#art like a bosskie

[bosskie]

Tense Dinner

Man, I feel like it's finally time to fart this out, after 3 weeks of working on this. I know that there are still some stuff I could improve, but I don't feel like it, and my current skills aren't enough... But at least I could produce something more proper after a long time... I don't know but this took like 20+ hours, or even 30+ hours... This was a good practice work too since I rarely draw/paint this complex stuff, and I'm still learning how to understand lights and shadows... But I guess that this looks okay.

But what the odd is this thing? Welp, I have said earlier that I have felt like trying out drawing some Oddworld characters I have never drawn before, but I only feel like drawing Molluck stuff, so... I just had to figure out in what kind of situation those characters could be with Molluck. I have never drawn Alf or Toby before, and I felt like drawing them but had no idea how. Then I did remember one comment on OWI's Instagram post where they asked with whom you would like to have a dinner or something. That one commenter said that they would like to have a dinner with Abe, Alf, Toby, and Molluck because they would like to have a tense dinner. So, that comment was my inspiration.

I thought with the sitting order that Molluck wants to keep his eyes on Abe, but he also sits so that he can see all the Muds. Abe wouldn't have wanted to sit next to Molluck, none of them really, but it suited Alf the best. Though, it's probably not better to sit in front of Molluck's vicious gaze either... The story is that they are trying to work together, and well, they are trying their best to make it as comfortable as possible, especially when Molluck has lost his certain power... Molluck doesn't really trust Abe, though he is paranoid anyway, so he has that chant suppressor to secure himself. The Chauffeur is bringing them some food, and it's up to your imagination what's that. But I assure that Molluck is trying his best to be nice! There are also some other thoughts and details, but I let you figure out the rest.

I don't know if I should write more or not, but well, this is my blog. While doing this thing, I just felt like I should quit art after this piece is done. I'm just so tired of seeing only flaws in my works, having inferiority complex moments... But quitting wouldn't fix the root issue. I still haven't felt like thinking about what to draw next like I normally do. I just feel like I don't feel like drawing... So, I probably need to have a break since I cannot force art. But I also have other stuff to do, and I also wanna get back to 3D stuff... So yeah, I just don't know about drawing/painting right now... I'm feeling alright, but also depressed right now...

But I do actively follow what's going on with Oddworld stuff, even quite stealthily. And I feel like I gotta say that it has been amusing for me to see Molluck x Abe stuff since I literally said some months ago that I'm surprised at how little there is that stuff, when one anon requested me to draw them kissing... "Be careful what you wish for --, or your wish will come true." (Y) (This is a quotation from one game...) Frankly, I gotta admit that this is my fave Oddworld ship; I like it more than Molluck x Chauffeur Slig thing. Though, I would depict it in a different way, but I love Molluck being nasty. (Y) I have no personal interest in doing ship content myself but rarely since I'm busy with shipping myself with Molluck... But ain't that ship content then too? Well, you got my point still.

I'm always into seeing how Molluck is seen since I see that my way to see him is different from the usual depiction, but this mainly relates to certain depth and sides I see him having. But I also gotta say that for me, Glukkons are asexual. Though, I tend to forget whole sexual side whenever I think about people in general, since I personally prefer asexual world. Sexual desires only feel like some primitive needs/necessities I would prefer not to have, but since Molluck is still the only one I desire that way, I wanna it really be about making love since I wanna give some love to his beautiful body. And yeah, since Glukkon have no reproduction organs, for me it means that he doesn't have anything down there (but some hole to urinate) since it's what makes sense the most for me. But frankly, it's also how I prefer him, since of course, you can imagine that stuff however you like but I prefer none, and it doesn't prevent having sex with him, or him enjoying it... I can confess that I do have created (and keep creating) plenty of "that material" for myself, thanks to my 3D Molluck sculpt... It was my main reason to even create it, but I gotta create a 3D model out of it to create even better stuff! I will also create general Molluck stuff with that, so I can share something too... I have just no desire to share sexual content since it's like letting people come to my bedroom which is private. But it's probably easy to understand what's Molluck's role if he got none... It's all you need to know if you wanna know answer to this usual gay pair question. I have never seen Molluck in this role in other people's stuff, but it's just how I prefer him, his "joy holes"... (I also think that this depends on the relationship dynamics, since I feel quite equal with him.) Man, that Gluk just makes me go crazy... I want that Gluk so badly every single day... But yeah, I only would feel like posting some suggestive naked Mollucks, but nothing more, at least it's what I think now. I draw that stuff quite rarely actually, but I bet that my 3D stuff affects that... Would still love to draw more stuff to appreciate Molluck's beauty...

Yeah, I cannot help that I love Molluck so much... Even when Molluck is being his nasty self, I'm like "I love Molluck! 💓"... I love my little big butcher, professional bastard... It's probably because I do enjoy stuff like that, like dark humour, and my imagination likes to give Molluck some "good" ideas... I believe that Molluck and me could get along well and have such a loving relationship, since I do believe in that Molluck is able to genuinely love and care, but it's hidden unless he finds "the right one" who loves him just as he is. So, I see that Molluck's personality ain't all about being an angry nasty bastard, who just likes to use others, but he can also be caring and loving. It's just how Soulstorm made me see him; he feels like a friendly Gluk to me. But yeah, like I have said, I did start to love Molluck because I saw myself in him, so I bet that I also give parts of my personality to make his personality more complete. I cannot help it but I feel like saying that he is so adorable... Yeah, try to see Molluck as scary, intimidating, and sinister when it's more like hot to me... But I trust that Molluck do not wanna hurt me, like I do not wanna hurt him either.

Yeah, I didn't really have much to say... I can just keep talking about Molluck, how much I love him, and so on... I send him hugs 'n' kisses every day! It's really Molluck who keeps me creating stuff since it feels like my depression is getting worse in a way that I keep losing my interest in stuff... I just cannot get enough of that Gluk... He feels so right... He is like me as a Glukkon... I mean, I even see myself in some Molluck memes people do... It came to my mind to wonder like over a week ago if Molluck bites his cheeks or lips by accident since it's what happens to me, thanks to my own "loose" cheeks... I love Molluck's loose cheeks and his whole head's physics. (Y) Though yeah, I could list so many thing I love about Molluck...

Molluck! 💞 I really don't know what else to say... This Gluk is just so important to me. But I also don't know about drawing for a while... I just have no inspiration... But yeah, I always feel like appreciating Molluck's beauty, so if nothing else can bring it back, then it's probably what could end this art block.

[jazzkolart]

Best girl

[flyguy]

Show Notes: HASBRO Unannounced AT-ST arrives https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/816127689496985600 Unproduced ewoks https://twitter.com/ChiveCast/status/816712919165632513 Unproduced Mighty muggs https://twitter.com/JediNewsUK/status/812325432645320704 “What a piece of junk!” https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817469089987887104 This pack felt like it’s out a year too late https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817352767446614017 Lemme take a selfie, duckface! https://twitter.com/ChrisPirillo/status/815370573974892544 HOT TOYS/SIDESHOW/GENTLE GIANT/MISC. Dengar http://ift.tt/2hxk0I4 R1 Hot wheels slowly arriving across the globe https://twitter.com/halolvr27/status/813846015744753664 More new Hot Wheels incl Bossky Bossk turning up. https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817844405369446405 Unproduced Disney infinity R1 https://twitter.com/jasoninquires/status/817048441826242560 https://twitter.com/jasoninquires/status/816645612527648768 Disney Elite tie pilot https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/813973321859604480 Mefex shoretrooper http://ift.tt/2iaoBQO LEGO New R2 poly bag found https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/815351962376044545 New sets hitting most countries https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/809948372543172613 Recent LEGOn clearout WTF? https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/817846498960535557 FUNKO Shadow guard POP also at Walgreen web site if can’t find it and on popcultcha for O/S peeps https://twitter.com/TulsaScott/status/814487578762219520 Might we be getting those classic Vintage Style SW pop!? https://twitter.com/MayTheFunkoBWY/status/816419279063027712 Yes we are! https://twitter.com/missingwords/status/817895952962854913 Clearout! https://twitter.com/yak_face/status/814627179489333248 TV/MOVIE/BOOK/GAME NEWS White men can jump in to being Han’s mentor https://twitter.com/Variety/status/816405159869693952 New JTC Bespin threepio cover https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/817256212722946049 New Darth Maul JTC cover https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/816453467162247168 Darkside Early Bird https://twitter.com/CollectCantina/status/817533013299003394 Classic marvel art with an updated twist https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/815616117196619778 SW Rebels Saw gerrera https://twitter.com/FLYGUY/status/810291075038453760 (aka Che) Statton back agan as old ben https://twitter.com/LucasSiegel/status/816691577091461121

[studio183-blog]

JULIA BOSSKI x STUDIO183

With a fire for Berlin life and a creative flair, Julia has gained recognition for her culinary endeavours, singing prowess and all-round zest for life, all whist celebrating her Polish roots. Having moved to Berlin over six years ago the Warsaw native has set the city alight with her drive and creative intuition, being the mind and voice behind Polish Thursday Dinners.

We were thrilled to collaborate with her on our latest shoot in West Berlin and teamed up with the lovely hair & make-up artist Kaya Rose Birch. Julia chose her favourite designs from Studio183, showcasing her elegantly cool style against the backdrop of Berlin’s rich, cultural history.

[Cover Image] coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / Gedächtniskirche

[Above] shirt / ANISSA AIDA coat / Lida Noba, Location / Bikini Berlin

Julia, you moved from Warsaw to Berlin five years ago. What makes Berlin your city of choice?

I actually moved to Berlin over six years ago, in January 2011. I dreamed of moving abroad since I was a teenager. Because my aunt studied art in Berlin, I came here for the first time in 2004. It made a huge impression on me; it felt so free and diverse, a bit trashy but at the same time beautiful and modern. Nothing like provincial Warsaw.

Since 2004 I came to Berlin every year, just for shopping and walking around with my mom. I remember that every time I stepped out of the train, I thought: man, I feel so good here!

So after I finished high school in 2010 I decided to move to Berlin and study here. The only problem was, I didn’t know any German so I had to start from scratch. I didn’t know anyone in Berlin and no one knew me. Berlin gave me the chance to discover myself, I found my way here, I realised what I want and who I am. It especially made me realise where I come from.

All these things make Berlin my hometown. Now, I feel more Berliner than Warsawian and because of that, I can see my country and my roots from a different perspective and get inspired by them and not suffocated. I can be creative. I can be myself. However, the most important thing that made me choose Berlin is the diversity of people and cultures. It’s like a small world in one place. I love it!

As a jazz singer and successful creative culinary event directrice of “Polish Thursday Dinners", how would you describe your personal and professional development?

If you asked me six years ago what my life will be like, I probably wouldn’t respond with, “promoting Polish culture, cooking and singing in Berlin.” When I came to Berlin, I wanted to be a journalist as I loved literature and writing. I didn’t speak any German so I had to learn it from zero to academic level. I completed it within one year whilst au pairing. A few times dealing with creepy situations, battling, escaping, moving from one apartment to another, but finally in October 2012 I started studying American studies at JFK Institute.

Meanwhile I met my ex who pulled me into the real Berliner life, events, parties and supper clubs. I organised all these things with him, I opened a little restaurant with him, I changed studies and at the end of 2013 I founded PTD and started singing. Singing was a kind of therapy for my very dramatic relationship. It made me work through it and then finally leave it.

2014 was the first time in my Berlin life where I stood up on my own two feet. I got a nice apartment in the heart of Kreuzberg, I started my own thing, I was singing in the studio with a band and co-running a café in Prenzlauer Berg. And of course, I regularly organised my dinners. I was doing a few things at a time, I was sometimes extremely exhausted but I was happy. Me and my former business partner Don, were holding it together, we had a strong group of friends (probably when I first thought to call us the ”polish mafia”).

2014 was a year of new things, I constantly felt as if I was performing in a movie. I made all the coolest hipsters come to a Kindercafe at which I worked. One night hosting the boss of one of the most famous former clubs, Stattbad Wedding, and Ritter Butzke DJs. No one cared that they were seated surrounded by teddy bears and a plastic ball pool. I also sang on a tune for fashion week in 2014. I was having loads of fun even if working days and nights.

2015 was a break through year. I organised a dinner in Stattbad for about 40 people, where I met one of the coolest dinner pop-uppers “Wild & Wiese” and guys from Lost In Wedding. I kept on singing, I met my producer Darius Gall, recorded songs, did a few videos, worked at the Portuguese bakery Bekarei, and did more and more dinners.  Sometimes struggling with fears and doubts, but I never gave up. And thanks to that and my communication skills, in the beginning of 2016 I got my first big feature on Freunde von Freunden, thanks to my dear, Jonny Tiernan. Since that was published, my career just cared for itself.

I was doing three dinners a month, hosting guests from all around the world, working five days a week in a restaurant, having gigs, travelling and sometimes working weekends on additional events. I’ve been interviewed by all the biggest radio stations and magazines in Berlin and Poland, showed up on TV a few times. I worked with official Polish institutions, and was even contacted by Ikea for cooperation. I still sing, I model, I was asked to write a book with the whole story. Now I’m planning to open my own location! Uff ! More work and bigger goals! World, here I come!

shirt / ANISSA AIDA coat / Lida Noba, Location / Bikini Berlin

Please describe your style in a few words.

My style is simple: minimalistic chic. I have this natural, French flair. I probably picked it up while spending a lot of time in France.

How did you develop your sense of style? What influences you the most?

My mom was always a very stylish lady, I always observed her and admired her sense of aesthetic. She is an interior designer. She doesn’t only have amazing clothes but everything at home is beautiful. Additionally, my grandmother Marta was a model, so I guess the sense of style in this family is genetic. I also spent many holidays on the Cote d’Azur, where my family previously lived, and I keep on returning. The Monaco yacht style is familiar to me!

My interest in fashion began when I was 15. I remember I fell in love with high heels and tried to copy the models. I bought myself very high sandals and took them to Monte Carlo. It was a big challenge to walk the uneven streets in them, it was so funny actually, my mom was holding me so I wouldn’t fall.

You know, I’ve been grown up reading all the Vogues, Elles, etc., watching Sex and the City, imagining myself in these beautiful designer clothes. Well, dreams do come true!

coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / Gedächtniskirche

Within the context of living in Berlin, how would you describe the development of your personal style?

I learnt to be myself in Berlin, also to express myself with my clothes. I chose the hipster Mitte chic over Polish diva-ness. I think white sport shoes, loose tops and “suit” pants, that’s my favourite outfit, with a leather jacket or a trench coat, red lips and my “legendary sunglasses”. This is how you can recognise me on the streets. And of course, because of my hair cut.

Why did you choose these specific designs for the shoot?

I chose them because it’s exactly how I am. An elegant, sophisticated business lady in a beige coat and sunglasses, a sweet French school girl and sometimes a rockstar. You can see that too, right?

What to you is Berlin style?

I don’t think that Berlin has a a specific style really. Maybe, ”I don’t care much” would be the right expression? Though, a few things are characteristic of Berlin style: vintage clothes, over-sized vintage furs and leather jackets, Berghain SM outfits, sweatpants, dirty uber partied shoes, but also Mitte chic, mostly taken from COS and Acne catalogues. I like that last one!

jumpsuit / WEAVE / fur jacket / MARIANNA HERRHOFER / boots / MARITA MORENO, location / Tiergarten

jumpsuit / WEAVE / fur jacket / MARIANNA HERRHOFER, location / Tiergarten

What do you think about the current style hype around Eastern European fashion?

I think it’s still too unknown. I’m in love with a few Polish designers and try to support them by buying and wearing their designs. I really think people should start being more supportive of emerging designers who make their own handcrafted clothes with so much love and care, and stop focusing on the well known, mass-produced brands.

coat / LOU LOU BLANCHE, shirt / ANISSA AIDA, location / City West

Who is your style icon / muse ?

My muse and icon is of course my mom. She has this artistic, eccentric sense of style. Some of her outfits even I wouldn’t be brave enough to wear. After her, I’d say: Diane Keaton and Lauren Hutton - for their masculine feminine elegance. To be honest I often get inspired by men. Elegance is one of the most important things I admire in men. So guys: No style, no Bosski.

photos / Mark Hunt, styling / Julia Bosski, Hair & Make-Up / Kaya Birch

[bosskie]

Better Retopologizing

Man, I have been trying my best to fix the topology of my 3D Molluck model, especially when I'm a total beginner with this stuff... I actually realized some mistakes after I took these shots, so this looks already a bit different, but the basic idea is the same. Yeah, I know that this ain't really a "beginner project", but I couldn't help myself... I wanna have my own Molluck 3D model this badly!

But yeah, I bet that you can notice quite significant difference... I basically almost redid the whole thing. I still probably need to fix something, but getting stuff fixed ain't such a construction site anymore... Unfortunately, I probably won't continue this soon... It took me over a month to find a suitable time 'n' mood to get the rest of his head (almost) fixed... I'm still kinda busy, but I hope that I have time 'n' mood to create more Molluck stuff before this year ends. Doing this whole retopology thing feels like solving a puzzle, but I bet that this gets easier once I learn more about this. But now I at least understand what I'm actually supposed to do... That older topology broke two topology rules too, so it was actually awful... I still learned from it and could have some use for it, like some animations.

Oh, and I noticed that some of my artworks might seem darker than they should... I noticed this since I'm posting from my workstation PC for the first time, and my previous post looks darker, even I'm using the same monitor than I did while working on it... I have no idea how dark my stuff seems (I'm talking about light) to you, but I hope that it's not too bad...

I don't know what else to say but that man, it feels somewhat odd to look at that model... It doesn't feel like I did it, even I did... Though yeah, I'm kinda like reverse engineering the Soulstorm model, but still, it's done by me. I barely ever feel like this when I look at my works, but man, it's amazing to look at that model even at this state... It's just so close to "the original", that I don't "recognise" it as my work... This project has already taken lots of time, probably 80+ hours, but I'm still determined to get my own Soulstorm-like Molluck model done. (Y)

[bosskie]

Teasing 'n' Talking

Something definitely new 'n' different. (Y) I have been working one bigger piece for three days now, but it probably requires at least few more, especially when I should also do other stuff than drawing... I really wish that I could show it already since it feels like the best digital art thing of the whole year or something. So, I felt like posting this teaser thing; it's also my first Alf ever, though it's still unfinished and needs polishing 'n' other improvements.

I have just been thinking that I wanna draw some Oddworld character I have never drawn, but I don't find enough motivation to draw them without Molluck... So, yeah, all I say about this piece is that there are two characters that I have never drawn before, one being Alf, and Molluck, but it's not all. It's just one silly piece, and I have been bad at doing any scenes, but this time, I finally have been able to get some decent stuff done. (Y)

I just feel like my drawing skills keep improving, and frankly, I noticed even more Molluck stuff I have kept drawing wrong after my previous piece... Man, I gotta say that Molluck is still like the hardest Oddworld character to draw for me... I still wanna create Molluck stuff since I just love this Gluk so much that I just gotta draw or cry and draw...

Speaking about crying though, my mood has gotten worse again... Those good moments don't last long, especially when I pretty soonish noticed flaws that bother me on my latest Molluck thing... But it's still better than the most of my Mollucks, so it's fine. I just felt so terrible today that it made me cry... I'm still feeling awful, but I have been able to do stuff the whole day still.

I don't really feel like venting, but I just felt like I should quit this all and it made me cry... But I still could gather myself quickly enough and just keep doing my stuff... I just feel like what happened yesterday affected this too, since I just felt so awful about myself due to my poor talking skills... Man, how I'm supposed to socialize well orally, when I'm not really used to communicate orally... I just mostly have only myself to talk to. I just feel so embarrassing... I can just freeze and be unable to continue, when I don't have enough time to think of what to say... Man, I just feel like I hate myself so much...

But I really wish this stupid awful mood to go away... I do not wish to hate myself, but it's so deeply inside me... I have hated myself for about a decade. I'm not even sure when I started to hate myself or why exactly. But some rare positive thing I can actually say about myself is that I can at least cook good food, like juicy chicken and the best meatballs I have ever eaten, seriously. When those meatballs are perfectly succeeded, they are like one of the best food ever, and I could just eat them... Though, I have become too tired to roll some balls from that mixture, so I just slap the thing to the paper on baking tray, so it's just like one big patty. (Y) I sometimes make it heart-shaped. Man, I would cook some stuff for Molluck too, if I could... I made a stupid joke about that big patty thing recently that I could make some "meat gingerbreads" out of it, decorate them too, and give them to Molluck if I could... I laughed a lot to this thing... I don't eat that often though, mainly since I try to eat healthy stuff. But I eat like daily my own "odd oatmeal porridge" and it's like my favourite meal of the day. (Y) That whole recipe came out from experimenting stuff. And yeah, my meatball recipe is my own version too.

I just do not wish to be negative, but this is a mental disorder that I have had for over a decade. Why I never got help to it early was that I didn't saw myself worth helping and I wanted to survive alone, so I didn't even tell anyone. I was just someone who was also recently left alone and were unpopular anyway, so I barely saw point in saving my life when it felt like this world doesn't want me. I'm still unpopular and feel like that this world probably doesn't want me, but whatever, I have learned to stop caring, I have needed to, even it has also meant hardening my heart... I'm only glad if I'm allowed to exist, just like I am, especially when I'm not doing harmful stuff.

I'm just grateful for that people tolerate me and have patience for me here since it takes lots of time to heal from my mental health problems, especially when I gotta do this alone. I just have no resources to get help but also the society doesn't have enough resources to give help, queues are very long, so eh, cannot do much better, unless there was "actual Molluck" that could fund me a therapy. My country's health care is in crisis too... I really wonder how Finland is the happiest country in the world, to be honest. But my point was that I would need a long, proper therapy, but there just ain't enough resources. I don't know if it was the beginning of this year or something, but during that time there was just more news about people ending their lives because their mental health issues weren't taken seriously or couldn't get the help they needed, even if they were suicidal... So yeah, this is the situation here.

I really wish that this situation was different, but this ain't just up to me, and I have only this year realized how much that past trauma of being left alone all the sudden has affected me... I feel like it's probably the reason why I started to hate myself. The others still recognised my talent and it kept some more bullying away, like during one art lesson in junior high school, the door of the class was open and some boys that weren't having the art class "sneaked" in (I saw them all the time) to see what I was painting, and after they saw my painting, they seemed surprised (their eyes were wide open) and went away. So, my recognised talent did really save me from more bullying. I'm afraid to even think about if I were still alive if I had no talent...

But yeah, I still wanted to write some thoughts, but I didn't wanna vent, like write about the reasons why I'm actually feeling worse but that one thing. I just try to take it easy, and I always have Molluck whenever I need some comfort. I just really need daily Molluck's comfort to keep living...

[bosskie]

Man, I actually don't really have time to draw own stuff right now, but I just had a too strong urge to draw this Molluck thing... I just couldn't stop drawing... I let this be kinda unpolished that I can focus on actual stuff today... (Edit: still had to edit this a bit after waking up... Also yeah, this looking similar to my previous avatar, it felt like it's time to change. (Y))

This was inspired by one WIP from last year since I really liked the used colours for Molluck's skin there. I just had to draw when that inspiration hit, and it was worth it! I mean, this feels like yet again maybe my best Molluck so far and close to something I wish to be able to draw, so I really enjoyed drawing this that much that I couldn't stop... It just really motivates me to keep drawing when I see this constant improving.

But yeah, just yet another simple Molluck portrait I did to practice digital painting and art style. (Y)

[bosskie]

Why Can't You See...

Man, this drawing makes me feel so uncomfortable, but it's the whole point of this drawing, so I succeeded. (Y) This is just another "art therapy drawing" I did to shake myself. Last time, I did this smiling Molluck, but now, I did the opposite, mostly because this relates to one of recent "conversations" I had with Molluck inside my self-insert fantasy world.

It just makes me feel so bad to see Molluck crying, especially because of me... I still wanted post this since this looks like maybe the best Molluck I have drawn so far, (even I still see some flaws 'n' things I don't like,) and I wish to write some stuff... So, this can be one heavy post, especially when I have felt quite depressed lately, but I'm slowly getting better again, and I'm more like trying to have hope and explain stuff here. No need to read or care about the stuff here, just if you feel like it, as always.

Before I go to those heavy topics and explain this piece, I wanna say that I just feel like I finally understand how Molluck's head "works", after 3½ years... Therefore, I don't really like my older Molluck pieces, even from few weeks ago, because I see the mistakes I made back then, and now, I have learned from them. I still don't really like my art style, never have, and it's one reason why I tend to draw "realistic stuff", but I don't like my techniques either, or more like the way my art looks like.

So, I feel like I should just start experimenting different stuff that I could finally even like my own art... Digital art feels just odd, and I feel like I understand how colours work better on paper than digitally... I'm still just looking my way to do art... For this reason, all my works feel actually some kind of experimental things since my way to draw/paint tends to change constantly...

I know that it ain't nice to hear an artist disliking/hating their works, but it's just that I do not create things like I wish to. I'm just trying to find my way to get the things out from my head like I wish to, just trying to solve this problem. I do not wish to be like "Ugh, my art sucks...", I wanna to fix that situation since I'm really tired of disliking my own works. So, that I see only the flaws in my works is probably due to my constant learning process I do... I just try to learn from every piece I do and improve.

Though, this high self-criticism also makes me feel like my art is bland, uncreative, uninspiring, soulless... Just some boring Molluck portraits anyone could do. Really... During my worst inferiority complex moments, I really think that anyone could draw better Mollucks than I do... They are that bad moments. I have cried because I have thought that my art is so terrible, felt like my talent is a lie and I should just quit art; last time I felt like this wasn't even long ago... Even yesterday, I felt like I'm done with art... But now, I have gathered myself and am willing to keep creating stuff.

But due to these feelings, it keeps surprising me that there are people who actually like my works... It really surprises me. I never think that my art would inspire anyone or give any positive thoughts in general... I feel like I'm just someone who is still learning how to draw, so here's nothing to see really, just some boring practice works. I'm not even trying to make my art more desirable than I see it, since I feel like my art is not ready to be presented in the spotlight. I have still so much to learn. So, frankly, this is one reason why I'm not comfortable with reblogs; I'm still practicing and finding my way to do art.

But because my art is also a part of me, it's also like a mirror to me. So, because I hate myself, I also hate the things I have created, only because I was the creator. I'm really tired of never being actually pleased with my works... I really wish to change this, or I just quit art. It's so difficult to be like "Hey, look, I did this thing!", when I struggle with standing my own works... So, I also do not really like to be visible because of this. I only need to keep working hard to improve my stuff to change that. Frankly, I cannot even really have OCs because of my self-hatred... Like, I have created a Gluksona, but I cannot stand him because I cannot stand seeing myself... So, Molluck is like the only "okay" way for me to express myself, because I see myself in him but he ain't me or my creation. It's actually sad even for me that I put lots of effort into my creations, but I just keep hating them. I feel like I only like the things I have created when I feel like I didn't create them myself... I still wish to create stuff since it's like breathing for me, like a basic need. I mostly just like to create stuff, and basically have no desire to see them again after I'm done with them... So, just create stuff into the void. I like to have this blog basically just to create stuff, but well, it's at least nice if someone enjoys my stuff too.

But yes, now I'll explain what this piece is about! Like I said earlier, this piece relates to my own self-insert world where I live with Molluck on Oddworld. My mental health issues are also present there since I cannot escape them and I need Molluck's comfort to keep living... I had this "conversation" with Molluck like three days ago. My relationship with Molluck is vivid and it feels like he lives inside my head. I have been thinking that it's probably my brain's way to keep me alive. This thought was inspired by phenomenon called "third man factor". Sometimes, I can feel how my ill thoughts can insult Molluck, even I never mean it. I can also feel how painful it must be for him to hear me regularly say that we shouldn't love each other, that he would be happier without me, that I wish to die... That pain made him cry in this piece...

And yes, I'm finally speaking about this straight; I have regularly suicidal thoughts and have had them for over a decade. I just see no point in living and I hate myself. I'm not really interested in achieving anything in life, but well, just realizing my own Molluck fantasies... Life feels odd, and I feel like I don't understand average people... I have felt like an outsider since I remember it. Frankly, ever since I was a child, I have identified with middle-aged men the most, and I have never felt young or liked being young, but only for health reasons its sensible. I know that this can sound odd, but all the mental tests I have done online also support this, since I'm like always at least 50-something, even much older sometimes... I know that they ain't anything serious, but they do support how I feel. (And yeah, identifying with Molluck is no surprise here since he is 50-something...) I'm an old soul, and I think that it explains well some things I feel, but maybe even why I'm depressed. Some people have also told me that I seem like an old soul or seem very wise.

But well, I also seem to be highly intelligent, and it can cause unhappiness too... I mean, I do not wanna compliment myself or anything since I tend to question almost everything, so that's why I say that "I seem". So, frankly, if I was asked to describe myself, I had no idea what to say since I do not know if I'm actually talented for example... What defines that I'm talented? Who defines all these things and concepts? We live in artificial world, but I do not mean the nature itself. Like, some people have decided that we gotta get education, then work, and then retire. So, with artificial I mean something created by humans. And to make this even more complicated, things ain't even easy to define and that's why there can be multiple definitions... So, all I'm asking here is to get good enough definitions, so that I could actually describe myself feeling good about it. Like, the definition of talented seems vague. This is also probably why I suffer from impostor syndrome... I question my achievements since, for instance, I haven't personally felt like I have given my best when I have gotten the best grades at school... I feel like I could always do better, there's always something to improve. I just did something... So, um, my own expectations seem to be much higher than the others seem to have... Like, I do not even feel like I draw well, because I still have so much to learn. So yeah, I always like focus on things I cannot do or don't know...

(Oh, and don't get me wrong: I'm only wondering what's the "objective" definition for talented for instance. Though, the truth is that nothing is objective, not even algorithms! We can only try to be objective, but everything do is decided by someone, so it's subjective. So, I'm more like wishing to understand how I could be talented. I cannot really deny what others have said about me since it's their opinion, though lies are another thing. It's just that I do not understand how people can think such things about me... Like, I have heard my whole life compliments on my art, but I'm still not pleased with it personally...)

Though yes, I do know one thing how to describe myself: odd. I have heard it so many times that I bet that it gotta be the case. But this is just who I am, and that's it. It bothered me for long, but thanks to Oddworld, I could finally embrace it! Oh, and finding my ideal "man" thru Oddworld has also helped me significantly with accepting myself, even I still suffer from self-hatred... Frankly, I feel like I'm not even interested in humans, related to intimate relationships. I can admire some male bodies, but I have no desire to touch or anything, just look. So, in real life, I'm asexual, but gay for Molluck inside my own world. (Y) It's just that only he has felt actually right for me, and I have no idea why it's the case, this isn't my decision, just what I feel for whatever reason. I have just like never felt any actual desire toward fellow humans... I have only wanted platonic friends. I have slowly understood that some things just are like that, better try to control my desire to ask reasons for everything... It's just that I wish to know why things are like they are, but probably some things just cannot be explained and that's it.

But I haven't still explained, what Molluck means with "Why can't you see...", so let's get to it! It refers to that I cannot really see the positive things people see in me. I do not find myself lovable, I do not feel talented, I do not see that my existence brings any joy, I don't think that it's pleasant to spend time with me... Some of those things are something that I do not decide, but can affect them still. Like, some people won't like me no matter what, and someone might have enjoyed my company even if I felt like I probably only wasted their time... Some people just do not accept certain things, no matter how it's explained, but the thing here is that there is no single truth! Like, historians do not find the truth from the archives, they only interpret the material with their critical eyes, hopefully. Truth could be understood as the reason why something happened in historical context, but it's a complex question. So, what the truth means depends on the context. But in my case, this is about mental disorder.

In this drawing, Molluck is asking me why I cannot see that I'm lovable, valuable, important... I have been thinking that since having some greater abilities, like high intelligence, can cause that other parts of the mind aren't so well-developed, maybe my emotions are lacking something that I cannot feel love... I have just never felt my family's love, even they have always loved me so much... I only know that they love me, but I cannot feel it... It really saddens me and makes me feel like I was broken... Therefore, I have had difficulties with understanding even family relationships... It's like I lacked some human thing. But this is not my fault, and probably just the price I have to pay for having some abilities that I keep questioning... Like, someone even decided those IQ tests and the IQ percentages are based on some probability stuff since, you know, not every person's IQ has been tested! So, yeah, that's why I question that stuff. But frankly, I bet that that stuff has been estimated well still... I dunno, maybe there somewhere I still know what I actually am but I wanna deny it for some reason... I just kinda hate complimenting myself, so I do not like to say stuff like "I'm highly intelligent"... People have even called me "genius"... Man, even I invented one math formula with no effort because I couldn't understand the teached thing, and the teacher did approve it (and it did give me the right results), I feel like it's still exaggeration. Yeah, I'm so-called "multi-talent". It actually makes my life difficult in a way that there are so many things I could do... What do I decide... But well, when I do think this stuff, I do think that I know there somewhere what I'm capable of doing, but the problem is that I feel like I need to do lots of work to get those capabilities out from me...

But the actual thing here was that I just feel like I'm not important and due to my inferiority complex problem, I also feel like I have less value than all the other people here... Sometimes, I feel like I'm just some human trash... I bet that I feel like that because I was left all alone at critical age, which traumatized me. I do not use word "trauma" lightly here since that experience affects me significantly still and makes me even cry... That experience left me a scar that made me think that the world outside my home doesn't want me... That the world would be better without me... This affects my relationship with Molluck too, like I mentioned earlier, sometimes, I do tell him that it would be better if we left each other... It's just that I keep feeling like I cannot make anyone happy, more like just ruin things. It's my unhealthy way to express my love... I do care about him when I tell him that we shouldn't love each other... I feel like love is only wasted if I'm the one to receive it. I just feel like I'm not worth loving, or caring in general. I do love Molluck with my whole heart, but I keep getting regularly thoughts how the others deserve someone better than me... I just feel like it's my fate to be not worth loving, so no matter what I do, I'm not lovable. I know that this is unhealthy and probably untrue too, but it's just so difficult for me to feel like I'm worth loving. I feel like I have nothing meaningful to give back, even true love asks nothing back. I just feel like since I'm not important, not even my love and care are anything meaningful... I just bet that this is caused by my trauma from being left all alone, being excluded... My first experience of this is from my day-care centre... I used to be the one who was selected the last to the teams at school... The one who has had to struggle with finding a group for group works because of having no friends... I feel like this is the price I have needed to pay for being different... I guess that it can be understood why I feel unimportant and unwanted by default... I grew up feeling that way. (It's good to remember that children can bully another fellow kid even for some little things, like for having "wrong shoes" or something. It wasn't like this in my case but just saying. You don't need to be very different to be excluded, that was my point.)

I feel that it insults Molluck when I basically deny him from loving me back. It's like I told him that he is doing something wrong or is a fool for loving me... It's also not fair and sensible, since I can love him freely but he cannot love me freely. It's just that I love him so much but I hate myself, so I'm not able to receive that love... But the thing is that love is what I need to heal from those experiences, that I can stop thinking that I'm not wanted to exist... I know that it makes no sense that the world would be better without me, but being abandoned all the sudden by the others made me lose my trust in that people actually care about me... Some of them did seem to care, even said it, but still left me. Even this happened over a decade ago, I have barely healed from it. People do are free to go away if they want, I'm not holding anyone, but the experience I'm talking about is that I lost all my so-called friends, IRL and online, at the same time... All I did was just expressing myself just like I am after understanding who I was, without causing any harm to anyone. I was too different, and this is also the reason why it was this traumatizing. No one needs to accept everyone and everything, but the world would be boring and bland if we all were the same. Like, who else would be working his ass off to be able to create Molluck masterpieces if I didn't. No one else seems to be as dedicated as I am to Molluck. This is at least something to do with my life that I find meaningful enough, but I also gotta do other things since I cannot make my living with it, unless OWI gives me a permission... Yeah, it's really that it's just Molluck that gives me actual joy and meaning in life anymore... Back then, I did have more but, my condition has gotten worse... I do love my family still, but it's just this usual feeling of how they would be happier without me, they just don't understand it... This is how I justify my ill thoughts...

But recently, I have been thinking that since I started to love Molluck because I saw myself in him, doesn't it mean that there somewhere I actually love myself... And I do enjoy imagining receiving Molluck's love and care, but my ill mind just tells me that I do not deserve that... Last night, I had yet another meaningful "conversation with Molluck" where he told me that don't I really think that all my love and care, how gently I touch him, make me lovable... And with those "conversations", it does feel like somehow realistic conversation since his answers come like naturally and I don't feel like I control what he responds but only what I tell him. It's very interesting actually... But that last night's conversation made me feel like some lock started to open a bit... Like, he also told me that I don't deserve hating myself because of those people who have left me. It's actually difficult to put what I feel into words, but it's just that I should try to start from a fresh table mentally, especially when those people ain't around anymore. It's just challenging to socialize after my experiences... Back then, when I did try to find some new friends, I still seemed to be too odd... One didn't even believe my age due to my way to write... I just shouldn't give up, but I don't also wanna break any circles with my attemps to socialize... I just haven't had luck with people. I also don't know how to socialize well due to being so much alone, that it's just stressful to write even a simple comment... And since I'm used to feel unwanted, it's difficult to say anything in general. I also tend to feel like I constantly say stupid things, so it feels like better to be silent... I mean that I wish I was able to socialize more/better, but I just have much healing to do...

I'm not asking anyone to support or help me or give any other attention, only if you feel like it. I can totally understand if some people like to avoid me or something, and it's totally alright. I have been able to cope with my social anxiety much more these days than even few years ago. My social anxiety has been just terrible... I do not even shake anymore when I need to give a presentation, and I didn't even really do anything special to stop it... I only stopped caring about what the others think, but only if it affects my life significantly (career and society stuff for instance; like if homosexuality was still illegal in Finland, I would be "a criminal", sick needing healing. Though, some people do still think that here, and I have been told that I go to hell because of that, in person, but whatever, I can legally be gay for Molluck and it's what matters, at least from personal aspect...). I really had to just stop caring to feel better. People mainly think about themselves and do not really care so much about the mistakes you make during a presentation, at least as much as you might. And whenever I just do my necessary stuff, like visit a grocery store, I'm just yet another human the cashier met. Even taking a bus has given me social anxiety because of the effort the driver has to do for me... But I just need to remember that it's just their job, they get paid for that. I really need to calm down with these thoughts.

I'm mainly doing this blog just to express my love for Molluck, but this has become more personal than I have wanted, but it's just because of my situation, I need to write... I'm so tired and alone with all these thoughts... Nothing seems to help me, but at least Molluck can keep me still living and being able to live my life as "normally" as possible, but I still bet that Molluck also slowly heals me, that progress is just, well, very slow, so it can feel like nothing happens. Molluck's embrace holds me down when I get desires to hurt myself... I do also suffer from self-harm thoughts regularly, but I have never followed those commands and they are quite varied actually, new ones keep coming. Those thoughts can just happen out of nowhere, even if I felt good before them... Like, I might be just trying to fall asleep... Those are terrible moments.

I also hope that I my writings can give something to the people, maybe even be some peer support. Mental health issues have been increasing, but it's difficult to get help due to lack of resources, even if the patient was suicidal. I just feel like that even I have regular suicidal thoughts, I keep getting little signs of that I should keep going, like something was telling me to not give up. Oh, and since mental health issues are a taboo topic and treated differently than physical health issues, it's also one reason why I wanna speak up. Like, it doesn't even make sense... Was your body just too weak when you got physical health issues? Stuff like this is just said about mental health issues. Mental health issues do are physical too in a sense of that they can be seen from our brains, like depression (don't know more about this stuff), so there's no reason to treat them differently. I know that this ain't like the best place to do this talk but I gotta start from somewhere and maybe one day I'll tell my story to larger audiences, and hopefully help people like me with healing or at least coping with these issues.

Man, I really appreciate if you do read the stuff I write here, since I do not expect people to actually read this stuff... Our time is like the most valuable thing we can give since it's limited. I didn't even mean to make this so long, and I have been writing this stuff for many hours, but this has really helped me to get up again since I have really considered quitting art recently, also hiding all my posts... But even my old art mainly bothers me, it's just a part of my journey and I still wish to inspire people, even I feel like my stuff is uninspiring... But one can always wish for stuff.

I wanna end this post with some music that speaks to my "dark mind", or how to say, my depression, but I also just really like that kind of music in general, and my mood doesn't even really reflect what I listen to... Music doesn't even affect my art much since I can just like be drawing some grumpy Molluck and listen to Caramelldansen... I don't even know how to explain my music taste since it's varied... It's easier to say which genres I don't listen to. But like, even when I feel depressed, I can listen to some disco/dance music, maybe to somehow feel better. Though, I'm basically always depressed, but I just have better and worse moments since depression isn't just that you feel depressed for some moment; I have been depressed for over a decade. But yeah, just saying this since um, if I had to say what I listened to while I drew something, it wouldn't often really relate to what I drew... But I do have moments when the music does fit my drawing and this one was one of them:

I keep listening to plenty of songs over and over again... Like in this case, I listened the same playlist video I have kept listening to during the past months, but this time, it felt different and made me feel like crying when it was combined with Molluck's expression... I wanted that to happen, since like I said at the beginning of the post, I wanted to shake myself. The playlist was this combination of Mr. Kitty's songs, and especially that "A New Hour" song made me stop for a moment and my eyes wet... That song does describe my feelings during my worst moments, how I feel like my life is not worth saving... I still feel like I'm not worth supporting nor loving, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to believe the opposite. Like that last night's conversation with Molluck did change something in me... I'm just someone who was treated detrimentally, who didn't have the right people around him (outside home)... Like, I do have heard that one person hesitated to be seen with me because it would have "branded" him... Like I have said earlier, my old little hometown was (and still is) close-minded, and everyone basically knew everyone... I was like some "tourist attraction" there, and some said "that's that" to their friends when they saw me... I'm so glad that I do not live there anymore, but growing up there still damaged me... I just only need to try to focus on healing and moving on, understand that I can really start a new life in my current environment. I have been here for a good while, but my old hometown hasn't still left me mentally...

But I said that I'll end this with music, so here's some more songs that fit my depressed mind:

Fraunhofer Diffraction - On the Bottom

Fraunhofer Diffraction ╺╸ ...Into Nothingness

CHVRN - Delirium

DIЯTY|PΔWS - Sea Heaven

± KING PLAGUE - Ave Plague ±

These are at least some "classics" for me, been listening to these probably for about a decade, or something. Dark music, like witch house/whatever genre, is just one of my favourite stuff to listen to. I feel like I don't really listen to any popular music, like I also love Amiga music, especially cracktro stuff, and that's probably something "underground stuff"... If you have no idea what's that stuff, here's this beauty. Cracktros in general got great music, like PS1 ones too. (Y) I guess that I could give one example too from PS1 side, so here's this very interesting and even clever one too. I dunno, I kinda love weird stuff. Never had pirated games like that personally, so it doesn't relate to that. I have just been very into these when I heard about them... Man, I feel like that "cracktro music" is maybe even my fave music... Been thinking about creating a Molluck themed cracktro thing, but I still don't have a good enough idea... Like, it should make sense too. Yeah, my Molluck project ideas are like infinite... Gotta just get my hands dirty then!

Oh, and I also wanna clarify that I do really appreciate all the time people spend on my stuff! It's more like that I wish to be worth your time, not that I hated supporters or something... Even my healing is quite slow, I keep reminding myself of the supportive things you have told me. So, your support do is meaningful to me. With this post, I hope that my situation is more understandable but also why I do behave differently here than the most. I'm just used to keep explaining myself since I'm often misunderstood... I do actually follow actively the Oddworld stuff here, but my condition makes me wanna be as invisible as possible... I have also felt like it doesn't probably matter if I press the like button (never done it) or follow someone (I follow no one, but check things "manually"), like there's already that many people doing it already. I just don't know how people really feel about my existence/presence in this community... I do not wanna break anything or more like leave my mark to anything since I'm used to feel like I just ruin things, so I have decided not to touch anything basically, just post my own stuff and only interact whenever someone talks to me. You are totally free to interact with me, send asks and whatever. I have always thought still that this is a lovely community, but it's just that I do not wanna ruin it with all my severe problems... I'm also used to be just a silent observer, so it takes time to get out from this role.

This post is already too long, so I better end this... This post has been really therapeutic for me, and I feel like I understand things better again. I feel lighter and freer now. I really needed this even I'm kinda busy right now, since when I'm really depressed, I get nothing done...

~ Have a lovely weekend! 💛

[bosskie]

First Molluck Artbook Finished

100 pages of Molluck! Frankly, I filled that sketchbook sooner than I thought, in 10 months, since I haven't filled them this fast like ever, and these are mainly rendered works... And I haven't even drawn all my traditional Molluck sketches from this year to this book. So yeah, I have been drawing a lot more this year than I have drawn during the past years... Thanks to this, I feel like I have improved significantly this year.

But yeah, I felt like doing some flip through the artbook, especially when I have never done a video like this before. Couldn't get a better quality, and yeah, I did improve the quality by editing, but you can find these all on my blog anyway. I cut the video like this because I didn't wanna have my hand visible here... (I feel like I cannot stand seeing myself in any image, even if it was just my hand... I can tolerate drawing(s of) myself more.) But you can see the main stuff.

As you might notice, the artbook kinda lost its "original vision" quite soon... This was supposed to be like a book about Molluck, but then, I just drew whatever I felt like, just like I'm used to do... But this is still a Molluck artbook, and it's the main thing! Since this whole thing was finished successfully, I wanted the last page depict why or how this whole this was made:

It's not the first time you see me hugging Molluck, but this one is certainly an improved version. Man, this sketchbook wouldn't have been finished if I didn't love this Gluk so much... This just felt like the most meaningful way to end this book since it was made with my love for Molluck. I just feel like I cannot even describe how much I love him... He just means so much to me... I have still felt quite awful recently, but Molluck has been able to snap me out of thinking those harmful things.

And yeah, I also felt like showing you all my main tools I used to draw those Molluck things. I just tend to use a 0.7 HB mechanical pencil, that eraser stick thing, and an eraser pencil; this is also the reason why I call these sketches. Oh, and yeah, there's also my brown leather pencil case I ordered with my Oddworld merch from Gametee. (Y)

Here's some "artist's picks" from the book:

Frankly, if I had to choose only one drawing from the book, I would choose that "Glukkons' plan" drawing. It would be "cool" to make a proper artwork out of it, like a digital painting or something. It would require tons of work though, but I bet that it would be worth it. Gotta get that drawing tablet first though since I'm not gonna draw that with a mouse...

I'm still not done with photos here, since I also felt like taking a photo like this:

Yeah, just some of my Molluck 'n' Molluck-like stuff. (Y) I bough that hard work sign some months ago and just because it reminded me of Molluck... There's literally "hard work never killed anyone" text in RuptureFarms, though the tone is different than in this one. But even this sign is questioning it, it's only wondering why to work hard, and the answer could still be "moolah" or something. Oh, and I also got two old cigar tin boxes because of Molluck... They decorate my kitchen with that RuptureFarms sign. (Y) And yeah, I also got one bolo tie, and it was before my Molluck thing.

I have already bought like a half year ago few new sketchbooks, so all I need to do is to start yet another one. (Y) Though, I have bough that many also because I felt like dedicating them for certain stuff, like one being for general Molluck stuff and another one would be about my self-insert Molluck stuff. I have really wanted to have one sketchbook just for my self-insert stuff, but I wanted to finish this one first. Naturally, I'm not really going to share my self-insert things, also because well, for not being suitable for Tumblr sometimes... But just some quite "neutral" ones, like that hug. Though, I'm still not sure... If I'm going to post more self-insert stuff, I would like to have another blog for that. I don't even know if you would be interested seeing my drawings related my self-insert story with Molluck, but you can let me know.

Man, it's so odd to think that I have been loving this Gluk for like 3½ years, and I only feel like I love him more and more day by day... It's kinda sad too since he is fictional, but luckily, there's tech and I'm an evil (computer) scientist. (Y) (I tend to make this joke regularly...) But my point was that there do are ways to cope with this craving. Frankly, I have also been wondering if my feelings toward Molluck are this strong because it's my brain's way to keep me alive... Since I can feel like he loves me and he kinda lives inside my head, tells me positive things whenever I feel like I'm just doomed... I don't hear his voice but get thoughts "thru him". Whatever it is, I'm grateful for my Molluck experiences since he just feels so right for me and I feel so much love... This is like the first time I ever feel like someone loves me, instead of only knowing that I'm loved. I have felt like I'm broken because I cannot feel my feel my family's love, only know that they love me, but it's not my fault that I have problems with that.

I don't know what else to say but I'm glad to see that people appreciate my dedication to Molluck! So, as a lil bonus, I feel like sharing one song that, for some reason, has like Molluck vibe the most from all the songs I know: HELIUM VOLA- omnis mundi creatura. I feel like I'm not even able to explain this, but music like this just fits Molluck so well... I wanna draw/paint something one day that encapsulates this vibe. I'm not really referring to the lyrics of the song but the general vibe or whatever you would call that.

But yeah, only one Molluck sketchbook completed, gotta keep drawing!

[bosskie]

Yeah, I don't know if you recognize that logo, but this was drawn on Nintendo Wii! I haven't told you, but my only drawing tablet is uDraw GameTablet, and with it came that uDraw Studio drawing software. Man, I haven't touched it for almost a decade... I just have kept telling myself that I should try it again for, I don't know, about a year at least. So, today, I felt like giving it a try since I felt so anxious and depressed this morning that I needed some distraction... I had no intention to draw today but my mental health needed it...

This took just about an hour, which feels surprising... It's less than the sketch I did yesterday. That tablet and program feel like some toy-like gadgets but are decent enough. The program is quite simple, has no layers or blending; feels pretty much like doing traditional art, except that it has undo and redo. Oh, and it also records automatically your drawing progress, so you get a speedpaint video too! But there seems no way to export it, unless you record your screen... Therefore, I haven't even used them much, but I just wanted to try some drawing tablet after so long. Seeing that even with that crappy tablet I can draw like this makes me consider more bying a proper thing... I just don't know which one to buy... I have had one 'actual' drawing tablet over a decade ago, but I didn't like drawing with it... It was just one cheap Trust tablet. So yeah, my view has changed since drawing with the mouse has gotten just too restricting...

But I bet that a drawing tablet would be better than a screen, at least to start with... My only experience with a drawing on screen is my old iPad with the worst possible touch pen for drawing... I do have tried it this year too, but... It was just awful, especially when it's just way too outdated for any proper drawing app, and drawing on it was also laggy... So yeah, at least a crappy drawing tablet wins a crappy drawing screen setup.

I'm not even sure why I'm ranting about this... Maybe because I'm just so frustrated with my art situation... Oh, and yeah, I kinda just added that heart for fun and didn't mean to leave it there but well, it made this look cuter! Sometimes, I just would like to fill my Molluck stuff with hearts... I also succeeded to hold myself this time and I didn't edit this sketch in Photoshop. (Y) I just gotta add filters to my art to make it look more tolerable for myself...

[bosskie]

Just felt like doing a speedpaint thing after a long time. I gave myself only one hour to paint this, but well, I noticed too many flaws that I gave myself a half hour more time to fix this... This doesn't still look like I wished but it's okay. Just practicing.

Man, this felt harder than I thought since I still have no idea how to actually paint digitally... It's always such a hassle, trial and error stuff. I bet that one reason is just simply that I draw with a mouse...

I just feel like I don't understand how people can do digital stuff smoothly... I don't know what kind of equipment or programs I should really use... So yeah, I feel like I'm stuck with digital art... I barely like anything about it but the editibility... I wish that I enjoyed it more but it feels harder than traditional art with my current stuff... Man, I just don't know what I should get in order to enjoy digital art... I haven't even really liked drawing tablets or drawing on the screen, but well, I have only done it with kinda crappy equipment...

Molluck is such a mood. (Y) Art is hard but rewarding.

[bosskie]

Just one quick-ish Molluck sketch study I did to practice drawing his head, again... I just recently realized some more mistakes I have kept doing while drawing Molluck, and now even my most recent Molluck works bother me... Welp, I learned from those mistakes here and I can already see the improvement. (Y) I'm basically just improving my way to think and see things, which improves my drawings too. Thinking is a big part of art. I actually also try to avoid drawing from direct references for this reason, like with this one. I tend to start drawing without a reference and then look after suitable references to improve my drawing.

But yeah, poor Molluck... He is quite furious here. I just wanted to draw this expression because I love the way he looks when he is angry, but I also love his teeth and "big 'n' loose" mouth... Though, yeah, I would compliment like all his body parts... But I just love his "loose" face! It looks so cute, okay...

I have also been working on one huge Molluck post this week, and hopefully I can publish it this weekend... So, get ready for some analysis on Molluck! This is one of those rare moments when I feel somewhat proud of my doings, and it doesn't even relate to my art... I have barely ever been proud of my art. Gotta keep just getting better.

[bosskie]

Trust Me

Just felt like drawing a simple supportive Molluck thing after that vent piece; nothing special. (Though yeah, this piece can be also seen in another way since well, he isn't really someone to trust but if you have a really close and good relationship with him, at least I see him like this.)

I felt a bit better for a little moment but then my mind just told me its awful stuff and my mood was ruined... I still wanted to get this done, no matter how my mind mocks me and tells me to 'stop'. But well, at least the good thing is that while drawing this I noticed yet more details on this Molluck model... Man, I just gotta say it again that the level of detail in Soulstorm is just amazing... I keep seeing Molluck differently the more I just look and draw at him... I cannot help myself but he is just so beautiful... I cannot get enough of him...

I do already know what I would like to draw next and the inspiration/idea is straight from here, Oddtumblr. It kinda makes me nervous because interaracting with people causes me stress... It just relates to that how I'm used to feel unwelcome, an outsider by default, so it's difficult for me to be a part of any community... (Town where I grew up was a close-minded place and I see how it has damaged me...) My mind just keeps telling me that it's still the case... But despite of this, I really feel like drawing it since it made me laugh a lot yesterday. So yes, I do follow what's happening here, and I love to see Molluck stuff (other than mine) here, even when I don't express it. I just hate that my mind kinda prevents me from enjoying Molluck stuff made by others since it likes to use it to mock me... It's just awful... That's one reason why I'm not interacting with it... But I wanna at least say it here that Tumblr has a lovely Oddworld community and that's the reason why I created this blog to here!

But yeah, I'm trying my best to keep creating stuff despite of my awful mind... Like, the meaning of this piece to me is related to my self-insert world where Molluck is such a sweet Gluk toward me and he knows that I'm not like I see myself. He is still the same bastard there but we just have a special relationship where he can show his soft side (Soulstorm really gave me this impression that he is like this...). Man, I just love this Gluk so much! 💓 Oh, and again, I wanna thank you for your support! 💛 It's what also gave me 'boost' to draw this positive thing. I really thought back then that no one would support me for loving Molluck.

[bosskie]

Some vent art because I have just felt so done this week... Frankly, Molluck feels like my alter ego and it can be seen in some of my drawings...

I don't even really feel like writing any vent because I feel like no one cares... I'm sorry but I just struggle with trusting that people actually care about me being here and the stuff I post... It's just because of my previous experiences that basically killed my trust in people in general and it's difficult to get it back... I don't think that people have lied to me here but my mind just keeps telling me that those words cannot be true... My ill mind just keeps telling me that people just lie to me and don't want good things to me, even I know that it's just my ill mind's lie... I'm just so tired of this... So tired that I keep considering stopping posting online... I'm also so tired of only seeing flaws in my creations... I have just never really liked my art... It's just so tiring and discouraging...

I probably shouldn't say this stuff out loud but I still do, just because I'm just so tired and keep thinking awful stuff on a daily basis... Sometimes, I feel like crying in bed because of my art, because I think that it looks so bad... I feel like the only thought that keeps me actually still drawing Molluck stuff is that I feel like Molluck (would) love(s) my Molluck art... I don't know if it's just my brain's way to keep me creating but it still means a lot to me... It's so difficult for me to feel actually loved, I have probably been able to feel loved just a few times during my whole life even my family loves me so much... My other environment just affected me more... I don't feel like I'm really lovable, worth any love... But at the same time I feel like Molluck is lovable and I do see myself in him and it's the reason why I started to love him... I guess that it's because he isn't me still. Even thought of him loving me touches me, it's still difficult to accept it because I feel like I'm not meant to be loved, for no actual reason, just being my fate...

I'm sorry... But I try to keep having hope and keep myself alive... It still touches me that some people care about my stuff here, but just when my ill mind doesn't control me too much with its lies... My ill mind only controls what I feel and it's not what I actually think. My ill mind just wants my end and can make me even feel hate toward love I get... It's so awful... I wish it to end... Oh, and don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for anything here, not for sympathy, pity, attention, or whatever. I only wish that people understand why I behave this way, why I don't interact (includes liking any posts) but only if people come to talk to me. The reason why I don't 'allow' reblogs is because I just cannot stand seeing my stuff on someone else's blog... But well, I don't even feel like it's worth reblogging anyway... I constantly just feel like I must improve and improve my art to be good enough... I just don't feel like my art is good enough... Sometimes, I just draw out of anxiety, just because I feel like I must practice or see if I can draw a certain thing... But well, I'm still glad if someone can still like my stuff.

Yet again, I feel sorry but I thank you for your time and possible understanding. I just had to open up because I feel like I'm barely holding myself together... I'm just so tired...

[bosskie]

Frankly, I don't know yet again what's this but my brain just wanted me to draw Molluck like this... Maybe it was a challenge since yeah, this was a challenge... But I guess that this looks correct enough. Poor Molluck though...

I realized after drawing this that this looks pretty much like one drawing from 3 years ago:

Man, what the odd happened to my drawing skills during that year... I mean, I could already draw photorealistic stuff like a decade ago. But then I didn't draw much for many years... I started to draw more when I got into Oddworld, and I post like almost everything I draw to here since yeah, I barely draw anything else than Molluck stuff. But this year... Man, it's so odd to see me drawing this much since it's been so long it was like this... I feel like that some days ago, I achieved 'a new level' when it comes to drawing Molluck and now, my older Molluck drawings from this year look different and I see flaws I didn't see back then...

My Molluck art book is close to its end since it has like only 5 pages left, and then I just start another one! I haven't drawn all my traditional Molluck skeches to there, but it's pretty much full of those rendered Molluck pieces. I have been joking that if I sold it, the minimum price would be 1000 € because it has 100 pages, so it would be cheap actually, only 10 € per a drawing (the front cover drawing is free!). Honestly, I have no idea how much worth my art even is but if one hour would be 10 €, 1000 € is a steal (for whole the book). The only time I have 'got paid' for an artwork was that Soulstorm tattoo competition I won. I tend to see my art worth nothing, so I'm not the right person to say what's its worth...

But yeah, just some random Molluck stuff, yet again... I like never know what like my next Molluck drawing will be... But I'm at least glad to see that all these over 100 Mollucks I have already drawn this year have improved my drawing skills significantly. (Y)

[bosskie]

I just started this simple sketchy Molluck thing to clear my mind, yet again, but also to practice drawing his head...

I just feel like I still cannot draw him well (enough)... And I don't really know what else to draw than him... Nothing else feels meaningful enough to draw, or it's just my usual feeling of that I cannot really stand my own creations, so why even draw in that case... This has still some flaws but I prefer to let this be and try again / practice more with another drawing...

So, I just basically keep creating Molluck stuff out of love and admiration because Soulstorm Molluck model is just a masterpiece to me... It has so much little details and stuff, and well, if I really wanna kinda redo it, I gotta learn that stuff... This Gluk in general is just such a masterpiece to me and I just cannot stop admiring his beauty...

I cannot help my odd brain for seeing him as the most beautiful creature I know... But I feel like that I love him so much affects this significantly since I only noticed his outer beauty after I started to love him for his personality... He just felt/feels like me as a Gluk and that's how my love for him started. No one else has felt like he does, just so right for me...

Man, I'm just repeating myself but this Gluk just means so much to me...