#and the wait to get on hormones
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Fuuuuuuukkkkk my birthday is in less than i week i cant do this nooooooooooo i dont wanna get older yet i can't i shan't
#leoposting#im just upset that ive been a shut in since i was 13. that's all my teenagehood spent not doing anything#and it's only gotten worse i dont even show up at birthdays or holidays anymore it's just too much#i dont leave the house except to go to the hospital#im tryyyyiiiinnnggg to make things better but it's so harddddd...#i cant even speak my voice gets so weak when i do#and i have an important meeting coming up where I'll have yo if i want to make any progress towards transitioning at all.#it'll be like practice for the actual diagnostic process for me in a way#i guess that's one good thing about time passing.#im getting closer and closer to being able yo transition#even if that's realistically still maybe two and a half years away minimum#if you consider the wait time to be able to even be able to see anyone to get a diagnosis and then the diagnostic process itself#and the wait to get on hormones#god it's just so much waiting...#and it's only partially true that im upset about getting older#sure I've wasted a lot of my life being a friendless loser or whatever but that's just the past (and present) now and it's unchangeable#and i get to be sad about it but all i can do now is just try to get better. because time doesn't stop passing.
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i'm gonna have to not be on domp for my surgery i'm gonna miss it so much, genuinely i'm destined to be a dairy cow i should be on cowpills forever and ever
#once my surgery is done and i'm back on normal hormones i'll get back on it#i'll be so obscenely happy#it'll be worth the wait#i'll show off my new cowpussy and get to grow my udders even more than before
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anyone who's thinking about transitioning and is worried it's too late. anyone who thinks going through biological puberty means they'll never pass. anyone who thinks "i'd push the magic button, but actually transitioning is hard and i'd never pass anyway and it won't really do much."
listen to me. the effects of sex hormones are powerful and far reaching and that goes both ways. i'm three months on T, my voice is dropping, my face is changing, i literally grew a dick. my transfem friends and community members who are 6 and 8 months on E are passing in the Tescos. they have boobs now.
it's not as slow as you're afraid of.
#transition#get on hormones RIGHT NOW. if you were waiting for a sign this is it.#take my hand. no biological fact is so immutable that you cannot change it.#trouble talks#pride#trans
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hey U yeah *U*
do u think taking hormones as a speedster works?
bc imt hinking about the logistics & then realizing idk how the logistics work so the logistics r not logisticing
#cause its either u need 2 take them every like couple of hrs or like it gets replaced rlly fast#wait hjoldon#ughhhhhh I FUCING H8 THE AI GOOGLE THING#bc i cant trust it AnAYWYAs so like mayb#im stupid#<- older tags#btw i still havent learned#anyways#cleaning out my drafts#i was thinking about jj but then i also started thinking about bart & like..... hey does this even work#smth smth do hormones get flushed out & replaced faster 4 them?#i mean nothing is logical theyre speedster iG but im just ive been thinking about htis
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Guess who has an appointment to start HRT in august
It's me. I'm starting T soon
#appointment is on august 15th#i will probably have to wait some time after they do a blood test to actually get the hormones#but either way it'll probably be less than two months from now that I'll finally start medically transitioning#trans#transgender#transgender ftm#trans ftm#transmasc#ftm#lgbtq#lgbtq community#lgbtqia#dysphoria#hrt#trans hrt
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any other disabled people feel like they're losing their mind trying to get anyone around them to give a flying fuck about protecting others. i had a blood test today and the nurse had a cold and was sniffing and snuffling all over the place, not wearing a mask, not making any effort to turn away, and i'm sitting there just as fucking immunocompromised as i was four years ago when they were all in PPE and i'm wondering what the fuck's going on tbh
#nobody on public transport is masked anymore. NOBODY.#it used to be I'd see a handful even if most people weren't#now... nothing. nobody#and every week another person i know gets covid and somebody else admits they have long covid#everyone is getting sicker and nobody is giving a fuck anymore!!!#my friend fucking died from this!! four years and three weeks ago!!! and it's like it never fucking happened!!!#we've learned fucking NOTHING we've put NO SAFEGUARDS in place#it's bullshit#i don't want to be wearing a mask forever but they won't even ventilate the goddamn GP surgery properly#so that i don't catch every single illness in that waiting room#god#personal#the nurse also deadnamed me and was clearly so mad about testing my hormone levels#so. you know. great appointment all round.
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#this question brought to you by: me writing 'thats all she ever seems to be in this body' and then going 'wait no wait no thats not right'#like. okay. if i say. she wants his body. im clearly talking abt two different..........physicalities lets say#she wants his body bc its unlike hers#but thats sort of like comparable to if yuo met future you and theyve been on hormones for years like#you want their body but thats still one and the same body you get me#or even just like. when youre 50 and you wish you had your 20 yo body or smth like that#you know what i mean?#its the same body it just changed#but if i phrase a phrase like 'in this body'. then it seems im separating them out#like this body is smth different from previous regenerations body#which. id ont think it is. i think its all the same body#but anyway. not sure what the exact difference here is that im putting my finger on#or Not putting my finger on#sticking my fingers IN#might just be semantics#but like. dont semantics matter sometimes#when words mean things#who knows#anyway swapping out 'body' in that initial sentence i wrote with 'regeneration' baaareeelyyy seems to solve the problem too#like i can get away with it. but its cheating. im not REALLY getting away with it#im still i think almost making the same claim i dont believe in re the bodies#anyway#can literally solve the problem by replacing 'body' in that sentence with 'lately'#fairly sure that fixes it#but not 100%
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I don't have enough for rent right now and I don't know what to do about it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
#micro log#micro.txt#i know i have an amount I can venmo request someone for cause I covered their purchase.#I'd just have to go over the receipt#but no spoons#and no idea if it'll be enough#fucking hell#i wish so much for things to be different#i am so exhausted by poverty#gods if i could just not worry about bills for like 1yr things could be so much different for me#i need to get foodstamps#i can just simply no longer afford to eat#UGH but applying as a independent worker you have to fill out this arcane fucking form!!!!#and there's no help unless you go to an office miles away and wait in a loud room with a long line for hours#and gods how would I even get there?????#ahhhhhhhhh#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#life is so hard!!!!!#not to mention the fucking appt i missed the othet day!#I'm overdue for my hormone dr#whatever thr fuck they're called#endo?#ahhhh whatever#fuck everything#and i still work so much for what 😖
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According to friends of mine I have a voice which could: "Sell them anything and is incredibly relaxing". As a trans guy, a double edged sword
#Trans#from#transmasc#queer#Voice#Also I am apparently very androgenous#these people haven't met me before#And they were quite unsure#I can't wait to start hormones#University#Leipzig#It went well though#Very nice people#Hoping to get to know them better#Teachers
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Call me Mahoro because I also think her brother is hot af Btw the plot twist in this series is that Arajin is going take his crush last name but not because of her. Sorry for the spoilers peace and love in the planet Earth
And could somebody make this Marito teddy bear real? It's a basic and essential need atp
#bucchigiri?!#/jk#look her brocon thing is weird and uncomfortable but she can be funny as hell#can you blame her for liking Marito. Look at him#his design is so cool#and so it is his personality and caring relationship with Outa and how clingy abd touchy he is to people he likes (Ara-teen)#and the nicknames are cute too#and his voice too#move Arajin is my turn#Unpopular opinion: Arajin is also good. Ik he's an ass to Matakara and it's probably completely undeserved and uncalled for but#he has some of the funniest reactions in this show. He's pathetic like a wet kicked cat waiting outside my door to let him enter#he made awful decisions and all to get laid and tbh him letting the hormones do the reasoning it's the most teenager thing ever#Most of us had been annoying af and horrible at processing information and taking hints or making important decisions#He's relatable for all the wrong reasons and he's very real for that. If you dislike/hate him I get it though. Very understandable 👍#god I wanna talk about why I think he's acting like that with his childhood friend so bad but these tags are already too much#anyway I advocate for Arateen rights and wrongs. Also for the Bucchigiri teddy bear collection#mahoro jin#arajin tomoshibi#marito jin#Mariteen#jin marito#jin mahoro#tomoshibi arajin#♡ — shut up noko#woah imagine it turns out to be true Arajin will be Arajin Jin. Wild stuff. Lmao even
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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someone please free me from the shackles of my ableist job so I can read my books, draw and write my silly little fics in PEACE
#i told my boss about people disrespecting me and calling me ableist slurs and she was straight up like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i haven't been paid yet (nearly a month now) and they still pressure me into sending my work weeks before the deadline#i can't sleep I can't have fun without thinking about whether i'm falling behind on work or not#i haven't been able to write these past week because of my work#i'm tired all the time. everyone is worried about me#if they gave me a raise maybe i could help my family w/ bills & start my hormonal therapy but they don't even pay me in the right day#i've been waiting almost 10 years to finally start hormonal therapy and at this point i'm just living for my little family and out of spite#cw: rant#vent#they say they are inclusive and love autistic people and then treat me like shit and get pissed off when I make a mistake#and then when a neurotypical person does the SAME mistake they say “oh it's fina haha” and don't yell at them like they do with me#i already quit but I have a few more weeks. I'm scared to be unemployed and embarassed. I want to help my family#but it's hard when it feels like the whole world hates people like me
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eating 100g of protein in one day is so much harder than I thought
#like things I wanna eat don’t even add up to that much#waiting to save up to see an endocrinologist to have better guidance on how to like….navigate my hormone imbalance#and if my diet had anything to do with it but I already know I don’t get enough protein so I’m just trying to see if that helps for now#I should start lifting again so I can finally have the muscles I want while I’m at it lol
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#Just heard back from my therapist and like we'd hoped we're all done with the evaluation stuff#so now I should be one physical with my GP away from a referral to the big boys in Oslo#no clue how long the wait time is to get in there#but as soon as i do i'll finally get to start the proper process that'll maybe hopefully get me on HRT#meaning that starting T is just a little over a year off if everything goes to plan and i actually get approved to start hormones#terrifying and exciting
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this book is gonna be so fucking good if I ever get around to writing it
#I did recently discover I may have been operating for YEARS maybe my WHOLE LIFE with near death low levels of cortisol lmao#so until I can get to an endo and hopefully get on some hormones I'm gonna be extra nice to myself re: productivity and stress#because it turns out my 'overexertion goes REALLY hard on me :(' may have been repeatedly nearly dying lolololol#I mean it's probably not that bad it's probably just a little funky#but my morning cortisol was 0.5 which I guess is like STUPID low#anyway I can't wait to write my whole book I'm gonna go write more of it now maybe
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anyone else ever get struck with a sudden feeling of distaste or being tired of someone who you usually really like/are friends with for literally no reason whatsoever? or is that just me
#like this has been happening with various people all summer#I'll be like... the thought of this person causes negative emotions that are literally directed at nothing#it isn't anything the person has done I just. feel like I don't care and don't really want to put in the effort with whatever friend#which is really weird bc I KNOW if I DO just put in the effort and ignore that random feeling I'll have fun and enjoy myself!!#bc I DO still like my friends actually!!! I just sometimes feel like I Don't and idk why#Lu rambles#this is especially odd when it's the sound guy bc like. not only have I been massively crushing on him all summer#but he's also one of the few people I genuinely have clicked with here. like we get along. it's cool. I've been slightly in love with him#so why do I now have this weird feeling like I want nothing to do with him/don't care#actually I feel extremely ambivalent about just about everyone right now but for some reason especially him#wait maybe it's PMS actually.... the Leave Me Alone Don't Talk To Me Don't Look At Me Don't Make Me Show Up hormones have hit :/#...that would actually explain several things from the last couple days. I should start tracking it#ok sorry I'm done externally processing my emotions on Tumblr dot com. bye
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