#i don't want to be negative or self-absorbed or any of the things i am

[astrobookwormsinger]

AGENDA:

enter hellsite app with sole purpose

ignore dash/feed in case it triggers some weird stuff

immediately go to profile

click on palette button to edit profile

erase description cause it was cringe anyway

update my age to correspond as I did with every other social media profile of mine just minutes ago

post this post for whatever reason, only on this hellsite also for whatever reason

leave hellsite app, probably never to return for the next few months

X

[theambitiouswoman]

I have been celibate for 3+ years & I wanted to share how this has helped shaped who I am.

Disclaimer: This is not me telling you what to do with your life and your bodies. It comes with zero judgement. I am of the belief that there is a season for everything, and we evolve into many different people in our life. I would be remiss if I didn't say that I definitely think it's a good idea to practice it. I do believe that psychologically, spiritually & emotionally having casual sex has a lot of negative implications for both men and women. However your beliefs around intimacy are purely up to you. Sex isn't bad, that's not what I am saying, but when you are having sex with someone you are absorbing their energy, and the energy of their past lovers too, so having sex with the wrong person can really ruin you.

Honestly the idea of anyone touching me if they do not meet my needs emotionally, mentally, physically etc absolutely disgusts me. I have never been of the type of let anyone "have me" but even more so now. Remember that when you start treating yourself differently, your perspectives and the things you are attracted to also start to change.

Maybe some girls don't understand this so I am going to say it. You do not have to sleep with a man for him to like you, love you, treat you well, or buy you things. If you haven't experienced this, you may not agree. But this is my reality and the reality of so many others, so yes it is actually totally possible.

I will say that the first year can be difficult but after that it gets much easier cause your mindset changes. I recommend taking that first year to really dive in and analyze your relationships, work on your wounds etc. Feeling lonely is something I see come up a lot, and while human beings are not designed to be alone, you should not feel lonely and that is probably a good starting point to work on with yourself if that is the case.

Anyway, these are some of the changes I have experienced:

1. Greater mental clarity and can focus more on personal goals, career & self development.

2. Reduced emotional turbulence. Creating better emotional balance and inner peace.

3. Realizing self love and self worth come from you, rather than seeking external validation. It reduces stress, increases self awareness & provides identity outside of others.

4. Higher standards, better boundaries. Intimacy is a choice, not a necessity. Being unable to control your lust is a weakness. Understand that falling in love purely through sex is lust, wounds and attachment / abandonment issues, need for validation, insecurity etc.

5. Insane increase to intuition.

6. Gives you control over your body and life. It allows you to be more selective about who you let into their personal space.

7. Increased creativity & passion to channel into art, projects, or other personal endeavors.

8. For those recovering from past trauma or heartbreak, celibacy can be a time for healing and self reflection. It offers the space to process emotions, heal old wounds and rediscover yourself.

9. No energetic enmeshments with toxic souls, which btw you are absorbing all of it. Grosses me out any time I think about it.

10. Even prettier than before (but i'm sure not entertaining toxic men and drama contributes to that as well)

11. People are even more drawn to be because of my strong sexual energy & pure aura.

[terra-sketches]

EXTREMELY LONG CHARACTER ANALYSIS OF GEN NARUMI (ft. his one-sided beef with Kafka Hibino)

(Spoilers for the Kaiju no. 8 manga!!)

Maybe I'm just missing smth but i can't for the LIFE of me gauge Narumi's feelings about Kafka.

Before Isao's absorption, Gen is irritated at the suggestion that the First Division needs help from a daikaiju. He insists that he can handle No. 9 on his own and would rather have Kafka turned into a suit. Harsh. He straight up just sees Kafka as another kaiju and doesn't give a single fuck about Kafka's personal reasons for joining the force.

After Isao gets absorbed, Gen backtracks and is like "never-mind, actually I could use your strength now that I know what we're up against" and that's nice and all but then he's also like "I don't care if you turn into a kaiju, I'll just kill you". So you know, two steps forward, three steps back. He still doesn't want to humanize Kafka and that's??? bizarre to me?? Like Kafka has NEVER wronged Gen or done anything to offend him and yet Gen refuses to acknowledge his humanity more than a simple "We really shouldn't let a solider keep fighting to their detriment.... but I'm gonna ask you to stay anyway"

Gen isn't a heartless asshole, we SEE how chill/informal he can be with Kikoru and the rest of the First Division at times, so wtf is his weirdness with Kafka about? His feelings are a little TOO cold when they realistically should be more on the neutral side (like how Isao felt, a very "nothing personal" vibe).

Then Kafka asks Gen to help with private training and Gen's expression is so unreadable??? Is he mad? Does he care? Wtf is going on? Why is he always glaring at Kafka? Is that just his "serious captain" face? Why'd he activate his kaiju eyes? GEN WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? DO YOU SEE KAFKA AS AN ALLY OR A FOE? AND WHY?

UPDATE: ok so I’ve thought about it while this sat in my drafts and I can answer my own musings.

I take back what I said about Kafka never upsetting Gen.

Yes he did lol, he TOTALLY did.

And Gen won’t get over it anytime soon but he’s making an effort post-Isao's death. To sum it up, they got off on the wrong foot and Gen is still huffy about it.

Gen’s first impression of Kafka amounts to “Dangerous Daikaiju! Almost killed Mr. Isao >:(“ and that negative sentiment bleeds into every future interaction with Kafka. That’s why he’s unusually hostile and apathetic toward Kafka.

I mean, put yourself in Gen’s shoes.

A 9.8 fortitude (highest fortitude recorded in history) daikaiju is discovered to have been living among the humans (huge red flag) at the third division and your mentor (whom you care about a whole lot) wants to poke at it to test its humanity. You would rather just neutralize the threat while it seems docile but noooooooo, everyone wants to see what it can do. So you’re on standby to watch it plead for it’s life to your mentor. First it's a little pathetic, pretty human actully, but then it goes fucking bonkers on your mentor. You’re waiting for the signal to jump in. But Isao won't give the signal even as he's getting his shit rocked. And you’re like, ‘holy shit am I about the watch this man die!? I gotta get tf out there!” Then No. 8 stabs itself in a freak display of "self-control"??? And finally you arrive ready to kill it but Isao tells you not to?? Like “ok, you’re the boss” but now what?? What are they even gonna do with this unpredictable freak?

Next thing you know, Isao wants you to WORK ALONGSIDE the thing that almost killed him? And you’re like “no wtf, I don’t need its help” bc hello?? You don't trust this unstable thing (and you're kinda prideful). However, Isao insists and you respect Isao enough to reluctantly go along with it. You make sure No. 8 knows its place though! If it makes one wrong move then it’s DEAD MEAT!! No. 8 tries to gives some sob story but you don’t care. It proved how dangerous it can be to humans and that makes it just like any other kaiju. It's past as a human doesn't matter anymore.

End scene---

I understand Gen now omg?? He’s just being cautious, protective even. He doesn’t want someone else to fight No. 8 and get themselves killed (also killing one of the strongest recorded daikiaju in history would be a massive ego boost). That’s why he makes it crystal clear that he’ll kill Kafka if anything happens and that's also why Kafka knows to go to Gen to train his kaiju form.

Gen really will just fucking kill him if things go wrong. And Kafka’s okay with that because he gets that he's a threat. (ouch)

Kikoru doesn’t share Gen feelings and that’s only because Kikoru knew Kafka before the Isao vs. No. 8 fight. Kafka saved her twice so she knows he’s a good man. (Even though he beat the shit out of her father LMAO)

[draconicsnail]

The whole "oh that person did [insert bad thing]? What a psychopath/narcissist!" "That person is so stupid and autistic! (Because they don't perfectly fit in) " thing happening right now is actually so disgusting.

These things are MEDICAL DIAGNOSES. Not insults to be used like stupid or moron. (which, what a shocker, used to be a medical diagnosis, but people used them wrong and turned them into insults!)

Narcissists can become and are often self aware and can better themselves. Not all of them are abusive, self-absorbed terrible peoplelike many people want to portray them as. And even if they are, *this is still a medical diagnosis and a disorder. Not just a few negative personality traits or being slightly more self-absorbed. *

The majority of psychopaths are NOT in fact murderers! Or evil! Just because someone has lowered empathy or whatever doesn't make them any less human. And although this can lead to them hurting other people, as stated earlier, this is a DISORDER, not just someone being awful for shits and giggles! This is not to excuse their actions but to explain it.

And as for autism. There is NO REASON for autism to be an insult or stigmatized at all. I can at least slightly UNDERSTAND, not excuse, the other ones being used like they are, but for autism? Autistic people are not stupid because they don't understand your subtle social cues. They're not overly sensitive because they can't handle loud noises or weird textures. There is nothing wrong with being autistic. There is nothing wrong with being DIFFERENT, whether that be due to autism or not. I could go on and on about this, but let me just move on.

Now, on to something that just baffles me even more: the common use of r*tard by neurotypical, perfectly abled people. ANOTHER example of a diagnosis-turned slur/insult. There is never a good reason to use this word against others. It has been used against (usually neuro-developmentally or intellectually) disabled people for decades, maybe even centuries, to discriminate against them and other them. Even now, when disabled people are more accommodated for (even though it still isn't nearly enough) this word is still used, and they are still othered by those who will never understand the struggles of being disabled, yet still discriminate against them. Although I do have inattentive ADHD, I will still NEVER be able to understand many's struggles with their disabilities, and I know I am incredibly privileged to be able to say that.

These words being used as insults just further others and pushes away these people from society. It is discriminatory and these words should NOT be used as insults and just thrown around all willy-nilly like many people like to nowadays.

(Please correct me in tags or reblog this with a comment if I was incorrect about something. I am open to criticism, and will edit this post accordingly.)

[letmereadinpeace4]

I have finally finished the first part of the second episode and have reached the actual family conference. I have a lot of thoughts about George/Shannon and Jessica/Kanon.

I cannot really bring myself to ship either couple. They do have cute moments together, but I feel like their romantic feelings are mostly due to the fact that the other is fulfilling a need or resolving an insecurity rather than an actual connection.

George loves Shannon, but his feelings seem to be mostly helped by the fact that her fawning over him and her being formerly interested in Battler helps his insecurities and his feelings of inferiority. In a perhaps even worse way, Jessica's feelings for Kanon seem to be mostly due to him being one of the few men her age she has around (even the narration acknowledges it). As for Shannon and Kanon, and by extensions Sayo, her feelings are a complicated mess between being envious of them, admiring them, being grateful for the attention and interest and looking for a way to escape their place as "furniture". Overall, neither character seems to have genuine appreciation for their love interest as an actual person.

Another thing that bothers me is that George and Jessica come from a place of immense privilege and are, in many although different ways, incredibly self-absorbed (yes Jessica, please tell the orphan who was raised as a charity case, cannot go to high school and works his ass off as sixteen that YOU were born under an unlucky star).

While the story shows us how they are negatively impacted by this position in terms of familial pressure, they are still in a place where, in one hand, they have some measure of freedom to determine the person they want to be or present themselves as, and on the other hand, they have never suffered any amount of actual grave consequences and trauma. Because of this, their speeches of love and their protests against Shannon and Kanon calling themselves furniture ring very hollow. They do not understand Sayo's trauma and are in no way equipped to handle it and while this is certainly not their faults, their reactions really show how much they do not have the proper tools and insight to get to the actual core of the problem.

Furthermore, the cynical part of myself wonders how much their feelings will last when faced with the backlash from their choice of partners. Sure, George talks about how he does not care about what anyone will say, but will he say the same thing when his parents refuse to support him financially and he has to work a difficult or boring job to support his family? When his wife is used to humiliate him ? When he constantly faces comments and jokes about his partners? When he has to handle Sayo's trauma and the way it impacts her and her self-esteem? Hell, when he has to handle that he will never have any biological children? It is easy to say "I don't care what anyone says, I am marrying you" but the biggest obstacle is not the actual opposition, it is the length of time and the constant little annoying things that happen every day.

However what I find most interesting in this romantic nonsense is that some of these criticisms can be applied to Battler and Beatrice. By understanding the weaknesses in George/Shannon and Jessica/Kanon, we are prepared to see where Battler messes up with Beatrice and where she messes up with him. Battler can also be pretty self-involved, engaging more in the how done it that the why done it (which will eventually cause Beatrice's death). Beatrice also seems to be using Battler as a mean to an end. However, where George/Shannon and Jessica/Kanon never had the chance to overcome these flaws, Beatrice and Battler eventually were forced to face these flaws and grow up.

[everythingstarstuff]

To qualify, this is simply a morning routine and general perspective that keeps me sane. Not on a soapbox. I have C-PTSD, ADHD, bipolar 2 and panic disorder. I've had three suicide attempts.I have a multitude of physical health issues as well. And lastly, I am an alcoholic and addict who has had four overdoses and this is a routine that keeps me from being miserable to the point that I don't want to exist.

Just keep your head up, move forward, one good decision at a time, incrementally life can become easier to brave. When your body or your brain isn't well, trust and believe I understand how difficult this next part is but just go along with me here...Every morning, as soon as you wake up, meditate. 5 minutes, 10, 60, any amount you have time for and can't handle. My brain is always racing so I do 5-10. Imagine your favorite color, imagine that colored light coming in through the top of your head and running through your entire body cleansing it of any negativity. In through the nose and out of the mouth, and on the breath out imagine that any tension or negative energy is going out of your lungs, grey and black, going down being absorbed by the earth. 

Then when you are done meditating, outloud, give thanks. Thank the universe for the miracle that being alive another day is. Thank the universe for things you desire, as if they are already there. Like I say, "thank you for healing me" "thank you for clarity" "thank you for guidance" "thank you for deep inner peace". Ask the universe, the Source, God if you're religious, whatever power it is that you think is higher than you, could even just be your higher self, for direction in your thinking and action throughout the day. Then finally ask that you can help someone in some way, however small it may be, that day. 

The most powerful suggestion is probably focus. What we focus on, grows. When you find your mind ruminating over the same negative thoughts, catch it and redirect your thinking to something positive. Look for the good in people, look for the good and the beauty in every day. 

Practice radical acceptance of what is. The less we resist reality the more it hurts. Be like the water running down the mountain through the rocks instead of the rock that is being worn down by the water. This morning routine gets my head straight and in a good place to face the day. It's been helping to keep me sober and is helping more and more on every level the more I practice. 

And one more thing...Life is a series of blessings, then challenges, then blessings, then tragedy, then miracles, then challenges again. We can choose our perspective, that is where our power lies. I choose to look at every challenge as a growing opportunity. And with that I then try to be present and cherish all the good stuff. Nothing is permanent, the only constant is change. The river is gonna run, might as well go with the flow rather than flail and resist the current!

[radiocmyk]

no those are songs, who are YOUU

Good morning! Thought about it last night and I couldn't think of a joke so I'm gonna do earnest. I know you're referencing the post about people answering "who are you" with their name, but since you're presumably not a Buddhist monk, I think it's OK if I fail the test

Some nouns I have thoughts on: Listener and stranger. I think of myself as unremarkable. I thought of myself as weird, but then I heard that weird people don't think of themselves as weird, which makes me not weird, so I think disquietingly abstruse is better. Leaving, changing, becoming are my only permanent verbs. I'm everything in pieces I was before I stopped being it and moved on, like writers and academics and ghosts and burnouts. Stargazer. Idler. I love meandering. I am not swift. I get altitude sickness going to sea level. Distance is something you drink and time is something you drown in. There's a reason I'm so fond of the word "cento." I shared songs when I got asked who I am because I speak for myself only through theft and alterations of others' words and pictures. Like a neural network. I want to go home. I called myself stargazer because I used to stand in the grass at night, looking up and wondering which one was where I was supposed to be instead of here. My favorite color is grey because it can be any color if you look long enough but not too hard. It's hard to tell where the metaphors end and I begin. When I said I think of sounds as sustenance I was being literal. Stars look a lot like little creatures when you don't realize you drifted out of orbit.

Worried that wanting to answer the question earnestly instead of with a joke makes me self-absorbed, but also that doing it with negativities makes me self-loathing, and it's probably both. But I also like to engage in idle honesty as a pastime when I'm bored and I hate that I care so much whether I'm annoying. I think Lazarus was too remarkable of a song to choose to describe me, to be honest. I could also maybe have picked two happier ones. Maybe when I'm manic I will. When I'm manic I tend to relate to songs that sound solar and when I'm depressed I tend to relate to songs that sound limnetic.

My favorite movie is the one that gave me a panic attack. I let everything just happen to me even though I don't have to and it's not easier. I think smiling at people is for their benefit, not yours. I think smiling at people is essential. I think smiling at people is killing me slowly. I called myself a listener because sometimes people say I only ever listen and never have thoughts of my own. There's a reason I'm so fond of the word "anachronism." I like changing timezones because I already feel things in a different time. I like lighthouses because I could never be one. Even if I was, my foglight would shine grey. I called myself a stranger because I think all the people who've called me a listener never actually knew me. Bioluminescence looks a lot like stars when you don't realize your ship sank.

There's a reason I'm so fond of the word "myriad." I think my eyes are more like mirrors than windows, but souls aren't real anyway so I'll probably be alright. I still haven't passed the Turing test I gave myself. I think all the people I know are remarkable. I mimic. I wait. I don't want anything ever.

And I echo.

[monratarot]

Hi, I wanna join your free reading. I hope I still get the opportunity.

My initials APR, she/her, June 3 ‘99, lately I’ve been having dreams about pregnancy, but it turns out they were dreams for my brother. His wife is pregnant. I am quite happy to be an aunty.

My question is about my FS. I wanna ask about my FS channeled message for me in this current situation because I believe I’ve never met him yet. If u can, please also tell me about his current situation now (if not, it’s okay🙏).

Do tell me if my question is burdensome for you.

Thank you so much & have a good day ❤️❤️

Hello, dear @bluebutterfliese! Thank you for your interest in my blog and your request.♡ 🦋

Feedback is very much appreciated and if you consider tipping me, you can do so on my ☕️ko-fi.

Count of questions/requests and answers 10/30

Without wasting any time, let's get into your reading!

So I see that now it's a time to take a step back and assess your emotional situation, any relationship will flourish or fail based on how it is cared for and nourished. You will deal with someone with dark eyes, a young person with brown or black hair, someone who is charming, clever, a very good company. They are a person that doesn't treat others with sensitivity. This person will make you feel like you are reconnecting to the youthful childlike energies that you experienced when you were younger, but now you can see it all from an adult viewpoint. If you are with someone or talking with someone you are going to connect in a whole new way. Either way, even if it's new or even if it's going to happen shortly, it's a good time for you to spend laughing or feeling shy or vulnerable.

Be confident that you are on the right track. This person can be a successful one, an event or parade organizer, a soldier, a movie star, a lawyer, a judge, scientist, but be careful because they might be a narcissist. There are signs that there can be a proposal or marriage. It is a great time to think about what you want from this relationship and vocalize it. Don't rush into things, focus on the positive rather than the negative, talk about everything, and find common grounds in your relationship. Explore new hobbies together because this person is your soulmate. Also, you might need to know that this person is independent, self-disciplined, sharp as a razor, and can cut to the heart of the situation very quickly. They might also come as demanding, cold, arrogant, detached, absorbed in problem-solving, skeptical, and sometimes insensitive to other's emotions. This person values hones communication and self-discipline. But they will support you in everything you want to do and they will learn how to understand your emotions. You will both start to learn new things from each other and about each other. The are opportunities for joyful moments and forward motion., sweet successes. So my dear, if you are talking with someone right now they are not your special person. Someone new will come on your way and it will be a good influence for you. Happiness is on your way. And it can help you create a family so be careful if you don't want to be a parent soon :) Angel message: When you surrender to the guidance of your Higher Self, all the energy you have been using in resistance becomes available to you. Vitality, inner peace, harmony, and most of all love, are your spiritual rewards. So flow with the pace of life. Relax and tune it. Then follow the guidance of your intuition knowing that the angels will support you at all times. Affirmation: I surrender to the flow of life. Wish you only the best!🍀

Moni🧚‍♀️

[furiousgoldfish]

My family are okay, and it could be a lot worse than it becoming more ... influenced these days? They've been listening much more frequently to gateway alt right stuff (in front of me at least) and gone a bit heavy in the religion aspect of stuff. Had a bit of a panic attack when they listened to some anti-lgbt stuff in front of me (in the closet)

They themselves were abused in their own childhoods (though they definitely wouldn't put it that way + normalized back when they were growing up) so maybe i should cut them some slack? Apart from occasional slaps on my hand and when i was younger they used to bang my head with knuckles a bit if they were really mad. Theyve apologised for it but do mention how back in their day it was way worse.

I dont know i guess ive been thinking much more about the future recently and how theyd HATE it if they found out some of the stuff i really think. Lots of yelling. Its embarrassing to talk about this with friends.

This sounds dumb when i put it into words but for years now ive been forced to keep a diary. I liked the idea of having one and writing down about my self so i went with it until one day i wrote about how mad i was at them. They read it despite me telling them not to and made me apologise and write down how sorry i was for doing that. There was a lot of yelling. I cried. They openly read what i write now and kinda force me to do it. ngl I kinda hate the thing now. Was that wrong of them?

maybe this is too vague for a checklist but request for one about signs your family is going down a conspiracy rabbithole/signs your parents are victims of misinformation would be nice. This ended up rambly im sorry.

Anon, I am so sorry, this sounds like an absolutely terrifying experience. You're blameless in all of this, you're perfect as you are, but your parents are actively participating in a hate group against your own person, in front of you, consistently exposing you to that narrative, and that is like being in the enemy's lair, isn't it? It has to affect your well being negatively, to hear those sorts of things, it's like you're forced every day to listen to perspectives of people who absolutely despise you, think you shouldn't exist or be the way you are, and who are ready to go and hurt anyone who is like you.

No, you do not need to cut them any slack. Were you any of their parents who did those things to them? No? Were you the founder of the culture where were hit, or force children to hit themselves? I don't think it's possible, since you weren't even born when that shit started. So your responsibility for this is zero. Yet these two people are coming at you asking you to be grateful they're not doing worse to you. Apparently by the logic of 'we had it bad, now you have to be grateful when we do bad things to you'. As if.

No person or being who was abused in the past, regardless of how badly, has the 'free card' to now inflict similar abuse on you. That is completely ridiculous and if that were true, than anyone abused would be going around hurting everyone else and it would be 'fine' because that person was abused as well. That kind of thinking only brings forth more abuse and trauma and nothing else. You did nothing to deserve any of that shit. If their parents hurt them, they should go ahead and take it up with their own parents. Except, they don't, do they? Because they cowards and prefer blaming and directing it towards their child.

If you had a kid, would you want that kid to be grateful you're hurting them slightly less than your parents are doing to you? It sounds insane, doesn't it. You'd want your kid to be happy and safe from ANY abuse, not paying for whatever anyone else has done to you in the past. Because that kid is innocent and did nothing to warrant bearing the burden of your past. And you are that kid right now, you are asked to bear the burden of the abuse that got absorbed into culture, abuse that your parents suffered and abuse they feel entitled to inflict onto you, and for what? It doesn't make anything better or fairer. It doesn't make the world a better place if you're getting hurt in it. If your parents think it's normal they can do it to their parents, thats none of your business. You're a kid brought into that family by no will of your own, subjected to horrifying shit and told you should bear it like it's normal. It's not normal. No child deserves this.

I also have to say that banging your own head with knuckles is especially vicious and victim-blaming abuse to do, I'm sickened by the very thought, and if they felt sorry for that, they would have never done it. It sounds like they'll do just anything in anger and expect 'sorry' to fix it. Sorry doesn't fix abuse. They shouldn't have slapped your wrists either.

The last part of your ask really had me in shock and horror, because that was such an intimate invasion of your privacy, and for them not even even feel sorry or ashamed for invading your private boundaries like that, but to be enraged you dared to feel anger? It's disgusting what they did. They should be so deeply ashamed. Any normal people would realize there's something wrong with them if their child is so mad and would take it as a sign to do some introspection and to evaluate whether they've been unfair, cruel, abusive or hateful to the kid, that is if they already went so far to read your diary without your permission, that they forced you to have!

Their reactions prove that they're so dead-set on controlling you, they even want to control your inner thoughts, convince you that you have no right to anger, no right to human feelings or human expressions, that you should be like a robot who only listens to commands and reacts in the way they want to. It's dehumanizing, disgusting and insanely cruel. You're a human being who's been hurt. Of course you're angry. You have the right to anger. You should have the right to express it in any way you want to, not just to write it in your private diary, but to yell and scream and fight back. But you got punished and had to take your own words back, when you did the least possible expression of it, writing it down privately.

Here's a post that feels relevant, explaining why it's wrong for parents to suppress anger in their children. Here's another one on importance of anger.

They know that any sign of your anger is a proof of their abuse, and that's why they're fighting so hard to suppress it. If they put that energy in trying to be good parents, they could have been great parents to you. They made their choices. Just based on this shameless and gross invasion of privacy and trying to control even your thoughts, it sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies, and they should not be trusted with a child.

I wish I could give you the checklist you asked for, but I have no experience whatsoever on parents, or people, who are being sucked into conspiracy theories, I think I've read articles about it, on topics like QAnon, explaining the phenomena, I'll try to find the post explaining why do people fall for conspiracy theories in general. Here it is. I hope it helps.

If anyone has more resources on conspiracy theories or knows about a checklist, please link it to this post.

[junebugwriter]

Transition III

I have a problem, and the problem is that I push myself too fast all the damn time.

I say this specifically in regards to the rate at which I'm transitioning. I met with my therapist this past week, and I talked about the struggles I'm facing with going in public in girlmode. Last week, I was in public again and had a panic attack. I did great--I went to the doctor, I went to Ulta to get some starter makeup, then Target to get my HRT--but I still panicked. The core of my problem is not any transphobia or hostility I faced, but rather my own self-confidence. I don't have any.

We dug down into the root causes of it. How I never developed a healthy sense of self because of my history of an abusive relationship and then a toxic work environment right as I began my career. I was caught up in a slew of demoralizing experiences, which chipped away at my self-identity to the point where I didn't have much of a sense of self at all for the majority of my adulthood. So how in the hell am I supposed to be self-confident now when I don't even know how to be confident in the first place?

Not that I had much confidence in childhood or adolescence mind you. Being deep in denial about my gender identity, coupled with the constant background radiation of living in small-town conservative Texas, there was little chance of me having any kind of healthy sense of self. So what makes me think that I can just go outside and walk around Target in feminine clothes and not crumple into a puddle of anxiety at the horror of existing in public as my authentic self.

I'm scared of that authenticity, because most of my life, I've been told I was wrong in some way. Deficient. Incorrect. Not "man" enough. My brain has retained all those negative thoughts deep in the recesses of my mind. I know why it tells me these things. Brains are really good at survival, but not very good at making a person happy. Brains and human instinct for millennia of human development were focused entirely on surviving to the next day and reproducing a new generation. My mind has absorbed all the rules, norms, and social knowledge so that I can police myself into conforming better.

I know I was pretty garbage at it, but the part of my brain that wants to protect me still wants me to conform. Being honest in the past has gotten me hurt. Being authentic has always backfired against me. So my fear of stepping outside of any norm or social safety structure is a real struggle.

This past week, I went to go see an opera in San Francisco. While there, my partner got my attention, and pointed out someone who was worthy of note. This person was tall, had a beard, full makeup, and the most elegant of black evening gowns and some killer heels. I only saw this person in passing, but immediately I envied their aesthetic and confidence. They were strong enough to go to the opera as themselves, resplendent in gender nonconforming glory. They were happy, free, and beautiful. I was in boymode, because I couldn't bear to be in public and ruin the night with a panic attack that could have been avoided. But seeing them made me hopeful that I might be able to do the same in the future.

I'll try my best to be more classically feminine. I want to be that way, because that's what comes natural to me. But I need to slow down. I need to allow myself to build up the confidence necessary to be myself. I might get there one day. Just not yet. And I can't hurry myself any faster than I need to be.

So I will be patient. I'll try to build up my confidence on days when I'm not in public. Be myself when I have the moral reserves for it. As much as I wish I could go faster, transition is a process that takes an achingly long time to go through. And I'm only beginning. I've got to give myself the grace to go slow.

[xtrablak674]

But Is It Vanity?

[This is my job right here, to get the children to think about the things they say and the assumptions they make. And to do it in a way that isn't humiliating, shameful or generally off-putting. I do think its the one quality as an Uncle, Titi, Titi or not-parent that I am very good at, if I do say so myself.]

M: You have a high opinion of yourself and your appearance. That is a big sign of vanity, especially your worth. Vanity refers to appearance, opinion and self worth. You have large amounts of pride in all of those. Dressing nice isn’t a sign of vanity, talking about it and showing it off is.

A person that dresses like you but doesn’t take photos or never brings it up would not be considered vain. Your extensive photos can count as showing off. It’s not a bad thing to be vain. You have a high opinion of yourself. Good for you, be confident!

T: Buenos tardes sobrino, you're analysis is very curious to me, because I'm un-partnered, all my parents are dead, and I don't have children of my own. So, who is necessarily supposed to document my existence, or the fact that I was even here? Now do I share photos with maybe less than six people, its probably like five, yes I do.

Let me tell you where I don't share photos anymore, not on Facebook, I shut that down. I've used Instagram stories to post my different looks in the past, but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not really here to perform for folks or allow them to live vicariously through me. #LiveYourOwnLife

I dress nicely because I like to look nice, I could actually go without sharing the photos because I'm documenting myself primarily for myself, because at the end of the day I don't think anyone really cares.

If there's no documentation, did it really happen? Did I exist, did I leave a mark, did my life have value? Is thats self-absorbed, or vain, or full of myself, to want to be remembered or recalled, or is that human?

M: I don’t view you as self absorbed or anything nasty like that. You’re handsome and you’re happy with that, which I think is awesome. I’m sorry if I came off as rude, to myself the term vain isn’t something negative, as so I just viewed it as a trait like any other. The documentation of yourself is fair, at the end of the day I know very little of whom you communicate with or what so I could only comment on how it came off from my perspective.

T: Which is fair.

I used to broadcast wider, but that no longer felt authentic, many of those folks couldn't care less if I took another breath. And those who were vicariously living through my life were also leeches in my opinion, so I cut them off. Now I share with less than five folks, those rare moments when I actually leave the house.

I also share with my microblog, with its three followers, which will be my personal eulogy about my life in my own words after I am gone, well for as long as Tumblr is online which may be less than ten years, you never know.

I remember being jealous of this girlfriend who always had photographers around her documenting her life and accomplishments and I said to myself, I will be my own historian documenting my own life, because no one else is. No one may ultimately look or care, but maybe one image may survive beyond me, and maybe it will bring a smile to someone, or inspire them to become their own fashion icon.

I am a pariah in my life, the last one left behind with few still alive who are even concerned about my well-being. Documenting good moments is a way to say, hey I still matter, and I have something to offer even if no one is partaking. I find happiness in the unadulterated celebration of myself. #💌

M: That was really well written. Thank you for sharing that with me Titi❤️

Sometimes the young people forget that their elders have as much below the surface life as they do, we are full human beings with depth, doubts and concerns about our mortality. Approaching the challenge with love is all we can do in reminding them or teaching them who we are.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

[badbraincake]

How to never be embarrassed again.

I just embarrassed myself for the fourth time this week but luckily it's Thursday. Or not so luckily. Depending on how you think about it. But I wanted to share my take on embarrassment and how I've been dealing with it.

First I look at the facts.

First off, when has being embarrassed ever come with any consequences? I think many of us believe that there will be some kind of follow up to this embarrassing situation. Almost no one is going to come up to you and try to make you feel bed or remind you of an embarrassing thing that you did. And if by the off chance, they do. Then they're the one's embarrassing themselves.

Second off, how many embarrassing situations do you remember that are not your own? Not many, I'm guessing. And how many of those events do you think of often or have an opinion on? So we can learn two things from this. One, people don't remember other people's embarrassing moments. And two, people aren't likely to have any kind of opinion on it if they do remember.

Then, I try to understand what's going on internally.

First, embarrassment is a part of life. It just is. Everyone is going to have an embarrassing story or something that they'd rather not have experienced. But the good news is, you can learn how to absorb that feeling and process it quicker. And over time, it'll hurt and hinder you much less.

Second, why does it matter what someone else thinks? Why do I care if they are impressed or not? Or if they thing I'm strange or not? That's a little bit silly considering we'll probably never interact again or they'll never make me feel embarrassed for what i did.

Third, I try to learn to accept all parts of myself and of the situation. Okay it happened and I can't undo it. But you know what? Those people probably won't remember. They are most likely not so cruel and mean as to gossip about me behind my back or bring it up to me. They probably didn't even perceive it as embarrassing, it's just a thing that happened in their proximity. All I can really do is live in the moment and move on from it. There will most likely not be consequences or aftermath (that I can see). If they talk about me behind my back or think negatively about me, that is none of my business. So let's move on, you know?

It's also important to note that I am trying to solidify how I see myself and learn to consistently see myself in a positive light. So when or if, someone else's projection of me arises. Especially in an embarrassing situation, I can still know who I am and my sense of self isn't warped by what they think.

[azure-cherie]

PAC : self care tips

Intuitive reading

Hello beautiful people what's up? Did you drink enough water and did you keep your mental health above all ?

𝒮ℯ𝓃𝒹𝒾𝓃ℊ 𝓁ℴ𝓋ℯ 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒽ℯ𝒶𝓁𝒾𝓃ℊ 𝓉ℴ 𝓎ℴ𝓊.♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎

The pac here will be focusing on the area of self care you're missing up on , which can be improved. Choose an image with your intuition .

🌱 DISCLAIMER : Take what resonates , don't do something you're uncomfortable with , i am not a self care professional , i give what I get . If you want to choose everything go for it , choose anything from any pile just take the best care of yourself 💚.

💚pile 1 :

Don't do something you're uncomfortable with and do a temporary test before applying it to your daily care .

Citrus infused water ( lemon , orange , Clementine) , it can aid in refreshing yourself , make the metabolism faster , help in clearing the skin , helps in weight loss etc .

Oatmeal with bananas , helps in lowering blood sugar level and provides antioxidants , helps skin itching , and aids in digestion .

Running in the morning/evening improves cardiovascular fitness and strengthens muscles .

Pranayama breathing yogic practice of Breath control , helps in improving mindfulness , reduces blood pressure and helps in improving cognitive functioning.

Get grounded go out in nature , spend some time alone don't worry all your work can be done later .

💚pile 2 :

Don't do something you're uncomfortable with and do a temporary test before applying it to your daily care .

Check the ingredients in your skin care products , i sense some of your products contain a lot of harmful chemicals , instead go for more natural brands or homemade stuff.

Try listening to binaural beats , relieves anxiety , improves cognition, helps in mediation etc . Do not overuse , especially in the night , I did it once it gives a headache for the next day so use in limited quantity.

Keep a gratefulness journal , keeping this helps in appreciating what we already have and if you are content , universe will always bless you with more.

Get some sunlight , in the morning not in the afternoon , stay away from UV rays , sunlight provides vitamin D , reduces cholesterol , improves sleep cycle etc.

Tree energy transfer , first of all if you are feeling sad , acknowledge it and do things to let go of it , tree transfer is a process of connecting with a tree , you can sit down or touch or just stand near a tree it helps in absorbing negative energies and transforming it into positive energies.

💚 Pile3 :

Don't do something you're uncomfortable with and do a temporary test before applying it to your daily care .

Cut off toxic people , cutting off people who no longer serve your purpose is the best form of self care , be who you wanna be , do what you wanna do!

Walking improves cardiovascular fitness , increases energy levels , helps in improving mind freshness , gives a healthy start to a day.

Read a lot of books of any genre , mostly what comforts you . Dance and sing like no one's watching you , singing and dancing forever improved our energy levels .

Keep a check on what you eat in a day , stay away from overeating follow the 80/20 rule " you eat a "clean" diet 80% of the time and allow yourself to enjoy a few indulgences 20% of the time"

Maintain your regular exercises or start practicing yoga at your home Exercising will improve your energy levels and help you sleep better in the night , it will help in maintaining your fitness as well ; yoga will help in increasing your flexibility , aid in arthritis , improve your mental health etc.

Hope you like it , research more about a point you like through the internet and remember you matter the most in your world .

Thank you for reading 💚

Have a great day/night 💚

[radiocmyk]

Long, winding post about the exchange of life lessons between Tetri and me

What Tetri has taught me:

Slow down. When I'm walking outside, I tend to end up walking very fast no matter how slow I started out. But I have a nerve disease and chronic pain and when I walk too fast my limbs start to hurt. I also have a lung disorder and start struggling to breathe deep enough. So when he notices me walking too fast, wincing and gasping, and sometimes I don't even notice it, he tells me to slow down. ("You'll get to where you're going anyways, and your body won't hate you for it. It's not just about literally walking. It's about everything. 'Slowing down' is also sleeping when you need to, and taking breaks from work, and when you're in nature or engaging with art, actually taking it in instead of going as fast as possible to get all of it. Savor your food. And all that.")

Digital self-harm is real self-harm. This used to be my biggest bad habit. Tetri was the one who trained me out of it and was the "voice in my head" who told, no, don't open that comment thread, don't look in that tag, don't watch that video, don't read that article, don't engage with this person and get in a fight that won't be satisfying and will just leave you feeling frustrated and disgusted with yourself. Just move on and actually get something positive out of being online like being part of a community you actually enjoy and talking to friends you appreciate the company of. "Scroll a tag you actually find interesting." Lmao.

Check the time. Another one of my bad habits that I didn't even realize was a habit, let alone a bad one, until Tetri told me so. When I'm in a situation I don't want to be, specifically a long one, like work, school, a lecture, a meeting, whatever, anything that has a determined end time, I am "time pessimistic." I check the clock once, and then for next long while, I think of the time as whatever time it was when I looked, and refuse to look at the clock again. As in, I'll look at the clock, see 5 pm, and even hours later I'll think "Well last I looked it said 5 pm, so I still have seven hours to go." I did this because I didn't want to be "disappointed" when I actually looked at the clock and it was earlier than my prediction. Tetri told me this: "Don't make a prediction at all. Don't make estimates about what time it is. You don't know the time until you look. If you look at the clock and it says 6 pm, you now know that you have six hours to go, and you are prepared for six hours, not eight or seven or five." If you can't do optimism, you be a realist.

What I have taught Tetri:

Oxygen mask. He puts others before himself, very instinctually. It's second nature to him, but he will ignore his own needs way too much for the sake of me and often the other headmates. He has a bad habit -- and often he doesn't even realize he's doing it -- where he seems to "absorb" my negative emotions like a sponge, which means I feel calmer but he feels worse. I've started pointing this out to him and getting him to stop. I've also started comforting him when he feels bad. I think the first few times I was his shoulder to cry on instead of the other way around opened his mind to the concept that you must put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others. And that he needs to breathe air just as much as any of us.

Catharsis is just as effective as comfort. He's very different about this now than he used to be. For the first while, he only liked happy TV shows, he only wanted to read positive fluffy books, and he refused to listen to "depressing" music. Comfort is the OS his mind runs on. He is very, very good at it when he's doing it for other people, but it was a limitation of his that he avoided the negative emotions in himself. Sharing my favorite things with him -- horror movies and games, gothic literature, Trevor Henderson, Porcupine Tree, Franz Kafka, Ray Bradbury -- has lead him to same conclusion I'm at: sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable for the long-term mental benefit, you need to face the ugliness of reality just as much as its beauty.

You are an individual. Dæmonism at its core is a relationship between two people, and just like any other relationship between two people, it must be give and take, it cannot be only give. He doesn't like to call it low self-esteem, and I suppose he's accurate about that, but he had issue seeing himself as a fully fledged person with his own wants and needs and beliefs. Which is what he is -- I understand it would be normal for many people's dæmons to be correct about that, but we work differently, and he sees that now. He's a part of me, but he's not just a part. He's a member of a team. (How he puts it when I asked him to weigh in: "I extend from [Swift], I'm a traditional dæmon and I'm a manifestation of [his] 'soul' or whatever we're going to end up calling it, but I'm also a traditional dæmon in how I function independently and make my own decisions. Yeah. Being very traditional, we differ from most dæmian pairs in both of those ways.")

[lysteriaposts]

COBRA KAI S5 REVIEW (unhinged vers.)

SPOILER WARNING AS IF IT ISN'T CLEAR.

I actually wrote a list of my thoughts post episode 8, and oh it was not positive. Luckily enough a few of the things I was annoyed about were addressed the last two episodes where a lot happened. I've now slept on it and am ready to give a less rantsy review lol.... if you like to hype everything CK and only wanna hear positive things then I suggest you don't read further.

+ indicates positives (duh) and - negatives.

Let's rip the band aid off first.

- Mike Barnes being a wasted character and only there to subvert expectations (SAD!!!) - As a consequence, too many new characters brought in making the plot messier, crowded, contrived - Chozen being forced to like the girl he almost killed bc everyone needs to have a significant other / love interest of the opposite sex on this show - Kreese prison break is the dumbest shit I've ever seen - Kreese dying tragically in prison as he's trying to better himself would've been such a good writing choice, but they wanted to subvert that too - Kreese's plan he had with Tory never being explained - Johnny/Carmen baby drama making me want to barf all over my computer - Carmen being a baby carrier instead of an actual person - New gen kids serving no purpose in the overall story (except Kenny a little) - Rehashed plot of Sam/Miguel breakup taking up too much screentime and serving no purpose for the characters - Cheesy octopus < 🙄 - Half assed attempt at giving Sam introspection which gets dropped an episode after it was introduced - Sam being self absorbed (what's new) and deflecting blame - Demetri & Hawk could've been absent and there would not be any difference - Forced attempts at giving Hawk any relevance - Hawk being hypocritical and full of himself - Miguel's Mexico journey not changing anything for the character or his relationship with Johnny (or anyone for that matter) - Too little focus on Robby/Tory as a unit and their conflict - Too little focus on Robby/Kenny as a unit and their conflict - Robby redeeming and propping Johnny is not the same as developing and repairing their relationship, writers - Johnny kidnapping Robby to Mexico for absolutely no reason when he was gone tops 2 days - Carmen kind of forcing (and wanting!?!?) Johnny to have a baby with her - Johnny using new baby as an excuse for Miguel/Robby to have to get along - Robby breaking up with Tory after one disagreement - Robby going to see them at the Cobra Kai dojo way too late - Tory not confiding in Robby at all - Robby's character suffering from having to unnecessarily bond with every other character except the ones he truly cared about - Robby being forcefully sidelined in the story because he has to be attached at the hip with his new "family" - Tory ending up the show's punching bag, blamed and excluded for the 50th time - Devon Lee being... there, kind of annoying and one dimensional - Too much Kreese with no pay off - Too many flashbacks - No explanation to why Sam/Robby are cordial (I shouldn't be surprised they didn't explain Sam/Hawk either) - Stingray crying crocodile tears... actually just Stingray. - Sam being the one to wave her finger at Stingray wanting to keep his benefits (couldn't ANYONE ELSE have said that) - Silver not being the mastermind everybody expected him to be and mainly waving around his money - Amanda siding with Silver over her husband... dumb but ok - Jessica Andrews, just way too convenient - Kyler still being "one of the best" in Cobra Kai is laughable - Them trying to kill off Chozen, the only POC sensei - Them not having any balls to kill off any characters, but like to dangle it in front of us - Practically no Mike Barnes/Silver interactions

+ Very good fighting choreography + Cool shots and scenes i.e. Sam's dream, Miguel/Robby balcony fight 2.0 + Miguel/Robby relationship + Robby/Tory relationship (what we got) + Robby/Kenny relationship (what we got) + Kreese's therapy sessions (before it got subverted) + Miguel's scenes with his real dad + Johnny Lawrence comedy + Chozen... just, Chozen... seriously he might've carried the whole season for me + Chozen/Daniel relationship + Chozen/Johnny comparing notes lol + Daniel's arc and seeing him at his lowest + Anthony/Sam sibling bond + Little we got of Anthony/Chozen + Inverting Daniel and Johnny's "roles" + Daniel/Silver fights + Tory working as "undercover" instead of continuing to be "brainwashed" + Sam helping Tory although them coming together felt rushed + "I broke up with him for the dojo, you BITCH!" + Peyton List's acting + The new gen kids' acting + The Quicksilver method ! + Kenny/Silver scenes + Tory/Kreese scenes + More about Silver's background and ambitions + I don't blame Amanda for being done with Daniel's skeletons in his closet even though I called her dumb + Miguel speaking Spanish hehe + Chozen infiltrating CK was cool but should've been a full season thing- + Mike Barnes being the only og character not holding onto an old karate tournament, lol

[eldritch-spouse]

🌼Hi Pinnie,How are you? Are you eating well? Hydrating? I hope so!

Can I order something?

So, I have panic attacks/anxiety, my body gets very tense resulting in terrible pain in my spine and esophagus, I can't think properly and basically I breathe less than I should, anyway, it sucks.

Usually these attacks happen when I end up getting worried, stressed or anxious about something or about something and although more recently the pain is not so absurd and I am managing to control it, it still ends up happening sometimes.And nowadays they are happening frequently because of family problems.

Can I have something about Breg calming his s/o in a panic attack? I wanted something cute and maybe smut too, I wanted to distract myself a little cuz I spent all day in a crisis, it was a tiring day and your writing makes me very happy .

It's ok if you don't want to write ok? Don't force yourself. Anyway, I love your writing and I'm always waiting for you to post or reading your posts during the night (as I'm doing now)

Kisses from Brazil, bye bye 💕💕💕🌼

[Hey, hang in there, okay? 🤍 I can write comfort for this scenario, however, I'm not sure if I can fit smut into it very well. And thank you.]

Panic attacks are something Breg's familiar with, unfortunately.

And while his usually result in unintentional self harm or damage of property, at most the death of someone who might have provoked him- They're episodes he has been having less ever since he's been allowed to live with you, be close to his mate.

It absolutely shatters his heart to see you go through something similar. While the breeder is very socially clueless, he will be able to interpret the starting signs of a panic attack strikingly fast. Which, unfortunately, makes him panic.

See, Breg is not the best at dealing with panicking people, because he himself absorbs others' moods like a sponge, he's very nervous and alert, and he will enter a minor panic as well, which just creates a negative feedback loop.

Breg is not going to touch you. He knows better than to try to touch someone who is panicking or speak too loudly, but he will block most of your vision. Look at him, just look at him. The breeder will attempt to loom over you in a protective manner but definitely backs off if that only serves to exacerbate your state. It's a bit of trial and error until he understands what works best to calm you down. You'll immediately be moved to a quieter, slightly darker location and he will surround you with every comfort item he knows you own.

Breg might then try to distract you with water and food, menial things to get you out of your own head. Why don't you lie down? With him. Can he join you? You'll be fine, he's right here and he's not going anywhere. The moment you're okay with physical touch, the monster is all over you, planting kisses everywhere and uttering quiet reassurances, returning any gesture you may or may not have done for him when the breeder had his own fits of panic.

Breg won't ask you to talk about it. You don't have to. He keeps a lot of pain from you too, and you respect that, so he's going to extend that courtesy to you. If his mate just wants to be held until they're functional again, he's more than happy to provide that, ready to hold onto you and put your head to his chest so you can ground yourself in the steady beating of his heart.

Sex... Well, sex can be used as comfort, he would know, the breeder can actually calm down a lot faster with the sensual and caring touch of someone he loves. And while Breg is conscious enough to not outright start touching you sexually in a state of panic or recovery, he will quietly suggest if you'd like him to make you feel good for a bit, as a distraction.

He can be extremely gentle during these instances and won't bring up penetrative sex of any kind. The breeder will focus on mouthing at you and gently bringing you to orgasm while praising and encouraging you to enjoy yourself. To tell him what'll make you forget about the entire world around you except for him, your loving mate.