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so last night val and i talked a bit about moving in together. it was both good and a little messy. initially we talked about getting a house somewhere in between la and oakland just to kind of split the difference and not have someone uproot to another place, but as we talked she realized that she couldn't really leave la quite yet bc she had some commitments still.

it kind of threw me off a little, just bc she was the one to bring it up initially and ask where we would want to be. i wasn't upset really, like, i don't really think i want to live in la. ive spent a lot of time in la bc i wanna see val and my other friends here, but it just doesn't feel like the place for me. i felt bad though bc she definitely recognized my vibe changing big and i don't want her to think im upset with her over it. she has her life and a lot of things outside of me. i didn't expect her to just be able to pick up and leave.

val's so sweet too that she immediately was trying to come up with a timeline for leaving la and i don't wanna push that. it just seemed unrealistic to know that it'd just be a year for us in la when it's really difficult to know that for a fact. and shay would be upset with her for leaving and as much as val said she'd get over it eventually, i don't want it to be that kind of thing. they deserve time to talk it over and figure it out. plus, half of the reason she couldn't leave la is helping some friends open a tattoo shop and it's probably going to take longer than that to be effectively helpful.

it was exciting to talk about and maybe one day we'll get a house together somewhere in between the cities on the coast, but i just don't know how soon it will be. and i don't really know how i feel about living in la for real for a year or two or three, whatever it ends up being. i told her i needed some time to think about it and sort myself out. i guess i am still a little disappointed. it felt like we were making a fun and exciting relationship decision between just us and then reality is a lot of other people are involved. and not just for her. for me too.

i guess it's kind of always like that for people though. the fantasy is that you get to make this exciting decision and only think about the two of you and no one else, but then reality comes through and you realize the decisions you make involve more other people than you initially thought.

we'll figure it out at some point. even if that means i'll have to just deal with my shit and move to la for a little while. it's not the dream but it's a stop on the way.

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i feel pretty good and honestly, maybe if something new came up id have some hostility but at least for now it's gone

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venting and a little space from it did me some good i think. i don't know that the feeling is truly going to just evaporate, but baby steps

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i dunno. i trust val. it's not that i don't and i appreciate she's evaluating the ways she might be welcoming to other people's feelings for her growing beyond platonic. like, i don't think she's doing anything but i understand where she wants to consider it and look into it, but i just kind of feel disrespected and gross about it all. maybe im being a baby im completely open to that. and i know i always judge other people's actions from the way i would do it if i was in there situation and i just don't know what is actually going through other people's heads. just bc i wouldn't do something in a certain way doesn't mean they're doing it with different intentions. i just ugh

"i wish i could love you without being afraid to... because that love is deep and im not sure i understand it sometimes" just... i don't think i could say something like that to a friend in a relationship just like that "i want to love you with everything in me..... but i don't want to upset everyone else around us and you're the only other person who's made me feel that way and i don't know what it is"

there's no like, hey im feeling this way and i'm working on it or i need to get some space bc i know you're not in that place or anything like that. it's i have these feelings and i don't know what to do so im going to lay them on you to figure out. it just bugs me. it feels like a soft ask. a way to check in like hey, just in case you're feeling the same reach out and tell me and we'll get out of our relationships to try it out.

and honestly, the fact that she's in a relationship too just ugh. its not my place and obviously, it wouldn't serve me to get mixed up in that, but id feel really fucked up about my girlfriend saying that to someone while she's with me. like, i feel bad for her. does she know? does she feel like i would feel? bc shit, id be like why am i even here if you're having these intense feelings for a friend am i just a distraction for you? a backup?

i dunno, val said she's sure bonnie didn't mean any of those things and she just wanted to talk it out and she was upset. i just feel like, again, if it were me, i would've picked another person to talk that through with. not the person i was having feelings for unless i was hoping they'd be like wow actually, let me ditch my man and be with you i was waiting for this.

it's kind of hard to talk to val about it bc i do trust her and i don't think she'd do anything. im just hurt by it. and though she does defend bonnie a bit, it's not like intensely and it's definitely in ways meant to make me feel better not to make me think better of bonnie, but it's frustrating. i don't want or expect her to trash bonnie, but i do think she did something kind of messed up. and maybe im an asshole for thinking that. i'm entirely willing to accept that im being a possessive asshole and self involved bc it doesn't actually have anything to do with me. she didn't say it bc she hates me or something, or well i assume not, but i dunno.

like, val mentioned that she was certain bonnie didn't want to make me uncomfortable bc that's why she felt so weird about using val's pic as her header. and i mean, fair if she knew she had these kind of feelings for val and i was under the assumption she just wanted a header of someone she loved and cared about and maybe a little to like get in her ex's head or something. i thought it was just a little petty and whatever, im fine with that. and bonnie got rid of it bc she felt weird about it and like it'd bother me even though i said it's okay. so i dunno, maybe she knew since then. and yeah, in that case im glad she took it down. i just don't think she's really thinking about me in this situation. and tbh i wouldn't expect her to be prioritizing me specifically bc we're not really friends like that, she knows me but she mostly knows me as val's boyfriend, not like, me parker the person.

i talked to troye about it when val first mentioned it to me. and he said he would've been upset about it too. i didn't tell him who it was or anything, bc really, im not trying to trash bonnie or tear her down, but i really needed someone to bounce shit off of and he's very honest with me about shit. he said he might've gone off on the person tbh and yeah, maybe there is a small part of me that wishes i could be like hey this isn't cool or whatever, but honestly i really don't want to talk to her about it. i don't wanna hear any apologies or excuses or anything about it. i just want it to stop. i just want her to clock hey this is something i need to handle and just handle it. if she needs to take the space for it, she should do it herself and not leave it to val.

that's a whole other part that pisses me of too. val feels guilty about it and initially even guilty about bringing it up to me. but i told her, like, i would've been upset if i found out later and not when it happened. it being hidden and quiet would make me really, really uncomfortable. like, maybe she welcomed some moments that weren't necessarily full appropriate in a platonic friendship with bonnie, i genuinely have no idea and i really don't wanna question her on it. i know she's sorting that in her head and that's fine. but she said she felt like it was her fault these kinds of things were happening and i dunno.

i really love her and i trust her and i value these qualities that make people feel that way about her. i love that she's warm, nurturing, caring, sweet, loving, and affectionate with her friends. i think those are incredible qualities and id never want to deprive people of knowing her and enjoying her friendship, but i don't like it being taken in another way. i told her im used to dealing with people being physically and sexually attracted to past partners, those were the ways they made a living even. but that was a distant appreciation and this like romantic/affectionate attraction from people that are up close and know her is really something entirely new and makes me uncomfortable.

it's a terrible feeling understanding how someone could feel that way bc i feel that way about her. i never ever wanted to be the possessive or jealous boyfriend. i hate that. i don't want anyone to feel controlled by me. it really stirs up something in me i don't like but i also don't know that it's a wrong or bad instinct either.

it just sucks. i feel kind of lonely right now and im not at all alone. i'm gonna see val in a few days and i know seeing her will make a difference and make me feel better.

i was supposed to be chill and laid back and i hate that i don't feel that way. for an entire second i thought i was going to lose her today and not bc of what happened, but my reaction to it and the way i just couldn't stop talking about it and the parts that bugged me. she takes it on and i just... im just glad that we're okay.

i don't know who i wanna be about it all right now. just better. and i can never find the right kind of better.

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jfc who else is in love with my girlfriend

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UGHHHHHH

that is all

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abstemiousness - the practice of moderation and restraint, especially in eating and drinking. temperance, abstinent

quotidian - of or occurring every day; daily.

wadmiltilt - a waterproof wool tarpaulin that retains the natural oils of the sheep

absquatulate - leave abruptly

opsimath - a person who begins to learn or study only late in life

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as per now it's been awhile and im really out of practice of updating. i'll keep it relatively simple though. i met val's mom and i think it went well... she said it did. it felt like it was good to me and it was a bit of a relief. i don't know. as much as val told me not to worry and that shit would be cool and she knew her mom would like my bc they'd already talked about me a bit, i was still nervous about it going well. my spanish is definitely far from strong and i dunno i just need to make a good impression or else it fucks with me tbh.

it's funny bc ive also told her that i have talked to my mom about her a lot. and honestly, i tell my mom pretty much everything that's going on in my life so it would've been weird if she didn't know about her, but im so sure that's there's literally nothing that val would need to do to impress my mom or really any of my family. im sure she probably feels the same and still wants something to hold on to to make sure she does it right. maybe i need to come up with some little things that would make my mom feel good just so she feels like she has something to work with.

i had watched a few yt videos with this woman who gives advice for dating spanish speaking latin american people and the traditions and expectations and just some nice phrases in spanish to work into things and it made me feel a bit better. i knew what to call her mom and kind of having that step of checking in about it i think gave val the reminder to let me know what her mom would prefer and all that. it does do a decent amount when it comes to relieving a little anxiety bc it can be an action to take. like, you're not just like oh well im gonna fail and suck and that's just it bc there's a thing to work on even if it is kind of meaningless in the end. i don't think this was i do think it helped but still even if it didn't really change things at all i still felt better with it. plus she thought it was cute that i was watching it.

then i left for tour right after and fucking val slipped on some water or something at work and fucked up her knee. it really sucked and i hated that i could be around for her and help her out. it was nice that sabrina was there to sit with her in urgent care the next morning and all that. i mean, i could've, but it would've meant giving up seeing bastille with her bc there was no way for me to reasonably do both and i think i made the right choice. i know how much bastille means to her and i really wanted to experience the show with her. it was a really good time and she seemed happy. it was nice to sleep in her bed too one more time before im really gone gone for a bit. no coming back until well into december.

other than that tour has been good. whitney came which is cool. i think charlie might come out to visit at some point. val and sabrina are gonna come out for orlando to go to disney world for a bit and then i think they're gonna go see taylor after? i dunno. there's shit with sabrina i don't super wanna get into. like, there's so much thinking involved and i don't want to do it. i think i keep putting it off. maybe at some other point ill have a whole thing dedicated to sorting my brain out all around it, but im excited for them to come for disney. i also gave val some other options to visit, if she's interested. i know she's gotta work and all too. as it is i feel like im tkaing up so much of her time, particular the time when she can make the most money, but she doesn't seem to mind? i dunno. all is well.

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tienes una sonrisa muy bonita

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"they were the type of women who ought to need no one, and whom everyone wished to be around."

that's it

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"i think im depressed could you rub my back and remind me that you love me" thats what i need to say when she's awake so i can bring myself back to life

i hate that i need it but denying it won't help

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witnessing someone else struggle makes me wonder how far i could regress but positivity and effort is all i have to counter it

maybe sleep

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it's been a long time. i feel like im failing at something but i don't really know what it is. there's so much bullshit around me and people acting shitty and selfish and it really just fucks with me right now. and then other things, joking things, i take too seriously and just feel eh about the entire situation bc i know what im doing and that im ruining it but i just don't feel fun in the moment.

i hate being imperfect and i want her to love me but i feel so internally murky i wonder if its actually possible

im fucking up in slow motion but im trapped behind glass

being real and human is such a fucking drag i should be shinier

who even knows what i deserve i might've been fooling myself

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ps i love johnathan and im gonna take val to meet him every day until we leave

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76oz

somewhere sometime in the sky

it's been a long time. val and i said i love you and while, maybe it was a bit fast? im not sure. i've heard conflicting information. regardless, it feels so nice. i get that immediately after it's normal to be in this like heightened lovey dovey state for a minute and that part doesn't really last forever, but it's fun for while we have it. i'm not always the best at accepting compliments and that kind of appreciation piled on me, but it feels really nice coming from her. i believe most of it. maybe all of it. you know, it's hard to accept things sometimes, but im really enjoying the feeling of it all.

i have tour to leave for and im gonna miss the whole event thing, which kind of sucks, but it's nice that everyone will be out there too even if it's not exactly the same place. i know some of my friends will stop by and i hope maybe some others too. i was gonna wait to float that suggestion until it's closer to the date. and val will come and hang out for a bit after that. we can explore europe a little bit and it'll be really nice. i invited whitney to come out to work if she wanted, but i think she's probably not going to. i hope she's still going to come for the us tour but i guess i'll see.

there was a whole thing with max and her and the other day or well, max and her feelings about what he was doing. i'm not sure i'm totally on board with her current approach to things, but i guess it's not my business. i just don't want to see her lose control over her boundaries until they're practically non-existent. like, i hope im wrong. i really do, but addiction is shit to deal with and as much as im sure max doesn't want to cause anything bad for whitney, i'm just worried it'll happen anyway. it's really not in my control though. it's one of those things that i just have to try to remember to support people. i can't control how things are handled. it just feels like there's already been some deceit on his part and i don't want it to be seen as something that just rolls off her back. whatever.

this morning started with me going over to get whitney bc she was upset about everything and taking her to breakfast with me, val, and eric and for now it all to feel like what happened is cleaned up just seems weird. i just have to deal with not knowing what goes on between other people and accepting that the people i care about are adults who can make the best choices for themselves. it's just hard.

there are plenty of ways ive fucked up in my life and i don't want anyone to repeat them or suffer the consequences of them as a bystander either. i wish it was somehow possible to just like pass on the experience to someone else without them having to live through it themselves, but the reality of that would probably be some kind of fucked up black mirror shit i haven't even begun to imagine the consequences of. i dunno. i really hope that when ive spoken about it i don't seem like i hate max or think he's a terrible person or something. i just think he's capable of doing terrible things in the same way anyone can, especially with the kind of burden he's dealing with currently. maybe both he and whitney think i hate him. i don't.

having val around for it was helpful though. not just for the compassion and support for me, but just for the distraction too. even just writing this she was sharing something that she'd written about me.

like, it makes me feel like the grinch sometimes with my heart growing bigger and bigger bc it really does make me feel good and special. i feel like there's so many things i wanna do for myself and for my friends and it can be hard to figure out how to go about it right. and there are definitely times i can be down on myself about how ineffective certain things are or if im being too much or whatever else. it's just nice to have someone who is always looking to build me up bc as hard as i try not to, i'm always going to have a talent for tearing myself down

there's also a whole thing with sabrina... which i guess i won't get into yet bc she's said it's really just a joke just a bit. i'm not sure, but i think ive said more than enough.

lo que siento - cuco

love this - cosmo jarvis

something right (daytrotter session) - microwave

she made me a couple playlists if that's not obvious heh

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23oz

4:50pm - los angeles, ca

this weekend we're going to chicago to see sabrina and im pretty excited about it tbh. her show looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun and i think val is pretty stoked as well. honestly, i know sabrina is like every day that we talk we talk about it, so it'll be really nice to have fun. jacob is gonna be there too i think? i mean, i'm almost completely certain he will, but she asked if it was okay if he came too and we said yeah, it just hasn't been spoken about since then. to me that seems like a yeah, he'll be there but you never really know for sure.

the trip with val was a lot of fun i'm really excited for another one. then i have some shows in california this week before i actually have to leave for real. im excited and not at the same time. i dunno. it's gonna be a lot of fun and im excited about the bands we're touring with. i think i just have a bit of anxiety about it all. once im in it, i know it'll be a good time and i'll be happy. plus after halloween/the event i think val and maybe some other friends/people might stop by for a show or two. it'll be a good time. i just gotta get my head around it.

i helped eric move his shit to la and in with his sister. that was a pretty good time. you know, long drive and all that, but it was good to catch up on shit. plus it gave me an excuse to see val again before we go to chicago. there's just something special about sleeping in the room of the person you really like and care about, especially when they slip out for a second. i dunno, you just kind of look around and you're like yeah, im in with their stuff and i feel like this is where i should be. me and all of val's pillows.

i don't know how official it is, but rosalie floated the idea of me being a godfather to her kid. i pretty much agreed to it bc she wasn't looking to have the religious element attached, but we just kind of dropped it after that. i'm sure it'll come back up soon enough so we can confirm some shit. the only thing that feels kind of weird about it is that i know currently she doesn't have the best relationship with the baby's father and he's dating one of my closest friends and ive been meaning to make a better effort to speak to him and get to know him. i don't want either party to feel weird about that though. i know it's possible he may not be in his baby's life and i dunno if it's weird to be friendly with him and then godfather to his biological child that he doesn't see? i dunno. i'm kind of just trying to be empty headed about it bc it really has nothing to do with me in reality. i just don't want to make anyone feel weird or uncomfortable.

i kind of offhand i guess? maybe i was a bit more graceful about it, told val that i told sabrina i wouldn't be upset about them kissing this weekend. which really was just kind of a thing that sabrina teased about for awhile, more in the tone of stealing val away, but also in that i believe at least like, aesthetically they are both attracted to each other and i'm not really concerned there would be any repercussions from it happening and that brought up val asking if this was a specifically sabrina situation or if i didn't mind overall. which i didn't expect her to ask that and it threw me, actually made me a little nervous, but i told her i had initially just meant sabrina, but that i was open to talking beyond that if there was a need. in a very weak ass cards on the table kind of way, i was essentially like, it's not my intention to bring that in but if it was something that you felt would be helpful to you, especially with me potentially being gone for stretches, id never rule it out because she's the kind of person i want to keep around and being rigid about some small thing to the point of losing her would be a much bigger loss to me.

all that for her to say it's not something she needs or even wants, but it's nice that she has no issues bringing that kind of thing up and addressing potential issues straight on. it's really nice bc i do feel like she really listens and cares about how i feel about shit. it's nothing something she's just looking to like win and get her way on when shit comes up. i mean, i'm pretty certain we've more or less agreed on everything, or its felt that way for me. maybe there were some compromises with sex that have slipped my mind bc it didn't feel big enough to warrant being thought of in that way. but. it really feels like if we genuinely felt differently about something, she'd fully want to hear my side and not just enough to have solid rebuttal to get me to see her way as superior. it's really nice. i appreciate it a lot.

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61oz

8:42pm - birmingham, al

enjoying a fun little trip with val right now. it's funny shit's easy to the point it should almost be a little scary, but im just happy. we talk a lot about the past and what we used to be like and what we're still holding on to. it's really nice to feel this close to someone and still know there's so much shit to learn. she said she likes how soft i am at night and it just makes me feel really good what can i say. we went to joanne's today to buy glitter and shit to make signs for a show we're going to tomorrow and maybe something for sabrina too. i still gotta float that one by her and figure out how explicit we're allowed to get in support haha

i guess the other thing that's changed since i last updated is ive gotten the chance to talk to eric's sister more. she's honestly a lot of fun and great for venting about stupid reality show bullshit. i think i must've ranted so much at her about love is blind and the stupid bullshit going on with that show. i even told eric the next day when he caught up like fuck i was ranting to your sister about how much i think icks are bullshit and an excuse to get out of something bc there's no way you actually love someone and then are turned off enough by some little thing that forces you to see they're human and not some idealized fantasy to genuinely consider ending shit or at least cutting off affection for awhile. like grow the fuck up please. it's cool when it's all jokes but in reality like, i can't stand it.

im excited to see sabrina soon. she messaged me the other day saying i made a good call when it came to crushing on val and it was really sweet. i truly adore that girl and just want the best for her always. i was teasing her about trying to hit up a dude to hook her up with, which i mean im teasing, but if there's an opening im gonna talk to him and see if i can get him to come hang out in chicago with us. like... that's not crazy right? and who knows i might not even get the chance to try it, but if it lands in my lap i'm gonna do it. she deserves to be happy and i can't do much more but offer her a big hug when we get the chance to cross paths.

i definitely need to figure out how to make some time to see blair and some others before i go out to be on tour for a big stretch. like sure, i guess i could invite someone to come out but it's not that convenient. maybe after everyone's in france at the event, since i did tell val if she's going she should swing by to see me after it's all done. assuming she had the time and doesn't need to get back to work and i suppose that could work for others if they're not real busy, but i should try to see them in their area if i can rather than expect some extra work to get out to me. i might still float people stopping by after halloween if they're down when it's closer though. at least for anyone that wants to see me.

i dunno maybe it's the lack of sexual frustration but im feeling real happy and chill. less worries.

wolf like me - local h

oversized - basement

blush - mat kerekes