#I find out I have a cyst in my head and they tell me they can’t see me for months

[floral-hex]

finally, after waiting since November, I got to see an endocrinologist today. didn’t go great. As soon as I said I was going through with surgery, he got this look on his face like I’d just told him I beat dogs with hammers. Kinda tried to scare me away from it and get me to just take meds, but he relented and said to just take the meds anyway. Listen, dude, I get you’re pissed I got my neurosurgery consult first, but that’s only because your office dragged their feet & wouldn’t see me for months. Did you think I would sit around, do nothing, and feel like shit bc I should have waited for you? You can’t show up to the end of the game and complain about how it’s played…. So anyway, I’m very grumpy today.

[all-pacas]

i know i've talked about it before but god. when house and chase are alone together their vibe is just.

chase is usually deeply and pretty happily subservient to house. he's the boss/mentor, chase is the underling. where cameron and foreman both push to be house's equal, chase really never does: he's happy to follow along. but then you get them alone. every now and then chase just strolls in and reveals he can see through house perfectly, and house … never really gets offended or annoyed by this. he's pretty indulgent. he even enjoys it. "sometimes i forget why i hired you," he says, pleased.

in the jerk chase calls him out for cancelling foreman's interview. unlike when foreman did the same, house admits it, clearly pleased to be caught. chase offers him advice:

CHASE: You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing. HOUSE: I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K. CHASE: If you want him to stay, tell him. HOUSE: I don't and there'd be no point. CHASE: You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted. HOUSE: He doesn't need that. CHASE: All right, then. It'd make him feel like maybe you weren't evil. He needs that. Talk to Foreman.

he gives him orders. and house doesn't push back, doesn't dismiss chase for trying to lecture him, answers honestly.

in human error, they actually briefly continue this conversation; chase's frustration at house not taking his advice leads to his outburst that leads to his firing. (not that house fired him for getting involved or nosy.)

and then no more mr nice guy comes around, and they go bowling. first of all: this is the only time in the series house has ever invited anyone who is not named wilson out without it being a bet or a bribe. he really needed a bowling partner and went chase. but the same thing happens.

CHASE: So what are you going to do to screw up Wilson's relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you bowl? HOUSE: I wish the best for them and their tragically deformed children. CHASE: Well, she's good… At being bad. You might not be able to destroy her. HOUSE: Well as long as I give it my best shot, I can hold my head high. CHASE: Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She wasn't going to get rid of her and I sure wasn't going to join them, so I just said, see her on Thursday's. I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't want to hang out with her every night anyway. HOUSE: That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend?

(insufferable friend you will always be a legend) chase just! jumps in! gives advice! completely casually, like it's nothing, house not blowing him off or dismissing what he says. later in the episode, he takes this advice and tries to work out joint custody with amber.

it isn't that house never takes other people's advice. he quite commonly solicits opinions. cameron and foreman have also both offered house their takes, and he's sometimes even listened. but usually he's dismissive. he's sarcastic. he doesn't have a conversation about it, he listens and does what he wants. chase can just stroll in and say stuff and house engages.

and of course there's my favorite example of all, from the social contract, when house needs a surgery done:

CHASE: You want me to help you? Tell me why. HOUSE: Why what? CHASE: Why you care. The puzzle's solved. The guy's alive. And the odds of coming out of this surgery with that same status aren't that great. HOUSE: My patient has a quality of life issue. CHASE: He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition. HOUSE: When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. Until he drives them away too. CHASE: …I'll see what I can do.

he gets the truth. house all but says i identify with this person, i want the surgery done for me. chase doesn't ask questions, he gets it. but also he asks house why, and he gets an answer. no bullshit, no evasion.

we've all joked about how chase gets house, but it's like. he really does. he's incredibly observant, he's good at reading people, it's why house hired him. but he also doesn't… push. he doesn't use this ability to push house. he's not constantly trying to poke and prod and fix and understand house (because he kind of already does), but in return it means chase can jump in and just say stuff. because he doesn't make demands, because he doesn't ask anything of house, the few times he does, house tends to respond honestly in return. it makes me. insane

[fischotterkunst]

i'm not doing ok ngl!

my job was such a huge part of my identity and i put so much of myself into my work. i sacrificed so much of my health, free time, sleep. none of it fucking mattered. i loved my work and it makes no sense to me that having a useless employee who just sits in the building all day and does nothing and refuses to teach or help with anything (my supervisor) is worth keeping, but someone who genuinely loves the work and the land and the animals and the kids, and does the job of 3 people but misses 2 days a month like clockwork is worthless. it doesn't make sense to me even in light of capitalism. was i not making you more money, objectively? it's insane how the values boomers tried to teach us - company loyalty, working hard, have a degree etc. - are actually fucking worthless. literally ALL that matters is asses in chairs.

my brother told me that "this was preventable" as in, i shouldn't have also been taking days off in addition to sick days. but sick days aren't rest days, and i've been totally burnt out for over a year. no wonder my health was getting worse and worse. what was i supposed to do? they wouldn't pay me a living wage so i couldn't afford to take a proper vacation and rest, just long weekends here and there, only to find that my supervisor was telling my boss i was absent when i'd authorized time off. my mother, my family, my boss and supervisor act like i'm just being a pussy but the days i called in sick were days where i was in too much pain to get out of bed, or had a kaleidoscope migraine and couldn't see to drive. (for the record, my chronic illness is endometriosis, which causes internal bleeding and the growth of cysts on the internal organs). i don't know how im going to get another job with a doctor's note saying i'm disabled. i truly, truly need more rest than the average able-bodied person. but i can't afford to only work part-time to give myself the time my body needs to rest. applying for disability is pointless as it's not enough to live off of in my state unless you have someone to help you and i don't. i don't know how i'm ever going to move out of my abusive mother's house and have a place of my own. at this point i truly think i'm not going to survive capitalism, one way or another. i feel like i'm not physically strong enough to survive in this system where the weak are abandoned, but also that everyone is blaming me for this. it's getting to my head. i want to scream and cry. why can't you understand how sick i am? why don't you fucking care? i need help. i physically can't do this on my own. and a lifetime of trying and failing seems like torture. i'm not weak, i'm not a pussy, i'm sick and i'm so heartbroken that being sick makes me worthless in the eyes of the people around me.

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

[prettyhawkward]

TW --- surgery talk/medical trauma/descriptions.

Surgery tomorrow 😬

I'm relieved I have to be there so early in the morning (7.30) because that means I don't have to hang around waiting. Waiting to do something/for an appointment is the ND killer. You can't do anything else because your brain cannot be involved in any other process but you're understimulated, anxious and can't focus on anything so every single minute just draaaaags along and it's horrid. By the time the appointment happens you're almost relieved because at least you aren't in the Waiting State anymore.

Anyway I need to eat lots of good things before 6pm but I feel like my throat is a tube with a sock in it.

I think... this is actually the first time I've had a surgery that has been pre-planned and isn't a sudden rushing emergency?

My first surgery was in 2015 I think? Or was it end of 2014? Uncertain... either way. I had my appendix out. And then I had another surgery right before moving house. This one was meant to be a keyhole surgery but when I woke up after they had done a new incision because apparently I had a big cyst that they hadn't seen originally (????)(i was there for an ectopic pregnancy) So they opened me up and took that out and LEFT the damaged fallopian tube behind after apparently trying to 'repair' it which then led to me having a life threatening tubo ovarian abcess the size of a large mango that put me in hospital for 2 weeks much later.

Anyway... since that time when I woke up and the pain hit me all at once and like... you just sort of know? Your body hurts in this specific way and there was a nurse next to me and he was like... you really can't move yet and I was like bro I had keyhole surgery they said I would be fine?? And he gave me the yummy morphine button and I had fun clicking away at that until I maxed it out obviously and then I was still in pain and completely dissociated and the dr came and she takes the dressing off but I was lying flat and couldn't see properly and they spray this cold thing on and I'm like... it wasn't keyhole surgery and she was like oh did they not tell you we opened it up and I struggled to lift my head enough to see and started panicking a bit and she's like it's okay you had a cyst on your ovary that we had to remove and like jokingly makes the size of it with her fingers.

Later on following that surgery I was rushed back to the hospital after fainting because I was packing a house whilst taking care of my 9 month old baby. (Pulled 2 stitches) At that time they thought I had internal bleeding because I kept... um shitting blood? And my stomach was like purple and grey?? So they put me under again to do a colonoscopy to find the source of the bleed. Which apparently they never did find. 😖

Anyway I survived that too and we eventually did manage to move house and I healed but now I'm just shit scared of going under and I can try to tell myself it's going to be fine and I'm not overseas anymore and it's just a small surgery to fix - and thats when I remember I wouldn't need this fucking surgery in the first place if they hadn't been useless and negligent and damaged me and now I'm back to being terrified cause what's to stop someone making a mistake again and this time it's not in my stomach or whatever its my fucking head and that in itself is so scary like they're doing surgery in my face and my brain is there and my eyeballs and what if something goes wrong and I go blind or there's a bleed in my head or something.

Going to like grovel until Sebastian puts me in a box cause I'm not doing this.

Yes I have alters who take care of these things for me but I still remember it and I still have to live with the lead up and the anxiety of knowing something is going to happen to my body again and I have to recover again and I have to endure pain again.

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

It's a personal gab. Medical talk.

I was potentially diagnosed with endometriosis. I'd been screened previously and they noticed fibroids and cysts. Cool, cool, nothing major--right? Until the pain doesn't stop, until the cramps double me over, until pain meds don't work. Until I have to call out from work.

So I go back for more opinions. I'd already tried birth control pills but hated the side effects. I asked my doctor if there was anything else I could--exercise, diet, supplements. I'd do it. Doc tells me well there's really only birth control.

I'm not above Western medicine. I just wanted to exhaust all other options.

I go to a different doctors--who's seen me a total of twice after last week. He listens to how bad the pain's been for me since August 2019, hears how I've tried pills and don't like them, that I've lost weight, changed my diet (and am still working to change) and goes, hmm, I don't think it's just something like bad periods.

He tells me that he has a strong suspicion for endometriosis, lays out a potential treatment plan that weights out my dislike for the pills (which leaves me with the only option as an IUD), and potential surgery if it doesn't work. But he does tell me--none of this is curative. It's all meant to help mitigate my symptoms. There's a high chance that if I do go for surgery, I'll have to go again in a few years.

This fine because what he doesn't do is dismiss any of my desires to still try alternative paths of medicine.

I go in for another ultrasound today--just to re-establish that the cysts (which he now suggests is endometrioma) is still there. All to find that there's a potential lesion of endometrial tissue growing adjacent to my left ovary, near the fallopian tube. It's not official, just the tech's initial observation. The doctor still has to review everything.

And I only feel grief. Grief that the path I thought was on is going to look vastly different. I might do surgery first, then an IUD. I may be able to do an IUD first and then save surgery for last. I feel grief for the 23 year old who knew something was wrong but didn't say anything. I feel grief for the 26 year old who left every OBGYN appointment disappointed and angry. I feel grief for my 27 year old self who still thinks that it could all be fixed in a snap.

I have chronic conditions (eczema, asthama, food and season allergies). I'm not new to chronic conditions. Endometriosis is long stand, chronic.

There must be a limit on the number of ailments a person can have all at the same time and I hope with this I've hit it.

I'm exhausted, and frustrated, but also relieved to know it wasn't all in my head. But goddamn, I need to unsubscribe from the strongest soldier package in 2024. Pls and thank you.

[rhersimp]

2/29/24

TW: Animal illness and potential death

I think my cat Hemingway may die today.

Two weeks ago the vet found a lump on his side, and while we were hopeful at first that it may've just been a cyst, he's since gotten a lot worse. He's been deteriorating really quickly, not eating a lot and losing weight even though we've given him anti-nausea medication frequently. Last night we think he might've had a seizure because his walking became very staggered and wobbly out of seemingly nowhere.

I'm hoping against all odds that there is someway to help him, that today won't be my last day with him, but I'm not at all sure that that'll happen.

Even his purring is extremely weak and it hurts so bad to know that he's suffering.

My family and I have had him ever since he was a little kitten. I was only 8 or 9 when we adopted him. He's always been the most comforting, understanding, gentle guy with us. Once, when I was upset as a small child, he tried to comfort me by giving me one of his little beat up toys, but when that didn't work he bit me just to see if that would work. He loved cuddling with my mom all the time and he'd sleep right on top of her head at night.

When he was younger he used to be exactly like a dog and play fetch and we'd have to keep the toilet seat down for similar dog like reasons. He was always incredibly smart. I remember once we were watching something on TV together that had kittens in it and we were watching it on one of those older sets and he climbed up onto the cabinet and went around the back of it to try and find the other cats.

He got along with all the other cats we had really well, although occasionally he could be caught being a little bit of a bully to our second oldest cat Bella. He pretty much raised our youngest cat Twain as his own little baby, letting him jump on his back all the time when he was a little kitten and sleeping and cuddling with him. The two of them always got into play fights with one another too when they tried grooming each other and it was stupidly cute.

In his older years he really liked sitting on the front porch of our house in the Summer. We never let him go further than that for a multitude of reasons, but he didn't usually care. He liked the sun and the flowers and chewing on sticks that he found. He liked sitting on our laps while we watched the sun go down.

He had the cutest, whiny meow whenever he wanted more food or attention.

I really really really really do not want this to be the day he dies, but I also don't want him to suffer if he's in pain.

I'm sorry that I don't have a better closer for this post. I might not reblog anything on here for a little bit. There was a more fun post that I wanted to make instead, but writing this took center stage. Please love your pets while you can, please hug them and kiss them and tell them that they are cherished. Very few things are indestructible. Very few things are plastic and last forever.

Please just treasure your time together.

Edit: 8:20 PM

He's gone.

I know it's cliched, but it doesn't feel real at all. I know he's not coming back but I still feel like he should be here. He was like my baby brother, I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

I'm just glad that he isn't suffering and in pain any longer.

I'm going to add some pictures of him to this post a little later so that you can see what a good boy he was, but since I'm not really done crying my eyes out yet that takes first priority.

Like I said before, please love your pets while they're still in your life. You can never predict when death will take them from you.

[limestoner]

Threw up on my way to the car after work because the 88°F/31°C. Ultra pleasant. I tried to stop barfing just long enough to get into car and fringe home but like a video from Let’s Game It Out, my nausea would go down but it kept coming back.

So I’m doing little barfs in the grass by the cars and trying to hide it but fortunately it’s there aren’t many people on that side of the building area. Barfing my way along.

MADE IT TO THE CAR! I can sit in glorious air conditioning z . Improving but now from the bowels of hell I feel an MPP [massive projectile puke] coming on. I turn to open the door and get out of the car.

And it’s my BOSS’S BOSS. Walking her dog. I tried to make myself look pleasant in case she saw me because of she noticed me she would know who I am. I don’t think she saw me. She bundled up doggo into the car and drove away soon. I thought I had done well holding it in but I got out of the car, stood up, and immediately emitted a waterfall of chyme confetti. I wanted to find a better pun but:

That’s not what I meant! Anyway, I pivoted 90° and fell forwards into the grass, hidden by my car and hurled and spewed. Everything was fine I was nearing the end of the heaving when I hear a voice — one of our new people saw me and asked if I needed anything or if she could help.

I hope I looked sort of passable as I turns to her and I said, “No, no thanks you. I’m almost done here.” Almost done here? Seriously, WTF. She offered again and to stay with me but I held myself together to thank her again for being so nice but that I would be okay. She left, I did one last hurlah and was fine, drove home, and was finer after a shower, a food, and a lot of water.

I’m so glad that I work at a place that understands me. Not everyone can say that. But I still don’t want to barf on the boss’s boss’s dog or be known as a parking lot barber. I mean parking lot barfer. Puking lot.

Abrupt topic change because I didn’t want to deal with selecting and copying and making a new one.

Soundtracks of head music I made up as a kid:

Anemia the Horrible

Oh horrible cysts on my eyes

For constant waves of pain

For purple bruises on my knee

I’m walking with a cane!

Anemia Anemia

I skinned my other knee

I’m really beat with broken feet

And it burns when I pee

Hallway Chant

OoooooOOuuuuuu… etc. like the chanting in the beginning of this short film that is embedded so deep in my childhood that it’s like this movie was an historical event. I would hum it while walking in places like hallways and paths that have numbers on the doors or walls. Watching the numbers go up or down and my voice going up and down. Soothing. Like drifting along with numbers in space.

Florence Foster Jenkins

The sheaf song I mean head song no no I rhymed some words and cobbled them together over a tune I got somewhere. In this case, that kid jump rope playground tune.

Florence Foster Jenkins fell down the stairs

Florence Foster Jenkins’ head needs repairs

Her mama came home and gave her some spankin’s

How many whacks for Florence Foster Jenkins?

Etc. and maybe you whack the ground hard with the jump rope. Actually, no you don’t becsusr DO NOT gleefully count child abuse. But if you want to look at it like the Cinderella one and I think there’s another one that’s not so nice. So where do you draw the line. Where you draw the line. My line is I love the singer, hate the sin. The singer isn’t just me. It’s anyone who feels pure joy from it.

Lines and sings

Signs and rings

Spines and leads

Loons and sheds

Her husband brought some flowers.

Also, learn about Florence Foster Jenkins. Interesting story. It has been a long time since I heard one of her songs. I am not good with music. I don’t understand how it works. I barely get it enough to be able to have preferences. But. I can tell that something is amiss.

I need to stop this before

[notaboutcurrentpolitics]

Day 2 | 7th November 2024

Pain scale: 4/10; leading problems continue to be my right foot (extreme soft tissue tearing and damage), my ruptured left ovarian cyst, and a prodromal sore throat.

It’s so surreal. The earth, the air, the sky feels heavier today.

My partner just came in and said he’s not going to work. He is too sick. He’s not as politically involved as I am, but he knows I’m scared. “Your body, my choice” keeps ringing in my head like a proverbial downward spiral. I feel like a Junji Ito character, the one who has a spiral going into her head.

The news reports are repetitive. Hell, I don’t even WATCH the news so so much as listen to the social media platforms they’re hosted on.

I have the need to protect them. The young people who are first time voters. The women who can’t find access to medical care. The couple next door. All of them. I see the fear in their eyes and in their wavering, fragile voices. Many are strained from crying and screaming. I’ll admit I am at that point too, but I have bottled my emotions in, for the sake of everyone around me. I wept quietly last night and blamed it on the extreme pain of an ovarian cyst rupturing. That did happen last night too, and once again I nearly threw up from the pain.

Having proper access to pain management, even if a euthanasia program like MAID becomes a thing in the US, is something I will always fight for. I am deathly afraid that my own opiate script - my measly ten Norco a month - will get cut by the Trump/Vance administration. My hip dislocated and relocated with a loud BANG! last night in front of my partner. He thought his knee was bad until my “hip joint said ‘hold my beer’.” I was honestly more surprised that he’s never seen or heard my hips pop like that. I wish I could do it on command so my dumb pharmacist can release my medications to me. My measly 10 norcos a month, a muscle relaxer, and klonopin to keep my vagus nerve from wigging out every five seconds.

It’s all in my head my ass.

In the stillness, I look back at the hope and strength the minorities had for our nation. As Kamala put it, stars in the darkness. I am so proud of all of the GenZers and first-time voters who went out there and did their civil duty and so much more. I look at my “I voted” sticker on my tea bottle and know that while the outcome is grim, this will be his last term in office. In two years we can vote MTG out - or at least try to. The Princess who used Daddy’s Money to secure a seat in Congress.

The lack of sleep I continue to get is causing me to have hallucinations. Many of them are in the style of the original artist of “Scary Stories to To Tell in wthe Dark.” Faces and spiders a routine became the norm.

I am cowering in fear as I watch Biden and Kamala secede. Men are getting more bold, more brazen. Shouting “your body, my choice” at them. I fear another Oscarville Massacre is in the wings. Another J6. I have myself intellectually and physically armed to the teeth. The men in the house are sympathetic towards me, but I pray they never go through what I went through. It’s a burden of trauma I fear will happen more often now.

This is the second day I would hop back into RDO and have chosen to stay in bed and read - The Deep by Nick Cutter. I haven’t found it scary yet but I’m only twenty-something percent through. Anything to distract me and keep me away from republicans and men at this point.

Also the new season of handmaid’s tale starts on January 20th, how convenient!

[eideticly-strange-one]

Welcome to my bizarre corner of the internet!

Think of this as my Card (or however you spell it)

List of Trigger Warnings Below The Cut! PLEASE DO NOT SKIP!!!

This blog and this post will contain the following triggers:

Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Forced Starvation, Discussions of Mental Health, Extreme Chronic Pain, Cults, SA, Attempted Murder, DID-esque Things, Disassociation. More to be added as I think of them…

I’ve made this blog to chronicle my weird ass journey through my somehow even weirder ass brain. 🧠

About me:

General Shit

I’m an adult 👨‍🌾

I’m a spoonie 🥄

(In my case that means I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, every single joint of mine has a ganglion cyst pushin’ it apart 👌, possible MS but I’m too poor to test for it (MRI’s are expensive!), Diabetic af 🍭, and other things probably but I can’t think well atm 😵‍💫)

Cult Survivor

Domestic Abuse Survivor

Child Abuse Survivor

SA Survivor

Engaged Gay Guy 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (eyyyy that’s a nice one :D I’m not all horrific!)

Lucid Dreamer. In my dreams, you control Dream. Not other way around. I started doing this for sure at age four.

BRAIN STUFF!!

Complex PTSD

OCD (but not your stereotypical type. Nope 🙂‍↔️ instead of cleaning like crazy 🙄 I can’t clean sometimes because I’m convinced my dog or fiancé will die if I do! So my trash becomes precious in the sense it’s keeping my loved ones alive. Fun!) (Also I’m a chronic skin picker! Check out my scabs 😏)

Horrific ADHD! It’s so fun to have a vast and useless knowledge of randomness but if you asked me to tell ya what I did five minutes ago I wouldn’t be able to, even if you had a gun to my head 😬 (Forgetting what you are saying as you’re saying it squad STAND UP!) And my time blindness is insane…

Maladaptive Daydreaming. (Say hello to my fake scenarios! … oh… they don’t actually care that you said hi… sorry…)

Hyperphantasia… I used to think everyone was like this. Turns out nope! Ever imagine, in horrifying detail, what it would be like to be stabbed and then you get stabbed and it feels the same? No? Oh… lol yeah me neither 😳

Eidetic Imagery. This one is so fun when you have horrific traumas to fondly look back on against your will 🙂 Plus side I impressed my art teacher by drawing an apple from memory and it was better than my attempt at copying from life (it’s easier when you can hold the apple in your imaginary hand to get better angles ^_^

Generalized Anxiety disorder! I’m generally anxious! About what? You tell me, man, you tell me…

Severe Social Anxiety Disorder! I’ve had this since before I can remember (my memory starts at my first birthday party, so that’s pretty cool of me 😎)

Atypical Panic Attacks! Since waaaaaaay before my traumas I’d just be sittin’ somewhere doin’ something I like and then BAM! Incredible amounts of adrenaline start surging through my system! For no reason! This one took my first psychiatrist a while to accept. He was convinced I was doing or thinking something that triggered me but nope! It’s just random. Like my dumb ass 😁

Dyscalculia! I read numbers backwards! Do math backwards! I cannot judge distance to save my life! Reading one of those round clock things is impossible! I cannot tell left from right! Even though my Dad tried to ‘train me’ by saying which side he was going to punch and I had duck in the other direction! If I didn’t get punched it was pure dumb luck 🍀

Dyslexia! ‘Cause why not have another Dys syndrome! I have made progress on this one however, by a considerable amount, because I’m a writer (against my will be eh) 📖

Autism. If you call me ‘Aspie’ I will find your ass. And no, I will not be nice. My object of study (special interest is demeaning, don’t @ me) is vague af. It’s stories. And horror. Horror stories REALLY scratch that itch. I read stories and watch/read/view horror from around the globe and am compulsed to compare and contrast. I’ve found you never really learn a new culture until you’ve absorbed their stories into your soul.

Now it’s time for the ACTUALLY weird shit!

Ever since I can remember, if I thought something, I would see that instead of what my eyes were looking at! It took me until fourteen to learn how to make it a transparent-ish overlay instead of blacking out my vision! Walked into a lot of doors and poles. Sometimes houses. Once a barn. Many trees… 🌳

This one relates to the first one I think. When I read I watch a movie. I cannot for the life of me understand how people read the words and don’t see a film playing out instead. If it’s a tech manual I either see someone reading it to me, or my dyslexia kicks into high gear and the words jumble up into chaos. This also makes me ‘read’ slower than most, as the voices and images have to go at the pace of a film. My fiancé reads so fast because he doesn’t even hear a voice in his head when he does it. That’s so fuckin’ bizarre of him /j.

I have a mind palace. Yeah yeah go on and roll your eyes. I read about it when I was a teenager and thought it was interesting. I figured I can imagine whatever I want in extreme detail (even things I’ve never seen before), so I made one. I use it to store characterizations. And bad memories. So it’s a character storage closet and a way to compartmentalize. I also play piano in the foyer, next to the main entrance, which is the Gates of Hell buy Auguste Rodin. I enter it by suddenly walking into the foyer. The Gates of Hell lead to any room I want. There is also a hall in front of the foyer. I enter on the… okay so if you’re facing the Gates I enter on the Left side (I had to make an L with my fingers Dx) and if you go right down the hall, past the foyer, there are rows of doors on either side of the hall, which hold frequently visited rooms. I also have the White Room, which I enter to experience nothing. With extreme pain, either mental of physical, I can go into the room and not exist for a while. This does not however mean I’m passed out. I’m getting to that part though…

I see characters from books and films as actual people. Like out and about doing things. As a child I thought they were real. By four I realized no one else saw them. I would still talk to them/play with them often. I still see them, but now it’s more voluntary.

Building off that when I lived with my extremely abusive Ex Husbands parents, (who were actively starving me to death at the time, but I didn’t realize because they had good excuses and did it slowly until all food was cut off very suddenly when I was too weak to do anything about it) I had an extreme amount of stress and anxiety. My ex was in a band, which meant that every single night we were gigging and I had to schmooze for him. I was forced to talk and charm members of other bands, producers, mixers, fans, you name it. I couldn’t handle it. I just COULD. NOT. DO. IT!!! So, one of those characters I see all the time came to me in my mind palace (that’s where they live) and invited me to his bar for some drinks (I can feel drunk while I’m in the palace, it’s pretty cool. I can also eat in there during times of starvation and it helps with the pain). He offered to do the socializing for me. So I said yes. And that’s how I spent the next six months primarily as Dean Winchester. I don’t remember much of this time. And I got into a lot of awkward situations (he was a bisexual fuckboy and I’m gay… so I had about thirteen girlfriends, with my ex’s permission as long as he could date them too… I do know, thanks to Dean telling me, that the reason I had so many was because my ex Husband was so creepy he’d scare them off. Apparently the girls offered to keep dating me, just not the ex, but per my ex’s rules, I always declined). I do remember some things though. I would say I was myself about thirty percent of the time.

Things began to escalate… years later, when I got with my more serious ex gf, things ramped up a lot. We were in the process of buying a house and adopting a child, when the birth mom lost custody to her bigoted parents who hated me even though I’d been raising their grandchild since nine months old (she was roughly two and a half at the time). They knew I was ‘bisexual’ and so thought I was of the devil. I never saw my child again (she was MY child. I still mourn her loss. It’s so strange to mourn someone who’s still alive). After that the characters in my head started coming out without talking to me first. Whenever my emotions got to be too much it was like a failsafe kicked in and they’d come out. Idk how else to explain it. My ex gf caught on, and at first was convinced I had Dissociative Identity Disorder which meant I was therefore dangerous. She was afraid to sleep next to me in case I had an ‘Evil alter’ who’d kill her on her sleep. Eventually she got over that and decided to start learned manipulating me via the characters. If I didn’t want to or couldn’t do something, someone in my head probably could. She’d purposefully trigger them to get her way and then gaslight me about it. My ability to speak with most characters was very limited at that time, so she got away with it for a while. She explained my blank periods as me being blackout drunk, having a bottle of liquor she’d poured out as the proof. Eventually I realized what was happening, as I was able to figure out how to be in more contact with each character in my head. They told me what she was doing… But like an idiot I stayed with her, thinking no one else would accept me. She ended up breaking up with me anyway when I ran out of money. Came around a few times after when I had money again. I’ve blocked her for good at this point 👍

I started using the characters more and more, strengthening my mind palace. I ended up telling my bff at the time about it and he accepted it easily. Never once thought it made me dangerous. He’s even made friends with some of the people in my head. He has his favorites, and his not so favorites xD Btw, he ended up becoming my fiancé 😘

We’ve discovered the characters can do incredible feats of strength and willpower. If I’m about to pass out from pain (which happens frequently) I go into the white room and one of them comes out. One time we had to walk two hours to a gas station at 2am. I couldn’t do it. I convened with my characters and we decided one of them could do it the best (my fiancés least favorite unfortunately). Him and my fiancé ended up going at a march, army style, and made it there and back in fifty minutes. That would’ve been a four hour walk if it had been me attempting it. I was in INCREDIBLE pain when I came to, and was also confronted with the stupid amount of drama the character had caused by being a gossiping bitch. But what mattered was that we’d done it. Well, they’d done it. Some fucking how. The characters can come out when I’m in a severe blood sugar crash and instruct my fiancé on how to help, whereas before they appeared I was a mumbling mess. Sometimes when I’m doing very unwell it feels like bench pressing 300 pounds getting them to come out, but it’s doable.

What does all this mean?

I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think I have DID. It doesn’t seem like other people I know who have it. That’s why I’m making this blog. I’d like to see if I can find like-crazed people out there, get their opinions, discuss possibilities. If you have eidetic imagery, maladaptive daydreaming, FPP (Fantasy Prone Personality Disorder), or even DID, I’d like to hear from you.

I’ll add to this later with a list of characters who I’ll give free rein to use this account. They’ll be able to make their own posts, answer asks, especially if the ask is directed to them, and just use tumblr in general. I’m going to keep this blog as strictly a post blog about my mental health journey, so no memes unfortunately :(

If you’ve made it this far, here’s a medal!! (It’s made from fiberglass and my tears 😊)

[luckystardust]

how to improve the quality of your life

Daily confidence affirmations

this sounds corny, but it works in getting rid of most negative self talk. I recommended to do it in the shower, and as you’re washing yourself imagine all the bad thoughts flowing with the water and falling into the drain.

If you’re insecure, your logical side might kill you. If you hate your looks but tell yourself “I’m so beautiful,” you might follow that with a “how?” You can actually use this to your benefit. Answer your question in your head. “I’m so beautiful because no matter how much I go through I still push forward, I never bring others down, my hair looks silky when I wake up, stray cats approach me..” any reason you want. Try to switch it up

Invest in a gym membership

If you’re physically able, I recommended weightlifting. It builds confidence, strength, and can also aid in mobility.

Some gyms come with a sauna or steam room. Definitely utilize these as they can improve your skin quality and overall wellbeing.

Track your water intake

Water reminder apps aren’t enough. I’ve tried them before and have the time I’ll ignore the alert. I recommend the Waterllama app. You’ll have to pay a few $$ for this feature, but you can log in drinks besides water to see how hydrated you are. The free version of the app calculates how much water you need based on temperature, level of activity, and your weight. Hydration is important, yet most people are dehydrated.

read

this may seem like a no-brainer, but people often misunderstand how reading can bring you peace/help you grow.

Reading fiction allows you to escape from reality. It’s perfect for when you want to relax and become sucked into a story. I recommend the vegetarian by Han kang (please look into cws before reading!) and Heaven by Meiko Kawakami. Finding prose you can connect with will give your life meaning.

Reading nonfiction can give you lots of insight on history, sociology, and/or any topic you can think of. You can easily improve the quality of your life by choosing a topic or two of interest and reading many books on the subject. You’ll feel fulfilled and intelligent after educating yourself. I’m currently reading the R*pe of Nanking by Iris Chang. I will make a list in the future of random topics you can research when you’re bored.

Self help books. Honestly these are iffy. I believe self help books tend to focus on the individual, but I believe that growth comes by interactions with others and fostering good connections. If you agree with this, you’ll love Bell Hooks. Although she focuses on feminist theory, her books can be used for personal growth (for all genders). I also recommend “the highly sensitive person” by Elaine Aron. Try to read these types of books by people with a PDH. I don’t know, I guess I just trust them more..

Invest in good hygiene

Skincare: no one needs a 10 step skincare routine, but I highly recommend 3 things. When you wake up, apply sunscreen. At night, wash your face and then moisturize. My skin used to be filled with bumps and cysts, but now I get compliments. I used witch Hazel and African black soap to clear my skin back in the day, but right now I use Korean products (with the exception of my Japanese shisedo sunscreen). It’s important to understand your skin type before you jump on trends because you might accidentally make your skin worse. If you want an honest review of a product, always check Reddit.

For hair care, as someone with almost straight hair , I recommend washing every 2-3 days. If you do it everyday you’re bound to dry out your scalp and cause breakage. Try to use fragrance free products. Learn how to make hair masks at home - I massage olive oil and an egg into my hair and wash it 30 minutes later. Indian haircare is honesty so great. I recommend Amla oil for all hair types. Just massage into your scalp and then add it to the rest of your hair, braid it up and go to sleep. Also, use a silk bonnet at night. I recommend buying them from Etsy for better quality and so you can support Black businesses. AVOID HEATED PRODUCTS AND TRYYYYY TO LIMIT DYING YOUR HAIR

And lastly, body care. I don’t have much to say except that African black soap is your best friend and always put on lotion. Always. Nivea + almond oil is a great combo.

Get a library card

Watch more video essays

Go on walks daily

People watch

Go to cat cafes

Limit your screen time

Fix your posture

Do breathing exercises

Do mobility stretches every morning

[crysalita]

Left Behind

Bo Sinclair x Reader

Word Count: 2439

Warnings: Suicide mentioned when Bo is telling the story about Trudy.

I had to admit that I never actually wanted to be here, on a road trip that is, but somehow I had managed to find myself getting an invite from Carly, who claimed there needed to be more girls. I reluctantly agreed to tag along, and so far I was regretting that poorly made decision.

I was a third wheel as I lagged behind Carly and Wade. I felt as if all I had done so far since we arrived in this town was either roll my eyes or sigh at their constant flirting. If I had of known that this is what my day was going to consist of then I would have said no in a heartbeat.

The small town we had arrived in gave me strange vibes, whether it was because the town was oddly empty even though we could hear chatter, or whether it was because of the two men that we had come across.

Bo, the man that works at the gas station, spent most of the time eyeing me down after the run in at the church, I didn’t know how to feel about it.

“So, Y/n. What did you think about Bo? He seems to have taken quite an interest in you.” Carly teased, nudging my shoulder.

We were in the gas station looking for whatever part that Wade needed.

“Don’t be stupid, he was just being friendly.” I scowled.

“Coming from a guys perspective, he definitely finds you hot.” Wade spoke up.

I sent him a glare. “Just look for that part.”

“He’s got everything, but a 15 inch. I’ll just have to use a 16 inch.” Wade grabbed a hold of the strap that he needed, but we were startled when we heard another voice.

“Are you planning on stealing that?” When I turned around, I was met with Bo leaning against the door frame, still in his suit and tie. I had to admit that the suit did look good on him.

“No, we just didn’t know how much longer you were gonna be, and you know, we didn’t wanna interrupt again.” Wade rushed out. “But I left you some money on the counter, but you don’t even really have the right size. You don’t have any 15 inches.”

“I do at the house.” Bo replied, not looking in the slightest bit like he was convinced by Wade’s constant stuttering, I couldn’t blame him though, Wade made us look more suspicious than we actually were.

“Look, I hope you’re not getting the wrong idea that we’re in here.” Carly attempted to ease the tension.

“Yeah, we already feel bad enough after interrupting the first time, we just didn’t want to do it again.” I smiled politely. In return, Bo sent me one of his own smiles and gestured for us to come out of the shed.

“No worries. That was in the past. We can move on from that.” Bo replied as he held the door open for us.

“You keep fan belts at your house?” Wade asked.

“I get things delivered there when I’m not here. Look, if you want to hold onto the 16, that’s fine by me.” Bo was looking more agitated by the minute.

“No, it’s okay.”

Bo led us outside of the gas station and we began our journey to the house that Bo lived at. My legs were already tired enough as it was from all the walking we had done, and I honestly wasn’t trying to do anymore.

“So, is it too late to sign Carly up for that beauty pageant?” Wade asked with a smirk on his face.

“Now unfortunately it is, well at least for you-” Bo turned and nodded in my direction. “-Because you have won, hands down.” I blushed slightly at his comment but shook it off quickly as I looked away.

“Thank you.” I mumbled. My gaze landed on Carly who was giving me a smug smile to which I rolled my eyes at.

“That house of Wax is pretty cool.” Wade changed the subject. This caught Bo’s attention.

“You went inside?”

“Yeah, it was unlocked.”

“I did try to tell them they shouldn’t, but they both happen to be very stubborn.” I didn’t dare step foot into the House of Wax. Knowing myself I would probably end up ruining the art in there, and I would never forgive myself if I destroyed someone’s art that they, more than likely, spent hours trying to create. I did manage to get quick look inside when Carly and Wade entered, and it truly was amazing.

“Everything seems to be unlocked ‘round here, don’t it? Thank you for having respect.” I was rewarded with another one of his smiles that really did compliment his face, although he did use quite an odd choice of words as it made him seem all the creepier.

I shared a look between the other two, who were also very creeped out.

“I did get a look inside though, when they opened the door that is, and the wax sculptures are amazing.” I complimented. I was a bit bummed out that I couldn’t see the artwork up close to see their full detail, but my conscious got to the best of me and now I was glad that I didn’t go in.

“Yeah, people used to come and see it from miles away. Trudy was the main artist.” I could imagine the amount of people that I wanted to see it, but for some reason there wasn’t any.

“What about Vincent?” Carly questioned. “I saw his name on a lot of the work.”

“One of Trudy’s boys.”

“That family must be very talented. Are any of them still around? I would love to meet them, and maybe they could help me out with some of my own art.” I commented.

“Oh- no. It’s a horrible story. Trudy’s husband, Doctor Sinclair, he was a doctor. He got his licence revoked for doing surgery’s on the side, you know, stuff that most doctors wouldn’t do. So, he moved him and Trudy out here to Ambrose, made a fresh start in medical practise and Trudy found her calm with the whole wax sculpture thing.” Bo explained as we walked past the House of Wax. “It was her dream to do something incredible here. Then she had a couple of kids-”

“What’s so horrible about that?”

“Trudy got a cyst in her brain, she just started rottin’ away.” My eyes widened as Bo continued the story. It was really starting to take a dark turn. “Couldn’t work no more, she went crazy, and it got so bad, that Doctor Sinclair had to strap her up to the bed. The whole town could hear her screaming from the house. And Doctor Sinclair was so depressed that he couldn’t save her he-” Bo creates a gun with his fingers and pretends to shoot himself in the head. “Blew his head right off.”

“That’s horrible.” I mumbled.

By now we were approaching the last house on the road, meaning this was where Bo was staying. The sky was getting darker and darker by the minute, making the situation all the more terrifying.

“Hey, uh, why don’t you three hop in, and I’ll go get that fanbelt for ya’” Bo opened the door to his car and gestured for us to hop in.

“No, we actually have some friends picking us up where the roads washed out.” Carly interrupted.

“I’ll give ya’ a lift there. It’s the least I could do then for making ya’ll wait.” Carly and I both turned to Wade who was nodding his head.

“Could I use the toilet?” I asked Bo as Carly hopped into the car.

“Yeah, of course. You said you need to use the can too, didn’t ya?” Bo faced Wade. He then proceeded to ask Carly the same question before he led us into his house.

The house was nothing less than what I expected, not that I expected much. To no surprise, it was quite messy, but I couldn’t hold that against Bo, as he most likely wasn’t expecting guests.

“So, where ya’ headed too anyway?”

“Uh, where just headed to a football game.” Wade answered.

“Bathrooms just down the hall. Let me get out of this jacket and tie, and I’ll get the fanbelt. I have another bathroom upstairs for ya’ to use.” I followed Bo up the stairs as Wade walked down the hall. I began feeling nervous as now I was left alone. “You interested in football?” Bo cocked his head to the side as he looked at me. I found myself staring a little longer than I should have, which Bo took notice of too, as his lips twitched up into a sly smirk.

“No, not really. Just here for Carly.” Bo nodded his head along with what I was saying before he popped another question, a very unexpected question.

“I take it ya’ single than?”

“What makes you think that?” I stammered.

“Well, considering those two are tied to the hip, that would most likely mean that if ya’ were seeing someone, then they’d be 'ere too.” Bo explained as he shrugged off his jacket. “And if it were me, I wouldn’t let ya’ out of my sight. Especially in a town I’ve never been in.” Bo opened a door that revealed to be the second bathroom he owned. I walked in and closed the door and instantly let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding.

This man was making me feel all kinds of things, and I wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

I did my business and exited the bathroom to see Bo waiting outside, this time he was dressed in casual clothing, and no longer rocked a suit and tie. I had to admit that this man could certainly pull off both looks.

“Did you need help getting anything? I don’t mind helping.” I offered.

“That would be nice, thank you.” I followed behind Bo, who led us into the garage that was covered in tools and what I could only assume was car parts.

“Is it always this quiet in town?” I watched as Bo gathered some things and placed them in crate he had. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, so I waited where he had placed down the crate.

“Depends on the day, I guess. Sometimes it can be noisy, believe or not, and some days it’s dead silent. Today just so happens to be one of those days.” Bo mumbled.

All of a sudden the lights were cut off and everything went pitch black. I immediately put my arms out to reach for something to grab a hold of. “Bo?” I held my hand out in the direction of where Bo was last stood. “Bo? Where are you?” I felt his hand come in contact with my own.

“I’m right here, sweets.” I was thankful the lights were off so Bo couldn’t see the blush spread out across my burning face. “I don’t know what happened.” The sound of metal hitting the ground echoed throughout the garage, and then I heard the sound of the horn from outside.

“They must be waiting for us.” I muttered to no one in particular. The lights then turned on and I found myself extremely close to Bo as his chest was almost plastered to my back. “Sorry about that. That was childish.” I apologised I pulled myself away from Bo.

“Nothing to be sorry for. Ya’ get a little scared of the dark, nothing to be ashamed of.” Bo picked up the crate of tools. “I’m going to take this stuff out to the truck. Would you mind finding the wrench for me? It should be in one of the drawers over there.” Bo nodded his head in the direction of where the cupboard filled with drawers were before he exited the garage.

Everything felt scarier now that I was alone and everything around me was silent. I could hear my own breathing with how silent it was, and I hated it.

I searched through the different drawers before I found the wrench that I was looking for.

I began hearing shouting from outside and I quickly made my way outside, only to find the truck driving away and Bo standing outside, the tools scattered across the ground. “Bo, what happened?” I slowly approached Bo who was seething with anger, that was until he turned around to me. His face relaxed as he locked eyes with my own.

“Your little friends just decided to drive off with my truck. I guess they forgot that there was a third one with them.” My mood dulled at his words. How could they just leave me like that? “Hey, don’t let them get ya’ down. You don’t need 'em. Especially after the way they’ve acted today.” That didn’t change the fact that someone that I considered to be my best friend, had just left me behind to run off with her boyfriend, did I ever really mean anything to her. “Listen, I have another truck at the station, if ya’ like, we could walk down tomorrow morning and I could drive ya’ where you need to go.”

“That’d be great. Thanks.” Bo walked back inside, forgetting about the tools that were lying all around.

“You can sleep on the couch for tonight. I’ll get ya’ some blankets to keep ya’ warm. Did ya’ want something to eat?” Bo yelled out as he walked up the stairs.

“I’m good.” I called back. I sat down on the couch and stared off into nothing, this day was going horrible. I sighed as I placed my head into my hands and tiredly rubbed my eyes.

“Hey, ya’ know. I’d love to see ya’ some more. I wasn’t lying when I said ya’ were pretty. Definitely caught my eye.” Bo placed down the blankets on the end of the couch as he sat down beside me.

I found myself blushing for what felt like the millionth time today. “Really? I’d like to see you more too.” I whispered, looking everywhere but the man beside me.

Bo placed his finger on my chin and guided me to look in his direction. “Look at me when ya’ speak. I want to see ya’.”

Before I knew it, we had spent what felt like hours talking on that couch before I eventually got tired and fell asleep, and that was definitely the only good part about my day, getting to talk to Bo.

[beauvibaby]

tough decisions — j.oleksiak

a/n: finally another pcos fic, this is based around my symptoms with it, hopefully it’s relatable to most of you!!

warnings: pcos, anxiety, surgery and mentions of covid

“Hey, babe, I should be there in ten.” Jamie answered cheerfully, assuming you were calling to see how far out he was. “I’m sorry, J.” You mumbled, hiding back a groan at the pain tightening in your lower stomach. “I just don’t feel good tonight, could we reschedule?” You asked, letting out a small wince as you leaned against the counter. “Of course, are you ok? You sound hurt.” The concern in his voice only made you feel worse, you managed to hum in response, “oh.” He mumbled into the phone, clearly picking up your message.

You two had been dating for a little over six months, and now that he thought of it, he couldn’t recall a single time when you were on your period and miserable like this. “Did you want me to come over? I can bring you dinner?” He offered, waiting hopefully for your response, “actually that would be great.” You sighed, wanting nothing more than to take a hot shower and hope the cramps got better once you ate. “I’ll unlock the door for you, I’m going to take a shower.” You told him, adding a soft goodbye and an I love you, he repeated the sentiment, a frown etched onto his face as he stopped to get dinner.

You had just slipped on some loose fitting clothes when you heard Jamie walk in the front door of your apartment, “Y/N?” He called out, smiling when you rounded the corner in a shirt of his that you had stolen “accidentally”. He held a bouquet of flowers in front of him along with a takeout bag from your favorite restaurant, “hi pretty girl.” He murmured when you pouted at him, “I love you.” You sighed, burying your face in his chest, “I love you too.” He chuckled lightly, kissing the top of your head. “Wanna eat something? It’ll make you feel better.” He offered, getting a huff in response, he took it as a yes and walked with you wrapped up in his arms to the table. “It hurts.” You explained with a hiss as you sat down in the chair, reaching for your food, he knew it took a lot for you to admit you were in pain, “is it always this bad?” He asked with furrowed brows, taking a bite of his food as you nibbled on yours, suddenly feeling nauseous and worried eating would make it worse. “When I get it, yeah.” You told him, going on to explain the issues you struggled with, the missed cycles, heavy cycles, cramps, all of it. If you could tell him you love him, you can tell him this.

He nodded as you spoke, absorbing the information you spit out, “m’sorry baby.” He sighed, not liking having to watch you like this. You shrugged, finally forcing some of your food down, some relief coming over you as you had something in your stomach. He didn’t push you any further as he saw the look in your eyes, the way you got quiet, he cleaned up the table, leaving you with your plate as you continued to take bites here and there. “I’m going to go change.” He kissed the top of your head before walking down the hall to your room where he knew he had a pair of sweatpants stashed away.

Well he was in there, he quickly googled what you had told him, pcos was on repeat in his mind so he wouldn’t forget it as he typed it into his phone, he read as much as he could, being sure not to be gone suspiciously long.

He got the gist of it, irregularities, heavier cramps, bleeding, mood swings, particularly sad ones.

Infertility. He pushed that one to the back of his mind, he wanted kids with you and while it was early to say that, he knew you two would figure it out when the time came.

When Jamie came out you were nearly half asleep at the kitchen table, your eyes were heavy and when you looked at him he could see the blankness in them. “You can go home, Jamie, I’m probably just going to go lay down.” You sighed, standing up and clearing your spot. “No, I wanna stay with you.” He answered instantly, giving you a soft smile as spun to face him. “Really?” You couldn’t help but grin, catching him off guard, “of course.” He rolled his eyes with a smile, out stretching his arms for you. “Good, sometimes I’m scared to be alone when it hurts so much.” You whispered up to him, pecking his lips when he leaned down to you. “You know you can call me whenever, even if I’m on a roadie. I’d call you back as soon as I saw it.” He explained to you as you pulled him along towards your bedroom, you nodded as a cramp started up.

“Come here.” He demanded gently, flopping down on the bed and pulling you with him, he adjusted you so you were laying on top of him. He lightly began massaging your lower back, feeling you relax into him. “That feels good.” You hummed, blindly running a hand through his hair, knowing he loved when you did that. He smiled, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“J?” You asked after a while, he’d stopped rubbing your back once you didn’t feel the pain anymore, “yeah?” He shifted slightly, careful not to move you too much. He turned his head to meet your eyes where you were resting on his shoulder. “I left out one thing about it.” You sighed, shuffling yourself to be sitting up more, your boyfriend nodded, although he already knew what you were going to say, he wanted to let you say it. He rested his hand in your lap for you to play with. “Go ahead baby.” He assured you, when you met his soft caring eyes you couldn’t help but get emotional. “It’s super common for pcos to cause infertility and I know we’re not there yet but you deserve to know now, and if–“ you stopped to breathe and the tears started flowing. He rushed to sit up with you, “there’s no ifs, I’m here for the long haul, ok?” He assured you, cupping your face to keep you looking at him. “I already knew that baby, I looked it up while you were eating.” He added, frowning when you cried harder. “You looked it up?” You sniffled, “that’s so sweet!” You groaned, hugging him tightly. He sighed into your hair, “I think you need some sleep.” He laughed, feeling you nod against him.

“Goodnight baby.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead as he laid down with you, relishing in the small smile on your lips as you finally felt at ease for the night.

***

Time had passed, and you both fell into a routine, eventually moving in together once you hit the one year mark. And that was already some time ago.

But over the last few months you both had noticed a change in your symptoms and decided to schedule an appointment with your doctor.

***

Jamie got out of his truck the second he got your text that said you were coming out, due to covid protocols put in place, he was unable to come in with you for your appointment, which made you even more on edge than you thought it would. You figured you’d done it plenty of times before, but knowing that he couldn’t come inside was terrifying.

He watched the doors of the medical center with concern as he rubbed the back of his neck, when he saw you walk out, eyes darting to find him as you shoved your mask into your purse, tears already pricking the corner of your eyes. He stepped forward, taking his weight off the side of his truck as you spotted him, “hey, hey, Y/N.” Jamie mumbled as you wrapped your arms around him in a shaky hug. He felt his heart clench as you cried into his shirt, “baby, talk to me.” He spoke gently, pushing you back enough to meet your eyes. “Surgery.” You squeaked out, you both knew it was a possible outcome, having done the watch and wait method for over a year. He listened intently as you recited nearly everything word for word that the doctor had said.

***

That was three months ago, a simple surgery that plenty of people have and it goes smoothly, turned into a three month process, between the pre op, and the scheduling, and the ultrasounds.

But now, now it was finally time for you to go in, and you were terrified and calm all at once. You weren’t scared for the anesthesia, or for the actual removal of the cysts, you were worried that something would go wrong and they’d have to remove your entire ovary, granted that would still leave you with one, but that didn’t make it any less disheartening.

The doctors had come and made their rounds, each one going over everything with you, over the statistics and the possible complications, only furthering your anxiety. When your gynecologist came in, dressed in her scrubs and ready to have you wheeled off to the operating room, she could see the way you were panicking and squeezing Jamie’s hand tightly. “I know she’s going to be put to sleep, but is there something she can have to take the edge off?” Jamie asked as you looked over with a pleading face. “Yes, of course.” She came over and rested a hand on your shoulder, “you’re going to do great.” She assured you, giving Jamie a reassuring smile as well. The second she left the room you burst into tears, “no baby.” He gave you a soft smile, pulling his mask down to kiss your forehead, “it’s going to be ok, no matter what happens. You’re so tough.” He wiped under your eyes, looking over as the anesthesiologist came in, along with a nurse, “I’m going to give you something to take the edge off, you should feel it pretty quickly alright?” He explained, waiting until you agreed to connect it to your IV.

Jamie watched as you took a couple of deep breaths before looking at him with a much calmer face, he held in a chuckle, “you feeling it baby?” He asked you, giving you one last hand squeeze, you nodded lazily. “Yeah.” You answered, already feeling sleepy, he couldn’t help but smile at how girlish it was making you act, “alright, I love you.” He reminded you with one more kiss to the forehead as they popped the brakes off the bed, “I love you.” You repeated as you stared up at the ceiling, he could tell you had a kind of blank face under your mask. He was just glad to see you not freaking out, as he felt the anxiety transfer to him as they rolled you away, leaving him in the empty room to wait for you.

It felt like an eternity to him, as he knew the surgery was only supposed to take thirty or so minutes, but he also knew they wouldn’t tell him anything until you were already waking up in recovery.

That was nearly three hours later, and he literally jumped to his feet when the doctor came in. She assured him everything went as good as she expected, it was just more difficult to get too, nothing went wrong and you were coming out any moment. He thanked her repeatedly as he felt his heart rate settle, after staring at a wall for so long, he turned to Google and that only worsened his anxiety on why it was taking so long.

When they finally brought you in, you still hadn’t seen the doctor because you had been so out of it, so you instantly looked at him with wide eyes, more awake now. “You did good, baby, don’t worry.” He assured you, standing beside the bed once they locked it in place, the nurse smiled as she charted everything on the computer beside you. “Are you Jamie?” She asked with a giggle, making your face heat up under your mask, “yes.” He answered, not tearing his eyes off you as he could see the puffiness in them from your breakdown earlier. He laced his hand with yours, rubbing it reassuringly as you sighed in relief. “She was asking for you before she could even keep her eyes open.” The nurse told him, earning a soft chuckle from his mouth. “Sounds like her.” He hummed in agreement, tuning into the nurses words as she started telling you what you needed to do before they would let you go, both of them surprised when you did them instantly, the doctor signing off on your release as you seemed more than fit to go home in the care of Jamie.

He was more than attentive to your every need, almost to the point where you got annoyed, but you knew he meant well so you let him do whatever he thought you needed.

You were extremely grateful to have him here with you, knowing that just because you’d gotten it fixed this one time, doesn’t mean it won’t come back. He didn’t let you think like that for long as he brought you back to the present with a gentle kiss to your temple as you leaned on his chest. “S’proud of you.” He mumbled, even though you didn’t do anything, he knew it took a lot for you to make the decision to do this. You didn’t have to answer as you curled further into him, a silent thank you for everything.

taglist: @boqvistsbabe @tortito @2manytabsopen @heybarzy @barzysreputation @yzas-stuff @iwantahockeyhimbo

[linawritesfanficandmore]

THE CRUEL WORLD WITH DISGUSTING PEOPLE LIVING IN IT

Summary:

gosh, this will be a hard chapter. Luffy's heat hit him before even the first week was over so he was off guard. luckily Zoro was there to save the day. you can always trust the first mate. TW: Sexual Harassment

Notes:

Hello there, I hope everyone is having a good time. Since I have a very important exam in two months, I am aware that I cannot write quickly and with high quality in the style I want. so I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for this chapter because this week I learned that one of my father's kidneys is covered by a very large cyst and that kidney most likely needs to be removed. My father asked my mother not to tell so that the exam would not be affected, but there would be no secret between me and my mom. My father would be very upset if he knew that I knew. so I have to pretend everything is fine, and frankly, it's exhausting. I think the reason why I want to continue fanfic is this fic is the only thing I enjoy doing in my life right now. Your comments and kudos put a smile on my face. so thank you all. I hope you all are enjoying it. I wish you good reading. I love you all and wish you a beautiful life.

////

Two days after Sanji's panic attack, Luffy went out for a walk. He actually felt bad in the morning, but he attributed it to his hunger. It had been easy for him to ignore the signs of pre-heat since he hadn't experienced any heat in 3 years.

He cursed himself when his legs couldn't carry him in the middle of the street. He should have returned immediately. But he didn't have the strength to stretch his arms. So he threw himself into an alley. It was hot. It was very hot. He should go back. He had to come back somehow. He didn't want to experience the same things again. Damn bond why don't you come in handy at times like these. Because heat was a natural phenomenon, the others could not feel his pain. Luffy was alone.

“Look here. Who would have thought we would find such a nice bitch in heat in such a dirty alley?” "Really!" “Oi! Isn't that the straw hat?" “When you say- yes he is! He was an omega. What a joke!” “I would love to make someone like him go against his nature to moan under me.” “Hey, I saw it first!” “I am the leader!” “Huh? Who made you a leader?!” "Everybody knows!"

Luffy couldn't quite grasp them. He had only one thing on his mind: “Going back to pack”. So while they were arguing, he started to take a step backward. Except for the two who were fighting, the alpha, unfortunately, noticed him. And he ran and knocked him down.

"Where do you think you're going, slut?!" "L-let me go..." “If you've been out even though you're in heat, you wanted it. And with shorts like this and a see-through T-shirt.” “s-stop… please… i-it hurts…” “Shhh… I'll take your pain away now.” "Hey!" "Hey!" “Sorry guys. I got him in my hands first.” “Alright. Just be quick! Can't wait for my turn.” “Okay. Now, where were we?” “WERE GONNA DIE!!!”

That sound?.. Gosh, Luffy was tired. He couldn't even understand who was the voice. But whoever they were must be a good person. He had beaten the man above him, and he wouldn't have pity on the others. So he let himself pass out.

***

Zoro had no plans for that day. Until Robin comes up to him and wants to accompany from him to the alley bookstore. Zoro had reluctantly agreed to be the head alpha and Robin now was from pack even though hadn't been bonded yet. That's why he couldn't turn down her offer. Along the way, Robin asked him for opinions about the others, and she kept praising and emphasizing the stupid cook for a reason he didn't understand. On their way back from the bookstore, they encountered an event they wished had never happened.

Luffy's sweet smell was coming from the alley. Zoro couldn't help himself when he saw that jerk on Luffy. As soon as he lifted the man, he crashed into the wall. So much so that the man's head went through it. While Zoro took care of the others, Robin immediately went to Luffy. She took Luffy in her arms. The scumbag had managed to unzip before Zoro arrived. She closed the zipper immediately. Luckily she was wearing a jacket today. She quickly dressed Luffy as well. Then lifted Luffy and forced him to drink a little water. After all, this was settled, she stood up with Luffy in her arms. Zoro was still kicking the guys.

“Zoro!” “WHAT?!” “He needs us more! We need to go back! Hurry!”

Zoro kicked him one last time and went over to them. When he wanted to take Luffy in his arms, Robin wouldn't let him. Just as Zoro was about to shout at her:

“We will need protection on the way back. He's releasing too many pheromones!”

Zoro accepted her explanation. So they somehow managed to get back to where they were staying. Once inside, Robin asks Nami and Sanji to help her build a nest. Then she gave Luffy to Zoro. The poor boy was still unconscious. Chopper approached Zoro nervously. Zoro explained the events. Others were listening to him while was nesting. Sanji could swear his heart stopped for a second. Seeing his hands shaking, Nami took his hand and told him to rest a bit. Sanji reluctantly agreed. After Zoro told everything, Chopper immediately checked Luffy. Fortunately, those scumbags hadn't physically harmed Luffy. Psychologically, it was clear that he was in shock. So when the nest was ready, they immediately put him in the nest. Meanwhile, Chopper asked Nami and Zoro to slowly release the soothing pheromones. Luffy needed familiar alpha pheromones right now. Sanji couldn't control himself too and snuggled right next to Luffy in the nest. Luffy didn't wake up until evening. But at least he didn't sleep restlessly either.

Next

Previous 

Starting

[yourmidnightlover]

pain reliever

TW: descriptive talk abt period cramps ig?, talk abt cysts, mutual pining lol

Summary: in which spencer and Y/N love each other but refuse to tell each other. Y/N's having major period pain, the effect of a cyst, and spencer comes over to comfort her.

WC: 3,744

A/N - this one’s a bit of a rollercoaster. it has three different POV’s so just bear with me please!

masterlist

--------------------

don't get me wrong, working at the BAU is amazing and definitely has it's perks, but it also has several downsides too. one of those pesky little downsides includes the amount of time off we have.

meaning we don't have much downtime.

this was one of the rare occasions when we were able to have two weeks off, the result of a very strenuous case.

this time was so exciting, spencer and i planned to go out to a movie he'd been dying to see. nobody else wanted to go with him and were being absolute jerks about it, so i automatically stepped up to go with him.

i went to bed the night before we were supposed to go out after showering. i was actually excited to be able to spend some time with him.

i couldn't help but begin to have feelings for him soon after i joined the team. i mean, who would be able to resist those amazing curls, the sweet smile, kind spirit, not to even mention how smart he is.

he didn't know that, of course. and i planned for him to never know. i was able to keep it a secret for 5 and a half years, and i didn't plan on stopping that streak anytime soon. i didn't want to ruin the friendship i had with him by confessing my undying love for him only to confirm my fears of it being unrequited.

i woke up groaning, the effect of an intense pain on my neck, back, and uterus. I almost immediately knew what that meant, sadly.  

i ran to the bathroom, only to find my suspicions confirmed. my period has always been irregular but about a year ago, i started getting terrible cramps when it wasn't anywhere close to the time for my period.

i went to the doctor to find out a cyst had grown on my left ovary so i started taking birth control per my doctor's request. the only thing about the birth control i was on was that it made me sick when i was on the green pill, so i had to stop taking it.

not taking it meant my period was always a surprise. but hey... at least i wasn't pregnant i guess.

when i took the birth control, it also lessened the cramps. not taking it also brought them back. sometimes not even the extra strength mydol was able to subside the terrible cramps that would ripple throughout my body.

those cramps meant that i needed to cancel my plans with spencer. i could only hope he wouldn't take it as me not wanting to spend time with him.

although, i certainly didn't want him to see me like this.

i decided i would take a shower in attempt to wash the dirty feeling off of my body. I could just call him after i got out and tell him i have a bug or something.

i took my time washing myself, letting the hot water soothe my aching muscles. cysts normally only affect the uterus area and cause discomfort at most times, but it always becomes severely worse during that time of the month.

luckily, my doctors helped create an appointment for a procedure to remove the cyst. the only catch being that the appointment is still 6 months away.

i finished showering and wrapped a towel around my body before popping two mydol's in my mouth and swallowing. i grabbed my cell and quickly dialed spencer's name.

"Y/N! hi. what's up?" he asked sweetly. i could hear the excitement in his voice.

"hey, spence," i started, already feeling terrible for the sad news. "i won't be able to go out today. i really, really wish i could. i came down with something and don't think i'm well enough to go out. i'm so sorry," i murmured, already regretted having to cancel.

"oh... that's okay. are you alright? do you need me to take you to the doctor?" he asked all worried. i giggled softly.

"no, that's alright, spence. thank you though. i think i'm probably just gonna get some house work done in the meantime," i declared with a sigh.

"you're planning on cleaning when you're sick? another reason to never doubt the strength of a woman, i suppose," he quipped, another laugh erupting from my chest, this one being louder.

"that, spencer reid, is why you're my best friend," i said with a smile.

"that and the fact that you actually listen to my incessant babbling and rambles," he remarked.

"i actually happen to enjoy those rambles, doctor. don't sell yourself short," I demanded in a sweet tone.

"thank you, Y/N. you should get some rest. don't overexert yourself," he said sweetly. "in all the years i've known you you've only been sick a number of times, so i would imagine you really don't feel too well," he declared. "goodbye."

"goodbye, spencer. s-sorry again," I stammered out.

I hung up the phone before actually getting dressed in some proper underwear. I threw on some loose shorts and skipped putting a bra on, my boobs were really sore, opting for just throwing a tank top on.

i started with doing the dishes from last night. the medicine was kind of kicking in, not fully taking the stabbing pain away but lessening it enough to where it would be manageable.

once the dishes were done i started doing the laundry, taking breaks in-between loads. during the breaks i made sure to drink a lot of water to stay hydrated.

part of me was debating going to the store to pick up some dark chocolate, ice cream, kale chips, and some chinese, but i decided against it.

i'm sure if i went out i would immediately regret it and have the pain 10x worse, just because that's my luck. so, suffering alone it was.

once i finished all of the laundry, i sat down on the couch. i had been going for about three hours, and definitely felt the toll it was taking on my body.

i turned on FRIENDS and grabbed a heating pad from a bin in my living room. i placed the pad on my upper back and groaned at the heat.

before i knew it, i was dead asleep.

SPENCER'S POV

i didn't buy it.

she never gets sick, and when she does it's like she's dying. she doesn't laugh when she's sick, and her voice wasn't as nasally.

don't get me wrong, something was obviously wrong with her, but she wasn't sick sick. maybe another sick.

what else would cause her to cancel plans with me? she's never done that before.

although, there was one time where she mentioned her needing to go to the doctor for a consult about a cyst. maybe it was the cyst?

wait... her uterus. the cyst was on her uterus.

we were on a case a couple months back, and this unsub was hard to track down. when we managed to figure out where he was, she ended up having to chase him down. she had to run a mile for at least 7 minutes before actually getting him. he was only 25 and was an exercise fanatic.

after catching the guy and bringing him in she had a hard time hiding her discomfort. even at the station, abut an hour later, she was still grabbing her lower stomach in pain. when i asked her what was wrong she told me about the cyst and where it was.

although, the cyst never really affected her energy level since then. she was able to go out on cases and perform perfectly fine.

the only thing that it could've been would be her- ohhh!!

oh...

i should get her something. food. she loves food.

she's probably in a lot of pain right now because of that. she shouldn't have to handle that pain 24/7. she was so sweet, and caring, and generous, and loving, and undeserving of any sort of discomfort.

to be honest, i've had the largest crush on her since after she joined the BAU. who wouldn't?

she's such an amazing person. just being around her lightens my mood. not to mention her beauty. don't get me wrong, i absolutely love her mind and everything about her personality, but the beauty she beholds is beyond anything i've ever encountered. then again, maybe the feelings i have for her boost that beauty in my eyes.

it was that beauty that kept me quiet. why would someone with beauty as ethereal as hers even look at a guy like me? it's like she's not meant for this world. she's too good for this world.

i'm in too deep now to share my feelings. i would do anything to keep her light in my life, even if that meant keeping all my love for her bottled up.

my heart ached at the thought of her in pain that i can't help her subside. the least i could do is be there for her.

i quickly grabbed my keys- yes, that's right. i'm driving for her. what kind of man am i?- and headed out of my apartment.

i went to the grocery store and picked up some of her favorites, dark chocolate, mint chip ice cream, kale chips, and... chinese. she loves chinese, so surely that's what she's craving. if she doesn't want it i would gladly get her whatever it is she does want.

i would give her the entire world if i could.

after picking the items up, i made my way to her place and pulled her key out of my pocket after she didn't answer my knock the first couple times. We had both decided to give each other a copy of our keys for safety purposes, result of me becoming the designated driver after a girl's night out gone wrong.

long story short, all the girls left with someone, leaving Y/N stranded at a heavily populated bar. if the girls weren't drunk when they left then i know i would've scolded them for leaving her in such danger. hell, they were FBI agents and left a friend who wasn't in her right mind alone in the middle of the night.

the only reason i was able to pick her up was because she drunkingly called me, slurring her words together. that's a story for another time.

i held the bags in one hand and the chinese food under my arm while i unlocked the door and quitely walked in. i saw her laying down on the couch, looking so peaceful.

SECOND PERSON

spencer looked at you as you slept. he noticed the heating pad laying on your back as your face was partially smushed from the couch. he'd never seen anything so adorable.

he pushed a strand of hair out of your face as he gently tapped your shoulders to wake you. you squinted at him in confusion for a second before you finally spoke.

"spencer? wh-what're you doing here?" you questioned him in disbelief.

you had no idea why he was here. you had told him you couldn't go out, right?

"me being the amazing profiler i am figured out what was actually wrong," he gloated. "i brought your favorite snacks and came with chinese food. if you want something else i could always go back out and-"

"did you drive?" you squeaked.

"why wouldn't i? you're in pain right now, that's the least i could do to somehow help you," he gushed.

you felt tears pricking your eyes at his confession. how could someone be so selfless and kind as to put themselves though something they hate doing for you?

"hey-hey, what is it?" he worriedly questioned.

"i-it's just... th-that's so sweet, and nice, and you hate driving, and you're such an amazing person, and i don't deserve you," you sniffled out, the tears flowing past my eyes as you sat up on the couch to give him a place to sit.

He grabbed the heating pad that fell off your back and set it on the coffee table before wiping your tears. His arms wrapped around your shoulders as you lightly cried into his shirt for a few minutes before pulling back.

"sorry about your shirt," you whined.

"don't worry about it. and i truly think it's me who doesn't deserve you, Y/N," he said softly. "now, let's dig into the food. i'm actually hungry right now, i had to smell it the entire way here and it's been taunting me ever since," he said seriously, eliciting another laugh out of you. "oh! there she is! i love hearing your laugh," he smiled.

"oh, you're just saying that," you waved him off as he feigned offense with a loud gasp.

"are you accusing me of lying, Y/N? i'm terribly offended," he shot his hand over his heart in an attempt to mock pain as he groaned.

"i would never, spencie," you taunted with a smirk before getting an actual cramp.

your face contorted slightly in pain as you bent over in an attempt to ease the discomfort. it felt like someone was stabbing your entire lower stomach and punching you all at once. the pain and sudden movement made your head begin to throb intensely, so you didn't know where to put your hands. your stomach or head? you chose stomach.

spencer felt horrible as he watched you go through such pain.

"what hurts, Y/N/N? let me help you," spencer pleaded.

"head. really bad," you groaned.

he got behind you as his hands found your temples and began massaging them gently, being able to subside the pain pulsing in your head. while your stomach still hurt, the pain became bearable again, allowing you to sit up and face spencer. he saw that your eyes were full of tears once again and his arms flew around you.

he hated that you had to go through that... every month too? your pain tolerance has always been high, something spencer learned after you got shot in the thigh and didn't even shed a tear, so he knew the fact that tears were in your eyes had meant the pain had to be terrible.

"food?" he said softly, you nodded eagerly, still being wary of the headache.

he went into your kitchen and put away the ice cream, chocolate, and kale chips before getting the chinese. he grabbed you a water bottle from your fridge before exiting the kitchen and sitting beside you on the couch.

"why didn't you tell me they were this bad?" spencer wondered.

"i didn't want you to worry, or see me like this," you shrugged.

it was true, you hated anyone seeing you hurt or weak. you prided yourself on being tough and strong enough to withstand most things. the fact that a measly monthly period was breaking you hurt your ego more than you'd like to admit.

for spencer, he didn't care. the only thing he wanted to do was make sure you were okay and be there for you when you weren't. he was determined to help you through this time. it made him feel... important. he enjoyed caring for others as it gave him a sense of purpose.

"Y/N, i don't care what state you're in. i always enjoy seeing you. and i'm always here to help you. asking for help makes you stronger than you'd think," he soothed you.

one thing you loved about him was that he always had a way with words. he was able to make you feel safe in the most dangerous situations, calm in the most chaotic, comfortable in the most destitute, and all with words.

you ate your food rather quickly after realizing you hadn't eaten all day. you were unashamed of eating that much, too. you'd become so comfortable with him over the years that you didn't feel embarrassed over something as routine as eating as you normally would with others.

after spencer finished eating he insisted on cleaning up rather than you do it yourself.

and to think, you thought you couldn't fall deeper in love with the man and here you were, falling deeper the longer he stayed.

little did you know that spencer was already madly in love with you.

he came back and sat beside you gently, looking at you with the utmost adoration that you couldn't see since you were back to being doubled over in pain.

"let's get you laid down, hmm?" spencer suggested as he gently rubbed your back.

"mhmm," you agreed, sitting up far too quickly. your back shot out in pain as you tried to straighten out, bringing a groan to your lips and causing you to twist your torso in an attempt to avoid any more hurt. "i guess i can just stay here," you said, resuming the doubled-over position.

spencer wanted to cry himself seeing you so defeated. you were the most strong-willed person he knew and here you were, giving up on something. he wouldn't let that happen.

"you'll be more comfortable in the bed. i'll carry you since you can't get up, okay?" spencer suggested.

you hummed in defeat as he swiftly scooped you up, leaving your body folded up as you swung your arms around his neck. he laid you down on the bed gently as you groaned at your back stretching out.

"turn over on your stomach," spencer ordered.

"wh-what? why?" you wondered.

"you'll see when you do it, ms. stubborn-pants," he teased.

you groaned and flopped onto your stomach, reaching to cuddle the pillow your head was resting on. spencer secretly wished he was that pillow.

his hands fell onto your back, applying light pressure right between your shoulder blades.

"ohh, this is what you were gonna do," you hummed in content as his hands continued to work their magic. he gathered your hair and pulled it to the side as he worked his way up to your neck. "ugh that feels amazing, spence," you groaned.

spencer huffed a laugh at your enthusiasm, him being happy that he can subside some of your pain. if doing something as simple as giving you a massage made you happy, he was happy.

spencer worked his hands back down to your shoulders and worked out nearly every single knot on your back. you felt your breathing slow from the relaxation and didn't even realize how good of a distraction your hands on her body were. if only you could massage my boobs, you thought with a laugh.

"umm... what?" spencer questioned.

"hmm?" you questioned, suddenly realizing that you had said that out loud. "i didn't say anything," you said, your voice raising an octave as you spoke.

spencer knew what he had heard, but decided to drop it to make you more comfortable.

"right, sorry," he said with a smile. maybe you did have feelings for him.

he continued the massage and noticed you were asleep after about ten more minutes. He sighed as he watched your hair move with each breath you took. he relished in the fact that he helped you achieve something, that he was useful for something.

"god, i love you so much," he whispered. "i love you so much, i don't even think i could tell you how much i truly love you."

you were awake. you heard him. you heard every word. you were in that weird between stage when you weren't really asleep, but you weren't necessarily awake either.

"i love you too, spencer," you spoke.

spencer shot up at your words, realization hitting him as you stirred in what he assumed was your sleep. you rolled over onto your back and looked into his eyes.

"i love you so, so much, spence," you smiled, noticing the shocked look on his face.

"y-you do?" he babbled.

"of course i do. how could i not?" you quipped, noticing his utter nervousness.

"i-i can't believe it. you love me?"

"how many times do i have to say it? i love you, spencer reid. i love you," you said as the shocked expression on his face turned into one of pure happiness and joy.

"i love you, Y/N Y/L/N. i've loved you for so long..." he trailed off, bringing your body into his arms.

"and fyi, i mean the romantic way if you didn't catch that," you joked.

"good because that's exactly how i meant it," he said, pulling back to look at you once again. "ca-can i kiss you?" he asked as his hands were balanced on the back of your neck.

you nodded eagerly before his lips crashed into yours passionately as you placed your hands on his face. the feeling of his sharp jawline with his scruffy facial hair something you've been wanting to feel against your skin for far too long.

spencer tugged gently at your hair, bringing a soft moan to your lips, allowing his tongue to enter your mouth gingerly. he was immediately granted dominance as you allowed his tongue to travel into your mouth, investigating it thoroughly.

you were both in a state of euphoria as you delved into each other's presence in a new manner. both of you knew this discovery would change your relationship, but you had both gone through every scenario in your minds in the many years' past.

you finally pulled back at another sharp pain in your uterus.

"ouchhh," you grimaced.

"are you okay? what can i do?" he wondered eagerly.

"just cuddle with me?" you asked with pleading eyes.

"of course i can," he smiled.

he moved up to the headboard and laid his head on one of your pillows after getting underneath the covers. after he opened his arms, you rested your head on his chest and threw one arm over his torso, interlacing your legs underneath the sheets. he brought one arm around your waist as the other drew you closer across your shoulders. You nestled your head into his neck and inhaled his comforting scent.

"you smell good," you giggled.

"thank you," he laughed at your compliment.

"spencer?" you asked.

"yea, Y/N?"

"you're my pain reliever."

[mrslittletall]

For the writing prompt could ask for the 1 or 21 or 28 for Hollow Knight (maybe any of the 5 knights?) ?

Title: After the Dream ends Fandom: Hollow Knight Characters: Hornet, The Pure Vessel Word Count: 3.297 AO3-Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30159255

Summary: After the little Ghost has faced off with the angry god trapped inside of the Hollow Knight, Hornet is left with her broken mess of a sibling.

(Author's note: 1: “Please don't leave.” 21: Leaning against someone. 28: “You are gonna be fine.”

I am so sorry, but for some reason I read “for the Hollow Knight” instead of just “for Hollow Knight” and I noticed if FAR too late. Technically, THK is pretty close to the five great knights, so I hope you can still enjoy it.)

Hornet awoke from the grasps of her unconsciousness.

It wasn't a slow waking up, like waking up from a deep slumber, but a sudden one. For her, it felt like no time had passed at all. One moment she had been hurled into a wall, the next moment she was awake, groaning at the lingering pain in her head from the impact.

The next thing she noticed was the absence of any fighting noises. The last thing that Hornet had done to help the little Ghost, was pinning the Hollow Knight to the ground, giving them an opening. Right after that, her world had turned into darkness.

There was another thing that was absent as she took in the scene in front of her. The little Ghost was nowhere to be seen. All she could see was the infection that had stopped to pulsate and glow and seemed to slowly dry out. In the middle of it, she could see the Hollow Knight, bend over on the ground, their gaze directed towards the floor, their body shaking, their chest slowly heaving as they struggled to breathe properly.

Hornet didn't knew where the little Ghost could have gone, or if they even were still alive, but right at this moment, it didn't matter to her. She could search for them later. She needed to take care of the last family she had left, her older sibling, first.

Hornet rushed over to them and laid both of her arms on their shoulders. “Hey, are you alright?”, she asked. Not only a second later she wanted to slap herself for this question. She knew that the Hollow Knight couldn't speak, they wouldn't be able to answer her, and even if they would have been able to shake or nod their head at her, they were clearly not alright.

“What am I talking about, you are clearly not alright.”, Hornet spoke, maybe more to herself than to the Hollow Knight, because they didn't seem to have acknowledged her. Her gaze wandered over their body. The most noticeable thing was a whole arm missing, the stump that was left dropped flakes of the infection of the ground. Their chest didn't look much better, the infection had grown in large cysts there and they must have popped open, orange liquid running down the pitch black body of the Hollow Knight. There was a large crack on their mask, going directly through their left eye. The eyes that once glowed orange from the infection, now where black holes again, but the leftovers of the intruding liquid stained their mask like grotesque tears. It wasn't a nice picture to look at and that was only their physical state.

Hornet could barely fathom their mental state. They had been forced to lock away an angry god for... how long had it been? Hornet didn't have a sense of time anymore once the kingdom had fallen into some kind of stasis. It might even have been centuries... Hornet decided that a very long time was probably the most fitting description for the duration of their imprisonment.

So, they had been sealed away for a very long time, having to contain an angry god and... failed at that task. Hornet knew why. She had gotten all the ugly details, from him, before he had vanished. The Hollow Knight... hadn't been without a mind like intended, but had developed feelings and a will, and that had made them vulnerable for the infection. That was why it had leaked out.

Hornet looked into the dark eyes of the Hollow Knight. She remembered the time when they hadn't been half eaten by infection, when their mind that they shouldn't even possess in the first place hadn't been broken. She felt her heart tighten in her chest at the memories.

When she had been but a little grub and ran around the palace, finding them standing there, all regal, all stiff, all motionless. At first she had thought they were a statue and it had been a game to get them to react to her once she saw that they were, in fact, being able to move once her father had called them to his side.

The game had turned into something else once the Hollow Knight had started to react to her. Acknowledge her. They never had said a single word to her, now she knew that they had been made without a voice, but they had sat next to Hornet, listening to her blabbering about her day, having let her sit between her horns and sometimes they even had caressed her little head.

They had been her cherished older sibling and back then, Hornet hadn't understood why they had to go away, at the same time as her mother as well. She had felt so left alone, having lost her mother and her older sibling at the same time, with only her father being left and he... he hardly seemed to care about her.

Now that Hornet knew all the gritty details about their and her own origins, the tightness in her chest welled up into anger.

“You didn't deserve this.”, she spoke, cupping the mask of the Hollow Knight between her hands. “You sacrificed yourself for this doomed kingdom and nobody is even left to thank you for it.”

She felt herself shaking, clenching her fangs, only stopping when she noticed that the Hollow Knight in front of her was shaking even harder. What she had just said to them... had it evoked a reaction? Whatever it was, they clearly needed help.

“You are going to be alright.”, Hornet said. “I promise it. I won't ever let you rot away behind a sealed door, for a kingdom that has long gone. Can you walk?”

Hornet stepped away from the Hollow Knight and looked expectantly at them. They didn't act at first and Hornet had a hunch that she had to change her way of wording. They had been used to follow orders after all. They probably didn't know how to react when asked a question.

“Stand up.”, she ordered, hating how her voice sounded as she spoke out the command. The Hollow Knight winced and then slowly tried to get up on their feet, only to break down and nearly crack their mask open even more when their missing arm failed to completely catch them.

“Apparently not.”, Hornet said, stepping closer to them. “Here, lean on me. I'll help you out.”

Standing right in front of them, Hornet noticed how ridiculous her offer sounded. Even when they were kneeling on the floor, the Hollow Knight was taller than her. When they would stand up, they would be twice her size. Hornet always had disliked that her height was one of the properties she just had to inherit from her father.

Luckily, as a creature of Deepnest, and half spider, she was also strong and resilient. She gently guided the remaining arm of the Hollow Knight around her shoulder and supported them as best as she could with her small body. With her help, they managed to stand up and walk a few shaky steps.

“There's a hot spring deeper into the Forgotten Crossroads.”, she explained. “I will help you get there, to take care of your injuries and to get you cleaned up. The infection did a number on you, Ho...”

She interrupted herself, not speaking it out completely at first. It had been her nickname for them when she still had been a little grub. Their title had been far too long for her, so she normally had called them Hollow.

“Is it fine when I call you Hollow?”, she asked, feeling as if the Hollow Knight should have a say in their name. She felt a nudge on her shoulder and took it as cue that they are fine with it. “Hollow it is, then.”

Helping Hollow walk even to the exit of the temple proved to be a challenge. Not only because they were twice as tall as her, but also because they hadn't used their legs for such a long time. They more stumbled and fell and Hornet had to grit her fangs together when their hand clawed into her shoulder, putting far more weight on her that was comfortable. Still, she had to endure for her sibling.

Worse than the physical pain, was the silence between them. She knew that Hollow couldn't talk, being made without a voice. That made it all the more worse. They may have had so many things to say, but they were forced to be silent. They couldn't even tell her if they were in discomfort.

“If you are in pain or need a break, give me a sign and we'll stop right away.”, she said, hoping that Hollow would understand what she meant. She doubted a bit that they even knew that they were allowed to feel weak and being in pain. She asked herself how they felt right now... did they feel like a failure? They surely didn't look like they felt like a hero.

She should try and take their mind off stuff. Or fill it with stuff to think about, in case they tried to empty their mind, like they had been taught so long ago.

“Do you still remember me?”, she asked as they stepped through the exit. “It's me, Hornet, the daughter of Hallownest. The pale gift. The gendered child. You may not recognize me because I have grown quite a bit in the meantime. The last time we met I could sit between your horns with ease.”

Looking down at her and at Hollow's horns, Hornet had the feeling she still could sit between their horns. Hollow didn't look at her or made any acknowledgement of her words, they just continued to stumble along with her support.

“It's fine, you don't have to answer me. I know that you can't. I just want to talk to you.”, Hornet continued. “Just... I want to let you know that if you still try to empty your mind, you don't have to do it anymore. It's over. It's all over and we have been left with the pieces to pick back up.”

Where had that come from? Hollow was the last bug she should unload her baggage at.

“My apologies...”, she said. “The hot spring is further down, so I am afraid we have to walk quite a bit of a distance. At least now that the infection has dried up, nobody tries to attack us anymore.”

Hornet could see them. The bugs that had been freed. The lucky ones simply coughed up the dried out infection and stood up, confused, finding other bugs to share their confusion with, the unlucky... well, they laid as empty husks on the ground.

“The crossroads has been hit the hardest.”, Hornet told further, as she continued walking with her sibling in tow. “It looked horrible here. The infection was everywhere. This will be a mess to clean up for menderbug, if they are even still around.”

They probably would like it though. Menderbug always loved to fix and clean things.

“The whole of Hallownest was affected... and not only Hallownest, Deepnest as well... When I go back there... I don't even want to think about it... Technically I am their queen, but...”

She stopped when she felt that Hollow had started shivering again. Maybe, not clearly talking about the infection had been the wrong thing.

“My apologies...”, she said again. “But be assured, it isn't your fault. It was never your fault.”

The shivering didn't stop, only got slightly less worse and Hornet wanted to punch herself for her insensitivity. She had to find another topic or stop talking. She knew why she felt so awkward... she had spent an eternity alone. She had managed to talk to the little Ghost, showing herself to be aloof, but she had never expected an answer from them and just had left them alone one they had gotten the bits and pieces of information from her. Trying to hold casual smalltalk, with her traumatized and badly injured sibling nonetheless, proved to be difficult.

“Do you know that your sibling saved you?”, Hornet spoke, softly. “Not me, one of the others. I called them Ghost. They bested me in combat, twice, and they understood every hint that I threw at them. For such a small being, they were fierce and strong. They never backed down. They even went into the temple without hesitation. They saved you... and they saved Hallownest... um, what is left of it anyway. I wish you could have met them... under brighter circumstances.”

Speaking about them made Hornet feel melancholic. She should go back to the Black Egg Temple later and see if she could find any trace of them. If... if they had died back there, then they would deserve a proper resting place and if not... well then at least Hornet would have an easier state of mind knowing that they just had decided to leave this place.

Hollow buckled a bit next to her and Hornet stopped immediately. “Are you alright? Are you in pain? Do you need a break?”

They stayed bent over for a couple of seconds before grabbing back onto her shoulder and continuing walking or more specifically, letting themselves get dragged by Hornet.

“The hot spring isn't far away now, hang in there.”, she said. She was just glad that the bugs that had awoken from the infection were too confused to really notice her and the few that did, quickly scurried away when they saw a predator and the hulking figure behind her.

Hornet filled the rest of the way with silly anecdotes from their time together in the White Palace, talking about how they had played with each other and how sad she had been every time that Hollow had to leave to stand at their father's side. She could feel Hollow's hand clawing into her shoulder each time she mentioned their shared father. How their stance about him was for Hollow, was unclear for Hornet. In their case, she would probably hate his guts. She did and she hadn't been tormented for an eternity in the temple of the black egg. She would never be able to forgive him for leaving his kingdom – and her – alone when they most had needed him.

They finally reached the Hot Spring and Hornet helped Hollow sink into the hot water, rubbing her shoulder. Practically dragging their big frame over there, had been a strain on her body.

Once they sat comfortably into the hot spring, Hornet looked them over. The soul infused water of the hot spring would help them get some strength back, but she could see that the crack on their mask wasn't closing up in the slightest. The water also couldn't heal their void body, as their lost arm didn't regrow. Thinking about it, Hornet was pretty sure that the hot spring couldn't regrow limbs at all, but also the scar around the nub didn't seem to close.

“I guess all we can do is clean out the dried up infection.”, Hornet said, as she sat down on the edge, only dipping her feet in the water, and produced a bit of silk which she weaved into a washcloth. Then, she gently cleaned up the wounds on their body of void, with Hollow wincing a tiny bit whenever she pressed too tight, but mostly the infection just flaked off and slightly tinted the water orange, leaving horrible scarred tissue visible on Hollow's body.

“I can't repair your body that is made of void.”, Hornet said. “That was something he never taught me. I can only bandage your wounds and we can hope that it will heal itself.”

Was Void able to heal? The vessels were basically a shade bound by the mask on their head. She had seen their more feral form, the unleashed shade that would lash out at anyone that came to close. If it originated from a primal instinct or from suppressed feelings, she didn't know.

Hornet helped Hollow out of the hot spring and sat down with them on the bench. There, she produced more silk and used it to bandage every wound she could find on Hollow's body. She weaved the silk around the scarred tissue on their chest, around the nub of their missing arm and the shoulder and even around the crack on their head. The wound would likely not heal completely, but she could at least prevent it getting worse.

With Hollow sitting on the bench next to her, she took another more thorough look at them. The way they sat, with their head lung low, their breathing heavy, they looked so broken and so weak. It was clear for Hornet that the spring water wasn't enough to sustain them. After an eternity on a diet of only soul, fed to them via the chains they had been sealed with, they needed some proper food.

“I'll be right back, Hollow.”, Hornet said as she hopped from the bench, readying her needle, ready to find some prey for them, but before she could take even one step, she felt how they tugged on her cloak.

Hornet turned around and saw Hollow looking at them. “What is it?”, she asked and upon remembering that they wouldn't be able to answer, she specified her question. “Are you in pain?”

Hollow shook their head and looked at her again and even though they weren't able to change the ever same stoic expression on their face, Hornet understood what they tried to tell her.

Please don't leave.

“I won't be away for long, I just need to get some food. You sorely need it.”, Hornet said and turned around again, only stopping when she felt a nudge on her cloak. She glanced back and saw Hollow on their knees on the ground, their arm grabbed around the tip of her cloak and they were shaking.

In an instant, Hornet felt a deep guilt settle itself into her chest. Her intentions had really been to only get some food and come right back, but when she saw Hollow like this, she understood the implications. Why they didn't want for her to leave.

The last time that Hollow had been left alone, they had been imprisoned with an angry god who did its best to torment them, both mentally and physically. For Hollow, who had been without comfort for so long, her leaving to get some food must feel the same as her dying and never coming back.

“On second thought, we can get some food for you later.”, Hornet said and helped Hollow up, once again groaning under their weight and height, to help them back to the bench. There, she sat herself next to them. They were still shivering, but they looked a lot calmer.

“My apologies, that I wanted to leave.”, she said, coming a bit closer, unsure if they wanted physical contact, but once she had initiated it, Hollow practically cuddled against her.

“I eventually will have to get up to get some food. We can't stay here forever.”, Hornet said, caressing their leg, one of the few spots on their body that weren't too injured or scarred. “But I promise you, I will never leave when you aren't fine with it. For now, take your time and heal. Both your body... and your mind.”

She took a deep breath and then said: “It will take some time, but you are going to be fine. I promise it.”