#I dont want to talk about that trauma to my thousands of followers in a way they can reblog it and share it around

[deoidesign]

Happy EDS awareness month!

I'm a webcomic artist with EDS. be aware.

EDS affects many parts of my life. I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and I need to use a cane! I often find myself ruminating on themes of chronic illness in my work, whether or not I am intending to include them.

I already can't paint anymore, it hurts my hands too much... Anything that requires small details or precise motions will hurt me for days. I have a lot of grief around it. But working digitally allows me to still create!

I animate, I illustrate, I get to tell my stories. I have to go slow, take huge breaks (often against my will) and recover slowly. But, working in this space allows me the grace to do this.

So, I just wanted to share a bit of my experience with my audience, and say thank you for reading my work and supporting me! It means the world to me, and I hope maybe someone in my audience feels a little more seen through me sharing this. It causes me pain, but I love myself; and that includes my disability.

[cosmossystem]

on the topic of "sysmeds* have gotten louder recently" i just want to ramble and give my optimist perspective on it really because i dont think its the full story. (*and if you have a problem with me using that term, stick around and youll see why i use it.)

for context i formed as a fictive alter in about mid to late 2016. we were going through a lot of rapid splits and shutdowns at this time. many of the people who split would get forcibly dormant just days later, including me, and im lucky that i got out of it because i know a lot of those alters back then didnt. normally i wouldnt call all of us alters, but this was a very trauma-heavy time and we were going through heavily fragmented periods with dissociation and amnesia. we couldnt accept that we were plural.

anyway, point is that we were in plural spaces around then, and i took over as the host in december of that year as i broke up with my shitty in-system persecutor boyfriend (thats a story for a different day.)

so its 2017 and im 12, turning 13 soon, both inner and outer. we are a rapidly growing system of 13, no 20, no 41-- and then soon its back down to about 30, where it will stay for the next 8 years. but in the mean time, me and my new partner, jam, are learning to pilot a flesh-mech on the fly and letting ourselves be cringy tweenagers. we take over the tumblr blogs (most of which are anti-cgl blogs, which is very ironic considering some of our members now do that) and we start journalling. more importantly, in late 2017 i make my own blog and i start chatting. im basically the only person fronting about 70% of the time and im a huge yapper so it starts to take off.

i post art. i wont say what specifically i do or what fandom its for but the gist is that i run a requests blog. (im sure, if you were in a very specific sect of fandom around then, you could probably guess who i am and what blog i ran, but i doubt that will happen here. if it does, keep it to yourself.)

and i get really popular. im talkin hundreds, at one point thousands of followers. i wake up every day to a dozen asks and i fulfill them and i talk about my day with the people in my askbox. i tell them about my disability, about my boyfriends (later, husbands), and i tell them about my plurality. sometimes i get into the weeds of discourse, but i try not to. mind you, im about 13 or 14 and im the staunchest pro-queer, pro-endo, pro-tucute tween you would have ever met. still not quite all there on the pro-kink or pro-ship fronts, but that didnt cause me any issues at that point, and i wouldnt figure it out for another two or so years. anyway, people are usually nice to me and i am nice, if not a bit impassioned, back.

most of the people i speak to on this blog are singlets. but being that this particular fandom is mostly made of younger people like me (at this point anyway) many of them are curious about plurality or plural themselves. funny enough, while i remember discussing a lot of my plurality and explaining what it meant, i dont recall a whole lot of people arguing over it. no one ever sent me anon hate saying that i didnt exist and that didosddsdosod was the only way to be plural. i DO recall getting dogpiled on numerous occasions because this was during the height of ace discourse, mogai drama, and right at the rise of the whole "bi-lesbians-dont-exist" thing, so most of my controversy covered those.

but on several occasions i explained to singlets what a system was, and what it meant that i was "married" to my headmates, and i met so many people who said they were also plural, and i even helped a few realize they were plural. i truly look at that with a sense of pride and joy because how many people get to say they helped someone realize an important aspect of themself/ves? how many people are out there living their life as single when theyre actually more than one? how many didnt know that word existed until a stranger happily explained it to them, before realizing that word applied to them? its one thing to be gay and know youre gay, its another to go your entire life without realizing that being gay is an option until one day it dawns on you and the next youre out and proud. being plural is like that. its world-altering. most dont realize its an option until theyre told.

its not necessarily that system spaces didnt have their problems. from singlets, there was more curiosity. system spaces were still very much divided, but for the most part sysmeds stuck to their corner and mostly only argued when argued with. that word, mind you, did not exist at the time, we just called em "anti endos". i dont remember when or how that term was coined, but theres a good reason we call them that now, and its because they would say the same shit to me that transmeds would. regardless, i dont doubt that there were probably issues of them going out of their way to harass people, but i cant recall any and it never happened to us, so make of that what you will.

in those times, i experienced more transphobia, homophobia, and aphobia than i did anything else. when i did see sysmeds, it was in their own little bubble. i think the broader world didnt care so much about plurality and didnt know that sysmedicalism was a thing that could happen until maybe a couple of years ago now, and back then, it was treated purely with curiosity and intrigue instead of hate.

but "system spaces" have always had an anti-endo side, and i know this because i was one.

i havent said as much up until now, but in those early days of journaling, it was maybe for a year or so that we were anti-endo. couldnt tell you what changed really, but i think it was just a growing exhaustion of hearing about how terrible and awful and cruel and disgusting those evil, evil endos were. a lot of sysmeds like to proclaim their 'one true real genuine method' of being plural is the only one, and since the start we were never going to fit into that mold-- we were and are fictive heavy, in-system relationships, able to change forms in headspace, no dissociative amnesia, very little memory loss and practically no multi-consciousness, the works. but it was there and it wasnt very pretty. i am grateful i didnt internalize too much of it, didnt spread it very much, and we got out when we did because it was toxic enough back then and its worse now.

i should say that i dont think necessarily there is a rise in sysmedicalism similar to, say, the trend of label policing (a la bi lesbians) or ace discourse at its peak. while that does happen with minority labels when theyre suddenly thrust into the spotlight of the week, plurality has not had that moment yet (thank god, knock on wood it never does) and so far the only way this has happened is with a few isolated incidents that i know of, maybe im wrong. but i think its moreso that the plural community has grown to crazy heights with the rise of more people discovering it and understanding themselves, and naturally there would be a proportional rise in sysmedicalism too. the only main difference maybe is now that we have bigger platforms like tiktok and twitter, and we have prominent plural resources like pluralkit and simply plural, and with the rise in political unrest-- all of those things contribute to this rise in sysmedicalism. they have more visibility and a loud voice despite being the minority, and so they get their fifteen seconds of fame.

i guess i get it. theyre angry. theyre upset that the world is injust. they think theyre allowed-- encouraged, even, or that its their right-- to come into a community that has been building itself for the past several decades on inclusion and resource-sharing and cause a commotion. they have a disorder, they have trauma, they DESERVE to be listened to and they dont want to see their very debilitating disorder being mocked like this, or whatever it is they say. unfortunately they are the terfs of this community, and i can say that because ive been dealing with those too for the past decade also.

what im trying to get across is this: plurals have existed forever. this community has existed for decades at this point, maybe centuries. with every progressive movement there will be a counter-movement, and this one is no exception, they just happen to be particularly loud right now. as we grow in numbers, so does our visibility, and so does theirs. the plural community is fine. it continue to be fine. there is nothing happening right now to us that hasnt already happened a billion times before, and there is no sysmedicalist piece of shit on this planet that can destroy us. theyve been trying for as long as weve existed and they never succeed. keep going, keep telling people about us, keep existing and keep doing your best. be louder than them.

red

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel reallllllly bad abt this

so some backstory my bf plays a lot of military video games (war thunder esp thats his fave) and loves military boats and planes and wants to go into the military via an academy.

i have a complicated relationship w the military and military men. a lot of the men in my family (my grandfathers, uncles, cousins etc) were at one point in the military and it didnt go well for any of them. they all have major issues cause of their service. my grandfather developed a drinking problem after vietnam, my great uncle extreme PTSD after fighting in Iraq and all have or had been abandoned by the govt esp my uncles. so needless to say i have a weird relationship w the us govt and military systems.

so my bf wants to go into the military and while im well aware that high school sweethearts usually dont work out weve been dating for over 3 years straight and bros been talking abt marriage lately so i kinda have a feeling well last so his military dreams scare the SHIT out of me. not just the possibility of having him come back in a casket, or not coming back at all but him coming back so different, angry/violent or a drunk or an addict or sick or all of the above. i want him to be happy but i dont want him to come back blown to bits or missing limbs.

hes one of those people who wants to do it for the glory. the love of country the idea of coming back a hero. the way the current politics are going in america were probably gonna have a huge war soon maybe even on 2 fronts, WWIII. that scares me too just in general and add someone i love so much so far for so long going years w/o seeing him, sometimes not knowing if hes dead or alive. scares me but thats so selfish. thats my problem im so selfish about it. ive told him my concerns and it makes me feel like a bad person cause ik he wants this pretty bad tho he did say if he doesnt get into an academy he wont enlist hell go somewhere else for engineering and work for the govt that way. but i just feel so selfish. i want him to be happy but i also want him alive and safe.

also while im being honest here i really dont think hes military material. hes not very uh fit (i doubt hed pass the physical test), his grades r pretty average the academies r really hard to get into, hes EXTREMELY stubborn which the military would not at all approve of he only does one extracurricular, and he has some other problems i wont mention that wouldnt go well in the military. so his chances at an academy arent very high but just enough to scare me.

and i know its selfish which is why i feel so bad about it. its so complicated. on one hand i really dont want him to go and i just want him to consider the pros and cons, he has a very video game propaganda-y watered down "glory" view of the military that they can do no wrong and i know the other end the trauma, the abandonment, the fear, ive heard the stories the stories of men watching each other get blown up, watching civilians struggle to breathe cause of the chemicals we used, my grandfather had to watch his best friend get his legs blown off. the coming back different, changed and not for the better. sure the glorys nice the honor is amazing but at what cost? i have relatives who have purple hearts and were abandoned by the system that gave it to them. on the other hand tho i know its so selfish to not want him to follow what he wants to do. to tell him he shouldnt, that its a bad idea, that its not worth it, that the risk isnt worth the possible reward, to think abt how once u sign on that dotted line u cant quit till ur contract is up. im gonna follow my dreams of being an artist so why should i let him follow his?

i feel so conflicted abt it. i cant tell where the line between caring and selfishness is. i feel guilty and selfish and scared all at the same time. i hope and pray he changes his mind but i know i cant make him no matter how many times i not so subtly mention the possiblity of death, disability, PTSD the thousands of things that can go wrong. i feel so selfish but i cant help my fear. i think i care too much. thats my problem. i care too much abt his physical safety i overlook his happiness. i apologized to him abt my selfishness over this like a half hour ago and havent heard back.

[beans-in-your-socks]

Good Omens S2 Ending Theories: an analysis.

ok so in the aftermath of good omens s2 lots of theories have risen about Aziraphales choices and his out of character behaivour.

i will be discussing my takes on the following theories:

The Coffee theory + book of life theory

The Lie theory

Religious Trauma theory

The Last Resort theory (my own theory)

(Please feel free to make any corrections if i get any information wrong)

Starting with the coffee theory:

(i may be wrong here, this is what i have heard, i am still currently reading "the magic trick you didn't see" essay) the coffee theory :

This theory basically goes off the idea that The Metatron has laced the coffee with some sort of poison or miracle so that Aziraphale would be compliment with him and go back to heaven. there's another theory that sort of ties in with this, in that, The Metatron is meddling with the book of life.

what we know:

Poison affects celestial beings very differently than it does to humans (as seen in the flashback where Crowley chuggs a bottle of Laudanum, a very strong painkiller, which can be toxic if taken in large amounts. Usually, for humans, an overdose on Laudanum would result in a coma or loss of consciousness whereas, Crowley got high as a kite, shrunk, grew and went a little off his rocker.

The Coffe had Almond syrup

almonds symbolise Holiness and Purity

whether this a metaphor or The Metatron being evil, we cant know

he was extremely forceful in trying to get Azi to drink the coffee, as seen in the quote "are you going to drink it?"

his voice was welcoming yet there was a slight undertone of malice

when he orders the Coffee he asks for a dash of Almond Syrup, which is like very small amount but when he hands it to Aziraphale he says it has a "hefty jigger" of almond syrup, which is drastically larger than a "dash"

"do people ever ask for death" what kind of a questions is that? its so suspicous

we all know how good Neil is at adding the little details, so why else would he include the whole coffee scene and concept?

My thoughts: i think the coffe theory could be a plausible explanation of the last events of ep6. Azira's behaviour was erratic and out of character. we ALL knew something was up when he said "Nothing lasts forever". this bitch has been wearing the same outfit for 100 years.

he also intially said he doesnt want to go back to hevean, but as he drunk more coffee he became more compliment with the idea of him leading the angels.

theres also something so deeply unsettling about the elevator scene. he's smiling, almost manically. Azira was NEVER power hungry, so him taking the job as supreme archangel, without another thought, doesn't make much sense.

i will probably add more to this but that's it for now.

The Lie theory:

the lie theory states that The Metatron never said that Crowley could become and angel again, and that Aziraphale made this up so that he would feel less guilty about leaving Crowley behind, because he knew that Crowley would never, under any circumstance, come back to hevean.

frankly, this theory makes no sense. if this was the case, Metatron's whole chunk of dialogue after Crowley leaves would be unnecessary and unjustified.

he says "how did he take it?" as if asking if Crowley was coming back

"he always did want to go his own way" implying that the offer of coming back to hevean did exist and that he just declined

"always asking damn fool questions too" talking about Crowley's fall from hevean

i, personally dont think the lie theory is a justifiable explanation for the s2 ending.

The Religous Trauma theory:

probably one of the most justifable theories, the religious trauma theory is that Aziraphale has been so brainwashed by thousands of years worth of manipulation from heaven, that he just cant see how toxic they are. he desperately wants to believe they can do good, and that he can lead the good. he wants to "fix" the system, when in reality, the system is working exactly how it was built and should be demolished, not fixed, because there's nothing to fix.

this makes a lot of sense, although it still doesn't explain the emphasis put on the coffee.

so

i present:

The Last Resort theory.

a theory of my own creation, the last resort theory is a sort of combination of the Coffee Theory and the Religious Trauma Theory. (Similar theories probably already exist but here's mine)

The Metatron knew that Azira would never leave Crowley, but he did know that Aziraphale would take the chance to "fix" heaven. he knew that manipulation alone wouldn't be enough, he's smart, and so had to add that extra cherry on top, a "class A, surreptitious half a miracle". in the last resort theory, Metatron has laced the coffee in some way to tip Aziraphale over the edge, because he knew that the offer of bringing him and Crowley back heaven would be almost enough to destroy humanity once and for all. The Metatron spiked the coffee as a last resort to tempt Aziraphale back upstairs and destroy the earth. he knows that if Azira stays with Crowley they will find a way to stop the second coming, which he cannot have happening, he needs for them to be separated for this to work. its obvious he hates Crowley, he gives him dirty looks and insults him after the confession, by bringing up one of the most painful experiences of his past, the fall. so he separates them, and that leaves us at our end.

Aziraphale smiling insanely in the elevator

and Crowley crying silently and internally in his Bentley.

what are everyone else theories?

[sithisreadingcorner]

🪬🧿

Hello I’m following I liked and rebloged both your reading posts. I’m Sol. And my birthday is July 3, 1999. So it’s tomorrow as I’m typing this as of now!

My question is how does my younger self feel about me? I have a lot of trauma from that age and I want to know how my younger self is feeling. If you can’t tell how she feels about me, can I get a message from her please?

Thank you in advance I’ll leave feedback!

Hello Sol and welcome! I hope you had a very very happy birthday, and please enjoy your extra detailed birthday reading! I got you a mix of several decks, and the number five felt just right.

the emperor. the empty reversed. hope reversed. star. simikiel (the angel of vengeance)

You know, sometimes the thing that the asker asks, or the way they ask it, reveals so much about their situation - not even in a spiritual way, but in a mundane intuition kind of way; but sometimes I only notice the details in hindsight when I have already laid out the cards. It did strike me odd that you would ask me to speak on your inner child's behalf, since you know her like a thousand times more than I do. But once I laid out the cards, it all made perfect sense to me. 😳

I would think that you and your young self either don't communicate with each other at all and you dont know how to reach them, or you are quite at odds with each other and you dont know how to reach them in the more metaphorical sense. And the reason for that is that there is so, so, so much anger in there, that it's kind of scary. So you are either trying to block it out because this is not something that you want to identify with, or you are trying to connect but you are only met with ferocious hatred. 😔

And you know I'm not a therapist but I will explain what I think the cards mean and then think about it whether it's true, and preferably talk it over an actual therapist as well. The thing about your younger self is that she is still in there, frozen in time, and she hasnt made a lot of progress about anything, even though YOU probably have made at least some. That little kid, who is in there, was absolutely, horrendously betrayed by a world that she had the right to think was just, at that time (even though sometimes it isn't). And she has a ton of righteous anger about that, but nowhere to go and nothing to do with it. So it's kind of like a closed valve that is building up pressure.

I want you to remember that this kid was (and maybe in a way perpetually is) going through something really horrible and there is only one person who can help them. It's you. And if somewhere deep down you feel like she would say "I hate everything and ESPECIALLY you" then I need you to know what she really means is "Please help me." She just doesnt really know how to say that.

The angelarium deck I use very little, almost never, because whatever it says it always does in the most confusing way possible, but sometimes I do take it out when I have a feeling the reading is gonna be intense and it really was. Take this from the booklet:

[...] It is the way of Simikiel’s sword, cutting in both directions.

While we will gird our fragile hearts against be­ing hurt, pain will make its attempts on us by any means necessary. It is in our soul to survive at all cost, even if it means violence. [...]

What I think scares you about anger is what you think it can do. But anger in itself doesnt really do anything, it's just an emotion. It's okay for anger to exist, and it has a right to. And the anger that is being stifled and squashed down, will always consume you. I mean this not just metaphorically but in the literal, physical sense too. Those are never completely separate.

The emperor card was really unique because i think that even though your younger self really despises the abuser, shes also like… still stuck in the stage where she identifies with what her abuser said/how they made her feel. You know, she's just a kid and that's how she was taught. Thats maybe something to think about, is that true and if yes than how to help it.

I don't feel confident advising anything on how to do that (yknow, not mental health advice) but I wanted to point out the Star card as a really good sign for you from an otherwise pretty drastic deck. This is not tarot, it's from the Deck of Many Things. Namely:

STAR: Immediately gain a +2 to one ability score.

I can't stress enough how little likely it is to get something so simple and positive with no repercussions or strings attached, so we have that going for you already. But what I'm thinking is maybe it's also trying to say that you are trying to take on too much of this work at once. Maybe try to focus on improving just one thing and open up your horizon gradually!

That would be it Sol. I really hope this could help a little, and either way I hope the best for you in your healing! 💜

july readings (3 of 5)

tips? 💗

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

It over a year and i still cant believe the girls went for plan: lets move every citizen to Vacuo without any food, any water, any housing, instead of plan: talking to James? Like yo maybe lets not aim for space, lets aim for Argus or Vacuo! Lets try to take as many people as we can and then lets get the fuck out of here, ay? Or you know if they wanted to stand their ground do that and let Altas + all the people who evacuated already flee. That would have been actually an interesting volume. Them defending Mantle on their own and seeing Salem pass over them because she wants atlas and the girls trying to get there first or help it. Also would have loved if they discussed the difference of wanting to protect people vs wanting to protect the relic. Because in this situation you couldnt had both, like we saw Salem got the relic. But the show dont really touch on that.

Hey anon! Trust me I cannot believe the show decided to go with that either it is honestly kind of insane when you think about it. The girls really went, "I know we don't have a plan and Salem is coming and everyone is exhausted after dealing with all of the Grimm that came thanks to Jacques BUT we don't like your plan and we're going to literally sabotage it and commit mutiny over it and THEN we'll start crying uncontrollably when we realize how hard this is." And then went BRILLIANT. Like my gosh another friend and I actually discussed how cool this premise would be, letting Atlas flee and Ruby having to lead the remaining civilians to like Argus or something and playing a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Salem goes after Atlas and she sends Grimm and such after the civilians. It could have been a great volume filled with tension as Ruby is forced to put her leadership skills to the ultimate test and try to lead thousands of terrified and confused people to safety (or just protecting them in Mantle) and discovering how difficult it is and being forced to face the fact that nothing she does will please.....anyone. And no matter what people will be angry and blame her even though she is just trying to do what she thinks is best and realize some people just don't care but she pushes through and keeps going and proves herself as a leader. It could have actually made the mains the main heroes AND culled the cast some to make a more manageable cast to follow.

In regards to the whole RWBY vs James thing. I think saying protecting people vs protecting the relics is a little too simplistic of the bigger picture. What's really happening in RWBY is looking at keeping people alive short term while James is thinking about keeping people alive long term. In his mind saving all of Mantle will be pointless if Salem gets all the relics and ends the world. And currently after Atlas, Salem in essence has control of three of the relics because with the lamp she can easily get the third relic and with the three relics taking Vacuo's relic will be Childs play. James does not want to have the world find itself in a satiation with the ultimate bad guys having control of arguably the most powerful relic that she can use to destroy Vacuo. I know the show insists she can't with words but with what we've seen the staff do....that limitation realistically does not exist, and the relics have not been created with any desire to do what they can to limit themselves in usefulness with Salem or her people so that's not even really an argument. Ruby on the other hand (fueled in my headcannons by trauma from Beacon) can't stand the thought of losing anyone and focuses on short term keeping people alive. That is the crux of it, Ruby still has hope and believes that love can win out, while James has been broken down and hardened by the war against Salem and doesn't think it is possible to get the relics and all of Mantle and Atlas to safety. He feels like he has no choice but to well chose, and in his mind, ensuring the entire world survives is more important then the few. It's certainly dark and sounds awful but sometimes those difficult choices just....have to be made. But we could have had a volume of Ruby restoring faith and hope and finding a realistic way of saving both all of the civilians and the relics. But the show couldn't be bothered to come up with something so they went with "Make James evil" and hope no one notices how nonsensical it all becomes.

I want to believe and be rooting for the main characters, but with RWBY as is right now....I just can't. The show is to lazy to properly build all of this up and just rushes through it, logic be damned and it badly hurts the show in the long run and forces them into these ridiculous corners they have to try and find their way out of.

[heavenaintaniceplace]

so i found my mother’s copy of the jw (new world translation) bible and i decided to yoink that shit for disposal but not before i realized there is a lot of lines highlighted in the book from when she was being manipulated by the jw lady that convinced her to do “bible study” for years. and what do you know if the lines the lady had my mother highlight weren’t the same lines that jws use to justify their cult beliefs! all the lines are cherry picked, no actual study, just the lady manipulating and priming her to accept their beliefs by presenting so called “biblical proof.” so here is some of the things that stand out before i finally rip this thing to shreds and through it away.

literally the whole book replaces every instance of the tetagrammaton with “jehovah” because they want people to believe its been “removed from the bible thousands of times because they don’t want you to know the true name of god”. the whole thing is translated with an agenda to make them look right and everyone else wrong and to make people believe they have some secret hidden knowledge (they don’t they’re liars). putting this under a read more because its very long.

heavy TW for everything related ro religious trauma, the jehovah’s witnesses, bible passages and christianity. incredibly long post. i plan on burning the jehovah’s witness copy of the bible, no joke.

the imago dei part of genesis to try and convince her that humans were super special to god

genesis chapter 3, the serpent convincing eve to eat the fruit of knowledge so that she would accept their version of the original sin doctrine and that women are cursed

chapter where cain kills abel to convince her that this was the first murder in human history (obviously incorrect)

highlighted the part where god kills everything on earth with a flood to groom her into expecting god to do it again later and seen as fair and just and part where god “gives” noah every living creature (because fuck other organisms apparently)

part of leviticus where (in their version) theyre like “no soul must eat blood” (what the fuck) to justify not allowing life saving blood transfusions

deuteronomy part about “jehovah being one” to justify being non trinitarian (they don’t believe jesus is god or that the holy spirit is god, this is meant to lure people who are already christians away from their denoms and into theirs)

“thou shall not kill” is highlighted for some reason and i don’t know why

highlighted job 1:12 to emphasize that they believe satan is in control of the world because god allows it and job 26:7 that has a note saying “the earth hangs there” when talking about sheol to convince her of where earth is relative to “heaven” and using a bunch of “face of the waters” creationist language to make it vague as possible. job 27:5 to make her believe that “no one is righteous” and that saying so is sinful

part in psalms that assures that “wicked people will be no more if you just wait a little while longer” (this is the apocalypse imminent narrative they use to groom people with fear of dying or leaving but also to get them warmed up to the idea of mass death). “the righteous will inherit the earth and live forever” narrative so they believe that jws will live on earth forever after being resurrected while everyone else (whos not a jw) is killed by god

psalms 91 to drive home the fact that these people think theyre invincible in every meaning of the word, to natural disasters and disease etc

proverbs 6 part about “false witnesses”. jws believe that three jehovah’s witnesses have to be present to verify that a crime (like domestic or sexual abuse) actually happened or the governing body and elders don’t care. literally. the “false witness” narrative is used against survivors and people they want to silence in their organization and emphasizes how much jehovah hates “false witnesses” aka people brave enough to talk and victims

proverbs 12:18 about “wise and unwise tongues”, basically anyone that speaks out against the jws are “unwise” and harmful

proverbs 22 about raising children (”train up a child”, if you don’t know it already this is a child abuser dog whistle) that implies that indoctrination will last until adulthood if done right. this is especially bad because this copy is from the early 2000s when i was in kindergarten. this woman had been lurking on us since i was an infant.

proverbs 27 about how neighbors near is better than brothers far away. the implication here is that fundamentally family who aren’t jws don’t matter

ecclesiates 5. i genuinely think its warning people to not ask too much of god or risk his anger, thats the vibe im getting here because the wording is confusing as fuck

isiah 40:22 trying to hammer in the notion that god is greater than anything especially “worldly” governments (except the governing body ofc /s). isiah 43:10 the “you are my witnesses” to justify the name “jehovah’s witnesses” and shoehorn the idea in

daniel 2:40, the idea of an indescribable kingdom, the whole kingdoms in the “last days” conspiracy they use to convince people the “last days” are coming

matthew 4:8 where jesus is persuaded by satan by offering every kingdom on earth. the point in text is “don’t worship anyone except god” but the point of the jws is that nothing on earth actually matters

matthew 6:9 (nice), the our father, meant to make the reader to ask god to hasten the kingdom of god or as we ex-jws know hasten the apocalypse and the death of people they dont like

matthew 16:24, meant to convince people to leave everything behind and join the jws, “disown yourself” aka “die to yourself” toxic bullshit repackaged

matthew 19:9, to convince people that divorce even in instances of domestic abuse is wrong because the governing body won’t allow it and loves to control women

matthew 24:4-14, “anyone who doesnt speak for the jws is a false prophet” and warms people up to the notion that war is necessary; also that evidence of war is a sign of the “last days” and that this is supposed to be good news. ongoing war and the hope for global genocide is “good news” to them.

matthew 24:21. this one is meant to make people feel the apocalypse could happen at any time and to be afraid of it, a great war is coming and only the “chosen ones” (jehovah’s witnesses) will survive when everyone else dies. there’s a paper bookmark on this page. makes me wonder.

mark 8:34. the “die to yourself” bullshit, the idea that the cross was a “torture stake” because jws believe that wearing crosses is idolatry and they want other people to believe their quirky beliefs so they accept heavier things

matthew 10:28, “anyone who follows jehovah and jesus will literally live forever!” but also that “no one is prepared to leave their family for jesus and thats shameful because you should want to sacrifice your entire family!”

mark 11:24 “anything you pray for earnestly you get”. this is spiritual bypassing btw. and :25 “ask for forgiveness and be automatically forgiven no matter what you did” is also fucked

matthew 15-23: jesus (almost) gets wasted while being crucified etc, not sure why this one is highlighted unless im missing some jw bullshit here

luke 20:27. don’t understand this one but they’re threatening “heavier judgement” on people

john 5:28, promising resurrection through jesus after people die but only for the Good tm people (the jws)

john 6:15. how jesus is about to be arrested but goes to a mountain. dunno why this on is underlined

john 11:24. bringing home the same “jesus will save you from dying if youre a jw” bullshit. john 14:6 “jesus is the ONLY way ever! there can’t be anything else except jesus” indoctrination tailored to make you co-dependent. john 17:3, hook line and sinker of promising resurrection and “eternal life” again

john 17:15. here is the “we aren’t of the World tm” shit meant to make you feel outcast from everyone else who isnt a jw, setting up “the world” (everyone else) as other

acts 15:25. “follow the jw rules because the holy spirit you to”

romans 10:10, spread jw beliefs and witness as much as possible. romans 12:9 “hate everything jehovah hates so you’re not a hypocrite” basically means hate other people the jws don’t approve of

corinthians 6:9 (nice but not so nice this time) “anyone we don’t like won’t inherit the earth” translation: anyone we don’t like won’t survive the apocalypse thats definitely happening soon so always be afraid. “homosexuals” are changed to “men kept for unnatural purposes for this one.” still homophobic.

corinthians 7:6, the idea that everyone has a gift that needs to be exploited and used by the jws

corinthians 15:33. “don’t participate in any activities with any outsiders because it will lead you away from jehovah!! fun is ‘drunkenness’, you’ll loose your resurrection if you do!! non jw people are bad influences!!”

2 corinthians 7:1. your body and flesh is defiled, you need to be cleansed in order to be good

galatians 5:20. “having human emotions is sinful! struggling is sinful! being angry is sinful! having a bad day is sinful!” basically that being human is inherently wrong or something

ephesians  3:14. tries to make people believe everything is owed to god only and that obedience is good so they fall for cult power structures later. 4:28 here is just the top of the page being labeled “new personality” and thats all we need to know about indoctrination and cult personality vs actual personality. also “let not the sun set with you in a provoked state” being used against people still angry about being wronged and hurt by others and its been used against me a lot of times

ephesians 6:4. make sure the jw fathers provide the most discipline to children, literally uses the phrase “mental regulating of jehovah”. it couldn’t be more cult like at this point.

timothy 5:8 makes people believe that men alone are expected to provide and if they don’t they’re worse than “those without faith”. no pressure though!

timothy 6:19. wants people to neglect everything actually happening in favor of the “real life” (”eternal life”) instead and to constantly prepare for that instead of actually living life. dedicate your whole life to jw activities

titus 2. women need to be subjects to their husbands but also homemakers, live to glorify their husband, chaste and definitely not mentally ill or showing any symptoms. what the fuck is titus i never heard of this shit until today.

hebrews 1:7-14, trying to convince people that angels live to serve god but also has some superseccsionist/replacement theology (antisemitism) vibes going on

james 2:23, wants people to believe that god “putting people to the test” is actually a way to become “jehovah’s friend” and that being put to the test (read: suffering) is actually a good thing because it primes them to accept suffering as their fault later on. james 4:7 “everything evil will vanish if you rebuke it long enough!!”

peter 3:9 the “god’s timing is always right” gospel bs and encourages people not to do things themselves but to wait and also that jehovah will be on time when its time to start another global genocide. how encouraging! peter 3:13, the same “end of world near” scare tactic, “new heavens new earth” promise to eradicate everyone the jws dont like as that is jehvoah’s “promise” to the witnesses

1 john 3:8, their version of the original sin doctrine, the devil is the source of all evil scare tactic etc

short detour: every instance of “servant” is replaced with “slave” in this version. it makes me feel ill.

revelations 7:16, wants people to believe that god will take away all their pain and that they won’t need food or water to survive anymore (bullshit). also the jehovah’s witness 144,000 chosen people bullshit is here too but not highlighted

revelations 12:7-13, a depiction fo michael drop kicking satan and the implication that satan has always been in charge and not god because they want people to believe that. also that the devil will fall to earth and try to eat jws

revalations 14-4: virgins get dibs on heaven and god i guess. i dont know what the fuck is going on. 14:6 an angel yelling fear god from above, probably where the jws get most of their apocalyptic imagery from that they use to scare children into believing they could die at any minute

so now that we finally got to the end of that mess, their version of revalations ends with jesus saying “yes, i am coming quickly” and “may the undeserved kindness of jesus christ be with the holy ones.”

joking aside, everything highlighted in this copy of this book has been used against me and my mother for years and is a huge part of the reason i have religious trauma now. everything she was told or encouraged to highlight aided jehovah’s witness indoctrination and propaganda, her own indoctrination and eventually mine which apparently started even earlier than i thought.

[bbygrace]

some ‘essay’ on how ghosts portrays death and my predictions on how each ghost may have died

i did mention parts of this in a little rant i did a few weeks ago but i thought id put my thoughts and observations into a more cohesive form and seeing as in-depth english gcse level essays are becoming popular in the ghosts tag i thought i might as well join in

‘essay’ starts below the cut

i think that i might’ve mentioned before that ghosts does a very good job of making light of death, while also keeping the sadness and seriousness of it. the best example for this is probably pat’s death. pat’s entire concept as a basic form is comedic in itself: he is a scoutmaster who was accidentally shot dead by an 8 year old with an arrow. when we see his death play out in the show most peoples immediate reaction is to laugh. his death was humorous. the way he gets shot in the middle of talking about how dangerous archery can be, the way the kid who did it (keith) tried to cover it up by passing the bow to another scout, pat’s mumbling about getting one of the kids to drive him home as he fumbles to find his keys - these are all comedic elements of his death. it’s supposed to be funny. however, at the same time, his death is still sad, especially when you consider the fact that he died in front of a group of children. this is made even sadder when we see how much pat’s death affected keith even into his adulthood. while pat frantically searching for his keys with his massive keychains is funny, there was also the sad element to it which was the panic he was experiencing. he knew he was going to die, but he still had a little bit of hope that he could manage to get home and see carol one last time. there’s a perfect mix of both the light and dark of death. it’s funny because its a comedy show, but its also sad because its death, which is one of the major themes of the show. we know that pat’s death still negatively affected him. as far as we know, all the ghosts’ deaths affected them negatively (with the exception of some ghosts, specifically kitty, whose death hasn’t been explored in the slightest, so we dont know how it affected/affects her), some more than others. while pat was upset by his death and shows signs of trauma from it, he isn’t nearly as affected as mary, for example, perhaps because his death was relatively quick and/or because he just adapts and overcomes (most) things quickly. all the other ghosts’ deaths that we know of have been portrayed the same way as pat’s, with both the comedic and upsetting sides being shown. this reflects the way the ghosts themselves feel about death. they’ve all been dead for a long time, and having already experienced death, they’re no longer scared by it. they may be traumatised by it, but as it’s already happened and they’ve all experienced it, they can relate and unite over it. a few examples of when this is seen when they’re placing bets on whether a subject will stay or go and pat saying ‘i’m dead, you’ll be dead soon’. this suggests that they have a relatively light view of death as a whole concept, and the thing they’re sensitive to is their own particular deaths.

how the other ghosts’ deaths apply to this

thomas’ death was sad - the way he died alone, waiting for isabelle, the whole scandal with francis and the way he basically caused thomas to die and the fact that thomas went without knowing this for centuries. however, there were also comedic elements to his death, mostly centered around the circumstances surrounding the duel, like his awkwardness when challenging the officer to the duel, the way he (unknowingly) died partly because of mary shelley and the pigeon he shot and then proceeded to apologise to as he was dying. thomas’ death in itself - dying from being shot in a duel - isn’t exactly funny or ridiculous, but the circumstances surrounding it and the events leading up to it are. almost everything that led up to his death was humorous, mostly due to the way the other ghosts told it, his awkwardness and how different the reality of his death was to this false, dramatised version that he had made up to help him feel better about it, and to try and impress alison. the mood then gradually decreases until he actually dies and kitty says ‘he waited and waited, but she never came.’ we then end up at the lowest, saddest point of his demise - him dying alone, waiting for isabelle. it then rises again when we see thomas’ concerned reaction to becoming a ghost. the atmosphere flows from funny to serious very smoothly, and a lot of the time its a mixture of both.

as for fanny, the comedic aspect of her death was her catching her husband cheating and then being pushed out of the window with the rest of the ghosts watching it all go down. it’s a funny thing to picture. however, because it was a death, it was still sad. it still affected her negatively. she still kept george’s secret for all those years. she was murdered by her husband, someone who should’ve loved her and looked after her - she trusted him and he abused that trust. we see multiple times that she’s bitter over the fact that he cheated on her and she takes that out on other people, for example, she’s angry at the fact that the wedding is a lesbian wedding in s2e6. while this is partly due to her upbringing and the time she lived in, her views on homosexuality were also heavily affected by the fact she walked in on her husband cheating on her with two men. fanny’s acceptance that people should be allowed to love who they want after talking to humphrey is a huge development in her character and how she copes with her death. in the scenes during and following her conversation with humphrey, we see her death and the effects it had on her portrayed in the most serious way they had been so far. up until that point, her death was referenced almost purely comedically, with the sadder aspects being deeper within the writing. they become more apparent when really considering what that must have been like for her and when looking at how it affected her.

my predictions for the other ghosts’ deaths based on this

every example of a death we have seen so far has been ridiculous, funny or ironic in some way, whether that be the actual cause of death or the events leading up to it. because of this, i believe the rest of the ghosts’ deaths will have a comedic element to them.

starting with robin, i have no strong ideas on how he died. a lot of people seem to think that he was struck by lightning due to his powers. i think that this is a solid idea and i can see it working, but i think he also could have possibly died of a disease or by being crushed by something like a boulder or a mammoth or something. i don’t really know if his cause of death would be particularly funny, i think instead that his reaction and behaviour/events leading up to his demise will be the comedic aspect, with the sad part being that he was alone in death, with no one to talk to for thousands of years, as far as we know.

as for humphrey, once again i don’t think his actual cause of death would be the comedic part, unless it was botched by an inexperienced executioner maybe. i think he was probably executed for a humorous reason. he seems like he was probably a bit of a dick in life so i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case.

the same applies for mary - i think she was probably executed for a seemingly insignificant reason, because women could be accused of witchcraft for doing pretty much anything at the time. however, she is still deeply traumatised by her death and is only starting to come to terms with it, so i doubt her death would be particularly funny. her death in itself (being burnt at the stake) almost definitely won’t be the comedic part.

i’m almost certain kitty’s death was her sister’s fault. we know how poorly she treated her and we know that her death was caused by someone else. i think the sadder perspective of kitty’s death will be her naivety and trust that she had and still has for her sister, despite the awful mistreatment she received from her. she didn’t know she was being mistreated by her - she just thought that was the way all friends/sisters were and as long as she was making other people happy then she was happy too. i think she was most likely poisoned (which would explain the vomit thing that happens in s2e6) or she died from exposure to the elements due to being left outside, probably while playing a game. as we know next to nothing about how she died or how she feels about her death, i don’t know what could be funny about it, so i’m going to assume that it could also be related to her naivety and innocence, but in a different way. it may seem dark, but she probably died smiling, without really knowing what was going on. her reaction to her death and her attitude and behaviour leading up to it will most likely be comedic, unless she was murdered in an ironic or obscure way.

every time i try to even begin to figure out how the captain died i feel like clawing my brains out. i literally have no idea how he possibly could’ve died. perhaps his cause of death was unusual or interesting and that’s why its so hard to figure out - maybe it’s just incredibly obscure. i can see both the circumstances surrounding his death and the cause of his death having the possibility of being comedic. maybe his death was embarrassing and that’s why he hasn’t talked about it, because he’s ashamed and wants to pretend it didn’t happen. we know he does this already with his sexuality: he doesn’t want to think about it or acknowledge it so he pretends it doesn’t exist, because if it doesn’t exist then he doesn’t have to worry about it, and he could be doing the same thing in regards to his demise. tom kingsley, the director, said on twitter that his ribbons are upside down for a reason. i don’t know if this is related to his death or not, but my guesses are that it probably is as if they were applied long before his death he probably would’ve fixed them. my thoughts are that they were probably put on him either by himself as he was dying and they were put upside down by mistake and he didn’t have enough time to fix them/he wasn’t in a good enough state to put them on properly, or that they were put on his uniform by someone else. i think his death definitely will have a lot of sad tones to it, but i don’t think it’ll be entirely negative, especially considering how he acts under stress.

i don’t think i even have to talk about what the comedic aspect of julian’s death would be. this also makes it a little harder to figure out what the sad aspect of it was, apart from the fact he died. maybe it could be the way he was viewed by the public and the way he died before he could do anything to improve his image, but, judging by how he acts in death, he probably wouldn’t have even thought of trying to change for the better in his lifetime, but i could be wrong. the negative side of his death will probably be related to his public image and how he was the ideal ‘disgraced MP’ stereotype and that’s pretty much all he was known for. as for how he died, asphyxiation, heart attack or something drug-related seem to be the most plausible ideas.

i’m not really sure how this theory applies to the plague ghosts, i guess they’re some sort of exception. their deaths weren’t particularly comedic or sad. i can’t really see any way for their deaths to be written the same way the others are, as the way they died was very common and hard to make particularly funny or sad, especially both simultaneously.

conclusion

basically, i think death is portrayed and written very effectively in ghosts. the show lets you know that you’re allowed to laugh, it’s supposed to be funny. it’s a comedy show, after all, and these are fictional characters. at the same time, you’re being told you’re allowed to cry. the show is sad at times cough cough, s2e3, cough cough, because these characters have experienced sad things like the person they’re deeply in love with leaving them before they even have a chance to develop their relationship or make sense of their own feelings, most notably death. death is sad so of course that’s going to be conveyed in the show. it’s almost impossible to make a death not sad, especially considering the likeableness of most of the characters except julian. however, death can also be taken lightly in the context of the show as the whole point is that they’re dead, we wouldn’t have ghosts if they were alive. they died years before episode 1 took place. it’s already happened, but it hasn’t been dealt with completely, and thats where the sadness comes in. they’re still processing and dealing with the trauma that came with their deaths. both sides of the event are shown, because the characters feel both good and bad about their deaths. they feel bad about it because of everything they lost and the way they died and the circumstances of their deaths but they also have positive feelings surrounding their deaths because of the situation they’re currently in. they can kind of just do whatever they want (as far as their physical boundaries allow them to) without consequences, because what can happen? they’re dead! they also have bonds with each other and, now that alison and mike are there, they have something to keep them occupied and aware of how things have changed since they were alive. every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

[genshin-obsessed]

of course your writing can compare, pocket! Writing is subjective. There is no fact to writing. If there’s words on the page, and they make somebody feel something, that’s all that matters. And you have thousands of followers, so clearly, you’re making lots of “somebody”s feel lots of “something”s. Don’t feel discouraged. Everybody needs something different. For somebody, or lots of “somebody”s, your writing will be exactly what they need.

on that note, don’t feel pressured to write something for me if you don’t feel inspired. I want you to write something because you enjoy it. If that means writing for me, tahts all good. But that was something I wanted to point out.

and if you really don’t mind me going into my day a little bit more… the truth is I feel worthless and lonely today. I’ve been trying hard to make friends. But it’s difficult. I don’t really know what to expect. What I should be looking for. Trust and affection builds, and as you connect more with another person, they place more emphasis on you in their life. I have noboyd who does that for me except for myself. When I see that others don’t have to do that in all honesty, it makes me feel… worthless. Especially when I see them go towards those people instead of me and I can feel the dramatic dissonance between how I value them and how they value me. It’s unrealistic and unhealthy to expect things to go from one to a hundred, I know. But it still manages to hurt. I wish I was someone’s priority. And of course, this all comes from previous trauma. But these more minor situations always evoke it. But in any case. I need to go do homework, or else I wont get enough sleep.

-🐗boar anon

Adding ss in here for anyone who sees the middle ask you sent where you mentioned you were unsure about whether I could post this or not since I rarely post in order of asks received <3

So for the first part, thank you for such kind words, they mean a lot but no worries! I wasn’t being all that serious anyway! I was just joking but it was true to some extent. I think your writing is beautiful and I’m not sure whether that earlier ask was a joke or not, but you should 100% try writing if that’s something you like. You’re very good at it! And if you’re already a writer then I wish you well on your journey!! I’m sure you’ll have tons of followers soon SO DONT YOU BE FORGETTING ME WHEN YOURE FAMOUS >:0

And don’t worry, I do respond with my little drabble when I feel like it. Recently, the requests I have arent sparking any inspiration so I opt to do these instead! But don’t worry, I’m not ever pushing myself to respond when I do. I just wanted to but that time I couldn’t. No biggie ^w^

Now, for the second part, I’ll be more serious.

I want to preface the mess below by saying, I won’t tell you wanting friends is a waste of time. A lot of people make it seem like if you want friends you’re just looking for validation or something- no. That’s not true. Having people to connect with doesn’t mean we’re living life the wrong way or looking for the wrong things. It’s literally what we’re supposed to do as humans. Connect & interact, so what you’re reading below WILL NOT say what you want is bad, a waste of time, the wrong way to handle life, etc.

I understand. All of that, actually because I went through that as well. Friends are easy to come by, but to have that genuine friend- that best friend- those relationships are so hard to build. They’re sometimes very sensitive too, where they break super easily but take years to build up. That’s terrifying and a lot of people dont want to go through it. It makes sense, why spend years on a relationship when one stupid moment could ruin it all?

But you’re not alone, because I’ve been through similar situations. Most of my life was spent without friends. School was never a good place for friends for me. It’s one of the reasons I despise school with a passion. There was never even a social life there for me. I’m not sure what setting you’re in (whether it be school or a workplace) but regardless, feeling lonely is very possible.

When you’re younger and want friends, you’ll notice a lot of adults tell you friends don’t matter- especially high school friends bc “you won’t even know them when you’re in college”. Sure, they say that as a way to make you feel better but it doesn’t help. Because even for those four years, you don’t want to be alone.

Your feelings are valid and I really, really understand them. There were so many days in school where I was alone/watched friends interact and it hurt. It hurt on some stupid level that I realized wasn’t good for me.

Wanting a friend is normal. Wanting to be alone is normal. It doesn’t make you worthless- and I really want you to understand that. You may feel that way, but at least know it’s not true. There are those super crappy days where you realize just how alone you are. And those days hurt the worst. It’s like a kick when you’re already down.

For some people, they want to have friendships/long lasting relationships but can’t build them properly due to previous troubles (i.e past trauma) and those situations can be worse. Because you feel somewhat responsible for your current situation. Kind of like “maybe if this wasn’t a thing, I would have ___”.

I could probably have a laundry list of times where I realized I really was just so alone. But it’s not something I wanna get into, publicly on my blog. But even now, I don’t have any irl friends. The “city” I lived in for the last two years was all due to my ex. I moved BACK there to be with him and I didn’t like anyone there. I’ve moved back to where my college is and so now I have a chance but I don’t connect well with people either.

I don’t mean to make this about me, it’s more of me trying to show you that you’re not alone. Especially with something like this. All my friends today are online. And it does feel a little unfair, what’s special about me online that people haven’t seen in person, you know? It’s just something we kinda have to push through sometimes, even though it seems impossible or we have those days where realization just hits.

Potential friends can be anywhere, though!

I’m not sure if it’s any consolation but I’m your friend. You may be an anon for me but you’re an anon friend. And for now, we’re not super close and that’s completely fine! One day, you might feel confident enough to reveal yourself and we might get closer. Or maybe someone else online! Maybe you’ll find someone who’ll be besties with you for like ever. I mean, you never know, ten years down the line we could be having brunch at a cute little cafe talking about what our conversation today.

[littlefoxwithbighat]

Hi! This is talking about the plot of the dream smp in a meta sense and its a bit negative. The person behind this blog wants to remind you that you can skip if it's not for you and they still love the SMP. :)

ALL DISCUSSION IS ABOUT CHARACTERS. DON'T ATTACK CCS OR I WILL STEAL YOUR KNEECAPS.

I can't lie; I'm really annoyed and worried at the way the writers are handling Tommys character at the moment, and am increasingly concerned about it messing up the plot.

I wasn't very happy with the finale. I don't think that means all is lost, I think they can pull it back but it's going to take some work. I was worried about the way that things were handled before but the green festival was actually very well handled, so my worries were mostly assuaged. But yesterday? I don't know.

The fact nobody lost a cannon death is kind of disappointing. The weight of blowing up an entire city/ (country?) brutally is somewhat lost if there is no human loss. Nobody was hurt physically and the only people this had a big mental impact on was Tommy and Tubbo, everyone else wasn't very attached to L'manburg or had gone rogue, or were detatched from the while situation. And maybe it's the fact it's happened to them before or that they still have each other or that it seems odd/ frustrating that they still care so much about this place or that it was always a losing battle and they knew it, but I dont find myself really pitying them like I probably should. And I think that comes down to character growth or lack thereof, which I'll discuss later.

Niki and Fundy have started a villain arc, or at least a violent nihilism arc, and I actually don't mind it, in fact I'm a fan but it wasnt really foreshadowed, or really just showing them cracking as much as it should have been. I would guess this has mostly been started for both of them to tie Niki into the plot and I can't blame her for wanting that. Fundys acting is very good, and I REALLY hope the writers handle this well. For Fundy, regarding the fact that his father is going to be resurrected and that Fundy is following in his footsteps... If the writers don't realise that connection and make this a big step in Fundys narrative I will scream. Also Funboo bros are very interesting character foils and I hope their relationship is maintained so that they can play of off each other and also man I just really want them to keep being friends, it's a generally positive healthy relationship that makes both characters sympathetic and we need that right now. As for Niki, her character motivations seem to be mostly centered around Tommy and on the one hand I'm like ehhhh, because Tommy's character already gets a disproportionate amount of attention in terms of narrative, and I get it, but recently he's been a bit TOO much of the protagonist for a multi-person POV improve server... and I'm apprehensive. However on the other hand this has potential for a nice confrontation between Tommy and Niki. If that happens I want Tommy to be aware that this is going to happen and not talk over Niki, and I don't want it to be brushed over. I think it would be best if it was just the two of them. This also gives a nice chance for Tommy to examine his trauma with Dream and explain his motivations and Niki to get her anger out. I also want it to end positively, because it absolutely can and lack of communication when the viewer knows how to fix it is OK as a plot device sometimes but incredibly frustrating if it keeps happening (cough, Tommy and Techno).

Ranboo is reacting to the plot amazingly and I have as usual only praise for him, go, you funky enderman boy, go.

Wilbur is getting resurrected which is a thousand percent because Will wants the plot back and honestly I don't really mind, I think he'll do a good job. However I really hope he speaks to everybody about their characters, particularly Fundy, Ranboo and Niki because I don't want their characterisation and arcs to be thrown away.

Tubbo is doing very well, and I don't have many complaints to be honest. I hope he continues to get in with the acting with no shame, because he's an amazing VA when he wants to be, but sometimes he undercuts serious moments a little too much by laughing. Same criticism for Phil actually. But both are doing good.

On the theme of that, while I don't mind tension relievers or humour in serious moments there are sometimes too many. It was a lot worse about a month back and it was improving, but it seems to be creeping back in and ehhh. It's kind of Marvel-esque and not in a good way? I think it has a lot to do with bloopers and for some reason there are loads at the moment? Like Wilburs arc had almost none and this arc there's at least 2 every moment. Which isn't always their fault but maybe they need to take more steps to prevent them.

Techno is doing OK, he's quite a meta character so I'm not too mad about him undercutting serious moments but sometimes he does do it too much or in the wrong place. Like making jokes about Connor completely over the top of Tommy and Tubbos reunion, you know an event which has been foreshadowed for yoinks, prevented them from getting a proper flow going and kind of ruined it. And that made the reunion really dissapointing, which is a shame because it could have been so cool. However his characterisation is consistent and dedicated, his goals and relationships are clear and he's getting humanised more which is nice, and his monologues are great. I'm curious to see what he does now NL'M is gone but I have total faith in him.

Now Tommy. Oh Tommy. His character is such a mess at the moment, which is a shame because there were moments I saw people doubting his character choices and I was behind him.

Firstly the relationship with Techno fell apart. That was inevitable. Tommy didn't care about anarchy and Techno didn't care about the discs and both of their goals would impede the others. But the way Tommy talks about Techno is so... No? And now I understand that Tommy is going to have a biased perspective on the whole situation, and that's fine and good, but his character is so wrong about Techno it feels weird and painful? Like even from his perspective it went down differently to how he talks about it. They don't listen to each other and it's like watching two people scream at a wall.

The issue is the relationship was fairly well developed. I struggle to see Tommy saying he saw Techno as a friend but Techno never saw him as a friend because hold on, what? Techno, here's a respiration helmet because of that one of thing you told me about your trauma, a disc because those make you happy, plus top tier armour and weaponry, plus I'm going to spend time with you, calm you down from panic attacks, hide you and protect you from Dream, let you wander around L'manburg and achieve your own goals and help you plan things out Techno and Tommy didn't get ANYTHING from that? Plus after Techno opens up about his goals and his trauma, do the one thing that would hurt him the most, (use and then betray him) and then directly oppose his goals after he helped me? Ugh. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know he would never let Tubbo get hurt and thats fine, but there were ways around that. If you're framing this character as the protagonist, then he needs to be sympathetic or at least grow and Tommy using Techno again without remorse and then refusing to listen to his perspective or show any gratitude for anything makes it difficult for viewers to empathise with him in my opinion. Have him betray Techno and then listen to Techno when he explains why Tommys betrayal hurt him and apologise, fine. Have him listen to Techno and try and find a way to keep Tubbo safe regardless, fine. Have him betray Techno but apologetically and still trying to avoid Techo getting crushed or killed, fine. But THIS? Im sympathetic towards Tommys character but this throws away so much potential character development for Tommy, where at least he saw Techno as a person, and not only that but a nice person who despite everything has set aside everything to help him? And then for him to be exactly where he was at the end of season 1, both literally, and emotionally ? I understand this is a child soldier with trauma but this is supposed to be our protagonist and if he doesn't grow, and isn't sympathetic and destroys someone we care about, how can we root for him?

Now all of this could be forgivable, not great, but forgivable, if Tommy had moved on from the discs. The Goddamn Discs™. And the worse part is all the dominoes were lined up to suggest he had! We had his moment of "he watched me" where he realised Dream was the villain and controlling him, "I've become worse than everyone I hated" good, amazing, I see where this is going, "The discs were worth more than you ever were!" and then he retracts and apologises and you think horray! Tommy has realised the discs were being used to control him and if he doesn't care about them, they hold no value! Now he's going to realise that his friends are more important and he's going to stop going after the discs. His new character motivation can be killing Dream and protecting his friends, especially Tubbo. It's clearly angled this way, and this way the plot progresses and Tommy with it. What marvellous character development. Look at him go.

And THEN, after everything that's happened he says the most important thing is the disc and I want them back!?!? EH !!? Why... Who... Who gave the OK on that writing decision? That's so static and boring and unsympathetic! And then he's back to asking people do fight for L'manburg? What?

I'll be honest I was kind go hoping either Tommy or Tubbo would die with L'manburg. I didn't mind it they didn't, there are a thousand ways to make the plot work without them dying, but this was not a great one.

PLEASE let Tommy have some growth. Yes he's had some from not caring about L'manburg to fighting for it in season one, but that was ages ago and he doesnt seem to have changed since then in any way that really counts. And I know this is harsh and he's traumatised but you have to understand I am talking about this in a sense of characters and narrative and NOT in terms of real life. Tommy needs to be better and dynamic because he is a charcacter and I want him to be a good one.

Having said all that, here are my thoughts on the future of the SMP.

Firstly, I am worried that becuse it is such a good source of content, especially for Tommy that they will never ever kill his character and leave him fighting with Dream for eternity. And I love the Dream SMP but I've seen stories that get dragged out for plot or content, and however much you think you want it to never end, let me tell you, yes you do. It will get stale and repetitive and I want the dream smp, or at least Tommys arc to go out with a beautiful and brilliant and fabulous plot ending instead of being dragged into the dirt. And then maybe new characters take the spotlight. Just please god give it a goode ending.

I also really hope they don't throw other things away to make Tommy the centre of attention, especially if it's destructive to the plot, or kind of weird and obnoxious.

Secondly, I am intrigued about the prison and Schlatts book to Dream and Technos favour and the egg and what that entails and I hope they really think through those plot points carefully and make them work, and don't forget them or throw them away.

Thirdly, I am intrigued for Wilburs return and hope that he manages to fix it cohesively without too crazy a change of pace and style and keeping characters (especially Ranboo and Fundy and Niki) consistent.

I hope they prep for the future and think things thought and communicate with each other.

It might be interesting to see other countries finally discussed but I don't know how much that would intefere with other plot points so we'll see.

That's all! Reminder that this is about characters and plot and this is just a few criticisms. I love the dream smp, but there are somethings I wanted to get of my chest. Please be respectful and feel free to discuss in the notes. Also, again, no hate to any CCs!

[tinylittlegh0st]

vent

tw suicide mention , abuse mention , manipulation? i think?

please ignore this i just need to write my thoughts down

also if you didnt ignore this and i didnt tag smth just let me know im really tired rn im sorry

i hate being so worried for someone's well being even though they were so fucking toxic

i dont wanna sit awake at 3am hovering over the "add friend" button bc im terrified they actually oofed themself but i cant stop worrying

apparently they messaged some people saying they'd "change and do better" dispite stirring up drama online and so i KNOW thats bs so why am i so upset that they didnt message me?

would i have belived it? absolutely not, they've lied before and i havent trusted a thing they've said since we broke up the first time, but it feels worse that they either really didnt care enough to even try to talk to me OR they forgot about me entirely

and i cant tell which makes me feel worse

the other thing is they're nd and mentally ill so complainging about stuff that ik is caused from that just makes me feel shitty but im still allowed to be upset that they lied about me right? i dont know anymore i just want confirmation that they're alive and then to never think about them again

i never even got any actual closure and i dont think they ever even apologozed for lying about me to their 70-somthing-thousand followers and saying that i abused them and made them tell me their trauma when they were the one that would randomly trauma dump on me without warning and never gave me a chance to say "hey, im not doing too great, can you tell me about this another time, or at least block it out so i can look at it when im feeling better? thanks"

i just wanted an apology not "that wasnt about you, oh wait yes it was, i didnt post that dont get upset at me, why do you hate me so much i didnt do anything"

i wish i never found that post on my alt and just lived my life in ignorant bliss

they kept saying "oh if you know who thisis dont say anything!" and then went and gave people my @ bc they kept asking about it so they could block me for somthing i never did

i dont even want them back i just want to forget they ever even existed but this is the one thing i cant fucking forget

i have no idea what they said was true and what they were lying about and i dont think i'll ever know why cant i just forget it ever happened and move on with my life

im crying over someone who either doesnt give a shit about me or forgot i ever existed and im not even crying for a good reason i fucking hate it here

i hate them so goddamn much but i cant stop feeling bad about how angry i am

[daggerfall]

Why people hate meridia? Really i don't know what happened about her and Daurien Gautier, i would be glad if you could explain to me :)

I have a paranoid suspicion this is bait but whatever, fine, you can have it.

There’s like two general reasons, the first being her in the lore and the second being her actions in eso.

In the lore, going all the way back to the time of the Ayleids, Meridia was the one who backed them in their fight against the humans they were enslaving. Particularly, she backed Umaril the Unfeathered (who you may remember from the Oblivion DLC) in his fight against Pelinal Whitestrake. Pelinal also sucked, but he was fighting alongside Alessia the Slave Queen to free her people. The Ayleids sucked and were an incredibly cruel people, so Meridia helping them is not great.

In the lore as well, Meridia is known to “purify” her servants, making them immortal but also taking away their free will. She also does this as a punishment to those who break their vows to her, and just in general. We see this in the dungeon “Depths of Malatar”, where she enslaves the Imperials who went to loot it, as well as keeping her Ayleid worshippers “alive” for thousands of years in service protecting half of the Wrathstone for some unknown reason. I believe it is implied she wished to use it someday, but dont quote me on that.

And in the lore again, Meridia has been known to “collect” people, being called the Daedric Prince of Greed in the Illiac Bay. We can arguably see this again with the Purified Imperials in DoM.

And finally in the lore, Meridia’s feud with Molag Bal has resulted in her sacrificing the lives of her own worshippers on the regular just to spite him. When Molag Bal’s forces were attacking a city of her worshippers (the Hollow City), she used the portals they were coming in from to move her city into Coldharbour. Molag Bal could not touch the city, but she moved/displaced all of her loyal followers into another princes realm just to stick it to her enemy. Every single inhabitant of that city either died from being placed outside the protection of the city, or eventually left the city due to being sick and tired of being trapped in there/Oblivion and eventually died. The only survivor was the last Ayleid king, who had been being held and tortured the entire time before his rescue via the Vestige. So a few thousand years.

Now in the games, particularly ESO, it is a popular belief that Meridia was the one who originally led the Vestige to the Worm Cult where they were killed, and is the kickstarter for the events of you being the Hero. The Hooded Figure looks shockingly like the Groundskeeper, has the same voice, and has a vested interest in getting someone powerful to have a deep hatred of Molag Bal and the Worm Cult and be on her side. A lot of people don’t take kindly to being led to their torture and death. Though this is a theory, not confirmed canon, but fandom interpretation is powerful.

Meridia also did not tell the Vestige she was Meridia until just before the fight against Molag Bal, playing with the Vestige like a chess piece in her own fight against her enemy. A lot of people don’t take kindly to being manipulated and used, even if it was against a common enemy. 

As for Darien, Meridia created Darien to be her champion on Nirn. She let him believe he was just a normal Breton his entire life during ESO. At the end of the main quest, Meridia does not return Darien to the rest of the group, and instead takes him to her realm and keeps him there. A lot of us players, as well as NPCs, cared greatly for Darien, and very much dislike Meridia for that. 

Darien writes from the Colored Rooms that he wanted to come home, a letter we can show to his friend Gabrielle (who it is strongly hinted he loved and who loved him back).

We don’t see Darien again until Summerset, when Meridia sends him there to help stop the daedric triad. Meridia did tell him the truth about who and what he was, to some degree, but not everything. When Meridia first talks about Darien, she expressed distaste for how he had changed having met the player. He had a singular purpose, but now he... cares. Meridia does not like her servants having their own freewill and thoughts. 

Darien has to sacrifice himself at the climax of the main story. Once that quest is over, you can find a letter again from him, warning us not to trust Meridia. Just one tiny bit from “Words of the Fallen” “I need to tell you something about Meridia. She's a deceiver. She promised that if I served her faithfully, I'd earn my freedom. She never told me that freedom was just another word for the void. Don't trust her. Don't trust any of the Daedric Princes. Not ever.” I highly recommend reading all of Words of the Fallen btw. 

So! Meridia promises freedom to her most loyal champion, and then takes it away after he does his job. Those who like Darien once again very much dislike Meridia for this.

In Dragonhold, there is a sidequest where you find someone dead next to what looks like Meridia’s Beacon. A letter on him implies that Meridia is looking for a new champion, one who will not betray her, implying that Meridia thinks Darien betrayed her. We know from Words of the Fallen that Darien sacrificed himself for the player, not Meridia. Meridia does not like that Darien cares about the player. 

You can bring the letter to the dead khajiit’s wife, who says she is going to throw the stone in the lake. But if you talk to her again, she says that she thinks she’s going to hold onto it now, implying that she thinks she will be able to hear those same voices as him, and that she might take up the champion mantle.

The world boss quest giver in Southern Elsweyr talks about his own issues with Meridia, being a people collector and possibly having some past trauma with her/her cult.

And in Greymoor, Meridia's temple (mount kilkreath) is attacked by the Icereach Coven's harrowstorm, which steals the life energy of people and either kills them, turns them into mindless passive zombies, or feral vampires known as harrowfiends. It was mostly her priests and pilgrims that were attacked. Meridia did nothing to protect her followers or purge this corruption from even the inside of her temple. Many followers lost their faith that day.

All of this together, and the sneaking suspicion that she is not done with yet in ESO, makes a lot of us not only dislike her, but not trust her at all. Zenimax brought up Darien for Valentines Day, keeps bringing him and Meridia up in DLC, has her featured greatly in the main quest and a major chapter DLC...

It’s less an outright hatred of her. Believe me, I hate Molag Bal significantly more than I “hate” Meridia. I tend to take on my OCs beliefs and feelings as I play them, and my own main character was in a relationship with Darien and hates all daedra. Also she gets brought up more in recent DLC and thus is more of a relevant topic than Molag Bal. So I tend to post a lot about Meridia in less than positive lights. It’s more than I take issue with her being so connected to slavery and manipulation of mortals, yet being painted in a benevolent or even good light by a lot of the lore. I take issue with people who ignore the fact she is featured very prominently in recent games and accuse anyone who talks about disliking her of misogyny for not being equally or more loud about their dislike of other, worse daedric princes, regardless of if they do or do not. I take issue with people who romanticize her slavery or call her a “feminist icon” solely because they don’t like Darien (or me. That’s another reason). But that’s more of a specific tesblr community issue rather than “legit reasons in game or lore to not like Meridia”.

Overall, Meridia is a daedric prince. They’re not good or bad by mortal standards because they don’t ascribe to mortal defined morals. They do what they do because they must. It is their realm, their sphere of influence. Meridia started out as the Daedric Prince of Greed in early games, a collector of people, and her hatred of undead and Molag Bal are extreme. The fact that she is more present in ESO, a game I play on the regular and that gets updated multiple times a gear, means that people will talk about her more. When I was deeply into Skyrim, I talked about my dislike of Hermaeus Mora a lot. When I was deeply into Oblivion (for a short while), I talked about my dislike of Mehrunes Dagon. And when I am thinking about Morrowind, I end up talking about my dislike of Azura and the Tribunal. She isn't necessarily better or worse than other Princes, just more of a hot topic in the ESO side of the fandom than other Princes.

If this was sent in good faith then I apologize for saying it felt like bait. If it is bait, then here. Take it and start raving about what an awful misogynist I am. I await my callout post. 

[solisfated]

⎡ @celestibound​ asked: Ship Bias >> | ‘ ship bias ‘ | accepting! ✹

you didn’t specify so i went a little crazy with this one and just did..........all three genshin muses...under the cut bc it got really long........heheh the brainrot is r e a l ft. zhongli, childe and diluc lets gooo

first up, mr dragon granda, in no particular order we have:

▷ childe/tartaglia! listen,,,, i love enemies to lovers so much, i drink it like it’s water that is no secret. i want childe redemption, zhongli apologizing for his deception, slowly repairing their friendship before zhongli being hit in the face with love and adoration for childe. i feel like they have a lot of chemistry, they are pretty similar in terms of pain and depth. they could learn a lot from each other; how to be vulnerable, how to trust, how to open up, how to communicate.  ▷ guizhong! the soulmate he had before he knew what it meant... there is so much angst in this ship, zhongli realizing too late how he felt and not being able to protect guizhong in the archon war absolutely devastated him. i dont think he’s loved anyone like her, since her death. he treasures her always, even when he does move on, a part of him is always with her ▷ zhongli x apologizing to all of the adepti he lied to about his death. mans really needs to make amends, and make them well.  ▷ xiao! mostly post-1.2, when zhongli is no longer rex lapis but just a mortal man. his respect for xiao is immense and he would trust the adeptus with his life, and zhongli needs to learn how to bridge the gap between them after being the geo archon for thousands of years. also him caring for xiao and his pain,,,, he just wants xiao to live a good life, and to be happy. he hopes he lives long enough as a mortal to see it for him ▷ qiqi! she is his daughter now sorry baizhu. er, granddaughter lol. dragon grandpa caring for the jiangshi child is so precious. he would tell her lots of stories and wouldn’t mind repeating them after she forgets them. i really hope to have them interact one day, qiqi was a favorite of mine in the story

next, chaotic ginger harbinger, in no particular order we have:

▷ zhongli! for the same reasons as above : > i just think they’re neat uwu ▷ lumine! listen,,,, friends, to enemies, to friends again to lovers is just top TIER i don’t make the rules. childe hesitating in liyue, ultimately staying for duty but secretly relieved his post will remain there. he has a chance to make amends with lumine and he takes it. lumine didn’t take any of his shit, wouldn’t let him wreck havoc on a whim. she’s very grounding, and he felt for the first time he had a real friend before he followed through on his duties. it wasn’t personal, and he really would want to join her adventures if he could. and seeing her with teucer!! melted him!  ▷ kaeya! listen. their dynamic is very much ‘ i will kill you ‘ and ‘ like, how would you kill me? ‘ and i live for it. i really want them to meet in game. i wanna see them clash and then drink about it together later ▷ teucer!! absolute precious baby childe would die for. i love their canon bond so much, teucer looks up to him and childe would do anything for his family. im stuck on the fighting fatui recruits part of the quest, so i dont know if he does it, but i really want childe to come clean to teucer about what he does. lying to him won’t help the kid, and deceiving him might strain their relationship. i hope teucer can forgive childe in the end, bc he only wants to make the boy happy ;-; tonia should go here too, bc he writes letters with his kid sister and its so sweet and adorable. childe doting on his siblings warms my heart. he’s such a good brother, even if it hurts him to be so sometimes ▷ honestly? childe x shutting the fuck up lmao

next, idealistic wine batman, in no particular order we have:

▷ aether/lumine! it seemed like diluc had gone a really long time without collaborating with another person until that one story quest. even kaeya was surprised. i felt like diluc let his guard down a little, and perhaps it will lead him to making new friends and strengthening the bonds he already has in the future. fuck knows he is shit at keeping bonds well. he needs more friends and confidents ;-; people he can trust and lean on  ▷ kaeya! i really want them to reconcile....their story made me so incredibly sad, diluc felt so betrayed. i think kaeya is already willing to mend their bond, but diluc is too bitter and stubborn. he also just doesnt know how to ask for help, hence why aether/lumine was so important. i hope they can be close again one day, because diluc...doesn’t have any family left alive. he just has the dawn winery and a name to live up to. it must be lonely ▷ jean! they had an interesting dynamic in one of the quests, i think she could be a friend of his if he wasn’t so stubborn. i wanna know about that ‘ sir ‘ thing lmao...a remnant of his days as a knight? i want jean to tease him and call him out for distancing himself from everyone around him that’s for sure ▷ klee!! i adore klee so much and i want diluc to be the designated pyro child babysitter. like diluc have a pyro daughter. i like klee’s optimism and shenanigans would be good for him honestly, and klee could use a little more....structure.....and less,,,bombs,,, ▷ diluc x therapy for his grief and trauma. guy really needs to talk to someone. 

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

control [jeremy h. x squipped!reader] pt.5

why is it almost 9 and im tired already smh

anyway, i almost titled this part 5 because i dont know what numbers are

update im a dumbass bc this was, indeed, part 5

warnings: uhhh sick moments. hospitals. guilt. squip aftermath. mentions of nightmares. 

       You woke up days later in the hospital.

       The first thing that happened was a blur of motions: you trying to rip out your IV as you panicked, and a nurse who just opened the door grabbed you by the wrist to stop you before you did any true damage. Then came a thousand questions from a thousand people, all trying to pinpoint the when and why and how and what happened that you could barely remember at that moment. When your breathing picked up and panic set in, the room was cleared save for a single person taking vitals. When he left, you were alone. The room felt cold. The room was silent-

       Wait.

       The room was silent.

       Oh, god, the room was silent.

       It was gone. Your thoughts were your own again, yet it still felt as if a piece of you had been snapped off. Broken off. Crumbled away over time, yet - yet... how long had you been out? Hours? A day? You couldn’t completely recall. You remembered someone asking you the date, the time, the anything, but... it slipped your mind far too quickly as a thousand other questions followed suit. You squinted at the whiteboard on the wall across from you, stamped into the corner, and red dry-erase marker spelling out the date.

       Barely two days. That was good. You were... you were fine. You were okay. This was okay. Two days was okay. Two days was much less than what Rich dealt with-

       Oh. Fuck, Rich - had he woken up? He must still be in the hospital - was - were you in the same one? Fuck, you felt foggier than ever. Like the pieces wouldn’t connect, yet lined up perfectly. Every little bit of pressure merely popped the piece apart again, and it left nothing but frustration to fill the space between. You’d have to see him as soon as you could.

       The first person who came to see you (not quite counting your parents) was Christine Canigula with a pretty bouquet of sunflowers in her arms. Her purse bounced against her hip with every step around the room (mainly due to her trying to find a nice place to set the flowers down), and she finally gently sat at the end of your bed and talked to you happily about everything that had gone on within the past few days. She opened her bag, fishing out a small little bag of assorted goodies that she placed in your hands.

       “I thought you could use something nice,” she smiled, “I hope you get out of here soon.” When you couldn’t muster up anything past a weak smile, she continued, “Rich actually asked about you, when I saw him earlier.” 

       You looked up. “He did?” You asked, voice quiet and broken.

       “Yeah!” She chirped, “he woke up the other day, actually,” she drummed her fingers against her leg, “

       The second was Michael. Michael, who had a ball of emotions choking him as he searched for the right thing to say to you. Worried and angry and upset and... relieved. All of it evaporated as you told him everything. Every detail, every action explained - and he realized what lied beyond the glimpse you’d given him while you looked as if you were trying to escape his house. He sat on the edge of your bed in stunned silence, just staring at the floor as you felt guilt creep into your stomach. 

       “Michael?” You finally said, voice quiet. “I’m... I’m sorry.” You paused, “for everything. You - you don’t have to forgive me, but...”

       “You used me.” He said. You could hear the underlying anger dripping from those three words alone. 

       “I know.” You swallowed your emotions. “I’m... I know it was awful and I should have fought more to not do that, but...” 

       He finally looked back at you. “So,uh... how much of that was real, then?” 

       You opened your mouth to answer, only to stop for a moment, looking away. “I... I don’t really know,” you said, voice cracking and giving you away entirely. “Shit.” 

       “I mean-” He said, “you were - it was weird, [y/n]. One minute you’d be one way, and then... you were, y’know, you. It was like things never changed.” 

       That hit you hard. “Michael?” You choked out his name, before continuing, “please don’t tell Jeremy.”

       “What?” He stared at you, “[y/n], he deserves to know-”

       “No! I mean - he does,” you clarified, “I just - I need to tell him this myself.” 

       He bit his tongue for a moment. “I, uh, I think I’m gonna have to tell him some things before he loses his shit, [y/n]. He was fuckin’ freaked when the ambulance drove off.” 

       After a moment of stunned quiet, you mustered up a quick nod. “Right. Just - don’t tell him everything, alright?”

       The conversation had died there. After a few more minutes of silence, Michael stood and made his way to leave - rattling off the usual “get well soon” message that you expected.

       “Michael?” You called out, and he stopped. “Thank you for coming to see me. I... I appreciate it.” 

       His smile had faded, and he nodded a little. “Yeah...” He looked back at you, and he looked so soft and genuine that time. “Later, [y/n].”

       The next day, Jeremy was shoved into your room without much of a chance to gather his bearings. True to his word, Michael had explained a few things while leaving Jeremy pretty in the dark on what had happened. The hardest thing was looking at Jeremy and telling him the rest of your story. That you had wasted six hundred dollars on a stupid, shitty pill that you thought would help you. A pill that you thought would help you essentially get Jeremy to reciprocate the feelings that you bit back and hid underneath everything. You lied through your teeth that you had just wanted him and Michael back. You couldn’t just... admit that you had a crush on him, could you?

       He reached out and laid a hand on your own. “Michael told me.” 

       Shit. Fuck. Nope. You nearly hit the button for a nurse in that moment to try and see if you could get him out. What the fuck, Michael? “He told you...?”

       “Look,” he said, “I’m flattered, [y/n], I just... I like someone else. I mean, you’re - you’re cool and all, but-” 

       “I get it, Jeremy.” You said. “I... I understand.” You paused for a moment, “but... I did miss you and Michael, y’know.”

       “Why’d we stop hanging out?” Jeremy asked.

       Something inside of you hurt at that question. “I don’t know.” And that was true, to say the least. You had your suspicions, sure, but at the end of the day, the why rested without an answer. 

       He stared at you. “Wait...” He trailed off, before looking away. “Oh.” His voice dropped to a whisper, “shit.” He looked back at you, “hey, uh, I’m - I’m sorry for dropping you like that- I just-” 

       “I get it.” Which was sort-of the truth, at least. “You don’t have to apologize, Jeremy.”

       “... Okay,” he said after a moment, “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you in school,” he stood, “feel better soon-” 

       And then he was gone.

       Three months later, and you were still haunted by a voice in your head every so often. You started therapy shortly after you were released from the hospital, the mystery of what happened to you remaining as such. You started medication soon after, your depression having grown worse post-SQUIP (and your father had been glad for you getting help, since he’d admitted it hurt him to watch you suffer for so long while being unsure of what to actually do to help you). You attended group therapy outside of Metuchen.

       You had Rich. Rich, who picked you up on Thursday nights to drive you to group and back again. Rich, who knew how you felt and hid his guilt for pulling you into this shitty world of trauma and pain that’d haunt you for who knows how long. Rich, who slung his arm around your waist casually when the two of you were hanging out and was touchy with you in a way that made you feel safe and secure. You had Rich at your side, the friend that you honestly had never expected to have but were glad for at the end of the day. While you wished he didn’t feel the pain that you did, it was almost... nice to know that someone else understood.

       At two in the morning, one mid-February day, he called you.

       “Another nightmare?”

       “Yeah... you?”

       “Yeah.” A pause. “You wanna talk about it?”

       “Yep,” he dragged the word out. “Uh - do you...?”

       “You go first, Rich.”

      His phone must have been on speaker, because you heard the sound of him shifting in bed - blanket swooshing as he probably turned over onto his side. “Same old shit.” He began, “I, uh, was in Jake’s house, and... it was on fire. My, uh... It was there.” He paused for a moment, “y’know. Saying the same shit.” You didn’t have to see Rich to know he was touching his neck, fingers running along the scars there. “What about you?”

      Your phone was lying beside your head. Shutting your eyes, you took a breath before exhaling slowly. “It was, uh, actually... good for once. I mean - it started good. I was... I was with Jeremy. I... think we were dating? I don’t know - we were holding hands and I had let go and walked ahead only to notice he was standing still, and - it... it’s weird, Rich, but - I swear there was some kind of stupid circuit pattern that, like, trailed down his neck - and... and his smile, Rich-” You paused, taking a shaky breath, “and then I heard it.” Another long pause. “Then I woke up.”

      You heard Rich suck in a breath. For the longest time, there was silence on the other end. Despite not hearing any chimes to indicate it, you thought that maybe he had hung up. But then he spoke, voice quiet and broken, “why did you say yes?”

      “What?”

      “To - to buying it, [y/n].”

      You stared up at your ceiling. Soon enough, you kicked off your blankets as you grew too hot for comfort, shifting against to try and find some sort of comfortable position. “You sold it pretty well, I guess.” You started, before biting your lip for a moment, “I thought it could help me.”

      “... With?”

      You changed the topic. “Why’d you take it?”

      No response.

      “Rich?”

      “Gretch is gonna fucking suck tomorrow.” 

      “... Yeah.”

      “You wanna skip?”

      No, you wanted to say. But you shrugged. “Yeah. Where are we doing?”

      “Fuck, I don’t know - Wawa?”

      “Sure.”

      Rich’s truck was like a second home to you, between the times the two of you skipped classes and every drive to and from therapy. The two of you skipped class too often - sometimes morning classes, sometimes afternoon, it always depended on how the two of you were doing. Sometimes you’d sit in the Wawa parking lot, eating breakfast or lunch, enjoying the rebellious freedom that came with skipping class. The guilt would stay in the backseat, a constant reminder of your fuck-ups, but... you were glad to have a moment to breathe.

      Rich’s hand found yours that morning. He squeezed it. For a minute, there were just two broken teens sitting together, holding hands, trying to feel less broken together. 

         Over a week later, you texted Rich after hearing it - or, at least, you thought you did. He told you to call Michael - closer to you, and carrier of the Mountain Dew Red at you and Rich’s mutual request. Your finger lingered over Michael’s contact information when a thought struck you, hard and heavy. Why call him? Why not let it come back and fix what it had done? You felt broken enough - how much more damage could it do to you? Besides... now you knew how to take care of it. Maybe that knowledge would be enough to help you gain some sort of control over it.

        An hour later, Rich texted you saying Michael hadn’t heard from you. Another hour passed. He told you he was coming over. You couldn’t respond, staring at your phone blankly as tears began to well up. Thirty minutes later, rocks hit your window. Five minutes later, Rich was sitting on the end of your bed as you curled back up, the bottle sitting on the bed between the two of you. He looked tired, running a hand nervously through his hair as he didn’t meet your eyes.

        “I know.” He said, breaking the silence. “Just - don’t fucking do it, okay?”

        You broke your gaze away from the bottle. “What?”

        “I... I’ve thought about it too,” he said, quieter this time. “But... I think...” He paused, “it’s just a bad idea, alright?”

        “It can’t-”

        “It can.” He stressed, before grabbing the bottle with one hand and your hand in the other. He pressed the bottle into your hand, curling your fingers around it in a cliche action. “Just - fucking drink it, [y/n]. I’m tired.”

        “You can stay here tonight.”

        “Nah,” he stood. “I... need to get home soon. Just... drink it, alright?”

        He didn’t leave you until you finally obliged.

        The chill in the air that came with early March was no match for the chill you felt whenever you were around Michael. But Michael had the soda, and Rich lived farther away from you, so he became your lifeline whenever you felt the prickly feeling that came with every nightmare of it and he, thankfully without much complaint, would show up on your front lawn. You sat next to him in silence, an half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew Red sitting in your lap as Michael quietly looked up at the stars. The feeling in your stomach almost seemed to weigh you down, keeping you in place until Michael decided he’d had enough, until he gave up on sitting with you.

        But he didn’t. He just sat there in silence, wearing his signature red hoodie in an attempt to keep himself warm. His breath colored the air with a puff of white as he exhaled. It was too cold for this shit, and yet... he sat with you. 

        “What was it like?” He began at one point, slowly looking over to you. “Y’know... the...” He paused, before tapping his temple, as if you hadn’t understood before. But you understood the why there. 

        “Like I was a puppet,” you said, echoing back something you’d said before in therapy. Almost completely subconsciously, you tugged at your sleeve. “I... I could disobey, but... it would get mad, and - and I didn’t like that, so I just... I did what it told me to. Sometimes, it would...” The ghost of a shock silenced you, and your breath hitched for a second as you try to regain some control over yourself.

        When Michael’s hand landed on your forearm, you flinched immediately. But before he could fully tear his hand away from you (having only just pulled it away slightly), you immediately shifted closer to him. Almost as if he understood, he opened himself to you, and - after hesitating for too many moments - you nearly collapsed into his arms, wrapping your own around his torso and burying your face in his neck. At first you had just wanted the comfort. The warmth of another person. But your breath went shaky, and before Michael could say or do anything else, he heard you choke back a sob before you clutched at the fabric of his hoodie. Every soft, broken apology sent pain rippling through him. He’d been so pissed with you before, and now...

       Now it was as if Michael was a child again, having seen the aftermath of hurricanes through Florida on the news. Or like the car accident he once witnessed, only staring before one of his moms tore him away from the sight, picking him up with ease and keeping his face turned away. He understood, all within that moment. He knew you were hurting, and in turn, he felt that pain too. He had hurt. He was in so much damn pain when he found out you’d originally just been using him, and now... he understood that maybe (or, perhaps, definitely, but a definite wasn’t quite there yet in his book) nothing had been your idea. Part of him wanted to look away from you, to give you some kind of privacy, and yet... you clung to him. You kept your face buried in his neck, hot tears wetting his skin, and you shook in his arms as you kept stammering out apology after apology for things that did and didn’t involve him. 

       That was when Michael decided that forgiveness was back on the table. Neither of you were ready to have that talk, but... the fact of the matter was that he let that option exist again. Every glimpse of you that had come flooding back to him when he visited you in the hospital seemed to haunt his memory once more. The real you. The you he hadn’t seen in so long. And, if he were honest, the you that he genuinely had begun to miss when your presence disappeared all that time ago.

       He was ready to try again, if you were there to meet him halfway.

       The following Wednesday came with a disgusting feeling of dread the moment that thunder clapped during your last class. You’d left your umbrella at home - clear skies, your weather app had lied - and chances were you were going to miss your bus when meeting with the guidance counselor quickly after school (because, of course, shit never worked out in your favor). So you clenched your jaw and pulled your bag close to you, taking off as the rain pounded against the pavement. You almost slipped, you could barely see through the rain, and you were already soaked to the bone by the time you were a fourth of the way home. When you heard a car coming down the street, you thought nothing of it until it slowed down, pulling over towards the side of the road and steadily crawling alongside you.

       Well, fuck, if you were about to die, at least you wouldn’t deal with-

       The car honked. When you turned, you immediately recognized the P.T. Cruiser and the two boys inside of it. Immediately, the passenger side window rolled down. “Get in, loser, we’re going shopping-” 

       “Michael-” You started to say, only to stop as you weigh your options. Get in the car and face Michael and Jeremy - or keep waking home in the rain. You barely even considered the latter as you pulled open the back door, throwing your bag in and immediately slipping into the warm car.

       The backseat was comfortable. It had always been comfortable, actually - that much was certain. Even when you were shivering endlessly, sopping-wet backpack lying in the floorboard between your legs as you rub your arms in some attempt to get warm, you felt strangely at home sitting in the back of Michael’s car. The sticker was still on the head-rest of the driver’s side. Jeremy kept looking back at you every so often as Michael made his way towards your house. The moment he turned onto your street, you went for your keys.

       And, of fucking course, you must have forgotten them that morning. So you ended up in Michael’s house, sitting on his bed in some of his spare clothes while your clothes are being oh-so-lovingly laundered by the ever-so-gracious Michael Mell. You toyed with the fabric of tee-shirt you were wearing, some indie band logo printed across the chest - something that felt so Michael, when you thought about it. Of course he’d have some obscure merch. You sat there with one of your class binders in your lap, working on homework when you finally get to geometry. As if to make the day even worse, you realized you were missing your calculator.

       “Shit,” you said, “fuck-” You looked up to Michael and Jeremy, “can I, uh, borrow a calculator? I think I left mine at school-”

       Jeremy stared at you for a split second before immediately going for his own bag. He stammered through a sentence, before he finally pulled out a familiar purple case and held it out to you. “I, uh, was going to give it to you tomorrow - I meant to give it back earlier but I, uh, forgot-”

       You took it gingerly from him, before kind-of smiling in return. “It’s fine,” you said, “thank you-” and then you cut yourself off with a sneeze, your arm flying to cover your mouth. 

       Michael chuckled a little as he laid back, stretching himself along the foot of his bed. “If you needed a ride, you should have just asked, ya goof,” he smiled at you.

       You nudged him with your foot. “Come on, Mell,” you said, “I thought I’d be fine.”

       “You’re lucky Jeremy saw you, y’know,” he said, “I didn’t notice you crossing the street earlier, so...”

       Jeremy flushed at the comment. Your gaze flickered from him back to Michael, “I thought you were driving, Michael.”

       “I was!” 

       “Aren’t you supposed to pay attention?”

       “I was!” He said again, sitting up, “you weren’t even crossing in front of me!” 

       “Thank god for that,” you said.

       “Wh- I wouldn’t hit you!”

       “That’s what they all say, Michael.” You smiled a little, “no, dude, I totally wouldn’t kill my wife, who would do that? Not me. I wouldn’t kill my wife-”

       “[y/n]!” Michael poked you in the leg, “come on - I don’t think I’d be that obvious-”

       “Are you seriously trying to say you’d be able to get away with that?” You said, only to notice how silent Jeremy had gone. When you looked back to him, you noticed that he had just sat there, watching you and Michael playfully bicker over his totally not real plans to murder someone. When your eyes meet his, he blinked, awkwardly smiling as he looked away and towards his phone. You barely get a glimpse of the time before you realized that your parents should be home.

       So Michael drove you (and Jeremy) home at long last, leaving you to thank him a thousand times on the way there and as you got out of the car. You barely had time to wave back at him before you crossed your front lawn to get to shelter, rain pelting you the entire time as you head inside with plans to tackle your homework.

       The next morning, you felt like shit. At three in the morning, you woke up with the grossest feeling taking hold of you and forcing you out of bed and to the bathroom. With a disgusting taste left in your mouth, you sank back, your senses completely muffled as you realized what had happened. Fever. Fuck. You pressed your back against the rim of the bathtub, and you breathed. Shit. Shit shit shit shit- you didn’t need to get sick. You skipped enough class as it was - this was only going to make shit worse.

       You didn’t realize you passed out shortly after until your dad stumbled across you. He woke you up gently, before helping you to your feet and helping your sluggish form back to your bedroom after pressing a cold hand against your forehead. Shaking his head, he walked you to your bed, leaving the room and returning with a cup of water to leave on your nightstand. He told you that he would be at work, but that your mom would drop by during her lunch break to check on you and hopefully bring some medicine. You barely processed it before you fell back asleep.

      The next time you woke up was around lunchtime. You still felt hazy and hot with fever, but the sound of your phone going off was enough to capture your attention. Michael. He had asked where you were, and you barely have enough energy to type out what you thought was just a simple “fever” - thankfully, auto-correct caught you - before you turned back over with the intent of going back to sleep. Barely ten minutes pass before your mom came in with a plastic bag in her hands, rattling off the contents of it before she felt your forehead. She told you to get some more rest. You happily obliged. 

      The next day, after a night of bland soup and forcing down your meds with ice cold water, you see a newly formed group chat with you, Michael, and Jeremy, poised proudly at the top of your messages. 

Michael: u guys need anything or

      You stared at the message. You guys? You barely have time to try and question it further when a text bubble popped up.

Jeremy: i’m good

You: what

You: you ok, jer?

Jeremy: no im sick

You: what

You: how???

Jeremy: you

Michael: jeremys being a little bitch

Michael: hes always like this when he’s sick

Michael: you need anything, [y/n]??

You: idk some good soup would be rad

You: my dad brought some gross shit last night and it sucked

You: parents got medicine. 

You: send me love.

You: and tissues

Jeremy: please let me sleep

You: sorry jer

Michael: kk

      Later that afternoon, the doorbell rang. You forced yourself out of bed, managing to get the front door open only to see a little plastic bag sitting right outside of it. You looked up to see Michael standing outside of his car, and you could only assume that he rushed back to his car to avoid exposure. He waved at you, only budging from his spot when you wave back at him. 

      Bless Michael Mell and the soup he brought you. You’d have to thank his mom. Or maybe both of them - they were both goddesses in your eyes. You only knew that Michael couldn’t cook for shit. 

      At midnight, you woke up again, a dull hunger restless in your stomach. You had left some soup for later, and you were fully ready to heat the rest of it up and devour it. You shoved the Tupperware bowl into the microwave, punching in a number before you swayed into the counter, leaning against it to keep yourself standing as the microwave buzzed. Strangely enough... it almost felt internal after a minute.

      Then you heard it. Your own name being cooed in a voice that sent shivers and a ghost of a shock through you. Glitching in and out. You panicked. You bolted, dashing to your room to find your phone. Your hands were shaking as you went to unlock it, fucking it up the first two times before finally getting it the last. You didn’t think. You went for the first number you saw. 

       The moment someone picked up,  you spoke. “Michael,” you said, voice caught in your throat, “shit - dude- it’s - it’s back-” You took a breath, trying to calm yourself before continuing, “just - I need the Mountain Dew Red. Please-”

      You heard a distant, groggy “...what?” on the other hand as a hand fell over your own, causing you to slowly lower the phone as it appeared before you.

      It stood tall as ever, eyes gentle, manipulating your senses as you swore you felt warmth from it’s hand over your’s. “We can fix this.” It said, voice quiet. Soft. Gentle. “We can start over and make everything right.” 

      “I...” You whimpered, attempting to take a step back. Instinctively, you dropped your phone and shut your eyes and covered your ears in an attempt to drown everything out. “No.” The word spilled past your lips once, twice, too many times as tears rolled down your cheeks.

      Fingers grazed your cheek almost lovingly. “Just let me fix this, [y/n].” It said softly, almost kind, and you felt your stomach drop. “You can reboot me - just - another dose of regular Mountain Dew-”

      “No,” you shook your head, “I’m - you’d-”       

      “I’ll fix this. I promise-”

      The sound of frantic knocking at your front door was enough to force you to your feet as you rushed to answer before anyone else could wake up. “Michael-”

      Jeremy stood there, soaking wet and panting like crazy as he clutched a bottle of salvation within his right hand. He straightened up a bit, holding it out to you. “Sorry - Michael, uh, gave me a few bottles as back-up so I ran-” He said. 

      He shut up the moment you flung your arms around him, burying your face in his chest, completely ignoring the soda he carried in favor of comfort. Just for a second. That’s all you had needed. He stiffened up underneath you as you clung to him, only for you to pull away almost immediately after.

      After you took the bottle and unscrewed the cap, downing the drink with nothing with a minor headache following in it’s wake, Jeremy could only stare at you. “You... You really heard it, huh?”

      You winced, breath hitching as you swayed slightly. Jeremy’s hands found your shoulders, steadying you as you looked back up at him. “I-” You started, only to stop immediately, “thank you- I’m- I’m sorry you had to run here.” You paused, “I... didn’t know it was raining, or I wouldn’t have-”

      “It’s fine,” he said, letting go of you as he took a small step back. “I’m - I’m gonna head back home-”

      Thunder clapped. Lightning flashed in the distance. You reached out and caught him by the wrist, “stay here.” You said, “it’s - it’s late, and... and I don’t want you walking home in the rain.”

      He almost debated with you, but another growl of thunder was enough to debunk whatever argument he was formulating as he followed you inside. You locked your front door back, retreated back to your room to find some clean clothes that would hopefully fit him (thank fuck for all your baggy shit, still hidden away in your closet), and handed him a towel. The microwave chirped for what you could assume was the thousandth time, and you rushed to stop it - only to have to punch in more time. You could hear the shower running from the room over. The hum of the microwave, the smell of spices tinting the air... and you felt alive. You were there. Breathing. Heart pumping. Mind... going, at least - even if there were moments of betrayal there. You were still there, and it was strange to think about that sometimes.

      The water shut off abruptly, and you pulled yourself from your thoughts as you stopped the microwave just a second before it was meant to go off. As you seated yourself at the kitchen table, Jeremy emerged and made his way over to you. He pulled out the chair nearest to you, and slowly sank into it.

      “You feeling better?” You asked, looking up at him.       

      “I, uh, I should be asking you that.” 

      “You were sick too, Jeremy,” you said, “why’d you run here?”

      “You sounded scared,” he shrugged, “besides - I’m better-” Immediately he was cut off by a cacophony of coughs, as he turned away from you. “I’m fine. What about-” He finally looked back at you, still embarrassed of the shades of red he’d turned, “what about you?”

      You suppressed a smile. “I’m... decent.” You shrugged, “I’ve... never really seen it before tonight.” 

      “You haven’t?”

      “Nope.” You paused, “I dunno. Maybe being sick like... weakened me or something.” After another pause, you noticed Jeremy shiver. “You can take my room, Jer. It’s warmer - I’ll just - I’ll take the couch-”

     “It’s fine, [y/n] - I’ll just - I’ll sleep on the floor-”

     “You are not sleeping on the floor, Jeremiah,” you feigned offense, “you are a guest! You’ll take my room and I’ll sleep on the floor-”

     “You’re still sick too, y’know,” he retorted, “just - I’ll take one side of the bed if you want-”

     “Fine.” You frowned as you stood, “if you insist.” 

     After leaving the bowl in the sink, filled with water in the classic “it has to soak” manner, you lead Jeremy to your bedroom. You snagged your phone from the floor, plugging it back into charge as you took one side of your bed - making sure to stay as close to the edge as possible while Jeremy took the other. The room was almost silent, the sound of Jeremy breathing quiet enough to merely tint the air.

     Right as you started to fall asleep, you turned onto your back. “Jeremy?” You said, stifled by a yawn. When he hummed in acknowledgement, you continued, “thanks for coming here.”

     You barely caught his soft, almost hesitant “yeah, uh, no problem” as you fell asleep.

[thetrashywritingwitch]

Is it okay if i ask you a strange question? I just wanted to know how popular your blog is- not to be invasive, but I really love your stuff and always wanna write out nicely plotted fics with multiple chapters- but i feel like content that has multiple chapters and little NSFW doesnt get that much attention no matter the quality. Not that it will deter me from writing, but you're my absolute favorite writer on here and i got curious.

that’s fine! i dont mind sharing and being transparent

I have 4.3K followers on here ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ and you’re all amazing, thank you! I’m not not all of them are active and people left when tumblr did the bans last year but that’s alright :)

obviously, i don’t get you know, thousands of notes or that much interaction on my stuff compared to followers but no one does. I think i have maybe on scenario (the Bakugou punching a hole in the wall) that is nearing like 2k notes? and that’s about the highest anything i’ve written has gotten. WHICH IS A LOT I WAS LIKE???

THIS SPECIFIC THING IS WHAT PEOPLE LIKE I’M GLAD LAKDJAasfdaf

and I think it partly comes down to just the general attention-span of most people. You can read something that’s not super long quickly because we all have busy lives, but investing in something that’s like...novel-length like my fics? that’s a time investment that not everyone can commit to. And people leave fandoms, they find new blogs/content they engage with, etc.

do i wish that i got more active engagement and notes on my stuff? yeah, sure! I love talking to y’all and getting asks and answering stuff about my fics. I know that my general engagement dropped off once i stopped doing daily Asks/requests but I just didn’t have the time for it like i used to. I’m probably gonna open some up in January but i’m booked for the rest of the year and i’m just focusing on BSJFM, Need and Want, and some sequels to other things ive written

and yes, folks be horny af on main and i’m not gonna shame that pfft. and tbh i used to read a lot of that content myself! but even just over the past year i’ve changed and the type of content i read and engage with has changed and contextless NSFW stuff isn’t what i’m as interested in. I want to explore relationships, realistic interactions, and characters that don’t get nearly as much appreciation even in published novels and popular stuff. Like how there are sooooo many female protagonists who become strong due to sexual trauma. like, i’m tired of reading about people being sad and dealing with garbage! I want...happy lol please give me happy and healthy, let them be strong int heir own right while also having realistic experiences!

and of course if you wanna write that go ahead - but i can also write what i wanna write, too.

but i derailed...sorta. idk. thank you for sending this and asking about me and my blog. Soemtimes it can get discouraging with my current fic doesn’t even reach 100 notes on new chapters when other blogs get you know thousands of notes on their stuff. And that’s great for them! i want people to succeed and i want their creativity to be rewarded. but i’m also a selfish trash jerk and need dat validation tho 😍😍😍 it feels good get that hot serotonin surge when people enjoy what i write and engage with it and yell at me about it. or even...i wish i knew how i could improve? like, what am i doing wrong lol if anything! probably nothing. no one is obligated to enjoy my content but i can also be honest about wishing for more engagement, too

and you should definitely write whatever you wanna write!! even if you don’t get that many notes because ultimately it’s about putting out stuff because YOU WANNA WRITE THAT THING! which is ultimately what keeps me going 😚😚

i hope i didn’t derail too much and this helps you or answers a question...that you didn’t really have ;lakjsd;lfajk

thank you all for following me and enjoying my writing!

[hereliesbitches--me]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog.

REPOST. Don’t reblog.

Tagged by: @monsieur-de-paris​

What’s your OTP for your Muse?

At the moment, my most developed ship is Rosie and (@osteum‘s) Eddie Brock. Its my deepest passion for that reason, with the kind of dynamics they share, and the amount of interactions that stem around their association to each other. They have a whole family of 6 kids together (including the new addition of Dylan from the current Venom run) and honestly the ups and downs are what I live for. Its the chance I get to explore Rosie’s life as a Mom and a Wife and how she deals with it, mixed in with the regular events of her canon. How she deals with this deep love she has for Eddie and their family beyond any sane reason, and that butters my bread.

What are you willing to RP when it comes to shipping?

Generally anything? As long as im comfortable with my partner, and how Rosie feels towards the said muse, its almost free range. Naturally im not gonna be too cozy with the extremes but If it serves plot purposes maybe I can budge. I can’t really say my own limitation mostly because half the time I don’t really know my limits until suddenly its in my face and too much, then I go “Woah alright, thats enough”

Naturally, anything shipping related needs to be something I can realistically see happening with Rosie. And she’s a hard bird to crack.

How large does the age gap have to be to make it uncomfortable?

Rosie really a grownass woman with kids, and she’s immortal so she’s more likely than not older than her partner. But Rosie is not gonna date not teenager that could be her kid. Im not gonna flip my shit over huge age gaps as long as there’s good chemistry but Rosie isnt gonna date someone who’s like.. under 25. It largely depends on the maturity of a person that will be the hit or miss with her.

She tends to be interested in older muses either way,  It all varies by what gets plotted in a verse, but Rosie is a little more open to the idea of an older partner than she is someone younger. Even if she’ll never look past 32

Are you selective when shipping

At this point in time, im a tired old lady that literally just wants people to care for Rosie beyond being a tool for romance, so yeah. Im selective( arent we all?), but im generally open minded if we already chatted out some interesting dynamics. In the end, Rosie may be a sick person, but im not gonna have her jump dick or look for some V to slay just because she’s not that desperate of a character. If you wanna love Rosie, there’s gonna be a lot of baggage that is involved from emotional trauma and her off personality, along with her having kids ,

but if you’re ready to explore that field, im open. I just dont want something half assed, ya know? Need a partner thats just as enthusiastic about the ship as me, not someone just collecting her as a angsty neko girl they can go to whenever they don’t get what they want from someone else. Im a hella go big or go home type of Gal. I dont wanna end up looking dumb or making a fool out of Rosie for caring about a ship my partner doesn’t feel the same passion for. Im too tired to get treated like that. And Rosie deserves better than that.

How far do steamy moments have to go before they’re considered NSFW?

The moment dirty words start getting thrown in and the heavy petting turns into intentional acts of trying to turn her partner on, its nsfw and its going under read more. I have to be highly comfortable with my partner to actually be writing it but im not against it. Although it has yet to actually happen on my blog besides Rosie’s dirty jokes. Who knows what the future holds.

Who are other muses you ship your muse with

Atm, Rosie’s partners all have their separate verses and I fucking love them all 

@quantahope with Rosie’s spaceman, Wendell. Its still in development but man is it delicious suffering and growing

@maxskulline has dragged me into the pokefandom with Max and Guzma, so Rosie and Max have that close BFF friendship with that touch of intimate passion thrown in there.

@fcllenstcr Rosie’s infamous relationship with the devil who’s nothing but trouble. There’s a lot of background history that goes into the relationship, but give em a few thousand years and suddenly Rosie finds herself the new Queen of Hell keeping the old snake in line.

 @Cecidesent is Rosie’s main apostle husband, Guts. Written by Will too, Guts and Rosie is probably one of the oldest ships I got and I love them.

Does one have to ask to ship with you?

I would think its common courtesy to ask and not just force your muse onto another. Rosie is not exactly an easy person to just throw in with and chances are if you try she’s gonna shy away because bitch doesn’t know how to handle someone being equally interested in her. I would like to have talked for a while before throwing in with shipping , make sure our muses have good standing because Im not here to have Rosie used as a sex doll right away. But if you see some chemistry there, feel free to ask! Highkey chance im probably into it as well and have been too shy to ask.

How often do you like to ship?

Not often at this point. Im more concerned with Rosie making meaninful friendships nire than I am shipping her off with every person that comes along. There’s a lot of things to accept when shipping with Rosie and many things about her that arent just gonna magically go away just because she’s with someone. I dont mind it but its certainly not my priority.

Are you multiship?

The above information should tell ya by now that I am, however I do have my mains. The more passion and dedication you show me, the equal passion I put in myself. Thats how it goes for me and Rosie. Just fair treatment, ya know?

Are you ship obsessed or ship more-or-less?

Ship more-or-less . Really not a priority but if it happens, it happens.

What is your favorite ship in your current fandom

Naturally, EddieRosie and Gutsie take the cake right now since they are the most developed I have so far.

Finally, how does one ship with you?

Please just write with me and talk with me.

 Thats all it takes. 

Good chemistry, dont yank my chain and trail me along with fake interest, and im probably gonna already be into it. 

Tagging: @curiousobjecthead​ @quantahope​ @thewhitepoison​  @draconicmatriarch​ @sunkissedkxd and anyone else who hasent done it!