#i dont want to be part of anything anymore
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—ㅤ꒰ྀིㅤ High Heels | a.arlert
Pairing: Armin Alert x fem! reader ( it is implied that reader is black)
Synopsis: Based off of my best friend armin drabble, read here for more context. Reader comes over to check and see if armin finished her homework as she so kindly(kind?) asked but ends up with more than just some papers.
Warnings: ୨ৎ 2.4k. fem black reader , lowercase intended on some parts, dry humping/grinding, she/ her pronouns, black coded , girly reader , sub! armin , praise, teasing, pet names (pretty , good boy, gorgeous), foot play? (not rlly). comments are welcome and loved!
“Min did you do my work like I asked you” You huffed as you slide onto his couch. Setting your pink coach purse on his lap smoothing out the wrinkles on your pretty gingham skirt.
Armin turned towards you a disappointed look on his face. “ I cant always do your work for you , how will you pass the class”
“Im going to pass just fine Armin what I dont have time for is you nagging me about something you promised you would do” You spoke bitterly crossing your arms over your chest.
Armin bristled at the bitter tone you spit out with his name. It was only “Armin” when you were annoyed with him , always a sugary “Min” or “ Minnie” when you talked to him.
With a sigh Armin took out your neatly folded homework that he had stayed up early in the morning finishing for you. “I cant always do this for you, I hardly have time to do my own work anymore”
“Sounds like a you problem not mine” you scoffed playing with the rings on your fingers. Why did he have to be so stubborn! Weren't friends supposed to help each other. You turned towards armins pouting frame a slight grin adorning your glossy lips an idea forming in your head as you slung your brown legs over his thighs bringing your hands to play with his blonde locks.
“Well I suppose if its just too much work for my little minnie to handle I could always ask rennie to do it for me dont wanna stress you out of course ” you twirled his hair between your fingers. “You know chem is his specialty”
Armin bristled at the mention of Erens name. Since when did you call him “rennie” nicknames were always something you reserved for him. He’ll be damned if he lets you spend any more time with the person who has him in this predicament in the first place
N-No its okay I can handle it dont worry your pretty head about it”
“Mhmm pretty? You think im pretty min” You leaned close brushing your lips over his ear circling your arms around his neck flirty smile adorning your perfect lips
Armin gulped , hands suddenly becoming sweaty, face growing hot. “Course I do…your the prettiest girl in the world” his cheeks flamed pink , he pushed his face into the collar of his sweater fidgeting with the hem of your skirt. God how he secretly loved when you teased him it never failed to have his dick growing tight in his boxers. He mentally sighed already knowing what game you were playing at. You always did this to him whenever you wanted him to do something using your sweet words against him.
“Well arent you adorable. But I don’t like complainers so maybe I will take my problems to eren since helping your best friend is such a chore” an annoyed expression made its way onto your face
You get up grabbing your purse off of his lap popping a piece of gum in your mouth prepared to leave for your dorm , but with one glance at his pants....you see he wasn’t embarrassed by your teasing but for another reason
“ Oh my god Minnie did you just get hard” you laughed pulling his flushed face closer to your own peering down at the obvious tent in his pants trying to get a closer look. “Thats so pathetic getting turned on from your best friend and I didnt even do anything. Giggling you bring your lips closer to his ear.
“oh my god are you like a pervert or something“
You laughed in his face relishing in how red his face got. Poking at his cheeks and grabbing his jaw in between your manicured hands. “Gosh who knew my geek of a best friend could even get it up , I mean arent you nerds supposed to only get any play from your hands and the pathetic little comic book girls and anime’s you watch, you probably jerk off to it too huh”
“ I d-dont I m-mean Im not a perv I dont jerk off to those types of t-things”
Armin stumbled over his words trying to say anything anything that would have you believe him , he didn't want you thinking he was a pervert on top of all the other things he guessed you didn't like about him anymore. The thought alone of you hating something about him made his head ache and his heart grind inside of his chest.
You stood up pressing the heel of your shoe into his growing erection “Your not a pervert? Then whats this minnie seems like you are one to me”
“You probably jerk off thinking about me when I leave dont you , I mean if something as small as a little teasing can get you this hard who knows what other perverted thought you think of me , thats so so so dirty and disgusting min”
He grabbed your ankle trying to remove your foot off of him which only made you press down harder. Armin groaned softly into the palm of his hand desperately trying to control his hips from rutting up into the palm of your shoe , your degrading words combining with how close you two were your perfume invading his senses all made his brain go foggy eyes glossing over.
“Aw look at you getting off on me stepping on your poor excuse of a dick ,is it even big? giggling you pressed your face closer to his
"Probably not I mean how could someone like you get that , the only thing your blessed with is that beautiful brain of yours and looks like thats going dumb too” you giggled moving your heel back and forth across the erection prodding at his zipper
Armin moaned at your harsh words hands shaking around your ankle as his hips started grinding up onto your shoe , pretty blue eyes starting to brim over with tears
“m-mhm sorry cant h-help it i'm sorry just feels s-so good c-causeyou ” he whined pathetically , tears slipping down his milky pink cheeks, trying to convey to you how this was technically your fault and failing miserably but his hips just couldn’t stop the slow grinding rhythm that had him start frantically humping your shoe
“God min your so pathetic look at you getting off on using my shoe like a dog in heat humping his owners leg , your fucking pathetic you know that. "so mind fucked already you cant even control your hips” You sneered taking his jaw between your fingers kissing away his tears prying open his mouth spitting your gum onto his pink tongue
“Maybe you should be like this always , my perfect pathetic little puppy" you smiled at the idea "thats all your good for anyways since you cant even handle doing a couple dumb homework assignments”
“.Y-Yea I can do that be your p-puppy mmm - love you s-so much you k-know that… dont wanna mmph - loose you” Armin whined out moving your foot to the same rhythm his hips were going trying to ease that achy feeling in his cock , all his emotions and fears of little you leaving him tumbling out in pathetic whines and whimpers.
“Oh min arent you adorable but cant have you cumming like this I mean you haven’t even thought about my needs tsk tsk such a selfish boy” You removed your heel from his body throwing a dissatisfied look his way
“I mean just look at me all drenched for you minnie” you laughed , “and who woulda thought little ol you could get me like this”
Armin went speechless watching you lift the hem of your skirt up giving him a nice pretty view of your soaked pussy through pink panties juices dripping down your thighs. you grabbed his hand placing it right where you needed it , small fingers overlapping his larger ones dragging his fingers up and down your clit circling the small bud.
Armins eyes zeroed in on your pretty panty covered pussy , eyes glossing over in a daze feeling the way the translucent slick coated his fingers feeling the heat of your pretty pussy through your panties
Finally finding some momentum to move because when would a chance to touch gorgeous you like this ever come again he thought, armin pulls your panties to the side thick fingers sliding between your gooey folds marveling in how much your dripping around him.
“I-idiot you gotta put them mhmph inside god have you even done this before” "so kay ill show you min" sliding your self onto his lap you put your back to his chest spreading your thighs over his much larger ones , bringing his hand back down over your pussy. “this is what you gotta do min make me feel good kay” you pushed two of his fingers inside your gummy walls back arching at the pleasurable intrusion.
Armin stared in awe at the swell of your breasts that started to poke out of your little top eyes trailing all the way down to where his fingers were now pushed nice and snug inside your pussy. God when was the last time you spoke to him so nicely? That sugary sweet tone you use to have for him returning to your voice. Was this all it took? His fingers plugging your hole for you to be nice to him?
“Min - Min!” You nudge the side of his face trying to nudge him out of his dazed off gaze “You gotta move your fingers dumb boy come on if you make me cum I promise Ill be reallyyy nice to you from now on” you smiled up at him leaning up just enough to press a glossy kiss to the side of his mouth
Armin’s ears perked up at that. Maybe you two could finally go back to how you used to be all he had to do was make you cum once? Armin found himself thinking he’d do anything anything to get you to look at him how you use to again without that demeaning gaze you usually held for him. He wrapped his forarm around your waist pulling you flush against him , knees pushing apart your legs to have you fully bared open for him.
He pulled his fingers slowly out of you and plunged them back into you , fingers stretching you out sliding against your gummy walls
“am I doing this right , y-you feel good look reallyy pretty like this” fingers fucking into your stuffed cunt at a brutal pace, glossy juices dripping down onto his lap. You could feel his dick twitching beneath you pressing into your behind and oh my god were you wrong about him being small.
“Min - minniee right there making me feel s-so good your such a good boy” your voice slurred trying to keep your head up but with each nasty thrust of his fingers your resolve fell. Your own fingers gripping his thighs , eyelashes fluttering shut at the familiar tight coil building in your stomach , ass rubbing back and forth over his dick squirming around in his lap
“ I-Im your g-good boy? y-yea yourgood boy” His teeth dug into his pink lips trying to suppress his pitiful noises , words slurring together at the praise you gave him. He shut his eyes in his head he knows he must sound so pathetic right now he just wanted to crawl away in embarrassment. I mean how could he be getting off on just your words praising him and the thick curve of your ass just simply pressing into him.
Even so the thought of disappointing you was even worse than his crippling embarrassment so he circled your clit with his thumb , fingers curling inside of your pink drooling hole, pampering your neck with open mouth sloppy kisses eager to do anything to make you cum to please you
“ooo minnie g-gonna cum your gonna make me cum im so close” your acrylic fingers curled around his wrist trying to drive his fat fingers deeper in your wet pussy. Armins head dropped on your shoulder slightly damp blonde hair tickling your cheek, thick rimmed glasses sliding down his nose.
“Gonna mhmm make you cum pretty gonna make you l-love me again. His words stuttered out of his mouth , his mouth making wet little hickies on your shoulder, thick fingers scissoring your drooling pussy , juices spilling into a small puddle onto his pants mixing in with his own pre cum from your mindless humping.
Armin removed his fingers from your cunt , fingers latching onto your waist arching you forward pulling his cock from the confines of his pants with a small groan from his lips. Pretty pink tip leaking so so much pre cum onto his thighs before he began moving you harshly back and forth on his dick sliding himself between your lips , pussy juices gushing down his shaft.
“Gonna cum like this pretty, p-prettiest pussy in the worlds gonna make me cum - mhmm s-so close” he rocked you back and forth against his cock gasping when he felt his head bump into your clit eyes rolling back the euphoric feeling of you humping his cock was bringing you both closer and closer to the edge “Ohgosh min angel feels so good b-best dick ever your like better than m-my pillow” you whined out , your moans bouncing off his walls, fingers grabbing his knees to leverage yourself to rut faster against him.
Angel. armin quivered at the soft name leaving your lips. Such a sweet endearment was directed towards him. If he wasn't a goner for you before he definitely was now.
The slick sounds , heavy breathing and your praise combined with all the gushing your pussy was doing and feelings he felt for you pushed him to the edge voice growing hoarse , him cumming onto your pussy with a loud moan head thrown back against the couch. You weren’t too far behind him , the feeling of his cum soaking your pussy making you cum with a soft moan , legs shaking nearly making you fall off his lap.
Armin finally gained enough strength to lift his head looking at you only to be met with the sight of your flushed fucked out face dipping between your thighs tasting the mix of cum you two left behind , tongue swirling your fingers leaving a soft pop!
“You taste good min really impressive for a dumb nerd like you” You grinned cheekily familiar teasing tone lacing into your voice.
“Tell me did grinding your dumb cock through my pussy feel good” you stroked your fingers through his hair , his head leaning into your touch before moaning into your palm when you sharply tugged at the blonde strands.
“Gonna use your shower now! Make sure my homework is done when I get out then we can finally put your looser cock to more work” taking off your clothing throwing it into his nearby hamper you blew him a kiss bouncing off to his bathroom.
Armin groaned loudly into his hand a lovesick doupy smile growing onto his lips. God what was he gonna do with you. He should have known one time wouldn’t be enough for you!
#armin arlet x reader#armin arlert#attack on titan#aot x black reader#aot x reader#armin arlet smut#armin x fem reader#armin x black fem! reader#armin x black reader#armin x black y/n#aot x black y/n#attack on titan x reader#armin arlert smut#armin alert x reader#armin smut#smut#anime x black!reader#anime x reader#anime x female reader#black reader#wafflingwitheden🍨#femaholicc#sub armin#armin aot#attack on titan armin
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(😨 no! This cannot be! Our reputation will be cooked!/j)
ah ah jittereen had the no face starter pack that’s crazy 😭😭😭😭😭
I guess that’s right but I am flabbergasted, discombobulated, shocked, speechless, disconcerted and whatever else the Oxford dictionary has 😭
OMG I remember when they took down like all of the Pokémon games like Pokémon fighters and brick bronze bc of a guy that was the son of my parents friends who let me watch him play 😭. I wanted to play so bad but cuh was older than me so he took that to his advantage and acted superior 💔. I remember how bad bacon heads got tortured like nowadays people dgaf anymore idk why back then it was such a huge thing like ok u have robux but that’s it 😭. (My municipality dgaf ab shi I don’t think they’d do anything ab it and even the one I lived in before didn’t have anything good in library so I just accepted to give up 💀) YES THATS WHAT I MEAN LMAO and sometimes there’s manga that has images on both sides so I’m like??? What side.
I literally was a Caesar kinnie but honestly my kins are all over the place (the entire fucking torture dance trio??? How the fuck do I kin them all there has to be something completely wrong w me) so. Idk no more. 💔 I actually never got into vld even tho it looked kewl? Like I wanted to watch it but I was tryna act tough bc my dad was watching it (he watches everything on Netflix idk) and he was gonna tease me for getting me into it and I’m too prideful to let that happen 😔
tbh is there a better dude than Bucciarati? Polpo prob chose favourites. So I agree. Realest hc ever fr ‼️‼️‼️ Im pretty sure Bucciarati got into the mafia when he was like. Maybe a few years over 13. He still looked like a twig in jojo years. So he def went thru the worst to learn and earn his position. He should’ve been at the club 💔/ref
tbh I just go on twitter to like or reblog 😭 I don’t have any oomfs, I don’t speak to anyone, just peacefully liking art and funny shit. The lifestyle. (I thought ab posting art but then I was like… do I really like twitter that much… more than tumblr… nah… my moots aren’t there…)
honestly most social interactions drain me esp at home and at school my friends can be in a bad mood or do shit (I’m actually Responsible™️ and Respectful™️ and a Law Abiding Citizen™️ at school) and it drains me even more. I just wanna. Lay down on the fuzzy floor of the amphitheater thingie we have. And sleep. But sometimes when keel stuff happens I get pumped with the Social Juice™️ (until it wears off an hour later and I get tired.)
LITERALLY THIS IS WHY I STOPPED YAPPING AB JJBA AND STUFF TO MY FRIENDS BC THEY DONT LISTEN TO SHIT 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I remember last year I was watching part 5 w my friend every dinner and like midway thru p5 she said that she wasn’t paying attention. Look at me rn and be fr. And I get that sometimes I get rlly exited and just yap a lot but. Vro please I listen to u listen to me too 💔. (Also execute ur friend the guillotine for thinking that mista=fugo./j) (it’s probably the results u found 😭 it’s an item in regretevator (Roblox) that basically fills up ur screen w glaggle stuff (smiley faces) and is super overwhelming (in a good way. Makes me feel silly.) (go on the regretevator wiki if you want an image lolz 😭))
You should totally ramble to me about ships you like :3 However many you like I’m just curious uwu
(I didn’t answer this as soon as I got it bc I was thinking about what to say lolz 😭)
tbh I like most ships as long as it’s not problematic or I find them weird/that they don’t have much chemistry. I also don’t mind poly or platonic ships (duh). I’d be sitting here all day yapping ab the ships I like/am okay w bc frankly it doesn’t have to strictly be character A X character B, I think it could also be character A X character C, etc. as long as it’s not any wrong. I won’t be going apeshit(/neg) over ships that I don’t like as much or have like a 2 year age gap. I mean, I think it starts to get weird when there’s 4 years of difference. I think people do too much when they hate on less popular ships smh if it’s nothing weird then let ppl have fun w their little kitty witties smh 😞
Huge yapping starts here vvv
Some ships I like tho r a lot of Ghibli movie couples in general bc they’re just super cute and I love the writing Ghibli does for its characters (I want what they have.). I also like Yukito/Yue X Touya and Syaoran X Sakura from CCS but that doesn’t mean I don’t also like Tomoko X Sakura (pretty sure Tomoko implied to like her anyway). I also like some other side ships from CCS but I barely remember their names bc it’s been so long since I’ve watched it and Netflix took it down 💔. CCS ships r cute in general I think, I’ve never seen any problematic ship (except that one girl X her fucking teacher. Pookie. You’re like 13. Don’t date ur teacher. And she was so pretty too bro why did they make her a questionable character 😭). And now. Getting to jjba my beloved. Since I unfortunately focus so so so much on p5 those are the only ships I’ll yap ab 😢. Huge honorable mention to Jonathan X Erina (jonaeri) tho they’re super cute together even if a lot of ppl said they barely have screen time and stuff :3. Anyway. Part 5. I honestly don’t care much about ships in la squadra as long as they had some form of interaction y’know (I don’t pay too much attention to La squadra anyway 💔). Usually ppl get really divided when it comes to Bucci gang ships tho. Honestly I’d rather see them all as a friend group that see each other as siblings to avoid all that shipping, but I admit I really like some pairings, like fugonara, bruabba, giotrish, futrish, naratrish, etc. I really don’t mind it that much (I don’t rlly ship mista w anyone bc I just don’t think there’s anybody matching his freak 😭). I mainly ship fugonara as you can see just bc to me it makes a lot of sense even if I also see them under platonic light. If there’s fugo, there’s narancia, and if there’s narancia, there’s fugo. I just find that rlly cute :3. I also like their backstories and how they tie together and the narancia death scene ripped my heart out in the anime so (IM CRYING AGAIN JUST FROM THINKING AB IT STOP 💔). Again that doesn’t mean I dislike the other ships, I just don’t pay much attention to them or think they had as much chemistry or time together. I love seeing my fave characters tho, so it’s not like I won’t like the content if there’s like gionara or something. Honestly I like seeing ppl have fun w their cutie patooties as long as it’s not too controversial, once again. It’s rlly a shame that ppl can jump at each others throat bc they disagree on a mere ship. It’s literally not gonna alter your life. Also, bc I say a ship some bucci gang characters doesn’t mean I don’t also ship them platonically. (I’ll type it like it’s ao3 tags lolz. Pretty sure & instead of / is for platonic, right?) I rlly like Narancia&Mista&Fugo (torture dance trio is literally the best friendship ever to me bc wdym you did a coordinated dance w ur homies to torture someone that’s so cool). There are also a few others, but they don’t come to mind rn (and there’s a f,y in my room annoying me.) You know what I think I gave jjba way too much attention. I also like Mimi X Sheshe (my fav lesbians fr 😍) from mermaid melody pichi pichi pitch. They tried censoring them by making them “sisters”, but they were blatantly and very obviously lesbians. Like vro. They are touching each other so homoerotically and have complimenting colours. And I think that’s most of it…
I don’t wanna make this any longer than it is so um. Yeah. This was a ramble. I didn’t realize it was so long lolz. But yeah it’s basically that :3
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#tell me why my cousin Julio out of nowhere#at 4 am texted the group chat my cousins and i have#talking about fuck all of yall tbh yall are all corny#i dont want to be part of anything anymore#i made peace with myself#everyone dies alone#and my response was a gif of that sloth or cat with his hands out lol#no me agüites güey#puro pinche Chevy mayne#LMAO#i know he was being serious but i couldn't help but say/send something stupid#i ended up texting his brother what happened he said he was up drinking and got in his feelings LMAO#welp looks like im watching wrestling home alone today 🤣 that boy ruined the PLE tradition we had going on for every ppv wwe had going lol
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please please please please please please please let me tell you about this comic I want to make it so bad please I can not wait I am losing it
If I don't make the comic then I'm not going to make it... I need other people to see what is in my brain so I'm not the only one going feral over them
#IM NOT GONNA GET TO MAKE IT FOR LIKE A YEAR...#well.#hmmm...#9 months#BUT it won't launch for like a year#so no one will get to SEEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!1#I'm shooting for pride month next year#pri(demon)th#LMAO#please pleae spleaple pla psl eaplse plaese#also when I say I want to talk about them I dont mean like let me ramble I mean... its hard to explain#but I want to be able to be like omg this meme is soooo zagan#and stuff like that#like I want them to Exist for me and for other people#so that they can be like a part of our lives#I mean. I also want to talk about it#but the story is still technically at that point where anything I make right now is still possible to change#cause. like. yknow.#the way writing works#especially for webcomics#ESPECIALLY for long form webcomics#and ESPECIALLY for me#is that until I get to actually see it as thumbnails#I dont know wtf is actually gonna happen.#like. stuff I've had planned for YEARS isn't making it in the furhter I'm getting into development#and I had always had it in my mind as a canon event but it's just sorta not anymore??#so. yeah I dont want to share too much outside of just art of them#cause I don't want there to be like Wrong information out there....#anyways.#we were legion
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goretober day 6: Transformation
this mermaid concept is not mine!!! it is cool as hell and comes from my homeboy @ch1ck3n-t03s
#original#mermaids#goretober#crisisgoretober2024#RAUHGHHH. THIS MERMAID CONCEPT IS SO FUCKING COOL DO YOU EVEN GET IT. DO YOU EVEN GET IT#IM ALWAYS FOREVER THINKING ABOUT THIS. COOLEST FUCKING MERMAID CONCEPT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY GODDAMN LIFE#they have CULTURE because they ARE people and they have to live once transformed and they have to live with each other#but everyone who is a mermaid was once human and they are linked by this horrifying painful often deadly process#which strips them of their agency and takes from them everything they knew up to and including their own bodies#if they breathe through the fish gills do their lungs fill with water? do they drown as they are taken by the fish#the fish are not intelligent but the humans ARE. once they merge they both change irreversibly and the mermaid has no choice but to condemn#someone else to the same fate they fell to if they want to continue their species#AUCH. and it's right there in the space between biologically feasible and sci fi 'no fucking way' that scratches my brain#like yeah dude. show me mermaid parasitism on a huge scale. show me massive symbiosis in which the two fuse together to form one individual#im thinkin this one is maybe a few weeks after the chomp. the scars are fresh but the fish has started the fusing#it doesn't need the eye anymore and so it's started to reabsorb. the mouth is fusing to the human body#the human legs are mostly dissolved but i imagine the bones are still intact which is why u can kind of see the knee through the eel#and it bends more drastically at the hip because the pelvis hasn't been digested yet. the fish's teeth have dissolved#the fins are still backwards in regards to how large a dorsal vs ventral fin should be because the fish is backward on the human part#it's so fucking cool dude. i love fucked up mermaids#i dont even care about my mermaids cause i aint never doing anything as cool as these bitches. what the fuck. mermaid parasitism. fuck yes#im late for the prompt once more but who care. im doing my thang. peacesign peacesign peacesign
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in light of the news that riot games is letting go 11% of their workers (over 500 people), including long time workers responsible for big parts of the best lore in the entire league ip, AND cutting down LoR AND abandoning Riot Forge (the best idea they had in years lol)-
i stopped playing league a long time ago for multiple reasons, but one of the big ones were my annoyance with the increasingly shit ass monetization (thats only getting WORSE and MORE exploitative) and my frustration with its constant boring ass design decisions (like every new champ being either sexy girly girl that looks like all of the rest of them or sexy guy thats also starting to have the same problem plus all skins putting female champs in just another dress no matter how monsterfied the male champs were-) with my only interest in it being the lore and the attachment i felt to certain characters
im not even really interested in arcane anymore .. i was looking forward to it bc i like fortiches work alot but given how riot immedaitely wanted to make it canon (a dumb and stupid idea) after the first season was successful, which already made it less enjoyable for me, this is just ... idk, what does it matter
these news together with how bafflingly badly written totk was and its subpar quality (especialyl for that PRICE) that made me fear the future of loz yet it was still wildly sucessful (we deserve better than this!!), the recent commercial success of the plagiarism pokemon slavery/trafficking game and the general situation of the games industry, with AI rampant and CEOs sucking it up to shareholders only, constant massive lay offs everywhere in every studio
i have little hope left there will be new, good, games from big studios .. what an exhausting shitty world we live in
#ganondoodles talks#random#personal#save me good indie games#good indie games....#good indie games save me ..#im well aware that there are more important things than video games#but this just adds to the oeverall exhausting feeling of everything everywhere in every industry and every part of the world getting worse#like fuck#cant soemthing good be happening for once#maybe less death and destruction#both literally and in an artistical sense#genuinely not looking forward to anything anymore#im not gonna dare to hope for a new good loz game bc hell it will be years and totk was a grim view into the future of the franchise#i dont want to be disappointed like this again-#i wanna mention again that i set my expectation extremely low for totk- all i wanted was a sequel to botw- or just a good game#and my god was it not#dont try to argue with me#im angry and tired
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ANON??? im pretty sure someone sent me an inbox today about jean x kevin x shawn but i can’t find it anymore and i think i might have accidentally deleted which KILLS ME bc i really wanted to take a look at it now omg this just ruined my day i hope anon knows i did not ignore them and will now forever think about your inbox :(((
#also for all the other inboxes i promise i’m not actually ignoring you#i wasn’t even gonna post ANYTHING today anymore but i felt so bad about accidentally losing the inbox :((#but i’m going through one of my worst depressive episodes since like lockdown rn#so i’m just trying to wait it out and be in a proper headspace before interacting w people SHSJDHDH#but now that im posting this i might as well post the next socmed part and immediately turn my phone off and sleep#so good night y’all sorry @ anon i swear i LOVED your inbox and it was the highlight of my day and actually made me feel better#(which is why i wanted to get back to it now sigh)#but ily i swear#SO SAD I LOST IT FR YOU DONT GET IT (if u even see this omg)
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i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.
so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.
#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know.#ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life#and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know.#i feel a lot of shame in general#but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media#and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking#and i dont know i think im tired of running from it#im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak#me happy. make me feel comfortable#i dont want that shame anymore#i never deserved it#anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have#but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back#this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that#anyways. shoutout to#james wilson#most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol.#trans#coming out#fandom#fanfic#personal#queer#lgbtqia
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I went to no one's mad at you island and all your friends were there and they told me they all love you and could never hate you and they don't mind that sometimes your emotional responses are bigger than the actual problem and they asked where you were. They miss the shape of you in the group and how your laugh and smile and the way you speak weaves the group together. They wanna see you again soon and hope you call.
#elias howls#not prompted by anything I just liekd this meme format and wanted to say something#and to um idk baby myself i guess bc i kind of suffer this sort of cycle#your friends DO love you and they DO miss you and its ok to let them know or ask if everyone js feeling ok because youre feeling hurt. its#k to ask for reassurance. you're not a bad person for that#I really struggle with the last part. accepting its ok to struggle with that. i always feel like a manipulative person for expressing that i#m feeling hurt and would like to talk and get reassurance but. everyone needs it and if my friend was like 'hey after this (event) I feel li#ke yiu dont like me anymore.' or anything else and wanted reassurance i would literally drop everything to assure them its ok even if i was#mad bc thats what friends do. soemtimstyou fight but thats ok
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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh
#🤖.txt#aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor#anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk#i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then#genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time#i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time#Idkkkk i just really hate living like this#thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle#that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months#ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well#just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do#Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing#anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right#im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have#Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier#But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while#aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t#evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be#vent
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Ah, the cursed day has come
My mother knows about Hantengu
Please destroy all evidence I ever existed.
#AAAAAAAAUUUHHGH#she always makes me feel bad or embarrassed abt things i like so i always hide this stuff from her#its not that i dont want to share with her its that i always regret it when i do :(#and then she gets so upset that i dont share anything with her anymore#maybe dont make people feel awkward or bad or embarass them when they share private parts of who they are :“)#the perks of not being able to afford rent with your fulltime job :D#arkwhines
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ohhhh my fucking god nobody needs to like know any of this medical tmi but it is literally 11 pm and if im kept up one minute longer when i just laid down trying to go to sleep by my mother YELLING REPEATEDLY that she needs to pee. im going to actually go insane. she got a catheter in. Yesterday. it is working. she won't listen to anyone when they tell her that this is the case. help me jesus. im sure if a nurse comes to check on her tomorrow they'll probably get the same response. my brain will simply explode
#crow.txt#the absolute levels of stress im under could create diamonds out of free floating carbon atoms my fucking god#can i have. Literally just one day of peace. just one!! fuck!!!!#at least now i have SOME validation from everyone else of shit that mom has honestly kinda always done#be absolutely furious and bitchy usually for no good goddamn reason and then immediately turn it off to look good in front of someone else#i had a feeling mom coming home was gonna be utterly miserable sooner rather than later#i literally cannot leave my room without her yelling for dad bc she thinks im him i guess. she has gotten him up like 4 times now#what the fuck do you want any of us to doooooooooooo. according to dad shes also just been really fucking hateful today#including to her SISTER who has been facilitating literally everything medically for her for the last month plus#like on one hand i know its hard and frustrating etc etc absolutely. on the other. what the fuck are you yelling at any of us for!#whatd we do! not a damn thing for the most part! holy shit im exhausted#and then im sure she will have the audacity to wonder why i dont really want to interact with her much rn#its very apparent she doesnt really understand whats going on or how much of anything works at this point including hospice care#but i truly cannot help you when your knee jerk response is to yell and be abusive. like. dads not been great either#bc hes also one to bitch and moan and yell abt shit. but like. so is mom. more than usual#and ill actually be damned if i let her treat me like that honestly ever again. like idk for once i can just#walk away from this behavior with zero consequences. i dont have to take it anymore. im not free but at least im fuckin closer than i was#guess my aunt wasnt kidding when she said her being coherent and rational last week might be the calm before the storm
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i always assumed he cut his hair with a pair of shitty scissors in front of his bathroom mirror at like 2am
#my art#kuron vld#vld#kurons design is really fucking funny to me for some reson#he looks so goofy???? boy why do you dress like that#he looks like a dog in a medical cone......... WHY#cant take his ass seriously#shiros s1&2 design made him look serious and reliable#but somehow his clone has the dumbest fucking outfit#i dont hate it or anything btw but it IS very funny to me. not in a bad way hes just silly#love this guy hes a fucking idiot<3 my silly guy<333#he caught one glance at himself in the mirror while idk brushing his teeth and had a breakdown#bc he didnt look enough like shiro and thats Not Good and he had to fix it so he doesnt feel Wrong anymore#having long hair was weird for him bc his brain was screaming at him that he doesnt look Right#but maybe there was a tiny part of him that didnt mind the hair. a part of him that wanted to be diffrent and try new things#but he couldnt do that bc Shiro Wouldnt Do That and he IS shiro(hes not). dumbass.#i love making clone characters trans allegories#or sometimes i just make literally them trans. its good for the soul:]#i am So Normal about this guy. i prommy.#kuronposting
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.
#awi#personal#i dont want to go into work in the morning#i remember 2016 so vividly how my republican coworkers were acting like it was a football game their team won#ive been looking at new jobs new apartments new anything for a bit now and was starting to feel more hopeful#but now the uncertainty of the future has me hesitating something fierce#i was starting to seriously consider just quitting my job and finding some part time work for a couple months#live off savings and pray to any deity thats listening i dont get sick since i wouldnt have health insurance anymore lol 💀#just get some more time to exist on my own terms for a bit#im so tired#i bought my dad and i booze on my way home so we were both pretty loopy earlier and he was waxing poetic about me getting a new job#to have that feeling back#he's feeling similarly stuck i think#the older i get the more i am his kid fr#i am. so tired
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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I love taking care of people omggg 😍😍😍
#i love when i can go into nurse mode and get people what they need and run through the checklist of what helps#especially if i know the person because then i already have a handle on preferences or what they typically need#i have like. half a degree for a few things and i have a specific interest in physiology and psychology#i also used to really enjoy crisis management and peer support stuff but theres a lot of elements of that i cant do anymore#because the toll that shit takes is more than i can pay#specifically crisis related events#theres a lot I have to work through yet before i can manage those situations#anyway. my dream situation would be to work with someone to help them figure out what they need#like. assess the situation. find resources if needed. check on their ability to address basic daily tasks. make crisis plans.#start some basic dbt conversations and try to figure out what help they need and how to get it#i know some people dont want to go to a traditional psychiatrist or psychologist for whole host of extremely valid reasons#so being able to help them with self help or finding other alternatives. or just like. being a person they can regularly talk and vent to#because sometimes people don't have anyone. and just one person in their life can make a major impact#and like. its not exactly like therapy in that way. like i have the knowledge base to incorporate aspects of it in if wanted/needed#i think some people just need to be heard and that can help them move forward#and my goal isnt to like. transform you or whatever. there are people out there who need help but its hard to start#or it's difficult for them to access what they know they need#and i just want to meet people where theyre at and help them take enough small steps to being able to live how they want#like. harm reduction type shit. if you just need clean needles thats a step forward. and maybe its the only step they feel they need#to be happy. and now they can have a little bit of a safety.#like. a little more agency over how they want to live their life while improving quality of life#a step is a step man#anything that moves you toward the life you want counts#you deserve a win#the edible hit part way through so sorry if theres incomplete and tangential thoughts#also how can i do this shit for profesh??#i know similar jobs exist but theres a huge foundation of shit i just dont agree with built into them
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