#i dont want to lose or gain any weight i think that will fuck me up

[animutate]

i feel bad that im actually eating throughout the day now that its summer instead of not eating before school or at school and feeling light headed all day then eating something at 3pm when i get home and falling asleep like i fucked up a routine i feel like im eating too much.

[sk3l3t0n1n]

i hate myself so fucking much

[greenflamedwriter]

I'm the protagonist, bitch!

What if SY transmigrated as Luo Binghe and had to go through the main trials and abuse under the scum villain Shen Qingqiu?

And in typical SY fashion, ends up deluding himself and no longer cares what Sqq is doing? Since Luo Binghe knows he's going to go into literal hell everything sqq does seem tame in comparison? He starts thinking "If being whipped is making me cry...how will I be when I lose a limb in the abyss!?"

Then he starts seeing this as inpromptu training, he gives SQQ the peerless cucumber roast of a lifetime JUST to get more punishment! He has to get stronger!

And of course in true Scum villain fashion, SQQ backs off and starts treating LBH as a disciple and just ignores him.

This is grossley unfair!

Shen Yuan AS Luo Binghe.

 So SY transmigrates as Luo Binghe and already doesnt feel comfortable as a grown ass man taking wives who were mostly Binghes age with the occasional milf thrown in there. So he decides fuck it, he’ll get stronger deal with he abyss when he gets to it and at first wanted revenge on SQQ then decided it was too much hassle. He just wanted to be left alone. But the scum villain keeps bothering him, and actually seems to like him- why? What changed!? The hell!?

-SY transmigrates as Luo Binghe.

Has the horror that as the protagonist his lufe is a living hell, continous tortourous chores, being whipped and beaten for the tiniest offense how will a millenial survive!

[Welcome Host you can you up! As the protagonist you are the workds child and no lasting harm will befall you-]

“Yeah but I’ll still be harmed.”

[An over powered protagnosit at the start if his journey is too unrealistic.

 Tasks for hosts are;

Create a harem.

Fall into the endless abyss.

Take revenge on Shen Qingqiu.

Merge the realms!]

“I dont want to do any if that!”

[System has heard users complaints and sees that Host will only do one scenario!]

Oh thank god

[System has taken the liberty of choosing the task- endless abyss arc!]

You fuck!

-SY stole a manual. If he wanted to survive the abyss he had to be stronger. Having an unstable core will do him no favours…

So far he was able to keep his head down but realised something. When he first transmigrated the first thing that happened he was beaten. And it hurt.

Then he was whipped and it hurt but…

Luo Binghe was going into the abyss- even with his demon blood awakened he would face a ton of horrors and so much pain his own arm ripped of.

“A-lou? You look pale,” His shiejie spoke placing a hand over his head.

 If he wanted to survive he would have to build up his pain tolerence…

Steadying his rabid heartbeat Luo Binghe smiled.

“This one is fine.”

He purposfully acts out, and tried not to cry- it was just intimidating okay! That he was being whipped while his Shizun supervised-

Did Shen Qjngqiu really have to sit there and watch the sadistic fuck!

Even so, he built himself up stronger.

He accidently proposed to Ming fan that he had no intention of seeing Ning Yinying that way as she was like a sister.

But seeing a man bully someone they percoeved as their little brother how would you react? If Ming Fan acted kind to Binghe he could also hang oht with Ning Yingying.

 “You can have one on one time with Ning Yingying, she’ll be happy that we’re getting along.”

“You just want me to help with your chores-“

“Of course not. This one will do extra and Ning Yingying likes to talk or gets bored easily you can stop and play with her instead.”

And just like that he matchmaked the two, and had all the wood chopping to himself.

It was frustrating coming from a modern eorld you’d think he knew hie to get stronger.

But that was all er-ge. He knew the difference between working out and only looking like a model but was weak and unfit. Meanwhile people who gained weight and looked bigger were often stronger.

Even so, Luo Binghe used the kitchens to his advantage while eating he would study and in his own time would train even dyring the night.

 And if he felt tired he would purposfully sleep in during his Shizuns lessons.

Extra points for snowing loudly.

Of course he rejoiced in the day he no longer felt pain on his back. He even told Shen Qingqiu himself that what point was the punishment if he now felt nothing?

So now he had to sit on pins, hanging off the mountain and not fall to his death because his arms got tired.

 Even so it’d make him stronger.

“Ah binghe can you take this to Peak Lord Shen?”

He blinked then stared at the food. 

And he suddenly had a wicked idea.

He may not want revenge kn his scumbag shizun, even though he deserved it. Lucky for him he was so lazy!

 But this would be the most sweetest revenge.

He decided to take the food up for Shen Qingqiu passing it to Mong Fan.

 “What are you doing with Shizuns food?”

“I was already in the kitchen, while the cooks told me to bring it.”

Ming Fan looked suspicious and Luo Binghe held the urge to roll his eyes.

“You can taste test it if you eant although, Shizun wont be pleased by the delay.”

To be fair, Shizun never ate. He never slept either. The only time he oerked was when he went doen the mountain. He sure had an addiction.

Luo Binghe almost said nothing then remembered he needed to get in trouble and punished!

 “Visiting the brothel, again, Shizun?”

The other gaped at his audacity, to be fair, Shen Qingqiu could kick him of the mountain, but after reassuring with the system that would never happen.

 Shen Qingqiu paused and only glanced back, cold eyes sneering down at Luo Binghe.

 Luo Binghe shivered, he sure was the scum villain alright, so scary!

Such a waste of good looks too.

 “Luo Binghe to the wood shed.”

He bowed, “Yes, Shizun.”

Unknwowing that to others he was practically going whth a slring in his step.

“Why do you rebel against your master so? Are you a glutton for punishment?”

Luo Binghe was forced to kneel before Shen Qingqiu, his legs bloodied and skin torn.

 The original goods would’ve broken Shen Qingqius legs for that.

But kneoing he may lose a leg in the endless abyss he was fine with it.

 “This disciple has nothing but respect for Shen Qjngqiu.”

Hah as if! He wished for nothing but Shen Qingqius castration!

 “This disciple is aware how…behind he is compared to everybody else and only wishes to be stronger. After being whipped to the point of no linger feeling pain?”

He missed the wide eyes of Shen Qjngqiu as he kept speaking.

 “This disciple knows many more trails are to come and this one has to be stronger to face them. So far the punishments have given this Binghe so much thatvhe can’t hope to ever repay. But as the years passed noticed less punishments…”

It was strange usually this was when Qjngqiu got worse.

“This Binghe never wanted to lose all that progress and so…to continue this disciple had to…escalate such things to get what I wanted.”

When he glanced up he blanched, he’d never seen Shen Qingqiu look so enraged!

Luo Binghe realised what he said then bowed, face red in shame.

“This disciple apologises! He should have spoken with Shizun first! And never went about his own training in such a way! This disciple was wrong!”

“Oh, so now you understand?”

Easy for you! Binghe was focused on survivng the abyss! Not your ego! 

 “It seems this Shizun was rewarding such behaviour. Are you truly a masochist?”

Shen Qingqiu used his foot to raise Luo Binghes chin from the floor!

Luo Binghe kept hos face impassive the only thing giving him away was a small twitch.

 He did not want that type of attention from his scumbag Shizun! God damn it!

“N-no Shizun this lowly one only wanted-“

The foot moved, and before Binghe could even relax, Shen Qingqiu rose as he stepped on his head pushing him intk the floor, Luo Binghe turned his nose just in time befkre it made contact.

He grunted, unable to move. Only riding it out until his scum Shizun got it out of his system. But this sucked.

 “What a degenrate beast, thinking he can take advantage of his Shizun. You don’t care aboht getting stronger only using that as an axcuse to get away with being disrespectful.”

Luo Binghe opened his mouth then closed it, to be fair…Luo Binghe did enjoy being able to clap back and roast Shen Qingqiu and even being beaten bloody and blue he thought-

Worth it!

Shen Qingqiu noticed then pushed his foot down harder.

Luo Binghe scowled.

 “With this type of punishment sometimes wonder werher you get off on this, Shizun.”

Shen Qingqiu paused, “What did you say?”

“Visiting all those brothels, and favouring Ning Yingying so, what if sineone where to walk in right now and see this, wouldn’t they jump to conclusions?”

Shen Qingqiu gripped his fan- ha a reaction! Even the original goods had never made him break his fan!

Luo Binghe wanted a record, lips twitching.

 “Whose the degenerate now? Pervert Shizun.” 

 Shen Qingqiu grabbed his hair yanking it back then slammed him into the floor.

 It was too quick to hurt.

All Luo Binghe knew was the blood pouring down his nose all over Shizuns lamenated flooring.

 “Clean yourself up. Then come back and clean this mess and if this stains this master will,”

Luo Binghe looked up at him tiredly, raisng an eyebrow.

 He’ll what? Beat him, burn him?

Kill him?

Ha! he can try he’s the motherfucking protagonist!

 Shen Qingqiu paused, eyes narrowing and Luo Binghe had to inwardly cackle.

Ha he did it! He broke Shen Qingqiu!

 Who knew his tried and true method of pissing of trolls online was apathy and not caring! Peerless cucumber for the win!

 Luo Binghe bowed, “if that’ll be all Shizun, this Binghe will return to clean his mess.”

That you made, he left unsaid.

After that things went…wrong.

Shen Qingqiu ignored him.

No one bullied him, no one hit him. Even when Luo Binghe poured tea all over Shen Qingqius head, it was scalding hot too!

He wasn’t punished.

No. No. No. no-

 The endless abyss was only a year away! 

And are you freaking kidding me! What wanting to get punished made Shen Qingqiu finally act like a decent Shizun!?

That asshole.

Whenever he saw him Luo Binghe couldn’t help but glare his scowl darkening and saw the smug bastards smirk.

 It was awful, Luo Binghe was so used to being on the attack and on guard.

So now he jumped at the slighest sound, thank god no one was there to see him flinch away from a bunny!

And his workload was depleted! He barely had any chores and suddenly realised he had so much free time!

Damn that scumbag!

 Its funny, the lriginal goods would give his left leg to be treated this way…as an actual disciple of Qing Jing Peak and yet…

 It felt wrong. Luo Binghe was completely thrown off it almost affected his appetite!

…

Wait.

Luo Binghe paused, the endless abyss was a matter of survival.

He was going to have to get used to not drinking water or finding food as well as fighting.

 Luo Binghe, who was going through the motions as he sparred with the rest of the disciples, going through the qing jing peak forms-

He never did before, too busy doing chores to never realise his manual was fake.

…he could’ve went to Mu Qingfang but knew his meridians were healthy and could easily be called a liar.

So he instead left two manuals on Shen Qingqius desk and wrote in the best caligraphy to ever grace the earth;

“I know this is a fake asshole.”

Of course Luo Binghes writing was awful in lessons! But now that Shen Qingqiu was no longer punishing him. Luo Binghe didnt hold back or doodle anymore.

Instead writing as many pages as he could neatly and was done befkre the glass.

The only irritation when Shen Qingqiu realised was a slight eye twitch.

 As well as other lessons, easily able to create the object they were supposed to paint before Shen Qingqiu could even critisice him Luo Binghe beat him to it.

 “The perspective is off and the bounce light is coming from the wrong direction. This disciple apologises for wasting paint.” He spoke in a bored tone.

The other disciples whose work was way worse felt themselves drop in shame.

If Luo Binghes was bad how in the fuck where they going to compete!?

 With all this three time, he decided to spend every moment in the library and study demonic beasts.

His memory was good and he of course knew every single weakness how cluld he not? The monsters were the only redemable thing in PIDW.

Poor Binghe he deserved better!

 He could train with Liu Qingge? Maybe say hey my Shizun is better than you and I can prove it fight me!

 Huh thats a plan. 

But the fact that Liu Qingge was alive was weird, after asking around it turns out Shang Qinghua had something to do with that…

 It was strange- but he didnt have time for that he had to focus! And being hungry was really making it hard.

Even so better doing this now in an enviroment where the wkrst thing that can happen is him collapsing.

Other than the abyss where he might end up dying.

 His head was splitting, he could barely sleep because of the pain.

  There had to be good spots in the abyss for water but airplane skipped it!

Oh no the porn was more improtant than survival! Dumb fuck!

Even so, he had to be lerfect in class, as well as remain consistent in his spars and able to face off against disciples.

And he was doing great! He wasnt hungry as much he could still fight okay the headaches he had grown used to so its fine!

 If he couldn’t fight hand to hand with a freakin disciple then how the fuck was he going to last one day in the abyss!

What Luo Binghe didnt know was he was the world child and the abyss wouldn’t be so bad in the sense it was supposed to make him stronger.

In the original story, Luo Binghe only clawed his way out for his hatred for Shen Qingqiu.

The system was very aware that this Luo Binghe…had no ambition.

 With nothing to keep him motivated, Luo Binghe may give up and so the system had no choice but to make the abyss easier.

Although technically it wasn’t unlike the original goods who was tossed in unprepared, terrible base, and ignorant.

This Luo Binghe has been training so of course it was going to be easier.

 But seriously host was damaging himself!

Luo Binghe, was panting harshly, his hands weak.

 He had to pace himself.

He knew his stomach would shrink if he stopped eating, he couldnt over indulge or he might hurt hinself or his stkmach might explode.

He had to get used to smaller bites.

 And learn how to ration food.

It got to the point where even Shen Qingqius food which used to smell heavenly just smelled.

It was still good. But he didnt want to eat it.

He knew logically his food tasted good, he just didnt care for it.

 When he delivered placing it down before his Shizun.

 Remebering the time Shizun found out his meals were cooked by Binghe! Was pricless he looked like he could cough up blood! 

The truth cane out when Binghes hands were injured, and of course he couldn’t train so he bawled telling Shizun not his hands how will he cook for him!?

 Thats when Shen Qjngqiu found out, and he had the most darkest mood ever.

The disciples of course took it out on Binghe, then he remembered oh yeah, Luo Binghe lost a limb in the abyss! Ergo more training!

So he was able to dodge and fight his way out with just his legs!

The fact that he was in a tree when Shen Qingqiu found him, with a ton of disciples tormening him he almkst laughed at Shen Qingqius face!

 Oh if only he still had a cellphone.

Ah if only his hands could work and take one too!

Instead Luo Binghe decided to paint Shen Qingqiu and it had to be his best work yet!

He had to admit it was the only healthy way to get the aggresion out his system. 

Art was therapytic no matter what Qingqiu said!

 And his woodshed was…covered.

On one hand he wanted to hide them, on the other?

He wanted someone to see and get pissed and punish him for it.

Now, Luo Binghe thought bored, he never gets punished. He was starting to miss it.

 doodling another Shen Qingqiu, his fault for being so handsome!

He drew Ming fan occasionally as well as the other male disciples.

Ying shijie always pouted that he never drew her as his french girl.

But he couldn’t!

Knowing the relationship the two had, anything could trigger a romance he did t want to risk it!

Men were safer!

He just said drawing ugly people was better to learn, Ning Yingying is too lretty unfortunatly!

She flushed then decided to say nothing else.

 Even so, Ming Fan was growing into his looks, he wasnt as gokd looking as Binghe but he no longer looked like an awful mini Scum.

 Luo Binghe was so tired he found his limbs shaking.

 His clothes were too big and he kept tripping on them.

And his head was pounding.

 One foot then-

He blinked his eyes open to see a ceiling, what?

 He tried to get up until a hand grabbed his head and lushed him back down.

Luo Binghe yelped, looking up to see Shen Qingqius dark face.

What? Was he upset Binghe was still alive? Well sorry oh great and bountiful Shizun this Binghe will try harder next time!

Shen Qingqius lips twitched into a sneer.

“Luo Shizi. Please don’t try to kill yourself no matter how much you want praise from someone.”

 Luo Binghe blanched, did he say that outloud?

“Now, might want me to explain why Luo Shizi is neglecting hinself?”

Mu Qingfang asked sktging before Luo Binghe.

It was…weird seeing two peaklords staring him down…

“Um, This Binghe wanted to be prepared in case…at any point found himself somewhere with no food or water and had to survive.”

He spoke, it was a very valid fear! Anything can happen to a cultivator!

“Why would you think that would happen to you- to take such an extreme risk such as this, to prevent it?”

 Luo Binghe’s eyes flickered to Shen Qingqiu for a split second but it was enough to make Shen Qingqiu snap.

“You really believe this Lord will do that to you?”

Luo Binghe stared at him and Shen Qingqiu looked more annoyed.

“Stop looking at me like that!”

Like what? Was he pulling a face?

(He was, he always gave Shen Qingqiu that look when he thought the kfher was being fumb)

“Luo Shizu has Shen Qingqiu done something to make you act this way, has he hurt you?”

“No.”

Both spoke at the same time, Shen Qingqiu looked surprised at Luo Binghe who stared straight ahead at Mu Qingfang.

 “This Binghe, has never been harmed by Shizun. In fact this one has been spoiled! This Binghe only wants to get stronger and prove that Shizun didnt make a mistake in making me his disciple!”

Mu Qingfang melted “Oh Shizi, you don't have to prove yourself. Afterall most of the peak knows that you are a gifted young student!”

Now Luo Binghe paused, sorry what? Since when!?

 “So theres no need to push yourself. You are a growing boy! And developing an eating disorder in this stage could damage your cultivation!”

Luo Binghe blinked, well…no it won't matter to a heavenly demon.

To a human sure, maybe but he was the protagonist he would be fine!

“Shen Qingqiu, you’ll have to watch him.”

Oh sweet! Shen Qingqiu wouldn’t give a shit! As long as Luo Binghe was careful and ate a little bit he wouldn’t collapse and be more careful he should be fine!

Both noticed Luo Binghe perk, Mu Qingfang felt something ease to know how much the disciples loved their Shizun.

Meanwhile Shen Qingqiu gave the other a narrowed eyed stare on why the thought of Shen Qingqiu watching him would being him delight?

As soon as they walked back to Qing Jing Peak, Luo Binghe turned in the direction of the wood shed to continue reading his books until he choked as the back of his collar was tugged yanking him back.

 “Where do you think you’re going?”

Shen Qingqiu asked, lightly fanning his face while holding Binghe by the scruff like a misbehaving dog.

 “My…room?”

Shen Qingqiu’s eyes twitched.

“You really believe this lord is going to leave you unsupervised?”

Luo Binghe gave him that look again.

 And Shen Qingqiu’s first impulse was to slap him.

 He held back, knowing his wayward disciple probably enjoyed that!

“Since this Shizun has been so neglectful of his poor student,” 

Luo Binghe twitched, tensing up waiting for the guillotine.

What was his Shizun up to?

 “This Lord will have to personally take care of you hinself.”

Luo Binghe blinked then froze.

Shit.

Shit!

He had no idea this could happen- but to be fair he thought his Shizun would bite off his own tongue rather than pretend to be caring for someone like Binghe!

 “From now on you will be living with me in the side room at the bamboo house.”

If Shen Qingqiu wasn’t holding him Luo Binghe would’ve fell on his ass.

 What?

“Come on, what meagee things did you need at your room that you were in a hurry to get?”

Luo Bknghe grit his teeth and had to turn stiffly as he walked towards the wood shed and entered.

Shen Qingqiu stayed at the doorway not entering, and instead watching Luo Binghe gather his books and manual.

 He checked the contents making sure it wasn't another fake one the shoved it in a quirken pouch.

 He wasn't stupid or had an eating disorder for christ's sake!

 He just could be reliant on constant fokd only to die of something silly like starvation or hunger day 3 in the abyss!

 And Shen Qingqiu did not even comment on the wood shed being his room other than the dorms.

The bastard.

 “I’m ready, Shizun.”

Instead Shen Qingqiu didn't move, baring his exit while he stood on the doorway.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

 His eyes flickered to the back wall.

…that was full of his paintings and charcoal sketches of Shen Qingqiu and…others.

Okay sure after fighting Liu Qingge he had to draw him too!

 Luo Binghe didn't move.

“The disciples can use it as tinder for the fire if needed. So why move them?”

 Luo Binghe tilted his head, “And Shizun does not expect this disciple to live in the side room for the next foreseeable future this Binghe will return back to the woodshed in no time so why move them?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

Shen Qingqku snapped his fan shut and turned with a flourish of his robes.

How unfair, Binghe was still in his disciple era and can't do that yet.

 With each step he followed Shen Qingqiu to his new home, mulish expression on his face.

  The other disciples scowled darkly at him in envy.

Afterall its the first time any one other than the head disciple had been so close to the peak lord.

 Luo Binghe went straight to the side room and started tidying.

 He’ll have to sort out the linen sheets and wash them, dust, then wipe the floor, open the window for ventilation-

 He ended up washing the sheets outside and once they were dry with a tailsman he brought then back then paused to see his room was done.

Somebody had already cleaned and wiped down the floor.

The window was open allowing a nice cool breeze in the warn room.

“Ming Fan had finished your room. All you have to do is put your things away. You are under direct orders from Mu Qingfang not to over exert yourself.”

Luo Binghe scowled “Yes, Shizun.” 

It was a nightmare.

His Shizun would demand lunch and watch Luo Binghe eat then would make sure he didn't go to the bathroom to throw it up-

Like he would!

 Shen Qjngqiu even told him to stop eating when he seemed to realise it was too much for Binghes recovering stomach before even he knew.

 Even so he was monitored, made sure he slept and didn't read well into the night.

When Shen Qingqiu learned this he ended up tying Binghe in immortal binding cables and laying him in bed.

 Shen Qjngqiu was more aggrieved to learn that's why he was sleeping through his lessons.

 He couldn’t train as much, and usually Luo Binghe would act cool and aloof.

 But this was killing him.

Ming Fan was taking some sick delight out of this he knew it.

 And Luo Binghe’s temper was growing short, the immortal alliance was coming up soon and with the way this was going he was not going to survive.

 [Host! In order to complete the endless abyss arc- user has to prove he can enter the immortal alliance conference or he may be dropped from the list!]

…what?

“I- I can skil the abyss?”

[Luo Binghe must enter the abyss. Failure to do so Hkst will be ejected from his body and restored to the original one]

Luo Binghe blinked, placing a hand over his chest at the thought.

 He had to get better or he wont jump to his possible death?

What was the point?

 Luo Binghe clutched his arms, and made himself smaller in the room.

Okay. Okay he can deal with this.

The next morning, Luo Binghe felt as if he was run over by a truck.

 His emotions were all over the place… probably from his fucked up diet. 

 He glanced up at Shen Qingqiu who ate with poise.

Mu Qingfang told him it was better if Binghe ate with someone. And that someone had to be his scumbag shizun.

He really didn't understand him…you'd think he’d encourage this type of behaviour? 

 “Stop staring and eat your food, mongrel.”

What a dick.

Luo Binghe was pushing his food around and forced himself to take a bite.

“Shizun?”

“What.”

Luo Binghe stared down at his food.

“If this disciple regulated his eating habits only to then fall back into the same habits later down in the future- what would happen?”

“You would die.”

Shit-fuck!

“So this disciple should stop eating now instead-“

He was hot with a fan.

It was less painful that anything Shen Qingqiu has done to him before. It just surprised him.

 “Why prepare for something that may never happen? Why not just build your own grave then lie in it and be done with it? Theres no point wasting this masters time by making you a disciple just to watch you throw it away. You can’t be trusted, that is no longer your body. It’s mine, not one scratch, not one bruise and not one bone protruding without my say so.”

Luo Binghe scowled down at his food.

So now he cares? 

 “This one can still function as a disciple discreetly if you're worried about what others think. Contrary to popular belief I don't want to die.”

Shen Qingqiu looked unimpressed,

“Then what do you call this? Do you miss those punishments so much you would reduce yourself to self harm?”

Luo Binghe blinked, “Self harm? This is only to get stronger, now this Binghe can function without headaches after skipping meals compared to before-“

“Stop.” Shen Qingqiu really looked irritated.

“You are a cultivator, if you don't want to eat work on your core instead, so you have inedia.”

He would but Meng Mo told him if he pushes his core anymore his demonic cultivation will throw it out of balance. So far he’s been working on building that up. 

 By the systems calculations he wouldn’t be able to unlock that ability for the abyss.

To make it more angsty for the readers.

For fucks sake.

So now he was back at square one. Couldn’t train like before and had to go back to the same amount of chores as the others. Finishing quicker but befkre he could even help Shen Qingqiu would aopear like his fucking shadow and punish the ones Luo Binghe helped.

Shen Qingqiu realised he was fine with punishments but when others got hurt on his account Luo Binghe would back off!

Why!?

The original Luo Binghe would be ecstatjc to have such a kind and caring Shizun! But he had to wonder what the fuck changed!?

 Luo Binghe in PIDW did everything to get Shizuns approval but was kicked into the abyss for it! He was punished for breathing!

Now Luo Binghe would give anything to chop wood till his fingers bled or feel the burn of the whip on his back!

And it wasn’t weird he was just under stimulated! 

 He needed to do something!

So he ended up in the kitchen aggressively cooking deserts.

 And it smelled nice.

He already over cooked a ton to feed the entire peak!

He sighed after pulling out his last batch.

 May as well give them out, wouldn’t want to waste food.

“Strange how you can cook such delicious foods yet treat them so callously.”

Luo Binghe flinched, fuck me!

He didn't even hear the devil come in!

Luo Binghe glared, another thing he would’ve been punished for, and yet Shen Qingqiu only seemed amused by it.

…was his Shizun bipolar or what!?

 Luo Binghe glanced away.

“This disciple was only stress baking, I bought the ingredients myself so it's not wasting Qing Jing Peaks resources.”

 Shen Qingqiu picked up one of the steam pead flour cakes he just baked and tasted it.

 Luo Binghe waited for the verdict.

 He hoped Shen Qingqiu wasn’t going to make him eat all this food he may actually develop an ED if he did.

“Eat this.”

Luo Binghe fucking called it.

Before he could even reach for one, Shen Qingqiu pushed the food towards his mouth, Luo Binghe had to eat otherwise it would make a mess.

 Suddenly flavour exploded on his tongue.

It tasted so good, of course it was the protagonist cooking!

 He slowly chewed  then swallowed it.

 “How did it taste?”

“Good.”

What was Shen Qingqiu getting at?

“So what is the problem,”

Luo Binghe tilted his head. Was it bothering him that much that Binghe refused food?

 “Its not the taste of the food. Its the fear that I’ll grow so dependent on it and find that I suddenly cant have it.”

“But getting stronger and studying beasts, what's the point in that if you run your body into the ground.”

Luo Binghe had enough, throwing the tray of food to the side.

“Why do you suddenly care!? You whipped me because I talked back but you dont do that now- I starved in that wood shed you never cared, my back was bloody my hands mangled you did not care. So why start now? You may be fine with acting like the kind Shizun. The great Xiu ya Peak Lord Shen, but excuse me for not buying it. For waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

 So what will it be next? After this would it be sleeping? Is that going to be our new thing once this is done? How many mkre ways do you need to torture me.”

“You torture yourself. I did nothing.”

Yet.

But he will throw Luo Binghe of a cliff into the abyss to kill him.

 “You hurt yourself then blame me. You enjoyed those punishments as training, so I stopped realising it was teaching you the wrong lesson. You’re different from other disciples, stupid. To think this is how any respectable cultivator would train-“

“I’m not a cultivator.” Luo Binghe spoke tiredly, looking at Shen Qingqiu with a bored expression on his face.

 It riled Shen Qingqiu up.

“This one was an unwanted disciple, a waste. All because Ning Shiejie wanted a shidi and you wanted to win one over Liu Qingge. Because he wanted me first.”

 Shen Qingqius eyes widened and Luo Binghe looked down.

“You never wanted this disciple, and this Binghe is fine with that. But after giving me a fake cultivation manual, making me fight elder hammer with posion that could kill me. How can you blame this one for flinching waiting for a third blow?”

Shen Qingqiu looked shocked that Luo Binghe even knew that much.

He walked past, ignoring the food plans of distributing it around the peak forgotten.

 Luo Binghe sat before Shen Qingqiu. Forgetting that he had to eat with the devil.

The only thing that gets Luo Binghe through the day is karma.

Everytime something unfortunate happens to Shen Qingqiu (who had such unfortunate luck) 

 He would bare witness to it.

Being bested in a duel by Qi Qingqi. He ended up cheering her on the loudest.

 Seeing Shen Qingqiu try to practise sword fighting and making a huge hole in qing jing peak.

He acted like he did it on purpose but Luk Bknghe was fascinated by his tells and knew the man was embarrassed.

Dropping a tea kettle on his foot he even hopped up and down with a yelp.

That was the best one!

Thoughts like that got him through.

He ate mindlessly not tasting anything. And had to stop when his stomach ached. 

“Keep eating.”

Luo Binghe paused, “What?”

“Keep eating. After all this Shizun is cruel and would force poor Binghe to starve so keep eating.”

What a petty bitch.

 Luo Binghe did staring right at Shen Qingqiu and kept eating. Until his bowl was finished.

His stomach was killing him.

But he ignored it.

 Then he began to swallow more, saliva pooling in his mouth, and-

Luo Binghes eyes widened, he dropped his bowl into the floor and lunged for the bathroom, even Shen Qingqiu flinched at the breakneck speed then grimaced when he heard Luo Binghe throw up.

 Luo Binghe didnt eat the next day.

And Shen Qingqiu was begging to lose his temper.

“If you don’t eat properlly you’re not going to the immortal alliance conference!”

God dammit!

 Luo Binghe had to admit defeat.

He had half a year left, it would make it more difficult but he had no choice.

 He started slow, eating fruits out in the open after training where everyone would see.

Starting off small.

 Sharing snacks and eating them himself, and when it came to big meals, would still leave food left but not as much as before.

Its fine, when he’s in the abyss he knows what to expect.

 He faces monsters in the beginning, has to keep moving into the centre where he finally finds some springs for water, but no food. Maybe he can prepare a quirken pouch to take supplies.

After all what if water is stored in things, like plants, or trees or even rocks!

It can happen!

 If he has tools to store water, and food and make it last then thats eight out of ten problems.

 Then theres madam meiyans adventures with the succubus clan…hmm, he really wants to skip it.

Losing his first time in an abyss is not the best place, but he would need new clothes…

He had no idea while he was recovering eating, passing Mu Qingfangs bill of health.

 Everyone even peaklords praised Shen Qingqiu for being there for his disciple and helping him through somethimg so trying.

It pissed him off.

No one gave a shut ablut his eating habits, he sweats mu Qingfangs care for his own disciple than his fellow maritial sibling.

 And Shen Qingqiu knew Luo Binghe.

That look in his face when he was alone, the anxiety, and panic before settling down.

 It was refreshing. Before Luo Binghe would always show that fake smile and act friendly but underneath Shen Qjngqku knew something was wrong with the kid.

The relief when he finally showed his true colours and stopped pretending.

If its one thing, Shen Qingqiu hates its liars.

 But no, Luo Binghe may be showing signs he was okay maybe he really is over this bad habit.

 But now its when a new habit appears.

He mentioned sleeping so now Shen Qingqiu is more vigilant making sure he goes to bed on time and stops studying those demon books.

Why is Binghe even writing notes on how to defeat a monty python rhino? 

 He’s too young to be fighting that- he was given a list on what to fight in the alliance why was he studying something else!?

“Maybe he’s trying to copy you?”

Shen Qingqiu paused, lowering the tea cup from his lips.

“Excuse me?”

Mu Qingfang only looked at him cooly.

 “Its not a secret that Shen Qingqiu doesnt sleep, is a bright young man but is weak in his cultivation, and is too skinny.”

Shen Qingqiu scowled. “Thats ludicrous and untrue. He’s never went to a brothel.”

So there!

“Not yet, maybe it’ll happen in time.”

“Why would Binghe copy me?”

“Most do, to someone they respect, or idolise. Maybe wanted to understand you better.”

No. Mu Qingfang is definitely wrong at this.

“Binghe is making his own mistakes. He’s not following mine.”

Mu Qingfang hummed, “Its only a theory, unless he starts showing…signs. Maybe you might have to have the talk.”

Shen Qingqku stared then his eyes narrowed “Certainly not. That's the hallmasters job!” 

“Maybe there's a lot of things he doesn't know-“

“He had a mother. She would’ve told him.”

…

“What?”

As Luo Binghe came back ho- the bamboo house he wanted to collapse onto his bed.

 He wanted to skip dinner so bad but he had to eat now.

Like a respectful adult ugh! 

 “Binghe!”

“I have moon cakes! I’m eating moon cakes from Ning Yingying!”

He snapped back, he just got into bed! Now he had to stomp because Shizun would want him face to face.

The typical parent yelling for their kid then not answering when they respond.

 “Not that, impertinent brat. Sit.”

Luo Binghe sat. What? What could his bipolar Shizun want now?

 “If you visit brothels or make nong yingying pregnant I will castrate you,”

Whoa- what!?

Luo Binghe blinked “Shizun, this disciple must have hit his head at sparring today and didnt hear you right. Can you please repeat that?”

What the fuck?

Shen QingQiu sneered down at him.

 “Someone brought to my attention that you like to copy me.”

Luo Binghe started looking around and Shen Qingqiu scowled.

“What are you doing.”

“Looking for my fan. But I can’t seem to find it.”

As well as tge stick up my ass but thats not there either so clearly he’s not copying!

“Being a recluse, hiding away from others and assuming the worst of others and your strange relationship with food then you mentioned sleeping habits….”

Luo Binghe glanced back up, surprised.

 Even Shen Qingqiu…?

Luo Binghe glanced back down then realised where Shen Qingqiu was going with this-

“I don't need the talk!” He yelped face red. He did not-

He stood up walking away.

 “I’m not copying you- I’m not going to end up in a brothel with tons of women-!”

Although original Binghe would’ve-

That wasnt him!

He wasnt interested in a harem! Maybe find some girl settle down study beasts get a bet one.

Oh how cool would that be?

The protagonist with a giant fucking wolf as his companion?

Yeah a big heckin chihuahua. 

 Luo Binghe had to start cooking something or he was going to go nuts.

 …Shen Qingqiubeas seriously starting ti scare him.

When his diet was back to normal, his workout began again. And now he was studying arrays.

 Fucking stupid, he was.

Why didn't he think of this before? Keeping food hot or frozen to last longer.

And even have inside pockets so he wint lose his shit willy nilly!

He soent all his tike studying, and sewing and-

Bang!

Most of it exploded in his face.

“Shizun!”

“Don’t tell Shizun!”

It was an accident! It wasn’t on purpose!

But Nong Yingying snitched and now he had to go over sewing techniques and arrary work with the hallmaster again.

 And when they saw what he was trying to make they laughed. Claiming it was impossible.

Luo Binghe gree mullish, fuck you he’s the protagonist he can fucking do it!

 After hiding away from prying eyed and working on smaller fabrics was able to make a heating AND freezing charm.

He experimented with cold foods first to see if they stayed frozen in the pouch then crowed with delight that it worked!

Now to make it bigger!

 And just like that he was able to store large amounts of food in his pouch oldest at the friend newest at the back sk nothing got too spoiled.

 He was so giddy.

After making tons of pouches and even showing them off and how they worked and why they existed.

Shen Qingqiu cleared his throat.

 “Write your progress into a report. We’ll place your findings in the library with the rest.”

Huh…huh!?

“And Binghe.”

Luo Binghe stood at attention as Shen Qingqiu gazed down at him.

“You are approved to go to the immortal alliance. Do not disappoint me.”

 What oh- oh fuck YES!

-he wanted to ditch these disciples why join kf they’re going to struggle!?

Then the demons arrive! About time! Ah these were mich better to fight than the easy ones!

Even the spiders were easy!

 “Everyone! There is a snow flower that is a deterent to demons! Up this way!”

Once they were safe did Luo Binghe sigh with relief.

 At least now, its all on him.

“I’ll go find help!”

He left the disciples before they could utter a word.

Now alone all he had to do was wander aimlessly until the abyss opened.

 He was nervous, like exams, dentist, and blood tests all into one.

 He just wanted it over with. As soon as he was in the abyss the better.

 “Binghe.”

“Fu- Shizun!?” He nearly died- what the hell? 

Oh yeah, Shizun was supposed to toss him in.

 “What is Shizun doing here?”

Shen Qingqiu scowled, “Rescuing disciples such as yourself. Come on.”

Mobei-jun comes in, and Luo Binghe feels his hands shaking as he watched as Shang Qinghua was hit into a tree.

 This was wrong.

Shen Qingqiu was actually fighting a demon and telling Binghe to run?

“Hmm, what a weak cultivator.”

Shen Qingqiu growled, “You demonic spawn- this Peak Lord is the Xiu ya sword! And you will fall by my blade!”

Shizun was hurt.

Shen Qingqiu evaded the most of the ice crystals, but was pinned to a tree by a viscious one.

Shen Qingqiu may die.

Luo Binghe moved, not even aware just lunging for the ice demon with a yell, swiping his sword down.

 He’d forgotten all of his training, only using his bare hands as Mobei-jun looked at him with interest.

“Binghe- run stupid boy!”

Luo Binghe wasn’t paying attention, instead he evaded even getting slammed into the ground, almost breaking his arm he ignored it, until Mobei-jun grabbed his head.

“Hmm, human but not.”

Wait- the monty python…

Luo Binghes eyes widened as a clawed hand reached towards his face, he screamed at the pure agony in his forehead as he was dropped to the floor. 

 He clutched his skull feeling the mark of sin burn into his forehead his whole body becoming liquid fire when his demonic core burned through his meridians along side his spirtual veins.

 Luo Binghe panted, fuck he felt awful.

Mobei-jun replaced the rhino… why was it different?

“Beast.”

Luo Binghe looked up, eyes drooped and out of it. Until a sword touched his neck.

Luo Binghe stiffened, remembering where he was and what he was supposed to do.

“Shizun? Want to tell me what your doing?”

“Who are you calling Shizun, demon mutt?”

Ah back to pet names huh? Luo Binghe hummed, “This disciple is just as surprised as you.”

He glanced to the side and saw Zheng Lang destroyed.

 “Shizun, can you do this one a favour?”

“No.”

Luo Binghe shifted back, and stood up, Shen Qingqiu held his sword high, green eyes almost black with the dark scowl on his face.

 Luo Binghe took another step back, then another.

  His eyes remained on his sword, he really…wanted to take the sword with him…having a sword would be easier in the abyss now he can’t.

He missed the wide eyes look of his Shizun, missed the panic as Binghe took another step back.

 “Shizun, can you fix my sword? Say…Luo Binghe died…a human.”

Shen Qingqkus eyes widened, his sword faltering, as Luo Binghe took another step back.

 Then felt the ledge under his foot and paused.

 “This one has always trained for this…You were never a good Shizun, but this past year…” Luo Binghe turned to look down at the abyss, his chest suddenly tightening, it was terrifying, he was scared. Who wouldn’t be?

 He was procrastinating at this point, the timer ticking down.

 “I think I might miss you. Shen Qingqiu.” Luo Binghe smiled, showing all his teeth no different to how he looked before he did something to piss Shen Qingqiu off.

Then he fell, falling back into the abyss, eyes squeezed tight breathing heavily to hold in his scream.

 The rift shut with a snap.

Leaving Shen Qingqiu with his hand held out, eyes wide in shock.

 He fell to his knees, wounded, in pain…and numb.

All this time he wanted to do away with that brat, he dreamed off it-

Now?

“Shen Qingqiu!”

“Shen-Shidi!”

His eyes slid over to the broken sword…he moved and began to pick up the pieces.

 He may as well honour that brat. And do this one thing for him.

____________

Luo Binghe almost collapsed against the broken stairway, almost there.

 He lost track of time of how long he was in the abyss. He barely had time to think or feel, just respond to each attack and survive.

The only reprieve was when he found a little oasis when the system would pipe up.

 And tell him hints with b-points that he earned in the development arc Disciple days.

Luo Binghe almost slumped with relief, food and water was scarce, it was worse than Qing Jing Peak, he knew if he woke up he would be halfway down a beasts mouth.

 -gets a dog

-loses a dog

System makes him go to madam meiyan.

“You upled the difficulty on purpose!?”

[stop doing side quests and go to madam meiyan! You need new clothes and then you can get Xin Mo!]

Luo Binghe paused, Xin Mo?

“Why didn’t you say so?”

Like an autistic stuck in a closet and forgotten about, Luo Binghe was actually getting used to the abyss.

 But after the loss of Pear…

Yeah, he wanted to call him mini peerless cucumber but that was a mouthful in the abyss. But he wanted it affiliated wkth fruit and thought Pear was a good name.

 When Pear was ripped to shreds in front of him, Binghe drove off any cute baby animal that got too close.

He thought that as the protagonist- he really wanted to go home with lear, watch him get bigger and be an intimadating badass!

 The system knew he was dodging basic Luo Binghe plots and waa dojng his own thing so to give him angst it decided to make him break down.

Losing his pet, his one stability, his confirt in this wasteland. Shen Qingqiu never betrayed him, so he had to accept loss in one way or another.

It just sucked!

And so after finally trudging up to Madam Meiyan, reluctently, then felt bad because she was nice.

He told her he didnt want anything to happen in the abyss, not until he was safe.

 She patged his hand yet still helped him get new clothes.

She didnt act like the femme fatale side fling of Luo Binghe. She acted like a caring older sister.

He slumped in gratitude, and finally adorned the black and red robes.

He checked himsekf oht in the mirror lerking up. 

Now that is a protagonist!

 Complete lady killer! But not in this world!

Luo Binghe, as a reader, always thought if at any point he would have to marry?

It’d be Liu mingyan.

She was smart, strong and cool. Best girl.

 Even so Madam Meiyan was so kind, it almost made Luo Binghe cry.

 Even so, he couldn’t stay in the den long, thats just inviting disaster.

 He began his journey again, rationing his food and thankful that other than the beggining, at least food was no loner scarce and he could eat and not have to worry.

 [That could also be inedia]

Or that too!

Even so, the monsters had to get stronger thats how you level up!

And Luo Binghe wasted no time grinding he wasnt a newb!

He was going to keep fighti bf every single demon he could lay his on to get stronger.

 [Host is procastinating to avoid Xin Mo]

He was not!

…maybe- even so he needed duel cultivation to deal with it.

And he didnt want to deal with it.

So when he finally made it up the stairwell, leaning heavily on the wall and leaving blood and ichor on the pale stone,

He saw Xin Mo in tge centre of the room.

 Before he was scared, now he had to get over it.

 He beat his training, he was literally having a vacation in the abyss, after Xin Mo magbe that will no linger be a problem.

He approached extending his hand and grasped the handle.

Quiet.

Then a sudden flood of screams, intense rage and anger swarmed into him.

He grimaced falling to his knees, breathing his throat aching when he realised he was screaming too.

[Host! Soend b-points to temper Xin Mo?]

Yes yes a hundred times yes!

The screams didnt stop, but dulled down to a feint baackgfound noise.

God how did Luo Binghe deal with this.

He raised his arm and sliced downwards into an arc and a portal opened up.

Luo Binghe gazed at it like the first sunset honest delight on his face.

He didnt think it would work the first time!

 As he stepped through the portal still open he glanced at the sword and three it back into the portal.

“Yeet.”

Instead it slung back missing his neck to slam into the tree behind him.

The portal closed.

[Host and Xin Mo are bonded for life. Only destrkying Xin Mo can release its hold.]

Luo Binghe brushed a hand over his face, really?

At least that was his new goal. Destroy Xin Mo.

The system even had the nerve to make that as a bullet point on his list lf tasks.

[What else will host do now that he’s free?]

Well other than the abyss, he didnt have to do the other plot points.

 He didnt have to return to cang Qiong. Or even go to Huan Hua.

 He coukd just wander PIDW to his hearts content and fight monsters, rescue damsels, without marrying them.

It sounds like a dream-

[Warning! Character arrival! Task: defeat important character!]

Mobei-jun appeared even seeming surprised to see Luo Binghe.

What? Why? Why!?

[To fix plot holes ;)]

You tricked me!

Luo Binghe leaped back, evading Mobei-Jun attack- it was weird.

How weaker Mobei-Jun was.

He could kill him, just use Xin Mo and sate it for now…but Mobei-Jun was a loyal fighter…

And he wont be able to spar with Liu-Shishu again. As Luo Binghe kept dodging, considering expression on his face, he was unaware it kept pissing off Mobei-Jun.

“Take this seriously!”

Oh? Ah he was being rude. Compared to when he was a child, he was easily slammed into the ground.

Luo Binghes claws extended as he grabbed Mobei-Jun by the throat and slammed him into the ground.

Mobei-Jun grunted eyes wide to see Luo Binghe straddling on top of him heavenly sigil glowing with red demonic eyes looking down at Mobei-Jun like he was an interesting bug he decided to play with knstead of squish into the dirt beneith his biot.

“Do you lield and swear your loyalty to me, or should this one kill you know and save myself ghe trouble?”

Mobei-Jun swallowed eyes bright.

“This one will follow you, Junshang.”

[Congragulations! Luo Binghe is now a lord! Next task- defeat the saintess Sha Hualing to claim title as demon emporoer!]

Luo Binghe stood up leaving Mobei-Jun on the ground, onlivious to the ice kings new sexual awakening-  

And stared at the system.

“Are you telling me that I HAVE to do those plots?”

[Yes! Become a demon emporer! And also be adopted into Huan Hua! Investigate plot points! Revenge on Shen Qingqiu is optional!]

Oh?

[Merging the realms is also optional!]

Hmm.

Even so, the reason Luo Binghe merged the realms was because of paper work.

 He’ll need people, unlike the og Binghe who couldn’t trust anyone and had to hold his empire himself but also going on adventures and picking up flowers every five minutes? Garunteed his rule wouldn’t be great especially since Mobei-Jun kills his spy who also HAPPENED to be tge advisor.

 “Mobei-Jun.” He glanced over, time to start planning.

 “Not to be a pain, but this Binghe is tired. Can you be accomidating and give me a room? Prefferbly in your northern palace of course.”

Mobei-Jun looked stiff then nodded with a small bow.

“Of course Junshang.”

He opened up a portal and and was soon making his way to his new home.

Luo Binghe never liked the cold, in his former life or this one.

 But he’ll have to deal.

____

First order of buisness after dealing wkth Mobei-Juns unruly court.

 Linguang-Jun had to go.

Any infatuation Mobei-Jun had fizzled. Luo Binghe only sneered down at the blood smear of what was left of his uncle and said.

“Just some cannon fodder who didnt add to the plot, bound to backstab for further gain when given the chance.”

He had a point but still.

Then he demaded to see Shang Qinghua.

“Relax, Mobei. This lord only wants to reunite with his precious Shang-Shishu.”

Mobei-Jun kelt giving excuses, making Shamg Qinghua overworked on purpose so he would never meet their ecentric demon Lord.

Luo Binghe must have grown tired breaking Mobei-Juns hand and warning him that he was being polite but now enough was enough.

The three kf them sat at a table together, Luo Binghe spread like king, relaxed. A contrast to both Qinghua and Mobei-Jun who sat stiffly.

“So your the spy who ruined the immortal alliance and backstabbed Cang Qiong to align with demons! Never knew you had it in you Shishu!”

Shang Qinghua looked like he was going to vomit.

 Hmm, the man was always…different.

More cold. And evil.

This guy was a gerbil.

“Hmm, first order of buisness. Mobei-Jun.” Luo Binghe looked up glaring at him.

“No killing Shang Qinghua. No matter what, even if he betrays yourself or this Lord being him to me to punish, understood?”

That seemed to surprise both.

“J-Junshang? Thank you for the order on my behalf, but ks there any reaoson…to…”

Shang Qinghua lost his vouce the more Luo Binghe stared at him.

What? Whys he so scared for- he doesnt know me yet or how string I am-

[Host has a resting scary face]

That was just cruel.

“This lord…likes paperwork.” Luo Binghe spoke aving his sleeves and moving forward to pour tea.

 “Its calming, helps keep my thoughts organised. Excessive paper work, redundent paper work, incompetant paperwork is something I’d rather not do. If this lord plans on conquering the south or even plans on dessimating Huan Hua-“

Here Shang Qinghua twitched.

Other times he would’ve missed it.

But in the abyss any movement reflects so much.

“Havkng a base in the human realm and demon realm garuntess my hands will be full. Shang Qinghua is managing the northern realm as well as Cang qiong. Someone that competant will lighten the load.”

After making the tea he sliced his hand calmly watching the blood pour into the cup.

 He saw from the corner of his eye, Shang Qinghua breath hitched, his face pale.

“Here Shishu, drink. Swear your loyalty to this demon lord.”

He wondered why Luo Binghe never did this to his close subordinates in the first place.

Make sure he’d never get betrayed and reward people under his emply with healing beneifts.

Join Luo Binghe we have health care!

“Hmm, why so hesitent Shang-Shishu. You wont bettay this lord so what worry is there?”

Shang Qimghua gulped then grabbed the cup chugging it down.

Luo Binghe laced his fingers together as he gazed at Qinghua.

“Hmm? Does Shang Qinghua know something?”

Shang Qinghua was back to his pale trembling self.

 “N-no Junshang. This Qinghua knows nothing.”

…he’s lying.

Luo Binghe dropped the playful act and tilted his head.

Shang Qinghua immedietly started sweating buckets.

“Do you like reading Shang Qinghua?”

The other nodded “Y-yeah?”

Hmm.

“Theres a book this lord can’t stand, the worst literay piece ever known to man. I regret laying my eyes on such drivel. Its called Proud Immortal Demon way, has Shang Qinghua heard of it?”

It was instant, Shamg Qinghua almlst stopped breathing.

“Yes.”

Luo Binghe felt himself relax, and in turn Shang Qinghua looked like his strings were snapped.

Luo Binghe almost felt nad for him.

“Yes I didnt like that story, so I decided to change a few things in it.”

Shang Qinghua began to oerk.

And in turn Mobei-Jun began to glower-

Itvwas strange woth how a fee words he had Qinghua relaxing and leaning in closer.

 Mobei-Jun would’ve guessed it was the blood but he felt no different.

…or maybe…

No. He felt no different.

Of course when Shang Qinghua came running to him screaming he of course hid him out the way until it was junshang trucking towards them.

“Airplane!”

“Ah dont kill me!”

Mobei-Jun stood stiff “Mobei-Jun get out kf my way.”

“No killing Qinghua. Your order.”

Luo Binghe blinked then scowled at Qinghua who stuck his tongue out at him.

The killing intent was string even Mobei-Jun almlst buckled from it.

Luo Binghe scowled “Fine!”

“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve used my blood parasites dipshkt.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Hmm hmm.”

“Your inside me-“

“What? Ew why are you like this!?”

A/n:

Shen Yuan: Luo Binghe was influenced by Xin Mo it wasnt his fault.

Shen Yuan as Luo Binghe with Xin Mo: does nothing inappropriote and is a distinguished gentlemen.

-Shen Qingqiu trial

Luo Binghe wanted nothing to do with the scumbag and just let the consequences of his actions continue their course.

 As Luo Binghe was investigating the origins if his parents (since the system was adament ablut it for some reason) he didnt think his inlut mattered.

 But then  it was his reputation that came into it.

 He realised he should have….maybe…thought this through.

 “Is it true that Shen Qingqiu abused his disciples?”

 If it was one thing, Luo Binghe wanted to be fair. Shen Qingqiu never abused him, but he may have murdered Qui Haitangs brother.

But if Luo Binghe expressed nothing was wrong then the whole cultivation world will see him as a backstabbing disciple!

 Luo Binghe was also…curious, why the original goods never invaded both dreams to see what really happened. Verify the evidence so to say.

 “This Binghe has his own personal reasons to remain here at Huan Hua.”

Not to mention, Shen Qingqiu could blackmail him as being a heavenly demon.

 Luo Binghe already felt like he could t relax and retire not with this threat looming at him.

“And Shen Qingqiu has never abused me.”

Here he saw Shen Qingqius twitch, and ignored it.

 “But his past with Qui Haitang is something I am unfamiliar with.” He could tell the tide was changing against him.

 To stand aside while his Shizun was being condemned? How unfilial.

“And so this Binghe has decided to personally investigate this case as a neutral party.”

Qui Haitang looked his way-

“What!? So you can hide evidence and help your scumbag Shizun!?” She yelled and Luo Binghe spoke.

“On the contrary, a rogue cultivator claiming a Peak Lord had murdered her entire family with only servants to survive? Where are such servants why is there not more witnessed to confirm this case? This could just as easily paint you Miss Haitang in a poor light with just the right defense.”

Luo Binghe gave her his best charming look, hoping to give off friendly big brother vibes to aplease her.

“Dont worry Miss Haitang. This Binghe will only uncover the truth on what happened that night and help you find peace.”

[Congragulations! +50 Charisma points for Miss Haitang! Possible love arc begin-]

No no no- it wasnt- no! Cancel love arc CANCEL!

-uses his dreams and finds out the truth from both.

Speaks to Shen Qingqiu in the water prison.

Hunts down servants. Who are scarred and reveal the abuse of Qui Jianlou and his crimes. How they speak kindly lf Shen Qingqiu who got them out.

 How Luo Binghe accidently saved Shen Qinqqiu-

“Why help this Master? It can’t be because you want to play the part pf a loving disciple? After all,”

Shen Qinqgiu leaned close, speaking softly so others wouldn’t hear.

“This master tried to kill you three times after all.”

Luo Binghe smiled, “This Binghe knew he had bigger threats to face, after knowing the trials I had to overcome…you didn’t seem that scary all of a sudden. And this Binghe knows of worse things to come that taking revenge on my scum Shizun seems like a waste of time to me.”

After Luo Binghe removed the red immortal binding cables, tenderly holding Shen Qingqius hand and unwrapping each rope, his eyes furrowed at how thin Shen Qingqius wrists had become. Shen Qinqqiu had lost weight-

“Luo-Shizi.” Luo Binghe straightened, “ah Sect Leader Yue!” He bowed hastily.

“Apologies, this unfilial disciple never meant to disrespect Cang Qiong mountain-“

Instead the sect leader took his hands and made Luo Binghe look up, the look on his face was stra ge and made Luo Binghe uncomfortable.

And the worst thing happened.

The sect leader bowed to him!

“It was Cang Qiong who has done a great disservice to Luo Binghe.” Everyone in the room heard such a thing, Huan Hua bristled but all the lthers practically hungered for the drama.

 “That we had failed in such a way that you felt that you couldn’t return and felt undeserving. Cang Qiong doors will always be open to Luo Binghe, he doesnt have to prove his worth or fear rejection to come home.”

Oh- oh!

 He had to admit, Yue Qingyuan was similar to him, killing them with kindness. Making it seem as if they were the perfect sect family outside, and creating this humble narrative that Luo Binghe didnt deviate and spit on Cang Qiong but it was in fact a simple miscommunication!

 Then Shen Qingqiu spoke as well, “Yes. Qing Jing Peak is your home, unless Luo Binghe doesn’t want to return to the mountain that took him in?”

Oh, now everyone was watching Luo Binghe.

 But…they both could accuse him of being a demon, so why not use that instead?

Even so, both of them were looking at him expectantly, they all were.

“This Luo Binghe is grateful, and relieved to know that his worries were unnescary and that Cang Qiong still accepts me.”

Shen Qingqiu smirked, looking like he was about to win- until…

“But this Binghe is ungrateful. Huan Hua took me in after I was injured and this one wanted to repay that debt, maybe even foster good relations to both sects. And further more…This Binghe wanted to learn more about his past, the Luo River is closer to Huan Hua where I was born and wanted to learn about my past.”

 Luo Binghe gave them both beseaching looks.

“Can this one still stay at Huan Hua until I find the answers I am looking for?”

Shen Qingqiu looked annoyed, the Palace Master even inturupted.

“Yes! Why Luo Binghe was forced to find sanctuary here and never returned to Cang Qiong is a mystery! And Shen Qinqgiu! You claimed he had died at the immortal alliance!”

Shen Qinqqiu gritted his teeth, and the others became more rowdy.

 “Luo Binghe will remain here, until he feels comfortable speaking the truth and has no fear of the power and influence both of you have.”

Luo Binghe was touched this father figure was coming to his aid, but he couldn’t be more wrong, he was a demon emporer. He had a lot of power and influence.

________

“Afterall I’m the scum Shizun! And you are the victim! Always blaming me when in reality you hurt yourself,” luo Binghe paused huh?

 “What? No- never ind that.” Why was Shen Qingqiu upset anyway? “Look I’m at Huan Hua now, far away from you. And we can both pretend the other doesn't exist!” Then Luo Binghe paused.

“What are you doing taking missions so close to Huan Hua in the first place?”

Shen Qinqgiu ignored him.

 “What this master does with his own time is his own buisness.”

Okay.

Even so, Luo Binghe figured Madam Meiyan may help with Xin Mo, he can only spend so many b-points on suppressing it, but if it acted up in Huan Hua he may accidently trigger a papapa scene with one of the women and he didnt need that!

Why was it that no matter what mission and what he wanted to do, Shen Qingqiu was there!?

Always in trouble, always causing trouble, really playing the petty scum villain and being an overall pain in the neck!

Xin Mo kept telling Luo Binghe to just kill him and one of these days he may just listen to it!

 -wife plot with SQQ

 He had no idea why, Luo Binghe was on his way to another peak to investigate his mothers origins Meng Mo found a lead of a familair disciple who knew Binghes ‘mother’

Also the imposter syndrome he figured Origianal goods would lose face but this Luo Binghe was only looking into the plot, if his parents were alive he doubted they would be close, 

_____________________

And this is where I lost steam and had no idea what to write next, that LBH/sy is ignoring sqq and focusing on himself but when the others in trouble he goes "Ah well its the scum villain who cares...but I have to ask questions I'm the protagonist, and I want to ask questions about this plothole and such-" accidently uncovers Sqq past and reveals it was self-defense.

Whoops?

Now SQQ wants Luo Binghe back at Cang Qiong NOT because he cares about the little beast- it looks bad on HIM as a Peak Lord that he has some unruly disciple avoiding his peak like he's some abused little maiden running away from her husband.

Shen Qingqiu would break his fan at the thought, that little brat loved it! Shen Qingqiu has never raised a hand to the beast in years!

Luo Binghe even claims he hates him, that he's a scum Shizun and never cared so why does Binghe go out of his way to save Shen Qingqiu? instead of washing his hands of him, it doesn't make sense....

_______________________

Yeah I do want SQQ and Binghe to be end game, like SY is fascinated by SQQ as a character and has more interest in him than the women of the harem.

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[betterthanu333]

⭐️ diary June/27/24

Day 4:

Officially ended my fast of 93 hours because I ate 1 scrambled egg (no butter or oil) with seaweed and had petite baby carrots with tzatziki dip. Kinda mad at myself but my mom was on my head 24/7 today but I gained her trust tonight bc I had proof that I ate so I don’t think she’s gonna ask my about what I eat anymore. She’s been telling me that I’m gonna die if I keep starving myself (I tell her that I’m not but i am kinda 😊) and that I look deathly and my eyes and face show how I’m so thin and that why do I want to be skinner than I am, that I already am as skinny as a twig. WHICH I’m not guys istg I’m 174cm and I’m about I think 63kg or 62kg. I had kinda thick thighs (no thigh gap 💔🙏🏽) and I do have a kinda flat stomach with the most beefiest and loose fattiest upper arms. I’m tryna have that vs or at least Pilates build body.

Anyways I had a cup of green tea so flush this shit outta my body and then I’m gonna pop a melatonin to get enough sleep to wake up tmrw at sunrise to go walk/jog. Oh and today I went for only 1 walk💔 but it was like an incline and then so many fucking steep stairs I almost fainted bro wait actually that might be my fucking asthma but fuck it. Omg this hot boy in like college I think he had a beard was walking with his dad. My brother and I passed then with the incline up( the walking and stairs lead to the beach but we were leaving) and his father stopped to talk to a security man while his hot ass son was waiting AND I FEEL LIKE THAT MF SAW ME FROM AFAR & WAS LIKE HOLD ON LEMME WAIT.

So I passed him and his father was still talking with the security about how they’ve been living here for 15 years, keep in mind this place is on the hills and has an ocean view and the houses are fucking amaze balls ( rich rich bby ) anyways I passed by and I cursed at life bc we had to tackle the 1000 STAIRS, bro when I tell u I was fucking heaving, it was so embarrassing I hand to grip onto the handles and take a minute while they fricking passed me. Keep in mind my younger brother did not give 2 shits about me and I kept telling him to wait up.

Sadly I do not have the endurance nor stamina I thought I had with inclines and stairs which I need to BUILD STAMINA FOR BC THATS THE SHIT THAT TONES U AND MAKES U LOSE WEIGHT BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE READY FIR THAT WHEN I EAT ZERO shit so for the love of god if u annies have any tips on how to control ur fucking breathing or at least have energy before a workout, Which I thought I had since I ate carrots and drank half of a WTR MLN WTR drink that has electrolytes and I walked out the door thinking I was swell IH FCK I JUST REMEBERED I HAD A MATCHA WITH VANILLA SYRUP TODAY BC I WENT TO A CAFE WITH MY MOM AND SISTER but I didn’t drink it all ohhhhh myyy gooodddddd guys I fucking hate myself today I ruined my diet and for what. I’m not gonna binge though bc I built the self control for that and I need to pushed off the deep end more than this in order for me to binge.

I burned 1,745 cals today. I need to get back on my 2,000+ grind like day 2 but I walked/cardio 2 times that day which I plan on doing tmrw. I did do a blogilates and workout (the one where she wears a turquoise set) but I only burned 83 cals which isn’t much but ugh anyways.

This was an especially long diary check in so pls tell me if I need to shut the fuck a bit more and summarize my day better… also emojis are fucking cringe but I use them so u guys understand my tone 👅

Goodnight annies

[swifty-fox]

I don’t know if you want to talk about this, but I related to your tags on the post about diet culture/fatphobia. I have been doing intuitive eating for awhile now and moving away from diets, etc and I absolutely can see how it’s helped my disordered eating. But…I still desperately want to be a smaller size. I don’t feel attractive and feel anyone I’m attracted to wouldn’t be attracted to me. I feel so shallow thinking it but I keep debating trying to lose weight again because this isn’t the life I imagined for myself.

you'll find theres few things I wont yap about LOL

I've never super been into dieting. I eat a protein heavy diet because I find it easy and for a long time (not recently bc money) was doing power lifting/strength training a few times a week and needed it. And for a while I was counting calories to understand What I was eating. But I don't think I would ever claim to have had an ed. definitely lots of guilt around food but I have adhd so comfort eating is...huge.

I'm at my lightest i've been since highschool and that's through a mix of working out and some trauma but I will say I am WAY more critical of myself now than I was at my heaviest. Any hint I may have gained a pound is horrendously upsetting even when I understand its due to something like bloating or what part of my cycle I am on.

I do feel more attractive than I did as well though. I have explored my style and wardrobe and gender far more. I enjoy working out I feel Better when I work out because it gives a chemical reaction.

But i thought less about myself and my weight when I was heavier. I hadn't yet posed the question 'could I be different' But I also didnt THINK of myself as attractive so i didn't really worry about it

the nuance between weight and attraction and happiness is so. weird. it's complicated and I think I'm mostly rambling.

Everyone ive had sex with have been smaller than me. Theyve never, at least from what i can tell, been disgusted or unattracted to me for it. I don't get praised generally by the people i sleep with (or if I do its very horny) but skinny people wanna fuck non-skinny people. it happens

I don't track my weight anymore, I haven't weighed myself in a year because it wasn't what made me happy. It was lifting heavier, recovering quicker, feeling better during a set. The weight loss and the lost inches around my waist were a bonus but they became secondary. Yeah i still have moments where i look in the mirror and panic about my size but when im going to the gym and doing it consisently what i care about is smashing my PR. it just also makes me look good doing it. And i havent been to the gym in two months and i feel awful about it both physically and emotionally.

life is just. a battle idk. I guess I dont have a point to make

[daddyfuckedme]

In 2018 I was diagnosed with a chronic disease (illness? idk the difference, English is not my native language) and lost 10kg in a week. I was hospitalized and once I got back home I was so weak I couldn't open a plastic coke bottle on my own.

Before this happened I was very fit. Even if I hadn't worked out as much as I did in 2016 I was still bery fit and strong. I lost all of it. All my muscle mass just went away. I was nothing but skin and bones for months. I swore to myself that I would rather be fat than go through this again.

Well... I'm not fat, but definitely chubby now. I can't work out like before all this, I get too exhausted and insecure. I keep gaining weight no matter what I do, I've lost all control over my body. I used to be so proud of it. Now I want to hide it under layers of clothing.

The change happened so fast. I was fit and strong all up until 2018, at 21 years old. I'm 10kg over my "ideal body weight" and I can't lose any of it. I keep blaming the circumstances, I'm too paranoid to go outside even just for a walk, gyms would kill me. Besides I prefer calisthenics and going to the gym to do body weight exercise feels like a waste. But either way I get exhausted after five minutes, and then sad and frustrated. I keep thinking that if I just was able to move to a house with fewer neighbors instead of an apartment I would be at ease, I could go for walks. I used to love being outside until my oarents threw me out of their house in 2017.

I don't know what to do. I was never meant to be like this. I don't recognize the body in the mirror, it can't be me, I dont look like that.

Oh baby, first of all I am so fucking sorry this is happening to you. I like to think gyms would kill me so i only take walks as well (haha). Even talking on the phone to a good friend and pacing while you do so could be of some benefit. May i ask what your doctors have said if you came to them with this dilemma? Or if you have mentioned it at all yet. It doesn't matter what size your body is, i've gained weight too from certain medications but it's okay to love yourself and your body even if you feel you aren't at your best, nobody is judging you as hard as you judge yourself, and when you realize this people aren't as scary anymore. I love you, please be strong for your sake and mine, and feel free to come off anon anytime so we can talk more about this and happier things happening in your life. <3

[m318x2]

tw: exact bmi/weight and a massive ed rant/vent under the cut

my bmi is 14.75 as of this morning. I'm 88.7lbs. I still need to lose more though. I thought I would feel more achieved/in control at this weight but I still see room for improvement. I mean I do feel good that I got this low because I spent years trying to break into the double digits, but now that I'm here I just can't help but want to push even further, as far as my body lets me go. The logical part of my brain knows I'm not gonna feel any different at 70lbs than I do now but I still just wanna see how far I can take this before something serious happens to me.

I mean I'm already having complications, my hair has been thinning a lot since like ten/fifteen pounds ago, I'm always cold, my nails (and sometimes my legs) turn purple a lot, I'm never fully comfortable even in bed because I'm so boney, I'm pretty sure I'm weaker than I was when I was a literal child, my teeth are a lot more sensitive and tend to ache, and I NEVER feel fully alert and awake. But it doesn't feel like enough because I still binge a lot. But I just maintain and dont gain bc even when I "binge" by my standards it almost never pushes my calories past my tdee. I just restrict until I "binge" and then restrict again, which has made it so basically I maintain for a while, drop a pound or two, and repeat. But it makes me feel like a fake anorexic because I still eat, and my weight loss has been VERY SLOW this year. And I don't wanna recover if I never get to feel sick enough first. But all I can think about is if I'm really sick enough to have something more major happen to me. I feel like my ed just doesn't matter unless it nearly kills me and I think I'm at a point where recovery just won't happen unless something really horribly life threatening happens to me. And idk. I just feel like real anorexics don't binge, or if they do they purge somehow, which I don't really. I mean I always restrict after a binge but not to a degree I wouldn't do anyways. and what kind of anorexic eats this regularly? god I fucking hate myself

[trickstarbrave]

im trying to lose weight (ive been super stressed and over eating and consuming like 1000 calories a day in just sugary drinks okay) and this is like the first time ive actually sat down and tried to lose weight due to growing up skinny. so i decided to do a couple of things and see how it works out and how shitty weight loss tools are

i got a couple of apps to help log calories (i just wanna get an eyeball estimation of how much im eating im not obsessed with counting calories i just want a frame of reference of how much energy is associated with what food and protein etc etc) and so far uhhhh they have sucked. 

2 put my calorie deficit too low. i should be in the 1450 minimum and they dropped me to 1300 which doesnt sound like a lot but also would lead to less healthy weight loss and also just leaves like. no room for snacks. protein was also pretty low estimations and it constantly told me i was eating “too much protein” which is super annoying. im trying to exercise and protein keeps you fuller longer. there was no way to really customize this. if i followed this im certain id wind up feeling out of energy and like complete shit exacerbated by my physical disability. 

2 apps also categorized food as “good” “bad” and “moderation” which isnt actually helpful and just makes you feel like shit for eating. you can and should eat whatever you want just know portions, and that you’re getting all the essential nutrients. i can eat 3 bowls of plain salad a day but i might still wind up starving and low on energy the next day and i dont need guilt tripping bc i got an unhealthy snack or to get told bread is yellow and i cant go over a certain “allowance”. 

i feel like these apps and programs are in fact just gonna give you an unhealthy relationship towards food or lead to problematic eating. they encourage counting absolutely everything but also are hard to use. if you cook your own food have fun measuring/weighing everything you cook with and how much is on your plate, im sure that won’t be problematic or anything. and that was from one of the judgement free apps too like jesus. im sure daily using this must be a nightmare and you’re encouraged to buy things already logged in the system (prepackaged or take out) when you dont wanna be anal about it or be paranoid you arent making progress because you didnt get exact calculations for how much food you ate. 

i do think getting a rough estimation of how much you’re actually eating is good but this is just not it. esp bc these are marketed as “easy ways to lose weight” or weight loss systems. they dont actually inspire heathier eating habits, allow customization, or anything. if you didn’t know about other macro calculations, proper caloric deficits, resting metabolic rate, and that too high of a deficit can cause you to retain or even gain weight back (because starvation is bad actually) you would probably just listen to their wack ass calculations with little wiggle room and moral judgements on if a food is good or not and feel like shit.

if you have any bad relationship with food or anything close to an ED i think you should never under any circumstances get these apps they will probably fuck with your head and honestly arent that helpful. at best they have been a pain in the ass and inaccurate and at worst have tried to make me feel like shit for having a soda and a fruit roll up like an hour after a work out and when im having brain fog

[forgetmenotsforever]

this is ruining my life

i think my eating disorder is fucking me up again. every time i relapse it makes me feel good but only for the first few days before it starts ruining the things i like like going out with friends. i dont wanna see my friends anymore bc i feel and look like shit.

the bags under my eyes are so fucking awful, i look so tired again. i am tired. my bones ache and its like theres this big hole in my stomach that no amount of food can fill. some days i feel like i could devour food endlessly, and other days i cant even bear to think of having a complete meal. i am so tired of this cycle. the only good thing is that i havent been binging. just starving for the most part. so at least im not gaining weight.

im not losing any though either. my body is shit and it barely even functions properly anymore after everything ive put it through (i.e. failed overdose attempt that damaged my liver due to iron poisoning, and on and off eating disorders since i was 12.). i just want to start over. i want my body back. i dont know what this sad disgusting piece of flesh is that i am stuck with.

[achilles-the-boy-of-gold]

Trigger warning: body image, eating disorder, rant, etc.

God. Why can't I just hold weight in a normal way. Why the hell do I have tiny arms, no tits, no ass, but a huge fucking gut??? I don't understand. People always say that your boobs are always the first weight people lose when they have an earing disorder, and the first weight you gain when you gain weight, but for me I've always had tiny fucking tits for no reason. I have absolutely no fat in the places I want, or even spread out(because I think chubby and/or fat girls are hot) but no. I look like a 40 year old man with a beer gut. I don't understand why I can't just get fat everywhere instead of all in one place. I can't wear anything skintight because I just look fucking weird with a random stomach. All the people online with ana complain about their thighs and asses and arms and everything, but I wouldn't mind any of that. But no. I look weird for no reason. No one else in my family looks like this. I'm just fucking fat and stupid and I hate it and why can't I lose weight without feeling bad physically, and I can't gain weight without feeling bad mentally. I'm just stuck in a cycle and I dont know who to talk to because the 2 people I trust have trauma surrounding eating disorders and I'm not bad enough right now to bring it up to them. I hate myself so much.

[amalgamationillustration]

Today is a big ADHD shame day. Either my meds aren't working any more or I've somehow fucked up my life whilst on them. I'm pretty sure they're not working and I have an appointment in just over a month but god today I feel like shit.

I've gained back most of the weight I lost and I'm not in shape any more even though I felt amazing with how consistent I was with exercising. My joints and asthma are shit now again and it's literally my fault. The worst part is I'm not even that overweight but it just doesn't take much for my body to feel the struggle of it. It also sucks because really to be and maintain the weight I felt the best at I'd only need to cut like 200 calories max a day, but I just can't consistently maintain actually logging my food without getting bored, forgetting or realising I'm over so there's no point doing the rest that day. I dont then proceed to overeat after that but I just think eugh its gonna make me feel bad and some days it's unavoidable especially when I have such a small margin for deficit. Because I'm not super overweight, a big deficit isn't reasonable or realistic so I'm not going to start cutting back insane amounts, but weirdly its harder to just lose a smaller amount than it was when I was bigger.

I also feel like I'm bad at friendships and I've had one recently that's devolved because we just have different communication styles, I communicate too much and too often and she communicated less frequently and less consistently and so I always end up annoying her with my hyperactivity and she annoys me when she asks me to be less which is so hard when I have 0 self control skills, especially when my meds are out of action seemingly.

With my other friendships I've always struggled with making myself overly available for people and finding they then rely on that and start only really talking to me to tell me bad news or to complain and they actively disengage when I'm happy or successful at something. And I'm trying to avoid repeating the same patterns but it's hard to push people away when I know I can be there but in doing so I don't notice when its suddenly become all encompassing. I also struggle with friends not living near, not replying to messages cause they also have ADHD, not committing to hang outs which makes me stop trying. I have dreams about friends I've lost touch with because they're otherwise occupied with other friends or other things and I just feel like I fall so far down the priority list for some people that I'd list much higher.

The only reason my spending isn't out of control is because I cleared my debt and closed my credit accounts, if I hadn't I'd have already dipped back into them and I'm having to actively fight myself not to take out new lines of credit just to get dopamine purchases.

I'm just so eughh at the moment, I can't motivate myself to do anything, everything feels like it's either unrewarding work or it's something I shouldn't be engaging in because it's something I'm trying to be better at. So it's like I don't wanna get up and overeat for dopamine, and I don't want to spend money I don't have, but because I don't have any dopamine I also can't get up and do things I need to do. It's driving me fucking insane.

The worst part is knowing exactly what I need to do or should do because its what I've done when my meds work, and just still not doing it because my brain is too dopamine deprived to do something not bad for me that will give me dopamine. And if I do manage it I can't manage it for more than a few days. All I can manage is bed rot. Then I don't spend money or over eat or annoy anyone but I also don't get anything done that might help I'm so mad at myself it's so dumb and its not normally this bad. I am lucky to get an hour out of each of my meds each day, like I take short acting and it's meant to last 4 hours and I'm blessed if each one gives me an hour so I can have 3 useful hours a day, at a push.

[i-call-me-clarence]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but you sometimes posted about fibro and do you have any tips on managing it? Because ow ow ow ow

I’m so sorry you’re going through this too Dx It really sucks (huge understatement). Here’s what I’ve found that can help:

Suggestions below the cut

For Pain:

Arnicare gel is a g-d send! Rub it into where your muscle or skin hurts and it can give at least some relief! Sometimes a whole lot!

Tiger/Eagle balm can also be used for sore muscles. Try a little at first if you’re not used to it and then slather that stuff on when you know you can handle it. It gets quite hot but helps a lot.

TENS machine. For those does when your back is just a mess of pain and muscle knots. Start on the lowest setting and work your way up.

Herbal heating pads. When combined with the tens machine before or after, the heat really helps soothe those messed up muscles.

Lidocaine patches. They work soooo well! Just slap one on where it hurts and leave it for up to 12 hours (unless stated otherwise on the box) and don’t put more than three on (unless stated otherwise on the box)

Kratom. It can have some bad side effects down the road, like hair loss if you end up getting addicted and taking a lot. Just monitor your intake and try and use it sparingly. It helps incredibly with fibro pain tho, stops it dead. I take it without issue, my sister became addicted. She takes it whenever she feels dysphoria, which is at least 20 times a day so… just don’t do that. Mix half a teaspoon into water and go from there, upping the dose by half a tea spoon each time if you’re not feeling the effects. In lower doses it can act as a stimulate so if that’s happening just up the dose until you get to a pain relief level. To potentiate the effects, mix in tumeric and lime juice and maybe even cayenne pepper to really make it work.

Soft fabric for when your skin feels like it’s burned.

NO TIGHT CLOTHING! This includes socks! Make sure everything is loose, at least for when you’re flaring up. Pressure equals pain, remember that.

Someone to massage muscle knots out. Have them use lotion or a massage oil if using their hands, if using tennis balls (which work great to get the knots out) you can skip that. They need to apply at least ten seconds of pressure to loosen the knot.

Cannabis. Whether it’s the real stuff or some legal knock off where you live, this has helped more than absolutely anything. Flower tends to work best for me, but edibles can help as well. Try the different products, give tinctures a try, and see what works best for you.

For stomach pain you can chew some Benadryl to numb your stomach to allow you to eat. Start with one and work up til you reach the numbing effects you need. Do not go over four 25 mg tablets.

A cane. Sometimes walking is just going to be painful no matter what we do. Using a cane, walker, or wheelchair can help immensely. The same goes for when we’re too tired to move. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of you! Fuck ‘em! I know it’s scary and occasionally someone might accuse you of faking, but this is not about them, it’s about making it through our day causing the least amount of damage to ourselves possible.

Memory foam mattress. Spring mattresses will create pressure spots across your body. It’s not called princess and the pea syndrome for no reason.

For fatigue:

Green tea. Caffeine can increase pain sensitivity so you have to be careful with this one. Have up to five cups a day. It can also kick start your metabolism which is good for us since it can be hard to lose weight (or gain it yay paradoxes!!)

And not to be a dick but… exercise. The more we stay still the more we’re going to. An object in motion stays in motion and all that jazz. DONT OVER DO IT! Start very easy. I’d suggest Thai chi or yoga. They make them for people of all movement capabilities. Walking is also a good idea but I wouldn’t walk more than a block at first. For me walking too far can cause bad hip and knee pain. Thai chi is much easier on the body imo.

Vitamins. Sometimes we’re feeling weak because fibro just looooves to ignore nutrients in the things we eat. Taking vitamins and most importantly D-3 so you can absorb those vitamins is very important.

Rest. I just told you to exercise and now I’m telling you to rest, whaaaat? Getting enough rest is one of the most important things you can do to help with fatigue and pain. BUT NEVER DOUBLE SLEEP! The dreaded second sleep pain is horrible! If you wake up for more than 30 min I’m so sorry but stay awake for at least a few hours. If you go back to sleep when you wake up you’ll feel swollen and achey and awful! Naps can be dangerous because of this too. Learn your body and your ideal sleep cycle. Mine is six hours of sleep. Seven starts to hurt, anything beyond that and I don’t wanna get outta bed in the morning when I wake up Dx

Avoid coffee. For me at least coffee worsens pain symptoms and makes me more tired when it wears off. If you’re adamant it works for you try cutting it out for a week or two and see if you see an improvement in your symptoms. No two fibro bodies are exactly the same so it might actually work for you.

This is the experimental section:

So since people with fibro tend to sundown with their pain (pain gets worse at night) I’ve thought of trying a sun lamp to simulate sunlight at night. I have not tried this and have no idea if it will work.

Various mushrooms. I’ve tried one for pain and it helped a bit but I can remember for the life of me what it’s called. A quick google search will show you all sorts of mushrooms for pain. Chaga and lionsmane come to mind, tho I have not tried these.

In conclusion: EXPERIMENT! Try different things, try all the things! Fibro is a crappy journey we’re forced to go on, but we can find aids to help us just like with other disabilities. We just have to not give up! I would recommend keeping a pain journal and also listing what you tried for pain. Record your pain number before you take whatever you’re going to to help, then a while later record your pain number again. You might not think it’s helping but sometimes things will knock the number down by a point or two. If so it’s worth exploring more.

[maybe-i-wanna-die]

I am in two minds. I am to be admitted to a new facility in two days. I want to advocate for myself. Try something different.. apparently ECT has come a long way since it was offered to me in the past. Since I was in hospital with someone who was just never the same. Since I was in hospital with someone who became almost non verbal since the treatment. I am terrified that I will be one of the unlucky fucks that end up with permanent amnesia. My recall is my greatest asset and has helped me jerry rig my way through life. My somewhat uncanny ability to envisage a scene in my minds eye to great detail has helped me because I constantly struggle to have the energy to get shit done. But being able to revisit a room or a conversation without physically doing so has been something that has saved me. I notice *everything* and remember everything to great detail, for better or for worse. It makes me, me. I have noone around me to remind me of things, I have noone to help me if I forget something. I have noone to assure me things are okay if I do have a lapse in memory and find myself upset or confused. My greatest fear is losing my autonomy. And while I am not quite in control of my mind or body at the moment, I still have free will. I still have autonomy. Will I be willing to sacrifice that for a couple of years of not being sad? I dont know. I am terrified of weightgain. I guarantee that my eating disorder will return in full force if I do. I remember being placed on a medication that made me balloon out in a matter of a week and a half. It drove me to attempt suicide. My recovery in trying to accept my body and embracing eating 'normally' has been a long one, but it is a ridiculously delicate membrane holding it all together. The hatred I have for my body has been unmistakeable since the assault. But I am trying to give myself the grace of time. I am trying so hard to not resort to futile coping mechanisms of old. I am sitting with the godawful discomfort of being. I know if a treatment were to cause weight gain, no amount of CBT or meditation will be able to contain the shockwave of disgust and distain I harbor for my body. There will be a tide will wash in that will destroy the castles that I have worked on for years. I dont know if I have the will or the fortitude to fight it again. I am scared of treatments not working. To which, I say to myself, it only is over when it's over. But I am running on empty. I move through life pulling Gs and breathing molasses. I'm not getting any younger. I am alone. I have nothing keeping me here. And I dont know if I can handle another and another. I'm too tired to fail yet again. It is no longer a matter of reframing my thoughts. I am simply too exhausted to keep trying. I try not to think about these anxieties- for they have not happened and I do not have the energy to spare, worrying about things that are not in my control. But I had to document them somewhere. Because my brave face does not negate the fact that these fears and concerns exist.

[n1ghtm3ds]

I might be getting a grant for a gym membership which would be fucking amazing because i would love to get back in shape and start lifting again now that my heart has gotten stronger.  I dont lose weight but I gain muscle really fast and I want to be strong again.  I really want to find one with a pool so i can start with lower impact stuff that will be easier on my joints.  Im just really afraid of working out in a co-gender gym since the last time I did i was harassed but I dont think theres any female only gyms near me and if I went two or three times a week I could get back into “I feel safe walking alone at night”-shape and that would be so nice and it would be beneficial at work too im too out of shape to really chase the kids around outside and stuff like that and id love an opportunity to get healthier.  Ive been trying to stay active by going for daily walks but i think im ready to increase my activity levels.