#• luna lavinchi speaking •

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Hey! You....yea you, I see you. It'll be okay!

You've made it this far right? I am so proud of you. Just you waking up this morning is incredible! Keep going. I know its hard, I know it seems like it won't get better but it will....somehow, someway things will just align perfectly in a way you never imagined. You're a beautiful person filled with so much abundance. I acknowledge your work and progress, you got this! I'm your cheerleader and I'll keep cheering and praying you on until my last breath. C'mon we got this! I'm holding your hand along the way, you may not feel me there but I'm there in spirit. I know what its like so you don't need to explain, just take a deep breath in through your nose then take a deep breath out through your mouth. Good job! Keep going. This will calm your anxiety and regulate your mood. It takes a while of practice but you got this! You can handle anything that comes your way. You are unstoppable, you are unique, you are precious, you are abundant, you are blessed by the almighty power. See, since being here you've gotten your mind off stuff and have been hearing the truth. You are worth healing, you are worth love, you are worth your biggest dreams.

Let's give thanks for what we have, gratitude helps alot! Thank you for this day, thank you for the earth, thank you for the grass, thank you for the sun, thank you for the rain, thank you for the ability to see, thank you for my lungs that breathe in fresh air everyday, thank you for my heart, thank you for music, thank you for the ability to grow (i know hearing this might give mixed emotions but once you slowly heal you'll realize emotions aren't scary....they come and go).

Thank you for joining me here today. I hope you have a lovely day/night. Take care my lovely, treat yourself with kindness and patience. <3

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Ughhhh weeed how I've missed youuu.....

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Weed is my favorite vegtable

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

I LOVE SCENE KIDS. I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO WEAR KANDI BRACELETS AND THE ONES WHO DON'T, I LOVE SCENE KIDS WHO WEAR TUTUS AND THE ONES WHO WEAR SKINNY JEANS, I LOVE SCENE KIDS WHO LISTEN TO CRUNKCORE AND THE ONES WHO LISTEN TO PUNK ROCK, I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO ARE A LITTLE BIT EMO, I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO HAVE TATTOOS, I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO LOVE GARFIELD/SPONGEBOB/INVADER ZIM, I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO WEAR BIG BOWS, I LOVE THE SCENE KIDS WHO HAVE LONG HAIR AND THE ONES WHO HAVE SHORT HAIR, I LOVE SCENE KIDS WITH COLORED HAIR, I LOVE SCENE KIDS OF ANY ETHNICITY, I LOVE SCENE KIDS WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES, I LOVE SCENE KIDS WITH CONVERSE SHOES AND SCENE KIDS WITH VANS, I LOVE SKATER SCENE KIDS, I LOVE ALL SCENE KIDS IN EXISTENCE!!!!!

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Ocd is like "you're guilty until proven otherwise" and will bring up everything on why you're guilty even if its not true.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Having a moment where I feel so good about myself after doing self care, one of those moments where I can feel proud that I'm on my trauma recovery journey.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Having my last therapy session tomorrow. My therapist is leaving and this hurts like hell. Been crying and trying to breathe and collect my thoughts, I know I have to allow myself to grieve this.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Me when I feel annoying for being repetitive on a subject but I'm literally autistic with adhd so I like talking about things repetitively and cannot shut up for the life of me 😭

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

I need it to be halloween, spooky scary season. And the scary cats and movies. Pumpkin everything

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

"You're too old to be acting this way"

"You're an adult now, why do you like toys?"

"Real adults don't do (insert "childlike" activities)"

Ok?...says who? There shouldn't be an issue with liking cartoons or "childish" things. Especially when autistic/neurodivergent we don't believe or recognize social standards, What defines something as just a kid's show? Just because someone has an interest in cute things and cartoons doesn't mean its a bad thing. I didn't have a typical childhood, I lost most of my childhood by having to help raise my siblings and mediate my parents....I had to grow up fast and block out my emotions, indulging in cartoons or allowing myself to reclaim those lost years are not only healing but is also comforting to me. It's scary to know I'm an adult now and that somehow it's some sin for me to watch cartoons and like toys or dolls. I want to heal and feel safe, I want to do those things my younger self could only dream and wish of.

Lately I feel so conflicted because I've been getting more anxiety/panic attacks due to emotional flashbacks which can last me hours, I feel upset because I don't want to feel these emotions and I feel gross at myself for feeling like I'm my younger self. Idk how to explain it and its scary cause I never really experienced this at least not this much until now, I don't like when I mentally feel back in the headspace of my younger self and at times I am scared of my surroundings because I'll feel I'm in a unfamiliar area, I am alone in this because I know I probably sound crazy and I have yet to mention this to my therapist (but will soon). It's involuntary and I hate it because it will be scary usually and the only thing I can do to calm myself down is just do things I'd do at that age, so if I feel I'm mentally in the headspace of 8 then I'd just listen to music or do activities 8 year old me enjoyed. I feel I will be hated or even disowned because of this even tho I am not doing this purposely. When I am criticized for liking kid things it hurts because I am only trying to have and live the life I never really got. Anyway I am exposing myself alot by sharing this but if I don't get this out I feel I'll explode with another panic attack.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

The worst feeling is when I feel that I'll never be a mom/have my own family because of my trauma. The thoughts that leak into my brain as I have flashbacks to moments in childhood and remember what I'd think as a kid, I don't like remembering those things and it makes me scared that I won't be stable enough in the future to be a mom or that I'll hurt my kids without meaning to but I would never. I am healing but its hard when my mind reminds me of these terrible things.

If any of you feel this way know that ur not alone and that good things will come, i promise! We can heal and wait for it together <3

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

I dont feel well today, chronic pain is bad and I'm very sluggish (I might be catching what my little brother has). I'm getting emotional as I listen to "The world is ugly" By MCR... it just makes me feel that I'm still here, I'm so strong despite how weak I feel, I feel my younger selfs pain and see her strength....I never thought I'd make it this far but I did and will continue to grow. Its scary to let go of the pain and the past but slowly it becomes easier. I want to hug my younger self so bad, especially (atm) my 15/16 year old self. I see her so much in myself today and am trying to show her kindness and love. Its cold today as fall shows itself more and I put on my black hoodie...this hoodie holds so many memories and now that I have my side bangs again I can't help but definitely see my 16 yo self when I see my reflection. If she only knew what more we would endure and how it will get better despite how hard it is to see it.

Anyway yea just sharing my thoughts to track my healing journey. Luv u guys! :3

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

I love my therapist, she validates me so much while also keeping it real.

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Allowed myself to cry and spent 30 minutes doing so, I have to learn to give myself the grace to greive....its hard but I know its how I'll heal. I feel somewhat better despite my clogged nose and runny eyes. I just wish the traumas didn't feel so raw. Its so hard having to be God's strongest soldier, I talked with my mom and she vented her feelings and I shared some stuff and she was crying. It just sucks, its all generational oldest daughter bullshit, my mom was put into shitty situations and doesn't mean to be the way she is....it still hurts but I know she at least tries. It sucks having to be the oldest daughter, to have to be so strong by holding in your emotions and being the "go to" person when things go wrong. I'll heal this.....it'll get better (trying to see this in a positive light).

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

TW/ Harsh vent

The late diagnosed autistic experience when you remember your traumatic childhood and realized how unfair it was, how fucked over you were by the cruel people of this world. How I wish to not hold rage and anger for the pain that was inflicted on me. IT WASN'T FAIR, I AM SUFFERING! SUFFERING! FOR THE THINGS THEY DID OUT OF CHILDHOOD IGNORANCE WHILE I'M STILL HERE TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND HEAL FROM IT. It pains me how much fucking shit happened because I couldn't see the red flags and social cues, what did I miss....what could explain the reasoning behind people's behaviors?! I WANNA FUCKING KNOW. IM SO ANGRY, IM SO ANGRY THAT IM ANGRY, I DONT WANNA FEEL THESE EMOTIONS. Why did they do those things?! I keep getting flashbacks of the things that happen and I'm scared. As if it happening once wasn't enough my brain has it playing on loop like some sick game. I hate this, God help me its torture. I feel at times im lying to myself because i tell myself "it wasn't that bad" but then shit like this happens where I'm panicking and feel like I'm dying then I'm like "oh wow! Its real the symptoms are appearing". Wtf! C-ptsd sucks ass so much. It wasn't fair I had to be played with aggressively and held against my will and no matter how much I tried to resist they wouldn't let go. This is just one fucking traumatic theme thats popping up but next episode it could be something completely different, I never know exact triggers or what i can do to prevent c-ptsd episodes. I'm just scared and feeling alone. I hate this isolating disorder. The SH thoughts are bugging me so I know venting is a healthier coping mechanism, I really don't wanna relapse. I also vent here because if in anyway someone finds this and can relate and feel less alone then that's a thought that makes this all worth it.