#i dont cry much at anything i just generally dont cry
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people who dont cry at media often, whats one game, movie, song, tv show ect that made you SOB
#for me it was spiritfarer :c#i dont cry much at anything i just generally dont cry#and even with spiritfarer (which if you have played it you will know that there are a lot of really sad moments) i didnt cry till the end#but that final scene#when i tell you i was SOBBING#like sitting in my bed at 11pm at night absolutely crying my eyes out#ouuughhh#also kinda the shawn the sheep movie but that was a while ago#random questions
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I fear that anything I write about the transmasculine experience will pale in comparison to a song written by cisgender heterosexual man Will Wood. like he got it. he wrote it all down. how tf did he do that was he possessed
#im obviously exaggerating#and i/me/myself is both relatable to a transmasc and transfem (just trans in general tbh) experience#but like#so much of my trans experience has been shaped by other peoples desires. other peoples expectations of my body and what they deem attractive#i DO wish i could be a girl#and that way youd wish i could be your girlfriend/boyfriend#like YEAH#especially in the demo version#“for some reason i find myself caring what you do to me”#yes yes yes exactly#“am i pretty enough to fucking die” translates perfectly into “the norms and expectations placed on me to be attractive as a girl#by society are killing me. but i cant escape it. i have been taught and conditioned to view myself through the metric of your attraction#to me. i need to be pretty. i need to be wanted. and i dont think i can be wanted as anything but a girl. but being a girl is killing me.#it is death. it is rotting me inside and out. is this what you wanted? for me to be a pretty corpse? ill do it. for you#ill fucking do it if thats what it means to be loved.“ and a cisgender man wrote this. fuck#and the last line in the demo being “big girls dont cry”#?????#holy shit fuck#anyways will wood thank you for summarizing transgender angst in your hit song about being cisgender#will wood#will wood and the tapeworms#wwatt#i me myself#i/me/myself#i me myself demo
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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I'd be more into gravity falls right now if the fandom wasn't so allergic to being happy bc I'll be honest since trying to join I can't find. ANYTHING cute or happy its all SAD.
#lloyds meowing#i cant go on twitter or tiktok without being bombarded by angst regarding characters in this fucking show#just once dawg. ONE HAPPY HEADCANON OR FANFIC OR COMIC OR SOMETHING. IM BEGGING#idk. ill probably delete this later#but it genuinely breaks my heart that im too much of a big dumb crybaby to enjoy the g.f. fandom#this bullshit of crying when anything remotely big or sad or FUCK.#i even cry when i see good good fnaf and dsaf stuff bc im so proud to be around such talented people#but i dont have a friend to talk to bc if i try to talk or even text i get so worked up i cry#and i guess im just not fun to have a conversation with generally.#idk. im gonna delete this before i get off work tonight#im sorry you have to read the ramblings of a mentally ill and troubled man
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unnormal vivilly dweller thoughts in my head
#“I'm right next to you” are we about to kiss. are you trying to kiss me right neow#i hate the chase sequence part (corny and unoriginal) but everything else is so perfect#hEeEeLP MEeEeEE#i fuckign love vivilly anyway but i think the vivilly dweller is what Really did it fr me#SERIOUSLY THOUGJ WHAT THE FUCK#i would make a palpers dweller but i dont think my computer can with how shit it is rn#like i definitely will at some point (unless someone beats me to it) but i just can't rn 😭#i csnt wait for august viv face reveal guys!!!! YAY!!!! idc what he looks like he will always be so splinkoid#plus whatever characteristics he has i can kinda just add on to my design to him behind his mask#i color his skin as dark grey just for his mc skin but seeing his snapchat n stuff makes me wanna show him off as rhe eyeblinding man he is#or not! who knows . i have a tendency to do whatever#okay speakijg of his face reveal#i have something i want to explain to the wall#a part of me is hoping he isnt generic conventionally attractive guy 38495839488#the rest of me is neutral because idrc#the reason why is most likely because i would feel a deeper connection to him if we shared similar facial features#it's a good reason i think? but still weird to have because i shouldnt really care what he looks like at all#idk what to expect really but i guess i should be open minded abt it#I JUST. a lot of how i perceive him is through his mc character#that played a big part in how i grew to like him so much#but he ISN'T emo hoodie minecraft shyguy!!!#however i can still enjoy the 'persona' he has online. chill sarcastic insane funny blocky shyguy who does a little (A LOT OF) trolling#anyway back to what i was saying#hope bro isn't majestic as fuck irl#IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE DREAM I'M GOING TO CRY#DREAM IS MAJESTIC AS FUCK I CANT EVEN WITH THAT MAN#i will be supportive anyway ofc because 1) i dont care even though i just proved that i do 2) i can separate persona from irl person 3)...U#IM SO NORMAL#also we're not goijg toctalkcabou t the dream thing. if youre my irl yoy didnt aee this (PLEASE DONT UNFRIEND ME OELASE#DONT LEAVE JUST FORGER Iなはoops didnt mean to type thatSAID THAT OKAY
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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every day me and my friends singlehandedly try to keep the kids in this church from getting more whitewashed
#julia.txt#shakes them. you will think back on this and you will think back on the opportunities you had when you are older#and you will regret and you will think tk yourself why did i not make it easier on myself when i was still young#i KNOW its hard and i KNOW its not intuitive and i KNOW it feels pointless but you have to TRY#you have to try and you have to stick to it or else you will regret it so deeply#hold on to what you have !!! before you lose it !!!!#idk at what point is it a lost cause and you just have to give in and realize that we cant preserve everything#but i dont want to give up !! i dont care if their freeking parenrs have given up i dont care if the entire church has given up on it#i will give them what i can!! i will try to !!!#augh. punches a wall. idk i cant force them but also i WAS them i UNDERSTAND .#and i know where i am at now and what i regret#it does make me want to cry sometimes because we try so HARD#i spend so much time translating and they dont. care.#and i dont begrudge them that obvs theyre kids. like its not that deep#but it's more of like. idk are our efforts really worth anything?#i think in the end it simply comes down to me not wanting things to change#and they WILL. i know they will. but i dont WANT them to#i just. i cant spend the entirety of my life up until a few years ago in this church where everything was in arabic and then.#i UNDERSTAND that things have to change at some point because its not fair to the kids to have them attend meetings they dont understand#and thats NOT THEIR FAULT. they just. didnt have the encadrement my generation had#but it makes me SAD okay it makes me sad to think that one day we wont be using the arabic hymn book anymore#i just. i dont know. i dont know. its almost 4 am i should sleep
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watched whitepine 1. i think i want to gather all my thoughts on part 1 before moving on to the next installments but oh wow im excited to see where this story goes
#this is one of those projects that makes me wish minecraft youtubers hired professional voiceactors.#lowkey as i watch ive been imagining this as a fortiche production. & i dont mean either this or the thing about VAs as an insult!!!#it just . would feel right. this is so great i feel like im watching an award nominated indie film and not a minecraft production#and the reason i mentioned fortiche specifically is because their ability to make these odd inhuman designs (see: lest steb and babette)#fit right into the mainly realistic human world they inhabit in arcane was just wonderful and i loved it a lot#and i think that would work well with these wacky mcyt skins. like princezam is literally a yellow blob#anyway so those were all my little notes about how much i love animation . onto actually discussing the story#um . i really loved ivorys character. everyone else isnt very developed yet (understandable! ive watched 30 minutes of this thing so far)#you can get a grasp of what shes about. i liked the scene with seraptor where she freaks out a bit when asked if she doesnt like#how much he talks. it made me cry a little bit because i have Issues#and her referring to everyone as sir or ma'am and asking permission to do anything as well as always saying that she was staying#in the servant side of the house and all that is very . like just kinda sad. very interesting#i like the melancholic atmosphere everywhere as well as all the wideshots#(and i liked the parts where while following minute(? i think. not well versed in the names of this general crowd im ngl) ivory kept#looking around everywhere. and how she stood somewhere behind him when he was talking to the person at the gate or whatever#i like her!)#it all sets the tone very nicely . i like this series#go watch it maybe#voidcore.txt
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Time for me to be completely changed as a person! *just watched falsettos*
#the klock keeps ticking#oh dude we’re so back oh its so back#how am i supposed to live my life after this how am i supposed to go on#its funny cuz ive seen this damn show actually a thousand times i know it forward and backwards#and i dont really cry ever in general and ive become so familiar with falsettos that i dont cry anymore#but it still has the ability to destroy some deep part of me every single time in a new way#I will stay firm in my belief that its the greatest piece of media ever made#if i ever get to see falsettos on broadway (pipe dream ik) like#thatd be it for me man like how the hell are you supposed to leave and drive home after that akdnsk#i cant remember the last time i watched either i think it mightve been like. when i first moved into my old apartment 😳#and ive gone through quite a bit of shit since then and im smarter. i think#so yeah it hit me very hard this time i always stick to something different#im very much wrecked about this fucking family lets just say that#lets just say ‘shes cooked for some 200 guests i know we’re not that many actually we’re 7’#really hit different this time KID DO YOU KNOW HOW PROUD I AM#DONT KNOW WHY BUT HE LOOKS LIKE MARVIN#so so good so lovingly written and performed so real and beautiful and tragic FUCKKKK#yeah basically prepare for me to write like 50 essays for a few days about all the characters every song every lyric every sound yeah#falsettos is probably deadass the reason im like this it shaped me so much#just like. the ending of tragedy that was so unexpected and unfair#and it looks at the fucking homophobic shits who preached all about this being just desserts for the perverted behavior#and it says ‘this man could’ve kept that unhappy heterosexual life and avoided all of this but he chose the one that killed him because#it made him feel like himself it made him happy despite how brief it was and hed choose this route in every universe’#just a piece of art that is so true to queerness i dont think anything else has instilled a sense of pride in me like falsettos has#the tight knit family marvin tries so hard to keep together is falling apart worse and worse with each attempt#but once marvin is happy and loves himself and is loved by others the family ends up growing and sticking together naturally#aaughhh yeah ahahaha yeah man everyone please love your friends so genuinely love yourself and keep going 🥰
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Hello this is a call for help by which i mean does anybody have any good ekurei fics??? Most of what I found on ao3 was either in a foreign language or weird porn and I'm losing hope seeing as there are around 400 fics total
#ultimately maybe idk where to look for stuff#screaming crying throwing up but in a bad way#i dont even care if its with the security guard at this point bro just ANYTHING decent#ive only ever read fics that were reccomended by somebody else and this is the first time i venture into the mp100 ao3 tag and. hooo boy#IK IK i should add more specific tags prolly my searches are always pretty general its why i find the weird shit so easily#but i dont recall it being this bad for other fandoms. tried going through recent and there was so much re¡mob like fking hell#ITS 100 FICS BEHIND SERIREI NO WAYYYYYY#also ekurei is barely 100 above incest.... this is the wrong timeline jfc#neighbours are also being obnoxious and i cannot sleep this night is AWFUL#mp100#mob psycho 100#ekurei#ekubo#arataka reigen#mp100 dimple#send help i am in NEED#cine te a intrebat
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Do the character opinion bingo with Volition and Electrochemistry >:]
hey red i CHERISH YOU <33!!
hahaha yup im normal im so normal about volition we all know this :)
headcanons: - Volition smells like molten metal and stone, like if you'd just stepped into a forge. his limbs are cool and metallic, but closer to his chest and neck his skin is warmer, and he smells like lavender. his armor clinks like ceramic windchimes. - Electrochemistry smells like sweat and whatever the last "bad thing" harry's had. these days after the martinaise case, it's often of faint cigarette smoke. (i think while he's getting better, he smells like other things that give pleasure chemicals. warm blankets, good food, the breeze rushing in through the kineema window, hugs and pine aftershave.)
the reasons why "canon isn't real" is questioned is because of shipping reasons, i am absolutely shipping them in the wrong way but we're not looking at that, we're just gonna look at them kiss okay? okay? they're in love. to me. they can fix each other. they're healing together.
also for the love of god volition give me your fucking gender PLEASEEEE let me be a knight :']
#volta transmissions#character bingo!#''hey chemi you forgot the /platonic for the 'literally i would kiss them' square on volition'' no. no i didnt i promise <3#i would kiss him platonically though. a thousand forehead kisses for him. kissing the back of his hand. i love him so much.#''if anything happened to them i would cry'' buddy i would cry even if NOTHING is happening to him. im fuckin. EMOTIONAL!!#fandoms pretty good with them not gonna lie. i dont like it when people reduce echem to just ''the funny guy'' like yeah he can be!!#but dont attribute like. EVERY joke and comedic moment to him? ALL of the skills are funny in their own right!!#reading a fic like ''...that joke didn't suit echem at all... that should have gone to rhetoric or something...?''#but generally yeah everyone's got them pretty good we're fine here. if anything /i'm/ wrong about them lmao.#task: unstoppable force#esprit: Red
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Really is a coping kinda night huh lmao
#speculation nation#negative/#im not going to sit outside. im not going to do anything productive.#bc if i do i might just [redacted]#im going to go home. im going to eat. and then im going to do whatever my cursed little heart desires.#be it video game or drink myself stupid#ykno it's kinda funny that i have therapy tomorrow morning. i almost want to cancel.#it's supposed to be just general problems discussion. i dont even know this woman yet.#but im having. erm. secondhand response i guess#probably also having to do with personal stress with dnd group problems and imminent project due AND having to take on Even More hours#but im also like. it's a secondhand horror kind of thing. hearing about it and seeing people i know deal with it#and working to take on some of the burden for them bc theyre fucking traumatized like hell im going to make them work#and just... hearing about it in general. the knowledge that it happened. the aching empathy for what theyre going through.#it's got me all kinds of fucked up lmfaooo#im being bombarded on multiple sides rn and this really fucking sucks#couldnt have been a worse time for this to happen. bc i STILL have my fucking project & presentation due next week#i know drinking in this kind of mood isnt great. but listen lmfao it's better than me [redacted]. lesser of two evils and all.#sorry i keep talking about this here but it's kinda genuinely life disrupting. & very thoroughly disturbing.#and i cleaned the fucking fryer filter today. worst day for me to do that too. but it needed done.#too much stress not enough release. i really wish i could cry about it.#but nooo i have tear ducts of the desert. no emotional release for me lmfaoooo#at least i have food. im gonna eat plenty and take care of myself. it's the least i can do to try to make things okay.#alcohol ment/#continuing being vague about what happened but it's something that's wormed its way into my brain#dont have to experience it myself for the knowledge of it to negatively affect me. such is the reality of someone with Bad Brain.#wild to hate someone so much who ive never met and is already dead. you total piece of shit. i hope you rot in hell.
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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the craziest thing is even w this breakup i still feel like this is sooo my year ilke i have never been sentient and awake like this until 2024
#like yeah im sad but this is infinitely better than any other time in my life#generally speaking#which is a good thing#also im thining about it and i know tis partly just cuz the weahter was better#but like im sooo tired of mourning her#like im bored of it. and im finally starting to think ill get over her like shes just starting to feel like a dream now#but i dont know if thatll change if i see her again#i actually did see her this week and i think we made eye contact but i went to my phone and so did she#usually i try to say hi but every time i do she becomes so awkward like she would much rather be anywhere else than looking at me#and i think ive realized my issue isnt that were broken up entirely. its that i dont think she wants to even try to be somewhat normal abou#the situation#like im thinking about and i think this is whats hurting me the most now that weve broken up#cuz like yeah she still says hi if i say hi first but its like the way she holds herself and the way she looks anywhere but at me once she#realizes im existing in front of her#and it makes me SO sad and ruins my day every time i wave hi and she does that thing so thats why i decided not to wave hi that time#and i did cry a little but honestly it was like i felt so numb#i think the only reason i cried was cuz my brain saw an opportunity to cry and think about the breakup#but other than that i dont think i actually felt much of anything like the crying felt super forced#which i think is a good sign#but yeah i think my issue at this point now is just that like she isnt even trying to act normal and i get it like how do you act normal yk#but like at the very least i feel like if you could just act normal when you wave hi to me would be fine you know.#like its not that big of a deal just say hi and then we go our separate ways. we dont need to do that whole 'ohhh lala looking around OH ha#didnt see you there! um ok hi. ok time to look away'#and its not like she DOESNT say hi when i say hi to her. its just teh way she holds herself#like she wants to pretend we dont know each other. idk how to explain it#cuz if i say hi she still says hi but she justlooks at me like she wants me to be invisible#yeah anyway all of this to say i think im doing better maybe
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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