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tienes una sonrisa muy bonita

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"they were the type of women who ought to need no one, and whom everyone wished to be around."

that's it

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"i think im depressed could you rub my back and remind me that you love me" thats what i need to say when she's awake so i can bring myself back to life

i hate that i need it but denying it won't help

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witnessing someone else struggle makes me wonder how far i could regress but positivity and effort is all i have to counter it

maybe sleep

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it's been a long time. i feel like im failing at something but i don't really know what it is. there's so much bullshit around me and people acting shitty and selfish and it really just fucks with me right now. and then other things, joking things, i take too seriously and just feel eh about the entire situation bc i know what im doing and that im ruining it but i just don't feel fun in the moment.

i hate being imperfect and i want her to love me but i feel so internally murky i wonder if its actually possible

im fucking up in slow motion but im trapped behind glass

being real and human is such a fucking drag i should be shinier

who even knows what i deserve i might've been fooling myself

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ps i love johnathan and im gonna take val to meet him every day until we leave

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76oz

somewhere sometime in the sky

it's been a long time. val and i said i love you and while, maybe it was a bit fast? im not sure. i've heard conflicting information. regardless, it feels so nice. i get that immediately after it's normal to be in this like heightened lovey dovey state for a minute and that part doesn't really last forever, but it's fun for while we have it. i'm not always the best at accepting compliments and that kind of appreciation piled on me, but it feels really nice coming from her. i believe most of it. maybe all of it. you know, it's hard to accept things sometimes, but im really enjoying the feeling of it all.

i have tour to leave for and im gonna miss the whole event thing, which kind of sucks, but it's nice that everyone will be out there too even if it's not exactly the same place. i know some of my friends will stop by and i hope maybe some others too. i was gonna wait to float that suggestion until it's closer to the date. and val will come and hang out for a bit after that. we can explore europe a little bit and it'll be really nice. i invited whitney to come out to work if she wanted, but i think she's probably not going to. i hope she's still going to come for the us tour but i guess i'll see.

there was a whole thing with max and her and the other day or well, max and her feelings about what he was doing. i'm not sure i'm totally on board with her current approach to things, but i guess it's not my business. i just don't want to see her lose control over her boundaries until they're practically non-existent. like, i hope im wrong. i really do, but addiction is shit to deal with and as much as im sure max doesn't want to cause anything bad for whitney, i'm just worried it'll happen anyway. it's really not in my control though. it's one of those things that i just have to try to remember to support people. i can't control how things are handled. it just feels like there's already been some deceit on his part and i don't want it to be seen as something that just rolls off her back. whatever.

this morning started with me going over to get whitney bc she was upset about everything and taking her to breakfast with me, val, and eric and for now it all to feel like what happened is cleaned up just seems weird. i just have to deal with not knowing what goes on between other people and accepting that the people i care about are adults who can make the best choices for themselves. it's just hard.

there are plenty of ways ive fucked up in my life and i don't want anyone to repeat them or suffer the consequences of them as a bystander either. i wish it was somehow possible to just like pass on the experience to someone else without them having to live through it themselves, but the reality of that would probably be some kind of fucked up black mirror shit i haven't even begun to imagine the consequences of. i dunno. i really hope that when ive spoken about it i don't seem like i hate max or think he's a terrible person or something. i just think he's capable of doing terrible things in the same way anyone can, especially with the kind of burden he's dealing with currently. maybe both he and whitney think i hate him. i don't.

having val around for it was helpful though. not just for the compassion and support for me, but just for the distraction too. even just writing this she was sharing something that she'd written about me.

like, it makes me feel like the grinch sometimes with my heart growing bigger and bigger bc it really does make me feel good and special. i feel like there's so many things i wanna do for myself and for my friends and it can be hard to figure out how to go about it right. and there are definitely times i can be down on myself about how ineffective certain things are or if im being too much or whatever else. it's just nice to have someone who is always looking to build me up bc as hard as i try not to, i'm always going to have a talent for tearing myself down

there's also a whole thing with sabrina... which i guess i won't get into yet bc she's said it's really just a joke just a bit. i'm not sure, but i think ive said more than enough.

lo que siento - cuco

love this - cosmo jarvis

something right (daytrotter session) - microwave

she made me a couple playlists if that's not obvious heh

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23oz

4:50pm - los angeles, ca

this weekend we're going to chicago to see sabrina and im pretty excited about it tbh. her show looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun and i think val is pretty stoked as well. honestly, i know sabrina is like every day that we talk we talk about it, so it'll be really nice to have fun. jacob is gonna be there too i think? i mean, i'm almost completely certain he will, but she asked if it was okay if he came too and we said yeah, it just hasn't been spoken about since then. to me that seems like a yeah, he'll be there but you never really know for sure.

the trip with val was a lot of fun i'm really excited for another one. then i have some shows in california this week before i actually have to leave for real. im excited and not at the same time. i dunno. it's gonna be a lot of fun and im excited about the bands we're touring with. i think i just have a bit of anxiety about it all. once im in it, i know it'll be a good time and i'll be happy. plus after halloween/the event i think val and maybe some other friends/people might stop by for a show or two. it'll be a good time. i just gotta get my head around it.

i helped eric move his shit to la and in with his sister. that was a pretty good time. you know, long drive and all that, but it was good to catch up on shit. plus it gave me an excuse to see val again before we go to chicago. there's just something special about sleeping in the room of the person you really like and care about, especially when they slip out for a second. i dunno, you just kind of look around and you're like yeah, im in with their stuff and i feel like this is where i should be. me and all of val's pillows.

i don't know how official it is, but rosalie floated the idea of me being a godfather to her kid. i pretty much agreed to it bc she wasn't looking to have the religious element attached, but we just kind of dropped it after that. i'm sure it'll come back up soon enough so we can confirm some shit. the only thing that feels kind of weird about it is that i know currently she doesn't have the best relationship with the baby's father and he's dating one of my closest friends and ive been meaning to make a better effort to speak to him and get to know him. i don't want either party to feel weird about that though. i know it's possible he may not be in his baby's life and i dunno if it's weird to be friendly with him and then godfather to his biological child that he doesn't see? i dunno. i'm kind of just trying to be empty headed about it bc it really has nothing to do with me in reality. i just don't want to make anyone feel weird or uncomfortable.

i kind of offhand i guess? maybe i was a bit more graceful about it, told val that i told sabrina i wouldn't be upset about them kissing this weekend. which really was just kind of a thing that sabrina teased about for awhile, more in the tone of stealing val away, but also in that i believe at least like, aesthetically they are both attracted to each other and i'm not really concerned there would be any repercussions from it happening and that brought up val asking if this was a specifically sabrina situation or if i didn't mind overall. which i didn't expect her to ask that and it threw me, actually made me a little nervous, but i told her i had initially just meant sabrina, but that i was open to talking beyond that if there was a need. in a very weak ass cards on the table kind of way, i was essentially like, it's not my intention to bring that in but if it was something that you felt would be helpful to you, especially with me potentially being gone for stretches, id never rule it out because she's the kind of person i want to keep around and being rigid about some small thing to the point of losing her would be a much bigger loss to me.

all that for her to say it's not something she needs or even wants, but it's nice that she has no issues bringing that kind of thing up and addressing potential issues straight on. it's really nice bc i do feel like she really listens and cares about how i feel about shit. it's nothing something she's just looking to like win and get her way on when shit comes up. i mean, i'm pretty certain we've more or less agreed on everything, or its felt that way for me. maybe there were some compromises with sex that have slipped my mind bc it didn't feel big enough to warrant being thought of in that way. but. it really feels like if we genuinely felt differently about something, she'd fully want to hear my side and not just enough to have solid rebuttal to get me to see her way as superior. it's really nice. i appreciate it a lot.

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61oz

8:42pm - birmingham, al

enjoying a fun little trip with val right now. it's funny shit's easy to the point it should almost be a little scary, but im just happy. we talk a lot about the past and what we used to be like and what we're still holding on to. it's really nice to feel this close to someone and still know there's so much shit to learn. she said she likes how soft i am at night and it just makes me feel really good what can i say. we went to joanne's today to buy glitter and shit to make signs for a show we're going to tomorrow and maybe something for sabrina too. i still gotta float that one by her and figure out how explicit we're allowed to get in support haha

i guess the other thing that's changed since i last updated is ive gotten the chance to talk to eric's sister more. she's honestly a lot of fun and great for venting about stupid reality show bullshit. i think i must've ranted so much at her about love is blind and the stupid bullshit going on with that show. i even told eric the next day when he caught up like fuck i was ranting to your sister about how much i think icks are bullshit and an excuse to get out of something bc there's no way you actually love someone and then are turned off enough by some little thing that forces you to see they're human and not some idealized fantasy to genuinely consider ending shit or at least cutting off affection for awhile. like grow the fuck up please. it's cool when it's all jokes but in reality like, i can't stand it.

im excited to see sabrina soon. she messaged me the other day saying i made a good call when it came to crushing on val and it was really sweet. i truly adore that girl and just want the best for her always. i was teasing her about trying to hit up a dude to hook her up with, which i mean im teasing, but if there's an opening im gonna talk to him and see if i can get him to come hang out in chicago with us. like... that's not crazy right? and who knows i might not even get the chance to try it, but if it lands in my lap i'm gonna do it. she deserves to be happy and i can't do much more but offer her a big hug when we get the chance to cross paths.

i definitely need to figure out how to make some time to see blair and some others before i go out to be on tour for a big stretch. like sure, i guess i could invite someone to come out but it's not that convenient. maybe after everyone's in france at the event, since i did tell val if she's going she should swing by to see me after it's all done. assuming she had the time and doesn't need to get back to work and i suppose that could work for others if they're not real busy, but i should try to see them in their area if i can rather than expect some extra work to get out to me. i might still float people stopping by after halloween if they're down when it's closer though. at least for anyone that wants to see me.

i dunno maybe it's the lack of sexual frustration but im feeling real happy and chill. less worries.

wolf like me - local h

oversized - basement

blush - mat kerekes

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32oz

5:34pm - oakland

daily has not been a thing apparently so i kinda suck at this, but i haven't given up yet. um im back home, obviously. i had a really great time in japan. it was really, really exhausting going back and forth, but it felt really great being there. it's one of my favorite places to be and it's really refreshing. well, it's exhausting but refreshing in its own way bc i really love going back over all of the stuff that ive seen in the past. it's like the kind of thing where you can evaluate where you were the last time i was here and all that kind of shit. i think each time i kind of progress. maybe there were a couple times when i might've been in a slightly better place the time before, but i think right now im doing pretty well. as much as i would've loved to stay a bit longer, it is nice being home. and i honestly don't have a ton of time at home anyway, so i gotta make the most of it.

val came to visit for a bit and we've already talked kind of a lot about shit. just like, where things are at with us and all that kind of stuff. there are plenty of times where i genuinely feel like im making a bit of a fool of myself or seeming like a nervous kid or something, but for whatever reason that all seems to work for her. i guess she really appreciates communication for things like fully out verbal communication, which isn't bad, but i know there are plenty of women who maybe wouldn't be so into talking about kissing and talking about sex before it happens in a like... very straightforward not teasing or sexy way. im always reminded on, well, i guess i can't remember who said it exactly and i think it was from a tv show so maybe not the best thing to work off of, but im just always reminded of someone saying the least sexy thing is someone asking to kiss you and so when that seemed to be a preferred method for her kiss-wise i figured it translated elsewhere, which it did, but i still kinda felt like a big fucking loser trying to bring it up.

it went well though, the conversation and all. i definitely learned a lot that kind of put me at ease with shit. like, times i wanted to hint at shit i got kind of shy bc i was unsure if it was felt on the other end and i guess i just feel like i got some reasoning for all that. otherwise shit's kind of been nice and relaxing. im happy being home. im kind of dreading tour in the way i can sometimes when it's going back and forth, but i know i'll be happy once im there and it's happening. it's just a matter of getting there.

anyway, i'll keep this on the short side with no songs bc i don't have a ton i wanna go through. maybe i'll add more later who knows.

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66oz

9:04am - yokohama

ive really really really gotten out of practice on this. i think being in japan has just kinda thrown me off my rhythm a bit. so let's seeeee.. ive done a lot of catching up with charlie today. plenty of things that she would murder me if i shared.... not bc they're bad and true just bc they're awful jokes. for that reason, i'll keep it closed but yeah. that was nice. shit's weird with my schedule right now and im loving japan of course no complaints but it's hard to fully catch up with everyone.

spoke with mateo a bit today too. mostly in passing, but still a little bit. which is nice bc it's been a minute since we really talked or joked or much of anything. probably since i was in la and at sunday night dinner so it was good. i probably need a bit of a kick in the ass to remind myself to bother him a bit more.

i also got to know shay a bit better. and land myself a pretty decent friendship rank. she was the only person who truly told me exactly what she wanted from japan. which reminds me i still gotta figure out something good for charlie. it just.. hasn't been easy. anyway, shay is chaotic and fun. i think ive made a decent enough impression that it won't tank my chances with val or anything. i'm not hated and that's the goal obv. or well, the goal is a bit more optimistic, but that's like the very bottom of the goal and if i at least accomplish that then id say im winning.

eric and i have had some semi? deep talks about girls and shit. nothing too crazy though. i think any issues he's had have been sorted out more or less over time. not really from any advice out of me, but it was really more venting than advice seeking kind of things. there's a lot of adjustment shit to be done when you start liking someone and seeing someone new. sorting it out takes a second or even awhile. i think he's good though... maybe i should check in

ive talked to some other people that are kinda new to me, but so far anyway nothing has super stuck. i guess i should probably check back in. it's a new day and all that i will. blair and i made some jokes and some plans that are kinda jokes though. enough to the point that i should probably take some time to figure out when we can chill for a minute before i get busy with more tour shit.

i think shit with val has been pretty cool for the most part. we've made plans for her to come visit when i get back and show her around oakland and maybe walnut creek a bit and just hang out and whatever. we're definitely at the point where there's a genuine shared interest in each other and all that but im not sure how far that's exactly going to go in one visit. i genuinely have no clue and it's exciting in a way. i kind of have the excitement of stuff without any direct expectations so it'll be interesting at least

the only thing i still kinda got in my head that im a little worried about is from well, charlie asked if my hypothetical girlfriend asked me to film something... i assume it was sexual but i genuinely can't remember the exact situation, but she asked if id do it. and i casually shared that my most recent ex is a stripper and the one prior which had been my longest relationship currently does porn and was essentially making her way into the business while we were together and it became a bit of a joke. whatever, that's not a big deal, but she just seemed really surprised. all joking about it making her see me different etc and it just made me a little worried if this was something i should be giving a heads up about. like, valeria is cool and i don't think she'd be like weird about that kind of thing, but people have varying feelings on that kinda stuff so i dunno. i don't want it to be some kind of surprise out of nowhere if it does matter, but it also feels really stupid to bring up to someone who is going to be like... okay and? charlie didn't think it would be a thing and i think she felt bad for her reaction, which isn't necessary honestly, but it just has me in my head a little bit. i dunno. i haven't said anything and i don't know that i will unless a situation calls for it, but it is running through the back of my head from time to time.

um otherwise shit is really nice though. we kinda got this thing going where we talk about what alternate reality us do and when and how we'd meet. id be a pro soccer player and she'd be a teacher somewhere in central america. we'd meet at a sandwich shop bc she wouldn't be at a coffee shop and well, im not sure we really got past that point, but it's nice. and i like telling her the stories and shit i hear from my podcast. mostly just the ones i think she'd be interested in, but it's nice that someone gives a shit at all. and i like hearing about all the shit she's doing day to day. tbh it's a nice grounding thing to be able to check in with her on what she's done and i tell her what ive done even if our timezones really don't line up at all. even if i have stupid little worries about bullshit, in general this shit is nice and it makes me happy. i always have something to smile about.

simple song - the shins

blinded bye - basement

stay in the room - fiddlehead

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i've been spending my journal time on my playlists tbh this is just my normal me one

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77oz

1:21pm - tokyo

today was kind of a blur of shit really. lots of flying and not a ton of great sleep and now im in tokyo to play a show in a little while. it's just kind of chaotic. i got to ride around in a train that looked like a cat though, and that makes for a pretty decent day either way.

the iffy sleep has me feeling a little grumpy though. i hope i can shake it off to manage a decent show for this festival. outside of this shit, i didn't really end up talking a ton to most people today. really just the same few.... charlie, valeria, eric ... a little rosalie and clover, which was nice bc i had never spoken to her before.

i think im just kind of wrapped up in enjoying that i wasn't completely alone in my feelings. i mean, you can always tell to some kind of degree that things are going back and forth pretty well and they're not utterly disinterested, but it's not uncommon to be way off base in your assumptions and it doesn't help that ive got my own insecure little thoughts to fight off. but yeah, i think there will always be bits and pieces of that no matter what even if they don't manifest themselves in romantic or relationship kinds of ways.

i don't want to get ahead of myself either haha. if this is anything, it would only be the beginning and while it's nice not to be entirely pessimistic, i'm not going to get my hopes way up either. whatever actually ends up happening will be for the best. it would just be nice if i could actually will it in a certain direction.

im not really feeling any of my daily mixes today. it's like i got punished for really enjoying one too much. so i had to kind of jump around on what i wanted to listen to

dance-off - turnstile

poem you - fiddlehead

halah - mazzy star

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55oz

10:21pm - oakland

actual short update.

one flight down one to go.

im all packed up.

i kissed a beautiful girl

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61oz

9:46pm - los angeles

today i went to rosalie's baby shower which was really nice. she's having a little girl and everyone seemed like they were really excited about it. im happy i got to be there. it was genuinely cutting it really close bc tbh i was almost gonna leave after to go home, but i was fairly easily convinced to stick it out a bit longer.

i watched dinner in america at charlie's insistence and i have to admit it wasn't quite as bad as it felt like it was going to be. there was a lot of weird and wild shit. like she'd said to me, i wouldn't watch it again, but i really expected to find the entire thing fucked and it actually wasn't all that bad. i could see why she didn't just give up on it. and even if i don't love the thought of it, i actually could see where chatgpt saw some overlap with me and simon... only to a degree though. im not about all that shit no fucking way.

and blahblahblah anyway, i was convinced to stick around a little bit longer by valeria bc surprise surprise she does actually enjoy my company a bit and even finds me charming? even admitted to it.

i mean you'd have to be charmed to be proud of that little emoji masterpiece, but yeah. anyway. i'll be hanging out here and then home tomorrow to pack and get on a plane.

being a bit of a loser has some perks though can't completely shy away from looking like a little bit of a fool bc then you get nowhere

the nurse who loved me - failure

in on it - superheaven

hello euphoria - turnover

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53oz

8:57pm - joshua tree

this'll be quick bc i'm pretty distracted to be honest. i just don't wanna lose the habit by skipping on it completely. i tried to talk to charlie about what she'd want from japan, but i think she kind of just seemed happy that i wanted to get her anything at all and insisted i should pick it out and she'd be happy with whatever. eric more or less confirmed the same thoughts on her. it's nice and i know she'll be happy with anything bc i thought of her, but i really hope i manage to find something she'd actually enjoy not just have and hold on to bc it was a gift. good luck to me i guess haha

i had some more pretty deep talks with valeria last night about relationships and like future shit. it was honestly pretty interesting how supportive she was on some of my feelings on things. there have been multiple occasions where i kind of felt like it would be on me to compromise the biggest in a relationship bc if i was unwilling it would feel like taking something important away from the other person. and even having those kinds of feelings sometimes felt like i was hanging on to something immature and stupid. and i'll be honest at the root of some of those feelings there are insecurities and hurt feelings, but it was just kind of nice to have someone validate that it's not wrong to feel that way and it isn't actually taking something away from a person you love. i think ultimately, it still depends on the relationship and the two people as to what an actual compromise would be, but i dunno. i said it already, but it felt kind of validating and i felt a bit less like an asshole. i'm really hoping we can keep up with talk about this kind of shit once im not in la and im on tour and even when she's touring... i don't know if there's any specific tour she's headed on soon, but if she does. it's really a good spot in my day.

we also, earlier today rather than late last night spoke about some of the stories in the podcast i was listening too. one was about a doll that was connected to a ghost of a toddler where the woman who bought the doll threw it in the trash after encountering the ghost and just how awful it is to have thrown out that little girl ghost like that. particularly bc when she'd taken the doll home initially she had treated her with some motherly care it just ugh. it sucked to think about things from the little girl's perspective and i just had to vent about it. plus there was one where a little girl dreamt a premonition about the next day that saved her life, but it also had disappointing elements of her father kind of not showing enough concern/not believing her experiences. also required a decent amount of venting. it was nice to share though.

she did confirm last night that she does enjoy talking to me about as much as i do her, so that was good. made me feel better and like i wasn't being some fucking weirdo up her ass bothering her about dumb shit all the time.

eric and i talked a bit today about girls and shit. he kinda knows more or less where im at with things. obviously i don't get too into specifics on everything, but i think he knows and understands where im coming from. it's a weird situation with being busy and also wanting to really get to know people i dunno. it was nice to talk about it a little bit. and then, i think things are going fairly well between him and charlie. like there definitely seem to be moments one or both of them backs off a little bit maybe due to nerves maybe not, but it seems like they've been good at talking shit through and moving forward. i told him he's blown past me at this point. i haven't even kissed anyone for... well a decent amount of time. not even a ghost. i think im happy though.

tomorrow is rosalie's party and then i'll go home. i feel like im gonna want to fit in a lot of stuff tomorrow and as much as it feels like a bit of a goodbye i'm really not even gone that long. i think it's just the process of getting your shit together and getting out the door that makes it feel like it's going to be a long time, but it's nothing at all. could practically go unnoticed. heh i guess this wasn't quite as short as i was thinking itd be, but it always seems to go that way i think.

the one last thing is once im back from japan i need to figure out all my individual show dates and figure out what i wanna do about asking if anyone wants to come etc. and that'll probably help to sort out my head a bit. that and time.

my mind's really on s'mores now though and all the potential combinations.

you can't be missed if you never go away - cobra starship

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62oz

8:07pm - los angeles

i got to catch up with freya a bit today which was nice. it seems like she's been really busy so i was happy to talk to her a bit. it wasn't really about much specific though. i feel like that's been the theme for most of today. it was a lot of small talk with people and conversations that didn't last all that long. about the same with lena, but she spoke about maybe doing some face painting which i said id swing by for if she did it. spoke to glen and rosalie a bit too about her trigger finger acting up again, but more of the same just little things.

i had a bit more of talking with charlie. we joked a bit and i confirmed she didn't think i was a dick. it was good to confirm, though i did specify it wasn't entirely out of the question that at some point i might be. um we didn't really fuck around with ai today which was kind of a mistake i think. i had been enjoying doing that even if i felt like i was getting a bit of a beating from it.

eric and i honestly mostly gossiped today. good or bad i dunno. we also spoke a bit yesterday about how things were going for me in la. just like who ive been spending time with and stuff like that. ultimately shit about girls. nothing bad or anything, but just like where my head's at about stuff. which honestly, i told him yesterday more or less some of the stuff i've said here. i think im cautiously interested in someone and while not entirely sure there's a mutual feeling there, i'm kind of okay with that. i enjoy having crushes and being fascinated with people. it's both a good start to a friendship and something more without entirely crushing your spirit. i dont think even in the best and most receptive of circumstances i would go head first into anything right now when im going to be back and forth on tour and at shows. and the first being well out of the country. yeah. i dunno, it's the kind of thing i'll approach when im back home and my shows are more accessible. whether anyone wants to come hang out and that kind of thing is something to be seen.

my dinner last night was really good. the food was great and the conversation was great. between yesterday and today i think i've set valeria up with two new shows to explore. that said, she said she watched the beginning of the first episode of twin peaks and was fairly interested in it. it's a good sign. anyway, we spoke a bit about the podcast i was listening to, which was mostly bc i wanted someone to bounce the story off of.

the podcast is essentially true supernatural stories told by the people who have experienced them. this one was about a man who lived in an apartment that had a ghost and spent much of the beginning talking about how he didn't feel very threatened by the ghost and just had the feeling that someone was there with him when he was listening to music on the couch and that his cats would look off towards the corner and things like that. no big and when he decided to move out, that last night he felt weight on the bed beside him and the presence lean over and in the moment he was scared and hid, but after the fact felt like it was going to lean over to kiss his cheek goodbye. and after from his family, who lived close by years ago, he learned that a young girl had died in that apartment being murdered by a drunk coworker after a party. so he goes on with his life and later a coworker and him were bonding over a scary movie when the coworker tells a story of waking up being strangled in the middle of the night. and as it goes on the guy realizes it was the same apartment and the same ghost. and my immediate reaction to all that was that i would be so fucking bummed out of i was the guy the ghost tried to strangle rather than the one she wanted to kiss goodbye. and as he continued it seemed like the coworker was a bit of a drinker so that could've been the reason she had tried to strangle him, but yeah.

i do sometimes feel a tugging on my shoulder in the middle of the night when i sleep. not all the time, but occasionally. i'm not entirely sure what it means, but it does make me wonder sometimes about things ive messed up in my life and if on some level there's a call to make things better. i don't really know that i could. i want to say i don't even know that i would but that's not entirely true. it's more that i don't think it'd make a difference anyway. as much as ive tried to deal with everything that hurts, it's still the one thing i really don't want to embrace. i don't know that i will ever honestly. there's no telling that it's even related anyway. it could just be um i forget what it's called those jerks you can experience when you're falling asleep that makes it feel like you dropped or your muscles just make a sudden movement. could just be something a bit like that. not enough electrolytes or something too.

um anyway, like i said i did have a good night with valeria and we talked a bit about other lives and other life goals and things like that. it was possible, if im not reading into it too much, that there was a hint of a connection on something, but i dunno. like ive said before, i just kind of want to let things do what they do. it's fun to get excited and feel a moment, but i don't wanna be someone that hangs on tiny pieces of things that under harsher light really add up to nothing. it felt nice in the moment and i wanna appreciate that for what it is.

i think im both dreading and looking forward to leaving as it is right now. i'm enjoying the event and the marketplace and seeing what everyone has out to look through and just kind of thinking i guess. i never want to be someone who overstays his welcome and i feel like i might have done so if i didn't have somewhere to go. i'm thankful for that. im just having a really good time and i know thursday morning is just going to come way too quickly. i feel like i owe charlie a goodbye/thank you present much bigger than a well cooked grilled cheese sandwich. i have a little time to think it over still. and maybe it's better saved to be gotten in japan since she loves anime so much. maybe i'll bring an extra bag to grab shit for people... a lot of people have expressed a longing to be going as well

mrahc - title fight

dreamsickle - wombo

paces - feeble little horse