#i dont have autism i dont know what youre talking about [<- in denial]

[feralfens]

its all fun and games growing your hair out until you stop braiding it away from your face and are slightly more irritable for No Reason. oh hey i have showered and stopped my hair from Touching My Face and suddenly the world is beautiful and lovely

[steence]

im gonna speak up on this. i never do and ive never mentioned it before, but im gonna do it

dear systemscringe,

stop fucking talking over us. stop trying to "help" us. ive been trying to figure out if ive had this disorder for six years. and i probably would have figured it out by now if every time i ever felt the slightest bit of denial i didnt go on your stupid subreddit and scroll. for. hours.

the only person ive told about my questioning is my girlfriend. and even she has said that ive gotta stop worrying that she'll find me "cringe".

every single time i experience a symptom its immediately followed up by me wondering if it was real or if i was somehow subconsciously faking it. everytime i find something i dont remember making, or posting, or doing. my first thought is "how could i managed to have faked this".

i couldnt.

im more than willing to acknowledge that i might have a different disorder. ive done research. i know everything from schizophrenia to autism can be misdiagnosed as osddid.

but ive been denying my symptoms for so long because of your community. because of your people who have to go out of their way to mock people who are very clearly mentally unwell.

i dont care if you have new mods now. i dont care if you've done the research. i dont care if you have "actual systems" who approve of what youre doing. i do like the possum guy though. possum guy rock on.

and the reason i like the possum guy is because they never say someone's definitely faking. they look through their posts, find misinformation, and correct it.

its very scary to post this. im afraid i'll be judged or mocked or cringed at. but whatever im done being cringe.

[itsaspectrumcomic]

this is kind of a vent and a bit of a silly rambled story (ooo story time! but feel free to ignore it if you want it wont bother me)

so i have been researching autism and adhd for roughly a year and a half now and its kinda become a special interest of mine (wild i know lmao) and its actually how i got my adhd diangosis! funnily enough the therapist who diagnosed me for adhd and evaluated me for asd was biased and had no knowledge about adhd or autism... :-] pained smile

(im afab and my sibling is amab and the comparisons between our assesments is insane. they got assesed easily but for me, the therapist was reluctant and judgemental. a great start i know /sarc)

anyway the therapist told me that i couldnt be autistic because even though i scored high, the test my PARENTS filled out for my childhood was very low. i wasnt even asked about my childhood experiences when it came back with a low score. i was just brushed off and told that it was only my adhd and that if i WAS autistic (which im not, according to her) that i would be "high functioning" and that "high functioning" people arent actually autistic. not word for word because i was half listening in shock but the general idea is still there. i have no clue how i even went to this woman tbh.

i have since made a list and included evidence for all the traits ive had since infancy but my parents 100% took the therapists word and are now completely convinced that there is zero chance that i can be on the autism spectrum. fun fact i think theyre both on the spectrum as well and ive talked to my sibling about it too. its wild lol

the thing is i keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance thinking i may be on the spectrum and ive had plenty of friends both professionally and self diagnosed tell me that i am on the spectrum but i cant help but accidentally find ways to invalidate myself and my experiences. i dont know if its worth it to get a professional diagnosis or to just exist as self diagnosed because they both have strong pros and cons. its all very confusing but i can wait 2 years until im a legal adult so i can at least try to get an assesment from a therapist who actually understands autism

i apologize for being so long winded and for any gramatical/spelling errors but i just wanted to thank you for making this blog in general. it feels very validating despite what other people and my negative thoughts try to say about my brain :-] i hope youre doing well !!

'"high functioning" people arent actually autistic'

UGH I hate that so much. I'm not really a fan of the the terms 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' anyway because it doesn't cover how autistic people can be really good at some things and struggle a lot with other things (also known as having a 'spiky profile') and just 'high' or 'low' doesn't properly take that into account, and then there's the whole questionable use of 'functioning' but that's a whole other discussion....

I'm sorry your parents aren't listening. Since autism can be genetic, it's fairly likely they are also on the spectrum and never noticed the traits when you were growing up because it all seemed normal to them.

It's a very personal decision whether or not to try for an official diagnosis, but whatever you decide is valid! The important thing is gaining self-acceptance and learning what works for you. Good luck and I'm so glad you're enjoying this blog :)

[kasumingo]

People who are like, get medicated, get therapy, get help, as if its the easiest most effective thing ever boggle the mind. Like i know they cannot know unless theyve been in the system for any length of time but theres so much to unpack here. Theres LAYERS

Theres the fact that everyone should be aware of by now, that its often expensive and inaccessible to many as well, but thats entry level shit. It goes deeper.

The fields of psychology and ESPECIALY psychiatry are steeped in stigma and dogma and straight up bad info. Everything is depression until proven otherwise. Gender stigma is very very real with autism and ad(h)d and so is actual genuine oppression that can come with those diagnoses and anything "more serious". God help you if youre diagnosed with or suspect cluster A or B personality disorders or ANY psychotic ones. I dont have firsthand experience but ive heard enough to know that often those with ASPD and schizoaffective/schizophrenic get treated as subhuman. Not to mention how severe antipsychotics are as medication, theres good reasons people often dont take theirs.

But even if youve got one of the "easy" disorders, guess what? "Success" is still not guaranteed. Figuring out medication and dosage can be a long and exhausting process, a lot of them have significant drawbacks and restrictions.

And cognitive behavioral therapy can also have negative effects! Especially if ur misdiagnosed! Or do it while youre still in survival mode! Or have alexythimia like myself! Its not an one size fits all cure.

People are so ready to condescend to the mentally ill and say stuff like "get therapy" as if its the holy grail of mental care without a trace of irony. People lapse treatment and lick their own wounds the best they can for so many reasons, A LOT OF THEM RELATING TO HOW SHIT AND INEFFECTIVE THERAPY CAN BE, and instead of that being the focus the talk about it is so often boiled down to them being lazy or incapable of taking care of themselves.

I know this couldve been its own post but honestly with you posting abt it i feel better giving this here directly. It got kind of ranty but just, people who use "get therapy" as the ultimate gotcha BOIL MY BLOOD.

People think that therapist, psychologists, psychiatrist and similar are these unquestioned authorities that always have your best interest in mind and have the answer for anything.

While the truth is that the psych field is filled with incompetent bigots either entering the field for the power trip or having an incredible biased and misguided point of view at best.

I don't personally have the experience with BPD or ASPD myself either, but it's not hard to imagine how they treat individuals they don't even consider people… that the majority of society don't consider ones either and doesn't care what happens to them.

AND YES GOD IT'S INFURIATING.

Especially since in many cases it doesn't come from genuine care, but as a dismissal and denial that many people ARE broken, weird, strange, peculiar, different but they do NOT need fixing, CAN'T be fixed and certainly don't owe strangers recovery.

Modern attitudes I'm seeing in online spaces are only setting mental health of the societies back years if not decades and leads to mental health of all involved unnecessarily dipping even further, only adding to what's happening in the world as a whole lately.

It's frustrating and I only can hope that my yelling in the void brings someone peace or makes rethinking the attitudes they've been carrying up until this point.

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

ive been paying alot of attention to syscourse (both sides- anti endo and pro endo) and i came to a dark realization.

ive seen anti endo systems, just to prove they have a diagnosis, pull out proof of diagnosis as a superior card over endogenic systems and self diagnosed systems. and then it can easily be faked using microsoft excel. so whos to say the people who have the audacity to post their proof of diagnosis are really diagnosed? they couldve asked for someone elses valid diagnostic proof, you never know. this is the toxic anti endo community we're talking about.

ive seen pro endos and actual endos peacefully protest to misinformation on disordered systems, which you think the disordered systems would be thankful for. but instead the sysmeds cant accept an act of kindness from someone they see as inherently pathetic and attack them for appropriating or stealing disordered terms.

ive seen fakers who admitted it, and they were so fixated on "DID without the disordered part"- basically alters, switching and no distress associated with it. and anti endos latched onto this, they thought this was what being endogenic was about. when faking DID and endogenic plurality are two different things. endogenics are sometimes born with their headmates so its not a choice like faking would be, and hosts who create their systems consciously (willogenic/thoughtform/tulpa) dont do it to fake DID and its just as common as born plurals. theres many reasons for someone being plural that vary by the plural. one endogenic might be plural because of autism while another is plural because they made an oc and it turned into a headmate from being acted out enough (although unintentionally.) for example.

ive seen toxic people on both sides of syscourse. ive had personal experience with some of these anti endos- back when we were first diagnosed with DID, wed spend time in r/DID and got the wrong idea about what we were supposed to be like, not knowing theres no set way any DID system is supposed to be. they are the support group version of systemscringe. its because of this sub i struggled with validity in our first summer we were aware of our systemhood. it took me months to learn greyout amnesia was more common in DID systems and so was being unaware of switching (probably because switching and blackouts are the sensationalized part of DID.)

the point is being a system in the age of syscourse is tiring, especially a DID system. its confusing, painful and makes you feel things you wish you didnt. DID is already an instance in my daily life, whether it be because of dissociation, the occasional switch with amnesia, memory problems, denial, or therapy. DID is alot to manage especially with over 100 alters, most of them either innernauts or dormant. between journaling who co fronted with who, what dissociation if any we experienced today, and trying to keep up communication just to fight off impostor syndrome even when dissociative barriers are high, having DID is a full time job and we should be paid by now. add the stress of your own community being marginalized against each other in the mix.

and now for the realization?

i wish i didnt have DID because theres a toxic community for it, so much misinformation about it and fakers. its already exhausting to have but add syscourse onto it and suddenly it becomes overwhelming. like i just want to exist in peace with my system and build a drama free support group and its impossible.

[hauntedkkitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[melonholder]

if i spent an hour making this post it would make way more sense but pretend you have autism so you can understand the connections im making

thinking about the passage bf read that talked about the importance of empathy in domming / getting pleasure out of your perception of the subs experience. going hmmm. so true. + thinking about it in relation to the FF post i was reading where he talked about fear and denial (i.e. ‘im terrified of going too far and never being able to come back from it so im afraid of even dipping my toes in, but surely going too far is what i truly want’ / ‘the same things that terrify me and threaten me turn me on’ etc). something something ive always been afraid im projecting onto other people with my desires and /i/ want to get fat or pregnant. especially because i was always curious about those things even before i knew why, and its not the ownership or sense of superiority that can come with making someone fat or pregnant that turns me on. its almost completely the experience of witnessing how it makes someone else feel / imagining, through them, how it would feel, that turns me on. but still i dont necessarily want those things for myself and it scares me to think that id ever go ‘too far’ and actually want them (not really the same as the post mentioned above, it just reminded me of this feeling). thinking about gaining weight isnt really scary to me anymore so the prospect of That doesnt terrify me so much, but the idea that theres an evil worm deep inside me (that i cant see or control) that secretly wants to be pregnant, feminine, or permanently humiliated in ways i know i dont actually want, is something that Does bother me sometimes. i know it isnt true, its just dysphoria (or something?) torturing me for getting TOO CLOSE to things that have always seemed like huge violations. its not even guilt, its fear that if i engage with those fantasies too much i’ll get too close to experiencing something i really really dont want for myself. everything comes back to the fear of losing my autonomy i guess lol. its not that hard to fathom that something im afraid of or see as taboo would be sexy to watch somebody else indulge in / sexy to experience through somebody who enjoys it and wants me to share the experience with them, but part of me hasnt learned to accept it or cant compute it or thinks theres a hidden meaning that will come to Fucking Get Me. or something.

[kcmeo7]

[UNFINISHED] okkkk heres my joestar hc list bc i keep forgetting (complimentary jolyne pic bc she is THE coolest)

VERY LONG POST (more under the cut)

ok i cant fit this in anywhere but i feel like stands use any prns so if u see me switching prns for them thats why

ONTO LE HCS!!

jonathan - honestly i used 2 see him as strictly cishet but do u guys see the bi jonathan vision. i feel like hed be in extreme denial (victorian england) or he would just be super fucking clueless so he would be like Omg i love erina she is so gorgeous and then wonders why it makes his heart flutter when speedwagon glazes him. sometimes i am extra greedy and i see him as a he/him butch lesbian…. no one can escape my lesbo beam mwehehe. i feel like hed also be neurodivergent but idk w what and tbh he doesnt know rither bc he orobably never got it checked (and probably couldnt bc victorian england). but i also dont mind cishet jonathan. he is whatever i feel like at the moment. good for him!! good for him!!

joseph - bisexual. thats not a straight man. he wanted suzie AND caesar and they smooch I DONT GIVE A FAWWWKKK 😞😞😞 hes so transgender to me too like do u see the vision. if tou dont thats ok . because I DO! i also think he has adhd him and caesar r audhd couple … yknow how some nd ppl like weighted stuff like blankets? i feel like joseph likes that but w tight clothes bc theres no other explanation for why hes wearing jeans that tight fitting. he uses hermit purple to piss people off not just for its stand ability like theres no eay he didnt poke suzie qs back w it and then giggled when she turned around and nothing was there. what a LOSER!!

jotaro - oooj ive sat on this one for the longest time. had this cooking for ages. i have it planned specifically i have it roadmapped. hes transgender to me. i feel like when he was a kid he thought he was gay then during pt 4 he identifies as straight then in pt 6 He doesnt gaf he thinks hes too old to ponderbut its something man liking adjacent. Anyways jotaro boypussy canon he told me and star plat is ALSO transgender. he (star) acts like a big dog sometimes he doesnt speak and mostly communicates by gestures and hes suuuper cuddly and sweet and gets excitable very easily. hes very curious and probably just has a little pile of things that are important to him in jotaros room. hes also the biggest snitch ever but also helps w communication bc i think joot is autistic w selective mutism (Just Like Me Fr…) so star will hold up a whiteboard and pen looney toons style when jotaro just Cannot Word. holy ahit you can tell im biased

josuke - gay man. probably talked with jotaro about being confused abt his sexuality (and maybe gender expression too) and jotaro was like [cool voice] Yeah man this atuff is normal Youre young youll figure it out dont be hard on yourself and josuke was like YAYYYY thank you :3 paraphrasing a lot. hes so autism to me as well i think josukes special intwrest would be that stupid little game he plays he knows so much abt it he used crazy diamond to shoplift merch a few times shhhh… but then he went badk and paid after bc he felt bad. stupid idiot. speaking of crazy diamond i feel like its like star where it cant say much other than dorarara ykno… except josuke is very talkative so it prefers to stay quiet and just fucking Stare. i feel like it forgets to emote bc josukes so exaggerated w how he talks so it doesnt rlly need to do much. its not like it minds anyway. usually when him and okuyasu r together you can see crazy d and the hand together bonking heads and holding hands and doing everything yheir users r too PUSSY TO DO!!

giorno - honestly i fw aroace giorno and acespec giorno in general. like thats just him to me … i also think hes part vampire bc of dio ( ik thats not how it works) so hes got little fangies and pointyish ears and he gets sunburnt a lot easier and hamon hurts him. gender wise i feel like he doesnt really care what you see him as. he/they king who sees his gender as whatever the person viewing him thinks… but in a nonbinary way … probably knew being gay and trans was a thing but it was 2001 so.. gold experience is very quiet mostly bc they both had to learn to be and ge materialised knowing this. giorno gives you the aame kind of stares cats do where they observe and their eyes r very wide. gold exp also does this. she is always listening to everything i feel like it can talk but it doesnt do so much. requiem flip flops between “please say something im getting scared” and “sweet man made horrors i can comprehend perfectly!” no inbetween. no one wants to hear what it has to say. please do not turn our universe into a flat plane. if gold exp is around someone giorno fws like bucci gang itll just sit behind them and watch, occasionally swatting at their clothes or shoes like a cat.

jolyne - LOOOOVE MY BABYGIRL. shes either bisexual w a fem lean, pan or lesbian IDGAFFF. cis woman and shes dating ermes. her hair buns move like animal ears they stick up when shesninterested they droop when shes sad they fluff when shes scared or angry. just as autistic as her father except she actually has some social skills meanwhile jotaro astands like the moyai emoji. very very talkative her special interest is probably fashion but also sumn fun like a niche sport. she yaps and yaps and yaps and sometimes she gets so excited she might unravel herself ooops … speaking of string stone free doesnt really present as her body much, choosing to just be blue strings like jokyne wants. she can talk, just doesnt unless its to jolyne and even still she prefers just sayijgnora. if you put her joot and josuke in a room together their atands will sit in a corner and just make noises at each other hur you bet the stand gossip goes crazy .. shes such a girls girl i genuienky loge her like she gives off girl yoo think is really evil and mean at first but turns out shes so nice and its like duh she was never mean just assertive

ill do the rest later im sleeby goodbugnth ill edit tkmorrow

[uncloseted]

To the anon who thinks high functioning people should be put behind in the queue - I don't think they understand a lot of high functioning people seeking help are fueled by extreme anxiety. It is literally crippling anxiety that forces me to be high functioning because I am too anxious to not be seen as a functioning member of society. I'm the anon who asked about talking to my psychiatrist about unaliving myself (thanks for your answer btw) and just because I can hold down a job or a friendshp

does not mean I'm not struggling every second of the day. Alot of us feel like we have to dismiss our struggles because we can function - it's years of suppression, denial and believing we have to suck it up and deal with how we feel since people (even doctors!) tell us we're fine because we go to work everyday. Just because someone can function does not mean they aren't struggling or on a verge of a breakdown. I think there is a reason so many functioning people seem to unalive themselves 'out

of the blue'. Ofc there are high functioning people who dont feel like I do about life but I think you will find that there is something going on in their lives to make them seek help - like grief, trauma, or anything else. I understand it's frustrating but you don't know what goes on in peoples lives/heads to say high functioning people should come after low. People are seeking help for a reason. Everyone deserves treatment and to be able to access help as soon as they need it

100%. A lot of people develop anxiety or perfectionist tendencies to better mask their struggles with mental illness, meaning that while they seem "high functioning", they're actually suffering more than they would have otherwise. Anecdotally, I know this was true for me- ADHD is hard to manage, but the real killer was the perfectionism that I developed to try and seem more "normal" and "productive". This is especially common in young women and people of color, who are held to higher standards of respectability and develop behaviors that are more internalized.

To borrow a metaphor from the autism community, I think functioning is less of a spectrum and more of a buffet. Some people will have lots of different foods from the buffet, while others have a lot of just one or two foods, but that doesn't mean that one person has more food than the other one- it just means that their plates are different. Some people have lots of different symptoms that permeate lots of different aspects of their life. Some people have lots of different symptoms that are internalized, so they're hard to see. Some people have a few symptoms that are really difficult to deal with. But all of those people are still at the metaphorical buffet- they still are struggling with mental illness. And they all deserve help.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I remember reading a fic, it was bottom Alec admittedly, but one of the things that stuck with me was how it mentioned that he didn't bottom often because it was overwhelming. Which then got me thinking about autistic Alec and sensory overload and maybe that's a thing you'd find interesting and put your own spin on? I don't know.

jsbsisnsisnssjdn i love how u guys always come to me and talk about bottom alec like it's the greatest sin you've ever partaken in udbdudndudndid really its fine, i mean its not my preference or hc but to each their own

anyway! i did like this question a lot and i tried to think a little about how autism and kink might intersect for alec specifically

tbh idk if i can give a good take on that because- im a bottom, so jdndudbdidnd. i mean of course I've topped but i think it's fundamentally different to top when thats something that you actually enjoy. like not that i dread topping and just the thought of it makes me cry or something but the pleasure i derive from it is...... way less. and more focused on the other parts of it that arent the act of topping itself

so due to that, i dont really know how topping, like, feels? if it's something that actively gets u hot and that u find enjoyable. so idk if bottoming is truly more overwhelming than topping, like. one of my partners is a Top™ and i think he gets as lost in topping as i get in bottoming, its exciting for him, just thinking about it Does Things to him you know xD and admittedly this partner in particular is a very intense person, with everything, but either way he does seem to feel topping and sex as a top and the pleasure he gets from that very intensely, so idk if it would be accurate to say that bottoming is more overwhelming. i think it depends on a lot of things, including the kind of play ur into - like if ur into denial or overstimulation and the such, definitely, but u dont necessarily are into them just because ur a bottom or even a sub (which, u know, are different things)

and my partners who are verses/switches say that it's different but not really more or less intense. just different

but definitely as a dom you get more control of the sensations, at least touch-wise (not much you can really do about noise, smell etc) so there's that. i also think that for autistic ppl theres frequently that feeling of not having a lot of control over ur life and how ur perceived, understood, etc, so domming can get particularly interesting/pleasurable in that sense. on the other hand, there's also the relief of subbing and getting clear instructions and just completely focusing on the tasks u have. or maybe that's my sub agenda. idk

either way i think being autistic wouldnt really sway anyone in either direction (being kinky or not, top or bottom, sub or dom, being into specific kinks etc) but im not an expert, maybe im wrong lol

but well, if you wanna talk specifically about autistic alec who also happens to be a dom/top and how he experiences that, a few things i think could be interesting:

domspace and hyperfocus: like because everything is so intense, the two can feel kind of similar? you know you get into domspace and it’s like, everything is so centered in the moment, but in like the best way possible? i imagine that for him reaching domspace is kind of even more intense than usual (not in a like... Lost In The Sauce way, where he can’t be aware properly, but it’s just, it’s extra good and it makes him feel grounded and present and like the noise in his head shuts up? he’s just focused on pleasuring his sub everything else kind of melts away and it’s basically just that. great intense pleasure and almost calm feeling, you know? i mean again i’m not a dom but. it’s what i imagine/have heard it feels like i guess)

sensorial issues: adjacent to last one i guess but just like reaching domspace and domming and the pleasure he derives from it kind of muffles the sensorial issues? again because he’s so focused and like, immersed in the feeling it all kind of disappears. also i mean, sex includes a lot of movement so yay to that! especially as i dom i think, if bondage for example is involved. and even if there’s like, a lot of touch and noise and stuff (again, magnus Screams) he kinda has control (again, especially as a dom) of how much stimuli there is and he gets and the fact that he derives pleasure from the noises, touches, etc kind of helps muffle them, if that makes sense? because the inside feelings overpower the outside feelings lmao and it’s like that sensation of floating and domspace and shit makes the actual physical sensations less acute sometimes. at least as a sub i do feel that way sometimes, like the pleasure gets so psychological and great i can’t really feel sensations, just the pleasure itself? so it’s like, id have to focus to be able to tell where exactly my partner is touching me, all i know is that it Feels Very Good. idk if that makes sense, it’s hard to put in words 

feeling in control: i mean i feel like alec feels like he doesn’t have a lot of control over his life (look i know that he’s now in a position of power but even then, like, he’s always having to fight the people above them, you know? and he’s questioned at every damn minute because of his relationship. and for most of his life, he was trained to be a pawn, to the clave and to his parents, and hell, he couldn’t even control who he would marry. most of the time alec is fighting tooth and nail to be listened to, he doesn’t really get easy obedience and i definitely don’t think that he feels like he has a lot of control most of the time, which is why being a dom appeals to him, too. don’t get me wrong i’m not saying he isn’t damn competent and important because if he weren’t he wouldn’t have gotten where he is right now, but he’s not really in a position where everything is in his hands. especially with how much he has to endure and swallow up in his life. i see a lot of meta that’s like “alec’s a sub because he needs to let go of the control” and stuff, and while again, to each their own, i feel like this argument doesn’t really hold up when you look at how much he has to fight to be listened to, and that’s why it’s very appealing to have someone just, obey, and feel like the world is in the palm of his hands, not slipping away? that’s a very long parenthesis. and like not that you need to have a Very Deep Psychological Reason to be into kink but usually those things are linked in some sort of way). and the fact that he’s autistic plays into this, because so much of what he feels just has to be overlooked? he’s always having so suppress and/or deal with overload and the frustration of having to follow a bunch of random social rules and expectations and speak a thousand different languages into one (like body language, facial expressions, etc) and it’s like he always has to be grabbing everything by the seams. plus, obviously, he likes routine and method and predictability. so being a dom, being in control of what happens, being obeyed, knowing exactly what will happen during the scene, having the time to plan it and flesh it out, it just feels particularly good and grounding for him?

and like again im not saying that “wow autistic people are doms” or anything, just talking about how these things might intersect in his personal experience, considering his desires and the specifics of his life, his autism and etc

idk i feel like this answer wasn’t very coherent, or interesting, or good, but it’s what i have to offer fuahfiah thank you for this question tho, it was really nice for me to think about

[system-of-a-feather]

Early Therapy Story Time with Riku

So I was telling my friend a bit about a kind of funny story of what our first few months / year in therapy was like when our therapist was specialized in Autism and Aspergers with little training with trauma / dissociation. It is just kind of a sit down kind of story so if you wanna read some of our experiences and get a laugh or take whatever lesson from our experience you like, feel free to read below the “keep reading”

-Riku (Host)

Back when we first entered therapy I think in like 2016, I wasn’t host (at best maybe co-host but I primarily was only active to be online and occasionally in our high school band) but instead a now-dormant alter we call TA was “host”. I put “ “ around that because while she was technically host, she switched out a lot and there was little organization in our system due to other issues in the past causing dissociative barriers to be higher than ever and making communication hard for most parts besides Lucille and myself. (which back then we were in active denial about DID and having alters so I just thought of him as my ‘smart brain’)

Originally, our family was extremely against therapy as it was a waste of money and “stupid”, but between a mental health related hospitalization of my middle sister, Lucille and I were able to put a plan to use our parent’s love for looking like the perfect parents against them as to get them to let us “get therapy for 13 weeks for Trichotillomania” and then continue using their desire to look like the perfect parents to keep us in therapy. It wasn’t necessarily the most moral way, but at the point we were at in our mental health, we needed it.

At the time, TA was really not handling our life well, was majorly depressed on a daily basis, and loathed existing to dangerous levels. From what I hear from Lucille and the bits I saw from the headspace, she often compared herself to her “online personality that could do everything where she couldn’t even socialize if her life depended on it”. Aderis, at the time, was a very jaded individual who expected for us to k*** ourselves by the time we were 18 and was behaving recklessly and as a persecutor more than a protector. I was going through abuse through a number of toxic co-dependent friendships and was slowly getting majorly depressed and stressed over how I was living. Lucille was the only active fronter that was able to function remotely well at the time, so he pulled me aside to help get us into therapy since I cared about mental health.

Anyways we ended up with a therapist that specialized in autism and aspergers because we had to hide our intentions with the three diagnoses we had before being aspergers (which my mom said we were said to have at a young age but later took it back??), trichotillomania, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Pretty quickly our therapist picked up that TA dissociated a lot and quickly came across how much she hated her existence and hated that our real life was so shit compared to our online life. Like when asked about what exactly she hated about her life / self she often rambled about how useless she was in comparrison to the life I lead online and how she felt she should just give up on life and live online since it made us happier and was better and so on.

My therapist - untrained in trauma and dissociation - did pick up on the symptom of dissociation and (in hindsight) I realize he probably went ‘shit this is larger than i thought’ and did comment “The differentiation you have between your online self and irl self sounds almost like DID but I dont know if that applies if it is online and offline self since people tend to have similar” and we vaguely addressed handling as if it was DID.

My therapist then commented on how it would be best to try to “integrate” the online and offline self, which is kind of a decent step in thought and theory for our situation, but considering he was unexperienced and handling it - it didn’t quite work that way. In therapy we then began to work towards making the online world and real life world meet which did actually get me back to being involved in our real life as Lucille had me pick people I knew irl that I thought I would be comfortable interacting with online. I picked three people and invited them to a party and only one of them stuck, that person being my current fiance.

From there a lot of work was about trying to bring her “online personality” more into the real world so that she could have the skills she developed online and what not, and essentially that didn’t really work in terms of integration as much as it really just forced me to be involved more. Since I was talking to our fiance online, I had to front more to talk to him in person since TA would get uncomfortable pretty quickly around others and she struggled to trust / get comfrotable around him.

Slowly things generally started to involve me in the real world a lot and at some point TA kind of just decided she was done existing and done fronting and dealing with life and kind of went into a slumber which has lasted the past 3 years. When that happened the system just kinda all turned to me and told me life was now my responsibility as both the most socially adjusted alter, the most passing alter, the alter that was most actively involved in our real life on a personal level and everything.

But like... I guess I didn’t tell this in such a funny manner, but like our original therapist didn’t diagnose us with DID - he wasn’t qualified to nor did he think it was ACTUALLY DID - and kind of worked with it as a weird normal level of dissociation and worked with it kind of like an exaggerated description of sorts. I don’t think for a moment he actually thought of us as separate.

I really just kind of find it funny in hindsight how much effort was put into bringing the “online personality” and integrating it and kinda how it both failed and succeeded in the long run.

It is also kind of why a non-specialist shouldn’t try to work with DID, but also to show I guess that working with a non-specialist can be helpful? Since in the end, what my first therapist did was enable and promote a host switch to the most effective potential host and that did our life a large boost considering TA would likely have been unable to maintain a relationship, manage college, or stick to therapy as full heartedly as I.

With that being said, it did put her in a deep dormancy that the entire system has been trying to preserve until we are in a safe enough life / stable enough situation and all that no matter what damage her waking up and coming out of dormancy might cause that we are 100% certain we can handle it well.

But thats just a bit of our story / night time tale of our early therapy days XD Felt like sharing the story so I hope you enjoyed. Any comments or questions regarding this is fully welcome.

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[tumblunni]

I have a question that I hope is ok. I have had a suspicion that I might have some form of autism for quite a while now and when you reblog posts that say something along the line of just autism things like the one you just did I have to do a double take because I do all of those things + have them happen to me and am shocked when I see I'm not the only one who does these things especially the really abstract. I don't ever bring it up though in fear that people get upset that I'm "faking"

Oh man, mystery person, that’s pretty heavy!! I know the feeling, it took me a LONG time of self-examination to work out whether I might have autism, and I actually did have to deal with a less-than-optimal response when I tried to talk to someone about it. My doctor outright said ‘but you seem too smart for that’, like.. what the fuck?? So seriously, you need to be prepared to be PERSISTANT. Don’t lose confidence in your decision! Make sure you get to see an actual diagnosis, don’t let them lock you out of it based on dumb stereotypes. Cos seriously, general practitioners going ‘hey this person probably doesnt have this thing that’s completely out of my division, and I wont even let them talk to that division’.. thats just.. GOD I really get frustrated and scared thinking how much more messed up my life would be right now if I’d listened to him and not ever got help for my condition!

So my advice is basically.. even if you don’t want to ‘self-diagnose’, please do ‘self-diagnose’.You need to be abnormally prepared for this, you need to have a list of all your symptoms, you need to learn the terms and have reference to point to in the event of them denying you the ability to talk to an actual psychologist. And you need to be prepared for them even treating you like you cant be autistic if you were capable of doing this!You need to hand-hold your general practitioner through explaining what autism even is, and do whatever the fuck you can so you can get transferred over to someone who actually knows who they’re talking about.Oh and common ‘self-diagnosis’ type stuff can also help a lot in the meantime, because doing research on the subject can lead you to finding new coping methods, finding other people to ask about the subject, and just generally tiding you over until you’re able to get a professional diagnosis and (hopefully) access to things like therapy and local autism community groups.Also, just, in some countries medical care is way less accessable, so I know not eveyrone is even able to get a professional diagnosis at all.

Oh, and an important thing is that autism is a spectrum and there are many different symptoms you can have. it can even be hard to discover your own symptoms, you might find that they manifest in a weird way because you’ve been subconciously trying to hide them or using some form of unhealthy coping method for years. Going undiagnosed into your adult years is really like.. one of the primary causes for autism being REALLY disabling! Dear god my stage of treatment right now is just learning to untangle a bunch of bullshit I’ve done to myself over the years, and re-learn basic life skills and self confidence. I think if i’d been born into an environment with people who actually would have recognised it and cared about getting me help as a kid, i could have grown up without most of my anxiety issues!Another important fact is that adult autism is often co-morbid with anxiety issues, due to the circumstances of being left completely alone to deal with this thing for your entire life with no support. There’s also just a lot of ways certain anxiety disorders (as well as ADHD) can have overlapping symptoms with autism spectrum disorders. A lot of the ‘that feel when’ meme stuff can be relateable to all three of these otherwise quite different disorders. So I’d reccommend looking up info on ADHD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and related conditions too, and maybe seeing which disorder seems most similar to what you’re experiencing. And don’t be scared if it seems like you might have multiple of them! In real life being ‘all the tokens at once’ is VERY MUCH not ‘unrealistic’, man I really hate those people who’re like ‘hwaaa someone who’s black AND gay AND in a wheelchair? political correctness gone maaaad!’ Seriously, its very VERY possible to have more than one mental illness, especially ones that might have a knock-on effect causing another one. Going undiagnosed and untreated for ANYTHING can lead to developing anxiety and depression, but going undiagnosed for a social disability makes it especially likely to get specifically social anxiety.oh, and randomly for an example I happen to also have prosopagnosia, which means I can’t tell the difference between people’s faces. I literally cannot recognise my best friend if she changes her hairstyle or glasses. This is kinda Double Hell combined with autism, cos its already a challenge for me to judge people’s emotions, lol!

Oh man I’m kinda going offtopic and just rambling every damn fact I know, but I’m just hoping maybe something will be helpful??I really am not an expert on autism, I dont even know any good informative blogs to link you to. I’m just a regular person who happens to have the condition, and I don’t know how to give good advice when i’m still quite often suffering from denial and self hate myself...But I dunno, I just hope it could help to hear my personal experience, and know that you’re not alone.Though now I’m worrying maybe this post is a little intimidating so it might make you feel worse?? Seriously, this is just a worst case scenario thing, hopefully your doctor won’t be as casually gatekeepy as mine was. And I mean, he seemed like a good man who wasnt exactly rude about it and wasnt doing it on purpose. If anything that worries me more, tho, cos he was just politely saying ‘haha no you’re wrong’ to a patient, about a subject he wasnt remotely qualified in, and wouldnt have ever considered reccommending me to a professional if i hadnt kept nagging him about it and come back with a bunch of research and stuff. It felt SO damn cathartic to get that ‘YES, AUTISM’ in the end! Shame I couldnt show it to him and I probably would have had my entire healthcare cut forever if I boasted XDAlso, I was lucky that I had my charity support worker to help me through the stress of the assessment interviews. I hope you have at least one person who’d be able to be there for you and believe you, in times like these. Or, even if you’re like me and you dont’ have any family and stuff, I hope you end up meeting a surprisingly awesome governent worker lady who wears a cool hat and helps you out. Seriously, Amber, you’re a godsend!

So umm.. yeah.. i am REALLY sleep deprived and I am not good at words but i hope some of this helped?? I hope you’re okay, anon!And honestly, reading ‘lol relateable jokes’ type posts on people’s blogs was how I first started suspecting I was autistic, too. I’d grown up buried in so many stereotypes of mentally ill people, I never thought I was one of them until I actually got to read blogs from their perspective. Joke posts obviously aren’t a substitute for a diagnosis, but I think they kinda serve a valuable role in the self acceptance process, yknow? Thank you, joke posts!

[asking-jude]

Im disabled and I feel no one believes my limits. Im autistic and everyone thinks I’m “high functioning” but I’m not. I sleep all the time and I can’t even bring myself to do things I enjoy bc I just don’t have the mental energy. My body is weak and I’m overweight. I get overwhelmed by things that “normal” people can do, like cleaning and putting things away. People say I’m lazy or not pushing myself hard enough but I just can’t! I applied for disability and got rejected, too.

Hi there! 

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I understand how frustrating it must be for your autism to be invalidated. So many people are ignorant about what autism is and how it can be different for different people. I don’t like the term high functioning or low functioning in regards to autism and other disorders. For autism specifically, you may function well intellectually and academically, but you still have emotional and social struggles that affect how you live. I want you to know that your autism is valid. In these cases, you have to advocate for yourself, which can be really annoying or even hard for you. It’s ok that you experience those things because they’re not something you have control over. Whatever people say to you about your autism, it has no bearing on your life. You know you the best, and no one can tell you otherwise. Have you talked to your doctor about what you've been experiencing? I'm not sure if they can help you figure out how to build strength and lose weight that is comfortable for you. I'm also not sure if they will be able to help you get extra help for your other problems like sleep and lack of energy. 

I couldn’t find specific tips for how to respond when people invalidate your disability in regards to autism. I could only find this article on how to cope with an "invisible illness," which I’m not sure will be helpful in regards to your case or not, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/living-with-invisible-illness_b_937234. I think that a useful resource for you is The Mighty. The Mighty is an online magazine centered around disability and mental illness. They’ve recently introduced thoughts and questions where the Mighty community can respond to each other and be a support system of sorts. Here is the website: www.themighty.com. If you have an iPhone, you can also download their app. They have a large autism community, which I think may be helpful to you. I also found an Autism Support Network. They have groups full of forums where you can get advice. You can view it here: https://community.autismsupportnetwork.com/. 

I’m sorry that you’ve been denied for disability. I’ve had people in my family who were also denied for disability a few times. It’s a very hard program to get accepted in to. My best advice to you is to appeal the decision. But instead of appealing alone, you should find a good lawyer who specializes in disability cases to represent you. You have to give them everything about your medical history and medication if take any. It’ll be a long process, but I firmly believe that you deserve to get it. I know that it’s upsetting when someone says you’re not disabled and you can work, especially when you know you can’t. You have to fight for your benefits. Here are some websites that I think may be helpful for you: https://www.disabilitybenefitscenter.org/how-to/appeal-social-security-disability-denial, https://www.ssdrc.com/10-5.html, and https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/disability-tips/dont-panic-if-your-disability-claim-denied. 

You can also visit Asking Jude’s YouTube for more help at www.youtube.com/c/AskingJude. 

Love, 

Meggan

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