal beauty standard, because it was just so badass to you. She hadn't used her looks to get ahead either. She was just mean. You had always thought she was pretty, even if she was mean. "If he can't see how pretty you are, then he's not the one for you," you said. "W-why are you being so nice to me? I- I'm always so mean to you," she stuttered. You stopped to think for a second, and looked back at Niragi. He walked over to you, and stood besides you. "Ok... mm... 'M being nice to you 'cause... I wanna be. No one deserves to feel unwanted. And besides, my karma stays clean," you smiled. She laughed. Not a mocking laugh, not a rude laugh, not a fake laugh. You told her some joke to make her feel better, and she started laughing even harder. Her real laugh, not the fake preppy laugh she always did. She snorted, and covered her mouth in embarrassment. "You should laugh like that more often. Your real laugh is so nice," you complemented. Yumi had always hated her laugh, as it wasn't the cute laugh that was described in books. But, then again, neither was yours. "Bye bye Yumi! Hope you feel better soon!" You shouted, waving back at her as you and Niragi left. She smiled to herself, waving back at you.
"I want to take a nap," you muttered as you got closer to your house. "You are something else, you know?"
"If... if I go with you right now, I don't think I'd be that helpful. I've only played in one game after all," you stated. Niragi thought for a moment. He'd talked about you, Chishiya would most certainly talk about you seeing as he would never bring someone from a game up unless they were interesting, and once you showed how you could play, he was sure you'd get a high rank. "I've got my ways. You coming with me, or not?" He asked, getting up.
"Yeah. I don't want to be alone again. Or at least without you again. That's 6 months of my life I didn't have my best friend you asshat."
"That wasn't my fault, I had no say in it!"
"Fuck you."
"This is a personal attack on my hp, you're lowering my health bar with your mean comments."
"Nerd."
"Bitch."
You two basically walked back to the beach like that. Most of the way, anyways. You two knew you meant none of the words, it was just your way of talking to each other. In a playful way.
He had taken you up to a room that had a table with chairs around. In there had been 5 people. One with long ish hair, sunglasses, and a colorful robe, another with tattoos covering his body, a woman with a white, sleeveless button up shirt with black shorts, a man dressed in a black tank top and what you would call 'drill Sargeant pants', and well, you knew the last one. "You little bastard!" You shouted, seeing his smirk. "Everyone, this is (L/N) (Y/N), the girl I told you about,'' Chishiya introduced you, ignoring your words. Niragi held your arm to keep you back from hurting Chishiya. He wanted to see it, but he also didn't want you to die. "Ah, lovely! We've heard about you. All good things, all good things," the man in the robe exclaimed. You smiled a bit, seeing as he seemed to be a person who was a fan of the theatrics. He seemed fun. "That's Hatter. The leader, as I told you earlier," Niragi whispered to you. You nodded. "That's the dissection freak, or Ann," he whispered again, nodding his head over to the woman with black hair."That's Aguni. He's the leader of the milital sect. So, basically, my boss," Niragi whispered again, pointing at him. "And that's Last Boss. We're sort of friends?" He whispered making a gesture to the man with tattoos. "Ah... ok. So, these are all members of the militals?" You asked him quietly. "No, Ann and Chishiya are part of the executives. Aguni is leader of the militals. If you want to work with weapons, that's who you have to impress," Niragi explained. Chishiya had walked over in the time you'd been talking, and only got your attention by tapping your shoulder. You glared down at him. He looked you up and down. "Are you wearing heels, or are you just that tall?" He questioned. You stared down at him. "I'm just this tall?" You said confused. He hummed walking away. Niragi tried to keep his laughter in, and you immediately noticed. You flipped him off, and he acted offended. "So are you two... together?" Hatter asked, noticing you two were standing closely, you went knocked out or trying to kill Niragi. "Together? Like... a relationship? No. Friends? Yes," you said, grabbing his arm. 'Mhm... friends for now.' Ann thought. "We've heard from both Chishiya and Niragi that you're good with weapons?" Ann asked, keeping everyone on track. You nodded. "Which ones?" She asked
You took a big breath, beginning your list, "Knives, swords, bow and arrow, mace, guns I could go into which type if you would like, daggers, throwing knives, crossbow, and many many more but I don't want to bore you."
The room went quiet. "Well... um... that's quite the list. What games have you played in?" Hatter questioned. "Just one... the game with Chishiya," you said, looking down, playing with your- well, technically it was Niragi's, but you thought he was dead, so in your defense, you thought you would never feel the comfort of your best friend's hugs. "Ah, the five of spades, correct?" Hatter asked, more towards Chishiya than you. You both nodded. "Well, before anything, you must know the rules of the Beach. 1, you must wear a swimsuit," he started. "Woah, Woah woah, sorry to interrupt you, but um... why? And uh... he's not wearing one," you stated, pointing at Niragi. "Oi, don't throw me under the bus you dumb whore," he insulted with a smile. You know he didn't mean it in a rude way. Again, you two were best friends. "Sir, I have more blackmail on you than you can think of don't go there with me. For instance I caught you m-" you started, before Niragi put a hand over your mouth. "And that's enough from you. You were saying?" He said, directing his attention back to Hatter. "Uh... what was I saying? Oh yes, he's a milital and carries that gun around so he can't hide weapons. He has access to them, 2 all the cards you collect get handed into me, and 3 Death to the traitors," he finished. You licked Niragi's hand which was still over your mouth. He immediately took his hand off. "Ew! Disgusting!" He shouted, wiping his hand off. You laughed, and everyone else in the room smiled. Especially Hatter. He liked you already. Not in a creepy way, but he enjoyed that you weren't scared. "Anywho, alright. Swimsuit,cards to you, death to the traitors," you repeated. "Good girl," Chishiya said, a teasing tone obvious in his voice. "Tomorrow, you'll be going to a game with Aguni and An. They will decide your skills so we know where to put you. For know, I'm sure that Niragi wouldn't mind showing you to an empty room, and getting you changed into our 'uniform'," Hatter said. "By empty room, you mean she's staying with me until she gets her number, right?" Niragi asked. That's what he wanted, for you to stay with him. You two had almost 6 months of talking to catch up on. "Oki! Come on bubs, lead the way!" You shouted, grabbing his hand. He rolled his eyes, leading you out.
"I bet you guys anything they'll get together," Hatter stated after you two left. "Oh thank the gods I wasn't the only one who thought so," Ann breathed. You two had quite the overwhelming personalities. "I'm sure. She's a smart girl though. From what I saw, she's a potentially strong player for diamonds and hearts," Chishiya stated, watching the spot you had just stood at. "Oh, I think so too. Aguni, what do you think?" Hatter asked, turning his attention to his stoic friend. "We'll have to wait and see for tomorrow," he responded.
Anyways, this is on Wattpad and AO3 as well, I hope you're all having a lovely day/evening
#niragi suguru#niragi × reader#i think its good?#alice in borderland#please dont judge me ^_^#100 Promises
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I need to write this, I need to write this because I am so fucking angry. I am so, so fucking angry, and every problematic shipper I want you to read this. Read it, all the way through, because if you don’t then you are ignoring children you might have harmed.
Tw’s for: beastiality mention, sexual abuse mention, paedophilia mention, typical darkfic trigger warnings in essential
When I was nine, I moved into the Aphmau fandom. Earlier than that, I was an avid reader of Harry potter. Earlier than that, I was into stampy cat and iballisticsquid and skydoesminecraft. I have been in fandoms earlier than my body can remember, and I started in on wattpad when I was very, very young. Just writing, only writing. I had a vague understanding of what sex and smut was as a child, because of unmoderated youtube thumbnails. I ran into sexual themes online, because that is what a child does okay? I will admit that I knew about sex as a child if only barely.
As a kid in fandom, you don't know how to moderate things. As a literal fucking elementary schooler who doesn’t know how to differentiate “Their” “They’re” and “There”, you do not know the difference between right and wrong. You do not understand what an 18+ warning is, and you don’t know what the fuck a dead dove is and why anyone would want to eat it in the first place. You do not understand, and i think that this is something that problematic content creators expect of literal fucking children, and i also think that it is extremely irrational and condescending for you to do so.
When I was a bit older, maybe twelve/thirteen, I found ao3. I found twitter, tumblr, bnha and anime. I was excited because it was a community, so I became super involved as fast as I could. I had still not hit puberty yet. I hadn’t even learned the pythagorean theorem yet. I didn’t entirely understand variables and I had no clue that washing your face was basic hygiene. I am bringing this up to display to you that I. WAS. A. CHILD. A kid. Five years ago at this point I still had trouble jump-roping. I was a kid who had average decision-making skills for their age and who found the idea of boys gross, crushes were based on who was fastest in gym class.
I let go of tumblr because I couldn’t grasp what on earth it was supposed to be used for and how it was supposed to be used, I posted shitty depressed memes on reddit because I thought I was edgy. And then I got involved in fandom twitter.
Me, my friends, we recommended each other cute ship threads and discussed Notps and did “toxic fandom stuff” because we were children who still celebrated valentines day with sweet-tarts and holographic paper cards. I still knew jack shit about sex and relationships because as a child sex education is just “this is a penis, this is a vagina, this is how you don’t get pregnant, any questions?”
So when one day, i decide to type “BNHA” into the search bar of twitter, intent on finding cute things to share with my online friends and instead am greeted with a picture of a character raping another character, I don’t know exactly what to do.
Let me repeat that; I looked up JUST the word “BNHA”. Just that. Nothing else.
And I, a child, who has no decision making skills, clicks on the post. Because it makes me feel funny, and children are curious.
As a middle schooler. As a child who had the average physical and mental capacity to resist impulse, aka none, as someone who used Uwu and OwO unironically, who thought spelling “as” with a Z made me quirky and fun, discovered a main-tagged post of a character being nsfwed in a sexual assault.
From here, I explored. What you people don’t get is that is what children do. That is what children DO. And you, in all your wonderful wise ways, decide that it is on ME. On someone who had no understanding of what this was, to be the adult and say “I do not think this is right.” You, the thirty year old woman who maintags, are saying that to me, who was a twelve year old.
I think the most traumatic thing I read during that time was an aged-down character, who went from fifteen to five, being sexually abused and pimped out by his mother and forced to have sexual contact with dogs.
Today, I suffer from intense intrusive thoughts that I do not think I need to be diagnosed for, because constantly wondering if you’re going to be sexually assaulted by every single man you come in contact with, having to shoo away evil disgusting thoughts that have made you involuntarily gag and nearly vomit, having to deal with these awful things in my brain is proof enough. Today, I have such a deep-rooted fear of sex and men and relationships that despite me being entirely Heterosexual, wanting children in the future, having these ideas of a family, I feel incapable.
Today, I saw a fic saying that it was my own fault if I found their problematic fic, and today I raged for every child that is going to be messed up by people who choose to blameshift just because they want to use maintags.
As fandom spaces get younger, and the fan age range grows bigger I have noticed a distinct uptick in who is reading and consuming fan content on social media. I know eleven year olds, ten year olds, I have met a nine year old child who messaged like they were twenty. All of these children read fanfiction of characters that they adore, and click on fics that include those characters because they adore them.
I’m going to share another experience that I’ve had with sex and sexual abuse that was self-inflicted, but normalized by the content that I had consumed. As a child, a thirteen year old, I messaged adult men. I went on omegle text chat, I found forums for sexual roleplay, I talked to probably a dozen adults in sexual manners without them knowing or realizing. Even a few women, and I am completely certain this experience is going to scar me until the day that I fucking pass. It makes me feel empty inside, but you know what? Your fics normalized that for me. I read a tweet from an adult, someone much older than me, who talked about having gone into adult spaces as a child. They did the same thing as me. It is a trend, but while I recognize that I was too young to know what I was seeing, reading, hearing from people who were older than me and therefore authority figures, they blamed themself. And that is the most heartbreaking fucking thing.
When you maintag. When you use a main tag, that a child who does not know how to filter out scrolls down on, and they decide that this will be an okay thing for them to consume because adults know better, will you look them in the eyes and tell them the fear of things they don’t understand and haven’t even been introduced to yet is their fault? Will you tell them that ao3 is an adult site for adults and it’s their fault for being stupid enough to read it? Will you tell them that the images that will play in their minds for years until they’re desensitized and so so scared that they’re now a bad person because of it, will you tell them that it was their fault for clicking on it when they were seven, eight, nine?
Frankly, I do not give a shit about what you write. If it is in rpf and you still push it i will think you are a bad person, but other than that I could never care less. But I do care what you tag, because If you write the word bnha on twitter with an image of a young child's favorite character being sexually brutalised? If you maintag a fic where someone is starved till they are nearly dead, infantilised, sexually abused during all of it, and leave it out in the open on a site you know has children, in a fandom you know is targeted towards kids. If your tags leave a child open for attack, harm, mental scarring? I care, because I will not let another child be blamed for something they themselves did not fully understand the weight of.
#fandom#anti anti#problematic authors#problematic shipping#ao3#archive of our own#tw#tumblr#fanfic#fandom space#I have never talked about these experiences with anyone but if there is a time to talk about it it is now.
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Dormouse
Summary:
After playing a game with two of The Beach's most dangerous members, the dormouse gets her tail caught by a tiger's paw.
He’ll make a wildcat out of her.
all my days were spent by a telephone | that never rang and all I needed was a call | that never came to the corner of First and Amistad
IX
Surrounded by armed and dangerous people, Mr. Yamane and his new wife backed away. Aguni kept his eye trained on the pair, while Niragi chortled and faced Yamaneko, who is glaring daggers at Mr. Yamane’s back.
“All of you, scram. Get ready for the games tonight,” Aguni barks, and he turns to walk away. The rest of the militants do as he says, save for Yamaneko, who finally let out a breath she was holding, and Last Boss stood a little closer to her.
Then, she runs after their leader.
“Chief Aguni, wait. I need to say something,” she said.
Stopping to listen to what she has to say, Aguni crosses his arms and lets her continue.
“No one really stood up for me when my father abused his family before I came here. I tried calling the cops once, but they saw who my father was and only left with a warning. I’m more than capable of handling him now, but you still backed me up. Thank you. You have my loyalty as my show of gratitude,” she declares, and gives him a deep bow.
Something in Aguni’s stony facade shifts for a moment; old and painful memories of his own past fleeting through his psyche, but it’s gone after a few seconds. “Get ready for tonight's game, then. Show your loyalty to me by surviving and bringing back a card.”
Without another word, Aguni leaves. Yamaneko turns and presses her face in Takatora’s chest.
“Thank you for defending me, too. I wish I had someone like you long ago,” she whispers.
Truth be told, Takatora wishes she came into his life earlier as well. He begins imagining what life could’ve been like. Perhaps he wouldn’t need to pour his heart out in online columns that no one cared about. Perhaps he wouldn’t have ended up as a recluse if he had someone who understood his existential dread, his philosophy, and him.
“No one’s allowed to hurt my wildcat.”
Hearing those words made her heart go aflutter. Her lover took her back to their shared bed, where she curled up in his arms. She will survive tonight, for her chief, for herself, and for Takatora.
Especially Takatora.
Tonight’s game was a Five of Clubs in an art gallery.
Yamaneko wasn’t sure if she was distracted because of the sudden appearance of her father, or due to the side effects of the pills Sunohara prescribed, but she nearly got roasted alive in the ordeal.
One of the Beach members she came with perished, foolishly braving the jets, only to drop from the pain midway. Now there’s only Chishiya, another woman in a blue bikini whom he referred to as Kuina, and Yamaneko herself. She had seen the other two’s tags; they’re in the top twenty, just like her. Hell, their ranks are higher than hers, and she found out Chishiya’s actually an executive member, so they must be good. There were ten players total, and they were the only three left.
The game is simple: cross a narrow hallway to the next exhibit area within the given time limit, and avoid getting roasted alive in the process by the jets of fire that blow through the wall. There are three columns of tiles, and ten rows. Kuina had considered risking it, seeing how the others had made it three-fourths of the way, but Chishiya held her back. The man in white waited for the other players to make a move, like he always does.
Observe, then formulate a plan.
Kuina cringed as the others got burnt to a crisp, while Yamaneko’s only reaction was a glassy stare. She didn’t know what the other two are thinking about, but the more she sees people dying, the more determined she is to avoid their fates.
She has someone to go home to now.
“So, any plans?” Yamaneko asks them, stumped. It doesn’t help that she’s feeling nauseous, and a killer headache is making her space out. Kuina regarded her warily, while Chishiya had the same, condescending smirk on his face the first time she met him.
Being the smartest of the three, Chishiya figured out the trick to winning the game.
“Look closely,” he tells the other two as he watches the others fail and burn. “That man stepped on one tile, and the jet in front of him stopped for five seconds. It’s a pressure plate.”
“So, someone needs to be stepping on the correct tile one row behind,” Kuina replies. “But, if the person behind steps forward, they’re both toast.”
“Well, there’s nothing in the rules forbidding two people to step on the same tile, or that we can’t use an object to apply pressure on the plate,” Yamaneko adds.
“Ah. Always looking for loopholes, huh, Yamane? You’re starting to convince me that members of the militant sect are capable of basic thought,” Chishiya comments in a sing-song manner.
“It’s Yamaneko now. I’m not just some mindless goon just because I’m allowed to carry a weapon,” she spits, crossing her arms and temper flaring from his condescending tone.
“I always had an impression that most militants are given that role precisely because they are mindless goons.”
Yamaneko draws a dagger, irritated to no end. “The chief’s not here, so if I hurt you, I’m not doing it as a goon. I’m doing it on my own accord because you’re such an ass.”
The man in white’s only response is his signature infuriating smirk.
Before a fight can ensue, Kuina steps in between the two. “Can we just focus on the game? The clock is ticking.”
The militant sheaths her weapon. “You’re lucky Kuina doesn’t get on my nerves, or I would’ve ignored her.”
“Oh well. Now that we know how to clear the game, let’s begin.”
“Wait, could you at least spell it out for the two of us?” Kuina asks, eyebrows furrowing, and Yamaneko nods in agreement. “Yeah. I’m not exactly some smug bastard who can figure things out with a glance,” the militant adds, tilting her head.
Chuckling, Chishiya indulges them.
“First, Person A needs to step on the correct plate. Then, Person B will step on the same tile. Person A will leave Person B to figure out the correct tile for the second row. Then, Person C will join Person B. Person B will leave Person C to move to Person A’s spot, while Person A steps on the next correct tile. Then, Person C needs to drop a weight on the tile she’s standing on, and join Person B. Then, Person B will join Person A again. Person A figures out the next tile, then Person C should simultaneously move to Person B’s spot and move the weight to her previous spot, while Person B jumps to Person A’s spot. Rinse and repeat. It’s all about timing. A simple game, really.”
Yamaneko’s head starts to pound from trying to understand the plan, and she groans, massaging her temples.
“You call that simple?! Why don’t we just place weights on every correct tile then?” Yamaneko asks, exasperated.
“Look around you,” Chishiya replies. “The only item in this hallway is that pedestal over there. The room before this one had a few paintings and sculptures, but retrieving them would take too much of our precious time. We’re not even sure if they would weigh enough to keep the plate pressed.”
“Ah, shit. Let’s just go with your plan then. I’m nimble, so I’ll be Person C,” Yamaneko sighs, walking over to the pedestal and dragging it with her.
“I’ll be A,” Kuina volunteers.
“I guess I’m B, then,” Chishiya says in an offhand tone.
Despite the need for a few reminders and a few curses thrown here and there, the plan worked. Yamaneko’s reflexes definitely helped; moving the pedestal quickly and jumping to Chishiya’s position almost at the same time is no easy feat. Time it wrong, and they will both be burned to a crisp. Of course, if they die, Kuina will have no chance of survival too. Such is the nature of a Clubs game: players either have to rely on all the skills required to survive in the borderlands, or work together with other players.
In this case, it’s both.
“This game would’ve been easier if those morons didn’t just rush in,” Yamaneko grunts as she moves the pedestal and maneuvers her way to Chishiya’s side at the same time.
“Well, we wouldn’t have figured out what to do if it wasn’t for their mistakes,” Kuina replies, testing which tile would get the stream of fire in front of her to stop.
“They’re still fucking idiots, rushing into the fire like that without a strategy! Couldn’t they have tried to look for an off switch first? Idiots!”
“Look at that, I actually agree with you. They are idiots,” Chishiya says in a sing-song manner. “I hope you’re not a pot calling the kettle black, though.”
Yamaneko rolls her eyes, head throbbing. “If my survival didn’t depend on you, I would’ve left you to burn simply for being a condescending asshole.”
On the last row, the militant’s line of thought got befuddled due to the searing tension around her forehead, and she still took the pedestal with her and froze instead of just crossing to safety. The five seconds were up, and flames burst out of the walls, licking the left side of her body. Before it could completely engulf her, Kuina pulled her out of harm’s way, eyes wide with terror.
Screaming, Yamaneko panics as her hair, the left sleeve of her jacket, and her skirt caught fire. Kuina quickly tackles her to the ground and rolls her around, extinguishing the flames. As soon as the fire is out, the taller woman helps her out of her burned clothes, both breathing hard.
They looked at each other when they heard the robotic voice from their phones chime in.
“Game clear! Congratulations!”
One of her hair buns is singed, her left arm is suffering from minor burns, and she’s wearing nothing but her black bikini and her shoulder brace now, but Yamaneko is alive.
That’s all that matters.
She can go home to her new family now.
Kuina lets out a sigh of relief, leaning back and closing her eyes as she sits on the floor, while Yamaneko remains lying on her back, staring at the ceiling and still in shock from yet another near-death experience. Chishiya walks over and leans down, and she waves her good arm.
“Fine, fine. You’re a genius, and I can be an idiot,” she admits, not wanting to engage with any more arguments with the man in white.
Chishiya gives her another maddening smirk. “I never said that.”
Then, he walks away.
The militant sits up and watches as he does. “I know that’s exactly what you think though!” Yamaneko yells after him, and Kuina just scratches her head.
All three of them made it back to the car after Chishiya collected the card. He drives, Kuina sits in the passenger seat, and Yamaneko lies on the back. She looks at the burned skin of her left arm and hisses at the pain. It went through so much in just a span of weeks.
After a few minutes of silence, Kuina speaks up.
“Does it hurt?”
Yamaneko wanted to roll her eyes, because it obviously does, but the other woman is probably just trying to make small talk. If it can distract her from the pain, she’ll engage in it. “Of course it does. But I can manage.”
“Sorry about your hair,” Kuina adds, and Yamaneko shrugs.
“I’ve tried crazier hairstyles before. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”
“So, how did you end up hanging with those militants anyway? From what Chishiya has told me and from what I’ve seen, you’re not violent unless you need to be.”
“Two of them took me with them, and the rest is history. I’m pretty sure you can figure out why I can’t say no.”
“Fair. They say if you want to live a peaceful life on the Beach, you’d stay out of their business. But if the militants want you to get involved in their business… you better say yes if you value your life,” Kuina replies.
“Yeah. I didn’t have a choice. But even so, I’m grateful to have met them.”
The other woman gives her a questioning look through the rearview mirror. “Why?”
“They stood up for me against my abusive asshole dad. Nobody did that before. They’re a fucked up bunch, but they take care of their own.”
Kuina gives her one last look, a sympathetic one, and looks out the window, wind tousling her hair. On the other hand, Chishiya’s look is cold and calculating.
“You do know that most of them are abusive themselves, right?” Chishiya asks, eyes flicking back to the road.
“Well, I’m no longer at the receiving end of the abuse, so I’ll take what I can get.”
The rest of the ride is filled with silence, a silent understanding forming between the two people in the front seat. When they arrived at the Beach, Yamaneko left the two without saying another word, looking for her lover amidst the crowd.
“So, do you think we can still win her over?” Kuina asks the man in white, placing a faux cigarette between her lips.
“I think she’s a lost cause. Look.”
Kuina looks to Yamaneko’s direction, where Last Boss of all people approaches the shorter woman. The tattooed militant sees the burns on her arm, her lack of clothes save for the bare minimum, and he quickly sheds his hoodie to cover her. Last Boss puts one arm around her shoulder and whisks her away from the crowd.
“Huh.”
“She’s involved with one of them,” Chishiya comments, then he turns to leave, leaving Kuina to gawk at the odd couple.
Takatora held Yamaneko close as they made their way to the clinic. Onlookers be damned, he’s not allowing her to walk to the clinic alone. When arrived at the doorway, Sunohara is tending to an injury of her own, dabbing antiseptic on her scraped knee.
The doctor looks up and her face falls.
“Oh, what happened to you?!” she exclaims, putting down the used cotton swab and walking over to her friend, if she can call Yamaneko that.
“Game involved fire,” she groans, holding her singed arm out. Sunohara leads her inside, and Last Boss follows suit, close as a shadow.
“I can take it from here,” she tells the tattooed militant, who only stared at her with a defiant look.
“Just let him come with me, it’s fine,” Yamaneko tells the other woman, and Sunohara nods, not wanting to deal with what might follow if he didn’t get his way.
Sunohara cringes at the condition of her patient’s arm. “You really should be taking care of that arm,” she mutters, eyes not leaving the injuries. “First you dislocated your shoulder, then you almost nicked a major vein, and now it’s covered in burns.”
“It’s not my dominant arm, so I think I’ll manage. Do you think you can switch me back to tramadol, though?”
Sunohara gives her a pained look. “You know that I’m trying not to get you addicted. I’m sorry, I can’t-”
The words came to a halt when Last Boss drew his sword, and Sunohara panics, jumping away from the two of them. Yamaneko is quick to calm him down. “Relax. If she thinks giving me the medicine might harm me, I trust her decision to withhold it from me.”
Nodding, her lover withdrew, and Sunohara cleared her throat to defuse the tension. As the doctor and Yamaneko talked, Last Boss couldn’t stop observing the two, eyes flicking back and forth between the two women. Sunohara had planned to sit and ask about Yamaneko’s day, but her lover is already whisking her away.
“Talk again tomorrow. I need some rest,” Yamaneko calls out as she leaves the clinic.
“Right! Right. Rest well,” Sunohara replies with resignation, watching her slip away.
As soon as they’re away from prying eyes, Takatora mashes his lips against Yamaneko’s, her lipstick staining his mouth. She sank right into the kiss, tongue darting out to meet his. It was a frustrated, desperate makeout session, and it left both of them breathless.
“Huh. Somebody missed me,” Yamaneko whispers breathlessly.
“You got hurt. I was scared.”
“I didn’t know there were things you’re scared of, Tora. You’re my big, brave tiger, after all.”
With those words, he claims her lips again, softer this time, cupping her face between cold hands. As soon as they broke the kiss, Yamaneko buried her face on his chest, breathing deeply.
“C’mon. Let’s go back to our room. I need to treat my wounds and salvage the rest of my hair.”
Takatora nods.
Showering together is becoming a habit of theirs. Takatora helped wash his lover’s back as she avoided getting hot water on her burned arm. When she turns to face him, she chuckles as she reaches up to clean up the stain her lipstick left on his face.
“I should probably look for a formula that doesn’t smear,” Yamaneko mumbles. His long fingers found themselves on her face, and he gently wipes the rest of her makeup away with a soft washcloth. Not a lot of people ever saw her bare-faced.
Takatora considers himself lucky to be one of them.
After they have dried off, Yamane rummages around for scissors, and heads back to the bathroom. Dragging a stool inside, she sits in front of the mirror, assessing the damage. The fire nearly reached her scalp, mere inches of healthy hair between the singed parts and her skin. She’ll need to cut it short. Using a wide-toothed comb to part her hair, she takes a pair of scissors and trims the ends off.
Then, she looks at the other side of her head and sighs.
“Tora?” she calls out to her lover. He opens the door and peeks.
“Could you do me a favor?”
He nods.
“Could you help me cut the rest of my hair off?”
After a moment of reluctance, he nods again.
Behind her, Takatora holds a pair of scissors. Her lover takes the long strands of her hair, and proceeds to cut. He continues cutting until the ends of her lover’s hair are a blunt, uneven mess.
“I’m not good at this,” he says in a low voice as she helped her shake the strands of hair off.
“It’s fine,” Yamaneko replies, turning from left to right to look at her new hair. “I kind of like it. Looks wild. I guess calling me ‘wildcat’ is appropriate after all.”
Cold fingers caress her neck and tilts her head upwards. Takatora presses a gentle kiss, lips cool as well, and she smiles against him. He gets cold easily and Yamaneko’s warmth is a nice contrast. She always warmed him up.
They sit on the bed, Yamaneko sitting with her legs crossed and her back against Takatora’s chest, whose long legs are splayed on the mattress. He watches in silence as his lover applies burn ointment all over the affected areas of her arm, while his are wrapped around her waist.
“So, how was your game?” she asks him, pressing the back of her head against him.
“Easy. It was a Spade.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you,” Yamaneko responds, smiling as she bandaged her arm. Soon, her eyelids are getting heavy.
“I’m sleepy. Hold me?”
Wordlessly, the tattooed militant shifts his position on the bed with her, spooning her and avoiding contact with her bandaged arm. Takatora buries his face against her hair, getting sleepy as well.
“Hey,” Yamaneko mumbles, voice thick with drowsiness.
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
For a moment, her lover tenses up, which made her fear for the worst. Maybe she should’ve waited longer, or didn’t say anything at all.
But then, he draws her closer and presses a kiss on top of her head.
“I love you too.”
Yamaneko fell asleep with a smile on her face, curling into her lover’s embrace.
The morning after, they headed to the banquet for brunch. The aroma of beef curry made Yamaneko’s mouth water, and she immediately went to ladle some for herself. As she filled her plate with rice and curry, Mr. Yamane stands next to her, waiting for his turn.
It’s their favorite dish after all.
Determined not to spoil her good mood this morning, Yamaneko moves away as soon as she’s finished, not giving him an opportunity to speak to her. She stands next to Last Boss, good arm bumping with his, and she leans against him as he grabs a few sticks of yakitori.
“Could you take a few more for me, please? My plate is full,” she asks him, and with a small smile on his face, he grabs the entire tray, making her laugh.
They were about to leave for their room when people started running towards the outside of the building. Sunohara is among them, and Yamaneko shouts after her.
“Sunohara! What’s going on?”
Pausing, Sunohara has a worried look plastered on her face. “Someone jumped from the third floor of the hotel! I’m sorry, I have to go and see if they can be saved.”
Eyes trailing after the doctor, Yamaneko couldn’t help but feel uneasy.
A few hours later, she was called alongside her father by Rizuna An, the Beach’s number six, and an executive member. Last Boss came alongside her, being an executive member himself, and because he wanted to ensure her safety. However, Mr. Yamane’s new wife, who usually stuck to him like a lost pup, is nowhere to be found.
The militant has a bad feeling about this.
They were led to the lower levels of the hotel, to a room with various medical equipment and tools. Other executive members are waiting, including the Hatter and Aguni themselves. The ones loyal to the Hatter regard the members of the military sect with suspicion. Then, what Yamaneko saw behind them made her stop in her tracks.
On one of the gurneys lies Mrs. Yamane’s corpse.
Desensitized by all the death and violence in the borderland, could only stare with her mouth open. On the other hand, her father rushes to his wife’s side, shouting and crying.
“What happened?” Yamaneko asks, not moving from her spot.
“We thought it was a suicide, but there’s a laceration on the victim’s neck. She’s been murdered.”
Then it hit Yamaneko.
She is summoned because she’s a suspect.
#guess who's the dumbass who forgot to post this here#alice in borderland#imawa no kuni no alice#imawa no kuni no arisu#last boss x oc#takatora samura x oc#oc: minami yamane#last boss#takatora samura#suguru niragi#morizono aguni#shuntaro chishiya#hikari kuina#fanfic: dormouse#fanfiction#character study
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Bisexuality didn't "feel right" as a label because you're biphobic and will do anything to distance yourself from bisexuality. Get well soon, the bi community will be here when you're ready.
Are you the raging homophobe anon back for round two or a new guy? ...It doesn’t really matter, you people are all the same.
If you are the same anon, then now I’m extra pissed off at you because do you have any idea how difficult it is to make fun of your messages? You’re making this really hard for me. First you send a five word ask declaring me a homophobe with no details, and it took a lot of thinking to come up with a vaguely funny response to such a lackluster prompt. You’re a really bad improv partner.
And now you send me this shit. Sorry everybody, no jokes today, now I’m actually just fucking furious.
Let me tell you a story, anon. When I was an innocent little twelve year old back in the far of reaches of 2011, I first discovered Tumblr, and soon enough I was learning about different genders and sexualities, and began exploring my own identity. As you already know since you’re sarcastically quoting me talking about my own fucking feelings, I’d been having a minor sexuality crisis for several years at that point, since gay, straight and bisexual were the only label I’d known before then, and none of them fit me. Despite me trying all of them. Multiple times. You condescending piece of shit.All this was resolved by me stumbling across a post defining pansexuality, and that being the first and only sexual identity that’s ever actually felt right for me. It clicked instantly, and has continued to be my sexuality for literally a decade now.
But back when I first started entering the queer community, pansexuality was actually pretty controversial. So was bisexuality. The two were just lumped together actually, because according to the exclusionists back then, bi/pan people are attracted to the opposite sex, and therefor are basically just straight. Actually they rarely cared enough to bother differentiating between bisexual and pansexual people, they just lumped us all in together as a bunch of heteros pretending to be gay for attention and oppressing the real gays. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be gay for attention. So there I was, a twelve year old queer kid with a brand new identity, being welcomed by a bunch of exclusionists angrily yelling about how I was definitely just a hetero faking it for attention, and being pansexual was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.
I didn’t do that.
Let’s jump forward a few years. I was older, and still perfectly confident in my identity as a pansexual. I hadn’t considered any other parts of my identity. Why would I? I just never really thought much about gender. Then shortly after my fourteenth birthday, I watched a short film online about a trans boy figuring out his identity and working up the courage to come out to his mother. I don’t remember what it was called or most of the details. All I remember was the last scene where the boy and his mother got into an argument about him not feminine enough, which ended with him screaming that he wasn’t a girl. And then I unexpectedly burst into tears because neither was I.
So that was a fun surprise. Once I pulled through that unexpected sobbing breakdown in the middle of the night and re-evaluated my entire life, I realized that yeah. I really wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t a boy either. Fortunately by then I knew that nonbinary people were a thing, so I had plenty of options. I spent awhile feeling things out and experimenting with different labels and pronouns before finally settling on agender and they/them pronouns. Which was great! I felt better than ever, and was confident that I had my identity down and everything would be fine. But everything was not fine. Because I’d been so happy about the biphobia dying down that I hadn’t quite noticed the exclusionists switching targets. Now the nonbinary people were lying. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. The ones who wanted to medically transition were declared to actually be poor confused trans people who couldn’t get over their internalized transphobia to accept their True Identities. And the rest of us... well, we were just a bunch of cishet special snowflakes playing at being trans for attention, and oppressing the real trans people. I wasn’t agender. I was a cis girl making up fake identities for attention, and calling myself nonbinary was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.
I didn’t do that.
Step forward a few more years, now to eighteen year old me. There’s no dramatic revelations or long struggles this time, just a slow realization. Because I’d been single for years, and I wasn’t bothered by that. I actually enjoyed it. Marriage didn’t sound very appealing. Neither did dating. I’d dated people before, but I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to; it was just... the thing I was supposed to do. I found people attractive, sure. But I hadn’t wanted to flirt with anyone. Actually, now that I was thinking about it, had I ever felt romantically attracted to anyone? I didn’t even want romance in fiction! So I experimented. Went on some dates just in case age made it more appealing (it didn’t). Began calling myself aromantic, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the longer I used it, the better it felt. It was right.
But once again, the exclusionists were back and even angier than ever. Because now aphobia was in full swing. After all, asexuality wasn’t really queer. It’s just not having sex! It’s basically straight! What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. And the aromantics, oh the aromantics who weren’t asexual were even worse. Because everyone knows that love is what makes us human. How could someone not feel romance? Us aro people weren’t just lying about our identities, we were pretending to not have feelings so that we could get away with using people for sex without commitment. Being aro meant I was an abusive sex crazed monster taking advantage of all the poor innocent allo’s. I wasn’t aromantic. I was a sexual predator making up a fake identity to take advantage of people, and even though I wasn’t actually sleeping around calling myself aro was Bad and Wrong. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.
And I didn’t fucking do that.
Look. I’ve been here for a very long time, and I have dealt with so many versions of exclusionist bullshit. Every aspect of my identity has been met with random fucking strangers online smugly informing me that I was wrong about myself and they were right. And that’s just the ones that wanted me to pretend to be something else; about half of the exclusionists didn’t make any attempts at conversion therapy, and instead skipped straight to suicide baiting. I’m not even getting into the actual homophobes I’ve had to deal with, or the TERF’s that have come after me under the assumption that I’m a trans woman. My point is, I’m pretty fucking used to this sort of thing.
This just hurts a little more, because like I said earlier, the first round of exclusionism I faced was just expanded biphobia. And the bi/pan community banded together in the face of that. We weren’t the exact same identities, but we were being treated the same, and we were similar enough that nobody really minded the difference. It was wonderful. Bi and pan people were a tightly knit group, and that was a sense of community I desperately needed when I was young. I’ve been seeing this coming for awhile. There’s been increasing amounts of bi people getting drawn in by exclusionist bullshit, and I’ve seen anti-pansexual sentiment growing. I just... really hoped it wouldn’t get this far. It’s sad, y’know? It feels like losing an old friend. I’m really disappointed that you think trying to force people out of their community is right. It’s fucking pathetic, and I hope that someday you’ll rediscover basic compassion and realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and others. This sort of thing doesn’t help the bisexual community. It drives people away. It’s like the damage that TERF’s have done to the lesbian community; this sort of thing poisons the whole well. I hope you re-evaluate what you’re doing and find a more healthy mindset.
...But also at the same time: Who the fuck do you think you are? Take your condescending bullshit and shove it directly up your ass you fucking waste of oxygen. How the fuck dare you. Do you realize the fucking audacity it takes to claim to know someone's identity better than they do? You self centered egotistical douchebag. Your parents should feel ashamed for having raised such an utter failure of a human being. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I can already tell you beat off twice a day to how fucking clever you think you are. If you ever darken my inbox again you’d better be damn sure you keep it anonymous, because if I find you I’ll kick your fucking teeth in, you smug piece of shit.
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