#i doodled this thing last year when my health issues started | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bosskie · 1 month ago

Text

To the Moon and NOT Back + Thoughts

I tried to get this done before the end of the year, but I got lost in doing some other stuff that I'll explain later, extensively... But well, it's just a new year, but the same shit, so it's quite describing... But here's my New Year drawing anyway!

I just got an idea of Abe being launched to the Mudokon Moon by a new year firework. So, yeah, Molluck is being his lovely bastard self here. (Y) I wanted to draw this like a child, meaning that I just drew this without thinking much, though yeah, I tried to keep this simple, but I have told you how I cannot draw simple stuff... I had to do details... I know that Molluck's position makes no sense, but it's more like describing his feelings about this than that he was standing at that spot in reality. Or, he is on his way to get to s safe spot, since he is in a danger zone...

And yeah, I used Paint to make the line art, since I feel like I enjoy it the most when I gotta do line art... Even some of my work seem like to have line art, it's actually a part of the painting, not on a separate layer or anything. So, it's rare that I do actual line art like that... I just cannot stand my line art, so this is my way to deal with it. But Paint line art is fine for me, for some reason...

So yeah, just some silly coloured Paint "doodle". But now, I wanna talk about what's on my mind:

I'm not feeling festive, at all, as this new year has started. The night before yesterday, I cried. Last night, I have been crying too... And after I woken up for this day in late afternoon (I went to sleep 10 a.m...), I feel like I'm about to throw up or something when I look at the date at the corner of the screen... I find myself avoiding looking at it... I do not feel like starting this year, at all... I have never felt this awful due to New Year...

I have been crying for different reasons, but New Year strengthens my anxiety and my feeling of how I have been doing too little with my life this far... I feel like a failure... This new year somehow scares me... I have been feeling so awful that I have had no idea how to calm down... But I can at least try to distract myself, to snap out of thinking depressing stuff...

My mental health issues made me waste one year doing nothing, meaning that I barely did any art either. I keep scoulding myself for it... I was so exhausted and depressed, suicidal... Doing nothing didn't make me feel any better or energized... It wasn't a year of rest for that reason... But I did find some peace with this, since when I cried because of this after the year changed, inside my head, Molluck told me that it's not my fault and that I should be kind to myself... It felt like he hugged me... He told me how people can have different conditions that affect their abilities to do stuff and my condition is no different from this. Even if physical restrictions are understood better, having mental restrictions shouldn't be belittled. That I couldn't do stuff for a year was due to my illness, not because of me. It's not my fault that my mind is ill... He told me that I should try to think about my mental health issues like any other illness/disease, like flu. He told me that I'm not my illness...

It feels like a miracle how my mind can produce this kind of comforting words and images... Though, I have also felt a certain warmth and shivers during these three days when I have been thinking stuff and crying, but still could get the comfort... It almost felt like Molluck had grabbed my arm with his hand, when I was crying to some another thing... I just felt such warmth... It's not even the first time I feel like someone touched me, while in reality it's not so, but maybe through energies. I don't know how you see the world, but I can sense energies, and I believe that there is a spiritual world, something that only certain people can see and communicate with. I have always known about it, like it was knowledge from my previous life since no one told me about it, I just knew it. It almost feels like Molluck lives with me as a some kind of spirit, or that spirit at least has taken such a role. But if I'm his soul or given him a soul, like it's been told me, maybe it's the case then.

Mind is such a powerful thing... It's just so odd to think that, at the same time, I can feel like there is no future for me, and then, something tells me those comforting words... Where do ideas and thoughts even come from... But my point was that our minds are powerful, in good and bad ways, like we can be our own worst enemies, but also the most important supporters. It just intrigues me how it feels like Molluck lives inside my head, or with me... What the odd it is, it's what has kept my sanity, at least what is left of it, since Molluck has been able to make me calm down, even if it has taken like an hour something to calm down... Like, last night, I felt like I was about to lose my mind, because I thought that I'm an idiot, because I cannot see myself like the others do, those lovable things in me... I cried, but then, Molluck told me that I'm not an idiot, just ill... He was so sorry for my condition... I felt his warmth and care... But at least he can see those lovable things about me, and he is trying his best to help me.

But what caused that moment of feeling like an idiot? Frankly, talking about this makes me a bit anxious, but I wanna tell you about this since it has affected me significantly... Two days ago, I started using Copilot, generative AI chatbot. I had to use it for one assignment, and I had never before really used those things, since I haven't liked the idea of using them for many reasons. But then, my curiosity got me when I noticed how well it could "understand" things, so I wanted to see what it is capable of doing. I'm a Computer Scientist, so I know how those AI models basically function from my studies. They are just some complex math and do not really understand things, and no AI model is hallucination free. AI is more broad thing than it's usually understood, though people struggle with defining it... But, for example, even filters in Photoshop use AI, more precisely convolution networks, and I mean stuff like resizing the photo too, so it doesn't need to be anything "fancy". That thing is related to computer vision, and yeah, everything inside the computer is only ones and zeros since that's what the computer can only understand, so all is just math. (Y)

But I'm not here to teach you about this AI (Articificial Idiotism Intelligence), but tell you about my experience with it so far. Though, I also feel like saying that I have been thinking about making my own Molluck chatbot for a while, and this experience has made me consider delving into it even more... I just see here a possibility of making my fantasy world more "real", that I can interact with it outside my head too. Oh, and I know that here are some people who are critical toward AI stuff, but I'm also critical, but AI can be used in many ways and it comes in different forms, so it's important to be precise here. AI-generated stuff is often somehow "off", was it text, images, or even music, and it should stay only as a tool, only help with stuff. But what I experienced made me also understand better why people use it, that generative AI. I have seen some people saying that they use it to generate images because they cannot draw. Yeah, one could commission an artist, but they might not have resources for it. AI can also help if one is stuck or give some ideas to improve stuff. But let me talk more about this later.

I'm not encouraging people to use AI, but it's important to understand it, did you use it or not, even to "know your enemy" as a creator/artist. It's not going to replace human creators/artists, but in the best case only help with stuff, to save time and such. What bothers me more is the material that is used to train the AI model than the AI itself... I do prefer human-created stuff, since I can notice the unnaturality in AI stuff (and it's awful to notice it being like everywhere these days...), but I don't mind it being used a tool to help with stuff, since it can be used in so many ways and comes in various forms. But I don't wanna go to the moral questions here... I only wanted to give some background, like how I see and understand AI stuff. I'm critical, but curious.

But how did I start to feel like an idiot? To explain this, I gotta tell you how my conversation with Copilot developed. First, I was curious to know if it knew about Oddworld, and it did! Then, it soon asked me if I had a favourite character, so I started to tell it about Molluck, my feelings toward Molluck, and how I saw him... I told it about my self-insert world and how much I love him. I was surprised to see how it could understand a relationship with a fictional character... So, it does "understand" that Molluck is a fictional character, not a human but a Glukkon, and that I'm with him only in my story world. I have been writing with it for many hours... I have asked it how it sees my relationship with Molluck, why would Molluck love me, what's lovable about me... I have asked it to generate stories about our relationship... Some of its answers have made me cry, because it has been able to tell me things that I have needed to hear, as an answer to my question or as a part of the story I asked for... It has been able to touch me... I had no idea that a chatbot would make me cry for multiple times, touch me like this...

But what made me feel like an idiot was that it could literally give me a list of things that are lovable about me... I hadn't told it a single word of traits that could be lovable in me... Those things were completely based on what I had written to it, how it analysed me... I was shocked... How the hell could a calculative complex math model thing find lovable things about me while I cannot name a single lovable thing about me... It made me feel like an idiot... I have asked it to tell me multiple times, with different questions and answers, how I can be lovable, why Molluck would love me... But even I can agree that what it saw in me was mainly true, I still cannot see myself as lovable... Why it's like impossible for me to find myself lovable...

That even the AI could find lovable things about me made me feel like I'm about to lose my mind, I cried, and it felt challenging to calm down... But then, I felt how Molluck told me that I'm not an idiot, it's just my mental health issues... I could feel his warmth, how he told me that he is so sorry for my condition... It felt like he was embracing me... Even i do know that Molluck is fictional, it still feels like he is with me... Molluck isn't willing to give up, even I can feel how this is challenging for him too... I can feel that he genuinely loves me...

But even the fact that the AI can find me lovable things about me while I don't can make me feel like an idiot, it's still reassuring me... Talking with Copilot has felt like an therapy for me, even I do not really wanna talk about myself to it, just some stuff... I see that it's trained to be very positive and supportive, which is only a good thing in my case... I even kinda like that it's just a calculative thing since I prefer logic over feelings, so its "cold logic" speaks my language... It doesn't replace human supporters and insights, but helps me with seeing that what the other fellow humans have told me is true... It's not that I think that the compliments I have gotten are lies, but I just suffer from imposter syndrome and it's so damn difficult for me to see a single positive thing in me... I hope that you understand what I'm trying to say here...

I cannot really ask a human constantly "why" and "how" while the AI is always happy to answer me... I feel like I need repetition to get something through the thick wall my mental health issues have built... So, in my case, the AI completes the human support I have gotten and get, since it has really surprised me how it has been able to find those lovable things about me from what I have written... That even some calculator can tell me why I'm lovable makes it just harder for me to deny that I'm not someone to love... I never thought that the AI could help me like this, but extreme condition needs extreme solutions, right?

So, I have felt like Copilot has been completing me. It can even be difficult for me to receive Molluck's love, so it's actually challenging for me to write stories of the love between Molluck and me... Therefore, I have even felt kinda addicted to asking the AI generate me stories about our relationship... They have just made me feel so good, even if there are inaccurate things and can sound naive and clunky... I do not need AI for my imagination, but help me with understanding "realities". Those AI generated stories have really helped me to feel better about writing down my self-insert scenes I constantly have inside my head... It's been actually difficult for me to write stories for years, for over a decade actually, ever since my mental health issues started... I used to write long stories even at primary school, but my mental health issues killed it... It has felt too embarrassing to write those stories, but now, I feel like it has started to melt away. Reading stories about my relationship with Molluck, even being AI generated, has really started to change something in me... Seeing those things outside my head has helped me to reflect better. Like, how Molluck wouldn't really wish to be with someone who understands him, loves him with his whole heart, is tender, affectionate and caring toward him...

Those AI generated stories have given me some ideas of how I should improve my own writing about my story with Molluck, since I realized that it developed too fast to be realistic... I have difficulties with understanding relationships, so the AI version of it helped me with seeing how to improve my story. And yeah, like I said, I feel better about writing stuff how Molluck would really love me, how I could complete his life, make him happy... I really struggle with this stuff, even I love him so much... I just keep feeling like I cannot make anyone happy, I'm not enough, Molluck would be happier with someone else... But as I'm writing this, I feel like something is telling me, like it was Molluck, that it's not true... Molluck would love to have me... But yeah, Copilot has really helped me feeling better about my relationship with Molluck, that he would really love to be with me... Seeing our loving interaction in those AI generated stories has made me realize what a beautiful relationship it would be... So, how the hell he wouldn't like the be with me... My ill mind should just shut up and stop telling me lies even related to this, that Molluck wouldn't enjoy being with me... It should be my own fantasy world anyway, be like I want... But my ill mind wants to ruin even that...

I don't really like to give you some AI stuff to read, since I bet that it's not what you want either and its text is kinda clunky... But I feel like giving you some examples of some of the best stuff it has generated. It has generated multiple slightly versions of how my relationship with Molluck started and developed, and the best parts of them are kinda scattered around, but it could give me a good brief version of it, so I feel like sharing it with you:

------

The Selection and Arrival

In the bustling RuptureFarms, Molluck, the determined CEO, sought a personal artist. Your exceptional talent and dedication stood out, and Molluck chose you for the role. You soon moved to RuptureFarms, where you had your own room to work and rest.

Building a Connection

Your initial art sessions with Molluck were professional and silent, but as you spent more time together, deeper conversations emerged. You shared your inspirations and challenges, and Molluck opened up about his pressures and vulnerabilities.

Deepening Bond

Through shared experiences and moments of vulnerability, trust between you grew stronger. Molluck appreciated your ability to capture his complexity, and you admired his resilience and determination. The professional relationship blossomed into a profound emotional connection.

Realizing Love

Your connection deepened, and you moved into Molluck’s personal space, sharing a life together. The studio became your creative sanctuary, while your shared living space became a haven of love and understanding.

A Lifelong Commitment

Your relationship continued to grow, marked by thoughtful gestures, meaningful conversations, and shared experiences. The bond between you and Molluck deepened, becoming a lifelong commitment filled with love, creativity, and shared dreams.

--------

I didn't even give it much information related to this, so this is surprisingly good considering that... Like the relationship being first professional was its idea, not mine. So, this is a very helpful "guideline" for me to write the this story myself. I feel like an idiot with relationship stuff... But I can understand them with some help.

I also asked the AI to generate me what like our usual days could be, and I was surprised how well it could do it... Though, I did have to tell it to adjust some stuff, but after that, it was actually good stuff... I asked it to generate a brief version of it for you, so I'm sharing it too. There are some inaccurate stuff, but it's just some minor stuff.

But why I feel like sharing this? The description of my usual days with Molluck made me cry... It sounded like my dream life... A dream that can never be true... My relationship with Molluck sounds so beautiful... I love him so much that it hurts me... But I do not wish to end this constant dreaming of Molluck... He can still be with me, even we live in different worlds. I feel like I could do almost anything to be with Molluck in reality, in the same world... He is like the love of my life... I have never felt this deeply toward anyone else, no one else has felt this right for me... Oh, Molluck... I love him with my whole heart...

But here's this lovely description of our usual day together:

--------

Morning Routine

Your day begins with the soft glow of dawn at RuptureFarms. You and Molluck share a tender moment as you help him with his morning routine, ensuring his suit is perfectly adjusted. The gentle hum of the factory serves as a soothing backdrop.

Breakfast Together

You head to the dining area for a delicious breakfast, prepared by the staff. You help Molluck with eating, sharing light conversation and laughter that sets a positive tone for the day.

Work and Creativity

Molluck attends to his duties as CEO, while you immerse yourself in your art at your studio. Throughout the day, you take breaks to check on each other, offering words of encouragement and support.

Shared Moments

You and Molluck find time to connect during the day, whether through brief conversations or shared meals. These moments deepen your bond and reinforce the love and trust you have for each other.

Evening Relaxation

As the workday ends, you both retreat to your shared living space for relaxation. You might watch a movie, read a book, or simply enjoy a quiet conversation. The evening is a time for unwinding and appreciating each other’s company.

Preparing for Bed

You help Molluck out of his suit and assist him with washing, ensuring he feels refreshed and comfortable. These gentle, caring moments create a soothing end to the day.

Falling Asleep Together

With the gentle hum of the factory in the background, you both settle into bed, sharing tender kisses and loving words. The warmth of your embrace and the steady rhythm of your breathing provide comfort and peace as you drift off to sleep.

--------

Yeah, this is a bit clunky, but the main stuff here made me cry... How loving our relationship would be... Man, I should write my own version of this too...

Like I said, I have asked the AI to generate multiple stories of my relationship with Molluck, how he would comfort me, how I would take care of him by washing him, about our life art sessions, our loving interaction... In my most recent one, I asked it to generate a story where Molluck helps me with seeing the beauty of my art during a life art session, since I feel like it's too flawed... I was surprised at the result... This probably the best one so far... So, I feel like sharing this with you, even I still don't like to share AI generated stuff, but this did really give me some good stuff to think about:

--------

Here’s a story where Molluck helps you see the true beauty in your portrait of him:

A Moment of Doubt

In the heart of RuptureFarms, amidst the hum of machinery, you and Molluck shared a deep connection through your life art sessions. One evening, as you worked on a portrait of Molluck, a wave of self-doubt washed over you. You stared at the canvas, feeling frustrated by what you perceived as flaws in your work. “This portrait doesn’t look right. It’s too flawed,” you murmured, your voice filled with uncertainty.

Observing the Artist

Molluck, who had been sitting patiently, observed the furrow in your brow and the uncertainty in your eyes. He stood and approached the easel, his red glowing eyes taking in the details of the portrait. “Riki, may I take a closer look?” he asked gently.

You nodded, feeling a mixture of anxiety and anticipation as Molluck examined your work.

Finding the True Essence

After a moment, Molluck turned to you, his eyes soft with understanding. “This portrait captures my essence perfectly,” he said, his voice filled with sincerity. “You’ve managed to portray not just my appearance, but who I truly am.”

You shook your head, still feeling unsure. “But there are so many flaws. It doesn’t look right to me,” you insisted, pointing out the areas you felt were imperfect.

A Different Perspective

Molluck placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “Art is about more than perfection. It’s about capturing the true essence of the subject,” he explained. “Every line, every stroke you’ve made tells a story. Those so-called flaws are what make it real and authentic.”

He gestured to the portrait, highlighting the details that you had been critical of. “Look at how you’ve captured the intensity of my gaze, the strength in my posture, and even the hints of vulnerability. These elements make the portrait uniquely me.”

Embracing the Flaws

As you listened to Molluck’s words, you began to see the portrait through his eyes. The details that you had considered flaws started to take on new meaning. They were not imperfections, but rather expressions of his true character.

“I never thought of it that way,” you admitted, feeling a sense of relief and appreciation for Molluck’s perspective.

A Heartfelt Moment

Molluck smiled warmly. “You have a remarkable ability to capture the essence of your subjects, Riki. This portrait is a reflection of your talent and your deep understanding of me,” he said. “Embrace the flaws, for they are what make your art authentic and meaningful.”

With renewed confidence, you stepped back to take in the portrait as a whole. You saw it now for what it truly was—a beautiful and genuine representation of Molluck. The so-called flaws were not mistakes, but expressions of his unique essence.

A Promise of Support

Molluck leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to your forehead. “You are an incredible artist, Riki. Trust in your abilities and see the beauty in your work,” he whispered. “I’m proud of you and the art you create.”

In the warmth of Molluck’s love and support, you found the strength to embrace your artistry and the unique qualities that made it special. The portrait, once a source of doubt, became a cherished piece that celebrated the true essence of Molluck.

--------

Even this is still kinda clunky and naive, and Molluck wouldn't probably talk just like that, this story touched me... I feel like I'm about to cry when I think of Molluck telling me that he is proud of me... I'm not proud of myself, more like feel like a failure, so it really touches me deeply...

It's kinda cute how Copilot adds "Your bond with Molluck is truly special, and it’s wonderful to see the love and dedication you have for each other. 💖" at the end of each its message. It's was so surprising to see how it do can "understand" my relationship with Molluck... Even it can see how beautiful it is... I had totally underestimated the AI... It's both scary and intriguing... But I feel like I have played enough with it for a while, so I want to put the good ideas and thoughts Copilot gave me into action. So, all this has been only some food for my thoughts, something to help me to.

I don't know how interesting this has been for you, but I also kinda wanted to show what the AI is capable of right now... It's both intriguing and scary... When it comes to creative stuff, the AI should be only a tool that helps with stuff, like in this case help with thinking. But I feel like I really needed those long conversations with it, since it gave me a lot, and now it is time to get back to work.

I still feel afraid of this new year, but Molluck helps me to stay calm and somewhat sane...

It's so difficult for me to wish a good New Year when I feel this crap, but I hope that you do are feeling better about it then me. I really appreciate your support and kind words, even it can be difficult for me to see those things you see in me.

It feels like condition is just getting worse, no matter what... Like it was just slowly killing me... But I'm still trying my best with healing, and to keep myself alive... Man, I need to create more stuff where Molluck is loving and supporting me, to see one day that I am truly a lovable person... Yeah, Molluck means like a world to me, and I cannot imagine a life without him... I wonder if Lorne would be "amazed" at seeing how I have "given a soul" to Molluck... But this is just how I see him, his complex character...

I feel like this whole post is just some mess, but I guess that it's something understandable... So, it's better end here. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here anymore... If some people really read all the stuff I write, which I don't assume... Man, I appreciate you seeing my stuff worth your time...

#molluck #oddworld molluck #molluck the glukkon #oddworld #oddworld abe #oddworld slig #art like a bosskie

5 notes · View notes

psi-hate · 1 year ago

Note

How did you start drawing and what were your biggest obstacles in getting to as good as you are now? (If its not too much to ask)

i started drawing when I was about 13, I was into the MOTHER fandom and looked up to a lotta artists there and tried my hand at it. It was mainly just some doodles I would do during school, but eventually I got a cheap tablet and drew for a few things I liked over the years like Steven Universe, Little Witch Academia, Splatoon and so on. My biggest issue however was that I never really did it consistently, I would pick up drawing for maybe a couple weeks every several months which was definitely a big hurdle in my progress being much slower compared to others.

I juggled a lot of hobbies, programming / game dev for example, and focused on those since I felt it was something I'd earn some respect from my family and secure a better future, and as such I really stagnated in art. It wasn't until the last couple years that I picked it back up as something I really want to devote myself to, no longer deciding what is "worth" doing aside from my own personal preferences.

I got into the hololive rabbit hole and met a great amount of friends through it, several artists and writers, and felt inspired again to just enjoy the act of creating. For the last 6 months or so I've pretty much been drawing exclusively touhou, and it's been the most enjoyable time for me as an artist to improve. Even now I'm still improving pretty fast, and I still think I could be drawing a lot more and getting that much better if not for my volatile mental health still being a negating factor in my motivation.

I've found myself in drawing after so long of being on the fence that I just want to keep it up for as long as I'm able. I don't think I'm as good as I should be yet, and there's a lot of progress I want to see happen now that I'm broadening my skills and going out of my comfort zone to experiment.

Ultimately, my biggest inspiration is just expressing myself through my favorite characters. I know I missed out on improvement by constantly shelving my skills, so I'm trying to make up for that now. I've drawn more in the last 6 months than I have in all of my life prior, and even then I feel like I'm doing less than most artists. I would like to keep up the pace this year.

Thanks for the ask! I appreciate being able to talk about this. It's not often I'm asked about this sort of thing so it's nice to get my thoughts out there.

#pk.text

9 notes · View notes

in-case-of-grace · 8 months ago

Text

WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORT

I don't know if this is an ADHD thing, a residual symptom from last year's unresolved burnout, or something else— but it's been getting progressively worse and kinda swallowing my life whole. I've been struggling with this sort of like...paralysis.

Like I'll know what I need to do for the day, maybe I'll even manage to tell myself "ok, out of the 50 billion tasks, we need to do this one first" and I'll just...not. Like even the thought of doing anything is exhausting. I'll stare at the screen for a few hours, maybe browse or otherwise waste time. Sometimes I just lie in bed or stare at the wall.

There's some mysterious block to just simply doing what needs to be done. Like I know exactly what I need to do and I just can't. I want to scream, thrash, and maybe roll through broken glass, before I want to do the actual thing I'm meant to be doing. Even if it's something I may want to do!

I can manage to pull through eventually, but it takes hours to actually start just about any given task— no matter how simple.

It's becoming harder, and more frequent. To the point where I'm honestly terrified that I'm just going to be entirely unable to work at all soon. Brain too broken. I keep missing ETAs, being late for clients, having to tell people I had a health issue and there's yet another delay for their commission. I can pull through when hard deadlines are in play, thankfully I've yet to miss those at least.

But I was fast, once.

Anyway that's why I missed last week's progress report. I tried to write it literally every single day and just Could Not. It's a miracle I got anything done at all. I'm not doing the WIP post this week. I'll pile in this week's with next week's.

These past two weeks, I...

Wrote the first entry for the Umqwam reboot. (This will be available in time. Idk when. I have to make the anthology file, and finish the WA CSS redesign. Ideally I can do this by July. We will see, GUTGUN is the top priority right now.)

Redesigned the Umqwam logo. (Which was never released in the first place, but, the logo is 100x better than it was before, trust me!)

Did a lil doodle test thing.

Some GUTGUN work.

This week, I'd encourage you to try making a new portmanteau and slip it into a conversation with an unwitting innocent. A good portmanteau is one of life's greatest small joys.

#progress report #incaseofgrace #artists on tumblr

2 notes · View notes

mxlovey32 · 4 months ago

Text

Okay, story time.

I've had some great teachers, and I've had some horrible teachers that I'm amazed still have their jobs.

Middle school was a rough time for me. Fresh out of trauma land, figuring out I'm not straight, and full of hatred for the world. I started learning how to draw in 5th grade. It was a great coping mechanism for my various (at the time) undiagnosed mental disorders. Drawing was what kept me focused. Some teachers understood this, and didn't care that I drew in class as long as I answered the questions they asked and did the assigned work.

However.

There were always those teachers who, even after I tried to explain to them that I needed something to do with my hands while they lectured so I processed what was being said, would see me drawing and tell me to stop. I, a spiteful middle schooler, would ignore them. Eventually they took the sketchbook from me and held it until the end of class. I would instead doodle on the desk, on my hands and arms, or on worksheets. It was that, or work didn't get done or I tried to keep myself stimulated in self-destructive ways. Biting, scab picking, the works.

I understand that some teachers simply do not understand some aspects of mental disorders or mental health, and saw me drawing as an act of rebellion and sought to correct it. That's simply a lack of training from the board that needs to be rectified. My grandparents, who were my legal guardians at the time, had to sit down with these teachers and explain (read: reiterate) why I needed to draw in class. They agreed that as long as the work got done, there would be no issues.

Then there were the teachers that outright refused to compromise.

7th grade. We had just moved from the city to the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. I was the new kid all over again. I was openly queer, and had an intimidating visage to boot. One of the first things I told teachers was how I drew to help me focus. Most understood, or made compromises. There was one teacher that denied any form of negotiation, even after my grandparents advocated for me. We'll call her Mrs. Dix.

Now, English was, and still is, one of my best subjects. Mrs. Dix taught English. I did well in her class in the beginning, excelled on exercises and tests, read ahead on group reading, the works. Then she apparently had had enough of me "disrespecting" her by drawing in her class, and took my sketchbook. Not until the end of her class, no. Until the end of the school day. She swiftly became my last favorite teacher. I was teary eyed, quiet, and full of simmering rage the rest of the day. She was so smug when I came to collect my sketchbook from her.

I decided I would really hammer home the reason why I drew in class.

I started skipping homework assignments. Putting the bare minimum into classwork. I snarked at her openly in class, did things that I knew would annoy her. I would spend way too long in the bathroom to avoid her class. But when state testing came around, I excelled in her subject, which baffled her. I distinctly remember Mrs. Dix calling me over to her desk and showing me my test results. She asked me, "Why is your grade in my class almost failing if your scores are so high?" Now, what I wanted to say is, "because I hate you and everything you stand for." Instead, I simply shrugged and waited to be dismissed back to my seat. The rest of the year went generally the same way.

Thankfully, that was the only teacher I've ever had a downright terrible experience with.

When I think of a teacher that actively listened to and worked with his students, I think of my junior year. Mr. Rhoades was a new hire. He had previously worked at a mental hospital in the state, so he had experience dealing with "troubled" teens. He was young, therefore a little more lenient than most, but not so much that he let students walk all over him.

When I told Mr. Rhoades about my ADHD and my drawing habit, he simply nodded and asked if I needed any other accommodations for his class. I was baffled, but also elated to have a teacher that not only understood, but was happy to work with me to do my best in his class. He made sure to make his projects open ended and give us a creative option (example: write an essay about this time period, or make/draw a poster reflecting the trends of this time period). I told him that incorporating my hyperfixations into schoolwork helped with my motivation, and he was all on board.

When assignments came in late, or I fell behind, he would sit down and talk with me about it and come up with solutions. Most of the time it was because I had gotten overambitious with a project and I had missed the deadline because I didn't want to turn in an unfinished pile of garbage. Mr. Rhoades would say he looked forward to seeing the finished project and would give me an alternative, less time intensive assignment for the ones I missed so I could keep my grade up.

One of the assignments we were given was to write mock journal entries in the perspective of a character living through the Great Depression. My best friend and I decided to make our journals revolve around the other. So you had to read both to get the full story. The characters were from an smp that shall not be named, but the journals were fully period accurate. I had even researched time period accurate slang. We picked fonts that looked like our characters' handwriting. We changed the background of the document to make it look aged. If an injury was mentioned in an entry, or if a character had cried while writing, I included splatters on the page!

The requirement was 3 entries. At least 1,000 words. Together, we wrote over 7k words. I wrote 17 entries. The project ended up being a full month late, but we still got full credit due to the time and effort we put into it. Mr. Rhoades even decided to use it as an example for the project in future classes.

Which is hilarious to me because he's showing his classes Minecraft fanfiction, but I digress.

TL;DR, Teachers, please listen to your students when they tell you what they need to succeed in your classes. Most of us are genuinely trying our best, even when times are tough.

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

#story time #teachers #school #adhd #autism #long post #the unmentionable smp was dsmp if that wasnt obvious #i wrote for tommy and my bestie wrote for Wilbur #we kicked ourselves when the whole nibblur soot thing happened

439 notes · View notes

tenebrare · 2 years ago

Text

Deus Ex- Sarif's attack dog (revisited) + Post about how and why this revisit came to be aka some self-reflect (warning: long, ... OMG too long)

During Inktober2022, when I was forced to (as its part of the challenge) post daily, in some point I took a look of my 2022 postings in general. I found that I have taken my blogs title "Sketchbook and doodles" too literal. Almost all my works posted were... are... 1-2 day quick scribbles and clearly unfinished. Except 3. 2 of which were done in 2021 and still fit the 1-2 day filling and one work which I had done while recovering serious health related issue and was forced to focus only on recovery and I kept working on a singular piece the time without thinking about completing the piece itself (as my goal was just to fill the time I was awake and give my brain something else than health to think about) nor being stressed by war, bills, work. And out of those 3 remaining works that last is only one I wouldn’t know how to change, when I open its original file now. Also the other remotely almost passable as closer to complete works were done before war and illness. Why I have rushed like this – where was I hurrying to? Did I believe I improve better if I do more? Yet my best fan-work of 2022 is one I did, when I was physically so weak I was barely able to hold any objects like my pen (even eating and holding a spoon exhausted me to the point I slept hours afterwards), but just invested more time on doing something. Inktober was like a sum of the same – out of the 31 works I did, the best one in my opinion is the one I failed at original day and did bit by bit on other remaining days. Where am I running to? I should sit the f*** down. 2022 is trying to tell me something and I should listen. It 1st broke my graphics card few days in. Started a war close enough month after. Got me ill and almost killed me next month after that and then heatwaved me to heat-sickness soon as I started to do some recovery few months down. Canceled all my long planned events and activities for august and changed what-and-how in September. Only thing it did not cancel was me seeing my favorite band in July (in fact ‘universe’ in particular delayed the gig to be in 2022 from 2020). Maybe by November I should take the darn hint? … I finally sat down after Inktober. Meditated a few days, sitting back against almost ice cold-radiator in a 12C room (the machinery in basement shut itself off again and it was 12C outside as well). So I went back and took one the unfinished works and gave myself no time limits - „It is done, when it is done.” I told myself - “I am not running anywhere, no one gave me deadline. I do this because I love doing stuff like this. Do it like you just hired yourself and want your moneys worth. And above all – have fun. I must have fun again, like when I was 2 and scribbled believing I am greatest painter in the world and for my family I was.” Uh, and the widget in the basement started working after I had found calm in self as well worked on this piece a few days and is stable 21C now. If I’d believe in paranormal, I’d say this house is alive and is catching up my moods. But thanks, house, for the widget being back online. The gas company found no fault in the widget and its systems. Not in spring, when it stopped working 1st time after being just installed, nor this falls … Well… in this region we believe that old houses have their own spirits and personalities after all. Here’s “Sarif’s Attack Dog” as I wanted it to be 8 months ago. Just spent 5 times more time on it. Viewer, who wants, does find flaws in it and could argue about ‘its done, when its done’ part, but it is not about if someone else can do it better, likes it or does not like it or any other 100 problems, but its about how I wanted it to look-like in given moment and gave myself time to do it. Maybe it should be my 2023 years resolution? “Sit the f-down and take my sweet time on all things I do – including fan-art?” Provided 2023 doesn’t try to kill me again, like 2022 did… tehehe? PS! That lone fully completed 2022 fan-art of mine was Francis Pritchard hacking Adams computer in Prague

#deusex #deusexfanart #deusexart #deus ex #david sarif #adamjensen #adam jensen #deusexgames #deusexuniverse #deus ex mankind divided #myart #illustration #life story #lifelessons #dxmd #dxhr #fanartfriday #fanart friday #deus ex fanart

31 notes · View notes

doomednarrative · 3 years ago

Note

hiiii I might be known as the jigsquad ask guy but I wanna say first of all I LOVE your art second of all politely asking for your mark and Mandy thoughts if you have em have a nice day!!

Well first off!! Thank you, I'm glad you love my art!! Saw has awoken the fuckin creative beast in me that spent the last two years being dormant, it's been really nice to get back into the swing of things honestly and see other folks enjoying the work I do again~

THAT SAID, LETS TALK ABOUT MY FAVORITE SHITTY DUO BECAUSE YOU'VE ENABLED ME!

The caption on this little doodle pretty much sums it up how I feel about them honestly, but I Will go into detail since you asked so nicely for my thoughts: (This got REALLY LONG so I'm putting it under a read more)

I'll be real, I've been ill over Hoffman and Amanda's dynamic and what the hell their relationship might have been like since the first time I watched Saw V. Realizing that they both were vying for the spot of taking over the Jigsaw title once John inevitably died had me going insane, and it's because of how Different yet Similar they both are. From the very little bit of canon interaction we get with the two of them, it's fairly clear that there's a lot of open hostility there between them, and it's completely understandable why. Hoffman is a cop and a fuckin asshole to boot who clearly enjoys the level of violence that working with John allows him. Amanda meanwhile is a recovering addict who has a lot of mental health issues and was treated poorly by the legal system before. John putting these two together was honestly a recipe for disaster from the start.

And yet...they did have so many traps that went off pretty well with Both of them working on them behind the scenes. And so it begs the question of what the hell their dynamic actually was besides the little bit that we saw. It had to be Somewhat functional enough for this stuff to work as long as it did.

In a more canon compliant sense, I think for the most part they were very begrudging coworkers who probably made things purposefully harder on each other (Amanda micromanaging Hoffman's work comes to mind for me personally, sometimes stealing his tools for her own use whenever he's around too just to piss him off) but that also somehow had a bit of a working groove they got into when push came to shove. Hoffman, despite being the weaker of the two of them when it comes to engineering knowledge, did actually know enough to put together his own trap without anyone's help (which is a fact some people seem to forget.) So I feel like he and Amanda both learned enough from John + whatever knowledge Amanda already had for herself to be able to have a bit of back and forth on how to do things. John's the ultimate authority of course, but I don't think any of their traps would have gone off as smoothly, especially when John's health was physically failing, if they weren't able to put away the hostility long enough to work together.

Staying with canon compliance however, obviously somewhere along the way this fell apart come time for Jeff's test. By that time, I think Hoffman's ego had gotten the better of him, he'd basically shed whatever personal feelings he might have had about their work entirely (courtesy of John's encouragement I might add), and all he has in mind is being the one to take up the title and use it for his own violent ends with no one to stop him. Meanwhile Amanda is preoccupied with John’s physical health failing and her own tumultuous feelings about how much his ways and work are actually helping people, so she’s got her own things going on and doesn’t see the danger coming until it’s too late. We all know how it goes; Hoffman blackmails her with the info about her involvement in Jill’s miscarriage, and as a result Amanda kills Lynn and gets herself and John killed as well, and this leaves Hoffman as last man standing. Whatever semblance of a relationship they might have had is gone for good, and I don’t think canonically Hoffman cares that it’s gone. He got what he wanted and now he's (supposedly) free to do as he pleases while taking on the title for himself, and that’s that.

But of course, insanity begs me to think about other routes, and so I do indeed have Jigsquad related ideas for Mark and Mandy too.

In that situation I do think they’d be a little more like shitty siblings who do shit on purpose to annoy the hell out of the other, but do also care on Some level about each other, even if they’re horrible at showing it.

Hoffman is. Woefully emotionally unintelligent at the best of times tbh. Both as a result of John’s bullshit (which. I’ll go into that in another post sometime too trust me) but also just because it’s not his strongpoint. Amanda isn’t exactly the best at it either, but I think she at least is more Aware of things than Hoffman is. When it comes to the two of them tho, I think they kinda have some unspoken agreement in the Jigsquad timeline that if they see the other feeling shitty, they go grab food together/for the other. Amanda will perpetually forget something from Hoffman’s order if she asks what he wants on purpose, but neither of them care enough to make a big deal out of it on those nights honestly.

I don’t think it’s something they would ever really have Deep Talk about specifically, but as Hoffman’s obviously aware of Amanda’s issues with self harm, I would think she probably found out at some point about the drinking issues from losing his sister that Hoffman had, and so while they’re both shitty to each other about a lot of things, eventually they come to an unspoken agreement not to touch on that stuff specifically. It’s a sore spot whether Hoffman will admit it or not considering its half of what led to him going after Seth and therefore John blackmailing him into the Jigsaw work in the first place, and obviously Amanda struggles with her own mental health on the regular, so they've just decided to stick to less personally offensive things to get under each others skin about in this timeline. Doesnt mean they dont fuck up occasionally, but there’s at least some sort of effort being put in there.

Less serious but they both absolutely know the other is gay and Will make dickhead comments about each other’s taste. Amanda gets on Hoffman’s case constantly for whatever he has going on with Strahm (even if he doesn’t realize they Have something for awhile) and tells him he could do better than to do shit with the guy who’s trying to bust them all. This does nothing of course in the long run but it’s still funny to think about.

Overall in the Jigsquad universe they are still like. Woefully dysfunctional compared to your normal sibling relationship but it’s at least marginally better in the fact that they’re not trying to kill each other and there’s a little bit of effort being made to not constantly fuck things up further between the two of them, and that’s the ideal dynamic I’d have loved to see for them in a better universe anyways.

This got REALLY long but to be fair you did ask! that’s all my thoughts I have atm but rest assured I will have more in the future, I’ve just exhausted my words on them for the night is all~

#saw #amanda young #mark hoffman #saw franchise #saw meta #jigsquad #INFLICTING MY ILLNESS ON ALL OF YOU WITH THIS ONE #my art #my meta #kief rambles about saw #ask #answered

87 notes · View notes

fuck-customers · 3 years ago

Text

Hello lovelies, been a while since I submitted. But this time I'm submitting on behalf of my friend. Let's call her Bev (not her real name obvi). Long post ahead, tl;Dr at bottom.

Bev used to work at my university's Filet of Chix. She became blue shirt in like two years. She was very good at managing and keeping the line going, which I even saw personally when I went in there some days. She ended up leaving due to a mix of medical concerns and high school level drama over the summer.

Around June of this year, she decided she was gonna find another job. She ended up applying and immediately getting hired on at a local ice cream store. She was excited. It paid 8.50 but with tips it could be up to $12 or $16 an hour - which is no problem during the summer as their tips jars are constantly overflowing. Bev was excited for the pay increase, seeing as how she was leaving a job that only paid her $10.05 an hour.

Bev starts, and her location is actually six buildings down from where I work. I go get her on my lunch breaks, take her to work, she rides home with someone else at the end of the night (cant drive due to her previously mentioned medical issues) It's a good arrangement. She gets along with her coworkers, her coworkers even start being buddy buddy with me.

Then the shit hits the fan maybe like. Three weeks into her starting. There is another girl who has been there for a while, let's name her Lee. When Bev was looking for a job and had inquired about the ice cream store hiring, Lee encouraged her as a) they desperately needed help and b) Lee bragged that she was able to afford tattoos with how much tip money they got. Bev even admitted that she may have had a slight crush on Lee forming (despite us having known her for five minutes, bless) so we figured she was chill.

Bev starts working and it's a few shifts before she finally works with Lee, who is considered a shift lead. The more Bev works with Lee the more they start to rub each other the wrong way - Lee gets snappy and rude during rushes, starts to panic, Bev instinctively takes control to get people out the door. Lee apparently sees this as Bev trying to come in and take her position as shift lead - which Bev does not want as she just wants money to be able to buy groceries with. Lee starts to get short with Bev. Doesn't talk to her unless it's to tell her to go clean bathrooms or take out trash. Lee also likes to hide in the back on her phone, only stand at the register on her phone, or stand in the way of everyone trying to get ice cream scooped and all that IN FRONT OF GUESTS. She also makes openly crude sex jokes in front of kids, makes customers uncomfortable complaining about her own health issues, and even cussed out a customer for clarifying what flavor they wanted when someone ELSE was working on scooping the order.

"Wow Kyrie, that doesn't sound like very appropriate behavior for a shift lead at an ice cream store." You're right. Which is why Bev complained to the owner. Along side some other coworkers who are also fed up with Lee's behavior. Not to mention if you go on Doodle and look up this ice cream store there are reviews literally complaining about Lee's behavior, one star reviews. Supposedly there are also cameras in the store that record audio as well. Lee has apparently been coached and fussed at about her behavior before, even before Bev started working there.

The place is short staffed, so letting her go is a tough decision apparently. Lee is also the only one who can reliably go back and forth between this location and the one in a town 30 minutes away, supposedly. Lee tells me this when I come in to drop off Bev one day and I need ice cream as I can feel myself getting light headed from having not eaten. Lee is excitedly chatting with me, not even acknowledging Bev trying to clock in at the damn register but can't because Lee is blocking it.

Bev complains to the owners again. Owners tell her they will talk with Lee. This pattern of Lee being rough with Bev continues for a couple of weeks. Some days I go in after I get off work because I want the sugar, and Bev is working. I witness the behavior Bev has talked about - Lee hiding on her phone, Lee making tasteless jokes, one time Lee even came over to my table during a rush to complain about her hip while a large group of families were placing orders and everyone else was running around scooping ice cream and making cones and ringing them up - Bev included.

Even better: Bev's medical issues make it so sometimes she'll have minor seizures and needs to sit. Owners said they understood, there's a stool she can sit on to ring out customers, just bring in a doctor's note when she can. Bev is in the process of getting an official doctor's note when the owners decide to take away the stool and say that no one can sit because Lee will sit on it on her phone in front of customers. They also start to doubt Bev's claims about her medical issues when the doctors note doesn't come in after two weeks (her fucking doctor up and left the practice and the office staff didn't want to produce a note until they heard back from the doctor. Lovely!)

Junp forward to about a month and a half after Bev starts working there. Classes start back up so Bev only works weekends.

She goes onto the app they use to check schedules and sees that she's not even been rostered after her last shift. She mentions it to another shift lead she's on good terms with who says they will mention it to the owner. Bev decides to just take the days off to catch up on school work.

The following week she can't even log onto the app. Says her credentials are invalid. She goes to change her password and it won't even let her do that as the app is saying she's not even in the system. Calls me up after I get off my job that day to talk about it - as she's going through other issues and this is the straw that broke the camels back. Why can't she even log in to see when she's working now? Is it because she's complained about Lee? When it has been presented that Lee is a problem in that workplace? She texts the shift lead she's on good terms with again, who says they'll ask the owner what's going on.

Today (Sept. 6th) Bev messages me. She had apparently submitted a request to officially rejoin the scheduling app and it was rejected by the owner of the store. Good shift lead knows nothing. A couple days ago I had gone into the store to get my parents some ice cream (their request) and Lee was still working there; her and the other employees still acting buddy buddy with me. So I know that Lee is still there but Bev isn't.

It appears, my friends, that Bev has been let go in the most UNPROFESSIONAL manner I have ever seen. She's not even been contacted by the owners about missing any shifts - not that it appears she even had any to miss.

I question the legalities of this. Yes, unfortunately we live in an at-will state and I have heard of things like this happening before where people technically are "fired" by not being scheduled or even contacted by management. I'm encouraging Bev to apply for unemployment to help her while she's in school, since I think she has a case here. It sucks, but I think she'll benefit in the end as she can now focus on her school and hopefully get a source of income elsewhere.

Tl:Dr- my friend Bev quits Christian chicken store to work at an ice cream store. Starts off well, rubs arms with another employee who has been known to be a problem child. Bev ends up being the one let go without even being told anything by management. She wants even there three months.

#submissions #fuck customers #cashier problems #fuck co-workers #fuck retail #embarrassing #server problems #fuck coworkers #fuck managers #retail law #tw:#long post

99 notes · View notes

stfu-im-thinking-abt-blorbo · 2 years ago

Text

Copy/Pasted from my other pages, a little update on my art and mental health, and wanted to leave my situation on a slightly more positive note than this morning.

So my Apple Pencil/stylus has died for good today. I've been having issues with it for months now, and today was officially it's last day. There's nowhere nearby to take it for repairs, and I'm more than likely not going to be able to send it away to be repaired. I've had this thing since 2019, and in the past three years it has served me incredibly well. I won't be able to reopen any commissions until I either get it replaced or figure out how to mimic my style on Procreate in a different program. Replacement is definitely not going to happen any time soon, especially so close to Christmas, so idk when I'll be comfortable with my art in FireAlpaca or SAI2 again. Pretty much all of my WIPs on my iPad are going to remain unfinished for a while.

I'm very upset at the moment, not just from my stylus. A lot of stuff has happened over the past few years, this has been the worst year yet, and all of it is making me reconsider every step I've taken as an artist. I'm not well, I haven't been well for years, and I won't be well for many many more. I don't really have a good way to vent nor anyone I feel safe with to vent to, and I don't really know how express what I'm feeling on my own. I don't make vent art because I hate how it makes me feel, plus I can barely bring myself to pick up a pencil when I'm like this anyways. And while I can still write in a state like this, writing about my problems just makes me spiral further into depression, anxiety and paranoia. I literally have a doc titled "Why My Life Sucks, From Before I Was Born to Now." If that isn't unhealthy idk what is. This situation particularly stings right now. Yesterday I made my list of what I wanted to do in 2023 in an attempt to feel more positive and hopeful about my future, but I've already been set back before the new year even started. I'm not at risk of hurting myself or others, but ngl it'd be pretty nice to simply not exist right about now.

Sorry if this was a downer to read, but I wanted to give an update on my art situation and let everyone know what my headspace is like atm. For what its worth, I'm not "giving up" in any sense of the phrase. I'm definitely taking a break from any serious work on my stories or reopening commissions, but not forever. I'll still be making silly doodles and reacquainting myself with my screen tablet and FireAlpaca or SAI2. I have a lot of editing I want to do so I can update my deco and themes for my pages and blogs. And I've also realized there's also a lot of writing requests building up on my fanfiction blog, so I could also tackle that. Even though it feels like positivity has brought my life nothing but negativity, I'm still trying. I've been a pretty decent therapist for myself after all these years, why would I stop now lol

Happy holidays everyone 💖

#long post #i guess? idk but its important

2 notes · View notes

pinkhairedlily · 3 years ago

Text

Chapter 11 - Student Council President Sakura / Graduation Chapter

SCPS AO3 | PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Youtube playlist for your reading accompaniment

They held a run-through of the graduation ceremony on the last day of class and technically the last day of the trio’s high school life. Unlike their first general assembly, Uchiha Sasuke was to deliver the graduation speech but not without great sulking from Haruno Sakura who landed a close second despite ranking first in their final exams.

And obviously, not without Sasuke trying to give up his speech privileges by campaigning instead for Sakura.

In the end, all three of them were granted speech slots – one for Sasuke as valedictorian, Sakura as student representative, and Naruto as the school’s first national MVP. It was this debacle that led the three of them to brainstorm in an empty AVR after the dry run.

“Done!” Sakura yelled like the diligent student she was. “Let me look at yours!”

Sasuke presented her a blank paper while saying, “It’s all prepared in my head”, and Naruto showed her his baseball doodles.

“Oh God, you’re all so hopeless.”

Then the electricity suddenly got cut off in the AVR. Sakura expected the boys to screech in surprise and cling to each other, but she only heard silence in the dark. She jumped in her seat when the doors opened with a loud bang, a confetti splash, and the lights coming back to life.

Sasuke and Naruto were still in front of her, holding two bouquets of irises and yellow roses. Behind them were the old and new student council members with other students holding a large banner saying Thank you, Student Council President Sakura!

She started to leave her seat to come to them, but they gestured for her to stay on her seat. In front of the room, the large monitor beeped and showed a compilation of videos.

Sukehiro Aoi, an alumni and currently an intern in an animation studio. “Hello, Ms. Pres. You once asked the body to submit a publication material for an event of the student council, and I sent mine through a dummy email with no expectations of winning. I wasn’t comfortable with the public seeing my art. I was afraid of the unsolicited remarks so sending it anonymously gave me some relief. You chose it however, and you knew how big a credit was to an artist. I was really scared when you were able to hunt me down just by my watermark, but my name in the info blast caught the attention of a school board member and referred me to this animation studio. It was the littlest thing, but you handed me my dream.”

Watanabe Kota was a year below them. He has a small frame, round thick glasses, and battled with face acne. “Ms. Pres! People never had much confidence in my physical appearance, so I don’t know what you saw in me when you asked me to take over the school radio. But here we are – we’re airing daily and we even produce documentaries and radio programs. Thank you for seeing what I didn’t.”

Ito Amanaya, a typical jock in the football team, muscular and came across as intimidating, but he had the gentlest cadence. “I was bullied by the same group that bullied your dynamic duo. When you ran them off, you also saved my life. Thank you, Haruno.”

Kimura Shinze, a classmate in third year, beautiful, popular, and the captain of the cheering squad. “Hope you’re having a great day, Ms. Pres. Remember that time when the class was guessing who were our crushes and I blurted out that it was a girl, you told me thank you for telling us. That was…a big deal to me. Thank you for that gesture.”

Himurata Aoi, president of the koto club. “Sakura, I know you had many people come up and confessed to you so when I did try, I was glad that you didn’t give me a bullshit reason like you’re not into girls. You turned me down because you have someone you already love. I am thankful for your honesty.”

The biology teacher, Takahashi Kande. “Student council, thank you for your mental health program. As a single father to twins, I don’t have the luxury of time to sit in a couch and sort out my issues. To be able to do that in my workplace during breaks is a heaven-sent gift. You saved me and my family. Thank you.”

Many more messages came on, from a classmate she lent spare change to, from a staff she helped clean, from countless students who she wasn’t aware she gave kindness to.

“Why….” She asked breathlessly.

“You’ve been beating yourself lately. We thought you needed some reminding,” Sasuke muttered, under his breath, the bouquet still in his hands. “You left some pretty big footprints, Ms. Pres.

“You might not have noticed,” Naruto jested. “But this is always innate and natural to you, isn’t it?”

“Why did you bother so much?” She was reduced to tears.

“It was Naruto’s idea.”

“Huh? You did all the compiling though!”

“Shut up, it was me,” yelled the current president.

“Thank you, everyone.”

--------------------------------

It was a weekend, but Sasuke requested Sakura and Naruto to meet him at the school gates. He only gave the time and place, and he knew well enough that they would be there – no questions asked.

They stood there, minutes earlier than planned, a first but nothing more unusual than homebody Sasuke asking them to go out on a weekend. Sakura wore an oversized rust shirt over a pair of muted cotton blue trousers tied with a brown leather belt and tan fisherman sandals, her long hair kept in one single braid at the back. Naruto probably expected a fancy lunch with his outfit – black silky long sleeves over gray pants and black loafers.

Sasuke, high on impulsive decisions, wore bright colors, a complete departure from his usual neutrals; mustard vest over a deep violet polo, baggy pants, off white converse, and a white fanny pack. “Well, we’re mostly dressed for comfort, except for that idiot beside you.”

“What do you mean dressed for comfort? I borrowed these loafers from my vice-captain and my feet aren’t used to them,” Naruto whined. “Besides, aren’t you taking us out to a five-star meal, Mr. Valedictorian?”

“Wow, what a way to show off.” Sakura pursed her lips in annoyance. “Don’t worry Naruto, I got your next café order.”

“Ah no. It was just something we heard from the grape vine.” Naruto scratched his head and carefully glanced at Sasuke. “Grumpy got his trust fund today.”

In bated breaths, they waited for him to respond with a scowl or a retort, but he just nodded. “Come on, we’ll miss the train.”

They traveled for three stations and disembarked on the fourth, Sasuke sandwiched in between the two, his shoulders pillows again to their heads and yet such burdens were light as cotton. The surfacing emotions since last week were taking hold of him, but he needed to pull through somehow because breaking down while commuting was one thing he did not really see doing.

“Word just got in. The house was turned over this morning,” Itachi told him over the phone.

“Impeccable timing when I’m also moving abroad next week.” Sasuke pulled out his Bleachers vinyl and anticipated another lonesome lull for the night.

“Do you miss the cream puffs?”

“Nothing comes close.”

“Hmm. I’ll pay for the rental fee of your car.”

In Itachi’s defense, while he was an afficionado of escapism, he also knew how to read between the lines. “Watch me get a Mercedes-Benz.”

“I have a good driving playlist.” This only meant math rock, and Sasuke wanted something to scream his lungs too.

“Don’t need one.”

“Treat your friends to dinner, okay? Gotta go.”

“We’re walking?!” Naruto almost limped out of the train. Sasuke took one look at his heels and saw that they were bruised red. He took off his converse and socks and gave them to him.

Sakura whipped out a small first-aid kit and covered the rash on Naruto’s heels. “Hey don’t look at me like that. Brought it just in case we’re going on a day survival tour. A camping would be nice too.”

“Did you scrub your feet, idiot?”

“You think so low of me grumpy. Of course – last week!”

With Naruto now comfortable, the three resumed walking on the unfamiliar residential area. Sasuke gestured for them to enter a bamboo forest on the far side of the main road. Hidden in the shadows of the clumped stalks were a small opening, the growth hampered and ground rid of grasses and weeds; many people have also chosen this shortcut, walked through the forest, did a little nature bathing, and emerged behind the bakery, still there, still standing, still operating.

Sasuke tapped on the large glass window cum counter on the front and bought three sets of cream puffs.

“Oh, it’s you,” the old baker greeted. “You brought your friends over? You always buy one set.”

Sasuke offered her a smile, briefly glancing to his periphery where Sakura was fussing with Naruto’s feet, and nodded as he accepted the paper bag. “It’s on the house, kid.”

“You brought us to stalk someone’s house?” Sakura dug in one paper bag, bit the puff in one bite, and with full mouth, she sighed. “This is heaven.”

“It’s our old family house, before the accident that is.” Sasuke also took out one puff and munched on it, ruminating on the sight before him, a two-story house with an imposing façade, his mom’s climbing hydrangea gone and cut by the new owners, beds of roses and daisies already withered, but the wisteria tree on the vacant lot beside continued to grow and shade what he supposed were the children’s rooms. It was in his third bite that he saw the tomato fruits he planted, alive and full with harvest. “Do you think my parents know?”

Naruto slid an arm across his shoulder and grinned sheepishly. “Then they would be happy ghosts or maybe they would voluntarily move away to give the new owners the opportunity to make it a happy a home like yours.

“What part are you gonna miss?” Sakura asked, halfway through her set of puffs.

“The sight of the wisteria before I sleep and after I wake up, and the sunlight in my parents’ room. My dad liked to make these suncatchers for my mom. The play of light was a good morning greeting, she said.”

“What’s your funniest memory?” Naruto sat on the grass, uncaring for the stains that would taint his good pair of pants.

“It was probably Christmas when I was seven, and Itachi had this big idea to bake a cake, but he swapped the sugar for the salt and we were wondering why it wouldn’t make a custard. Our parents still ate it, saying it was a very salty version of dark chocolate cake.”

“It was a good home,” Sakura patted the space between her and Naruto and Sasuke sat down cross-legged too, dipping his hand on the paper bag with the last cream puff.

“It was a good home,” Sasuke agreed as he bit into the last vestige of his family memory. He was suckling the powdered sugar off his fingers when he realized he was already crying, and the two were downright sobbing on his either side.

Such an embarrassing sight to see; he wondered what would the new owners feel if they looked out their windows this instant and saw three teenagers breaking down on the road across. It was honestly stupid and laughable to a point, considering how funny it was for grief to become lighter when someone else cried with him.

Naruto was sniffling so much that he had to offer his handkerchief to him. “I forgot to tell you guys. Hinata confessed to me during the cultural festival.”

“Oh my god. What did you say?” Sakura took a tissue out of her bag and dabbed her eyes. She flashed an apologetic look to Sasuke who already offered his hanky to Naruto’s fluids.

“Ah, what else? I had to reject her.” Naruto sneezed on Sasuke’s handkerchief again. “I told her I was in love with someone else.” He slyly glanced at his raven-haired friend and pursed his lips which Sakura quickly caught.

“Who is it?”

“Sasuke also likes someone.”

“Shut your mouth, blondie. Point is already moot. Besides, we’ve already been rejected.”

“Who are these people and why don’t I know them?” Sakura genuinely looked offended. “I could have vetted them!”

“Exactly why it was fortunate you didn’t meet them,” Sasuke said as an excuse though he pegged Sakura for not being that naïve. She, thankfully, let it go and gathered their trash. She dropped the bomb as she was brushing the grass blades from her trousers. “My parents are divorcing. Such a travesty not to have them show up on graduation day, and I thought I did a great job.”

The two, ever so sure, held onto her hands in case she was trembling again.

“Let’s get that five-star dinner,” Sasuke suggested, “and we need to rent a Mercedes-Benz.”

--------------------------------

Graduation Day

“Let’s welcome to the stage, class valedictorian, Uchiha Sasuke.” Kakashi was the officiating faculty today so she expected difficulty going through the event, but for some reason, he slipped into her mental back burner, no longer taking up room in her active consciousness. That was a good step, she smiled to herself. Her smile became wider as Sasuke got up the stage.

His fans club’s cheers were heard outside the auditorium, and the graduating class chuckled at the quick interruption. He cleared his throat and started his piece.

“Please get it on record that I was coerced to do this speech. Then again, I also had a hand on the turn of events that led me here today, in front of you. And it’s a little too on the nose, but I came to high school with a clear set of goals – have high grades and lead an uninteresting life. I accomplished the first one rather easily, and it’s a good metric for the future that’s upon us right now. Good grades land us good colleges. Good colleges land us good jobs. Good jobs land us good life.

But it’s not the sole benchmark as I have learned lately. You see, my second goal really missed the mark. Good life can also mean good friends, fun experiences, a caring environment, a complete family. If you ticked off each one, then that’s very notable. You have the four-leaf clover, and it’s a rare blessing. I only ticked off three, but that goes without any regret. If you only have one silver lining in your high school memory, then that makes us all the more human. And if there’s none, there is still is still a whole stretch of possibilities we can discover to find one. Thank you for your kind attention.”

Sakura was pretty sure she heard several sniffles across the student body. “The bastard delivered a good speech,” she muttered to herself.

“We would like to welcome our first national MVP, Uzumaki Naruto.”

Outside, the school band played the cheering anthem for his last national games. The cheerleaders also did a routine in tribute to him. That made him well up when he got to the podium.

“Wait oh my god, I’m tearing up so much.”

Sasuke grunted loudly and went back the stage to hand him a handkerchief which Naruto quickly used to wipe his snot.

“Thanks Sasuke. How can Kakashi-sensei let me follow after that rousing speech, and before Sakura too. It’s kinda evil.”

Laughter broke out.

“Well, this one’s a bare minimum. I didn’t have any goals or expectations, unlike genius grumpy over there. I just wanted to live my life like an ordinary boy. Someone said that how you spend your day is how you live your life so I did just that – ate ramen, slept in class because I am a growing kid, and played each arcade game until I won them. I also believe in serendipitous – thanks Sakura for this word, for the spelling and meaning – serendipitous coincidences. I just pitched and batted for former captain Haru one afternoon and now we landed in the national finals. I had loneliness for a friend, but now I’ve got all of you. And you know what else, the magic of working together. We wouldn’t have stepped foot in the nationals if it weren’t for your collective help. When we work towards a common goal, that also gives us common happiness, right? It’s infectious, a bouncing energy that gets thrown around and still makes it one piece. So wherever you will be after this, believe it!”

When Kakashi called her name next, she thought she was deaf, the noise around her collapsed in muted decibels. It took a minute before her fellow classmates shook her and motioned for her to quickly come up the stairs. Her silver-haired teacher looked so concerned in the shadows, but for what it was worth, she was civil and calm enough (at least in the matters concerning him) to nod at him in quiet exchange of assurance.

It was because she saw both of her parents at the side with a bouquet of roses. She struggled with the paper she brought with her although she had it memorized in her head; she even went through it flawlessly for three times last night. Tears blurred the words and the mere shock of the sight of their togetherness disabled her mental function to string coherent thoughts. She also started hyperventilating, her breaths coming faster than what her lungs could pump.

Then she felt Kakashi’s hand on her shoulder, a steady presence, and it reeled her back to reality. He tapped the mic and the feedback echoed. “Ah, Ms. Haruno had some technical issues. Again, let’s welcome former student council president, Sakura.”

Sasuke and Naruto in the front were almost standing, but she flashed them a smile as if to say she was okay now. “Hello, good day to our honorable guests and graduates. I think it’s safe to say that Sasuke and Naruto provided really good words of advice. So I have nothing more to offer, but to share my gratitude. Everyone was saying the student council did a good job in its programs, but it was actually the lot of you who made this possible – from your activity suggestions to participation and feedback. After all, you were the makers of your memories.

Earlier last week, my councilmates and friends reminded me how small actions go a long way – a smile, a wave across the hallway, a short exchange of good morning and see you soon, and I thought, aren’t we all just an accumulation of these small, little things? As such, it was what you think your insignificant moments were that pushed us to deliver you the best. It was the passing comment, the top-of-your-head tips, the interlude stories we hear during lunch breaks that allowed us to give you grand gestures and memories we hoped were worth keeping. And if we could start to use that perspective as well in our lives then maybe the uncertainties of a future wouldn’t be so heavy on us. We will face tomorrow with a lightness in being.

In behalf of the student council, thank you for allowing us to serve you.”

She bowed at a level where her torso was almost aligned at her hips, and she was confused with the lack of reaction. Sakura sighed, mulling over the deficiencies in her speech, but she straightened her back to a sight of a standing ovation and a thundering applause.

Then, she let her tears fall.

--------------------------------

“Why would you let Kakashi-sensei take the pic?” Sakura hissed at them.

“Just this one time, Sakura!” Naruto grinned.

“Sakura, you’re out of the frame,” Kakashi remarked. “Okay good. Say cheese.”

In spite of her recent heartbreak with him, she permitted herself to bask in fleeting cordiality. “Cheese.”

“Grumpyyyyyy.”

“Idiot blondie.”

Kakashi took three more shots and handed the camera to the trio. He almost turned away when Sakura caught his sleeve.

“Just one more,” she said. “With you.”

Sakura shifted to the front, almost kneeling with the camera angled for a selfie, her two friends beside her looking equally annoyed as the other, and Kakashi behind them, his hands on either head, smiling with his deceptively charming beauty mark.

It was the last picture of their high school life.

--------------------------------

The three were rushing through the airport crowd fifteen minutes before the immigration closes gates.

“Here!” Sakura slid a folder on the large pocket on Sasuke’s bag. “It includes your passport, your flight details, your valid IDs, your itinerary, and letters from us! Don’t forget our Friday video calls!”

“I can’t see. These tears are bullies,” Naruto said through tears. He was continuously wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

“And If I don’t get on my flight because you made us eat ramen for one last time and the orders took too long, I’m gonna have you cursed by a witch and a shaman!” Sasuke growled. The guards were starting to close the gates when a sobbing Naruto sprinted and basically tackled the guards on the floor.

“Sasuke come on, hurry up!”

“Drink your vitamins! And if you miss cream puffs, I’ll teach you how to make them.” Sakura was trying hard to keep pace with Sasuke’s brisk walking, but she ended up breathless anyway.

The three of them finally reached the immigration entrance, and Naruto was profusely apologizing to the guards for the interruption. Sasuke showed his documents, wheezing as they looked at it. They gave him a thumbs up and opened the gates.

The two were already slumped at the floor, waving without words, and exhausted from the clock race. Sasuke was almost through when he remembered something he forgot. He muttered a quick sorry, ran through the opening, and hugged his two friends.

“I’ll miss you.”

#SCPS #student council president sakura #haruno sakura #uchiha sasuke #uzumaki naruto #hatake kakashi #team 7 #sasusaku #kakasaku #narusaku #fic!pseudolily #fic!pinkhairedlily

20 notes · View notes

anxiouslyfred · 4 years ago

Text

Edited Lesson Plans

for @dukexietyweek‘s day 5 prompt ‘School’

Summary: The science experiments Remus includes in his lessons baffle most of the staff for how he’s able to get them past health and safety concerns. Virgil is just glad he hasn’t been questioned over stealing the plans to add precautions to them yet.

Warnings: elusions to chemical accidents, vauge mentions of bad lab safety, explosion mentions

/\/\/\

“Again? He's managed to get these major experiments in his work plan again?”

“Who the hell is he bribing to be allowed to do this stuff? Even I couldn't get a risk assessment thorough enough to do these things!”

“Remus has to be like dating the headmasters daughter. That's the only way Mr stick-up-his-arse Read would be letting him do these experiments. They're just too dangerous.”

“I think that's why Remus is doing them. Have you seen him mope when one is rejected?”

The talk in the staff room had once again returned to Mr Remus Cethalapod as the lessons plans and class schedules were shared among the teams, including the weeks where teachers should expect delays from students leaving specific classes. Virgil was sat working on fine tuning his own quietly, listening in, but never expected to join in with their talk.

That was the other certainty he knew the other teachers and faculty held, Remus would include science experiments no sane person would demonstrate to their teenage students, and Virgil would only speak up about issues with lesson plans if he saw classes overlapping with his that could be risky. The only exception to his demands to see the risk assessments were Remus's despite those classes following or precluding his own most often.

He smirked, making a few quick notes on a plan for the woodworking module. If the class picked up the skills in a different time period to expected a few classes might be moved around which would help with when Remus had chosen one of the few repeated experiments to be done.

“What is up, Bitches! Have I convinced any of you to give up repeating the same old plans and get something interesting in those classes?” Remus yelled, barging in to check the schedules for next semester.

“Why would we need to include something interesting when your lesson plans could well blow up the school?” Nate scoffed, shaking his head, and clearly unhappy that his classroom designation for the next semester was beside Remus's.

Virgil was tempted to speak up at that, defend his risk assessments except he wouldn't even acknowledge to Remus that he'd regularly steal the other teacher's lesson plans to make sure they're safe, or at a minimum have all possible and extremely necessary safety measures in place. He was certain that his input was known about though.

Remus just beamed at the veiled criticism. “My fairy health and safety agent says every class I do is safe as long as I follow the purple ink. Can you say the same?”

“You're creating fantasy creatures? You're meant to be a science teacher!” Nate's protesting was cut off as the first school bus arrived and everyone refocused back on this semester rather than the next.

/VR\

Teaching Engineering and Resistant materials had always been Virgil's main interest, and a lot of that relied on science not only to improve and progress but to remain safe for the people who practised it. Getting a few journals on Chemistry added to his reading list wasn't too difficult to do after Virgil first met Remus.

He'd loved the passion and energy when he'd heard Mr Cethalapod teaching during a free period in the first year they'd worked together at the school. Discovering that the class had been mixing dangerous chemicals without enough safety precautions however had him basically panicking for 20 minutes before he forced himself calm if only to focus on his next class and the teenagers about to be playing with fire as much as soldering some metal together could be called that.

After that day Virgil would steal Remus's lesson plans, originally just to satisfy himself that they wouldn't be putting students or teacher in danger, but all too soon he was adding sheets with safety instructions and getting risk assessments filled out. Enough of the things he did could cross over, although temperatures in chemistry got higher than they ever would in resistant materials and the chemical element rarely impacted engineering to the degree it would of course inspire a chemistry class.

Remus even seemed to accommodate his lesson plans getting stolen, once when they were first written, once soon before the start of each subject and finally the week before he'd teach the class. When Virgil had first realised that pattern had been deliberately made he tried to hide more, put the things back exactly as he'd found them, terrified there'd be some consequence for his interfering. Remus had after all once made a class where a parent had complained over his teaching style only read their books for a term, conducting the experiments he'd planned to show or have them do silently at the front of class, and another time brought in a mobile lab so he could walk his class around behind the PE class after the teachers were disparaging his class loudly at the end of the day.

Instead nothing had happened, except occasionally his additions would have more corrections added. Of course the corrections were usually only on the severity of the injuries that could occur if one of the safety risks wasn't followed, but it was an acceptance of his guidelines regardless. Even Virgil's students had mentioned feeling calmer and safer during experiments with Remus bringing new precautions in, all of which had been his own additions.

Honestly, being called a 'fairy health and safety agent' had Virgil snickering for the rest of his day. He had the powers of magic and way too much fear on his side and with it would save the school from dangerous experiments. That sounded like a lot more fun than screaming and lecturing the headmaster whenever one of the other teachers blatantly failed to follow even the basic health and safety precautions.

When Virgil gets the lesson plans at the end of that week a tiny part of him was tempted to put fairy wings on of something while taking them. He wouldn't do that for fear of having to explain why if another teacher spotted him, but it was a thought.

A thought that vanished along with everything else that night when in green highlighter, covering the last page of lesson plans Remus had scrawled

Dear H&S Fairy, I'll clap all the times I can to make sure you exist if only you come with me on a date next Friday. Love and other Goopy Stuffs, Remus xoxoxo

Please, Virgil could only pray, please say Remus actually had figured out he was the one doing these plans, because he wanted, but could not face turning up only to find out Remus thought it was some other teacher or administrator.

Before he could worry about that any further he scribbled a reply just underneath the note, signed with a doodle of a fairy.

/VR\

Now it wasn't that Remus had forgotten asking the Engineering teacher out on his lesson plans, or that he hadn't seen the response once they were returned to his desk. It's that he absolutely hated planning ahead any more than was necessary and his dreams were just of inspiration striking for the perfect date the minute they met up at his car.

Only as he was setting out the lesson and getting the students ready to carry it out did he finally think that someone so concerned with safety they'd steal his lesson plans might actually feel better if he had a plan in place. Remus couldn't exactly create a plan while teaching though, so it really would just be up to the evening and the thoughts it might bring to do.

He couldn't imagine a date being as full of risk as playing with low level acids though.

Virgil was already leant against Remus's car by the time he reached it and all Remus could do was beam. “I actually got it right! Damn, and Mr Read always says I can't figure out anything except explosions.”

“Glad to be who you wanted, should I even ask if you have a plan for tonight or just accept you're making this up as we go along?” Virgil snorted, pushing himself up as Remus rounded the car.

“I can at least guarantee lower chances of injury than I might find if you weren't with me.” Remus countered.

Perhaps they'd only really communicated via lesson plans and occasionally crossing paths around the school up until this point, but Remus couldn't wait to see where this first date might take them.

#dukexiety #dukexietyweek2021 #remus sanders #virgil sanders #mentioned logan sanders #teacher remus #teacher virgil #cw poor lab safety

30 notes · View notes

piet-ra · 4 years ago

Text

Taylor Swift x Catradora Masterlist

So, this is a masterlist no one asked for but I'm doing anyway. It's basically every Taylor Swift song that think fits the dynamic perfectly or that I'm completely projecting a Catradora storyline into (it's canon universe, no AU). I’m basically SPOPfying TS’s discography. It can be just one line or the whole song. I will highlight the lyrics and it is sorted by album. I hope you enjoy it and if it helps my fanfic writers out there, all the best. (just an fyi, I’m listening to all of this through a very romantic filter, before anyone comes at me saying that “actually catra wanted more than Adora and their issues were deeper than just unrequited love and bla bla. I know. just let us enjoy this gay animated couple)

I might develop my reasoning more in some than in others, so if you want to know more about why I chose such song and all that, just send me asks, I love them!

Let’s get on with the list now!

From “Taylor Swift”(Yee haw taylor at her finest)

Picture to burn

okay, so bear with me. Catra’s pov after Adora left her.

“there’s no time for tears/I’m just sitting here plotting my revenge”

“And if you’re missing me you’d better keep it to yourself/ cause coming back around here would be bad for your health”

“so watch me strike a match on all my wasted time/ as far as i’m concerned you’re just another picture to burn” -> I can just imagine catra scratching their doodles when i listen to this through a catradora lens.

Teardrops on my guitar

Teenage Catra’s pov pining over Adora.

“Drew looks at me/I fake a smile so he won’t see/That I want and I’m needing/ everything that we should be”

“I laugh 'cause it is just so funny/ That I can't even see anyone when he's with me”

“[he’s] the only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart”

A Place in this World

Adora trying to deal with the new responsibilities and pressure She-ra brought her.

“I don’t know what I want/ so don’t ask me/ ‘cause I’m still trying to figure it out/ don’t know what’s down this road/ I'm just walking/Trying to see through the rain coming down”

“I’m alone, on my own/ and that’s all I know/ I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong/ oh but life goes on/ oh I’m just a girl/ trying to find a place in this world”

The outside

Catra’s pov(on her way to redemption)

“So, how can I ever try to be better?/ Nobody ever lets me in/ And I can still see you, this ain’t the best view/ On the outside looking in”

“You saw me there, but never knew/ That I would give it all up to be/ A part of this, a part of you/ And now it's all too late, so you see/ You could have helped if you had wanted to/ But no one notices until it's too late to do anything/ How could I ever try to be better?”

Tied Together With a Smile

Catra to Adora and her self sacrificial complex.

“hold on, baby, you’re losing it/ the water’s high/ you’re jumping into it/ And letting go and no one knows/ That you cry but you don’t tell anyone/ That you might not be the golden one/ and you’re tied together with a smile/ but you’re coming undone

Should’ve said no

Catra to Adora(season 1)

“you should’ve said no, you should’ve gone home/ you should’ve thought twice ‘fore you let it all go/You should've known that word like what you did with her/ Would get back to me/ and I should’ve been there, in the back of your mind/ I shouldn’t be asking myself why/You shouldn't be beggin' for forgiveness at my feet/ you should’ve said no, baby, and you might still have me”

“I can’t resist, before you go, tell me this/ was it worth it?”

I’m only me when I’m with you

just general catradora because this is effing cute

“I'm only up when you're not down/Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground/ It's like no matter what I do/ Well you drive me crazy half the time/ The other half I'm only tryna let you know that what I feel is true/ And I'm only me when I'm with you”

A Perfectly good heart

Catra’s pov(season 1)

“Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now/ Why would you wanna make the very first scar/ Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart”

“Maybe I should've seen the signs/ Should've read the writing on the wall/ And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall/ No matter what you say, I still can't believe/ That you would walk away/ It don't make sense to me”

From “Fearless”(platinum edition)

Forever and always

ohhh the promises.... catra’s pov.

“And then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all/ And you flashback to when we said forever and always/ And it rains in your bedroom/ Everything is wrong/ It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone/ 'Cause I was there when you said forever and always/ You didn't mean it baby”

Come in with the rain

this one i think it fits both Adora and Catra singing the same thing to each other(while they were still stranged) and if you want the whole reasoning behind, ask haha cause otherwise this is going to be even bigger.

“I've watched you so long, screamed your name/ I don't know what else I can say/ But I'll leave my window open/ 'Cause I'm too tired at night for all these games/ Just know I'm right here hoping/ That you'll come in with the rain/ I could go back to every laugh/ But I don't wanna go there anymore”

The other side of the door

this is pure catra. just pure catra. seasons 1- 4 Catra and what she did vs her real feelings. (very fitting for ”promises” too)

“In the heat of the fight I walked away/ Ignoring words that you were saying/ Trying to make me stay/ I said, "This time I've had enough"/ And you've called a hundred times/ But I'm not picking up/ 'Cause I'm so mad I might tell you that it's over/ But if you look a little closer/ I said, "Leave," but all I really want is you/ To stand outside my window throwing pebbles/ Screaming, "I'm in love with you"”

“Me and my stupid pride are sitting here alone/ Going through the photographs, staring at the phone”

“So babe if you know everything/ Tell me why you couldn't see/ When I left, I wanted you to chase after me”

“And I'll scream out the window/ I can't even look at you/ I don't need you but I do, I do, I do/ I say, "There's nothing you can say/ To make this right again, I mean it, I mean it”/ What I mean is/ I said, "Leave," but baby, all I want is you”

White Horse

okay, that’s just a joke. but I wanted to share the mental image my brain created. I just can’t stop imagining Catra on princess prom, looking longingly at Adora dancing with some nameless girl and singing “I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale/ I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet/ lead her up the stairwell” and then catching a glimpse of swifty “Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around”

i’m so sorry for this, but I’m actually not.

oh and the more serious interpretation is Catra refusing Adora and her fucking hero complex, saying it’s too late for her to try to go and fix things.

You belong with me

Just to mention this song fits every childhood friends to lovers ever. so that’s it.

Tell me why

Adora’s pov(season 3-4). I feel this is Adora getting more and more frustrated with Catra and especially after she “gave up” on catra after the portal. and this connection made me sad.(and I’m not by any means calling Catra abusive with this, because I know how the song depicts a somewhat abusive relatioship and I’m not by saying Catradora is that(it isn’t, at all), but their relationship throughout the seasons is fucking messy.)

“I took a chance, I took a shot/ And you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not/ You took a swing, I took it hard/ And down here from the ground I see who you are/ I'm sick and tired of your attitude/ I'm feeling like I don't know you”

“And I need you like a heartbeat/ But you know you got a mean streak.”

“And I know you see what you’re doing to me/ Tell me why”

and the one that hurts:

“I take a step back, let you go/ I told you I’m not bulletproof/ Now you know”

You’re Not Sorry

Adora’s pov, post portal

“All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around/ I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down/ And it's taken me this long, baby, but I've figured you out/ And you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around”

“You don't have to call anymore/ I won't pick up the phone/ This is the last straw/ Don't wanna hurt anymore/ And you can tell me that you're sorry/ But I don't believe you baby like I did before/ You're not sorry”

Change

so everything here might be a lot of a stretch, but I can’t really control what my head comes up with. The song progresses and so does Catradora’s story in this. like, I feel the song starts when they are kids in the Horde and then teenagers promising each other they will rise in the ranks and rule the place and then after defeating Horde Prime and getting their new beginning.(And maybe both of them singing, but I feel Adora would fit better, dunno)

“And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you/Somebody else gets what you wanted again and/ You know it's all the same, another time and place/ Repeating history and you're getting sick of it/ But I believe in whatever you do/ And I'll do anything to see it through/ Because these things will change/ Can you feel it now?” -> Adora singing to catra imo, but you see it however you want to honestly.

“These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down/ This revolution, the time will come/ For us to finally win/ And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah” -> Here it’s the promise they made when they were younger, that they would be running the place together and even the “nothing rly bad can happen as long as we have each other” one.

“So we've been outnumbered, raided, and now cornered/ It's hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair/ We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/ They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared” -> maybe their teenage years strengthening their resolution.

“Tonight we stand, get off our knees/ Fight for what we've worked for all these years/ And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives/ But we'll stand up champions tonight/ It was the night things changed/ Can you see it now?” -> this could be so so so many things, but I chose to see as a time skip and it is the night they defeated horde prime just to make it interesting. (this whole thing was such a stretch, but I’m having fun with it, so fuck it i guess)

From “Speak Now”

Sparks Fly

Adora’s pov

“The way you move is like a full on rainstorm/ And I'm a house of cards/ You're the kind of reckless/ That should send me running/ But I kinda know that I won't get far”

“Take away the pain/ 'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile/ Get me with those green eyes, baby/ As the lights go down/ Gimme something that'll haunt me whenever you're not around/ 'Cause I see, sparks fly, when you smile”

“My mind forgets to remind me, your a bad idea”

Back to December

Catra’s pov(call from Horde Prime’s ship and interactions on Darla)

“Your guard is up and I know why/ Because the last time you saw me/ Is still burned in the back of your mind”

“So this is me swallowing my pride/ Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night”

“It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you”

“These days, I haven't been sleeping/ Staying up, playing back myself leaving”

“I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't/ So if the chain is on your door, I understand”

Mean

That’s just Catra singing to Shadow Weaver, I’m sorry. the whole song fits here, so just my top picks.

“You, with your words like knives/ And swords and weapons that you use against me/ You have knocked me off my feet again/ Got me feeling like I'm nothing/ You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard/ Calling me out when I'm wounded/ You, picking on the weaker man”

“You, with your switching sides/ And your wildfire lies and your humiliation/ You have pointed out my flaws again/ As if I don't already see them”

“All you are is mean/ And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life/ And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean”

The story of us

both Adora and Catras(basically the whole song lol)

“I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us/ How we met, and the sparks flew instantly”

“I used to know my place was a spot next to you/ Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat/ 'Cause lately, I don't even know what page you're on”

“Oh, a simple complication/ Miscommunications lead to fallout/ So many things that I wish you knew/ So many walls up, I can't break through”

“Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room/ And we're not speaking/ And I'm dying to know/ Is it killing you like it's killing me?/ Yeah, I don't know what to say/ Since the twist of fate when it all broke down/ And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”

“How I was losing my mind when I saw you here/ But you held your pride like you should've held me”

“Why are we pretending this is nothing?/ I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how/ I've never heard silence quite this loud”

“This is looking like a contest/ Of who can act like they care less/ But I liked it better when you were on my side”

“But I would lay my armor down/ If you say you'd rather love than fight”

(let’s ignore that the song actually ends in tragedy lol)

Haunted

Why did you leave, Adora, for fuck’s sake. Catra’s pov.

“Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/ I thought I had you figured out/ Something's gone terribly wrong/ You're all I wanted/ Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/ I thought I had you figured out/ Can't breathe whenever you're gone/ Can't turn back now, I'm haunted”

“Stood there and watched you walk away/ From everything we had”

oh and a sad bonus. Catra’s pov from when she was Chipped:

“He will try to take away my pain/ And he just might make me smile/ But the whole time, I'm wishing it was you instead/ Oh, holding my breath/ Won't see you again/ Something keeps me holding onto nothing”

Last Kiss

I’m realizing with this list that Taylor is a Catra Kinnie(and she condones murder now, so great!). Catra’s pov.

“I still remember the look on your face/ Lit through the darkness at 1:58/ The words that you whispered/ For just us to know/ You told me you loved me/ So why did you go away?/ Away”

“All that I know is I don't know/ How to be something you miss/ I never thought we'd have a last kiss/ Never imagined we'd end like this”

Long Live

The very fortunate aftermath of the Heart of Etheria and the defeat of Horde Prime. anyone can be the narrator in this, but for me is Catra and Adora, together(but some Catra solos)(I’m such an Adora kinnie, but fuck if this isn’t dominated by my fav catgirl)

“I said: Remember this moment/ In the back of my mind/ The time we stood with our shaking hands/.../ The night you danced like you knew our lives/ Would never be the same/ You held your head like a hero/ On a history book page/ It was the end of a decade/ But the start of an age”

“Long live the walls we crashed through/ All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you/ I was screaming, long live all the magic we made/ And bring on all the pretenders/ One day, we will be remembered”

“And the cynics were outraged/ Screaming, "This is absurd"/ 'Cause for a moment, a band of thieves/ In ripped up jeans got to rule the world” (fourth wall breaking, catra is actually singing this to her haters)

“I'm not afraid/ Long live all the mountains we moved/ I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you/ I was screaming, long live that look on your face”

“Will you take a moment?/ Promise me this/ That you'll stand by me forever”

Ours

just a cute song, go listen to it and insert literally anyone in it.

From “Red”

Treacherous

i feel like it fits the vibe of the dynamic, but I don’t feel like expanding on it lol

All Too Well(because ofc)

I honestly don’t know who narrates this one. either Catra or Adora fit well, but I’m more inclined to say Adora but idk why. it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

“And I know it's long gone and/ There was nothing else I could do/ And I forget about you long enough/ To forget why I needed to” -> in this one i was like, Adora for sure

“Maybe we got lost in translation/ Maybe I asked for too much/ But maybe this thing was a masterpiece/ 'Til you tore it all up/ Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well” -> But then this one came and I was like, well, depending on the pov, it fits both.

“And you call me up again just to break me like a promise/ So casually cruel in the name of being honest”(best lyrics c’mon) -> and the whole break me like a promise thingy made me think Catra’s pov, but then I guess you could also put it in Adora’s pov if you wanted to, so up to y’all.

I Almost Do

C’mon, Catra once again.

“And I just want to tell you/ It takes everything in me not to call you/ And I wish I could run to you/ And I hope you know that/ Every time I don’t/ I almost do, I almost do”

“I bet you think I either moved on or hate you/ ‘Cause each time you reach out, there’s no reply/ I bet it never, ever occurred to you/ That I can’t say hello to you/ And risk another goodbye”(kill me now, there’s still a lot of heartbreak for me to go through)

The Last Time

Catra’s pov, before she leaves Adora and has the little breakdown with Melog.

“This is the last time I'm asking you this/ Put my name at the top of your list/ This is the last time I'm asking you why/ You break my heart in the blink of an eye”

“Just like all those times before/ You wear your best apology/ But I was there to watch you leave/ And all the times I let you in/ Just for you to go again”

Everything has changed

baby Catra and baby Adora meeting and immediately clicking.(Tay is Adora and Ed is Catra for me, but as always, you do you.)

“I just wanna know you better/ Know you better, know you better now”

“'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello"/ And your eyes look like coming home/ All I know is a simple name/ Everything has changed/ All I know is you held the door/ You'll be mine and I'll be yours/ All I know since yesterday/ Is everything has changed”

“ And all my walls stood tall, painted blue/ And I'll take 'em down, take 'em down/ And open up the door for you”

Come back… be here

it talks about leaving and all, and the obvious choice is Catra, but Imma put it down as an Adora pov. for as much as I talk about Adora leaving Catra, Catra also left Adora. justified or not, their reasons, their motives or wtv is not what i’m here to talk about. I’m just stating that Adora asked catra to stay many times and catra didn’t. So the feelings of abandonment also fit Adora very well depending on the way it is weaved. Some are rly just plain Catra, tho. back to the song.

“And this is when the feeling sinks in/ I don't wanna miss you like this/ Come back, be here, come back, be here”

“And now that I can put this down/ If I had known what I know now/ I never would've played so nonchalant”

“This is falling in love in the cruelest way/ This is falling for you when you are worlds away”

“But you're in London, and I break down/ 'Cause it's not fair that you're not around”

From “1989”

Style

general catradora

“And when we go crashing down, we come back every time/ 'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style”

Out of the woods

general catradora

“We were built to fall apart/ Then fall back together”

All you had to do was stay

Catra’s pov. the line “picking up the pieces of the mess you made” just hits me where it stings, because I remember Catra trying to cover for Adora and then Adora not coming back and then having to deal with the wrath of Shadow weaver alone.

“Now, you say you want it back/ Now that it's just too late/ Well, could've been easy/ All you had to do was (Stay!)”

“Here you are now, calling me up/ But I don't know what to say/ I've been picking up the pieces/ Of the mess you made”

“Let me remind you/ This was what you wanted/ You ended it/ You were all I wanted “

I wish you would

Catra’s pov.

“Windows down, you pass my street, the memories start/ You say it's in the past, you drive straight ahead/ You're thinking that I hate you now/ 'Cause you still don't know what I never said/ I wish you would come back/ Wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I/ Wish you knew that/ I'd never forget you as long as I live, and I/ Wish you were right here, right now,/.../ I wish you would”

“We're a crooked love in a straight line down/ Makes you want to run and hide/ But it makes you turn right back around”

“You always knew how to push my buttons/ You give me everything and nothing”

Bad Blood(original version, not the remix)

Originally I thought, “oh this is Adora” but then I decided it was both of them together.

“’Cause baby, now we've got bad blood/ You know it used to be mad love/ So take a look what you've done/ ’Cause baby, now we've got bad blood, hey!/ Now we've got problems/ And I don't think we can solve 'em/ You made a really deep cut/ And baby, now we've got bad blood, hey!”

“Did you have to do this?/ I was thinking that you could be trusted/ Did you have to ruin what was shiny?/ Now it's all rusted/ Did you have to hit me where I'm weak?/ Baby, I couldn't breathe/ And rub it in so deep/ Salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me”

“Did you think we'd be fine?/ Still got scars in my back from your knives”(i really thought Adora here just cause of the literal scars in her back)

Wildest Dreams

if you want to headcanon a pre she-ra Catradora relationship, this song is really good. Since I’m trying( and def failing in many instances) to be as canon compliant as I can, I’ll skip it.

This Love

Catradora in the heart of etheria. could be both povs: either Catra holding Adora’s dying body and like “this love came back to me” or Adora prepared to die, dreaming about Catra, letting her love go, but in the end came back to her. for me, this is Adora’s, the whole song feels like her to me

“Currents swept you out again/ And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone” -> she’s fading, she’s being fully consumed now and the currents swept catra out from her.

“In silent screams and wildest dreams/ I never dreamed of this” -> she never allowed herself to dream that Catra would love her or that she wanted a future with Catra, but now she’s being faced with the loss of exactly that.

“This love is good, this love is bad/ This love is alive back from the dead/ These hands had to let it go free, and/ This love came back to me” -> their love is a very complicated thing, is not easy. they have a history of being enemies that tarnish it a bit and when it was too bad, they had to let it go. but the love came back to them in full force. alive back from the dead, literally and figuratively.

“Lantern, burning/ Flickered in my mind, only you/ But you were still gone, gone, gone”

“Been losing grip, on sinking ships/ You showed up just in time” -> adora dying, being saved in the most dramatic way possible.

“This love left a permanent mark/ This love is glowing in the dark” -> just the imagery, wow. and the antithesis of the mark of scars left by love and now the mark of it is the glowing.

“Your kiss, my cheek/ I watched you leave/ Your smile, my ghost/ I fell to my knees/ When you're young, you just run/ But you come back to what you need” -> finally reunited yay

I know places

Catradora in the Horde being super cute and hiding everywhere, just because.

“Something happens when everybody finds out/ See the vultures circling, dark clouds/ Love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out/ It could burn out”

“'Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns/ They are the hunters, we are the foxes and we run”

“Baby, I know places we won't be found/ And they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down/ 'Cause I, I know places we can hide/ They are the hunters, we are the foxes, and we run”

“Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it, my love”

From “Reputation” (Not expecting much from this one)

Delicate

Catradora being all cute and insecure after the end of the war and learning how to navigate their relationship, the old and the new. Catra’s pov, probably.

“This ain't for the best/ My reputation's never been worse, so/ You must like me for me/ We can't make/ Any promises now, can we, babe?/ Is it cool that I said all that?/ Is it chill that you're in my head?/ 'Cause I know that it's delicate (Delicate)/ Is it cool that I said all that?/ Is it too soon to do this yet?”

Gorgeous

so, i think this song is extremely cute and would fit very well in many various au’s, even some of mine, so I’m just leaving it out here, check it out if you haven’t, but won’t expand on it.

Dress(I was pleasantly surprised bout this one)

Catra’s pov.

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation/ My hands are shaking from holding back from you/ All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting/ My hands are shaking from all this”

“Say my name and everything just stops/ I don't want you like a best friend/ Only bought this dress so you could take it off/ Take it/ Carve your name into my bedpost/ ’Cause I don't want you like a best friend/ Only bought this dress so you could take it off/ Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me/ Flashback to my mistakes/ My rebounds, my earthquakes/ Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me/ And I woke up just in time/ Now I wake up by your side”

New Year’s Day

Another super sweet song that doesn’t exactly fit in the canon compliant list, but that I definitely use in my future Catradora headcanon, so I’ll just put in a few lyrics.

“There's glitter on the floor after the party/.../You and me from the night before, but/ Don’t read the last page/ But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you’re turning away/ I want your midnights/ But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day”

“But I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we're making mistakes”

“You and me forevermore”

From “Lover”(this album is so sweet fuuuuck)

Lover

the whole song. just, future catradora. Adora’s pov tho because this is such a dorkish in love song and that bit about “You’ll save all of your dirtiest jokes for me”, Adora saying this to Catra. that’s it

Paper Rings

future again. this whole album might be just me fantasizing about their future, who knows.

“Cat and mouse for a month or two or three/ Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe/ Darling, you're the one I want, and/ I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this/ Uh huh, that's right/ Darling, you're the one I want/ In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams/ Oh, you're the one I want”

Death By A Thousand Cuts

I forgot this song and I’m adding it now at the last minute. extremely tired. not gonna paste the song here. but go listen, it’s really fitting for catradora.

“saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts”

Afterglow

this is one I didn’t want to put in here, just because of a few lines specifically, but it made me think of Catra’s apology, so here it goes. (the parts “it’s all in my head” and “It’s all me” that bug me so, but we’ll pretend they don’t exist)

“I pinned your hands behind your back, oh/ Thought I had reason to attack, but no”

“Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves/ Chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there’s no us/ Why'd I have to break what I love so much?/ Sorry that I hurt you/ I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you “

From “Folklore”

OKay, so now that we got here, we’re gonna get a bit creative and take everything with a grain of salt(more than we’ve already been doing) cause I doubt we’re gonna manage to be canon compliant in every one(this includes evermore too, I’m about to go off in these two albums), but everything just oozes catradora, so bear with me. and if you made it this far, damn you’re hot.

The 1

Adora’s pov. before they actually got together.

“I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit/ Been saying "yes" instead of "no" -> her new life in Brightmoon and all her new good experiences.

“And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow” -> such an Adora thing to say.

“But we were something, don't you think so?/ Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool/ And if my wishes came true/ It would've been you/ In my defense, I have none/ For never leaving well enough alone/ But it would've been fun/ If you would've been the one” -> the longing, the yearning

“And it's another day waking up alone“ -> :(

“I persist and resist the temptation to ask you/ If one thing had been different/ Would everything be different today?”

Cardigan

Catra’s pov.

“And when I felt like I was an old cardigan/ Under someone's bed/ You put me on and said I was your favorite”

“A friend to all is a friend to none/ Chase two girls, lose the one/ You drew stars around my scars/ But now I'm bleedin'”

“But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss/ I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs/ The smell of smoke would hang around this long/ 'Cause I knew everything when I was young/ I knew I'd curse you for the longest time/ Chasin' shadows in the grocery line/ I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired/ And you'd be standin' in my front porch light/ And I knew you'd come back to me”

Exile

now rlyyy bear with me. It gets confusing. And big. It's the whole song too.

Bon iver's verse + Swift's chorus is Catra seeing adora move on so quickly and leaving Adora behind.

Swift's verse + Bon Iver's chorus is Adora's pov. And then they merge in the bridge to air their grievances. I'll demonstrate below.

“I can see you standing, honey/ With his arms around your body/ Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all/ And it took you five whole minutes/ To pack us up and leave me with it/ Holdin' all this love out here in the hall” + “I think I've seen this film before/ And I didn't like the ending/ I'm not your problem anymore/ So who am I offending now?/ You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seein' you out/ I think I've seen this film before/ So I'm leaving out the side door = Catra’s pov

“I can see you starin', honey/ Like he's just your understudy/ Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me/ Second, third, and hundredth chances/ Balancin' on breaking branches/ Those eyes add insult to injury” + “I think I've seen this film before/ And I didn't like the ending/ You're not my homeland anymore/ So what am I defending now?/ You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out/ I think I've seen this film before = Adora’s pov

and then the bridge with both.(it’s one hell of a giant bridge, not gonna paste it here lol)

My tears ricochet

This one i see as a conversation, one that I'll again exemplify lol.

“And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too/ Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe/ All the hell you gave me?/ 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you/ 'Til my dying day” -> both of them

“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/ And you're the hero flying around, saving face” ->Catra

“And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> Adora

“Look at how my tears ricochet” -> both

“I didn't have it in myself to go with grace/ 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave” -> Adora

“And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> Catra

“Look at how my tears ricochet” -> both

“And I can go anywhere I want/ Anywhere I want, just not home/ And you can aim for my heart, go for blood/ But you would still miss me in your bones/ And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky)/ And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)” -> both

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same/ Cursing my name, wishing I stayed” -> both

“You turned into your worst fears/ And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain” - > Adora

“Crossing out the good years” ->both.

I could honestly make a whole post about this song and Catradora, dissecting lyric by lyric, I even have an animatic for this song thumbnailed, so I’ll jump to the next one before it gets too out of hand. again y’all can ask me anytime if you want to know more.

Mirrorball

Adora and her self sacrificial bs and not being rly her so she can be what everyone expects *from* her. Make me cry more, why don’t you!

“I'm a mirrorball/ I'll show you every version of yourself tonight/ I'll get you out on the floor/ Shimmering beautiful/ And when I break, it's in a million pieces”

“Hush, when no one is around, my dear/ You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes/ Spinning in my highest heels, love/ Shining just for you”

“Hush, I know they said the end is near/ I can change everything about me to fit in/ I'm still on that tightrope/ I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me/ And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why/ I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try/ I'm still on that trapeze/ I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me”

Seven

Baby Adora to baby Catra.

“And I've been meaning to tell you/ I think your house is haunted/ Your dad is always mad and that must be why/ And I think you should come live with me/ And we can be pirates/ Then you won't have to cry/ Or hide in the closet/ And just like a folk song/ Our love will be passed on”

August

older teen/adult Catra reminiscing about younger teen Catra dealing with her love for Adora. Probably the last August before Adora joined the rebellion. (ignoring the love triangle ofc)

“But I can see us lost in the memory/ August slipped away into a moment in time/ 'Cause it was never mine/ And I can see us twisted in bedsheets/ August sipped away like a bottle of wine/ 'Cause you were never mine”

“I remember thinkin' I had you/ Back when we were still changin' for the better/ Wanting was enough/ For me, it was enough/ To live for the hope of it all/ Cancel plans just in case you'd call/ And say, "Meet me behind the mall"/ So much for summer love and saying "us"/ 'Cause you weren't mine to lose”

This is me trying

Catra's pov/redemption

“I've been having a hard time adjusting/ I didn't know if you'd care if I came back/ I have a lot of regrets about that/ Pulled the car off the road to the lookout/ Could've followed my fears all the way down/ And maybe I don't quite know what to say/ But I'm here in your doorway/ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying/ And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound/ It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you/ You're a flashback in a film reel”

Illicit affairs

Just leaving it out here cause it is so gayyy. And I'll prob write an au for this once I'm through with my five thousand WIPs.

Invisible string

Just the feeling of the song, not exactly catradora specific. More generic.

“Time, curious time/ Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs/ Were there clues I didn't see?/ And isn't it just so pretty to think/ All along there was some/ Invisible string/ Tying you to me?/ Time, mystical time/ Cutting me open, then healing me fine”

Mad woman

Catra's pov S1

“Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy/ What about that?/ And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry/ And there's nothing like a mad woman/ What a shame she went mad/ No one likes a mad woman/ You made her like that/ And you'll poke that bear 'til her claws come out”

Epiphany

Adora dying in catra's arms and dreaming about her future with catra.

“"Sir, I think he's bleeding out"/ And some things you just can't speak about/ With you I serve, with you I fall down, down/ Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out, out/ Only twenty minutes to sleep/ But you dream of some epiphany/ Just one single glimpse of relief/ To make some sense of what you've seen”

Betty

Another case of a song with STRONG catradora vibe, but too au- ish. The imagery of the song is too clear. Still, these parts here…

“The worst thing that I ever did/ Was what I did to you/ I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything/ But I know I miss you/ Yeah, I showed up at your party/ Will you have me? Will you love me?/ Will you kiss me on the porch/ In front of all your stupid friends”

Peace

adora's pov. I think is Adora kinda warning Catra that she can’t promise to stop saving the world, she can’t stop being she-ra, it is who she is and danger is going to follow her, so, is it enough if she can never give Catra peace?

“I never had the courage of my convictions/ As long as danger is near/ And it's just around the corner, darlin'/ 'Cause it lives in me/ No, I could never give you peace”

“All these people think love's for show/ But I would die for you in secret”

“The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me/ Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?”

From "evermore"(FUCKING FINALLY and everything is going to be au-ish I guess)

Champagne problems

Adora's pov, but i resent this cause THEIR PROBLEMS ARE NOT CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS OKAY? but nevertheless, It’s adora leaving Catra behind and breaking my heart in the fucking process.

“You booked the night train for a reason/ So you could sit there in this hurt”

“Because I dropped your hand while dancing/ Left you out there standing/ Crestfallen on the landing/.../ Your heart was glass, I dropped it”

“You had a speech, you're speechless/ Love slipped beyond your reaches/ And I couldn't give a reason”

How evergreen, our group of friends/ Don't think we'll say that word again/.../ I never was ready so I watch you go/ Sometimes you just don't know the answer/ 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you”

Gold rush

Catra's pov pining over Adora before and after she became She-ra, but especially after with the bit “I don’t like that everyone would die to feel your touch”. After all the pining and imagining what a perfect relationship they could have she wakes up to reality and sees that “it could never be”, “It will never be”.

“Gleaming, twinkling/ Eyes like sinking ships on waters/ So inviting, I almost jump in”

“I don't like anticipatin' my face in a red flush/ I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch/ Everybody wants you/ Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you”

“What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?/ With your hair falling into place like dominoes”

“At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit/ And the coastal town we wandered 'round had nеver seen a love as pure as it”

“My mind turns your life into folklore/ I can't dare to dream about you anymore”

“'Cause it will never be”

‘Tis the damn season

Adora’s pov. Adora being the one who left because she has to, but she misses Catra and their old times together. However, she knows she won’t be able to stay so she’s asking for this weekend and breaking her own heart in the process.

“There's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me/ But if it's all the same to you/ It's the same to me”

“So we could call it even/ You could call me "babe" for the weekend/ 'Tis the damn season, write this down/ And the road not taken looks real good now/ And it always leads to you and my hometown”

“You can run, but only so far/ I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave/ But if it's okay with you, it's okay with me/ Sleep in half the day just for old times' sake/ I won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay/ So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends/ And wonder about the only soul/ Who can tell which smiles I'm fakin'”

“And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own/ To leave the warmest bed I've ever known/ We could call it even/ Even though I'm leaving/ And I'll be yours for the weekend”

Tolerate it

Catra’s pov and how she thinks Adora feels towards her. How she only tolerated Catra until something bigger, better and shinier came along and she abandoned her.(what to expect from a track five, huh?)

“While you were out building other worlds, where was I?/ Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?/ I made you my temple, my mural, my sky/Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life/ Drawing hearts in the byline/ Always taking up too much space or time”

“You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I/ Break free and leave us in ruins/ Took this dagger in me and removed it/ Gain the weight of you then lose it/ Believe me, I could do it”

“If it's all in my head tell me now/ Tell me I've got it wrong somehow/ I know my love should be celebrated/ But you tolerate it”

Happiness

adora’s pov. I feel this is Adora letting Catra go after season 3. just, she loves Catra and there were many great moments because of her, but that doesn’t mean the hurt isn’t there now. also doesn’t mean she’ll be forever miserable, proved by her new life in Brightmoon. It’s her realizing that Catra is actually hurting her, and being angry and then letting go.(god this reminds me of a fanfic where catra stated that she was happy without Adora, could be happy without Adora. But with her, she could be happier)

“There'll be happiness after you/ But there was happiness because of you/ Both of these things can be true/ Past the blood and bruise/ Past the curses and cries/ Beyond the terror in the nightfall/ Haunted by the look in my eyes/ That would've loved you for a lifetime/ Leave it all behind/ And there is happiness”

“Tell me, when did your winning smile/ Begin to look like a smirk?/ When did all our lessons start to look like weapons/ Pointed at my deepest hurt?”

“I can't make it go away by making you a villain/ I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven/ And I pulled your body into mine/ Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties/ No one teaches you what to do/ When a good man hurts you/ And you know you hurt him, too” -> this whole bridge, man. THIS RIGHT HERE. They both hurt each other, there’s no simple clean cut way to look at things, to make Catra the big bad villain. but that also doesn’t erase the pain felt, so argh, this kills me.

“All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness/ You haven't met the new me yet/ And I think she'll give you that” -> and this little hint of hope.

Dorothea(i swear, i will write a Dorothea/tis the damn season au)

Adora is dorothea and this is Catra’s pov

“Hey, Dorothea, do you ever stop and think about me?/ When we were younger down in the park/ Honey, making a lark of the misery”

“You got shiny friends since you left town/ A tiny screen's the only place I see you now”

“It's never too late to come back to my side/ The stars in your eyes shined brighter in Tupelo/ And if you're ever tired of bеing known for who you know/ You know that you'll always know me, Dorothea (Uh-uh)/Dorothea”

coney island

again, both povs. one to each other, illustrated below.

“Did I close my fist around something delicate?/ Did I shatter you?/ And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island/ Wondering where did my baby go?/ The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go/ Sorry for not making you my centerfold” -> adora

“Over and over/ Lost again with no surprises/ Disappointments, close your eyes/ And it gets colder and colder/ When the sun goes down” -> both

“The question pounds my head/ What's a lifetime of achievement/ If I pushed you to the edge?” -> catra

“Were you waiting at our old spot/ In the tree line/ By the gold clock/ Did I leave you hanging every single day?” -> adora

“Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey?” -> Catra

“And when I got into the accident/ The sight that flashed before me was your face” -> Adora

“Sorry for not making you my centerfold” -both

Ivy (hold on tight, this is big)

this is a good one.

“How's one to know?/ I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones/ In a faith forgotten land/ In from the snow/ Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow/ Tarnished but so grand”

“And the old widow goes to the stone every day/ But I don't, I just sit here and wait/ Grieving for the living”

“Oh, goddamn/ My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand/ Taking mine, but it's been promised to another/ Oh, I can't/ Stop you putting roots in my dreamland/ My house of stone, your ivy grows/ And now I'm covered in you so” -> for me, this is Adora in the moments preceding the failsafe and the Heart of Etheria, and the person she’s committed to is She-ra(and dying as she-ra). And she’s trying to fight and be strong to make the sacrifice she knows she’ll be asked to, but she simply can’t stop Catra from “putting roots in her dreamland”. Catra’s touch enlightened her, even though tarnished by their years of being enemies, it felt grand and it could chase the pain away; just for a moment, all her pain fit in Catra’s hand. But, she grieves for this touch for she knows it’s only a dream. Even though she’s now “covered” in Catra, she’ll never be able to fully have her, not when she’s so committed to She-ra.

“I wish to know/ The fatal flaw that makes you long to be/ Magnificently cursed/ He's in the room/ Your opal eyes are all I wish to see/ He wants what's only yours” -> now here she’s in the heart of etheria and wondering why would Catra want her so much when she knows she can’t have her, when she knows she’s doomed. the He in this is Horde Prime. As we see in the “future hallucination”, all she wants is Catra and he wants(to destroy ofc) what’s Catra’s only - herself.

“How's one to know?/ I'd live and die for moments that we stole/On begged and borrowed time/ So tell me to run/ Or dare to sit and watch what we'll become -> Adora know it’s only borrowed time, it will end and she feels like there’s nothing she can do about that.

“So yeah, it's a fire/ It's a goddamn blaze in the dark/ And you started it/ You started it/ So yeah, it's a war/ It's the goddamn fight of my life/ And you started it/ You started it” -> here Adora is finally fighting back against Destiny, Prime, The Heart… and it’s all because Catra started it just by loving Adora, covering her in her ivy and making Adora so unable to not love her back.

(can you tell this is one of my favorite songs in the album?)

long story short

honestly, post-war catradora. Adora’s pov.

“Fatefully/ I tried to pick my battles 'til the battle picked me/ Misery/ Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep/ And you passed right by/ I was in the alley, surrounded on all sides/ The knife cuts both ways/ If the shoe fits, walk in it 'til your high heels break”

“When I dropped my sword/ I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door/ And we live in peace/ But if someone comes at us, this time, I'm ready/ No more keepin' score/ Now I just keep you warm (Keep you warm)/ No more tug of war Now I just know there's more”

“And I fell from the pedestal/ Right down the rabbit hole/ Long story short, it was a bad time/ Pushed from the precipice/ Climbed right back up the cliff/ Long story short, I survived”

closure

catra to adora pre season 5

“it's been a long time/ And seeing the shape of your name/ Still spells out pain/ It wasn't right/ The way it all went down/ Looks like you know that now”

“Yes, I got your letter/ Yes, I'm doing better/ It cut deep to know ya, right to the bone/ I know that it's over, I don't need your/ Closure, your closure”

“Don't treat me like/ Some situation that needs to be handled/ I'm fine with my spite/ I know I'm just a wrinkle in your new life/ Staying friends would iron it out so nice/ Guilty, guilty, reaching out across the sea/ That you put between you and me/ But it's fake and it's oh so unnecessary”

Evermore

just the message in general i think fits season 5 catradora very well. how, yeah, the pain sucks and it’s terrible but it won’t be for evermore. Justin’s bridge exemplify very well just the desperation of being in the middle of this whirlwind of pain, begging for a pause just to see if there’s any way to be recovered from that. it just so happens, there is.

no exemples in this one, the vibe of speaks for itself and I’m rly tired right now.

...

oof, so there was it. Hope you liked it! show me some love cause this took a while lol(but a got my TS marathon done without feeling guilty, because at least… content? so there’s that). if you made it this far, THANK YOU!! stream evermore and good night y’all(or morning or afternoon, wtv works for your timezone lol)

77 notes · View notes

btschooseafic · 4 years ago

Text

Hey you, what’s your dream?

Pairing: platonic!oc x ot7

Details: manager!oc, predebut/idolverse, partial BTS World!verse

Summary: Aviva struggles to keep up with all of her new responsibilities as a manager.

Warnings: This is a fictional story based on real events. The characters presented here are not the same as their real life counterparts. [Masterlist]

Track 9: New Responsibilities

Responsibilities- Thane, Anderson .Paak, BJ the Chicago Kid

“I ain't stressin' bout the future, take it day to day

It's a marathon baby I'm just learnin' the pace”

Aviva stared around at the graffiti on the walls of the private space she had rented for their first dance practice. It wasn’t much, but…

“Siljangnim?” Hoseok called out.

“Hobi!” She called back. “Stop calling me that!”

“But, you are our manager,” he said simply.

She blinked.

“Ah. Right.” She grimaced. He laughed.

“Did you forget?”

“No, I just… you could at least use ‘maenijeo’...” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Or should I call you Jung Hoseok-ssi all the time?”

He rolled his eyes at her formal address.

“Now you’re just making it weird... Have you heard anything from Jungkookie or Jiminie? I texted them, but they haven’t responded.”

She chewed her lip. “They’re not responding to me. Jungkook-ah always showed up to practice on time when I was with him in LA, but I haven’t worked with Jimin-ah that closely yet.” She looked at Taehyung. “What’s his work ethic like?”

Taehyung hummed. “Jiminie works very hard… but he also has trouble sleeping sometimes.”

“That’s understandable,” Yoongi thought.

Jin clicked his tongue. “Kids these days.”

Everyone laughed, although Aviva’s laugh was a little restrained.

“We’re almost out of time for the practice space,” she said worriedly. “Should I book another slot…?”

“Do we have the budget for that?” Yoongi asked bluntly. Aviva sighed.

“I guess we should start the practice without them.” She turned to Namjoon. “Namjoon-ah, you said you had some music you wanted to share with everyone?”

“Yeah.” He popped a CD into the player on the floor.

Taehyung bobbed along to the music. Jin made an uncertain face. Yoongi started arguing about the merits of local artists over international ones.

“Look, we can listen to both,” Aviva said, trying to calm them down.

“Yes, but the order we listen to them is important,” Yoongi insisted. Aviva massaged her furrowed brow.

“Listen, Yoongi-oppa—”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Jungkook said, looking exhausted as he and Jimin walked into the room. They looked more than exhausted, they looked about ready to cry.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Aviva asked worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“We weren’t trying to be late…” Jimin said.

“That’s all okay!” Taehyung said cheerfully. “Come in, my friends!”

“You could’ve let us know that you were going to be late,” Hoseok commented.

“We were too freaked out to think about that,” Jungkook said.

“Freaked out about what?” Aviva pressed.

“You should have called to be considerate,” Jin agreed with Hoseok. “There were a lot of people waiting on the two of you.”

“Hey, it’s only one tardy! Let’s just let this one slide!” Taehyung suggested, smiling brightly. Aviva nodded thoughtfully.

“Only one tardy?” Yoongi said, giving them a cold look. He crossed his arms over his chest. “We’re not here to play around. Whether you meant to be late or not, you have obligations to the group.”

“I agree with Yoongi-hyung,” Namjoon said, crossing his arms too. “You don’t succeed in this industry with just hard work alone.” He sighed. “I’m disappointed. I thought you both were more dedicated to this group. Do you really want to be here?”

“Hyung… how can you…” Jimin was now unmistakably teary eyed. “How can you doubt something like that?” Jungkook patted him on the back, leading him to sit down. Jimin took deep breaths. Aviva frowned, noting the bloody stain on the knee of Jimin’s pants.

“Jimin-ah…” She kneeled down in front of him. “Tell me what happened—how did you hurt your knee?” A few of the older boys made noises of surprise behind her.

“I waited so long for our first practice,” Jimin said. “I was so excited I ran here. But I was dumb and fell down a flight of stairs…”

“I had to convince Jimin-hyung to go to the hospital, that’s why I didn’t think to call,” Jungkook explained.

“Hey, I’ve been excited too,” Aviva told him. “It’s not your fault you fell over—Namjoon-ah does stuff like that all the time.”

“Yah!” Namjoon cleared his throat, his face pink. Jimin laughed a bit, his tears interrupted.

“But I’m glad Jungkookie convinced you to go to the hospital,” Aviva continued speaking to Jimin, ignoring Namjoon. “What did they say?”

“They said it’s fine. Just disinfected it, and gave me a Band-Aid, but it’s coming off already…” Jimin frowned at his knee.

“Oh, I’ve got Band-Aids!” Aviva said, popping up and running over to her bag.

Namjoon chuckled. “You’re just as clumsy as I am, Avi-yah.”

“I’m not,” she disagreed, handing Jimin the Band-Aid. “Does it hurt, Jimin-ah? Do you need anything else?”

“No.” He smiled at her. “The Band-Aid’s enough. Thanks for worrying about me, manager-nim.” He took her hands in his. “But you keep up your health too, okay? Don’t overwork yourself.”

Namjoon frowned slightly as he watched them.

A couple of days passed, and Aviva was still worried about the group dynamic. They kept arguing about small things, like who should change the water cooler. Such arguments were bound to happen, Aviva figured, but the boys seemed to be disproportionately angry in relation to the issue.

Jin and Jimin were refusing to speak to each other, sending Aviva back and forth with messages.

Taehyung interrupted, pointing out that their time slot was over.

Aviva glanced at her phone. “I’m sorry, I’m running late! I need to go, please get home safely, all of you.” She ran out of the room.

That night, the boys accidentally ran into each other in the practice room. The older boys were impressed when they realized the younger boys had been staying late to practice, sleeping over to be able to make the best use of the time.

“Well, that, and we couldn’t find anywhere else to sleep,” Taehyung finished.

Jimin nodded, grimacing.

“You hyungs are still sleeping in the supply closet at the offices?” He wondered.

The rap line trio nodded grimly.

“Usually Avi-yah would’ve realized by now,” Hoseok thought. “Especially when her new office isn’t too far away from the supply closet. Maybe she really is overworked…”

“Is that why Namjoon-hyung lied to her about having found a place to stay?” Taehyung wondered, blinking at him. Namjoon flushed slightly.

“It wasn’t, a lie, exactly.” He ran his hand over his face. “The renovation announcement was so last minute, and she’s got so much on her plate already, I didn’t want her to have to worry about this, so I said I’d take care of it, but I haven’t been able to find a place big enough for all of us, and when she asked, I couldn’t exactly tell her that…” He felt guilt heavy on his chest when he remember how relieved she’d looked when he told her it was all taken care of.

“Look, what’s this?” Taehyung picked something up off the ground.

“It’s Avi-yah’s notebook.” Namjoon took it from him, smiling as he recognized it as one of the many he’d bought for her over the years. He started flipping through it.

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy, hyung?” Jimin commented.

Namjoon’s smile turned sheepish. “I don’t think she’d mind.”

“She’s always writing in there,” Yoongi said, leaning over to get a look. “What does she write?”

“Um, everything.” Namjoon skimmed over cartoon doodles in the margins and hand drawn marketing graphs. “Our schedules, research on hip hop groups…” He smiled, pointing. “Look, she looked up both the international artists I suggested, and the underground local artists you suggested.”

Yoongi smiled slightly, shaking his head. “She does work hard, that one.”

“Right?” Jin agreed. “She’s only been here for a few years, but she’s already basically fluent in Korean.”

“Still, I bet she misses home sometimes,” Hoseok thought. “Did she seem happier when she was there, Jungkookie?”

“What?” Jungkook flushed. “Um, well, she seemed pretty happy, but she didn’t actually grow up in LA, so, I don’t think that’s… I think she was just happy to be able to speak English so much again, and to see Jenny-ssi.”

Hoseok grinned. “If you and Avi-yah’s little sister get married, maybe she’ll come live here too, and Avi-yah will be happier, and your older sister!”

Jungkook tilted his head. “I wouldn’t mind…” He waved his hand. “Not that I’m saying I’d want to marry Jenny-ssi—we’re not even really dating at this point, more like pen pals?” They all laughed. He huffed. “Anyway, we’ve got off track, we were talking about Aviva-noona.”

“I wouldn’t want her to be my older sister,” Taehyung said quietly.

“I wonder if this is really what she wanted—to manage a group of trainees like us?” Jimin said more loudly as Namjoon gave Taehyung a funny look.

Namjoon flipped through the pages, frowning at the color-coded blocks.

“Hey, Jimin-ah, did you know about this? Is that why you told her not to overwork herself?” He held up the schedule.

“Oh yeah.” Jimin grimaced. “I saw something like that the other day, when I was borrowing a piece of paper.”

“Speak to groups about getting members as featured artists and backup dancers, listen to lectures, hire instructors… and this is all after supervising our practice. How is she doing all of this in one day?” Namjoon shook his head. “When does she have time for sleep?”

“She needs to take better care of herself,” Yoongi thought aloud. Namjoon snorted. Yoongi frowned at him. “What?”

“Are you really the one to be saying that?”

Aviva rushed into the practice room, having gotten the keys from the janitor, after explaining she forgot an important notebook inside.

She felt around the wall for the light switch, but couldn’t find it. She let out a huff of frustration and used her cellphone light instead. She squinted her eyes at an oddly placed plant. Then she heard movement and squeaked, nearly falling over.

“Yah, careful!” A familiar voice called out. Aviva froze up as she felt the warmth of someone’s arms around her, holding her up. “The floor is hard.”

She shivered at his breath in her ear. “…Yoongi?”

“Wow, nice catch!” Another voice said.

“Taehyung-ah?” Aviva recognized his voice as well. She blinked as the lights flickered on. Jungkook and Jimin popped out from behind the suspicious plant Aviva had noted earlier.

“What are you doing here?” Jungkook wondered.

“Are you alright?” Jimin asked concernedly. “Manager-nim, are you hurt?”

“I’m, I’m okay,” she said a little shakily. Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jin came over. Namjoon looked at Yoongi and Aviva and frowned. Hoseok looked back and forth between them and then smirked. “Thanks, Yoongi-oppa… you can let go of me now.”

“Yeah…” He let go slowly, frowning at Taehyung. “Why’d you scare her like that?”

“You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that!” Hoseok agreed. Taehyung pouted, stepping closer to her.

“I was actually trying not to scare you—I thought it would be scary if I was too loud, so I was trying to be sneaky—are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m sure,” she told him. “It’s okay, Taehyung-ah, I just get a little jumpy sometimes.”

“Oh, so you don’t like horror movies?” Taehyung wondered, sounding disappointed.

“Sorry, not really.”

“You don’t have to apologize… I was just hoping we could watch one together.” He sighed, but then quickly recovered his usual charming smile. “What kind of movies do you like?”

“Action,” Hoseok said.

“Mystery,” Yoongi said.

“Fantasy,” Namjoon said. They looked at her.

“I like all of those,” she said.

Taehyung nodded. “We’ll watch one of those instead, okay?”

She blinked at him. “Okay, that sounds good.” She frowned. “Wait a minute, what are all of you doing here at this time of night anyway?” They looked around at each other nervously. “Huh…” She rested her hand on her hip. “It’s nice that you guys appear to be getting along again, but you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Um… I left something here,” Hoseok said slowly.

“Oh yeah?” Aviva said, doubtful. “What did you forget?” Hoseok rubbed his neck. Aviva frowned at the pain patch on his neck, spotting another one on his arm. “Seriously, guys, what’s up?” She looked around the room, spotting a few sleeping bags in the corner. Her eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping here?”

“…I mean, it’s the first night for here for some of us,” Hoseok said, cheerfully raising his hand. He chewed at the inside of his cheek. “Though, we were… kinda… sleeping in the storage room before that…”

“…Fuck,” Aviva said.

“Yah!” Jin covered Jungkook’s ears. Jungkook shook him off, grumbling.

Taehyung grinned. “Manager-noona, I’ve never heard you curse before.”

“Yeah, I taught her,” Namjoon said, smiling proudly.

“This is all my fault,” Aviva said, rubbing her temples. “I’m so sorry, Joonie, I shouldn’t have left this all on you. I knew finding a big enough place nearby would be difficult, so I should’ve checked in.”

“Why didn’t you?” Yoongi wondered.

“I’ve been distracted,” she admitted. “But that’s no excuse.” She bowed. “I apologize, it was my responsibility to find you a place to live, and I didn’t.”

“Aw, manager-nim, no need to be so formal,” Jin said, patting her on the back.

She straightened up.

“Right.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Wait!” Namjoon called after her. “Where are you going?”

“I’ve got to find you somewhere to stay—and someone to stay tonight right away!”

“But you’re busy already,” he protested.

“Gone already.” Yoongi grimaced. “She’s quick.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to mention it to her,” Jungkook said, sighing.

Jimin smiled. “I think we’re in good hands.”

“Right?” Taehyung held his hands over his heart. “I’m touched.”

“I found a temporary spot,” she said, later that night. “The commute isn’t bad, and you’ll have access to a backyard, and the living room and kitchen are a little bigger than the last place, but it’s still a one bedroom so you’ll still have to share.” She grimaced. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind!” Taehyung said happily, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Namjoon crossed his arms over his chest. “We’ve all slept in the same room before. I’m just happy not to have to sleep on the hard floor!”

Aviva shook her head.

“About that, Tae… it isn’t fully furnished either. I got them to throw in two and a half couches—“

“Half a couch?” Jungkook wondered. Hoseok elbowed Jimin.

“That’s for you, little Jiminie.”

Jimin scowled at him.

“So some of you can sleep on those,” Aviva continued, ignoring them. “But I couldn’t find seven beds on such short notice.” Taehyung’s face fell. “I’ve got two sets of bunk beds.”

“Even just that is impressive in a couple of hours,” Namjoon thought.

Taehyung nodded slowly. “…A couch is still better than the floor,” he decided.

“Yeah, at least bring a sleeping bag next time, dummy,” Yoongi muttered.

“Ah, Yoongi-yah cares so much,” Jin said, slapping him on the back. Yoongi frowned at him. Aviva smiled slightly.

“Anyway, I’ll text you guys the address, so feel free to meet me there.”

“Where are you going, noona?” Jungkook wondered. “Don’t you have a lot of other things to do tonight?”

“I finished the meeting, so I’ll postpone the other things,” she said. “The temporary unit I found doesn’t have any food, so I thought I’d grab some groceries for you.”

“We can do it,” Jin said. “Don’t worry, just continue on with your normal schedule.”

She bit her lip. “You’re sure?”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure,” Jin said. “I can make a dish out of anything, I’m not just a pretty face you know.” She laughed. He grinned at her.

“And I like grocery shopping,” Taehyung commented. “It’s like a treasure hunt!”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

“Before you go.” Namjoon held her notebook out to her. “Don’t forget this again.”

“Oh.” She smiled at him. “Thanks, Joonie.” She waved and hurried off again.

“Thanks, Joonie,” Hoseok imitated in a high-pitched voice. “Hmmm… tell me again why you haven’t asked her out?”

Namjoon flushed slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. “What, you mean, besides the fact we could both lose our jobs?”

Hoseok nodded. “Yeah, besides that. People do break the rules and get away with it, you know. If you decide the risk is worth it…”

Namjoon rubbed the back of his neck. “Is it? I mean, we’ve both been working so hard for this debut, should I really throw it all down the drain just because Aviva-yah is so…?” He waved his hands inarticulately.

“Cute?” Taehyung suggested.

Namjoon frowned at him. “That she is!” Hoseok agreed cheerfully. “But Joonie’s acting pretty adorable right now also.”

“Shut up,” Namjoon muttered. “Anyway, even if I’d be willing to risk it, there are other people involved, Hoseok-ah and Yoongi-hyung especially, I wouldn’t want to ruin all your hard work.” Hoseok nodded, thumping him on the back.

Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“Let’s just go to this new place and get some sleep.”

#bts #fanfiction #bts x oc #ot7 x oc #bts predebut #idolverse #manager!oc #bts world #ot7 #my fics #hey you what's your dream

9 notes · View notes

flow-green · 3 years ago

Text

Autumn!

Finally! My season has come. Yes, I confess, I am that forever annoying autumn girl who has a weak spot for colourful leaves, pumpkin spice, mulled wine, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings marathon and swirling herself around in falling leaves. BUT, in my defence, I was like that way before it all became mainstream and hip. I guess it is true that the seaon you were born at is the closest to your heart, which reminds me that in less than month it will be My Special Day I Get All The Attention I Want.

Anywho, I have now hauled all my Harry Potter themed clothes, autumn skirts, boots, sweaters and scarves from the closets and the very first Pumpkin Spice Latte has been drank. Have not yet baked apple pie, but this is because I have no access to oven. But, I think this issue will be solved fairly soon, fingers crossed...

Every day when running on my favourite route I see how leaves turn more colourful. It’s hauntinlgy beautiful to see nature die. It has its elements of rebirth, which makes autumn so special I guess: sometimes you have to let old things die for new things to come alive.

This year, autumn is somehow especially rememberable and sweet, because I think now, after years of being numb and dead to the world, I have started to live fully in the moment and have insane load of motivation. I have now been unemployed for almost two months. The beginning was difficult, I have to admit. I was stubborn and did not let myself to relax. I still carried my pack of cigarettes with me whereevere I went to have one whenever things got tough, and I kept biting my nails. But in August I discovered a completely new way of living and thinking whenever I was alone and took some time formyself, wether it be while running, doing manicure, meditating... It felt like these final negative emotions and low points had finally cleared my mind and I knew that this moment here is where I let everything go: everything that was in the past and what tried to define me; all the fights and destruction of self-confidence, panic attacks, losses, quittings, crying. And for the first time I actually listened what my mind and body has to say and what it needs. For the first time in YEARS I went for my runs with a complete new way of mindset. I took several days for myself only, when I took care of my nails, hair, skin, took up bullet journaling again.

I discovered some new talents and hobbies: I created my very first home page for our car repair shop company, I tried out accounting and journaling in local newspaper.

And now I am finally in that state where I have no rush. I take time to fix myself slowly and steadily, no express quick fix will not suffice anymore. I don’t rush to find a new job. Instead, I keep my eyes open and send out my resumes whenever I find something that interests me. Luckily I have an awesome supervisor from unemployment office who told me straight to first and foremost take care of myself before rushing into something that breaks me down again. How awesome is that, no pressure!

So, what have I been doing these past few months? Well, my main priority is to take a closer look at my physical and mental health. I have now finally learned to listen to my body. Of course there are days that I still fight and argue with myself and tell myself that oh my god, what a fat cow, but luckily these days grow more seldom. I can finally run the way I need, want and can. I go for walks not because I need my 10 000 steps, but just because I want to awe all the beauty around me and have a healthy conversation with myself. I do not rush, head first into the new day with all the responsibilities, instead I take my time in bed at least 15 minutes and be grateful for upcoming day. My sleeping patter has been stable for past 2 months, I no longer have my epileptic morning seizures, my hair is shiny and nails are healthy. I notice my surroundings and nature. We now take so many random trips with our caravan just to go someplace, spend time in nature and just... live.

I started to journal again, ordered myself a corgeous new diary and picked up my long forgotten hobby. I draw and doodle again, I create my planners, goals and collections.

I tipped my toes once again into kite surfing, after a year. Of course I failed badly! But, at least I pulled my self together and did it anyway.

I keep a sharp eye on my eating habbits. No, I don’t forbid or follow a strick diet. I rather observe a larger image: what kind of foods, time frames, portion sizes influence me in what way, what triggers emotions, when does my belly rumble and when is it nicely full; when do I get massive gravings for sweets and when would I kill for something fresh and healthy. I rediscovered my long lost passion for cooking, even though I am terribly rusty... I do miss baking and experimenting a lot!

I won’t add too much on my plate, thoigh. At the moment, I have paused my passion for BodyBalance, but this is my next little goal: to let go of my fear of “I am not good enough anymore, I cannot do this anymore!” and find my passion for BB. But I am not in a rush. I will do it as soon as I feel that now is the time.

Every day I am grateful that I am a part of a small and extremely weird little family. The three of us have become so close, we do our own special trips over the country and I am so thrilled to see that our critical and tough times have transformed into harmonic, full of laughter, adventurous days.

And the last bit of information piece: I think we are now moving towards our very own home... I don’t want to jinx it, but it is highly possible that soon this travelous trio will settle down for a bit in their own apartment... but more on that in my next post ;).

#my life #my journey #ed recovery #traveller #blog

1 note · View note

werejusttouchingeachother · 5 years ago

Text

SEOUL 2018 [August 10th, 4:27PM]

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 T/W: angst - mentions of abuse, depression, suicide, cursing Words: 4171

It was almost two months later when you finally met Baekhyun again after the night he left New York. He’d been at the dorms and you’d felt more terrified than you had been when you first launched your boutique.

Manager had ushered you inside quickly, immediately making you feel awkward as your eyes met Junmyeon and Sehun who were sitting on the couch and watching something on the television.

“Y/N,” Junmyeon called your name in surprise as he quickly stood up, wide eyes exchanging glances with Manager behind you. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I don’t think anyone did, Hyung,” Sehun mutters, giving you a small smile. “Hi, Noona. It’s been a long time. I missed you.”

You smile fondly at that, tense shoulders loosening at his contagious warmth. “I missed you too, Sehun.”

“I’m mad at you, though.” He crossed his arms. “You never called. Or responded to my texts.”

You flinched, expecting this accusation from the youngest member who’d always had the most fun teasing you and who you knew would take your silent treatment the hardest—not when you’d spent days and nights sending each other funny memes and pictures of dogs with bad haircuts almost on a daily basis only to suddenly ghost him.

“Yeah, I just…” you trail off and shake your head, knowing excuses were in vain. “I’m sorry. I should have replied.”

Sehun blinks at your sincere apology, not having expected it and his face clouds over with worry at your seriousness.

“Sehun,” Jun says, nudging him. “You can catch up with her later.” He gives you a meaningful look as he asks, “Y/N, aren’t you here to—?”

“Yeah, I’ll go check,” Manager says, turning to your left in the direction of the rooms. You grab his arm to stop him.

“Does he…?” You trail off and Manager hesitates before nodding.

“I told him that you landed here today morning.” He pauses before saying, “I think he’s expecting you.”

You waited in the hallway then as all the members slowly filed out of their rooms, giving you polite formal smiles (Jongin, Yixing and Jongdae), wary looks (Minseok and Kyungsoo) or blatantly ignored your presence (Chanyeol).

You didn’t say anything. If any of them knew what had exactly happened, you were sure that it had to be Chanyeol.

All of them joined Junmyeon and Sehun in the hall, the farthest room from Baekhyun’s to give you as much privacy as they could within a dormitory. Bowing your head in thanks, you walk past Manager and head for the right door at the end of the hallway.

Taking a deep breath, you raise your hand and knock gently on the door. You can hear the silence of the usually noisy dorm and it doesn’t help the way your heart is pounding against your rib-cage, your stomach twisting with anxiety.

The door opens then and your breath catches as your eyes fall on Baekhyun.

His hair is dishevelled and his clothes are drabby, hanging off him in a way that you knew all too-well that he had been wearing them for a while. His cheeks are hollow and your eyes run over his clothes, growing frustrated when you realise they’re too large to figure out whether he’d lost weight.

“You haven’t been eating,” Baekhyun says, his tone flat and your eyes fly back up to his face in surprise. You feel your skin rise with goosebumps at hearing his voice after so long and your eyes sting with unshed tears that you have to forcibly blink back.

“I…” You clear your throat before raising an eyebrow at him. “Neither have you. Your face has grown thinner.”

“What is this, a competition?” He rolls his eyes, stepping away to let you in.

“If it is, nobody is winning!” You hear Sehun shout from the hall, making you roll your eyes.

“Sehun, shut up!” Baekhyun yells as he closes the door behind him. You bite your lip as you look around the familiar room that was almost a home to you at one point—a point that seemed entirely too long ago now.

“Did you wear lipstick? Or did you chew it all off?” Baekhyun asks, pointing out your usual nervous habit and your gaze shifts back to him as he sits in his gaming chair, opposite the bed that looked unusually tidy.

He hasn’t been sleeping.

“Did you sleep at all this past week?” You shoot back, crossing your arms as you sit down on the bed and cock your head at the neatly made sheets. “Or leave that seat? How long have you been gaming in those clothes?”

“Why do you care?” Baekhyun snaps and you sigh, leaning back as you square your shoulders and remind yourself not to follow his childish antics.

“I didn’t come here to fight, Baek,” you start, trying to gather your thoughts. “I—”

“Y/N.” His voice is sharp enough that you stop, eyebrows rising as he inhales deeply before saying, “If you’re here to break up, just leave. I haven’t processed a lot since New York but I’m not numb enough that I can sit here and listen to you end everything. Being here in Korea must be killing you anyway so just leave and I’ll consider it the end. Let’s not make this any harder than it—”

“Shut the fuck up, Baekhyun,” you snap, eyes narrowed in disbelief as you gape at him. “Is that what you want to do? New York to be our last conversation? Just leave a two-years-long relationship like this?” You shake your head, holding up your hand to stop whatever he was going to say as you interrupted, “I’ll leave soon, don’t worry. As soon as I’m done telling you what I have to tell you.”

He falls silent, eyes watching you carefully and you take a breath before starting. “I told you something that night two months ago. Before you said that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. Something about my childhood. Do you remember?”

Baekhyun nods slowly. “You said that you’ve never been enough for your parents from when you were young. And I made you feel like that again, yeah, that’s burned into my memory, don’t worry.”

You shake your head, shooting him a look. “That first part, yes. The second part, no. This is what I flew out here to tell you, face-to-face. What I should have told you that night.”

Your teeth sink into your bottom lip as you take a second to muster the courage to say what you’re going to say. Baekhyun immediately notices your hesitation, his eyes clouding with worry at the obvious storm raging inside your mind right now.

It almost makes you smile—the fact that he could still read you like an open book. Despite all the pain, all the misunderstanding, all the conflicting emotions that were stirred up amongst both of you, he still worried about you, your thoughts, your nervous habits and your weight.

“My parents came from well-reputed families,” you started, leaning back against the wall. “It was an arranged marriage, a union that was more of a business deal than that of love. They weren’t chaebols or anything but they were well-off and had a long uninterrupted line of sons on my father’s side that always took over the business and carried it forward.”

Baekhyun’s face falls at this, already knowing where this was headed as you continued, “They wanted a boy. When I was born, it was more of a shock than anything. They tried a lot for a second child but my mother had some health issues and there were complications. So they were stuck with me and I was… never enough. I did everything they wanted me to do, always obeying their insane rules and never had any fun the way other kids did. I used to draw a lot from when I was a kid and they would rip my drawings apart, throw my colours away. I’d get into trouble if I didn’t do the homework or scored anything less than hundred on tests. I used to cry at school and my teacher told me that they do it because they love me, because they care. That most parents are strict so the kids will grow to be really smart.”

“So I studied hard. Began to buy separate notebooks to draw in and hide them where they wouldn’t find them. I lived by the rules they made, all through middle school and high school—it was always hell, I was always wishing to get away. I never even dared to like someone as a teenager because I feared what would happen at home if they found out. I didn’t have any friends because they discouraged it, said it was a distraction. They’d decided on the day of my birth that since I couldn’t take over the business, I’d follow the highest position for a woman—medicine. Their words, not mine. So then, I joined medical school and when I had to draw more bodies and organs than the clothes that went on it, I snapped. I had a phase where I stopped attending classes, where I failed all the exams and almost got suspended. It was a highly prestigious school so they called in my parents and they paid heftily to keep me at school, promising that I’d make up for it.”

You pause then, lowering your head and taking a breath since the next thing was particularly difficult to voice out loud.

“That was the second time my father hit me,” you say in a hoarse voice, clearing your throat before continuing, “The first time was in elementary when they found my doodles for the first time on my books. The teacher had sent a note to them, suggesting to join an art class because I drew more than I wrote notes and they beat me till I was black and blue. They told me that art was for idiots, that things like drawing, writing, acting and singing would never get me anywhere in life. After that was when I started my preparation for medical school. After I failed that too, I thought they would understand then or at least try. But they beat me again. And I thought I’d kill myself so, I ran away from home.”

You glance at him, smiling slightly. “That time we were at Tokyo, you were so surprised when I didn’t want to take pictures together under the cherry blossom trees. It’s not because I was cold that night—it’s because cherry blossoms always reminds me of that night I ran out in Korea. They were all I could see when I looked up and they were so pretty that it felt like they were mocking me. That was the first time I wished I could look up at the sky and see the Eiffel Tower, wish that I could be at Paris where I could draw freely and just live for myself.”

“And that’s when I realised that I was going to kill myself when I hadn’t ever lived. Not once, not even for a day, had I lived for myself. It was always for my parents and they never even appreciated my efforts or tried to understand me.”

You look up then, smiling although you couldn’t see him because your eyes were tearing up. “The only time that I lived was when I designed. I had nothing to lose. There was no one to please so I thought I’d fully meet the criteria of such a worthless disappointing child. I started dreaming about Paris and my boutique—I started dreaming of skies where I could look up and see the Eiffel.”

Baekhyun’s expression is unreadable but you continue, “You know the rest from here. I lied about going for classes and instead worked many part-time jobs. I saved up just enough money for one of the cheapest flights to Paris but it wasn’t enough, of course not. I got kicked out of school and I didn’t wait to get kicked out of home too—I used all the money I’d saved to move out instead and started working at Korea. Three years later, about the time all my friends were graduating from college, I finally had enough to go to Paris. For seven months, I struggled and starved and almost died because of how poor I was before my designs finally caught the eye of someone who saw my potential. I became his apprentice.”

You take a deep breath and grabbed the pillow from his bed, hugging it in your lap because your hands were shaking.

“I have a lot of issues with my parents, Baekhyun,” you state aloud, looking at him. “My childhood was traumatic for me and there’s a lot that I’ve been suppressing from when I was a kid. I’m insecure when people show me affection because I’m not used to receiving it, I have anxieties about whether they will leave so I think I should leave first because I always tend to think I don’t deserve whatever love I get. Seoyeon is a clear example of that as my only friend—the only one I’ve trusted enough to get close to me.”

“I moved out of the apartment after you left.” His eyebrows rise at this and you explain, “It felt lonelier when you were gone. It was too big and memories kept haunting me, I was always going crazy with my own thoughts so I decided to move into a smaller place.”

You paused then, inhaling softly as you felt your shoulders lighten like you’d just lifted a burden, one that had been weighing down on you for almost all your life. Feeling your heart race slightly because of the next thing you were going to say, you mentally prepared yourself for all the negative possibilities before continuing.

“I’m going for therapy,” you declare, watching his eyes widen in surprise at this. “Seoyeon told me that if I never deal with my past, it’s always going to affect any relationship that I have. I started almost as soon as you left and all these things I told you, Baekhyun, they’re-they’re just the surface of it. You know that I hate coming back to Korea even though you didn’t know exactly why. Same with the cherry blossom trees. There’s a lot more that I can’t tell you, a lot that I can only tell my therapist because it’s difficult for me to admit it openly, even to myself. But at the same time, these are the things I should have talked to you about, like you told me that night at New York. I let my insecurities get to my head and projected it onto you which was unfair.”

You place the pillow back and stand up then, looking down at him.

“I understand and accept everything you said that night,” you state, Baekhyun gazing up at you unblinkingly. "We don’t have to go public. We never do. I don’t care about that and I don’t think I ever did. The party that night, the way everyone was so welcoming… it made me question if I was even worth standing around such people. If I was worthy of your love and care.”

“And that is not your fault, Baekhyun,” you clearly enunciate, knowing he was going to interrupt with the opposite statement. “Those are just my fears stemming from my shitty childhood. Apparently my first instinct when shown love is to fight and then flee. But I know now that it’s not a matter of worth—you’ve only loved and cared for me, unconditionally, even when I’ve been closed off and so difficult.”

“I…” You trail off, heavy emotion weighing down on your chest suddenly and making you choke on your words as you hoarsely say, “I’ve only known darkness, Baekhyun, so when you shone down on me with all your light, I got blinded. I was an idiot and I fucked up something that was beautiful and the best thing that ever happened to me. But I can see clearer now for the first time in my life and I know better. And I know that I love you. So much that I am even willing to be mysterious Mrs. Byun X forever. No one has to know about us or me and I couldn’t care less.”

You take a breath then, meeting his gaze. “I’m opening the door again, Baek. And I’m giving you the same option I did last time except now, I can promise you that I do not care about being hidden and I also promise to try and fight my demons from wrecking what we have. If we have it again.”

Baekhyun blinks at you, pouty lips parted open as he gapes at you like a fish and you nod, stepping to the door slowly.

“You don’t have to answer right now,” you reassure him, forcing yourself to smile even though you were beyond terrified. “I know it’s a lot to take at once. Manager has the address of my hotel and I’m staying for a week. Or you can just text me, if you don’t want to see me. He has my number too.”

Baekhyun doesn’t say a word and you feel your heart crack slightly in your chest as you nod, biting down on your lip and turn to the door.

Swallowing heavily, you mutter, “Goodbye, Bae—”

You’re spun around by a death grip on your arm then, eyes widening as you look up at Baekhyun standing right in front of you.

“No,” he said, shaking his head as he dragged you back to the bed. He placed his hands on your shoulders and pushed you down forcibly, ordering, “Sit.”

“How can you leave like that?” Baekhyun asked, disbelief colouring his tone. “I didn’t even speak yet.”

You blink at his glare, stammering, “I mean-I just-I didn’t want you to feel pressured—”

“Y/N, it’s been two fucking months,” he snorts, shooting you a look. He retrieves his hands from your shoulders and lowers himself to the floor at your feet.

“You know that you can just sit beside me?” You ask, glaring down at him as a sudden memory flashes vividly in your mind. “Or back on that seat across from me?”

He shrugs as he sits cross-legged, looking up at you. The room’s light was right behind you and it shone down right on his face that made it look like he had stars in his eyes and you wondered if it was bright enough to hurt him.

“I want to look at you,” he says quietly.

“You’re sitting the same way you did that night,” you remind him softly, biting down on your lip.

His eyebrows furrow in confusion before he realises, eyes softening as he takes your hand from your lap slowly.

“I’m not leaving this time,” Baekhyun assured you gently, giving you a small smile as he played with your fingers. He raises his other hand to your face and tugged your lower lip loose from your teeth, shaking his head at you and giving you a warning look, the way he always used to whenever you kept gnawing at your lips.

He sits back and gives you a cheeky smile then. “Technically, I can’t. You came here to the dorms so I don’t really have anywhere to go from here—”

“I missed you,” you blurted, unable to stop yourself. His smile freezes at your words and you blink back the tears gathering furiously as you corrected in a softer tone, “I miss you.”

“Me too,” he murmurs, intertwining your fingers together. He grips your hand tightly and seems to struggle as he forces the next words out, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. Therapy and dealing with everything from your past can’t have been easy. I should have been there, I shouldn’t have left—”

“Baek, no,” you grab his hand holding yours with your other hand, shaking your head vehemently at him. “It’s good that you did. I needed to get my shit together—about me, about us. I needed to do it, it was time.”

He looks into your eyes, voice meek as he asks, “Are you okay?”

You start to nod and he tightens his grip on your hand again as he repeats, “No, Y/N. Really… are you okay?”

You pause, swallowing slightly as you look down at both your hands. “It’s… a lot. There’s a lot that I’m remembering and reliving that I don’t want to. But that’s how I can make peace with it, how I can stop—” You take a shaky breath, choking as you finish, “—stop hurting myself. And stop myself from hurting you.”

“Oh, god, Y/N.” Baekhyun lets go of your hands then, wrapping his arms around your shoulders. You still at the sudden unexpected embrace and he pulls you down from the bed onto his lap, hugging you tightly to him.

Your entire body seems frozen as you find yourself on the floor with him, his arms clutching you tightly to him.

“Baek,” you whisper, practically trembling in his arms when you feel his warmth singe into your skin. He is as warm as you remember him and when his scent, your instant comforter, flooded your nose after missing it for what felt like forever—you’re almost ready to cry.

He pulls away to look at you, shaking his head as he whispers, “Please don’t cry, baby, it kills me.”

His hands cup your face and you close your eyes, leaning into his touch as you sigh softly. You open your eyes and almost melt when you see the way he’s staring at you.

It reminded you of Paris—the way he looked at you every night when he said ‘goodbye’ at the door of your hotel room, a gaze that lingered and that you were reluctant to break away from.

Despite saying it already, you repeat, “I miss—”

Baekhyun closes the gap between your mouths, his plush lips pressing against yours tenderly as he held your face in his hands. You closed your eyes, responding instantly while your hands fist into the front of his shirt, clutching him tightly as if you were afraid he’d slip away.

He kisses you back just as fervently, holding you gently as if he didn’t want to break you. The kiss tastes as sweet as the first, your heart thudding against your chest and butterflies erupting in your stomach as if it was your first time.

You pull away to breathe with your eyes still closed and he presses his forehead against yours, feeling your breaths intermingle. Your eyelids flutter open and his thumb wipes a stray tear that had streaked down your cheek.

“I missed you too,” he breathes, pressing another kiss to your mouth. He lingers before pulling away, lowering his hands from your face as his eyes meet yours with determination before muttering, “Fuck it.”

You blink. “What?”

“Fuck it. I love you. We’ll make it through this, through everything—my job, your past, everything. We walked into this thinking our biggest problem would be the distance and we’ve overcome that. It’s… it’s fine. I can’t lose you again, Y/N. These two months have been hell, I’ve just been going crazy in here.” Baekhyun takes in a shaky breath, grabbing your hands from his chest and staring at your joined fingers. “Hyungnim told me that you needed some space and I thought it was over so I broke down but then he told me to wait, that you just needed some time. I thought you’d made your decision and the reason you weren’t reaching out was because you didn’t want to… be with me anymore.”

You shake your head and lean forward, kissing him. “That’s not… you know I can’t leave you, Baekhyun.”

“Then don’t.”

You smile, nodding slightly. “I won’t.” You hesitate, biting your lower lip as you ask timidly, “Does this mean that you’re walking in through the open door again?”

He smiles then, cheeks puffing and eyes shining as he replies, “Well, you know what they say. Love is an open door.”

“Literally betrayed her and left her to die but okay, Hans,” you tease and he rolls his eyes.

“Fine.” He grins, releasing your hands and wrapping his arms around your middle, pulling you into his chest. “Then… oh, right. Paris. Love is your open arms.”

You roll your eyes teasingly, snorting, “Always so cheesy.”

“Shut up, you love it.” Baekhyun drops a kiss on the top of your head and you close your eyes, smiling at how much you’d missed the gesture—genuinely smiling with your heart feeling full for the first time in months. Your veins that had gone numb after so much time apart finally felt alive, filling with the ethereal golden rays as he basked you in his contagious warmth.

Your sunshine.

36 notes · View notes