#i dont even think ill have that much success at this one but maybe i will

[hardrockshrimp]

Waitlisted for an art market yet again...

[kroosluvr]

royal trio tennis au sketches and notes and stuff YAYYY YAY

EDIT ALSO I HOPE EVEYRONE LIKES THE SIGNATURES I CAME UP FOR THEM IN 2 SECONDS ON THE LAST SLIDE

(for clarification there r actually 2 persona tennis aus housed in my head

1) this one where royal trio are pro players striving to become intl stars

2) like a persona q3 thing where everyone plays team tennis @ their respective clubs/schools and its fun and awesome)

more notes under the cut

these r gonna be stream of consciousness bear w me ill keep it short bc imlazy

goro is born into the sport bc shido is like an intl tennis superstar but as with canon he dgaf about goro at all. his mom is dead too. etc. he probably never sees his dad except on tv and hes probably tossed around various boarding schools/tennis camps/etc so goro strives to become even BETTER of a player than his dad so 1) shido looks at him and acknowledges him and respects him 2) he can SURPASS him. thats his entire goal. anyway he prob shoulders huge expectations like oh thats ur dad so u must be a good player right and then those expectations he inflcits on himself.

sumire picks up tennis maybe around age 9-10 or so, when before that she did rhythmic gymnastics with kasumi. but even from an early age she was discontented by how Good kasumi was, almost intrinsically, and she had a gut feeling that made her switch tracks to tennis - also a sort of independent sport where SHE HERSELF can succeed on the court, without needing to depend on others. yet she still feels pressured by kasumi's success which gets in her way a lot. she feels determined to carve a name for herself bc THIS is the path she chose, so she better fucking make it count. those expectations on herself weigh heavily as well. in addition i think her parents literally dont gaf like if she becomes an intl superstar (not maliciously they just genuinely want sumire to be happy and dont demand success of her) but she kinda is like "wow they dont expect anything of me because im bad at it? then ill just have to become AMAZING so theyll have to be astounded" kinda thing

meanwhile akira was always a sporty/athletic kid, he doesnt have much attn from his parents so hes just doing whatever. soccer baseball basketball the works. but he picks up tennis at maybe age 13 and hes GOOD. so he immediately gets like scouted and Trained and he like improves in record time. hes real chill and relaxed about it though because he never Needed tennis the way sumire and goro do. hes just out here for fun and games literally. if he wins he wins - but the thing is, akira kurusu hates losing. thats the thing that propels him to the top.

shujin academy is still the same private school we know but they also house a tennis academy known as the shujin tennis academy yeah yeahyaeeayhah and they just train the coolest of players and the royal trio r their pride and joy etc

cont'd here

[the-s1lly-corner]

TADC cast x supportive!reader (platonic)

except its hyper specific and applies to my oc specifically because i need a little pick me up today reader is like the circus members anchor as well as a generally serving as a support system and has been in the circus for a while. havent decided on how long but definitely getting close to kinger in terms of how long theyve been stuck. kind of gives off dad energy have not shared the oc here on this blog but i have shared them elsewhere, wont say where because im embarrassed </3 this was originally gonna be a ship chart dynamic but im too tired to draw everyone plus this feels more fun using 'you/your' pronouns for the reader even though its an oc so you guys can at least like, insert yourself REMINDER requests are closed, this is a personal request from myself. any requests sent now will not be answered even after they reopen. please respect that and understand that requests are closed

CAINE:

saved caine for last (yes i know hes the first one in the list hush i dont actually write these in order) i think you and him would have friendly back and forth banter. youve accepted your place in the digital circus long ago so you dont see much point in trying to interrogate him for information on a possible exit. and sure, i dont know if caine can abstract, but i think he enjoys the conversations between the two of you... that said, given how accepting you are with everything as well as having a "roll with it" outlook on the digital world, he probably uses you as plot stuff and props for IHA; be it as a false hostage or as a means to progress the adventure... definitely has a soft spot for you, i think... jax and bubble have a dark bet on when you will finally abstract/j

RAGATHA:

ah yes the optimistic duo, the hopeful pals, the sillies. you two are probably the main reason why everyone else is... mostly... fine, i mean i think having someone be so friendly and open cane make things a little easier for other people. as well as this you two mutually lean on each other for support and uplift one another when things get tough. i mention it in kingers part, but you too are also afraid of bugs but you would help ragatha clear her room of centipedes in a heartbeat, even going as far as to collect them with your bare hands.. so uh... take that as a testament to yalls friendship

JAX:

now im a little stumped on this one because i really dont think the "reader" would be buddy buddy with jax... or maybe they would be... hmm.. on one hand i can see them scolding him for pushing his pranks 'too far' (ex. the ragatha centipede thing, assuming he actually did it), but i can also see a "supportive figure and rebellious kid" dynamic. except jax isnt a kid but you are old enough be his dad, probably.. i think ill just leave that here since i dont have any other ideas

POMNI:

youve been here for a while, so i think naturally pomni would gravitate towards you in order for possible solutions and escape routes, perhaps she would approach kinger, too... but this isnt about kinger </3. fine line between outright shattering their hope but also instilling it, neither are great options... one can lead to despair and the other to obsession; both will lead to abstraction... but theres also the fact none of your past attempts at escape had been successful, nor did you ever find any leads. as for actual potential friendship i think you would take the same route as ragatha in the pilot; show her around and explain things to her in a fairly digestible way. as well as this you tend to gravitate towards her during her first IHA until she gets the hang of them; typically making sure she doesnt get lost or hurt, as well as giving her pointers that could help with the task at hand

KINGER:

writing kinger first, you guys are like the dads of the circus. you more so because you still have a decent hold of yourself. you were there when queener/queenie abstracted, and you were there for kinger during the still on going grieving process. as for actually friendship ideas, you two just sit and talk to one another. thats it, really. i could go on about all the things you two do together, and i probably would since kinger is my favorite and this post is literally about my oc... but i truly dont see these two getting up to anything insane outside of IHA. kinger needs someone to help him fill the silence, and you would be there. and vice versa, i think... bonus, you dont like bugs but you still grin and bare it while listening to kinger rattle on about his cool bug facts... i think that would be nice..

ZOOBLE:

optimistic dad who likes fishing and moody teen who bullies kids on roblox. thats literally the dynamic, except again, zooble is an adult and the reader has no kids... but hey its the same energy. tries to get zooble to engage with IHA but not in a pushy way but more in like... an inviting them to pair with them for comfort and security kind of way. sure you understand that they dont like them because theyre just so over everything but you want them to be included, especially since the IHA are meant to stimulate your minds and keep you guys grounded

GANGLE:

honestly i think you just adopt half of the cast at this point, the only people who arent your kids are ragatha caine and kinger... everyone else gets passed around in split custody/j now onto gangle, you probably try to give her peptalks to make her feel better as well as fixing her comedy mask anytime it breaks. as well as this i think you and her sit down and do arts n crafts together, perhaps even making new masks altogether... i like to think gangle hears a few... things about the others and knows things since shes so quiet and in the background so theres definitely some 'gossip' between the two of you... but not in a shit talking way, no i dont think either of you are like that, rather more so just talking about the others

BONUS STUFF:

you call gangle, zooble, jax, and pomni generic 'dad nicknames' so like. think sport, champ, bud, pal. stuff like that, with varying reactions... i think gangle wouldnt fight it and actually appreciates it. zooble scoffs and rolls their eyes, jax plays into it while loudly and obnoxiously calling you dad. (whenever you ask him to do something he loudly goes like "okay DAAAAAAD" before likely not doing the thing that was asked of him), pomni is just confused really since shes not all that used to it. huh. guess youre a dad of 4 now

you and ragatha tend to clean up after the others, leaving you two alone and you guys just. talk as you clean. probably do impressions of the others in a really comical and dramatic as well as exchanging stories

you and kinger hunt for new pillows to add to his fort. you try to coax him into stepping out of the tent and explore the grounds, so far you're unsuccessful

touching on the gossip thing from gangles part caine probably tries to ask you for some "juicy drama" about the others. who is having issues with her, whos crushing on who, stuff like that... i think caine would try to play matchmaker if there actually is someone who has a crush on someone else... this goes for the current cast as well as those who have come and gone from the digital circus (cough cough abstracted)

[eatmeandbirthmeagain]

hello! a little fic request I’ve been thinking on, not pressuring you to write it or anything, just wanted to share.

the y/n is a hot tempered foreign princess who got married to Baldwin when they were both children. she’s very energetic, straightforward, man-like in her character, but has to adapt to fit in the court of Jerusalem and also to „suit” her husband’s calm manner and the fact that he’s ill doesn’t help.

she’s unhappy about it; maybe even tears a little during the wedding, but doesn’t let anyone to think she may be vulnerable (mostly because she understand that that can be used against her in the future after Baldwin dies). but over the time she finds herself drawn to Baldwin because, well, unlike her teachers, he lets her study and play chess with him. he cares about her desires and interests. he also respects her, not just like a woman but as a friend, and a clever one. maybe some of her advice on the politics is used by him at some point (which would be absolutely unrealistic, but really, we’re talking historical romance with a leper king here…). a cute detail would be him gifting her a weapon of some sort to protect herself because he knows how she doesn’t like being treated like she’s helpless. bonus points if he says something romantic and or pathos’y about it.

did I write this whole oc story as a multiple chapter fanfiction in my head? yes, I did. am I going to finish it? absolutely no. but I’d love to read your interpretation!

♧ "Princess" - King Baldwin x Reader ♧

♧ Angst ♧

A/N: Hello Anon! So sorry for taking so long to write this, ive had so many requests. I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind but it was my interpretation and I hope you like it! I dont really like how it turned out as your request had so much detail and my writing does that no justice, but I hope its okay ☺️! As always, this is based on the film Kingdom Of Heaven, not the real historical figgures. This is also set pre-film. Enjoy!

TW: Leprosy

At thirteen years old, marriage was the last thing on young y/n’s mind. But yet, here she was. Soon to arrive in the city of Jerusalem, to be wed to a boy she had only ever met a handful of times.

Baldwin the fourth. The leper, who's mother just so happend to be ready to find him a wife at the same time her father was ready to find her a husband.

She sat in silence for the entire journey, this was uncommon for her. She usually always had something interesting to say or something to observe with curiosity. But as per request by her father, from now on she “had to act like a proper lady. No more of this ridiculous 'masculine' behavior”.

“You will be wed to a king y/n” he had told her. “You must stop acting the way you do. No king will be allowed such behavior from his wife”. 

Her attempt to keep to herself for the journey had been successful so far. She remained silent and still. Just as her mother taught her. “Just how a lady should be”. 

As the city came into view, y/n felt tears begin to burn her eyes. She would never again be allowed to explore the wilderness on her fathers land, or read every book she was allowed to have from the library. She surrendered herself to a life of boredom and suppression. 

Once exiting the carriage, she was greeted by the royal officials as well as the king's mother.

“I am so pleased to finally meet you young lady" she greeted her with a smile "you shall make a fine wife for my son” . Y/n thanked her and was ushered off quickly to prepare her for the hour of the wedding.

Y/n held back tears as servants worked busily around the room. Dressing her in beautiful garments, jewelry, and makeup. She was distraught. But she dare not cry. They could not see her so weak.

----------------------

The events proceeded and y/n barely even looked at the boy she was marrying. She could not bring herself to make eye contact with the man who would rule her life forever.

They told her to smile. “No man wants to see a lady disappointed on her wedding day” the king's mother had told her before they entered the church.

Baldwin himself was nervous about this day but just enthusiastic. Unlike y/n, he was looking forward to being wed to a young woman. He did not want just a wife to serve him, but a companion too. Someone who he could speak to about all kinds of things. Someone who would love him as much as he loved them. When he saw her, she looked beautiful, but sad. Very sad.

He hoped she was not sad about marrying him. Perhaps his illness deterred her from wanting to even be near him.

But she was still beautiful. She was 14, just like him. He could not take his eyes off her. He had met her a few times before, and she interested him deeply, even though they barely spoke. He more so just watched her play and talk with the other young people from his bedroom chamber window, longing to join them if it was not for his illness.

She played more with the young boys than she did with the girls. Always full of energy and life, always talking and laughing. But now, she looked different. As if the light had been drained from her. 

--------------------

When the wedding was over, the young king and queen got acquainted in the boy's chambers. She still seemed very quiet and unsure about his presence.

“Are you alright?” He asked her the second they were alone. “Yes your highness” she replied in a small voice, very different to the excitable tone she used to have. She sighed and lowered herself onto the small couch, turning away from him to look at her hands.

Baldwin thought for a moment, but then remembered that his mother requested he chose a wedding gift to present her after the affairs.

“I have a gift for you,” he said happily, lightening the mood.

He noticed her eyes light up a little at the comment. “You do?”

“Yes, would you like to see it?”

Y/n nodded excitedly, a smile forming on her face for the first time all day. The boy stood and disappeared behind the red, satin curtains that covered the large windows. He returned a few seconds later with something behind his back and a wide smile.

"I had to hide it, so my mother did not see what I chose for you" he explained. This peeked y/n's intrest greatly.

“Alright, close your eyes, '' he told her, the smile still plastered to his face. Y/n shut her eyes with anticipation. When he told her to open her eyes, she was lost for words. In the young king's bandaged hands, he held a shining silver sword with a pale pink ribbon tied around the handle.

Her eyes widened and stared at the sword for a long time before taking it in her hands to admire it. “Do you like it?” he asked, cautiously, hoping he had not offended her.

“Baldwin.. I love it!!” she exclaimed with a grin, jumping to her feet and wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him into a tight hug. The smile returned to his face and he put his arms around her waist.

“Now you can defend yourself my love. No wife of mine will be left vulnerable, even if there are men to protect her. She will defend herself, because she is strong.” His words filled the queen with happiness and hope. Perhaps her father was wrong after all and she could remain as herself. At least in the presence of her husband. 

-------------------

From that day on, they were inseparable. Unlike y/n’s tutors and parents, he allowed her access to his entire private library so they could study and read together. He allowed her time to herself, so she could do the things she loved without anybody telling her how to behave.

He quite often went as far as to seek her out for advice on political issues, not allowing her straightforward intelligence to go to waste.

Overtime, y/n became used to her duties as queen, but as much as she learnt to fit the role, she treasured her time alone with Baldwin. He cared about her interests, her desires. He respected her, more than anyone else ever had. They played chess together as well, each game being a delightful battle of the mind.

He saw her as not just a wife, but as a companion and an intelligent one at that. And for this, she would be forever greatful.

[mehilaiselokuva]

Interviewing a beginner Finnish learner

A bit of a different post for today! I have been working with a friend who has started self-learning Finnish. Maybe you can gain some inpiration or tips from this interview we conducted! I have added extra commentary bits to some parts, marked with "C".

PREFACE

Interviewer: Me

Interviewee: @nuniante

Been learning Finnish for: half a month

Previous knowledge of the language: none

1. How long have you studied finnish actively?

A) ive been studying for just about half a month

2. What is your study routine like? do you study daily?

A) i try to write notes everyday about grammar concepts i think will help me advance at my current level (so far really basic stuff). i try but dont study daily. i also use duolingo to learn basic expressions/vocab and try to immerse myself in finnish through making some of the apps on my phone in finnish.

C) He tends to write at least one sentence in Finnish a day in our groupchat to the best of his abilities and will ask if he doesn't know a word. I feel like that's a very good way to learn when you are learning a specific dialect like he is.

3. What kinds of notes do you take? what do you write down? do you always write things down or just memorize things without writing?

A) my notes are basic. i write in the exceptions but i dont really go into detail sometimes. i might skip over something mentioned in the lesson or material im using if i think that a concept they bring up is inferrable. for vocab i try to memorize words i learn because i know so few that theres not much point to writing anything down. i think when ill reach a more advanced level ill start to write down more

C) I think that this approach is great, finding things you know you'll use and learning those first is useful!

4. What was your initial plan when studying? what things did you study in what order?

A) my initial plan for studying was trying to learn the basics and formal language to help me in learning colloquial speech, which i planned to learn from a friend (im talking about you juho). so far ive studied the basic cases + declensions, basic verbs conjugations, demonstratives and conjunctions and im rn learning about the numbers and the plural forms of nouns. i plan to take a break from grammar and learn vocab next.

C) Remember that all this is just half a month in! I think learning grammar before vocab is very good! You'll start picking up core words while doing that and of you perfect those grammar points early on, you will find speaking and writing easier fast.

5. What is your goal?

A) i dont really have a goal, but i think that if i could hold up a real conversation in finnish id feel successful.

6. What has been the most difficult + easiest?

A) i think the hardest thing so far has been consonant gradation or numbers. gradation can feel irrational, what with weird sound changes (eg. k > v) and also how you cant really predict what grade a noun/verb should be in depending off its form. easiest might be vowel harmony. you can decide harmony just by feeling what sounds better.

C) For once, a learner has not only learned vowel harmony but has no mistakes using it and will not forget that it's there. If you are more than half a year in learning and you still cannot remember to apply vowel harmony accordingly, you need to make it your priority ASAP.

7. How would you rate your current finnish level (speaking, writing, reading)

A) id say theyre all low. reading is probably my highest because i dont really consume finnish any other way. juho said my finnish accent is ok so i think that makes speech second. i havent listened to finnish yet so i cant even tell.

C) This person writes and speaks better Finnish than some people who have been learning the language for like three years! He is very careful with congruence which many learners don't consider very much. This means that he is eliminating most of the beginner mistakes very early on

8. Additional comments.

A) i like saying hyvää yötä

C) I like that our groupchat has started using Finnish and picking up words like "joo" and "sama asia" since we speak the language now. I consider it very admirable that this person has not only started writing Finnish early on, but he is learning kirjakieli, puhekieli AND a dialect all the same time!

Feel free to use this as motivation or inspiration! I recommend finding a learning style that fits you, so remember that what worked for this person might not work for you! I could make this a series honestly, are any of you interested in participating?

[dangerousbride]

what are your thoughts on separate ways? i mean i am a little upset idk why but i read comments about how they are making Ada and Leon not canon this makes me feel ill lmaaaooo I dont think capcom would be that dumb right? Ada x Leon is the only couple I care on this game

My beloved anon please don't feel ill, I know reading so many negative comments can be very stressful but nothing has changed at all. First of all, Ada x Leon never really got to become canon in the og timeline. If it's about killing the ship, then Capcom's been silently killing both Ada and Aeon the moment they chose to never continue Leon and Ada's story after RE6 until this day, making 0 mention of Ada in the cgi movies they've made after that game either. If anything, the remakes brought Ada and Aeon back to life again. Do you think they'd have ever considered including Ada in RE8 if it wasn't because RE2R was a success?

Second, I don't see why there's so much surprise and disappointment that the new SW isn't similar to the og. Remake Ada was already different from the original so the DLC has to make sense with RE4r and RE2r, which it did. And speaking of the way both RE4/SW end, I love how in the new one Ada does not point a gun to Leon's head to retrieve the amber, asks him if he wants to go with her and disobeys Wesker's orders right in front of our eyes (bonus points for the fact they included the "one more kiss" ost, and for the way Leon looks at the keychain and says "cute"). Beauty's in the little details lmao And third, we could've had a DLC full of Aeon, and still it'd be worth nothing if in ten years from now the people in charge of remaking re6 suddenly chose they don't like it anymore, you know? so it's better to start praying the opposite happens. If there's something I've learn from shipping is that having the upper hand during the first half (and even longer) of the story secures nothing, so maybe it for the best that stuff seems more toned down this time.

[trash-can-sam]

Ive finally made a sandrock OC (KIND OF) I havent just stolen the design of and put somewhere else. and I really want to talk about her. So here she is.

I wanted to give some lore to this character Qi mentions 3 times

AND now shes in my brain, so Ill say some things about her:

She wanted to be a biologist but ended up going into the same type of research job Qi's in because it paid more

Qi and Bugs went to college together and ended up working pretty closely on a few projects, maybe even had internships/jobs at the same place for a while before Qi moved to Sandrock.

She got the nickname Bugs because she would always pick up random bugs in elementry school and the name just kind of stuck. She prefers it to her actual name (which I have not thought of yet because names are hard)

Qi says that they are rivals, but I dont think thats actually true given how much they talk. I think its a lot more like a one sided rivalry where Qi has decided shes his rival and she just kinda plays along because its fun, but theyre actually just friends (not that Qi would admit that, but Bugs refers to and thinks of him as a friend)

Although she still works in Vega 5, she doesnt particularly love it there. To her, she just has nowhere else to go and the pay and lifestyle of Vega 5 is too much to resist, especially for someone wihtout that many goals.

Qi managed to get her into Gungham and so they have amazing conversations that only come from ADHD-Autism friendships where both people have the same hyperfixation. (I speak from experience when I say its the best thing)

She visits sandrock sometimes because she doesnt know where else to go when she has stacked up vacation days.

She gets very annoyed whenever people dont know what they're talking about, hence her friendship with Qi not really being an issue, because both of them are like this and they both thrive off of each others intellectual energy.

ALSO. Some things about her personal relationships to people in Sandrock:

Her and Grace are dating, mostly because I want Grace to have a girlfriend so bad (I am so starved for sapphic relationships you dont understand). They have been rotating in my brain SO MUCH, so I'll talk about them. This is largely because it would be SO FUNNY.

Their relationship started because Bugs would regularly visit Sandrock, so she would see Grace a lot. Since the Blue Moon Saloon isnt really that busy, they would talk to eachother quite a bit. After a few trips of both of them talking, Bugs decides it would be funny to mess with Qi whenever her and Qi eat dinner later that night, and she thinks the funniest way to do that is by Grace hitting on her at this dinner. Make it real awkward for Qi. I plan on making a comic for this actually SO we will see if it actually gets done. If it does it will be so funny you dont even know (it definetly will not be thats the brainrot talking.)

After that, they meet up outside the Blue Moon Saloon to toast to their success of making Qi extremely confused, they walk around sandrock and sit at the oasis a while. Nothing happens that night, but they both come away from it as deeper friends and a little crush. Not in like, a way that is that noticable, or a way either of them intend on pursuing, but a way that definelty exists. Neither of them are stupid, and both of them tend to do a good amount of introspection, so they both pick up on this and it changes the dynamic a little, but in a good way.

As time goes on, Bugs makes more and more visits to Sandrock, to see Qi of course, but the reason increasingly becomes to see Grace as well. They both flirt with eachother a bit here and there, until Grace asks her out on a date and it ends up becoming a thing. Still thinking of details there BUT! They will be thought of, dont worry.

NOW, For what this relationship means for them both and their similarities and a couple differences:

For both of them, this is the first romantic relationship they have had that really feels like the other person can keep up with them. Both of them are super smart, and they both sort of have unfollowed dreams.

They are also both workaholics discontent with the circumstances they're in, and I feel like they bond a lot over that.

BOTH OF THEM ARE VERY SILLY. Grace, especially if youre dating her, uses a lot of very silly language. Like whenever youre dating, her greeting is "Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin?" She has many many silly lines and I would reccomend reading her dialogue page if you havent already read it all the way through like 3 times. Bottom line is, shes goofy. And Bugs is also goofy. Not in exactly the same way, but like she calls Qi a chatty cathy, thats goofy. AND SOMETHING GRACE WOULD DO IF HER AND QI WERE FRIENDS IN THAT WAY. They would be a very annoying couple and I find that extremely funny especially in the context of them spending a good amount of time with Qi, who probably doesnt pick up on it half the time.

Both of them are the type to distract from their inner turmoil with humor. If you have gone on a playdate with grace or read her entire dialogue page, you would know she does this a non-zero amount of times, quite commonly in fact. Bugs does the same type of thing, but she does tend to talk a lot less than Grace.

Bugs is an introvert unlike Grace, but she can read people surprisingly well. Not anywhere near as well as Grace, of course, but still pretty well.

Both have jobs that end up with them being relatively isolated from personal connections. For Bugs, shes working in a team with a lot of people she doesnt really like, for Grace, she has to keep quiet about her job for the most part. This leads to them having an interesting dynamic in which both of them dont really know how to navigate personal, unguarded relationships super well. Bugs hasnt had any close friends in a long time, and Grace cant turn off her agent brain, oftentimes getting a lot more from Bugs than Bugs would want her to. I have a real thing for relationships where one person is quite guarded and the other person can read them super well, and Bugs and Grace fit this dynamic very well in both directions. Bugs tends to read Grace more than she expects too, not by a crazy amount or anything, but she does catch Grace offguard occasionally, just because Grace tends to drop it more often without realizing it around Bugs.

They have the same sort of (aspiring) archeolegist and researcher dynamic Grace and Qi have (That I touched on here) but romantic so. I think thats fun personally, because its a cool sort of combining of forces. It also hits a bit different from Grace's and Qi's simply because Bugs is a lot more like Grace personality wise.

A couple other relationships in sandrock:

Her and Zeke get along. She visits Zeke sometimes, because of her interest in biology. And I just think they would get along. Not just because she likes plants but I also think she would appricate how Zeke is very knowlegable on what he does as well as desert farming in general.

She doesnt like the church very much (for the innate ideological differences that come with being a researcher), but she still has a laugh with Dan-Bi occasionally.

I like the idea of her getting along with Fang a bit. I think she has at least looked at some of what she uses to make medicine and is like "oh wow thats genius!"

I think she would have a very fun time messing with Yan (because Yan is literally so funny idc what anyone else says I love him so much) I dont think she would like him, but I think she would have fun talking to him every now and then just to prod him (which Yan ofc doesnt notice) for goofs.

I love the idea of her getting along with Unsuur. I cannot explain why. But I think they would be drinking buddies.

Some design notes and how she dresses when shes not in a lab coat:

I had to give her a long lab coat because thats a demographic severely underepresented in sandrock

Her shirt color is pretty similar to Qi's undershirt, it just felt like it fit. Its also half untucked like Qi's, but Bugs does it because she thinks it looks good while Qi does it because hes tired. I dont really know how to draw that sort of distinction, but just know that its there.

Her belt buckle is gold while Qis is silver

Her hairtie is dark blue, Qis tie is light blue. Theres not a whole lot to that I just thought it was neat personally.

Her fashion sense tends to be pretty casual, usually hoodies and shorts while shes in her apartment and pretty normal streetwear outside of it. I dont think that she wears as many belts as the average Sandrock or Portia citizen. Since we havent been to Vega 5, I cant say for sure what the normal fashion sense is like, but based off of Qi and Petra, who are more like the average Vega 5er, and what is known about the culture, I assume regular dress tends to be more busniess casual-formal. I dont count Merlin, who was so eccentric she got kicked out of Vega 5, Or Mint, who seems overly casual, in this assesment. However, Bugs dresses in whatever is slightly more casual than the normal Vega 5 streetwear. Not as casual as Mint, but definetly not formal. She's kind of done with Vega 5's general busniess culture, not done enough to leave, but done enough that she doesnt really care what she wears off the clock if that makes sense.

That is all for my unhinged ramblings. I have a lot of ideas about her and maybe I will actually do something with those, so I thought I should introduce her.

[tarotdeana]

do idols generally not feel like theres a lack of actual talent and skills even older idols have got away with not fully being able to sing live stabilly and well enough, obviously there is some talent with some idols however it is largely about how they look and act maybe thats also backfiring on the agencies because they have some criteria but they never seem to prioritise the right ones.

if i was a trainee id have quit long ago and its like they lure kids in never nuture them properly give them some sort of traumatic experiences maybe even going to the lengths of sabotaging someones potential ie: the false school bullying rumors obvi some can be bullies however a lot of it seems to be about how much harm can someone else do to outdo another idol or group. its seems like a toxic hellhole over there but also idols in general seem to have even weaker mindsets of lack or scarcity like theyre not doing enough until they overwork themselves and pass out on stage because they personally dont eat right nor look after themselves its 50/50 but i do think the idols eventually have to be responsible for what they instill in their own minds and how normalised it is for them to kinda show the genuinely harmful things that they do to their fans ie: dieting.

so my next question is do idols feel that some pressure comes from themselves, their agency or their fans? cause other fans seem to blame other fans and so on but rarely do fans hold an idol accountable for being a bit toxic to themselves. like yes they gave up their childhoods for fame at a young age however its still their choices to do so so why is there such a gap in terms of them never needing to be held accountable for themselves their health and wellbeing? is that why theres much criminal activity going on over there?

Thank you for your patience and for consulting the Tarot. I have done a three-card spread: the first card is to understand where the pressure idols feel comes from; the second card is to understand why they don’t take responsibility for their own decisions regarding their health; and the third card is to see if this determines whether they fall into harmful actions.

The first card drawn is the Ten of Pentacles. This card tells me that the primary motivation for those who decide to train to become idols is economic. Those who choose to become idols aim to earn money quickly. This doesn’t mean they think they don’t have to work hard—they do believe that. However, they think that once they debut, they will achieve success and significant financial income. Therefore, the pressure they feel comes primarily from themselves.

Regarding talent (which is also a topic you mentioned), the card indicates that many of these young people aspiring to be idols or who have just become idols believe that if they lack skills like singing or dancing, they will acquire them through training (many think this way). As for the companies, they are willing to invest in someone attractive and charismatic because they believe such individuals can captivate audiences even if they aren’t good singers or dancers. In fact, the second card provides further insights into this.

The second card, the Seven of Wands, reveals that idols (and the companies as well) hold the belief that if they show they are working excessively hard and sacrificing a lot, fans will have a better impression of them. In other words, they think that idols who "suffer the most" are the most successful idols. Stories of resilience, illness, and hard work are the most moving and, therefore, generate greater empathy. This could be the reason they push their bodies and minds to the limit, in addition to the economic ambitions of the companies themselves.

Idols also believe that the more activities they engage in, the more income they can generate. The card also reveals something else: companies are debuting idols too quickly. At the first signs of progress, they debut them, so they no longer train until they reach perfection.

Lastly, The Tower reveals important things. I’m not sure if the final question refers to idols who have committed crimes or bullied others, but if it does, the card unveils interesting insights. On one hand, there are idols who feel very anxious and depressed, which leads them to harmful behaviors or impulsive and thoughtless actions; on the other hand, there are some who have become egotistical and greedy.

In summary: it seems that the pressure comes from themselves and from the companies seeking quick profits. Their harmful lifestyles stem from the same pressure they put on themselves to debut and be successful, and the bad actions and behaviors arise from poor emotional management.

I hope the Tarot has provided you with the answers you were looking for.

[rathayibacter]

Ask meme: Death, The Tower Reversed, Nine of Swords

[ask game here]

going off the beaten path, nice! ill try and do em justice lol

Death: Talk about an idea you’d love to make that no-one would expect from you.

this ones real tricky cuz i feel like my output is really eclectic. ive got some weird ideas in the books (like a collection of parallel-history card games, or a game-riddle that you can only play twice) but i dont know how many of them would be surprising coming from me, yknow? maybe the zine about how to run a Tarrasque would, given my noted.... disdain for dnd, but that wouldnt even really be about dnd yknow?

The Tower: Talk about about a game you tried to make that crashed and burned. Reversed: Talk about a game you were surprised didn't crash and burn.

ill do both of these! i had a game years back (pretty sure inspired by a Prokopetz post) called Party Planners, where youre a high-level adventuring party who spends more of their time throwing galas and managing your reputation as heroes and adventurers than you do actually saving the world. the idea was you had to meticulously schedule everything with a diegetic calendar, so you could make sure to attend all your rivals' events, set up your own, and fit in some adventuring on the side. new dungeons would pop up periodically and everyone would scramble to explore them first for the best loot and biggest bragging rights, but can you afford to do that when the same weekend youve gotta accept an honorary diploma from the wizard school? sadly the concept never got anywhere past "god thatd be really funny" despite trying to make little prototypes several times. i did wind up using a pared-down version of the calendar mechanic in Unskilled Labor though, so thats neat!

and for the flipside, BXLLET! i think ive told this story before, but i had BXLLET 95% done on my hard drive for three months before i finished and released it, because for some reason i was really struggling to get it to a place i was happy with and didnt wanna look at it. if it werent for my friends' passion about it, i dont know that i would have released it at all! which is such a weird thought now that its undeniably my most successful game, lmao. just goes to show, perfectionism's the enemy! reject its vile promises and put yourself out there, flawed and vulnerable, and let the chips fall where they may!

and hmm. nine of swords is usually associated with doubts and anxiety, which i kinda covered in the tower reversed, so lets take a slightly different spin on it

Nine of Swords: What's something you don't think you'll ever master, or that you struggle with every time?

working on large, long-term projects is definitely a struggle for me. ive been getting better at it, im happy with how KATABASIS is coming along even if i wish i could put out releases faster, but i definitely long to be one of those folks who can disappear for a few months and come back with 300 pages yknow? as it is i tend to juggle a couple projects at once, and then switch between them as the mood strikes or as i get blocked on something, and that helps me get things done but doesnt really lend itself to working on A Magnum Opus yknow

on a much more minor note, i wanna get better at worldbuilding around food. i cook! a lot! im pretty good at it! and yet for some reason whenever i sit down to write about food it doesnt come out right lmao

[asterroses]

7, 19 and 25 for the dragon age asks? :)

:D ! 7- if they had to choose one person most important to them, who would that be?

for denaris - the easiest answer is cyrion . dude just loves and trusts his dad so much , its not easy Not choosing him . cyrion has been there his whole life ! ! ! he's had so much support from cyrion for nikolas - honestly ? bethany . their relationship may not be what it once was , there may be so much more strain , but that's still his baby sister . he made a vow he'd protect her ; he wont ever break it on purpose . for arcen - i think , despite everything , he'd pick dorian . yes , he and sethe are siblings and had known each other his whole life , but their relationship is a finicky one . neither of them go to one another unless they absolutely think its necessary . dorian's one of the few people of his inner circle that treated him like he was a person , and Not just the inquisitor . dorian is so important to arcen ; you rarely see one without the other .

19- are they afraid of death?

denaris - no , he's not afraid of it . being a grey warden is a death sentence , and he's quite used to those . what he Is afraid of is what would happen to his family once he dies . nikky - yes , even if he's brushed against it after the arishok fight went poorly . he's afraid of what comes after , what it feels like , if he comes back or if he's doomed to the darkness for the rest of eternity . he's confided in fenris so many times about how afraid he was when he was recovering , he's so afraid of it . arcen - it depends . he's afraid of dying out in the field , in tevinter , in minrathous , away from family . he isnt afraid of dying of old age , or illness that he cant control . it depends on the type of death , truthfully . he would be afraid of dying like his mother did ; in childbirth , not ever meeting his and dorian's child , and thinking if he'd damned them to the fate he had with his mother . but he doesnt let that fear consume him .

25- what did they plan for their life to look like before the events of the game happened?

denaris i think didnt have a plan ; he was 20 years old when origins starts , i think just having his birthday a few months prior . he never thought that far ahead , he thought his life was over years ago . so he was drifting at that point . nikky had a simple plan ; get his family out of public eyes , onto a secluded land , and live there away from hunters and templars and anything that could harm him . in hindsight he thinks it was a foolish plan , but it was the only one he ever had . he never planned for love , in any case . arcen's only plan was to make sure his clan was safe , and maybe plant his roots of family and success inside the clan . and also learn more , just about the world in general . i dont think he'd have much of a plan , truthfully . maybe a plan of when he'd become the keeper like his grandmother , just not a carbon copy of her .

[multiplicity-positivity]

hi so i understand if this isnt something youll help with but... ok so. sometimes when a new headmate is forming ill dream about them like theyre trying to introduce themself to me before they officially meet the other members since im the host and the one who fronts most. thats not the problem, i quite like meeting new members. the problem is i think theres a headmate introducing herself and... she's a terf. is there a way to prevent her from forming or change her to not be hateful or anything???? i dont want a terf in my brain :(

Oof hey, this is tough. The one thing I say right off the bat is, if a headmate is going to form, they’re going to form. We don’t think it’s possible to prevent a headmate from forming who already is forming, if that makes sense.

We’ve heard of paromancers successfully “dissipating” or dissolving paros/thoughtforms before, but we don’t know enough about this process to vouch for it, and from the sounds of it it doesn’t seem like something we’d readily recommend here, to anyone. You know yourself and your system best though, so use your own discretion if it’s something you want to look into.

Personally we think the best way to handle this situation is to welcome this member into your system, accept her, engage with her, and include her in group activities and conversations your sys may have.

While doing so, call out her harmful, bigoted, or wrong beliefs about trans people. Educate her with as much patience and kindness as you can muster. Encourage her to talk to trans people and think critically about her own opinions and beliefs. Reinforce the idea that change is possible, good, and necessary, even if it’s difficult or uncomfortable. If you have trans headmates in your system, set firm boundaries to help them feel safe, and let this new headmate know that exclusionary words and behaviors will not be tolerated by anyone in the system.

This may be challenging, but we feel it could be necessary in order to help this new headmate understand the realities that trans people face and avoid ostracizing her from your system entirely. Remember change is a process, and it often happens slowly. Don’t stand for bigotry and call it out when you see it, but don’t make her life miserable if you can avoid it. Also recognize the moments where she chooses kindness and inclusivity. Draw attention to her positive interactions, and express how proud of her y’all are when she makes steps in the right direction. Build her up and support her when she says and does things that humanize trans people.

Questioning and challenging internalized beliefs is not easy. So even though y’all will need to demand this of her, understand that it’s a process, recognize her efforts, and if/when she does change, embrace her with open arms. You can do all this without allowing her to walk all over your system and treat the trans people in your lives like trash. Be firm when you need to - no marginalized person should ever have to take bigotry from anyone, even if they share a brain.

(A note from our partner sys - maybe try and keep her from engaging with other terfs online if at all possible. Terf ideology spreads through likeminded folks secluding themselves in online echo chambers which aren’t all that difficult to find. Keeping her from joining these sorts of circles might help things go a bit more smoothly.)

Good luck - we know that life with a headmate who holds bigoted beliefs can be scary, disheartening, and exhausting. Don’t give up! We believe in y’all and we hope that y’all will be successful in educating this headmate so that she can live life with a better, healthier, and happier mindset in the future.

[outsidereveries]

that or every other person is a wannabe star and none of its truly spectacular, since we have kind of accepted mediocrity among entertainment since familiarity and trends is what seems to sell "popular" music that and the overall imagery of the group itself or maybe if the group has member that simply attracts popularity to them like jk, san, wonyoung for example. its entertainment that dwindles our attention spans than something that leaves a lasting impression on us further as its become all about that one viral moment rather than something that would make their careers last in the long run. that or the companies ill practices with mismanagement or their failings to protect idols from harm

i wonder how much this train of endless distraction will last bc it all seems to be too much that they dont know how to handle the sheer amount they have released in current times whereas back in the good ole days it felt fresh and new im certain that its run its course for the most part

no wonder so many groups are disbanding like crazy. either they have such few ideas on what to make who stand out but it seems to only be about who can blend in with who and so on. that or scandals seem to make them barely last even from the moment they debut. it can really make or break their small chances of success since there is so much nowadays its hard to actually pick something that separates it from the rest. that or i just end up not caring for it as its not for my age group any longer. honestly i werent even sad when bts went into military as i had witnessed them already, their fan bases only prove to be toxic obsessive and possessive of idols rather than allowing them to do as they please with their lives.

either way overall i think kpops so scared of individuality it doesnt bother to even try to risk doing anything other than what its done over the past however many years so if it dont change one minor thing then what else can they do? if they dont address the problems no ones going to do anything moderately different about it

exactly, the fans whining and adapt or everything will be the same

compared to the past generations, i believe there was some individuality in the genre that vanished due to the korean companies wish to adapt with western unoriginality and be a puppet to them for some money but it's not working; they should realise that k-pop won't ever adapt to the western industry and unless the genre change themselves to what they were before then this industry won't succeed more and will stay stagnant

in the end, korean companies that are profiting from korea will rely on koreans' opinion the most so unless they whine for real and possibly boycott there won't be any change ➡️ the other companies that are profiting from foreign lands way more will adapt in one way or another and i'm not saying that they should be back like before without any translations and this stuff but rather BEING MORE ACTIVE IN KOREA, after all their popularity RELIES ON THAT (the popular groups therr i mean). do they want to take after wonder girls' path? don't think so.

rely on korean popularity but rely on foreign too, like 1:1, not 1:100 for foreigners' benefit for these groups that are more popular in korea🤠 (and everything else)

i agree with you for everything you said though, just wanted to rant for a bit

[fluffnflightillustrations]

I just need to get it off my chest.

Another vent post, since this month has been just... terrible, really.

So we were doing well, paying the bills, even making a little extra... then my roomie quit her job on the spot without a backup job on the rear cooker... right before my birthday.

maybe its selfish, but im really frustrated and pissed about it? she got a small job after jobhunting for two or three days and they let her go the next week, so once again, we are out of more than half the bill payments. usually, if i were healthy, i would be able to try to float us for a bit, but im just. not. healthy. at all.

i cannot afford my medication i desperately need to maintain myself, and my paranoia is getting so much worse with all of the stress piling higher and higher. for those unaware, i am diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, GAD, and Psychotic depression... that last one is basically super intense depression, but add on some hallucinations and a lot of paranoia.

I cant get enough sleep and i keep waking up with tachycardia and night sweats and feeling weak and i dont know if its my paranoia as usual or if its actually some new heart condition and its freaking me the hell out

I'm working as much as i can at my new job and i still don't think im going to make ends meet, so I opened commissions but the guilt from being able to finish them fast enough is eating me alive and i feel like im really falling into a huge hole i cannot crawl out of

i want to disappear and hide from it all... i wish it would all just disappear. the world, the bills, the stress, the hallucinations, the anxiety, the loneliness. my entire life. im not going to act on an attempted... unaliving, since ive tried and failed too many times to have any faith in myself to be successful, but im so... so tired. so exhausted.

We had planned a trip to New York, even bought nonrefundable tickets and a hotel a few months back when we were doing well... but im going to have to go and spend the whole time working, and my friends i was going to meet might have to cancel, and honestly.. part of me just doesnt want to go anymore. its hard to feel any excitement for a trip that will just be spent being anxious and feeling guilty for not working in that time period.

My friends are all busy, so i don't have really anybody to get it off my chest to, and then another few friends i suspect of actually hating me, but maybe its my anxiety speaking... im just tired of it all. i want it all to perish

anyways... commissions are open. ill post about it tomorrow probably when i feel better, if i feel better

[remembering-angels]

My 70s past life a little bit more in depth (trigger warning)

my story is a bit hard to explain, i guess ill have to ask someone to believe in reincarnation in order to read this story, but i guess it wont be too confusing, i don't believe ive changed that much. so i guess ill have to go back, before i was a child in the garden or even before i could speak, back before i could walk, back before my mother even thought of my existence, back before i was born, back to that dark forest in 1974, laying on that cold hard ground ,my arms, my body becoming numb, someone takes my last breath away and the full moon illuminates his desire , a dark desire to possess, as if i was a flower he had picked out in a garden ,but i was a human and so was he, his cold arms trace down my body, my last breath gets trapped in his mouth, the whispers around me grow closer,tiny whispers calling me to leave this body, it is time to leave, it is time to leave a body that's no longer mine, to find a new vessel for all my hopes and dreams and pain, no that body laying there on the damp forest floor ,under the man i once met on an evening stroll down my campus , that body he tears apart with his bare hands is now his vessel for his dark desires and my hopes and dreams need to find a new home now.

'you are so stupid , stupid , stupid, why would you get in to his car? why would you follow him?' i berated myself for a long time after remembering that life. i dont remember how i moved on, there was no door and the only light in the forest was the sunrise above the trees , did i really spend the whole night with him? my killer did not leave me with a neat little guidebook on what do after you get murdered but he did leave me with a name , Ted. now looking back at it saying 'i got in to a VW bug with a man named ted' sounds like the stupidest thing to say, maybe it is. but back then i didn't know of the other girls he took to that ride before me, i didn't know about the other girls who could write an identical story to me.

i was only a 20 something girl that felt incredibly lost in life. even back then i was dreaming of more than life could offer me, i just felt tired of people always asking me 'what you want to do with your life' i don't know, i don't know, my boyfriend at the time seemed to have everything figured out, marriage, work , smoking weed , but how can i marry someone when i don't even know what i want, my parents and i had i suppose just the regular relationship a middle class family in america would have, fights here and there but overall i remember a lot of love,i regret not telling them more often that i loved them, i regret the fights. and i was in love with my bf because he was funny and he had the warmest hugs, he always wanted to know everything inside my brain ,i should have told him that i wanted something else, i never had the heart to breakup with him , he was my friend since highschool. my father always wanted the best to me , for me to marry someone successful so he could provide for me or i could go to a job that would actually bring me money haha in this life i always missed having a father and in that life i always worried about my father,he was always cheerful and in times stern, i wish i had gotten along better with my mother too,she always saw the world differently.

my house had wooden walls that i always found comforting and warm ,they were so inviting, the bricks in my state university were red and depressing to me back then, they were too boring, too dull, the library in the uni was not my favorite place but it was silent enough to let me think and i often would use the phone there.

one night in early 1974 i felt too suffocated being in my dorm room, the open window didn't help at all, my mood started to fall in to a bit of a depressive spiral, i looked out of the window in to the dark street below and decided taking a walk is just what my tired brain needs, the walk from my dorm didn't seem long and i took my time. its strange looking back at something and realizing that that strange feeling of looking behind your shoulder as you walk is just your intuition screaming, i carefully looked behind me as i walked but there was no one there, what was i so afraid of that night, what footsteps did i feel behind me. by the time i reached my destination it was already so late at night, i sat down on the bench sulking in my own thoughts ,i was so preoccupied with them that i didnt notice a man sitting next to me, he was tall, clean shaven, light brown hair, watch on his right wrist. he introduced himself politely, said his name was ted, i wasnt really in the mood to make new friends that night si i politely answered him back and said i have to go back in to my dorm now, since it started to be really late at night.but ted didnt take this as a sign to say goodbye, he followed me down to the dark street, my new ''friend'' kept chatting with me as we turned down the ally way, up to the parking lot , his car , an old vw was standing in the darkness of the parking lot, i should go now i told him as i turned around to head back to the campus, he kept insisting on me staying but i kept saying goodbye, at some point i guess his patience ran out, i turn away from him , i suddenly feel a hand grabbing my wrist, before i could even understand whats going on, my head slams against his car with a force that leaves my vision blurry and my body disoriented, i try to grab in to something, anything , his hands pin me down to the car, the pain in my head just gets sharper and sharper. i wake up again, i am in the seat besides him, my body feels numb, i look at him, his face is blank and he stares in to the road, no emotion, nothing , he doesnt hear or care about me begging him to let me go, i start crying for him to let me go thats where he grabs my hair, pulls me to himself and tells me ''shut up or ill make it worse for you'' thats the moment i realized that i shouldnt mess with him, that he is dangerous, i was too scared to even dare to make a sound or breath too loudly. he keeps driving and then he stops in the forest,near some kind of shed, he forces me inside . and thats probably where i should end that story.

thanks for reading!

[girlstressed]

for the advice column: how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? it is literally so hard trying to internship hunt rn bc i'm too soft. (i mean of course the only real thing i can do is keep doing it until i stop being so sensitive but what do i do in the meantime lol)

hi anon! we are birds of a feather i also really struggle with rejection especially back when i was applying for my first jobs . i think you have the right idea honestly in that the only way you'll start getting used to it is by doing it often but also theres some little tricks you can use in the meantime that i used (i am not a professional but these worked for me!!)

tempering my expectations (aka trying to mellow ur hopes out): i applied to a couple places that were very much Not going to hire me/i wasnt a great candidate for. this piece of advice is kind of work intensive but i feel like it helped me sort of temper my rejection sensitivity ("ah eh i knew they werent going to hire me type beat" <- this made getting rejections from places that i interviewed for too not that bad). dont get this twisted with not being hopeful, stay hopeful! someone will definitely get back to you!

your self worth isnt based on whether they accept you: its really easy to fall into this cycle of "oh they rejected me im terrible ill never get a job etc" and that really pulls you into this vortex of not doing your best at your future interviews/endeavors because you're already afraid that they'll reject you. the important thing is that even after you receive a rejection be kind to yourself! the more you practice not placing your self-worth in achievement the less it'll matter if they reject you to you and the more you'll be able to focus on putting your best foot forward.

work on what you can control: you really can't control the places' final decision, but you can work on making your application more competitive! maybe get an unbiased person to look over your resume/cover letter if you aren't getting to the interview portion, or get someone to practice interviews with you if that's what you struggle with. this last one really helped me because i found that the more i practice something the more confident i feel about it, and generally this leads to more success!

i hope this helped :) keep me updated anon the work force is hell rn but i hope hope hope these internships get back to you!!

i guess im an advice column now

[prince-tulip]

I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone.

I cant let go of people, i have a severe abandonment issue that has gone too far. My reality became so blurry, with so many people wanting things from me..cognitive distortions and people pleasing stemming from overwhelming guilt and shame and fear..living off defense mechanisms first..

Its like if ive done wrong to you, i feel I have to be punished and be exactly whoever to whomever person im involved with. Which that plays into daily life, i feel I always have to be how they want me to be, im HEAVILY influenced by the world and often times in bad ways, its a big reason i dont just live my life.. Not to say either that i dont have genuine emotions and love for literally anyone ive loved or even if they hurt me and are toxic, i won't leave. When something i cant handle happens, i look for an escape route maybe? But i know i don't actually want to leave or cut someone off..My feelings become caught in a bundle of wires, words become misdirected, impulsive and if i have a trauma bond with you, subconscious feelings and past events come screaming at my face, confusing my reality more, saying and doing things i shouldn't. All things ive tried so hard to heal from..i have so much love to give and I think overall just genuine connection is what im looking for..even if thats just as friends with whoever my sentiment gets the best of me too, i feel as if everything must mean something but thats just not true and its going to keep killing me if i think like that...that's the big question..

What does connection mean to me? What form do i want it in and how can i better understand how to communicate with my loved ones or future companions? Growing up it was always soulmate, marriage, kids, happy life but i dont think(as of right now, i do hope one day) that the typical life isn't for me..societys need to be perfect, to be perceived as happy and successful, forcing a life out of want oppose to need..i dont understand..

Maybe though..just maybe nothing can grow if you dont allow it to and thats a fault on me.."here comes the contradiction" lmao...*insert*

Could i just be honest and communicate how i properly feel? Yes..but with how my mental illness is, i dont know how i feel. Every thought, perspective, moral is just contradictory. Every second. Its a constant battle of not self destructing, hurting people, picking fights, loss of interest, feeling numb, thinking every is meant for a reason when its not that fucking serious. Its not just negative moods either. Happiness comes in big waves that feel uncomfortable, pleasure feels wrong, like i dont deserve it, in any form.

Im riddled with guilt and regrets..

I feel torn through out time, belonging to people from different points in my life, struggling to feel whole and until i do, especially when it comes to love, romance and building together.

I cant have those, it burns me out. I focus too much on them, then burn out which causes problems and personal anger, sadness, resentment in everyone involved..

I never understood i had a need for validation but oh god, how i understand now..I never understood cognitive distortion but oh god, how i understand now..i never understood how to truly express myself and my desires..but how i understand now..too late... Ironically.

My honest intentions questioned due to my lack of mental understanding, a lack of time perception, a lack of being able to sift through my emotions of how i truly feel, a lack of being able to realize i dont need to people please, a lack of realizing i dont have boundaries for myself or others, a lack of not being able to not self destruct, if i hurt or disappointed someone i feel i need to fix things and be someone that i actually dont really wanna be but i end up filling that role because i need to fix something or i just have a personality switch and im saying and doing things i really don't mean, its so polarizing and its no ones fault, its so much my fault....

I now realize i do not need to feel like i need to be punished..or that i dont deserve good things...The lack of not letting things be natural, not letting things just happen, always fear driven and being controlled by my defense mechanisms. This overwhelming guilt, shame and disgust i harbor in my heart of all the wrongs ive ever made, it all haunts me and im so familiar with it, its almost if thats all i will feel my life, as if thats what i subconsciously wanted...not needed..i didn't need this..but here i am..