#“idk if i have a personality disorder” << girl who has not felt like a real person all day

[inviso-bill-strikes-again]

part of me is like "wow I really must be faking this mental illness for attention" when I literally live alone and do not speak about my issues to anyone ever . bitch whose attention do you want .

[naturesapphic]

idk if you’d wanna do this or not but could you potentially write something fluffy with Billie and a gf who feels dumb all the time because she’s dyslexic and billie helps her and comforts her when she struggles?

Dyslexic

Billie eilish x dyslexic!fem!reader

Warnings: little bit of angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Everyone who was in your life knew you were dyslexic. You had it growing up and you still have trouble with it today. You would get teased for it a lot when you were little and now since you were an adult. You never understood why people were so mean about it, it was just a learning disorder, but the people always made you feel extra dumb for it.

Here you were, sitting at your desk in the office of your shared house with your girlfriend, working on a class project. You were done writing your portion of the paper and sent it to the group chat. Billie was downstairs in the studio working on music. Almost immediately everyone responded, criticizing your work and how you wrote making your face heat up in embarrassment. One person even said that you were going to make them all fail if you don’t rewrite the whole paper.

You were confused but texted them back that you would look over it again. Going back to your paper you reread everything and you understood what they were talking about. What you wrote was jumbled and didn’t make sense at all. It didn’t fit what the whole project was about and you groaned out in frustration. You grabbed your paper and crumpled it up, throwing it behind you not knowing that it hit someone.

“Hey! Watch the tits bro.” Your girlfriend joked which usually made you laugh but all you let out was a little defeated sigh. “Sorry…” you apologized and you felt your chair spin around and you were face to face with your brown headed girlfriend. “Hey…you don’t need to apologize to me babe.” Billie reassured you and you just sat there staring off making Billie worry. “Okay what’s going on. You’ve been up here all day in the office and you look like you are about to pass out.” She said and you whimpered making her get down on her knees so she’s eye level with you.

“I just…I feel so stupid bils! My stupid brain and my learning disability.” You explained to her and how your partners were making you feel like shit. “Hey hey now. First of all, you aren’t stupid, second of all, they are shit heads who don’t know what they are talking about. Fuck them. You are the smartest and talented girl I know. Don’t let their peanut sized Brains make you think any differently do you understand?” Billie says and you nodded your head slowly. “I still have to write this stupid paper and on top of that I have to start completely over since I messed up.” You sigh and Billie gave you a comforting smile.

“Why don’t I read your project over and help you with your paper hm?” She suggested and you gave her a big smile. “Would you please? I don’t get it whatsoever and I feel like my head is gonna explode.” You explained and she giggles. “I know baby but how about I read it over and rewrite it to where you can understand it better how’s that?” She offered and you felt your eyes burn with tears. “Oh bils…you are the sweetest ever. What did I do to deserve you?” You say as you stand up from your chair and place a kiss on her plump lips, making her kiss you back immediately.

“Okay. Now go to bed and rest. I’ll be there to join you in a bit alright?” She softly demanded you and you nodded. You walked over to the bed and got underneath the covers as you watched Billie read over the project and write down some stuff before joining you. You couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend than Billie, who never made you feel stupid or slow. She loved you as you are.

A/n: thank you for the request anon! As someone who has a learning disability this was very nice to write. Anyone who has some sort of learning disability, know that no matter what anyone says to you, you are smart and capable just like everyone else and I’m proud of you :) remember to stay hydrated and to rest! I love y’all! <3

[abrthephantomq]

Soooo....

Turnabout Storyteller.

I had already vaguely known about Uendo having DID due to me not necessarily avoiding spoilers when reading fanfic, but...

I have so many thoughts on this as someone who HAS the disorder they're representing here.

Like, one, I definitely appreciated the way they revealed it -- during a Mood Matrix session. Having multiple sets of feelings and having them switch on and off like that is def a thing. I've/we've experienced that before.

But also -- before that, when Uendo was switching between his "characters" and everyone thought he was just putting on a performance? Yeah, see. They did that really well considering that like -- yes, the way alters hold the body/the face can be really different. They certainly felt like different people, which was really cool to see. I liked the different poses they had because as I played I was like, "Huh... is he the character with DID...? He is, right?"

The thing is, I'm like 80% certain that Uendo is the murderer, and THAT annoys me -- but I'm not done playing through the case, yet. I just started the second half of the trial, so.... I'll comment as I go.

But if I'm right and Uendo IS the murderer, I'm gonna have to roll my eyes because soooo many pieces of media use my disorder to show HEY SOMEONE WITH THIS COULD BE A KILLER AND NOT KNOWWWWW and I hate that. Because like.... no.

OH THANK GOD. Like 3 seconds into the send half of the trial and it's NOT Uendo. Yay. Yayyyyy. I'm actually really glad they did that subversion of the person-with-DID-is-the-killer trope. Thank fucking GOD.

SIMON GRABBING ATHENA when she starts to doubt she can prove Bucky's innocence is just -- fuck. Okay. Yeah, I see why the fandom loves that particular moment. (I love Simon so much omfg).

I am honestly loving this case and I actually really like the way they've presented Uendo -- it's simplified a bit for the sake of the audience, but at the same time, switching DO be like that. And you can certainly be co-conscious and share memory.

Like.... that's legitimately how our System works -- there's usually 2-3 of us up front at any given time, with someone generally more forward, while the other(s) listens / watches. Sometimes others push to the front. And there are 4 of us who more or less have access to the continual life happenings even if we don't always recollect specific details (or what we were feeling) later.

Also Owen being a LITTLE makes so much damn sense? Fuck, idk man, I love it. I kinda adore them.

I really really really got weary when Uendo's diagnosis was revealed because, y'know, the whole oh God pls tell me you're not the murderer even if it was kinda looking like you were.

That fucking balloon girl did it, didn't she? Jesus fucking Christ. I love that, but I also hate that. Also it's so unfair they made this chick so goddamned pretty.

Also man can I also say just how like.... they legitimately refer to Owen as a child, and Kisegawa with Ms., and -- that's actually a nice little piece of the writing here. Like... is it absolutely perfect? No. It's not. But let me tell you -- as someone with this disorder? Writing it and showing it for an audience is hard.

That whole, "everyone is unique" thing applies here -- every System is different. They all develop ways of functioning in order to blend in and protect themselves. Uendo may not have the denial bit that comes with this disorder (do you know how many times I find myself asking if I'm sure I'm not faking this thing? do you??? because like, it's a "rare" disorder, right? and was my trauma REALLY bad enough for me to have alters???? etc) -- but considering the confident way he, Patches, and Kisegawa speak about their experience with the disorder, I would imagine they've been in therapy for it for a while, now.

But also -- the three of them not being aware of Owen? Or denying his existence, at least? Well, they were either protecting him because he's so young, or they legitimately did not know since apparently he may only come forward when the body is drunk.

idk I love that Uendo et al was not the killer. Like so much. Thank FUCK.

Also that was a really fun case even if it was like, not entirely relevant to the overall story happening here in SOJ. I definitely enjoyed it.

[cringelordofchaos]

Heidi Turner HCs!

I LOVE HER SM and i DONT talk enough about her tbh

dislikes social media

has major depressive disorder, which led her to feel out of place and pushed away by society, and since she didn't feel like she belonged anywhere she started hating herself/ being unsure of who she was, or what she even wanted, which is why she came to be so gullible and easy to change and manipulate, its because she wasn't sure or confident in herself

before she started dating cartman, she would mask her depression. even though she was one of the popular girls who 'got along with everyone',, and cared about her reputation (which is why i think she was judgemental towards Marjorine in Marjorine), she still felt out of place but she would hide it and pretend she was fine and content. but she never had a best friend and she desperately craved some form of close bond which she would later get from Cartman.

listens to liana flores (self projecting ....) + relates to her (especially the song "recently,")

strongly inclined to listen to her emotions and follow her heart (canon), high empathy

her deep insecurity and lack of self-confidence is also what led her to be so defensive about her relationship with cartman, because she didn't want to be proven wrong about her decisions cuz that would only make her a "worse " person and yeah (pretty much canon)

big animal rights activist!! and an animal person too

canonically Irish, i like to think she and her parents lived in Ireland when she was much younger until they moved to Colorado but she barely remembers anything, they still sometimes visit Ireland for holidays to see her grandparents. (and i also like to think her grandma taught her how to cook and how to knit, and knitted her hat)

after she got changed by Cartman, she started drifting apart from all her friends, and even when she and Cartman broke up she still doesn't have the best reputation and she lost a lot of bonds, so she started feeling out of place AGAIN even after she broke it off with him... but she knows it's for the best.

nature lover and tree hugger, obsessed with flowers

i think her family is a bit more traditional one, and that her dad is the typical really tough strict emotionally invulnerable overprotective masculine father figure that would be like "NO BOYFRIENDS UNTIL YOU'RE 97 YEARS OLD WITH 42 GRANCHILDREN"

just a really good and kind person deep down and nothing can really change that

after her break up with cartman she started feeling guilty for the person she became and sorta pushed others away because she felt as if she didn't deserve them ?

girl needs to have an independence arc and learn not to solely rely on others reaffirmations. she needs to be sure of herself and love herself without needing others. but i also think she deserves friends and support

plays the flute

has a pet bunny !!! and is also kinda obsessed with butterflies

friends with stan

for a bit after she broke up w eric she would usually sit alone during lunch. wendy at one point noticed this and despite all the other girls thinking they should probably stay away from her / shes not worth it / let her be, wendy decided to sit next to her and be the friend she needs

at one point when she comes more to terms with who she is she gets a pixie cut !! i also like to think her hair is curly / really wavy and healthy

feels at most peace when shes out in nature

loves windy and colder weather

i also like to think she befriends Nichole at one point !! (since they're both sorta flower themed, in TFBW Nichole's room is flower themed and she also has flower hair clips)and /... thats pretty much my only reason lulz. I like to think of her, nichole and wendy as a trio !! idk i feel like all of them are some of the kindest characters in the show, i'd like to see them as friends

at one point develops a slighttt childish crush on wendy, but she tries not letting it get to her head

she felt as if she didn't fit in, maybe she even felt as if she wasn't wanted .

has no phone (i mean. she canonically threw it away)

sends letters to her grandparents, since they're getting pretty old she's a bit afraid they'll die soon -

likes to paint and draw sometimes but she doesn't think she's good at it

Before, she would sometimes pretend she was something she wasn't cuz she thought that would make her feel less isolated, and maybe she'd be more comfortable if she was anyone but her. But as she's been healing, and been away from Cartman, learning about herself and what she truly loves doing, and learning to love herself, she doesn't feel the need to pretend about much anymore, which actually happened to make her more genuine and people took actual interest in being her friend (even if she wasn't exactly as popular as she was before) (PS i have no idea what actually canonically happened to her after Splatty Tomato so uhh this might contradict canon)

has a ton of plants in her house she takes care of

not really interested in cheerleading if she's entirely honest

Raised Roman Catholic (actually, i just checked the fandom wiki (extremely reliable source, i know) and it's canon apparently)

Sometimes dresses like an old grandma but she doesn't care

"cats or dogs?" "both!!!!"

bookworm

she feels SO SO guilty about all the things she's said and done to Kyle, and at one point apologizes, but lets him know she doesn't expect his forgiveness, she just wants to let him know he really didn't deserve any of that and that she still feels bad and tries explaining why she left him in Doubling Down but let him know it still didn't justify anything. I have no idea how Kyle reacts but I think if he saw how genuine she was he'd (maybe somewhat hesitantly at first??) let her know he understands, and there's no point in holding grudges yada yada. I don't think they would really hang out much afterwards, and especially i dont think theyd date again, but i dont think theyd be on bad terms forever

even after she breaks up with Cartman and begins a vegan diet again, while she stops being obese she's still a bit chubby

flora and fauna NERD !!!!!

Has private flute lessons (that she impermanently dropped when Cartman told her it was a bunch of bullshit she didn't need, but after she broke up with him she took it up again)

Never talked about her issues to her parents before, but at one point breaks it down to them all at once and they let her know they love her and she should talk to them if there's anything troubling her, and they'd never be mad about her having negative emotions, and that they're not mad about her not telling them earlier. They even ask her if she wants therapy, but she lets them know she thinks she's getting better and doesn't need it. but they let her know she can have it if she wants to.

when she was younger her hair used to be straight up blonde but it darkened with age

wasn't romantically attracted to cartman, she cared about him like she did about everyone and relied on him to reaffirm her sense identity but both were faking their interest in the other, though Heidi truly thought she had a crush on him at first, and stayed with him so he wouldn't kill himself even though he was a horrible boyfriend to her.(in anothr hc, she did really love him that way. idk man i think multiple interpretations make sense depending on how you look at it.)

this guy's her half brother

has a few freckles on her cheeks

favourite colours are pink and green

[darkstar225]

Twice's 10th member has bulimia, unnies are on their way!

A/N: Heyyy, I'm coming up with a lot of stuff for you guys so I can make up for the time I'm gone lol! Sry for taking so long to post :D I hope that my friend twwicceee, who gave me this idea on Wattpad likes it! :)

The request: ohh if you want i can tell you about "bullamia" it is a eating disorder in which the person eats food but they throw it up later intentionally cuz they feel insecure about their weight and body (just like anorexia nervosa) so you can do a chapter in which the youngest 10th member is throwing up in the washroom in night and all the members noticed it so they all confront her about it!😭😭🤝 idk like if u like, just a idea💗

PS: Tysm for everyone who reads what I write, I hope I can bring a smile to your faces every time I post! I'd like to thank whoever sent me this idea 'cause I loved to write it <3

__________________________________________________________

It was well past midnight when Y/N found herself hunched over the toilet bowl in the dimly lit bathroom of their dormitory. Her stomach heaved, and she couldn't stop the tears that stung her eyes. Her secret was her tormentor, a relentless force that had her in its grip for far too long.

For months, TWICE's flower had been struggling with an eating disorder, a battle she had been silently waging against herself. Bulimia had taken hold of her life, a cruel and destructive cycle of bingeing and purging that left her feeling trapped and ashamed.

TWICE, the beloved K-pop girl group she had the privilege of being a part of, had been oblivious to her struggle. Y/N was the youngest and 10th member, a talented and vibrant young woman in her early twenties. She had always been the cheerful, supportive, and positive presence in the group, and she was determined to keep her secret hidden.

But tonight, the facade cracked. She had pushed herself too far, indulging in a binge that had left her stomach painfully full. Panic and self-loathing had set in, and she had retreated to the bathroom, desperate to purge the excess calories and shame.

As the younger girl retched into the toilet, she heard a faint noise from the hallway. The sound of footsteps, hushed whispers, and concern. Panic surged through her as she realized that she was no longer alone.

Momo had been the first to notice the maknae's absence from her room. She had been restless, unable to sleep, and a nagging feeling had led her to check on her fellow member. When she saw the bathroom light on and heard the distressing sounds from inside, her heart sank.

Quickly, Momo alerted the other members. They gathered outside the bathroom, worry etched on their faces. Jihyo, the group's leader and Y/N's omma, stepped forward and gently knocked on the door. 

Jihyo - Honey, are you okay in there?

Y/N froze, her heart pounding in her chest. She knew she couldn't hide this any longer, but she wasn't ready to face her demons. She wiped her mouth and flushed the toilet before opening the door. Her eyes were red from crying, and she avoided their concerned gazes.

Y/N - I'm fine... *mumbling while trying to sound as convincing as possible*

But the members could see through her façade. Sana, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu exchanged worried glances while Mina, who had her own history of mental health struggles, stepped forward and took her little sister's hand. 

Mina - Thank you for letting us be here with you, darling. We're always available to support you.

The floodgates opened, and Y/N couldn't hold back her tears any longer. She felt a mix of relief and fear as she finally admitted her struggle. 

Y/N - I... I have a problem. I've been struggling with bulimia.

Nayeon, ever perceptive, reached out and placed a gentle hand on her kid's shoulder. 

Nayeon - My love, you don't have to pretend with us. We're here for you.

Over the next few days, TWICE's sunshine began to open up to her fellow older sisters about her battle with bulimia. She shared the painful details of her struggles, the shame that had kept her silent, and the overwhelming fear of judgment. The members listened, offered their love and support, and encouraged her to seek professional help.

Jihyo took charge of the situation, researching treatment options and finding a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. Y/N was initially hesitant, but with the unwavering support of her TWICE family, she agreed to attend therapy sessions.

The road to recovery was not easy. The youngest faced the harsh reality of confronting her eating disorder head-on, and it was a painful journey filled with setbacks and tears. But with each step she took, she knew she wasn't alone. Her unnies were her pillars of strength, offering their love and encouragement every step of the way.

They also made changes in their daily routines to support Y/N. Mealtimes became a time for bonding, not just for nourishment. They cooked together, shared stories, and ensured that their little star felt comfortable and supported during meals. It was a small but significant change that made a world of difference to TWICE's angel.

Months passed, and Y/N's progress was slow but steady. She attended therapy diligently, and her therapist helped her unpack the emotional baggage that had contributed to her eating disorder. She learned healthier ways to cope with stress and anxiety, and her support system within TWICE was always there to cheer her on.

One evening, as the sun set and cast a warm glow over their dormitory, TWICE gathered in the living room for a movie night. Y/N, who had made significant progress in her recovery, sat comfortably among her friends. She smiled as they laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

Nayeon and Jihyo, who had taken on the roles of the maknae's confidants and protectors, wrapped their arms around the younger member's shoulders. 

Nayeon - You've come a long way, luv. We're so proud of you.

Y/N nodded, her eyes shining with gratitude. 

Y/N - I couldn't have done it without all of you, unnies. You saved my life.

Sana, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu chimed in with words of encouragement and love, offering their unwavering support. It was clear that their bond had transformed into something even stronger, a sisterhood that could weather any storm.

As they settled in to watch the movie, Y/N felt a warmth in her heart that went beyond the comforting glow of the room. She had faced her darkest demons with the unwavering support of her TWICE family, and she knew that, together, they could overcome anything. And as the unnies looked at their petite fighter's expression, they shared a single thought:

I am proud of our dear maknae.

And the writer behind the screen had something similar in mind:

I am proud of my dear readers.

A/N: I'm sorry for any errors, English is not my first language. Pls, let me know if there is something wrong, ty for reading <3

[wizardfrog69]

Helppp ii just watched girl interrupted and i have an idea, yosano as an mental hospital doctor(idk how to call it, just a person who helps with the patients😭) and her mentee nb s/o whos a patient here, s/o might have borderline disorder if u want

Sorry if its complicated or cringey 💀, just a random though of my head

I just watched girl interrupted and it's a good film 10/10 would recommend, I also read some more about bpd but I'm probably gonna read more. So idk if s/o is supposed to be a mentee or patient so ill go with patient. Thanks for the request! :)

'•.¸♡ patient ♡¸.•'

Psychologist!Yosano x mentally ill!gn!reader

I'm not a mental health professional so I'm not gonna mention the mental illness cuz I could portrait it wrong or something and I don't want to mislead people and this isn't romanticising any sort of mental illness!

Fluff

Tw!!! Suicidal thoughts

If this subject is triggering in anyway please do not read, your mental wellbeing is more important.

Masterlist

Enjoy! :)

You just signed yourself into a mental hospital to get better, you were promised this place was going to make you feel way better. The hospital halls were as meek and blank as one would expect, dull colours and emptiness for the most part. The room you were assigned was a bit more lively yet the bars on the windows made you feel like you were trapped there for entirety.

Your days there were miserable and boring, there was nothing to do there, not like there was anything to do at home either, if you were home you would probably be laying in bed sleeping or looking at the ceiling think up little stories in your head. Here you could stare at a different wall and a roommate telling you about something which you only drowned out to be background noise.

You had forgotten why you signed yourself in, if you were completely honest with yourself you felt as though there was no hope left for you, people should have just let you to die but they couldn't and had to intervene.

The hospital made you see a new doctor, you've never seen her before but many of the other patients there said she was only there to steal their money and she works for the capitalists as do all therapist and others, or that's what you believed, maybe you were just told to believe that and everything you believe in is a thought forced upon you by someone else.

You were told to walk into an office and as soon as you saw your new doctor your swore your heart skipped a beat or two. She must have realised you weird around her because she told you it was okay to sit down. She must have thought you were nervous, hopefully she doesn't know how you feel about her, she was so beautiful and her voice was like heaven to your ears.

The only thing you looked forward in your day was visiting her in her office where you talk about everything and anything but your feelings for her, she us your doctor after all and you didn't want to see another one. All you had on your mind was her, when you awoke, during breakfast, lunch, dinner, when you stared at the TV screen the only thing you thought about was her and her only.

How long has it been now, 5 months? 6? You had a plan to confess your feelings and you knew you were getting out soon you wanted to ask doctor Yosano to see you after you left.

You entered her office as per usual but this time she drew your attention to your smile, it was the first time she saw a genuine smile from you. You told her you had a surprise for her but only if she could confirm that you would be leaving some time soon. You didn't hate the place just that it wasn't a place for you, with all the people and all and beside you couldn't do anything with sharp objects so how were you possible supposed to cook?

After carefully confirming you would be leaving that week you decided to ask her to meet you a day after your leave from the hospital in a park near by. She agreed to your little idea because you seemed so happy from it.

You were waiting at the park, sitting on a cold bench. You saw Yosano approach the bench and you stood up. 'I need to tell you something Ako.' Yosano smiled to herself from the nickname you've been calling her a while. 'What is it?' She asked in her usual tone. 'I think I like you, like I want to spend time with you and stuff.' Your eyes were filled with hope, completely different from the ones which saw the hospital for the first time.

Yosano didn't know how to respond, you were no longer her patient so it could workout but could the two of you really work out? She asked you to take a walk while she can think about it and decide while talking to one another. After walking for a few minutes she decided to date you as she also developed feelings for you over time.

༺♡༻ 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 ⋆ 𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 ༺♡༻

As you can tell I have no idea how Yosano's personality is.

I'm really bad at ending stuff.

I'm thinking of writing more for anyone from the ada but idk who or what I should write yet.

Have a wonderful day/night and don't forget to drink plenty of water and stay safe! :)

-lots of love, Az

[fussypaws]

Oh hey btw at therapy on Friday my therapist said that she thinks I have PTSD or a stress disorder at least, so that's cool. She was like "when you said that early on I wasn't sure but now that I know you a bit better I think you probably do." Girl that's what I've been saying!!!!

Longish vent under the cut lol

Now I gotta figure out what's going on with the Autism and ADHD things. I kinda thought that maybe I had ADHD and a lot of my friends think I have Autism or both (a few are diagnosed with one or both) but my therapist doesn't think I have either so idk... she says that I hyperfixate because my anxiety is extreme and I'm avoiding it by hyperfixating, but I always thought hyperfixating was an ADHD/Autism exclusive thing??? But idk she says people with anxiety can hyperfixate too...

She thinks that my issues with math/numbers is just my anxiety too and probably related to trauma, she says me getting misinterpreted as rude or mean by people when I think I'm being polite and nice is anxiety related or has something to do with the other people and not me, she thinks me controlling my facial expressions to make sure I seem attentive and friendly is my anxiety, she thinks me not being able to make myself do things like work or fun stuff is just my anxiety, she thinks my issues with rejection (i think its RSD but she has never called it that) is my anxiety and trauma...

I mean I do have an anxiety disorder but I just idk. I was so sure that maybe I had ADHD or Autism or maybe both? I was at least pretty sure about ADHD, I've thought that for years... My friends seem sure too, especially the ones with Autism and/or ADHD... I just kinda thought that some of the things I did was masking and missing social cues. She says she doesn't think I have Autism at least because I can understand social cues sometimes and that she just doesn't really see me having it... I even mentioned that I found out that my disability (AMC) has ties to Autism and Epilepsy through a specific gene so I thought maybe it was possible, but she said that she knew that gene and that it mostly affects boys so idk I guess not...

I don't want to say I think she's wrong because she's a professional and she knows better than me, she even has a little brother who is Autistic so she has personal experience with it... Idk. I guess I just feel like I don't get much comfort from saying that those things I do and feel are just my anxiety disorder because it feels wrong, it just doesn't feel that way, but maybe that's something I'll have to get over and accept... I mean there are lots of things that I do and feel that I can confidently and comfortably say is from my anxiety disorder but idk not everything.

She says I should tell my friends to stop saying that they think I'm Autistic/to stop diagnosing me and that I need to not let other people tell me who I am so I can figure it out for myself but idk... it's just so confusing to me. I feel like I can't figure out a diagnosis for myself because I'm not a professional and I don't want to self diagnose because I don't want to misrepresent anyone who might actually have it if I don't. I feel a little lost because I kinda thought I maybe figured something out that explained why I am the way that I am that felt correct to my experience...

[wander-wren]

okay so i AM going to talk about the problems with shiver but in a serious way. keeping in mind i’ve read the books a few times but it’s been at least a year or two since i did more than pick through them, so. memory shot

i’m also trying to be as factual and neutral as possible but i will give my personal opinion on everything and i’m biased bc i love this book so it is. generally critical-positive.

shiver & neurodivergence/mental health

while it’s not explicitly stated, grace’s mom (potentially dad?) and her best friend rachel are both heavily adhd-coded. rachel is described as “ditzy” and is always hyper and excitable. i think she’s a little bit stereotypical, a little over the top, but nothing about her strikes me as especially bad rep. grace’s mom, on the other hand, is incredibly distracted and always off doing The Art, and neither of grace’s parents ever have time for her or remember that she exists. so. there’s that.

idk i have adhd and i don’t really have a problem with it, i feel like rachel’s coding was very deliberate and the parents’ less so. the parents’ actions are definitely never excused just bc they’re flighty and distractible, which is correct, it’s still their job to raise their kid regardless of their issues. but i won’t speak for everyone.

second, salem is one of the minor wolf pack members, characterized by his “running eye” and the implication that he’s not All There. we don’t see enough of him in flashbacks to really tell what’s going on there, but he seems to have a solid place in the pack as both a wolf and a human. i always felt like him Looking Crazy was overkill, but again, we only see him as a human in flashbacks, and very rarely, so i can’t draw many conclusions.

there’s also shelby and jack, two side characters who are frequently referred to as “psycho” or “psychotic.” mostly by isabel. i’m inclined to let this slide with a critical look bc the book did come out in 2009, and isabel is absolutely the kind of girl who would use those words. she’s mean. but the language and the implications are there, and ofc i don’t experience psychosis so i can’t say it’s fine or not definitively.

we see shelby more. she seems to lack empathy and have a sadistic side, as shown by her torturing a bird and releasing mr. darrio’s dogs to attack (and nearly kill) paul. beck implies once that she comes from an abusive home, so it’s possible she has a personality disorder caused by trauma. i don’t know enough about personality disorders to attempt to diagnose her, though. she’s also shown to have an obsession with sam, who is about her age, talking about them being mates as wolves someday when they’re both pre-teens. she likes being a wolf for the escapism, which is fair, actually. she does attempt to kill both grace and sam a couple of times and successfully kills grace’s friend olivia. i think shelby is super scary and interesting but there’s also definitely some very ugly implications there. she dies unredeemed.

jack is isabel’s brother who is presumed dead in a wolf attack until he shows up as a werewolf. pre-wolf, he’s known to be violent and a bully, and actually provoked the pack to attack him by shooting them with a BB gun. as a wolf he is mostly unstable and violent, but doesn’t kill anything more consequential than his family dog. ouch. he does, however, kidnap grace at one point in an attempt to find a “cure” for werewolfism, and would have killed her if she didn’t comply. he just seems to have a lot of anger management issues, to be quite honest. he does die in the process of actually curing his werewolf-ness and this is treated as sad. it’s definitely a horrific way to go (untreated bacterial meningitis. the idea is you burn the wolf out via fever, then hope you can treat the meningitis in time. did not work for him). i think jack is just generally a dick and isabel calls him a ps*cho bc that’s how she is.

finally, there’s cole, who as i mentioned is deeply suicidal and he does drugs and becomes a werewolf about it. he also gets a whole book to himself, it’s great. he’s…basically just your standard bad boy rockstar who’s actually a tortured genius who’s actually an asshole, but he has Growth. i love him, personally. i can’t think of anything wrong with his portrayal in the books but i thought i’d include him in the interest of thoroughness.

shiver & representation.

there are zero (0) characters of color in shiver. it’s set in minnesota. the one exception MIGHT be paul, who is described as “dark” (not dark-skinned or dark-haired, just dark) and is black in wolf form. if you do decide that paul counts, he does die, but so do like, a fuckton of characters, and he does make it through most of three books iirc. werewolves are NOT a racism allegory in this series. and i’m white, so again, not my place to decide, but i think “no poc” is at least a step above “poc but they’re all treated horribly.”

originally this was just a race section but i’m back to add that (other than the section above), there are no characters from marginalized groups at all. again, it’s better than bad rep, and sign of the times and all, but it’s…definitely a thing.

shiver & cliches

yeah now that we’ve gotten through the ~problematic~ bits we gotta address the “twilight knockoff cashgrab” allegations. i have not read twilight (i feel so unqualified to be doing this?? i have no expertise on anything), BUT my main impressions are:

vampires

super special immune to vampires MC

werewolves

love triangle

so, shiver has werewolves. that’s it. the werewolves in shiver turn into regular old wolves every winter, then to humans in the summer. every year, it takes less cold to turn them wolves and more heat to turn them human, shortening their human time, until roughly 20 years in they become wolves forever. no special powers, no imprinting mess, nada.

(if you’re curious the book explains that moving to a warm climate doesn’t work. some of the pack moved to texas, but the constant heat just made them hypersensitive to cold and one of them got turned by air conditioning. you can cure werewolfism with an extremely high fever, but this also obviously has a high chance of killing the human as well.)

no vampires. no love triangle. one dude has an obvious crush on grace but she brushes him off even before sam is an option.

technically grace is a little bit special because she was attacked by wolves but didn’t turn. this is bc soon after she was locked in a hot car by her parents while also having the flu, and, you guessed it, got hot enough to cook the wolf out of her. she does still have some wolf traits like the ability to communicate with them in their telepathic image-language a bit. her experience is how they figure out the cure later on, but it’s not permanent and she does eventually become a werewolf as well. she and sam do have a Special Connection, but it’s because he was the wolf who dragged her away from the pack when they attacked her as a kid, and she remembered and watched him in the woods after that while he developed a crush.

the only twilight things i know a lot about are breaking dawn pt 2 the movie and that is absolutely nothing like shiver, lol. there’s no politics in shiver, there’s barely even a wolf pack by the time the current plot happens.

i will actually talk about the “cashgrab” element in another post bc it started getting too long so stay tuned

shiver & unproblematic crimes

i think the book uses “sexy” as a descriptor like, four times, and i hate that.

i think rachel is kinda annoying.

sam has never done anything wrong ever in his life and has so much plot armor. actually i don’t think this is a problem. i love him and he deserves everything

“lovely summer girl” is not actually that great. it’s very sweet but eh. some of sam’s other bits of lyrics throughout the book are cool though

the tl;dr of all of this is that shiver has some uncomfortable issues. but i don’t personally think that they make it unreadable or not worthwhile if you’re interested in that kind of thing. it is a little bit cringe at times, it’s not stiefvater’s best, but it’s good at being disturbing and devastating and romantic, which is the point.

[feralparsnip]

dude the substance would have been so good if it had been like. about anything. loved the effects

at the 1 hr mark i was like damn. where are they going with this. at the 2 hr mark i was like Are. they going anywhere with this.

like the only observations it had for me were

we all fear the passage of time

women fear aging and this can lead to tragic self destructive behavior

men act fucked up to women and its just normal (no examination of why it is normal. no questioning if it could be different)

intravenous drug use is scary

self harm is scary

"""""deformed"""""" bodies are scary. like idk what to call monstera elizasue thb. shes like a flesh... sculpture ... and like do real people look like that no. but it should not be eliciting revulsion and disgust and violence in you to see somebody trying to peacefully communicate to you from a body greatly divergent from the hegemonic ideal. and like it was just used as a shock shot so they could have their carrie ballroom scene yk

there was nothing in the second half of the movie i didn't find to be stated more impactfully in the first half. like what was so striking to me was how elizabeth was not a person to the men around her BUT also other women were not people to her. like the most we hear from another woman is when that secretary corrects Shithead TV Exec about her name, and then when monstera elizasue is imagining she's like. adored ig in the orange hallway

envision with me a version of this movie from the perspective of the fat cleaning lady we see in the bg of 1 scene and never again, the one elizabeth doesn't even bother to look at, the unpretty woman. lets follow her as she arrives each week to alternately clean elizabeth's and sue's messes up as she lives through her sort of clumsy addiction-as-metaphor-for-disordered-eating medical horrorcore arc and contrast their circumstances perhaps. imagine her interiority as she looks at the life of this lady and feels whatever she feels about it. or something

or what if the substance had instead been a 17 step skincare routine kit instead of addicts are scawytime. and then we could at least examine part of WHY elizabeth felt such incredible pressure to stay in her self destructive binge purge cycles. like come on this lady runs a jazzercize aerobics program how many eating disorders has she herself contributed to? how many young girls grew up with that on the TV every morning as sue said in her interview on Generic Talkshow? like this lady made Penthouse In Movieland money from admonishing women that they didnt want to "look like a jellyfish at the beach" i.e. ...be fat, ig. which is a little funny given how much this movie cares about how sue's ass jiggles. like elizabeth/sue's boss is absolutely exploiting her and she in turn is exploiting her horde of anxious women who are perhaps themselves self harming and having to deal with it without a penthouse-amount of resources available to them.

OR even a final shot of the substance envelope being delivered on the doorstep of some other girl so the point could have at least been "the cycle continues" but no. we want to look AT this rich girl suffer but not ask why she has to suffer or who makes the things that make her suffer and what their deal is.

when the movie was campy and overbearing in the beginning i was like damn!! wow!! like its called the substance so when it was Overproduced and kind of literal (like when the uptown girl Literally debases herself to get to The Drugs Lockers like....god) i was fine with it bc it wanted to talk about the disconnect between ""beauty"" as an ideal and as a practice and the distinctly unpretty suffering that accompanies such practices off screen. when elizabeth's apartment set looked like it was AI generated with the soft lights and odd shapes and velvet everywhere i was like omg!!!!

but no we are lazer focused on this one lady's self destruction. and she finds it, as the opening scene assured us she would, and crawls onto her little hollywood star like the critter from the thing, and expires as pointlessly as she lived, to be immediately forgotten.

before monstera elizasue i thought that the movie was in part blaming the tv execs and their misogyny for elizabeth's (and sue, ig, but i dont think they're actually discontiguous in their experiences) suffering. when we watched sue's ass jiggle in the first half i thought we the audience were being reproached, like Look, You're Objectifying Her! Look How Being Objectified Lead To Her Disturbance In Her Sense Of Self And To Her Suffering. but then, monstera elizasue arrives, the moviemaker's platonic ideal of uglyness, ig, and we watch the backup dancers asses jiggle as they're covered in fake blood and i think: why in this movie about how destructive it is to make women into objects are women objects here in the final scene? we are not invited to think about these women at all.

it seems like the punchline was "look at how foolish this woman was to fruitlessly pursue youth for the benefit of people who do not care about her at all" and very little "look at the people who contributed to her destruction". like we want to look AT the cage she is in but not examine how that is connected to literally anything else

im rod serling, was that fucked up or what

[autisticlee]

read a random article that was covered in eugenics and bad allistic views of autism, about finding the genes fir autism. but the fact that it keeps trying to say "autism is majority in males" makes me want to yell because SO MANY AUTISTIC GIRLS GET OVERLOOKED. SO MANY PEOPLE WHO WERE AFAB ARE AUTISITC AND NEVER KNOW UNTIL LATER IN LIFE. most of the autistic people I know WERE AFAB. the majority I know are not male. if what they're saying is true, then that would not be my experience. most of these people were either late diagnosed or not at all.

but we all know autism research has always been conducted in sexist manner. leaving out girls the entire time. this reflects to today and keeps going. of course you'll say less girls are autistic if you already have that bias and don't want to diagnose them as much.

a lot of the way the article was written felt very anti-autism or however you call it. like the person first language "boy with autism" and usikg autism speaks as a source and calling autism a behavioral disorder. idk why I read such nonsense eugenics bad autism research article. but this is also what most autism research is like. it's horrible. we need better research from actually autistic people, since the allistics don't understand us at all and hate us.

[strawberriesancreamdrpepper]

I haven't updated in awhile about my life so here it is.

outside of not really losing much my after school gym classes start next week. it's kind of nice bc the gym teacher is my English teacher and she's really nice so hopefully she'll just let me run the whole time. I'm also going to start going to the planet fitness in my town again instead of my treadmill bc it's starting to get below freezing in the garage and I can't run in there. me and the girl I have a crush on are hanging out again tmrw, and I'm really excited. we're going to meet up in the outskirts of the city and then go back to her place to do homework. I baked her and her family cookies because I wanted to make a good first impression. hope I didn't do tm or seem like I'm too idk like I'm courting her. In a weird way. Idk. Anyway I've had a lot of homework and midterms are coming up before break starts so it's kind of difficult to stay active when I spend all my time sleeping doing homework excersising or thinking about her. honestly it's taking up a lot of time I sort of wish I could js get it over with and ask her out so I don't think abuut it all day. but I don't want to do it too soon even though I think she likes me back. she's been flirting I think, I asked one of my other friends who knows I have a crush on her and I sent her some of the texts we've had and she says that it's definitely flirting. not in a weird way but she has autism so I don't know how good she is at reading this type of social situation cause personal interactions is a struggle for her but I'm going off that. I really want to ask her out by the time Christmas break comes, I was thinking like the Thursday before the last day of school so that if she does end up saying she doesn't like me back I have the whole break to recouperate and be ready to face it when we go back. she's so pretty and funny though I just really like her. I haven't felt so happy in a long time. it's honestly taking my mind off my eating disorder, and that's sort of a relief. I love my an@ but sometimes it's tiring when all I think Abt is c@ls. she may be catching on a bit bc she keeps bringing me apples and asking if I eat them. I tell her no bc I don't and I don't want to lie to her but an@ always comes first. that's why I'm always hesitant to talk to people cause they don't deserve to deal with my problems but if I just hide it it won't really affect them? as long as I don't complain about it yk. I told her protocol if I pass out in front of her, because it may or honestly probably will happen at some point. she seemed a little freaked out and I hope I didn't scare her off but idk. but she texts me good morning everyday and like we text almost non stop and we've hung out when we can at school. tmrw I'm helping her catch up bc she was sick last week and fell behind in school. and I also have a lot of hw and I need to do some stuff so I will probably js try and get it all done and stuff and I'm sure it'll be fine. If my grades start to drop though I will have to put a little distance between us bc I have my priorities straight yk. I really want her to ask me out first cause I don't want to do it but also she's never dated anyone before so I don't really think she'll do it? Bc I've dated ppl before and she might feel weird idk. but idk. I feel awful about it sometimes. like whenever im not actively talking to her sometimes my mind js drifts and I come up with all the different reasons she would hate me and all the stuff I've said and done wrong with talking to her and how like she probably won't ever talk to me again and once she finds out how I'm actually like she will leave and never talk to me again like all my friends before her. idk I don't deserve friends atp. I think I'm ruined. but at least I have an@ and my grades. that's the only things I can really control atp and at least it keeps me busy and gives me a reason to keep going. even though I consider myself a terrible broken person I've been feeling really good recently. haven't binged in a bit which is nice. trying to yk not do that.

okay that's a lot so I think I'm going to go finish my laundry and go to sleep cause it's like almost 11pm rn. hope u enjoyed reading my rant about my life xx

[m00sebaby]

gonna go ahead and slap this rambling under a read more to save everybody's brain eyes

i accidentally (lets be honest it was as much of an accident as when a drunk driver rams his car into a light pole, i knew what i was doing when i got behind the wheel) got edtwt stuff on my fyp on twitter. the initial incident was just something breaking containment and then my worm infested brain decided to scroll. now i get it semi-regularly and it's just kind of morbid curiosity. like i know i shouldn't look based on my personal history but i can't help it, its like an addiction idk. and then today i saw a tweet that was a body check like a before & after picture and the girl's before looks just like me rn. i am still a healthy weight, i am a size small in nearly everything i wear (obligatory: not that that matters but the brain worms think its very important to say out loud) if anything i've lost some muscle tone because i haven't been working out or nearly as active as i was like may '23 but all the same this is probably the first time in a while i have been a healthy bmi (again, obligatory: not that that matters, also bmi is fake) and not underweight in some capacity. SO i should be happy! but, plot twist: i am not!

i know that a lot of my discontent with my body actually lies in the fact that i haven't been working out and ultimately i would rather be lean and toned than emaciated. but its so hard to not see that shit and not be triggered in some way? which any person with a half functioning brain will probably say "yes, duh, you absolute moron, thats how those sorts of things work". and then they'd say "just block those people, don't look at those tweets" and that's also correct but it is not easy to force myself to do something because there is some sort of like endorphin return seeing that stuff and wanting to try to hurt myself like that again (an obligatory: many forms of self harm are addictive despite not always appearing so on the outset so of course the worm brain applauds seeing that sort of shit). ultimately, i should not look but i do want to and that's something i'll sort out one day. i just don't remember a single point in my life when i didnt have some semblance of an ed and its very exhausting to still feel this way.

i have gotten better at forcing myself to eat food that i want but don't think is "healthy". like if i want a pot of mac and cheese that's fine. is it just carbs and dairy and calorically rich? yeah. but is my body hungry and deserving of comforting food? yes. and i am proud of that much. but all the same it is hard to not feel that age old competitive-ness, "how to kill myself the fastest" olympics that i felt most of my teenage/college years and when seeing people my size lose weight. i grew up with a mother with an ed and a sister who's ed made her exceptionally popular on this dumbass webbed site (i'll never forget the notes her body checks would get, all of those folks were complicit in her disorder and i would break their legs given a chance!) and i was actually the least "successful" of all of them in that respect. i have always been the one that weighed the most comparatively. i guess i'm just tired of feeling this way and i want to not feel this way and, despite many efforts to fight my brain at every turn, i still have these moments. and i think its because the part of my brain that has some self-respect is tired of feeling like this but the worms still crop up and they are absolutely NOT tired of this. they love this shit.

i feel like all of this is me trying to put words to a very abstract, vague feeling.

[thepancakewitch]

life is so grey

dream recollection / blood, gore, thoughts of violence

I think about how often I'm overthinking black and white when I need to be thinking Grey.

Grey rhymes with gay......... food for thought..... 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 jk lol idk

I think it's just such a limited understanding, then coming from a very Christian background of right and wrong, it's harder to discern.

I had a dream I was at a larp event and someone was murdering others, and I just... didn't care. I remember I saw one person getting dragged, their fingernails coming off and I thought, well, I hope it's quick. It irked me when I woke up. There was so much blood in that dream. I remember how I was desperately clinging on to two of my friends and I remember people kept trying to say they were the murderers, when it was other people I hardly ever saw outside of my friend group. We all went home and other people kept stealing my food. I saw the girl who did it, and I said, "No it's okay." I smiled, took the left overs, began eating it and splitting it in half with another girl friend. This person looked horrified. I was like, "Was it good? Did you taste everything?" I envisioned myself punching her into a bloody pulp. It felt great.

I feel like I really only get that vengeful sort of anger when I feel a great injustice has happened. I almost wonder if it's an allegory for my mom since I used to have both my food and money stolen by her all the time. I remember she'd call me fat and then immediately say I don't eat enough, while either eating what I enjoyed or throwing it out despite it not being past date.

I've been reflecting on myself lately. I am now aware of how mentally ill I am and how it takes a toll on me. I get this revelation every so often when I'm not on autopilot. It's hard, yknow? To live with so many disorders. I'm really glad I'm always with people who share similar experiences or understand me to a degree.

I really adore my boyfriends so much. It's so great to be able to help them both. I love them a lot. They're always there for me. 🥲💕❤ I know I can be a hand full but I'm so glad there's two pairs of loving arms to catch me. It's weird seeing one of them really open up to me and come around. I say boyfriends lol... what I mean is boyfriend and fwb/dating/but basically a thing?? I'm like what would you even label us? He said well yknow the... dating not dating... or willing to say it... my boyfriend is so sweet, I love him so much. He's like my shadow, we work in unison, and I enjoy him a lot.

I feel bad because lately I've been getting nothing but migraines and it's like there's no end. I can only think of one day this week I haven't had one, then it later formed so it didn't matter.

I'm tired lol. I have work to do but I am tired.

If I do get this job I want, being a peer specialist, expect more weird introspection like this. I don't really talk to people about it but I want them to know.

[gibbearish]

this version of this post has been popping off recently which makes me really happy bc of how many people are learning they might have this disorder and it can be treated, however it is also a slight bummer because this version has a lot more info on how you can treat it yourself as well. so with that, i am once again requesting assistance, pls spread this version too if you can !! it really is helping people, ive been going through the notes today to direct ppl to that version and idk it just. makes me Feel Things knowing the good that's come of this? and wanted to share a few so ppl would know like. look what we did!! look at the people we helped!!!

(once again throwing the alt under readmore)

image id: screenshots of 11 sets of tumblr tags.

the first reads "#hold the FUCKING phone youre telling me im not the only one who couldnt fit a tampon in??? #man i had several people insist to me i was just doing it wrong #i knew i wasnt #dude if i had known this years ago i know what the first thing i bought with my first paycheck would have been i stg".

the second reads "#This is literally so important. #13 year old me needed this post so badly so please let the minors see it. #it is important to know about these kinds of things early on #it is important for children to know that their pain is abnormal so that it doesn't worsen. #i didn't know i had vaginismus until i was an adult #all i knew as a kid in a religious family was that I couldn't put a tampon in without excrutiating pain #and that i was one day going to be expected to "please" my husband #which was terrifying #for an extremely long time i had a phobia of sex and birth #still kind of do at the age of 26 #and it could have been prevented had i been allowed to know about ny body as a child".

the third reads "#Sex ed #i'm actually crying #Because i didnt know other people dealt with this. i thought it was just a 'oh poor little insecure 'virgin' '''girl''' thing #i can only fit one brand of tampon in. #this is probably way too personal but i feel seen because of this post so #i mean i knew about the dilators and therapy because of my close friend but i didnt know there was a name for this."

the fourth reads "#..... #today i learned i might have vaginismus #this is the second Nickle where tumblr taught me things about myself where it's not normal #tampons aren't supposed to hurt??? insane #no wonder i felt off about vaginal penetration but i thought that was the ace in me #still is about the ace in me but it's another thing too".

the fifth reads "#no yeah this is incredibly important #like. i started crying reading this #tmi obvi given the subject matter #but like. im ace! and i had just. given up on experiencing anything with that #because im ace and i can easily 'live without it' #the idea of it never being enjoyable and always being painful even tho im emotionally neutral on the act itself like #i thought 'well. that sucks but its fine cuz its not like i crave it. im ace. i don't need it' #when like. i CAN do it it doesnt HAVE to hurt theres things that can be done and it doesnt have to be scary and awful!!!! #i knew about the dilators for the longest time. they intimidated me out of getting help because #i just didnt think i could force myself through that regularly until it 'got better' #but i can use wearable toys!!!! it doesnt have to be awkward and stiff!!!!!!! i can get help and DO something about it oh my god #i finally stopped crying but oh my god".

the sixth reads "#resource #reference #wait wait wait #this is. a THING???? #i dont use tampons because its so painful to take them our!!! #and the only ones i can get IN are the smallest size #and it takes FOREVER because its SUPER uncomfortable #youre telling me this is an actual thing and i could treat it #????????".

the seventh reads "#oh? 👁️👄👁️ #today i learned i might have... vaginismus... #thank you for making this post and sharing it 🙏 #penetration even with smaller objects has always been painful for me and i never knew why 🥲 #tmi".

the eighth reads "#SAVE #SCREAMS #on main bc its medical this is important shit".

the ninth reads "#long post #holy shit i may have to research this #would explain some things #vaginismus".

the tenth reads "#i wish id know this when i was younger #i grew up in a very religious household where purity culture was very strict #sex literally became traumatizing cuz it hurt so bad #i'm almost 30 now and working throufh that trauma and the pain of something i left untreated for a decade".

the last one reads "#OH MY GOD #THANK YOU #ARE YOU SHITTING ME #ive NEVER been able to put a tampon in and the one time i got one half-in hurt like hell #NO ONE EVER FUCKING TOLD ME THIS WAS A THING I THOUGHT I WAS JUST DOING IT QRONG #im actually crying oh my god #brb im gonna do some research #GOD FUCK #THANK YOU OP AND CONTRIBUTORS #save #save for later #important #vaginismus #sex ed". end description.

got a good grade in physical therapy because i ordered a sex toy life is fun

[menlove]

.

i know it's to do w trauma but i really truly hate how little i remember of my life... like. even other ppl i've met with trauma will tell me so many stories about their childhood or teenage years and have so many details to it. meanwhile i literally don't remember... much of anything. i remember very vague things and most of it is because i've talked about it with other people so many times that it's Become a pseudo memory, but anything i didn't talk about i don't really remember.

like i was going through my old blog yesterday, the one i had from 2014-2015 and it's actually genuinely distressing how much i do not remember. like just a small example but my boyfriend's parents bought us a blu-ray player and we've been watching first class bc i only have it on blu-ray and i told my boyfriend like haha this is the first time i'm actually watching it on blu-ray bc we never had one before so i kind of just owned it to have it and it came with a digital copy....... only to find a post on my old blog where i mentioned that i was pirating first class because i "didn't have a blu-ray player anymore" and had watched it 1000 times on the blu-ray. i literally do not remember ever owning a blu-ray, let alone watching first class on anything but pirating/streaming. and that was just smth small! i'm going through my personal posts and i remember literally fucking none of it. i would talk about girls i was crushing on and i don't remember who they are or what their names were, i would talk about shows i was watching that i'm now sitting here like i've never even fucking heard of that show. i would talk about my best friend on here, this girl named reny, and i hadn't even fucking remembered that her name was reny until now even though we were best friends for like 3 years. but i didn't remember how we met (which was apparently through roleplaying charles & erik, which i didn't even remember i had done with anyone other than my ex), i didn't remember any of our conversations, i don't even remember where she lived. i don't remember any of the classes i was talking about taking, i have misremembered so much that is clearly documented differently on that blog... i don't know anything about my own life

and it's genuinely really terrifying. like i know i Know it is a dissociative disorder of some kind to do with trauma but what bugs me is i don't know what kind and i honestly do not really Want to know.

idk. earlier i tagged a post abt younger me like she just wasn't the one that could make it to adulthood and earlier i was talking about teenage me and was like i may have been going by she/her at the time but that one has a distinctly they/them vibe and anything else feels weird. and i'm not looking into it or staring directly at it bc this is smth to discuss with a therapist (or better yet, not with anyone ever at all bc i don't want to think about it) but i genuinely do not feel like i was the one driving that body for that long. it feels like there was a young girl that died when she was 9, then there was a really depressed tween/teen that made it to 16, and after that there's been me. i have memories now, after 16, with actual substance to them. but before that? nothing. and the me that was there from 9-16 felt the same way about the kid that was 0-9 and i only know that because they talked about it. and it is! terrifying! i hate it! i don't like to think about it! i don't want to know what it means and i don't want to know how much traumatic shit i have simply just literally forgotten bc it doesn't feel like it happened to me at all.

i don't remember my life. at all. everyone else seems to. even the most traumatized of my peers will tell me stories with so much clarity and detail and they know all the names of their friends and exes and all these places they went and things they did... all i remember is where i lived and what i looked like bc i have pictures. that's it. even things like interests are all jumbled and mixed up and i thought i could at least categorize those with some accuracy, but looking at this blog... i can't. i've forgotten (like completely forgotten to the point that i do not recognize the media name) major interests. i've lost so much. i don't know how to take that.

[daggersandarrows]

idk if i'm gonna finish giving full thoughts on my sherlock rewatch but i did want to say that like. holy shit the way this show handles neurodivergence and mental illness is just...bad. it's just bad. and often has no idea of its implications. suicide is a tragedy (but also mostly a plot device) if the good guys do it. suicide is pretty much inconsequential (but also mostly a plot device) if the bad guys do it. addiction is either a punchline or a thing to yell at someone about (and also mostly a plot device) that comes and goes exactly as the plot needs it. and i could write a whole essay on the use/misuse of sociopath and psychopath on sherlock and mycroft.

but aside from all that, they made the series four villain a canonically psychotic person with heavily implied plurality who is depicted as an entirely unfeeling murderer who started killing barely out of toddlerhood because no one would play with her. it felt weird as a teenager but as an adult it just gave me an awful sinking feeling, specifically because in kind of a weird way, it was almost realistic. i'm so used to the sheer unrealism and stupidity of movies like split at this point that i barely bat an eye at them--like it still hurts but. whatever i guess. but this idea of eurus having sort of an alternate consciousness that's just a scared little girl, aww, but oops, that's the motivation for all the heartless murder she's committing and the fucking arson and psychological torture, sorry!

it just...it's very not good. it's simply not good, it is bad and terrible. this is not to say that people with psychosis or dissociative disorders or schizoaffective disorders etc are incapable of doing bad things, even that they are incapable of doing bad things affected or influenced by their disorders, but holy shit i am tired of media acting like they're the root of all evil and a reason for people to be capital v Villains. we're not fucking monsters. we're people whose minds protect and cope for us differently.