#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'

[talkorsomething]

want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald

[quitealotofsodapop]

TMKATI AU Wukong accidently spawning pig ears every now and then. Only seems to happen when around Pigsy for extended periods of time or when he's looking for dad flavored validation. Pigsy at first thinks he's being mocked and complains to his husband. Tang subtly asks Wukong about the ears in private just to find out Wu had NO IDEA he was doing it! Pigsy is crying. Years later, after Wu finally found out it was happening and actively tries not to bc thats embarrassing, he texts Pigsy an unsteady photo of little MK messing with his hair in a mirror oblivious to being watched, trying to shape a second ear with gel he found. Child is frustrated. Caption: "What the baby doin???"

Another photo of MK noticing his audience and lighting up. Caption: "Hold on, he's asking for help"

Last photo, half an hour later. Both Wukong and MK are in the photo. MK in his dad's lap with Wu's head on top of his, both beaming at the camera. Both sporting fuzzy "pig ears." Wukong's are the manifested ears from before, MK's are his natural bang and a second ear sculpted with hair and gel. Caption: "He didn't understand why he was the only one to 'inhawit' anything from Dadsy and why he was missing an 'ear', so we fixed it lol :P"

Pigsy is INCONSOLABLE

omg, Wukong's limited shapeshifting abilities manifesting when he's in an emotional state/mood is so based.

I feel like shapeshifting is *not* uncommon among demons, many use it to appear "more human" and fit in, or to hide blemishes or injury, or even just to fit inside buildings. But the side of it thats effected by the user's emotions is not 100% well known. It's like only seeing experts in sports or games, you have a hard time telling whats "Hard" or a "Beginner" move.

I'm imagining Pigsy and "Wu" cleaning up after a very busy and stressful day (first time Wu has ever handled a rush hour), and they're just chilling when a convo like this occurs;

Pigsy (wiping down the kitchen): "You didn't screw up." Wu, sweeping: "Huh?" Pigsy: "For someone who hasn't worked in the service industry for a long time, you did really good today. I'm proud of you." Wu, quietly smiling: "Thanks..." Wu: (*suddenly shapeshifts a pair of pig's ears*) Pigsy, confused: "Tf?? Was that intentional? Whatever, he's weird enough already." ₍ •̀ ⚇•́₎

Later he mentions it to Tang, a little offended thinking Wu could have been mocking him, only for the scholar to point something out;

Tang: "Wait. You said he spawned pig ears when you told him you were proud of him?" Pigsy: "Yeah! He didn't even comment on it or nothin'! He just finished cleaning, still with the ears on!" Tang, thinking: "Well it's said that demons who use shapeshifting a lot can glitch out when they feel strong emotions." Pigsy (rarely uses shapeshifting): "Huh?" Tang: "Yeah. You telling Wu that you were proud of him probably meant a lot to him, and his magic responded by trying to mimic you." Pigsy: "Why??" Tang, shrugging: "I dunno. The article I read said it most often occurs in interspecies adoption since kids want to *be* like their parents and- Piggy are you crying?!" Pigsy: (*emotional at the realisation that Wu likely sees him as a father figure and/or role model*) "No." (*Lie*)

Macaque witnesses Wukong do this one day and just snickers. Him and Nezha are just quietly betting on how long it'll take for Wukong to even notice that his normal monkey ears now have a permanent "flop" to them, like a pig's ear.

At least until Nezha looks at himself in a mirror and notices that his regular tiny red face markings have spread into a suspiciously familiar... heart-shape. He clams up about any emotional shapeshifting after that.

I am just adoring the phone scenario with MK thinking his hair bang was him inheriting Pigsy's ears, it's so cute! X3

And the baby isn't shy about shapeshifting either. Pigsy and Wukong were super-confused when they went into the resturant one day and saw a little brown piglet standing there - only to both scream with amazement/pride when they realised that MK had manifested his first ever *full* transformation.

On the flip-side Macaque has been accidentally spawning fox ears and extra tails for centuries since his biggest parental figure was Jiuweihuli - who like her title indicates, is a nine tailed fox. He mostly has it under control, but the extras tend to "pop out" when he's being very catty or mischievious.

The vixen warns Macaque about flagrantly shapeshifting or "You'll get stuck like that" as any mother does like to a kid pulling a silly face.

When MK is born with three tails (like his kaiju form), Jiuweihuli smugly declares herself correct - after sobbing with joy after meeting her adoptive grandbaby.

[dickgraysonwayne]

Today? Yesterday?

Ao3

Summary: Of all the things to kick off a time loop…

@dickgraysonweek 2024, Day 3: DILF Dick Grayson | Apologizing To Dick | Time Loop

Day 0

Dick knows it’s bad news when the man shrieks “A curse upon you!”

He changes course mid-flip, trying to predict where he’d be hit. He feels nothing, so he lands on the ground steadily, looking up at the platform where the man stands: finger pointed in his direction and a wild look on his face.

“Whoa,” Dick says, putting his arms up. “I didn’t know we were rolling like that.”

For all he had figured, this was supposed to be a quick grab-and-go rescue of a Blüdhaven mayoral candidate. She’d made a promise to clean up the city and, of course, certain groups weren’t very pleased with the concept.

Instead, he’d run into an armed-to-the-teeth gang that were not making this rescue any easier. So, he’d opted for a more subtle approach, sneaking around on rooftops until he was able to maneuver his way into a large warehouse. He’d wandered through, found a locked room in the corner, and then—

And then he’d run into…whatever this was, and the situation turned from guns&gangs to curse&magic territory.

He really hadn’t been ready for curses.

“Okay,” Dick says, eyes darting around. He needs to get to that door. “So, um. When you say curse, do you mean a plague on both your houses lamenting type curse or may you turn into a frog type curse?”

The man doesn’t clarify. “A curse,” He screeches again. “May you never find satisfaction in validation. May you be locked in a cycle of discontent. May the one who you need the most from—”

The man squacks as he’s interrupted by a Batarang to the head. Stunned, he falls backwards onto the platform and stays there.

Dick puts his arm down. “Well,” He says. “That was more…high minded than curses usually are. Very psychological.”

He hadn’t seen any physical indications of anything actually happening, but you can never be sure with this kind of thing. He hopes that whatever this was didn’t take.

“Okay,” He mutters to himself. He wishes Roy would’ve seen this, he would’ve found it hilarious. “Let’s finish this.”

He runs towards the door probably holding the promise for Blüdhaven’s future, hoping that the rest of the day goes by without any further incident.

Day 1

They’re not even in costume when it happens.

Hell, they’re not even working when it happens.

Instead, Dick finds himself making the long trip to Gotham the next morning, called in to assist with something Tim is working on. It’s something from your files, back in the day, Tim had said over the phone. Can you make your way over?

He’d slept in a bit, hoping to enjoy his Sunday. But getting to spend time with Tim is always great too, so he had agreed to make his way over.

It had taken maybe a few minutes to explain the case (Two-Face, now that was a time), before Tim had gotten what he needed. “Thanks, Dick,” Tim says, scribbling down in his notes. “I think I just need to set up a trap, and then we’ll be all good here.”

“Need any help?” Dick asks, tapping his fingers on the table, feeling restless.

“If you’re staying,” Tim says. “I’ll be going out at, like, 2300 so. You sticking around?”

Dick shrugs. “Sure,” He says. “Since I’m here. B around?”

“Yeah,” Tim says, sitting back into a stretch. “He’s workin’ on something else, I dunno.”

“Look at you!” Dick says, messing with his hair. “Solo mission guy over here!”

“Quit it!” Tim says, batting his hand away. “I’ve been solo mission guy!”

Dick laughs. “Hey,” He says, getting off of the chair. “You wanna go get some burgers or something? There’s still a long way to go til 2300 hours.”

“Sure,” Tim says, languidly getting up. “Man, I feel like I’ve been sitting here for ages.”

-

And that’s when, whilst heading over to grab a burger in town, Dick tells Tim about his encounter the day before.

“It was pretty insane,” He tells him as they pull out of the manor’s driveway. “The whole curse thing made me a little nervous, not gonna lie. That stuff gives me the heebie jeebies. But I got up just fine today, everything totally normal. So either the dude didn’t actually get me, or he was talking a big game.”

Tim frowns. “That’s a little weird,” He says, taking a sip of water from his Robin branded water bottle. “You should be careful though. You never know with magic.”

Dick nods vigorously. “Exactly!” He says, making his way to the manor’s large gate. “There aren’t any rules or anything to watch out for. You just gotta wait and see for something to happen before you can do anything about it.”

Tim’s frown only deepens. “I don’t know about that,” He says. “Maybe you should go talk to Zatanna. I dunno, I wouldn’t mess with this stuff. Have her check you over or something.”

“Yeah, but it’s not even a guarantee with her,” Dick says, waiting for the gate to open. “Sometimes magic doesn’t show up or whatever even when she checks. It’s a total crapshoot. But the smart idea still would be to check anyway—”

He jumps as Tim loses his grip on his water bottle, spilling it over his lap and the seat. “Ah, shit!” Tim says, hurriedly picking the bottle back up.

“No worries, Timbo,” Dick says, grabbing some tissues from the side of the door. “It’s just water.”

“I know,” Tim says. “Even so, though, I’m sorry-”

Everything stops.

Day 2

Dick wakes up.

He blinks up at his apartment ceiling. Damn, he thinks, yawning deeply. That was one hell of a dream. He feels around on his bedside table for his phone, then blinks at the numbers on top: 08:04

Damn. Slept in.

That curse must’ve really been playing in his thoughts, to follow him into his dreams like that. Unless it was a curse about dreams, which means it was now starting to work…

Dick shakes his head. He can’t think like that. If he does, it’s never going to end.

He levers himself up, stretching again. He’s going to enjoy his Sunday morning before updating his reports on the night before, maybe figure out what to do about the whole curse thing…

His phone buzzes, and he picks it back up. Tim.

Curious, and trying to push away the ominous feeling in his gut, he answers.

-

Okay. So this is a little weird. But, hey. It’s not like he’s never had a dream about hanging out with Tim before. It’s a perfectly normal thing for him to do. Plus, well, he has been keeping an eye on Gotham. Maybe he’d subconsciously known that something was going on, that Tim would reach out to him for help…

And then it had gotten weirder. But. Still explainable. If he’d been keeping an eye out on Gotham, maybe he’d figured out somewhere back in his mind that Two-Face was going to be the problem…

“Thanks, Dick,” Tim says, scribbling down in his notes. “I think I just need to set up a trap, and then we’ll be all good here.”

“Hm,” Dick says. He taps on the table, feeling off. “Okay.”

“Dick?”

He looks up. Tim is looking at him, concern in his eyes. “Everything good? You seem a little…distracted.”

“Oh,” Dick says, trying to pull himself together. “Yeah. I’m good. I’m just…you know. In my head a little. There’s a whole—” He waves it off. “I’ll explain later. Um, you gonna need any help on your mission?”

“If you’re staying,” Tim says, still eyeing him with concern. “I’ll be going out at, like, 2300 or so. You sticking around?”

The Deja Vu hits him even harder. “Sure,” He says. “Hey. Is this a solo mission?”

Tim gives him a small smile. “Yeah,” He says. “I’ve been doing them for a while now. B’s working on his own thing, I’m working on mine.”

“Nice, Timmy,” Dick says, finding a smile for him in return. “Hey, wanna go get something to eat? I’m hungry. Let’s go eat.” He shoots to his feet, needing to move, needing to do something.

“Um,” Tim says, stumbling up with him. “Yeah, sure. Yeah let’s get…let’s get burgers, or something.”

Dick nods, fast walking his way out. An icy feeling grows in his stomach.

-

“What were you saying earlier?”

Dick starts, looking away from the slowly opening gate. “Hm?”

“You had a whole,” and Tim makes a circle gesture with his hands. “Thing you were thinking about. What was it?”

“Oh,” Dick says. “Well. Um. I had a little…run-in yesterday. Some guy yelled that he was gonna put a curse on me. And, like, I didn’t feel anything off or anything like that. But today…I don’t know. It’s all weird today. Like majorly Deja Vu or something.”

Tim frowns. “That’s weird,” He says, taking a sip of water. “You should be careful though. You never know with magic. In fact, you should probably—”

“Go to Zatanna, I know,” Dick says distractedly. “I will. I think I should. After our mission today, I will. It’s just…nothing specific, you know? Just an off feeling.”

The gate opens, and Dick quickly turns to the side. “Hey—”

He catches Tim’s water bottle, just as Tim drops it.

“Oh!” Tim says, flinching back. “Hey. Nice catch.”

Dick hands it back to him, mind spinning.

“I don’t know what happened,” Tim continues. “I wasn’t paying attention, I guess, sorry—”

Everything stops.

Day 3

Dick wakes up.

He shoots up in bed with a gasp. He throws his sheets off of him then lunges at his phone, unlocking the screen to check the day and time. Sunday. 08:04.

He falls back into bed, phone clutched tightly in his hand. Okay, He thinks, slightly hysterical. Okay. This is…this is probably the curse, huh? This is probably the curse.

What had the man said again? Something about…validation. Satisfaction in validation. And a cycle of discontent.

Well. That’s the cycle part figured, then. He’s gonna keep resetting until he breaks whatever curse this is. So, all he needs to do is figure out exactly what it is that’s going on that’s causing the resets, and he should be good to go. Right?

“Okay,” He tells himself. “Okay, what were the factors that set this off? What made me reset?”

The obvious answer, is, of course, Tim.

He thinks on this for a moment. He’ll need to tell Tim everything, brainstorm through the issue with him. He’s smart, he’ll probably help him figure this out…

His phone rings. He looks down. Tim.

He picks up.

“Hey, Dick,” Tim says. “So, I’m working on something—”

“I’m on my way,” Dick says, running to his closest to grab something. “Just gimme a—”

“Hey,” Tim says, confusion clear in his voice. “It’s okay, there’s no emergency or anything, I just need your help with something.”

“I know,” Dick says. “And I can do that. But I need your help with something too. Buckle up, it’s a weird one.”

-

“Time loop?” Tim says, eyes wide.

“Time loop.” Dick confirms with a nod.

Tim sits back in his chair, baffled. “Well,” He says. “The good news is that you’ve only just started on this, I guess. Maybe you won’t have to deal with it for much longer.”

Dick groans, going facedown on the table’s surface. “Don’t do that,” He says, voice muffled. “You just jinxed me.”

“Shut up,” Tim says, but he sounds distant. “What did the guy say again?”

Dick lifts his head. “He cursed me with never finding satisfaction in validation,” He says. “And told me I’d be stuck in a cycle of discontent. And then he started saying something about a person I’d need it from before I stopped him.”

“Hm,” Tim says, steepling his fingers together. “And when you went through the days with me, it reset at about the same time both times?”

“Yeah,” Dick side eyes him. “You’ve got your I-have-an-idea face there, Timbo.”

“I do not,” Tim says, making his I-have-an-idea face. “Well. I do have an idea…not a very specific one, but still.”

Dick raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“There’s a specific series of events,” Tim begins, “That lead to your reset. I speak with you, you come here, we discuss the case, we go out to get food, I drop my water, and then you wake up. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” Dick says. “That’s right.”

“So,” Tim says. “What if we disrupt it? We break the chain of events. And then we can see from there. It could be time related. Did we leave at about the same time both days? Did the reset happen at about the same time both days?”

Dick thinks about it for a second. “You know what…” He says slowly. “Yeah. It did. Around…12:30, I wanna say?”

“Okay,” Tim says. “So let’s stay in. And then wait for 12:30. Disrupt the chain of events, and then see if you reset or not. And if you don’t…we’ll know it’s not time dependent, and we can try to work on it from there.”

“Timbo,” Dick says, beaming at him. “That’s a great idea. You’re great!”

Tim blushes. “Come on,” He says. “Stop it. It’s just an idea. I didn’t even think about what the actual phrasing of the curse could actually mean.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Dick says, grinning. “It’s a start! And if I don’t reset at 12:30…it means we’re making progress! And maybe I won’t have to be stuck in this, which I would very much appreciate.”

Tim smiles back. “Well,” He says. “If you do reset, come find me, okay? We can pick up where we left off, and you can explain everything we’ve tried so far.”

“You’re the best, Timmy,” Dick says. He checks his phone. “I think we’ll find out soon, anyway. We hit 12:30 in about half an hour, so. We’ll know then.”

Tim nods at him. “Okay,” He says, sighing. “So. We wait.”

-

Half an hour passes with the speed of molasses. Dick can’t sit still the entire time: his knee jumps constantly, he fiddles with anything he can get his hands on, he gets up and paces on occasion.

Fifteen minutes in, Tim looks at him askance. “That isn’t helping you, Dick,” He says, clearly trying to be patient with him. “Sit down. Nap, or something. Wait, actually don’t. Go watch puppy videos on your phone, or something.”

“As cute as that sounds,” Dick says. “I don’t think that’s gonna help.”

Tim sighs. “You’re so fidgety,” He complains. “You must have been such a nightmare child. I feel like apologizing to Bruce on your behalf.”

“I wasn’t that bad,” Dick defends. “If anything, Bruce needs to apologize to me for not being able to manage my energy.”

Tim grins. “Well,” He says. “Can’t say I disagree with you on that.” He checks his phone. “Okay,” He says, countenance turning entirely. “Minute to go. Tell me if you start feeling weird, or something.”

Dick nods, shifting nervously. “Will do,” He says, then starts counting time in his head. 60, 59, 58…

He makes it to the last few, 4, 3, 2, 1, then braces himself.

Nothing happens.

Dick turns to Tim. “I feel normal,” He tells him. “No resetting feeling or anything going on from here!”

“Let’s wait a little longer, Tim says, eyebrows furrowed. “Maybe there’s a specific time to the minute or second to hit, and we haven’t gotten there yet.”

Dick groans. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” He says, sitting down again. “Okay. Let’s wait.”

Another fifteen minutes pass. Then twenty.

And still nothing.

Dick turns to Tim again, eyebrows raised. “It looks like I’m still good,” He says. “I think we can say that I’m in the clear?”

Tim nods. “Looks like,” He says. “So it’s not time dependent. Nor chain of events dependent. There has to be a trigger here. We have to find out what it is.”

Dick nods, tapping a finger to his knee. “Satisfaction in validation,” He mutters. “So that means…it’s something where I got validated for something? When did that happen in the previous resets?”

Tim frowns. “Let’s try to go through your day,” He says. “Specific things you did. Specific things you said. Maybe we’ll figure it out that way.”

Dick sighs, running a hand through his hair. “My memory isn’t as good as yours,” He says, running through his days in his head. “And…I don’t know, the details are kinda fuzzy. But I’ll try.”

“I know, Tim says, not unsympathetic. “It’s not easy, sorry—”

Everything stops.

Day 4

Dick wakes up.

Shit, he thinks. It’s unnecessary at this point, but he checks his phone again. Sunday. 08:04.

He taps his phone to his chin, frustrated. Right. So, it clearly isn’t a Tim-specific problem. Or, maybe it is? Maybe it’s the combination of location and person?

If that’s the case…maybe if he just doesn’t go, then he doesn’t reset.

Satisfaction in validation.

He still isn’t sure about that one. But if he can hack it by breaking the curse without figuring that out, then he’ll take it.

Anyway, if he stays away from Tim for the day, he might figure out how long it’ll let him go before it resets. Will it go on forever, until he sees Tim. Will he have to avoid him for a while? Can’t let that happen, He thinks. That would be ridiculous.

He really should give Zatanna a call. She might be able to break the curse without even needing to figure that part out.

His phone rings, and he picks up without even looking the screen. “Hey Timmy,” He says, deciding not to try to tip him off that anything was amiss. “How’s it going?”

“Hey Dick,” Tim responds, “I’ve got something here—”

“Okay Tim,” Dick says, going to get his day started (again). “If you need my help with something, I’m all in. But I’ve got something I gotta go do, so I can’t actually come over. Is it something you can send me? Promise I’ll help out.”

“Sure,” Tim says, sounding a bit taken aback. “Yeah, no worries. Thanks for the help, Dick. I’ll send it to you now. Standby.”

“Thanks, Timmy. See ya.” Dick says, disconnecting, and feeling a little bad about the whole thing. He’d usually jump at any opportunity or hang out, which Tim knows. He doesn’t think he’d hurt his feelings or anything, but he still does feel a bit guilty for blowing him off like that.

It’s for a good cause, He thinks. I’ll come by to see him when all this is over.

He thinks about Tim’s directive to come see him during the next reset. Sorry, buddy. Maybe if I reset again. So, what can he do? How does he go about solving this problem?

He gets ready, thinking about how to go about his day. Maybe I should call Zatanna, He thinks, putting his jacket on. And hopefully she’ll be able to see me now.

Dick heads out of his apartment, not having a particular plan in mind. He pulls out his phone, considering giving Zatanna that call. He scrolls through his contacts, hovering over her name, conflicted.

As he goes to open the doors to his building’s stairwell, they suddenly swing open in his direction. Startled, he steps back, just about missing being flattened by the door.

One of his neighbors emerges, almost bumping into him. “Oh my god,” The man says. “I didn’t see you there, I’m so sorry—”

Everything stops.

Day 5

Dick wakes up.

Sunday. 08:04.

He sighs, leaning back against his pillow. Take 5, I guess.

Right. Okay, so. It’s pretty clear what’s causing this now.

Satisfaction in validation. Apology.

If he receives an apology, no matter who it’s from, then his day resets.

He can’t believe he hadn’t noticed before. Both times with Tim and the water bottle, he’d apologized to trigger the time loop. In the non water bottle day, Tim’s “sorry” had triggered it. With his neighbor, the apology from the door had triggered it. Getting it from a new person had really brought it home.

So, solutions?

He sits back up, holding his phone, waiting for Tim’s call. The obvious play would be to just…not receive any apologies. While it’s easier said than done, it would definitely give him an idea of what’s going on, and help him test how far this loop is going to let him do. Could he go days, weeks, even years without an apology, then receive one and loop back around? That would be a problem.

Well. Maybe he can test it out, just for today. A no-apology-day.

The phone rings. He picks it up. “Hey, Timmy,” He says. “How’re you doing?”

“Hey Dick,” Tim responds, “I’ve got something here—”

Well. If he wants to be left alone today…

“Oh yeah, Tim,” Dick says, trying his best to remember his earlier statement. “If you need my help with something I’m ready. But I’ve got something i have to do today, so I can’t actually come over. Can you send me the files and I’ll give you a call about them later? I’d come if I could, promise.”

“Sure,” Tim says, and he sounds the same as last time, excellent. “Yeah, no worries. Thanks for the help, Dick. I’ll send it to you now. Standby.”

“See ya Timbo,” Dick says, disconnecting with a sigh. It’s more waiting, then. And this time, he’s gonna have to do it alone.

-

Staying away from people all day is difficult.

He knows he’s got a reputation as a people-person, but that’s only because he has the fortune to be in probably the most socially awkward family in history. He actually doesn’t mind a little alone time every now and then.

This, though? This is total isolation. And, while he’s wired and worried and anxious, is a tough thing for him to overcome.

He spends the first part of his day working on the stuff Tim sent him. He’d seen it all before, of course, but he makes sure to really pour over the information, adding a lot of very detailed explanations and analyses. He hopes this doesn’t make Tim suspicious (who is he kidding? Of course it will) but hopefully he won’t have enough time to actually act on his suspicions before Dick can hopefully move on to phase two of his curse-breaker plan.

After he sends all his notes to Tim, he finds himself left with hours and hours of time and people to avoid. Which, actually, is harder than he’d anticipated.

He spends the rest of the day from late afternoon fielding calls. As a general rule, Dick always picks up (just in case. You never know who’s using a burner). But man, he hasn’t realized exactly how many people call him until he wanted to avoid talking. After checking to see if anyone was in any immediate danger (they were not) he’d make his excuses and hop off swiftly before anyone got it their minds to give him an apology of some kind.

Not to mention the texts. And half of them aren’t even work stuff: just Wally sending him memes, or Donna sending him memes, or Babs sending him another article on the activities of the Red Hood, or Amy sending him memes, or Clark sending his weekly “good afternoon 😊” texts that he somehow manages to stick to every single week. Dick doesn’t know if apology-by-text would count here, and it is a minefield navigating conversations to make sure that the word is never sent from the other end.

“Sorry” is, in Dick’s opinion, very overused.

As for the rest of his time in self-induced isolation, he tries to keep himself busy. The TV is on, and he scrolls through all the things he’d put on his watch later list on streaming services (he watches nothing). He picks up a book he’d planned to trying (only to put it down minutes later, unable to concentrate). He tries stretching and running through some gentle warmup exercises (this one takes).

Overall, it’s not an experience he’s keen on repeating. If I make it 24 hours without looping, he tells himself firmly. I’m going to call Zatanna.

It probably would’ve been smarter to start with her, like Tim had said, but hey. The more info he can give her about how this works, the easier time she’ll have lifting it.

He makes it to the evening, and then into the night without further incident. Thankfully, Tim hadn’t tried to call him back. Nor did, to his relief, Bruce. Bruce would probably see through him in a heartbeat, and involving him in this would be a headache and a half to deal with.

As time ticks down to midnight, Dick feels exhaustion wash over him, thanks to the nervous tension he’d held on to the entire day. No he tells himself, staring at the blurry numbers on his phone. Stay awake.

Once midnight passes, maybe he can take a nap. Then he can figure out what to do next.

He rubs at his eyes, glancing at his phone again. 23:59.

Well, he’s almost done with the full day. This should give him a good idea of how this curse wo—

12:00

Everything stops.

Day 6

Dick wakes up.

Sunday. 08:04.

He doesn’t even wait for the phone call this time. Instead, he scrolls through his contacts, tapping on Zatana’s name with a determined finality.

-

“Ah. Well, that seems like an issue, doesn’t it?”

Dick groans, putting his head in his hands. “Yeah,” He says, voice muffled between his fingers. “It really is. Thanks for coming to help break it. I couldn’t risk going out to you.”

A hand pats his head. “No problem,” Zatanna says, sounding amused. “And, look. Could be worse. You’re, what, a week in? Not too bad. And with the myriad of curses out there? This is a pretty light one, comparatively speaking.”

Dick sighs, dropping his hands on his lap. “I guess,” He says. “So. What’s the deal here? Can you break this…whatever it is?”

“Let me check,” Zatanna puts a hand on his head and closes her eyes. Her hand glows into a warm, white light, and he feels a sense of peace wash over him…

She takes her hand away. “There’s definitely something there,” She says, sitting back down across from him. “But. I’ll tell you right now, it’s more risk than it’s worth to break from my end.”

Dick frowns. “What’s the risk?” He asks.

Zatanna shrugs. “Since I don’t know the magician, or the source of the magic,” She says. “I’d have to go with a general curse break. It would require a lot of energy from both our sides, and then you would need to keep feeding the break from your own energy. It takes too long, or you don’t have enough? Well…it would be risky, let’s just say that. It wouldn’t be worth it for a relatively low stakes curse like this.”

“Okay,” Dick says. “Yeah. I see your point. So,” He crosses his arms. “What do you think? How would I break this and resolve the time loop normally?”

Zatanna goes over to his fridge, pulls out a water bottle. “Here,” She says, giving it to him.

Dick takes it, confused. “Will drinking this solve it?”

Zatanna laughs. “It’s just water,” She says, sitting back down next to him. “You look dehydrated. Okay. I need your memory recall.”

Dick takes a sip. “Okay,” He says.

“We need to go through the exact wording of the curse,” She says. “Figure out exactly what you were cursed with, and then resolve it. Probably the best way to deal with it would be to confront it directly.”

Dick frowns. “Okay,” He says, going through the memory. “Exact wording? I went through this with Tim earlier. Um,” He thinks for a moment. “May you never find satisfaction in validation. May you be locked in a cycle of discontent. May the one who you need the most from—” He stops. “He cut off there.”

“Huh,” Zatanna says. She looks elegant even when she’s confused. “That’s…verbose.”

“Tell me about it,” Dick says. “Anyway. I think I’ve figured out what the first two parts mean. Satisfaction in validation probably refers to the apologies, because every loop occurred right after I got one. Cycle of discontent is probably the loop, because, well, I’ve been looping. The third part got interrupted, so I don’t know if it went through…”

Zatanna gives him a piercing stare. “Interesting,” She says. “Wait a moment. Let me try something.”

Dick nods. “Go for it.”

She looks directly at him, mouth curled up in a slight smile. “I’m sorry,” She says.

Dick flinches, slamming his eyes shut. A moment later, he opens them to find Zatanna still sitting across from him, eyes sparkling.

“Why’d you do that?” Dick demands, heart pounding. “At least warn me first.”

Zatanna laughs. “I know,” She says. “I needed to check something. So. It looks like the apology needs to be sincere in order to trigger the reset.”

“Oh,” Dick says. “Okay. I see what you did. So this is better, right? Just hearing sorry won’t be enough to catapult me back?”

“Yes,” Zatanna says. “I have to tell you, though. I think this just made the curse break a lot more complicated.”

Dick frowns. “How so?”

“Well,” Zatanna says. “The third part of the curse. That’s the key to breaking it. He may not have finished the phrase but he started it, which should’ve been enough to make it stick. It looks like you’re gonna have to hear an apology from a specific person, a sincere apology, in order the break the curse.”

Dick breaks out into a smile. “Thanks, Z,” He says. “Should be easy enough, right? I have to tell you, I was expecting something a lot more—”

He trails off at the sympathetic look on her face. “What?” He asks, an ominous feeling settling over him. “What is it?”

“Well,” She says. “The wording says ‘the one who you need the most from’ is the person you’ll need to get the sincere apology from. Tell me, who do you think that is?”

Dick turns it over in his mind for a moment, then…

Bruce…A voice in his head whispers. It sounds like his own, but not.

He freezes. “Oh no.”

“Yeah,” Zatanna says, exuding sympathy again. “I think we both know who that should be.”

“How do you know?” He asks, heart pounding. “Are we even thinking of the same person?”

“Oh, please,” Zatanna says. “Who else could it be? We can confirm it though. Does he dress like a bat and fight crime?”

Dick groans. “Oh my god,” He says. “How am I even gonna do that? Get a sincere apology from him? I can’t even talk to him most of the time.”

“You’ll have to, to break the curse.” Zatanna says. Dick takes another sip of water. “And remember, you only have til midnight of the same day to do it.”

“A deadline,” Dick says, despairing. “Even better.”

“Right,” Zatanna says. “So you have a plan, then? Know where you’re going?”

“Yeah,” He says. “I just have to come up with an idea…”

“You’ll probably need the full day,” Zatanna says. “So allow me, okay? Good luck.”

Dick frowns at her. “What do you mea—”

She looks him right in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

Everything stops.

Day 7

Dick wakes up.

Sunday. 08:04.

He groans, considering just going back to sleep and dealing with this again tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. Whatever.

Because, well. Getting Bruce involved? That’s gonna be a whole ordeal.

Not to mention, getting Bruce to give him a sincere apology in less than a day? Talk about an impossible task.

He might as well get started now. He’ll need all the time he can get.

The phone rings.

“Hey, Timbo,” Dick says. “How’s it going?”

-

In many ways, this day plays out a lot like the first one.

He shows up at Tim’s invitation, then takes him through the case that he now knows like the back of his hand. Tim’s shocked but impressed, and it’s really amusing even though he’s kind of cheating.

“Thanks, Dick,” Tim says, scribbling down in his notes. “I think I just need to set up a trap, and then we’ll be all good here.”

And here’s where the divergence has to happen.

Dick nods. “No worries,” He says. “Hey. Bruce around?”

“Yeah,” Tim says. “He’s around here somewhere, probably down in the Cave. Why?”

“Gotta talk to him,” He says, standing up. He ruffles Tim’s hair on the way. “See you later.”

He can’t tip them off. If the apology needs to be sincere, Bruce cant be aware that it has to be, or the sincerity is gone. Right?

It’s gonna be a challenge either way, and he takes the route down to the cave in a grim sort of silence.

He taps on the large wall twice as he walks in, sound echoing across the cave. “Hey, Bruce,” He says, heart pounding. “How’s it going?”

Bruce is sitting at the computer, staring at bits of data that only make sense to him. “Dick,” He acknowledges, without turning around. “Working on this. You been hearing about what’s going on in New York?”

“Hm?” Dick goes through his non-time-loop-related memory bank. “Oh. You mean…the alien incident? Yeah. Why, is that relevant to us?”

“Maybe,” Bruce says, still staring at the screen. “Possibly. There’s something there…”

He trails off. Dick is familiar with the pauses, so he waits patiently.

He’s putting it off. Time is of the essence, and he’s putting it off. But goddamn. He really does not want to do this.

The only thing he can think of doing at this point is to go in bluntly. He doesn’t have time to plan a more nuanced approach, and Bruce’ll probably see right through it anyway.

Here we go, Dick thinks, before taking a deep breath. “Bruce,” He says, and he can barely get the words out. “We need to talk, okay?”

He’s not sure if it’s the words or the tone that gets Bruce’s attention, but it works. Right away, Bruce whirls around in his chair. His focus, previously fully on the screen in front of him, is now concentrated entirely on Dick. “What is it?” Bruce asks, and he staring at him like he’s able to see right into his brain, like he’s reading through his thoughts one by one.

The weight of his attention is almost too much to bear. “Um,” He says, taking another breath. “It’s. Well. It’s kind of a long story.”

Bruce isn’t moved. “You’re sacred,” He observes, leaning closer. “What is it? What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

Dick lets out a shaky breath, trying to regain his composure. “Do you trust me?” He asks.

This probably doesn’t help with Bruce’s concern. His eyes narrow. “Why?” He asks. “What’s wrong?”

“If you do,” Dick says. “I need you to trust me on this. Um. I need an apology, okay?”

Whatever Bruce had anticipated he’d say, it was clearly not this. “What.” He says flatly, more of a statement than a question.

“I…” Dick says, feeling like he’d made a mistake with his approach. “I need you to say sorry, okay? To me.”

Bruce is, uncharacteristically, shocked into silence. He sits back, face impassive, eyes confused. “For what?” He finally asks, when Dick doesn’t elaborate further.

Of all the questions…“Anything,” Dick says, and he feels his face grow hot. “Pick something. There’s a lot… I just need a verbal apology from you, okay? And you need to mean it.”

Bruce’s face finally cracks, settling on a frown. “What is this?” He asks, voice rising. “Where is this coming from?”

“You trust me, right?” Dick says, an edge of desperation to his voice. “I need you to do this. Please.”

He thinks the plea will be enough. It isn’t.

Bruce just stares at him. “What is this?” He repeats, then: “Tell me this: how old were you when I fired you?”

Dick’s stomach drops. “Bruce,” He says. “It’s me. I’m me, you don’t need to check—”

“How old?” Bruce snaps. Dick can see his hands drift to his belt.

He exhales. “Seventeen,” He says, conceding defeat. “It was after I got shot.”

Bruce’s hands pause right before they get to his weapons. “Then,” He says. “Why are you asking this? You’re not making any sense.”

“I know,” Dick says. “But…I’ll explain later. I just need this from you. Please.”

Bruce grits his teeth. “I can’t do that unless I know..”

Dick stares at him. “You won’t?” He asks. “You’re not gonna trust me on this?”

Bruce doesn’t answer, still eyeing him suspiciously.

Dick tastes defeat on his tongue. Embarrassment, rage, and sadness battle in his throat. “Fine,” He says shortly, turning around. “I’ll…I’ll go then. See you tomorrow.”

Bruce doesn’t go after him.

-

Dick gets back home and goes right to his apartment, slamming the door shut as he enters.

He’ll need another plan tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. But, for now…

For now, he sits and stares at the time until it hits midnight.

Day 8

Dick wakes up.

He doesn’t even bother to check the date and time, jumping out of bed and grabbing for his clothes.

Okay. New plan. New approach. But what? Straightforward isn’t going to work. Subtle isn’t going to work. What’s left to him now? How can he possibly get Bruce to apologize to him and mean it?

He freezes in the middle of putting on a sock. Maybe…maybe he wasn’t doing enough earlier. Maybe he needs to get more straightforward. God knows Bruce can pull out sincerity when he needs it. Maybe hearing that the world is in a time loop that only he can break will do enough.

Grimly, he pulls the rest of the sock on. He’ll be able to tell Tim this way too, and maybe the both of them can convince Bruce of doing this together.

The phone rings. He grabs it. “Timmy,” He says. “It’s Two Face, by the way. Your case. You’ll just need to set your trap for tonight, and you’re golden.”

There’s a short silence, then: “How did you know that?” Tim asks, baffled. Dick can practically hear him peering at all corners of his room. “How—”

“I’m on my way, okay?” Dick says, grabbing his keys. “I’ll explain everything when I get there.”

-

“Time loop?” Tim says, eyes wide.

“Time loop.” Dick confirms with a nod.

“Damn,” Tim says, shaking his head. “And I told you to keep coming to me to figure this out and you didn’t? Lame. This could’ve been over by now.”

Dick huffs a laugh. “Honestly,” he says, shrugging. “You might be right.”

“How’re you gonna…you know?” Tim says, giving him a sideways glance. “Get Bruce to agree? Think cluing him in to all this is gonna help?”

“It has to, right?” Dick says, sighing. “I mean, asking him to do it didn’t work. If he knows it’s a time loop, then he’ll try.”

“But what if trying is the problem,” Tim says, and Dick stops him before he can continue.

“I know,” Dick says. “I considered that one too. But we have to try. The other way didn’t work, and if this does then we’re golden. If not…then I guess I’ll have to try something else.”

Tim rubs his head. “Well,” he says. “At least you get a bunch of do overs, free of charge. It’s not even a this-place-kinda-sucks Groundhog Day situation.”

Dick can only laugh. “Yeah,” He says. “We’re only on round 8, too. Haven’t even reached double digits yet.”

“Light work,” Tim scoffs, then stands up. “C’mon. Let’s go tell Bruce now.”

“Yeah,” Dick says, the familiar dread starting to form in his stomach. “Okay, let’s go.”

When they make their way down to the Cave, Bruce is exactly where Dick had left him. Staring at the a screen, contemplating the information within.

“Dick,” Bruce says, almost like an announcement. I know that you’re there. “Come take a look at this. You been hearing about what’s going on in New York?”

“Yeah,” Dick says, making his way over. He doesn’t look at the screen. “I couldn’t tell you if it’s relevant or not to us, though. But, Bruce. Listen. I need your help with something.”

“Hm?” Bruce says. His eyes stay on the screen, but Dick can tell that he’s listening. “What is it?”

Dick gives a side glance to Tim. Tim gives him a thumbs up. “Well,” He begins. I seem to have found myself in a…time loop situation. Groundhog Day style.”

This interests Bruce enough that he turns around, pinning Dick with a very familiar searching look. “Time loop?” He asks, then. “Report.”

“I got cursed,” Dick says, keeping it short and simple. “In Blüdhaven. I’ve completed about 7 resets so far. The loop triggers whenever I get an apology, and when the day ends. I spoke with Zatanna during one of the resets, and she told me that I essentially got cursed with needing to hear a sincere apology from…well, you. And if you do that, it’ll stop the loop.”

Bruce barely flinches. Dick’s kind of impressed despite himself. “Hm,” Bruce says, eyeing him critically. “Is this verifiable?”

“It is,” Tim chimes in. “He knew about the thing I’m working on. Knew the questions I was gonna ask him before I was able to do it.”

“Interesting,” Bruce says. “Well. An apology, you say?”

Dick shrugs. “Yeah,” He says, “Should be easy enough, right? It had to be sincere to work, though. The word itself doesn’t trigger anything. It’s more like the word plus the intention.”

Bruce considers him further. “Right,” He says, almost to himself. “Well then. My apologies.”

Dick waits. Nothing happens.

“You have to mean it, Bruce,” He tries. “Just…anything. Anything you have any guilt about. It should work.”

Bruce looks him in the eye, holds contact for a few second, then darts a glance to the side. “I’m sorry,” He says. It sounds somber, real.

Another beat. Nothing happens.

“Are you sure?” Bruce says, and Dick makes an annoyed sound. “That this is supposed to be me?”

“Pretty sure,” Dick says, already tired of the conversation.

“Why?” Bruce says. He gets up, clearly getting into detective-mode. “What did the curse say exactly? I need precise details.”

Dick sighs. “Bruce…”

Tim sidles up to him. “Dude,” He says, sympathetically. “Sorry.”

Both their eyes go wide at the same time before—

Everything stops.

Day 9

Dick wakes up.

He knows what’s gonna happen, but feels the need to check anyway:

Sunday. 08:04.

Great.

Well. He’s still chasing this Bruce angle, so he needs to up back to the manor for take 3 there. One more round of loops, and I’ll hit double digits. He thinks.

The straightforward approach didn’t work. Telling him the situation didn’t work. So he’s going to need to be more subtle with it, try to manipulate the situation into getting an apology.

Dick shakes his head. How is he going to do that, when Bruce has never apologized to him for anything big that he’d done?

Well. He doesn’t have a choice, does he? If this fails, maybe he’ll make a PowerPoint presentation of all the relevant points, and maybe Bruce will be convinced enough to apologize…

He’s getting ahead of himself. He should just try this round and see…

He grabs his phone, dials Tim.

“Hey!” Tim picks up. “I was literally just about to call you.”

“Oh, great,” Dick says, grabbing his shirt. “What a cool coincidence. I just wanted to check with you if Bruce is around, I wanted to talk to him.”

“Yeah,” Tim says. “Mind if I pick your brain before you go in?”

“Sure,” Dick says. He doesn’t want to alert Tim’s suspicions. “I’m on my way.”

-

Dick stops right outside the Cave, indecision burning away at him.

He needs a battle plan. If he doesn’t go in fully prepared, Bruce is gonna pry him apart in seconds.

Okay, He thinks to himself. Be friendly. Be open. Be helpful. And then…pick a fight. But don’t yell. Act hurt. And see

Oh, this is gonna go great.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he saunters into the cave, tapping at the wall twice. “Hey, Bruce,” He greets. “What’s up?”

Bruce is sitting at the computer, staring at bits of data that only make sense to him. “Dick,” He acknowledges, without turning around. “Working on this. You been hearing about what’s going on in New York?”

“Yeah,” Dick says. He approaches the screen, actually looking at the information this time. “Why? Think it’s something we should look at?”

He tries to include himself in the discussion, signaling to Bruce that he’s here to help.

It works. “Maybe,” Bruce thinks. This time, he gestures to Dick to come forward. “If you look here,” He points. “The origin of these beings seems…oddly familiar.”

Dick nods, barely processing the information. He keeps looking for a way in, a way to fall into an argument. “Sure,” He says. How is he going to do this? How is he ever going to get Bruce to say sorry? “You think it’s…uh….”

The words get stuck in his throat.

Bruce looks at him. “Dick?” He asks.

His voice sounds so genuine in that moment that Dick almost can’t handle it. “I’m good,” He says. His voice cracks. “Yeah, I’m good. Just…uh. I’m good.”

Oh boy. This is going great.

Shut up. He tells himself. Pull yourself together.

He looks down at his hands. They’re shaking.

He feels himself being pushed into a chair. “Dick?” A pair of hands grabs his face, lifts it up. He sees Bruce peering into his eyes. “What’s going on?”

Dick chuckles between breaths. “Nothing,” He says, trying to get himself back under control. “I’m good.”

“Clearly not,” Bruce eyes him. “Hold on. I’m going to do an assessment.” He pats Dick’s shoulder. “Stay calm.”

“I am,” Dick insists. He’s mostly embarrassed, really. His hands are still shaking.

In no time at all, he feels his head being yanked back over the top of the chair. A bright light is shined in his eyes.

He hisses, the sudden change in position confusing him. Pain radiates through his neck. “Sorry,” Bruce says, offhandedly, peering into his face. “Need to do this. You don’t look like you have a head injury…”

But Dick…

Dick has…

Sorry…

The word echoes in his head. Did he just…

He gets a feeling like a bucket of ice water has been thrown on him. Everything around him comes into focus with a scary amount of clarity.

Bruce clearly feels a difference, because he pauses. “Dick?” He asks again.

Dick blinks. Once. Twice. “I’m okay,” He gasps. He thinks he means it this time. “I’m okay.”

-

Bruce had been reluctant to send him home after that.

Dick doesn’t blame him. He’d completely fallen apart right then and there and probably scared the shit out of him, so.

And, well. His panic had been clear in the fact that. That he’d apologized. And…and it may have broken the curse? He thinks? He’s no expert, but there’s only one way to find out, really.

So, Bruce’s absolute insistence that he stay the night didn’t push his buttons the way it usually would. Instead, he gives in to the pushing. He’s too tired not to.

Plus, once Bruce got Alfred involved…there was no way he was gonna get away after that.

That’s why Dick finds himself in his childhood bedroom hours later, staring at the stick-on glow-in-the-dark stars and moons on the ceiling.

Satisfaction in validation. He thinks, then. Suck it.

He should probably go back to the warehouse anyway. Can’t have the dude going ahead cursing other people willy-nilly. Next time, he’ll bring Zatanna.

Bruce apologized. He thinks. It still blows him away. He actually apologized.

Not for anything major, either. Just…just in the moment, not even thinking about it. The words slipped out, just like that. Like he did it all the time.

Dick thinks he should be feeling some type of way about that. That it should resolve at something inside of him, at the thing that’s been there ever since he was seventeen years old.

May you never find satisfaction in validation..

He shakes it off. Maybe he would feel differently if it was a bigger apology. Or maybe it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Either way. He’s pretty sure that the curse has lifted, but he’s not gonna count it a done deal until he hits the next day without incident.

May you never find satisfaction in validation…

Dick keeps an eye out on his phone, trying his best to stay awake.

The time ticks down…

12:00.

He draws a breath, then another. He waits.

Monday. 12:01.

He drops his phone on the bed, breathing deeply. I did it. He thinks. I did it.

May you never find satisfaction in validation

He swallows all the feelings still simmering below the surface, then drops off to sleep.

[mooodyblue]

hello my dear lily!! no rush for this request at all but any time u feel like writing more cg!austin I would love to read some! maybe reader slips while they’re on vacation together. (yes I’ve been smiling looking at pics of kaia and aus in paris together 😭❤️)

sooo late but thank you for the request friend !!! hope u enjoy 🫶🏼

pastries and jealousy

pairing: cg!austin butler x gn!little!reader

wc: 1.2k

➸ masterlist

austin was a busy man, never seeming to catch a break. but when he was presented with the opportunity to go to a launch party for his perfume in paris—he took that as a perfect opportunity for the two of you to have a romantic getaway.

paris was okay for the most part. you attended events with him, went for nice walks together, and stayed curled up in bed every morning till it was time to get up. it was nice to have some time with him after such a long time. you missed this, missed him. although, there was always a strong pang of jealousy whenever he was mingling with others at the fashion events he attended. he was yours, nobody else's. seeing him give that dreamy, bedroom glance to someone else made you feel awful.

after coming back from a launch party, the two of you were silent in the cab ride home and austin definitely noticed. austin often joked when the two of you were apart that he just had a feeling you weren't having a good day, so being next to you? he didn't even have to ask if you were okay or not. 

he placed his hand on yours, resting between the two of you on the seat. “what's wrong?” he asked, glancing over at you staring outside the window. he got even more concerned when he saw your thumb slip between your lips—a habit you had when you were anxious about something. he reached over and grabbed your wrist, “don't do that.” 

you let out a whine in response, crossing your arms with a huff as you looked out the window.

he couldn't help but chuckle to himself at the pout on your face despite your obvious annoyance. “you feelin’ little, baby?” he asked, rubbing your back gently. 

oh, how you wished you could stay mad at him. his gentle touch softened you up, glancing at him and then down at your lap. “i dunno…” you muttered. before you left for paris, you promised yourself you wouldn't slip. not while on a much-needed vacation-that-wasn't-really-a-vacation. you didn't even pack your paci or a stuffie. what an awful time for you to suddenly regress.

“that's alright.” he pressed his lips against your temple and kept a hand on your back, trying to think of something to cheer you up or even help you fully slip. he had packed an emergency bag for times like this, except he had it at the hotel. but it was clear you needed a boost, and that's exactly what he was going to do for you.

he glanced out his side of the window, noticing a small bakery on the corner. never in a million years did he think he’d be giving you sweets for no reason, but he thought you deserved a nice pick me up…or maybe that was a valid reason.

you were surprised when he brought you to a small bakery, the fresh smell of baked goods and coffee filling the air the moment you stepped in. your eyes were glued to the glass windows, looking at the various pastries and breads the place had to offer. 

there was so much to choose from….various macaroon flavors, cakes, sweet breads—it was taking everything in you to not jump out and down in excitement. 

“....you hear me?” 

you stood up straight, looking at austin. “huh?”

he put an arm around your shoulder, shaking his head, amused by how had suddenly drowned him out. “i said—you can pick out a few things. whatever you want, baby. my treat.”

“anything?” you gasped, looking back at the desserts. 

“yes, anything.” he repeated. “i’ll even buy us a couple of hot chocolates, that alright?” 

you let out another tiny gasp, holding onto his arm and stomping your feet excitedly. “i want whipped cream!” 

he adored how excited you got over small things while little, he was practically beaming with happiness just by looking at you, unable to keep the smile off his face. “what's the magic word?” 

“please!” you answered proudly. 

“good job, baby!” he kissed your cheek and let you finish looking at the various pastries. 

austin definitely splurged a little too much on you, but it was a local bakery—he even made sure to tip well. he got the two of you a seat in the corner to prevent anyone coming up to him or having anyone take sneaky photos of the two of you. this was his private time, he wanted to spend it well with you.

he had a tiny box of macaroons and a box of various pastries to share. you're brain wasn't able to fully pronounce some of the words, so you pointed as he told the barista what you were pointing at. 

you thanked him as he set everything down on the table, holding the warm cup of hot chocolate between your hands. 

as you were about to take a sip–austin took a sip first, giving you a soft smile and completely unaware of the white, creamy mustache on his upper lip. you let out a soft giggle, looking at him and covering your mouth to stifle back a laugh. 

“what?” austin raised an eyebrow, “whats so funny?” 

you kicked your feet under the table, giggling again. “you have whipped cream on your face!” 

his eyes widened, looking at his reflection on his phone and turning red before going to wipe it off. “okay, okay. it's not that funny.” he mumbled, “eat a macaroon.” he quickly said to change the topic.

an eclair, tart, and a few macaroons later–you took a sip of your own hot chocolate, carefully holding the mug between your hands as you drank carefully. austin knew you were a bit clumsy when little, so he held up the bottom of the cup to give you a bit of support.

you set the mug down, your upper lip now covered in whipped cream. 

he chuckled at you, “how cute.” he grinned. “seems like my mustache has somehow teleported to you.” he dipped his finger into his whipped cream and booped your nose, “there we go, perfect!” 

“daddy!” you whined, dipping your finger into yours and getting some on his cheek. 

“alright! okay! i surrender!” he laughed, wiping his face off with a napkin then wiping off yours. “silly baby.”

after finishing your hot chocolate, he tossed the leftover desserts in a bag and wiped up your face again—clearing of any chocolate or sticky residue from the sweets. “you still mad at me?” he asked, wiping off chocolate from the corner of your lips.

you sighed, “thought daddy got sick of me.” you said with a pout. 

“me? sick of you? oh, sweetie.” he kissed your forehead, “you're my baby. i don't know what gave you that idea, but i’m yours and yours only. alright?” he stood up and took your hand, the other hand carrying the plastic bag. he led the way out of the bakery and back into the cool, crisp paris air, holding your hand as you wandered back to the hotel. 

your arm was hooked under his the whole way, eventually stopping to look at him. “daddy?”

he gave you a soft smile, holding your hands in his. “what's up, baby?” 

“‘m sorry for gettin’...jell–jel–jea—” you stammered.

he waved it off, “jealous. i think that's the word. it’s a big word, isn't it?” he crouched down, “a word that little ones like you shouldn't even be worried about.” he squeezed your hands gently, “i love you, baby. big or little, you'll always be my baby. are we good now?”

you nodded, looking down at him. “okay.” you hugged him tightly, almost making him stumble backward as he let out a laugh. “i love you too.”

[villainessprefect]

~Tell It to My Heart~

title: Heedless Hearts

Dialogue #5: “I love you, you idiot!”

Ace x gn!reader

Read on AO3

You're a smart person, really, you are. Ace has seen you solve problems, school related or not, with ease. You're practically a nerd compared to the Heartslabyul duo. Whatever comes your way, you will always find an answer. No matter the cost.

This leads him to wonder if that's what causes you to be reckless all the time. The drive to find a solution, to help someone else who needs it, even at the cost of your own soul. Maybe you weren't all that smart as he thought.

Ace sighs as he looks at your arm. An icicle made a clean cut on your sleeve, slicing it open and brushing against your flesh. Red dared to leak out, but not at an alarming rate.

"Ah," you hiss as your eyes fall on the fresh wound. "I guess I didn't notice this earlier." You wince as you move your arm and opt to let it hang at your side for the time being. "Oh well, it's not the worst that's happened to me."

It's how you say it so nonchalantly that it...bothers him. And he doesn't like the feeling.

"You didn't have to take the hit, ya know? Honestly, it's like you have a death wish or something." Ace shakes his head and grips your arm. He's surprisingly careful, gentle even, as he lifts it up to get a better look. Yeah, it definitely isn't as bad as taking an eel's tail to the gut, but that didn't mean this didn't hurt. "You knew that was meant for me- why did you take it?"

"You were preoccupied." Ace is quick on his feet, and he's got good reflexes, but he isn't invincible. You weren't a target in most magical fights and after watching so many, you think you could pick up on a few tactics these boys resort to. "It would have knocked the wind out of you. Or worse. I got lucky with just a scratch."

You chuckle as if unaware of how your casual tone affects him. Brushing off some light wound that could have been worse right in front of him stings. Maybe you were right about the damage that could have been done, but that doesn't give you the right to sacrifice yourself.

"And if it would have gotten to you instead?" A tinge of anger slips out and he clicks his tongue. He's never been one to hide how he feels, but he dislikes getting angry with you. It makes him feel like shit afterward. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop him from voicing his thoughts. "You said it yourself, you got lucky. What if it was worse?"

You don't respond and your gaze drifts elsewhere. His tone is harsh, almost scolding. But he makes a valid point, as always.

"I'm sorry," you breathe out. "I just wanted to..."

"Help?" He finishes. "I know you want to, but instead of helping others maybe you should, I dunno, help yourself for once? Instead of getting involved and trying to have some savior complex, be selfish for once. Doing all this isn't going to help you in the long run. Besides, do you know how badly it sucks to see you in the infirmary?"

Ace lets out a breath after letting that out. He hates how you seem to curl into yourself, making it look like he is the bad guy here. Is he wrong to point this out? To worry over you? He frees your hand to run a hand through his hair. Guilt is already eating at him as he sees that downcast expression.

He knows you mean well. You're doing your best in a world that isn't your own. But things aren't the same here as in your world. Even he knows that.

"Look," he starts, internally praying that he can save himself. "I get really worried about you, okay? You're like..." Ace shifts, a little uncomfortable. A friend? Yeah. But you're also more than that. "Special."

"Special?" You look up, eyes filled with confusion upon hearing something sweeter after that brutal truth.

"Yes, you're special. In a good way. Even if you do make the cool look uncool. And if you don't believe it, then I'll prove it to you. Cuz I love you, you idiot."

A pause.

Your cheeks turn red.

His mirror yours.

"See? You made me do a totally uncool and unplanned confession."

"...You mean it?"

Ace is almost in disbelief until he remembers his track record. Okay, so maybe a couple of fibs here and there would come back to bite him in the ass, but...seriously?! Maybe he shouldn't have done this, but he needed to make a point and get it through that thick skull of yours somehow.

"Yeah, I mean it. Don't make me repeat it..." Ace clicks his tongue. Now he's feeling shy? Lame. It's nothing he can't shake off though. "So, what? Are you going to believe me now? Maybe take care of yourself a little more cuz you have someone like me in your life. Or are you going to break my heart?" Cue the overly dramatic sad pouting.

"Hey!" You huff. If your arm wasn't injured, you would have playfully hit his. "I...I'll take care of your heart with all of mine."

Ace's act disappears in an instant. "Oh? Are you sure? That's very bold of you to say so~!" He hums. "You can gush about how much you'll take care of me while we bandage up your silly little mistake. And I'm not taking no for an answer!"

[variousxreader]

I DUNNO IF THIS WAS THE RIGHT INBOX OR NOT AAAAA

CAPTAIN KOBY HEADCANONS MY BELOVED

(Haven’t watched that far into One Piece, I’m at like episode 500 so sorry if these are ooc at all)

General

- Doesn’t like coffee, no matter how much sugar or creamer he puts in it’s always not quite right or to his liking, he’s the same way with some teas.

- Keeps a pocket sketchbook or some sort of small notebook hand, sketches or writes about things he sees or thinks about.

- Favorite animal would be otters, I feel like he would see them frequently while sailing and overall likes them for their smarts, such as using rocks to open shells. Though, he absolutely adores how they hold hands or hold their kin while they sleep or float to not get lost.

- Morning person, definitely. Almost always the first one up and awake, walking around and already doing things while everyone else is still in bed.

- While he has grown up and became stronger, he’s still an easy crier. He gets emotional over things and while he can shove down the need to cry, he finds some place private to let his emotions go. He doesn’t like it when people see him cry publically, he feels like that wouldn’t make him “strong” to anyone anymore, especially with everything he has to go through.

- Struggles with anxiety, and I mean this man is brimming with it. His habit of overthinking can lead him to peril, while he has been scolded for “not doing anything and risking lives” due to it, some of his decisions after that could seem reckless, as he wouldn’t even give a second thought to the first thing that comes to mind.

- Definitely sleeps hugging a pillow, cannot sleep without hugging or holding something.

- Personal headcanon (I don’t know if we ever learn about his family or not) I think that while yes he truly did mistake the Alvida pirate’s boat for a fishing boat, he really was trying to sail away for good that day. People in his life would always tell him that he cries too easily or was too skittish about literally everything, overall bringing him down for years of his life. Yes, it was ok when he was younger, but while this behavior continued, people yelled at him more about how he needed to “not be such a crybaby” and not be so afraid of everything. Even now, he has issues dealing with people yelling or raising their voice at him.

- Another personal headcanon, this fella is so trans masc coded to me. When he found Luffy he was scared at first of course, some random ass stranger popped out of a barrel. But what really sold him is that Luffy didn’t question him at all about how he sounded or looked different, but to be quite frank, Luffy doesn’t seem like the type of person to bring that up anyway. Yes, Luffy saved him and he’s happy about that, but he also saw how he was? How he actually wanted to be? AND inspired his dreams?? The boost of confidence he got from that still fuels him to this day as a captain, that’s why he still looks back to that day, the first day someone saw him for who he actually was and didn’t question him. Still questions to this day if he’s valid or even passing for that matter, but that memory always helps him with dysphoria.

S/O

- Loves spooning, he doesn’t care if he's big or little spoon, he’s perfectly content either being held or him holding you. Though, he does have the habit of being mostly big spoon since he wants to protect you and keep you safe.

- His love language would definitely be quality time, especially with how long he has to be gone for sometimes. When he comes back after whatever duties he had, all he wants to do is spend some time with you doing whatever. Could be something as little as just sitting and holding each other in silence, or something more like going shopping or on a date. Though, his favorite thing to do would probably be being able to snuggle up with the person he cares the most about and rest without having to worry.

- Love hugging his s/o from behind and resting his head on their back or shoulder, depending on his height.

- This man is all green flags, will absolutely pamper his s/o if they’re feeling under the weather and sooth them if they’re not feeling 100%.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes btw :3€

AAAAA GOD TIER HEADCANONS!!!! I love them all!!!!!!

Don't you worry, im crawling through Impel Down, dreading 482 and what comes after 🙃 Ace girl things™️

But AAAAA no SADS JUST KOBY

This man has abused golden retriever energy, like rescued and bounced back and is the healthiest boy now.

He is a literal cinnamon roll!!!!!

God he'd cry over every animal he sees because its so cute. Like "S/O! Look!!!!! At them!!! Can we adopt them?!" Its so hard to say no

I loveeeeeeee the idea of him falling for a Pirate. Man is so upset about it too at first, like he is so in denial about it. Till a silly fanfic esq situation gets them alone and he can't deny the attraction, physical and emotional anymore?! Chefs kiss the drama!

I also love the idea for Trans masc Koby, that Garp is just like Luffy in his acceptance, like hes so confused as to why people would be upset that Koby identifies as a man. "You say you're a man so you're a man. " simple as that.

Also, forehead kisses on his scar!!!!!

Steal his bandana to tie up your own hair, the mans heart nearly stops and he clutches his chest.

Also i love the idea of his S/O trolling Alvida in subtle ways. As petty revenge on Koby's behalf. Like just any chance they get, they fuck with her. Steals her hat or something just goofy shit that you know would drive the unhinged woman mad.

Koby would 10/10 write little love poems in that notepad/ sketch book for his s/o or crush. Not that he'd be brave enough to share. He could be convinced. Lol

Hes a precious little Peony

[codexty]

Rook Headcannons: Family, life, etc.

Just cause I find him so funny

Edit: This got long! I wont apologize

You can pry the Bird Beastman Headcannon out of my cold dead hands.

I saw the idea that his siblings were named after chess peices, and I do love that but hear me out: Robin, Raven, Rook, Rosella, Ruff, Wren (hes the odd one)

Middle child energy- Rook may be a bit more extreme than his siblings, especially the older ones, but I feel like the whole family is on the same wavelength

The random mansions around the world with goverment approved portals? They are 100% black market associated. Probably animal trade or sell useful byproducts as potion ingredients. Scavengers, like the birds they are

Not ruling out some highly illegal/Immoral trades. But yeah.

Rook and each of his family may seem unassuming on their own, but when all of them are together? People can't get out of their way fast enough.

Uncanny Valley the whole lot of em. Give everyone goosebumps.

The Addams Family 100%

Probably also why you wouldn't hardly see them all together

Each sibling probably has/had a nanny and probably aren't too close with one another

Definitely "let kids roam" parents, as long as a kid showed up sometime, probably didn't care what they were up to

Rook 100% walked out of the house at 10yo with his bow and said he was off to hunt down a bear and parent Hunts were like "ok have fun! we'll taxidermy it when you get back"

One of the younger ones definitely does taxidermy

Rooks older sister knows every natural poison and even which ones can potentially be poisons when mixed with common household items!

Rook has been stabbed/trapped/poisoned by his siblings before

Hunt Parents are very much like morticia and gomez but worse parents in that they are less involved

Probably Not a lot of physical affection in the house

Dunno why, Rook just seems a bit touch starved

Probably also didn't hear much praise as a kid.

As such; Love language to give is words of affection, to receive is physical touch

Rook prior to Pomefiore smelled like blood. Just slightly mettalic tinge clingling to him constantly

Beastman in Savannaclaw gave him a WIDE berth.

Currently, smells like nothing, he doesn't wear the perfumes or scented products vil reccomends, much to vils dismay

Love the idea that vil gave him strong scented perfumes as a way to "bell the cat". Vil is mad it didn't work and is slowly getting less subtle about it, trying more and more obvious ways. Including changing the laundry detergent in the dorm to a strong scented one.

Rook is aware and finds it funny

Vil may say he tolerates Rook, but I think they were both lonely kids in a big new school and rely on each other.

Vil and Rook will probably be longtime friends if not lifelong friends. Vil heavily values having someone beside him who is unafraid to give him true, valid, critique and Vil has shown how much he values Rooks input. Rook admires Vils tenacity more than anything and will probably never leave him willingly.

They definitely fight though. Rook is a bit too callous when Vil needs a little soft and Vil is a bit too cutting when Rook could use a gentle hand and they get hurt. Will always make up, even if neither of them are good at apologizing

Or maybe one day years from now someone takes it a bit too far (probably rook) and they go a few years without talking

I can't imagine Rook in a profession besides whatever it is his parents do. Black market deals and trade probably. If someone asks he'll just say he is in Business

Rook will be a Parton of the Arts his whole life. sponsoring artists, probably from backgrounds like Neige. Will definitely be a very sketchy backer. No one will know what he does, but hes always throwing money around and who ever he finds, they will probably be the next big thing.

[artzybumpkin]

Oh dear lord I remember that episode when Charlie punched him in the throat-

Is it awkward for Charlie to speak with Allan during his pregnancy?

Oh ABSOLUTELY at first!

I feel like they both are kinda gun shy when it comes to conversation, at least for a little while. They both attempt some form of clumsy "Hey, how are you's" that seem to fall flat before they scurry off, out of one another's sight.

Their little squabble already made things awkward between them, but for Ch/arlie the pregnancy amped that awkwardness up TENFOLD. He hadn't really been in close contact with someone in the family way in his life. If anything maybe distant relatives he'd only see once or twice a year at best. So for him, this was uncharted territory. Besides a brief "Congrats, man. Happy for you or whatever," there was not much more he'd mentioned on the subject.

This probably went on for several weeks tbh.

However, when he'd gotten word from P/im that "It's a girl!" something edged him on to approach his coworker. As expected, he found him at the breakroom table, checking the signatures on some paperwork.

"Hey, man."

"Hey...." He didn't look up from the pages he was glossing over. He'd checked the stack over a time or two already but had to be sure there were no mistakes. (If for no reason other than to keep his mind off his upset stomach) "You and P/im done with today's client already?"

"Yeah, uh, turns out all the guy needed was a quick pep talk and to quit drinking so much Red Bull. Dude was drinking like 14 minimum a day for the past half a decade, I don't know how he hasn't gone into cardiac arrest."

"Holy shit..."

"For real! I can't even imagine what that'd do to someone. Couldn't be me, dude, couldn't be me..."

The room was plunged back into silence, sans for sounds of paper rustling and pen scribbles.

Ch/arlie scratched the back of his neck, trying to find the right wording. ".... Sooooooo, uh.... Heard you found out what Al/lan junior's gonna be."

Now this made the red critter pause momentarily before continuing on with his business. "Yeah, yeah, a girl."

"Ah, cool, cool.... Er, 'bout how far along does that make you now?"

"Just under 14 weeks. The OB says everything seems normal." His hand subconsciously made it's way to the small bump of his belly as he recalled what was said at the clinic, "Growth rate and size are about what's to be expected, so that was good to hear."

At this point Ch/arlie's curiosity began to pique. He grabbed the chair closest to him and sat. "How big is she? Did they say??"

Al/lan looked his way, slightly surprised by the sudden engagement. "Yyyyeah, actually." He quickly pulled out his phone and pulled up the browser. "There's this fruit chart online that's supposed to be a direct comparison.... If I can find it...," he mumbled as he scrolled through several images. "I think the size of a lemon? Or a nectarine? Or an.... apple? I dunno, but she's about this big right now." He made a "C" shape with his free hand, trying to mimic the correct size.

The yellow critter's expression was full of intrigue as his eyes bounced from Al/lan's hand to his belly a couple times. "Damn, dude. That's actually really cool," he chuckled, "I can't tell if she's bigger than I thought she'd be or smaller."

A smirk crept it's way across Al/lan face as he playfully scoffed and rolled his eyes in amusement. "Yeah, well, imagine an apple sized water balloon sitting on top of your bladder. Big or small, you notice it."

Long story short, they end up having a good ol' heart to heart; Exchanging the appropriate apologies (For basically attacking each other, kicking each other's asses, amongst other things), acknowledging that they BOTH acted a fool under pressure of having near been involved in a tragedy (Which, let's be honest, valid aF. Who wouldn't be at each other's throats in that kind of situation??), and finally ending with a well needed reconciliation. The emphasis on FRIENDS is so back, baby✨

By the end of it Ch/arlie gives him a (GENTLE) clap on the back of the shoulder. "Proud for ya, brother! I mean that!"

Before long, Ch/arlie also gets into ��excited uncle” territory! Juuuuust a bit more chill than P/im’s level of excited of course but I digress lmao

[crisiscutie]

I dunno if this has been asked before, but can you make a prompt where darling shows possesiveness or jealousy?

I think this is much more suited during CC timeline. Sephiroth had to work in a lengthy project with another woman (Scarlet, maybe? I mean.. she's is kinda sexy, ya know... enough to make darling feels kinda insecure). Sephy hates Sacrlet, but darling doesn't know that. She misunderstood the situation and her jealousy gets the best of her. So she sabotage whatever project it is just to keep Sephiroth away from that other woman even if it could ruin Sephy's reputation. Basically darling has this small tendency of being a yandere herself.

Sephy's reaction?

Ok, I will make this into a scenario. I don't write yandere/yanderish darlings for future references. Jealous and Insecure darlings are fine but nothing more than that. This is an interesting situation, because I can also see Scarlet having a hidden disdain for Sephiroth as well. XD

To begin, Sephiroth is probably working with Scarlet to be a test subject to see how her mechas stack up against him. Sephy is known to be a dutiful and professional man, with a cool and aloof demeanor. He tends to keep conversations with those outside of his inner circle to a minimum. Especially with those who he hates. In that case, he would be terse and curt, and the disdain rolling off of him would be thick in the atmosphere. The mutual tension between him and Scarlet could be cut with a knife, but the darling hadn't been around them for long enough to detect it. For Scarlet herself, I'd imagine her patience was wearing thin with his cold attitude, feeling so thankful to be through with him after the necessary work is done.

Upon finding out the darling sabotaged his work project, Sephy would be pretty upset, though. Despite his inward loathing for Shinra, he is still a responsible and dutiful subject. It would be essential l for the darling to confront Sephy and sincerely express why she had tampered with his work. He honestly might be more upset when hearing the true reason. How could his beloved possibly think he had even the slightest attraction to Scarlet? He would express his hurt over what the darling had done, but would make it known that his love for her would never waver. Sephiroth is like a swan (my secondary animal motif for him). His beauty is entrancing, his grace is undeniable, and his devotion to his darling is everlasting.

Darling can mend their relationship by validating his feelings and expressing regret for her actions. And to make it up to him, she can make a hot, succulent lasagna and lavish her kitty boy with love.

[pllaceh0lderr]

Tim/Masky headcanons bc ✨hyperfixation✨

-------------------------------

Tim was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia and has DID/is a system. I say this bc (and correct me if I'm wrong bc I'm in the middle of rewatching Marble Hornets, so my memory of the latter half is still foggy-) the Operator sickness or whatever would've been considered the hallucinations + delusions by the doctors. But, seeing the Operator everywhere you go, teleporting randomly, having coughing fits and seizures in his presence, paranoia bc you fear he's watching you, all of those things were very much real and the paranoia was valid bc the Operator WAS watching him!!!! Like, Tim literally wasn't hallucinating or delusional (I mean, he could very much still experience hallucinations and delusions on top of everything else, but I'd still like to make my point that he isn't just 'seeing things' when he sees the Operator).

As well as this, him and Masky act like entirely different people and Tim has amnesia when Masky fronts (dunno bout the other way round bc we don't rlly hear Masky's thought processes BUT I'd assume a similar thing happens for him). Yeah, there are probably other conditions that could explain that, but to me, they're a system.

Masky is a nonhuman, nonverbal alter (dunno exactly what he is yet tho). Him and Tim barely communicate, if at all, and Tim doesn't get diagnosed with DID, or at least, realise he might have it, until after the events of Marble Hornets.

Masky wears a mask to feel less dysphoric cause he #doesnotlooklikeTim. Masky also isn't his name, it's just what's been given to him out of convenience (like a nickname). He doesn't hate it

Today, I was enlightened by she/her Masky, and I was already considering having them use they/it pronouns so uhh, he/she/they/it Masky win????

Tim uses a cane bc his leg DID NOT heal properly. He took too long to go to the hospital so it had already started healing by that point. Only way of fixing it was to break it again and go from there, and he'd rather not

Masky refuses to use the cane tho. Dunno why. Part of me feels like if it was up to them, they'd walk around on all fours 24/7 but it isn't rlly ideal in this body (Jay being chased by Masky on all fours is kinda funny tho). Anyways, he keeps abandoning the cane somewhere and Tim keeps having to get new ones. Eventually, Tim leaves a note on the cane saying 'DO NOT LOSE!!!' and Masky actually complies... Kinda. He still refuses to use it, but she begins leaving it in places she knows Tim'll find it (like in his car or at his doorstep). This is probably the first time they've successfully communicated (win👍👍👍)

Masky being a little shit but not necessarily evil>>>>>>>

Also Brian content as a treat! (Wooo!!!!!!)

'Brian lives' au where he definitely fucking dies, but comes back as a zombie

That's the whole idea, I have nothing else

If Brian begins acting more like his usual self again, then him and Tim are besties, while Masky (mostly) trusts Brian

Tim and Jay are gay bc I said so. Idk Masky's opinion on Jay yet (it's probably intrigued by him)

Masky FUCKING HATES!!!!! Alex!! He will NEVER forgive him for breaking his fucking leg cause that shit HURT!!!!!!

That's all I have ok bye!!!👋👋👋👋👋

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi… i’m sort of new to tumblr. I got into marauders a while back but have just sorta chilled on ao3 most of the time. I got tumblr recently and came across your microfics, and then your advice asks. And I need some. Advice. So erm, yeah, i’m just gonna explain and then maybe you’ll be able to help me? Thanks so much. This is gonna be slightly complicated, just to warn you. (Oh and insanely, INSANELY long. So sorry about that). 

So this thing happened recently. I’m a girl and one of my best friends is also a girl. We’re both 17, dunno if it’s relevant but, yeah. Recently, she admitted to having a crush on me. 

I’m straight. It wasn’t weird or anything. She’s been out to me as a lesbian for a few years, and so when she told me, it was more of a “get it off her chest” sort of thing.

I think I reacted alright. I just nodded and smiled (probably slightly weirdly, i was a bit shocked). She told me she wanted us to stay friends, but she wanted to put a little distance between us so she could get over it. Which is totally fair so I agreed and i’ve been trying to keep things sort of, on her terms. You know? 

Anyway, that was a while ago and a few months ago she got this girlfriend who’s like- super annoying. We don’t talk as much as we used to (we’re still close though) and I do miss how we used to be, but I get it. But her new girlfriend, watching them be together makes me want to throw up. 

And i’m not trying to be homophobic, i’m around quite a few of lgbtq+ relationships and even more single queer people, like half my friend group are queer and some of them dating, but these two are annoying as hell. 

She’s never really dated before? And it’s good. I know that. Duh. Cause maybe she’ll hang out with me more again. But like, i’m all for supporting girls, but her girlfriend is so annoying. 

And I can’t totally explain it… she just like really irritates me. But I don’t have like- a reason? She just hasn’t exactly done anything to make me hate her, except exist around me and my friend SO MUCH. 

It’s annoying. I get no alone time with her anymore. She always has to bring her girlfriend. 

And my town is like mostly cool with queer relationships. I mean not like accepting but like- won’t punch you. My parents are the same. They’re all “as long as it’s not my family or friends” do as you please. Which is a bit weird but whatever. 

So like, they’ve been on dates in our town and she even brought the girlfriend to MY house. And I can’t tell her I don’t like her girlfriend cause that’s rude but it’s like fucking torture every time I have to be around them. 

And she isn’t happier, by the way. She isn’t. I can tell, and she isn’t. But it feels selfish that I don’t want her to have a girlfriend cause now I don’t get to hang out with her one on one. And I guess it would mean her not having a crush on me anymore so we could hang out more except her girlfriends always there. 

We used to hug and touch and spend all our time together and now she’s all busy with her new girlfriend. 

And again, I swear i’m not homophobic. But I feel sort of homophobic when I watch them cause I really can’t even be around it much anymore. I leave whenever they start kissing cause I don’t need to see that. And according to one of my guy friends  it’s uncool that i’m okay with guys kissing and not girls? 

You can’t be homophobic in one direction that’s insane. And i’m not. I just, it bugs me. Is all. 

Anyway I got into this argument with her and she called me homophobic. I probably paused for a second, you know to process. Cause I understand that’s a valid fear for her in our town, but she knows that’s not true. Two of our friends are in queer relationships. And I find both of them sweet. And I don’t care if they’re kissing or whatever. 

Plus i’ve been totally supportive of her… up until now.

It’s just one of those things. Like yeah, girls are cute and sweet and i’d date a girl too if I wasn’t straight, but she doesn’t need to like- make out in front of me or anything. 

And when I opened up and told one of my best friends (who is also queer but I knew it wouldn’t make her uncomfortable cause she knows i’m not homophobic) and explained all this to her, she just laughed at me. Which was shockingly unhelpful even from her. 

Look tbh I don’t totally know what i’m asking you, just like, how do I be normal around them? I don’t want to lose her over this, and I certainly don’t want to be homophobic or anything. 

And it’s weird cause i’ve literally never felt any weirdness around lgbtq+ relationships (or people for that matter) before. Hell, I went with my friends to pride.  

And it’s never been a problem online either.

So I don’t know what’s causing this… 

So yeah, any advice? 😊

Also i’m rlly sorry this was so long and hectic and probably makes no sense. I just needed to talk to someone and you seem really lovely and I don’t know how to explain it to anyone. 

Oh and i’m pretty new to social media. i’ve never really liked it. And new to being in majority lgbtq+ spaces. So if this sort of thing might bother your tumblr buddies please ignore me, cause I really don’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. 

I just feel like i’ve exhausted my options in figuring this out, so might as well consult the internet. And i’m sure as hell not going to reddit. 

Anyway, thanks for reading my hectic insanity. Don’t worry if you have nothing to say. If I can’t figure out why i’m being weird then I don’t know why someone else could. I’ve been trying to be nice and just sort of ignore them when they kiss and stuff as of lately. But I still hate it. 

Hi!

Okay, so first of all, no need to apologize at all! I'm here to help :)

So, I think there are a few things you need to think about.

Could it just be that you're not used to being around affectionate queer people? How often are you around queer couples who are affectionate? Is it maybe something you need to adjust to so it doesn't feel so strange?

How are you feeling when you get upset about them making out? Turned off? Scared? Jealous? These are VERY different emotions and might give you a hint about the reason behind your feelings.

Could your feelings be because you don't like the girlfriend as a person, and nothing to do with the queerness of the relationship? Maybe she's just...not very fun to be around and that makes you feel negatively?

Alternatively, could it be because you miss your friend in a platonic way, and you just want to go back to how things are? And your feelings are manifesting in this way?

I'm going to VERY gently suggest one last option, and I want you to know that I'm not trying to push you to feel this way, it's just one possibility. All of the other options have equal possibility. But based off of some of the things you said, could it also be that you are a bit jealous of the girlfriend in a more romantic way? It certainly doesn't HAVE to be this reason, but it's something to think about.

I think you need to think about all of these questions and reflect on the basis for your feelings. No matter WHY you are feeling this way, it's clear that you care about your friend and you want to work this out, so I wouldn't call you homophobic. At most, I would say maybe you need to adjust to being around queer couples. Good for you for putting in the effort to ask about your feelings and educate yourself. You seem like a great friend <3 <3 <3

[withacapitalp]

Hehehe sappy New Years post today bc yesterday did not go the way I expected. It’s still the new year day!!!

But God I do not know how to explain 2022. 

My favorite word is dichotomy. For a lot of reasons, but also because I feel like it describes my life a lot. Because 2022 was the best and worst year of my life so far. I got to teach the most amazing group of children I have ever met, and did well enough that they’re personally asking me to come back and teach there, I wrote my thesis, worked three jobs, managed to graduate on time with a double major no one had ever attempted at my college, all the while interning and volunteering on the side and going to conferences to speak about my research. 

And the entire time- as I genuinely, honestly, loved every minute- I was spiraling inside. 

It was so bizarre to me, all of the bad stuff was over, everything should have been good. Only the most amazing things were coming my way, things most people dream about getting in their lives, and I was so upset I couldn’t breathe some days. In my criminally logical brain I couldn’t understand why I was fine through everything bad, but now that things were good I really wasn’t okay. 

That’s the thing. When you’ve lived in survival mode for fifteen of the twenty one years of your life, you don’t realize the crash that comes from finally escaping the thing that was trying to kill you. I’d spent so long just getting by, that I had no idea how to live now that I had the chance. I was trying, and doing pretty well, but it just felt so…broken for lack of a better term. 

But I kept with it. I loved when I could, and I healed whatever was possible to heal.

Which brings me to August, which brings me to Stranger Things, which brings me to one of the most amazing groups of people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Friends, Confidants, Creators, Inventors…Everything. Not only did I get a reinvigorated love for my writing, but I also got just the most lovely people in the whole world. At the risk of being too sappy, something that is more valuable to me than even my writing. People who slid into my life like they had always meant to be there, who understood me in ways I never expected to be understood. 

I don’t know how to explain the absolute insanity for me of jumping into a server, having them all be on talking so fast my head was spinning, mildly considering just running for the hills bc how was I going to fit into a group that was already working so well together??, then saying fuck it and just giving them me exactly as I was, only to find they actually really liked that person, and I found that I did too. 

Love is a weird concept for a lot of people, they think it has to be something deep and sacred. I just think it’s a gut instinct kind of pull, if it's deep, it's deep, if it isn't, it's still valid and true, and I haven’t met a person in this fandom who hasn’t had that same kind of pull for me. 

From the people I’ve talked to once, to the ones I talk to every day, to the ones I don’t talk to at all who just hang out in my notes and sometimes leave tags on their reblogs (Yes I see you! I know you all by name and I get excited when I see its you in my notifications). From the people who comment on all my stories, to the ones who I see every day on my daily drabbles….I dunno it’s just really interesting to feel valued and not immediately want to shy away from that. 

My New Years resolution as always is to be more in connection with people so! If you’ve ever had the urge to talk to me pls don’t hesitate to reach out. I generally dont bite, and I tend to be an okay person haha! 

Anyway my sappy post has gotten as sappy and indulgent as I should let it be. Suffice to say that messed up kid I was in January, the one who had no clue what was coming and was afraid to hope for better, well he was finally able to let down his guard a little, and look what the universe had planned! I hate to say it, because it feels like a jinx, but I think ’23 is gonna be our year :D I'm knocking on wood aggressively as I type this, so hopefully that's enough

Tagging my mutuals/people who always make me so happy to see bc hey we all are and if y’all are being mushy I will also get to be mushy. I am sorry if I didn’t tag you it is not a ‘I don’t care’ and more a ‘I got five hours of sleep after being at the hospital for literally the entire night’ Love you guys!!!! 

 @stevethehairington @henderdads @thefreakandthehair @strawberryspence @gothbat99 @steddieassheg0es @riality-check @hexmionegranger @reindeerrobin @rougenancy @eddieunbanished @bonitabreezy @horsegirleddiemunson @maxinemaxmayfield @ruthofrhythm @willowworkswithwords @h0n3y-dw @marshmellowpaint @silverysnake @lizisodd @thelastwalkingsoul @aringofsalt @babyboyargyle @flowercrowngods @manda-panda-monium 

[nazuna-tunnel-vision]

I saw your tags and I wanna say RitsuMao (I think that's the ship?) is the perfect ship for hanahaki in the way which you described.

Also, interestingly enough, I have written a hanahaki fic from the person who is on the receiving end of the crush, in a frustrated "why can't I return the feeling???" And not wanting to lose the friendship way.

So anyway I think that's a great angle to pursue and it's very big brain of you.

YESS thank you for the validation, this AU has been eating at my brains for a year but i'm just not very good at writing actual stories rather than just analysis so. it stayed in my brain.

yeah it is ritsumao and oh boy ritsumao with the flower actually removed would be a riot. they're childhood friends and so much of their identities are rooted in the relationship, so losing the relationship would destabilise the both of them so much.

to Make Things Worse ☺️✌️ in my AU, i made the surgery remove memories related to the person altogether rather than just feelings (although tbh it's also bc i never quite understood how you can "remove feelings" without fundamentally making the memory stop making sense. aren't memories a key way in which people make sense of the world and remember things?)

and this makes the story veer into exploring how one's memories and relationships with others kind of. makes you who you are. which a lot of hanahaki stories don't really explore.

that means ritsu just Forgets about mao and loses years worth of accumulated memories and self-narratives about how he became who he was. how did he manage rei's broken promise, who did he cling to? apart from chasing after rei, who made him want to 'enter the sunlight'? post-surgery ritsu would be a very different and a very confused person.

and considering how so much of their relationship was Just The Two Of Them (thanks ritsu), mao would have no one who shares so many of his memories. they'll probably find random trinkets all over their houses that either only mao or neither of them remembers the significance of. some matching keychains they got from an event. a pen with one of those plastic jewels that's the colour of mao's eyes, which ritsu used to like a lot but now just throws it away bc it's out of ink. maybe some random thing of mao's that ritsu stole when he was 6 because of some convoluted reasoning and jealousy, and which he never returned. and when they rediscover it mao is like "wtf i've been trying to find it for YEARS, why do you have this," and ritsu can only reply with "i dunno."

mao also can no longer use ritsu for the. to give himself self-esteem in his role as someone ritsu needs, or whatever codependent shit they have going on. he'll just have that pretty important aspect of the maintenance of his identity and self-image ripped from him because the flower is arophobic.

i just think ritsumao with the hanahaki surgery would just be rly tragic bc rtmo are the kind of friends who would want more than anything and who would do everything they can to ensure the other stays in their lives. or rather, they've been with each other for so long that they also don't actually need to bend over backwards to maintain their relationship. even when something does happen, i think they generally understand each other and value the other enough to resolve things sooner rather than later.

i think the both of them would choose not to have the hanahaki development in the first place if it meant that they could continue as they have always been. ritsu would never want to guilt trip mao with hanahaki (!! era at least, and not to make mao actually feel like shit for longer than a few hours at most). and mao would want to give ritsu what he wants as is usual but be unable to. so they're both absolutely miserable! falls face flat on ground.

anyway i can't believe i rambled this much but. after writing all that out i read that fic you wrote and. slams fist on wall and cries, you get it!!!!!! i don't know a thing about these two but oughhhhh. !!!!!!

(for anyone else who has somehow read to this point and who also has brainworms for Best Friend with Hanahaki, read it here before i spoil it below with my quoting)

the way Hak's first reaction is to do everything he can to solve things and his fear of losing 12 years of friendship. 12 years of memories. Their entire lives together. That was the price of getting it removed. while Soowon goes “But what if you find someone you have feelings for?” Soowon asked, “it’s not really fair for you to be bound to me this way.” and “Love” was too heavy a word to impose upon his friend

ohhhh my god. oh my god. It frustrated Hak, every time Soowon coughed up another flower and he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t make it stop. Why couldn’t he make it stop?

it's the mutual love and care for the other!!!! screaming.

and the way Soowon just slowly fades away and Hak's heart breaks watching it happen. The way Hak finally says "I love you" and the way Soowon says "I know" and yet it doesn't do a thing because the flower is stupid and only cares about romantic love.

euggg this dynamic of hanahaki is really so interesting and real. i'm so glad you brought up your fic bc i have been trying for so long to find a hanahaki story like this. i get that the hanahaki haver's POV of keeping the illness and their feelings is dramatic and heartwrenching and all, but at the end of the day it's more or less just a more dramatised version of their already existing pining. the perspective of the one being loved, and of two friends trying and failing to save their relationship, is so unexplored in comparison. like these stories would require some very healthy, open communication, and yet somehow that is still not enough and that otherwise perfect relationship gets destroyed

[transienturl]

I've been sort of thinking about, I dunno, what content Tumblr is fundamentally designed to host (mostly stemming from some casual conversation with my parents in which I made a long explanation of Tumblr as the halfway point between Twitter and "a traditional blog, you know, like on Wordpress" iirc. so yeah, same vibe as that podcast).

I originally joined this site as sort of an aesthetic blogger, because that's kinda what you did, I guess? Obviously now that's not the case, what with, you know, this entire blog being text. And that's...

(yikes, planning out a text post about an actual topic is a nightmare when writing on your phone. cannot recommend. anyway.)

The specific thing I'm thinking about is why I'm here now and why I don't feel like there's anywhere else on the internet that's appropriate for how my brain works. In no particular order, because mobile posting be like that:

The tone appropriate for a Tumblr post can be basically anything. I think I tend to use a pretty direct style that would be appropriate on Twitter but kind of weird on a standalone blog in most cases.

The length appropriate for a Tumblr post can be basically anything. Most of my written thoughts aren't blog post length really; I'm not trained as essentially an essayist or whatever. Some of them are tweet length but most of them would be an exercise in formatting to fit into a Twitter thread, and why bother?

The post frequency appropriate for original text content on Tumblr is... actually, I dunno. Does anyone else post like I do? I guess prokopetz is the closest I know of. But, anyway, it's obviously not the norm for Facebook or a blog and feels reasonably fine here.

There's some expectation of user interaction with those of like minded interests (although I feel like most people post kind of like they get more notes than they actually do; I feel like I do). To me, the UI suggesting user interaction with your posts may happen is exactly like the feeling I get when playing an MMO game; even if you have an actual interaction extremely infrequently, it makes the space feel alive and connected to the real world. I absolutely cannot make myself play single player RPGs because the concept of another human touching whatever I did in the game today only if I post about it on social media or something makes the whole thing feel fake. That's exactly how I feel about the idea of having a blog on my own domain and, you know, setting IFFTT to tweet links or whatever.

On the other hand, not getting interacted with still feels valid here. If I were posting this into a Discord channel right now, I would either be spamming someone and making them feel obligated to respond, or sitting alone in my own channel with no one to talk to.

There's the perfect, ambiguous amount of asynchronicity here (can't spell check that I guess). On Discord, only the recent messages feel alive; on a blog, everything feels like an archive. Here, I'll get a reply in 30 seconds or a day and a half, and your post history feels both current ("maybe someone is reading my blog!") and archival ("whatever, no one is gonna read my blog") entirely depending on what is convenient to feel at the time. I remember seeing an anecdote that David Karp was against visible timestamps in order to foster that ambiguity, and that feels like very much the space this site is so good at living in.

I have a couple of other potential points, but yeah, I guess I'm basically saying that I feel like this site lives in the middle of a lot of extremes, and I can easily imagine a lot of other platform variations that are only in the middle of some of them. Kind of feels like some of the stuff Matt was getting at in parts of that interview.

Final random points:

None of the things I said are really about the unique site culture. Obviously if we were being like scientists, I guess I would have to propose a theory that the unique site culture that exists here is here because of all of the ambiguity that's allowed by how the platform works (both in terms of this being the space people chose to place that culture in, and in terms of this space facilitating the creation of culture that wouldn't have existed otherwise). Realistically that's an oversimplification, obviously, and ignores the reverse effect: the people who use Tumblr and their desires shape the platform; developers and moderators take action based on what people want and what people will use and what people will riot over. If Tumblr is a cat... something something that metaphor about cats and foxes filling the same ecological niche. I dunno. Shit, I should have used carcin... uh, the crab thing. Whatever.

Yeah honestly realistically I'm personally not here because of any of that specifically; I'm here because Staff chose to export their CSS map for use in XKit when they did the big front end code transition and I learned to code based off of that, and if that gets me a bunch of mutuals who do web development and maybe a job, well, that's really what I got out of it all.

God I'm glad XKit wasn't for Twitter.

[carltonlassie]

Oops it got long lol

today, I was in a meeting with a dev team. This meeting was a space to demo all the work they've done and celebrate it, but each and every demo was met with silence. It wasn't as uncomfortable as it was when I was in their shoes — just presenting the things I've done with no reaction or validation or input on how to further proceed — but still uncomfortable enough that I had to say something to congratulate them for their hard work. I dunno. I was glad that I wasn't in their shoes anymore.

I've had so many doubts about whether I've made the right choice and whether I'm throwing away my hard earned senior title that others covet and celebrate. But I don't think I've lost anything. If anything, the previous job title rings hollow and meaningless for me. I don't miss the stress and the nonsense i had to deal with the other devs.

I realize it's been about a month+ since I transitioned to a whole new role at my work, and even though I'm in as many meetings and threads of tasks to take care of, I feel so much better. People are more people and I find myself lingering and talking to them and genuinely enjoying the interaction (turns out im not much of a misanthrope as i thought i was). There's a lot of obligations but I still feel seen and heard and appreciated for just even showing up. I don't feel like a cog in the machine and I get to have my own ideas and opinions instead of being shot down. The discussions aren't thinly veiled dick measuring contests. It's so refreshing.

People say the whole women in stem thing but being an engineer no way gives you the influence. It might give u the financial stability, but I find that a lot more of the discussions about roadmaps and the direction of the work we're doing is happening in the circles of people I'm working with currently. It doesn't even feel pompous to talk about vision and roadmaps or whatever (which i used to think was a giant corporate nonsense talk bc I was down in the trenches) and I actually feel engrossed in the details and problems a lot more. I'm solving bigger things than figuring out how to fix some python script not running on time.

And one thing I learned I enjoy a lot about UI/UX is that it's all about emotions. Animations and loading indicators help users through worries of things being stuck. Illustrations help the alleviate negative emotions when a search comes up empty. A well designed UI that lets the user go through the task at hand without thinking about why it doesn't work... brings joy (= woo! task is done!). My moon in 10th is thriving lmao

[weabooweedwitch]

Girl do you love him or do you love the approval he gives you? Do you love him as a person for who he is, or is he the first guy to show you attention and you think he's the only guy who will ever be interested in you? Sorry if that's blunt but there's a key difference and you have to be careful with this stuff because you don't want your vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. The speed at which you've gone from 'I like him he's a nice friend' to 'I love him' is a little concerning. Go slow!!! Figure out if he's actually worth your time, be on the lookout for red flags and don't gloss over them or ignore them just to keep the relationship. Figure out if you actually like *him* separate from his approval and validation, ask yourself which qualities he has that you like/find attractive. Any rando in the world could give you those 2 things, they have nothing to do with him as a person. And don't get attached too quickly, you need to be emotionally able to back out if he's showing major 🚩🚩🚩 at any point!

(source: dated a "nice guy" for those exact 2 reasons confusing it for love, 'fell in love' fast and basically ruined the life I had because he turned out to be a cheating abuser)

(I know I've been making a lot of long ass posts and answers lately, my bad :c, I actually was trying to reply to this during my shift and then was so bushed after I got home I fell asleep)

No you're totally right dont get me wrong, very valid concerns, and I think about this constantly because I don't want to fuck up and say something to him and turn around and not mean it or whatever, or like torally ruin our friendship and creep him out and chase him away. Idk. I guess I just think of our relationship and it's always been kind of weird but good in that online friend way?

So we met and began talking around 8, 9, 10 years ago and you know we were a little flirty back then but you know, nothing serious, we were mostly just buds talking about video games and such. And we just... our friendship back then is so similar to how it is now? Like I stopped talking to him before I turned 18 (for this exact same reason actually: catching feelings and feeling like I'm putting him in a weird position) and he sought me out this year all the time later sometime in August or November, like he literally scoured facebook for me, me specifically to reconnect because he lost people during the pandemic and had a few bouts of depression and was seeking lost connections and like. Talking to him feels exactly the same. Exactly the same. He often messages me first, to send memes or jokes or start talking about a topic, like we were talking basically every day, and since we reconnected it's been exactly the same? 🥺

But I also recognize like. There was about an 8 or so year gap in our communication so I guess we have only technically known each other for like 2 or 3ish years? But 🥺 it still feels the same. I still like talking to him. We agree on a lot of things and when we don't he is always respectful, he isn't one of those guys who starts shitting on you and demeaning you. And he doesn't enable me either! He's supportive of my mental health struggles and that I'm trying but he also pointed a lot of stuff out to me when I was spending time with him, like telling me I smoke way too much (his exact phrasing was "herb addled") and said I need to cut down for my health 🥺 and like lmao we got stoned and took a 3am walk to the 7/11 and he kind of, lol, stopped me from getting way too much food just because I had munchies, and also was trying to save me money because, you know, gas station food isn't always cheap

I dunno, he. Inspires me to be a better person. But I also recognize that even if we get along really well and have known each other for some time that I don't actually know a lot about him personally. Like I keep forgetting how old he is, I didn't know he had siblings, I only recently started finding out like his music tastes and such, idk. I want to learn more about him and share moments and things with him 🥺

We also just have a lot of really good conversations. Like it's weird we've just been able to talk so easily and so often without even knowing each other super personally which is the step that's coming now I guess?

I guess if I were to start listing things off about him that I like... He's very honest. I never have to be afraid he's secretly thinking something different; he's an open communicator, albeit a little blunt at times but he jokingly often refers to that as 'a side effect of the 'tism' but it's helpful you know? He doesn't mince words? Like he told me straight up that I tend to ramble sometimes because I'm insecure of the silence and that's totally correct. He encourages me to get away from my mom and kind of just my family in general, encourages me to be more of my own person. Like there have been so many many MANY conversations over the years and recently too where I'm just kind of venting to him and he gives me not just support but feedback, it's not just all "wow that sucks sorry to hear" but also "that's tough but it is a challenge you can overcome". There are so many times where I don't trust my own judgment and he's gone "no you didn't deserve that, that was really shitty, you didn't do anything wrong"

He's so smart 🥰 he's one of those guys that you go to tell him about something and he already knows, and also probably knows more than you do. He's getting a degree in botany or horticulture of some kind (his grades are so good too, he's shown me his like report card whatever, I'm so proud) and he's very avid and passionate about the environment and like, "being the change you want to see in the world". Like I loved going to his house and seeing all his gorgeous plants which he takes care of so meticulously and he knows all their scientific names and stuff. He grows succulents, man. Bitches love succulents

He's good at figuring out what he wants and working towards that goal. Hes good at regulating and setting boundaries on things that might be detrimental, like after I came back from the visit, he let me know that he was going to start turning his phone off at certain hours because of school now that jos break was over, he usually let's me know when he's going to bed so I'm not hanging on for a reply or anything. He's actually trying to distance from certain forms of like social media and online content because he thinks there's way too much stuff that's frivolous now and like, that can sometimes sound vaguely douchey but I actually totally agree? Like the amount of time I spend on my phone is insane and I know I'm wasting so much time on bullshit and I wish I could take control like he can

So uh, the uh, the night we had sex, right. I was going to use a rideshare service and no one was available and it was like 3am. And I was sitting there and he was saying "no I'm not going to let you try and walk out there at night it's not safe" and being caring like that and i just started crying and he started to hold me, like I was sitting in the couch and he was standing and he just hunched down to hold me because that was what I needed. I started apologizing, that I always felt like he's having to take care of me, that I hate being such a burden, and he soothed all those worries and just, kept holding me. He actually sat down on the couch next to me so he could hold me for a while as I just sobbed, squeezing me really tight, rocking me back and forth until I calmed down, which I eventually did, and it kind of came to the topic of where to sleep, and he says something like "it would be a lot easier to hold you if we were both lying down" which, was kind of going to be implied anyways. I kind of knew going up there we were probably going to get physical haha. But he wasn't bringing it up in a crazy way, you know? And when he was going into his bedroom and I kind of hesitated because I was nervous, he kind of, gave me this pause and this look like he was asking if I was coming but it was ok if I didn't, you know? He made sure I was OK, and I was. And we just lied in his bed cuddling as I sniffled and we just started talking about all sorts of stuff and, yeah

I mean. The sex itself was. Like. It's. Not to be cheesy but it was genuinely how I always wanted my first time to be, although this was my second time and the first was so icky we ain't gonna talk about it lmao. Perfect communication, asking how i felt, if I had any feedback, was there anything specific I wanted to do WHICH HE DID BTW fjfjgngjg. Like I felt SO comfortable and safe. I even got a little bold with him in ways that literally light my face on fire but it was because I trusted him so much. Like literally there was a point where he said I could do whatever I wanted to him and you know what I did? I started massaging his hand and arm where his injury is, I had him lay on his tummy so I could massage his back, because I wanted him to feel better, like ever since I hears he was injured I was wanting to try and help him like that 🥺

There were points where we were just, cuddling naked, just peaceful, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. I was the little spoon AND the big spoon and he'd be resting his head on my chest or tummy and I'd just be running my fingers through his hair and he also makes these little groaning noises when something feels good so it's like he purrs a little bit 🥰 and I mean. There was definitely some spice too but idk how comfortable you guys are in hearing those parts. Like for example there were a few times I kept accidentally bringing up my mom or rambling to be anxious and he would just silence me with a kiss because he knew I was anxious and shit. Or uh. Haha. He was kind of a biter so at some point he's trying to get an answer out of what something I would like to try was and I was being too shy so he just starts BITING ME like not hard but in a "ooo stop don't do that omg 🥰" kind of way until I came out and said it (and he did do it, quite enthusiastically too 🥵)

We talked a lot about my relationship with my mom and one of his biggest pieces of advice was something like "your mom is shitty for sure but the way you are holding on to your anger is making things worse. You're getting bent out of shape over very small things at this point and you're only stressing yourself out, you need to let some of that rage go and move on". He's actually been studying aspects of Buddhism and tries to incorporate some of those aspects into his life which o also really like, he also burned incense in his room which had a nice smell 🥰

I. I dont know. Like I fully recognize I need to spend more time with him and get to know him more before I make any significant decisions but. My heart is such a mess. Even if it's unhealthy or weird I know I feel. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's because I'm a freak. Nothing has to be said or done now. I just want to see him. Spend time with him. Support him. Recently he had an incident with a girl he liked and was talking to and spending time with and he invited her to spend time with him and she suddenly said "you make me uncomfortable" and gave him a really bad depressive episode? And he said during our visit, "yeah I'm gonna keep trying but next time it falls through I'm giving up on dating apps" and like. Last night I was thinking... if it's making him feel so depressed and alone... I would completely humiliate myself just to soothe him. I'd tell him I love him and how much he means to me and say "even if you don't want me, even if I'll never be that person for you, I want you to know you're capable of making people feel this way and you're worthy of love and even if it isn't me I know you'll find someone someday because youre smart and caring and responsible and wonderful"

And I mean... that's love isn't it? 🥺