#i doubt he has any sense of value. or sense of what other people would like

[zehecatl]

thinks about Mei begrudgingly helping Wukong buy (courting) gifts for MK, because it is very obvious that the two fancy each other, and even if she thinks MK deserves better, the idiot is too smitten to ever consider that

so. begrudgingly helping Wukong actually buy a good gift, like a mature and reasonable adult, who is maybe taking a bit too much pleasure in seeing his crestfallen face when his suggestions are waved aside

[flawseer]

"#21 - Ancient", follow-up

I'm not going to be able to finish Smaugust #23 today, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. Apologies.

Instead, for a change of pace, let's talk about something different. I've seen a few reactions to my submission for day 21 that wondered what on earth must have possessed Secretkeeper to romantically pursue Morrowseer, and what that must have been like. Did they love each other? Was there any tenderness or affection between them? I figured I should give you my take on them.

I believe that Morrowseer--somewhere deep within his black, twisted lump of a heart--did indeed have feelings for Secretkeeper. You can kind of see this in the Prisoners short where he very unfavorably compares Farsight to Secretkeeper and sings the praises of the latter. He holds her in high esteem and seems to value her intelligence. He probably really wanted to have a meaningful relationship with her.

Unfortunately, he is wracked with the burden of having to be Morrowseer; a bitter, deeply unpleasant, emotionally shallow old dragon incapable of the humility required to be compassionate. For all the prestige and clout that Morrowseer has as an elite member of the Queen's court, his social life seems very empty and sad. He has no friends, only co-workers (who don't like him) and underlings (who butter him up), and I think he feels incomplete because of that. To fill this void, he fixates on asserting his importance and is desperate to maintain his status. He deeply desired to be the father of the prophecy Nightwing--which would have cemented him as the one dragon who saved his tribe--and the fact that he failed to sire a child in time not once (necessitating Starflight), but twice (necessitating Fatespeaker) eats him up on the inside. He perceives this as a huge failure, and Mastermind (who succeeded where he failed) picked up on this and mocks him for it. His entire conversation with Farsight reeks of "I am mad and jealous that your kid is special! It should have been mine!! Goddamnit why wasn't it mine!??"

For Secretkeeper's side... no, I don't think there's any deep affection there. I don't think she anticipated this relationship happening in the first place. But she did want to have a child, and when Morrowseer approached her, she weighed her options. If one can stomach living with someone like Morrowseer--who always has to be the most important person in the room--it's not an entirely bad deal. You get a lot of social clout as the Queen's right hand's mate, and since Morrowseer is exempt from the strict food rationing policy, you also get to eat. And he actively wants to have children to secure his legacy, which, if that's what you want as well, is pretty good. So in my mind she probably just went "Yeah, I can probably make this work. I'm sure he's not as bad to be around when he likes you." and agreed out of convenience.

But I doubt she loved him. There isn't really a reality where I can reconcile "She loved him" and "She kept their shared child a secret from him because she did not trust him". The only thing Secretkeeper genuinely loved about Morrowseer was that she was able to have Moonwatcher. So she stuck it out for her daughter, and I don't think she was upset for very long when Morrowseer died. She might have even felt a sense of relief that she didn't have to keep lying anymore.

I've seen people point to the fact that Secretkeeper felt a desire to tell Moonwatcher who her father was, and then posit that this means she did have feelings for him. I'm not sure I really agree. All that tells me is that she has feelings for Moonwatcher and wants her to know the truth. But if the truth is "I didn't really love your father, he was an awful and unpleasant person and I was just with him so I could have you", it becomes understandable why she would choose not to tell her.

That's my read of the situation anyway. Yours might be entirely different!

[meanbossart]

im so happy youve given permission for people to draw their tavs and durges with your beefy drow haha. hopefully that applies to ocs outside of bg3 too?

and im curious for the sake of the sketch im doing, you got an ask awhile back about how dudrow might react to a nonbinary drow and your answer was really interesting. im curious if thats changed at all or if you have any other ideas about it?

im currently sketching dudrow with my oc who is a nonbinary drow for fun, and thinking about what kind of connection they might have.

so far the sketch is just dudrow and nb drow, both with hand on hip poses, just kind of standing there evaluating each other. but i plan to have that sketch as a first meeting sort of thing, then do a follow up of them either as friends or... maybe more, if that would be allowed...

I can't stress this enough, you can draw DU drow with whoever you want and doing whatever you want, I'm just happy to see other folks drawing him at all! No rules there save for what is common sense.

If I recall correctly, my answer back then was somewhere along the lines of "he doesn't get it, and it's weird enough that it gets you the benefit of doubt". That while he would likely suspect that, lets say, a male-to-female drow woman would only transition for her own social benefit, that a nonbinary drow would be shooting themselves in the foot too much for him to justifiably believe them to be duplicitous (since, at least in the "cultural canon" that I personally subscribe to, there is no way a nonbinary drow could be out and functional in drow society; so they would HAVE to be an outsider - and unlike most times, DU drow might just believe them at semi-face-value this time.)

This has remained unchanged, I think. DU drow knows how important gender (well - sex, in this case, I guess) is in their culture, and while men and women have their place in it, as unbalanced as it may be, that's a step above someone who refuses to partake in gender at all or constantly falls outside of it. They're kinda fucked of their own accord and he can weirdly respect that.

And, just to clarify, this perspective applies ONLY to the drow race. DU drow is truly indifferent to gender and all it's implications otherwise.

Anyways, thanks for the question and I hope this was helpful!

[writingforstraykids]

I love you - I doubt it

Pairing: Chan x gn!reader

Word Count: 1571

Summary: Chan gets a message that would've made him the happiest man on earth only a while ago. Now, he doesn't know what to believe anymore.

Warnings/Tags: angst, chan centered

A/N: This is for you, pretty @zehina, my fellow angst lover🤭 Hope you like it🖤🖤

do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works in any way here or on other platforms. ©️writingforstraykids 2024 -

Chan sat on his bed, staring at the glowing screen of his phone. His room was dimly lit, the soft hum of the air conditioner the only sound filling the silence. He had just finished scrolling through the usual notifications, his mind dulled by the routine of checking emails, missed calls, and scattered messages. But then, amidst the noise of daily communication, one message stood out, its simplicity pulling him out of the monotony of his scrolling.

I love you.

It was from you. He blinked, momentarily frozen. The words, clear and concise, hung there in the quiet air, reverberating in his mind. There was a time when those words would have lit up his world. He could still remember the first time you’d said them—how his heart had leaped, how his breath had caught in his throat. The flood of warmth, the feeling of being seen, of being valued. But now, as he stared at those three words on the screen, something had shifted.

He didn’t feel the familiar rush of emotion. Instead, his first thought was cold, dispassionate, and bitterly practical.

I doubt it.

He immediately regretted thinking it, but it was the truth. He couldn’t escape the gnawing doubt that had been creeping into his mind for months now. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to believe you still loved him. It wasn’t that he wanted to give up on the idea of you and him. It was just that, over time, something had changed. And he wasn’t sure if either of you had noticed it, or maybe you were just better at pretending it hadn’t.

He sat back against the headboard, his fingers grazing the side of the phone absentmindedly. The message stayed on the screen, taunting him with its simplicity. I love you. Those words should be enough, shouldn’t they? They should fix whatever invisible distance had begun to stretch between you. They should have the power to pull him back into that feeling, that intoxicating sense of connection. But they didn’t.

Instead, they felt like a promise he wasn’t sure you could keep anymore. Or maybe it was a promise neither of you had the energy to uphold.

It wasn’t like this before. There was a time when you two were inseparable, emotionally intertwined in a way that had felt so natural, so effortless. You had shared everything, from the smallest, most insignificant details of your day to the deep, raw vulnerabilities that you hid from everyone else. He had loved you for that – how you trusted him, how you opened yourself to him completely. And he had given you the same in return, never hesitating to share his fears, his dreams, his uncertainties.

But life has a way of complicating things. Chan found himself thinking back over the last year, the slow, almost imperceptible drift that had started to happen. It wasn’t a single moment, not a dramatic argument or a hurtful betrayal. It was more like the erosion of a coastline, gradual and unnoticed until one day you look up, and the shore is so far from where it once was. That’s how it felt between you two now. The connection that had once felt so solid, so unshakeable, now felt fragile, like it could break with a single careless touch.

It was little things at first. The missed calls, the forgotten details, the way you had started to prioritize other aspects of your life over time spent together. He had noticed it but hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of it. Everyone grows and changes, right? People have different needs at different times in their lives. He had convinced himself that it was just a phase, that soon things would go back to the way they were.

But they hadn’t.

The silences between you had grown longer. The once easy, flowing conversations had started to falter, punctuated by awkward pauses where neither of you seemed to know what to say. You both tried to fill the gaps with reassurances, gestures of affection, but they felt forced, like you were trying to recapture something that had already slipped away.

And now, here was this message. I love you. The words felt like they came from a different time, a different version of you. The version of you that still shared everything with him, that still looked at him with that unguarded expression of trust. But that version had faded, hadn’t it? Replaced by someone more distant, more distracted. And maybe, just maybe, he had changed too. Maybe he wasn’t as attentive as he used to be, wasn’t as present.

Chan sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. He wished he could just respond the way he once would have—I love you too. It had been automatic, instinctive before. But now, it felt like a lie. Not because he didn’t care about you, not because he didn’t want to love you. But because there was something hollow about those words now, something that didn’t ring true.

He wondered if you felt it too. Did you send that message out of habit? Was it a routine? Or did you still mean it, deeply, truly, the way you had when you first said it? He couldn’t be sure. And that’s what scared him. The doubt, the uncertainty. How had it come to this? How did something that once felt so right now feel so wrong?

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in love anymore. He did. But he wasn’t sure if what you two had was still love, at least not in the way it had once been. Maybe it had transformed into something else—something more complicated, less romantic. Something more like mutual obligation, or familiarity, or a kind of quiet companionship. But love? That passionate, all-consuming feeling that had once defined your relationship? He wasn’t sure if that was still there.

He put the phone down on the bed beside him, leaving the message unanswered for now. He needed time to think, to sort through his feelings. He wasn’t ready to respond until he could figure out what he truly felt and what he wanted. Maybe you two were just going through a rough patch. Maybe this was something you could work through if you both put in the effort. But then again, maybe this was the beginning of the end.

The thought made his chest tighten with a strange mix of fear and resignation. The idea of losing you was painful, but there was also a part of him that wondered if letting go would be a relief. The constant questioning, the persistent doubt, the weight of a love that no longer felt easy—it was exhausting. Could you two really go on like this? Or was it time to face the truth that something fundamental had changed between you, something that might never be the same again?

Chan leaned his head back against the headboard, closing his eyes. He replayed your relationship in his mind, the early days when everything was new and exciting, the middle years when you had settled into a comfortable rhythm, and now, this period of uncertainty. He realized that love wasn’t just a feeling. It was work. It was commitment. It was choosing each other, every day, even when things got hard. Lately, he wasn’t sure if either of you were still choosing each other the way you once did.

He didn’t want to admit it, but part of him was angry. Angry that you had let things slip, that you hadn’t fought harder to keep the connection alive. But then again, he knew it wasn’t fair to blame you entirely. He was just as responsible for the distance that had grown between you. Maybe he hadn’t been paying attention. Maybe he had let himself get too caught up in his own world, in his own doubts.

Still, the message lingered. I love you. It was such a simple phrase, but it carried so much weight. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to trust that it was still true. But the doubt remained, like a shadow he couldn’t shake.

“I doubt it,” he whispered to himself again, the words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He hated feeling this way. He hated that he couldn’t just accept your love at face value anymore, that he had to question it, analyze it, pick it apart. He missed the days when love felt simple, when it was just you and him against the world.

But those days were gone, weren’t they? Now, it felt like it was just him, sitting alone in his room, staring at a message that should have meant everything, but instead, left him feeling empty.

Chan wasn’t sure what the future held for you two. Maybe you could work through this, find a way back to each other. Or maybe this was the beginning of a slow, inevitable drift apart. Either way, he knew one thing for sure—something had changed. And once change happens, there’s no going back to the way things were. Not really.

For now, all he could do was sit with the uncertainty, with the doubt. And as he lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but wonder if love, a relationship, friendship, was supposed to feel this complicated, this fragile. Or if maybe, just maybe, it was time to let go.

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[hatosaur]

it's pretty implied that ellie never came out to joel in the proper sense. she lets him assume that she's into men, gives him the false satisfaction of "seeing" her "crush" on jesse, does not correct him. she's fairly confident in being gay in public for others to see and having others close to her know; so why not correct him? why dodge the topic?

was it out of fear? could it be that she never broached the topic despite being close to him in the early years because of the possibility of his reaction being negative? that she was afraid that out of all things that could force them apart (further apart after they split), him reacting badly to her being gay would be the worst?

what about at the dance? would she have been as wound up as she was if the moment hadn't been an encounter with a vicious homophobe? maybe she would've still snapped without this context, but why is she immediately on the defensive against joel after he sticks up for her?

what about the porch scene? why did she refute his question of dina being her girlfriend so insecurely, looking away, nervously and quietly stumbling over words? why isn't she mean about it? why doesn't she get defensive at the question? why did she lash out again when he expressed acceptance?

i think these scenes revolving around her queerness indicate it as such; that ellie never told joel for fear of a response, that she lets him think what he wants because that's the easiest way for it to be. then, when she's ready to face off against a homophobe, because that's the way things are, that's what she can expect, and joel defends her, she lashes out.

it's such a clear juxtaposition of support and hatred between joel and seth, and being faced with joel's acceptance is too much, makes her turn to the anger she'd been holding onto and reinforce what she thinks is true -- that she doesn't need him. and in the fallout, as her regret dawns on her, so too does the realization; he was protecting her, like always, without hesitation, over this thing she was always afraid he wouldn't accept her for.

in the porch scene, joel chooses his words wisely, and asks if dina is her girlfriend -- not "so you're gay?" or "why did you never tell me?" or "how long has this been a thing?" -- with such a casuality that it seems to throw her off. it's like ellie can hardly get the words out. she refutes the idea, fumbles for each following part of her response, is tense. she wasn't prepared for the question.

and when he finally asserts his support for her, in as explicit terms as he can, you can see ellie become emotional, touched for a moment but overcome, before she launches into the defensive again, exactly like at the dance scene -- meeting his kindness with hostility as a way to cope with her emotions.

and then, in response to her basically saying her life doesn't matter, he affirms that it does.

so he's now affirmed two things that ellie has doubted: that he accepts her being a lesbian, and that her life matters. a conflation of the two, in ellie's mind, may have come after; and after that, her olive branch.

and yeah, him affirming these things for her is fully in the context of his overwhelming parental love for her and her complex feelings about being the cure, but within a queer subtext, it means more. it's such a familiar thing to slink around loved ones and hide being gay/queer for fear of any type of response, and lying by omission in conversation just to keep that state of peace, of normalcy. ellie, with all her brutishness and bravery, falls into it like anyone else, because even while mad at him, she valued that response from him.

a lot of people seem to think that the approach to ellie's queerness is nonchalant, that it's just some unrelated thing about her, but i think that it holds more weight in the narrative that what is explicitly spelled out. it's subtle but it was a deliberate choice to place her queerness at the center of the confrontation. i think that's why ellie's relationship with dina took center stage in the story, and why so much time is devoted to just them -- because her being queer matters to her character, but in a way that perhaps only a queer person can see, analyze, and appreciate (without being blatant enough to anger certain other fans).

[totallynotsloughjykk]

okay rant because I need to hhhhh I'm so tired of people misinterpreting mu qing. no he is not a heartless monster nor is he a tsundere baby. he's a complex character and people need to stop dumbing him down to either good/bad mu qing values logic before anything. he thinks everything through too much and only considers feelings after, which makes him come off as unempathetic and uncaring. that's his main flaw. he cannot deal with any emotions and hides behind an indifferent/arrogant mask despite it being far from his actual self. his avoidance with vulnerability is understandable considering just how much he had to watch himself during his teenhood and probably even childhood he's hypervigilant and gets defensive the second he feels any form of attack coming towards him. for example, him freaking out over the red coral pearl going missing during the xianle era - which, again, is understandable since that would've ruined his reputation completely. he's also terrible with showing affection and care and that's another reason why he always come off as so mean and rude mu qing is also deeply insecure; he suddenly turned his attention to hong'er after xie lian praised his skill with a saber and he found reasons to kick him out fast (I'll get onto this later). he jumps any time he's handed a broom and he's also pretty easily envious. he doesn't usually go far beyond petty words and punches - like xie lian said, he's spiteful enough to spit in someone's cup, not poison it his flaws are well thought-out and make a lot of sense for his character. you can trace his behavior patterns back to his past; for example, his hypervigilance and arrogant mask comes the fact that everyone always expected the worst of him. the second he was even suspected to be in the wrong everyone turned on him without a doubt, so he grew wary of what he did and what he said. and for the arrogant mask, he couldn't prove otherwise at all - who would listen? no one. so he just gave up and got used to it mu qing has his flaws but he also has his qualities; he's a kind person beneath everything, shockingly enough. he handed poor children cherries after he was beaten up for picking them, he brought feng xin and xie lian rice and medicine after he left, he helped jian lan give birth, he disguised himself to help xie lian and he took a whole cursed shackle for refusing to hurt him. he can only show affection through actions and it's still uncomfortable for his deeds to be recognized since he's already so used to the selfish, cold and indifferent tag everyone slapped on him so he never expects any gratitude or anything in return at all also controversial take but hua cheng was wrong to hold a grudge against mu qing and feng xin. first of all, the feng xin grudge was entirely unnecessary (for mu qing it's a lot more understandable) but that's for another rant. second of all, while it is, again, understandable from hua cheng's POV, from an outside perspective it's just.. wrong. hua cheng will go towards extreme lengths to anyone who even mildly hurts off xie lian, and that's one of his flaws as a character. I love hua cheng deeply and that's part of what makes him beautifully complex. he's overprotective after seeing his beloved hurt so many times by so many people while he couldn't do much about it. he views xie lian through rose-colored lenses and I doubt he'll let go of the way he sees mu qing any time soon considering just how heavy of a grudge he held and how complicated their friendship/relationship in general is. they don't get along and until they formally talk things out, give them 200 years to warm up to each other they'd still probably stab each other if left unattended

[kisseobie]

hi I absolutely adore your writing!!! who do think amon piwon is a more love st first sight kinda a guy?

love at first sight

pairings: ot6 p1harmony x reader

warnings: none!

a/n: in my fantasy world they all fall in love with me at first sight but i’m gonna be as realistic as possible based off of their personalities and things the members have said themselves .. i hope u enjoy <33

𓈒ིུ keeho

i think i remember that on kyo and jiung’s radio show they mentioned this topic once and keeho was a firm believer that love at first sight doesn’t exist, that attraction can definitely be sensed straight away but love is only something that you can experience as you get to know the ins and outs of someone. that being said, for keeho, i would say that although no, he doesn’t fall in love with you at first sight, he does feel a gravitational pull towards your energy and approaches you right when he sees you, internally passing it off as just “wanting to meet new people” when in fact, his subconscious is telling him to introduce himself to you. love at first sight is non existent with keeho, but he knows that it feels right to be around you, which later may blossom into something more than just a “pull”.

𓈒ིུ theo

doesn’t have a set opinion on love at first sight, but i do think he’ll experience it with the right person. doesn’t know if it’s your smile, your beauty, or your charisma that has been on his mind since his first encounter with you, but he knows that it was meant to be. i can see taeyang being frustrated with how he feels after just meeting you, because “love at first sight” doesn’t even occur to him as an option to consider, but as he gets to know you in your future encounters, he begins to understand that that is exactly what he felt. i can envision theo as completely shifting from someone pretty indifferent about relationships to someone who constantly daydreams about seeing you again. so yes, in my opinion, i think theo would experience love at first sight!

𓈒ིུ jiung

no, but just like keeho, the attraction is definitely there. when he first laid his eyes on you, he could place you in his mind as both intelligent and beautiful, and that intrigues him. ji is not a risk taker, nor is he someone to believe in cliches, so he would rather opt to get to know you as a friend at first with no other intentions until he eventually does fall in love with you. but i’m gonna say that jiung is the most difficult to imagine “love at first sight” with. he’s a thinker that needs to analyze all parts about you before allowing himself to open his heart to you. i don’t see this as a bad thing though! i think jiung, as a deep thinker, is definitely the type to value personality the most, so when he does fall in love with you, there isn’t any doubts in his mind, and he knows it was meant to be.

𓈒ིུ intak

intak is tricky but i’m going to say no, only because he’s a social butterfly and feels the need to make a connection with anyone he meets. i don’t think that would change as it comes to you, and like jiung, he wouldn’t have any other intentions than becoming your friend (that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get nervous around you due to your beauty!! but he doesn’t quite perceive that as love). however, i do see intak as someone to fall in love quite quickly, so even if it wasn’t “love at first sight”, it happens very fast. he’s a forward man!

𓈒ིུ soul

as a great judge of character, i think shota would! but the idea of that definitely intimidates him, and frustrates him more than anything. he can tell when he’s drawn to someone and when he meets you, he feels something deeper than his usual desire to get close to someone. it isn’t how he felt with someone like keeho, who he automatically sensed comfortability with in a platonic sense. the butterflies in his tummy scare him, and he doesn’t know what to do with them. however, his infatuation with you definitely forces him out of his comfort zone, which leads to him seeking out your presence wherever he bumps into you, and what happens after that is for you to decide :p

𓈒ིུ jongseob

yes yes yes! and i’m not just saying that because he’s my ult lol in my crush headcanons i also mentioned this but i think seob is so beyond his years that love at first sight is definitely something he could experience. i believe that he wouldn’t be aware of this himself, so he probably would try to downplay how he felt when he first laid eyes on you as just mere attraction to a pretty girl, but it begins to click in his head when he can’t get you off his mind for the rest of the night, despite never holding a conversation with you. confides in shota because he thinks soul is the only one who wouldn’t tease him for how he’s feeling. shota eggs him on to get your number eventually, and he comes to realize after texting you that you might feel the same way about him too <3

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© kisseobie, please do not repost my writing!

° . ❀

[loriache]

Thistle & Senshi: Missed Connections

continuing my thistleposting... here is my manifesto for thistle and senshi: friends. In another life 😥

For one thing, they've been unknowing cohabitants for most of senshi's life. thistle doesn't think much of the non-golden kingdom residents of the dungeon, of course - he considers them trespassers and thieves! but there is a difference between trespassers and thieves who mind their own business, and even help keep other adventurers out (he obviously knew about and tolerated the orcs), and trespassers and thieves who make a mess of his dungeon (hateful, to be killed).

which I can't blame him for!

Based on what it looks like when marcille became the dungeon lord, we could assume that creating a dungeon is super easy - just rely on the winged lion for everything! But we see in thistle's flashbacks, that isn't how he did it.

Thistle did a lot of the work of building the dungeon manually. Perhaps because he was trying to build a sustainable dungeon, that could support a large population of living people - who he was invested in surviving themselves, not being replaced by puppets by the demon. They need a functioning ecosystem!

Of course, this is all pragmatic. After working on it for so long, I am sure Thistle is attached to the dungeon and its ecosystem, but more as a means to an end than for its own sake. As we see from the way that Laois defeats him, Thistle isn't really interested in monsters, and doesn't really understand the value of food...

Though I think he once did, and the fact he doesn't anymore is more down to the lion's interference than anything.

Senshi is attached to the dungeon's ecosystem. It's his home, even though he lost his family there, and he's come to care about it in its own right.

There are aspects of it he finds distasteful or dislikes, such as the immortality spell. But overall, if he had a chance to talk to Thistle about his hard work building up and maintaining the dungeon, he'd be greatly appreciative of it - this is his home, and it's a place that Thistle made to be a home.

In fact, Senshi (and the orcs) have been willingly living in the dungeon. Whereas the people that Thistle created the dungeon for have to be kept there by force. I doubt it's something he'd be easily appreciative of, but it's something, isn't it?

I also think it's incredibly cute that they both keep diaries.

Senshi's diaries have drawing, Thistle's have poems... they're both artists! Thistle with his music & Senshi with his cooking, they both have arts that they share with others to make them happy, and art that they keep to themselves.

Based on the diaries, including the ones in the complete Adventurers Bible..... it doesn't seem like Senshi ever learned Thistle's name! This makes sense since they really don't have much interaction - mostly Thistle talks to Laios or Marcille.

I don't think it should have gone any other way, since they're the protagonists and foils, but I do think in a more chilled out setting, Senshi and Thistle could get on.

Like Izutsumi, Thistle's a bit of a brat.

(I love him)

He probably had good table manners once upon a time, but I reckon he is very out of practice.

And we see he isn't in the habit of sharing:

Senshi would disapprove!

Senshi's desire to get everyone living well can be a bit overbearing. He already cleaned Thistle's kitchen for him!

But like Izutsumi, Thistle is another character that Senshi's habit of assuming non-dwarves to be children would be appropriate for. He's much older than Senshi, yeah, but his maturity levels seem to have stagnated along with his physical form in some ways. I doubt that anyone has treated him like a kid since way before he became a dungeon lord. The humans around him didn't understand his age, we can see that from the responsibility Delgal puts on him!

I think it would be good for him to have a person in his life who treats him like a kid, after he's had to be an adult so early and have so much responsibility for so long. And I'd like him to sit down and eat a delicious meal.

Sometimes that does happen! But Senshi would have done better </3

Thistle's ending is sad, but it's cathartic and makes sense. After being consumed by the winged lion, I doubt he'd be able to persist for a little longer, like Yaad - why would he even want to?

But I do think it would be nice if he could have met new people, formed new desires outside of his codependency with Delgal, and eaten a meal together with new people. Senshi could have helped him with that, if he had had the opportunity.

[mari-lair]

Let's talk about Natsukane, my favorite rarepair. They barely have anything in canon, so this will be less of an analysis and more of me going disproportionately insane about a ship between two characters with no screen time together. Buckle up.

To start: They are opposite sides of the same coin.

During an official quiz to see what character best matches your personality (full quiz here) Akane and Natsuhiko's results are side by side, following the same path, so they have a lot in common.

Both are the extroverted and passionate kind of people who confess first, both like to exercise, and both have secrets, only differing on the question "Are you stubborn?" which makes sense, since Natsuhiko is usually pretty laidback while Akane is stubbornness incarnated.

Despite all these similarities, the results and 'advice' for each result are very different.

Akane is "Do your best to help your loved ones. Life can be unfair, but keep working hard." vs Natsuhiko's "People trust you. Make connections, they will help you in the future."

Give and take.

Akane is selfless to the point of concern for his loved ones, putting other needs above his own. Take Aoi for exemple: He wants a lot from Aoi, her attention, her love, her hand in marriage, but above it all, he wants her to be happy, always doing what he believes she will appreciate even when he personally doesn't enjoy it, cause if she is happy, so is he.

Aoi drives this impulsive and passionate boy crazy, but when Akane learns that she likes him back, and their kiss gets interupted, the only thing he demands of her is for Aoi to be in his life. His priority is for her to feel loved and safe, not to be her boyfriend.

Natsuhiko is also extremely down bad, but he is more selfish: Most of what he does has the goal to steal Sakura's heart, and he approaches her doing things that he likes (love songs, dramatic film-like dates, etc) not things that Sakura has personally ever shown any interest in. I don't think he even realizes he does that because Natsuhiko genuinely values Sakura and is in awe of her, we see him doing whatever she asks, we see him make tea for her, ask Mei to fix her elephant cup, be willing to 'become a woman' when Sakura gets a male body, and shows his devotion to her many times.

He genuinely pays attention to her. He is trying his best.

We don't have much to work with Natsu and Sakura, so this is more speculation, but it feels like he expects to be loved back, becoming more selfish when he is particularly desperate: Like trying to touch her whenever he can even after being consistently reprimanded for it, and going as far as to try to give Sakura a love potion that would force her to love him back for a day, prioritizing being loved.

Akane is old-fashioned when it comes to love, he'll date expecting it to end in marriage and push away all else, being open about his affection and lack of interest alike. A relationship is a lifelong commitment to Akane, no fooling around!

Natsuhiko also takes romance seriously, but he is no loverboy, he is a playboy.

We don't know if he ever dated or kissed a girl before Sakura, but we do know his love for Sakura doesn't stop him from flirting around. He was even down to kiss Nene for no real reason besides 'cute girl', claiming that being hit is a normal reaction, so he tried to kiss more people before (I'm assuming Sakura is the one rejecting his kisses, but there could be other cute girls he tried to kiss before, who knows?)

Akane doesn't like that.

One of the few times they are in the same panel shows Natsuhiko basking in the attention of many girls while Akane looks done with him.

I am pretty sure Akane has not seen Natsuhiko before this point, so Akane took one look at him and went 'the vibes are off, fuck this guy'. Meanwhile, I doubt Natsuhiko spared Akane any thought, he doesn't care about Akane as a person.

Natsuhiko is a friendly guy but he is detached from his peers, he can find charm in people easily and discards them just as easily: Wanting to kiss Nene, going 'oh well' about her lifespan. Doting on Mitsuba, hurting him when Mitsuba still had no Yorishiro. Not hanging out with anyone from his class, or mentioning a family. He is so detached from people, and supernaturals alike, that he is fine with destroying the world for Sakura.

Meanwhile, Akane judges people easily and grows attached to them just as easily. Reprimanding Nene for being too soft on Hanako, but consistently helping her out, and showing care for her. Forgiving Teru's consistent bullying after he is helped and even growing a reluctant fondness for the clock keepers that ruined his life.

Akane is described as a good person by his peers, and Natsuhiko is a self-proclaimed bad guy. Akane has a belief human lives are fragile and precious ever since he was 12 and nearly lost Aoi during his orientation day. Natsuhiko can't die, and he doesn't care when people die.

They are on opposite sides in every sense of the word but they have a lot in common.

Both are seem as easy to take advantage of: predictable fools who love their crush, but they are smart people who can read others well, and know how to weaponize what they have available.

They haven't interacted with each other all that much so they seem to have this 'predictable fool' view of each other too. Or at least, Natsuhiko does.

Both have brown/red hair.

Both have no self-preservation, and easily forgive or brush off when others physically hurt them. They don't fear death.

They are shields, the guards.

Both are pawns of someone else, Akane's boss is the clock keepers and Natsuhiko's is Sakura, their goals come second to their boss's orders most of the time. They have no interest in each other personally but they work for supernaturals whose main obstacle are each other.

I doubt they'll have more interactions, but what we have is enough to have fun.

The broadcasting club clearly considers Akane the weak link of the clock keepers, so imagine Natsuhiko was tasked to get Akane's trust, coach him into destroying the yorishiro, playing the long game, similar to how he and Sakura were chill waiting for Mitsuba to find a Yorishiro.

Akane is the most stubborn of the two, and he sees Natsuhiko as untrustworthy, so I can't see him falling for his 'reliable and kind senpai✨' charade, but I can see him being arrogant enough to fall for the 'this guy is a dumbass' vibe Natsuhiko emanates in waves. Akane has the disadvantage of caring too much too fast, people show him kindness and he is unconsciously inclined to reply in kind, people are insensitive to others and he gets angry, so he isn't that hard to approach or drag around if you learn to ignore his complaints. They can have a lot of 'bonding time' regardless if Akane actually vibes with him.

I think Natsuhiko would have a detached respect for Akane. Cause while Natsuhiko isn't a kind person, I do believe he appreciates kindness.

Take Mitsuba's surprise party for example: The party was clearly Sakura's idea. Natsuhiko is more interested in pleasing Sakura throught it than in cheering up Mitsuba, using the party planning as a way to bond and celebrate with Sakura.

But despite having no blush, no comment, no spark in his eyes when he looks at Mitsuba being happy, he does seem to feel a hint of something that makes him ask Tsukasa to chill.

So kindness is possible it simply doesn't come easy for him, is not something that has a big sway on his decision. He likes being a bastard way more, look at how happy he is to do Sakura's evil schemes!

So Akane would be a pain in the ass for him. Maybe even pluzzling but mostly an annoyance that's prone to getting violent when Natsuhiko says 'the wrong thing', be it verbal violence or a punch in the face.

And Natsuhiko would absolutely say the wrong thing.

He is a decent liar, very disarming, and hard to read. But he is also careless, he may be able to make someone like Kou lower his guard even when the young exorcist's instincts go "You are sooo suspicious" but Akane isn't dismissive of these things. (compare how Kou was able to dismiss Hanako's murder after seeing the ghost do a good deed in chapter 9 while Akane still eyes Hanako harshly to this day)

Will Natsuhiko put effort into looking like he is Akane's buddy? Will he take him on friendly hang-outs at the broadcasting club? Yes. Will he stop being dismissive about other people? Will he stop flirting with many girls? No. Even if Natsuhiko gets swept by Akane's passion and genuinely tries to help, like offering Akane a love potion so he can 'get' Aoi or taking him to have a 'glow up' in the mall, it wouldn't work, cause their approach is too different. Who he is and the 'kind and reliable senpai' image he wants to sell clash.

So we have a lack of trust that doesn't go away, for every nice thing Natsu shows, he has an equally bad trait. Either Akane doesn't drop the 'yo you suck' attitude or he finds himself relaxing, only to be slapped in the face the next day at the reminder Natsuhiko may be able to disarm him with idol songs, bad love advice, asking Akane for his assistance, but he is still not a good person.

Speaking of disarming, here is a tiny tangent: Natsuhiko is the only character who gets a comment on how he smells, not even Ao-chan and Teru, who are complemented in every way possible get comments on their smell. This means Natsuhiko must either wear supernatural perfume or have a natural smell that attracts supernaturals.

And I do think it's only supernaturals that he attracts since cats, who are heavily associated with yokai in Japan, love Natsuhiko, and Tsukasa says he smells 'yummy'.

Plus when he is walking with Nene, a delicious Kannagi, every monster has its eyes on Natsuhiko. They want to bite him, not Nene.

Assuming any supernatural finds his smell appealing, it would confuse Akane to think Natsuhiko smells real nice when no one else does, cause he hates the guy? What do you mean he is not wearing a strong fancy perfume and only Akane thinks he smells nice? What is going on? If he directly asks wtf is Natsuhiko's problem, he would not be helpful "Another victim, fallen for my irresistible wise senpai charm-"

They are a walking headache to each other.

The plan to get Akane's trust won't work in the end, no matter how much information on supernaturals Natsuhiko shares, or how many tea parties they attend to, so the inevitable betrayal would end in violence. Threaten Aoi, create a trap, make Akane be in serious danger so the other keepers are forced to show up and save him.

Perhaps, when Akane is dying and Natsuhiko looks down as he bleeds and resists and fights he realizes he does feel something more than apathy and frustration for Akane. But alas, it is not worth figuring out if is respect, admiration, care, or whatever, it's a bother regardless but still worthless since it would always end like this.

Now, let's slap a crush into this mess.

Natsuhiko's type is calm and quiet, harsh on the outside and kind on the inside. A beauty that feels unapproachable.

Which is both the complete opposite of Akane (Akane is loud and stressed 24/7) and spot on (Akane is harsh in his bluntness but kind at heart + he is a popular boy that others naturally orbit towards)

Natsuhiko getting a little crush on Akane would be a nightmare because he would not notice he has a crush. He has a strong belief boys can't like other boys, needing to 'become a girl' to excuse still having feelings for Sakura after she gets a male body.

So he wouldn't notice whatever positive feeling he got is a crush, but he would still be unbearable. Probably call him Akane-chan cause that's a feminine name. Cute.

Akane wants him dead and it has nothing to do with his bad guy vibes, it's mostly cause Natsuhiko flirts a lot. He insists it's nothing but he got that flirty vibe that is very punchable, like calling him 'kitten' and adding 'no homo' if Akane bluntly rejects him. Respecting his space when Akane is on edge but trying to test his luck and be touchy the second Akane shows any signs of lowering his guard, casual bro stuff like noggies. He will need a character arc cause Akane is sure he is either unbearable by nature or his ulterior motive is to go on a few dates with him and discard him after ike the playboy Natsuhiko is. He doesn't take his 'fondness' seriously at all but being harsh is pretty attractive to Natsuhiko, makes the rare signs that Akane cares appear all the more soft.

Imagine Akane saving Natsuhiko in a panic when he 'sacrifices' himself to a big beast (akane doesn't accept others pulling the 'I will die for you' card on him, not even other supernaturals), only to kick Natsuhiko back into danger the second this immortal and sturdy guy starts to swoon about how "Akane-chan is so kind, worried about me <3 " . That's the vibe.

Natsuhiko pays more attention and is more influenced by the people he like, so he would actually make an effort to figure out why Akane is so hardworking, and tries to be kind, to do little things to help him, which serves to confuse Akane but make him a bit more willing to accept his company. They are still a headache to each other but there is care, and way more confusion involved, since Natsuhiko may have to experience a lot of trial and error but his attempts to get closer to Akane and make him happy are genuine. Akane is way more indulgent than Sakura, so while he won't drink any suspicious love potion and things of sorts, he can be dragged to Karaoke and easily manipulated with a pathetic 'Akane-chan, I need your help pls :(' cause he has a helping complex. (Unless is after he catches Natsuhiko doing something morally reprehensible, in that case, Akane will not tolerate even breathing the same air as him and go full judgement more.)

Akane doesn't know how his life has been spiraling but he blames Natsuhiko.

Their difference in morals will always be cause for complications, but if it's in a canon universe it's worse, cause Natsuhiko will have to betray Akane, and hurt this strange new love that keeps him at arm's length but has shown signs of believing he can be 'less of an asshole' becomes an actual dilemma. Something he isn't used to.

Akane being the one to fall in love would be a completely different vibe, easier to imagine in a messier part of his life, when the clock keepers contract is still new and everything is more confusing, maybe he hasn't figured out that the accident with Aoi was staged to recruit him, so he isn't as wary and hateful of the supernatural world yet, relieved to see another fellow human familiar with supernaturals, since Teru is someone worthy of respect but still very violent and closed off.

Akane would also have a crisis and push aside the idea of being intrigued by this strange upperclassman, who smells nice and hides many secrets, cause the idea of falling for someone who isn't Aoi will destroy him. He is extremely stubborn and loyal. He will snuff the crush out by force, avoid him at all costs, be more susceptible to manipulation, althought not noticibly at first..

What if Aoi doesn't exist, what if is just Natsu?

Then he can be openly devoted, and the appeal is to ask the question "What would happen if Akane fell in love with a bad person?" How much is he willing to forgive, and change himself. What made him fall in love? What is a line he can't cross (ex murder) and how does he deal with Natsuhiko crossing it?

Akane is selfless and prioritizes making him happy, so Natsuhiko would feel kind of bad. He is so used to being ignored, that he says whatever, and being treated with respect or awe is so out of the norm?? He does have a conscience.

Natsuhiko admires love, and it is convenient that Akane will sacrifice his happiness for him and ask for nothing in return, but it leaves a heavy vibe you know? Like, it's cute that he'll blush if he casually puts his arm around Akane's shoulders and drags him close, as he does with his kouhais, but Natsuhiko is not a fan of the soft longing stares. He will make him do tasks though, if Akane is so happy to help, he can buy him sodas and sing his praises.

Let's light up a bit with simple mutual pining, no other crushes, no supernaturals.

They are both too bold and hopeless for pining, a confession happens one week during this scenario and any issue is solved with the power of love. Natsuhiko is having a crisis about liking a boy? No worries, Akane is more than comfortable with cross-dressing, I will never get over how he got offended they didn't let him crossdress if it would let him stay by Aoi's side in a volume cover, and Natsuhiko is easily swayed, this much devotion would make him accept Akane with or without a skirt. Is hopeless romantic to hopeless romantic communication.

As an established couple they are unbearable. They call each other "my boyfriend <3" and giggle about it like losers, and every daydream Natsuhiko has become true. Does Natsu want to be missed? Akane will mention how he wishes they lived together and how he longs for him in class and if asked he will write a song about how much he loves him. Does he like romantic dates? After taking Akane to three of those, Akane is already the one surprising him by preparing a candlelight dinner. Any gifts they give each other are well taken care of. There are hearts permanently floating by their head. Outsiders are horrified.

Natsuhiko wanted so bad to be the knight in shining armor, the reliable senpai, but Akane was built to be a worrier who doesn't vibe with asking for help, he is the one taking care of Natsu 90% of the time.

Imagine Natsuhiko daydreaming of having Akane run into his arms scared of an approaching storm, only to be startled by thunder and instinctively jump into Akane's already extended arms. That's the vibe.

Akane would find it cute too.

Marriage may scare Natsuhiko, or at the very least make him uncomfortable, a forever is a bit reckless right? Let's just enjoy the moment, haha. So Akane drops the proposals, but he still daydreams about it. His fear of marriage can make Akane possessive when Natsuhiko winks at any cute girl, but he knows Natsuhiko has fun with it, and that he loves Akane the most, so he is very forgiving.

Bonus: Their height difference is pretty nice. Natsu is a full stair step taller than Akane.

[essektheylyss]

for the ask game: 🧡🖤💚

🧡: What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with?

Until I see definitive proof that Ludinus is in fact as old as he wants people to believe he is, I will not believe it. I don't even really have an opinion on how old he is; I just don't think he's as old as he tries to suggest. And lest it be said that I am playing favorites, the thing about Ludinus is that he talks the way Essek talks in 91—and there are a lot of things Essek says at that dinner that I take with a good heaping of salt. It's this sense that they're talking around things that they would rather people not question; they're both very skilled at talking around things in a way where they aren't outright lying, but they'd rather you not think too hard about it because there's shit they're not saying. To be clear I also won't be mad if there does turn out to be some evidence in canon that he is that old, but thus far, there is nothing definitive, and I do not take the word of unreliable NPCs at face value.

🖤: Which character is not as morally good as everyone else seems to think?

I don't think this is really an unpopular opinion at this point, but Jester. Nice =/= good. I don't think she's evil, by any means! But her morality is a lot more complex than it's given credit for and I think it's one of the things that is most interesting about her. I'd actually consider her largely amoral; it's just not really an axis of consideration that she worries about. She doesn't want people to hurt her or her friends and she doesn't want something to destroy the world, but otherwise she doesn't really care much about what someone's morality is. "Just don't be evil to me" is an incredible sentiment for a reason. She cares more that Essek said they were his friends than the fact that he's the traitor they've been looking for. Ludinus is so insignificant to her despite his literally world-spanning evil plots that she has basically forgotten him six years later, even though two members of her friend group have spent the last six years trying to pin him down. Jester is hilariously amoral and I love that for her.

💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?

[cracks knuckles] OKAY, this is where I've got receipts, because hooo boy do I have an opinion and I will be proving it.

Essek does not have an opinion on the Prime Deities. He does not really have much of an opinion on religion. He actually does not by the end of the campaign have any real issue with the Luxon, and frankly he primarily expressed issue with the Dynasty's worship because, until he got to Aeor, he wasn't certain that the Luxon was a real entity at all—which he contrasts against the Prime Deities, in fact!—and he seems to believe there is compelling evidence in Aeor that categorically disproves his hypothesis that the beacons are simply constructed Age of Arcanum devices.

Originally he is mostly concerned that the Luxon religion is used as a "crutch" which is "distracting them from what other good things they could do with the time and focus". He does specify that any religion can be used as such, but he only remarks upon the one he knows. His theory about the beacons, as of episode 91, is that they may be "artifacts designed in the Age of Arcanum that have been misread" that could be put to even further use.

He also does parrot the Dynasty party line in their first meeting about the Luxon being "the basis of how we've been able to free ourselves from the binds of the lineage the Betrayer Gods left for us", and while I do not take him at face value here (see the above commentary about unreliable NPCs), I doubt the truth of this statement is lost on him, considering his familial connections to Bazzoxan, which I can only imagine would not exactly endear one to the Betrayers, though this is only conjecture. If we do care to take him at his word here, it's not unreasonable, since he obviously has a lot more interest in the power offered by the beacons than anything else.

With all that being said, his tune on the Luxon itself has at least changed by the time they get to Aeor. He discusses iconography found in Aeor and when prompted by the Nein about whether the beacons were created by mortals, says, "I do not believe that they are made by anyone but the Luxon. They are of the Luxon. But they've been around since the Luxon's been in Exandria, which is the beginning."

So we started with him largely apathetic to religion, uncertain if this god was real, and by the time we circle back to him, he has now sided fairly definitively with the fact that the Luxon is an entity that has been around since at least the Founding. (For those keeping track at home, this is longer than Predathos has been around. In the Dynasty's creation myth, it may also have been around before the Prime Deities arrived, which is technically not incompatible with the creation myth of Exandria at large, but I digress.) Like most of Exandria, and as is perfectly reasonable for both his culture and his region, he probably doesn't have any love for the Betrayer Gods, but doesn't express much opinion if any on the Prime Deities. He has no time for religion, but frankly, he doesn't have time for much except for his own research, so it's hard to really ascribe any noted contempt to that.

Like, look, I've written plenty of religious trauma Essek fic, and I don't doubt that that element of it exists, but overall, in terms of canonical statements, it's pretty tame.

With that being said, I do want to fast forward a bit to draw attention to something else. Because I actually do think he ends the campaign with some measure of respect for, at the very least, the Wildmother.

In 140 after the Raise Dead fails, he talks briefly with Fjord about the unfairness of it. Fjord passively directs him to "if you were to ask my wise friend Caduceus..." Immediately after this exchange, Essek challenges Caleb to not accept defeat, and admits he wishes there was more that he or any of them could do, but concedes that, "Unfortunately, this type of magic is beyond my purview."

Immediately after this exchange, Caduceus asks for divine intervention.

Of course, he then spends several weeks gardening in a temple to the Wildmother, and seems to find some genuine clarity and perspective there, but I think this alone is enough to argue that, for a person as driven by empirical evidence as Essek, this sequence of events in 140 would be plenty to earn a wizard's respect.

So my formal belief is that Essek is not in fact anti-god or anti-religion, let alone against the Prime Deities. My opinion is that it's very easy to imagine him on his post-campaign travels leaving a small offering at any shrine of Melora he might pass, not out of actual worship but as a sign of respect.

[tsbs-shipfessions]

Ship confessions?

S..Safe place to share rants?

Oh dear how should I say this...

(Warning for anyone not supporting SolarNexus I guess..)

As much as I like the story of how New Moon went deranged from grief and self deterioration: as in finally realising he can never satisfy this "family's" need of him to be thee og Moon himself. A carbon copy replacement with unrealistic expectations set at full high. (Even though factually thanks to Eclipses V1-4 transitions it's shown that it can't possibly be 100% accurate.) Failing again and again over and over till the event of Solar's death finally snapping him. Derailing himself to push everyone away to the point of losing himself entirely as Nexus.

And Solar valuing New Moon so much that he was in absolute distraught when the first thing he hears upon waking was that his best friend, HIS REASON OF HOME, lost himself so far in the name of lone desperation. A desperation he knows all too well thanks to his past Moon's ungracious reaction to unfortunate loss.

Solar knows what it's like to be alone and afraid. He can't possibly leave Nexus like the others like the flip of the switch! Because just as he gave mercy to Eclipse and Ruin, he'd give mercy to Nexus too.

The canon doesn't make any sense!

And, well, being a silent (yet intimidated from this fandom) supporter of SolarNexus...

The angst writer side of me wishes that this story didn't clap off to the cliche "power hungry" complex.

Why not have Solar continue to drive himself to find some cure or solution? In the name of friendship; to justify himself that he can fix it all before it's too late. To not lose another from his (falsely blamed and uncontrolled) faults. To be the reassurance of comfort Nexus so desperately needed.

Why not have Nexus secretly die inside whenever he speaks the words he does not mean; unwillingly pushing himself to the edge every time he starts to believe hope can be retrieved. Falling in the spiral that nothing is real and he has no right to feel and express. The moment Nexus felt like grasping on light is when strings of dark pull him to a choke to remind just exactly who he's working with. Why he even decided to make a deal with DarkSun. That no matter how Nexus puts it, he technically is a husk for dark star power. An element. Like a living battery for some bigger project he may not be entirely aware of. (And my best guess: a tragic death to Dark Sun's intricate plans.)

A reminder so cruel and twisted that Nexus can't possibly see a way out without Solar's guidance and safety.

Life was never fair for the both of them. They both suffered at being blamed and antagonised for things they had no proper control over. They both had self doubts and a sense that they were never home.

(For f--k's sake! Nexus was LOSING HIS MIND!! CRITICAL DANGER OF WELL BEING, and the "family" decided: Hey! Instead of actually getting him proper treatment, lets just lock him in a cell and keep calling him a villain for insulting people! An action he had no say over because HAHA he LoSt hIs mInD. Wha- eH- HUUEUUH???? NnNO???)

But ey! They were Home for each other.

That's why Solar and NM/Nexus's friendship worked so well! They had a sense of comfort to speak and express openly, to have negativity or concerns spill out without backlash. To actually live freely knowing they have each others back!

And I'd like to believe they'd still ache to have this connection again. That Solar would do whatever it takes to have Nexus free from his chains.

Not to be welcomed by the "family", but to be welcomed by Solar's own loving arms. To get proper care, proper help, proper recognition of all parts of Nexus. Both good and bad.

I really think there's tragedy love potential here. I wished to see them fight whatever forces against them to be together again. To get at least that ounce of safety within the chaos.

Whether it's fighting mental illness or dark star power. Who cares! They gonna be together again dAhM iT! Even if it's just a minute before tragic death from DarkSun or somethin! T-T

*COUGH* oUgh man.. what a doozy of a topic..

Thank you so much for reading! And for making this confessions blog! I appreciate it! Was really good to have this off my chest. Wish you and everyone reading a wonderful day/evenin! :)

I admire the hell out of your passion. This was a good read, and has a lot of neat points. Nice going, Anon.

[genderfluid-insomniac]

“Mother!” Asmodeus Alice x reader

Something must have been ticking off your demon lover because Asmodeus was quickly looking around seemingly looking for someone and rushing you outside to a different exit to the school. You barely recognized this path and remembered it used to be used for emergency evacuations, tugging on his hand intertwined with yours and effectively stopping you both entirely. “Alice, what’s going on? You don’t suddenly rush us out without saying anything and not to mention you rushed your goodbye to Iruma,” you asked and squeezed his hand.

If there was something that would remain a constant it would be the strong sense of pride and devotion in the relationship he had with Iruma and you. There were times when it seemed that he and Iruma seemed like were a couple romantically and more valued than yourself. However, Alice himself said that he wanted to uphold demon law proudly (which wasn’t a surprise to you) and he was glad someone wasn’t treating him like he was on a pedestal or oogling him. At first, you thought he took this bizarre path to avoid the other students who usually glared at you for “taking” Asmodeus and several students who shouted compliments or praises at him.

His quiet muttering of curses and vigilant watch seemed to say otherwise since he didn’t give them any attention unless they crowded you or insulted one of them. He was shaken out of his daze and looked back at you blankly, returning to his usual happy expression and carefully looking around before pulling you close. “I’m alright, beloved. I’m just wary of my mother since she’s home for a couple of days and has made it her goal to spend most of her time with me and my friends. No doubt that includes you too.” he said sweetly and smiled.

Alice wasn’t ashamed to be seen with you in fact he often went of his way to make it known you both were taken and in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately for him that didn’t ward off the people that would still flirt with you or deliberately mess with him via you. His mother wasn’t going embarrass him in front of someone he loved so much or have a chance to be flirtatious with you like how she was at the festival.

You laughed and kissed the back of his hand, beginning to walk forward but walking beside him this time and looking around for his comfort. “Okay. I know how you feel about your mother and all. We can go to my place instead but you know we’re going to have to meet eventually right?” you said and nodded. Alice seemed to have stopped being so hypervigilant hearing your words and relaxed, cupping your face with one hand and kissing your cheek. “No! I will not show fear in your presence. We will simply have to be careful. Although, I’m well aware of that Name but I would rather prolong that as long as I can.” he exclaimed and continued walking.

You laughed while you shook your head. “Love, you don’t have to seem strong for my sake,” you said. Smiling with him and eventually making it to his house. You and Asmodeus snuck around to one of the side doors and crept in, bumping into one of the servants who instantly guessed that the master was trying to avoid his mother and promising to not say anything. His house was elegant and gorgeous as always; its white, blank, and gold color scheme decorated the inside, and a big grand door signified that you both arrived at your lovers’ room.

Just as it seemed like you’d both achieved your goal a high sweet voice called out and footsteps came your way. Oh no. “Oh Alice!~ Who’s this cutie?~” Mrs. Asmodeus asked and looked you over before her son could get you behind her, gently pulling you over and smiling brightly at you as you nervously smiled back. “Hello Mrs. Asmodeus,” you said and were interrupted before you could introduce yourself but apparently the woman could put two and two together. “Oh! You must be Name! Alice has told me so much about you and you are much cuter than I thought but if he didn’t sweep you up then I-” she was interrupted and you were pulled back to your darling lover with an arm firmly around your waist protectively.

“Mother! That was incredibly rude! You don’t pull someone new and then interrupt them much less someone this important! Much less flirt and try to seduce my beloved!” he shouted and couldn’t hide the blush that crept up his pale face, growling and gently walking you both inside as he shouted that his mother surely had paperwork to do than “pester” his lover. Once you were inside you could see he had practically deflated out of shame and irritation so you cupped his face and pulled him down to kiss him softly. “Az it’s just you and me now and we knew this was going to happen sooner or later. How about we cuddle and relax? You said you wanted to finish reading that chapter when we got back so how about we do that?” you offered and that must’ve lightened his mood because he smiled lovingly, laughing softly and humming in agreement.

[lure-of-writing]

Art

Summary: Sometimes everyone needs to be reminded that they are more then what they think of themselves

Word count: 1.1k

Warnings: none

“Some people are artists. Some, themselves, are art. And you my sweet, sweet Azriel are art.” his piercing hazel eyes stare blankly back at you.  “You are art crafted by the gods themselves, and it has nothing to do with your looks, Az. And it has everything to do with your soul and who you are.”  Somewhere deep down Azriel knew you were talking to him but all he could focus on was the tears running down his face and colliding with your hands that gently cupped his face. All he could feel was the warmth and love radiating from your soul that was trying its hardest to pick up the broken pieces of his soul to help him put himself back together again. 

It wasn’t often that Azriel cried and even rarer that he cried in front of another person and just about damn near impossible that he would cry in front of someone who wasn’t his brothers, but here you are cupping his cheeks and wiping his tears all while reminding him that he is worth more than he thinks of himself. There was something so soft and tender about your words yet they were so strong and full of passion and Azriel could never bring himself to battle the words you so fiercely speak to him. 

“You are art in the way you look after everyone, constantly aware of our needs before we ourselves even think about what it is we need. Art in the way you are always willing to listen to us complain even if you’ve heard about the same story for the millionth time all while offering the most kind, considerate, caring advice because you listen every. Single. Time. “ he silently listens as you put emphasis on your last three words “ Your willingness to sacrifice yourself as long as it means your family is safe is beautiful, don’t get me wrong it scares me like no other to think of a world where you are not in it but none the less I think your willingness to protect your family at any cost including yourself is beautiful.” The sound of the fire crackling just a few feet behind where you sit on Azirels bed provides the only sound in the room and it is also the only source of light allowing you to see the striking eyes of the shadowsinger. 

“You give and give and give constantly to those around you but what about yourself Azriel? When will you realize that you have to take care of yourself before you can help others? I know that you think about all these endless possibilities where you are not a part of this family but I can tell you without any doubt that none of us would have ever let that happen. We need you as much as you need us, even if you are reluctant in acknowledging that part.” The small laugh that follows from your lips brings Azriel’s focus back to the present. His room is lit only by the fire casting you in a beautiful orange glow, and oh how he wished he could paint like Freye because he's never wanted to keep a memory to himself more than this one. 

The room once smelt like him now has the faint scent of your perfume wafting around in the air bringing him a sense of comfort Azriel didn’t know he even needed. He would never understand how he could need so little in life but he would always need you. The person who pulled him out of his darkest thoughts. Held him after the day had taken its toll and left him feeling like a failure. Prevented him from staying in his head when his thoughts took a darker turn than was acceptable. 

There are many things Azriel is grateful for but your existence is by far the thing he values most in his life. Rationally he knows that Cassian and Rhysand are unwavering pillars of friendship and family in his life but there was something so intimate about your late night talks when you pull him out of his self-deprecation that he could never have with his brothers. 

“Your soul is the most beautiful piece of artwork I have ever seen. But that's the thing about art Az, not everybody is going to like it and that's ok. But do you want to know a secret about art?” your hands release his face in favor of grabbing his hands to give them a reassuring squeeze. Once more you look into his eyes, the hazel eyes that you know will never tell you a lie and all you can see is the desperate need for reassurance that breaks your heart. Azriel may put on a facade but you always see past it. And what you see is a man who has been dealt a terrible deck of cards in this game called life and up until this point the only goal has been survival. But now it's time to teach him how to truly live, starting with learning to at least be at peace with who he is. Far later down the road will you teach him to love himself like you love him but for now you need him to know that no matter what happens in you lives you will always find art and beauty in who Azriel is, beyond his skills and talents because he has always been more than those things, he is his mind and thoughts and passions and hopes and dreams and he is someone who deserves to be loved. Without any conditions or hesitations. But whole heartedly and passionately. 

“Sometimes after the artist thinks they are finished with their work they take a step back and release they don’t love what they have created and that's ok for a few reasons. One, someone else may think that it's the most beautiful thing that they have ever seen. Two, the artists can always change things about their painting: add this, take away that, until they like the end result. This part has no timeline, no defined ending to when it has been perfected. And reason three, there will be people who look at the beginning painting and love what they see but the artists will be unhappy and change it however many times they need until they love it and those people who loved it the first time will love it at each and every stage until the final result is finished.”

“We are the artists and who we show up as to the world is the painting of our soul so if you don’t like it, keep painting until you are happy, and I promise you I will love it at every step of the way, because you my sweet Azreil are the most breathtaking piece of art I have ever seen. Do not let your clouded vision of yourself prevent you from seeing what I see, because it is beautiful.”   

[cloud-somersault]

Something that absolutely destroys me about shadowpeach is just the fact that they weren't "good" to each other. They loved each other, sure, but sometimes love just isn't enough.

They are "right person wrong time." They helped each other unintentionally go into a self-destructive paths, and the worst part is that only Wukong managed to get out of it before it ruined him.

Its just so fucked up, imagine you love someone and they love you but they are undeniably going into a path with no return but they do change and they become better, but only after you're gone.

Yeah, I think shadowpeach is compelling and interesting for the layers of tragedy it has. I really do think they're the "right person, wrong time" type of dynamic. If they met each other later on, there wouldn't have been any major problems; just ones they could address as they come up.

But I think...it's a great showing of how people can change each other. A chance interaction can change a person for life. We, as people, are made up of those interactions, the pain, the hurt, the love, the joy we've been shown and what we've given to others.

Wukong and Macaque were doing what they felt was right. In the way they felt was right. And they didn't know how to address it or be better, because confronting the communication issues and lack of respect and value means admitting there's a problem, and neither of them wanted to do that.

I don't think Macaque wanted to, he just wanted to put up with it and stay on Wukong's good side. He disregarded his own hesitations and doubts and believed in this person wholeheartedly instead of making his own decisions and choosing to go against the grain. It's hard to say "no" to the Monkey King, admittedly, but Macaque, probably, felt as if he couldn't.

In s4, he subtly tried to remove himself from the uprising against Heaven, but Wukong dragged him back in on the premise that they're "bros" and it'll be a fun "whatever" kind of time and not a life or death situation. Macaque saw that truth; Wukong refused to.

And that's a lot of Wukong's whole story - thinking he's invincible, that he's above everyone, that he's the handsomest and strongest and best ever. he was entitled and didn't like being told no. Very haughty and spoiled. A brat. He had sense and was funny and showed kindness when he needed to, but he was selfish, also.

Against all that, Macaque's in an odd position. They're friends, but Macaque is quiet. He's subtle. A shadow. Introverted and observant, he probably never felt as if his voice mattered or would change anything. But getting the attention of the Monkey King is a high honor!

And Wukong just thought Macaque was cool, another strong guy with shadow magic that he could get into mischief with. Someone like him!!

It reminds me of a dynamic you see a lot in media. The adventurous main character paired with a more shy and scared secondary character. The main character drags them around unwillingly into situations, assuring the secondary character everything will be fine. And, eventually, it takes the secondary character standing up for themselves for a change to occur.

And that's what happened in that cave.

There is tragedy...in someone you love changing after you're no longer in their life. But...it's more important that they changed at all. A lot of people don't. It's difficult to change. And Wukong was traveling (and was trapped) in this journey with people, learning and humbling himself along the way, learning friendship and love. It took that specific environment and discipline to change him, because changing the Monkey King?? Is a huge task, something that Macaque by himself couldn't do.

And that's said around this fandom like it's a bad thing. I know Macaque would see it as one, because that's his character, but...I don't know. I don't see it as one. Maybe you're not what that person needs, not at that moment, not at that time. And that's..okay. I think that's something we gotta accept.

Because we can't fix everyone. We can't hold ourselves to that standard. Just as I said before, people are collections of their interactions with others, and maybe those other people...are what Wukong needed at that moment. Maybe Macaque wasn't at a point in his life, maturity wise or life experience wise, to direct Wukong on the path to change. Maybe that wasn't his burden to bear.

Sometimes it takes a specific person to say something. With how people weave in and out of each others lives, I think the takeaway should be more "I'm glad you changed. I'm proud of you. You did it!" Like, let's focus on the end result, because...if people change for the better, than they can help others change, and maybe Wukong is the right person at this right time to help Macaque change.

[wistfulcynic]

it’s more than a little disturbing to me how many people loudly proclaim how much they hate or don’t care about Nate and his character journey, while with the same breath proclaiming how much they love Jamie’s. “Oh boo hoo, Nate has daddy issues,” i’ve actually seen adult people actually say. “So does Jamie and look at him!” 

Similarly: “Nate’s gonna be saved by the love of a woman? How boring and cliche!” 

Or: “Nate doesn’t have to be such a jerk. He has Ted as a role model. He should know better!” 

to anyone capable of saying that, you’re absolutely right. You don’t care about Nate or his journey and that couldn’t be more obvious. What’s interesting though is why. 

because here’s the thing about Jamie, and also about Ted. Two things they have in common--a massive ego and a rock-solid sense of self. 

remember Jamie in like the second episode of the whole series? “Coach, I’m me. Why would I want to be anything else?” 

yes, Jamie has a shit dad and he’s had a shit time of it in many ways because of his shit dad. But what Jamie has never had to face is a crisis of identity. He knows who he is and he knows his value. He can take hits and come back from them, he can acknowledge his mistakes and learn from them because at his core he still and always has that knowledge that he’s a superstar. 

then there’s Ted. Anyone who doubts that Ted is a full-fledged egomaniac, ask yourselves how much confidence it takes to preface every single useful thing you have to say with a meandering, folksy anecdote and be absolutely certain that every single person you speak to is going to not only put up with that but actively listen. That’s the kind of confidence that can only come from a particular kind of privilege, and while Ted also has been through tough times and experienced trauma he's a white man from a place where white men are at the top of every ladder and he has very clearly never doubted who he is or the value he possesses. 

Nate can't be Jamie and he can’t be Ted. Not just because it’s ridiculous to expect different humans to behave identically in situations that are only vaguely similar, but because Nate’s core problem isn’t that his dad withholds love or that the hostess at a restaurant is snide to him. 

his problem--which incidentally we’ve been shown from the absolute very beginning--is that he doesn’t have any confidence. He doesn’t know who he is, and the who that he thinks he is, is a who he doesn’t especially like. Nate can't be Jamie because to him every mistake he makes reduces his worth, and he doesn’t have that superstar core to shore him up. Nate can’t be Ted because the entirety of his lifetime experience has assured him that no one wants to listen to anything he has to say. Nate can only be Nate because he is Nate, and the only thing that he or any of us can be is ourselves. 

and yeah, who Nate is isn’t always especially pleasant. He’s shown he can be mean and he can be spiteful. So what? He’s flawed, as all the characters are. As all humans are. Plenty of us have meanness and spite in us, that doesn’t make us irredeemable monsters. Nate’s journey is about realising his value and finally receiving recognition for it. He’s a clever, capable strategist and a talented coach. Now that he’s finally seeing and being seen for that, he’s finding in himself the capacity to recognise and work on his flaws. Which he is doing. It’s not about getting the girl or finding redemption through the love of a woman. It’s about having the confidence to trust that another human is going to see him and like him for who he is. 

Nate isn’t flawed in a sexy asshole way like Jamie or a folksy wholesome way like Ted. He’s flawed in an uncomfortably human way that probably hits too close to home for many people. Jamie and Ted are larger-than-life characters. Nate is one of us. So in a way i guess it’s understandable that people have a harder time forgiving him his trespasses or “caring” about his redemption. 

on the other hand, however, you all might want to ask yourselves why you’re so willing to extend endless grace to the hyperconfident white men while offering the anxious brown one none at all. 

[cosmicjoke]

How Ash's Sexual Abuse Impacts His Perception of Himself Part 1:

I think one of the biggest mistakes people make in their understanding of Ash is in thinking, because he had the intellectual capacity to objectively view the abuse he suffered as wrong and to understand objectively that his abusers were bad people, that must also mean the abuse he suffered didn't have a genuinely negative and crippling impact on his perception of himself. Typically, you see people who make this argument also lamenting the ending of the story as "bad" or "unnecessary", or done for "shock value". They argue that Ash would have been able to recover from the sexual abuse he endured because he already showed an intellectual resistance to it coloring his perception of himself. But I think this is completely wrong, and I think, further, it only serves to undermine the seriousness of what Ash went through, what was done to him, by framing it as something simple intellectual prowess and fortitude should be able to overcomes, as if that's how the insidious nature of abuse and the ways in which it impacts its victims has ever worked. Emotion isn’t dictated by logic. How we feel isn’t dictated by logic. Being able to objectively acknowledge that something that's happened to you is wrong doesn't mean you haven't internalized the experience or will somehow be able to escape any and all feelings of responsibility and self-blame. Victims of abuse, particularly child abuse, can often objectively understand that what they went through was wrong, but they often still struggle with feelings of shame, rooted in the sense that the abuse must have somehow been deserved or otherwise a result of some failing on their part, which is also why you see victims of abuse often struggle to fully blame or hold their abusers accountable for what's been done to them. I think this very obviously applies to Ash, evident in his naked self-loathing displayed throughout the story, and there are so many examples throughout the story that prove without doubt that Ash's perception of himself has been impacted and terribly skewed by the abuse he's suffered.

So I'm going to go through just some of the examples of that evidence:

Example one. When Ash is forced to watch footage of himself being raped by Marvin, he reacts with evident shame, unable to even look at the film being shown, turning away from the screen and falling mute. He explodes moments later in this scene when Willard keeps badgering and harassing him over his age and his history of working as a child prostitute on the streets of New York, before again seeming to crumple and resigning himself to the things Willard is saying about him, insinuating that he's always been a bad person, always been a "whore", etc...

Example two: Ash weaponizing his sexuality. Ash often willingly puts himself into positions of letting others see and treat him as a sex object to advance his goals. This speaks to someone who is willing to sacrifice their sense of self-respect and dignity by allowing themselves to be abused or otherwise objectified, in the name of gaining an upper hand. What this tells us about Ash is that his sense of identity is wrapped up in the idea of being a sex object. He treats taking on this role almost as a natural extension of himself. He falls easily and readily into adopting the persona of a "whore" when it benefits him to do so. That doesn't seem like something someone would do who genuinely believed themselves to be above or to be better than reducing themselves to sex work. It speaks to someone who believes their dignity and body is an acceptable thing to sacrifice because it isn't worth anything, anyway.

Example three: Ash's father calling him a "whore" and Ash not at all seeming offended or angry about it, not even acknowledging it, simply brushing it off like it isn't a big deal at all. Almost assuredly Ash isn't offended by his father calling him something so derogatory because Ash, deep down, likely agrees with his father about what he is. We see other people who have abused Ash do the same thing, blaming him for their actions and accusing him of being a whore or a slut, acting as if Ash seduced them. The police back in Cape Cod do this to Ash, too, blaming him for his baseball coaches actions, telling him and his father that Ash must have done something to make Coach Peterson rape him. It only makes sense for Ash to have started to believe, consciously or subconsciously, that all these people telling him his abuse is his fault, must be right.

Example four: Again, we see how truly bereft of self-esteem and convinced of his own rottenness Ash is when we see him openly express here his genuine belief that Eiji will eventually grow "sick of him", and thus, get over being sent back to Japan. He genuinely believes that Eiji will eventually grow to hate him because he'll realize what a worthless person Ash is.

Example five: Relating to example four, how willingly and ready we see Ash is kill himself to save Eiji. This doesn't speak to someone who holds their own lives as very valuable. There are countless examples of this throughout the story, of Ash willingly sacrificing himself to save the lives of other people. He treats his own life and well-being like it doesn't matter at all, and that tells us that Ash doesn't see his own life or person as equivalently valuable to other people's. Again, this comes from suffering a lifetime of abuse and being told and treated as if he's nothing but an object made to fulfill the pleasure and satisfaction of others.

Example six: Ash having a literal mental breakdown while being held captive by Dino, referring to himself as a "living toilet" made for Dino and all of his other abusers to empty their sperm into whenever they got the urge. Ash starts to laugh uncontrollably at the idea of Dino wanting to make him the heir to his criminal empire, saying it's "the funniest thing (he's) ever heard". Ash sees it as a massive joke, laughing at the irony of being treated as nothing but a worthless object his whole life, only for Dino to want to make him his heir. Ash then says "Sorry, but I don't think I'm going to rise to your expectations "Dad".", and that's indicative of him seeing himself as only being suited to the role of being Dino's and others sex toy, expecting himself to fail at taking on the role of anything "better" or "higher" than that. He can't envision himself as accomplishing anything beyond his life as a criminal and a prostitute, because the abuse he's suffered and the life he's been forced to live as a result of that abuse, have conditioned him into believing himself to be worthless.

Example seven: Ash being willing for Max to use the photographs of him being raped for his article, saying "Dead people don't have any privacy to protect. Or any sense of shame". Again, we see Ash willingly allowing his own sense of dignity and well-being to be sacrificed here, despite the humiliation and shame it causes him to be seen the way the pictures depict him. He's saying here that he has no rights, and no right to even feel ashamed of himself, because this is just what he's always been. A sex object. A thing made for the pleasure of others. This so clearly demonstrates that Ash has indeed internalized this idea that's been drilled into him his entire life, that he's a worthless whore and nothing else, and so he shouldn't even attempt to preserve his dignity or sense of self-respect. He's expressing here that he has no claim to those things, and so it's pointless for him to fight for them.

There's other examples, but I can only fit ten pictures into a single post, so I'll be making a second to drive my point home that Ash's self-perception absolutely was negatively impacted by the sexual abuse he was subjected to. That, indeed, his sense of self-worth was deeply eroded by that abuse.