#i dont have time for more sleep rn how do i cure this

[norholy]

the headache, the nausea, zapped energy… what’s happening

[toastsnaffler]

hope my dr gets back to me abt the change to private service I messaged her last night saying it Should be okay and asking for info abt fees n any changes.. so painful communication is now gonna cost £360 per hour/£6 per min 😬🤕

[solarwoniii]

na kamden as your boyfriend - boys planet

hcs + ranking ehehe

sleeping beside kamden - 6/10

i just know he sleeps good. like so good that when you see him sleeping you want to sleep as well bc he looks so peaceful.

HE CUDDLES GOOD TOO >< his hugs are warm and comforting and just rly nice to be in.

IK HES RIZZY TOO HE'LL BE GIVING U THEM GOOD FOREHEAD KISSES N EVERYTHING

he looses the other 4 marks bc i just feel like he would be the most ANNOYING SHIT to wake up when it's time to get ready for work or errands or whatnot because no matter how much he sleeps he always wants more 🙄 like he'll keep asking for another ten minutes in bed AND BEG for u to stay with him for that time

literally will not wake up unless you smack him over the head with a pillow. and then he'll be all whiny n shit BOY SHUT THE FUCK UP.

going on dates with kamden - 10/10

idk i feel like overall dates w/ him wld be so nice T^T he wld treat u like a princess JSJSJSJJJSJJS I WANT HIM

IS THE TYPE TO BUY YOU FLOWERS AND PAY FOR THINGS

will have set times every two weeks when he will drop everything to go out with u bc he hates the idea of being too busy to spend time with u

ok quick random things i think he wld do for u in public ; ORDER FOR U EFJIDNJIED (AND HAVE UR ORDER MEMORISED DONT EXPECT TO HAVE TO TELL HIM TWICE WHAT U LIKE), tie ur shoelaces (dead rn), hold your hand when he walks with you, give u head pats, let u choose where u want to go, share his food with you (psst even if he complains with that 'but you said you didn't want anything!!' shit just know he absolutely loves it when u eat his food SO DONT LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS), buy u cute gifts that he thinks resembles you.

kamden comforting you when you're sad - 10000000/10

idk if this man has implanted y/n senses or something BUT HE JUST KNOWS WHEN YOURE UPSET AND HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL BETTER

lots of hugs :(((( like i said hes an amazing hugger, that alone will cure your sadness at least temporarily.

will talk to you about if thats what you want to do,, hes the best listener and hes so supportive and attentive to you. he will find any way possible to help you fix the situation bcs he doesnt want you to feel like you're alone in anything T^T

then he cooks you your comfort food and eats with you and then puts on your favourite movie while he gives you even more cuddles on the couch, this time wrapped in fluffy blankets.

kamden apologising to you after/during a fight - 1000/10

WE LOVE A MAN WHO CAN OWN UP TO HIS MISTAKES AND KAMDEN IS EXACTLY THAT !!!!

he is the type to get upset and possibly start to cry when you're angry at him because he loves you so so so much and he would never ever ever hurt you intentionally :( he would definitely hug you while youre in the middle of yelling and say he'd sorry once he notices you starting to get upset as well.

but if you guys manage a whole fight without him apologising then expect it soon, because this man cannot live without you 😭

he will apologise with a gift or a hug or movie tickets for the both of you or your favourite food or something to compensate for what he did. i feel like his apologies aren't that verbal bc hes lwk scared of u and a lot more physical HELP but even so you can tell that he's sincerely sorry and that he regrets what he did.

kamden getting jealous - 9/10

ehehhehehe he would be so cute

bc he struggles with talking to people he doesn't know he will be just quiet and observing the whole thing

but as soon as the person leaves he will be the whiniest big baby 😭😭bro will not allow you to leave his side for the rest of the day and for the rest of the week he will be doing whatever he can to make sure he proves to you that hes way better than anyone else (WHICH HE IS‼️)

will be the happiest boy alive when you tell him that you love no one but him <333

kamden overall - 10372023586492392892732927328/10

kamden is the sweetest boyfriend ever and will love you more than himself <33 you are his world and he will make sure you know that because he doesn't want to have you any other way.

[1d-trashcan]

hello!!

i was just going through your blog and you have mentioned a anxiety disorder a few times, i do not really know anything about it so if you want to please educate me on this concept, if you dont wanna its all good. just know i am here if u wanna talk any time :)))))))))

HI!! I absolutely wanna educate you, thanks for asking :) This is suuuper long though, I'm so sorry :´(

There's a few anxiety disorders out there but the most common ones are social anxiety disorder or panic disorder, and then there's GAD which is short for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have GAD.

Stress and anxiety is an evolutional response to danger more commonly known as fight or flight, which is the sympathetic nervous system being activated. GAD is the body being stuck in fight or flight mode, whereas social anxiety, for instance, generally means that the sympathetic nervous system kicks in in social environments (like a phone call or meeting a person).

GAD, usually presents as excessive worry about anything and everything. My grandmother will cough and my brain will think "she has lung cancer and she's dying". When I didn't know I was ill I was basically living in a nightmare. I've had a lot of therapy so nowadays I can identify it as an anxiety thought and ignore it. Some days I can't shake them, and those days are just bad anxiety days. And I can either power through it or I can take anxiety medication, but I can't work on those because they make me really drowsy.

You can develop GAD at any age, really. All it takes is being under extreme stress for a period of time, I think the criteria is like 6 months or something. There are differential diagnoses like chronic fatigue syndrome, ADHD/ADD, bipolar disorder and clinical depression that have to be excluded that early on, though. It's fairly easy to treat if caught early. It's hell, but they'll most likely have you on antidepressants and or something that helps you sleep and give you therapy. Therapy will help you deal with your triggers through cognitive behavioural therapy, exposure therapy (where you're literally exposed to your trigger/fear in a controlled environment) and that will in theory treat the disorder. You're never gonna remove anxiety because it's a survival instinct, but you're basically telling your brain that it's overreacting, and if you get help early you can actually be cured.

I have GAD because I was bullied between ages 10-16, and there's also a probability that my parents' divorce started the whole thing. The problem was that I didn't get proper help until I was 19 and I didn't even meet with a psychiatrist until I was 25 (I'm 29 now). I'm never gonna be cured, we're basically just looking for ways to help me live WITH my anxiety. I just have too many triggers and my body is too used to being in this state that there's currently no way of fixing it.

GAD sometimes comes with executive dysfunction which is where you just physically can't do things. It's a very common ADHD symtom as well. You know you need to do it but you can't, and it essentially becomes a handicap. My most common triggers for executive dysfunction is school work of any kind, opening my mail or important phone calls. In Sweden this is actually recognized as a handicap, which means that I can get help faster. But I have to make the call, which I can't do because of my anxiety so idk how foolproof that safeguard is. I'm on sick leave right now because of extreme stress (it could be chronic fatigue syndrom, but it's too early to tell rn) and now my executive dysfunction is everywhere, so like showering, cleaning my flat or making food is extremely tough and usually doesn't happen, so I have to take shortcuts (like eating at my parents' house, not washing my entire body and only cleaning small parts of my flat a a time).

Apart from being afraid anxiety triggers a lot of physical responses in your body because it is designed to keep us alive. If you have social anxiety you might have issues with your stomach (like stress pooping or nausea) when you have to engage with others or even, like, ride a train. GAD patiens almost always have chronic IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and muscle pains because our bodies are constantly preparing for flight. I have really bad chronic muscle pain in my neck and upper back which leads to tension headaches. So on any given day, I'd rate my pain at a 5, and that's just. A thing I have to live with.

Physical activity generally alleviates the pain and the endorphins from workout are really beneficial but you can't exercise GAD away. It's just something that helps.

I'm on a high dose of antidepressants, antihistamines to make me sleep and quetiapine/seroquel, which is a mood stabiliser that basically reduces my executive dysfunction, and my medication is always gonna change depending on what my life looks like. Realistically I'm always gonna be on some form of antidepressant. I'm on SNRI's, which control the serotonin and noradrenaline in my brain.

Naturally, my serotonin is really low and my noradrenaline is really high, but in a healthy person the serotonin is high and the noradrenaline is low. The body typically restores the serotonin/noradrenaline levels during sleep, but my brain does the exact opposite so I just have extreme anxiety during the night, which is why I'm on medication to sleep bc otherwise I a) don't sleep and b) have terrible nightmares. I still have those nightmares, but the antihistamine I'm on is a muscle relaxant as well as an anxiety medication so it helps calm me down so I don't really remember my nightmares and it reduces my muscle pain by quite a bit. I still have bad nights that lead to bad days when I'm in a lot of pain. I sleep in a fetal position and tense up at night and I have a weighted blanket to help me relax so during those bad days I have trouble walking becausec my hip muscles are locked.

I think i basically covered everything. There's a lot more to it if you have any questions. I'm super open about this, and have been since I started therapy when I was 19 because I literally did not know I was sick until I was 17 and it took another two years to understand just how bad it was so I like to be as vocal as possible so people might find out and get help.

I'm SO SORRY for this long ass post though.

[semiotomatics]

cant sleep as uʒ, gonna wordvomit if you dont mind

its really fucking scary to notice yourself changing. like, even if its good changes. idk maybe its just me and my hyper-rigid sense of self but like. i need to be able to feel like i understand myself, and when that understanding starts to slip it. uhh. it freaks me out a lil.

honestly that was one of the scariest parts of finally going on medication for my mental issues. like, do i want to be happy and have energy and not be scared and vaguely suicidal all the time? yes, of course i do. but theres a part of me thats also like. but thats all ive ever known. thats who i am. when you take it away whats gonna fill the empty space?

and like. i kinda feel like im starting to find out. i mean, im still not cured by any stretch of the imagination, but i have noticed improvements, as well as just. changes (neutral). or maybe its changes (terrifying). changes in how i feel, how i think, what i want.

like. for example. ive considered myself ace since the day i first heard the word as a teen, and tho my romantic orientation has always been kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, ive been considering myself aro for all intents and purposes for years. and i love being aroace. its genuinely a vital aspect of my identity. it feels right. but yeah. lately there have been changes.

and that was exactly what i was worried would happen! cause "you're not aro/ace, youre just depressed" is such a common aro/acephobic argument, one that i myself have been told and have argued against, even though i realized it was technically a possibility.

and i know theres nothing wrong with it if that does end up being the case here. i know it doesnt invalidate my aroaceness up till now, i know it doesnt invalidate anyone else's aro/aceness, i know its okay. but still. im scared of the change.

so yeah, thats a bit of what ive been grappling with for the past few weeks. as things stand now, i still consider myself aroace, i just. want a different kind of relationship rn than ive ever wanted before. whether it would be considered romantic or queerplatonic or what i dont know.

i also have no idea at all how to go about actually, like, getting that kind of relationship. all of a sudden all the allo media ive consumed makes so much more sense to me. this shits hard!! by comparison being aroace is a goddamn piece of cake (pun absolutely intended).

anyway. yeah. i always seem to have these thoughts at night when i cant sleep, and i just. needed to get them out. if youve read this far, you have my sincere admiration 💚 im gonna go collapse into a ball and try to figure out what the fuck i want in life lol

[crankynewt]

hii!!I dont know if you answer questions like this but if you can please please answer this🥰,I need an opinion coming from a marvel fan,do u think wanda and druig would like each other?(not in a romantic way)would they hate each other)what would they talked about if they ever met? Do u think wanda would be cold towards druig(just like how she is to the other avengers,if I'm not the only one who notice it)what would druig first impressions to wanda be?btw this ain't me shipping them I just really want them to meet cause they're me fav characters as of rn🤗

Hi! I love questions like this, so if anyone ever has any please feel free to shoot them my way! (And I completely agree with you, I want to see Wanda and Druig interacting platonically so bad!!)

At first, Druig would definitely feel extremely wary of Wanda, especially after Westview. At least in his own mind, the people in his commune had the ability to leave after time as he was not controlling their daily lives and free will. He had only removed them from a situation where they were massacring each other, and although we don't have the specifics, they still had control of their lives, which the citizens of Westview did not. That alone I think would be enough for him to classify the two groups differently.

It took Druig thousands of years to come to terms with the fact that he cannot use his powers to cure humanity of their flaws as, without them, they would not be human. Wanda, on the other hand, although unconsciously, used her powers to temporarily fix her own suffering by holding an entire town hostage. Druig is probably of the belief that struggling is how humans develop individually and become stronger, and sees what Wanda did as sort of "cheating" out of it. She is so immensely powerful, more so than himself, and that power with someone who is so young and has suffered so much scares him.

However, beneath that wariness, I believe that he would feel for her deeply as he understands exactly what she is going through in terms of having the power to end suffering, whether it be others' or your own, but being helpless to do so. Druig has come to terms with the moral limits of his powers, but prior to that, he suffered immense turmoil over it. The Eternals producers described him as something along the lines of a "tortured father," because of how much he loved humans and watched them grow for centuries but was powerless to save them from pain. Wanda, on the other hand, can be looked at as a "tortured mother," who all she wants is her family back and does in fact have the power to do so and prevent further pain for herself. Druig knows exactly what she is going through. If he has the chance, I'm sure he would try to help as he is quite possibly the only person in the world who has been in that exact position.

In terms of Wanda's feelings towards Druig, I think she would warm up to him fairly easily after Druig got a little less bristly and attempted to reach out to her. I think prior to that she would probably be a little untrusting of him, but feels so alone that someone reaching out to her will eventually get through as long as they recognize how very real everything in Westview was to her (none of that "Billy and Tommy weren't real" stuff because that just leads to House of M).

In terms of what Marvel is planning, there are a few possible routes:

- If they are setting up Wanda to be a villain in the next Avengers saga, they may choose to team her up with Druig as in the comics he does take up a villainous role. Marvel would likely go this route by him losing Makkari (not necessarily killing her, but he loses her), which causes him to lose all of his love for humanity. Druig will want to get her back, and Wanda would possess that power.

- They may also pit Druig against Wanda, similar to the Tiamut plan where he has to calm her or put her to sleep. After the events, he would likely help her in some way.

- If Wanda isn't being set up as a future villain, I predict it is likely the dynamic I described above that we would see.

I hope this answered your questions and lived up to your expectations!

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

[tauremornalome]

jc/lwj? this had not occurred to me but i'm thinking about it now and i am Intrigued. it seems extremely sad, which i like about it.

disclaimer, i am Really Bad at talking about things i like in fiction because dhdgsjdhdj Words Difficult (and also its almost 2 am rn)

BUT aaaaa yes!! extremely sad and angry, both of them. excellent mixture. let them argue and also kiss about it.

imagine you are jiang cheng and you lost Everything and you have like 3 relatively calm years to get your shit together. your sect, kinda isolated from others by the fact that you are not sworn bros with 3zun. your nephew, who is a baby and then a toddler and whose existence reminds you about everything you've lost. your own emotions - haha, good luck getting that in order lmao. for the expected period of time (or maybe a lil longer) you wear mourning robes, ONLY for your SISTER of-FUCKING-course (and you will whip anyone who suggests that you might be also maybe grieving wei wuxian).

also you saved that spooky flute and you rlly don't know what to do with it so you Repress Emotions Even Harder. and maybe hope someones gonna come and collect it (someone whos NOT jin guangyao, that lil snake. fuck off jin guangyao you are NOT getting yiling patriarch's flute. Stop Breaking Into My Chambers And Trying To Steal It)

and then. and then lan FUCKING wangji leaves his seclusion in Dramatic and also Very Fashionable Mourning Robes and you are like, ohhh master lan did someone die at the cloud recesses?? but wangji shoots you The Glare and of course you know who he is mourning. and you try very hard not to lose ur patience, right, and you wait for him to like maybe Stop and Get Over It, come on. but he doesn't, and also looks at you like you should be ashamed for not doing the same as him.

(also wangjis got a kid now and you perhaps remember a toddler running around the burial mounds, and you listen to the lan clan go "oh yes its hanguang juns illegitimate son, mhm. his name is Lan Imissweiying" and you are like. HOW is anyone buying this dumb story)

Yeah now imagine you are lan zhan and There Is No More Joy In Your Life, Birth Is A Curse And Existence Is A Prison, and you leave your seclusion being still depressed as fuck, and theres that guy who basically kind of killed wei ying. and even if he didnt kill him he still, you know, attempted. so. and that guy is apparently now famous for hunting demonic cultivators for sport??? for who knows what purposes but rlly probably nothing good considering he's whipping them with sexy lightning whip. and you are like, hey, i am ALSO gonna hunt demonic cultivators. No I Dont Know What Imma Do With Them. maybe ill find wei ying, u kno, since i lost my purpose in life anyway.

for the record, jiang cheng is probably also not sure what for hes hunting demonic cultivators. he has NO idea what hes gonna do if he actually finds wei wuxian.

So they probably keep running into each other??? And being VERY pissed off about it. knowing jiang cheng hes gonna yell at lwj for everything Except nightless city, and knowing lan zhan hes gonna reply "mn. btw u killed wei ying" to every single sentence jc says to him.

Yeah look I AM WEAK and also i read way too much foe yay not to want this to turn into Angry Depressed Desperate Making Out, u kno.

so they are both angry, repressed and depressed and well dressed so they have sex about it instead of going to therapy and Somehow it helps. Not because of the Depression-Curing Dick trope which i hate but because they look at each other afterwards and go "uh, fuck, things have gotten REALLY bad if im sleeping with HIM to forget about it"

and then they probably have sex again and again because they are still fucking stupid

other thots i have about jc/lwj include:

- them begrudgingly working together to bring down some wwx impersonator while still hating each others guts

- jc confronting lwj about sizhui and the Dumbest Cover Story Ever

- idk yet im thinking bout this but i Really need a situation where its CRUCIAL that wangji uses musical cultivation but doesnt have his guqin bc some dumb reasons and jc is like, here, catch this and gives him freakin Chenqing and wangji wants to Murder him but plays the damn flute bc otherwise they are gonna die and as jc pointed out sizhui will be left alone in the world

- lwj IS DEFINITELY GONNA FIGURE OUT THE GOLDEN CORE THING come on. wangji is hurt or sth and jc uses spiritual energy to heal him and suddenly wangjiis like WAIT A MINUTE I KNOW THIS SPIRITUAL PATTERN WHATS GOING ON bonus points if hes like. Delirious and starts calling for wei ying and jiang cheng invents 23 new swearwords to let him know what he thinks about him

- jc at some point awkwardly tries to give chenqing to lan wajgji but lwj gives it back to him

yeah and at some point they Stop having sex about it, and they both kind of.... Calm Down, and wangji is still wearing the mourning robes but hes less obnoxious about it, and jiang cheng still whips ppl but now he has a better idea of what hes gonna do if he finds wei wuxian.

and they are... friends.... now? neither of them will say it out loud but like. They Are Friends Now.

and then when they are basically almost done with Unhealthy Grieving Mechanisms wei wuxian actually comes back to life and ????¿??¿??¿¿¿?? Fuck, thinks lan zhan. Fuck, thinks jiang cheng.

......ahem. SORRY, this has gotten slightly out of hand. Im Emotional about it.

theres one fic on ao3 that i really love and which expresses a lot of the things about this that i couldnt express; i will link it in the replies when i find it

-----

TL;DR they are both too angry and have their brains Fucked Up by wwx's death, they are not willing to go to therapy so they should at least kiss about it; also go read the fic i linked in the replies because its excellent

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

[golddplatedd]

hello there! i was tagged by @ratboyloki to do some games!! ty <3<3<3

rules : spell your url with song titles and tag 10 people.

G - gec 2 ü remix // 100 gecs and Dorian Electra

O - Oblivion // hatsune miku Grimes

L - Love Will Tear Us Apart // Joy Division

D - Dance For Me // Superjava

D - Dead! // My Chemical Romance

P - Problems // Mother Mother

L - Last Dance // The Cure

A - Akasaka Sad // Rina Sawayama

T - Tiger Teeth // WALK THE MOON

E - Exit Music (For a Film) // Radiohead

D - Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales // Car Seat Headrest

D - Dead on Arrival // Fall Out Boy

quarantine asks :

•where are you isolated ??

im back home with my parents and sister.

•what are you currently reading or watching ??

watching : idk i just finished Haikyuu and Fleabag so im empty rn

reading : The Plague by Albert Camus (which was not a smart idea considering. the world rn)

•if you can go outside, what do you like to do during this time ??

i like to go on walks (with facemask obvi) and go on drives too 

•any fascinating concept you’re studying ??

im really into linguistics right now idk its fun to think about and a nice break from like. 3 years of neuro-related classes

•what kind of acts of creativity / forms of art are you currently doing ??

drawing....trying to make my animal crossing island look nice

•a song that resonates with your state of mind at the moment ??

california by grimes.......

•favourite impulsive / “bad” coping techniques ??

sleeping all day, we*d but i dont have any rn so :///

•favourite healthy / “good” coping techniques ??

drawing!! going on walks/drives, listening to tunes and singing real loud

rules : bold everything that applies to you & tag 10 people you’d like to get to know better.

A P P E A R A N C E

i’m over 5′5″. i wear glasses / contacts. i have blonde hair (half). i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing. i have one or more piercings. i have at least one tattoo. i have blue / green eyes. i have dyed or highlighted my hair. i have gotten plastic surgery. i have or had braces. i sunburn easily. i have freckles. i paint my nails. i typically wear makeup. i don’t often smile. i am pleased with how i look. i prefer nike to adidas. i wear baseball hats backwards.

H O B B I E S  A N D  T A L E N T S

i play a sport. i can play an instrument. i am artistic. i know more than one language. i have won a trophy in some sort of competition. i can cook or bake without a recipe. i know how to swim. i enjoy writing. i can do origami. i prefer movies to tv shows. i can execute a perfect somersault. i enjoy singing. i could survive in the wild on my own. i have read a new book series this year. i enjoy spending time with friends. i travel during school or work breaks. i can do a handstand.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

i am in a relationship. i have been single for over a year. i have a crush. i have a best friend i have known for ten years. my parents are together. i have dated my best friend. i am adopted. my crush has confessed to me. i have a long distance relationship. i am an only child. i give advice to my friends. i have made an online friend. i met up with someone i have met online.

A E S T H E T I C S

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell. i have watched the sunrise. i enjoy rainy days. i have slept under the stars. i meditate outside. the sound of chirping calms me. i enjoy the smell of the beach. i know what snow tastes like. i listen to music to fall asleep. i enjoy thunderstorms. i enjoy cloud watching. i have attended a bonfire. i pay close attention to colors. i find mystery in the ocean. i enjoy hiking on nature paths. autumn is my favorite season.

M I S C E L L A N E O U S

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle. i am the mom friend. i live by a certain quote. i like the smell of sharpies. i am involved in extracurricular activities. i enjoy mexican food {a given}. i can drive a stick-shift. i believe in true love. i make up scenarios to fall asleep. i sing in the shower. i wish i lived in a video game. i have a canopy above my bed. i am multiracial. i am a redhead. i own at least three dogs.

i’m tagging @moonnddust @tonyrights @reaumantic @lokisfatpussy @shrimpcolors @vampgf @thranduilsbitchboy @pyropian @flower-femme @dorotheawlw @soumic @noobmaster69loki @jobaisnotreal

and anyone else who wants to do all/some of these ask games

[sticksmustdie]

for the ask thing: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, ,9 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 2-0, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58 , 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99. 100 >:))) <3

>:00 EVIL!! 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify 

is your room messy or clean? clean

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? yes, because it’s not my deadname lol

what is your relationship status? single 

describe your personality in 3 words or less. stolen from MCR

what color hair do you have? natural black hair but 90% of it is red rn 

what kind of car do you drive? color? don’t drive yet but permit test soon

where do you shop? HTTP and Savers 

how would you describe your style? casual punk? 

favorite social media account daily monkey dance on twt 

what size bed do you have?  twin 

any siblings?  a brother 

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? idk japan?

favorite snapchat filter? i don't use snapchat a lot kdfkd (the ravioli one)

favorite makeup brand(s) I don't use makeup 

how many times a week do you shower? uh fuck idk its quarantine 3-4?? i don't count

favorite tv show? umbrella academy is p good, also end of the f**king world

shoe size? 9

how tall are you? 5′6

sandals or sneakers? yes

do you go to the gym? hahahaha no

describe your dream date going to a concert would be cool but id like it to be more chill like a sunset picnic then casual shopping/thrifting

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? like 6 bucks lol i went thrifting got a the cure cd and a misfits shirt Score!

what color socks are you wearing? I'm not wearing socks rn >:D

how many pillows do you sleep with? one

do you have a job? what do you do? no job

how many friends do you have? uuuh irl 10ish? and internet friends like 5?

whats the worst thing you have ever done? get suspended lol 

whats your favorite candle scent? pumpkin spice/wood smell?? 

3 favorite boy names [insert MCR member’s names]

3 favorite girl names hayley, jolyne, Melody 

favorite actor? don't really have one

favorite actress? don't really have one

who is your celebrity crush? Winona ryder 

favorite movie? velocipastor 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i read a lot of fanfic does that count lol 

money or brains? brains bc then you can make money

do you have a nickname? what is it? fe/ghoul 

how many times have you been to the hospital? like 3

top 10 favorite songs 

do you take any medications daily? nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) soft???? idk how to answer that

what is your biggest fear? losing friends/connections

how many kids do you want? i hate kids, none

whats your go to hair style? i like to tie my hair into a shitty mullet

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) decent sized?? bad question next

who is your role model? my ap psych teacher he’s so cool and wholesome

what was the last compliment you received? one of my friends saying they fucking loved me bc i was mocking mcr’s new merch

what was the last text you sent? “okay hair rinse time” was redying my hair

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? i never believed in Santa to begin with so 0???

what is your dream car? mmm hearse or Pontiac firebird trans am 

opinion on smoking? dont please 

do you go to college? next year i will be

what is your dream job? something art based and sustainable 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs just for easy access to groceries etc

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? who doesn't?

do you have freckles?  nope

do you smile for pictures? depends 

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 22 to keep track of my hair eras

have you ever peed in the woods? jskkdfd no??

do you still watch cartoons? yes I'm rewatching winx rn lmfao 

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? McD chicken nuggies

Favorite dipping sauce?  BBQ or the chickfila og sauce

what do you wear to bed? oversized band shirt

have you ever won a spelling bee? nope

what are your hobbies? drawing, listening to music, reading fanfiction

can you draw? yes?

do you play an instrument? guitar, badly 

what was the last concert you saw? i’ve never been to one :/ was going to go see MCR but uh yknow

tea or coffee? both

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? starbucks

do you want to get married? sure why not, ill do it for the benefits

what is your crush’s first and last initial? not crushing on anyone for now

are you going to change your last name when you get married? sure why not

what color looks best on you? black and red bc it compliments my hair

do you miss anyone right now? not really

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? not really, i’d be cool if they were real tho

what is your biggest pet peeve? when people just spam you with pictures with no context and expect you to reply??

last person you called classmates for a group project

favorite ice cream flavor? oh i love mint chip 

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular ones

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate 

what shirt are you wearing? overzied misfits shirt 

what is your phone background?  red and blue from dd national anthem

are you outgoing or shy? i think I'm outgoing

do you like it when people play with your hair? depends on the person but most of the time no 

do you like your neighbors? they're chill 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? when i shower kjdsfkdf

have you ever been high? nope

have you ever been drunk? nope I'm allergic to alcohol lol 

last thing you ate? soup

favorite lyrics right now oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying 

summer or winter? fall 

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? oh dark chocolate 100%

favorite month? october and november

what is your zodiac sign Scorpio 

who was the last person you cried in front of? haha my whole family 

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[my-aura-is-sore]

21 question tag

So I was tagged by my irl best friend 💕@creepylilfaerie 🍄

Rules: Answer 21 questions, then tag 21 people

Nicknames: Sam, Lord Samith, Sammy, Sammy J, Gammy, Gamtron

Zodiac: Capricorn ☀️ Gemini 🌙 Virgo ⬆️

Height: 5 ft 4?

Last movie I saw: Cry Baby , a John Waters film

Last thing I googled: Heelys Shop Adult shoes

Favourite Musician: Fiona Apple is my MOMM

Song stuck in my head: Lovecats by The Cure

Other blogs: Havnt started adding to it yet but ima start a blog for my poems

Followers: 333 but lots are porn bots

Following: 548 amazing people

Amount of sleep: I need legit about 10-12 hours but I get like 7 bc I work a lot and being tired all the time is prematurely aging me and I’m very stressed about it haha 😓........

Lucky Numbers: 1, 8, 9, 18 & 19

Dream Job: I want to help people heal, I’d like to be a trauma therapist (shadow work/light work/shaman shit) or help lead people for a Revolution and be a Joan of Arc

What I’m wearing: A rage against the machine t shirt and ripped blue jeans and black sneakers

Favourite Food: Dessert 🍮🧁🍰🍦

Language: english but I’d love to learn more esp Gaelic

Can I play an instrument: I’m best at harmonica but I am beginner at guitar and bass and I also fuck around with a washboard if that counts

Favourite Song: How tf can anyone who likes music just pick one ? That’s like illegal . I’m just gonna pick the runner up of a song stuck in my head which is Paper Boat by goodnight cody

Random fact: I identify heavily with Yoshi, guinea pigs, crows, 8bit noises and I’m cashiering rn at the pet store I work at

Describe yourself in aesthetic things: Glowing shimmering pools of water, small soft flowing streams , slow mornings, moist misty air , water droplets and clear orbs, green leaves, tall trees, long soft grass , forest and farm critters, wild horses and birds that sing soft songs . Angel trumpets and bluebells and warm sunshine in the afternoon . Gold lined books, gradient colors, fresh fruit. Gentle sensitive sweet children. Harps, swords and potions. Also holding hands and passionate long gazes. Bright eyes and happy crying. I like Castles with stained glass , quaint cottages and gothic era buildings . Angels , faeries, people with horns, gargoyles and animals with wings like bunnies. Mother animals who are protective over their little families. Tiny bells and wind chimes. I’m a slut for honesty , loyalty, purity and integrity. Also people making grandiose shows of their deep profound love, love letters sealed with wax stamps . Anxious puppies

Tag you’re it!

I’m tagging who I feel might do this !! There were some blogs I wanted to tag but it didn’t let me ? check yo visibility setting guys!! 🗣 @venusian-violet @the-human-form-is-tiring @sapphicslimegirl @wtfdondo @gracewolves @thisismyplacetoshitpost @pineapples-dont-have-sleeves @shesgonecoastal @jeezyweezzy @forestfountain @lavalamps @psychedelic-sagittarius @agasolinerainbow @garbagebabygirl @coffins-and-cupcakes @monochromaticaa @420bunnys @faeyrin @faengelia @etherealbeauty3 @dreams-of-a-nymph

[cravingwitandwisdom]

All of the space asks, my dear 😄

Damn okay, here we go.. ♡ Comet - what are you currently frustrated about? Capitalism Back hole - what are you most afraid of? That one day, when I'm old and burned out I'll ask myself the question "was it really worth it - this life, this mess" and I'll know it wasn't. Galaxy - do you have nicknames. What are they? Daniel always calls me Mary Poppin or just Mary. Here I'm known as Grace and irl some folks call me that too but my name is actually Grachella. It's hard to pronounce so most of the time people make their own version l and that's okay, too. People at my voulenteering work sometimes call me Frochella because we all give each other nicknames and I kinda love that. Star - what songs do you feel describe you? Drops of Jupiter by Train, Bored by Billie Eilish, idontwannebeyouanymore by Billie Eilish, Dust by Frank Ocean and many many more I can't think of right now.Moon - are you currently reading any books? I'm currently reading (finally reading!) Lotr. I own the books forever and it was time for an adventure. I just started reading Today I am Alice yesterday. It's a biography about Alice who has multiple personalities. It reminds me of a girl i know, the story. Its not a pretty one. Planets - if you could go anywhere, where would you go? Right now I'd go to Mexico. Daniel is there for two months now and I feel like I miss a part of myself.Mercury - describe your aesthetic. Sometimes I live in the 90s and I'm turning up 2pac. Fila's on my feet and a Casio watch on my wrist. I let strands of hair fall down the front of my face while the top is tied in a quirky little ponytail and the back hangs loose, barely reaching my shoulders. Sometimes I live in the 60s. I wear long skirts and tie bows in my hair. I listen to The Civil Wars and feel infinitely soft. The pain and the sorrow, the loss - there's purpose in the ugly parts of life. Sometimes I'm an African queen. I tie my hair in a turban and wear the colours of nature. I radiate elegance. I feel deeply connected to my roots and dance to Gyptian or Jah Cure. I talk in my mother's tongue. Sometimes I am an Victorian witch. I wear a long black dress, the crocheted choker i wear is elegance itself. I cover my body with crystals as I chant a spell or pray to Gaia. See.. I don't think I have one aesthetic because I don't think I'm just one person. Venus - whats your favourite tv show? Shameless, Rick & Morty, Westworld, The Tudors, GoT, Gossip Girl, The Handmaids Tale, Vampire diaries and The Originals. Earth - if you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be? Oh I don't know. Mars - if you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change? The numbers on my bank account. Or maybe that I'd be a minimalist.. one or the other hahaha Jupiter - if you had to pick one colour to use for an entire week, what colour would yoi choose? Black for everything. Saturn - how far would you go for those you care about? 9.229 km or 5734.635 miles Uranus - what would you say is your greatest achievement? Climbing a mountain and then sleeping on the mountain in a hammock, in the middle of the Amazon. The mountain wasn't very high but I never did anything like that before. Neptune - describe yourself in one sentence. Did you not just read i cant even describe my aesthetic in a simple way. How do you expect me to describe myself in one sentence? I am so much more than one sentence. Pluto - if you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet? J.D. Salinger. Constellations - if you could have one talent, what would it be? The ability to take care of plants.. all my plants always die :/Asteroid - when you die, what do you want te be done with your body? I always wanted to give my body to science but since thats not so easy anymore i decided i want to be cremated. Or if its possible by the time i die, I'd like to be buried in a biodegradable burial pod that turns my body into a tree. Aquarius - whats a topic you enjoy learning about? Languages, science, mythology, philosophy, spirituality, witchcraft and culture are a few things popping into my mind right now. Aquila - do you prefer to read books or watch movies? I read more than i watch movies but i do enjoy a good film every once in a while. Aries - what is something you enjoy doing? Sleeping. Auriga - if you had to pick one villain from any media, who would you rather have to face and why? Delores Umbridge is a foul despicable toad-like villain i have great abhorrence for. Bootes - if you could have any animal, wild or not, fake or not, which would you want? A thestral or rather a herd. Cancer - how do you want tp be remembered? Often the wise are remembered by their tortured minds. But I'd like to be remembered as wise and free. I want people to reminisce me and think "she lived fully and without remorse, she lived the way she wanted and there wasnt any onther way for her to live" Canis Major - How many friends do you have? I find it difficult to distinct friends or friendship. On Tumblr i talk to some people, people i have been talking to for years. I have some colleagues i hang out with after work hours. Are they my friends? I hang out with friends of friends. Are they my friends, too? I cant answer this question. I dont know how many people consider me a friend. And i, myself, have a hard time figuring out what friendship exactly is. Can anyone teach me the rules? Capricornus - whats a song lyric that you can relate to? "Can you see that im getting bored, giving you every piece of me?" - by Billie Eilish Cassiopeia - whats your favourite quote? 1. "Forget what they told you about bodies and temples. Mine was all roadside attraction, tourist destination. A place mediocre men go to remember how to be good again" - by Ashe Vernon 2. "Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn" - by Sylvia Plath 3. "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - by Maya AngelouCyngus - if you could go back to any time perion for a couple of days, when/ where would you want to go? The beginning of everything. Gemini - do you have any siblings? How many? 2 half sisters, 3 half brothers, 1 sister and 2 steph sisters. Leo - if you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change? Avatar and Death note. Libra - if you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself? Stop smoking weed and go do something useful with your life. Lyra - would you rather be feared or loved? I find it hard to receive love but i choose it anyway. Orion - whats your favourite type of weather? The breaking if dawn on an autumn day when the air is gloomy and the meadow misty. When the world is peaceful and leaves are covered with hoarfrost. Pegasus - whats your favourite music genre? I dont think i can pick, i really cant. Perseus - whats your favourite movie genre? Drama and fantasy. Pisces - Describe someone you love without their name. Tall, dark and handsome. Self-righteous. Beautiful brown eyes. Lazy and sluggish. But such a pumpkin. Amazing smile. Incredible kisser. A cute smoll spot on their nose. Game addiction. Cant talk about feelings. Doesn't know how to apologize. Humble and soft. Sagittarius - what do you do when you don't feel well? What do you eat? I sleep alot and i barely eat or i munch on potato chips. Scorpius - if you had to pick someone to betray you, who would you pick? This woman i work with.. she's been getting on my nerves playing the victim all the time. I'd love to have a reason to go off on her. That sounds bad huh? Taurus - What makes you feel comfortable? Hoodies. Ursa Major - if you had to pick any job to have, what job would you want? Physicists or writer. Virgo - what do you value the most- artistic / creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect or work ethic? 1. Artistic ability/ creativity 2. Intellect 3. Musical ability 4. Athletic ability 5. Work ethic Neutron - are you more a leader or a follower? Leader. Supernova - how do you feel about yourself? I try to love myself but its work. Supergiant - whats something you like about yourself? I love learning, knowledge. Im open to anything and I'm curious by nature. Red Giant - would you get into a debate/ argument with someone if you heard them saying something you disagree with or know to be wrong, or would yoi stay silent? I dont shy away from arguments, especially if i know im right. I can get very passionate. What is your favourite smell? What smell makes you feel most comfortable? Lavender, wood smoke, pine and sandalwood. Protostar - give a random fact about yourself. I got a new tattoo just yesterday. A picture will be up soon. Sorry, in took me a while. I dont have a computer rn so i had to do this on mobile. Thank you so much for asking me.

[liliumwallichianum]

16 Apr 2021

yooooooooooooooooooo. 

lmao

so I went to drinks w this guy last night that I honestly knew nothing about and he ended up being really fucking funny and chill and we had a great time and I was nervous to go on a date cause I haven’t been on one since N*** fucking S*** but when this dude called me last night to let me know he was on his way he answered with “yooo” and that’s when i knew it was gonna be a good night HAHAH

cons: he’s just so obsessive already and it’s been one date this SCREAMS not okay and maybe I’m saying this cause I don’t think he’s THAT hot and the entire time we were on our date I was thinking about how I wanted to text D**** and ask him to get dinner or drinks before he leaves for NY which like... yeah i shouldn’t be doing that but again a flag that this dude is way more into me than I am into him and i jsut dont know how i feel about that

pros: i just love going on dates bc i realize how much i love myself LMFAO 

side note I wanted to be journaling this in my actual journal but i’m just so hungover that i cannot write legibly rn and typing is so much faster.

ANOTHER THING o m g @ my dreams lately wtf and especially the one last night bc i legit ripped the fattest bowl before sleeping so idk how i dreamed. but my dream was so funny both banana and d**** were in the dream and we were all snowboarding and I somehow was a fucking beast and went down the slope in a HANDSTAND on my board lmfaooooo and I was so strong in the dream i legit did a press up tuck handstand which I moved into diamond then went all the way down the slope with so idk who she is in the dream but letting myself know that’s gonna be me soon just wait for it. puppy, straddle, straight leg, split leg. all of them. and I think in the dream banana was just being his banana self and it was so funny and im so excited to go up north w him so i can annoy the shit out of him

lastly yeah idk what to do about d**** bc he’s leaving again and idk why i am so attached to the idea of liking him (like i dont even know him well enough to be like wow i have a crush on you. we have similar interests and hobbies and mesh well together. we are compatible and we make each other laugh etc etc blah blah blah) but here I am and now he’s leaving and i wanna fucking have some actual alone time w him before he goes but i dont think it’s gonna happen... idk i hope we get to actually see each other in new york when i go at least bc doing a little new york date would be mad cute if we went to a speakeasy or something and lived our best new york lives 

lastly i finally cleared my head and figured out soo many of my goals for the next month/couple of months and I finally feel like i am out of my funk, i’m motivated again, i’m ready to start being a productive member of society outside of like my 3 obligations i have rn. and yeah i’m just ready for some good fucking times. the sun on my walk yesterday CURED me and I feel so much better than i have been feeling for the past probs 2ish months and yeah i’m just ready for this tidal wave to start anew :) 

okay love ya girl gonna take a phat hungover nap and then get coffee after. i love u so so much ya hottie :*** 

[angelicxprowess-blog]

Heyyyyyy I kinda wanted to ask a personal question? I wanna write a character who has autism and I was wondering if you could help me? Like if you could just name some things that characterize autism to you personally that would be absolutely amazing tbh. If not that's totally cool I don't wanna pry sorry. Thanks!!

Dont worry!!! I like answering these

Okay well firstly, it does not have specific things to get a diagnoses. Me and both of my brothers are either diagnosed with ASD, or have it suspected, and while mine and the 9 year old’s is more similar, me and the 17 year old’s is completely different.

Most autistics I’ve seen prefer being called an autistic person than a person with autism but I think that's just down to preference. Autistic person is just more common.

There are many many different ways to stim. When I do it its usually cause Im happy, excited or stressed out (and sometimes I do it cause its fun). This can be either hand flapping, jumping, when Im sitting down kicking my legs in the air, hitting my leg, making noises (”ah, ah, ah”), stroking my hair and other stuff. Not a lot of people are understanding and a lot of comments are made, and sadly from what I’ve seen, a given so...

Echolalia! This is where you repeat words and phrases you hear. This can be from a song, the last thing you heard, or just anything you remember. Some autistics only communicate with echolalia, but I dont think that's very common.

Communication is hard. I struggle with working out if people are happy, sad ext just by looking at their face unless its at the extreme, and I cant pick up sarcasm when spoken very well unless I’m told its sarcasm (doesnt stop me from using it though). People can say what they think is an easy question, and I have to think about it step by step which can make it seriously confusing. For example; I know this sounds silly but I struggle with doing the washing and I ALWAYS miss steps, and I have broken down just because there was too much going on. Also sometimes, how I communicate can make things tricky for others. When I was much younger my voice was very flat and didn't have much emotion in it at all (I now make it over exaggerated) which got me into trouble a lot because people couldnt tell when I was joking, when I was being sarcastic or they thought I was always being rude. And my wording still makes things difficult sometimes for people to understand even though to me, what I’m saying is obvious. 

Sensory overload. I’m not sure if its an autism only thing but its common and is hell. This is where there is too much stimulation going on (texture, sound and all that), to the point where you just stop being able to process it all and everything goes to shit tbh. This can either cause stimming to be done while being exhausted, or a tantrum (its not funny: dont act like it is), or the complete stopping of as much sensory stuff as you can. I do a tantrum and stim at the same time which is kinda embarrassing for me.. During this I usually scratch at myself, punch myself, keep crying and screaming, (headbutt walls which hurts), bite at myself and other stuff. I have a pill to calm me down (not for autism: I have really bad anxiety that stops me from being able to leave the house a lot) which mum suggested I try using during it but it doesn't do much...

SI’s! Special Interests. Mine is Kuro which is kinda.. really obvious... This basically means that your interest in it is huge to the point where it could almost be like an obsession.. Most things I’m a fan of reminds me of Kuro is some way. Its pretty much all I draw and write about, and talk about. Also! It doesnt have to be a TV series or game thing; it can be anything. About science, songs, books, history ext ext! The stereotype is trains so.. If you’re gonna make it that please be careful cause it gets :/ They can last either a really long time, or a week. Depends on the person. Kuro has been my SI since I was 13 (5 years), but I’ve had some that only lasted a month.

Eye contact can be evil. Its either “Am I looking too much?” or “I cant look them in the eye am I being rude???”. We dont really understand the balance there...

It can make learning really really difficult if done in a way that doesnt fit you. If you just speak: I'm not gonna remember anything. And if you go too fast: Yeah still not gonna remember anything. This doesnt mean the person is not intelligent, it's just that our brain is wired differently and picks up information differently. If you leave me to learn on my own, I got named one of the top of my class. If it’s a teacher, I got told that I wasnt trying hard enough and was a waste of space (that teacher was an ass). 

Things need to be done in a certain way and if something disrupts this its Bad. I have a very specific routine in the morning and if somebody interrupts it I will not get up and will scream. If I’m reading something, I will talk to you when I want to talk to you and if you interrupt, I wont be able to continue the book from where I was and will have to start it over and will be PISSED. When cleaning everything is done in a very specific order and if you’re still in the room, I just wont do it. If we’re missing something I need, I wont do it. (I haven't cleaned my room in ages cause we dont have the hoover rn). This doesnt mean you are organised btw!! Just things gotta be done in a certain way.

One of the things I do is refer to myself in third person a lot. I’m not really sure why this is, but its like 

Friend: Are you tired..?

Me: Lizzie’s tired... She needs sleep

I know a few other autistic people who do this, so I’m pretty sure its because of that! I think some people do do it just to join it but xD But I don't think its very common so :/ Not many people use it in books or tv unless a character is playing so ;u;

Since some people think this and its... really wrong. Age regression isn't a symptom of autism. You can be autistic and regress, but it’s not a symptom. Also while its true for me and my 9 year old brother, you don't inherently act younger than your actual age, though that can be a symptom (When I was a lot younger (5-7) I had to go to a special class because of this although we didnt know what caused it then). Though since a lot of people see it has inherent, I would avoid that.

If the character acts like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, change them as soon as you can. (Biggest walking offensive stereotype) Ngl my favourite character that is confirmed autistic is Christian Wolff from The Accountant, although there is some stereotypes (Math being the SI, complete stoicness, also there are signs that the therapy he went to is ABA which freaked me out and him doing this thing to CAUSE an overload (Flashing Lights, way too loud metal music and scraping a metal bar up and down his leg) its pretty good!!! (Also guns and explosions)

Autism speaks is shit. Do not support that crap. They do more harm than good and act like its a disease, which its not. You cant cure it, its just how your brain is wired and there is nothing you can do about it so *shrug*. ABA is bad too and traumatises its patients (that's where they train you to act allistic (non-autistic). You’re either born with it, or you don't have it (Doesnt mean you can only be diagnosed young. You can be diagnosed at any point in life, although its easier when you’re younger. Mine keeps being put off from being finished (even though I’ve been told I am) because to the world, I’m a feminine girl and we apparently cant be autistic which is bullshit, and because I was nearly 18 (we’re gonna finish it soon).

I think this should be enough... If you need anymore please feel free to ask xD