#i dont like food!!!! i dont like food and thinking about it makes me sick.
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the morning after luigi mangione x reader (18+)
summary!!! part two of is it new years yet because you do not get back together just cuz he has good dick OMG 🖕🖕🖕🖕😒 he also has a great personality and loves eating pussy
warnings: smut, kinda angsty, he’s manipulative but honestly he’s such a nice guy, you should really give him a second chance
^ not edited let’s alll just practice gratitude 🙏
seven days, thirteen hours, and nine minutes and thirty six seconds.
that’s how long it had been since luigi had seen you. not that he’d been counting, he was truly trying to be normal about the distance this time around.
he replays the morning after on a loop, searching for the slightest hint he’d done something wrong to no avail. as a matter of fact, your quiet body was beside him until deep into the afternoon, nothing but soft snores exchanged between the two of you. he wakes before you, kissing your forehead before taking his leave. his frat brothers whistle at him as he enters the wretchedly messy house, throwing him a water.
“happy new year, big guy,” one of them, hasan, greets. “did’ya spend your night thinking about new goals or scoring the same one?”
luigi rolls his eyes. “fuck off.”
another brother chimes in, bright-eyed. “when are we meeting her?”
“in your dreams.”
he had no intention of sharing you in any way; the thought of anyone else even looking at you irritated him. but starting the new year off by your side was far too great a fate to be stoic about. he grabs a plate of what’s left of their shitty communal breakfast (jar salsa from the night before, scrambled eggs, and two pieces of mostly burnt toast) and brings it into your room.
“y/n,” he calls out while entering. the door to the bathroom is now closed, and he sees your shadow shuffling around the room.
hesitant, the door creaks open. youre back in your black minidress, holding onto your heels. “hey, pretty.”
“hi,” you say tightly, the mistakes and soreness from the night before lingering in your mind. you’ve just wiped away the tears still streaked on your face, yet your ex-boyfriend hardly looks hungover.
“dressed up just for me?” he jokes, kissing your cheek. he offers you the plate of food but you shake your head.
“lacy’s waiting for me. i’ve got to go.”
“stay,” he says, his voice honey-sweet, like the boyfriend you knew months ago. it makes you feel sick, the familiarity of it all suffocating you. the room feels too small.
you push away from him. “i have to go.”
“baby,” he drops everything he’s holding to grab you again. “what’s wrong? is everything alright?”
he always blows your mind with his audacity. “no, everything’s not alright, luigi,” you spit back. “we shouldn’t have—none of that should’ve happened.”
“what do you mean?”
“luigi,” you sigh. “we’re over, alright? it’s done.”
“y/n—”
“i mean it,” you raise your voice so slightly, but still it breaks. “you cheated on me, then pulled all this shit, i can’t do it anymore.”
“you can’t do it anymore? are you serious?”
“yes!”
“you ignored me for weeks then showed up at my fucking party, dressed like that,” his voice was low, but angry. brows furrowed, he doesn’t lose his grip on you. it scares you. “you can’t tell me you weren’t bartering for my attention.”
“i wasn’t.”
his jaw sets. “then who’s?”
“oh my god. nobody’s!”
“don’t fucking lie to me—”
“lu, stop, seriously.” your voice trembles this time, and you both notice it. he drops your hand.
“i didnt mean to hurt you,” he says, soft at your upset. “i swear—i dont remember cheating on you. i’m not gonna mess up like that again, i promise.”
he leans in to kiss you, to seal the pledge with his gentle touch, but you pull back. “it doesn’t matter that you didn’t mean to hurt me—you did. you can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.“
his big brown eyes bear into yours and he swears, “i can make it up to you.”
“luigi,” you hadn’t even realized you’d been crying until he brings his hands up to wipe your tears away. “i just don’t think this is a good idea, i’m sorry.”
“come on,” he says, frowning. “i love you. only you.” his lean-in to kiss you is successful this time. the kiss feels much better—softer—than last night’s. he’s gentle with his desperation, intent on making you stay. “‘m sorry, okay?” he says between kisses. “let me make it better.”
“no, luigi, we shouldn’t—”
“you’ve got to hear me out, y/n,” he takes your lips again. his hot kisses move down your neck—and it all feels so different this time around. even the air in the room feels lighter. his voice is against your ear when he swears, “i’ll be good to you, sweetheart, i promise.”
saying no to him is near impossible—it’s why you shut yourself off of him for weeks, avoiding places he frequented, deactivating your social media, ignoring his constant stream of messages and calls. now, he has you, and within minutes, you’re pressed against the wall again.
“feels good?” he teases, grinding his hard-on into your core. you melt underneath him, you can’t help it, he’s so warm.
“lu,” you whimper. you’re still sensitive from how selfishly he took you the night before, you can’t help but react to his touch so quickly. it felt so raw.
“wait—” he never does. his hands are on your hips again, moving your body against his.
“just let me take care of you,” he says, trailing kisses down your neck again. this time, he was sure to leave marks.
he keeps the dress on this time. he places you back onto the bed, and as you gather the courage to take him in again, he moves beneath you.
“knew i recognized these,” his voice hot against the fabric of your panties.
you told yourself the lacy black panties were just meant to match the dress, but it all seemed so intentional—the party crash, the kitchen drive-by, the fact that you were wearing his valentines day gift. whether this was a manifestation of your greatest fear or desire, you couldn’t tell.
he kisses your thighs, then runs his tongue against your core through the fabric of your panties before ceremoniously ripping them off. he kisses and sucks at your wetness. you tremble at the suddenness of his movement. his big nose is so prominent in your pussy, you can’t help but grind yourself against his perfect face and whine as he drinks you in.
“you’re such a fucking mess,” luigi says, smiling into your warmth. his unshaven stubble tickles your sensitive cunt, sending a tremor through you. “so wet, i’ve barely even touched you.”
“i can’t help it,” you whimper.
he grabs your ass, pulling you closer to his relentless mouth. it’s ridiculous how good he feels. he’s completely shameless in his endeavor to ruin you.
“look at me,” luigi orders, so you do. you look down to see him, finding that he’s already gotten to touching himself. his hard length at the edge of the bed, furiously red, as he strokes himself. “i think about you everyday,” he admits in between licking at your core. “i missed how this pretty pussy tasted. i missed having you like this. holding you down so you can’t squirm away. missed hearing you beg.”
you’re almost there, fidgeting underneath his hands. “luigi, please. it’s too much.”
“you’ve taken worse,” he growls into you.
he feels like he’s on fire. one hand moves up and down along his cock fervently, while the other lends itself to fingering your frothing pussy. you mewl at the sudden entry, back arching.
“luigi,” you whine. “please.”
“i’m trying to do a nice thing for you, y/n,” he hums, “but you want me to be selfish, hm? want me to take you?”
“yes,” you say, breathless.
“fuckin’ slut,” he grumbles, pulling himself away from your wet cunt. he grabs your ankles and pulls you to the edge of the bed. “what d’you want from me, huh?”
“want you.”
“course you do,” luigi says, surprising you with hard slaps against your sensitive clit. you cry out at the sensation, the unfamiliar storm of bliss and torment, and he chuckles darkly. “you fuckin’ belong to me.”
he grabs your chin and forces you into another kiss, your wetness now staining you both. he lifts your leg up and slides himself back into your wet warmth. “you’re dripping,” he praises as he pounds into you. the exhilarating pain sets your senses alight, you grip onto him tighter without even realizing. “all for me, yeah?”
“all for you.” you nod. this is not how you expected this conversation to go. you writhe at how big he is, how hard.
“you can take it,” he grunts. he’s not fast, this time—his thrusts are agonizingly slow and tortuously deep—just as you think it’s all entirely too much, one hand grips your clothed tit, the other lifts to cradle your chin, forcing your lips to part open. he spits into your mouth. “swallow,” he orders.
you do.
“good girl,” he places sloppy, wet kisses along your jaw, your neck, then goes to bite at your tits. “so fuckin’ pretty.”
“i thought about you too,” you admit sheepishly, out of your mind. he looks up at you, raises his eyebrows, urging you to go on. “i missed you.”
to your surprise, he scoffs. “fuckin’ bitch.” he suddenly loses the interest in being gentle with you, returning to your body rough and angry. his fingers massage against your clit, unraveling you. “you’re just as crazy as i am, you know that? running around town like you don’t belong to me. like you don’t touch yourself late at night thinking about this cock. wishing those fingers were half as good as mine, huh? fuckin’ idiot.”
“luigi,” you cry out. was this him being nice?
“be a good girl f’me,” he grunts. he feels you pulse around his cock and drives into you with even more force. “cum all over me, baby. have my fuckin’ kids.”
“luigi,” you mewl again, desperate for release.
“come on, pretty, show me how good it feels.”
his lips return to yours, hot wet and desperate, as he cums inside of you. you’re a complete mess—squirming and whimpering as you unravel onto his cock, he catches your moans with kisses and leaves you shaking underneath him.
“good girl,” he hums, kissing your forehead.
for a fleeting moment, the two of you are perfect. everything feels just right. he slips into the spot beside you, the disarray of tangled sheets forgotten as he pulls you into his warmth. you sink into the nape of his neck, and though there are no more words spoken, the air is thick with an undeniable love, quiet but all encompassing.
but when he stirs awake, reaching for you, all that lingers is the soft, fading smell of your spring perfume.
send requests ! <3
#shoutout hasanabi#sexy ho#luigi mangione x reader#luigi is a sweetheart it’s true#luigi mangione x y/n#luigi mangione smut#free luigi mangione#free luigi#luigi mangione#luigi mangione fanclub#luigi fanart#luigi mangione fanart#luigi mangione imagine#luigi mangione fic
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part of me is like "wow I really must be faking this mental illness for attention" when I literally live alone and do not speak about my issues to anyone ever . bitch whose attention do you want .
#“idk if i have a personality disorder” << girl who has not felt like a real person all day#and purposefully tries to “fake it” back to “normal” and cannot.#yeah im not cam actually i domt want to be cam.#i know things about jrwi and the ocean and can draw without getting super exhausted and like the taste of food .#tried 2 do. mac things. to convicne myself we are not actually a system and i am actually just mac being stupid and dramatic.#we have 3 asks abt jrwi on main. started typing something and could not remember any of the characters names.#started watching an ocean documentary. got bored as fuck and turned it off.#have had csp open ALL DAY and have not finished a sinlge drawing.#ughhhhhghhhh. im wasting our weekend by sitting on the couch not being productive. zac and mac are gonna be so mad at meeeeeeee#i havent had the . medical anxiety in a while either but every little ache and pain and whatever im like ah fuck okay we're dying#we may have . arthritis. i dont know . joints have been consistently hurting for like a week now .#i also have not eaten since . 11am which is probably why we feel like garbage rn but#i dont like food!!!! i dont like food and thinking about it makes me sick.#i dont want to be hereeeeeee. i had to be here for two whole days of work this week . its someone elses turn.#🪞#UGHGHH
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On average, what is the total MONTHLY amount that you spend on dining out*?
*(This doesn't only count going out to restaurants, but also stuff like picking up fast food to bring home, getting a coffee on the way to work, getting a premade sandwich from a grocery store deli during lunch, buying a quick snack from a convenience store or food cart whilst walking somewhere, ordering a pizza or any other food to be delivered to your home, etc.)
*(If you often dine out in groups/as a household: calculate and divide the costs so that you get a Per Person average. This is for YOU individually, NOT the total household/group costs)
(I'm sure polls similar to this have been made before (very common topic), I just haven't personally seen one that I can remember, so, I was curious to do my own! I was discussing this with a group of people today and it was very interesting to see how widely the number varied between individuals. :0c )
(Reblog for bigger sample size if you can, and feel free to explain your answer in tags if there's anything extra to add!)
#polls#tumblr polls#I'm mostly in the 0/1 - 25$ category. Maybe the rare month is a bit over $25 if there's something specific going on like birthday.#Which I'm NEVER eating in an actual restaurant (erm... covid... plus I just hate restaurant environments. i would rather pickup#the food and bring it home to a peaceful quiet environment that I control lol). But more typically like stopping by a grocery store deli#section or something. I don't have coffee that much. And I can't eat fast food much due to my health issues/diet restriction stuff#so if I'm out like coming back from an appointment and I start feeling really sick and weak. I know that a hamburger will just#blow up my system and cause nausea or something. So I try to pick the breadiest most#neutral looking turkey sandwich at the safeway deli to eat during the hour ride home or whatever lol#I actually kind of wish I could do stuff like get food more often vecause it would take the burden of cooking everything off of me#but.. alas... Money... and Health Things... T o T#I still wouldn't do it ALL the time but like... once a week instead of once a month or something.. or maybe turning into a coffee#person.. I do love drinks A LOT .. i am a drink person who will have 5 different drinks sipping on at all times#But i just have to make them all myself mostly lol#And I cant really have too much coffee since it will make me sick. so like.. teas and juice mostly#When I inevitably become a millionaire by never using social media never networking and only finishing one#sculpture every 5 months which I dont even post about or sell - then I shall... get more drinks..#I will somehow wean my body onto coffee and drink one a day solely for the ritual of it#Though even then... I would still probably just like.. buy the mateirals to make it at home or something#Like if you had a million dollars you could just buy a kitchen grade ice cream machine and other stuff to make your own milkshakes and#coffees and smoothies and bubble teas. Genuinely I think even if I were a BILLIONAIRE I would still look at playing likr $8 for a single#coffee and go .. uh.... I could just buy the equipment to make this and then save that money. PLUS. its in my house now so no need to#have to leave. I can make my own drinks in the comfort of home. .. ideal..#Like no matter how rich I ever got I would still have the lingering scroogey stinginess. like i am NOT paying for that. I will jus#make it myself. Especially if it was an Everyday thing. Anythign thats part of my routine I try to optimize and make as efficient as#possible... ANYWAY.. In an IDEAL world I would get treats. but probably not that much. as on a daily basis it would start to get#to me and I would just save up to buy kitchen machinery if I was rich lol
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family 🥺#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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youtube
hai guys :3
#my video lol#my audio lol#vocaloid cover#synthv cover#synthesizer v cover#genbu#genbu synthv#evil food eater conchita#i am forcing everyone to look at this. look at my guy ehehehhkjnjkhgmlb AFTER TWO WHOLE ASS YEARS FINALLY#i couldve probably put more effort into this but ITS BEEN IN HERE FOR 2 YEARS i wanna be done w/ it already 😭#so regardless if it kinda sucks a little bit; its wayyy better than the covers i made like ~4? years ago when i was first starting out#was the iku drawing i posted before this foreshadowing?? not necessarily but its rly funny to think abt in hindsight#also rip genbu in a dress that i was gonna draw for this originally 😔✌️ i'd really love to draw more stuff for these covers i make#but it usually never comes out the way i want it to and i figure editing some sorta visualizer like this is better#than keeping some things trapped in my files for so long purely bc my extra ass wants a cool pv. some day maybe but not now#some sick fuck unsubscribed from me after i posted this BYE BITCH i dont miss you at all. live laugh love genbu in this house /j#im not the most obnoxious genbu stan i'd say but you WILL respect him in my house i do not tolerate genbu slander i love that man your hono#yes im extremely based bc he (and eleanor) were THE very first vsynths i ever actually fucked around w/ programwise#but WHATEVER!! idc he is so dear to me i do not regret buying his full version at all (it was impulsive)#the only synth i'd actually consider myself kinda good at tuning LMAO ik people hate how he sounds and have issues w/ him but not me...#these tags are too long girl stfu. anyways tldr; look at silly thang i made w/ my silly man#i love genbu and i love songs about cannibalism <3#Youtube
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i think if i go to work today i may actually explode or turn into a puddle of mush or some other sort of physical manifestation of a mental breakdown
#i mean i will still go it wouldnt be fair on my coworkers#but fucking hell i dont want toooooo#so anxious!!!! and for what!!!!!#did maybe have a little cry at work yesterday and yet that apparently wasnt enough to get it out of my system#i hate customers can they go die please#sick of being humiliated constantly!!!! all my life ive felt constantly humiliated!!!! humiliated as a child continue to be humiliated by my#disabilities and body malfunctioning as an adult!!!! and now humiliated everyday by rich middle class customers who think they are better#than me and that anyone who works in fast food must be stupid!!!!! which is not true!!!!! but even if it was thats no reason to look down#on someone!!!!!!#hateeee that i feel like i as a person am being sold as a product too hate that i have to have a name badge and be perceived want to hide#under my covers in my flat and only think about a-yao forever#how a-yao put up with constant and worse humiliation for so long is actually insane#<-linking everything back to ayao to make me feel better lol
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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Okay
#i think i know part of whats bothering me about it#so like. my ex Knows Knows that i Can Not accept food from others#idrk why thats the case but#accepting food as a gift makes me feel sick to my stomach#and especially from my ex's friend like#he should have told them not to#and like maybe he did and they just didnt listen and bulldozed thru it cause thats the type of person that they are#which is a big thing about them that i dont like#but idk#i think I'm overthinking this#I'm stressed#I'm So Fucking Stressed
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i ate a lot today, not as much as other days, but still im disappointed with myself and starting to feel sick. why cant i be good at restriction? god this makes me wanna sh so fucking bad
#tw s3lf harm#i dont even feel sick from eating too much like usual#its like the feeling of food in my stomach is making my throat feel tight and its activating my gag reflex a bit so i feel like im gonna tu#tw 3d shit#tw 3d vent#3d ana#not exactly pro a*a but not anti either.. :/#i want to post more in this community and get mutuals and get help with navigating this whole thing but im scared cause ive seen#so many people have their whole accounts deleted and i think i would actually kms if that happened since ive had my main for like 8 years#and to be clear im very pro recovery#which i know i know conflicts with the whole wanting mutuals to *help* me with an ed and not help me to *not* have an ed#i think everyone deserves to recover and i hope i do but right now is just not fucking it for me#so for not its a whole lotta#male thinpo#slef harm#right and i definitely cant talk about being b p d uncensored or ill get reported cause the b*d community is super toxic but in the way that#slef harm and scars are chillin but eds are actually a real struggle™️ and you should have it in secret like everyone else#not to generalize all pw b*pd obviously many and probably most arent like this#but tumblr is a very concentrated dose of that kinda person and its sad for us pw b*pd that are both kinds of toxic LMAO#i joke of course#anyway yeah pro recovery for sure but not currently in recovery#ana moots#body chex#someone who could help with that maybe idk im also kinda shy so maybe just someone to help me with restrictions and staying accountable#at least for now#also if you sh all the better cause i will wanna talk about that too#also to clarify my earlier statement 'not pro a*a' means i dont think and 3d is a lifestyle and i recognize that im sick#but 'not exactly anti' means im not going to avoid these communities or report people in them for being pro#because thats about as effective as throwing out an addicts stash or hiding sharp objects from a chronic sh'r- theyll still find a way#and probably way easier and faster than you think and theyll feel even more alienated and less inclined to seek help
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Goodnight wonderful people who live in my phone!!!
#im sappy and you guys are so cool ;-;#im a bit of a hermit and really bad at meeting with (or moved far from) irl friends so my connections on here have been really meaningful#dont know how to say that without sounding like a loser but i promise its a good thing lol#but anyway i queued a post earlier today about friends thinking of you all the time#and i kinda just repeated it in my tags and ill probably just repeat it again now but its true#there are so many mundane things that make me think of the kind people ive met#i love bonding about interests and characters but theres also little peeks of each others lives#jokes and facts and songs and favorite animals that make me go 🫵 my friend likes that!!!#and dates! ill be like 'oh my friend is doing X today across the globe :)' 'ah i hope my friends X went well across the country :)'#'i remember they love this food/hate this food/has never tried this food :)'#'i remember them talking about how much they like this song :)'#'oh i learned a new saying like this in their language :)'#i hope they feel better from being sick#i hope their pets vet visit went well#i hope they got a good grade on that project#i hope they can rest after work#i hope theyre happy with their haircut#i hope they can dress like they want soon#i hope theyre happy#i hope theyre happy.#i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy!!!#oh shit. cryin in the club. (<- my bed.) not even drunk or hormonal just SAPPY WTH#i have to keep up my intimidating and stoic reputation!!!#so goodnight!!!!!!#i love you!!!!!!!!#rose rambles
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Shout out to anyone sick on Christmas and is feeling lonely and forgotten.
#is it really vagueblogging if everyone knows its about me#mom said she'd bring me food and she has not#the sister i literally live with doesnt check if i need anything when she gets home from chistmas at moms#when my brother cant (or doesnt) come to christmas someone will call or facetime him and pass him around the house#but not me??#im sure they think theyd just be bothering me but still#im surr they also rhink my sister is actually help take care of me but no i dont even see her unless i message her to grt me somrthing#ive literslly never treated any of them like this when theyrr sick#but ignore me i have major depression and being sick just naturally makes it worse#worst christmas ive ever had honestly#this isnt even the first day im sick ive been sick for like 4 days now#and i only saw my mom when i complained about her not even checking up on me when she came over to move all the decorations to her house#you were in my house (technically her house) and didnt even see if i had eaten anything that day?? (i hadnt)
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its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting
#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that#to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk.#i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money#any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and#he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just#he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me#and now i. know why he did that lol#but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back#or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me#and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship#genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and#pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i#realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically#and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot#with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would#hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he#was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically.#like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential.#and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week#on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick
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#im not vagueing anyone specific so if u think this is abt you don't get your underwear twisted okay this is about like. so many ppl.#but it's so fucking frustrating seeing people i know (friends/family/coworkers/etc) going thru so much mental health struggle#often accompanied by physical health issues like weight/skin/pain problems#and knowing their diet is absolutely dogtrash#and trying to come up with a way to tell them that is nice but will maybe get them to think or change their ways#i know i know. you can lead a horse to water and all but it's just fucking agonizing knowing that people are suffering so needlessly#and it would go away if they just put the right food in their bodies#and no this isn't even an injunction to carnivore you can recover significantly with meat-heavy noncarnivore ketogenic diets#but people are so resistant to the idea that they can eat their way out of mental illness even though this is well documented#it just makes me want to rip my hair out that people would really rather stay the same than try something that could make them better#like i really can't fucking relate the whole reason i ended up a carnivore is because i was so *desperate* to be healthy#and trying something for a month just to see sounds so much better than letting everything get worse until i'm literally dying#but then i see so many sick people with garbage diets just completely resist the suggestion that the solution could possibly be so simple#like what more can i do for you? i dont want you to be sick. YOU dont want you to be sick. what do you lose from just trying??#ugh i cant. im so. i know this is going to be my career path but god fucking damn if it isn't infuriating
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genuinely tried to Be Asleep for like two hours this time and just couldn't. I think i'm cursed [unwell]
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#feels pretty much like the first night i got sick (remember that breakdown? lol) except this time i have Overcome the illness#mostly anyways.#but yeah i'm just. augh. not only do i have to deal with literal nightly thoughts of sh now i can't even sleep?!#my curse of Hearing Things immediately working against me the moment i can't hear things clearly#cause ... now i REALLY don't know whats going on#like i know it's not my business and shouldn't be my business but a) i live here and b) i have to hear it either way.#just ... yeah. now that we're probably as settled in as things are gonna get i REALLY do not feel like i'm meant to be here#not in general; as in this physical actual space. there's no thought that something should be made for all of us since they have work#& i ... well i do but [redacted]. so it's the work i make for myself mostly. but yeah so it doesn't matter if nobody sees me eat breakfast#(dont care about that anyways) and it doesnt matter that nobody sees me eat dinner (maybe i care A Little ok) because the whoooole rest of#the day is nebulous Lunch Time. and oh boy let me tell you. i'm not having that either#cause uhm. 'you can eat our food' only means so much until money comes into the equation#like BOY if i thought i was messed up about that before let me tell you: it has become Worse#i dunno. i try to have good days and yet the moment its Asleep Time i am someone completely different#like ... it's like seasonal depressiom but WORSE because theres SUNLIGHT and i LOVE SUNLIGHT#no yeah i think that's exactly the sort of thing i can liken it to now that i think of it#cause i always have like... seasonal issues when it starts gettin dark around 4-5ish range. except right now its summer so its NOT#wish i knew how to really be normal. then maybe at least if i wouldnt have good music making material i could like. meaningfully contribute#to my existence as a roommate#'i'm doing great' says man who is somehow Still Not#relatedly i think my next public facing breakdown is either gonna be about this still or about spinning in the pride parade. time will tell#....i can hear them AGAIN i know why IM up why are THEY#/bangs on wall Go To Sleeeeep leave me alone to also sleep T_T#that's ... that's a joke by the way i'm not doing that. i do feel more tired now so maybe i will have somewhat restful sleep. hopefully
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I don't understand why people get frustrated at things they knew were gonna happen because someone else is chronically I'll and it's happened multiple times before so it's not like it's new, like oh yeah sorry for existing like this
#family wanted me to go to this restaurant and to try their shakes and they've talked about it multiple times about going#and they kept mentioning it and just yeah so the said 'were going' and i just shrugged and said okay#we've been to restaurants times before and it goes the same every time with me getting fries or some type of potato or salad#because their safe foods and indont want to be sick and most of the time i cant eat almost all the menu so this isn't new#but they want to eat before we get these shakes (the shakes that are going to inevitably make me very sick) so we order food#surprise enough i order cheese fries that say they just have cheese on them on the menu but of course they lied as always#so the fries have bacon and chives and olives and a bunch of stuff and the cheese isnt even a cheese sauce#but cheese from the store thats been melted in a microwave on the fries and is very very oily and y'know great these are gonna make me sick#i force down the food as fast as i can and act like its fine but of course family gets mad that im doing this#they then ask after me trying to force down this food what flavor of shake i want and im probably gonna end up throwing#up half of the food i just ate and so i say no to the shake which is a gurantee of me being up all night throwing up#they get frustrated because 'we came here for the shakes' and i dont even know im so tired like#i font know what people want me to do i cant exist the way they want me to and eat the food and interact with the world how they want me to#like how do they want me to do thing? i wish people would tell me how they wanted me to do things and then i could do it#and i really can i can play pretend i do it sooo well i can eat the food you want me to and do what you want me to#but we literyjoked how i couldn't eat barely anything on the menu and we still got in the car and left and like#family is a bust my friends are too busy living and being with their other friends who arent sick so thats always hood to think about#literally got told to my face that she made a new friend (which is always good) but that this new friends reminded her exactly of me#and that they talks to them every single day and they've gone to movies and this and that and... i texted her multiple times#and she hasnt texted me back in months... infont think that lerson reminds me of who i AM i think they remind her of who i WAS#when i was sick very sick but still more abled and able to just exist#but yeah so im gonna write some fanfic - im gonna mod for something - then mod for another thing with really sweet mods in it#i wanted to rewatch a spn episode with the angels in it so ill do that and maybe work on a bracelet#and yeah... and then ill do it all over again and eat my safe foods and do the things that make me comfortable because fuck them#virus rambling
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Got no food lined up for tomorrow.. and it looks like I'll still be too weak to even make ramen
#this just makes me sad#bc they close my file (after telling me it was all good and i was gonna be able to get help)#i cant access the meal services ive just learned about#like. take out isnt the best. expensive. not what u want when ure sick.#and sometimes delivery workers dont wait so what do i do if i can't get to the door on time#friend was supposed to come over but was held up by work#neighbors getting tired of me needing small help often#and im sick so often i cant reciprocate :(#like i being food to my neighbor but thats about it#she does way more for me#just did the groceries too for the strike....#but i didn't think ill have a second pem in a month thats unprecedented#so i didn't replenish my stash#couldn't even do a frozen pizza rn
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