#ive been. so paranoid lately
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I love dolls. I always have. There's something to be adored about little figurines, plushies, motionless objects that you give your own warmth to. I love dolls and how they can be changed so easily, how, yes they can be ugly. But who cares because in the ugliness you can. I dunno. There's still love in there. Someone will love it, and it can't be hurt.
I wish I was a doll. It would be nice to have joints, fabric, strings, whatever, and not need to make decisions, I could rip and tear and have no say. I could be as dirty as I am now and boom. Someone could throw me in a washing machine or take care and fix up all those bad parts. Or they could just be there, be emphasized, I don't know. Nobody can truly hate dolls, There's always a box I could stay in, and nobody would care. I could be forgotten to time and not have to worry. Why would dolls need to worry about anything.
That makes me think of doll customizers. The ones that rip off faces to replace them with the little clay ones or other faces, I feel like it's a lot less aggressive than it seems. It's a bit comforting, taking your old identity and throwing it out for the new, nicer one. Like. How do I say it? It feels kind. Cutting out your old parts, creating you a new face, a new you. And there'd be no reason to fuss because, again, you're just a doll. Why would you be sad about that? Or mad? It's your intended purpose, to be played with, altered, for them to maybe see a character, friend, even see them in you. There's no reason for misery when you're a doll. Siigh :-)
plushies are nice too. I like hugging them.
This Ramble probably makes Zero Sense but. It does to mmeee:-)
#i cannot remember the last time i was hugged! phooey.#i wish i could be seen as cute or something#i want to word stuff better but its nearly four am and im oddly sad#and my head hurts again#and i wish i could be held because its so cold#someoone said i looked like a doll once and i was. so happy.#iw ish i was jsut a doll and not this#i hate being in this body and i. hate having flesh its awful#if i were cold could you atleast not. gah. i dont know#i really don't know#I'm just sad#and ive been trying not to post on here#i made another vent account but fukced up like twicw and reblogged stuff from there and reblogged stuff from mutuals on here#my eyes hurt#im crying#ive been. so paranoid lately#about everyone i know secretly being _#and it Fucking Sucks#hgjjjj#i want to say more but i won't because. gah.#:-(
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last night i played regretevator with my bestie for like 3 hours trying to get scag and once we finally got prototype i queued up the floppy disc shop so fast and not even 9 floors later he Walked off with her in some other random shop to my dismay.
#★ my art#btw ive never had scag in my elevator before that so i was So distraught#me and my best friend were yellinf GET BACK IN THE ELEVATOR WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH HER#then we were teleported back inside and i just slowly turned to her and cried#roblox regretevator#regretevator art#regretevator#regretevator scag#regretevator prototype#regretevator stat#(kinda) (yall know i camt resist doodling her at least once#sorry for the obnoxious and ugly watermarks ive been really paranoid lately#people seellling my art as stickers and reposting it on pinterest… Scary! Please leave me alone in my weird corner on tumblr.Thankkkssssss
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as you can probably tell i got too tired to draw after the yuri day drawing- seems i just have bursts of motivation that stop and then suddenly i can't draw much anymore lmao, so, have this
#witch's heart spoilers#noel levine#trying smth different with faces lately#i was considering posting more about my queer sirinoel headcanons... but idk lmao#i think ive been online too much because im so paranoid that literally normal headcanons will cause discourse somehow LMAO#mb one day#drawings
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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It's so funny how you posted your online resolutions and went back to blogging a few hours after. Tumblr does terrible things to us all.
in my defense i did say i wouldnt stop using tumblr just yet<3 kumbaga its the last step of my 12 step program.
so far ive deleted twitter and discord; turned off listening activity; and redownloaded pinterest. im still figuring out if i should do a last message on letterboxd before deleting it. the rest are kind of constantly renewing promises so we'll see where im at by the end of the month.
in terms of my last resolutions, ive restarted email penpals; given up on substack (will delete soon; shouldve added to my new resolutions oh well); organized my writing dumps; and reduced my ig time limit.
working on it<333
#ive been a tad paranoid lately so i read this ask as negging me at first but ive come back to it being humorous and lighthearted i think#im trying my best genuinely :))#zoe's mailbox#i should make a resolutions tag
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my friend pisses me off soooooo bad
#i text her first to ask abt how her essay is going wish her luck 2 times and she doesnt even like the message or say anything she just#changes the topic and then leaves me on read. okay#plus shes been getting so weirdly paranoid that im talking shit abt her to other ppl just bc ive finally made some other friends that arent#her after 1.5 years of suffering alone at my uni#(which i seriously to be honest do just bc shes been getting on my nerves with a lot of things lately)#but like man . throughout the 1.5 years that weve been talking to each other we havent progressed enough to call each other by#our first names to get the other to turn around etc i dont think we r close enough for me to abandon the wonderful religious practice of#sometimes discussing the things that your 1 friend does that piss you off with your other friends but then still hanging out with them#not because youre some sort of irredeemably evil two faced motherfucker but because thats just a normal part of having social relationships#mp#like i get that insecurity sucks and its a shitty feeling etc but ive literally dealt with this my whole cringe embarrassing childhood &#teenage years LOL like as long as your friends still make a conscious decision to spend time with u & u have fun together#then i think you dont need to worry. which is what i do so#the sun will rise again tomorrow
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Having angsty Jancy thoughts
#specifically dorothea came on when i was in the shower#and i started thinking about how mr trust issues was the first to leave#and Nancy was stuck in Hawkins even though she begged him to stay#and just like the resentment the writers could explore is they wanted#bc of course she loves him but like he's so paranoid about her leaving him when he left first????#like THAT'S 👏👏👏👏#Dorothea was followed by tis the damn season and then i thought about how next season is in Christmas#and how ive been having this idea lately of s5 opening with Jonathan coming back to hawkins after leaving Argyle in lenora and him#and then him and nancy finding their way back to each other#ala what happened to us in s2#anyways i am rambling and now Coney Island is playing so i will be continued to be plagued with thoughts#truly i am not beating the hyperfixation allegations#jancy#jonathan byers#nancy wheeler
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I am rotating Light so hard in my head rn girlies who just straight up fucking torture ppl cause she can
#rat rambles#rain posting#oc posting#I <3 iterator gore and body horror if I was a better artist Id draw the horrors shes inflicted on some of these poor bastards#Im also brainstorming ideas for some more iterator ocs both so I can have more iterator ocs who arent chronically offline and so that I can#make them be some of lights victims and put them through some truly horrific shit#light vc omg haiii I saw you noticed some of the organisms I pumped into your bloodstream finally Ive been waiting sooo long to show this#stuff off so feel free to give mild resistance to my demands so I have an excuse to permanently disfigure your puppet :3#I have one girlie vaguely conceptulaized and some vague ideas for the sort of roles I want the others to have in their lil friend group but#its all still very very vague concepts Ill have to brainstorm some more to get more solid ideas for them#in the meantime Ive also been thinking of some potential unparalleled innocence hc stuff#nothing super concrete but I am slowly building some new hcs that will relate to the tortured girlie I have some ideas for#but yeah I had a blast telling my friends abt synchronized light today and getting my intended reaction of aw thats cute that turns into#horror as I progress down the timeline#my intent with these two is for them to initially come across as rly fun and cute and just generally very easy to connect to only for the#immediate second layer to their characters to fucking evicerate all of those feelings#also parasite horror is both some of my favorite (cause its horrifying) and least favorite (cause I can get legitimately paranoid) shit#and just the image of being an iterator and realizing that there is malicious shit inside of you that you werent able to immediately detect#is so delightfully fun to me especially considering how vulnerable a lot of these iterators probably already felt just letting the#construction and repairs happen only to find out that that vulnerability Was abused horrifically and that its far too late to stop it#anyways I need to go talk to myself in the shower to brainstorm some more lol
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btw im not sure ill be around for the premiere. its at 4am for me so its a matter of forcing myself up
#i tried to last night so id have a better chance but ive been paranoid abt going blind lately yknow how that goes#it’s gonna SUCK if i miss it i really really really really don’t want to ive been like daydreaming about what it’s gonna be like for#literaly the past year#but also ill probably only be like another 5 hours late#i wish i could just.. wake myself up at 3am
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SENDING MY FIRST ASK FROM THE NEW BLOG!!!! i feel like i am sending a letter from a new address... crazy. ANYWAY HOW R U TONIGHT!!!! i hope ur havin a good day!!!! kicking my feet like a teenager at a sleepover rn tell me abt ur day who r the blorbos in ur mind rn what kinda art r u workin on lately how's it going friend!!!
HIIIIIII HI HI . HELLO SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG- i mean catboy cellbit!!! . dude i am. dreading the coming week tbh but it is fine !! we will get thru it we will survive!!! i am so sleepytired but alas i also cannot sleep so i may just have another night of reading and music ahead of me . wah. i hope u are hsving a good night <3 IVE BEEN COMPLETELY ART NERFED TOO BTW. my laptop died on me a couple days ago and while i was able to find a new one affordably it will not be here until the 13th 😔 so no digital art from me for a while. sigh. i DID just decorate my new sketchbook with stickers tho so im hoping that will get my brain in gear for traditional art again. AS FOR BLORBOS. oh . u know. the usuals. vash the stampede. zacharie from off . masky marblehornets (also tim marblehornets) . to name three of them.
#who are ur blorbos rn. i dont watch qsmp i think sering ur posts abt it are really funny bc im like. guy walks into the room on fire gif.#i have no idea whats going on in here congratulations and/or my condolences <3#thank u thank u i love the sleepover vibes. literally had gossip talk w one of my other friends earlier#(name withheld for reasons but if u see this u know who u are and i love u )#so the vibes are so correct#i have 2 work tomorrow :( not looking forward 2 that.#however it IS my last day of my long term overnight job which means i will be able to sleep in my own bed tomoerow night.#this is something i have not done for like. close to a month now. whcih is why ive been sleeping so awfully! so hopefully that fixes me#also have. job interview on wednesday for another aquarium place..#fingers crossed this goes better than my last one but also part of me is kind of hoping it doesnt go well#bc i hate transitional periods and i dont want 2 go thru the moving process again#and i dont want 2 meet a bunch of new ppl all at once again. and do the while job training thing.#alas that is the anxiety talkimg and i do actually want the job bc it would be good for me <3#sorry it is late and im soooo fucking sleepy so im rambling !!!! do not feel like u have to respond to . gestures vaguely at all that#its blorbo talk time. i desperately want 2 warch more mh right now#however the house im.staying in IS in the middle of the woods and very isolated and i have been so scared and paranoid#so i am OUTTA LUCK sigh. i will simply watch smth silly instead like gg tmph or david attenborough or perhaps spongebob will b on the tv.#asks#friends!!!#false-anachronism#<< oh fuck new url!!! i got like halfway thru typing ur old one before i was like WAIT SHIT.
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I was gonna write a giant vent post but aint gonna write all that and yall aint gonna read all that so this sums it up
#anyway it mostly just how fucked ive been treated by my family#and my frustrations of being practically a hospice nurse to my dad while i was in school and then not even getting 3 days to greive him#because my mom forced me to sign up for another semester and then i fucking failed out and lost a full ride scholarship yippee#and the fact that i was isolated for over a year and a half and emotionally abused and literally growing textbook paranoid#and nobody was giving me help#anyway. its a lot more than that but oh my god. ive just never get to express it out loud and im gonna heap my fucking lid one day#because im literally not allowed to express any negative emotions otherwise i get punished#it's been a lot better lately but im still just. so mad at how i was treated and the more i remember what ive blocked out#the more unfair it gets
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WELL. on top of me having some fuck ass kidney stone i also literally do not have a room until that socket gets looked at. which could take a while given the fact im also not going to the doctor
#T_T what good is a new computer if i CANT EVEN USE ITTT#ive been insanely paranoid about this socket lately because ive been using my tv & consoles more so every plug was occupied#already not good but this is the second time ive heard weird ass clicking come from that direction and i am not taking my chances at all
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🦋
#just met one of my neighbor's older kids for the first time (i think shes in her early teens?)#&she literally stopped out of nowhere while i was taking my trash out&was like 'you are so pretty'.#i am so incredibly happy :)♡ i love kids&every child in my apartment complex is always so sweet#but ive been more or less avoiding being around kids for a sec now due to. the world. lmao.#(i might have rewritten this post multiple times in fact bc im paranoid about sounding weird or being misconstrued)#so having such a nice passing interaction w one of the neighbor's kids was so nice&refreshing. 😭💗💗#ive been having what can only be described as vague babyfever lately which only makes me sad bc. everything. lmao.#so i guess im just extra impacted by a child being so sweet right now. :')♡
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augh. this week is going to Suck
#total lack of enthusiasm for our classes this week it seems. feeling extra weird abt my parents also#on top of that is the general everything#and also ive been thinking lately i dont look quite like a person#like everyone else i look at them and go oh hey! a person! we like those. and then i look in the mirror and its like. is this thing alive-#is anybody home. and im paranoid everyone else notices too i zoned out in acting + performance class today and mickey d was like oh-#looks like im losing sasha. guess id better be more entertaining#like fuck! of course im not going to make friends if im reanimated roadkill#sitting through class is always hard but its a lot harder when youre praying for a horror movie villain to come at you swinging w a chainsa#just so i can get enough of the fight part of the fight or flight out of my system to function#vent
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#had the worst day ever#last week things got a little better but today just destroyed all the progress i made#its so FRUSTRATING#how emotionally unstable i am 🫠#like idek if im just overly sensitive or ive really just been let down over and over again#and like bc of this i KNOW i shouldn’t expect ANYTHING at all not even human decency from others#but i still have hope unfortunately so i get crushed every time something goes wrong (all the time everyday)#today i woke up early to go run some errands and got home late at night#and the whole day i only had one piece of bread and iced tea#and like. i KNOW this is exactly why i feel awful and terrible and everything is shit#which is why its even more frustrating bc i can’t do anything about it when im this depressed rn…#and like . its really annoying that everything is just going so wrong that i give up on it all bc i just can’t deal with anything#i don’t even have my best friend anymore to complain to#i really really reallly can’t do this alone but ig this is how it’ll be for a long time#it’s been like this since early july… honestly i don’t even think things will get any better soon#seeing how even tho i made some progress last week i lost it all now and i will keep losing it over and over again#im going crazy really#and i wish my parents would stop making me feel guilty that im depressed#like genuinely what do you want me to do about it?????#you get annoyed at me when i don’t eat the food you make when u know im insane and paranoid and cannot eat this ive told u a million times#and the worst thing is that they KNOW what i like and eat but they don’t make it ever they keep making the food i can’t eat#like u can’t expect me to go inside the kitchen and make it myself bc i will literally pass out and die#im not kidding when i say this bc so many times i try and i really faint bc of the distress it makes me feel#i feel like this might sound extremely stupid to anyone who hasn’t experienced it but that’s just how it is here#anyway im gonna go to sleep now even tho im probably gonna die of frustration#i don’t think i’ll even wake tomorrow x_x my head feels like it might explode any second now#we have a family gathering tomorrow but im ditching them so ill probably just sleep until tuesday 😀 great#(i say this bc its 7am rn… by tomorrow i mean today but it’s tomorrow in my head bc im still up)
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At church rn and I got a nervous tummy wtffff I'm only here bc my parents wanted me to go but whatever I wanna go home where my tummy isn't nervous
#sighhhhhhh#its fine i guess whatever im going to be fine#it doesn't help that ive been really paranoid lately so thats great
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