#i dont Want to Make people share my shit
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heres your highly requested fluff you fucking animals
#this is all youre getting now SCRAM. we're back to the socratic dialogues after this#anyway this whole game was about how family can be a hodge-podge of whatever you want idk why people keep nuclear-family-itising isafrin#im not accusing anyone of anything i just think its odd that we're not just immediately making that family unit 8 people big minimum#with zero deliniation between the roles shared between 'birth parents' and the other ones. just seems odd to draw those lines#mirabelle isabeau and loop fight for the title of mother: GO#anyway claps my hands together these are the extents of my thoughts here i dont do fankids thats too far into the future for me.#way too many variables. cant extrapolate shit. aint my wheelhouse. this is just here for the joke that loop is a walking baby sensory video#isiloop#sloopis#isat#isat spoilers#isat loop#isat siffrin#isat isabeau#doodlebyte#i think so confidently calling loop a sensitive insecure fucker gets to merit the spoilers tag. and also idk man it just feels it in nature
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thoughts on dave and aradia (<>)?
day 356
BIG fan tbh. in this house we love and respect timerails
truly yall read this log and tell me theyre not cute
#day 356#year 4#dave strider#aradia megido#aradave#homestuck#she really saw this kid and was like OH YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR MORTALITY?? :D#boy do i have some relevant life experience and wisdom to impart on THAT ISSUE SPECIFICALLY#and then she just. very gently and kindly makes the subject more approachable for ghostdave#the pesterlog i linked is literally my FAVORITE aradia moment. to me it is THE character defining moment for god tier aradia#yes she is being kind of ominous and trickstery at first#but it VERY quickly becomes clear shes got genuine concern for this kid she's had very little to do with up until this point#she really wants to connect with him over their shared time aspect stuff#and she really DOES care about how he feels about everything. she wants to help and she wants to put him at ease#because she KNOWS from experience that being dead and having to cope with what that means for you is like VERY UPSETTING AND TRAUMATIC#shes not just like. 'hee hee i think death is great and awesome because im edgy'#shes like 'no dude being dead is scary if you dont have anybody to explain this shit to you. so im going to explain it-'#'-and hopefully by the end of this conversation you will have some new things to feel relief and maybe even joy and excitement about'#'not just in spite of the death thing but BECAUSE of it'#i know shes spooky and has weirdgirl swag and we all love that about her but like#at her core she is a very KIND person. she may occasionally struggle to connect to people through the Death Special Interest Haze#but she WANTS to and when she DOES she is like. a genuinely very warm and comforting presence for her friends#ANYWAY. if andrew hussie or i guess james roach now want to give me an honorary doctorate for my 12+ years of intensive aradia studies#i will be here waiting patiently#timerails
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Happy EDS awareness month!
I'm a webcomic artist with EDS. be aware.
EDS affects many parts of my life. I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and I need to use a cane! I often find myself ruminating on themes of chronic illness in my work, whether or not I am intending to include them.
I already can't paint anymore, it hurts my hands too much... Anything that requires small details or precise motions will hurt me for days. I have a lot of grief around it. But working digitally allows me to still create!
I animate, I illustrate, I get to tell my stories. I have to go slow, take huge breaks (often against my will) and recover slowly. But, working in this space allows me the grace to do this.
So, I just wanted to share a bit of my experience with my audience, and say thank you for reading my work and supporting me! It means the world to me, and I hope maybe someone in my audience feels a little more seen through me sharing this. It causes me pain, but I love myself; and that includes my disability.
#I thought about putting my comic patreon and kofi links on here but it felt wrong#I really want this post to just be for my audience!#just so you can feel a little seen and just learn a little more about me#I am NOT inviting invasive questions#this is NOT opening the door to discussion on ways it affects my life#this is me sharing a limited glimpse into a part of my personal life#the real pain that this has caused me is shit like my bfs mom telling him to break up with me over it#and people calling me slurs and whatever#I mean obviously the pain itself too but#yeah.#I dont want to talk about that trauma to my thousands of followers in a way they can reblog it and share it around#so#this is all just for you guys#I love you!#thank you for being here#it's the only reason I'm able to create#is because of the support people give me.#well. I mean actually cause of the support webtoon is giving me tbh#I do NOT make enough to quit yet#but the support from my audience keeps me going and makes all the shittiness of my job worth it#it reminds me that creating stories is worth it all#the physical and emotional pain!#so thank you for keeping me motivated and going
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gonna vent for a sec but im so tired of this "don't wanna be an inconvenience", people pleasing shit ngl.....do people who do this know that they just come off as really rude and like... it just feels insulting each time
#idk it's so upsetting and discouraging im really tired of it#like bro.... everyone can see what you're doing and#you doing it just communicates that you think im a fucking awful person#if im going to be fine with like someone... putting themselves down for the sake of others#or denying help because thay dont want to be an inconvenience#it just feels rude#if you don't think that i genuinely want to help you#if you think that I'm just fucking pretending or whatever then why are you even here I don't want#a friend who thinks these thoughts about me xd#like#how many times do i have to assure someone#i just feel like shit#it really just feels so shittyyyyyyy#comeonnnnn#people can SEE you people pleasing and doing all that shit#and everybody fucking hates it#it just makes me super uncomfortable and i know it also makes other ppl i know very uncomfortable also#on one hand I don't wanna mention anything to this person because trauma is trauma what the fuck am i#supposed to do about that its just a trauma response but god i have feelings too#i want that person to also consider me because it feels so awful it just taints every single interaction#because it makes me feel like they think im some awful person who's going to be fine#with them carrying all their stuff even though i offered like 5 times and them just pushing themselves aside so i have space#even though im offering to share#AURGHH#it feels so bad#i feel like this every time i spend time with this person or any other person who does this that i know enough to like#recognize the behavior#idk im just tired I can't be putting all my effort#into reassuring every single step it's just sucking all fun out of everything we do together it just feels like shit whatever
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i drew a streamer i started watching recently who was playing LN1~
their name is obakechan !
#my art#art q#cell shading#chibi#misc bg#little nightmares#fanart#in other news i am slowly recovering from the whole like#being possessive of my art and artstyle#after the whole bunsong youtube series of unfortunate events plus dailycelebi#so if you wanted to ask how i do any certain things i am very likely to share now..!#i still say dont heavy ref my art and post it#like u can do that to learn privately#but otherwise idk i am overcoming it#oh and dont heavy reference my commission work ofc thats for the paying customer#anyways this took me like 20 or 30 mins#actually i can check#yeah 21 mins#i should stream little nightmares again#also i recognise my possessiveness of my art was partly cuz like i was not at all used to being seen outside my friends anyways#and my art is a big part of my identity#so seeing someone copy it as best as they could was very unsettling at the time#but after a lot of introspection and breaking down why i felt that way i started to recover after realising that like#people doing that arent stripping me of my identity and wearing it right#they just liked my art#except the users who traced or heavy reffed my shit and didnt credit me nor ask and then sold it those guys dont count#but yeah im still figuring it all out internally#actually making those bases really helped !!
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I might have OCD actually
#idk i can't tell if its ocd or paranoia#but all my life these “share this text to 10 contacts or your mum will die” always made me unreasonably panicked#and more and more because of posts like “donate now or you are a horrible person” make me deeply unwell#i feel so selfish because i know it's not their fault#im not blaming palestinians reaching out for help more like the people who share the posts and then guilt trip everyone#and i really dont wanna block the tags because it'll make me feel even worse and i still want to be informed#i have so many asks pilling up but idk what to do because I'm useless i can't help in anyway i dont have any reach and no money in my name#and i dont wanna close asks because i do enjoy ask games#but also idk what to do#because when i reply its so hard i feel miserable because i can't help but as soon as i reply i get 20 new ones and it's incredibly overwhel#overwhelming#but when i dont answer my brain is screaming at me “if you dont reply your while family will die in a car crash”#and it's a simple mental image to think of the more asks i answer the more i get the more my brain tells me awful things#I'm sorry to any mutual i may have unfollowed because they shared so many guilt tripping posts i genuinely can't do it anymore#and i feel terrible#and I don't wanna leave Tumblr because it's my only social platform left lmao and thevother ones are all awful its the inly one i like#I'm just not in the right mental state to constantly see “donate or you dont deserve to live even if youre poor” kinda posts#it's not even triggering its just making my “ocd” worse than it ever was#all day long my brian been telling me “you will die today because you didnt answer the asks!!”#it's genuinely horrible idk what to do and eother way i feel like a piece of shit i feel like i dont have the right to feel this way
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For the love of God I'm so sick of skinny people being like "oh don't take a picture of me i look fat and bloated and GROSS and I hate it!" Just say you don't want a photo. Stop explaining yourself. Please. For the love of god. Please do not open your mouth
#txt#fatphobia#this guy used to talk shit behind my back and called me fat when i was younger and ive lost so much weight with hyperthyroidism#and people always say i look so good but im literally so sick. i cant gain any weight because of graves. you people make me sick#being skinny is not inheritly healthy and being fat is beautiful. you dont have to share your thoughts to everyone.#for the love of god#medical issues#i guess also#side note they explicitely say i look healthy because im thin even though i see my ribs (i want to eat but the sickness)#the anger.
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someone do collaborative worldbuilding with me. please 🥺
#I am making a classic fantasy world/story but in space#and I don't want to write any of it down so I need someone to come listen to me ramble#and bounce ideas back and forth with me#....I should write this down tho or I'm not gonna remember any of it later lol#(I say that like I dont remember practically every single world I've ever created in detail)#but this way I could share it with other people!#I also want to draw some of the landscapes and little bits and pieces I have come up with#unfortunately I do not have access to digital art beyond my phone#and I don't have the cool landscape/fantasy concept artstyle I would like for the images to be done in#and pencil drawings won't really cut it (also I can't draw landscapes for shit)#I need to be able to download the images in my brain directly into other people's brains
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yeah okay. maybe it is actually all worth it
#the fucking lights in his little eyes.....#i had to crop most of this out bc i don't want my face on the internet but unpictured is him standing horizontally against the chair#and basically laying across my shoulders and kicking his neck back like that#YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE LITTLE SPOTS WHERE HIS TEETH POKE OUT BC THEY'RE TOO BIG FOR HIS DAMN MOUTH#he LOVES to sit and watch movies w me but i don't have a couch and the chair is sort of awkward for him#so to think that one day i will be in my own apartment watching a movie on a comfy couch with this thing crawling all over me....#it'll be hard but if i get to see him like this all the time maybe it'll all be worth it#ive noticed i have a hard time sharing happy things bc im worried people will hold them against me when i become not so happy#so when i have my 30th depressive spiral of the week in like 12 hours nobody is allowed to use this post to invalidate my drama ok#not that i think anyone would but still#just bc i am happy now does not mean i will be happy tomorrow and im trying to learn how to recognize when i feel happy#but it always comes w a little hint of ''people will use this against you''#and for me remembering that i was once very happy and will be happy again does NOT make me feel better#bc who gives a shit if i was once happy and will be again! i feel like shit rn and i WILL AGAIN#anyway. i DONT feel like shit rn but you get the metaphor#edge of sleep. cool movie. my cat rubbed all over me. AND i don't have to work tomorrow#AND i wrote my cover letter today#anyway nite nite
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Mom called me a shitty roommate today bc after months of her telling me to rent a uhaul (too young to do so) and then flaking out on me whenever I asked her if we could it on x day, I gave up on trying to get my bf's heavy TV and dresser and ordered a mountable tv, instead of buying more storage totes so that I could add to the ever increasing stack of totes in our guest bedroom
#leading up to and since raine moved in i have thrown tons of shit away and so has he#we both moved from larger rooms into a smaller shared room#meanwhile my parents moved into a bigger room with a bigger closet and claimed the garage for storage space#i have several decorative items that would look cute out in the livingroom without clashing with her style#but she considers all my items ''clutter'' so i have to keep them in my room or in a tote#except all my totes are already occupied by other shit#i threw away 90% of my friends items that i was storing here in an effort to make my room tidier#(and to ensure that my items are not littered around the livingroom and kitchen)#i got a bed frame with drawers so i could store items in there#i am not a horder and neither is raine but we have to condense two peoples worth of things into one room and two closets#and like i said before we both had bigger rooms before moving to this house#my room was way larger before. even with my giant ass desk (that doesnt fit in my room) my old room#didnt look cluttered bc it had lots of open space. even tho that was a 2 bedroom apartment#and this is a 3 bedroom duplex with garage the square footage in this house was budgeted poorly#my hallway is literally a snail spiral shape so a lot of space is lost to the curvature#not to mention my parents have bought more shit than we had at the old place to fill up space that we all shared in our old apt#except i am going to mention it bc i think this is totally unfair#i get that my mom has never liked when my room is messy. she's my mom and she is going to nag#but she does not have to use my room or bathroom (she has her own. thats bigger than mine)#and i keep my bathroom clean for guests#and she has made it clear that she is unwilling to help me even when i ask and tried to plan out ways to cheaply get more furniture#raine has had tote boxes in his car since he moved in bc he knows that we dont have a place for them inside#not to mention several collectable swords (including limited edition skyrim sword and genuine damascus)#which is kind of a fucking road safety hazard since they are real blades#but he puts up with it bc he doesnt want to add to the clutter#i bought this tv and wall mount bc i know that as long as my tv is grounded to a dresser i cant rearrange my room to make more space in here#and im donating my current tv to the guest bedroom bc they wont buy one for it#they also wont buy a dresser for it which is why my mom was hounding me to rent a uhaul for raines dresser#(i cannot stress this enough. we are both TWENTY. how are we going to rent a car. we need older adult help!!!)
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I have crawled out of my "only doing art studies pit" to craft a piece so full of love, and I shall now post that piece before once again disappearing to cry over anatomy
#simon says#i shit you not I dont think I've loved a piece so much before#it's like#i hand crafted this piece out of love for myself and no one else and it brings me such joy#and it's gonna be weird as fuck#i shit you not you're gonna think im joking after I do the alt text and post this one#you're gonna think 'haha what a funny joke they made' NO#this is SERIOUS#I made this piece with every single bone in my body and every ounce of love I possess to make myself happy#in the span of two days#forcing myself out of my comfort zone multiple times in the process#and learning so much#and I guarantee people will think it is a joke and that all of this is ironic#it is not#none of what my next post will be is ironic#i am just putting that out there now#i know as an artist one will interpret my art in their own unique way based off their experiences#and I have no control over that#nor do I want to#but I do want to put my own personal intentions loud and clear here#the meaning of the piece is very personal and I shant share it lest it ruin the viewer's experience with it#but I do want to make it clear that none of this is going to be ironic
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i opened ibispaint and didnt realize i did a drawinf last night and saw this and. i kind of fw it ?!?!?!?!?!
like how do half my nicest sketches come from when im half asleep 😞
#art#urm#sketch#ish#yes????#my phome says i spemt an hour on it but i fell asleep with my phone on HELP#urgh#oh he makes me feel so ill#rip paul morel you wouldve loved that one episode of doctor who with van gogh (ive never watched doctor who)#this film is so bad . but i love it#the book however is gorgeous#like#dh lawrence had writing skill as much as some people dont like him#my icon#my idol tbh.#and ik sons and lovers fandom doesn't exist but#spreading the word!#dh lawrence#paul morel#sons and lovers#sons and lovers 1960#pls watch 🙁 arguably THE worst film ive watched but#i love the story#rlly wanna watch the 2003 film too but we cant all get what we want#Sorry . yap fest OVERRRR#this is kind of shit i just wanna spread my love for sons and lovers 😞😞😞I CAMT STOP DRAWING PAUL#screams#hate sharing my art but#its worth it for paul
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mwah :]
more poppyganda for the @bug-oc tournament! poppy is a true gentleman and working hard to uphold that title, so why not vote for him HERE to let him advance to round 3? and if you don't care for poppy much, still consider voting for him as this is my FOURTH propaganda post in this tournament already. i care about my firefly man so much!! #POPPYSWEEP !!
#bug fables#bug fables oc#my ocs#poppy#art tag#pleaaase please please please. if he gets more votes im gonna make a lore post abt him#he has some. really dark secrets that im willing to reveal for propaganda purposes. sorry poppy#but this man has some LORE. i just didnt want to put it all in his description#i didnt want to be one of the people with 10 paragraph descriptions bc i know most people dont read that shit if its more than 1 paragraph#but good LORD does poppy has a rich eventful backstory. yes it includes cannibalism. whatever#and ill share it. if he gets more votes. thats me bribing you. pretty please?
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hello motherf uckers i will realize my dreams someday because i have to
#bitch !!!!#you will enjoy my fucking oc if its the last thing i do or you do its doesnt matter dont worry about it#im gonna do aomething someday because i would like to really badly share my passion withyou vry badly and real#fw me#i reallly badly would like people to see the potential my coolness of ocs and what great ideas i have because they are the best ToMe#and they would be the best#i want to make something#the likes of myy artistic heroes i got dat cool shit too i got da swag just no commitment to Working for it that people Realize mey shit is#swahg
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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sorry if ive made this exact post before i love metablogging when i have nothing else to say. funny that i gave myself permission to talk and express myself on my main account yet i continue to basically only talk in my personal blog rambling hole, i think i realized a while back that mostly its just my friends that care about my posts/interact with me so posting where theyre concentrated is i guess more efficient and less embarrassing
#getting over my attention seeking complexes?!?#well redirecting them in a way that makes more sense and causes me less stress ig#i wanted to revive this blog since i missed having a 'public face' but it turns out i dont have shit to say#i rarely draw and i dont often have lore im willing to publically share#i dont have any 'takes' that people other than me have said better#uhhh#media blogging has always been appealing to me but i dont think i like doing it either#again feeling like i dont have anything unique to say + my attachments to stuff are always really stupid and personal#i guess i just dont really feel like i need to have those expressed/validated online i got my own little world already#and im also not going to whine about my stupid life and daily routine here since#idk how to separate what people find illuminating/interesting vs whats just kind of whiny and doesnt even communicate much#again not worth it when i feel like im pretty satisfief with expressing/dealing with those things more privately#rambling... well enjoy
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