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61oz

9:46pm - los angeles

today i went to rosalie's baby shower which was really nice. she's having a little girl and everyone seemed like they were really excited about it. im happy i got to be there. it was genuinely cutting it really close bc tbh i was almost gonna leave after to go home, but i was fairly easily convinced to stick it out a bit longer.

i watched dinner in america at charlie's insistence and i have to admit it wasn't quite as bad as it felt like it was going to be. there was a lot of weird and wild shit. like she'd said to me, i wouldn't watch it again, but i really expected to find the entire thing fucked and it actually wasn't all that bad. i could see why she didn't just give up on it. and even if i don't love the thought of it, i actually could see where chatgpt saw some overlap with me and simon... only to a degree though. im not about all that shit no fucking way.

and blahblahblah anyway, i was convinced to stick around a little bit longer by valeria bc surprise surprise she does actually enjoy my company a bit and even finds me charming? even admitted to it.

i mean you'd have to be charmed to be proud of that little emoji masterpiece, but yeah. anyway. i'll be hanging out here and then home tomorrow to pack and get on a plane.

being a bit of a loser has some perks though can't completely shy away from looking like a little bit of a fool bc then you get nowhere

the nurse who loved me - failure

in on it - superheaven

hello euphoria - turnover

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53oz

8:57pm - joshua tree

this'll be quick bc i'm pretty distracted to be honest. i just don't wanna lose the habit by skipping on it completely. i tried to talk to charlie about what she'd want from japan, but i think she kind of just seemed happy that i wanted to get her anything at all and insisted i should pick it out and she'd be happy with whatever. eric more or less confirmed the same thoughts on her. it's nice and i know she'll be happy with anything bc i thought of her, but i really hope i manage to find something she'd actually enjoy not just have and hold on to bc it was a gift. good luck to me i guess haha

i had some more pretty deep talks with valeria last night about relationships and like future shit. it was honestly pretty interesting how supportive she was on some of my feelings on things. there have been multiple occasions where i kind of felt like it would be on me to compromise the biggest in a relationship bc if i was unwilling it would feel like taking something important away from the other person. and even having those kinds of feelings sometimes felt like i was hanging on to something immature and stupid. and i'll be honest at the root of some of those feelings there are insecurities and hurt feelings, but it was just kind of nice to have someone validate that it's not wrong to feel that way and it isn't actually taking something away from a person you love. i think ultimately, it still depends on the relationship and the two people as to what an actual compromise would be, but i dunno. i said it already, but it felt kind of validating and i felt a bit less like an asshole. i'm really hoping we can keep up with talk about this kind of shit once im not in la and im on tour and even when she's touring... i don't know if there's any specific tour she's headed on soon, but if she does. it's really a good spot in my day.

we also, earlier today rather than late last night spoke about some of the stories in the podcast i was listening too. one was about a doll that was connected to a ghost of a toddler where the woman who bought the doll threw it in the trash after encountering the ghost and just how awful it is to have thrown out that little girl ghost like that. particularly bc when she'd taken the doll home initially she had treated her with some motherly care it just ugh. it sucked to think about things from the little girl's perspective and i just had to vent about it. plus there was one where a little girl dreamt a premonition about the next day that saved her life, but it also had disappointing elements of her father kind of not showing enough concern/not believing her experiences. also required a decent amount of venting. it was nice to share though.

she did confirm last night that she does enjoy talking to me about as much as i do her, so that was good. made me feel better and like i wasn't being some fucking weirdo up her ass bothering her about dumb shit all the time.

eric and i talked a bit today about girls and shit. he kinda knows more or less where im at with things. obviously i don't get too into specifics on everything, but i think he knows and understands where im coming from. it's a weird situation with being busy and also wanting to really get to know people i dunno. it was nice to talk about it a little bit. and then, i think things are going fairly well between him and charlie. like there definitely seem to be moments one or both of them backs off a little bit maybe due to nerves maybe not, but it seems like they've been good at talking shit through and moving forward. i told him he's blown past me at this point. i haven't even kissed anyone for... well a decent amount of time. not even a ghost. i think im happy though.

tomorrow is rosalie's party and then i'll go home. i feel like im gonna want to fit in a lot of stuff tomorrow and as much as it feels like a bit of a goodbye i'm really not even gone that long. i think it's just the process of getting your shit together and getting out the door that makes it feel like it's going to be a long time, but it's nothing at all. could practically go unnoticed. heh i guess this wasn't quite as short as i was thinking itd be, but it always seems to go that way i think.

the one last thing is once im back from japan i need to figure out all my individual show dates and figure out what i wanna do about asking if anyone wants to come etc. and that'll probably help to sort out my head a bit. that and time.

my mind's really on s'mores now though and all the potential combinations.

you can't be missed if you never go away - cobra starship

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62oz

8:07pm - los angeles

i got to catch up with freya a bit today which was nice. it seems like she's been really busy so i was happy to talk to her a bit. it wasn't really about much specific though. i feel like that's been the theme for most of today. it was a lot of small talk with people and conversations that didn't last all that long. about the same with lena, but she spoke about maybe doing some face painting which i said id swing by for if she did it. spoke to glen and rosalie a bit too about her trigger finger acting up again, but more of the same just little things.

i had a bit more of talking with charlie. we joked a bit and i confirmed she didn't think i was a dick. it was good to confirm, though i did specify it wasn't entirely out of the question that at some point i might be. um we didn't really fuck around with ai today which was kind of a mistake i think. i had been enjoying doing that even if i felt like i was getting a bit of a beating from it.

eric and i honestly mostly gossiped today. good or bad i dunno. we also spoke a bit yesterday about how things were going for me in la. just like who ive been spending time with and stuff like that. ultimately shit about girls. nothing bad or anything, but just like where my head's at about stuff. which honestly, i told him yesterday more or less some of the stuff i've said here. i think im cautiously interested in someone and while not entirely sure there's a mutual feeling there, i'm kind of okay with that. i enjoy having crushes and being fascinated with people. it's both a good start to a friendship and something more without entirely crushing your spirit. i dont think even in the best and most receptive of circumstances i would go head first into anything right now when im going to be back and forth on tour and at shows. and the first being well out of the country. yeah. i dunno, it's the kind of thing i'll approach when im back home and my shows are more accessible. whether anyone wants to come hang out and that kind of thing is something to be seen.

my dinner last night was really good. the food was great and the conversation was great. between yesterday and today i think i've set valeria up with two new shows to explore. that said, she said she watched the beginning of the first episode of twin peaks and was fairly interested in it. it's a good sign. anyway, we spoke a bit about the podcast i was listening to, which was mostly bc i wanted someone to bounce the story off of.

the podcast is essentially true supernatural stories told by the people who have experienced them. this one was about a man who lived in an apartment that had a ghost and spent much of the beginning talking about how he didn't feel very threatened by the ghost and just had the feeling that someone was there with him when he was listening to music on the couch and that his cats would look off towards the corner and things like that. no big and when he decided to move out, that last night he felt weight on the bed beside him and the presence lean over and in the moment he was scared and hid, but after the fact felt like it was going to lean over to kiss his cheek goodbye. and after from his family, who lived close by years ago, he learned that a young girl had died in that apartment being murdered by a drunk coworker after a party. so he goes on with his life and later a coworker and him were bonding over a scary movie when the coworker tells a story of waking up being strangled in the middle of the night. and as it goes on the guy realizes it was the same apartment and the same ghost. and my immediate reaction to all that was that i would be so fucking bummed out of i was the guy the ghost tried to strangle rather than the one she wanted to kiss goodbye. and as he continued it seemed like the coworker was a bit of a drinker so that could've been the reason she had tried to strangle him, but yeah.

i do sometimes feel a tugging on my shoulder in the middle of the night when i sleep. not all the time, but occasionally. i'm not entirely sure what it means, but it does make me wonder sometimes about things ive messed up in my life and if on some level there's a call to make things better. i don't really know that i could. i want to say i don't even know that i would but that's not entirely true. it's more that i don't think it'd make a difference anyway. as much as ive tried to deal with everything that hurts, it's still the one thing i really don't want to embrace. i don't know that i will ever honestly. there's no telling that it's even related anyway. it could just be um i forget what it's called those jerks you can experience when you're falling asleep that makes it feel like you dropped or your muscles just make a sudden movement. could just be something a bit like that. not enough electrolytes or something too.

um anyway, like i said i did have a good night with valeria and we talked a bit about other lives and other life goals and things like that. it was possible, if im not reading into it too much, that there was a hint of a connection on something, but i dunno. like ive said before, i just kind of want to let things do what they do. it's fun to get excited and feel a moment, but i don't wanna be someone that hangs on tiny pieces of things that under harsher light really add up to nothing. it felt nice in the moment and i wanna appreciate that for what it is.

i think im both dreading and looking forward to leaving as it is right now. i'm enjoying the event and the marketplace and seeing what everyone has out to look through and just kind of thinking i guess. i never want to be someone who overstays his welcome and i feel like i might have done so if i didn't have somewhere to go. i'm thankful for that. im just having a really good time and i know thursday morning is just going to come way too quickly. i feel like i owe charlie a goodbye/thank you present much bigger than a well cooked grilled cheese sandwich. i have a little time to think it over still. and maybe it's better saved to be gotten in japan since she loves anime so much. maybe i'll bring an extra bag to grab shit for people... a lot of people have expressed a longing to be going as well

mrahc - title fight

dreamsickle - wombo

paces - feeble little horse

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45oz water

4:14pm - los angeles

today has been kind of slow tbh. not in a bad way though. i got to catch up a bit more with charlie and eric. i made plans or well, i guess i'll get to that bit later. since i wasn't going to dinner at charlie's i went shopping with them for the shit she'd need. honestly she's who encouraged me to come down in the first place and ive had a really good week plus in los angeles. better than usual actually. it's honestly not my favorite place in general, but i don't really feel like i have any complaints. i got my ass handed to me by ai again, but i guess that's just how shit goes. at least im not alone bc she did too.

the reason i can't go to dinner is bc i have other dinner plans. last night i went to see valeria at work again. it was kind of funny bc i offered to bring her some candy (sour patch watermelons) she was talking about doordashing and she kept insisting that she needed to pay for it and give me the tip she had planned on giving them. which turned into offering to pay for my drinks and me saying id just give her that money and more in tips. i guess she really has strict feelings about owing other people or something. regardless, even though i said i didn't think she owed me anything, we settled on dinner tonight as a compromise. i'm looking forward to it.

but anyway, uh it was fun. i did some karaoke. *nsync at her request and then doing bastille's laura palmer brought us around to talking about twin peaks, which she had never seen. and truly isn't even optimistic about enjoying, bc apparently she hasn't enjoyed much david lynch. she was gonna give it a try though, so even if it's pure complaints it'll be interesting to get her take. i dunno what it is, i do find most of valeria's views interesting, but even in general i just like hearing what people think about shit. like barring some offensive shit, even if i completely disagree and want to debate what they're getting out of it, it still keeps me completely occupied hearing another person's take on it.

yeah so that's how i had dinner plans for today. otherwise, i spoke a bit with blair again about lotr bc i was watching a minimal amount of rings of power just to do it. if i start it, i'll be more likely to continue and feel caught up for the new season. freya has been pretty busy so i haven't talked to her as much as i had the week prior. and im trying to make some direct plans with sabrina so i don't miss her before she's crazy busy. as much as i have a tour starting next weekend it's just for a little bit and hers is a whole ass thing. so hopefully i'll see her at the event and hang out a bit. i plan on coming to see her on tour too, but i know how that goes. it's all chaotic for me and i don't have nearly as much shit going when im on tour. i really doubt i understand the chaos of that level pop tour.

other than what's going on this week, and packing and cleaning up my place a bit, i think i'm ready for tour. ready to be pulled out of everything for a little bit and just immersed in work. especially in japan. i know i'll have a good time and i can kind of just enjoy everything around me and revisit places i love. i don't know there's an awful lot of love that i get out of visiting there. i'm positive it'll make me feel good regardless.

i watched something this week, i forget what, where one of the characters pretended to be an eels fan and it's just had them on the brain. also, i mentioned liking myself less when i was numb and it came together. and it's true. eric is keeping an eye on things too which is nice. probably not necessary, but i probably would've said that even when it was. so i'll accept the help and attention there.

falling apart - slow pulp

why do i cry - margo guryan

novocaine for the soul - eels

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stickers, holographic

ceramics

breakfast

embroidery

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62oz water

6:53pm - los angeles

i talked to valeria a lot today and she kind of inspired me to try to use this a bit more and maybe a little more productively? i'm not sure about all that, but it's worth a bit of a try.

i'm not sure i'm that concerned with tracking what i'm eating for meals or anything like that and unfortunately i'm a bit too late to be tracking my dreams. i know i had one last night though and one of my friends did something kind of weird in it. i remember waking up thinking i would text them about the thing they did, but i ended up going back to sleep and completely forgot about it. anyway, i don't even know that i'll be able to keep up with a daily thing, but at least the amount of water i drank so far in the day can be a tribute to the inspiration.

i watch uglies and it was bafflingly bad? strange? i don't know, but i did kind of find it amusing enough that i'm annoyed that it barely had an ending and i'm not so sure there's going to be a sequel to make up for that.

as i mentioned, i talked to valeria a fair amount of the day, she and i talked about tattoos and religion a bit. she really seems like a very centered and balanced person to the point it's pretty admirable. i honestly find her kind of fascinating. i'm not sure if i'm annoying to her or not, but i think ive at least been entertaining enough to warrant a small bit of attention.

i spoke with brina a bit too. she seemed upset and said as much, but didn't really get too into detail. i wanted to talk it out with her if she wanted, but i guess maybe she just didn't and that's why it ended up the way it did. i think she can be a bit hard on herself sometimes and i'm not sure why. i think once she's on tour and sees how all her work paid off, it'll be a bit better. i hope that's the case anyway.

and as is usual, i've spoken with charlie a lot. she's been a very good friend and always really entertaining to talk to. it was actually kind of crazy how chatgpt just knew shit about me. i'm sure that sounds stupid but i'm not a completely private figure, but it still kinda freaked me out.

like yeah, it's a stupid little which new girl character am i most like thing and i can even see where there's some overlap with schmidt even though i'm not completely certain it's in the things listed necessarily. i don't know it was just really weird to come to terms with the fact that i could be analyzed in this way by ai.

i really need to rewatch the first season of rings of power though. i think blair is going to start it soon and as soon as she starts talking to me about it i'm going to miss it immediately. plus i do wanna watch the second season and i barely even remember what happened in the first. well, i do, but i really like rewatching something right before watching the new stuff. it was kinda nice talking about it with someone who has a similar relationship to it. a lot of people are very critical of lotr related stuff wanting a perfect interpretation and perfect to them and what they think is right and i really have that childlike excitement that i can't believe there's more content i can watch and enjoy. i just really want to take it all in. i don't feel like that about everything. mostly lotr and community. it just unlocks a certain part of me that is happy it's happening regardless of its imperfections.

i tried to help a bit with rosalie's gender reveal/babyshower. i want it to be nice for her and i hope it's gonna be all that she wants. i still gotta work on trying to invite some more women because right now it's very man heavy. i don't know that she'd mind that. her friends are her friends that's just how it goes, but i'm sure they could offer support in more ways than i could at least. i can't really speak for anyone else.

i was kinda bummed i didn't do much friday the 13th stuff yesterday and was planning on fitting some in today, but all i did was listen to a kinda creepy podcast. it didn't scratch the itch really. maybe i'll try harder as the night goes on. if i don't make other plans.

de-luxe - lush

safe in your skin - title fight

goodbye - the sundays

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valeria, 3 min maybe i’ll share them with you one day

still waiting on the secrets

don't forget to ask valeria what she meant by

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parker task: moodboard

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don't forget to ask valeria what she meant by