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i know it’s not gonna be tomorrow or anything but looking at houses and just talking about what life would be like in our home together feels so good. i know good things are coming

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there's someone here (not bonnie) who has really shown themselves to be a truly cruel fucking person and i'm tired of it. i won't get involved in something that isn't my business but it gets really old watching dirty shit go down from the sidelines

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i thought i was just going to have a cute update. maybe a little bit of some frustration with managing myself and trying to be supportive and helpful to val in the way she'd like me to do it, which is still important. honestly, it's the only part that really matters but. damn. i just really can't take someone trying to twist the truth especially when it gets in my head and convinces me that shit happened differently than how it was in reality.

i dunno it's just kind of crazy how shitty i felt for a minute there. i was running through my head like, fuck did i get jealous and weird and forget about it somehow? i had a distinct memory of messaging eric about staying with him when bonnie was visiting so she and val could have time to talk about what she was dealing with. and i was like well, maybe i forgot or maybe i just said fuck it idc? i dunno. it really took a minute and yeah, i wasn't just there with zero warning. she specifically told bonnie ahead of time that i was looking for a place to be instead so they could have time alone together and she said that wasn't necessary. and even though i guess i must've slept there both nights, i wasn't there during the day on saturday i only saw her at work? so like fuck. i get people remember shit differently after the fact especially if their feelings were hurt, but it really fucked with my mind. like, im glad there were receipts to look at to confirm reality bc i dunno. could've had my ass apologizing for shit i made effort to be mindful of. fuck.

and then this shit about it being platonic and only asking for more affection. also got that in my head like oh did i get nervous and was i misguided and protective and jealous and just made it into something it wasn't? like, it really had me there for a minute. but rereading that shit confirmed it. and not just for me. for troye. for wooyoung. for val. clearly stated what it was.

so i dunno. i don't get this shit about everything being misinterpreted. is it just her misremembering shit and maybe being upset that she and val aren't cool. even though like, you're the one the blocked her so whatever. but i dunno if it's that. i don't know if it's some like purposeful action to push blame on to val or that im the one influencing her in some way that fucked up their friendship. again, troye confirmed that's not even close to true. i just don't even get where this shit comes from. i wanna be fair and not be a dick. it's gotta hurt to lose someone like val who is so sweet and warm and comforting as a friend. maybe it's lashing out realizing that somehow all of that is gone, but i dunno where this revisionist history comes from. and that's really what fucking sucks. it's so easy to second guess your past actions and i was so close to blaming myself for something that really had nothing to do with me.

whatever.

before all that happened... val and i were talking about school and money and i dunno. i think that conversation kind of in a small way influenced the way i reacted to the drama a little bit. i get worried im being controlling by wanting to help her out with things. it feels so inevitable that we're going to be living together in the somewhat near future and we're going to be sharing bills and stuff, so why not just combine things now. i don't care if it's quick. i don't care what she buys. i just want her to get the rest she needs for school and for her health and not worry about money and what hours she's working each week.

i know she's not fragile and she's honestly incredibly strong and intelligent and independent. it's just that weird thing where someone doesn't ask anything from you and you just want to help them out with everything. i want her to be able to go out with her friends after class and study with them and all that shit without having to worry about getting to work and figuring out her homework around that extra schedule. and i know. especially as an adult student, it's normal to be working and going to college at the same time, but i just can't help but want to make things easier.

i can understand why it's uncomfortable for her too. it's fast. it's one thing to believe that someone isn't going to judge you on your spending but it's another for it to actually happen and also, to feel like you're contributing less. i get it. and i really don't know how id feel being on the other side of it. that's the truth. the only people ive ever taken money from is my parents and maybe i was spoiled. i don't know.

i know i felt things for her fast. faster than normal. it's hard to manage your pace when you feel like you already know the ending. it's not like i wanna blow through it all to get to the end, i really don't. i want to enjoy every last moment of every single part. i just wanna help make her life easier, but i can only do what she lets me do. and right now, if that's just laundry and dishes and other chores and errands for her when she's busy, i'll take what i can get. bc she fought back against those things too but honestly, until i have tour or we're back in oakland, im a stay at home boyfriend, so i gotta do something besides spend money.

things are good though. we talked some more about moving to san luis obispo at some point in the near-ish future. i really did want to get back to that moving in conversation at some point, so at least there was an opening to work towards figuring that out again. i think in general i just need to focus on my goal being taking shit off her plate instead of putting new stuff on. and just bc something seems like it's a solution to me doesn't mean it's a solution for her.

it's so easy to want to rush through when everything in front of me looks so good. we're building up to something amazing though and i just need to be patient. i'll stay on her path and end up exactly where i'm meant to be.

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so last night val and i talked a bit about moving in together. it was both good and a little messy. initially we talked about getting a house somewhere in between la and oakland just to kind of split the difference and not have someone uproot to another place, but as we talked she realized that she couldn't really leave la quite yet bc she had some commitments still.

it kind of threw me off a little, just bc she was the one to bring it up initially and ask where we would want to be. i wasn't upset really, like, i don't really think i want to live in la. ive spent a lot of time in la bc i wanna see val and my other friends here, but it just doesn't feel like the place for me. i felt bad though bc she definitely recognized my vibe changing big and i don't want her to think im upset with her over it. she has her life and a lot of things outside of me. i didn't expect her to just be able to pick up and leave.

val's so sweet too that she immediately was trying to come up with a timeline for leaving la and i don't wanna push that. it just seemed unrealistic to know that it'd just be a year for us in la when it's really difficult to know that for a fact. and shay would be upset with her for leaving and as much as val said she'd get over it eventually, i don't want it to be that kind of thing. they deserve time to talk it over and figure it out. plus, half of the reason she couldn't leave la is helping some friends open a tattoo shop and it's probably going to take longer than that to be effectively helpful.

it was exciting to talk about and maybe one day we'll get a house together somewhere in between the cities on the coast, but i just don't know how soon it will be. and i don't really know how i feel about living in la for real for a year or two or three, whatever it ends up being. i told her i needed some time to think about it and sort myself out. i guess i am still a little disappointed. it felt like we were making a fun and exciting relationship decision between just us and then reality is a lot of other people are involved. and not just for her. for me too.

i guess it's kind of always like that for people though. the fantasy is that you get to make this exciting decision and only think about the two of you and no one else, but then reality comes through and you realize the decisions you make involve more other people than you initially thought.

we'll figure it out at some point. even if that means i'll have to just deal with my shit and move to la for a little while. it's not the dream but it's a stop on the way.

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i feel pretty good and honestly, maybe if something new came up id have some hostility but at least for now it's gone

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venting and a little space from it did me some good i think. i don't know that the feeling is truly going to just evaporate, but baby steps

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i dunno. i trust val. it's not that i don't and i appreciate she's evaluating the ways she might be welcoming to other people's feelings for her growing beyond platonic. like, i don't think she's doing anything but i understand where she wants to consider it and look into it, but i just kind of feel disrespected and gross about it all. maybe im being a baby im completely open to that. and i know i always judge other people's actions from the way i would do it if i was in there situation and i just don't know what is actually going through other people's heads. just bc i wouldn't do something in a certain way doesn't mean they're doing it with different intentions. i just ugh

"i wish i could love you without being afraid to... because that love is deep and im not sure i understand it sometimes" just... i don't think i could say something like that to a friend in a relationship just like that "i want to love you with everything in me..... but i don't want to upset everyone else around us and you're the only other person who's made me feel that way and i don't know what it is"

there's no like, hey im feeling this way and i'm working on it or i need to get some space bc i know you're not in that place or anything like that. it's i have these feelings and i don't know what to do so im going to lay them on you to figure out. it just bugs me. it feels like a soft ask. a way to check in like hey, just in case you're feeling the same reach out and tell me and we'll get out of our relationships to try it out.

and honestly, the fact that she's in a relationship too just ugh. its not my place and obviously, it wouldn't serve me to get mixed up in that, but id feel really fucked up about my girlfriend saying that to someone while she's with me. like, i feel bad for her. does she know? does she feel like i would feel? bc shit, id be like why am i even here if you're having these intense feelings for a friend am i just a distraction for you? a backup?

i dunno, val said she's sure bonnie didn't mean any of those things and she just wanted to talk it out and she was upset. i just feel like, again, if it were me, i would've picked another person to talk that through with. not the person i was having feelings for unless i was hoping they'd be like wow actually, let me ditch my man and be with you i was waiting for this.

it's kind of hard to talk to val about it bc i do trust her and i don't think she'd do anything. im just hurt by it. and though she does defend bonnie a bit, it's not like intensely and it's definitely in ways meant to make me feel better not to make me think better of bonnie, but it's frustrating. i don't want or expect her to trash bonnie, but i do think she did something kind of messed up. and maybe im an asshole for thinking that. i'm entirely willing to accept that im being a possessive asshole and self involved bc it doesn't actually have anything to do with me. she didn't say it bc she hates me or something, or well i assume not, but i dunno.

like, val mentioned that she was certain bonnie didn't want to make me uncomfortable bc that's why she felt so weird about using val's pic as her header. and i mean, fair if she knew she had these kind of feelings for val and i was under the assumption she just wanted a header of someone she loved and cared about and maybe a little to like get in her ex's head or something. i thought it was just a little petty and whatever, im fine with that. and bonnie got rid of it bc she felt weird about it and like it'd bother me even though i said it's okay. so i dunno, maybe she knew since then. and yeah, in that case im glad she took it down. i just don't think she's really thinking about me in this situation. and tbh i wouldn't expect her to be prioritizing me specifically bc we're not really friends like that, she knows me but she mostly knows me as val's boyfriend, not like, me parker the person.

i talked to troye about it when val first mentioned it to me. and he said he would've been upset about it too. i didn't tell him who it was or anything, bc really, im not trying to trash bonnie or tear her down, but i really needed someone to bounce shit off of and he's very honest with me about shit. he said he might've gone off on the person tbh and yeah, maybe there is a small part of me that wishes i could be like hey this isn't cool or whatever, but honestly i really don't want to talk to her about it. i don't wanna hear any apologies or excuses or anything about it. i just want it to stop. i just want her to clock hey this is something i need to handle and just handle it. if she needs to take the space for it, she should do it herself and not leave it to val.

that's a whole other part that pisses me of too. val feels guilty about it and initially even guilty about bringing it up to me. but i told her, like, i would've been upset if i found out later and not when it happened. it being hidden and quiet would make me really, really uncomfortable. like, maybe she welcomed some moments that weren't necessarily full appropriate in a platonic friendship with bonnie, i genuinely have no idea and i really don't wanna question her on it. i know she's sorting that in her head and that's fine. but she said she felt like it was her fault these kinds of things were happening and i dunno.

i really love her and i trust her and i value these qualities that make people feel that way about her. i love that she's warm, nurturing, caring, sweet, loving, and affectionate with her friends. i think those are incredible qualities and id never want to deprive people of knowing her and enjoying her friendship, but i don't like it being taken in another way. i told her im used to dealing with people being physically and sexually attracted to past partners, those were the ways they made a living even. but that was a distant appreciation and this like romantic/affectionate attraction from people that are up close and know her is really something entirely new and makes me uncomfortable.

it's a terrible feeling understanding how someone could feel that way bc i feel that way about her. i never ever wanted to be the possessive or jealous boyfriend. i hate that. i don't want anyone to feel controlled by me. it really stirs up something in me i don't like but i also don't know that it's a wrong or bad instinct either.

it just sucks. i feel kind of lonely right now and im not at all alone. i'm gonna see val in a few days and i know seeing her will make a difference and make me feel better.

i was supposed to be chill and laid back and i hate that i don't feel that way. for an entire second i thought i was going to lose her today and not bc of what happened, but my reaction to it and the way i just couldn't stop talking about it and the parts that bugged me. she takes it on and i just... im just glad that we're okay.

i don't know who i wanna be about it all right now. just better. and i can never find the right kind of better.

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jfc who else is in love with my girlfriend

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UGHHHHHH

that is all

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abstemiousness - the practice of moderation and restraint, especially in eating and drinking. temperance, abstinent

quotidian - of or occurring every day; daily.

wadmiltilt - a waterproof wool tarpaulin that retains the natural oils of the sheep

absquatulate - leave abruptly

opsimath - a person who begins to learn or study only late in life

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as per now it's been awhile and im really out of practice of updating. i'll keep it relatively simple though. i met val's mom and i think it went well... she said it did. it felt like it was good to me and it was a bit of a relief. i don't know. as much as val told me not to worry and that shit would be cool and she knew her mom would like my bc they'd already talked about me a bit, i was still nervous about it going well. my spanish is definitely far from strong and i dunno i just need to make a good impression or else it fucks with me tbh.

it's funny bc ive also told her that i have talked to my mom about her a lot. and honestly, i tell my mom pretty much everything that's going on in my life so it would've been weird if she didn't know about her, but im so sure that's there's literally nothing that val would need to do to impress my mom or really any of my family. im sure she probably feels the same and still wants something to hold on to to make sure she does it right. maybe i need to come up with some little things that would make my mom feel good just so she feels like she has something to work with.

i had watched a few yt videos with this woman who gives advice for dating spanish speaking latin american people and the traditions and expectations and just some nice phrases in spanish to work into things and it made me feel a bit better. i knew what to call her mom and kind of having that step of checking in about it i think gave val the reminder to let me know what her mom would prefer and all that. it does do a decent amount when it comes to relieving a little anxiety bc it can be an action to take. like, you're not just like oh well im gonna fail and suck and that's just it bc there's a thing to work on even if it is kind of meaningless in the end. i don't think this was i do think it helped but still even if it didn't really change things at all i still felt better with it. plus she thought it was cute that i was watching it.

then i left for tour right after and fucking val slipped on some water or something at work and fucked up her knee. it really sucked and i hated that i could be around for her and help her out. it was nice that sabrina was there to sit with her in urgent care the next morning and all that. i mean, i could've, but it would've meant giving up seeing bastille with her bc there was no way for me to reasonably do both and i think i made the right choice. i know how much bastille means to her and i really wanted to experience the show with her. it was a really good time and she seemed happy. it was nice to sleep in her bed too one more time before im really gone gone for a bit. no coming back until well into december.

other than that tour has been good. whitney came which is cool. i think charlie might come out to visit at some point. val and sabrina are gonna come out for orlando to go to disney world for a bit and then i think they're gonna go see taylor after? i dunno. there's shit with sabrina i don't super wanna get into. like, there's so much thinking involved and i don't want to do it. i think i keep putting it off. maybe at some other point ill have a whole thing dedicated to sorting my brain out all around it, but im excited for them to come for disney. i also gave val some other options to visit, if she's interested. i know she's gotta work and all too. as it is i feel like im tkaing up so much of her time, particular the time when she can make the most money, but she doesn't seem to mind? i dunno. all is well.

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tienes una sonrisa muy bonita

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"they were the type of women who ought to need no one, and whom everyone wished to be around."

that's it

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"i think im depressed could you rub my back and remind me that you love me" thats what i need to say when she's awake so i can bring myself back to life

i hate that i need it but denying it won't help

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witnessing someone else struggle makes me wonder how far i could regress but positivity and effort is all i have to counter it

maybe sleep

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it's been a long time. i feel like im failing at something but i don't really know what it is. there's so much bullshit around me and people acting shitty and selfish and it really just fucks with me right now. and then other things, joking things, i take too seriously and just feel eh about the entire situation bc i know what im doing and that im ruining it but i just don't feel fun in the moment.

i hate being imperfect and i want her to love me but i feel so internally murky i wonder if its actually possible

im fucking up in slow motion but im trapped behind glass

being real and human is such a fucking drag i should be shinier

who even knows what i deserve i might've been fooling myself

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ps i love johnathan and im gonna take val to meet him every day until we leave