#i don't want another breakdown
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today is going to be another long day. we're putting together some furniture so it's gonna take us quite a while (i hope not djdishs i hope we'll finish it quickly). i'm so tired because the last weeks have been like this non stop, we've been coming home at 21-22, shopping or picking up some stuff for new apartment. my new meds are still making me feel weird, it's constantly 30+ degrees. i keep coming to the new apartment by myself because of all the packages and stuff, and i need to take a bus and then an uber to get here and i'm so tired (but to make it more positive - i wouldn't be able to do it by myself a couple years ago so that's a big win, leaving home by myself for so long). we ordered some gyoza tho so that's gonna be yummy at least 🥲
#lilith.txt#there's also more stuff happening#that i will vent about soon because i'm gonna explode otherwise#and it adds to my stress#and makes me upset pretty badly#i hope all this crazy time ends soon because i fear it won't end well#i feel i'm at my limit with my mental health#i don't want another breakdown#mental health#mental health vent tw i guess#this post is a mess but writing these vents helps a bit
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what if I change my major again,,,,,
#a bit of a vent im sorry#who likes computer science anyway?#uhhh im having another crisis I think LOL#have I ever explained my full School Situation here before ??#idk#TLDR im was majoring in psychology. had an oh shit I don't wonna do 90% of psych things moment#already had 90% credits needed to graduate by end of year two. might as well tack on another major then#and instead of like... sociology. business. human development family services. I fucking chose computer science.#and im on my computer 99% of the time anyway..#whyyyy#fuck me I hate cs#head in hands#but idk what I want to do thats the issue#and I don't wonna get shoehorned into something I hate#but I feel like im not particularly Good At Anything anymore#like I spread myself too thin instead of committing to Just One Thing#ugh#:(#IDK it just made sense like. it was something I could do to get money#I just think I need to have a proper breakdown over this and get it out of my system
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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i’m always interested in your analyses of the blue-green thing! colour is such a cool way of expressing themes or parallels and when you look at it laid out with all the couples, it’s so clear and non coincidental lol
“up until 6b they were really careful with this particular implication of romantic undertones with buddie and that's out the window now” is this in reference to how they carefully set up buddie’s themes and storylines over 5 seasons and then fucked it up in just a few 6b episodes? 😅
because honestly that’s part of the reason why i don’t have much hope for canon in season 7, i feel like they’ve suddenly backtracked on their relationship for some reason and are gonna go all no homo and/or just ruin them completely
post about the blue and green thing
Okay, I'm gonna go conspiracy theorist here, and I may be giving the showrunners too much credit, but here's the thing, we know the threat of cancellation made them change things around during 6b, there's a very clear tone shift, they changed episode names, called actor back for reshoots, so they changed the way the season was supposed to go so it would work as a nice packaged little happy ending if they got cancelled. Personally, I believe that there is some higher plan with Buck and Eddie going on here, I think they are a slowburn that is still burning, and personally, that needs to burn a little bit more until they can have a relationship that would work (getting Buck back in therapy and letting them talk would be ideal) and if you wanna jump ship go for it, I don't blame you, this shit is frustrating. But the thing is, they are very careful about how characters are constructed, and Buck and Eddie exist as mirrors of each other, and they also mirror canon romantic couple, bathena being the most blatant one. And they make a point to make sure that if you look at it closely, you can pick up on some romantic undertone, most major buddie scenes have that feeling that leaves you wondering. And it's not like the show doesn't know how to write friendships, because they do, so... choices. But going back to season 6, it might just be me, but I don't want them to get together for the sake of them getting together, there's a lot of build-up surrounding them for me to be satisfied with "and they kissed roll credits" (i love you *falls to gay superhell*, oh he had complicated feelings over the jeep) so I don't think they fucked it up, I think they didn't have the time to playout what they wanted to do with buddie in the space they had in season 6 and voted against rushing it since there was a chance the show was going to get picked up by someone else. Because it is still very easy to write off both Natalia and Marisol and keep whatever plan they might have and if they didn't get picked up just shoving them together would be unsatisfying. (In the end, it was unsatisfying anyway because the way they wrote the season makes a real effort into painting Buck, Eddie, and Chris as a family unity, so most things that don't end with them acknowledging this are unsatisfying, but it's an easy fix because the show didn't end, so)
Because, in the end, they are purposely writing Buck and Eddie as mirrors of each other, and it goes down to the first death on the job for both of them being someone falling to their death. You have the first love that ran away from them and came back without giving them real closure, you have the rocky relationship with their parents, you have the relationship they were pushed into by other people (Eddie and Ana and Buck and Ali if that's not clear), you have the way that Shannon is introduced and the next episode Buck gets a girlfriend, Shannon dies? Next episode, byebye Ali, Eddie starts dating Ana? Next episode, let's bring Taylor back into the mix, Buck is dating Natalia? What a wonderful time to have Eddie decide he's ready to put himself out there. You have the late confirmation they are the same age. You have the way they both escaped home, the way they found themselves in firefighting. You have the pretty blunt parallels between the shooting and the lightning and the well and the lightning, you have Eddie's will and the way Eddie decided to hide it (because they could have Eddie talk to Buck before changing and I've seen this playout between friends in other shows, but the choice to hide it gives a different feeling), you have multiple confirmations that Buck sees Christopher as his own, you have Eddie being hurt being Buck's berzerker button. One or two things are an accident, this many? They're on purpose, and I chose to believe there is some bigger, longer plan in action here. Sometimes I feel like there's a large percentage of the fandom who doesn't understand the stakes behind a network slowburn. Even shows like castle or the mentalist, where you KNOW they are gonna end up together, took like? 6 seasons? of build-up for something to happen? And like, I want them together, but with everything we have around them, I want them together in the right way, and yes, I think the show is delaying them because the stakes keep getting higher so it's harder to make it work, but I do have faith they can make something good work, just look at everything about them from 6x10 to 6x13.
Also, that particular statement was just about the blue and green thing because I actually looked at every scene where they are together, and they are never in those colors except for those two scenes, and the choice of shades of blue and green is very on purpose to be on accident, you know what I mean? And Buck and Taylor have multiple blue and green scenes, to pick the shades from the shooting is insane really.
Everything is on purpose, but a tv show is not like a book or a movie where everything is gonna be contained, you need to let the story evolve and adapt to the circumstances in which is being aired, and personally, I think 6x16-6x18 are just a detour, some construction on sunset lol, I think they had a choice to keep the season the way it was supposed to go and risk leaving the show feeling unfinished or shift things around and just leave Buck and Eddie feeling unfinished and they went with the second option, because it had less consequences.
Season 7 could absolutely go just kidding, no homo, but the thing is, you have two characters whose storylines are deeply tangled together, you can just sit them down, have them talk, say "you're my brother, dude" and goodbye, they're platonic best buddies. But I also don't think they would draw such a hard line because us crazy buddie shippers keep watching the show in the hopes of seeing them in the same frame together, and I feel like a significant part of people could give up the show altogether if they make such a blunt statement. And the showrunners know that, keeping us in the will they won't they thing helps their numbers and we are a significant enough portion of the viewers to make a difference. The hope of buddie brings audience to the show so I wouldn't expect a no homo thing. Or any hard line between them really.
But what do I know? I'm just a girl with a blog and a hyperfixation lol
#i have theories about season 7#and the way bucktalia mirror eddiana and how bucks breakdown is coming#leading to a situation that would mirror the effect of the shooting#that would lead to a conversation#would that be another aborted love confession? would that be a plain old love confession? i don't know#i need more information than just i have a feeling to make that statement#shit this is long skaoskoaksoaks#911 meta#???#i really need a tag for asks#anon 😌#i could go on about this forever really sokasokaoskaosk#anyone want to hear my season 7 buddie spec that has no basis besides the voices in my head? sdoaksoaksokasokasoak#reading this back for typos i feel like i may sound a bit condescending and I'm sorry if it does that's not the intention#i just sometimes like to think about the show as a business#and it makes some choices make more sense that way but also makes everything more frustrating#because the goal ends up being numbers and we pay the price#quite literally sokasokaoskaosk
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sometimes i wish i could disappear :(
#no like idk how to say it but my school friends are kinda leaving me out?#and one day at school i had a mental breakdown cause of that and another friend saw me crying and asked me wjat happened#i told her and she advised me to talk to my friends#but idk i just don't want to be selfish???#ahhh#mindless ramblings
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#i don't really want to make a whole post about it because it was a very personal and very miserable time for me#but genuinely#the thing that got me wanting to move on again and LIVE after my life plans all fell apart last year#was sitting down and very seriously thinking about the kind of woman i want to be when i'm 70#i hit that thing that a lot of people in their mid-twenties are hitting right now#where it feels like we've already wasted everything and not only are we failures now but we will always BE failures until we die#but right now i'm still in my twenties#and when i thought about what a good lifespan looked like to me#70-ish seems about right#and what do i want to have when i'm 70#what skills will be useful and beyond that#what skills will be fun#i had gotten into a mindset of ���too late too late”#learning to draw#or sing#or dance#or fix a car#or ride a motorcycle#they all felt like learning NOW would be pointless because *melodramatically* aLL my YoUtH HaS bEEn WaStEddd#but unless God has another plan i'm not going to die in my twenties#i'll likely live many more decades#my life probably isn't even half-way over yet#what do i want to be when i'm 70?#it doesn't matter that i don't know everything yet#i have more than four decades to work on it#that's more than the entirety of the life i've already lived#and yeah#i spent five years at a dead end job that finally drove me almost to a breakdown#but even that wasn't a waste#i saved enough to go to school and i learned a lot while i worked there
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I know this one guy who enjoys doing this singular menial labor task when they can set their own hours, only work to their personal standard, focus only on the aspects of the work they personally find fulfilling, only do the work either by themselves or exclusively with their close personal friends, only share the benefits of that work with either themselves or the people they personally care about, and quit whenever they stop enjoying it. This means that if we get rid of capitalism everyone would just sorta be cool about it and work the lithium mines.
#just summarized this hour and a half anti-work video essay i almost got sucked into for you you're welcome#also feel the need to clarify this isn't about the election this is just me being parasocial and sub-tweeting a 5k andy youtuber#their big end point was well i do work to care for people i love what if we got rid of work and just did things for people we love#and extended the definition of 'people we love' to the entire-wire-world#and its like lady i hate to break it to you#but anyone who would say that has never had to participate in or witness the soul-crushing work of having to care for a loved one#if you think the guilt of being kinda shit at your make-work corporate daycare job is bad#wait until you have to choose between a mental breakdown and your dementia-riddled mother eating tonight#and also#at a certain point a civilization needs a means of compelling people to do work they don't want to do#historically that means was widespread and brutal violence#the miracle of capitalism is that now we use money instead#put another way#you can find guys out there who genuinely like working waste management#there's not enough of them to deal with everybody's shit#idk i understand the complaints of the anti work crowd its just that their solutions are so fucking stupid
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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Time for some personal stuff again (please bear with me)..... today was a long awaited coming out to my mum day hoorayyyyy
#first i had another mental breakdown but let's move past that for now#but yeah the convo went a direction where i decided i had to start this topic#because keeping it a complete secret for the past 3 years was killing me at this point#like i don't really know how to feel rn. maybe i'm just still feeling kind of down in general everything feels weird tbh#but i think it went well overall i didn't even say specifically that i'm aroace just that i'm not interested in relationships at all#ughggh i don't really know man what matters is that i got it out finally and that she accepts it#today has been such a chaotic day 😞 i mean ok lets be honest the last week or two have been a bit much in general#ok idk really what i'm saying this for but i finally did something i've wanted to do for a long time so it's a success#but now i just want some rest from everything it's all been a bit much as of late
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Saik would feel that something hit deeply harder inside him if he ever listen "here comes a thought",because no one in his whole life tell him something like that,nobody tell or teach him how to deal with his own thoughts and he clearly doesn't know how to treat with the consequences of his actions in a healthy emotional way
(I wanted to explain more in some points like the accident with touma and other things but i don't have time now)
#I want to talk more about this#but that's for another post#I was just listening that song so casually and then was Just:#“fuck it's him”#The fact that he can treat with other people thoughs doesn't mean that he can treat with his own#This would work soo well for a breakdown escene#I'm just giving ideas#*whispers*#I don't mind If Someone wants to make a fanfic#This would work well for a One-shot tbh#Also ir will bring him into a really big flashback of his childhood probably#saikik#the desastrous life of saiki k
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I may have girlbossed too close to the sun and made myself look presentable on paper to the point that a disability lawyer won't take my case. Which is funny because, like my girlbossing despite being nonbinary, it seems i've distilled the complexity and nuance of my particular disability into something palatable. And palatable does not get disability.
#i can only fo theatre and not as much as i used to#i can only do so much college#i can't hold a job for more than a couple months#i piss off every manager i've ever met let alone had#my sister even said she would never employ me#my resume is so insane that i'm practically unemployable#which is another reason for getting the degree#i can say “oh look it was my twenties and then i went back to school and i'm different and educated now”#put some distance from the getting fired or quitting due to breakdowns#but noo i'm in school so i must be functioning#vent post#i don't even want to be on disability#i want my right to have money and marriage and kids to stay intact#but i can't crash at my parents' anymore#no more diary entries just venting in the tags
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killing myself postponed (my finals results will come out on the eighteenth and my teachers can't tell me anything before that)
#i don't know what the tone tag for this post is tbh#i AM having mental breakdowns about wHaT iF i fail and get held back#sure it's not likely and i am sure i have done decently but what if life hates me so much it somehow happens!! 🤠#but i hope life really doesn't hate me that much and give me another chance to do better than my eleventh grade performance in twelfth#because i don't want to say goodbye to my friends and loved ones yet :(#i also hate just how much you have to wait to get results like omggg please tell me before i kms! just a little hint please <3#i don't need the exact grades anymore just lmk if i can have plans for the next year or no
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I applied for a new job today 😩
#don't even know if I want to/feel ready to leave my current job#kinda not honestly#idk I had a lil breakdown a few weeks back and was like what if I did nothing for 6 months?#yeah I was fed up with the rigidness of my job and so jealous of the flexibility of my boyfriend's job#I feel bad leaving my job for me because it's such a perfect fit for my Italian studies#like I managed to find a job where my ''''useless'''' language studies actually are 100% crucial#and idk it just feels ungrateful to myself to leave?#nah idk I don't think I'm done with this job just yet#good thing I think I botched the personal statement of this application jesus#oh well we'll see#like I kinda don't want to get called for an interview so I don't have to mention it to my boss or think about it at all#ughh it's like I know I can get better than what I have but I also do kinda like this job#but also it's probably going to change a lot within this next year for different reasons so that's also something to consider#at least a colleague of mine told me people usually only stay in my post for 1.5-2 years so I feel a bit less bad about wanting to leave#but like where else in Sweden am I going to find a job where I can use Italian as my main working language?#I only see a phd as another option#idk maybe I should start ponder about that instead?#idk man#snicksnack
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You ever just feel your sanity starting to split at the seams?
And then look at the heap of stuff you still have to get through before you're allowed to rest and just... wonder how many breakdowns you're gonna have before you get a break?
#i am this close to just. snapping. screaming at people who don't deserve it.#it'd be one thing if it was the burst into tears kind of breakdown but no. it had to be the mean kind.#i haven't shouted at anyone yet but i do want to. every time anyone asks me to do another thing i want to.#i don't know how long i can bite my tongue fake a smile and nod anymore#vent post
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the thing abt gendo ikari is that, aside from all of the other things that he's done in his attempt to be the #1 worst father in television history, if he really wanted a daughter so badly he didn't have to do any of that weird cloning shit he could've just waited a decade or so for shinji to transition
#every time shinji has another breakdown and is like 'what do i want who do i want to be'#and then ends up deciding 'well i don't feel very attached to anything abt my life so i might as well do what my father wants#so that at least i can maybe have any positive attention from the people around me' i grow more convinced that estrogen could save her#dreaming.txt#e watches eva
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new chapter of 'in search of glorious happenings of happenstance' :)
When Azula & Katara break up, the rest of the friend group is exhausted by their constant dramatics & frustrating antics. Zuko introduces his ferret to Jet's dog with disastrous consequences. Suki concocts a scheme involving a children's pizzeria & arcade, a robot, drugs, & Smellberbee & Longshot's catfishing skills.
#i really hope this chapter is still fun to people who don't like sunny fnaf or saw because the references are HEAVY#but like. man. i had SO much fun writing this one fr#i really wanted to do mac & dennis breakup justice that's one of my fave episodes of any show ever#i thought SO hard about how to make it work lmao#also can y'all believe me & theo are having another twins moment???? both our versions of druk causing mayhem?? so funny#we did not plan this i swear#anyway this chapter has everything. hallucinogens. manic breakdowns. evil robot sex. smoking weed in a ball pit#like. i'm sorry i'm really happy with this chapter. ok anyway ENJOY#shameless self promo
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