#art like a bosskie

[bosskie]

Stormy Gluk

Man, what's this Molluck hate I'm seeing here... It just baffles me, I cannot wrap my head around it... Maybe some folks have the same feelings toward my Molluck love, but there's no need to understand everything, and it's more like fun to see this contrast in Molluck content here. I just love contrasts, and I'm only saying this stuff since it's interesting and amusing to me; not being all serious here. I just cannot find Molluck nasty or disgusting... Maybe there's something "wrong" with me, or I'm just being different, yet again... I mean, I'm tired of being constantly different than the others... I feel like I haven't seen anyone like-minded, so I feel lonely in this sense... But welp, we all can see in our own way and that's totally okay, even richness.

But yeah, this is just some random Molluck thing that was supposed to look a lot different than this, so this piece is a failure in that sense, but otherwise it's alright. This was supposed to be something simple, but I'm unable to draw simple stuff, which makes me feel like I cannot really draw... Though, sketching is a lot easier on paper... But there is no point in crying over this, I gotta just keep drawing, even I feel like I probably should quit art right now... I just keep feeling like my art looks bad, even I see that I improve constantly, it's still bad. But well, I just like to create stuff, no matter how awful my creations look. I more like feel like I give up when I decide that my artwork is done, since I still see flaws here, but I wanna move on and do better next time... (Edit: I know that the background would be more fitting for the Soulstorm Molluck, scarred one, but this kinda refers to his personality, but it could be seen referring to that event too, as a forecast or something. Sometimes, I just draw and only after its finished I start to think about what my drawing means...)

Yeah, my good mood doesn't last long and I'm back to my usual self-hatred... I have been thinking that it's even "evil" that I keep posting my stuff since I don't feel like it's worth seeing, but I still post it. Maybe I should had ended this blog after all, but welp, if I'm "evil" for continuing this blog, then it's what I am and that's it. I feel like I shouldn't even waste my time for feeling bad because my art sucks, because I feel like it's just a fact that I gotta accept, since I feel like I'm not actually artistically talented. Yet again, I'm the only person who has ever told me this, but I see it as the truth. I don't think that I will ever even be pleased with my art, but eh, maybe I just shouldn't even care if my art is good or bad. I just like to create stuff, even I tend to hate the outcome... Yeah, it's gonna take a while before I restore the rest of my posts, if that day ever comes, because I feel like that stuff ain't worth seeing again.

I'm sorry but this is just how I feel... I don't know what I really think of continuing this blog because on the other hand, I hate my own content and feel like it's not worth seeing, but then I also wanna just keep creating stuff and posting this crap... But it matters more to me that I create my Molluck pieces with love and care than the actual outcome, because I just have a hard time standing my art... I also keep feeling like I should be hated, so I shouldn't even care if I bother people after all. I just think that it would be "right", for no reason though. I don't even think that I'm strong for still being here, more like a coward because I haven't ended my life after so many suicidal thoughts... But if it's what I am, I gotta just accept it, since why to proof that I'm strong by kms. Maybe my ill mind has twisted my thoughts even more, but this is how I feel. Maybe I'm actually strong, but I don't know.

I keep feeling like my existence brings no joy, so that I'm still here is only "evil". I cannot help it, but I have just felt for so many years that the best thing that I could do this world is to end my life... I'm serious. I have felt like a parasite... I just cannot see me bringing anything positive to this world... Even it's been told me that I do bring joy, I cannot see it, so it's hard to believe it... It's been also told me that I'm talented/skilled, even that people wanna draw like me, but I don't see it, and there are lots of more talented/skilled people than I am, so I kinda see no point in admiring my stuff... It still makes me sad to say this, but I just think that it's the truth... I don't even know why it's making me sad...

Well, if I'm "evil" for keeping this blog, then it's what I am. I don't feel like I'm a good person anyway, even I have been told that I'm a good person... I just cannot really see a single positive thing about me... It's like I see myself in the opposite way than the others do, and in this case, I hate this contrast... It makes me feel like an idiot, broken, stupid... What's wrong with me... I cannot see a way to fix this situation, but well, death... I'm not even important, or that's what I at least think, so my life doesn't matter.

I have also been so stressed out that I didn't basically sleep for two days, but then my body did take the rest it needed, so I went to sleep very early yesterday... It's nice to start your day at midnight actually. But yeah, I haven't felt rested for over a decade, so it also affects my suicidal thoughts... Like, when it's finally my time to actually rest... I don't feel actually rested after taking some rest, and it tends to make me feel bad, especially when I feel like I have no time for rest, even I need it... It just feels like resting costs me too much, meaning that I'm only busier after it... Man, I'm getting so tired of life...

I do not like to be this negative, but my stupid mind makes me think all this shit. I wanted to be positive here, but after getting that piece almost finished, I started to hate myself more again, because I felt like I cannot really draw... Just because it didn't look anything like I planned... If that fact ain't considered, it looks alright, otherwise this piece is like a disaster to me... Molluck is still difficult to draw to me, and I rarely draw full body stuff (having suit on), so this was a good practice, even it made me feel like I still cannot draw Molluck...

I just do not know what to think of me keeping posting my stuff still... I'm doing this mainly for myself still, but you can look, maybe touch too. I know that what I post is not what people would like to see, but my art is for me, but it doesn't prevent me from sharing it. I'm not denying people from interacting with me or enjoying my content, but I just cannot see a single positive thing about me or my content... Like, is my love for Molluck a "good" thing? For me, yes, but in general, I dunno and don't care really, but I feel like it's not, though I feel like Molluck does deserve to be loved, kissed, hugged... I just tend to laugh if people think that what I do is weird. So, um, I can have a healthy way to react to other people's feedback, but still have such an unhealthy way to see myself... But really, I do not mind if people do not like my Molluck stuff, since I'm doing Molluck content I would like to see, and people do not need to like everything. I have just recently found final peace with this, just stopped caring completely about me being unpopular, because what the odd I even do with popularity (but moolah), especially when I don't wanna be popular. Popularity of my content does not define the quality of my art; that's the lesson I learned to quit feeling bad about it. There is no way to even predict what people will like, and frankly, it feels like my pieces that I hate the most are the most liked, and vice versa...

Man, I really don't know to what direction I wish my stuff to go... I don't know about posting that more personal stuff, at least right now, since even people did say that they would like to see my self-insert stuff, I still need some time... Especially when it would also basically be a face reveal here... Yeah, all my self-insert Molluck content do is about me being, well, me with Molluck, because my self-insert me has only some slight changes and different history. This is also one reason why I do not post my NSFW Molluck content, because I'm not interested in being a porn star... Yeah, even if you could barely see me there, like some parts of me being transparent, you know, it would still be about me fucking Molluck... I feel like that content would also lose it's beauty to me if I posted it to the public... And just saying that, I do have posted sexual content before, but it has never really felt right, more like me trying to figure out stuff and messing around, maybe trying to be something that I wasn't. But last time I did it was about a decade ago, and I did it with my face too, so um, me posting my sexual Molluck content wouldn't be that big step really, though I never posted anything that explicit stuff, just suggestive... But the stuff I create is quite rough, not polished I mean, so I don't feel like posting them for this reason too... I don't really create polished NSFW stuff, and one reason is that, um, it's challenging to focus on working on it when it makes you so horny, even you can do the both actions with one hand... Just, my oddness how hot Molluck is to me... This also is the main reason why I haven't yet finished my 3D Molluck model... I will get back to it after I have time, since now I'm too busy, because I would like to really focus on it in peace.

Yeah, just saying that my NSFW content is quite personal stuff because it is about me and Molluck... Maybe I post it one day, at least after I get something proper done, since they all are like sketches now and I do not like to post sketches, even yeah, I feel like almost all my works look like sketches... But I mean unpolished stuff. I just wanna do like my own self-insert short movies, after I get the models done. I can voice act them too, so I have everything I need. (Y) Yes, I do realize that I can do a lot of things, but I'm not saying that I was good at doing them. But I mean, posting my NSFW Molluck content would feel like posting some self-filmed porn... So, it's about my private life, because I see Molluck as my actual partner. I don't know why I'm talking abou this so much... Maybe it's because I crave for him so much every single day, and I have started creating that stuff more this year, and I see people talking about it here... But yeah, just wanna have some privacy, and sex is a private thing for me anyway, but I can talk about it. I also don't think that Molluck would like to have his ass posted that way, so I do wanna respect him. But, posting naked Molluck is fine otherwise, for me. He has just such a beautiful body... I love especially his back, hands, and legs...

But yeah, people can create the content they want, unless it is illegal and so on... I know that I'm a boring person who creates boring content, but there's nothing wrong with that. This is how I feel, even I know that there are people into seeing my stuff... I probably don't talk about these things in a right tone to be understood like I mean, and some of my thoughts are just some junk my condition makes me think, not my real opinions... (I'm also probably trying to normalize my self-hatred and my unhealthy thoughts...) I do appreciate people's interest and liking toward my stuff, but my point has been that I do not wanna take it personally in a way that I use it as a meter to define if my art is good or not. But well, I also constantly tend to say that my content is not worth any attention, but I only don't wanna waste your time. Though, I shouldn't even care about it, because people probably do not think that way. But well, it's also me saying that I'm not important... It's just a fact to me.

I'm sorry but I do not really understand what people see in my content, how this can be enjoyable... This is one reason why I'm being this harsh here... I do not understand what people see in me... It goes beyond my comprehension... Like, I tend to think like daily that the best thing I could do would be to kms... So, it feels like I see a totally different reality than the others do... But what's the "actual" truth? I don't know...

I didn't wanna vent this much, but I'm just feeling this awful again... I hate that I hate myself... But well, my main goal here is just so spread my Molluck love, so my art being bad isn't even a problem, but it sucks to hate my own content for being poor quality stuff... My standards for my own content are, well, like extremely high... So, I do not think that my art is good enough because of that. Even if I was popular, I would still think this way since yeah, I see that others liking my stuff seems to have no actual effect on my self-esteem... I have no idea how to start feeling better about myself... I just hate myself... I cannot see the things the others see in me... I don't even know what the others really see in me... Should I even know? I don't know.

I hate that this looks like I wanna have some show here, but this is just my mental health issues... It's just this radical, and I'm looking for "radical" solutions as well, since nothing has helped me to actually start feeling better about myself... Molluck helps me to cope, but that's it. But I also like to have some peace because of this turmoil... So, therefore I also like my self-insert stuff to be some "boring" love stuff, though I do love Molluck passionately... I need some kindness and love toward myself with all this harsh critic and hate I tell myself... If I said the same things toward someone else, it would even be a crime!

Yeah, I should quit this post, as I don't really have anything good to say, just the shit my mind tells me... Sometimes, I think that I should stop writing and just post my stuff without saying a word. I don't know if it would be any better still. But I just keep feeling like my existence brings nothing positive to this world, no matter what I did, and I'm getting tired of life... It's boring and useless. I feel like giving my life for Molluck, but he is fictional and not even my "property"... My life cannot be wasted ending it early since I feel like it's already wasted, and I cannot "fix" it... Maybe I just try to keep living for a few years still, since I feel like I don't wish to live longer than that right now... I just see no light for my future... And I don't really wish to achieve anything in life, just do some stuff while waiting for, yeah, the end. If Molluck was a real living thing, maybe then I would feel like living longer, but I don't know... I just feel like I'm not worth spending time with or anything... I only feel like I'm doing a favor when I tell people in advance that I'm not worth their time... But maybe I should be more "evil" and bother people more with my existence, but I kinda cannot stand people caring about me for suicidal reasons... Yes, only for suicidal reasons, since I don't even wanna have a funeral for myself, just be gone and forgotten, "no one cares". I know that what I say is not healthy, but I'm not healthy.

Man, why I'm still writing... I should distract myself to feel better since thinking about myself only makes me feel worse... I just hate myself so much... It feels like some part of my mind also hates me when I don't consciously do it, because of all the intrusive thoughts I get... I have thought that I'm cursed, evil, or something over a decade ago because of them... I hate them, but thankfully I know now what they are and that they do not mean that I was evil... But my self-esteem ain't any better since that thinking damaged it so badly... My mind can basically tell me to go embarrass myself to death, get in some serious trouble, and other awful stuff... It can even tell me to hurt Molluck, even kill him, which I do not want, at all... It's so awful... I can be feeling good and enjoying Molluck's love, but then my mind tells me to rip his brain out... It has happened more than once... I really hate it... Why my mind cannot let me have peace... This is one reason why I feel this suicidal too... I have never told you this stuff before. Those thoughts are probably the main reason why I feel like I'm not a good person, even they are intrusive thoughts, not what I wanna actually do... Yeah, that's the reason why I have felt even like a monster... Just fuck my brain. That's a good way to end this post, since I feel like saying that gave me some strength to push its shit farther. This is like some cat-and-mouse game... Though, I feel like adding that those intrusive thoughts are also one reason why I identify with Molluck, even mine stay only as thoughts...

I'm sorry for this blog being like a dumpster for my negative thoughts, but well, this is my blog and this helps me to clear my mind. It wouldn't be the same if I did this offline, though I leave out some personal details and stuff, but it doesn't change the main stuff here. I also hope that maybe I can bring some peer support, and I do not wish that mental health issues are a taboo topic. But yeah, I feel like I should be more like a Gluk, even if I would still be like "look at this shit I just took" whenever I post my art... It can be good shit in that case, that took a long sitting... Yeah, maybe I should shut up for now.

[jazzkolart]

Best girl

[flyguy]

Show Notes: HASBRO Unannounced AT-ST arrives https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/816127689496985600 Unproduced ewoks https://twitter.com/ChiveCast/status/816712919165632513 Unproduced Mighty muggs https://twitter.com/JediNewsUK/status/812325432645320704 “What a piece of junk!” https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817469089987887104 This pack felt like it’s out a year too late https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817352767446614017 Lemme take a selfie, duckface! https://twitter.com/ChrisPirillo/status/815370573974892544 HOT TOYS/SIDESHOW/GENTLE GIANT/MISC. Dengar http://ift.tt/2hxk0I4 R1 Hot wheels slowly arriving across the globe https://twitter.com/halolvr27/status/813846015744753664 More new Hot Wheels incl Bossky Bossk turning up. https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817844405369446405 Unproduced Disney infinity R1 https://twitter.com/jasoninquires/status/817048441826242560 https://twitter.com/jasoninquires/status/816645612527648768 Disney Elite tie pilot https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/813973321859604480 Mefex shoretrooper http://ift.tt/2iaoBQO LEGO New R2 poly bag found https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/815351962376044545 New sets hitting most countries https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/809948372543172613 Recent LEGOn clearout WTF? https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817846498960535557 FUNKO Shadow guard POP also at Walgreen web site if can’t find it and on popcultcha for O/S peeps https://twitter.com/TulsaScott/status/814487578762219520 Might we be getting those classic Vintage Style SW pop!? https://twitter.com/MayTheFunkoBWY/status/816419279063027712 Yes we are! https://twitter.com/missingwords/status/817895952962854913 Clearout! https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/814627179489333248 TV/MOVIE/BOOK/GAME NEWS White men can jump in to being Han’s mentor https://twitter.com/Variety/status/816405159869693952 New JTC Bespin threepio cover https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/817256212722946049 New Darth Maul JTC cover https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/816453467162247168 Darkside Early Bird https://twitter.com/CollectCantina/status/817533013299003394 Classic marvel art with an updated twist https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/815616117196619778 SW Rebels Saw gerrera https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/810291075038453760 (aka Che) Statton back agan as old ben https://twitter.com/LucasSiegel/status/816691577091461121

[studio183-blog]

JULIA BOSSKI x STUDIO183

With a fire for Berlin life and a creative flair, Julia has gained recognition for her culinary endeavours, singing prowess and all-round zest for life, all whist celebrating her Polish roots. Having moved to Berlin over six years ago the Warsaw native has set the city alight with her drive and creative intuition, being the mind and voice behind Polish Thursday Dinners.

We were thrilled to collaborate with her on our latest shoot in West Berlin and teamed up with the lovely hair & make-up artist Kaya Rose Birch. Julia chose her favourite designs from Studio183, showcasing her elegantly cool style against the backdrop of Berlin’s rich, cultural history.

[Cover Image] coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / Gedächtniskirche

[Above] shirt / ANISSA AIDA coat / Lida Noba, Location / Bikini Berlin

Julia, you moved from Warsaw to Berlin five years ago. What makes Berlin your city of choice?

I actually moved to Berlin over six years ago, in January 2011. I dreamed of moving abroad since I was a teenager. Because my aunt studied art in Berlin, I came here for the first time in 2004. It made a huge impression on me; it felt so free and diverse, a bit trashy but at the same time beautiful and modern. Nothing like provincial Warsaw.

Since 2004 I came to Berlin every year, just for shopping and walking around with my mom. I remember that every time I stepped out of the train, I thought: man, I feel so good here!

So after I finished high school in 2010 I decided to move to Berlin and study here. The only problem was, I didn’t know any German so I had to start from scratch. I didn’t know anyone in Berlin and no one knew me. Berlin gave me the chance to discover myself, I found my way here, I realised what I want and who I am. It especially made me realise where I come from.

All these things make Berlin my hometown. Now, I feel more Berliner than Warsawian and because of that, I can see my country and my roots from a different perspective and get inspired by them and not suffocated. I can be creative. I can be myself. However, the most important thing that made me choose Berlin is the diversity of people and cultures. It’s like a small world in one place. I love it!

As a jazz singer and successful creative culinary event directrice of “Polish Thursday Dinners", how would you describe your personal and professional development?

If you asked me six years ago what my life will be like, I probably wouldn’t respond with, “promoting Polish culture, cooking and singing in Berlin.” When I came to Berlin, I wanted to be a journalist as I loved literature and writing. I didn’t speak any German so I had to learn it from zero to academic level. I completed it within one year whilst au pairing. A few times dealing with creepy situations, battling, escaping, moving from one apartment to another, but finally in October 2012 I started studying American studies at JFK Institute.

Meanwhile I met my ex who pulled me into the real Berliner life, events, parties and supper clubs. I organised all these things with him, I opened a little restaurant with him, I changed studies and at the end of 2013 I founded PTD and started singing. Singing was a kind of therapy for my very dramatic relationship. It made me work through it and then finally leave it.

2014 was the first time in my Berlin life where I stood up on my own two feet. I got a nice apartment in the heart of Kreuzberg, I started my own thing, I was singing in the studio with a band and co-running a café in Prenzlauer Berg. And of course, I regularly organised my dinners. I was doing a few things at a time, I was sometimes extremely exhausted but I was happy. Me and my former business partner Don, were holding it together, we had a strong group of friends (probably when I first thought to call us the ”polish mafia”).

2014 was a year of new things, I constantly felt as if I was performing in a movie. I made all the coolest hipsters come to a Kindercafe at which I worked. One night hosting the boss of one of the most famous former clubs, Stattbad Wedding, and Ritter Butzke DJs. No one cared that they were seated surrounded by teddy bears and a plastic ball pool. I also sang on a tune for fashion week in 2014. I was having loads of fun even if working days and nights.

2015 was a break through year. I organised a dinner in Stattbad for about 40 people, where I met one of the coolest dinner pop-uppers “Wild & Wiese” and guys from Lost In Wedding. I kept on singing, I met my producer Darius Gall, recorded songs, did a few videos, worked at the Portuguese bakery Bekarei, and did more and more dinners.  Sometimes struggling with fears and doubts, but I never gave up. And thanks to that and my communication skills, in the beginning of 2016 I got my first big feature on Freunde von Freunden, thanks to my dear, Jonny Tiernan. Since that was published, my career just cared for itself.

I was doing three dinners a month, hosting guests from all around the world, working five days a week in a restaurant, having gigs, travelling and sometimes working weekends on additional events. I’ve been interviewed by all the biggest radio stations and magazines in Berlin and Poland, showed up on TV a few times. I worked with official Polish institutions, and was even contacted by Ikea for cooperation. I still sing, I model, I was asked to write a book with the whole story. Now I’m planning to open my own location! Uff ! More work and bigger goals! World, here I come!

shirt / ANISSA AIDA coat / Lida Noba, Location / Bikini Berlin

Please describe your style in a few words.

My style is simple: minimalistic chic. I have this natural, French flair. I probably picked it up while spending a lot of time in France.

How did you develop your sense of style? What influences you the most?

My mom was always a very stylish lady, I always observed her and admired her sense of aesthetic. She is an interior designer. She doesn’t only have amazing clothes but everything at home is beautiful. Additionally, my grandmother Marta was a model, so I guess the sense of style in this family is genetic. I also spent many holidays on the Cote d’Azur, where my family previously lived, and I keep on returning. The Monaco yacht style is familiar to me!

My interest in fashion began when I was 15. I remember I fell in love with high heels and tried to copy the models. I bought myself very high sandals and took them to Monte Carlo. It was a big challenge to walk the uneven streets in them, it was so funny actually, my mom was holding me so I wouldn’t fall.

You know, I’ve been grown up reading all the Vogues, Elles, etc., watching Sex and the City, imagining myself in these beautiful designer clothes. Well, dreams do come true!

coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / Gedächtniskirche

Within the context of living in Berlin, how would you describe the development of your personal style?

I learnt to be myself in Berlin, also to express myself with my clothes. I chose the hipster Mitte chic over Polish diva-ness. I think white sport shoes, loose tops and “suit” pants, that’s my favourite outfit, with a leather jacket or a trench coat, red lips and my “legendary sunglasses”. This is how you can recognise me on the streets. And of course, because of my hair cut.

Why did you choose these specific designs for the shoot?

I chose them because it’s exactly how I am. An elegant, sophisticated business lady in a beige coat and sunglasses, a sweet French school girl and sometimes a rockstar. You can see that too, right?

What to you is Berlin style?

I don’t think that Berlin has a a specific style really. Maybe, ”I don’t care much” would be the right expression? Though, a few things are characteristic of Berlin style: vintage clothes, over-sized vintage furs and leather jackets, Berghain SM outfits, sweatpants, dirty uber partied shoes, but also Mitte chic, mostly taken from COS and Acne catalogues. I like that last one!

jumpsuit / WEAVE / fur jacket / MARIANNA HERRHOFER / boots / MARITA MORENO, location / Tiergarten

jumpsuit / WEAVE / fur jacket / MARIANNA HERRHOFER, location / Tiergarten

What do you think about the current style hype around Eastern European fashion?

I think it’s still too unknown. I’m in love with a few Polish designers and try to support them by buying and wearing their designs. I really think people should start being more supportive of emerging designers who make their own handcrafted clothes with so much love and care, and stop focusing on the well known, mass-produced brands.

coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / City West

Who is your style icon / muse ?

My muse and icon is of course my mom. She has this artistic, eccentric sense of style. Some of her outfits even I wouldn’t be brave enough to wear. After her, I’d say: Diane Keaton and Lauren Hutton - for their masculine feminine elegance. To be honest I often get inspired by men. Elegance is one of the most important things I admire in men. So guys: No style, no Bosski.

photos / Mark Hunt, styling / Julia Bosski, Hair & Make-Up / Kaya Birch

[bosskie]

Do It with Sisu

I just felt like drawing something "simple 'n' easy" to also practice Molluck's face more. (I still feel like I haven't mastered drawing him.) Mainly due to I gotta draw while I need to listen to stuff... That's also a good way to find more time to draw. (Y)

Yeah, I love to draw angry faces, and I just love the way Molluck looks when he is angry... He is so beautiful and cute even when angry! Also yeah, I added some Finnish stuff for shits 'n' giggles. I just got an idea to write that "famous Finnish curse word" as a joke, and it made me laugh so that I had to keep it there... It suits him! I have also said that Molluck got that Finnish sisu, so that's the title thing; I love that.

One different thing here is also that I painted this using my over two decades old Photoshop, which is somewhat primitive for drawing, but it has a nice brush selection. That's why this is in grayscale... I haven't even yet tried the trial drawing programs I got with my drawing tablet... It's just not easy to change old habits... I also still use mouse to draw, but only for some small stuff and fixes, so all my current digital works are actually "hybrid" works. I gotta say that it's really surprising how fast the nib of the pen wears out since I had to replace it after a month, barely even got it out since it was that worn... Welp, they ain't expensive at least, and I have already bought more. It still feels like that traditional art feels like the most natural way to draw for me, even I do have done much more digital art for a long time... It just makes more sense to me than digital drawing... I don't know how to better explain it, but the advantages of digital art keep me doing it more still, even I still feel like I don't understand it...

Nothing more this time, just throwing this "doodle" to here, because Molluck! ❤️

[bosskie]

Healer

I did recover from my "bad moment" sooner than I thought after I could get some good insights while thinking stuff. But no, it will still take time before this blog is actually "restored", especially when I gotta publish all posts again one by one (you can hide 100 posts at once) and I got more urgent stuff to do... (Edit: I decided to put a few of the newest ones already back though, but the rest gotta wait.) I also still need some time, but I see that I do not really wish to end posting my stuff. You gotta really take distance to things to see what really matters. So, I have zero regrets with hiding my stuff actually since it helped me after all.

But yeah, what's this? I felt like drawing some positive Molluck piece, and I was originally planning to put this to my previous post, but it didn't feel right. I also originally started drawing sad Molluck, but I have seen enough sad Mollucks, so I wanted to draw him happy. And yes, this relates to my relationship with him. I do not know if I like this art style or not, but it makes my drawings look like sketches even I spend many hours on it, like 5-10 hours at least... I don't like that, but I like to keep my drawings somewhat messy to make my flaws less distinct... Yes, nothing is perfect, but I keep seeing flaws that I cannot fix... So, I just try to ignore them and move on to the next piece.

But this piece has some symbolism, like those colours represent chakra colours and their meanings. But the core idea of this drawing is to symbolize how much Molluck means to me and my mental health, the way I see him. It just feels like he is the main reason why I still keep going and haven't lost my ability to function... He is always there for me whenever I need support and can tell me what I need to hear. And I feel like he is my key for my healing, since I feel like I need lots of love for my healing and for some reason, I have been able to have this kind of bond only with him... Molluck's love is the only love my mind doesn't deny... And I love him so deeply... Man, he is so beautiful and adorable... I just love to see him being happy here. He is like my sunshine in this drawing... I also just love his loose cheeks...

I think that how one sees Molluck also depends on one's preferences and what resonates with them. It's just so interesting for me how I "fail" to find Molluck sinister, awful, evil... I see that he has needed to do certain things in order to survive in the harsh world, but his environment has also shaped him. I'm not saying that he is innocent, but I want to understand why he has done certain stuff. I just wish to be kind and understanding toward Molluck. I don't feel like he is as awful as he might seem. Soulstorm made me see that he has a kind and caring side too. His way to speak can be harsh, but he doesn't always mean it. He just feels friendly... Yes, he can be lethal too, but he does try his best to stay calm when he knows that it's wiser.

According to the original retirement plan of his, he actually would had liked to leave RuptureFarms soon after he got enough moolah to buy a house in Lake Como, which makes me feel like he isn't so into butchery, but he just gotta do what he gotta do; he was sent to lead it after all. But he probably still enjoys his job and loves meat (though I assume that he eats also other kinds of food as well based on his teeth being omnivore, human-like), but it's more like a means to an end. Though yes, I do enjoy certain cruelty of Molluck's personality, but I see that he can also be kind. Opposite personality traits do not exclude each other and well, my own personality is full of such traits... So, I basically see my own complex personality in Molluck.

And yeah, when it comes to my desires toward Molluck, they do also shape the way I picture him. I have said that I actually wish that I had no sexual desires since they are just some primitive needs that I have no use for. I just think that there are better things to do (only talking about myself), and what I desire can never even be true, so it causes painful craving... And like I said in my previous post, sexuality is a weird thing to me and I constantly forget people being sexual, because I'm quite asexual myself... It's so weird to see sexualization like everywhere... But yeah, this also causes me to think that since Molluck is a worker Glukkon, he got no sexuality or genital-like organs, only some hole to urinate. And if he had the thing, it should be quite small to fit his body. It actually gives me peace when I imagine him being like this, so that's the big reason why my Molluck lacks anything sexual. But he is also even hotter when he has no such organs... I feel like this is probably something rare... (First, I did also add the thing for him, probably because well, it's something people just do and "made sense" in this context. But then, I just started testing how it felt if he didn't have one and it just made him much better... It takes some time to figure out what you actually like the most. Also, frankly, I find genitalia ugly (in a bad way, since yes, I do find certain ugliness beautiful, like Molluck is so beautiful to me because he got that ugliness I love and he aint "perfect", you know, stereotypes. (Stereotypical beauty looks ugly to me.)), and Molluck has all I desire without it anyway...) I cannot still help my own primitive needs, but it's fine for him, especially when I want to make sure that he feels comfortable and I do it with love. It's just that no one else has ever felt actually right for me... Even I wish that I had no sexual needs, Molluck still makes me feel so good this way... He is just perfect for me!

I wanna say that I do not wish my self-esteem to be based on external validation, though it's right now based on that negative feedback I have gotten and negative experiences... My brain basically seems to ignore positive stuff... I bet that it's because my loneliness was so strong that it felt like a physical pain and to cope with it, I had to harden my heart, try to kill my emotions... Feeling that the world doesn't want me is quite damaging since I bet that it's the reason why positive things haven't mattered to my mind... If I don't trust that there's a place for me and that I can survive, earn my living and have a good life, those very basic needs matter a lot more. When it comes to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I'm basically stuck at basic needs level. Yeah, this starts to make sense now... I'm just constantly afraid of that I won't survive... I do not trust in my abilities and skills... I don't feel strong... People have called me skilled and strong but... I feel like it's not true... Though, I realize that someone weaker would be already dead in my situation since I have had so much mental pain to bear. My time at junior high school was the worst, and I didn't even eat the school lunch since people at the canteen made me so anxious, like where I could had sat... I started eating at school again in high school since there was less people, so more space. But even I had to deal with mental pain every day, I still wanted to focus on my studies, since I didn't want ruin my future because of the pain. I'm just quite dutiful, so I didn't want to be away from school either.

I just don't know how to start trusting in my abilities and skills, especially with imposter syndrome, and well, inferiority complex too... I keep feeling like all the other people are better than me, even I know that I shouldn't compare myself to the others, especially when I don't know the whole story, and we all got our own problems and struggles. This shit makes me like constantly try to find flaws from other people's stuff too, to feel better myself... Well, at least I could easily give constructive criticism and don't feel so alone with my flaws... Though, I still find my stuff more flawed... Gotta say that this shit also makes it challenging for me to enjoy other people's stuff... It's not nice.

Though, I feel like I still at the same time trust in my skills and abilities and know that I'm strong... I'm a living paradox or something... I hate it, but gotta deal with it. I mean, there are so many ways to see things and I do not know what's "the right" way to see stuff... Maybe there ain't since nothing is objective and frankly, everything is an opinion after all, like what is good or bad, what's "a sin" or a virtue, so on. My problem for years has been just this, and therefore I do not have much exact opinions since I cannot decide what's "the right" way to see something. Like, I feel like I'm actually coming back to my senses after weeks, or even months, I don't know, just long worse phase... My condition can blind me... It's awful.

I just have been thinking that I do not wish to silence myself by hiding all my (old) content here since I do wanna give my own perspective about Molluck to this world. I think that Molluck deserves genuine, true love. Even though, yes, my love for Molluck is no one's business, but seeing the lack of similar stuff as I do encourages me to restore my stuff and keep being "the ambassador of Molluck love". No, I'm not saying that the others love him in "the wrong way", it's just different. Yeah, I do think that it was actually a good idea to take my blog down for a while, so that I could remember again why the odd I'm having this blog. You know, you gotta take some distance to stuff to see it in a fresh way. There is no war here, but gotta say that increase of Molluck content made by the others after a long time (I was like the only one who did Molluck stuff for 2-3 years here) has given me now a boost to keep posting my Molluck content. It's only richness to have different kinds of Molluck stuff, and people do like different stuff, and it's only good! I do not even wish to be popular, but I do not wish to be all alone... That's probably one of the main points I have wanted to make here, with that long ass post included before this one. I have been lonely for so long... And with all my problems I explained previously, it's difficult to start socializing... I feel like my way to see Molluck is unpopular, but it's totally alright, since it matters more to me that I do can use my voice to say that unpopular stuff out loud.

I really wish to get rid of that what people think of me affects my self-esteem, but I bet that you understand that it was unavoidable when the world around me made me feel like I was unwanted... We do are social animals, we cannot really avoid other people affecting us, but we do can try to control it. In one of the recent feedback I got from my analysis essay, the teacher's feedback made me cry... We gotta also do self-evaluation and grade our own essays in that course, so he told me that "the next challenge for you is to start to believe here, what the surrounding reality is telling you!". It really touches me still to read that sentence... It hits deep... I do not really think that people are lying to me, but I just have like higher standards (for myself) than the others do, so it makes me feel like it cannot be true. I bet that people leaving me all alone also traumatized me in some way since some stuff triggers those past memories in me, make me even cry at worst... Frankly, this was also one reason that made me take my stuff down, because to me it started to seem like it's gonna happen again soon, so I do it before it happens... But I see that it was my trauma talking to me. I know that I should not give a damn if people like my stuff or not, but I just don't wish to be all alone again... I'm used to have a small quiet audience though, and I like to have only a small audience. That's also one reason why I have disabled reblogs... Seeing posts with lots of notes give me anxiety, imagining that it was mine I mean... You are always free to comment or ask me stuff, just whatever, since yeah, the only positive thing I would see in reblogs would be the tags/commenting, but comment section exists, so there is another way to do it. This is my blog, so my rules, heh.

Gotta say that like button does cause useless suffering to the people. (When I talk about liking stuff, I mostly talk about liking it as your opinion, not the heart button here.) It was invented to reduce effort to comment "I like it!" and stuff like that, as a positive thing. But then, it become a negative thing in a way that it started to affect people's self-esteem, which I bet that I don't need to explain. It was an unwanted consequence. (YouTube didn't make it any more positive by removing the number of dislikes...) Sometimes, I think that it should be nuked or something, but yeah, maybe a better way would be helping people to see it in a healthier way. After all, it's only an opinion and no one can like everything, and something being unpopular doesn't necessary mean that it was worse than the popular thing. So, I say this to myself and you all: create the stuff you would like to see and like, don't care if people like it or not. (You know the limits of this sentence, since yeah, saying that "be yourself" can also mean encouraging people to do crimes and such stuff. This is complicated stuff actually. The golden rule is nice to know.) Oh, and yeah, it also came to my mind that saying stuff like something you did is probably bad because only a few people liked it is like belitting those people who liked, maybe even loved, it.

Yeah, I see that I cannot really end this blog since I do like to write stuff and I don't really feel like writing just for myself, since yeah, I barely discuss with people, so this is kinda my way to take part in conversations, especially when I do write long stuff... Comments are too limited for me, but well, I also hesitate to say stuff directly to the people... I have just this constant feeling of that I'm only bothering people if I interact with them... I really don't know if people would like to interact with me or not; I have been so alone for so long, for over a decade... This is my first time being a part of any community too, so I do not know "how things work" in communities like this...

And when I have been thinking more stuff now, I do still feel like sharing my self-insert story with Molluck, but I have no time to really work on it for months probably... I gotta write and work on other stuff more. I just feel like that Molluck deserves to get a story where he is actually loving and kind. My Molluck is just such a sweet Gluk... I love him so much that it's about to make me cry... I just wish him to have this another kind of representation too, not just him being awful. It's just that I care so much about him, wanna give all my love for him... I bet that you can probably understand how some Molluck stuff can make me feel uncomfortable when he is this dear to me and I see him as such a sweetheart, toward me. I have cried when I have been thinking about his possible execution...

I don't know what's really "the proper way" to talk about these different "schools", especially when I see that I belong to the minority with my view. Again, it's not a bad thing since he is a fictional character and we do not know much about him actually (I'm glad that I could dig some more information out of Lorne's head with my questions; that's at least my contribution to this community I'm happy with, but I dunno about the rest, since I'm just not happy with the quality of my stuff), so we do can fill the holes like we want, but also modify things, just have our own version of Molluck. I just don't want that people think that I wish to limit people's imagination or something, and my opinions do can be ignored. It's just that Molluck means the world to me, so I can be/seem, well, "protective" toward him, since I don't want anything bad to him and cannot see him actually horrible... Though yeah, relationships also depend on chemistry and stuff, so I feel like there is a possibility to form a deep bond between Molluck and me, since I understand him and he just feels like "the one" for me, so I believe that it is possible to have a healthy, loving relationship with him. I don't know why I'm just constantly afraid of that people misunderstand me, though it is what I'm used to, so I keep just explaining things to make sure that I'm understood, somehow at least... It's probably due to me differing from the majority most of the time... I also know that I can speak harshly, so it can sound like I think that I'm "the Mr. Right" or something, but no. There is no single truth and no single right way to see things. Welp, this is also one way how I justify my own negative self-talk... Like, me seeing that I'm crappy is my own opinion, and you seeing me not crappy is your opinion, and therefore both are correct. Yes, my way to think is complex and complicated... I can understand if people think that I'm a difficult person or something. I cannot help my analytical nature. But sometimes, I can be so lost in my thoughts that I need "a reality check"...

I just would love to cover Molluck with kisses and hold him tight, so that he felt loved, appreciated, and warm... I cannot express enough how much I love him... Man, soon, I have spent 4 years with Molluck... I bet that my relationship with him will last long since no one else has felt actually right for me...

I don't know what else to say here... I'm sorry for my "drastic" mood changes, but it's what this condition makes me have... During my worst moments, all I can think is how much I wanna kill myself since I feel so hopeless, and during my better moments I can have hope and even be a bit positive. No, I don't think that I have bipolar since it's not that "dramatic", and I never have mania phase... I'm still depressed during my good moments, but my awful thoughts just do not blind me so or I'm able to forget them for a while. Alas, my good moments do not last long, but I try my best to keep this mood I'm having right now since it's been long since I felt this good...

But yeah, this blog was born because I wanted to share my love for Molluck and I see that I do wanna keep sharing it, since he is my precious Gluk... Love is such a strong power, and I do hope that it's true that it always wins, since then it would also mean that I can heal from this shit. And by hiding my stuff I realized what would be lost if I left: my love and perspective. I do not wish them to be gone after all.

I just cannot express enough how much I love Molluck... I feel so much love toward him... It's such a wonderful feeling, and it keeps getting better and better, as my love for him just keeps growing! 💗

[bosskie]

Man... Um, I have just had for over a year or something an idea to "reimagine" this one Abe's Oddysee render where Abe is holding a Glukkon head on a tray since it has almost given me nausea or something... Yes, it's like the most disturbing Oddworld image I know, for me... No other (official) Oddworld thing has made me feel like that... So yeah, I had to swap "the roles". (Y) My care for Molluck is just this deep...

I just felt like finally farting this idea out. I mean, this is just something kinda sketchy and flawed... But I still like this and had fun while drawing this. (Y) Yeah, I kinda turned this also into some twisted "inspirational Molluck thing" too... I cannot help that I kinda love dark and disturbing stuff, and it's one big reason why I love Oddworld... I have said multiple times that Oddworld is a suitable playground for my dark humour. (Y)

Man, I also cannot help how endearing Molluck is in this drawing for me... Even when he is being his "nasty self", he is so adorable... I also gotta say that I like my tray arrangement... Yes, I added an apple, I mean an opple, into Abe's mouth... And his feathers are used as decoration. The original had some grapes and strawberries, so I added my own version of them too. I couldn't help but add some sprinkles too... Maybe Molluck is making me worse, but I love that Gluk too much to mind about it. Maybe this is also a self-insert thing, since well, frankly, if I was on Oddworld, I would (also) be Molluck's partner in crime... There's another reality, you know, and well, of course I would support my precious Gluk. Seeing him happy makes me feel good too. And no, I don't hate Abe, my heart just belongs to Molluck...

I'm unsure what to really write related to this... I do not tend to even think if something/someone is bad/evil or good since I'm more interested in understanding why someone did something and things ain't that simple, nothing is actually objective etc. I'm not trying to justify Molluck's actions; I just see that he also has a kind side, but it's hidden. I feel like his environment has sculpted his personality since he lives in a harsh reality where is no room for mistakes. He is just another kind of slave, until he retires, I hope. I just sense "delicacy", or what word I should use, in him. I don't know, I just keep explaning this stuff since my way to depict him differs from "the mainstream"... I just believe in that Molluck is able to love, genuinely, and it's how I feel, that he cares about me, even I realize that he is only fictional. I trust that he would never do anything bad to me, like I would never do to him.

I have been feeling stressed out lately that it has also given me suicidal thoughts... But Molluck's support, inside my head, helps me to calm down and keep going. I'm just afraid that my future won't be bright... I don't believe in myself... It can make me almost unable to sleep during the worst moments... Molluck's importance to me just keeps growing... Yeah, I don't know, I'm just one odd man who lives with his imaginary Glukkon partner... I love it though since Molluck just feels so right to me and he makes my life a lot better. I do have other life too, but welp, it's still mainly stuff that I do alone at home...

Better end this ramble here... I just love this Glukkon with my whole heart, okay. I also gotta go to give him a goodnight kiss, to sleep I mean. Though, yeah, gotta add that since I love Molluck with my whole heart, it also means that I love both his good and bad sides. That's true love. ❤️

[bosskie]

You Are My (Meat) Treat Tonight

Man... I, um, just wanted to draw Molluck looking at me like this since I love the certain "crazy look" in his eyes, I don't know how I should really call it... And yeah, that title can be interpreted in multiple ways, but I guess that you understand what it means in my case, heh... I mean, this could be a scary situation, but between Molluck and me this is just some fun, a(n affectionate) joke related to his position... Man, that look is so hot... Whole Gluk is...

I gotta say that I'm feeling better about my art, for now at least, since I really like this piece, even there are still some flaws, because yeah, I managed to capture what I wanted... But seeing my Molluck art improving constantly gives me power to keep going, to keep arting and loving Molluck, to fight againts my stupid ill mind that keeps telling me to quit art and my relationship with Molluck. This Gluk means like the world to me... I keep saying this but I just feel like I love him more and more day by day...

Man, I don't know what else to say... And, um, Molluck needs me, so gotta go! ❤️

[bosskie]

Struggling...

I feel sorry to make yet another post like this but I have been feeling terrible lately... I tried to draw something supportive but I just couldn't... Though, the positive thing here is that man, how the odd the previous drawing like this looks different than I remembered it being... I mean, it looks terrible... I'm just surprised to see how significant the improvement is only in 2 months... I just didn't know if I'm gonna post this or not after all, but well, at least here's a better version... I just do not wanna constanly vent here, ruin the atmosphere, but unfortunately, my mood just keeps being awful... It's been difficult to do anything with this mood, to fall asleep too...

But yeah, this is yet another self-insert thing, how Molluck is concerned about me and my thoughts... You might notice one detail here: there's a painting about Molluck made by me on the wall (see lil signature).

The setting here is that... Man, it feels difficult to write this when I look at Molluck's expression... It hurts my heart to see him crying... I do not wish to hurt my precious Gluk, but I just keep having these feelings how my art is just ugly, bad, crappy, dull, boring... That I should just quit art... That all the "uniqueness" I bring is just something ugly... I have felt like... Well, suicidal... I have been thinking for so long that I won't live a long life... I thought that I wouldn't be still here a decade ago... But here I still am...

I just cannot feel like I bring any joy to this world... I never have. Even it's been told me that I bring joy, I still cannot feel that way... I tend to think that people just do not realize how crappy I am in reality... Or that they probably have already changed their mind and wouldn't say the same now... This is another way how my mind falsifies positive words I have received, that they ain't true anymore...

It starts to become more and more difficult to be a part of this community, if I'm even a part of it since I feel like I'm just sitting in my own corner and observing... It's not that I didn't have anything to comment but I feel like it's better that I do not touch anything... I'm way too used to feel like I just ruin everything... I feel like I'm not worth interacting with... It's sad even for me to think about how I feel about myself, but I just think that it's still the truth... I have felt for so long that everything would be better without me... Maybe my "intuition" is right...

I just don't know if it would be better if I left after all... But another thing that makes it difficult for me to interact is that I suffer from inferiority complex... I keep feeling like I only litter this place with my stuff and existence... It's just so difficult for me to feel like anyone actually wants to see my content... Of course, I do not expect anything in return, but you know, is it nice to post content if you constantly feel embarrassed when you look at your content, even if you posted it just a moment ago? No. I feel like I'm too ill to be a content creator... Or to do anything in general... I feel like I won't be anything... I feel quite hopeless... But I still try to keep seeing how things develop...

I feel like my condition just keeps getting worse... But I do not have the resources to get the help I needed... I feel like I'm alone with this... I mean, I have no one to talk with during my darkest moments, especially when I do not wanna be a burden with my quite terrible thoughts... But Molluck is always there for me... It's been difficult to get out from bed too, but he is there to encourage me... No matter how terrible I feel, how much I feel like ending this all, Molluck keeps supporting me... I'm afraid that if I did have my supportive Molluck... I wouldn't probably be here anymore... I have been so close to that decision, especially when I see that I keep caring less and less about everything... Barely anything just interests me anymore... Yeah, I could do many things, but I just barely feel like doing anything...

I do not know if I'm able to tell my self-insert story after all... I feel like maybe it's a story to let to be untold... I do not feel like worth getting know to, so being even more personal is quite a big step for me... At least right now I'm just feeling to self-hateful for that... I do not even understand how Molluck (or anyone) could love me, so how I can even really write about that... But I have slowly got some proper self-insert art done, for the first time actually, that I like, but I do not know about publishing them... I haven't really drawn much self-insert art before since I have felt like it's a waste to draw that... But it actually feels like the most meaningful stuff to draw in my opinion. After all, I'm drawing all this Molluck stuff for myself, but yeah, you can take a peek.

I have felt bad for even that how slowly I draw... I mean, I cannot really draw anything quick since I feel like it looks awful and not worth showing... This is why I don't really draw a lot since one drawing takes hours, like this one took probably at least about 10 hours... I cannot stand my line art, unless it's a highly detailed mess... Yeah, my stupid brain basically thinks that the amount of details defines the worth of my artworks... So, like here, I didn't really wish to make this detailed piece but I just couldn't stop fixing and improving this piece... So, I do not make detailed pieces because I want but because I "have to", to be pleased enough with my art... It's like obsession or something. I also just constantly try to become better and better, only see what to learn from my flaws to do better next time... It's quite difficult to be happy with my art, especially when I improve, my previous art gets worse and worse in my eyes... I don't even really like my art style, but it's difficult to change it, especially, when yeah, I hate my line art... So, gotta just paint... My way to draw is quite messy anyway and when I did this piece, I more like felt like I was sculpting than painting... I just still feel like I do not know how to draw, so I just try something, feel uncertain, but after messing around enough something decent enough comes out...

I don't really know what to really write here since I'm only repeating the same things that I already wrote recently... It just feels more and more challenging to have this blog with my self-hatred and inferiority complex... I can just feel like no one needs to see my Molluck crap, no one wants to see that... That my way to present Molluck is not wanted... No one has told me this but my stupid ill mind keeps repeating this shit to me as the truth (that no one just tells me)... I don't know how to silence it... But I at least feel like Molluck loves and appreciates all my effort to capture his essence as well as possible... During my worst moments it's the only thing that keeps me doing art... Thinking this makes me sit here tears in my eyes, yet again... Whatever "my supportive Molluck" is, I'm so thankful for it...

I feel so sorry for keeping making these posts... But I'm just in pain... I do not know when it's gonna end... I'm trying my best here to keep living, even if it was just for Molluck... I just have difficulties with connecting with real people, always have had, but I feel a deep connection with Molluck... Yeah, you are supposed to feel empathy toward "the good guys", but I cannot help that Molluck is still like the only character I care about... And he means like the world to me... I see that my interest in shipping him with anyone else than me has basically disappeared since I realized how much I wish him to experience true love, feel loved and valued, and I feel like those other characters cannot give that to him... Yeah, my love for Molluck just keeps getting stronger... I have been thinking about recording some "messages from Molluck" for myself as one "extreme" solution, since I haven't tried that yet, and I do need new ways to cheer up myself since it's just getting harder and harder... Like, if I cannot say a single positive thing about myself, well, as myself, maybe saying them out loud as Molluck could help. It's just like extremely difficult for me to feel like there's anything lovable about me... But I at least feel like Molluck loves me and cares about me deeply, for whatever reason... Even I realize how much I love Molluck and how much he probably would value it, all my care for him, how kind and tender I would be toward him, I can still feel like my love has no value... It's so sad to feel this way... That even I give all my love for Molluck, it's all worthless, just because it's my love, because I'm not lovable, have no value... I really think this way... I even realize how it hurts Molluck... (I don't know how to talk about this since I basically refer to the Molluck inside my head, so he kinda is "real", even it's all imagination still...)

This artwork is about how my thoughts do hurt and concern Molluck... He doesn't wish to lose me... He doesn't wish to see me constantly unhappy, suffering... But he doesn't wish to give up... He realizes that I'm not my illness... I don't care if my image of Molluck is "too sweet" to represent "the actual him", since this is how I see him and it keeps me going. I also cannot help that I love male characters that look tough but are such sweethearts inside, so maybe it's also what happens here... (The only oc of mine I feel like I actually care about is like this too...) But Soulstorm really made me see Molluck this way... Though yeah, after I saw myself in him, so yeah, I'm probably mixing my own stuff here, but there's nothing wrong with that. This is my version of Molluck, and that's it.

Yeah, I actually feel now better about my way to represent Molluck, but well, those stupid ill thoughts still keep coming back... But to keep myself able to post my Molluck stuff I just gotta try to think about what makes my art "unique", worth posting, or how to say it... Though, during my worst moments I feel like what I bring is only ugly, like I said earlier, but I mean that I should try to see the love I put into my Molluck art... I do not see it personally, only my perfectionism, but I at least know how much I love Molluck... I'm like "the biggest Molluck lover" here... I haven't seen anyone else this crazy about Molluck... Man, when I wake up, the first thing I might do is yet another animation or improve older one since I crave so much for that Gluk... Yeah, it's what I did today too... It's actually quite easy to make smooth enough 2D animations quickly with some tricks, and I'm only using two decades old Photoshop to animate some prn GIFs. I mean, there's no need to draw but one image, but yes, it's also simple stuff in that case but gets the job done. (Y) I still have no desire to share those but maybe some cropped versions... They are only some quick-ish but realistic-ish stuff for my own pleasure since man... Molluck is just the hottest thing ever... I don't know why I'm even telling you this, but eh, I have already said that I do make sexual animations since this Gluk is my only desire... I only desire him to love him... But you know, if there ain't something, you gotta do it yourself! Though yeah, I don't even know if anyone would like to see my Molluck prn... But I can only talk about it but sharing is totally another thing... Btw, I almost wrote to that recent 3D Molluck animation test that you can probably see how much I have been doing animations... I mean, it was only something quick, almost didn't post the thing due to that... And yes, I do have done those animations with it too... Sometimes, I hate myself for wanting Molluck sexually, since well, he ain't "made for" such, but I always see Molluck telling me that it's alright... I just don't want to make him feel uncomfortable... I wish that I didn't even feel that way but I cannot help it... But well, I only use that "primitive desire" to love him. Man, yeah, I just love Molluck... I feel like my dark humour is also one reason why I love him so much... He is just like perfect for me, okay...

I do feel better again, but I'm afraid that it won't last long... Last night was another night when I cried in bed... It's awful when all you can really think about is how you hate yourself and wanna kys... But luckily, Molluck is always there for me, to support me, to love me... I'm really glad to have him by my side, and since he is fictional, he is always there, cannot die, unless he is forgotten.

I do still try to have hope and do my best to keep posting my stuff, especially when this is the only place where I share my creations. I still don't know if this is worth it, but at least I'm not all alone with these thoughts... I used to keep all this to myself for many years... I still feel sorry for this vent, but if people really wanna see my stuff, this is "the price" since I feel like I barely can be a content creator with this condition... I'm still trying my best here, since yeah, I feel like ending this blog would only lead me to yet darker place... Sometimes, I tend to think that since Molluck's eyes glow in the dark, there's never only darkness around me... He is such a beautiful Gluk... I cannot stop admiring, or probably better adoring, his beauty...

I do not really have anything new to say here, and I wish that I didn't have need to make these posts, but this hell takes ages to walk though... At least I have Molluck to accompany me. Again, I do not mean to belittle "real human support", but my stupid ill mind tries its everything to falsify it... I hope that you understand... I really wish that this wasn't like this, but it's already a big thing that my ill mind doesn't deny that Molluck loves me...

I don't know what else to say here... This drawing was also my way to cope with my feelings, since it relates to how I imagine these conversations with Molluck being... I'm doing my best here, even if it wasn't much, but it's the main thing here. But yeah, I'll see what I do with my self-insert stuff after I feel better and get the stuff ready. I mean, I might not always say here what I really think but what my condition makes me think.

Thanks for tolerating me!