#i dont want to lose people anymore i cant keep going like this

[ringtaileds]

I wish you were with me so I could celebrate with you, I miss you.

I'll make sure to call more often this time. I'll find the things you got me and make sure they never leave me again.

I need to make sure I can see my cousins more too. All of them.

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[melissa-titanium]

GOD therseomuch shit to do i thought id have time today to DO stuff. its the fucking weekend why do ihave to do 2 classes and go outside and literally do something for school . the weekDAYS are always busy i havent had a free moment since i fucking joined

[our-lady-of-mcr]

.

[peaches-and-honey-and-the-moon]

Little sis in law got a kitten. Guess who's now taking care of said kitten while said kitten terrorizes my kitten. Not little sis

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

your transfem friend recommended a clinic to get your bottom surgery done at. she says its cheap, not gatekeepery, and the results are good, even if the doctors a little skeevy. youre at the address she gave you and are wondering how exactly your murder will go down. the door is on a third floor landing accessible only from a fire escape out of a back alley in the worst part of town youve ever seen. you knock three times and the door is answered by a ratty-looking woman with a severe slouch smoking something that doesnt smell like nicotine and doesnt smell like marijuana. her wavy blonde hair is unkempt. shes wearing an oversized grey hoodie that hasnt been washed in some time. you can identify blood on the left sleeve and vomit across much of her side, as well as other, more mysterious stains. you cant tell if shes wearing anything underneath the hoodie. the inside of the apartment - because it is, very clearly, her apartment - has a smell that you cant place but, if pressed, would probably call sweat, though you know that description is lacking something.

dr davis, you ask. she smiles wide, and her teeth are shockingly good for the state the rest of her is in. just call me riley, she says. never did get a degree.

she ushers you inside and sits you down on a sofa almost as stained as her hoodie. can i get you a drink she asks. a drink, you repeat, dazed. she says yeah. she says she has diet coke, beer, vodka, and coffee. says she used to keep tea around for a friend of a friend but she hasnt come by in a few years and the leaves are probably losing flavor by now. you say just waters fine. she shrugs and says your funeral. she comes back from the kitchen and sweeps some stuff off the coffee table. you see a stray scalpel, a roll of gauze bandages, a soda cup from taco bell, and various crumpled papers amongst the rubbish that she knocks aside before setting down your glass of water. she has a beer in her own hand and pops the cap off with her teeth, though the motion isnt quite how youre used to seeing people do it. she takes a big gulp before she keeps talking.

so what do you want your pussy to look like, she asks. you splutter a bit. she says you are the one who needed their bits redone right. you flush and say yeah thats me. she nods and says right so what do you want. you struggle to give a good answer and she starts asking questions. depth? width? color? clit size? you give your answers falteringly. she starts asking about labia. oh, you dont want dentata, do you, she says. that costs extra. you say you dont know what that means. she says dont worry about it. hey do you wanna get pregnant? you splutter again. not now she clarifies. well i can get you pregnant now too if you want that. doesnt even have to be human i think i have some horse sperm around here if you want. i just meant like ever in the future. you say you dont know. she says okay shell leave it out for now but come back if you ever want her to put the womb in. youre too stunned to reply.

she says oh do you want to keep your dick, i can do that. you say you thought they needed the tissue from the penis in order to make the vaginal lining. she laughs and takes another gulp from her beer. she says so is that a no. you say you guess you hadnt thought about it. she says she can reschedule if you need to think, no rush. you say no i guess i dont want it anymore. she nods and says come back if you change your mind.

she says ok, i think i can start operating now if youre ready. you say okay and she tells you to lie on your back and strip naked. you follow her instructions. youre still not sure if youre going to die today or not. she pulls on a big pair of rubber gloves. not latex medical gloves, they're yellow dishwashing gloves. she grabs a small jar of what looks like petroleum jelly off a shelf nearby. you cant help but notice that theres also lube, condoms, saran wrap, and a bottle of honey on the same shelf. you dont ask. she starts vigorously rubbing the jelly into your skin from the belly button down. everywhere it touches you instantly go numb. she keeps talking while she works. a lot of it is her telling stories about "her amy." you cant tell if amy is a sister, wife, or pet. she might be all three.

she reaches up to grab an empty syringe off the top shelf. when she stretches you notice shes naked under the hoodie. you look away bashfully. she doesnt seem to notice.

she fills the syringe with liquid from a bucket in the closet. the liquid is neon green. she injects it into your inner upper thigh. you are now certain you're going to die today, but you cannot make a break for it with your legs numbed, so you wait.

she says okay this is the part where a lot of people get squeamish so look away if you think you might get sick. she pulls out a set of knives. some of them look like dentistry tools, some of them are medical scalpels, and some of them are kitchen knives. you look away. she starts humming to herself while she works. the tune is pop goes the weasel.

hey, she calls out to you from between your legs, how many nerves do you want in your clit? you say uh i dont know, whats a normal amount. she says about ten thousand give or take two thousand in either direction. you say ten thousand sounds fine. she doesnt respond, just goes back to humming. its a different tune. shes humming old macdonald now.

she gets up a couple times to grab new drinks. you say should you be drinking during an operation? she says dont worry i know what im doing. besides i never took the hippocratic oath. she laughs at that, the sound somewhere between a giggle and a cackle. you don't think its that funny. she resumes her work.

this time shes humming the alphabet song. you ask how old are you anyway? she says somewhere between 12 and 47. then she laughs again. you decide to stop asking questions.

four beers, two diet cokes, three unidentifiable cigarettes, and five hours later, she stands up and announces shes done. she wipes her brow without taking the glove off, smearing unidentifiable bodily fluids across her forehead. she jabs another syringe into your other thigh and the feeling returns to your lower body. you're a little sore but other than that you feel great. she wheels over a full length mirror and tells you to take a look. its perfect. youre everything youve ever dreamed you would be. you cant describe how euphoric it feels to see a vagina, your vagina, between your legs. you thank her tearfully. she smiles awkwardly. of course, shes saying.

how much do i owe you you ask. she shrugs. iunno, a hundred bucks? im not in it for the money. you pay her the hundred bucks and leave quickly. you barely remember to get dressed again before heading out. you have never seen Riley again.

[passthenirvana-69]

i always take the bus to work, and its a longer ride,,,, i can never help myself fantasizing about picking the wrong seat one day, and feeling something start movin under my ass. i try not to panic as i feel it just.. squeeze me for a moment, before i can see a thick, colorfully patterned tentacle slide its way up my cunt, over my work pants.

it seems dry, thankfully, not leaving any marks on my pants. i look around to make sure nobody else can see, but the bus is empty apart from me and the driver. i look back down when i feel a warmth against my stomach, and the tentacle is sliding into my jeans- slowly, like its just exploring, but surely making its way toward my cunt. i cant help but get wet as it slides under my boxers, and my heart skips a beat as i feel a sticky trace from the tip as it drags around my cock. i bite my tongue as it feels like it almost shrinks to better wrap around my hardening cock, the cool excretion sending tingles through my legs.

just when my thighs begin to tense, it slides down and in, and i feel it start growing thicker as it enters me. i take deep breathes as it shallowly fucks in and out of me, growing thicker and thicker. it grinds against my cock and i ball my hands into fists under my jacket. its stretching me out slowly, but its not stopping, and i panic as i lose hold on my breathing feeling it go deeper and deeper. im glad nobody can see how i shake slightly as i feel it hit my cervix, stretching me as much as it can.

it stops moving, and i think it must be over soon, thank god- im almost at my stop. Then it shifts underneath me, and the end of the tentacle that comes out of my pants starts to shrink. is this thing going to stay inside of me??? i can feel it still leaking inside of me despite there being no room for its 'cum' around how thick it is. i pant as it disappears between my legs, nesting in my boxers.

i press my legs together as it throbs inside of me, and wait one more stop before i get out for work. every step i take makes me want to moan, and im just glad whatever this thing is has stopped moving and is now using me to keep warm.

somehow, i make it through work without much incident, just a few odd looks occasionally. i walk to the bus stop, accustomed to the feeling of the tentacle inside me. ive been hoping that once im back on the bus, itll leave me and i dont have to deal with it anymore, as much as id miss this thick 'cock.'

i sit down on the bus, and its full this time of people getting off work. i dont feel any movement from the tentacle for a few minutes after the bus continues on. until we hit a bump that sends me sitting down Hard on it, making me moan. its lost in the sound of everyones shock, but my face is pure red anyways. i press my lips shut, but, as if this thing had heard it, it begins fucking into me.

i look out the window, hair covering my eyes as i clench around it. i pray nobody notices my thighs clench as i wait one more stop before im almost home. if the wait there is brutal, the walk home is pure torture as it seems to be feeding off my arousal. my legs shake as i make the two blocks home, glad nobody is out.

as soon as im in the door, i kick my shoes off and stumble to my room, falling onto my bed with a cry. ive never been more happy to live alone as i hurry out of my clothes, the tentacle still thrusting in and out of me. as i get my boxers off, it expands, and the liquid it had seeped into me earlier now oozes out thickly, forming into more tentacles around the base.

i shudder and whine brokenly as they find their way to my cock and ass as the one inside my cunt grinds against my cervix. excess tentacles are long and thin, and drape over my legs and up my waist and tits, writhing and groping me as it fucks me slowly. it isnt hurrying, and i whimper and shake as it forces orgasm after orgasm out of me until i pass out.

and when i wake up in the earliest hours of morning, its left my legs tingling, and with cum still leaking out my holes, covering my thighs and sheets. little do i know, its scent is now stained on me for other creatures like this to notice me ouy and about.

[iantosource]

i have a Take that people probably aren't going to like very much but. i was watching miracle day with my friend and we were discussing jack's character and it sort of hit me why jack feels less and less interesting as a character as time goes on.

a lot of jack's character in torchwood is about being mysterious. there are a lot of gaps in his history between becoming immortal and the present day that he just wont talk about, or only in very vague terms (his wife shown in something borrowed, his time with the traveling circus,....) and thats sort of where we start to get an issue once we enter big finish material. because if they wanna keep that mysteriousness that's so central to torchwood jack they really cant fill out too many of those gaps, so instead a lot of his audios ive listened to are kinda just "hey lets make jack have a little adventure unrelated to anything else". and that can be fun for sure! but it's rarely a story that tells you something new about jack, unlike say, ianto's stories which almost always give you new details on his life and mannerisms and tastes. (this probably happens with the other characters too but ive only listened to a couple of audios for gwen, tosh and owen so i dont have as much knowledge to base myself on)

eventually jack becomes kind of boring because they just never add any depth to him anymore. i found it especially noticeable in the story continues : jack doesn't really have anything going on besides being sad about ianto and not telling his team about his plans? the static-ness of the characters is a bit of a problem in general with seasons 6 and 7 but jack was already written this way in season 5. i feel like part of this is big finish not wanting "backlash" from the fans if they make jack "move on" from ianto, but it just feels very strange because it isn't the first time jack has lost someone he loved and even though he's obviously heartbroken about losing them, he never let it stop him from falling in love again. (plus they could've definitely made his character evolve without putting him in a new relationship......)

in short i feel like jack is stagnating in a lot of big finish stories compared to the way the rest of the team gets new layers added to their characterisation in every new audio drama. it's making him boring when he used to be very very compelling.

[hecksupremechips]

"I am not afraid of you at all. I have nothing left to lose. I have power I can use. Nothing you can say or do will ever stop me again" <<< aka the moment from Carrie the musical that makes me lose my shit every time

[throwbacktears]

people on here really don't like re-contextualizing midnights as a breakup album but. with "hits different", with the news of their breakup, and now finally "youre losing me", it just. it makes so much sense as a break-up album. and even if we didnt consider it as one at the time, i dont think there's anything wrong with coming to see it as one now. looking at it at all at face value, it just makes sense. even if some people might not want to hear that.

taylor has always said midnights is an album about choices - the ones we treasure, the ones we regret, the ones we mull over until the early morning.

lavender haze, given all that we now know, was clearly about taylor trying to keep her head in the clouds -- blissful ignorance -- a la "lavendar haze" -- when its apprarent theres a big elephant in the room. i always found it interesting that whenever she referred to her and joe's relationship, she fixated a lot on when they first got together, and he was there for her when no one else was. its almost like that was her anchor and justification to stay with him anyway, despite the (now-implied) emotional neglect that was actually going on, despite the multiple breaks they've supposedly have had to take over the course of their relationship. she just wants to stay in that time period where everything was perfect, when everything was still rosy, in that "lavendar haze".

bejeweled -- the idea that, even though someone wants to keep her a secret, and dim her light in the process, it wont stop her from shining, and she cant help it. and if theyre not willing to let her shine, something has got to give. the idea of her being kept to the basement, by this person, when she just wants "the penthouse of your heart".

the same themes in bejeweled of doing all the extra credit, just to get graded on a curve, to youre losing me, where "i give all my best me's, my endless empathy, and all i did was bleed"

maybe calling midnights a breakup album is too reductive, since not all the songs refer to her and joe's relationship, and thus not every song is a breakup song. but to call midnights anything other than, at the very least, a melancholic, relationships-on-the-rocks (re: theme of staying up until midnight over decisions), break-up adjacent album, where its clear something has got to give, despite the good that they had - especially given the context we have now - is amiss.

like the wisdom that comes with looking back at her re-recordings with new eyes and revisiting those times knowing what she knows now, she also uses the theme of midnights to ponder her then-current problems. such as: do i have to lose the person that i love most, because nothing they are doing, and everything they have been doing, is not enough anymore?

[shuxiii]

Hows of us— hanni x reader x minji (subtle)

Note: AHAIAHUA KATHNIEL REFERENCE 😋 And this might have been rushed since this has been in my draft for ages and i did not proofread.

Synopsis: Two old lovers meet again but feelings have changed yet one stays the same

As we grew older, our perception of life and love becomes more profound and different, it was no longer something we see as only happiness but also a fleeting moment and a painful experience.

Thats what it always had been with you and Hanni, it was a fleeting love and a painful end.

As you both gradually grew old and matured, everything changed.

She became more ambitious of her life and focused on everything but you.

And of course it always led to many arguments and constant silence but in the end of the day you still loved her, alot.

It goes the same for her, she loved you too, a lot—to the point she worries so much in your life, she was worried about your future about everything that involved you—but that's what is love, right?

worry is a sign of love. It says that, even though I am okay, I am selfless enough to suffer vicariously for you. And isn't that the definition of love?

Of course it was, Hanni loved you.

Even in your dreams and aspirations she loved you.

She knew you always had a burning passion for music—it revolved around you, it was your comfort and your sanctuary.

People around you have always told you, its a diffuclt path to go through—how its an uncertain and indeterminate.

But that didnt faze you at all it only made you want to prove them wrong.

Thats what made Hanni fall for you, it was your over-burning passion for something you love.

She admired the way your eyes glistened at something you adored, just as they did when you gazed at her.

It was like that, it used to be.

Sometimes there are times, its better to give up on things that are too late. But you never did.

08.16.2020

“Yn when are you going to stop this?” She looks at you with tired eyes.

Here it goes again, the same argument.

“You already know the answer, Han” you sigh “I’m not going to give up just yet.”

“Dont you think you’ve done so much already?” She grunts “You’re just going in circles, Yn.”

“Then I’ll keep going in circles if i have to!” You raise your voice. The stress and frustration evident to the tone of your voice.

“Yn, I’m only worried about you!” She frowns “But this is getting you nowhere!”

You felt yourself scoff at her words.

“There you go again, with the same lines” you sarcastically laugh “Han, if you were really worried about me then support me instead—I’m doing what i love why wont you be happy for me?”

“I am happy for you, I was happy for you!” She pauses “But all this stupid pinning for a dream that wont even happen is making you lose yourself—you’re just chasing for something thats far out your reach, yn!”

“Stupid? Is this what you ever saw to it? Stupid?” You stood up from your chair as now you were faced at her with a frustrated look.

“I’m trying my best here and all you think of it is fucking stupid?”

And at this moment of argument, Hanni would have softened her eyes or held onto you and whispered apologies and sweet words but it seemed like it changed now.

“I didn't see it as stupid at first yn, but it's not even a certain future!”

You felt yourself lose her, she seemed so out of reach now. Before she was always there for you—now it seemed like she was against you.

“You’re just like the others!” You felt something wet hit your cheeks “Do you even love me?”

You knew she would say yes without hesitation or contradiction but the look of sadness in her eyes made your heart ache.

There was a silence.

“Do you love me, han?” You stammer.

“Yn…” a mumble

“Do you love me, han tell me!”

“I love you, yn”

There was a pause.

It was the answer you wanted but it didn’t feel right anymore.

“I love you, but this dream you want is getting nowhere and I cant love someone who’s future is uncertain.”

She avoids your gaze as you saw tears fall on the polished floor.

“I love you so much, yn” she chokes from her constant cries “but I’m leaving for university.”

You felt your whole world crash in front of you, everything was turning and drastically changing, and that made you dizzy.

“What?” You stutter “what do you mean, han?”

“Let’s break up.”

All you could do was stare back at her eyes glinting as her tears covered her vision and the light reflecting on it, yet despite the sadness and defeated look she had, she effortlessly made sadness look pretty.

“Im sorry, yn.”

You hold onto her arms as you hugged her tightly in desperation.

“We can talk about this, han—like we always do.” You pleaded “just…just dont leave me, please.”

“I have to go.”

And no matter how much you hold onto her she eventually let go of your grasped, as you felt your knees give up.

“Han, don't do this to me? You promised you wouldn’t leave me!”

She looks at you one more time with glistening eyes before going out the door—out the door where your memories together lingered, out your life, and out of the love you gave all your effort and time—a love that can't be broken just like this, yet it did.

You try to chase for her but the rain blinded her figure from you, you try to hold onto her wrist as the rain damped you.

“Han, please…I dont know what to do without you,”

“Yn, you’ve done so much already, but I cant love you anymore.”

And just like that you were left with only the loud rain and a broken heart.

Since then the love that stayed with you for her grew to become ambitious and hateful—ever since she left you. You wanted to prove her wrong.

And as you became ambitious and resentful you began to lose yourself, your old self.

You drowned yourself in your goal, you began to forget the point of the future you wanted as it was covered with flaming anger for the person you once loved.

08.16.2023

“Yn, don’t forget you have a meeting with our collaboration this afternoon,” yunjin, your manager said before leaving you alone in the studio.

You could only nod as you were too distracted with your guitar and notes.

you scribbled and grunt every time the words didn’t fit each other.

You hear a knock and despite such vague knocking you knew who it was as the sound of the door opened and footsteps go to your sitting figure.

You felt an arm wrap around your shoulders.

“Hey,” she says, and despite not looking at her, you could feel her smile from her voice.

“Hey,” i say with a grunt.

“Having a hard time?” She asked, noticing your frustration.

“Yeah.”

You sigh eventually and drop the notebook from your hands as you finally faced her.

“It’s okay, I know you can go through it, you always do” she holds your hands with so much gentle.

And you felt all the frustration that bubbled up disappear in one go as the frown that stayed in your face replaced with a warm smile.

“What will I ever do without you?” You laugh, and hug her tight, she always knew how to make you smile.

She giggled as she hugged back your embrace and her scent covered your whole body.

Minji, was a friend you could ever ask for. she pulled you up in your darkest times. You didn’t know what would happen to you now if you didn’t meet her at all.

You both held each other in silence, she broke it.

“Meetings about to start we should go” she says, her head against your shoulders.

You could only hum in agreement as you let go of her touch that lingered against your skin.

You smile as you walked together, you gaze at the vinyl’s that were hanged on the walls.

You’ve always wanted to collect vinyls ever since you were a kid, yet you couldn’t just afford one, but now that you’ve reach the future you’ve committed to, you could buy millions of it.

Despite that, you don’t. you have never bought a single one at all. It no longer had any merit to you anymore, it had no sentimental value for you.

The thought of sharing all your dreams and goals to someone hurts you, its like once you share a part of your world to them, suddenly they become a part of your world, they align both in you heart and when they leave suddenly the thoughts and goals you’ve shared to them leave too.

As you and Minji both reached the room, you felt some kind of force stop you for a moment and that didn’t go unnoticed by Minji.

“Hey,” she brushes your hands against hers “are you okay?”

that made you break free from the thoughts you could only nod back in response.

It looked unconvincing, but she didnt press further.

Minji opened the door, she went in first.

Her figure blocked the view of the room yet you could see two figures or even three.

But as every second that went it felt like time stopped and your whole world turned over.

you gradually went in the room became more clear in your view and her eyes came in view back to yours.

Suddenly it felt like the weight of the world fell back on your shoulders, the sight of her made your chest heavy and your throat grow a lump.

You didn’t know wether your mind was playing tricks with you—you wish it did but your manager proved you thoughts wrong.

“Yn, i want you to meet Ms. Pham and Ms. Marsh”

You thought maybe it was a lookalike, a different person with the same face of the girl you once loved, but her gaze and her small frown was too vivid in your mind.

All you could do was stand motionless as she stared back at you like a stranger—like no memories lingered between you.

“Yn?” Minji whispered.

You didn’t reply both your eyes and attention focused on hers.

“Yn, are you okay?” Minji repeated herself, now grasping your arms with warmth and that made you breathe again.

That didn’t go unnoticed by hanni as her eyes looked between your hand intertwined to Minji’s.

“I’m sorry,“ was the words you whisper against your breath.

“Just got a little starstruck at Ms. Marsh’s beauty,” you say the truth but also the lie, ms. Marsh is pretty, but she wasnt the reason that took away the air in your lungs, she wasnt the reason why your heart felt heavy.

The tension that once filled the room, turned into polite laughters.

But you could only give a tight lip smile, to masked the perpetual ache that enveloped your heart.

08.20.2023

Ever since that day, your past and presents were aligned and it brought so much chaos in your life.

Out all of the people in this world it had to be her that you had to collaborate with.

You were now alone in the studio as Minji and your manager went out to buy something while you stayed to focus on writing.

Few hours into your composition you heard the faint sound of the door open, you didn’t budge as you thought it was probably Minji who just arrived in the studio now.

Yet the sound of someone else’s voice contradicted that, but not just any voice, it was hers.

“Hey,” she says.

You didn’t reply, still focused on the paper you were so busy with.

“Can you hear me?” She tries to get your attention again.

“Why are you here?” Your back still facing hers.

“Am I in the wrong room?” She jokes, “I’m here for the composition for my artist collaborative song, of course.”

You felt your head boil at her remark, as you gripped tightly on your pen before getting the courage to face her.

But now, you wished you didn’t because as the moment you looked back at her, her eyes were solely on yours.

And it made your chest burn in a certain way, a way you couldn’t help but hate.

“Hey,” she says again, now more closer to you.

You couldn’t say anything back as the proximity of her body with yours took the voice out of your throat, and that was easy for hanni to read, of course it would be, she has loved you long enough to know how you act and, yet, you didn’t change at all.

“Are you okay, yn?” She pretends to be clueless.

“I’m fine.”

You, first break the stare, going back on your composition but the loud banging of your heart remained.

After that tension moment between you two, both of you just sat in silence before the others arrived. Yet, the sound of your heart banged loudly enough to cloud your thoughts.

08.31.2023

She knocked loudly on your door that night with a bottle of whiskey on her hand, her words gibberish as she tried to talk to you.

And maybe it was the liquid courage that had Hanni looking back at your orbs, making her realise all the time she spent without you was only missing you in days when her world turned all crazy and out of control.

Because, when her world was in the midst of chaos, you were her solace.

“I still love you.”

Words that felt dangerous to speak out loud, but when alcohol and a sense of longing collide together those words are like sounds that await to become music.

Hanni, knew she would regret it as she opens her eyes in a new morning, but what does she have to lose? She already had so many regrets in life, how does this one make any difference than the rest.

You.

You were her first and greatest regret. Ironic to call it great when all it’s been for hanni was pain and loss in her end.

09.01.2023

“Love, please” she whispers, as she looks at you with so much desperation and that angered you even more.

“You dont get to call me that hanni,” your hands formed a fist tightly enough to make your kunckles white.

“You left me remember?” you laughed and the sound of your laugh made Hanni’s heart ache, she used to adore the sound of your laughter but now it only made her feel small and pitiful.

“You choose to leave me, but i cant blame you for that you had your own dreams and goals its your life and im merely someone you loved.”

“I still love you,” she mumbled enough for you to hear but you ignored it.

“But its not the reason why i hate you. I hate you because you were just like the others you told me my dreams were uncertain and unrealistic you told me that i cant reach my future, you left me because you lost faith in me and that hurt me because i thought you were different.”

“Or maybe i was just someone who thought they finally found their home, someone they could always be safe around, someone they could count on when times got rough. The person who saw something in you that nobody else could. The person that cared for you more than you could possibly imagine.”

You couldn’t hold it back anymore the past that you bottled the past 3 years couldn’t hold stay inside anymore.

“Yn—“ she tries to hold onto you but you only took a step away from her.

“Han, cant you see I’m tired?”

Hanni felt her heart beat louder when she heard you say her nickname again, she missed it so much— too much that she felt her tears fall.

She wanted nothing but to hear that name again but not in this way. Not in the way she expected it.

“Yn I’m sorry,” it was the only words that fall off her lips.

“Isn’t it a little too late for that han?”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

There was a thickening silence as you gaze at her small figure, you took a glance at her trembling hands.

Whenever she was nervous or sad she’d always have shaky hands and you always used to hold it back with yours to make it stop.

If it were different you would have held it by now, you would have hugged her, you would have kissed her by now.

“I’m sorry of the last three years of pain I caused you. I never wanted that.”

“I’m sorry that of all the people it had to be you, the person who only ever wanted was to love me. I’m sorry that i was the reason that you lost your sense of self worth, I’m sorry if you felt like loving you was hard, because truth be told, you were the best thing i loved and i still love until now.”

You could only look her in the eye with so much pain, it was the words your old self would have wanted to hear, you wished to hear.

But hearing them now felt empty, to you, it went in one ear and out the other

“Han, leave,” you whispered, “please leave.”

You avoided her gaze afraid that if you did, you’ll come back crawling to her and you couldn’t bear to afford that pain again.

After a moment, you slowly opened your eyes to find that she was no longer standing there — she left.

It would have been a lie if you said you didn't have at least a piece of her still in your heart, but even if she did you couldn't bear to love her anymore, not again.

But even then the room you both once shared—you didn't touch it at all or even clean the dust that as built throughout the years that has passed when she left you.

Because you still hoped through the years she would come back, and she did. But its too late.

You walked in the room that once lingered with so much memories and with each step you took it became heavier.

You brushed off the dust that covered the wooden chair in the room.

You didn't know why you went in here when it was the very same place she left you all the arguments and constant fights in this room.

You glanced around with a heavy heart, but something attracted your eye: a box half-hidden beneath the wooden bed.

You knelt as you lifted the fairly large box out of the bed.

The box seemed so familiar, then it dawned on you, it was Hanni's memory box, she must’ve left it before she left off for university. before everything.

You were hesitant to open it but with enough courage you did it.

And as your eyes gazed inside, all your pictures were together, from the first time you called it official, from your first gig in a bar and every anniversary you had.

You felt yourself reminisce with a pang of pain against your chest.

One thing drew your attention: it was a coffee stained piece of paper folded yet crumpled like it was meant to be hidden.

You gently opened it afraid it might break at any moment.

But as you read the first line you could feel yourself get lost in the pain again.

“Dear, Yn.

I know we argue almost everyday now and i know you’re getting tired of it. I am too.

I know you’re sick of everyone that as been putting you down from what you love the most, i know it has been frustrating you.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not being the best girlfriend to you lately—i try to be but i’m going through my own hardships myself and i dont want my feelings to burst on you.

I know I’ve said so many hurtful words to you that i didn’t mean. I know you think i hate you at the moment and i know you don’t feel my love at this time.

But, I want you to know that despite our disagreements, my love for you remains unwavering and unconditional.

i know that lately, I've been falling short of the person i promised i'd become, the person you deserve.

Yn i see how much you're struggling, how much you're hurting, and it crushes me.

but i cant do anything because the truth is i don't know how anymore.

Yn, don't give up on us. don't let go.

I swear from now on, love. I promise to be more patient, understanding. I will strive to listen to your dreams and aspirations with an open heart, knowing that they are an integral part of who you are.

Please remember, that I am here for you, and I will always be your biggest supporter.

I want you to know. I need you to know, that you're always going to be the greatest love of my life.

I love you more than my life.

whatever happens in the future, I hope you reach the future you’ve always wanted, regardless of your challenges.

I know you're not the kind to give up just yet, and that's what makes me love you endlessly and tirelessly; don't ever allow anyone, even me, to stop you from doing what you genuinely love.

I love you so much.

Yours forever,

Han.”

You felt the tears that once masked your face fall onto the crumpled paper grasped within your quivering hands.

Suddenly it felt harder to breathe as you read the letter over and over again, it just didnt feel right.

You crouched down with all your effort, holding onto a vinyl that had become dusty after being there for so long.

It was your favorite song.

She got you the record you'd always wanted as an apology.

Your legs eventually gave into the trembling and you fell to the floor, your exhausted sobbing echoing the empty room that was once filled with so much memories.

Your mind became inundated with numerous thoughts, and the pain you experienced was more intense than the day she broke your heart.

It was ironic. So ironic that she was the one to let go first.

The tears that ran down your face didn't stop, they couldn't, and you had no control over them as your breath was stolen away from you.

You would have been okay that day, everything would have been still alright but you know too well it wouldn’t because dreams reach farther than love could.

And the love you once knew could never be worth so much.

[redr0sewrites]

Overworking (Eris Vanserra x reader)

i love eris hes so underrated! this is incredibly self indulgent, but not very well proofread 😭 i havent written for acotar yet, lmk what u think! reqs are open!!

🥀CW: Angst to fluff, shitty writing, eris is sad, arguments, overworking

eris knew pain. his whole life, eris had suffered at the hands of his father and brothers and he never expected it to end, never dared to hope for anything good, knowing it could so easily be stripped away. nobody could care for a man as broken and horrid as eris vanserra, especially not someone as perfect as you.

you were eris' salvation, his perfect companion, mate, and lover. eris knew you were more precious then anyone or anything else, and many nights had been lost to his anxieties about your safety. if he lost you, he knew that he couldn't handle it, and yet it seemed so easy for you to slip through his fingers, disappear like so many other people in his life had. eris had watched the light inside his own mother fade as she became a soulless husk from being subjected to the horrors of his father, and he would rather die then watch the same happen to you. he wanted you safe, he wanted to push you away from the dangers of his court, and yet his heart ached for you every waking hour. you were too kind, too good for him.

the long hours of working under his father were beginning to break eris, even he was finding it difficult to hide behind the mask of the sneering and cruel son. the bags under his eyes were heavy, and he couldn't remember the last time he had slept. his stomach was nearly always empty, the thought of eating only made him feel worse. it was killing you to watch eris tear himself apart, and yet whenever you brought it up it always seemed to lead to eris lashing out. tonight was another night of waiting for him to join you in bed, staring at the illuminated crack between the door seperating your shared bedroom from his office. as the time ticked by, you just couldn't take it anymore, and stood, marching up to the door and opening it harshly. eris was sitting hunched over at his desk, his hair falling lazily across his face as he looked over some papers.

"we need to talk," you said sternly, his figure unmoving and stiff.

"can it wait?" he sighed, exasperated and clearly irritated at your interrupting of his work.

"no! no it cant wait! you have been overworking yourself for weeks, months even! i dont know whats gotten into you, but you need to stop, we need to talk about this! losing sleep and refusing to eat is not going to help you defeat your father, and if something or someone is causing an issue, then we should discuss it together!" you couldnt stop the words from tumbling out of your mouth, and your voice grew gradually louder before it came to a stop. you expected a reaction, expected him to stop his work or at least look at you. instead, he merely sighed, burying his head in his hands.

"this isnt easy for me either," he said, his voice dangerously soft. "perhaps if you werent always interrupting me, you would understand how difficult this is."

"so is that what i am? an interruption and nothing more? a nuisance for you to sway away?" you were angry now, and your words were heated and meant to hurt. eris' face shot up, and you could see the torment in his eyes.

"i.. i dont..." eris trailed off, leaving you feeling even worse then before. angry tears welled in your eyes, and you turn away to leave when his voice stops you.

"there are so many dangers that reside in this court, so many dangers that come with facing off with my father. i dont know how to solve these problems, i dont know how to keep you safe, i dont know anything anymore." his voice trembled, and his shoulders start to shake and shiver. too late, you realized he was crying. immediately you stepped towards him, swerving around the desk and wrapping your arms around him. eris buried his head in your chest, melting into your embrace and began to sob.

"please... please dont leave me. i cant lose you too" his words made your heart break, and you hugged him impossibly tighter and he did the same, as though fearful that yoh might disappear before his eyes if he were to let go. you whispered soft, sweet nothings to your lover as he wept, the stress and burdens of the past month leaving his mouth in garbled complaints, gasps, and sobs. you ran your hands through his hair, gently holding him as his crying began to subside and he stilled in your arms. for a few seconds, you both just sat there as he matched his breathing to yours, finding peace within your presence.

"do you want to talk about it?" you ask, voice gentle and concerned.

"not right now," he mumbled. "i jus' want to sleep." you chuckle at his confession, and begin to stand. he follows you to the bedroom, and the two of you curl up on the bed. as the both of you begin to drift off to sleep, eris cant help but feel a surge of gratitude for your kindness and patience. eris may know suffering, and he may face more in the future, but at least he has you at his side to support him.

rahh this sucks so bad but i love him sm. hes so silly and underrated aksnksd i love my little fox man. i promise i can write better then this im just tired and in pain guys ajdjdn ANYWAYS HOPE U ENJOYED REQS ARE OPEN I WILL WRITE MORE FOR ERIS THE LOML SOON👹👹👹

[jackmanbj]

is that ight?

an: hi guys! im back hopefully for long and just wanna say that this is something that didnt take me long to write because i wanted it to be kinda short for my little return!🤭

summary: jack is ranting to you about his problems and your trying your best to help him not wanting him to give up on anything.

jack had just got home from the studio, his eyes were baggy and his hair was messy.

you were sitting on the sofa waiting for jack, even though it was two in the morning.

“jack hun you look tired…”

“just a little, lets go to bed” jack didnt wait for a response and he started walking upstairs and heading to the bedroom while you followed behind

at first, jack didnt even bother taking off his clothes, being to tired to even more after he sat on the bed “jack hun.. i know you’re tired but you need to undress” you say taking off his jacket

jack groans but eventually start undressing, he keeps on his wife-beater and boxers on and lays down

you pull him on top of you, his head resting on your chest as you scratch his scalp lightly

—

the next morning when you woke up, jack was already getting ready to go to the studio

“jack.. your overworked, stay home”

“i cant—im on a high right now! my new song just got higher then first class, everyone’s still expecting me to make new music and i cant take any days off, not right now at least maybe in a few weeks”

“jack you need a break..” “well i want to be able to spoil you and i cant do that if i keep taking breaks” “keep taking breaks? baby.. this would be your first break in four weeks.. sit down” you say patting the bed as you sit up

“why do you feel like that?”

no airports and no flights thats how i wanna live my life, is that ight?

“i—i dont even know.. i just feel like i need to work or everything i have is gonna come crashing down.. like everything i worked for is gonna fall apart, i dont even care about all the cars, and the jewelry.. but i want just a little but even with just a little i feel like im wasting so much”

no sport cars and no ice, okay maybe a little ice, we all got a lil’ vice

“jack hun.. you can want everything in the world and you can get it if you can afford it—wanting something and getting it doesn’t mean that your overdoing it, you see people with seven cars but they can get them because they like them, not because they want to have fame for it”

“but i feel like sometimes its to much, and theres even more to it.. sometimes i hate when fans come up to me and want a whole lot of pictures, i dont mind saying hi or asking for one picture but they keep going and i also feel like me and some of the pg are falling out because of me working so much we dont talk alot…”

no selfies just say hi, im so healthy and alive 4L we them same guys equity for my dogs only time you see gang signs.

“jack not wanting people to come up to you a lot is normal it doesn’t make you a bad person and it shouldn’t make you feel bad, not everyone likes that.. and people lose friends, but if its pg dont you think you should schedule a meet up for all of you, or most of you to hang out and catch up?”

jack shifts his body, not facing you anymore “i want to, i do i wanna hang out with them and i want to stay strong with them but also i dont want to stop my working and my music for it”

im looking to change lives i already changed mine

you take his face in your hands making him face you again “jack people have to move on with there lives sometimes.. everyone cant just wait for inspiration they just have to take a chance, lots of people are impatient and want you to release music or your opinion or what you think when they want it..”

the times not stop waiting for the inspiration, they say its a flaw being impatient but…

jack huffs “ok..okay ill take a break from working.. ill take a week long break and ill set boundaries with fans and ill talk to pg..”

i just want peace i dont want no smoke

[tea-and-secrets]

would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.

im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.

its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.

i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.

it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.

ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.

they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.

and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.

its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.

its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.

im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.

and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.

and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.

which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.

which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.

until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.

and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.

its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.

thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.

if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.

<3

[zeephyre]

CR3 EPISODE 98 SPOILERS

???????????? im not sure where to start or end.

lets just start with how incredibly beautiful the cast looked at the live show. and how much i enjoyed seeing both brennan and aabria present (we will get to brennan again in a second)

as far as the actual episode, i think this episode is both one of the best episodes and one of my favourite episodes. dominox's visions were brutal but it was really interesting seeing how the hells handled them. chetney and dorian seemed the most affected, and honestly chetney's was the most mindfuck-y, but the way that ashton and imogen just got to the root of the manipulation, trying to reach out to dominox.... *chefs kiss*

i loved the mystery of this episode... smth abt how creepy dominox is and bells hells going back and forth on what they should do with it/him/her. dominox manifesting as a little girl was so??? creepy but also the greatest shit ever, i found it so compelling and far scarier than the big scary demon form. something something the corruption of innocence something something

it is really fucked up to give ashton that fcg vision just after sam got back to the table... like that was just twisting the knife deeper and deeper.

we NEED to lock braius up or something, i thought fearne was the most horny poly pc with chetney but GOD he really locked tf in as soon as he took bells hells in. in all seriousness i cannot wait for more braius (in like....a fucking MONTH I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE). interested in whatever the fuck he's got going on with dorian, ashton and fearne... will need him to flirt with chetney cause we didnt get around to it.

speaking of fearne... teven saying they're bound together and expressing desire to have her join him in the hells... love toxic romance idc. also him saying he's bound to a lot of people and then fearne saying SHE IS TOO??? can y;all stop the ship wars now please how much more explicit can fearne get about being poly and not wanting or needing to CHOOSE. hell... ashton literally keeps flriting with other dudes, i.e: essek, and now braius. HERE'S HOW POLY HELLS CAN FINALLY BECOME REAL.

bells hells morality in question is always my favourite bit at the table becausse like... they're good people, i guess but really they care more about each other than other people. (and then theres orym who is just a little guy with trauma... he'll match our freak eventually)

LUDINUS APPEARANCE WAS SO INCREDIBLY INSANE LIKE HE WAS WAY TOO CASUAL ABOUT IT AND THAT WAS SO FUNNY TO ME. GOD. AM I IN LOVE WITH LUDA??? (a little yeah). tag teaming dominox with ludinus is literally the greatest shit ever i am so SO sorry keyleth i know we were supposed to kill him on sight or whatever (and they did attack him immediately) but i want to ask him my silly little questions.

i have never thought that ludinus was... wrong, idealogically, as the discourse can have us going in circles, i mostly just dont like people who murder hundreds for their own agendas. however comma i do love a motivated hot old man with religious trauma.

whatever the hell ludinus found... if it shifts bells hells' reality to the point they join him (unlikely but not totally impossible) i will lose my fucking mind. regardless i WANT ludinus to do what he said he said he wanted to do -- show exandria what the gods want BURIED.

brennan... brennan please reveal your secrets to me. please. pleas.e nwow. pleae brewnan. im begging,

anyway, is it thursday yet (AFTER TWO WEEKS GOD WTF)

[writers-wrongs]

Hey!! Could you please do yandere hc's for Arkham Scarecrow x male reader? God I love me a man with a rotting burlap face 🖤🖤🖤

as do i. tbh, when i was playing arkham knight, id sometimes die on purpose just to see his little taunt thing :P

yandere!arkham!scarecrow x male!reader

-fuck it, im making you crazy. you meet him in arkham asylum, after wandering into his lab once you get out of your cell

-he honestly doesnt have any interest in testing on you, as most people in arkham all fear the same thing: batman. but youre not disruptive, so he supposes you can stay in his lab

-you start asking questions about his toxin, and while he doesnt show it, he really appreciates it. most people dont care about the science behind his work, they just want to weaponize the effects, so its nice to have someone curious about the work hes done

-eventually, he has to go do the "screw with batman and get bodied by croc" thing, so he leaves you behind. and then you dont see him for a long while

-ill be real, i havent played arkham city yet, so we're just gonna skip to arkham knight.

-its just before the attack is launched on gotham, and youre just doing your thing in the city when you get kidnapped. once the sack is finally taken off your head, youre at ace chemicals face-to-face with scarecrow (whos looking a lot worse for wear)

-"ah, there you are. ive finally found you, my little inmate."

-he explains that youve stuck in his mind since that one time you met and he couldnt get you out no matter how hard he tried. he gets fixated on things very easily, you see, and he hasnt been this obsessed with something since he first discovered the wonders of fear. so hes going to keep you secure at his side, whether you like it or not

-if youre ok with this (whether you actually like him or if you just want the safety from all the destruction), hes incredibly doting. whenever hes sitting, youre snuggled up on his lap. whenever he has to go out and leave you, hes got the nicest room he can find in a chemical plant ready for you, with multiple guards keeping you secure. as he works, he talks to you, trying to get all the information he can about you

-if youre not accepting of this arrangement, hes going to be more than a little pissed. you dare deny his protection? why shouldnt he just throw you back out into gotham and let the cloudburst consume you? he wont do that, hes far too invested to let you lose yourself like that, but he might just give you a dose of toxin. and another dose. and another. as many doses as it takes for you to start clinging to him for comfort

-hes not super physically affectionate (mostly bc i headcanon him with chronic pain after the croc incident), but he does love to hold you. seeing you secure in his arms, unable to leave unless he lets you... he loves the feeling of control. as for kisses... he cant do much in that department, since he doesnt really have lips anymore. but occasionally he'll sort of bump his mouth on you, which gets the point across