#i don't remember my last hug
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Lmao i just realised my brain could not factor in the warmth in physical touch so it imagined sex being cold and other people feeling like marble statue until now. And last night my entite skin was slithering and emitting happy hormones imagining itself being against someone elses and feeling warmer for it.
#no idea if this makes sense#touchstarved#i don't remember my last hug#could have been with my former bff 4 years ago ??
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i am so obsessed with how like. taken as read the ot3 are at this point. like on the one hand it feels like they've been building up to this for ages but on the other hand it kind of feels like i blinked and we skipped right past some Major Turning Point where everything got spelled out and we're just already in firmly Established Relationship-land. obviously tarvek is too well-protected for anyone to assassinate openly, look how angry his boyfriend and girlfriend are at the idea of anyone threatening him. at this point i'm half-convinced agatha's just going to refer to her boyfriends in passing to someone else and no one's even going to comment on it until van finds out twenty pages later and immediately starts making everyone pay up
#girl genius#i just. the matching frowns. tarvek's deliberately-foppish not-quite-innocent shit-eating grin and folded hands#i'm obsessed with this panel i'm obsessed with this page i'm obsessed with this entire week's comics#and everything that everyone has chosen to say about these three since. man i don't even remember. october?#when was the comment about albia worrying colette will join the polycule i forget#i mean and also everyone has said about these three ever. violetta telling gilvek to stop flirting lives in my head rent free#but the entire last month has just been. i am Reeling what has HAPPENED#i was ready to live off the group hug for the next YEAR and every comic then has felt like a brand new brick????#except for krosp and norville's grand adventure which. well that also felt like a set of bricks but very different ones#also i'm only half-convinced bc a) agatha *is* awfully good at big dramatic speeches#and it's still hard to imagine the Big Relationship(s) Upgrade(s) happening without one#b) it also feels extremely plausible that instead of agatha talking about her boyfriends to a third party#gil or tarvek will refer to *their* boyfriend to agatha (who will not comment on that until van finds out twenty pages later etc)#anthyding can hadplen etc and it feels so much like suddenly it already has. what timeline are we IN#sarah don't look#nyquil don't look
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CRAB IS YOUR MOON OKAY WITH HUGS?
PLEASE THIS GUYS NEED SOME AFFECTION
LET ME JUST-
GHHHHHH-/pos
#fnaf moon#Moon New Do Same You AU#fnaf dca#dca fandom#mutual shenanigans#other people's art#crab art#traditional art#Moon likes hugs#but he's very particular about them#he prefers hugs around his shoulders or his waist#he does not like being hugged from behind#he does not like being hugged by surprise#he's a bit skittish#like a cat#you have to learn his habits#and sometimes just wait for him to come to you#you know i am up to No GoodTM when i draw extreme close ups of Moon and his back#i also don't know what possessed me to do this in watercolours#but... i'm okay with the final look#i'm just very rusty#and i remembered why the last time i painted in watercolour i went into an artblock#it really do be a “trust the process” kinda deal#also for people who saw the wip#haHA you thought this was about moon ass but it was actually MOON ANGST#MOON ANGST FRIDAY#i always post my moon angst on friday it seems
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my friendship with canon ended now fanon is my new best friend
but first a cute bird
basically my mind decided that it's now free to draw whatever AUs and stuff that I want including random stuff like this
and this!
I think my way of coping with 423 is just... ignoring it ever existed so now it's just this and an occasional canon stuff
but good for him he deserves to have all the fun fanon can offer
fun fact: this was the first sketch out of all of them in this post!
#fanart#sketch#my art#bnha#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#league of villains#it's basically all of them but not really since Tomura just got their outfits#toga himiko#bnha manga spoilers#bnha spoilers#it was a funny thing to go from crying from 423 to laughing from a streamer Tomura ideas#I never allowed myself to really enjoy them#but canon proved itself to be useless for the time being and I don't believe that Tomura will come back#some believe that Tenko will and we'll see but it's a break week next time#so for now I'm just coping the way I want#also I'm interested in drawing some ships that have been fun for the last 5 years#mostly Tomura related but at least 2 not related to him#I'm not exactly a person you'll go to to ship stuff but like... I have some ships I enjoy to read#(and even write if you remember the natshig week stuff!)#basically now bnha is in my “undertale” zone of drawing actually#like I can draw whatever I want if I'm inspired and canon now matters only sometimes otherwise it's fun#I already said what I think about the situation itself so I just want to enjoy drawing Tomura for a while#i want to hug him#also this one Spinner outfit was drawn because I hated how Stain-like the other one was it was disturbingly funny#so I spared him and gave the one that looks comfortable and warm instead but manga panels were now a thing for those sketches
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recently rewatched den-o for ryuutaros and ended up falling (and cry) for yuuto and deneb. this scene from ep 49 breaks my heart :")
#kamen rider den-o#kamen rider#den-o#deneb#sakurai yuuto#i wanna hug and give yuuto a lot of headpats#last time i watch den-o maybe when i was 8 yrs old#I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THERE'RE YUUTO AND DENEB ON KAMEN RIDER DEN-O T^T#my art#fanart#doodles
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I finally completed the Anju and Kafei quest 😭
#spoilers in tags no peeking if you don't want spoilers#rambles from the floor#majora's mask#peggy plays majora's mask#Peggy plays#anyways hhhwwwwwaaauugghghgh#took me forever to remember how to do the parts I'd already done I remembered only pieces#but i finally got to the last bit#I didn't know where Kafei was#I'd looked all over#but I found Anju#and she said she was going to wait for him#so I sat next to her and waited#because I didn't want her to be alone while the world was ending#and right as I was wondering if I should go look for Kafei again and running through what to try in the next cycle THE DOOR CLICKS#AND KAFEI WALKS IN#AND THEY HUG AND THEY DO THE THING AND THE MASK😭#and I hold off on crying because my siblings were watching but it was a very near thing#and I probably shouldn't be playing this game while I'm already sad/not doing great but#oh well#sniffle.#and anyway there's something weirdly comforting about mm#like it's dark and painful and terrifying#but it's cathartic#and I like that#idk
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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.
#so a little over a year ago i kissed a guy who i have known for nearly 20 years. on the lips#well he kissed me to be fair#after a whole night of dancing together and i will admit yes i flirted with him a LOT but. the thing is we have a weird kind of situation#because we aren't really friends but we share a best friend#and when our best friend was depressed we texted each other to try and think of ways to get her out of her funk#and when he need tips on what to get our mutual best friend he texts me too#and when we see each other at parties. well. the times we have ended up alone have always been charged lets just say that#and he REMEMBERED one of those moments and told me so last year and i was floored so i decided to go with it and flirt with him fhdshf#anyways. long story short he literally picked me up and pushed me against a wall and kissed me. and then. we shared a cab and hugged#good night and never talked about it again#i saw him a few months ago for the first time since That Night and we. did not talk about it! gfdhgd i am glad but also it's a bit weird id#and now he and our best friend are on holiday together and they are both messaging me and he just. texted me a kissy face.#and now i want to kill him (affectionately).#oh and he has a serious girlfriend so :) hgfhdhh i make such good life decisions don't i#i never told our best friend about the kiss btw. because she would kill both of us for sure#okay rant over anyways i dont think i will ever be normal about this guy. story of my life
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me as a kid: haha birthdays are so silly, i wouldn't want a party i would hate to have to cleanup afterwards!!
me as an adult: if i stepped into any room full of people who thought my existence was inherently worth celebrating i would immediately curl up and cry hysterically about it
#me: aha christmas n new years r coming up but i got this i am okay#*remembers my birthday is also coming up somewhat* oh ):#my friends irl do not care about me and i doubt one of them is going to even last until my birthday#i.. i don't even know enough ppl to try hosting a party and inviting myself. this yr has been hell. and I've done well at handling it#but like. 😐#it's still been a pretty bad year overall... idk. family oriented times of the yr are ROUGH!! especially the first yr u spend alone#this has been my first year alone in like seven or eight years and it sucks!!!!!#and I'm stuck this way bc im too rent burdened to actually go out as often as i need to and Meet People 😐#i could go on multiple long wants bc there's Layers but akakfkalal i just want a long hug ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡#rly don't want to work today and just want to curl up in bed n play my game
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Ahhh got harassed by a random guy at the concert after-party could y'all just fucking not
#tw harassment idk what to call this#first interaction: hi you dance good and are hot#second interaction: him asking me out and me saying no#third interaction: saying im hot#fourth interaction: him asking me on a date then asking if im married#me saying I have a wife and pointedly calling my partner my wife#him going great I have two new best friends and asking for a hug and us turning him down#fifth interaction: him letting me know that he's leaving and asking me out before remembering I already said no#sixth interaction: him asking me out again before remembering I said no and saying goodbye again#last interaction: him coming to say bye to me again#me really quickly saying bye and not really giving him much attention#and him getting all upset about my not giving him attention to a friend he was with#mind you this is all happening while I'm trying to focus on watching a really cool local band perform#like this guy got upset I wasn't giving him attention during literally the last song on the set when I was just trying to enjoy the moment#fucking hell can entitled people with no respect for boundaries get the fuck away from me#I want to be nice but then people treat me weird and I don't like it#but how can I stop that while still being nice?#and is it my being nice that's the issue or do I just want to feel like I have control so that I can feel safe?
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So.
#so remember that school that I didn't go to bc in the end it would just be way too expensive to take on and I kinda spiraled and lost#all sense of self and I've kinda been drifting for the last year trying to figure out what to do with my life#well apparently my parents have been talking with the school behind my back and for the last few months they have been working out#payment deals and financial aid and today they got a call back with an offer that they like feel happy with and idk what to do#I wanted to go so so badly this time last year that it was literally soul crushing that I couldn't go#but I've also spent the last year convincing myself that this was actually a good thing and I've been looking into new schools#and I don't fucking know someone tell me what to do bc I have no idea what I'm feeling I'm kinda shutting down and I have to make#a decision by the first#sstfu.txt#how am I supposed to make such a huge life altering choice in two weeks I'm gonna throw up#my best friend is states away and my other best friend is in the city I just want someone here to hug me and tell me what to do
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watching seven hours of lotr today was good for my soul <3
#i reckon I'll watch the last one tomorrow!!!!#lol i did just unearth a memory from many years ago tho#i had a crush on my friend n we would hangout after school sometimes n they put on the hobbit#so i think ive seen that one?? i was giving them head tho so i don't remember anything but gold n green backgrounds hehehe#LMAO WAIT we had a nonvalentines valentines day together too where i watched them play dark souls then they ate me out for an hour#i hope they're doing alright wherever they are now lmao#this was the same time i didn't realize my other friend had a crush on me despite us flirting through tumblr asks & they would bring me#fresh baked goods in the morning. i also hope theyre okay!! that was way before i realized i was gay even tho we literally held hands and#had hugs that lasted longer than ur typical hug. they were shorter than me too and blushed all the time#b & b i hope y'all are happy n healthy !!! thank u for the time we had together#lol way off topic there oops but anyway. i need to go to bed now hahaha#rAMbles
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does anybody want to be in love with me for the day
#i had sooooo many dreams last night (three) and TWO of them had buck in them and in one of them he was my brother#i danced with a woman who was my grandmother and i sobbed for hours and buck gave really good hugs#and i woke up between that one and the next dream and my face wasn't wet#and i don't really remember the other dream#but the THIRD dream i remember and it involved an abandoned gay club (abandoned because being gay was illegal and i almost got caught and#killed but i got helped by the older people who used to frequent it) and it involved me holding fire in my hands#from a badly rolled and dangerous cigarette that i didn't even get to smoke and it also involved one of my friends#i want to dream the first dream again. even if it was about grief. i got to hug her and she smelled like my grandmother#anyways does anyone want to be in love with me because i'm studying and it's evil#timothy's txts.
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:(
#the sky speaks#vent time!!#tw suicidal ideation#i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier#but shes trying so hard and in so much pain#but shes so TIRING to be around !!!!#she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore#shes getting a dui i guess?#and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled#ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over#full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely#she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said#i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour#and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her?#i hugged her for so long when we finally got home#but im just so tired of loving her#shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again.#i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas#and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here.#if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!!#im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17#im just so tired
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feeling like i have zero support system is slowly killing me from the inside out i think lmao
#text#many personal posts recently but i'm just!! suffering!!!!#i don't remember the last time i felt able to open up to someone who wasn't my therapist lmao#i don't even remember the last time i hugged someone who wasn't. like. my mother#sometimes life just feels. very long and painful#anyway i'm fine tumblr is just my vent space i'm afraid!!!
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writing what I want to again after years of only forcing myself to write for gift exchanges is so. freeing. I'm remembering why I like doing this again
#not that i disliked doing the gift exchanges per se. else i wouldn't have signed up#but writing just whatever I feel like rather than forcing myself to follow a specific prompt I don't have that much interest in. is so nice#anyways. directly related. susato and ryuu should HUG. i am making them have a TALK#echo.txt#also. just remembered that the last thing i wrote of like. my own free will was [redacted] KEKW#<- had to post it on anon for his own dignity#maybe i will put it on my account eventually. someday
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