#and INCREDIBLY reasonable the entire time. this sounds like biased bullshit i know | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rpbetter · 4 years ago

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Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #long post #drama cw #rp harassment #callout culture

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radramblog · 4 years ago

Text

Rating the letters of the alphabet

I feel like part of my style of comedy is just rambling about shit and making loose connections between things as part of an overall bit. I think. I’m no expert on myself, unfortunately.

The inspiration for the following absolute load of shite is trying to search Tiermaker for nothing. Like, no characters in the search bar. Didn’t come up with anything. Did a search for just a space. No dice. What about just a? Surely that’ll bring up everything with an A in the title. But it didn’t, and I was somewhat disappointed.

Then my head started writing bits about letters and that’s how we got here. This is probably really stupid, but maybe it’ll at least be fun. Wordplay is cool, though maybe not my strong suit? Anyway.

A: A is one of the two letters that’s also just a word, as you’ve just seen, giving it a necessary promotion in rank. Not a lot of things get to double up like that, though with the “an” ligature maybe it’s actually a double or nothing. But because of the confusing common connection crossing contexts for the character, it gets somewhat awkward to talk about the letter in conversation. An A, in my opinion, A does not get. 4/5.

B: B is also just a word letter but unlike A when you write it out you have to stick a few extra letters on to make it work, making it not as good. But B’s association with bees isn’t enough, because in the year of our lord, like, 2019 or something, it would become inextrixably linked with shite memes as the B emoji became king. And I just don’t respect that. It’s otherwise a fine letter, dragged down by its company. 2/5.

C: Oh come on now, the word doesn’t even have a C in it anymore! You can sea the see without any of our tertiary letter’s involvement whatsoever. Not to mention how its two main sounds are just copies from other letters wholesale. C must be confusing to non-english speakers, I’d imagine. C as a grade gets what C as a grade typically entails for many a schoolchild. 3/5.

D: It would be remiss of me not to give a sterling grade to the D. Why, none of us would be here without it. While many a youth may find the D to be quite a humourous subject, I assure you I’m taking it with the gravest of sincerity when I say the D has got to be one of the best letters of all.

And by D I mean deity, of course. Wait, what did you think I meant? 5/5.

E: The absolute absurdity that is the E meme elevates E efficiently enough to excel beyond many another vowel. However, it is also the single most common letter in the English language, going so far as to open the damn name. It’s to the point where someone made a point of writing an entire book without using it, and I think Gadsby is cool but mayhaps avoiding fifth uncial was a bit showy. I can’t help but mark it down for the sake of hipster cred. 3/5.

F: F is for Fuck. I like the word Fuck. F is for paying respects. I think the military-industrial complex has poisoned our cultural landscape to the point that a reference to one of its most prized productions’ awkward moments has become one of the most colloquially used meme letters in existence, And That’s Terrible. 3/5, I’m conflicted.

G: Man literally who the fuck cares about G. What is it even good for. Just an absolute waste of a letter, total shithouse. It’s NATO equivalent is Golf, the Worst Sport, too. Who asked for any of this? Just use a J instead, it’s cooler. 1/5.

H: I’ve seen “Hhh” used enough times in written forms of pornography to not consider it a Horny Letter. That and it, being short for Hentai, is often used to denote adult material in Japan. Basically what im saying is, I think this gets worse the less sex-positive you are. 6/9.

I: I think I’ve said enough about letter words already, but I is another high-tier one because like A I is just it’s own thing. It can also, however, be a bit confusing, looking just like an l a lot of the time, and having to constantly capitalise it is a pain in the ass. I also don’t have a particularly high opinion of myself, so a high opinion of I seems disingenuous. 3/5.

J: Clearly the best letter, hands down. I’m definitely not biased. There are so few letters as underappreciated by J- a fact many a person who’s had to do that “assign yourself an alliterative adjective” icebreaker game has had to reckon with. Because it appears to be a lot more popular with names than with words, and that just kind of sucks. 6/5.

K: K has in some circles managed to bump off its partner to become yet another letter word, though in a very informal abbreviated sense. However, when you’re looking into scientific fields, eventually said partner returns, having lost some weight on the trip down to absolute zero. This all makes complete sense in my head, and I’m sure is a lot less funny to anyone who doesn’t live there. 4/5.

L: I’d argue that L doesn’t cop its namesake. It’s a really useful letter, loads of words use it, especially in pairs, and my ADHD-brain thought it was fun to just say LLLLLLLLLLL for a bit while I was thinking about this so I guess that’s staying in now. Put me down as an L Lobbyist. 4/5.

M: Mmmmmm. M&Ms. But also it’s kind of a pain to write. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 3/5.

N: I’d like to fight whoever decided we should have two letters that sound so similar right bloody next to each other in the alphabet. Actually, who the fuck even decided the alphabet’s order to begin with? Maybe it should go M to N, that’ll bloody show you. 2/5.

O: Our fourth vowel, and perhaps one of the underappreciated ones. O is similarly a letter word, but a much more common one considering its use as an interjection. It’s also one half of a very powerful letter combo, as we’ll see. 4/5.

P: There’s the other half. Many a joke involves OP as a phrase, whether it mean overpowered or original poster, and the letters’ adjacency is a lovely bit of serendipity. Whenever I say P out loud, on its own, I have to resist the urge to do some incredibly shitty beatboxing, which may or may not be a good sign. 4/5.

Q: I was going to write some very harsh words about Q, and its dependency on U, but then I realised that that is probably hate speech against the disabled. It still sucks, though. 0/5.

R: R is the one I am most struggling to think of things to say about. R is another letter that’s just kinda there. I’m sure the Roberts and Rachels of the world would disagree with me, though. It’s also the name of a program that I know has traumatised a lot of young biologist wannabes, slapping us with a whole pile of maths and statistics when we just wanted to look at cool plants and shit. Or in my case, cool cells and shit. 2/5.

S: The most overrated consonant, but also the thing that makes plurals not a pain in the ass. However I’m going to lean towards giving S a positive rating, if only because it’s associated with snakesssss (and serpentine characters who can talk) and I like those. 3/5.

T: I don’t think T gets enough credit as one of the pillars of the English language. A lot of very common words feature it, and yet it feels like it never gets the same level of credit as big shots like S or half of the vowels. T is like the character actor of the alphabet, is basically what I’m saying. 4/5.

U: Ah, the letter Americans hate for some reason. I think this is actually commentary on the history of American politics. Because throughout history, America has been extremely selfish and self-centered, while attempting to present a positive image that people are finally seeing past. They only entered WWI and WWII when it was convenient for them, they started wars and initiated coups in even their allies for petty ideological reasons, and they’ve gone to war with several countries and funded wars with several others seeming just for shits and giggles. Because apparently if you’re not an American, then you’re not one of them, and that means they hate U. 4/5.

V: I actually think V is underrated. It’s a fun sound. That’s it, no joke here. It’s neat, I like it. 4/5.

W: This may come as a shock to you, but double-u over here is actually two Vs! unless you’re writing in cursive, but fuck cursive. The French actually have it right on this one, naming it double-v (pronounced doobleh-vay). Add in the fact that it’s literally just M upside down, and you’ve got a pretty shite letter. 1/5.

X: There’s a reason literally every “A is for Apple” thing you see made for kids uses Xylophone for X, and that’s because there are no commonly used words that start with it. Seriously, it’s all just scientific terms- I’d argue X-Ray is more common than Xylophone in common parlance, but also, who wants to explain imaging to a kid. It doesn’t even get a second page of words on Dictionary.com. X also has implications as a letter word, that I’d rather avoid at the moment. 2/5.

Y: Ah, Ygreck, everyone’s favourite “what the fuck, France?” moment. Between that and being sorta kinda not really a vowel, Y prompts its own question more often than I’d care to admit. 2/5.

Z: As a (technical) member of the generation associated with this letter- on the one hand, I’m sorry, on the other, y’all have it coming. The final letter of the alphabet, one of the other ones worth 10 in scrabble (and yet X isn’t???), and one we probably got pretty sick of in the early 00s when it was everywhere- ironically, when most of the generation was getting born. 2/5.

And that’s the lot of them. I hope this didn’t alienate any non-English speakers too hard. It’s probably fine.

Join me for more bullshit next time I have another stupid idea. I mean, tomorrow.

#ramble #nonce shit tbh #remember when I made good content? yeah me neither

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souridealist · 5 years ago

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so THAT FUCKING LIVESHOW HUH. God fucking damn am I glad I got that ticket, like I’m still riding the high but I honestly think that was one of the best episodes of the whole campaign

IMMENSE shoutout to the guys behind me in line who chatted with me while we waited in the cold and loaned me a portable phone charger so I could actually like, show my ticket

NOTT IS VETH AGAIN. look, we know I was on Team Permagoblin, we know whose blog this is, but like. we’ve seen it coming for a long time so I had time to make my peace, the build on this was incredible, the fucking RP going into this was so nuanced and good. this is only the smallest part of Nott’s journey and only the smallest part of her healing, and I don’t believe for a second that it’s the end of her journey. so I’m happy for her. I was clapping as she came back, and I meant it.

“you are the second great love of my life”

“I love you too, Veth the Brave”

I ABOUT FELL OUT OF THE FUCKING BALCONY

he SAID IT

we knew but he SAID IT

are the two of you gonna EVER TALK ABOUT THAT KISS, HUH

honestly my biases are so intense here that I cannot evaluate any kind of odds, but I wonder if this was a little bit... Nott’s last hurrah with Yeza, in a way? Sam did say he wasn’t sure if Nott was really in love with him anymore...

that said I uh. if. if I CAN’T have my true and great OTP, if they will not give me this, I have.... a second choice Caleb ship now...... which is new......

yeah Caleb/Essek got me, I still prefer Nott/Caleb but I’ve always multishipped on Nott’s half and I have it in me now to have an alternate ship for Caleb apparently

ENEMIES TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS BUT THE ENEMIES PART WAS A SECRET AND NOW HE’S WRACKED WITH GUILT: SEXY

IN LOVE WITH THE MARK: SEXY

DAMNED SOULS SEEKING REDEMPTION: SEXY (see also, first choice ship)

“I am pleading with you” to take this chance we are offering you: SEXY

gentle forehead kiss of benediction: VERY SEXY

“you... you weren’t part of the plan”: SEXY

okay no but for real can we talk about that character growth on Caleb’s part, I saw that listed as self-loathing but it’s... I mean, it’s Caleb, self-loathing is there, but that’s actually one of the most positive things he’s ever had to say about himself?

because the entire argument he’s making hinges on his own potential for grace. his entire argument is: I got better, and so can you. I am capable of redemption, and therefore, so are you. These people came into my life and blew all my ideas wide open and made me start trying to grow, and if you let us, we’re going to do the same to you. we can never undo what we’ve done, but, going forward, we are capable of good, you and I.

that’s such growth. that’s the most that I think we have ever seen Caleb allow himself.

and then there’s Nott. “you sound exactly like all of us. welcome to the mighty nein.” I knew that’s where she was going with it and I fucking SCREAMED MY LUNGS OUT, what a place to end it. because they always said that but she really truly meant it, there, she meant it. he’s one of them, he’s just like them

there’s a thing Nott will do, a kind of rhetorical standby, where she lists off all the reasons against something, all the least flattering descriptions of a person, and then she hits you with the “BUT...” And it’s the most low-charisma way to argue, because, you know, she’s hitting you with the worst things first, but it’s also an incredibly solid way to argue with people who hate themselves (because of course). because she lists off all the things you’re going to think of, all the “but she’s not accounting for -- but once she remembers -- but once she discovers who I really am --” and she says: no, I took that into account, I remember, I know, and still, anyway, I believe what I’m saying

and it’s so perfect in this case, because everything Essek has been saying is that the mighty nein are good, that they are wonderful, that they change everything, that he loves them. and then she hits him with: and we’re not any different from you at all. so if we can do something good, you can too.

that’s really the argument she and Caleb both used, the one-two punch: we are just as bad as you. so you are just as good as us. so you have no excuse not to try.

oh, Essek. “if you let me go.” they’ll let you out of this room alive, but they are the Mighty Nein and they got their hands around your heart, and not now and not ever in a thousand consecuted lives will they ever truly let you go.

and once again, the great strengths of the mighty nein come through: they’re not willing to condemn easily or lightly. they don’t judge, or at least, they don’t judge by any normal standard used by the rest of the world. they will try to befriend anything and anyone except those who betrayed their friends. once they decide to trust you, to be your friend, to love you, they will call you on your bullshit but they will go to the ends of the fucking earth for you. and they are loyal far and above and always to people, nothing else. chaotic to the bone, in that they cause chaos but in that before they are loyal to ideals, to countries, to orders, to creeds, forever and always their first loyalty is to people.

that is what this show is about, again and again and again. a bunch of deeply flawed fuckups with blood on their hands who find each other and offer each other love and trust and loyalty that has nothing to do with any principle, that just is. that is unearned because it has nothing to do with earning.

and it never seems to occur to them for a second that anyone might need to earn the right to do better than they have. that’s simply a chance they’ll offer to anyone they think they can persuade to take it. syphilis bandits, international traitors, ancient assassins shaped by evil gods. do better, if you’re willing to try.

and that’s as fair a definition of grace as I can begin to imagine.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #meta #long post

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allisondraste · 6 years ago

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Temperance (25/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Story Summary: Nathaniel and Elissa were childhood friends, but time and distance tore them apart. In the aftermath of the Fifth Blight, and Ferelden’s Civil War, both Elissa and Nathaniel must attempt reconstruct their tattered lives. As a series of events lead them to be reunited, both are reminded of so many years ago when things were much simpler.

Chapter Summary: Unable to sleep, Nathaniel decides to do what he should have done a long time ago.

Notes: I know the entire story is marked for this, but I just wanted to add a brief TW reminder for discussion of trauma and posttraumatic symptoms.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Denerim, 9:31 Dragon

Nathaniel closed the door to his room and leaned back against it with a sigh. His heartbeat pounded in his chest, throbbed in his ears, and his head was spinning. He made the journey to Denerim specifically to see Liss, and still he was completely unprepared for the staggering reality of standing in the same room with her for the first time in nine years. He had nearly forgotten the effect she had on him, how hard it was to breathe around her without the words spilling out. Years of hiding and denying, telling himself she was his past and not his future, ignoring her letters, becoming involved with other people, and he still loved her just as much as he did the night they kissed on her bedroom floor.

He should have written to her. The girl he loved his entire life wrote him a letter confessing that she loved him too, and he had been a coward. What was he so afraid of? His father? The distance? The lung-crushing, overwhelming fear that he would love her like that forever and never get to be with her? He laughed bitterly and flopped down on his bed. The joke was on him, wasn’t it? His father was dead, he was just down the hall from her, and he was paralyzed. How could he tell her his feelings now? If he could go back in time and kick his own stupid eighteen year-old arse, he would.

Still, he could not dismiss the hope that blossomed in his chest. Despite everything that had happened in the time they were apart, despite Liss’ new sharp edges and bitterness, she still ran to him and embraced him, told him she missed him. That couldn’t mean nothing, could it?

Nathaniel inhaled, and breathed out a long, slow breath in an attempt to quiet his restless mind and soothe his restless body so that he could sleep. He did not actually want to sleep, discouraged by the threat of taint-fueled nightmares looming over him. He rarely wanted to sleep anymore. He wondered if they would ever go away.

Just as he began to drift off, a knock at the door jolted him upright, and he was thankful he had not bothered to undress. He slid out of bed and rushed to the door, only partially wondering who might be knocking at such a late hour. It was something Liss had always done. Had she come back?

He pulled the door open and flinched at the dark hair and pale eyes looking up at him. Definitely not Liss.

“Lucia,” he asked furrowing his eyebrows and blinking a few times. Her tired eyes and nose were swollen and red from crying, although her face was dry now. Every bit of it was out of character for the stoic, put-together woman.

She eyed him knowingly, a small, muted smile curving on her lips. “You look like you were expecting someone else.”

“And you look like a mess,” he replied quickly, a reflex, “No offense.”

“None taken.” Lucia looked down at the floor as she kicked at it with her boot. When she brought her eyes back up to him, there were tears welling up in them. “Can we talk?”

Nathaniel nodded and stepped out of the doorway so that she could enter. She walked into the room hesitantly, looking around as she did so. She stopped and stood, still as a statue at the center, eyes fixed on the fireplace. He closed the door and moved to stand beside her.

“Would you like to sit?”

She took a deep breath and blinked slowly before turning to look at him and nod. She was so deliberate in her actions, even the small ones, a stark comparison to Liss. Nathaniel pulled out a chair for her at the small table in the corner of the room. He sat down in the chair across from her and waited for her to speak.

“Sorry to bother you,” she muttered, “I know it’s late.”

“It’s fine,” he reassured her, “I wasn’t sleeping.”

“I thought you might have… company.”

“No.” Nathaniel laughed and shook his head.

“You and that woman, Elissa,” Lucia stated,“You two seem close.”

“We were,” he admitted, shifting in his seat, “Our fathers fought together during the rebellion, and our families were allies. We were friends as children. I haven’t seen her in years, though.”

“What is she like,” she asked, straight-faced, lips pressing into a thin line. That’s what she had come to talk about, then.

“Lucia, I don’t think—“

“Please, Nathaniel,” she insisted, eyes watering, “I need to know.”

“I know that you probably want to hear that she’s a horrible person,” he began, with a sigh, “I can’t give you that.”

“That’s not what I want,”she explained, smiling gently, “I already know that she isn’t. If she were, Alistair wouldn’t care for her as he does.”

“He cares for her?” His tone was a bit sharper than he would have liked.

“Yes.”

“I suppose it would be hard not to,” he grumbled, shaking away the jealousy he had not earned. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” Lucia said, voice cracking, and she began to wipe at her eyes, “I have no right to be angry with her, because I am the one who left without any assurance that I would be back. I am the one who didn’t write to Alistair the entire time I was away. It’s my fault all of this happened. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to just have sacrificed myself to kill the Archdemon like all of the other heroes from Blights in the past.”

Though he knew it was disrespectful, Nathaniel couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head at her.

She frowned. “What?”

“Do you hear yourself?” His laughter died down and he fixed her with a serious expression. “Your relationship is on the rocks, so you think you should have died?”

“It’s not that simple, Nathaniel,” Lucia stated tersely, “Defeating the Archdemon without a Grey Warden dying still involved a sacrifice. Something I had to ask of Alistair. We made the decision together with the expectation that we would face the consequences together.”

“But you left,” Nathaniel remarked, “And now you think that everything that has happened since then is your fault.”

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit,” he stated firmly, and she flinched, clearly not expecting him to argue.

“I caused this,” she protested, “If I had just died like I was supposed to none of this would have happened.”

“Maybe not, but you’d be dead, and the world would be worse for it.”

“I—thank you.” A lone tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t stop it this time. “I must sound like such a whiny child.”

“You sound like someone who has been through too much to only be—“ he trailed off, attempting to recall if she’d ever told him her age. If she had, he couldn’t remember. “How old are you anyway?”

“Nineteen.”

“ Nineteen? Andraste’s blood.” She was even younger than he expected, barely more than a child.

“I know. I am old enough that I should be able to handle things like this. It’s just a bump in a relationship, not the end of the world.”

“Nineteen… and you raised an army, killed an Archdemon.” He laughed in disbelief. “You saved Ferelden.”

“After all of that, you would think I’d be better at managing my personal affairs,” Lucia shook her head and sighed.

“Are you even listening?” Nathaniel raised his voice slightly, frustrated. “ I am trying to tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself.”

“But—“

“When I was nineteen, I was in Starkhaven, drinking too much and making incredibly poor decisions.”

“Worse than mine?”

“I ignored years of letters from someone I loved, and threw myself into a relationship with someone else I didn’t love because it was convenient.” He shrugged. “So, I don’t know. It depends on what qualifies as worse.”

“I can’t imagine you doing something like that.” Her brows pressed together, lips curling into a frown. “You’re such a thoughtful person.”

“That’s just it,” he answered, lips twitching into a smirk, “Everyone makes stupid mistakes when they’re young. Everyone behaves selfishly from time to time.”

“I don’t know that I appreciate my current situation being reduced down to youthful behavior. It feels more serious than that.” Lucia’s expression was sour, but she laughed anyway.

”It always does.”

“Do you regret your decisions?”

“Every day.” He sighed and offered her a reassuring smile. “I wish I had recognized my mistakes when I was nineteen, instead of wasting years of my life trying to figure it out.”

“Did you figure it out,”Lucia asked, bright eyes blinking at him, her hands on her chin.

“That’s why I came to Denerim.”

“Your ‘personal business,’ right. I wondered, but did not feel it was my place to ask.” She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slightly, as if attempting to read his mind, and he suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“The reason I hesitated to tell you about Elissa is that she is the reason I am here,” he confessed. “I love her. I thought my opinion would be biased.”

“Oh.” Lucia’s smile dropped from her face. “I’m sorry. I have been so caught up in my own concerns. I didn’t even think. I can’t imagine you feel any better about seeing her and Alistair together than I do.”

“It wasn’t my favorite thing to walk in on, but it doesn’t really matter.” Nathaniel laughed and raked a hand through his hair. It was more embarrassing to speak about than he would have anticipated. “I’m just happy that she is alive, that I got to see her again at all.”

Lucia stared blankly at the grain of the wooden table, something it seemed all of the women in his life tended to do when they were thinking.

“What’s on your mind,” he asked.

“I suppose I am having a harder time dealing with all of this than you are.” She looked up at him and smiled. “I have very negative thoughts about Alistair and Elissa both.”

“That’s only fair.”

“I wish I could forget it all, pretend none of this ever happened.” She slammed her fist down on the table as she spoke, and a small patch of ice formed where her fist landed. “Damn it,” she hissed at the lapse of control and stood up abruptly, her eyes wide and jaw clenched, “I need to get some air.”

“Are you going to be all right?”

“Yes,” she replied with a decisive nod, “Thank you, Nathaniel. For everything.”

Lucia turned and left the room before he had the opportunity to tell her he did nothing to warrant a thanks, but she probably would not have accepted that response anyway. She was an interesting woman, so mature and responsible and some ways, despite being completely inexperienced in others. There was nothing he could say that would make her broken heart ache any less, nothing that would relieve her anger. She would have to give herself permission to feel them, a lesson Nathaniel could stand to learn himself. He hoped, for her sake, she figured it out sooner than he did.

Nathaniel did not need to worry about nightmares, as sleep eluded him entirely. He lay awake as hour by painstaking hour passed by, mind buzzing, until he could bear it no longer. He sighed forcefully and got out of bed, walking to a desk at the other side of the excessively spacious room. Thankfully, the fire still burned in the fireplace, warming the room, and providing plenty of light for him to see what he was doing. Taking a few pieces of parchment from one of the drawers, he sat down to write.

Tom,

I received your letter, and as much as I want to be angry that you’ve runoff to Maker-Knows-Where, Antiva, and asked me to keep this a secret from our sister, I am only relieved to hear that you are alive and happy. I know that I’ve been a piss poor excuse for a brother since I left for Starkhaven. I should have stayed in contact with you and Delilah, written more often, come home sooner. I should have stood up to Father in the first place and protected you both. For all I pretended to be brave, I was just a frightened little boy. I am sorry that I failed you.

I am a Grey Warden now— long story, but it has been good for me. The work is distasteful to put it lightly, but it is honorable, and something I can be proud of. I remember how Father hated the Wardens because our grandfather abandoned his family to join the ranks, never to be heard from again. I can’t say why, but I no longer believe that story. If you ever decide to come back from the dead, I will have to introduce you to some of my comrades; there is a dwarf, Oghren, who I think you’d get along with rather well.

Delilah’s married. And pregnant, due in just under a month if I have kept proper track of it all. She and her husband fled from Amaranthine to Kirkwall to escape disease and darkspawn. He has family there, and the last I heard everyone is safe and happy. She misses you. I’m sending something of hers along with the letter. She once gave it to me, but I think it would better serve you now.

It is good that you’ve stopped drinking. I’m proud of you, and for more reasons than just that.

I hope that Antiva treats you well. Stay out of trouble.

Love,

Nathaniel

Nathaniel tugged at the collar of his shirt and pulled at the twine that held Delilah’s tiny golden ring she’d given him when he spent his first summer in Highever. It had been his constant reminder that he was loved, and it kept him company for many, many years. He did not need it anymore. He had Delilah, he had the Wardens, he had Fergus, and if the Maker willed it, he would have Liss, too. Nathaniel knew that Thomas would be fine, but sentimentality got the better of him and wanted his brother to have it. He removed the ring from his neck, and tucked it inside an envelope along with the letter, and sealed it with a wax stamp. He would take it to the Antivan contact later, when the market opened.

Placing the envelope to the side, he picked up another piece of parchment and placed it in front of him. He still had one more letter to write.

Dear Liss,

I think we can both agree that this letter is long overdue. I am not certain where to begin, other than to say that I am sorry for never writing to you . I was young, stupid, and hurting so much that I could hardly stand it. Losing you was like losing a limb, some large part of myself that I could learn to live without, but only if I pretended I never had it in the first place. I am not saying it was a good choice, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. It was selfish and inconsiderate, and I hope that you can forgive me.

I have many regrets, the biggest being that I never told you how I felt about you. There is no time like the present, I suppose. Even if it is too late, I need you to know, or it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life.

The truth is, Liss, I love you. I have loved you since the day you crawled out from under my bed on my first night in Highever, and I wasn’t even old enough to know what love was. I just knew that being near you made me feel better, and that there was nowhere else in Thedas I wanted to be. It frustrated me to no end that you could not see all that I saw in you, that you thought you were so average. You could not be average if you tried.

I want you to know that regardless of where we go from here, no matter what happens between us, I won’t think any differently. You were my best friend, and all of the memories from my childhood I care to keep are with you and your family. I do not know what I would have done without you.

I missed you, Liss, more than words could accurately convey. I know you are tired of apologies, but I don’t care. I am sorry that I never told you any of this before. I am sorry that I was so terrified of my father that I let him come between us. I am sorry if I ever once made you think I didn’t care about you. I am sorry that I waited until the night before I left to dance with you, to kiss you. More than anything else, I am sorry that I wasted nine years of my life pretending that I could be happy without you.

It is good to finally see you again.

Sincerely Love,

Nathaniel

He folded the parchment and and breathed deeply, only then realizing that he’d been holding his breath. All of his feelings were right there, on one small slip of parchment. It would be as easy as handing it to Liss, or leaving it somewhere for her to find. It would be even easier to ball up the letter and toss it into the fireplace, but then he’d be in the same position as when he started. He decided to do neither, to compromise with himself, and place it in his pack for safe-keeping. At the very least, it would be a reminder for all he needed to say when he found the courage to tell her in person. He would prefer to tell her in person anyway.

Writing the letters had not taken as long as Nathaniel expected, and since returning to bed would be a fruitless endeavor, he got dressed and decided to get some air. As he walked out of his room and down the hall he wondered if Lucia had ever found her peace, or if she’d struggled to sleep as well. He doubted she had been successful. The woman barely slept on the best of days.

He reached the vestibule and images of Liss running toward him flashed behind his eyelids when he blinked. He could still smell her perfume, her hair, proof that he had not simply imagined her presence. He pushed past the heavy wooden doors that lead out to the courtyard, and the crisp air of early morning. Stars still hung in the night sky, even as the sun peeked up from the horizon in subtle pink rays.

Nathaniel stepped out further into the courtyard and past bunches of evergreen plants that stubbornly flourished despite the weather. There was a rustle of something— fabric maybe—, footsteps, and he noticed a person several feet before him, silhouetted by the moons’ light, though he would have recognized Liss anywhere. She sat on a stone bench, staring up and out into the sky.

He approached her quietly, hoping not to startle her. She flinched and stood abruptly as he reached the bench, turning swiftly and throwing her whole body into an attempt to punch him. He noticed her intention, however, and caught her arm just before she hit him. She inhaled sharply, and looked up at him, trembling. Her eyes were wide, mouth opened as if she were about to scream until she met his gaze and relaxed immediately. He could only imagine why her first instinct was to punch, why she looked so terrified. He was glad his father was dead.

“Nate,” she said in acknowledgment, as he released her arm. “I— I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he assured her firmly, “Its my fault for startling you. I should know better.”

“Ever since the attack on the castle, I’ve been so jumpy,” she explained as if he’d asked her to, “It’s like my skin is on inside out.” She laughed nervously, sat back down on the bench, and continued. “I have to stop punching people.”

“To be fair, it’s early. You can’t have been expecting someone else to be here.” He took a seat beside her.

“I never expect to be the only person around,” she said, “That’s the problem. It’s always in the back of my mind that someone is waiting to hurt me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Nathaniel admitted.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Liss shrugged. “That’s just how I am now.” She brought her gaze to meet his, and offered him a smile that did not reach her eyes. “Why are you up so early? You always hated waking up early.”

“I still do. Years of strict schedules while I was a squire did nothing to change my opinion about that.” He paused and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Warden nightmares?”

He sat back up to shoot her a perplexed expression. How did she know about those? He remembered Alistair and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “No, thankfully. I just couldn’t sleep. What about you?”

“Sleep and I don’t have a good relationship these days,” Liss explained, “Every night, without fail, I wake up from nightmares in which I had to relive the night my family died. It’s hard to go back to sleep after that, so I come here or walk the battlements, anything to get the smell of iron and smoke from my nose, to help me stop seeing my brother’s wife and son lifeless on the floor every time I close my eyes.”

As she spoke, Liss clenched her fists, tighter and tighter with each word, until her knuckles were white. Tears formed in her eyes, and even in the dim light Nathaniel could tell she fought to hold them back. He still didn’t know what to say to her, especially since she had responded so poorly to his apologies before.

He chose to say nothing, placing his hand over one of her clenched fists, to show her his sympathy rather than tell her. She snapped her head toward him and glanced between his hand and his face a few times. A painful, tense moment passed before she opened her hand and laced her fingers through his.

An unexpected wave of heat rushed to his face, as if they had never held hands before. They had, in fact, held hands many times, more than he could count, but it had been so long. Her hands were no longer perfectly soft and delicate. Calluses marked her palms from wielding her sword, and her grip was more firm. He had expected her to pull away from him, a subtle rejection of his concern and affection, but she didn’t, and now his heart climbed up his throat as if it intended to escape through his mouth.

“I am sorry that I snapped at you last night when you tried to apologize,” Liss said, breaking the silence and tension between them, “It was just the last thing I wanted to talk to you about. My trip to Highever was… difficult, and I just— I wanted to think about anything else. I knew the sniveling mess it would make me.”

“I understand,” Nathaniel reassured her, brushing his thumb back and forth across her hand.

“One moment, I had everything. I had a home, a family, and I was at least comfortable with who I was and my place in the world.” Tears dropped from her lashes as she spoke, and she squeezed his hand more tightly. “Then everything was taken from me all at once. I spent an entire year alone and frightened, worried that your father would find me at any moment, that I’d be killed. I am ashamed. I should be stronger than this. Fergus has learned to cope with it, but I can’t.”

Liss lost her composure entirely and began to sob, tears streaming down her face, her shoulders shaking. It broke his heart to see her this way, and to be powerless to make her feel better. There was nothing he could do, except sit with her as she grieved. He remembered when his mother died, how Liss had come to his room, and how he’d been inconsolable. He had wanted her to stay then, even though she didn’t know how to help. It had been good to not have to mourn alone.

Releasing her hand, he closed the distance between them and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to him. She brought her tearful eyes up to look at him briefly before throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his chest. He held her as she shook and sobbed, hands clinging to the fabric of his shirt. It must have been so difficult for her, to lose everything and pretend to be strong, to hold it all back just to keep going. He wished he could have been there for her sooner, but he was there now, and he would hold her together so that she could fall apart.

Liss eventually calmed, but did not move from his embrace. Her breath was warm against his tear-dampened shirt, and as she spoke, the words vibrated on his chest. “See, this is exactly why I can’t talk about it,” she mumbled.

Nathaniel laughed. “This is exactly why you need to,” he said, instinctively pressing a kiss to her hair.

Her head shot up at the gesture, and she examined him, eyes relentlessly searching his face for something he could not determine. The sun had risen higher above the horizon, brightening her face with a soft golden glow. It would be inappropriate to tell her she was beautiful now. She would almost assuredly think he was mocking her, but he thought it. He couldn’t help but think it.

“What is it,” he asked as she continued to stare at him so intently he wanted to squirm.

“I...um.” She seemed lost, and glanced around as she searched for an answer. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mhmm!” She laughed nervously despite the confidence she tried to convey, and pulled away from him, standing up and straightening out her skirt. “I should probably go and get cleaned up. We have a council meeting today, and I would prefer to not look like this.” She motioned to her face with her hands.

Liss turned to walk away but froze in her tracks and spun back around to look at him. “Thank you, Nate,” she said softly, “Talk to you later?”

“Of course.” He nodded and she smiled in return before heading into the palace.

Perhaps later he would tell her everything.

#dragon age #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #howesland #cousla #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #update #temperance #my wriring

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awfully-sadistic · 5 years ago

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Week 2: Oct 8th

The Adventures of Dot and Dodger A series of linear prompt one-shots.

Yesterday, I gave myself a time frame in which to complete my chapter. I didn’t make it but I got close. And technically, yesterday’s chapter wasn’t complete so here’s part two.

The relief on Stephen’s face was short-lived. He welcomed the reprieve but it usually wasn’t good when Nick Fury put in an appearance on just any conversation. Perhaps he wanted to convey the gravity of the situation and despite Stephen being able to do it himself, he didn’t want to be scrutinized under Dot’s heavy gaze any longer. Reminiscent of a mother’s gaze, Stephen felt censure, disappointment. He realized early in on the conversation that he was finding it difficult in being able to turn his head to catch her gaze and had started to avoid it. A curious feeling the Doctor would be discovering later, he was sure, but what he wasn’t sure was why the effect was so profound. Did it have to do with her empathetic abilities? Was she broadcasting her own that even he was susceptible? Further, did she know that she could manipulate feelings or influence them? He found it hard to believe someone as compassionate as Dot would be abusing her abilities out of malice. He had concluded that she must have been doing it subconsciously. Whatever the reason, it was like a heavy weight had been lifted onto his shoulders when Fury made his presence known.

It was bad enough Stephen felt like he was backing this trio into a corner, he simply couldn’t deceive them anymore. The underhanded, roundabout way Dot, Dodger, and Armand had been dragged into this situation have been S.H.I.E.L.D.’s tactics; they were paranoid for a reason and apparently Fury had every reason to believe everything could and would be compromised given the chance. Everything they executed had a reason whether or not Stephen agreed with it; from Stephen being their first client to this dinky little task of retrieving a Cursed Item. Tests of mettle, of resolve, to see if these two (now three) really wanted to make a difference in their world.

He may have taken it upon himself to become the acting guardian for this earth and that responsibility doubled as soon as it became apparent that pulling these two worlds apart could be the end of both, but that didn’t mean leaving its inhabitants in the dark even if they often didn’t know what was good for them. In addition to this, it was challenging finding the right representatives in a world so “primitive” compared to theirs; compared to Earth-616, this planet’s history was incredibly new, still reeling from the effects of a war hundreds of years ago. Stephen was not as naïve to know this was their planet, too. These three should also decide which direction it should take as with the rest of its inhabitants. Something Nick would be explaining for them and once in a while, this great Sorcerer Supreme would step back to allow another power as commanding as he to take the spotlight and dish out the heavy hits. Stephen would input his two cents as needed but for the most part would lend his support to the conversation.

As expected, Dot and Dodger had their attention on the new addition to their conversation. A tall, commanding character who seemed to wear nothing but black and a trench coat donned an eyepatch that completed the ensemble. In fact, he looked like villain instead of a superhero. Due to his description alone, Dot had an inkling on who this figure was but she didn’t want to assume. Even the Agency’s intel on S.H.I.E.L.D. was murky at best and she had a good idea why. It was a miracle the Agency even had knowledge that S.H.I.E.L.D. existed. But then again, she had no idea how dated the material had been. She was beginning to see that there was little she knew about 616 the more she learned about it. She didn’t feel too bad though; apparently she hardly knew the affairs of 6969, too. She would soon learn though that this was not through any fault of hers.

“What do you mean there’s another reason you focused on us?” Dodger asked, a complete word-for-word phrasing parroted back to the mysterious agent.

“I said what I said, don’t make me start repeating myself, son.” Fury snapped. He sounded like he had little time for nonsense and his reply startled Dodger enough that it made him jerk his head back, deliberating a slow blink and then another as a look of disbelief crossed his features.

“I thought that was a pretty reasonable question to ask,” Dodger challenged. “you come in out of nowhere and lay this cryptic message on our laps like we’re supposed to know what to do with it from there.”

“You’re beginning to sound like Clint.” Fury pointed out, walking further into the room. He pulled up a chair from a nearby desk and sat down. “And that’s not a compliment.” Fury didn’t allow Dodger any room to reply, even if he had wanted to, because he took control of the conversation as soon as he had settled. “The affairs between Humans and Supernaturals, as you people are fond of classifying the entire thing, has had trickling effects leaking into Earth-616 for some time now. Now, we already went through this shit many times in the past but our version of Supernaturals are called Mutants. We ain’t talkin’ about Bigfoot or Nessy, but to compare, they’re like humans who evolved due to a genetic trait. These humans mutate and develop superhero powers as soon as they hit puberty. Instead of Humans vs. Supernaturals as it is here, it became humans vs. mutants when we come from. We’ve come from many situations where we’ve been in your shoes before and sometimes, even superheros get involved. We ain’t perfect but it certainly ain’t helping that we seem to be repeating history if Earth-6969 doesn’t clean up its act soon.

The Human vs. Supernatural debate sparked a whole renewed interest for those on my planet with a bone to pick and we got some key player sore losers over here. We’re beginning to see that shit like this doesn’t die easily even if we’ve turned over every rock and squashed the opposition and it’s becoming even clearer now that innocent people will get thrown into the mix, even if they have nothing to do with being a mutant. Just exhibiting powers alone is enough to earn people’s scorn.”

“Why does it matter so much to those on your planet about the affairs of our people?” Dot asked. Her mouth was turned down in a frown, her eyebrows pinched in the middle with worry. Hearing about the differences between the biases on the two planets didn’t seem all that different to her when put into perspective like this. But it confused her as to why people from 616 are using 6969’s turmoil as a reason to act out their own hatred.

“They just need any reason,” Fury stated, settling his one good eye on Dot. A chocolate hue that matched the ebony shade of his skin. “any reason at all to get their means to an end.”

“Those people sound like villains.” Dot said, meeting Fury’s gaze. “What kind of people are we talking about? People is too broad of a word. Are they villains?”

“As much as politicians can be,” Fury cracked, sounding sarcastic rather than funny. “Unfortunately, these are people in seats of power. People with pull and money that can make things happen.”

“As much as a corrupt government as ours then,” Dodger mused.

“Pretty much. Except that we’re seeing that your government is being heavily swayed by these people in power to crack down on the Supernatural affairs of this world. I believe you started to see the fruits of a certain mayor who elected a certain new Chief in the Agency’s seat?”

“Well, we knew Aldric was a plant and the mayor has some questionable motives he wants to set in motion for the Supernaturals. We didn’t think it’d go anywhere…” Dot said, sounding thoughtful. Maybe a little fearful, too. “Now I’m thinking I should probably take another look at some of his policies he wanted to set into action.”

“But… he’s just one person, right?” Armand asked, turning his head towards Dot and Dodger. “What harm could one mayor do that others will not try to put a stop to?”

“The mayor can actually do a lot even if he’s not blatantly committing criminal acts. I think this works like in 616, too.” Dodger began, turning to cast an inquisitive glance at Fury and Stephen. “The mayor of a city is responsible for implementing legislation passed by a council. They have substantial pull on what occurs in a city and have vetoing powers and the ability to hire or fire staff, such as our old Chief. Our Ashbourne is a big city. A major hub that the Agency mainly works out of; kind of like their Washington, D.C. except our Washington is a wooded land area that has no significant events attached to it because our history is different. Aside from running the city, our mayor does have a lot of influence when it comes to convincing our senators to act upon something that could find its way to Congress and before you realize it, could be passed into law.”

“That’s if he’s smart enough to make the prospect bills he’s proposing look harmless enough to fool everyone into thinking he’s doing it for the good of the State.” Dot added. “A lot of bills get passed into laws that have specifically worded phrases that can mean different things. It’s tricky and underhanded.”

“Even our laws has carefully worded clauses like that,” Fury pointed out. “politics is a dirty game. You have to be smart to play it and even smarter to pull bullshit out of your hat and feed it to everyone to convince them that this is a good idea. So yeah, I’d say some politicians make great villains.”

“We’ve established that governments on both sides can be corrupt,” Stephen interrupted, “but I don’t believe we’ve delved into the scale of how corrupt.”

Fury made a noise of agreement. “To be blunt, we suspect that some 616 politicians are also occupying seats in 6969. We can’t tell for sure who belongs on which planet if people start migrating over but that is something we try to prevent simply for the balance. Sure, we can allow people to start moving back and forth, the earths are two gigantic ass places. Who would not be tempted to? And for the most part, we share a lot of similarities but that also means our resources are not the same. If we allow people to start zapping back and forth between planets, things can get messy. You guys are familiar with the Dovir technology debacle a few years ago?”

Dot and Dodger nodded but Armand shook his head. Fury explained.

“Because Aliens tried taking over your world, you’ve sustained the most damage out of this Great War a long ass time ago. A lot of people were killed and your world was nearly annihilated. But that means all of their technology is located here. Even with a few pieces scattered from 616, that is nothing compared to the landmine you guys are sitting on. It’s also made great strides in terms of advancement for your planet, but eventually, people on 616 got too greedy and wanted some of that too especially after seeing what it could do to bolster our own tech thanks to a certain asshole in his tower, experimenting with this shit. Though I’ll be the first to admit, S.H.I.E.L.D. has benefitted from Dovir technology since the settlement. But that ain’t good enough for some other people.

If you guys have Dovir technology, what other hidden gems do you have that you might not be aware of? That’s just one whispering throughout the ears of many men in seats of power. You can see where I’m going with this, right?”

Armand nodded as did Dot but it was Dodger who answered, “You want to prevent people from easily traveling across realms in order to profit from either planet. In order to do that, you need a power that puts a check into place that holds the governments back from going too far.”

Fury looked impressed or as much as one could with a stoic expression and an eyepatch. “Exactly. But in this case, we just need someone to rival the Agency at the moment. This organization is almost like the counterpart of S.H.I.E.L.D. as in it has a lot more pull than you realize and it’s essentially the only thing in power with the authorization to do something about the Supernaturals. Unlike S.H.I.E.L.D., its brand spanking new and eager to please. However, unlike the Agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. cannot move into 6969 territory without looking like the planet is going under an occupation.

That would be where you guys come in.”

“But, we’re just a couple of people who wanted to start our own business…” Dot argued. “we don’t know about saving the world or espionage, I barely knew the affairs of this planet and that’s because you just told me.”

“Then we’ll teach you. And we’ll continue to guide you.” Stephen offered.

“We don’t even have a full staff. It’s just the three of us.”

Fury leveled his stare on Dot, “And I was just a guy that got shot and spent my ass recovering in a bed, with only two of my best people working with me at the time.”

“Are you insinuating that Dot is going to get shot?” Dodger asked.

“I’m saying you can do it with just three people and you can hire more along the way. Everything has been set into motion for you guys. All you have to do is step up to the plate.”

Dot and Dodger exchanged glances; meaningful, pensive, thoughtful. Dot sighed, running a hand through her curly hair, scratching her scalp before letting it fall to her side. “I think we need more time. At least, to process this information. Frankly, I don’t think you’re giving us much of a choice to say no, but… can we at least have the time to process this?”

It was Stephen and Fury’s turn to exchange glances. It was Stephen who nodded and looked at the trio on the couch, “Of course.”

But Fury didn’t seem finished. He stood up like he was but he was still talking, “Don’t take too long. You’re the only ones who have shown the promise and initiative to undertake this first step to really get things off the ground. It’s a lot, but are you willing to sit by and let this all happen? You branched away from the Agency for a reason, Dot.” he was trained on her now and she was surprised by the sudden finger-pointing. “You wanted to make a difference. I know a whole hell of a lot of people on 616 who would have been in your shoes and would have made the same choice. But the difference between my planet and yours is that you were the only one, first among your kind here, that did. And that’s saying a lot already.”

Dot stood silent as she watched Doctor Strange and Fury leave their office space. Whatever intimidating aura they had, they took with them leaving the room bereft in their wake. It was an odd feeling, knowing that so much fell on her shoulders already without saying she agreed.

“I know I’m going to,” Dot said absently, still staring at the door leading out to the waiting area. “I’m going to agree and say I want to help. I want to make the difference I set out to achieve. But, I’m …kind of scared.”

“We’re not heroes.”

“I know. We’re not but…” Dot paused to face Dodger, her face an unreadable expression that Dodger had a hard time placing. It was why he was taken by surprise by her next statement, “I want to be.”

Tuesday, October 8th was a dreary day. It seemed the sun was hidden behind cloudy weather but couldn’t decide whether it wanted to rain despite the sun never making an appearance. Dot thought idly how great this weather was for telling spooky stories but couldn’t decide which was spookier—the stories or the fact that their planet seemed to be heading down a path that’d lead them to another civil war among themselves.

It didn’t take long for a ray of sunshine to make an appearance. Armand was cleaning his receptionist area when a woman came in, taking a seat in the open area of the waiting room. Armand paused in his cleaning, eyes growing wide as he looked around to see if anyone had been witnessing what he was seeing. A client, right? This was a client, wasn’t it? Armand threw his dust rag over his shoulder and tried to discreetly sit in his seat as if he’d been like that all along.

He picked up a clipboard that had nothing on it, pretending to write something down while sneaking a glance at the woman whose eyes were searching the television screen. She sat primly and proper, back straight that after noticing it, Armand tried to mimic. She was dressed smartly, like an office lady. She wore a two-piece blazer and a pencil skirt the color of dark charcoal. Her legs were incredibly long and well-toned ending on black wedges with an inch-long heel. She held something in her hand, fingers long and dexterous with a French-tip manicure. Her hair was styled in a short bob, the color of honey-blonde. Her head swiveled to catch Armand’s gaze, locking him in place with eyes that seemed as gray as the weather outside. He looked like a deer in headlights, caught that he had been staring.

“W-Welcome to Dot and Dodger, Supernatural Investigations.” He welcomed, trying to cover up that he had been a curious onlooker, trying to imagine himself in the same outfit. “Can I help you?” he asked, eyes flicking on the screen as D.A.D. fed him a script to read from. D.A.D. flashed the thumbs up emoji before the screen went blank.

The woman stood up from her seat and walked over. Her heels made an impressive clack, clack, clack sound and Armand had to hold himself back from peering over the counter to watch them. She slid the piece of paper she was holding onto the top of the counter. She had what could be considered a triangle shaped face with high cheekbones and thickly, arch-shaped brows. A smokey appearance, almost. She had a stern looking face when she wasn’t smiling, but she smiled here. “I’d like to apply for a job if you have any openings.”

Armand’s mouth opened and he gaped, eyes darting back to his computer screen. There was a stick figure on screen who shrugged before it flashed “CALL DOT OR DODGER OVER” as a suggestion. That was immediately what he had done.

Dot didn’t know what to expect when Armand rounded the corner looking really flustered and stuttering about the lady in the waiting room. But she understood completely when she entered the room and saw for herself. She always expected to tower over women in the streets but this was a surprise; their visitor was almost two heads taller than Dot. That was good because the heels had been giving her extra height. The woman then held out her hand, indicating that she was, “Evi Senft. I’m wondering if there’s an opening here. I’d like to apply for a job. I brought my résumé.”

Dot gaped, first sticking her hand in Evi’s (from which she had a very impressive handshake) and then taking the résumé from her to gloss over. Dot was tempted to hire her on the spot despite not knowing what she was applying for. It was a good thing Dodger had shown up. Standing behind her, he startled Dot by asking, “What’s your experience in this field of work?”

“It should all be there in the résumé.”

Dodger’s gaze didn’t waver, “But I’m asking you.”

Evi smiled, not phased by his heavy stare or the semi-challenging way he phrased his statement. She focused on Dot, though, as she spoke. “I’m an accountant. I don’t want to assume but I take it you don’t have anybody to handle the financial aspects of your business? I can do the taxes and take care of the budget if you were looking for anyone to take care of simple stuff like that. I can also do complex tasks if you’d prefer, anything to help run your business efficiently in terms of number crunching.”

“Taxes and budgeting is simple to you?” Dot said with amazement. “I just always have Dodger do my tax related things. Out of sight, out of mind.”

“Yes, indeed.” Dodger looked down at the top of Dot’s head who was still focused on Evi. Then he turned his gaze onto the woman in question. “If I’m already doing the taxes and budgeting for the company, what else could you offer that I’m not doing already?”

Dot nudged Dodger in the ribs since he was right there. “Don’t be rude. She’s qualified to do math stuff like this.”

“There’s no downside to hiring me,” Evi stated. Now she seemed to be challenging Dodger. “I have no doubt you could continue doing the budgeting and taxes for your company but how much more efficient would it be to leave that to me so you could focus on subjects that would need your attention with one less thing on your plate?”

“She has a point,” Dot pointed out, turning around to give Dodger a grin. “That’d leave you to a lot more free time if you just let someone else worry about the expenses every once in a while. Free time you can dedicate to the cases we get in the future.”

“I would be more than glad to accommodate including you into anything I record, sort, or discover as your assistant. I’ve had plenty of experience dealing with government agency records processing data. If anything, I’d be more of a benefit than a hindrance.”

Dodger had gently pulled the résumé from Dot’s grasp to studying it for himself. With Dot backing Evi already, he had a feeling he knew where the decision rested. But he still wanted to make sure for himself in case anything stuck out in the résumé that Evi might have been able to say in this particular line of questioning. But so far, everything he saw was a impressive and he had no reason to turn her down. He gave the résumé to Dot.

“You might be too overqualified to work here.” he gave in.

“But I do want to work here,” Evi pointed out. “if you were honestly considering me.”

“Of course we are!” Dot interrupted, giving Evi her best grin. “Don’t listen to Dodger, he’s just territorial when it comes to his stuff. But this will be a good fit, you’d make a great addition to the company!”

Evi looked relieved, her stern features relaxing. “Does that mean I’m hired?”

“Absolutely!” Dot said, handing the résumé back. She usually praised herself for her judgement in people and Evi was giving off no warning signs, no red flags, or bad feelings that there was something off about her. It probably didn’t help that Dot was attracted to her and that may have clouded her judgement just a teeeeeny tiny bit, but she was more excited over the prospect of hiring an employee! “Uh, we’ll have you start tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

“That’s perfectly fine. I honestly hadn’t considered I’d be interviewed on the spot but I’m glad it turned out this way.”

“There’s still the manner of sitting down with you on an official capacity and sorting out payrate and the like,” Dodger pointed out, bringing Dot back to the business aspect of hiring people. “of course, afterwards, I’ll go over with you our budget and tax returns. Anything else related to our business in terms of account management.”

Dot perked up, “Oh! Oh! I’ll work to clearing out one of these rooms and you can have your own office!”

Evi looked to be a bit overwhelmed, “My own office? I’m just starting out, is that okay?”

Armand smiled, seated in his receptionist area. “This is my office and I started a few days ago.”

Dot laughed, coming around to Armand’s space just so she could hug him around the neck. It always prided her that he seemed so proud in his responsibility and he was doing such a great job being the best little receptionist he could. “That’s absolutely right. This is completely Armand’s office.”

Evi watched the two, her features softening a smidgen. It seemed to comfort the thought of obtaining her own office on her first day—starting tomorrow—and the conversation was soon eased into another topic.

“How did you hear we were hiring, anyway?” Dodger asked as the thought struck him. “We haven’t put any ads in the paper yet. Or made any other circulation in the job fair industry.”

“I was referred here,” Evi admitted. “somebody at the Agency sent me this way.”

Dot spoke too soon. A red flag went up as soon as Evi finished her statement.

“Someone… at the Agency sent you to work for us?”

“I had applied at the Agency and was denied,” she added.

This came as a startle to both Dot and Dodger. Dot was the one who asked, “Who on earth would deny these specs?” she indicated the résumé she assumed was impressive enough to win over Dodger.

Evi laughed, “For much the same reason Mr. Mac Alister gave me. I was too overqualified.”

Dodger said, “…I guess that makes sense. That’s not quite unusual to hear. Sometimes people have to dumb down their applications in order to get a job but… I thought the Agency accepts basically anybody that shows promise.”

“Well, the Agency has its rejects too.” Dot stated with contempt. Evi and Dodger glanced over, surprised at the tone in her voice. She sounded personally betrayed. Dodger looked sympathetic as Dot continued, “It’s not unusual at all. We should just put it out there that we’ll be willing to welcome the Agency’s rejects.”

“I’ve never considered myself a reject before,” Evi started. “but it doesn’t sound like too bad a position to be if this is where I end up.”

Dot smiled, genuinely.

By the time Evi left, Dot had a lot more to think about. Before she had a chance to touch down on it, though, Fury walked into their office. Sans Stephen, this time.

“I hope you’ve come to terms with what we’ve asked of you. I’d hate to have made the trip all the way down here for nothing.”

Dot turned around from the fridge as Fury filled the breakroom’s door. She took in a deep breath, calming her heart before saying, “I really hope you’re not talking to me in that tone, Mr. Nicholas Fury.”

Fury surprised her by chuckling, taking a seat across from her as she sat down with her lunch. “I’ll admit you’re the only one who can seem to match me in a stern enough tone to make me think over my own. But I’m seriously asking you. Have you?”

“Would you have really given us the choice if we wanted to opt out?” Dot countered. Her meal sat untouched and she had a feeling she wasn’t going to be able to eat until this conversation was over.

“No. But you’re not going to, are you?”

Dot sighed; a deep breath in and a long breath out. “I just wanted to be a quiet little nobody who occasionally broke into people’s homes and did some detective work.”

“You can still do those things.” Fury stated which caused Dot to look up at him with an expression filled with sarcasm. “We’re not asking you to become this huge movement. You can still do your private eye thing but you’re working with us. Think of it like, scratching my back and I’ll scratch yours. We’re each other’s eyes and ears on our respective planets, a partnership.”

“But your organization is attached to your government; how does that weed out the corruption if we’re doing as you’re swaying us to do? We’re more or less okayed by the government to be our own business but we don’t really work for them but on a lesser scale. I mean, …right?”

Fury saying nothing didn’t reassure her. Dot tried another angle, “…I thought you said this was a partnership.”

It was Fury’s turn to sigh. “We’re still working things out. The people I answer to don’t know I’m setting this kind of thing up. And the government you’re sanctioned with, the government you know, don’t know you’re doing anything either.”

“I can see the logic in that, I think, but what happens if this blows up in our faces.”

“It can’t.”

“But it could.”

“It just can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because we can’t fail.”

Dot was beginning to see what sort of person Nick Fury was as she stared at him from across the table. He was so adamant on this idea, he was almost desperate. She was beginning to feel like the reluctant hero trope.

“Alright. We can agree to being a part of this… whatever you’re calling this—”

“The Avengers Initiative.”

Dot’s eyes widened, “Didn’t you already do that on your planet?”

Fury shrugged, “It’s like a side B.”

“This isn’t a cassette tape.”

“I’ll work on the name,” Fury said, dismissing the issue. It was clearly something he was still working on and unknown to Dot, he just said the first thing that popped in his mind. He continued, “Anyway, on the basis that you’d agree—”

“Even though we had no choice—”

“On the basis that you’d do what I said ‘cause I said it, I’m going to give you your first mission.” He ignored the look Dot was giving him, for his own good or otherwise was to be determined, to reach into his trench coat and slide a file across the table at her. “I can’t always meet up with you like this so some missions are going to be handed down by Doctor Strange with that handy two-way dimensional teleport thing you guys got goin’ on in one of your rooms around here.”

Dot eyed the file but she didn’t touch it. Not yet. She still had attitude on her face from Fury’s previous retort, “If we’re going to be partners, I hope you can expect the same level of sass I’m going to be giving you right back, Mr. Bossypants.”

A grin spread across Fury’s face, clearly enjoying the banter. “Now I’m going to have to take some time to think this over.”

Dot shook her head good-naturedly as she watched Fury stand up. He walked to the breakroom’s door and barely got around the corner when Dot heard, “What the—what god-awful demon possessed you to wear that?”

Dot was curious, pushing her food away to stand and peer around the corner. She had to laugh out loud—Armand was dressed in an office lady outfit, much like Evi had been wearing earlier. He must have raided her closet and that’s what he had been doing this entire time. She could see that while nothing was wrong with his outfit, Armand had tried to do his make-up like Evi’s—except he didn’t know how to apply make-up on his face. It was caked on in a thick layer with dark rings around his eyes and dark blush that hollowed out his cheeks. To top it off, he had very angry looking eyebrows and apparently startled Fury on his way out.

“What?” Armand asked, looking around. “Don’t I look chic?”

#{{ original drabbles: spooktober 2019

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astravein · 6 years ago

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i have so many gripes for my boy about voltron in general, and obviously many from s8.

black. first of all, why did they want to kill shiro off? after the entire first 2 seasons of him earning black’s trust and respect, of him building that deep connection ( and its significant, you can see that in his battle with zarkon ) only to violently rip that from him only 2 seasons in? why. why do all that work only to fucking trash it in the end? because that was their goal. make shiro want and want black so bad, then pull it only for keith to get that in less than half the time? it was easy for keith. or maybe that just was the plan all along and shiro had to fight for that trust because he was never meant to have it to begin with ( which now makes me incredibly sad to think about ). and don’t get me wrong, i love keith so much more than this might let on, and i do think he’s worthy to be black paladin. but goddamnit shiro worked so hard to be black paladin and it amounted to nothing ( until fans were upset enough that higher ups literally told them to find a way to bring him back ). and then after they bring shiro back, it was literally to keep his soul within black. they made it so that black literally kept shiro’s essence alive within themselves. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT IF BLACK WASN’T TO BE HIS, AND TO DESTROY HIS BOND BY SAYING IT NO LONGER EXISTS. shiro literally meant jack diddly in the end to enough people that s8 completely destroyed his character.

sendak. as stated, i love keith with all of my heart. i have no doubts that his love for shiro, platonic or otherwise, would drive him to do everything he could for shiro. but why, whywhywhy did the writers take away sendak’s death and give it to keith? we get it. you’re just beating a dead horse at this point with keith’s constant ability to save shiro from life and death situations. his love has been made known. we been knew for 6 seasons. but goddamn, can shiro have some form of autonomy when it comes to his own life? can he be anything unless keith is saving him? is this purposeful because shiro was keith’s driving force for his garrison life? is this what happens when a character is brought back when they weren’t supposed to? i have no doubts that shiro is forever grateful for all that keith does for him. but everything that has happened to shiro, every villain who has taken away his choice when it comes to his own person, HIS OWN BODY; shiro was never given closure for that ( except maybe when it came to zarkon ). this isn’t about revenge for me. this is about shiro finally getting the control of his own life that could have been presented to him. he literally fought and fought sendak only to fall from a ship and be left exposed on the ground? for keith to jump out of black to strike him down personally? which is so extra vld, so fucking extra. and it hurt me. it hurt me personally that keith took the weight of sendak’s death and shiro was left to watch once more as someone else had that control over his life.

keith. ok so maybe this piece is about keith more than anything but, shiro literally loves this man. idfc what anyone has to say about it. he loves keith and that should have been said, by shiro, to keith. it should have. fucking. after everything they’ve been through keith deserved to hear that. i know it’s common knowledge through actions that these two mean something significant to the other, but goddam. after everything that boy did for shiro, he deserved to hear, out loud, that someone loves him so much they would go to death’s door for him in return. the point of this is that shiro was also robbed of returning keith’s feelings. idec if it was to be platonic, i literally don’t fucking care after the fuckery of s8, but shiro’s character deserved to show keith some measure of the same devotion he was shown. because you can’t tell he wouldn’t have. you can’t tell me that shiro wouldn’t have given keith love in return.

shiro. what the fuck even is s8? admittedly, i enjoyed the purpose of what s8 was supposed to represent. but like so many others, everything that was omitted killed the season. allura’s death killed the season. lotor’s dismissal and torture killed the season. shiro as a prop? killed the season. where was the depth to s8? was it actually supposed to end at s8, or was that rushed for some other reason? i feel like so many things were cut out to pack the big war, the big battle, the big sacrifice into 13 short episodes. shiro has no purpose in the show anymore, after making him the reason of the show for so many seasons. i’m sorry, my bias will show, and i will defend that voltron easily became about shiro and keith in the end, and that was threatening to some people and it was completely omitted in s8. but shiro amounted to nothing in s8, even removing keith from the situation. becoming one with the atlas? shrug. having connections with the paladins? shrug. spending time with those paladins at a fuckin carnival? shrug. yes, yes i firmly believe that the sunset belonged to shiro and it was the perfect moment for shiro to actually express his gratitude and love for keith. because shiro would have known where to find keith, not lance. i’m not even sorry for how ship biased that makes me sound. lmao, also, that little stupid credit end is a load of bullshit because shiro fought for the stars for his entire life and they just took that from him like it meant nothing for 7 seasons. leaves his ex for the stars? check. survives being champion? check. wants to be paladin so much he fights for black’s acceptance? check. his clone, which embodies shiro, wants nothing more than to be a paladin no matter what? check. him getting married to a nobody and settling on earth? ??? who tf wrote this ending?

anyway, i’m fucking disappointed in vld s8, and i refuse to acknowledge it as canon. i will literally rewrite everything for myself. lotor will have his redemption, allura will save him just like she saved lance and shiro, honerva will die for her choices, and her death alone will be enough to end the realities being destroyed. allura will live, and yeah, she’ll probably be with lotor because it ended in that progression anyway ( i love a//urance a lot but her connection with lotor progressed into something that moved away from a//urance ), shiro will show, and tell keith that he loves him in return, keith will still give the blade the purpose of restoring what the war destroyed, pidge hunk and lance will be the trio together coming full circle, lance will actually be given the development he deserved and not be consumed by allura??, coran will be so sappy crying sad that allura literally gets to live out her life and he gets to see it happen, team earth squad will have their moments, hunk will revisit shay, pidge will actually find the olkarion, matt will keep the ponytail and live with his robot ‘friend’, lotor will get to bring about the change that he meant for ( obviously did not make the greatest choices in how to get there, but it’ll happen and he deserves to see it happen ), and shiro will travel the galaxies, living a full life doing exactly what he dreamed of for years.

#im writing fanfic and im just flooded with this bitterness that shiro became a prop for s8 #he's going to travel the galaxy you absolute fucks at dw and i believe nothing else #catch my salt vld #trash.#mobile.#i'll trash this post soon but i really needed to vent out my thoughts cause it just hits me in waves that vld literally did s8 #that is literally what we were presented with #and they thought we would like. lmao fOOLS

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dontcallmecarrie · 7 years ago

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Hello! So you keep everyone pretty in character, and you seem to understand them really well (In my opinion), so I’m curious- How much do you think it would take for Wanda (And Pietro, I guess) to be on semi-friendly terms with Tony? Would it even be possible?

…oh, boy. Um. This has been sitting in my inbox for a while, because I had a tough time quantifying things, plus didn’t have the time to do it justice before now, but…Okay.

Okay, pull up a chair because this is going to take a while because I know there’s a buttload of very well-researched posts out there but there’s some things I still need to get off my chest when it comes to the Maximoff twins.

Just as an fyi, though: my take on them’s 100% based on the movies, because my comics knowledge of them is next to nil—I think they’re apparently Jewish, and Romani(?) in the comics and that the writers erased that when they cast the people they did, but that’s about it—and apparently they’re very different in the MCU, which I’m not even caught up on since the last film I saw was Doctor Strange.

Heads up: this post will not be Maximoff friendly, especially for Wanda, but I’m also doing my best not to bash—more like me lamenting what we could have had, via picking apart my interpretation of their characters. Also features quite a bit of my rambling because this also turned into a meta ‘why I think AoU sucks’ rant, sorry. Under the cut, because it got long and RIP mobile users otherwise.

Now, for me, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if I don’t like them. Try to make an attempt to like them, try to get a feel for their character instead of flattening them…but it feels like a futile endeavor, in this case.

Admittedly, I’m rather biased towards Tony […understatement of the year, probably, he’s the reason I even got into the MCU], so that didn’t help. But…just.

Okay, taking a step back, I can’t help but feel that AoU was a tire fire on a number of levels. The twins’ entrance in the MCU could not have been handled worse, in my opinion, and the choices made had me gritting my teeth when I watched it. This, coming from someone who liked the Star Wars prequels […that’s a thing for another post, I guess, but even if it was cringey at times it still had its moments].

The narrative was a mess, and the way they forced so much of it [hi, Bruce/Natasha ship and obligatory Damsel In Distress tropes] did everyone involved a major disservice, and by introducing the twins the way the writers did actively sabotaged them, in my opinion.

Because in the cutscene during one of the prior movies, they could’ve introduced them in a far, far better light than what they went with. If the twins had been kidnapped and experimented on by HYDRA preying on the local populace and taking advantage of the teeming number of orphans due to the conflict going on? That, I could stomach. Hell, make up some bullshit backstory of how the Tesseract’s radiation affected people who grew up in a certain radius of some abandoned building if you want an excuse to give them powers if we’re not going the X-Men route, it’s not that hard!

No, instead, the writers made them HYDRA volunteers.

That, I—I can’t. Worst part is, I think I get what the writers might’ve been going, for, but…look. If you want to make an attempt at criticism of American policy via using a fictional country as the staging ground of what seemed to me to be a deja vu of the Soviet-Afghan War, and want to have your heroes come out of that, and keep them sympathetic, do not code them as affiliated with Nazis.

Because the rest of it? I could almost get. Even if it hurt, seeing them go after Tony like that right off the bat, I could see why. To these people living in a war-torn country, grown up only seeing the bad side of American interventionism their entire lives, I don’t think I would’ve resisted the urge to punch someone who symbolized it either.

After all, for decades Tony was it, perpetuated the military-industrial complex and took it to new levels, designed bomb after bomb and skewed the balance of power in a huge way. Even if Tony changed tracks, after Afghanistan, and worked to fix it, that doesn’t erase what happened. […plus, y’know, there’s the convenient bomb with his name on it, probably courtesy of Obadiah’s double-dealing.] So, that part, I get. I don’t necessarily like it, but I get it.

By including HYDRA, however, the writers ensured that 95% of my sympathy vaporized before I had a chance to get attached to them. At the time, my then-optimistic self was still trying to see them in a good light, and…okay, bit of a military history lesson here, for context, as to why I mentally made the connections I did [and why I felt they fell so flat in the movie]. It’s probably me reaching, but this was my thought process for it.

Minor disclaimer: this is just what I remember off the top of my head, so if it sounds incredibly simplistic, that’s why. Apologies if I get anything wrong, by the way.

The Soviet-Afghan War happened in the ‘80s, lasted nearly a decade, and devastated the local populace in a manner not unlike Vietnam. The Soviet Union basically invaded Afghanistan after shit went down in their government, and the locals fought tooth and nail to kick them out. If I remember correctly, it’s been considered the USSR’s Vietnam War, due to that…plus, y’know, the fact that the US sent in their guys to low-key help. Not by sending in troops, mind, but they sent in guys to train up the locals to fight back better. Not sure what else, but I know that part because it ended up biting everyone badly later on, since that war’s also where al-Qaeda got its start, and its training.

Reason I even brought this up is, Sokovia’s situation to me had a metric fuckton of parallels to that. I probably screwed up on the conflicts the writers were thinking of, but that’s what I was seeing, and to me, it’d make sense then that the twins who grew up in such a place wouldn’t think very highly of the Avengers, or SHIELD, etc.

…anyway, that’s the implied backstory I picked up on in the movie. From there, makes sense that the twins would reach out to shady groups to get power to fight back, and if it’d been AIM, or literally any group other than neo-Nazis, I feel like it would’ve made them more sympathetic without flattening their characters.

To me, that was strike one against the twins, in regards to things I can’t forgive. Maybe it’s simplistic of me, but given the shit that’s gone down lately, my tolerance for anything that smacks of Nazis is borderline nonexistent. Sorry not sorry.

But, removing that element, the twins could’ve been interesting. We could’ve had a story where the Avengers run into people who do not think of them as heroes, and see where that went. Could’ve seen an American-based group deal with people who aren’t friendly, who have a good reason to be that way. […I’ll just ignore the evil AI trope, this is supposed to be a character study not me bashing AoU even more.]

Removing the HYDRA element, we have the Maximoff twins:

Pietro, who’s bitterly sarcastic and fiercely protective of what family he has left after essentially growing up in a war zone. Pietro, who’s speed means he can raise hell in the blink of an eye, made himself a nuisance because of it more than once throughout the film. Pietro, who we only know in the the one movie he shows up, since he gets tragically killed off in the end.

And then there’s Wanda.

…okay. Um. Here’s the thing: I’ve only seen her in two movies, and AoU was a train wreck and Civil War was a tire fire.

So.

This is my perception of Wanda:

Once you remove the ‘hey let’s flatten our female characters this round!’ lens the writers apparently had going on during AoU, as well as me removing the HYDRA element […which, for me, is absolutely necessary], and you have Wanda Maximoff: a very, very driven young woman, who’s been [understandably] angry at the world for the better part of her life and only now has the power to fight back. Wanda, who’s equally protective of her brother since he was all she had left, and whose loss was devastating on a number of levels because of that. Wanda, who now has to pick up the pieces of her life and carry on, and deal with the huge burden of responsibility that comes with a power as potentially insidious as hers.

For the most part, throughout AoU, that was the impression I got from her. Pietro I’d actually liked because of his snark, since the start; Wanda, on the other hand, I’d actively disliked [yo, triggering someone with PTSD? Not cool] but had been steadily warming up to—until Johannesburg.

For me, the dealbreaker with MCU’s Wanda was when she took the biological equivalent of a nuke, and aimed it at the largest civilian population she could find. She could’ve turned the Hulk against the Avengers, could’ve had him running off in a random direction and thus forced the team to chase after him in the most high-stakes game of keep-away there ever was, but no.

No, instead Wanda unleashed the Hulk on the biggest city in South Africa.

I mean, taking a step back, I can see why the writers went there: this is an action movie, after all, so why not throw in some hero-fighting-hero scenes? But in-universe, that choice was what cinched it for me, that this was not a hero in any meaning of the word. If the writers wanted her to be one, they’d need to throw in a redemption arc, after Johannesburg—and they didn’t.

No apology, no acknowledgment, not a word of responsibility, like it never happened.

…and then there’s Civil War to consider. Where the writers butchered her character along with everyone else’s, because now they’re calling the young woman who grew up in a war zone, who knowingly and willingly underwent experimentation for the chance to fight back, who lost everything and still carried on–a child. The sheer lack of agency they removed from her was an insult in and of itself, in my opinion. That, and the fact that apart from Natasha [who’s got her own thing going on, but I digress], she’s the only non-American on the team.

Which leads me to yet another opportunity missed: the perspective Wanda had to offer, because of that. Having grown up the way she did, in a country screwed over by others’ interventionism [hi, Stark weapons, what’re you doing here in Sokovia?] she would’ve had a very different opinion on how to do things than a team that, for the most part, was born and raised in the US, with all the biases that includes. Where the rest of the team’d be more inclined to just rock in to other countries without hesitation, Wanda’s knee-jerk reaction to hearing that would be a “fuck no”, for instance, and…um.

Okay, irony is, I can’t help but think that Wanda, as a non-US national, would’ve been 100% on board with the idea of ‘hey, this US-based team can’t just barge into other countries and fuck shit up, cut it out’. Which, incidentally, is what the Accords were about in the MCU […but that’s a rant for another post], even if Ross was undoubtedly angling for something shady when he was presenting them the way he did.

…I rambled, didn’t I. Oops.

So, as for the latter part of your ask:

what would it take for her [and Pietro, had he lived] to get along with Tony?

In canon, I find it highly unlikely. As in, the world’s more likely to end, and apparently something like that happens in Infinity Wars if the spoilers I’ve glimpsed are anything to go by? [Nowhere near caught up means I have no clue what’s going on anymore, and some people don’t tag their stuff which leaves me even more confused, but—rambling again, oops.]

As for in any fics I’d write, with my take on their characters:

Okay, for that to happen, we’d have to go wildly AU. Me being me, I’m removing the HYDRA element […’nuff said], and Johannesburg didn’t happen either, so what you have left is the Maximoff twins, and the guy who embodied everything they hated about the US/the world in general, even if he was doing everything in his power to change.

Suffice it is to say, it’d be a rocky start, but.

But, I’d like to think they’d eventually get along, somehow. Slowly, and painfully, but over time the twins’d realize that Tony’s actually human, and not an amalgamation of everything they hated, not the boogeyman they grew fearing. Would see that he’s just one man, and a flawed one, struggling with severe PTSD […I’d like to think Wanda’d feel pretty bad about triggering him the way she did, later on, but that’s just me] and doing his best to atone for being the Merchant of Death. Would see that he’s just a man, doing his best to make the world a better place—the twins’d realize it’s not an act pretty quick, and from there, they’d have common ground.

Don’t get me wrong, there’d be plenty of mishaps along the way, but.

Over time, and with Tony asking—and actually listening to them, taking them seriously when they give their opinions on what they think about how to approach something, instead of dismissing them because of their age—they’d start to warm up to each other. Because at heart, Tony’s an ally, and trying to be an even better one, and I’d like to think the twins would pick up on that pretty quick. And Tony, between his guilt complex and seeing what the twins have done with the tools they’ve had at hand, would reciprocate, and forgive Wanda for doing what she did once she apologized […again, my opinion of triggering people with PTSD rears its head].

Or, worst-case scenario I can think of: the twins tolerate him, because he’s trying to be an ally and even if they might never like him personally, they can respect that.

To me, though, this feels a bit static for their characters, especially given how dynamic we’ve seen them in the past [going from antagonist to Avenger in the same movie, anyone?], so I’d rather see the one where character growth happens instead.

Incidentally, your ask also brought to mind a scene I’ve low-key wanted to see but haven’t yet: one way I can see Tony and the twins bonding is via very, very dark humor. Because Tony was raised to be the heir of a weapons company, and the twins grew up in a war-torn country, there’d be plenty of morbid humor to go around, weirding out almost everyone else on the team [barring Natasha].

Specifically, something along these lines, during a time when things are still pretty rocky:

“Okay, guys, I know you hate my guts because of that bomb, but you’ll be pleased to hear that something similar happened to me a while back.”

“…go on.”

“So I’m in Afghanistan, headed back from a presentation, when the convoy I’m in gets attacked, we’re getting shot at with my own guns. But that’s not the best part, even—not five minutes later, I get a bomb with my name on it. Literally, I’m not even kidding here.” Tony said, his hand drifting to his chest unconsciously. “That’s where the shrapnel came from, by the wa—oh, hey Steve…why’re you looking so pale? Geez, take a few deep breaths or something, that’s—um, guys? Give me some space, will you?”

aka the twins [and the team] get a sneak peek at Tony’s tire fire of a mental state and his tendency to cope via joking, and realize that yes, he is legitimately that self-deprecating. If the twins didn’t start to ease up on their dislike before, they do now, if only because it’s not worth directing their anger at a guy who hates himself even more than they possibly could. Waste of energy, that.

also, afterwards, cue a lot of bonding over that sort of thing, such as hating Hammer Industries for doing what the Merchant of Death used to do, and quite a few brainstorming sessions about how to approach the military-industrial complex, etc.

tl;dr: my take on the Maximoff twins in the MCU’s mostly had me Photoshopping my headcanons into where they’re supposed to fit, due to a myriad of reasons; AoU and CW did them a huge disservice, but apart from the remarkably bad writing, they had a lot of potential. My take on them would’ve had the twins warming up to Tony eventually, realizing he’s trying to be an ally, but said take would also have gone wildly AU not ten minutes into their introduction, so.

#I got an ask!#behind the scenes #if you're going to be evil might as well do it right meta #meta #thinking aloud #not Wanda friendly #MCU #character study of sorts #marvel #Naught rambles #Naught replies

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nemirutami · 7 years ago

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Excuse me for being a weirdo who backreads people's blogs, but I had a small additional question regarding your answer to this ask here: /171315404167/ Do you also hate Alcor? If so, I'm incredibly curious to know why, since never harbored any ill will towards humanity and genuinely cared for the protagonist. (I realize I'm a little biased as I ship them together, but that's beside the point) I do agree most of the characters' motives and views were pretty selfish though.

I LOVE DESU ASKS.... AS EVIDENT BY THE VERY LONG REPLY... (SORRY!)

I’m glad ppl are reading them bc sometimes I feel like I’m yelling directly at a wall and my opinions are just bouncing right off, but I have an answer for that.

I think the game did Alcor disservice in how he was represented. He would have benefited more from being impartial (but he isn’t impartial- and I’ll go more into detail about how he meddles to tip the scales) but I will admit anime!alcor was worse and just a sloppy attempt at making a NGE reference- but I won’t go into that because I could write an essay about how shitty the DESU2 anime is (I think everyone can- no one that played the game liked it and I can’t blame them).

The characters I actually can’t stand are: Yamato and Ronaldo. Because they’re actually the ones that actively go out and wipe out even ALLIES for their own benefit, not gonna lie- I might hate Ronaldo just a tiny bit more because of Makoto’s fate events, even if Yamato is just as bad if not worse. On top of that, they’re both awful hypocrites and unlike Yamato where I can kinda see the appeal, Ronaldo is completely unlikable. Even so, I can enjoy ships with Yamato in them. Tho I ship absolutely no one with Ronaldo because why would you evoke that kind of suffering in anyone.

Everyone else is either bordering on annoying, bland, or just a mean spirited asshole. I feel more sympathy for Keita than I do for Hinako because at least Keita calls everyone a piece of shit, whereas Hinako seems to single out Daichi to shit on... on Daichi’s own route. Fumi also talks down to everyone, but in this case, Daichi’s just caught in the crossfire. Similar with Airi, she hates EVERYONE apparently, and will even punch Jungo. Hinako tho seems to specifically target Daichi on his route like... what the fuck is your problem? You called him an idiot twice in 1 battle Hinako holy shit, go chill??? I will never let this go because BOY was just BREATHING and she went “UGHHH YOU’RE SO STUPID” LIKE LET HIM BREATHE HOLY SHIT IS HE NOT EVEN ALLOWED THAT ANYMORE?

Anyways, onto Alcor.

There’s a lot of plot holes and inconsistencies surrounding how the summoning app actually works (Alcor invented it after all, and gave it to us to use) and all these inconsistencies just make Alcor look bad from a writing standpoint (more of that below). He could have been a good character had he not been written poorly (Much like Yamato and... like 99% of the cast really. Even Daichi suffers from shit writing and I’ll never forgive them for this.) and had the plot not fucked him in the end and basically had him destined to die even on Daichi’s route (which sucks but is understandable since he is a septentrione) perhaps I’d have actually liked him.

I tend to love characters that obsess with the protagonist, and they’re usually my absolute FAVORITE characters. I’m really surprised I didn’t jump on Alcor’s ship with the protag because it HAD the setting I absolutely adored for relationships to form? Especially the alien/human dynamic since I came into DESU2 right after exiting NGE so I was IN THE MOOD. Alcor in and of himself was just. Not satisfying to interact with (bored me to tears too) because of his cryptic messages that (more than anything) just waste time and bring the player nowhere unless they rank up to like 4 right before Yamato basically THROWS EXPOSITION AT YOU AND EXPLAINS THE ENTIRE PLOT ON THE 2ND LAST DAY (it’s even worse and comes even more out of nowhere if you haven’t interacted with Alcor at all in his fate events. More disservice. They should have made Alcor’s fate events more intimate and given Alcor more plot relevant lines within the plot itself instead of his events. Much like... Daichi really. They fucked up with Daichi by making his fate events more relevant to his character growth than the actual plot. I guess they did the same for Alcor but truth be told, I remember so little about Alcor because more than anything Alcor just bored me. Never quite pissed me off. Just bored me.)

Ok, but onto the cake. The things that made me iffy on Alcor’s character in general.

Alcor supposedly gave humans fire and culture and blah blah. Already this is telling me to practice immense amounts of disbelief since it’s well documented how these things came about, but I suppose if no one actually knows the history then they can accept this at face value? I wasn’t tho. He acted responsible for it and it put me in disbelief and just made me think he sounded like an idiot. It also made him seem very arrogant, because it implied people NEEDED to be given culture, and that we just didn’t develop culture and diversity on our own. It implies we were all lifeless husks until he came along and granted it to us. Which is insulting.

The fact he’s a septentrione isn’t foreshadowed well and is very obvious from the second we see him floating and talking to other demons/septentriones since he clearly knows what they’re saying. Not really a character-specific issue. Just more problems of bad writing. “Who is he...” Daichi have you seen a HUMAN float in space like that god fucking damn it i love you but why u so duMB WHY YOU ALL SO DUMB IT’S CLEARLY EITHER A DEMON OR A SEPTENTRIONE, THE REAL QUESTION IS- WHY IS HE HELPING US?

Btw that’s another point. Why is he helping us? Oh, right, because he messed up.

He doesn’t want Yamato’s world, but he gave Yamato the power to reform society. Then, when Yamato tries to do what Alcor granted him the means to do, he’s like. Hm. Well. Shit? This guy’s a fucking psycho. Time to place my bets on the protagonist instead (which he does favor a lot- which doesn’t make him impartial really since he clearly favors explaining things more to Hibiki/Protag than anyone else in the game, and it puts everyone else at a disadvantage when a GOD LIKE ENTITY is behind the protag boosting him to make the “right” choice for humanity). I know Alcor was fascinated by humans and wanted them to live (which is fine), yet he didn’t bother to warn the MILLIONS that died (and remained dead in one of the endings- thanks Alcor) due to his negligence. Knowing about it and at least not issuing a warning is cruel. Sure, he gave people the demon summoning app, but the app was considered a “prank site” (nice advertisement, Alcor) as Daichi said at the start of the game (which i hate more than Yamato himself. Daichi. This. This idiot. This idiot signed his best friend up to a DEATH SITE just cus LOLS- the writing is bullshit, and I really disliked early Daichi, too. I disliked some of later canon-Daichi too because he was just rendered to a joke outside his Fate Events). The writing is really unfair on everyone, and it doesn’t help that the app doesn’t work the way it’s advertised to work anyways, seeing as Alcor can twist it to do what HE needs it to do at any time.

For example, the app is said to send death videos regarding people you’ve made a bond with, but clearly that’s all bullshit considering Alcor manually sends Hibiki a warning (and only Hibiki alone) of Otome’s death video so that NO ONE BUT HIBIKI CAN SAVE HER. This implies he can manipulate the death videos personally and exclude others from receiving videos. This. This is not kind. Not at all. I know he was testing Hibiki, but at THIS RISK? Losing Otome can FUCK YOUR PERFECT RUN and outside game mechanics, ELIMINATE ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE. If he wanted to, he could kill characters he actually doesn’t like this way by basically not sending the videos out to people, which, if you don’t go to save Otome right away- will be the end of her. He’s putting all his bets on you alone and testing you by cutting off everyone else from the app- potentially hindering backup to save Otome. Sure, you save her but you can just as easily kill her. I can’t say this wasn’t a sleazy test because he was basically playing with Otome’s LIFE and showed no signs of remorse. Some love for humans you have Alcor. Shit dude. This isn’t kind at all.

But I guess these are my main qualms about him- at least the ones I remember- but take everything I say with a grain of salt bc I tried to avoid confrontation with him completely in my 2nd and 3rd run so I have vague memories lingering. I don’t hate him? I can actually like him if he’s written well by other people, but given how he is in the game, I can’t say I ever enjoyed interacting with him. He didn’t annoy me other than the 2 times I’ve stated above, where he basically talks down to us about how we got to our culture and how he kinda lets Otome PERISH if we don’t respond quickly enough. I know it was a test to the protagonist’s will, but aren’t the septentriones a test enough of my conviction, Alcor, honestly. Unlike Airi, Hinako, Keita, and everyone else, Alcor doesn’t annoy me at all. Io annoys me more, if not only because the game wanted Daichi to be plot relevant only for Io to get all the spotlight. Io is genuinely maybe the better written character- it’s just such a shame they flipflop on her as a lead when in any other game, she could easily have been a lead. Her love triangle kills any enjoyment I get from her at all tho and just makes me bitter. More bad writing- who would have guessed.

Tho from a shipping standpoint? You can ship Alcor with Hibiki for good reasons, obviously. There’s a clear connection and fascination there that doesn’t surprise me people flock to (because I would have been there too had they just written him better). I don’t really mind the ship itself. When I say “i don’t mind it” I just mean I don’t feel anything for it and I’d probably not draw it for myself. There are really no ships I hate or really... dislike? There’s just stuff I don’t ship, but I can definitely ship Hibiki/Alcor if it was for a plotpoint of some kind in a fic or art or whatever. It depends on the idea really.

I guess it’s too late to say something like this so far into the post, but I like to believe that ANY ship works if the construction/buildup to it is good enough. I believe you can make any character do/say anything under the right circumstances with the right motives without it being OOC or feel out of place. I’d like to think talent is wicked like that- a double edged sword of risky ideas that can either make or break your interpretation/perception depending on how you build it up. Though, that takes effort. Something DESU2 sadly lacks in a lot of ares, but it’s still a game worth playing for the experience and I wouldn’t not recommend it for the good parts that are (while few) really, really good.

#tnt answers asks #LONG BOY LONG... tall boye... thanks for the ask- this was fun #and sorry for... writing so much LMAO MB I TOOK IT TOO SERIOUSLY #BUT NO ONE ASKS ABT DESU2 USUALLY I GOT EXCITED...#yatsuatari

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cipherr · 7 years ago

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TRIPLE THREAT also this is a lot but hopefully that’s fine ;3 Razhie: 6, 16, 40, 92; Sievve: 1, 23, 78, 86; Haveni: 9, 32, 44, 94 ! ��

HOLY SHIT YOU DON’T MESS AROUND ok buckle the fuck up (again) :’D (also thank you so much i love how i can count on you to INDULGE

under the cut :’DD

Razhie’s first!

6. What do they like to wear?oooh man ok so, she definitely has different preferences depending on the situation (also She's Hot And She Knows It so that is used to her advantage a lot) so for basic infiltration she has her current outfit, which is that black body suit with the thin armor plating and knee-high boots. it allows for a lot of mobility with a very decent amount of protection, all while making her look like an Imperial that you don’t want to mess with (plus The Booty is A+) :’D and if she needs to look more commanding and intimidating, she’s happy to bust out that old high-collared chestplate with the long black cape, it’s definitely more conspicuous than her infiltration getup but more effective if she’s not doing a lot of actual spywork. in her downtime, she wears anything that’s snug and comfortable, and likely all black. black and gold is definitely Her Thing so that is her go-to if she’s, say, attending some lavish party for less-than-legitimate reasons :’D

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?THIS IS UNFORTUNATELY HER REALITY TOO MUCH OF THE TIME LMAO she becomes incredibly one-track-minded, because all of her mental capacity is focused on the task at hand. she’s not personable when she’s like this...like, at all...so trying to talk to her is like trying to talk to a wall. the best thing to do is just stay out of her way and let her accomplish her mission, because she won’t stop until she does. her patience is greatly reduced, and this is when she’s most likely to just shoot anyone that might be making things difficult, rather than try to be diplomatic about things.

40. Do they have any scars?HELL YEAH look you don’t live this long as a non-Force-using alien working for the Empire without getting banged up pretty bad :’) she’s been shot, stabbed, zapped by Sith lightning, operated on, tortured, shipwrecked, mauled by various alien fauna, buried alive, thrown from very high places on multiple occasions...it’s a wonder she has all her limbs intact. she doesn’t really have any extremely notable scars (yet...i can think of something that will be happening in her future tho lmao) rather her body is just kind of littered with various remnants of past battles. fortunately she’s been able to be patched up pretty quickly and efficiently, so none of them are particularly prominent, and you’d have to look pretty closely to even see them. but that, of course, can (and will) change :’D

92. What mood are they most often in?100% done :’D she’s Tired, had enough of everyone’s shit (in the Empire and otherwise) and generally just has no fucks left to give. it’s not that she’s bad-natured or anything, in fact she’s managed to get a dry sense of humor from the whole ordeal. she just doesn’t have time for anyone’s bullshit and she’s not afraid to make that known. she’s been through hell and back again, and betrayed more times than she’d care to count. all things considered...her attitude’s not bad LMAO

now for Sievve :D

1. What do they smell like?THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING QUESTION and i like it. Sievve is a very introspective person, and takes the meditation aspect of her daily routine very seriously. i’d imagine she keeps special oils, maybe that remind her of home or of Tython, that she uses when meditating in her chambers. it’s part of how she can stay so calm in all the chaos :’) her scents would probably remind you of the forests where she trained as a padawan, or maybe a dusty library (just filled with datacrons instead of books)all in all, i’d imagine she smells VERY NICE for a Jedi who’s so on-the-go with her saving-the-galaxy business, and all that :’D

23. Do they collect anything?since Jedi are ‘discouraged’ from keeping personal items and all, she doesn’t really collect much of anything, though i absolutely could see her keeping a stone from each planet she visits and lining her chambers with them. rather, she journals extensively, and uses a lot of her free time to catalog everything she learns about....well, everything :’) planets, species, cultures, histories, EVERYTHING. she values knowledge and learning and she’d spend entire days with the ancient noetikons that housed the old Masters and absorb everything they could possibly give her, if she could. all she wants out of her legacy is to pass on everything she’s learned to future generations. she firmly believes that a lot of conflict arises from lack of knowledge or understanding between peoples, so she hopes that through her life’s work she can prevent further conflicts from happening in the future, long after she’s gone. i love her ;w; so yeah, she collects knowledge, basically, and saves it all for future generations :3

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?awwww she’s just so damn good natured almost all the time while also being a reserved person, it’s almost kinda hard to imagine what she’d be like when she’s particularly happy :’D i just picture her as just....glowing, basically (not literally lmao) like her presence just radiates peace and calm and i think if she’s especially happy, it’s even more so, to the point where it’d probably be impossible to not be happy when you’re around her. SHE’S JUST SO GOOD -clutches chest-

86. Do they like sweet foods?yes, but she has the self-control to let sweets remain a delicacy :’D i think she’d prefer foods that are more aromatic, probably.

and lastlyyyyy, Haveni! c:

9. Describe the way that they sleep.HMM VERY INTERESTING QUESTION. she’s definitely a quiet sleeper, and probably doesn’t move around much, if at all. she’s also a light sleeper, and any movement or sound could wake her up, alert. she’s a very on-her-toes type of person :’D

32. Pet peeves?dishonesty, absolutely. as a Jedi, she’s pretty damn good at being able to tell when someone’s lying to her, and she’d much rather they just cut that shit out from the start, because it never gets anyone anywhere. also this is probably a bit big for just a ‘pet peeve’ but threatening anyone under her care/on her team/anyone innocent at all is probably the best way to get under her skin AS I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN LMAO

44. Why might someone love them?hmmm i’m not sure if this question is meant to be like, ‘why would a character from this universe love them’ or ‘why would an actual irl person love this character’ SO since the first one is kinda hard to answer (she’s romancing Doc atm but i’m not invested in that romance or anything, i’m basically just doing it bc it’s there lmAO) i’m gonna go with the second? idk :’Dand this is also just HARD TO ANSWER because as of yet she’s still pretty undeveloped, and i can really only speak for myself....idk. i think she’s just very intriguing? like i’ve always been into the notion of ‘grey’ Jedi (but not in the edgelord kind of way lmao) and Haveni is my best avenue of exploring that. like i have all sorts of problems with the Jedi philosophy and code, and while the Sith aren’t any better--they’re just two extremes--i think a middle ground would be the best way to be, and if i were a Force-sensitive in this universe, that’s probably how i would conduct myself :’D because like, for every insufferable Sith, there’s probably another insufferable Jedi, just for different reasons. but of course, for Haveni, there’s really no place for someone like her in this era... she’s probably gonna end up leaving (or getting kicked out of) the Jedi Order, and i can’t exactly see her becoming a true Sith either. so basically: i love her because i love watching characters walking that thin morality line, especially in a world that has two philosophies that are so cut-and-dry and at war with one another, where doing what SHE FEELS is The Right Thing doesn’t always line up with how she was raised. Haveni and Sievve are like... my two absolute favorite ways to explore Jedi characters, so i basically just have a lot of fun with them :’3but also, at a more personal level: Haveni is well-intentioned, extremely protective, noble-hearted, and wants above all else to do the right thing...she’s just conflicted on how to get there, because her instincts often clash with her training. she will valiantly throw herself in harm’s way to protect the innocent without a moment of hesitation, and justice is one of her main motivations. i know i have my biases, but there are a lot of Things I Love that can be found in Haveni :’D (SORRY THIS ONE PARTICULAR ANSWER ENDED UP SO LONG LMAO i just rambled on and on but that word-vomit was actually very satisfying so yeah)

94. Outlook on life?actually, fairly positive! her situation may look pretty grim--and she has a LOT of hardships ahead of her, and she knows this--but she also has a lot of confidence in her strength and abilities. she’s an incredibly skilled fighter, and the whole thing with Scourge and the “i have waited three hundred years to see the face that came to me in a vision--your face” bit...she believes in destiny, and she knows that whatever her destiny has in store for her, she’s definitely not ordinary, and she has the best fighting chance at survival out of anyone she knows. she’s got that self-confident-and-just-sliiiiightly-cocky attitude, and she wants to be the hero...that’s really all i’ve got for her so far, so we’ll see how all of this goes down :’D it’s gonna be a trip, i’m sure.

PHEW THAT TOOK A WHILE but i had so much fun, thanks so much for asking, i could literally do this all day long :’DD YOU’RE THE BEST

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lunafeather · 7 years ago

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judeehopps replied to your post “If anyone else has seen The Last Jedi already and wants to discuss,...”

I’m curious about what you think. What did you think of it? I have mixed feelings...

Overall I enjoyed it a lot, but it did have a lot of issues. I think I liked The Force Awakens a lot more, so I’m glad that JJ Abrams will be directing Episode IX and not Rian Johnson, though obviously Abrams isn’t perfect. This film also continues Star Wars’ penchant for gorgeousness; so many scenes and shots were absolutely breathtaking in their beauty. This might be my favorite film when it comes to that.

Spoilers below the cut! (Also, fair warning! I have a lot of thoughts)

I wasn’t a fan of the limited interactions between our main trio, especially Finn and Rey -- whose relationship literally drives the narrative of this trilogy. Don’t get me wrong, that hug at the end literally made me squeal with joy it was so pure and sweet, but that is seriously all we got and like??? I DO ship Finnrey but I also just enjoy watching their friendship so this was a major downside.

Speaking of ships, I am VERY anti Rose/Finn. I feel like the kiss at the end of the film was incredibly forced and awkward, and came out of nowhere. They have okay chemistry, but I didn’t get a romantic vibe from them at all, so for her to swoop in with this huge romantic gesture and pull out the “I love you” before passing out was very out of place. I feel like they barely know each other, and Rose’s feelings are heavily impacted by her initial view of Finn as this Rebel Hero, and that her jump from awe to fury to love is just a natural progression of her fangirling, and not actual love. Not to mention the fact that Finn literally just froze when she kissed him, it wasn’t reciprocated at all. I hope that they have an adorable “WOW that was awkward” moment in the next film but that they remain friends only.

I really enjoyed Rey’s arc over the film. I think she is more powerful than we realize and I really hope we get to see that power as she trains to be an actual jedi (I’m sure we will). I also really enjoy her parallel’s to Luke in that she is insistent that Kylo can be turned and tries to sway him against her mentor’s wishes, that she is just SO GOOD inside (I, like others, was afraid they may try to tease her switching to the dark side, but I’m glad this film just reiterated how good she is), but I also love that where Luke succeeded, Rey did not. I think it would be very predictable and boring for Rey to “save” Kylo the way Luke “saved” Vader.

Branching off of that, the trailers had a lot of people spouting that whole, “ohhh this is just another copy cat/rehash of Empire, just like TFA was identical to ANH” (which is bullshit anyway, TFA had many homages to ANH but the story was different in a few key ways) crap that I am glad was destroyed immediately. All this chatter about the AT-ATs and the rebels trying to escape a base and Degobah and blah blah blah. None of it was founded, the film was actually VERY different from ESB. Which isn’t necessarily a good thing.... but I digress.

I am a tad miffed that Finn’s force sensitivity wasn’t touched on AT ALL. As far as I’m aware, someone has to be force sensitive to use a lightsaber and Finn used Luke’s at the end of TFA. I hope they touch back on that in Episode IX.

A big thing I am distressed about is the fact that one of the original trio is basically going to be killed off in each film. Han in TFA, now Luke in TLJ, and obviously Leia will need to be killed off in Episode IX... It’s really fucking depressing. Part of me hopes that they will write IX in a way that Leia doesn’t need to die but never appears on screen -- I feel like of the three, she would be the one to survive. It’s possible, narratively, but I doubt they’ll do that. Still.... Also, seeing as Luke became one with the force or whatever, I feel like he will train Rey from beyond, the same way Obiwan often advised him after his death. So maybe we’ll at least have that.

Upon further reflection, I feel like the Casino excursion was very misplaced and unneeded. It was hectic and rushed and urgent, the whole movie was, and I wasn’t a huge fan of that. Star Wars movies ebb and flow with their pace, usually taking place over a moderate amount of time, but obviously this film had a very short time span and I gotta say, I’m not digging it. I prefer the story building, character building pace of the other films.

Humor was out of place a lot of times. The other movies were funny, yes, but the humor in this one was much too....modern? Even in TFA the humor was more classic, in this film it was annoyingly snappy. I really hated the opening scene and its “joke” with Poe pretending he couldn’t hear Hux. Hux should be scary and looming and menacing but that scene just made a fool out of him, and for that to be the OPENING scene is just.... no. Turned me off immediately. Some of the humor was spot on, like Chewie being watched by the family/friends of the bird thing he was trying to eat. THAT was good. Even Rey knocking that giant piece of rock over the cliff and annihilating those aliens’ cart of stuff was good. But most of the other humor was off.

My favorite moment/shot, and I’m sure it’s a lot of people’s, was Holdo hyperspacing into Snoke’s ship. Everything about that was GLORIOUS. The quick burst shots of the lightning blue spikes cracking the ship, the DEAD SILENCE -- no music, no sound effects, nothing -- until the delayed noise of the explosion, I was AWED. The ENTIRE THEATRE gasped and then hushed in the same awed silence as myself. What an amazing idea and execution.

Other favorite shots, Kylo and Luke standing on opposite sides of the screen, waiting to battle -- the colors and composition were beautiful. Crap, there are more but I can’t remember them now.

Mother fucking LEIA ORGANA, using the force to survive being blown into space. SHE DID THAT, Y’ALL. Do you have any idea how powerful she has to be to do that kind of shit??? I seriously thought they were gonna kill her off.

Luke Skywalker being a sassy shit during his astral projection gave me so much life. I love him.

I’ve seen a lot of disparaging comments about Yoda showing up but I actually liked that bit. I think it was one of the times when the humor was on point, and they had to have used a puppet because he looked great.

After a lot of discussion with my ex, we came to the conclusion that Leia must have known Luke wasn’t really there at the old rebel base. Initially I thought it was a vision/wonder twin connection like Kylo and Rey were having (which..... wtf???? Why was that happening? Could it not?) but then everyone else saw him so.... still, I think Leia knew it wasn’t really him. I think that’s why she didn’t touch him/hug him -- because they are VERY huggy twins -- and why she left Han’s dice behind. I think she knew she wouldn’t see him again, which breaks my heart. Because how alone is Leia now? She lost the love of her life, she lost her son, she lost her brother. Ughhhh.

So yeah, this stupid “connection” between Rey and Kylo the film was trying to force on us just.... irked me. I have heard that R*ylos are fangirling over the movie, which boggles my mind because Rey literally hates his guts?? She was disgusted by his naked chest and demanded he clothe himself?? She literally tried to save him because she’s a good person, not because he’s ever done anything to deserve it or because there’s some kind of “love connection” there?? He fucking mind raped her, guys. He almost killed the first person to ever COME BACK FOR HER. (again, why did this movie focus on the Rey/Kylo shit when there is a goldmine with Rey/Finn??????) Oh he’s also a fucking pyscho murderous asshole who killed Rey’s friend and hero in cold blood.

Anyway.

Snoke as a villain: Disappointing. Boring. Anticlimactic. I pity that we didn’t get backstory on him, though I suppose we never got any for the Emperor until the prequels. Still.... Snoke was a very thin and half assed master villain. Shouldn’t there be waaaaaaaaay more lore about the Knights of Ren? Is that going to come into play in Episode IX, seeing as Kylo is now the Supreme Leader? Also, how the fuck am I supposed to take Kylo seriously as the next major villain when he continues to throw temper tantrums and be easily manipulated by outside forces?

On that note, did he choose to spare Leia because of that conflict inside of him, or did Leia force sense him and mind influence him to not shoot?? WE’LL NEVER KNOW.

Second to last point: Not enough Chewie.

Final point: I liked the examination of perspective. Luke’s story of what happened the night Kylo went crazy, Kylo’s story, and finally the truth. How we twist things to feel better/to get what we want. How every story is biased. I thought that was neat.

I lied, one last thing: I am on the fence but leaning towards hating Rey’s parents being “nobodys”. I think it’s an interesting choice but not one that lends anything to the narrative. I think the hype around her parentage was stoked just so they could say, “HAHA she actually isn’t anyone special, you were speculating for nothing!”. Speculating is fun. Bloodlines are fun. Let nerds discuss! A big part of me hopes that Kylo was lying to Rey to make her more upset and thus “more likely” to swing to the dark side. To encourage her fear that she really was abandoned for no reason. BUT it would also be unique to have her be so special despite coming from nothing.

Alright, I’m done. I may think of more but that’s it for now. My rating would probably be like.... 6.5/10. In the top 5 but not the top 4. Enjoyable and beautiful but nothing special and a let down in regards to story and character development.

#judeehopps #replies #Luna watches The Last Jedi

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magistralucis · 8 years ago

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May we hear the story about you meeting God? Those are some incredibly intriguing tags.

Five years ago, I was dying.

I wasn’t physically wasting away, and I wasn’t suffering anything that might be called a terminal illness - but I was depressed, insanely depressed, to such an extent that I couldn’t continue with university anymore. I don’t know how much of my life you know or might have picked up here, but the tl;dr is that I had some massive abandonment + childhood abuse issues and 2012 was the year when all of that bubbled to the surface. Everything I’d gone through seemed pointless, I couldn’t work - couldn’t study - and eventually I had to drop out.Maybe I should have sought help much earlier, but like… I was sixteen when the people involved in the abuse left for good. It took me two, three more years to realize the bullshit I’d been put through and it spiraled horribly into a depression that made me actively suicidal and deprived me of all and any joys of life. The writing I did during that time generally come across as excessively fucked up because of this, though I did write probably my best R+ fic then as well; hanging onto my suffering as some kind of tormented artist fuel was all that kept me going.

Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Depression meals are a real thing. I once bought pink champagne and orange juice, mixed them together, locked myself in my dorm room and sipped on that for three days straight. Ate and drank nothing else because there was just no fucking point. I cried a lot at the start, but then that started to seem overwrought and dumb too, so I stopped. I raged a lot at my boyfriend for calling in a suicide watch - if he’d left me due to my bullshit I’d honestly have deserved it - and basically, I stopped functioning as a human being for the most of 2012 because I felt like such a failure.

But this answer isn’t about me. It’s about God.I’m not referring to the Abrahamic God or the Norse gods or any entity in a pantheon - that implies that something deeply beyond the ordinary happened to me, and my encounter with ‘God’ was anything but. It took place in a bus station somewhere in the north of England a few days after my birthday. I was due to pack up and leave my dorm and my boyfriend was going to come and help me out with the stuff. (This was about a month after I’d stopped the cruel bullshit I’d put him through, so we were then okay and healing.) An old man who I’d never seen before, a total stranger, happened to sit next to me on the bench. Within two minutes or so he had turned to me and then he spoke: “What’s cooking on your machine right there, sweetheart?”

By that he meant my iPhone. I still use the same one I told him after a second or two of confusion that I was indeed listening to music, and then he launched into this oddly bizarre half-rant and half-lament of how nobody listens to each other nowadays and how social relations are at an all time low because everyone is too immersed in their own thing, listening to music instead of being able to listen to conversations between people, interacting, being able to really talk and communicate. Somehow the talk turned to how he had left school with no qualifications at all back in the fifties, and yet had still managed to live a content and happy life all this time by being able to talk his way into jobs and opportunities. Qualifications are everything nowadays, he said while nodding, and while he thought that requiring qualifications was a fair enough development, he didn’t like that many people had sacrificed closeness and the ability to see beyond just grades on paper in return.

Now I’m aware that this sounds like these_damn_millennials.txt. If he had done nothing but rant about himself, I think that’d have been my opinion too. But what that description doesn’t do justice to is the tone in which he said all this - no, he was devoid of suggestion, as odd as that sounds. This wasn’t a speech about how I should get off my phone and actually talk to a human being, and it wasn’t about how people my age don’t know how to grasp at opportunities, or how we’re ungrateful youths, or anything like that. He made no suggestion of the above sort, he didn’t condemn my preference of listening to music over talking to people, and when he talked about qualifications it was clear that he thought that we were victims of a society that set us up to fail. It was commentary on what had happened to us as a collective of human beings, not a speech attempting to sway me towards a view.

And you have to remember. This was when I was a fresh university dropout.I had Asian parents. The stereotype is real. It ruins people. When I was younger I got beaten for not having good grades, and when we moved here and it became less acceptable to beat the shit out of me for any reason they were happy to eviscerate me verbally instead. I had never known anything other than studying and being the best I can at it; in fact, it was a good day when I got my ass kicked because and only because I’d gotten bad grades, and not because of some bullshit reason like my mother didn’t like my face. So having someone at this point in my life - someone who outright confirmed that I was neither insane nor worthless for dropping out/feeling this way, someone who knew nothing about me and had no reason to comfort me at all whatsoever - was a bizarre and yet strangely comforting boon.

People don’t talk to me a whole lot. I don’t exactly invite conversations by appearance, I can barely muster up the courage to message people online.I’m like this now, imagine how awkward and terrified of people I was then. Halfway through he looked at me straight in the eyes and said - I still remember what his eyes looked like, a warm grey kind of like the sky at the end of summer just before the fresh rains fall. “Now tell me about yourself,” he said, and I was compelled to do it.

So I did. All my problems came spilling out. Again he listened with neither suggestion nor judgement, merely sympathy. It touched me a little, really. I’m like the worst communicator in the world and hardly can react to strangers talking to me and back then I didn’t know much of a life beyond studying and getting a degree and.. and then what? So I told him as much, about me dropping out, trying to rest and seek out what was important for a year or so before starting all over again.

“You sound like you know what you need to do, young lady,” he told me afterwards just as his bus pulled in. “and maybe that’s the most important thing right now, because less people than you think never figure that one out.”“Thank you,” I said.He then stood up, and tipped his hat. It bears saying that this was a very dapper gentleman, proper felt hat and a well-pressed coat.

“Best of luck, kid,” he said, smiled - then got on his bus and left.

I never saw him again.

Writing all of this out it probably just comes across as me having a nice conversation with an old man - a feel-good experience, but nothing special, certainly nothing to attribute miracles to. Maybe you expected to read something more marvelous than this, I don’t know, like I witnessed someone who ought to have been dead coming back or encountered a saint personified on a foreign street somewhere. I certainly do not believe that God sent me an angel or that the man was God personified. What I do believe, however, is that I was granted what I needed to hear the most - no matter how minor it was, or how common-sense it was to anyone else who hadn’t lived my life - when I needed it the most, and through a medium that was entirely human, entirely kind, and yet as close to unbiased as humanly possible. This encounter stirred me when I had not felt for months, and it was nothing like the sympathy of friends and family (necessarily, and kindly, biased towards my support) nor impersonal wisdom passed down in words. Though that man I received a warmth that anyone in my exact position would have received… but that didn’t minimize the impact at all, because I needed to hear that it was okay, and for the love of God I needed people in my life, and knowing that this universe offered me a hand at my time of need helped me re-evaluate what I had in my boyfriend - my peers - my life.

I was something and somebody again.

And that is the story of how I met God. Maybe God’s in me. Maybe God’s in all of us, or not. Maybe by ‘God’ I refer to perfectly logical, explicable forces of nature that have nothing to do with pie-in-the-sky theology. But I don’t doubt that somewhere out there, someone else is meeting God at the time of their need this very second - and then the next - and then the next. That’s a whole lot of people, far too many to dismiss.

There’s something out there, I think.

Somewhere.

#Anonymous #this is why i am very hesitant to commit to 100% atheism #i guess i'm pretty damn spiritual i'm just not christian or a believer in a major religion #personal #long boring story but that's what it is #i hope it's not too dragging anon #god #theology

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davidfostercomedyblog · 8 years ago

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It Must be Great to be Christopher Nolan...

It must be great to be Christopher Nolan. Besides the obvious, money and success, it has become incredibly apparent that he is able to love, sympathize and identify equally with all of his fellow man, regardless of having a close personal relationship with them or not knowing them from a hole in the wall.

“Spiritual enlightenment,” as the kids call it, and Nolan must be one of the few filmmakers in possession of such Zen, as it has evidently absolved him of the very first prerequisite of basic storytelling: Define your protagonist, and by “define,” we understand this to mean: Develop. Engage. Make me give a shit about this person for some reason beyond just our co-membership in the same species on Earth.

Instead, Nolan bravely spits in the face of conventional artistic parameters, as well as his moviegoers, by presuming we all share with him this same internal experience of existential oneness and love for all, thereby depriving us ego-ridden mortals of even the smallest sliver of window into what makes his characters uniquely human or relatable to us, the common man. Surely at Nolan’s elevated frequency it’s become challenging for him to portray the mere common man. After all, what are our creative characters if not expressions of our different dimensions of self, which would make even his background extras practically omniscient empaths who needn’t be bothered with the worldly tangibles of someone in order to root for or against them. For Nolan knows there is no real “for” or “against” in life. None of this is real, none of us are separate from one another, and God help your pathetic little brain if you dare view one of his masterpieces sans such awareness. I admittedly did so last night, and promised my date afterwards that I’ll never make the same mistake again, lest of course I should achieve such inner evolution between now and the release of Christopher’s (not Chris!) next piece of art. Or should I say “anti-art,” “non-art,” or “post-modern art from an irrelevant past and present of complete presence?” Gosh, Nolan, you mad genius.

Another quality consistent with Christopher’s Buddha-like mindfulness is the environmental consideration he so obviously takes, thoughtfully sparing so many trees, as each of his screenplays (especially that of Dunkirk) couldn’t be greater than 20 pages long. Nolan knows that the majority of human communication is non-verbal, a lesson we can only wish had been learned earlier by the likes of Francis Ford Coppola, and who knows how good The Godfather could have been.

While the more generic likes of Oliver Stone in Platoon and Spielberg in Saving Private Ryan felt compelled to convey to us some story arc in order to earn their climax, some outward expression of soldiers’ internal journey to garner emotional investment, Nolan has transcended such menial obligation, instead wowing us with his outside-the-box decisions, enlightening us (only to each of our own individual capacities) in Dunkirk with the fantastical concept that there are multiple perspectives to any one situation.

Of course this has been done in films before, but never before spanning the entire film concurrent with two hours straight of suspenseful music, no doubt inserted to remind us inferiors that we should remain on the edge of our seats the entire time, which is sort of like requesting a single two-hour orgasm: physiologically impossible. Nolan achieves the impossible.

I honestly have no idea what Dunkirk was about, but more importantly, I don’t give a shit. Some kind of battle, even a very famous one that I could google and lend myself a bit more credibility by sounding like not such an ignoramus, but unlike Christopher Nolan fans I imagine, I’ve never equated intelligence with awareness of historical facts – or any facts for that matter.

I liked Memento. I felt it actually obeyed the rules of storytelling, ironically and in spite of its inverse chronology. There was someone we were made to care about, the stakes ebbed and flowed, and although there was at times ambivalence about the characters and what exactly was happening, it was ambivalence with integrity within the world that Nolan created. Since then what I would diagnose as laziness and ignorance would surely be defended by Nolan-ists as depth or profundity, as the “filmmaker” tackles challenging existential themes, but in the process neglects to tell a (human) story. Two guys behind my date and I on the way out would disagree, as we were unfortunately in ear’s shot of one of their reviews:

“It just had so many layers.”

Ugh! I felt like I was in a sophomore NYU film class. “Layers?!” Are you fucking kidding me? How about the first layer of making me give a shit about any of these assholes in the first place?

It made me think of the Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry were pitching their “show about nothing” to the NBC executives and George wouldn’t budge on the theme. “No, nothing happens, nothing!” he insisted.

“Well then why am I watching it?” inquired the executive.

“Because it’s on TV,” George said. (Who could’ve guessed what foresight he had!)

The executive responded: “Not yet.”

It’s as if Christopher Nolan fans care just because “it’s on TV.” It’s a “Nolan,” thus deserving of our keen mental focus in attempting to dissect wtf is happening here. I guess in their defense, at some point a “Nolan” had to be initially defined, which means some people must just not need… people in order to care.

Is that possible? Of course I’m biased but I don’t believe it is. Instead my suspicion is a level of pretentiousness within that they are utterly unaware of and allows them to find fulfillment in pure sequential mind fucks, wholly void of emotionality, which in my opinion is always a red flag for unintelligent art.

Nolan is the wordy underground rapper who uses tons of six syllable words and just tons of words in his songs, but offers us no rhythm or melody by which to enjoy them. He claims to be more intelligent, thus more entitled than the likes of Biggie or Mobb Deep, but forgets the most important part of music: to make a good song! He’s the poet whose poems can only make sense in some abstract way in his own head, which then if you can’t decipher gets you labeled as “stupid.” He’s the pseudo-guru who speaks in cliché riddles that gives all of his dogmatic followers something to nod their heads and smile at each other about in class, but zero practical tools to take with them into the world. He’s not the worst filmmaker of all time, because for that title one would have to make films. Instead, Nolan hatches together practical montages that play out almost like a literal dream, tipping the scale from clever subtlety into utter bullshit, in the process mentally masturbating over some profound concept in lieu of putting forth the effort to date said concept, talk to the concept, care about it and then fuck it the way it’s deserving of. He is the fuckboy of modern cinema, and like all fuckboys has earned plenty of success, believers, and followers of his bullshit until the proverbial next morning when we finally wake up.

Every once in a while an artist comes along whose work is so potent that it can accurately inform us of how we feel about him/her, which is really how groupies come about, which should make us less judgmental of their character. I don’t just hate Nolan’s work. I hate him. And not because he’s “so polarizing” and must be at least commended for having moved me so dramatically in one direction, but instead for the complete failure to do so. He represents to me all that is wrong with the creative world, much like Trump represents all that is wrong with the political one, and I suppose I’ll never understand life or the supporters of either. Nolan makes me feel alone in the world.

#dunkirk #christopher nolan #academy awards #best picture

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huntsman-ash · 5 years ago

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RWBY Season 7 Episode 2

Same deal as last time on this one, no tags so it doesn’t spoil anyone but I’ll keep it for my own stuff. Might start tagging these “livewatch” but I dont think THAT should show up on any particular tag-list. So here we go.

Where last we left our intrepid band of weirdos, lesbians, small boys being inhabited by old men, and Qrow, they’d just gotten their asses pinched by the most flamboyantly over-the-top “special operatives” in existence after probably saving Mantle from getting its ass chewed on by Grimm. Lets see how they fare...

Well seems like its pretty in character. Nora is attempting to EAT her way out of handcuffs. And I think Oscar just fell asleep.

“Took us out like its nothing”, says Jaune. Its almost like they’re Specialists and you didn’t even graduate from Vale. Mind you, BOTH groups are nothing compared to what I really honestly hope is true and not just my military headcanons Atlas has on hand.

Hmm. Random gritty looking civvie. Interesting. Least his giving exposition. “The elite of elite military Huntsmen.” WELP. Atlas is well and truly fucked if THAT is the best the can bring to the table.

...Oh fuck, its Ash. Its Ash as a green-eyed angry teenager. Mixed with Tabloid from Ace Combat 7.

Actually no, he’s a LOT more childish than Ash. Ash has history, this guy just has a boner for Robyn. Robin? IDK.

Sigh. “Happy Huntress’s.” GREAATTTTT. Fuckin’ Robin Hood bullshit. I get this is Remnant but come on. And apperently Mantle cant even have people stand up for itself, no, they have to come from ATLAS. Mehh. Fuck it.

New airship design! Its basically a flying box, but hey. Least we get a new one. Henceforth I shall call it the Cattlecar.

Okay not going to lie but Atlas looks like High Charity kinda. Glowing spires, tight city blocks...its pretty cool, actually. And it looks like they literally build the city into the moutain and then...ripped the mountain out of Mantle. Wonder when that happened. Was that the result of a mistake during a Dust RnD test? Also, calling it now, but this is how Fortress Academy looks. Except inside the mountain.

Nora is still trying to eat her way out of her bolo handcuffs.

And now, Atlas Academy; literally a giant fucking tower surrounded by OTHER towers. Top of the fucking rock. I gotta admit that fits the feeling of it, really. Dear Biased RWBY Gods LET IT HAVE TRIPLE-A

Atlas trooper armor hasn’t changed a bit.

And I see that Atlas takes rules from the Forerunners of Halo; NO FUCKING RAILINGS ANYWHERE. I wonder how often people fall off the sides by accident...

Oh good Penny’s here! And HOLY SHIT ITS WINTER! SHES NOT DEAD! Also Atlas’s room doors all look like they have protculus’s on them.

REALLY Winter? Fucking with the grunts? Come on, their lifes bad enough as it is, don’t go the military route...

Soft daddy Ironwood. Cute. Also, nice fucking office.

Penny looks adorable when she stands at attention. I mean everything she does is cute but... Also is Ironwoods voice different? Must not have heard it in a while but it sounds different...

Yes. Shut up and accept the hug Winter. ACCEPT. THE. HUG.

Good. Penny and Winter are in on this. THAT means others are...and so’s the Helljumpers.

Yang, you dont know how the fuck this works, do you? Come on. Also, RT, your Autin-fueled liberal side is showing...

Fucking super dramatic window closing and rising floor. This is what happens when your up in the cold north with nothing to do, HA.

A new approach...oh my god. Open warfare? PLEASE TELL ME ITS OPEN WARFARE. NUKE SALEM!

Also oh hey there’s the Colloseum. Does that mean its officially Atlas’s to keep? Huh.

Holy shit, someone figured out to rebuild the CCTS! It only took them...a year and a half, give or take? New ones mobile too... WEAPONIZE IT. Gun emplacements, military defenses, barracades, Triple-A! Make that fucking flying sports arena into a BATTLESHIP.

GIVE REMNANT A PHALANX!

HOLY SHIT THEY’RE DOING IT! LOW ORBIT SATELLITE COMS! FUCKING AT LAST!

Ohhh. OH FUCK YES. IRONWOOD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD! YES! LETS SEE THAT SLIMY FUCKIN BACKSTABBY BITCH GET OUT OF THIS! AN ENTIRE WORLD REUNITED AGAINST HER! HUMAN WAVE ATTACKS, MASS ASSAULTS, AIR POWER AND COMS...IRONWOOD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, DO IT!

That being said though this...seems kind of intense. Also the whole “revealing Salem will cause panic” is...odd to me. I would think Remnant would be MAD. Vengeful. Yes that could bring Grimm, but when you have reason to fight, your morale is high. You fight harder than you have before. Thats the first rule of any military. Give the people an enemy, and they will rally. The Queen of Grimm, the cause of all your sorrows and frustrations...people will be grabbing rifles by the MILLIONS.

Oscars like “oh, well...shit.”

(Headdesks) NOTHING pisses me off more than seeing the General of FUCKING ATLAS bowing to a fucking SHOTA. DO NOT KNEEL BEFORE THE FUCKING SMALL FARM BOY. YOU ARE A FUCKING GENERAL. I DO NOT CARE IF HE IS OZPIN REINCARNATE SHOW YOUR FUCKING RANK SOME RESPECT. Yes I know its becuse Oscar is like 4 feet shorter than him BUT STILL

Penny probably knows Ruby’s lying about the lamp. If she can’t read biometric data, I’ll be incredibly shocked.

On that, something tells me Ruby’s making sure Ironwood cant figure out whats going on himself. Shes taking some control back. Good.

We’ll make a soldier out of you yet farmboi.

Weird magic shape-changing lamp. Woooo

OH YES. IRONWOODS BRINGING OUT THE UPGRADES. OH FUCK YES

Yang’s response is my own. Mind you it’ll still be...Hunter tech. But hey, good shit.

Oh hey look its Olivia’s long-lost sister. Also when humor requires it, Ruby fully becomes a cartoon character

Wolf faunus. Hm. These really are Ace Ops. Aseops. Cute. Hope they dont ALL die.

Penny can cha-cha-slide

Ironwood; Qrow (Decends the stairs to “Here comes the general” from Hamilton)

...Hes hugging Qrow. AND THATS HOW YOU GET DEATH DISEASE PEOPLE

Fucking hell this place is gigantic. I thought Beacon had a big campus, this is fucking bonkers. Everythings white too though which might not be the best choice...also the wall lights are literally torches just like on Atlas’s kingdom emblem so.

Noras down. Quick, no one glance up her skirt

Rain in Mantle. Hmm. Must be melted snow from above.

Watts walks like a fucking gentleman. Like, damn dude, slouch a little.

Ear-coms. COMBEAD? Perhaps...good they’re canon, thats enough for me.

Im pretty sure I can hear tyrian killing a dude in the background of his call.

None of the code was updated in Mantle. Well, fucking great, Watts has control of the entire area. He’s literally fuckin Adrien from Watch_Dogs. Even down to the “I helped write it” Also some of those cars look seriously armored. I like it.

Yep he just killed a dude. Actually I think this is the first time we’ve seen proper blood in the show. Someones gonna notice that Tyrian you know that right

And with that...Episode 2 down.

#livewatch

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