#i dont really have anyone to talk to anymore and i might end up just deleting this later

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[technyan]

does anyone on here have any cute shows or cartoons/anime they can recommend i've been really depressed and its been difficult for me to get out of bed

[skitskatdacat63]

I like how I was without power for like less than 12 hrs and I already started having a psychological breakdown SJFKVLLV

[rockandrolldisgrace]

yeah but i really got fucked over by the people i told this abt loll

[heavenlyvision]

pity pairing: Johnny Cage/reader wc: 1.3k warnings: angst no comfort... sorryyyyy, no use of pronouns or yn, gender neutral reader a/n; in my feels so i'm torturing everyone else :) it's not good, maybe not even coherent but i dont care !!!!!! JOHNNY CAGE ANGST BABYYYYY

The friendship between you both has become uncomfortable. The worst part is, it’s your fault, there’s nothing inherently wrong with harbouring long-term feelings for one of your closest friends, the issue comes when you choose to stupidly admit that to them, even when you know they don’t feel the same way. The conversation was awkward and you regret it deeply, it wasn’t even planned or romantic or anything grand like in movies… it was just awkward.

You’d been having your weekly movie night at his house; he’s made a bad habit of sticking his nose in your business and that night was no different. It had been perfectly fine until he started haranguing you over when you were going to get back in the dating field and find someone who deserved you, but he was pushing it – like he so often does.

He had said, “Come on, when’s the last time you even liked someone, you need to get out there again… world is your oyster and all.”

“That’s for like… job opportunities and stuff, Johnny,” your eyes rolled at him. 

“It can be for love too… or at least dating. I mean come on… you’ve not dated anyone in like…” he had stopped to think on it, “…Holy fuck! Years! It’s been years… what’s stopping you?”

You avoided his eyes, “I don’t want to talk about this, let’s just start the movie…”

Your avoidance was only piquing his interest though, “So, there's something to talk about then! What is it? Do you like someone?”

You couldn’t help the way your demeanour shifted, giving yourself away, “This is childish, Johnny. I just want to watch the next movie.”

His hand had reached out to jab at your side, “You like someone? Do I know them? Tell me!”

He was annoying and persistent, yammering at you, trying to get you to spill your guts, it was frustrating and overwhelming and eventually with wet eyes you admitted, “Jesus Johnny! It’s you okay? I. like. you.” The next part is what you regret most, “I…love you.”

You had watched the way he pulled back from you, “Oh.” He scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m really… I’m sorry, doll… but I don’t feel the same…”

He wouldn’t look you in the eyes, and after several moments of silence, you spoke up, “I never asked you to.” You remember peeling yourself off the couch, too uncomfortable to stay, “I’m going to go… thanks for tonight...” You had gotten out of there as quickly as you could, distressed at having given away a piece of yourself you weren’t quite ready to part with.

✶⋆.˚

It’s not like you’ve not seen him since then, you go to events or parties hosted by mutual friends or by Johnny himself but he’s started looking at you a certain way, it’s frustrating you to no ends. Every time you catch each others gaze or make small talk, he watches you with an expression filled with so much pity, you just know he feels bad for you and you need him to stop because not only is it making you feel worse, it’s making you feel… angry. Like you might poke him in his two eyes just so he can’t look at you like that anymore.

Tonight is the same, he’s hosting a party and you didn’t really want to come but one of your mutual friends had insisted that you go with them. So, you showed... only to immediately regret it because as soon as Johnny looked at you, his eyes were pitying you in a way that makes you feel embarrassed. You don’t think he’s aware of how he's looking at you but the only thing he’s doing is making this harder for you. You so badly wish you could go back in time just to stop yourself from saying anything, if you had just kept quiet, he wouldn’t know and you wouldn’t both be keeping each other at arm’s length.

Ever since that night, it feels like you’re acquaintances, not good friends… before it all… you would’ve described him as one of your best friends but now he feels so distant from you, so far that he doesn’t even feel like a friend.

The way he’s looking at you from across the room has you turning and going in the opposite direction, you can’t leave – your friend is your ride – but you sure as hell can avoid the fuck out of him. Which you plan on doing, it’s not particularly hard, there are plenty of people here and they all want to talk to him, every time he starts moving towards you, you slip away and thank the lord that people love talking because he gets stopped every few steps without fail.

Later in the evening you begin to feel overwhelmed by all the people, they’re everywhere, you need a break, you need to breathe. Carefully, you sneak away and upstairs, heading for Johnny’s bedroom, he has a balcony attached to his room and you could use the night air. There is also one in the main area but people are out there smoking and talking and you just… need to be alone.

It’s quiet out here and you can finally take a deep breath and unclench, folding your arms over the railing, you rest your head down on them, letting yourself cool in the evening air. It was a bad idea coming here tonight, when you think of Johnny at the moment, all you can see is his sad eyes looking back at you. How are you going to fix this? You don't think there is anything you can do really…

The door to the balcony opens and closes behind you softly, “I thought I’d find you here,” Johnny’s voice is soft as he walks to you.

When you look to him, he’s still got that stupid look on his face, “Stop looking at me like that.”

He's confused, “Like what?”

“Like you’re pitying me, it’s making me feel…” you trail off before finishing, “It’s not helping, just stop.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to…” He goes to place a hand on your back but thinks better of it and places them both on the railing.

You’re looking away from him, out into the night, at the view, if you look at him to see that expression... you’ll either cry or become violent.

He sighs from beside you, “Listen, about what you said–”

You cut him off, you don’t want to talk about this, “–We don’t have to talk about it… forget I said anything.”

His expression is incredulous when he looks to you, “Forget that you confessed to me?”

You stay looking forward, “Yeah. Forget it.”

He implores you, “How can I just forget something like that?”

“Try really hard,” you wave a hand, attempting to remain unaffected despite how exposed you’re feeling.

He tries moving closer, silently begging for you to look at him, “I have– I have tried really hard but I can still hear your words in my head, I can still hear how you told me–”

“–I didn’t mean it.” Bracing yourself, you look him in the eyes.

He looks almost disappointed, “What?”

Keeping yourself as steely as possible, you deadpan, “I lied, I didn’t mean it, I’m taking it back.”

“You can’t just take something like that back,” his brows crease at you.

Shrugging, you ask, “Who says?”

“That’s not something you can just do, you can’t tell someone you… you love them and then take it back,” he sounds angry at you.

You answer with a sigh, “Does it matter?”

He raises his voice slightly, “Of course it matters!”

Turning your whole body to him, you say outright, lying through your teeth, “Johnny, I don’t love you.”

He shakes his head at you, “Don’t say that.”

You smile at him regretfully but say nothing.

His eyes hold a pain that they shouldn’t, “You said you love me.”

Maybe if you lie, things will be okay... “I got over it.”

✶⋆.˚

[hilsonamore]

OKAY SO HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON-

I’m only on season 5 episode 12, but who am i kidding, i basically already know how the show ends-

Okay so, currently foreman’s part of a study that’s doing trials testing for a new possible cure for huntington’s disease and thirteen is partaking in the study so she’s an actual patient there. But, some of the people in the study are on a placebo drug (why!?!?!!??!) and thirteen is one of them, but she’s not supposed to know and neither is foreman. Unfortunately though, foreman found out and he wants to try to change her into the real drug, something that might actually help her. (Also, they’re already together by now)

He talked about this with chase but chase told him it was risky and reckless and he definitely shouldn’t risk his career for this, so foreman ended up going to house for advice on what to do.

And house- house the little shit, he’s all like:

“You might delay the onset of symptoms, give her an extra year, maybe three. She’s still dead before you’re 45. The question is, are those few years worth risking your life in medicine?”

“No”

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Thank you”

“You’re welcome…”

“Unless you love her”

“If you love her, you do stupid things”

PEOPLE DO STUPID THINGS FOR LOVE, I DONT REMEBER THE EPISODE BUT YOU KNOW THE ONE, where house and wilson are observing the surgery of that woman who is willing to transplant part of her liver to her husband to save their marriage, and house turns to wilson and is like “people do stupid things for love”…i think that’s the one.

And about the whole “are those few years worth risking your life in medicine?”…

My guy literally faked his death just to run away with wilson who only had 5 months left and literally tossed his career in medicine into the abyss…the two most important and certain things in house’s life were his career and his relationship with wilson, and wilson was still more important, he was more important to house than the one thing that literally made him him.

Not only did he give his career up, he gave up his life, literally because now everyone thinks he’s dead and he can’t even practice medicine anymore, and wilson didn’t even have half a year left. House would give anything for that one plus year-

God i feel sick to my stomach, if anyone dares call them best pals i will personally choke them to death (lovingly, but not really)

[phenphoenix]

//IMPORTANT PLEASE READ//

Heyo, I just wanted to make a little post in regards to updates and the future of this blog. It's already pretty obvious that I'm not as in to Hazbin anymore. I still adore the au that I and all of you created. However, as time has passed, the issues I have with the show and fandom have only just continued to sour things. It's also just a general loss of hyperfixation. I've been a fan of hazbin and helluva for years now. The same goes for pretty much most of vivs work. But the fandom (and ngl Viv herself) is just getting so toxic, and to put it simply, I just don't enjoy the shows anymore. (I could go on a whole rant about all of that, but I would rather not. I'm definitely in the middle as far as the fandom goes. I'm not complaining and being nit-picky about every little detail, but I'm also not going out of my way to harass anyone who dares say they dont like the shows. Cause that's dumb)

I also want to add that my cancer does play a part in all of this. There was a lot more I wanted to do with The Hart Hotel, but I couldn't. And by the time my energy came back, the hyperfixation had started to fade. And I'd much rather spend what little of it I have left on stuff I do like.

I'm truly sorry if this has disappointed anyone. I know what it's like to follow someone and watch them move onto different things before you do. I also want to make it clear that the bit of the fandom I have directly interacted with per The Hart Hotel has been absolutely wonderful, and the main reason I didn't drop the whole thing months ago.

I'm still leaving all of the stuff up! And I highly recommend checking out the spreadsheet linked in the masterpost. The guy who made it is very cool. I don't want to say the Au will be stopped cold turkey. Who knows, I might still make occasional drawings in the future. But I'm definitely moving on to different things. Like I said before, I just don't enjoy the HH universe anymore. Easier to create stuff for things you actually like, y'know.

Anyways, ty for coming to my Ted talk, I really do appreciate it if you've gotten this far. Even with this sad end, I still very much enjoyed everything that came from this silly AU.

[headcanons-n-shit]

Hello

Your newest post reminded me i had an idea. The bois comforting wol who is having a nervous brakedown from all the stress. Bonus Ardbert.

I really like your stories. Especially the angsty ones.

(TAZ The Breakdown plays in the background)

(Mild shadowbringers spoilers)

Thancred literally (accidentally but still) disassociated so hard from the stress that he gave up his body to the bad guy for a bit. If anyone gets what youre going through, its probably going to be him. Hes not going to waste his time on empty platitudes: hes going to get you a glass of water, a warm blanket, and a hot meal, and let you cry it out on his shoulder for as long as you need to.

(And if that still doesnt help, well. Sex is still on the table. Its rarely a good idea, but hes all out of those.)

Urianger is probably breaking down with you lets be real. Every future my mans has ever read has included world-ending catastrophe, and, sure, youve thwarted it every time (usually with his help) but. What if this time you dont? What if this time you fail???? Its an unreasonable amount of stress for one man to be carrying. He probably does a fantastic amount of fantasy weed to cope and still all it takes is seeing you break down for him to also start blubber-crying.

Graha seems kind of detached and distant at first. "Shower water food" he commands you, in the voice of Lynas grandfather the Crystal Exarch, firm and uncompromising and impossible to disobey, and you might miss the way his voice and smile are strained. The way his hands clench and unclench at his sides. Hes never regretted turning back time to help you save two worlds, but. Its times like this that he wonders if he shouldnt try again to give you a happier ending.

Estinien is a firm hand on your shoulder, a steady shoulder to lean on, because he gets it. The feeling of being trapped in your own body, puppetted by powers so much greater than you can imagine, almost greater than you can comprehend... Youre breaking down for the both of you, honestly, because hes spent so long training the iron discipline to resist nidhoggs influence that he doesnt know how to anymore. This is. Cathartic. For the both of you tbh.

Aymeric wishes in this moment, more than anything, that he could just. Just be with you. Out on your journeys, giving you support by your side instead of from a distance. And he knows, he knows, that the support he gives you is important, that his ability to move nations in your favor has helped far more than any single sword at your side ever would. But he bears the weight of a nation while you bear the weight of a star, and that just. Doesnt seem fair to him.

Haurchefant knows that theres some things that hot chocolate cant fix but. Its a good starting place if nothing else. Something warm and sweet right now couldnt hurt, neither would a soft blanket and a roaring fire. He'll sit with you, bundled up together, and just listen if thats what you need. Or he can talk-- he has plenty of embarrassing stories about Artoirel that he hasnt shared yet. Either way, he'll happily help you wipe your tears away when youre done, and then drop a delicate kiss on your forehead.

Stand tall, he says. A smile better suits a hero.

Sidurgu is surprisingly good at this. Or, maybe not so surprising? Rielle is very mature for her age, but shes still a child. He probably does this whole song and dance every other week. And you feel a little bit like a child, the way he bullies you into the shower and then bundles you up in blankets and pushes food at you, but. Beneath the gruff words and scowl you can tell hes worried. Frustrated. This is exactly the kind of injustice that as a dark knight he swore he would fight, but hes just one man, there isnt much he can do about the desolation of the star. But he also needs you to know that he'll always be in your corner. Whether in this little way or if you need him to help you kill a god, he'll always come when you call.

BONUS

Ardbert has never felt so helpless in his life. He cant touch you, cant be a shoulder you can cry on. He cant even fetch you a glass of water. All he can do is stand there and watch as you break apart in your bed in the Pendants, and its. Its torture, worse than anything any ascian could ever conceive.

Still. He does what he can. And if all he can do is sit at your bedside, his hand hovering half-through yours in a mockery of touch while he tells you stories of his adventures, or friendship and triumph and happier times, well. Its the least he can do.

[wolfjackle-creates]

WIP Wednesday

So, here's a short excerpt for WIP Wednesday (963 words)! Thank you for everyone who followed my new writing blog, the response has been so unbelievable.

Trigger Warning: Discussion of parental death

Original Prompt Fill

1st Shared Segment

-----

IKnowYourSecrets: hey

IKnowYourSecrets: I know this isnt something weve done before

IKnowYourSecrets: you said you got a cell for your last bday

IKnowYourSecrets: can I call you?

IKnowYourSecrets: heres my number XXX-XXX-XXXX

-xXPolarisXx-: is everything ok?

-xXPolarisXx-: dont answer that

-xXPolarisXx-: obv not

-xXPolarisXx-: my phones in my room brb

Danny ran up stairs to grab his phone and return to the computer before anyone could close out of his chat. He checked the number and dialed it, closing out of everything and logging out as the call connected.

“Tim?” he asked as soon as the ringing stopped. “What’s happened?”

“Danny? I… this is weird talking like this.” Tim’s voice was rough and Danny couldn’t tell if that was from emotion or just how he normally sounded.

Danny laughed a little. “Yeah. It is. Give me a sec, let me get to my room and I’ll shut the door. Give us some privacy.”

“I… yeah. I might need a few minutes.”

“Are you okay?”

Tim made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob and Danny all but ran up the stairs. “No, not really. Um. My mom’s dead.”

“What?!" What was the appropriate response to something like this? Sometimes he wished he had Jazz's way with words. "What happened?”

“She and dad were in the Caribbean." Tim let out a huff. "I didn’t even know they were in the Caribbean.”

Danny made a noise to indicate he was listening, but waited for Tim to continue.

“There was a local villain named Obeah man. He captured them and held them ransom. Gave them some water to drink at some point, but… it was poisoned. By the time Batman got there, it was too late. Mom died.” Tim gave another half-hysterical laugh. “And my dad is in a coma. He may never wake up.” His voice trailed off.

Danny swallowed. How does anyone respond to news like that? “I’m so sorry, Tim. How are you holding up? What’s going to happen now?”

“The funeral is in two days. Bruce is organizing it. And I’m going to stay with him, I guess. He said he’d be happy to foster me until my dad gets better.”

“Shit, Tim. Text me during the funeral if you need to.”

“I might take you up on that. You won’t mind?”

“Of course not. Every 5 seconds if you need to.”

“Distract me. What’s going on in your life? I don’t want to think about any of this anymore.”

“Oh, uh, all right. Are you sure?”

“Please, Danny.”

“If you change your mind, interrupt me anytime.” Danny chewed his lip. What on earth could he talk about in response to news like that? The test he had in English last week? That sounded so trite. “I did start karate training with…” he trailed off before he could say his mom. “Anyway, it’s going all right. I’ve basically only been taught basic moves. I only get lessons two or three times a month so it’s slow going.”

Tim’s voice was still shaky, but he seemed to latch onto the topic to Danny’s relief. “You really have to give it your all if you want to succeed. Have you learned the basic stances and things?”

“Some, I think.”

“Hold those positions. Stand in your room and just hold them for ten minutes at a time. And practice the same punch over and over. Even if your m—” Tim’s voice caught and he changed course “—instructor can’t make it. Would you be allowed to sign up for classes? Get something more consistent?”

“We don’t have the money.” Danny bit back the embarrassment he felt at admitting that. Tim was rich-rich and never had to worry about things like bills. “Ghost hunting doesn’t really pay. My parents are at least good engineers so they can fix our own appliances and vehicles. Sometimes dad or mom will fix stuff for the neighbors for some extra money.”

Tim hummed in understanding and didn’t push the issue. “How did they even get into ghosts to begin with?”

“If we ever end up in the same place, you are not allowed to ask that directly to my parents. Don’t mention ghosts at all. They won’t stop talking for hours. As for how they got into it… Dad’s always believed in the supernatural. He could’ve just as easily started tracking big foot or the Loch Ness Monster. But he met mom in university and she was stuck on ghosts. Dragged him in, too. And he’s obsessive. Once he decides on something, that’s it.

“They were both studying the supernatural and had to decide what to focus on for their doctoral research. Mom’s hated ghosts since she was a teenager. Apparently she and a friend were dared to go into a haunted house one Halloween. She doesn’t talk about it much, but her friend died that night. She blames the ghosts and has dedicated her life to hunting them ever since.”

Tim clicked his tongue. “Wow. It almost makes sense with that back story.”

Danny snorted. “Ghosts aren’t real. I dunno what killed her friend, but it wasn’t a ghost. Wish they’d decided to hunt Bigfoot instead.”

“Really? Why do you say that?”

Danny looked out his window and stared at the setting sun. “If they were hunting bigfoot, we’d probably go camping more often. And I like camping. You get the best views of the stars that way.”

“What’s your favorite constellation?”

“That’s like asking who my favorite Star Trek character is! There’s too many to choose. But do you know the folk history of Polaris? It’s why I chose my username.” Danny talked to Tim about the stars and space until Alfred called him away for dinner. They made plans to talk online again later.

-----

Next

Now, I have a question for y'all. I was planning on finishing the entire work then publishing on a once a week basis until finished (or twice a week if I had more chapters than I expect). I've got the first chapter mostly done, just need to rewrite one section and change a few lines elsewhere. I also have the next 1.5 chapters mostly done on a first draft. I could start posting now, but I can't guarantee a posting schedule and I'll probably have to take a hiatus or two as I plan to get a new job and move sometime in the next few months.

So my question, do you want me to post now or wait? It'll probably be several months if not a year before I finish depending on how long I take and how many other projects catch my eye.

-----

In other news, the creator of the original prompt started their own fill, too! If you read mine, I am requiring you to check theirs as well because it is amazing 💕. Tumblr Link and AO3 Link

Tag List

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I removed the names of some people who requested a tag back in November but didn’t interact with the last snippet I shared. Since it’s been so long, I wasn’t sure if you were still interested. I’ll be more than happy to add anyone else, re-add anyone I took off, or take off anyone who doesn’t want future tags! Or start a separate list just for after there’s an AO3 link. Just let me know!

[spacexseven]

GOD I am thinking so hard about yans going after a darling they previously rejected.

like. you have a crush on your coworker, [insert bsd yan here]. ur not subtle about it. ofc yan Knows, so does everyone else who watches you two interact. trouble is, they dont reciprocate. which is ok! theyre allowed to not like you! but they're also a huge dick about it which is the real issue here.

like, they do NOT let you down easy AT ALL. they might even lead you on a bit beforehand if they're the opportunistic type, paying attention to you up until you do what they want and then dropping you until they have another task lined up. they don't feel bad about it. they don't HAVE to indulge in your delusional little crush, be happy theyre paying attention to you at all! eventually they just completely shut you down. maybe you finally work up the courage to ask them out and they laugh right in your face, not able to stifle their amusement at the idea. or maybe you catch them on a bad day and your puppy-like desperation goes from being funny to annoying and they don't mince words when telling you to get lost. you're heartbroken, humiliated, maybe even a bit frightened if they said anything particularly scary in their tirade, and resolve to just avoid them as much as you possibly can from now on. maybe start looking for a new job somewhere else. 

they try to act like losing your attentions doesnt effect them at all, but they really feel your absence. they convince themselves that you're just giving them space after the… incident, but when they go looking around for you and you're nowhere to be found or you coincidentally have to leave whatever room you're in as soon as they enter it they realize that you're avoiding them. it hurts more than they'd like to admit, they find themselves seeking you out much more than they ever have before, only to be disappointed when you notice them looking at you and get visibly uncomfortable or lower your voice so they cant hear you anymore. if they ever DO manage to talk to you, you're freezing cold, all business. on your end, you're just trying not to irritate them, assuming that if they're suddenly staring at you its cuz you're doing something they don't like, but theyre completely torn up about no longer getting your attention. theyre distracted constantly by your sudden distance, no longer able to enjoy outings with coworkers if you don't attend- spending the whole time wondering if you didn't go cuz THEYRE there. now THEYRE the one following YOU around, trying to get back in your good graces in whatever way they can think of. it might start as a childish ploy to regain your attention after your ignoring them caused a blow to their ego, but the more you avoid them the deeper their feelings get. please please PLEASE stop being mad at them! they can't go on if you don't forgive them. 

id imagine it would all come to a head if they found out you were planning on quitting soon, or if they caught you going on a date with someone else in the office. they WONT lose you. they cant.

I think most characters could work with this, but especially dazai, akutagawa, jouno, chuuya, and kunikida (he wouldnt do anything out of malice hed just accidentally be pretty harsh turning you down and then feel like an idiot later.). maybe fyodor and gogol too, with some tweaking. this kinda came out a garbled mess sorry haven't slept in like 3 days lmao.

- 🩹

my friend please get some sleep :< like Seriously you are going to crash very hard at this rate i didn't get to elaborate on a lot here 'cos i wanted to write a little bit for everyone (dazai, chuuya, jouno, techhou, ranpo, akutagawa, kunikida, sigma, nikolai and fyodor) but if there's any particular group/character anyone wants to hear about send me an ask and i'll gladly ramble on and on :>

i can see either dazai or jouno doing this intentionally, genuinely liking to watch you look embarrassed and even teary-eyed at his blunt rejections. whether it's because they really couldn't care less about you or because they were just bored, they lead you on and go on to embarrass you publicly, effectively humiliating you and breaking your heart over and over.

consequently, these two also are hit the hardest when you start ignoring them. this probably happens when your carefully crafted confession is callously crushed, receiving jeering words and scornful laughter in response, and you decide you should move on from the toxicity these two carry.

jouno can sense you sneaking out the room when he enters and he pretends not to notice, but dazai straight up stares at you in a look you might even think of as betrayal if it wasn't such a crazy thought. both of them are beyond furious by your sudden withdrawal and badly concealed attempt at avoiding them. what, did you think you could hang around them for so long, smiling through all the insults and 'jokes' and then decide to one day turn around and drop them like you weren't just following them around every corner the week before?

they latch onto you with an overwhelming fervour, following you into every room and into every meeting, even the one they're not supposed to be in. mess around with your files on purpose so you'd have no choice but to come to them and ask for your things back, manage to grab themselves an assignment with you as their partner, even sit right across you during your lunch break. it's like you can never escape them, no matter how hard you try.

just try quitting, or trying to cling onto someone else. just you try, and it'll be far from an amiable ending. they're both extremely cunning and determined, and it won't end well for anyone ecept themselves.

kunikida, akutagawa and chuuya are the type where they didn't mean to be harsh but because they are so flustered/confused they end up coming out very coldly when they tell you to scram or just stop blabbering. you were only trying to be conversative by mentioning the new café downstaira and asking about their weekend, but either because of the stress of work or their inability to deal with your questions of genuine interest and helpful comments, they usually end up responding rudely. chuuya for one is known to scoff and briskly walk away while you're busy talking, hoping you don't notice his flushed cheeks after you complimented his hair. akutagawa's go to response is to just stare at you and wait for you to trail off, thinking he either did not want to hear you ramble on or he just spaced out, and quickly leave. kunikida...depending on the time of the day and how much of dazai's work he has to clean up after, it's either a resigned sigh as you continue talking (he enjoys your company after a long day, although he'll never admit it) or a sudden, angry burst of words you can barely make out.

confessing to either three is awkward, but in the unlikely scenario that it does happen, despite your belief that they barely tolerated you, they're secretly thrilled but unable to respond, leaving you dejected and them panicked. regardless, when you decide enough is enough and you should probably stop bothering them when they don't seem to want you around, they immediately try to stop you.

for chuuya, this means suddenly transforming into the helpful senior, scaring away other employees who try to dump their work on you and people who try to befriend you, as long as they want to talk to you. your unimpressed reactions only spur him on, deciding if you had nobody else, you'd finally come back to him. for kunikida, this is more subtle, taking on your workload and leaving completed forms and files at your desk, placing an energy drink nearby or someting of the sort. he isn't so reckless as to scare away everyone around you, hoping you'd realize you might have misunderstood him because he was always stressed out and come to befriend him again, as he's smart enough to know frightening you away by coming on too strong is not the best way to go. akutagawa might struggle with the subtle approach, but he tries, really. he starts lingering around you, following you silently in an unintentionally creepy way, even when you go to get something to eat. he hopes thta by sticking around you long enough, you'd recognize his intentions as good and not...anything else.

tecchou and sigma initially wouldn't realize why you kept staring at them and immediately look away when they notice. they're confused by your sudden attention on them, not recognizing the glimmer in your eyes as growing attraction and the pep in your step as enthusiasm.

eventually though, it registers, and they're over the moon. i can see both of them being pleasantly surprised, and even if a romantic relationship isn't in their plans at the moment, they like and appreciate you as a friend. still, after you keep smiling at them and asking them to accompany you for lunch, seeing you do that to anyone else is...unsettling, at the least. especially because they know what kind of intentions these other people have.

suddenly, tecchou's glare feels extremely dangerous, almost like lasers burning into the back of whoever's got your attention, causing them to awkwardly excuse themselves and leave you alone once they catch sight of his intense stare. and sigma (he's a higher up here) is piling on an insane amount of work to your companion, happily accepting your invitation to go out to eat every day of the week, now that everyone else was conveniently so busy.

nikolai would actually entertain your feelings, more so out of boredom than anything else. it's easy with him, he catches on pretty quickly—the obvious interest in your tone when you talk to him, the way you hang on to every word like a devoted worshipper, the little gifts you had on hand for him—he'd be a fool not to notice! (he kinda is one, but that's besides the point) you won't have to worry about confessions going south or a cold rejection. nikolai showers you in affection from the start, treating you warmly, laughs with you and is always there by your side.

it almost comes naturally when you admit you like him and he only pulls you closer with the arm he has constantly around you. don't be fooled though, despite not having any 'actual' feelings for you yet, he is unbelievably possessive. if you are upset about anything and decide to sulk and ignore him, nikolai is happy to annoy you endlessly until you either give in and forgive him, or if he sees you trying to busy yourself with anyone else, he's quick to come up with a lost of creative ways to get the outsider out of your relationship with him.

with nikolai, there's a lot of spontaneous skipping out on work (that you miraculously never get in trouble for), unplanned adventures and general good times until, of course, someone else tries to meddle. maybe it's a nosy coworker who firmly believes workplace relationships are unprofessional, or a newbie who stupidly ignores the obvious signs of nikolai and you being together; whatever it is, you won't have to worry, nikolai will swifltly remove all the obstacles.

eventually, he decides that life is a lot more fun with you, his partner in crime, always by his side. this is when things will really take a turn, and you start to realize he's a lot more unhinged than you would have thought previously...

ranpo is a bit of an interesting one...he knows you like him, even if you do a good job at hiding it. he obviously takes advantage of your feelings, purposely trying to make you jealous just to see you all riled up, and asks you to do things for him knowing you wouldn't deny him.

he's so proud of himself, as though he charmed everyone around him, and doesn't hesitate to poke fun at you for liking him. not as maliciously as dazai and jouno, but mean enough that it has you blinking in shock at the way he rudely declares that he was out of your league, skipping away to eat some snacks.

obviously, when he acts so high and mighty, you'd think he would be pleased by you finally taking his advice on "focusing on work instead of staring at him with hearts in your eyes" (not like he was doing anything productive most of the time), but it's the opposite. he notices your absence almost immediately, and imagine his shock and humiliation when you, who was supposed to ttail him around like a puppy, happilly eating out of his hand, were now deciding these boring work files are more important than him.

somehow they even placed the intern that just started with you for training, and now that's all that you're focused on. showing the newcomer around, chatting with them, offering your help with tasks—it was like ranpo ceased to exist and it infuriated him. similarly, if you started spending time around/with someone else from the company (cough nikolai cough), it would annoy him just as much if not more, knowing exactly what kind of intentions they had.

ranpo turns his annoying abilities to the max, now being the one to follow you around everywhere and whines at you to pay attention to him, asking you to feed him snacks and also trying to feed you in return, demanding you accompany him for lunch so he doesn't get lost, and anything else to monopolise your time. eventually, even if you stay strong, whoever you spend your time with now can't handle ranpo's overbearing and unavoidable presence, driving them away. (it helps if he's like a valued employee here too)

fyodor is the type to not do anything about your crush, not until you become useful to him. he'll entertain it, sure, staring back at you with that disarming smile and curious eyes, brushing his hand against yours for a moment too long when you hand him things, sitting right next to you when you ask him to come over and look at something—he knows the hold he has over you and he loves it.

he thinks it's cute to see you so entranced and in awe by him, and he genuinely enjoys your company as he recognizes your genuine work ethic and passion, but even then he doesn't exactly hold the same feelings for you. this is him acting to keep you onterested because he knows someone who is so in love with him despite not really knowing him is a pawn he shouldn't lose.

maybe one day you realize you'd rather not ruin a good friendship by involving your feelings, but trying to distance yourself won't be fruitful and busying yourself with another person would only lead fyodor to threaten their livelihood and even their lives. fyodor is a very jealous and possessivs man, even though you're not dating, he still doesn't like the idea of anyone other than him using you and doesn't want to risk you forgetting him.

generally, though, nobody tries to mess with fyodor, because while he's all amiable and charming to you, to everyone else he's intense and brooding; unapproachable. he has this look that makes everyone feel inferior, like he thinks of them as pathetic creatures—which he does, but you...he could make some use of you yet. he's impressed by your strong will to be by his side for so long despite receiving no sign that he might like you at all...maybe it's time he rewarded you tor your devotion?

[trafficblr-confessions]

I'm sorry I just can't keep it in anymore, I need release - people need to Shut Up about the content creators and their personal dynamics.

A comment on one of the Takeout Trio/Skranchers vods (Jimmy's vod to be specific) was complaining about how they're so refreshed seeing him playing with people that are "actually nice" to him and how they're sick of all the picking on him and it just.. Jesus christ, butt out? Jimmy is a 27 year old man. He has known his friends for years and doesn't need any of us policing him on who he spends time with or how he spends time with them!

I get it, I really do: I love Jimmy and I love seeing how he's improved and am happy to see him keep going! That moment during the Hermit x Empires crossover when everyone kept saying the best parts of Tumble Town were the pranks genuinely made me feel a bit sick in my stomach because it's just really tough.. but I just click off. Because I know that we see a very limited portion of the interactions between these people in real life. Because I know that if anyone was genuinely uncomfortable about something, it wouldn't really be our business and that the CCs can talk to each other about it off camera.

Beyond that, I love seeing what the fandom does with it! I love seeing the angst, I love seeing the hurt/comfort, the hurt/no comfort.. but then people make it about the CCs or they completely mischaracterize the characters and it's just so-- disheartening.

This happens with a lot of CCs and Characters, but I'm more specifically thinking about Jimmy and Joel (mostly because they're who I watch a lot and I love these silly guys) and how everyone seems to think that nothing but malice stands between them and it's so? Telling? Of how many perspectives they get?

If you just watch Jimmy's or any-outside-the-dynamic povs you might think Joel is Just mean to him,, but like,, good GODS these MEN make me INSANE. First of all, all forms of Joel express their love via pranks and tomfoolery and whatnot. Have you HEARD some of his intros? How he talks about himself between player Joel and editor Joel?? He is mean, yes, but it's GENUINELY like a love language for that man I swear. Jesus christ. What is his deal. Additionally, anytime he visited Tumble Town to prank Jimmy, he almost always ends up complimenting the buildings and how far Jimmy has come and Oh My God this MAN.

Fuck this, this confession is turning into a Joel fan rant. I love Joel. All my homies love Joel. That silly man is an ogre with LAYERS. He has loyalty, but where it lies is less within session to session and more season to season. He can be careless, but it doesn't mean he doesn't Care. There's so many moments in so many series and it's just YAHAGEGEH. Mans is SO... GRGRGGRGRGRGGAAAAAAGH.

One of his intros was literally addressing the fans with "You're all stupid, I love you." completely deadpan. LET THIS MAN. LET THIS MAN OKAY. LET THIS MAN.

"Am I socially awkward?" YES. YES YOU ARE. YES HE IS. HE IS SO FUNKY AND HE LOVES HIS FRIENDS HE IS JUST AWKWARD AND SILLY. I DONT NEED TO BE COHERENT JUST WATCH HIS VIDEOS AMD YOU'LL KNOW.

Also I can't find the post or remember who posted it, but know that whoever the person is that said something about how in every universe and every life Joel recognizes and loves his wife and then there's just his death game assigned soulmate Etho, know that I love you.

End of confession or I won't shut up.

.

[ultimateloserboy]

do yall ever think about how duck has a very obvious bias towards red guy that he doesn’t have for anyone else? duck was following along with the electricity thing until red guy was like “hey youre not plugged in” and then duck IMMEDIATELY agreed with him. duck is a very selfish character and always thinks that he (and only he) is right about everything, but this doesnt apply to red guy for some reason. red guy is the only person duck will ever hear out. even when duck disagrees with him he isnt as harsh on red guy as he would be to anyone else. in the transport episode for example, duck very much DID NOT want to go anywhere. he argued, sure, but in the end he let red guy use the car with him in it. duck would not do that shit for anyone else. if anyone else was driving that car and he didnt want to go, he would be shattering windows to get out. duck doesnt do things that he doesnt want to do, unless its for red guy, and then hes angry about it but he does it anyway. is he annoying about it? yes. but he still let red guy drive him. and that says a lot about how biased he is.

my favorite example of this is in the friendship episode when red guy says “you said you weren’t going to talk to him like that anymore” which implies that at some point, DUCK, THE BIGGEST STUBBORN ASS ON THE PLANET, had a discussion with red guy and agreed to not make fun of yellow guy anymore. did he follow through? no, but just the fact that he agreed in the first place is astounding. he wouldnt do that for anyone but red guy. and then later he says “dont turn on me” in response to red guy scolding him which isnt very relevant i just think its really funny. theyre a gayass old married couple but i digress

anyway, i think its interesting that red guy makes duck a slightly better person. red guy isnt a good person either but hes on the better end compared to duck and sometimes he drags duck up to his level. red guy might be a bit of an ass but hes easily redeemable, and by slightly bettering duck, he doesnt make duck a good person, but he does make duck more redeemable. basically he gets duck closer to being a good person.

i like the reflection of this too, because duck makes red guy an even worse person. red guy is also very easily swayed by duck. sometimes he’ll scold duck into being slightly better, but sometimes duck will persuade him into being worse, and it all depends on how theyre feeling in the moment. the biggest example of this is in the bigger boys room. the red guy we usually see would normally discourage duck from torturing the little blob thing, and even if our duck might not be against it, hed be less inclined to go along with it if red guy disagreed. however both of the big boys could not care less, theyre bored and have nothing to do but jab shit into their experiment thing. red guy doesnt care what duck does anymore. and dont get me wrong, saying its ducks fault that red guy became like this is taking away his responsibility. red guy became like this because he was already heading down that path himself. but i think its interesting that depending on whos persuading the other, they either get better or worse. it shows how theres good and bad in both of them. they effect eachother more than people think, and they probably dont even realize it.

[moonshynecybin]

"he hasnt gotten laid properly in since 2015" <- this is soooooo crucial and also so heartbreaking. like not even the sex proper but the intimacy. and also i like to think (maybe delulu) that vale finding this out (by accident/slip of tongue) is what makes him start rethinking the whole situation... bc no matter how vehemently he hates marc he has eyes and can see just how hot he is (our whole scenario hinges on that). marc can get anyone and anything he wants, and yet... if you told vale in 2015 that marc went celibate over their break up he'd laugh his ass off, but a vale ten years older- like that's definitely an extreme reaction and THAT'S not his fault but. it wasn't that bad. no reason to not get a life

marc:

context here and here

i do think marc is genuinely like. a uhaul lesbian in many respects to the people he keeps close in his life lmao. like he chooses your ass and you are there forever!!! a lil possessive methinks! same team from like 17 until the bike was actively trying to kill him and even few years after that. still reaching out to vale years 2015-2018! he's sooo one and done and in this scenario him and valentino have been "casually" (NAWT casual to either of them but they do not talk about it) fucking on and off for a bit (TWO YEARS..) and it truly. does not occur to marc that it might end or that he might get dropped at the curb and have to reckon with a world without valentino in his life (or god forbid as his enemy). marc marquez situationship victim.

so yeah him and vale break up and its awful and terrible and after 2018 he does the marc thing. which is shut that part of him down like gangbusters. truly i dont need to be loved anymore i want to WIN. and unfortunately for marc once he's not winning he is . unrelentingly miserable and in pain and sad and struggling. and he gets surgery and the bike gets better when he goes to gresini and back to honda but it was bad. for a while. and he still isnt getting laid lol

so someone (ON GOD. no idea who. bc you could not waterboard that out of marc lol) lets it slip that marc doesnt really. get laid. ever. and vale (slut, sex-haver) is like lol that cannot be true (HD flashbacks of marc young eager sloppy big eyed in his bed playing against his eyelids). realizations dawning. so he waits until ummmm the end of year gala when they are all niiiiice and tipsy and corners marc and asks him without actually asking him. and marc doesnt confirm it but it is CLEAR. that lil homie gay ass has not in fact slept with anyone before or since.

and then. i think our man valentino gets a little crazy about it. picturing marc. remembering. thinking about how like. lonely and miserable he must have been during his injury and how valentino was the last and only person to get to touch him like that. its a lil problematic but it is crucially sexy. this is also when marc notices vale like. staring at him all the time and the wheels start turning about the weird convo at the gala. so he activates slut mode and vale gets even more insane about it and starts walking into doorways bc marc is doing shirtless stretches in tiny shorts and putting his leg up fully behind his head. so OBVIOUSLY vale's gotta fuck him. as like. a humanitarian effort

[cator99]

I love making phone calls I love sending emails and being overall pleasant to interact with I love looking for solutions and being eager to understand how the world around me operates and to ask people about the role they play in this beautiful world I love being able to tell that other people are excited for any reason at all to strut their shit in this way and I always take notes on how they do it. It's all so funny to me. I am doing this because I am an insane person. I am the best person for the job. I am like the inverse of Jude St Francis. Born in a wet cardboard box doomed fucked in the head and forced to make an accommodation with life BUT I think its cunty and will commit awesomely violent ritual seppuku when my life is at its absolute peak. But yeah I dont get anxiety anymore if I dont like something it I can just thank them for their time and then find a way to leave and literally do anything else no one really cares as long as you do it right and you know like you can just keep looking for better things you literally never know you might turn out to be really passionate about fish mongering and didnt even consider it and it's not always easy but if the alternative is unbearable then fuck it pack a bag and stick your thumb out on the highway and spend 2 hours chatting about life with a fat 60 year old semi truck driver with photos of his happy fatty family plastered over the entirety of his dashboard and who was concerned why some kid was wandering the highway without a jacket and is nothing but totally kind and appropriate towards you which you kind of didnt expect when you hit the road but then you get to the city and go to an orgy party at some xi/xirs apartment who you met while on a psychiatrist-approved leave to attend an LGBT youth summer camp during the tail end of your 4 month stay at a youth mental health/detention facility but you can't stay there because his 40 year old housemate just announced that he's moving to the states and suddenly wouldnt be contributing to next months rent and didn't want to say anything until the night before when his boxes were being actively moved out of the apartment in order to avoid any sort of confrontation and the resulting altercation is heart breaking this 40 year old workig professional gay dude just absolutely betrayed this screwed up teenaged lesbian with no hesitation but maybe the drug fuelled sex parties had something to do with it but im just there stoned watching some tv show about anthropomorphic fast food and xe really did care about me but this was not the time to be pulling some cutesy whimsical runaway shit so we said our goodbyes and xe gave me directions the youth emergency shelter. As far as I was concerned, I was living the dream. This was just the "hard" part. I broke the high score on the ancient tetris machine at the day-shelter and barely ate anything because they relied entirely on donations and for whatever reason nobody thought to donate anything gluten free. I slept in the girls quarters of the cold shelter we were taken to every night, driven in huge vans by the staff at the day shelter. The girls were primarily quiet and didnt want to talk or even look at anyone. Some of the native girls were chill to play board games or watch tv with though. The guys were real rough. Mostly drug addicts. Mostly violent. They were known for treating each other terribly. I was told I could "use whatever rooms or washrooms that align with your gender identity". I told them I'd rather use the room that made me less likely to have me end up raped or my pillow pissed on.

[angy-grrr]

Idk if i'm just crazy but i noticed that there is a pattern with something that Uraraka does, is punctuated immediately after something Katsuki did before to Izuku and vice versa. I feel like this somehow highlights a difference between their intention and meaning for him. Like i'm sure this might be just a big coincidence but still.

well who knows really! The first thing that comes to mind to me is how Ochako helped Deku when he fell at the beginning, by being on the side/ behind him and using her quirk to avoid it, and Katsuki holding him facing each other, running to get to him faster than the rest -including Iida, whose quirk is literally about that!

But also the whole Deku thing; personally, because the author admitted he didnt intent to have Katsuki as a positive part of Izuku's life at first, I believe the reason for these introductions was clear: Bekugou, his childhood friend, opposes him and creates "Deku" as an insult to put him down, and will always mean that to him, while Ochako, a new friend he meets when starting his hero school, changes it creating something new and fresh so Izuku can have a motivation.

Non supporting VS Supporting. Out of his life VS In his life. Old VS New. Hopelessness VS Hope. Static VS Change.

You name it.

But then the author changes his mind, and Katsuki isn't just the rival anymore, and all of the sudden "Deku" has many layers; "Deku" also means the one that does his best alone, isolated and overworked, and even tho apparently this has shifted since the current chapters...

Slight manga spoilers, not too much tho (I guess??):

idk, Izuku still was ready to get up alone and fight if Aizawa didnt stop him to give him the T-shirt and remind him they are there. He was running alone, and others have to go to him (in this case, Iida) in order to help him, because he is still not asking for help at all.

It has been brought up again, the meaning Ochako gave it, and im not 100% sure if this is her remembering, Izuku, or the three of them -probably the last one? Iida seems to understand now what Ochako meant back then, and they see it in a positive light (which was the intention!), but for Izuku doing the best can mean many things. What's the best he can do? Act like All Might was his first answer, but that didn't work. Saving others? He knows heroes should do this, but with how unclear things are I dont know if he is aware the class would support his decision of saving a villain -after all, as far as we know, he doesn't tell anyone because he wants to share it with someone, but because someone else admitted it first.

Uraraka confessed that first, and showed that vulnerability without knowing how he could react [and honestly, it looked in that moment like she was mainly expressing herself outloud], and after that he ended up also sharing a similar feeling he had about villains and saving. What I mean is that he doesn't say shit unless someone else was vulnerable first.

Ochako wasn't going out to talk to anyone about it either, lets get that straight, but when she was asked by one of her best friends she lets herself be at least a little; she saw Izuku meant something "slightly" different than her, so she doesnt tell him how she envied her genuine smile, her freedom to be herself, love who she loves, or how she thought she was actually cute. She knew it was better to not talk about that because he had no interest in that, so she keeps it to herself knowing she will fight to make sure Himiko hears her this whole thing would be a part of the izuku and ochako meta kjfskjflajflksja

This happened too with Katsuki during their second fight; after Katsuki was emotional and falling apart, confessing such intimate and sad emotions with him, that's when Izuku couldn't help himself and ended up also putting his guard down. And still, he held back a crucial part -he didnt say he acts like him without even trying, and even tho everyone would see it as nasty and bad, he can't hate those things, those parts oh himself, because they are parts of Katsuki, his symbol of victory, what he sees as the best form of heroism. Despite Katsuki explaining he's confused and insecure over his main theme -victory-, and worries about it being not only unworthy but also the reason their idol "ended"... He held back.

He lost because of that.

Its interesting the contrast between those two scenes in terms of emotional vulnerability and reactions, before a war ochako and izuku are much calmer and distant than katsuki and izuku after getting back from a successful rescue. In the first case nothing actually changed between them -im not talking about the nature of the relationship but just the general apparent feelings and status. They are friends who share ideals and common interest before and after the talk, and the only one who was more reflective about it was Ochako who prefers to discuss it with Himiko than him -its more about them anyways. Izuku stays the same, as far as we know, because he thinks she also "just"* felt empathy for someone that was sad and alone, and we can't see this affecting him or shifting something between them.

His emotional moments with Katsuki? They do change everything every time -when he said he was going to be a hero, when they start to get closer, after the war "Deku" becoming "izuku", embracing what makes the other great, etc.

*Its a huge deal and really important, im not trying to minimize his motivations or ideas, just point out how their feelings and conflicts are different and similar -at this point we don't see Midoriya admiring Shigaraki in any way thru this whole story. The manga hasn't ended and he is unreliable, so maybe im wrong and he admires qualities about him he learns later on, but right now for me Izuku wants to bring him support because he is a human and nobody should get treated like he was.

Ochako and Katsuki also have different roles in his rescue, with him bringing him back to them and her showing everyone he is a boy that needs help. Izuku was moved by both actions, and thanks to Uraraka he gets to the shelter.

Their fight was also interesting! Ochako was thinking about winning this, yet she tried to follow Izuku's ideas and lost after trying something way too risky for her, because she ended up ignoring her own judgement and limits out of insecurity and admiration; when Katsuki tries to use his strategies in the wars tho, he is able to achieve what he wanted -he saves Izuku from getting stabbed, saves All Might from getting crushed by AFO, before dying he gets to weaken some parts of Shigaraki's body for the rest to use, etc.

Its not that he loses himself, he just tries something new that works for him, and im happy Ochako ended up realizing she needs to keep in mind what she needs and wants when taking inspiration from Midoriya. Even if similar, their feelings for "their" villains are different, and that's okay.

Katsuki now doesnt call him Deku unless he refers to his hero name, and prefers to use his first name while Ochako keeps using Deku-kun when talking to him or says directly his full name like in her talk with Himiko where she explains some parts of her life.

Even if "Deku" comes from "Izuku", the latter is closer, new for them, a little challenging at times, and shows respect, recognition and reaffirms his humanity over his heroism. "Deku-kun" sounds like "you can do it", a supportive name that comes from a misunderstanding from the beginning, and keeps getting used as she hasn't change her perspective about him in that way. He is still Deku-kun to her, but now Izuku to him.

Change VS Static.

Huh, I wonder where that came from.

[triplewdotgay]

Porpuse?

Gaz x reader (can be gn or fem reader, but I wrote it with male reader in mind.)

TW: Angst..? Not really..? there’s a mention of reader’s cousin dying in action, and some references to ptsd if you squint your eyes REALLY hard

btw I wrote this at 1am and havent proof read it so dont expect much from me.

And Gaz only really gets mentioned at the end?

Can be romantic or platonic. It’s mostly lore about the reader lol (at this point it’s an oc)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You joined the military with a porpuse.

To change the world, to protect those you care about, to protect those that care about you.

The whole ordeal had always been presented to you like a heroic deed, something taken out of the Illiad or simply a cool action movie. Your family only feeded onto this, talking about the army like it was some kind of god-like association meant to save us all — you only now realised that looking back at these memories which shaped your life only bitterness swallows you.

A sixteen year old kid, with a whole life ahead, and you look in the mirror and you wonder, what happened? as you turned older, as you lost all porpuse.

Maybe not all porpuse? you still had people behind you, people you cared about, people that cared about you.

You realised how awful everything is, how the reality of that life is nothing like what it was painted to you. Every day that went by was a new oportunity to feel more disgusted than the last day. Still, you couldn’t leave. What would your family think?

Years went by, and slowly you realised you had lost all of your friends. Maybe it was the unavoidable distance that your job might have created, or maybe it was your own neglect as the world seemed to turn darker every hour, and small jokes here and there between you and those that worked alongside you could only cover so many cracks for so much time.

Soon, you had no life outside of whatever monster you had become, but you were now a sergeant! congrats!

and you were a good soldier, so good of a soldier, actually, that you could even qualify for the SAS!

You thought you had seen everything.

Qualify for the SAS you did.

If you could only go back and never do anything at all.

You never liked causing harm, you never liked shooting those people — yes, they were bad, but did they deserve death? did you deserve death aswell? innocent people died in the crossfire too, and you could’ve avoided it: you just had to be faster, you just had to be stronger, you just had to be better.

Better, be better. There’s no time to sit around and cry, you’re in the middle of a war. Stand up, you’re no child, grab a gun and do as you’re told. War waits for no man, and you will be left behind.

Just like the rest of your life. At this point you’re not the sixteen year old you were when you joined with your hopes all high up. You’re a grown man. Your mama died, your father cant even call anymore, one of your siblings wont talk to you and the other leads the same kind of busy life. Your cousin? the one that joined with you? he died long ago, three bullets: one to his head and two through his chest. As if the enemy had been having their fun with him, and in the darkest night when you’re sleeping you can hear their laugh and their taunting voice as they reminded you: you have nothing left.

You had nothing left.

You had lost all porpuse.

You can’t change the world, you can’t protect those you care about, you’re not even sure there’s anyone left to care about you. You have your team, of course, but too many have died for you to trust any of it to be really worth it.

You ponder over this at night, in a place you’re not meant to be in at a time you’re not meant to be awake, and you could not care less.

“Tough night?” You hear a gruff voice behind you, and none other than sergeant Garrick sits next to you.

The two of you never really talked, and you never actually had to work together, but you knew each other. The man had a rep, you know? and as much as it gave you a nasty feeling, you did too.

“Just thinking.”

What a dry answer, but he doesn’t seem to mind. You don’t dare look over at him, but if you had, you would’ve noticed that he doesn’t, either.

“Ah, bad dreams.” The little smile in his tone is quite easy to place, and it’s hard to know how to feel about it.

“Are you speaking from experience, or something?” What a dumb question, of course he is.

He simply laughs bitterly, the same kind of laugh that you had thrown a thousand times: an angry laugh, and neither of you really know what exactly you’re angry about.

It’s hard to tell when silence was overrided by your voices, but words turned to sentences that turned to lenghty conversations, and seconds turned to minutes turned into hours turned into the two of you sharing stories about things long gone neither of you really dared to touch before then.

Not everything about him was perfect tho, and you saw some key differences. He still has some level of hope that he can change something, and he still has countless numbers of people he cares about, he’s way more talented than you would ever give yourself the credit to be, and he is so, so, so very easy to talk to. Too easy to talk to.

As time went by he started to check up on you, and every time you were more interested. He was sweet, more than sweet. He was caring.

Yes, your life is terrible right now: you have seen things no other man has, you have done things no one should have ever done, and you have protected and fought alongside people to whom in any other instance you would’ve thrown up to.

but it felt damn good to know someone out there gave a shit.

Maybe, just maybe, you had just a little bit of hope.

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Thanks for reading!

English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes or if you have any tips and you tell me about them I would greatly appreciate it!

I might make this into an actual series with yk… actual interactions, but idk. You can tell me if you liked it ^^