#i dont get to be anything anymore. i dont get to leave the house on a regular basis.
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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god i miss being an overachiever
#mum joined a chorus a few months ago and is doing dress rehearsal for a concert today#she has learned twelve new songs#'yeah everyone was a bit astounded' no shit#waiting for her to leave so i can safely have a little cry because ohhhh that's where i get it from#that's why i love leon idolmaster so much. she's the me i don't get to be anymore#i miss being able to carry an entire show on my back like i used to.#i miss being the linchpin. i miss being NEEDED.#i dont get to be anything anymore. i dont get to leave the house on a regular basis.#HAHA. ANYWAY.#delete later
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me when running away from everyone makes me end up all alone:
#i dont have any irl friends anymore theyre all gone with my old discord and its been too long to go back#i lost myself over the summer in ways i can never explain.. i dont know where i am if im being honest#drinking is worsening it all#i feel so insane.. genuinely.. i cant stop getting into my own head and letting it all happen#its just me and teddy#im too scared to leave the house for longer than a few hours anymore#i cant handle people looking at .e#me. i cant handle talking. i cant handle daily tasks of anything. even these days moving feels too hard#i keep finding myself face down floating in the river#and when i turn my body over#my face isnt rotten#it isnt bloated at all.#... its just me and i look young and like i died two minutes ago#then i snap out and im making dinner#and im someone else. somewhere else forever#im so alone but id rather it right now. no one knows how bad it is. intentionally. i never tell anyone#because what would they do?#the only thing i ever learned was to run away and hide. i cant stop thinking i need to keep doing it#i just want everyone to be rid of me so i keep running and running and running
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man i wish i didnt get so Blegh in public
#im usually fine with like. a small group for a period of time#but man tonight was not fun#went over to one of the hockey houses with my little tea mug expecting a small group and a nice conversation#and it wasnt anything crazy but it was just too much#it was way too loud and there was just like one too many people#someone next to me was yelling#i had to leave quick after that bc i felt physically bad#my friend wants me to go to the bar with her for her birthday next year but i dont think ill survive that genuinely#crowded space too loud too many sounds too much touching. im probably not even going to get in i look like im 16#i dont feel nauseous anymore but i think i have a headache. so . goodnight
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wish i was a witch for real that would be so badass. god i would do anything for a magic broom
#legitimately my biggest wish like if i found a genie thatd be the first thing id ask#id be like ok make me a witch i have to be able to use magic wands and make potions and have flying brooms and talk to cats#god. god. god. god. god. god. god. none of you understand how badly i wish i were a witch.#i wish i had a flying bbroom so bad like the rest of the stuff would be awesome too but magic broom is like number 1...........#god i want it so bad. i want it so bad im tearing up /srs#waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh waaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaahahhhhhhhhhhhhh#i dont care about anything else i had a dream the other week that i had a magic broom#and what i did was fly out at night and overlook the forest where i grew up and then smoked hella weed up there#i was getting LITERALLY wizard high#i wish so badly i had a magic broom none of you could even understand how badly i want it#in the dream i also snuck out by just opening my window and taking flight........#i wish that was real. i cant leave the house undetected anymore i used to be able to in my old house but now i cant#i dont need it as much anymore so it isnt a very big problem but it still bums me out#if i had a magic broom none of that would matter........ i want one SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wish i could lucid dream and then i could fly on a broom everyday all the time. UGH!!!!!!#seriously i want to be able to lucid dream...... if i could do that whenever i wanted i would be unstoppable#and also unwakeable. lol#i would never want to do anything else but at least i wouldnt need booze to make me not feel like shit so itd be better still -_-#me and madotsuki r holding hands btw were like the same exact person
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i dont think theres a single thing in my life im not tired of anymore. i dont feel like doing anything and im sick to my stomach of everything ever
#i live day after day going through all daily activies i can do#and being sick of all of them#i dont want to sleep i dont want to eat#i dont want to talk to people anymore. i dont want to draw anymore#im fucking sick of social media#i get bored and try to distract myself but all youtube videos are boring ive heard every song on my playlist and im sick of all of them#i want to leave my house but theres nothing to do outside and no place to go#i want to buy a snack or something fun for me but the number on my bank account keeps going lower and lower everyday#im scared of running out of money and starving again#but i havent finished the commission i got ages ago and im too burnt out from drawing to get new ones#i hate everything and everyone everything makes me angry and i get mad even at my friends#im sick im tired its like i havent felt actually good about anything in ages#i am in some kind of fucked up torture chamber purgatory losing any sense of self every second#god.
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i feel like killing myself does anyone else feel like killing themselves
#i wish i could just live alone lmao#i need to eat regularly but i cant make food for myself after work w/o my little brother asking me to make him something else too#which isnt the worst thing but hes 20 he could use the oven literally anytime but he refuses to even try#and my time before+after work is so limited i dont feel like cooking a bunch of extra food for somebody who couldve done it hours ago#and then when i try to plan meals out for my family either he'd rather go to sleep or my mom (knows im cooking and then) leaves the house#AND they both get mad and offended if i order food just for myself BUT ALSO if i order for me+my brother he refuses to eat anything besides#mcdonalds which i hate like. i cant win and im just so sick of being alive#on the one hand my brother would never eat if i didnt make him food/buy him food but on the other hand at what point does it stop being my#responsibility... i'm tired i just wanna live in a world where i only have to look after myself and not worry abt everyone hating me#regardless nothing is appetizing to me anymore and i never have time to eat anyway not to mention money like im just so sick of being alive#[liza minelli cackle]
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m.
#This will be deleted in a lil bit probably#but m. am i allowed to use mobility aids at like grocery stores-#because i feel like. i need them. but then i tell myself that i'm just lazy and dont need them and shouldn't#take it from someone who actually needs it-#like if i am Completely honest i never leave my house or go anywhere because I know I cannot handle#the walking at all. and its probably because of my weight but also because of my back always fucking hurting#but mm. dont like people staring at me and looking at me and the few times i Have#dared to use one of the scooters i've had people give me Pissed off Looks or even laugh at me.#and I hate having people stare at me and look at me and it freaks me out so i just kinda don't do anything or go anywhere anymore.#not sure if I am allowed to call myself disabled because i Dont Want to Piss people off who look at me#and tell me I'm Not because maybe i am Just Wrong.#chocking this up to more things I need to talk to a therapist about#but thats if i can ever get one which is seeming less and less likely.#not to mention how i havent seen a doctor in probbly like. 2 years? maybe 3. idk im not good w time.#i still think 2019 was a year ago sometimes.
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Vent
#I fucking H A T E my sister I can't wait till I get the fuck out iof here#her kids are gonna be fuckin miserable#again she gets hung up on something that doesn't matter and makes MY LIFE harder#I fucking hate her it's not fair she gets to make me so angry and I just have to take it#fuckfuckfuck fuckfuck#I'm never gonna care about her crying over her stupid BF ever again#I'm so fucking done with this house o can't wait to get out of here she's so annoying#I told her this would happen#but everything's fine on her end cus I'm actually a good sister and DONT SAY ANYTHING#I know no one's gonna agree with me so I'm not gonna specify what happened#no one understands that I have a process and worrying about the chance of germs makes everything so fucking harder it#she negates the benefits that come with living in a clean house#I'm never living with her again EVER#and if she ever has to live with me im gonna be an annoying dictator just like her cus it'll be my house#why is she being this way????? I would leave her alone and not say anything if she was in my position#she's such a bitch I don't fucking care anymore#now I can see her BFs side a little#I'm not allowed to show emotion or anything I hate her so much I wanna die
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i am just about to never talk to anyone again, i have almost no friends or life in person
#i feel rejected by everyone#i slept with one of my closest friends and now hes been avoiding me even tho we had been flirting for months#my partner is upset even though he said it was okay#i haven't talked to my best friend in ages and he hasnt reached out to me so i feel like thats just cut off#im not leaving the house and i feel like i am only bringing the people around me down#things feel good for a bit and then i just feel worse#i probably sprained my hand bc i punched a wall bc i wanted to relapse but the last time i did that my fiance hit them and called me stupid#i keep having truama responses to stuff#i haven't been able to find a job since april and i dont have enough money to keep living anymore#i havent had horomones in almost 2 weeks bc i ran out and haven't been able to get ahold of planned Parenthood bc theyre booked out until#like fuckin dec/jan and they dont ever answer their phones. ive gone so far as to call the ceo of my branch and she cant even do anything#about it.#i want to relapse so fuckin bad#everything is supposed to be going right for me. and its not. i apparently just do this shit to myself. i have to deserve it in some way
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not me crying because my fathers an asshole lmfao like whats new weve all known that
#i got mcdonalds for me and my mom and then spilled the coke over the table and i was already in a bad mood and didnt react and just stood th#ere and didnt pick up the still spilling drink#and hes immediately like whyd u just stand there pick it up now theres more of a mess#and im like i know Thank you#and he keeps going at it. keeps telling me how fucning stupid i was i guess#i tell him that i dont need to hear ot#so he once again victimized himself and goes oh i cant say anything in this house anymore#and i have fucking had it up to here with this whiny little bitch behavior#i say that hes only ever saying negative shit and complaining and i dont need to fucning hear that all the time#AND THEN HE KEEPS WHINING#acts like hes the most positive man ever when all he FUCKING does is complain and cry and whine and spew his little conspiracy theories#SHUT UP YOU FUCK#i think he also said shit about getting a flat and then well have our peace#like go do that id prefer it#at least now hes got to the point of being enough pf a whiny bitch tht he threatens us with leaving himself#and not with throwing me out lmfao
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i hate getting gifts because first of all are you trying to buy me make me feel obligated to you so I feel the need to be polite and sweet to you all the time and secondly once you inevitably leave what the fuck am i supposed to do with them
#bro these glow in the dark stickers on my ceiling#when i got them i felt so loved and adored for the first time in my life like wow someone#actually cares about me enough to listen to my wandering petty musings#and they comforted me so much at nights like there's light in darkness#now all i want to do is rip them off and burn them#but i already feel so alone in this house#i just feel like if i remove them then this house won't have anything of me like sure some of my clothes#are here some books but my bed was so messsy when i came mom was using it as storage and my study table#was completely unusable mom had put so much stuff like 5 suitcases under it and on top of it more stuff#like um okay i get that i was gone for 3 months but wow you wrote me off pretty quickly huh#like I dont belong here anymore#my dad already says that place isn't my house whenever he gets mad at me or when im not disciplined#like you guys. i wanted to move out at 18 you forced me to live here and now you're sick of me?#lol okay#fuck how will i ever get over this#i was watching that movie today and peter has abandonment issues and he got so upset when lj#was going to move away far from him he was like ok fine since u choose to go so far away let's break up now#because I dont want to wait till 5-6 months and then do it like let's just do it now#like that's such a classic me move being in control of when the relationship ends so you don't have to be there#when the other person completely loses interest and leaves you first#and you know how it got fixed? his dad told him that he loves him and that he's never gonna leave him again#like lol that's not gonna happen to me so i have to find a way to be ok without it#😮💨#pity party of one pls look away everyone
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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sigh
#call me stupid the way i want to believe people at their word and then find myself disappointed when suprise!!! it was all a bunch of talk#call me stupid the way i will do it over and over and over again and then wonder why im miserable!!!#oh boy!!!#fuck#this is my fault inevitably for getting my hopes over nothing every single time#i just want to die in a hole and never talk to anyone ever again#its not like anything i say will get through to them anyways#its not like anything i say fucking matters anyways ive learned that too many times over at this point#i just dont want to try anymore#im so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time to get crumbs#and then the moment im upset about anything is about how everyone else feels about that#like fuck off please let me have something#god#im so tired of being alive and no one cares and i am expected to keep living with that#like the way my ex does more to hangout with me than anyone else currently#i run errands. i go to work. i sleep. im alone most of the time. my roommates grace my presence when they arent dealing with their own shit#i watch youtube and cook dinner with them and then i dont see them unless theyre unconcious or leaving to go to work#i dont have any friends#people dont text me#when i text people they dont even respond#i am alone with my thoughts too often and then i just get to sit here and try to stop myself from spiraling and do something stupid#im always doing something stupid#like this this is fucking stupid and pointless and fuck just shut the fuck up already#rips my my fucking brain stem out god#i cannot be in this fucking house right now with myself
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