#i feel like this might sound extremely stupid to anyone who hasn’t experienced it but that’s just how it is here

[sideblog-666-thousand]

A long bitch of an interview with Euronymous, from Orcustus zine in early ‘92.

What is Orcustus? Orcustus was an early 90’s black metal ‘zine run by none other than Bård “Faust*” Eithun— murderous pretty-boy, and o.g Euronymous simp. I think he might have also played drums in a band called Emperor... but I’m not sure! Its full name is actually “Orcustus— The Shadow of The Golden Fire”, and no, I’m not making this up.

This particular issue here opens up with a quote from a short story called ‘The Doom That Came To Thomas Parkes*’.

Assuming the reader hasn’t read the story, Faust explains that the quote is in reference to what happened to the titular ‘Thomas Parkes’ when he tried to raise spirits. Faust then admits that he’s unsure of his own ability to ‘raise spirits’, but says he hopes that he’ll raise some fists in agreement that there’s something wrong with the underground scene. Ironically (you’ll see why this is ironic very soon), he doesn’t like that certain bands, namely Entombed, are selling so many copies of their LPs.

After a brief diatribe on just that, he goes on to explain that he was in a rush to get this mag out because of problems with the printer. Then, he tells anyone who doesn’t like the fact that this ‘zine only features black metal that they can fuck off, with three exclamation points.

Finally, we get to the end of the opening page, where Faust pulls what can only be called an early form of the Twitter exposed thread. It reads as follows, with absolutely no changes to the text:

“I would suggest you to not do any business with that sucker Evil Ludo from France. He have riped me and several others off, by not return what we ordered. I suppose he’s a medical sensation, as I didn’t know it was physical or psychical possible to live without a brain”

Why am I telling you all of this, when this is only meant to be a transcript of an interview with Euronymous, you may be asking? Because I find it funny, that’s why.

Anyhow, the Euronymous here acts and feels very differently from the Euronymous of the last interview I posted. However, I hope you’ll still enjoy it, and I hope you’re able to appreciate the tiny glimpses of humanity talking to a close friend allowed him, even though they both behave like complete asses. Even though it’s hard to sympathize with him at points.

Like last time, any (sparse) commentary will be between (parenthesis) and in bold. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

.

F: Well, how in hell shall one be able to come up with an intro worthy enough for this band? The words I wanna describe Mayhem’s music with, is not yet created, and it won’t be created either, because no one has really experienced the real darkness and pure brutality with lays behind Mayhem’s hellish sound, but I suppose you all are familiar with this band anyway. Well, in the first place, I hadn’t really thought to enclose this band in this issue, because if we look away from rereleases of old demos (“Pure Fucking Armageddon”) and live tapes, it’s a pretty long time since their last release (in ‘87 that was). I thought I rather should interview them when they released their forthcoming album “Dee Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”, but due to the circumstances, I realised the time was right for an interview now. I won’t bother you with any history shit, but I could tell a bit about what has happened last year. You all know that their vocalist Dead comited suicude in April ‘91, that was a bigg loss for the underground, and I suppose I don’t need to say that this mag is dedicated to the memory of that infernal man. Anyway, Dead was replaced by Cultòcùlus (back then called Occultus), but due to different problems within the band, he left the band in January ‘92, but let’s not say more about that, as Euronymous didn’t want me to say anything about it at all (but Euronymous, you must admit that it has sounded pretty artificial if I hadn’t mentioned it at all). So now, the band consists of Hellhammer (drums) and Euronymous (guitar (and probably bass too)). I know the singer of Tormentor (rip) from Hungary (Esihar Attila) is interested in singing on the album, and also even moving to Norway, so it seems like Mayhem got some sort of predilection to foreign vocalists, but this Hungarian guy happend to be a good one as well, so never mind that. But I don’t think this is official, so don’t tell anyone you read it here, ok? Well then, it’s an honour for me to dedicate the next following pages to one of today’s most legendary and infamous bands......... THE TRUE MAYHEM!!!!!!!

F: First of all Euronymous, I know you and Dead live/lived totally for the old black metal attitude. Is your hate now total to young and trendy bands after Dead’s suicide?

Euro: YES, we have declared WAR. Dead died because the trend people have destroyed everything from the old black metal/death metal scene, today “death” metal is something normal, accepted and FUNNY (argh) and we HATE it. It used to be spikes, nites, chains, leather and black clothes, and this was the only thing Dead lived for as he hated this world and everything which lives on it. If we had the economic possibility to do it, we should meet up at concerts and beat up ALL trend people ALL the time untill they would be too scared to go to concerts at all, now we need to suck their money instead. It’s impossible to stop the trend no matter how much we want, we have to do the best out of it and sell lots of trend shit to them. (I don’t need to tell you that that’s totally not why Dead killed himself, right?)

F: In the spring of ‘91 you started up a shop in Oslo which sells all sorts of music within metal. Is there anything you can tell us about the shop (ideas? plans?)?

Euro: Well, the original idea was to make a specialist shop for metal in general, but that’s a long time ago. Normal metal isn’t very popular anymore, all the children are listening to “death” metal now, I’d rather be selling Judas Priest than Napalm Death, but at least now we can be specialized within “death” metal and make a shop where all the trend people know that they will find all the trend music, this will help us earning money so that we can order more EVIL records to the evil people. But no matter how shitty music we have to sell, we’ll make a BLACK METAL look on the shop, we’ve had a couple of “actions” in churches lately, and the shop is going to look like a black church in the future. We’ve also thought about having total darkness inside, so that would would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.

F: Well, how is the situation all in all in the Mayhem camp right now?

Euro: Difficult as usual, but we’re closer than ever to record the Mayhem lp. Almost all the material is completed, then I and Hellhammer will record the whole thing with 3 guitars, 2 basses and so on. It will be very massive. Who’s to sing on the lp is not yet decided, we’ll wait and see what happens. We have several people who can do the job very well.

F: As Metalion of Slayer mag* said: “it seems like you at certain times lives on the edge of starvation”. Have you ever been on the thought to just give up the whole band and become a normal 9 to 5 person, or is this a completely stupid question to ask?

Euro: It has been very hard at times, but I am not a normal person anyway so it would just not be possible to do that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why things are as they are (this answer will be long) (that’s okay for me/Ed). The reason why we don’t have any money, is because of hardcore. We have for too long been following the “underground” rules, which say that you must hate money, you must not think you are anything, you must be open-minded, you might have a lot of attitudes and so on. Extremely stupid. But the situation has been that if you don’t follow these rules which are made by hardcore pigs, you are not accepted as a death metal or black metal band! Then you MUST be signed by some big label to be able to make some money, and we’ve never wanted to do that. Then you would anyway be labelled as “commercial” by the HC pigs. This has caused that after 8 years, we are still as broke as ever, while the HC pigs themselves are controlling all labels, and they sign only the bands which fit into their own idiotic world, that means “death” metal bands with society lyrics and jogging suits, and this is what the people see when they grow up. They don’t see any EVIL bands with spikes, as we did. Well, I’m tired about being broke, just to be “underground”. I’m tired of not having money to eat for just because tons of people will call you a “rip-off” if you don’t write 20 letters each day. It’s time to say fuck off to the whole system, which is built to strangle the evil bands in the birth. We must start taking inspirations from the ancient ones, from Venom and their likes. They did their thing BIG, and they never had to think about any idiotic underground rules. They did it big and so must we, but it must never become a trend, it must become a CULT. This is why we have started on a brand new policy with the band and the record label. It’s about time that someone makes a label for black metal and other grim music, and STRIKE BACK. There is NO reason why DSP shouldn’t be as big as Peaceville or Nuclear Blast, if we can just get the business on its feet again and get good distribution. That’s the only way to compete with the HC labels. It’s about time we start taking control over our own scene. We must spread the EVIL bands and pervert people’s souls.

F: What about the Norwegian scene then? Don’t you think that something is terribly wrong when it have gone so far that we have a christian “death metal” band here (Crush Evil)? Advices on how we should kill them?

Euro: First of all— the Norwegian scene is the BEST. There are a lot of GREAT bands (yet with no album out) and of course some shitty trend bands, but nothing as in Sweden. There you have 2-3 good bands out of 100, while here we have a few shit bands who hardly have made even a demo, while all the great bands will make records in the near future. Such as Darkthrone, Burzum, Immortal, Thorns (I’m flattered/ED*), Arcturus, Enslaved and newer bands like Malfeitor and others which I have not yet heard. BUT— when it comes to bands like Crush Evil, we must take serious action. It’s bad enough to have a couple of society bands, but a CHRISTIAN band is too much. But don’t worry, we have plans. They will not continue for a very long time.

F: And now over to something more humouristic....yes.... snuff movies. Who had been the perfect actor for a snuff movie, and why the hell aren’t they legalized? Don’t you think that every video-store should have its own section with snuff-movies?

Euro: Actually I think it’s great that movies like that are forbidden. If they were legal and easily accessible, all the small trend children would be watching them, and then it would not be something extreme anymore (I’m not sure if I agree with you here Euronymous. Snuff movies are usually too raw and brutal for the people with their “peace and life” infected minds. Remember the HC rules/ED) (shut the fuck up, Faust*) It’s just the same what happened to death metal— it became something everyone could buy in every store, something normal and accessible for everyone. All the mystic and evil atmosphere is GONE. I do not think snuff-movies are funny, I think they are DARK. I’ve seen people laugh at them, but that’s probably because they will not be mentally able to take the PAIN and EVIL on over themselves. That is the best way to watch such a movie, to try to FEEL the actual pain of the victims. It becomes much more gruesome then, and that’s great. One must be alone in the darkness and suffer with the victims, if you watch it with other people, they will often talk, laugh and so on, and then you get more distanced from it, it’s not supposed to be funny (death to fun), it’s much better when it’s depressive.

F: Through the years you have been talking about releasing bands like Samael, Rotting Christ, Master’s Hammer, Tormentor, Matricide, Imperator, Massacre etc. on Deathlike Silence Prod., but now some of these bands have released lp’s on labels which only have money in their eyes and know that black metal sells. Doesn’t that frustrate you, and don’t you feel it like the time is running out for you?

Euro: It’s a bit frustrating, but it is also a result of trying to be “underground” which is a suicide policy. Anyway, the main thing is that these evil records get released at all, and not who’s releasing them. We will probably release a record with Tormentor, they’re split up, but they still want to make their Anno Domini demo on vinyl, and we’ll try to fix it within the summer. The time is not running out, because there are a lot of really evil bands around. — most of the Norwegian bands which other labels haven’t heard about. Burzum is ten times better than all the bands on Earache together, and so are Thorns and Arcturus. So there is no problem, really. As for bands like Rotting Christ and Master’s Hammer, we might do something in the future instead. I’ve never been talking with Samael about any deal, but I wish I had as their album is FUCKING GREAT.

F: Almost all bands in the underground today says that they think they got their own style and originality, but the fact is that 95% of the bands sounds totally the same. What is an original death metal band today?

Euro: There exists no death metal bands today. There are only a handful of (mostly great) bands (in case someone hadn’t got it right— black metal has nothing to do with the music itself, both Blasphemy and Mercyful Fate are black metal. It’s the LYRICS, and they must be SATANIC. If not, it is NOT black metal) and what we choose to call LIFE METAL bands. Take a band like Therion. Their music is quite ok, it’s actually one of the best Swedish bands (even though that doesn’t say much) but their lyrics STINK. They are about society and pollution, what the fuck has that got to do with DEATH? If a band cultivates and worships death, then it’s death metal, no matter what KIND of metal it is. If a band cultivates and worships Satan, it’s black metal. And by saying “cultivates death”, I don’t think about thinking it’s funny, or being into gore, I’m thinking about being able to KILL just because they HATE LIFE. it’s people who enjoy to see wars because a lot of people get killed. How many bands think that way? Not many. I can’t think of one.

F: You’re maybe not the most active band when it comes to gigs, but at least you’ve managed to tour Germany and Turkey. What can you tell us from the tour, and is there any new gigs planed?

Euro: That tour was a big mess, we’ll NEVER take the train again! We lost quite some money, but still it was great to get to East-Germany and Turkey. The memories of the tour consist mostly of the starvation and idiotic custom officers, but still I wouldn’t like to have missed the opportunity. We don’t have any concrete plans, we’ll see happens in the future. We don’t like to play for a lot of trendies in jogging suits, so we prefer to leave it be.

F: What do you think of the fact that death metal has been on MTV?

Euro: It sucks. But it isn’t death metal anyway, so....

F: I know that you will soon release the debut album of Abruptum on DSP, so, what can you tell us about it?

Euro: It’s EVIL. It’s PURE EVIL, they were torturing each other in studio DURING the recording and you can HEAR on the music how they SUFFER. It will be the most demented record EVER, and it’s NOT for normal people. This is music which NEVER can become trendy, because normal people won’t be able to understand it. And that’s great. The price for the album it’ll be the same as for the BURZUM lp, which should be somewhere else in this ‘zine*. It’s called “Obscuriratem Advoco Amplèctere Me”, and stay away from it if you don’t like pure DARKNESS.

F: Don’t you think that people in the underground should respect others ideas and views more? I mean, it’s not accepted to spread unpopular thoughts. It seems like there is some sort of guardians of morality and most people keep in mind not to say or do anything which is not accepted by the public.

Euro: I don’t think people should respect each other. I don’t want to see trend people respecting me, I want them to HATE and FEAR. If people don’t accept our ideas as their own, they can fuck off because then they belong to a musical scene which has NOTHING to do with ours. They could just as well be Madonna fans. There is an ABYSS between us and the rest. Remember— one of the HC rules is that you must be open-minded (except for themselves), so we must be careful and avoid being open-minded ourselves. The HC pigs have correctly made themselves guardians of morality, but we must kick them in the face and become guardians of anti-morality.

F: You say you want your riffs to have a dark mood and really sound evil, but what if you came up with a riff which just sounded good, but not evil. Would you use it then?

Euro: Well, if a riff sounds good to me, it mostly means that it sounds evil too. At least when I make the music myself. Haven’t really thought about this about this before.

F: Do you think you’ve been playing this sort of music today if it weren’t for those old bands like Mercyful Fate, Venom and Hellhammer?

Euro: It’s impossible to say. Venom and the other ancient ones have been fundamental influences on Mayhem, and also the direct reason of the band’s existence. We like to think that if they hadn’t started up this, we would have, but who knows? Doesn’t really matter anyway, we hail ancient Venom as the CREATORS.

F: Ok, no more questions at the moment. End the interview in what way you want......

Euro: Perhaps it should be mentioned that well re-release the MAYHEM mini-lp “Deathcrush” VERY soon. We also have t-shirts available now. People should write for prices on things. Be EVIL, not open-minded.

Ok, I suppose some of you already know that Euronymous started up a shop in Oslo in the spring of ‘91. The shop is called “HELVETE” (which is Norwegian and means “HELL”) and are specialized within underground stuff and death metal in general (though he also have some other styles of music there). As he said in the MAYHEM interview, the shop really have a black metal look, so if you ever visit Oslo, I really recommend you to visit “HELVETE” as well. I think it’s good that people take the initiative to start up with such things, because if everyone were just passive, we would all get ruined by poser-shops like Hot Records where they take 140 NKR for the Earache albums (which you in “HELVETE” can get a CD for the same price). Euronymous also sells though mail, so write and ask for a list or something: HELVETE, Schweigaardsgt. 56, 0656 Oslo. NORWAY.”

That’s all! :)

And now for the things I put in asterisks, in order of their appearances.

*If for some reason you actually don’t know who Faust is, he was the drummer on the Emperor LP and “In The Nightside Eclipse” but you might also know him from other great hits such as “threatening to kill Mortiis from prison whilst simultaneously attempting to plead murder of the secondth degree”, “I’m glad the people Euronymous ripped off won’t get their money back because he’s dead hA hA!”, “I got fourteen years for murder because I’m a socially inept virgin— oops” and “bad... bad lyrics who’s quality somehow don’t improve with the passing of time”. All jokes are done in good humour— if it seems like I dislike him, it’s not that at all. I just find him easy to make fun of.

Here is another short bio, this one less sarcastic: he was born in Trondheim, lived around Kvikne, and Lillehammer, worked at Helvete, was a close friend of Euro’s, and has his sun in Taurus.

He also beefed with Glen Benton for dissing the Party City cape (Note: of course I’m being extremely reductive) he and Euronymous seemed to share. Here are a few pictures of Faust:

Here is the infamous Party City cape:

*This was surprisingly hard to find. I think he read it in a mag or something. Here’s a link to where you can find it: https://issuu.com/davidgamble/docs/paranormal37/3 page 64-65.

*Slayer mag was another zine, this one by a bloke named Metalion, who was Euro’s best friend.

*Faust (who felt the strange need to make a distinction between himself, the editor, and himself, the interviewer) also played in Thorns (well, Stigma Diabolicum), under the hilarious moniker: Fetophagia✨

*He’s being a fucking idiot, what was I supposed to say? It should be noted that Faust actually went down for the snuff films too.....

*In case you’re interested, for whatever reason, the prices for the Burzum LP were as follows:

Norge— 130 NKR

Norden— 100 K

Finland— 60 FN

Island— 1000 IK

Europe— 15$

Outside Europe,

Overseas— 15 $

Air— 22$

East Europe— 10$

By ‘norden’ he presumably meant ‘northern Norway’, and “Island” is the Norwegian word for Iceland. Notice the way he doesn’t include Sweden! (Edit: Originally I thought he didn’t include Finland because there was a black metal war with them as well, but it seems as though that feud came a bit later or had already passed)

That’s all, for real this time!

Legal disclaimer: I am absolutely, in no way shape or form, claiming that the stupid cape you see them wearing is literally from Party City. From my limited research, I’ve gathered that the Party City chain hasn’t yet opened its doors in the beautiful and glorious country we know as Norway— Norge. However, I am saying that the cheap, dinky piece of cloth covering their backs and shoulders are of the same kind of shitty quality you’d expect from a Party City Count Dracula costume and that maybe Glen had a point about how stupid Euronymous (and Faust) must’ve looked.......

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 12 rewatch thoughts

- I would like to thank them for keeping in din’s harried yet triumphant ‘hAH!!’ when he gets the explosives to stick to gideon’s ship in the ‘hey remember when this happened last season’ section, that was a nice gesture from the showrunners to me personally, I assume

- this episode actually helped me find more enjoyment in the last one, because it’s such a nice reassurance that even though they’re pulling in more stuff from other star wars media this show won’t suddenly stop being its own thing and mando won’t suddenly stop being himself and it’s very comforting to me somehow haha

- the small hesitation before din calls out “do you... do you have the wire?” lol lol lol he’s completely aware of the bizarreness of what he’s doing here but hey being alive is already so damn weird etc. 

the softness of his voice the whole way through and the fact that he never, never blames the baby for not being able to do what shouldn’t really be asked of him in the first place, tho... ;____;  

- the tiny exasperated head tilt din does when he realizes the hatch isn’t going to extend all the way fdslkfhasdlashfs  

- din is looking down at the baby the entire time while greef talks to the mechanics ❤️❤️❤️

(the baby seems pretty drawn to/excited to see greef again and mando seems to notice which is extremely cute. he’s becoming really good at tuning in with the kid) 

he also greets cara baby first in much the same way as he does peli, like he knows what the main attraction here is lol, they do a very sweet bro nod at each other. god I wish gina carano wasn’t so terrible imagine if we could just have this BrOTP without hesitations :( 

I think greef is actually a bit worried to begin with after seeing the ship, he sort of takes din in intently before he huffs a little laugh and grabs his arm. it must be a bit stressful to be his friend and not be able to see his expression right away when you worry something might be seriously wrong haha

- people are finally treating the baby like you would a real baby and it’s such a blessing, everyone talking and cooing at him and baby babbling back

(I wonder if greef has children of his own? he does have an undeniable air of experienced grandpa about him in this episode, it’s adorable)  

- din does so much talking -- unprompted, even! -- these days, it truly is an embarrassment of riches 

- capital E Emotional about this shot with IG-11 right behind din and cara inviting him into the school in front of him. some past carried with us into the future shit going on here  

IG-11′s legacy’s still got our back y’all :’) I swear to god if gideon blows up nevarro at some point I’m going to lose it 

the ‘oh yeah?/that so?’ way din leans his head back after she says “wait until you see inside” is also amazing

- baby reaching out his hand like ‘can have?’ is so polite ;______; he takes after his father (including in the ‘fool me twice, I’ll fuck you up’ department haha. listen you get one chance to be cool about it and then no more mr nice mando/baby)

-

go ahead, kid, make a fuss about it. who are you going to tell, huh? who’s going to believe you? you gonna tell them you got bested by a baby? a magic baby? no? that’s right. I took your dignity as easily as I took your macarons, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and now you gotta live with that. sweet dreams.

(this is a joke. the baby is not evil. I hate that I even have to specify this but I’ve seen some stupid shit in the tags in my time you guys haha) 

- I can’t work out what anything on greef’s desk is supposed to be, but if that’s a computer it’s got to be older than even the razor crest lol

- friends: din yes?

mando: din no, only repairs

friends: din yes please?

mando: ... [sigh] din yes 

he truly has next to no defense against people he actually likes asking him for something huh lol. well a self care co-op mission clearly did him a world of good in this one at least it’s all fine

- “I’m starting to dehydrate, Boss” is an excellent line and delivered perfectly, I cackle every time (”You park your gills right there until I say otherwise” is a good runner up too) 

- it’s so nice to see the small moments of communication between them in this one after mando was so out of sync with the team in the last one (and tbf those guys didn’t even try to give him any pointers at all, they really left him to flounder through the whole thing if you watch it carefully haha)

- the mythrol’s jacket still looks so comfy, I want one

- aaaaah the way din says “I don’t like this” is just so... hnnngh it’s perfect, there’s a vulnerability and openness to it for a moment. greef glances over at him like he hasn’t heard him sound like this before too, which just sells it even more

u ok bro?

you know shit’s fucked up when din djarin expresses an emotion without even being forced to by circumstance (I think what I mean is that it’s actually really rare for him to state how he feels about something just to do it, usually his communication is more practically oriented, more along ‘I think this is the best cause of action because of a and b’ lines, or like when he tells omera he’s grateful it’s... more to inform her of it and make sure she knows than to express himself? but he’s starting to do it more with people he trusts now and it gets me in the heart? man I’m finding this hard to articulate let’s move on lol)

- I really, really wonder about pershing’s position in all of this. his plea for the child’s life did sound genuine -- he did try to guard him with his own noodly scientist body when he thought din was out to hurt him, remember -- but is that only because he knows he’s in deep shit himself without the blood the baby can give? is he maybe not quite cool with whatever gideon has him doing? (he does sound quite strained when he talks about the ‘body’ rejecting the transfusion and the ‘volunteer’ potentially suffering the same fate... hm.)

idk why I want there to be something redeemable in him so bad, maybe it’s just my weird yet enduring attachment to ladon radim in stargate atlantis messing with me they’re kind of similar in some ways (yeah don’t ask me I don’t know either sometimes the heart wants what it wants in ways reason can’t explain)

- tfw ur literally launching yourself across a pool of boiling lava because you’re Dad and your baby’s in danger T__________T he just does not stop running towards that kid for even a single second help

- there’s something so innocently pure and... old fashioned? about the scene with mythrol and greef screaming the entire time they drive off the cliff, it feels like something out of a movie from like three decades ago. that whole segment feels a bit like that, it’s just there to be fun and that’s okay sometimes

- every dog fight in every movie should have a baby nonchalantly snacking on a cookie in them, it elevates the experience immeasurably (he squishes his nose a little bit with the macaron when he misses his mouth at one point, which is more than anyone should be expected to bear honestly)

I love that even all fixed up again the razor crest groans and creaks like an old tired thing when din makes it flip to dive, he 100% did take out a bunch of ferraris in his stalwart morris minor of a spaceship and I treasure him     

- there’s so much life and emotion in din’s voice here I can’t!!!! I simply can’t!!!! imagine if we get to hear him openly laugh one day, would I even survive it??!!!!

 also the kid makes such pitch perfect ‘having my lil nose wiped and whining about it’ baby noises when din uses his cape to clean him up (din does turn the autopilot on before he turns around to deal with it, for those who, like me, worry about these things) 

- between carson showing up and the stuff the droid talks about in the lesson they’re doing quite a bit of outer rim vs. core worlds theme building in this one, I wonder if this is going to ramp up more or what

- god but gideon’s theme SLAPS tho 

he’s probably going to try to fuck up everything I love but you can’t fault him on the tunes he’s going to do it to 

[not-poignant]

Hello, I love your writing and I love how you manage to write complex characters and antagonists I can totally sympathize with (Augus, my precious), so I was wondering if you have any advice on that? Also, how do you decide on a love interest for your MC? Sorry if this is too broad of a question, but your writing advice is always super helpful.

Hiya

I‘m glad you’re enjoying the writing! Honestly I don’t know if I’m going to do a good job of explaining these things, but I hope whatever I say helps!

Writing a sympathetic antagonist

Firstly, most importantly, they have to be sympathetic! I know I know, that sounds stupid, and obvious, but it’s true. Don’t expect every reader to still like your antagonist, they won’t. Not everyone likes villain, antagonist or even antihero fiction.

Re: garnering sympathy:

Show the character as genuinely vulnerable. (Consider Augus being hurt by Gwyn in the dungeon, even if most of it slid off of him, that gag certainly didn’t). (Consider that even though Eran is Mosk’s captor and actually not a very nice person, we understand his motivations for being mean - he has lost his entire family, and he believes Mosk is the reason. He’s shown experiencing constant culture shock, totally alone, and he doesn’t understand the new world he finds himself in). (Consider that Efnisien is living an extremely bleak life, post violent injury, and that he is shown to be vulnerable to his own patterns of thinking).

Show the shift in their attitude that makes them more relatable, or that gives the readers hope that they’re not about to revert back to who they used to be. (Augus clearly being far more even-minded and less destructive for the sake of it). (Eran constantly questioning how Mosk could be capable of his evil, and double-checking on himself, and it obviously being insecurity when he decides that Mosk is evil after all). (Efnisien is forcing himself to attend very personally challenging therapy sessions, and we can see that not only has he not hurt anyone in 3 years, we can see evidence of a life lived that tries to avoid opportunities to hurt people ever again).

Make them human, create common ground. Show them eating food, getting dressed, responding to a major (or minor) injury. Show them loving another character even if they only ever love one other character (Augus saying ‘careful’ to Ash in Shadows and Light was actually the moment that some readers fell in love with him or became intensely curious about him - and so while most readers came around to him in Game Theory, just having Augus genuinely love and feel protective towards his brother was enough to create sympathy and empathy). (Consider Efnisien and his love for Gwyn). (Consider Eran’s love for his family). Make it so that people literally can go ‘oh, I eat food that way’ or ‘oh, I’ve tried to hide an injury before’ or ‘that’s how I get dressed’ or ‘I hate summer too.’ Give them details that can stack up over time and create common ground.

In the case of characters who have done absolutely egregious things, whump the everloving fuck out of them. Like, this was legit a thing I did in Game Theory *deliberately* in order to create increased sympathy for Augus. Even people who have the most intense revenge fantasies re: a character burn out on them after a while. A person who is like ‘yeah I can’t wait to see them tortured and suffering and going through awful pain’ will, very often, get that and realise they didn’t want that much of it. And they will turn to sympathy instead. It’s worked an absolute fucking treat with Augus and Efnisien in particular.

Have someone who is worse opposite your antagonist. (Augus had the Nightingale. Eran has Olphix and Davix and, well, Mosk’s entire family. Efnisien has Crielle and Lludd). Give your villain a villain.

*

That’s it. You don’t have to make them ‘good.’ You don’t have to rationalise what they did. You don’t have to make excuses for what they’ve done or what they’ll do in the future. Your readers can make up their own minds on that, and they will, with or without your guidance. Augus can still be a waterhorse that eats people and sometimes uses compulsions because he’s impatient. Gwyn can still just straight up murder people without giving them much (or any) warning first.

When you don’t encourage sympathy based on a ‘good/bad’ binary, you can still have your antagonists and villains kind of stay where they are. They might do heroic things, they might do villainous things, the point of empathy is that they’re often doing and thinking relatable things, even if the subsequent actions aren’t themselves relatable.

I don’t do these things for villains that I don’t want to be sympathetic. But I must admit, I am enjoying showing different facets of Davix in The Ice Plague, even though I don’t really intend for him to be a transformed villain or anything.

Deciding on a love interest

This one is harder. Mostly because in some ways, it’s ‘simpler’ on the surface. All you’re doing is looking for a character who has qualities that strengthen your other character, and balance out the imbalances in your primary character and vice versa. They will need to have some things in common too. They also need to get along, and have a reason to get along (especially if it’s rivals to lovers).

Like, it’s hard to describe how I do this because I don’t spend a lot of time on this part. I tend to just...idk, ‘know’ what another character needs and build off that. And that’s fucking useless to break down for other people. BUT, it does mean I can at least use my doofuses as examples:

Augus and Gwyn: They are both people who favour diplomacy over war, but can be extraordinarily bloodthirsty when a situation calls for it, and they’re both actually pretty snarky and bitchy people (things in common). Augus is proud of his sexuality and does not see the point in not fully embracing who you are as a monster, Gwyn rejects his monstrous self and is not proud of his sexuality or his role as a sub (Augus strengthens Gwyn in this, and complements what Gwyn lacks). Gwyn is extremely bold and secure in his ability to manage a Kingdom and also protect his loved ones, he is very able to step forwards into his future decisively, fully confident in his ability to do what is best for the people around him and the nation (Gwyn strengthens Augus in this, and complements Augus’ insecurities in this area).

You can find lots of other examples of complementary traits in Augus and Gwyn in particular (Augus had a happier family, Gwyn didn’t. Gwyn has military and physical training, Augus mostly hasn’t. Augus understands fashion and courtiers, Gwyn doesn’t. Gwyn understands tracking and large-scale military operations, Augus doesn’t. Augus understands finer interpersonal relationships, Gwyn doesn’t. Gwyn understands politicking that’s specifically malicious or manipulative (like the Raven Prince, Augus doesn’t).

Mosk and Eran: They are both people who are extremely determined and share a common goal (Mosk took a little while to get online with that goal, but okay). They are both actually very earnest at their hearts and want people to be happy with them, and they both need guidance from people in positions of authority. They’re both hot-headed (in different ways, but they both absolutely fly off the handle all the fucking time). Ultimately, they want to feel warm and supported (things in common).

Mosk is extremely aesthetic and cares for beautiful things and scenery, at all times, he tends to tune into an environment based on its beauty, Eran on the other hand tends to be a bit stuck in the past, and isn’t always quick to see the beauty in the present. (Mosk enriches Eran’s life in the present, but helping him to focus on what might be beautiful in the present). Eran likes to feel as though he’s helping people and he needs to feel needed, Mosk needs someone to take care of him (Eran enriching Mosk).

Tbh you could come up with a lot of examples. Places where they ‘complement’ each other are also places of potential conflict. Eran being hopeful and optimistic is definitely a point of contention between Mosk and Eran when it clashes against Mosk’s pessimism, even though it’s good for Mosk to be around more hopeful attitudes, and it’s good for Eran to be more realistic sometimes.

ANYWAY. Basically, yeah, I... this second part I’m a lot worse at, sorry. The process of coming up with love interests is very organic, and I don’t actually like, sit down and plan these things. Which means I don’t have a formula to share. (I am very much just making shit up as I go).

Idk if any of that is helpful, but I hope it is. <333

Please don’t listen to my writing advice lol.

[loveafterthefact]

Love After the Fact Chapter 22: Convergence

Adam is sent to Daibazaal to research and eavesdrop. He totally does those things.

First  Previous  Next

Adam sits in a Daibazaani medical library, digging through records and case studies, nutritional guides and texts on growth spurts, season, and prenatal care. It’s tedious work, and most of it is only applicable to your average Galra, not one with a growing disorder. He'll gather data on what he can, and use it to make inferences in regards to what he can't.

He hasn't heard a single word. Not a whisper. Whatever rumors Lanval spoke of, they're either not here, or someone has gone to great lengths to make sure he doesn't hear about it. Figures. It's probably just some nonsense a few courtiers made up to entertain themselves. What a waste of time.

“I was told you were here.”

Adam looks up, adjusting his reading glasses to better see- “Takashi? What are you doing here?”

The captain smiles, stepping into the room ears-first. “I’ve taken some leave. I’m just out of my season and need a few days to recover.”

“Your- Oh, yes, of course. I forgot. You’re like Keith.”

“Yes. So what brings you to Daibazaal? Please, I’m so bored.”

Adam looks Shiro up and down. He seems quite tired, thinner than he remembers. Instead of leaning in the doorway of the reading room, he’s now leaning against the desk. “It seems boredom might be a good idea, given how you’re unwilling to stand for any length of time.”

“Season is… exhausting.”

A thought occurs to Adam, staring at Shiro. He sits back. “Tell me more. Lance sent me here in person to research such things, so a first-hand account could be invaluable.”

"I suppose. Why in person?"

"He wants me to keep my ears to the walls, listen for signs of unrest. That's all I'll say on the matter."

“Understandable. Well, it’s one of those things people don’t talk about…” Shiro’s smile widens. “But I don’t think it would do any harm. When you’re in season, you’re in this sort of haze. Time holds little meaning and your thoughts aren’t coherent. It can feel like it’s been days when it’s been minutes and minutes when it’s been days. You’re uncomfortable, like a fever but without the temperature. You forget to eat and drink, except for moments of extreme thirst. You’re ah, you’re wet, between your legs and you ache there. You can divine the rest of that.”

“So you what, lie in a daze and wait for a pack of other Galra to come ravage you?” Adam raises an eyebrow, frowning at the Galra.

Shiro laughs, displaying sharp teeth. “No, nothing like that. My gods, you Alteans really do think us animals, don’t you? Well, I wait for that, yes. But to say every sire within a certain radius is fighting for a chance to put a kit in me is absurd!

Our species mates for life, and we only ever have one mate. It’s an incredibly powerful bond, not something to be trivialized. You don’t choose someone at random. First mating while one of you is in season forges the strongest bond possible, but even then, it’s something decided beforehand, when actual consent can be given. When you do have a mate, they’re there to care for you, ensure you do not suffer too harshly. Everything else is meant to come second. ”

Adam stares, sighs. “Well, that was far more useful than everything I have read in the last six vargas. You have my thanks.”

Shiro simply smiles, one ear twitching as Adam types furiously on his datapad. “You really are a strange one. Not like the rest of your species.”

“No, I am not. My people are a foppish, silly gaggle of overgrown children who know little of the harshness this universe has to offer. Those who do are soldiers, and they have seen things they do not wish to speak of.”

“Alteans have never experienced invasion. They have the luxury of feeling safe in their homes.”

“A luxury indeed,” Adam murmurs. Silence stretches on for some time before Shiro speaks again.

“I think it’s high time you see something of Daibazaal's beauty, as opposed to our launchpad and the library.” Shiro stands, offers the slender Altean his arm.

Adam stares at it. “Where will we go?”

“Out of the city. Something… exceptionally rare is about to happen. I’d like for you to witness it with me. Besides, I could use the fresh air.”

“Seems to me what you could really use is a big meal and a good sleep.” Adam looks Shiro up and down, hazel eyes registering… hope. Shiro’s hopeful. He very much wants Adam to come with him. It’s enough to make him blush. He’s not used to this. “V- Very well.”

Adam cautiously takes the Galra captain’s arm. Shiro grins, visibly delighted.

They walk through darkened streets, the citizens still out of their dens, loose clothing drifting on a light breeze as they let pets out, fetch water, watch their children chase some kind of luminescent, flying reptile. It’s quiet, getting quieter by the minute. There’s a certain anticipation humming in the air.

The people watch as they pass by, glances giving way to stares as a well-dressed Altean walks by with a large Galra clearly fresh out of season. Adam ignores their gazes, looks straight ahead. The farther they go, the more red structures give way to red earth and scraggly plants. There is beauty here, Adam believes, if only his people could learn to appreciate something different. Perhaps it’s beautiful because it’s different.

“How has my… ‘brother’ -I think that’s the word- been these last few phoebs? He’s written to me, but it’s difficult to tell if he’s lying in writing.”

“He’s adjusting well. He’s begun training select men in combat on Alfor's orders. He threw a man across the room for disrespecting him. Lance particularly enjoyed it… Lance is the one beginning to struggle, I think."

“How so?”

“He’s essentially raising his spouse. It makes him uncomfortable. He said the other day it almost feels like he’s grooming him or manipulating him.”

Shiro throws his head back with a laugh. “Well you can tell your prince that there’s not a person alive that can groom or manipulate my brother into anything. He’s a stubborn little brat that does exactly what he wants. He follows orders because he chooses to. If he disagrees, he doesn't follow.”

“Sounds like he does what he wants either way.” Adam finds himself smiling at the humor, the fondness in Shiro’s voice as he talks about the youth he calls his brother.

“Exactly.” Shiro’s smile turns sly as they pass the last of the dens. “You know… there’s really only one reason I can think of that Lance would worry about such a thing.”

“And what reason is that?”

“They’re growing close.”

“They are, though independently from one another. Both are laboring under the delusion that they’re the only one developing feelings. Which begs the question: How can two strikingly intelligent, beautiful people be so singularly stupid?”

“A question for the moons. Speaking of which, we’re here. Sort of.”

In front of them is a rickety-looking bridge, wood and vines strung together, ends wrapped and woven around a pair of boulders on either side. They’re standing on the edge of a massive chasm. Leaning over, Adam can see water far, far below. “Hypothetical question: If I were to be thrown off this bridge, would I survive?”

“No. But don't worry. I won't let that happen. Now come on. You're about to see something incredibly rare and unbelievably beautiful.” Shiro somehow manages to slip Adam’s hand down to his own, guiding him onto the bridge. Adam hesitates, though he’s not sure if it’s due to the warm hand fully encompassing his or to the terrifying drop below. “You’re safe, Adam. I promise.”

Adam meets Shiro’s gray eyes, sees a smile there, takes a deep breath, takes a step. The bridge creaks beneath his feet, but he barely notices, following those ears that are always following him. Once they reach the middle of the bridge, Shiro does something almost as horrifying as being thrown off the bridge: he sits, tugs Adam down beside him.

Shiro sighs, swings his legs back and forth over the edge. He’s gazing straight ahead, fur glistening in pale moonlight. Adam follows his gaze, eyes growing wide. Two moons, enormous and full, hover over the canyon, nestled perfectly between its walls. As they watch, the silver moon begins to cover the golden one.

“Wow.”

“Tonight is a complete superimposition. Thanks to actual mass and some weird science stuff involving magnetic somethings and polarity and other stuff I don’t understand, we’re fortunate that our little system is stable with moons this size. And that superimposition won’t destroy us all. Instead it’s just… remarkably beautiful.”

Adam watches, sitting silent, the drop below forgotten as the two moons find the same center, blindingly bright, outshining the stars. Subconsciously, he leans perhaps a spot to the left, head and shoulder resting against Shiro’s side. He's not sure if he wants to keep his eyes open and watch or close them and savor the moment.

“Better than your research?” Shiro murmurs.

“Much better. Although if anyone asks, I never left the library.”

“Of course not. You only care about your work... Thank you for joining me.”

Adam hums, eyes half-closed as the moons gently slide past one another, quiet and discreet, rising high into the sky. It's a fleetingly short display, like an eclipse. He has no more reason to stay here, now that the show is over, but he finds himself unwilling to move, soaking up the warmth of Shiro’s body as more and more warmth leeches from the seemingly arid planet.

“We should get back before we freeze. It’s only gonna get colder.”

Adam sighs, nods, sits up so Shiro can stand. The moment is well and truly over, and worldly concerns -like hypothermia- have returned. Yet something lingers, hovering between them like warmth as they return to their realities.

It lingers as Adam returns tirelessly to his research, as Shiro brings him something to eat. When Adam finally surrenders to his burning eyes and aching head, he realizes that Shiro never left. He’s still there, asleep with his head on the desk.

For the first time in his life, Adam’s not sure what to do. So he leaves a note, steals some tablets, goes home. Wheeling his craft around for one last glance, he gets a ping on his comms device.

See you soon?

-Takashi

Adam bites his lip. He knows far better than this. Nobility though he may be, he's the crown prince's attendant. It's not his place to go fooling around with captains. And yet...

Hopefully

-Adam

The sad part is, Adam really is hopeful. This is going to be a major pain in his ass.

[lenniewip]

Unknown (A Sterek Wrong Number/Celebrity AU)

11.09 PM Unknown Number

>I’m writing songs about you again.

11.20 PM Unknown Number

>its stiles btw.

>in case you deleted my number

>I did.

>I mean I deleted yours.

>but I still remember it apparently

11:41 PM Unknown Number

>I only have 2 lines so far

11:57 PM Unknown Number

>I bleed you from my veins.

>I grieve you like I love you.

>alone.

>its better with the chords.

>u were always better at writing lyrics than me

12:34 AM Unknown Number

>u were better everything than me

2:00 AM Unknown Number

>I hate that I miss you

2:07 AM Unknown Number

>do u want to hook up?

>I promise not to propose again

2:15 AM Unknown Number

>im sorry.

>ignore me.

>im drinking

Derek blinked bleary eyes. His phone screen was the only source of light in his room, as he read through the flurry text messages.

What the hell is a Stiles?

2:17 AM Unknown Number

<I think you have the wrong number

>Lydia?

<no

>oh thank fuck

>I mean

>I’m sorry

>for disturbing ur sleep

>but im just glad I didn’t drunk text my ex all of this

>bullet dodged right?

>is this what near death experiences feel like?

<I wouldn’t know.

>of course

>hey

>seeming as I have you here can I ask you a quick q?

>all my friends are asleep

<probably because its 3am

<everyone’s asleep

>2.39

>and ur not

>asleep that is

>so?

>I’ll take your silence as a go ahead

>what do you think?

>of the lyrics

<im the wrong person to ask

>never experienced heartbreak?

<no

<all song lyrics just look like bad poetry to me

>oh

>yeah I guess it does

>not everyone can be Rupi Kaur tho right?

<do you want to be rupi kaur?

>sure

>not to be dramatic or anything

>but

>I want to be anyone but me

>think id rather be someone like regina spektor tho

<regina spektor?

>singer/song writer

>shes my fucking inspiration

>her lyrics are like poetry to me

>you should listen to her music

<I dont really listen to music

>what the fuck?

>are you an alien?

<no?

>nice fucking try ET

>thats exactly what an alien would say

<…you got me there

>akdjfen

>is this you admitting I was right?

<no

<but this is me going to bed

<because its now 4AM

>already?

>fuck

>ive got an early start tomorrow

>good night random stranger

>and thanks

>for listening

>or reading ig

<good night

//

“You’re late.” Laura frowned, arms crossed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Derek grumbled, still feeling the affects of having stayed up until 4AM the previous night.

Laura didn’t argue she just stepped aside to let him through into her flat. “You’re grumpier than usual.” She noted.

“Didn’t sleep well.”

Derek hated the look she gave him then.

The look that said he was broken. The look that said she wanted to fix him.

“Is…Is it the nightmares again?” Laura’s voice dipped to a whisper, like the question alone would be enough to send him over the edge.

“No.”

An awkward silence defended over the two of them, neither knowing what to say.

Derek clung to the silence like a blanket, wishing things could go back to how they used to be. Back to when they knew how to speak to one another.

But this was enough.

It was enough to know that they were both trying. Failing. But trying.

//

2:40 PM Laura

>I’m here if you need to talk.

//

Derek isn’t good at art, but sometimes it’s the only way he can express himself. Words had never been his forte.

So instead he doodles.

Shitty toddler level doodles that he never shows anyone.

Sometimes he thinks if he could bring himself to show Laura she would like it. Maybe she would even understand it.

But there was a bigger chance that she wouldn’t, and he would feel even more like a stranger to his own sister than he already was.

//

10:18 PM Unknown Number

>I don’t remember it anymore

<You have the wrong number again

>No

>This is ‘not Lydia’ right?

<right

>So here’s the thing.

>I always thought if I needed to text her I could

>And I thought maybe I got her number wrong because I was drunk

>But I can’t remember it anymore

<Oh.

>I have some of her things still

>I don’t think I’ll ever get to return it now

>Unless she messages me first

<When did you two break up?

>Last year

>and I know what you’re thinking

>’it’s October’

>and I should be over her by now

>Trust me I know

>So you don’t need to lecture me

<I wasn’t going to

>Oh

<Stiles?

>That’s weird

<what is?

>I forgot I told you my name

<You should throw away the stuff she left behind.

>you’re right

>I don’t like it.

>but you’re right

>…thanks

<What for?

>for listening

>reading**

>my friends are pretty sick of hearing me complain

>so this is nice

<sure

<anytime

>dope

>no take backsies

<am I going to regret this?

>for definite

>you’re stuck with me now

//

That night Derek saves Stiles’ number as ‘Bad Poet’.

//

Stiles keeps messaging after that.

Stiles messages like they’ve been friends for years, and Derek very determinedly does not analyse why it is he always responds.

Even when there are messages dated from Laura from three days ago that he hasn’t even been able to bring himself to open yet.

He also ignores how when he’s messaging Stiles the gaping pit that had made residence in his chest feels just a little less inescapable.

//

Derek can’t bring himself to tell Stiles his name. He can’t bring himself open up, even though there’s a large part of him that wants to.

He’s not above admitting he’s scared.

//

Derek draws Stiles sometimes.

More accurately he draws a vague pair hands texting on a phone, because he has no idea what Stiles actually looks like.

Derek refuses to let himself dwell on that though, because they are happy drawings.

The pictures of Stiles are pretty much his only happy drawings right now.

//

They don’t always talk about Lydia.

Sometimes Stiles messages Derek song lyrics he’s working on.

Other times it’s memes, or just a bunch of emojis.

Once Stiles had just messaged him what Derek could only assume was a list of everything he had eaten that day.

Sometimes Stiles messages in rambles - and Derek can’t always keep up with the boy’s run away thoughts, but even then he never feels lost the way he does when he’s trying to interact with literally anyone else.

And sometimes it’s 2AM. Those are simultaneously Derek’s favourite and least favourite texts.

//

2:02 AM Bad Poet

>sometimes I feel like too much

>and too little

>at the same time

>u ever feel like that ET?

<not really

>its like I’m infinite, and meaningless

>like a never ending echo

>or a recurring decimal

>I just stretch on and on forever but theres no point to it

>I have no depth

<youre not meaningless

<you’re a rhythm.

<like breathing

>…

>was that a regina spektor reference?

<it might have been

>I thought you didn’t listen to music?

<well someone said her lyrics were like poetry

<so I thought I would check out a few songs

>well fuck

>what did you think?

<she’s good

>you spelt ‘amazing’ wrong

<I still prefer poetry

>of course you do

Derek stared at the texts an ache filling his chest.

Derek was the opposite of infinite. Everything he touched turned to flames.

//

10:30AM Bad Poet

<my sister bought me flower seeds

>I didn’t know you had a sister?

<she’s everything I have

>oh

<and I think she’s trying to trick me into therapy somehow

>…with flower seeds?

<yes

>you sound extremely paranoid

>maybe therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you?

<shut up

>noted.

>keep me posted on how your gardening goes

>also

>as a side note

>you know you have me too right?

>if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m right here for you

<thanks

>anytime

//

On Derek’s birthday Laura insists the two of them spend the day together, and Derek knows better than to argue.

She buys him a cake and they spend hours sat next to one another silently. Two strangers desperately trying to keep hold of one another but with an ocean dividing them.

Once their family had been so alive.

And it was all Derek’s fault that was gone.

They both knew it.

Sometimes Derek wondered if Laura hated him as much as he did.

He was too scared to ask.

//

That night Derek chased the ache in his chest away with a drink.

And then several more followed.

//

1:14 AM Bad Poet

<seh haars me

>sorry bud, you’re going to have to try again

>try spell checking before hitting send

<she.hates mee

>who?

<larn

>are you drunk?

<yeh

<tyongs ndrf

*Out Going Call: Bad Poet*

The phone rings twice before being picked up. “Sorry. Stupid keyboard is so small. Impossible to type.” Derek mumbled, his words slightly muffled by his cheek being pressed into the sofa cushion.

“Wow. You’re really sloshed huh?”

“No.” Derek denied. “Just tipsy.”

“Right. So what was it you were trying to tell me? Someone hates you?”

“Laura.”

“Who’s Laura?”

“My sister.”

“Oh.”

“She looks at me like she wishes she could fix me.”

“That doesn’t sound like she hates you, bud.”

“She should. I can’t be fixed.”

“You’re right, because you’re not broken.”

Hearing Stiles say that Derek could almost believe it to be true.

“I mean it. You’re not broken. You’re just a different shape than you used to be. But the shape you are now is beautiful.”

Derek closes his eyes and lets the words wash over him. “Do you sing?” He finds himself asking.

“What?”

“I know you write songs, but do you ever sing?”

“Oh…” Stiles sounds uncomfortable. “I guess… Yeah. I do.”

Derek hummed in the back of his throat. “I bet you have a nice voice.”

“Th-thanks.”

Derek tried to say something else, but all that comes out is a yawn, which makes Stiles let out a jittery laugh.

Derek tries to memorise the sound of It, but it’s so fleeting, it’s already slipping away from him.

“I think you need to go sleep, ET.”

“Yeah.” Derek agrees.

“Goodnight bud.”

“Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay on the phone? Just for a bit longer.” Derek clutched on to the phone like if he could grip tightly enough it would make Stiles stay.

I don’t want to be alone. The words die on Derek’s tongue.

“Sure.” Stiles didn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Sleep pulled at Derek’s consciousness, unravelling his grip on reality.

“Stiles?”

Stiles hummed in answer.

“Your shape is beautiful too.”

A small whimper came from the other end of the phone. “Thanks.”

//

7:50 AM Bad Poet

>how are you feeling today?

<better

>good <3

Derek holds his phone tightly and wishes that he had more to say. Just to keep the conversation going.

He also wishes (not for the first time) that Stiles was more than a faceless entity on the other end of the phone.

But it’s the first time he feels the want like a physical ache in his chest.

Derek had never been good with words, but if Stiles was here in front of him Derek would probably give him a hug.

But everything Derek touches eventually dies, and a larger part of him is relieved for the distance.

//

Derek plants the seeds his sister got him that day.

//

9:48 PM Bad Poet

>would it totally weird you out if I wanted to do another phone call?

>don’t feel like you need to say yes

>I just enjoyed talking to you

>and hearing your voice

>ugh.

>why are words so hard?

<I wouldn’t be opposed to a phone call

*Incoming Call: Bad Poet*

“Hey.” Derek feels breathless as he answers the phone, anxious excitement clawing it’s way up his throat.

“Hey.” Stiles sounds equally out of breath, and that helps.

Derek chews on his lip, scrambling for something to say. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know.” Stiles admitted. “Anything.”

“Helpful.” Derek said sarcastically.

“I mean. There’s one thing. I didn’t want to ask when you were drunk because it felt a little like taking advantage. And I don’t want you to think you have to answer-”

“Stiles.” Derek interrupts before Stiles could break into a full blown ramble.

“Tell me your name.” Stiles breaks. “Please.”

Anxiety grips his heart. But… he couldn’t stay scared forever.

“It’s Derek.”

“Derek.” Stiles repeats his name in a reverent whisper, as if committing it to memory.

And hearing Stiles say his name makes everything worth it.

//

Phone calls become a regular thing between the two of them over the next month. Always between late in the evening and the early hours of the day.

//

The next time Derek spirals he doesn’t drink before he calls Stiles, but he does cry on the phone.

The next morning he wakes up to a text from Stiles.

6:42 AM Bad Poet

>you need to talk to your sister

And Derek knows he’s right.

//

It’s not easy confronting Laura. He has two separate anxiety attacks on the walk to her apartment alone.

But he forces himself to take the dive.

“It’s okay if you hate me.” He tells her, even though it’s not okay. Laura’s hate might be the only thing in the world that could break him beyond repair.

Laura looks horrified as she stares at him. “I don’t- Obviously I don’t hate you Derek.”

“It’s my fault that they’re gone.” Derek addresses the elephant in the room.

If he hadn’t fallen in love with Kate.

If he hadn’t broken up with her, just to try and prove a point when she refused to say ‘I love you’ back…

There never would have been a fire.

Their family would still be here if it wasn’t for him.

“Fuck that!” Laura let out a harsh noise. “Derek, none of this was ever your fault. You were a kid, and even if you weren’t… You never set the fire.”

“I might as well have.”

“No. If anyone… I was your big sister- am your big sister. But I was so fucking wrapped up in myself. I didn’t even know about Kate.”

The last time Derek had seen Laura cry it had been at the funeral, so it took a second to fully sink in what he was seeing.

He found himself crying to.

“I’m so sorry, Der.”

Derek stumbled forwards pulling Laura into a crushing hug. Laura hugs him back just as tight.

They spend hours refusing to let go of one another.

//

He realises he fell asleep on Laura’s sofa when he woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. But he had no idea where it was, and he was too tired to move.

He feels Laura moving and the sound of the phone ringing gets louder before cutting off abruptly.

“Hello?”

“No - Derek’s asleep.”

“Maybe call at a more reasonable time?”

“Who is this?”

“Your voice sounds familiar.”

“Right.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Derek let sleep over take him once more.

//

2:29 AM Bad Poet

>sorry for calling so late

>you’re asleep so I’ll just take to you tomorrow

//

9:07 AM Bad Poet

<sorry, I was really tried

>no worries man

>you’re allowed to have a life outside of me

<was something wrong?

>no I was just bored, and didn’t realise how late it had gotten

>im fine

>how are you?

<im good actually

<I spoke to Laura

>yeah?

>I’m proud of you

>how’d that go?

<we both cried

<a lot

<and I ended up falling asleep on her couch

>look at you, opening up and shit.

>think I might cry now

<shut up

>literally never

>better men have tried and failed to silence me

//

2:40 PM Laura

>Want to see a movie on Friday?

<sure

//

One night Stiles calls Derek just to say his name in stupid ways, and laugh himself stupid after each one.

“Duhreek.”

“Doreck.”

“Fuck. I’m getting a stitch from laughing.”

“You’re so fucking dumb.” Derek is smiling as he said it.

“Deeruk.” Stiles wheezes out.

Derek just closes hie eyes and listens.

“I’m so fucking glad I know you, Stiles.” The words fall out of Derek’s mouth without much thought.

He only realises the weight of his words when Stile’s laughter pulls to a stop.

“I uh-” Stiles stammered. “Me too. Fuck. You’re the best thing to happen to me in…so fucking long. I’m glad I know you too Derek.”

//

Derek finally admits to himself that night that he’d fallen at least a little in love with the stranger from the unknown number.

//

He keeps trying to draw Stiles, but he can’t. Vague shapes just don’t cut it anymore.

He wants to map Stiles out with his eyes and translate it onto the page.

He wants to be able to see the smile behind the laughter.

He wants.

//

1:58 AM Bad Poet

>do you think you day we’ll actually meet?

>maybe not intentionally

>maybe one day we’d pass each other in the streets and not even know

>maybe we already have

Derek couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t notice Stiles.

<is there ever a moment when you’re not talking?

<I think id recognise your voice and know it was you

>maybe your face would make me speechless ;)

<I think id still know

<but if you want to be sure… I could send you a picture?

<of me

>dkfajd

>for reals?

>you would do that?

>you?

<well…not for free

>there’s always a catch

>what do you want?

>my soul?

>a blood debt?

>you can have whatever it is

<I meant you’d have to send me a picture too

<geez stiles

The next text takes an unnervingly long time to come through.

>I could do that

>a photo for a photo

>I kind of look like shit rn

>so no judging me

Derek spends the next two minutes fussing and fidgeting to take a good photo. No matter what angle he took it from the bags under his eyes were noticeable, and so was the week’s worth of stubble he had yet to shave off.

And maybe this was a terrible, awful, idea.

But Derek would send one hundred bad pictures if it meant getting to see one of Stiles.

He forced himself to press send on the last picture he took.

As he pressed send another photo came in.

Derek’s fingers shook as he hit the button to download the image.

His heart stopped.

Stiles was beautiful in every sense of the word, and Derek found himself unable to look away. Even when he heard the small dings of incoming messages.

But he couldn’t ignore them for long, because it was Stiles. And when ever Stiles messaged Derek had to answer.

>Fucking hell

>are you for real?

>you gave me a heart attack

>am I being catfished right now?

>when do you think you were going to tell me you’re the most fucking beautiful man to exist ever?

>how the hell to you look like that as 2AM!?

>Derek

>oh my god

>you gotta respond my dude because I’m freaking out a little bit

>still there?

>did my selfie scare you away?

>I would have tried harder for a nice photo if I knew I was talking to an adonis

>Derek?

<still here

>of thank fuck

>so…

<so?

>come on

>your going to give me a complex

>the selfie…was it okay?

>I know it’s not much

>but we can’t all be greek gods

<its beautiful

<you’re beautiful, stiles

>oh

>thanks

//

Derek is so far gone that he makes the picture of Stiles the home screen on his phone.

//

9:49 AM Bad Poet

<Laura wants me to meet her boyfriend

<this is all your fault

>how is this my fault?

<because she never wanted to introduce us before

<and then you got me to talk to my sister

<and now she wants me to meet him

>…and this is a bad thing?

<yes

>because?

<I don’t make good first impressions

<it’s going to be awkward

>yeah probably

<you’re not helpful

>I wasn’t trying to be ;)

>have fun, Derek!

//

Meeting Laura’s boyfriend wasn’t as awkward as Derek thought it was going to be. But it was strange.

Derek hadn’t been expecting to meet someone so soft and kind. He was nothing like any one that Laura had dated before.

But he also wasn’t used to seeing Laura smile as much as she did around him.

Maybe not all change was bad.

//

Derek tells Laura about Stiles by accident. Or more accurately he mentions Stiles once by accident (not even by name) and Laura had badgered him until he admitted that he had made a friend through a wrong number.

“There’s a lot of weirdos out there.”

“I know.”

God did Derek ever know.

But Stiles is different.

“Just…be careful.”

“I am being. I promise.”

Laura reluctantly lets it go after that. “So…what’s he like?”

“He’s…he’s like bad poetry.”

“Oh god. You’re in love with him aren’t you?”

Derek can’t bring himself to deny it, but he does tell Laura to shut up.

//

Derek fully embraces being in love with Stiles on the day he tells Stiles about his drawings. He’d never told anyone about them before - not even Laura. But telling Stiles had been easy.

‘It reminds me of line art’ Stiles had said when Derek had sent him a photo of the doodle he had been working on. “I love it’.

A warmth flutters through Derek’s veins.

//

It all goes sideways on the day Laura goes on Derek’s phone to check the time.

She’d raised one eyebrow at him looking amused.

“I thought you didn’t listen to music?” She said, a teasing note to her voice.

“I don’t.” Derek shrugged.

“A huh. So why do you have a picture of Stiles Stilinski as your wallpaper?” She asks.

It’s so startling to hear Stiles name coming out of Laura’s mouth that Derek’s brain refuses to function properly. “How do you know Stiles?” He asks weakly.

Laura laughs. “He’s not exactly a niche celebrity Der. He was a really famous YouTuber before he started selling albums.”

Derek doesn’t know what to say to that. He blinks as his world slowly unravels before him.

No.

She had to be wrong, because Derek couldn’t be in love with a celebrity. Stiles couldn’t be…

“Hey are you okay? You look really sick?”

“He’s famous?” His throat is dry.

“Yes? Are you okay? What’s wrong? You’ve got to speak to me Der. Use your words.”

Derek just shakes his head because he can’t.

“It’s him.” He manages to get out.

“What are you talking about?”

“Laura. It’s him.”

It takes a moment to click but Derek knows when it does because a look of thunderous wrath takes over Laura’s face.

“I’ll kill him.” She seethes, shaking with anger. “What kind of fucking punk thinks that this is a good prank to play?”

“What?”

“No one is getting away with catfishing you, Der. I’m going to hunt this fucker down, and then I’ll rip him so many new ones that he going to look like SpongeBob when I’m done with him.”

And god, Derek hadn’t even considered the thought that Stiles might not even be Stiles. The thought of Stiles being a liar…

The gape in his heart grows a little bit bigger.

And it all falls apart.

//

It takes hours before Derek can convince himself to confront Stiles.

11:08 PM Bad Poet

<you’re stiles stilinki

>fuck

(And yeah, it was really him).

>how did you find out?

<Laura

>I was going to tell you

<Were you?

>Yes

>I’ve wanted to for ages

>It just never felt like the right time to bring it up

<I wish you had decided on the right time was sooner

>Me too

>I’m sorry

>Please don’t hate me

Derek did not think it was possible for him to hate any part of Stiles.

<I don’t

>Thank fuck

>seriously

>can I call you?

<sure

Derek closed his eyes after sending the text and waited for Stiles to ring. A heartbeat later his ringtone sounded off.

“Hey.”

“You believe me right?” And Stiles sounds more frantic than Derek had ever heard him before.

“I believe you, Stiles.”

“Are you sure, because I can prove it if you want? I can do a video call? Or I can tweet literally anythi-”

“Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

Stiles lets out a small whine, that reaches through the phone line and yanks at Derek’s already tattered heart, unraveling him just a little more.

“Meet me.” Stiles said, taking Derek by surprise.

“What?”

“Please. I meant to throw a please in there, I’m just really fucking nervous right now. Meet me please. In real life. I uh- I was going to ask when I finally told you about the whole being a celebrity thing. It’s still weird to say that out loud. That’s part of why it was so hard to tell you. But the point was you beat me to the punch with the whole reveal thing, but I still wanted to ask.”

“Stiles…”

“And it’s not that I was trying to use my influence or fame to pressure you into meeting me. I just wanted to be in a space where we were one hundred per cent honest with one another before I asked you. You can still say no. Of course you can, I don’t know why I’m- my point is I hope you don’t say no.”

Derek feels his heart break in two.

“Stiles…I can’t.”

“Oh.”

He hadn’t fully realised just how many worlds apart the two of them were when he had fallen in love with Stiles. It felt even more impossible than it had before.

“I’m sorry.” The words leave him feeling hollow.

“No. Don’t apologise. This is just me getting carried away. It’s okay.”

I love you. The words never leave Derek. They can’t leave him.

There was no way this could work, and he was far too scared of breaking the tentative connection they had with his useless words.

It was better for him to just… fall out of love.

//

6:17AM Laura

<it’s really him

>are you sure

<I’m sure

>what are you going to do?

<nothing

>Derek you’re in love with him

<I’m aware

<it doesn’t matter

<it wouldn’t ever work

>I’m sorry

<don’t be

<I’m going to be fine

>Im coming over with wine

//

That night Derek fills pages and pages of his notebook with drawings of Stiles.

When he gets a message from Stiles at 11PM- for the first time since they started messaging- Derek leaves it unopened.

//

He never ignores a message again after that, and life moves on. Stiles still messages him all the time, but he never asks to call anymore.

Derek misses his voice so much that he goes onto youtube and listens to his music.

He buys all three albums Stiles released and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

//

He fills an entire notebook with doodles of Stiles.

It’s still not enough.

//

1:11 PM Bad Poet

>I wrote you a song

>I know you don’t listen to music

>but it felt weird to not a least send you a link

>bad poetry at 2:00am

The link leads Derek to a youtube video of Stiles holding a ukulele and staring with a soft smile at the camera.

“Hey guys. It’s been a while, huh? But I guess I finally found inspiration. So here we go.”

The song is beautiful, but even more beautiful than that was Stiles.

When the song reached the end Derek doesn’t hesitate to hit replay.

He listens to the song ten times before he realises he’s crying - and he knows that he’s never going to ‘get over’ Stiles because he doesn’t want to.

//

3:00 PM Laura

>have you seen the video?

<he sent me a link

<he wrote a song for me Laura

<I love him so fucking much and he wrote a song for me

>fuck

<what do I do?

>what do you want to do?

<I don’t know

>I think you should look at his twitter

<?

>I wasn’t going to say anything because you said you wanted to get over him

>but I think you need to see it

>@stilesstilinki

//

@stilesstilinski

I want to hug him

@stilesstilinski

Get you a guy that will stay up with you until 4AM talking about literally anything

@stilesstilinski

Why do I alway fall for people so far out of my league? rip me I guess.

@stilesstilinski

He makes me want to write poetry

Derek spends hours scrolling through Stiles’ twitter.

He scrolls far enough back that he gets to the part of his timeline where his twitter is littered with pictures of Lydia, which causes the ache in Derek’s chest to grow. But he can’t stop looking because Stiles looks so happy.

And Derek falls impossibly more in love.

He lets himself acknowledge for the first time that Stiles might love him back.

And everything else?

It’s worth it.

Because Stiles is worth everything to Derek.

//

2:00 AM Bad Poet

<so I looked at your twitter

>fuck.

>how much did you see?

<all of it

>tight

>please excuse me while I go die now

>bye

<don’t leave yet

<I had something I wanted to ask you

>did you want me to delete the tweets?

>I can do that

>I’ll just delete the whole account

>I am my own worst enemy so this won’t be a problem

>actually Jackson Whittemore is my worst enemy

>but I’m a close second

<stiles?

>yup?

<Will you go on a date with me?

>alkdjf

>yes?

>Ofc yes?

>are you being serious?

>because this would be a cruel prank if you’re not serious

<I’m serious

>yes.

>yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

>holy shit

>theres no fucking universe where I say ‘no’ to that question from you

>im so fucking in love with you

>is it too soon to say that?

>I don’t even care

>I’m speaking my truth

>you obviously don’t have to say it back

>im going to woo you so hard Derek

>you’ll have to love me back eventually

>I’m going to write you poetry

>hell I’ll even read poetry for you

>ill give the whole fucking moon to you

<why would I want the moon?

<im not gru?

>despicable me

>that was a despicable me reference.

>you don’t listen to music, but you watch despicable me?

>you’re such an enigma to me Derek

>god I love you so much

<stiles?

>too much?

<no

<I don’t think I could ever have too much of you

<I love you too stiles

<so much

<I just don’t want you to get your hopes up

<I might not be able to live up to it in real life

>impossible

<seriously stiles

>I am being serious

>I’m already in love with you Der

>you don’t have to do anything more than you’ve already done

>you could wear a potato sack, and spend the whole night not saying anything at all

>and I would still be in love with you

>all you have to do now is show up

<…I can do that

>perfect

//

TWO YEARS LATER

@stilesstilinski

Hey @JacksonWhittemore, remember when you told me I would die alone? Well I just got engaged to the love of my life. So checkmate fucker.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time  /  and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

[system-of-a-feather]

I have another question. I'm sorry to bother, but I don't know where else to ask. Did you ever feel like the trauma you've experienced isn't 'bad' enough to waarant DID? I know that what I went through was very traumatising to me, but others have had it easily so much worse. I feel bad for being so easily traumatised and distressed.

Oh ho ho, all the time my friend. ALL the time. To be honest, I might go as far to say I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone with DID who hasn’t felt that way around their trauma - no matter how severe and factually horrible the experience was.

Personally, back in the day I’d often go “Well I still had food and was cared for enough to be able to excel in school so it couldn’t have been that bad if I could still do good in school” or I’d parrot what a lot of toxic parents use an proof of them being “good parents” which is arguing that you had a roof over your head and food on the table or something like that which both kinda prompted me to make that reminder way back that still is getting reblogs and likes that “Just because you function doesn’t mean your don’t deserve help” or something similar like that.

You aren’t alone in feeling like it wasn’t that bad / bad enough. It is a common technique the brain does to try to avoid the reality of having DID or lessen how real the trauma feels. It is a really really really common thing to experience and almost everyone with DID that I’ve talked to on here or in real life (I’ve meet one person irl) either currently experience it frequently or used to experience it frequently.

And here is the thing, you never should feel like you need to feel guilty or bad because you are hurting. If you are hurting, there is no reason to deny yourself the ability to feel hurt by comparing it to others. It isn’t a sin to feel bad, or to feel hurt, or to be traumatized. It isn’t a sin to be in pain. If anything, it is a tragedy, its unfortunate that you feel this way. This would apply to trauma that might be “small and silly” like getting your kite stuck in a tree (which yes, in some cases for some people depending on the individuals ability to process emotions, what that kite meant to them, and the situation they were in when it happened might actually be a traumatic memory with the full context) or something huge which I won’t state because things like those don’t need to be elaborated. 

If anything, I would sit you down and say I’m sorry you feel hurt, and I’m sorry that whatever happened to you made you feel so bad, and I am sorry you are having trouble rebounding / recovering from the event. I don’t care if it was the kite in the tree or something more, I’m sorry that you are struggling and never should you feel bad for struggling. It’s a human nature thing to struggle in life, and its a valid and fair response, especially to events that have not been properly and mentally processed.

You never have to explain your trauma to someone. No one should be allowed to invalidate your trauma as trauma is not something up for debate. Trauma is a response, an unprocessed memory and a state of being wounded from an event. If you got a large cut on your leg from an event, people can’t argue if the cut was there or not. 

Trauma can happen from really anything when you consider an individuals state of being, predisposition, emotional state, attachment, and environment at the time.

Similarly, comparing trauma is a pointless game to play. Emotions are subjective and how one experiences an event is so heavily based on predispositions and ability to handle and process emotions, one’s past experiences, the connections and attachments they had going into it, and everything bottling up. Yeah on paper sure one might SOUND worse than another, but how they actually affected an individual in practice - in reality - is not something that can be judged “off of paper”.

[tw: loss of a loved one]

Rewinding to the previous example, getting your kite stuck in a tree might sound like a “stupid and silly trauma”, but say you were already in an unstable state. Perhaps you moved, lost all your friends, and your family situation was tense. The kite might have held a big importance and was something that was very important. Say your passed grandma, or your best friend you had to leave from and you used the kite as an excuse to get out of the house to relieve tension. Your kite gets stuck in the tree - gets broken and damaged and no one is there to help you out as a kid to retrieve it. 

[tw end: loss of a loved one]

You are stuck there, the thing you hold dearest broken and forever out of reach. As a kid you realize there is no one around to help you with that kite, you are alone and isolated as a kid, distressed with no support or help. Considering the environment, this whole situation, having lost all your friends, you family not being able to care for you, give you attention, or help / protect you, and being alone outside in a world as a child - it could be pretty traumatizing as the whole situation crashes upon you.

Yes, getting your kite stuck in a tree might be stupid and silly trauma, it might seem “dramatic” to be triggered by kites carrying forward, but with the context, that moment represents a build up of a lot of stressful situations on a child that when you are that young, can be extremely distressing and hard to process. 

The experience of a child at that moment compared to someone who might have it worse does not matter in the moment as much as it does taht the child feels alone, vulnerable, abandoned, scared, and frustrated to points that the child can no longer process the emotion.

Sure worse things than “getting your kite stuck in a tree” could have happened. But really, in almost every situation “worse things” could have happened. For everything experienced, there is somethign worse that someone can come up with that could have happened. Comparing experiences is an endless cycle that leads no where. What we really need to talk about is the subjective experience that an individual has and what they walked away with from it and how much support they had.

For some less experience / rambly things, if you really want to look into the subjectivity of trauma and events and how trauma affects an individual, there is a lot of material on it like the popular ACE score which outside of the ace score discusses how environmental stress can cause long term affects and how it can be mitigated by resilience and so on.

Like here is a brief cover of resilience from the American Psychological Association [x]

How children and individuals handle stressful events and grow after it is (which does relate into how children and individuals fail to handle these events and thus form trauma) a bit of a large topic in the field of Developmental Psychology and Humanistic Psychology, so I can’t really go into a whole lecture about it, but looking into the concept of resilience and the ideas of Carl Rogers / Abraham Maslow and stuff might be something that might be of interest. 

-Riku (Host)

[storiesnobodyreads]

Dreams In The Sky

Pairing: Steve Rogers x female!reader

Story: Your work requires that you fly across the country a lot, but you’re not the only one who travels often. After a long day, you nod off in an airplane seat when the plane hasn’t even taken off yet, and you wake up to meet Steve Rogers, the one and only Captain America.

A/N: so i was sitting on a plane and just sort of imaged how amazing it would be to meet captain america there. so here u go (word count = 3k)

“Alright, I’m getting on the plane now so I’m hanging up,” you informed your co-worker as you treaded up the stairs, people going on holidays in palm tree shirts drumming around you. Your co-worker had been bombarding you with last-minute questions about your recent project, which freaked you out more than anything. You’d have to present your project to a board of wealthy billionaires that might turn your dreams into reality.

“I just have one last detail—” argued your co-worker.

“I’m hanging up,” you repeated loudly, doing so as you strolled past the captain and steward smiling politely at you. “Good morning,” you greeted them, stifling a yawn. You had been working on your project for the past months, non-stop, practically eighteen hours a day. The amount of sleep you’d been getting had been shockingly low, and it was starting to get the better of you. Your friends had convinced you to at least get some hours of sleep during the flight. You knew they were right. There was nothing you could do to improve your project now and you could answer every single potential question. The best preparation that was left was to sleep.

You found your seat, relieved to find that the two seats next to you were still empty so that you could settle in ease. Thudding down by the window, you fasted your belt and plugged in your earphones. Even though you usually weren’t great at sleeping in planes, exhaustion was coming over you in waves of warm blankets. With your calm sleep music in your ears, you desperately tried to keep your eyes open to see the safety instructions, but your eyelids were so heavy.

Faster than you’d like to admit, you surrendered to the almighty power of sleep.

You woke up, feeling like it was only seconds later, with an awful pain in your neck. A little bit of drool dripped from the corner of your mouth that you became painfully aware of; and suddenly you became even more extremely aware of your position.

You were sleeping on the shoulder of the stranger next to you, fucking drooling on them.

Faster than a bee’s sting, your neck snapped up and you jolted fully awake. “I’m so sorry!” you exclaimed. Embarrassment flew through you, your cheeks instantly flushing bright red, thinking you’d rather die than have this happen—

Your eyes fell on the stranger by your side, a tall, handsome man with blonde hair and a healthy beard, with broad shoulders that looked so comfortable to fall asleep on that you temporarily stopped feeling guilt because damn, anyone could fall asleep on those shoulders. His eyes were bright blue and oozed kindly, a warm smile spreading across his face as he studied your horrified reaction.

And then you realised something worse.

Much, much worse.

This was Captain America.

“It’s okay,” said Steve Rogers softly, keeping his voice down for the sake of the other passengers.

“I’m so sorry,” you repeated, voice high-pitched. “I’m very tired and I really—shit, I’m sorry, this is super awkward—”

He chuckled and firmly shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, truly,” he said. “I really don’t mind.”

“It’s just that these past couple of months have been very hard and I haven’t slept a lot and this was the first chance I had to shut off my phone and I just fell asleep—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Captain America insisted. “I’m happy that you got an hour of sleep.”

You stared at him. Of course, you’d heard the stories about how gorgeous and breath-taking he was, and of course you’d heard the rumours about what a kind gentleman he was, but never had you thought they would be this true. “But you’re Captain America,” you stammered panicked.

He cocked up one eyebrow. “My name is Steve.” He held out his hand, waiting for you to shake it. “And you are?”

“Y/N.” You shook his hand. His hands were large and surprisingly soft. Warm.

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled. His smile was almost warmer than his hands.

“You, too.” Could he sense that you’d had a severe celebrity crush on him ever since you learned about his existence? Did he know that he was your hero and you had dreamed about meeting him one day? Did he realise that this was the worst possible way to meet a superhero?

But his eyes were sparkling brightly and he looked amused, not an ounce of negativity to be detected. He looked so happy that it brought a grin to your face. Because hey, you were sitting next to Steve Rogers.

“So why are you flying to New York?” asked Steve. You didn’t quite understand why’d he want to keep the conversation going, but then it occurred to you that he probably just didn’t want you to fall asleep on him again.

“Um, I have a presentation,” you replied sheepishly. “It’s this—um, project I’ve been working on. I’m an engineer.”

“Really?” Steve appeared interested. “That’s cool. My friend Tony is an engineer.”

You blinked. “You mean Tony Stark?”

Steve nodded with a sigh. “Yes, I mean Iron Man. I’m actually going to see him now. That’s why I’m flying to New York.” Making you feel stupid that you hadn’t countered the question as to what his business in New York was.

“Right.” You told yourself to behave. Be fucking polite, you scolded yourself internally. You have already drooled on this man. “Why are you coming from Miami?”

“I was on a holiday,” Steve told you cheerfully, immediately plucking his phone from his pocket to show you pictures. Now that he mentioned it, he was looking beautifully tanned. Steve showed a photograph with him and another man standing shirtless on the beach, both beaming like idiots, not having a care in the world. “That’s my friend Scott. We’d both never been. He stayed a week longer together with his daughter Cassie, I promised to help out Tony.”

“Looks great,” you laughed, almost taken aback by how carefree Captain America seemed. He’d always appeared as this serious, brooding character with the issues of the world at mind. A holiday to Miami must have been good for him. “Sure must’ve been a temperature difference compared to being frozen in ice.”

Immediately after saying the words, you wanted to drop through the floor of the plane and plummet to your death. “Sorr—”

But Steve was laughing. It was a good sound. “True, true.”

After that, the conversation was suddenly flowing smoothly. You managed to put your awkwardness out of the way, realising that you could impossibly get yourself in a worse situation than you already had. When the stewards came to bring you food and drinks, you sipped coffee together and shared what you and he didn’t like. It was amazing that you found so much to talk about together. When the food was gone, you unanimously decided to start binging Friends. Unfortunately, your small television screen malfunctioned and even though Steve mocked you for being a so-called engineer, you couldn’t get the screen to work again. You called him popsicle as a curse word and he laughed so loudly that he received vicious glares from other passengers.

Steve then offered to share headphones and look at his screen together. It was cute, even you could see that. However, the screen was rather hard to see with the sunlight reflecting in an unlucky way. You had to dangle your neck in an unnatural angle, aching your muscles.

Steve immediately noted your discomfort. “Oh, you can put your head on my shoulder, if you want,” he suggested softly.

“What?” you glared at him, feeling your cheeks heat up.

“You already slept on me for an hour,” Steve elaborated quickly. “I’m sure this won’t be any weirder.”

You felt urged to decline, but then moved your head and felt the pain in your neck, and told yourself that it indeed wasn’t that bad. Therefore, you nodded. “Okay.” You placed your head carefully on his shoulder, hoping to decrease the weight of your heavy skull.

You could feel Steve roll his eyes. “Lie down already,” he insisted with a chuckle, wriggling out his arm to wrap his arm around you, pulling you closer.

Fuck, he was comfortable. Like a warm pillow and blanket embracing you in one, holding you in a protecting shield where no negative emotion could be experienced. You felt one hundred percent at ease in Steve Roger’s arms. And for the first time those months, you didn’t worry endlessly about your project and the presentation.

*****

The only reason you woke up was because the plane had landed. Steve was softly shaking you awake. “Y/N, we’re here,” he whispered in your ear.

Really? Again??

“I’m sorry,” you apologised quickly, shooting upright.

Steve shook his head. “I thought we covered this. I don’t mind you sleeping on me.” His own words made him laugh. “You look cute when you’re asleep.”

His words flustered you. “Well, you look cute when you’re awake,” you countered.

He grinned. “Thanks, doll.”

Suddenly, your eyes widened. “My presentation.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Yes?”

“My presentation is in an hour,” you remembered, since the times had been drilled into your brain. Stress that had abandoned you during the flight now came crashing back in. “I still have to prepare and change my outfit and make sure my presentation can be attached to the big screens and I don’t know if--” you were rambling as you were gathering your stuff.

You were already standing, and Steve immediately jumped up to match your height, or, better said, towering over you. You couldn’t get passed him just yet, even though panic was racing through you and you wanted to get to your presentation as fast as possible.

Steve noticed the flares of panic in your eyes. “It’s going to be okay,” he promised.

“How do you know?” you squeaked.

“Because you are incredibly intelligent,” he answered without hesitation. “Every word you say oozes cleverness. You speak so easily, so confidently. And it doesn’t hurt that your first impression is great. You look like someone who’s loyal, who can be trusted, and who will work hard. The board will love you and everything you say will be listened to.”

You stared at Captain America, who was holding a patriotic speech for your sake, and you could feel your heart swell. “Thank you,” you breathed out. You didn’t know whether he knew that this was exactly what you needed to hear to give yourself a confidence boost.

He stepped out of the aisle to let you pass. “You got this, doll.”

“Thanks, Steve,” you smiled. In a burst of adrenalin, you lunged forward to give him a hug, your bag clumsily banging into the chairs. “I got this.”

“You got this!” Steve called after you as you made your way to the presentation.

*****

Steve was bummed. He’d met the cutest girl. He’d spotted her sleeping against the window, knowing that his seat was by her side, sitting down by the girl that embodied cuteness, and didn’t protest when her unconscious self snuggled up to him. And awake, she was even cuter. Mind-blowing smart. And funny. And beautiful.

But when they’d landed, she’d remembered the reason why she’d been tired in the first place, and had gotten stressed and ran away from him. He hadn’t even asked for your number. No way to get into contact with you again.

Miserable, even though he’d been so cheerful after returning from his week-long holiday with Ant-man in Miami, he shrugged into his leather jacket and called a cab. Tony had offered to send a limo to drive him, but Steve had kindly refused. That’s how he ended up sitting sulking in the back of a cab while being forced to listen to high-volume rap music thinking about a girl he’d sat beside for only a couple of hours.

Of course, Sam and Bucky were there standing out on the porch in front of the Stark Tower, anticipating Steve’s return.

“Look at you, all tanned!” Bucky exclaimed once Steve had paid the driver and fetched his suitcase from the trunk. “Wearing a shirt with goddamn palm trees!”

Sam clapped his friend on the back. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’ve never been frozen in the ice for seventy years, that’s how fresh you look.”

“All right, all right, that’s enough,” Steve laughed. “I take it you guys have missed me.”

Bucky shrugged, waving his metal hand dismissively. “It’s not you, I just don’t want to be left alone with this asshole for a week.”

Sam proceeded to punch Bucky against his flesh shoulder. “Next time we’ll absolutely come with you, man,” said Sam. “Must’ve been lots of pretty girls out there in Miami. Scott probably wasn’t fun to party with, though.”

“We didn’t party much, no,” Steve agreed. As the three men sauntered toward the building, Steve decided to confide in his friends. “There was this one girl I met on the plane, though. Her name’s Y/N.”

“Oh, Y/N, huh?” Bucky whooped. “That’s a pretty name.”

“Nice, man!” Sam smirked. “Get her number?”

Steve dropped his shoulders. “No... She had to hurry for a presentation and left before I could ask.”

“Oh, no,” Bucky and Sam said simultaneously.

“Yeah,” Steve breathed in sharply. “It was so weird, we really had this connection, you know. I hope I see her again someday.”

Bucky and Sam exchanged a look, clearly expressing how Steve was a ridiculous hopeless romantic. By then, the three men had arrived in the hallway of the Stark Tower. Steve dropped his suitcase and opened his mouth to continue talking about you, when Tony came sprinting down the stairs. Tony, in full suit, sweat trickling down his forehead as he jumped the final steps, pointed at the three men.

“You’re not wearing the suits I had prepared for you!” Tony exclaimed.

Bucky spoke up, “Steve just got back, Tony, and we--”

“No time for excuses,” Tony interrupted the Winter Soldier, wiping sweat away with the back of his hand. “I had the time wrong and we have to be at the hotel in ten minutes. So chop chop, mother--”

Steve’s reaction was fast, knowing Tony would only get more stressed by the second, “If we don’t have to change outfits, we’ll come with you right now.”

Tony’s face lit up. “Great! Good to have you back, Rogers. Missed your face this week. Tell me all about Miami after the presentations from the wannabe world-changers.” Tony gestured for Steve to leave his suitcase for was it was and then ushered the three men back out the building. “Let’s go!”

*****

Steve was still sulking about the lost love of his life and Bucky, Sam and Tony continued to make fun of him for it. “If it’s really faith like you claim it is, you will find her back,” Bucky suddenly promised him seriously as Tony parked the car in front of an ancient-looking hotel.

“Absolutely, Steve,” Sam agreed, “You’re our golden boy. Luck is not the biggest part of your life so maybe you’ve always had bad luck so that you could be lucky this one time so that you could get lucky this one time--” he nudged Bucky in the ribs, winking exaggeratedly, “--if you know what I mean?”

The men jumped out of the car and ran through security. Amusing that the security guards didn’t even dare ask for identification when Iron Man, Captain America, the Winter Soldier and the Falcon came jogging past. “Happy!” Tony yelled, spotting the man impatiently waiting for them to arrive. “Where do we go?”

Happy Hogan screamed back: “Upstairs and to the left!”

The four men sprinted up the stairs and soon got pointed to their assigned seats. Tony had a special position at the front row, as he was one of the main investors for these young people presenting their research ideas. Steve, Bucky and Sam sat somewhere in the back, purely present to amuse Tony and give advise when necessary.

“We’re really just here to tell the rich folks what we think is cool,” Sam whispered. “Like, which stupid ideas they should give money to. Turning their little dreams into reality.”

“Pretty sure they have better ideas than you,” Bucky butted in.

Sam scoffed, “Don’t think so, you don’t know my brain.”

Steve had his eyes on the stage, where a young man was adjusting his glasses as his sweaty hands trembled holding his little paper with notes. He looked incredibly nervous, reminding Steve of how nerve-wrecked Y/N had been on the plane before for her presentation. If only he could see her again and tell her everything was going to be okay.

The man’s presentation finished in what seemed like a very long hour. Tony asked a couple of questions that the man didn’t have an answer to, after which the jury dismissed him. Several presenters followed, some more interesting than the others, some more capable of answering questions from the audience than others. It took two hours already and the men were starting to grow tired.

At some point Bucky had determinedly set his metal arm on the armrest of Sam’s chair. “Will you move your arm, Barnes?” Sam had hissed.

“No,” Bucky had chimed, after which the two men had bickered back and forth for quite a while. Steve still had his eyes on the stage. An inexplicable glimmer of hope was burning in his chest and he simply couldn’t look away.

The next woman stepped onto the stage and she took Steve’s breath away. The blinding sparkle in her eyes, the way that stunning dress hugged the curves of her body, how confident she took her position behind the microphone and smiled over the audience. Confident as hell, ready to conquer the world.

Steve’s jaw dropped. It was the girl from the plane.

She took a deep breath. And spoke.

Steve’s jaw, if possible, dropped even further. Because goddamn, she was killing it. Her ideas were absolutely brilliant. At some point during her presentation, Tony turned around and mouthed, while pointing at her, “She’s great!”

Steve was nodding vigorously. “Hell yeah, she is.”

Y/N’s eyes, while slamming the last lines of her speech, convincing basically everyone in the building to throw all their money at her project, darted up to the balcony where Tony Stark was seated. Steve tried to make himself small, noting that she was looking in his direction, because he had no intention to distract her. However, as soon as Y/N glanced up, her gaze fell upon the Captain, and her jaw dropped.

Steve, in an awkward automatic gesture, gave her a thumbs-up.

Tony asked a question. She swallowed with difficulty and replied smoothly, thank the lord. Tony nodded, as if she’d said exactly what he’d wanted to hear. “Alright, folks, that was it. We’ll be discussing amongst ourselves now, and if we’re interested, we’ll find you. Good job, everyone.”

Applause erupted from the audience and Y/N did a quick bow before rushing off stage.

Tony was swirling around to his friends, saying, “Well, what do you guys think? I’d say the last one was the--”

Steve jumped up. “Sorry, Tony. I have to go.”

*****

Jesus fucking christ, you were cursing in your head, was this for real? Had you just spotted Steve Rogers sitting behind Tony Stark, a man you were trying so hard to impress intellectually and a man you had developed a bizarrely huge crush on over the past few hours. You had been afraid you’d never see him again, and here he was, watching the most important presentation of your life, and judging you for it. What would he say to Tony Stark about you? Would he even recognise you from the plane?

Your mind clouded with more worries than you already had, doubts about your presentation blinding you as you stumbled through the crowd trying to find your seat. All the other presenters were chatting amongst themselves, visibly nervous, same as you. Except you had the pressure of knowing Steve Rogers resting upon your shoulders. What if Steve had told Tony about how tired and a little baby you had been?

“Y/N!” you heard your name. A voice you’d know anywhere.

You spun around, and suddenly all the nerves vanished like snow in the sun. “Steve!”

The man came jogging over in all his glory, still in the same palm tree shirt that he’d worn on the plane. A wide smile was plastered on his pretty face, and before you knew what he was doing, he was wrapping you in a large hug. “You did so great! I’m so happy to see you! I didn’t know you were presenting here! You were amazing!”

The compliments flew off his tongue so easily it made you blush, and you slung your arms around his neck. He was so buff and warm and, well, thicc, and it felt amazing to hug him. To seriously hold Captain America in your arms. “Thank you! Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

Steve then let you go, making your body scream at the loss of warmth. “Me either,” he confessed, unable to quit smiling. “I’m so happy we found each other again. Must’ve been faith.”

You nodded, “It must’ve been.”

From the corner of his eye, Steve could spot Tony and Happy strolling toward you, as well as several other investors that were eying you with interest, and he knew that he wasn’t going to hold your presence for long. You had business to attend to. A strong, independent woman, and with realising that his heart swelled. “Y/N, I really want to see you again. We can’t keep leaving it up to faith, you know. She might grow tired of us.”

You were nodding so heavily you feared your neck might snap. “Absolutely,” you agreed. “We can’t lose each other again. How big are the odds we’ll run in to each other in this world?”

“So small,” Steve confirmed, holding his fingers a hair apart. “So, would you, um, can I maybe have your number?”

A wild wave of enthusiasm and disbelief overwhelmed you. Who’d known that by dreaming in the sky your actual dreams might come true by falling asleep on Captain America? “Yes! Yes, of course.” You accepted his phone and put in your number. “Maybe we could--” you started.

You were interrupted by Tony Stark tapping on your shoulder. “Miss Y/L/N, I’d like to talk to--Steve?” Tony Stark seemed surprised to find his friend talking to you. Seeing Steve’s expression, he connected the dots. “OH! This is--oh. Wow. Well, Steve, I didn’t know you had such good taste in women. I can leave you guys alone for a minute--”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Steve stopped him quickly. He’d noted the other investors approaching and wanted nothing more than for you to work together with the best of the best, Stark Industries and Tony himself. “You do you. Y/N, I’ll call you.”

Your smile was so wide your cheeks started hurting. This must be the best day of your life. “Please do, popsicle.”

Tony Stark erupted in laughter. “Oh, god, you two are made for each other. Now get out of here, popsicle, we have business to attend to.”

*****

@patzammit​ // @bookgirlunicorn​ // @buckybarneshairpullingkink​ // @followyourbucky​ // @supernatural-strangerthings-1980​ // @gaybroadwayloser​ // @fuckthatfeeling​ // @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ // @daughterofthenight117​

[comicteaparty]

May 16th-May 22nd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 16th, 2020 to May 22nd, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What are you trying to show or tell with your story that you find to be underrepresented?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

-Mind control/mind reading where both people are okay with it. I like themes of trust -"Superpowers" without secret identities. Because researchers aren't always evil goddamnit! -Portraying people who hurt others not as card-carrying megalomaniac villains but as pitiful and broken people. I haven't gotten to this part of my story yet but I hope I can do it well when I do. -Queer characters but they never say that they are or talk about it in any way. Yes I know I'm probably the only one who wants this

Also, maybe the idea that you don't need to "do anything" with your life for it to be worthwhile? But I'm not sure that I believe this myself

Deo101 [Millennium]

Mostly I'm trying to write about love, and I hardly think that's underrepresented! But, I'm also trying to show a bit of my own personal disabled experience, and I find that the kinds of things I've experienced are hardly represented at all. so, I think I'm trying to show a sort of hope and positivity for things that I think are usually pitied and viewed negatively, which I wish were done more.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I just wanted a good ol' classic Eddings-style fantasy romp, but with characters that would usually be cast in the "evil" role, without going the "misunderstood" route.

Plus I wanted to write about shitty family (born, found and married) and that you do NOT have to forgive them in the slightest to move on and better your life.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Hmm... One of the main things I want to express with Whispers of the Past is that after past traumas, you may not be the same, but eventually, you can be okay again—even if your "okay" of now, is very different than your "okay" of the past. Normalcy isn't a constant. It shifts with time and becomes something new. A new stasis. A new peace. A new normal. I don't know if I've ever seen another story show this in this way. Another underrepresented theme in WotP is that of the hero choosing mundanity over the amazing. When the quest is over, and all is said and done, and the big baddie has been vanquished, the hero doesn't become ruler, or claim bountiful riches, or sail across the sea to find new lands. No, the hero returns to a world that is familiar and unremarkable. The hero would rather just be an average person.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

-Fanfiction. I’m very surprised there hasn’t been a webcomic talking about what it’s like to create fanfiction! But overall the culture involved around it and being a creator. -The relationship and hardships of having a stepparent/being one. Particularly stepdad/stepdaughter relationships -Anger as a reaction to trauma. I see a lot of trauma portrayed as mostly sad, but I want a story where the heroes feel anger, where it’s seen as both a motivator and a detriment -The hardships of dating as someone who’s both touch aversive and on the grey spectrum. Not everyone would be as wonderful or understanding, but it’s important to be around people who are and will stand by you.(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

This is why I gravitate towards all these stories made by independent creators I think. So many personal and poignant messages. I’m with you there on the queer characters Eightfish. I want a society where it’s fine to be what you wish and respected to be who you want to be. I think having more positive ways of showing how we can reach that sort of openness can be helpful. In AWT I further explore: - characters in STEM fields and approaches to research design - informed consent and what that means - how to live even when things are falling apart around you, when things are falling apart within you - navigating through crushes, confessions and friendships!

Wow the beginning sounds like the objectives at a science lecture and you won’t be wrong thinking so

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

For my Hybrid Dolls comic, there are several things I want to explore: - Psychological trauma and the effects or damage it can give, without proper treatment. -Writing queer characters without them needing a self discovery episode. But I know some identities are better to be upfront? But in the story, they simply live normal or exciting lives - Narcissism in a relative that one doesn't have to forgive. Being treated as invisible or judged by age, birthright. - Other Concepts of love explored. Attraction that isn't conventional romance. - Friendship bonds between girls, and my own take on an eccentric quirky girl lead. - Being unapologetically feminine, girls who doesn't need to feel like being 'one of the guys' I'm aiming for more character variety in historical fiction, instead of yet another story of a girl 'defying gender norms' by raised as a boy/disguises trope in other similar comics. So the women in my story, use their wits and charm.(edited)

DanitheCarutor

I complain about this all the time, so I'm just going to do a quick overview since I'm sure everyone is sick of it. - Abusers can be smart, popular, generous, charismatic and subtle. I'm kind of sick of them always being portrayed as really obvious, and sometimes really stupid, while there are people like that it's not very practical for them all to be like that. - General mental health stuff. More open representation of it, that it may be something you'll live with for the rest of your life and how that's okay. - Trauma, how it can change you, make you lose sight of the person you were and make you lose interest in things you used to enjoy. (this is coupled with mental health) - Non-romantic relationships with a queer cast. While this is showing up more in fantastical indie works, not very common in slice-of-life type of comics. I can only imagine this is because readers would find it boring or too mundane (can't tell you all how many people tell me my comic is boring. Lol), but being a person totally sick of romance in everything I wanted to do something focusing on family, friendship and the relationships we have with ourselves. - You don't always heal completely. I've already mentioned this, but I want to put a focus on how someone who's been through a lot of shit doesn't alway heal completely, and that's okay. I see in a lot of media where people just overcome their issues, and they live happily ever after with everything all perfect, I want something along the lines of "we still got a long way to go, but we're doing better and we're happier than before". - Not having labels for everything. This sounds like hipster trash, but I don't see the point in putting labels for every character. Like, I put labels for them, mostly during Pride, but it feels pointless in the comic. Apollo is happy to say he's a gay man, but with Julian they're not interested in categorising themselves, all they want is to be comfortable and I don't see nothing wrong with that.(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

For me, it’s the importance of communication and empathy, and the dangers of its absence. And it’s something I’ve had to think about a lot recently, being more active on social media Everyone’s got their reasons/methods for cutting people off, but I’ve never been a huge fan of a point-blank communication cut unless it’s absolutely warranted. And I’m not a fan of instant demonization when someone messes up or does something I don’t agree with. People are people. We’re all different and we all mess up and we all can change. Keeping lines of communication open is essential for allowing that change, or else we all get locked into little echo chambers where anyone outside is automatically The Worst.™ In a world where everything has gone to hell - and may go further yet - how can things heal when no one is even listening to each other? Where the other side is automatically at fault no matter what? It’s something I grew up struggling to understand (maybe because I grew up outside Washington DC, lol), and really affects me to this day. And if you do end up protecting yourself with silence, how can you still allow other perspectives to be gleaned? I don’t quite have the perfect formula for it. But unless someone is genuinely trying to cause harm, I try to at least attempt to understand where they might coming from - whether I accept it or not. Otherwise it’s so easy to see a lot of people as monsters. It’s a complicated topic for sure, especially nowadays. But yeah. Something like that

Miranda

Hmm that’s an excellent question. Well, a big thing is the varying effects of trauma and ways to handle it. Mainly how burying the past and ignoring traumatic events can affect someone. Also that villains can be people we relate to that just take an extreme way of reaching a goal that most people can understand And how shared experiences can bring people closer (not a unique one) I also want to portray queer characters that are not solely defined by their queerness and don’t have to announce it to everyone.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

- Having some talks about the implications of asking what you wish for and the potential consequences that comes with it. - Having more unappologic Vietnamese things happening in the comic. Giving representation to some common things that most Vietnamese Americans (or Asian Americans) can face in terms of relationships, roles, etc. Also since er i'm also directly affected by this, how does the Mixed-Asian Identity plays about it too.(edited)

hmmm I think another thing is that I want to bring up that men who express themselves in a more feminine form is valid and there's no shame that comes with it (positive masculinity hell yaaaa). Also same about expressing characters who are also queer but aren't defined about it either. it's just what they are along with their other interests and goals.(edited)

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

wow, this is a great question! I'm trying to be better about interacting here so I'll give it a shot. My comic is a historical fantasy set somewhat in Interwar Europe/WWII Europe and partially in a fantasy world based on the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. -War stories/histories that aren't about the actual experience of combat: most memoirs and diaries of soldiers I read doing research are about the day-to-day activities, meals, sleeping habits, and random thoughts instead of fight descriptions. It really bothers me when people zero in on in-depth battle maps and obsess over what kind of rifle was used by whom when, when I think it's much more interesting and important to look at the mindset of who was fighting, why they were fighting, and what emotional effect it had on everyone involved (including civilians!) -Asexuality, especially asexuality in history, bc it tends to "disappear" in the historical record as people who may have been ace before that label was widely used tend to not self-identify as it. I'm ace, people in the past were ace, it's a history I'd like to talk about more! -gryphons, they're cool monsters and I think they should be used much more than they are haha

eliushi [a winged tale]

I agree sierrabravo. I find it’s the personal, down to earth, close perspective accounts in historical records that resonate the most with me. Gryphons are also awesome!

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I feel like there's two separate answers for Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R (http://sgkdr.webcomic.ws/comics/) The first is what SGKDR represents compared to other webcomics. To me, a major thing I wanted to show with Super Galaxy Knights was a new style of creating webcomics. Animation is underrepresented as a storytelling style, sure, but the main thing I thought was underrepresented in the webcomic space was a "seasonal" method of storytelling. Like, most webcomics I see are either "each page is its own thing" or "it's one big long story, with chapters mostly there to split up different scenes/locations". I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict. The second is what SGKDR represents compared to other action series (specifically shonen manga/anime, as that's what SGKDR riffs off of the most). I can only think of one shonen story with a female lead, I can't think of any with an explicitly LGBTQ+ protagonist (i only know of one implied one), romance is usually handled very poorly (characters usually get paired with the protagonist due to being female and in the same room, with very little actual relationship building), there aren't many varieties of character motivations besides "pursuit of power/status" of some kind, power scaling usually gets way out of whack, and I... I dunno, I love those kinds of stories, but it just gets tiring after a while. So, I wrote my own that had all the things I wanted in it.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) I totally agree with the difficulty and importance of talking about ace representation in a historical setting! It's extremely difficult to talk about when asexuality was so unknown at the time. I'm eager to see how you handle it!

eliushi [a winged tale]

@snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) can you speak about

I very rarely see webcomics build to a major climax in the story, then a resolution, then introduce a brand new conflict.

I find slice of life/ some really long mangas with continuous streams of antagonists/web novel like formats use this too but unsure if that’s what you were referring to?

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah that format is the sort of thing I was talking about. It's out there, but I don't see it very often.

eliushi [a winged tale]

Ah gotcha! Thanks! I recall some slice of life high school ones I’ve read years ago that have that sort of narrative structure (which feels like the story can continue forever).

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

There's a recurring trope in SF/F where the robot/AI/golem learns that it wants to have free will and make its own decisions. Or there's a biological species that are assumed to be "natural servants", and inevitably you get to the reveal that they're not actually any different from humans in terms of wanting self-determination and independence. If you think of this as a metaphor for relationships between different groups of humans, then yeah, that's the obvious outcome! But one of the great things about SFF is that you can write things that aren't just "direct metaphors for real-world issues, with spaceships and dragons thrown in for flavor." So in But I'm A Cat Person, I wanted to write something about, what if there's a group of beings who really aren't going to develop free will or self-determination? What's the reasonable, ethical way to deal with that? ...also: there's a ton of nonbinary characters in webcomics these days, but at least I can say BICP did it before it was cool.(edited)

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Leif & Thorn, meanwhile, has a regular old "character forced into servitude, who definitely has independent thoughts and desires that are being controlled" situation. And there's no "Master has given Dobby a sock" loophole they can exploit for a quick fix, so they have to keep up a long-term process of double-talk and rule-bending, to communicate Leif's actual feelings without getting him in trouble. The "realistic language barriers with no convenient universal-translator to get around them" situation -- which, in this comic, is one of the biggest Underrepresented Things I wanted to explore -- makes it that much harder...

Capitania do Azar

I gotta commend you on that, @Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) because you're out there serving my bilingual needs

kayotics

Ingress Adventuring Company is all about the hero after they've finished saving the world, which I think is pretty underrepresented. It's not a quiet contemplative story, since there's still a lot of fun questing stuff going on, but I'm trying to make it clear that this all takes place after the main character has done his big saving the world quest and is still trying to figure out his place after supposedly settling down.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I love that Kay

Toivo feels like he has so much history behind him

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I'm trying to represent orthodox/religious jews because I almost never see my community represented in media. There are orthodox Jewish characters that will be appearing in Joe is dead. In future comics I want to try to plan the story more around including more religious Jewish characters because there still aren't that many in my current project

Also mental illnesses, like trauma and intellectual disability I want to represent my own experiences with it

There isn't as much of a distinct lack of that in media but it's good to have in stories(edited)

Also androgynous lesbians

Nutty (Court of Roses)

With Court of Roses, I'm trying to tell a fantasy story that's for older audiences but proving that Mature Fantasy doesn't have to be ultra gritty. People have each other to depend on, the world isn't bleak, and not every noble is greedy, peasant is starving, etc. I know a lot of fantasy likes to take from realistic Medieval Europe, but the freeing part about making my own world is that it doesn't HAVE to be like that. Their religion is different, more accepting, and again, people are more focused on looking out for each other and having a good time.

Mature themes are still present, such as murder, banditry/pillaging, alcohol, traumatic experiences, etc. but my goal isn't to present them in a darker fashion.(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I wanted to make something influenced by my culture (Korean) without heavily drawing from the mythology. Mythology is just one facet of a culture, yet a lot of people who haven't read it expect HoK to be all about Korean mythology just because it wears a metaphorical hanbok. No. It reflects the traditional aesthetics, but more importantly, the cultural values and the unspoken rules of the society, regardless of whether I agree with them or not. Related to that is body language. I don't want my non-American characters using American body language, such as shrugging, or American ways of using eye contact, etc. I want to show them using (mostly) Korean gestures, sitting, standing and walking like Koreans. I always feel like there's a huge missed opportunity when friggin' aliens use American body language in sci-fi! I understand why people do that -- it makes the work more clear/accessible to English-speaking audience. But in HoK I'm taking the other path. It's a challenge for sure, but I would not have it any other way.

On a more thematic level, I really wanted to explore deeply hurtful experiences that happen in genuinely caring relationships. It's not about good guys vs bad guys, it's not about a nice person being hurt by someone who just doesn't care. Those stories certainly are valid, just not what I wanted to do with HoK. This story is about people who love each other, but don't always know how to communicate their love or needs.

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

I am also looking forward to more ace representation in the webcomic world

@eliushi [a winged tale] I agree, the ace rep is a challenge I would like to take on, I'm also curious how it will work in historical times? Even tho I'm ace,I'm still learning new innovative things(edited)

eliushi [a winged tale]

It’ll be important to dig deeper and research into what things were like if you want to capture the authenticity of the period you’re writing in! I’m sure there are personal accounts or documentation of these lived experiences.

Capitania do Azar

I see all these beautiful answers and I almost struggle to find something other than those to say I guess for O Sarilho https://www.sarilho.net/en/ I wanted to write a weird love letter to where I live and how I see my country (tho I'm glad I got other places I love in it too). To my knowledge, we don't get much like that, or at least that's not from a city perspective which is not what I'm trying to go for, at all. There's a lot of tiny cultural things that I want to touch that may be invisible for people who are not from here, but I'm glad that I'm including them for those three readers in the back. Linked to this, in a way, is the fact that I get really tired of those white/gray Sci-fi stories where everything is super clean and super white and technology is absolutely overwhelming and organised. I want Sci-fis in the woods too. And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

TL;DR I WANTED TO PAINT MY HOUSE

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

And finally, there's something about the way violence is portrayed a lot of times that almost makes you feel like human life just is that cheap. I really don't want to go that road, I'm doing my best to tell a story about war in which death still leaves a toll and violence affects everyone involved

@Capitania do Azar This is so beautiful (and tragic). This is something I also hope to express in my work. Super underrepresented message surprisingly.

eliushi [a winged tale]

I enjoy exploring sci-fi beyond the current conventions and absolutely love your setting shizamura!(edited)

Capitania do Azar

Thank u I really love Sci-fi but I don't appreciate that it has become associated with a very specific aesthetic because tbh I find it very limiting

DanitheCarutor

@Capitania do Azar That is actually really refreshing! Horror and action are so packed with glamorized death and violence, you can get really desensitized. The only stories I've ever seen that take those things seriously are war movies based on real life events, like Saving Private Ryan, (which my grandpa, a Korean War vet, said was the most accurate portrayal of what war was like.) and even then you get flicks that totally glamorize the whole thing. I really admire you wanting to put that sense of gravity onto the violence and death in your work, also I love when creators want to tackle war in all it's "too close to home", upsetting realism.

Capitania do Azar

I really love Saving Private Ryan, it is a very nice portrayal with a great message: nobody wants to be here

DanitheCarutor

Yes! I love Saving Private Ryan too, it was nice seeing a movie that didn't make war look like some fantastical bs.

[thefloatingstone]

Hello, i'm sorry for bothering but could you please elaborate on that post where you talked about being nostalgic for Scandinavia? It had me a bit curious, like, why here of all places? To me it's probably a very mundane place since i live in here, so i have a hard time imagining it being interesting to anyone else. (Got to admit it's a bit flattering though, especially when my country is mentioned.)

Many reasons I think. Now as I said, I’ve never actually been there so my knowledge is probably extremely superficial and I apologise for that. But really like...

1: The kind of nature you guys have.

I live in South Africa, and although it is very varied in what its wilderness looks like, going from Lion King looking savannah to bright green mountains to windswept white beaches to tropical banana growing regions... the one thing it does NOT have is forests. At all. The biggest tree I’ve ever seen growing here is like 3 storeys tall at most. I was visiting Northern California last year and got to see Redwoods for the very first time and actually got to see what a forest environment looks like, and I was obscenely jealous that people could really LIVE in places like that. I also studied in Vancouver for 2 years and in the summer we would often go hiking in a local nature reserve. My country is just too dry to support plants of that size.

It’s more than just the trees themselves though. It’s the other wildlife among it as well. Just the general plants I’ve seen in photos and films. It looks so lush and alive.

But it’s also the landscape itself.

We just.... don’t have things like this.

2: The history and folklore.

My knowledge here is extremely lacking, I admit, but Scananavia as a whole, as in ALL the countries that are considered “Scandanavian” by the very virtue that its people have been living there for a very long time, just has a history and folklore and a mythos. And this may sound like some weird fairy tale thing which might be unfair but like... please understand. South Africa was established by the Dutch as a trading port and its Afrikaans population is largely made up of either Dutch settlers or French refugees who had the French taught out of them in schools in favour of Dutch (long story). South Africa as a country does not have a “folklore” or a “history” as any single Scandinavian country would. We have a history dating back many hundreds of years, but that’s exactly what it is, a history of a few hundred years. Mainly of fleeing refugees or Dutch settlers or British Colonialism. And although I have the deepest sympathy for my ancestors fleeing French religious oppression as well as more recent grandfathers and grandmothers suffering famine and concentration camps, the history is all tied up in what my ancestors could bring here from their home countries, or what they had to struggle against to survive once they got here. And there’s not much beyond that.

As for Folklore... we don’t have any of our own. We have what out ancestors brought from Europe, but its become eroded by time it feels like, becoming the generic Aesops fables and Grimm’s fairy tales with nothing of its own to set it apart.

We have native African folklore, But... how can I explain... as a descendant of Europeans, African folklore does not feel like it “belongs” to you, you know? It’s not “your” folklore. And there’s an acute feeling of “your” folklore and history lying “somewhere else”. Granted for me personally it would be France, the Netherlands and Scotland, mostly, rather than anything Scandinavian, but with no folklore at all, you feel almost like you could look at all folklore and traditions and gravitate to those that speak to you personally. In my case I simply like what I’ve been able to find regarding Scandinavian folklore and such. It’s difficult to find more of it out here, but what scarps I’ve been able to find have fascinated me, and I want to learn more of it.

3: The temperament of the people

As I said, my understanding is very superficial and perhaps if I were to one day visit I’d find it the complete opposite, but from what I’ve seen, the Scandinavian people just seem to be more in-line with how I’d enjoy a social structure operate. People it seems leave each other alone. What I mean is regular on-the-street people will not push themselves into your personal space just because you dared to step outside your home. And as a result, people actually do stuff outside their homes. The outside environment is just as much a place you can spend time as inside you own home. Without the threat of violence, or being approach by strangers and harassed, or having strangers in your space and demanding your attention. I dunno. Like I said I may be completely off with this one simply because I haven’t experienced it, but I just get the impression people are not so likely to feel that because you’ve left your house you are obligated to interact with every person you meet.

But also, much like the Netherlands, there’s a weird familiarity there for me as well. I need to actually start learning it, but I’ve been told many of the languages, especially Danish, is very close to my own home language. On top of this, there are small traditional things I’ve seen in documentaries and interviews and such which I can just recognise as being familiar to me. And again... this is difficult to explain but it’s also the feeling that that culture is not only IN countries like Finland, Sweden, Denmark, Norway etc, but that that culture is FROM those countries. It’s hard to explain, but there’s a large over-hanging sense here, and its been here for almost as long as I can remember, that my culture doesn’t ‘belong’ in my own country. It’s something imported long ago and has become its own thing, so it HAS no other place of its own, but it’s not FROM here, either. It’s a culture from somewhere else, and as time marches forward, it seems South Africa as a country does not want it around any more either. South Africa wants to be African, and who can blame it for that? But I don’t know where that leaves me.

At the same time though, my culture is also in many ways something I don’t relate to either. it’s too traditional in many ways, in a bad way. extremely religious. Extremely locked in what it believes Gender roles should be. Extremely forged in racism. Extremely ‘farmers of a harsh environment’.

This is kinda getting away from me, but again its difficult to explain. I guess it’s a feeling of ‘if the only place you belong doesn’t want you, you might as well focus on any place you feel drawn to emotionally’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4: Completely superficial ‘it just looks nice’ reasons.

All the traditional outfits and festivals are always attractive to me.

The food is really attractive to me.

The houses are attractive to me.

The cities are attractive to me

The rural towns are attractive looking to me

etc etc

5: the thing everybody will mention like healthcare, education etc etc etc.

and 6:

Almost all Afrikaans South Africans look at other countries to escape to if we could. Most go to Australia, but I have not found it was somewhere I felt at home at when I visited it. There was just something about it that made it feel uncomfortable to me. Some people look at England, and although England is great, I dunno... I like England fine. Maybe it’s just not as ~*exotic*~ in my mind or something stupid like that. As I said, my experience is rather limited. So maybe the very reason I’ve never been to any of the Scandinavian countries is exactly why they’re more attractive or something :/. Some Afrikaans people go to the Netherlands. Honestly I’d be more than happy to live there too.

The problem is... you can’t really get away from South Africa either. Not unless you have a lot of money or already have family somewhere else or your family hasn’t lived here that long which means you can get an ancestral passport. Or you have some sort of trade job that could make you useful (plumbing, engineer, mechanic, etc etc) None of these things apply to me. I barely make any money, my family’s been here for hundreds of years, our only other family live in Australia, and I’m an animator and my moms a poet, both of which are artist’s jobs, and other countries have their own artists. They have no interest in others.

So I guess it boils down to “if its anywhere but here; why not imagine living somewhere pretty, safe, and stable?”

Anyway... I’m sorry if none of that makes sense.

I’m aware its just a fantasy and doesn’t actually reflect reality at all in any way. but that’s the best answer I can give.

Maybe on some level tho, I just wanna run away from myself in a way too >__> not realising no matter where you live, you’re still there with you.

[nicskoyoga]

That girl needs therapy...

I’m excited to embark on a new journey, with a therapist I’m expecting to spend quite a lot of time with. Because I really want to? I guess so, yeah. Sick to death of experiencing my own let-downs. :(

Who cares? No-one REALLY 

... not enough to get up off their arse and find out exactly what needs to be done. 

Only those who’ve had to walk the path themselves can empathize completely. And actually I don’t know if I know anyone who has been through it all, and would be available to hold my hand. Why? Cos that’s not their vocation, and they’re not my mother, lover or dearest friend. 

Gratitude without showing it

So completely grateful for the advice I’ve been given though....

Don’t get me wrong. It’s just so difficult to take advice though isn’t it? 

Some people just learn in different ways. Some of us have to have our hand held, and...

Why? Because we’re a different kind of addict to our problems. 

We’re the kind that hasn’t got the get-go to behold true deep reliable faith in ourselves. We gotta see it, have it agreed, and confirmed 1million times over, cos...

We’re too damn stuck to be able unspell ourselves from our own stupid miseries.

Heck I’m still I’m happy I’m me though!!! Wouldn’t wanna be the lot of ya, ha ha ha ha. 

That’s probably my worst personality trait failing showing bright and true as it is there for ya for free, go on, hate on me. But ... I do believe I think I’m better, and yet I know I’m bloody useless too. And you’re amazing and better than me in too many shameful ways (yawn. but yet AWFUL!!!!) 

So yeah... I know stuff. I’ve experienced changes. I could do with just a little bit more

Now... I know I’m getting all ahead of myself; already getting so super excited that I may be able to really enjoy my life deeply soon when,

I’ve had literally 1 session of therapy so obviously the help hasn’t yet begun really.... And yet, 

I do believe a change is on the horizon.

This year has been pretty damn challenging in terms of managing (or not) my mental health problems. BUT it’s getting easier, I feel less sick, literally feel like good food is edible again. I have less headaches and anxiety attacks and my depressive states are gradually reducing.

Why do I tell this story?

Imagining that few to no people will read me. Because it’s me truthfully now. It’s what I am happy to help explain, and share. 

God I try to let people know,

but it’s so damn depressing I don’t want to burden, 

I just want to explain a little... 

so they can understand;

why I am unable to tell them what is good with my life 

and why I don’t want to join in anymore, 

why I don’t want to actively live my life... 

Because things aren’t in place in my life, 

and every time I try to get on track, I get a knockback again before long, in the shape of stupid, F**king, ever-reappearing mental health shite.

Can you tell I’m a little bit angry about it? 

I’m hugely ashamed about it, 

...that I keep letting myself and others down, but not quite enough to pull my finger out, hey. Yep ... loser, and knows it. The ramblings of a suicidal you’d think? Nope I can’t even be bothered to think my life is worth ending, I’d rather suffer in knowing it’s wasted.

I used to, and still kind of do believe that 

therapy is only really worthy of those who are suicidal. (WRONG)

Any of you who have ever encountered the questions by a health professional asking you if you are suicidal or have ever had suicical thoughts may know what I mean. 

I mean... why are you asking me like it’s a determinator of how awful my life is, are you telling me to

get to that point before I’m ready to get help? Heck what the hell! 

Obviously I know it’s about a duty of care. But my god, there’s gotta be some truth in giving those who are waiving the white flag at the grim reaper a red flag up to the top of the “that girl needs therapy” list

Money health talks

Do you know I managed to fail a health assessment for Employment Support Allowance, I was going to challenge it, yet I read the report and the statements were true. 

And yet here I am 6 months later. Same situ, off job seekers.  Struggling to keep working. I may as well take another bloody corporate job, at least I get better pay and better hours, cos my extra time and space right now doesn’t appear to be doing the trick

Sack me again, let me drain the corporations and get closer to that more important suicidal feelin’, yeah!!?

That trick I thought I had up my sleeve of becoming a yoga teacher would help me end of. 

NOPE. Girl still needs therapy. 

Of course I don’t have a clear strategy, I’ve been too poorly to address the essentials. Shame on me. 

So where’s my support? My family find ways to help me hugely but it’s not easy, it’s not without discomfort and it’s certainly doesn’t feel like taking liberties living in luxury.  It’s not possible for me to drain my parents retirement on which they’re living.

 The system isn’t supporting me, and I am struggling to support myself. It’s sick. 

So now a motivation for me to earn money is for me to afford my therapy. How nuts is that. 

I choose a better present and a future as my priority. I’m offered to pay less but as a professional in a similar field I don’t wish to exploit this generosity. It’s empowering to know it’s possible, yet whilst I��set my priorities on my basic needs and this, 

How  dare I lower her rates to charity level, that’s not on. Not unless I’ve succumbed to the addictions of life, materialism, capitalism, being unable to be in solitude or celebrate at low - zero expense

... then that’s my problem as far as I am concerned and should it happen, then I’ll be happy to say I’m sorry I am asking to take advantage of your generosity.

Money talks

My belief is that our economic balance is total trash, 

Equality in life is at the essence of my beliefs,

Hence why I fall victim to believing that you are entitled to earn what your clients earn, if they value you, they will share the value of their time with you for the value of your time. 

What they fail to see more often than not, is that the value of my time is not the time in which they have me in a room, or the spare minutes around or messages exchanged. Working as a yoga instructor, or fitness instructor is so poorly valued, 

We spend so much time if we are doing a good proper job in keeping things afloat. 

IE let’s example a building contractor. Why do you pay them so much? Well of course they have to go and 

source the materials and put a premium on them no doubt, 

and they have to do the plans 

and my god may they have to market themselves? 

Or pay for tools (no I don’t just need mats) 

Let’s talk about my laptop which I wouldn’t have got honestly unless for work, 

for the phone which is on it’s arse which needs replacing to enable me to pitch for more work, 

what about the photo and video editing software, mic, camera etc that would all help me to keep going along this track so I can create content and stuff. 

God I’ve even got to pay for word processor these days, 

my insurances. 

Do you know what I’d 100% ditch my car if it wasn’t for work so 

How much do you spend on your car cos you’re income allows? 

RANT OVER(ish) ... at the fear of sounding like a self-entitled arsehole, ha. But you see where I am going with this. These are not just set up costs, they’re business costs which will need attention over time, for an exchange of services = business 

Even if it’s not a tangible asset, it’s a lifestyle choice like a car that actually you might walk away with lifelong lifestyle value against rather than depreciating bullshit.

There is business costs you wouldn’t consider, and you have lifestyle expectations that you demand of your employment, so because you think that it’s a choice or privilege for someone to pursue their vocation and it’s their responsibility or problem, and nothing of your concern that they have not found the way to achieve their income or funding without asking for reasonable rates of pay that reflect your own salaried hourly rate.  Where do you expect business funding to come from? - Those who advantage from the business!

That’s why it’s so hard

Because, 

Conflicting with this I also believe that yoga should not have this prestige image, or something of aspirational, it should be accessible to the masses ... god it’s within us so let me teach you how to practice yourself for free

My words are coming to an end. Terrible ramblings, I don’t have the patience right now to produce some quality content to share, hence why I don’t mind no-one it reading now. But maybe in time to come it may be seen and understood as a backstory. Shedding whatever lights I felt at the time, maybe changed, hopefully understood in the future with less conflict.

I would like to end this by offering my deepest apologies for my untruths, lies, letdowns, and would like to offer my deepest gratitude to those who read, who help, and who have the heart to care without judgement that this girl who needs therapy may always but has faith she will be absolutely amazing soon.

Almost THE END

And the last depressive note, just because hey, I am, and why not after being vocal on it. 

Sleeping tablets.. I’ve had over my dose tonight, again. and look at the energy exuding from me. 

Tomorrow no doubt I’ll be wiped and find my day tiresome needing naps or if I was in a office I’d be sitting pretending to do some mundane tasks extremely slowly (very rewarding). 

So well done, thanks for the help there NHS / Benefits system. Sort the shit out. 

Time out. 

And next up... when is it ok to start telling people I am letting them down because I am too depressed and anxious? 

.............................................THE END

[doyouneedtorant]

june 26, 2020 16:43

John, if you’re reading this, congrats. I am actually trusting you with something that for some reason, I originally felt hesitant to trust you with. I’m not even super sure why. Earlier today, I said I think it’s because I often overshare and don’t keep many things private or personal. I especially don’t do that with you because I adore you and want you to know everything about me. Not only does that mean I burden you with the enormous weight of my whole being, but it’s kind of nice to have something that is mine. And yes, I don’t need to tell you stuff but as I also mentioned to you, I am an open book that simply cannot close.

Anyways, I want you to know that I like you a lot. In fact, I might go as far as to say I love you. But I won’t tell you that now because I don’t want to make you feel pressured into saying something you don’t actually feel. I move at a different pace; I feel things very intensely and very fast, but I mean, honestly, how could I not when you make it so easy to love you? 

You are extremely cute. This might sound insulting but I don’t even remember you being this cute when I first met you. I just thought you were another white boy in a frat that I didn’t care about. I was bored and uninterested but then you asked me if I wanted to play cup pong and I thought “ugh I fucking hate pong but whatever, I’m bored”. We never even got to playing because John Gonzalez came up to us and told us to come upstairs and only when we got upstairs did I really look at you and think “huh, he’s kinda cute.” And now, John? I look at you and I can’t believe there was ever a time I was NOT obsessed with you. And it’s not just me. I show pictures of you to my friends and even my mom and everyone agrees that I found myself a handsome young man.

You are fucking hilarious. As soon as you told me you watched It’s Always Sunny and your favorite character was Dennis, oh my god, I knew we were going to be one-in-the-same. And then from 2am to SEVEN IN THE MORNING, you made me laugh so goddamn hard. Like I barely remember those conversations now (except for the fact that everything we said was ridiculously horrible), but I had never met someone so funny in my whole life. (I feel so bad for Nolan; I was mainly preoccupied with you and I was hoping he’d leave so I could make a move on you, but he’s a nice kid and it was probably for the best anyways.) Ever since then, there hasn’t been a single day you haven’t made me laugh out loud. I remember sitting with Tess at Totoro one day and I was telling her all about you and you and I were talking about my IUD and you sent me that stupid like, UGH do you know what I’m talking about? That weird childhood toy dinosaur thing where you can open its mouth? I really hope you understand what I mean. Anyways, you sent to me and said “I’m gonna pull your IUD out with this” and Jesus, you should have seen Tess. She was laughing so hard that she put the message on her snap story. And actually, I don’t think I ever told you this. Your friend Karis (I think that’s his name) responded to her because he saw the message was from “John H” and was like “how do you know John?” She said that her old roommate was hooking up with him and Karis said “Oh Eden?” When I say I teared up so quickly, you have no idea. You had been talking about me to your friends and you were probably not hooking up with anyone else. Like my whole day was made.

You are such a caring individual. You truly want what’s best for me. You respect my thoughts and what I say and you never make me feel stupid or overly sensitive, even when I probably am. When you’ve been drunk, you’ve told me about your feelings -- about your past, about what you want for your future -- and John, oh my goodness. The way you view other people and the people in your life -- it’s genuinely so beautiful and considerate. And it’s unfortunate that you don’t see yourself as the person I see because I see someone who is so intelligent, so kind, and so humble, even after witnessing or experiencing things that many people never recover from. You are really incredible and you have accomplished such amazing feats I could never even imagine doing. Getting super far into that app development competition (I may be getting all my facts wrong, but I hope you know what I mean), knowing how to play MULTIPLE instruments well (like not how I play instruments, like REALLY knowing what you’re doing), the fact that you are even in Michigan Engineering at all is so astounding. You are so great and I wouldn’t say that if it weren’t true. 

This is not going to be the only letter I write to you and I have no idea when I will actually say “hey, here’s my blog. Go run amuck” but I hope that one day I do and you scroll and you find these because I need you to know I’ve loved you since day one. After a week or two of talking to you, something in my brain said “you are going to marry this boy” and that’s exactly what I intend to do. 

[nilesarchives]

After the Storm ― CANON. (current verse)

Nick goes to see Miles in the hospital, and they finally get to be totally honest with each other upon the realization that things may not have ended this way. But not too long into their visit, certain things come to light that aren’t quite as happy.

Nick had started the day feeling like this was going to be like every other Thanksgiving. Wake up and laze around before his Mom expected him and his siblings over for dinner. So it was with little thought that he began to do the former. Stretching out on his couch, he blindly reached for his phone in order to flick through it for the time being. He saw he had a few obligatory “happy thanksgiving” texts from friends and coworkers that he quickly replied to, and it reminded him that he needed to send out a few of his own. He sent one to his brother that was currently overseas, one to Emerson, and then with some hesitation, he punched up Miles’ name. He just stared at the name in his phone for a moment, before he sent him a simple Happy Thanksgiving that Nick knew he wouldn’t even reply to. Still, it felt strange not to. He’d been his friend for years — he wasn’t going to just ignore that. Just as he wasn’t going to ignore the fact that he’d gotten in the habit of sending Miles’ Mom, Beth, the occasional holiday text. He’d known her for just as long as he’d known Miles, and had grown to care for her a lot over the years. So Nick texted her before he closed out of his messages, satisfied that he hadn’t left anyone out. Boredom set in and he opened up Instagram to scroll around on. He’d only been messing around on instagram for a few minutes before a call popped up on his screen. Beth Sterling. Miles’ mom. Brow furrowing in confusion, Nick lifted himself into a sitting position as he prepared to take the call. He’d expected a text back, maybe. But a phone call? That was unusual. He hesitated for a minute before answering, and the second he did, he could tell something was wrong. His blood ran cold and the world seemed to slow down, a sensation he hadn’t experienced since he was a little kid. The feeling of getting bad news; the feeling that someone you cared about wasn’t okay. Beth’s voice was tired and worn, and she explained to him that Miles had been drifting in and out of consciousness, but that the doctors said he was in decent shape. But that didn’t quell his worry, and he knew instinctively that it didn’t settle her down much either. With assurance that he’d be there as soon as he could, they ended the call, and just as soon as they did Nick was up and gathering his phone and coat before rushing out the door. He quickly ordered an Uber and, by some miracle they showed up right when he was considering just walking to the hospital. With his heart in his chest, he was on his way to see him. And as soon as he got there, it was all a blur. Walking to the wing his Mom said he’d be in, talking to her and hugging her and having her lead him to his room. It all happened so fast and slow at the same time. And seeing him in the hospital bed made his stomach churn painfully. He felt nauseous. He barely realized he was now alone in the room with him; he just walked over to stand beside him. “Miles.” His voice was hoarse and he reached out a hand to him, almost afraid to touch him, but ultimately lowered it to rest upon his arm as gently as possible. “It’s me. It’s Nick.” He was bruised and swollen and it didn’t look like Miles. His whole chest ached. He wasn’t sure what happened to him. Or who had done this to him. But it made him so sick and angry and sad for him at the same time. “I don’t know if you can hear me. But I’m here.” His voice shook slightly. “Are you awake?”

Miles wasn’t even sure he was awake half the time that he was. He got disoriented every single time he opened his eyes. There were a few moments of bleariness, followed by some even longer moments of confusion; each time he woke up, he needed to be reminded where he was. But when his mom or a nurse — whoever was beside him at the time — told him that he was in the hospital, he remembered. Oh, he remembered, because suddenly he’d feel the pain, and it was everywhere. All over. He felt like he’d been hit by a truck. The worst of it was his head, which had a constant dull ache that randomly turned into a sharp twinge every once in a while, and second to that were his ribs, which kept him from moving even slightly. If he tried to shift, it sent a sharp pang of discomfort shooting out into all of his extremities. It was torture. And when he noticed it, he couldn’t stop feeling it. So he would lie there feeling everything all at once, and he would try to engage with his mom or give the nurses the answers they needed. But mostly he just spent the time willing himself to go back to sleep because at least then he didn’t have to think about how badly he was hurting. He didn’t spend much of the time, if any, thinking about what had landed him here. No one was asking because they knew he needed to recover. He wasn’t speaking at all if he didn’t have to. He was in a constant daze, using all of his strength just to stay still and slip back into unconsciousness. So it was no use at the moment trying to figure out what had happened to him. They were going to need to give it a few days. He was in that groggy, sort-of-awake-but-wishing-he-were-asleep state when Nick came in. Miles didn’t actually notice at first. He was so out of it that any time someone new came in, he wouldn’t take notice of it until Beth woke him up to show him who was there. And truthfully, there hadn’t been many people so far; most were trying to give him his space. So it was no surprise that when Nick came to him, Miles didn’t flinch, his eyes remaining closed. It took a bit for him to register that he was hearing a voice, that it was a voice he recognized, saying things that sounded very far away but were actually right beside him. Miles forced his eyes open again to be sure that he was hearing correctly. Then came the confusion he always faced, but he blinked past it and focused on Nick’s face. He wasn’t all that clear in Miles’ vision through his exhaustion. But Nick was there, and Miles wasn’t entirely sure why at first. Despite everything, though, they were best friends. So of course he was there. “Hi,” Miles said quietly. His voice was breathy every time he spoke, but there was more to it this time. He was just so glad that Nick was here. He turned his head slightly toward the door. “Where’s my mom?” He only asked because she had been there every single second since Miles was admitted. He didn’t mind the current company, though. He turned back to Nick. “How are you?”

Nick was both relieved and undoubtedly concerned when he heard his voice. He was awake. He was here. But at the same time, his voice didn’t have the strength it normally did. “Hi.” He tried to smile at him, trying to tell himself that he was okay and that he’d be okay. “I think she’s in the waiting room. She brought me in here to see you. Do you need me to go get her?” He was quick to offer, wanting to help him even if he couldn’t do much. “You’re literally laying in a hospital bed, and you’re asking me how I am? You scared the shit out of me, Miles.” He said seriously. “How are you? Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to get you anything?”

Miles shook his head slightly. “I don’t need her.” He was glad that Nick had offered, though. He was still trying to process the fact that Nick was even here in the first place to be able to offer. It was something he’d thought might make him sad or sick, seeing Nick again. But now, being here, he realized it was stupid to pretend like Nick wasn’t the one person he wanted to see. “I’m fine,” Miles said, and to prove it, he raised the hand closest to Nick in order to wave off the notion that he was anything but. He winced at the moment when the slight shift of his body heightened the pain in his ribs, but he didn’t let it stop him. “I think I’m just…lucky to be alive? I don’t know.” At this point he felt like he might have fallen off a cliff or something. Or, more likely, he was being very dramatic. “My head hurts the worst. I think I’m…very concussed.” He nodded, then zeroed in on Nick’s face again. “You don’t have to be here, you know.”

Nick nodded as Miles declined his offer. He wasn’t sure what else to say at that moment, but he definitely didn’t miss the wince on Miles’ face as he moved his arm. “Be careful.” He breathed, wanting to reach out to steady him, but not wanting to accidentally hurt him. Hearing him say he was lucky to be alive caused his heart to stutter in his chest, because Miles was right. If it were worse….if he weren’t as lucky, he wouldn’t be there with him right now. And that thought was terrifying. “If you need any ice or a nurse or something, tell me. I’m serious.” He swallowed and shook his head. “I want to be here.” He said honestly, not caring enough to hide that fact anymore. Not after feeling like he might actually lose him. “I wanted to see that you were okay.” He paused, and for the first time he considered the fact that maybe his presence was hurting more than it was helping. “Do you need me to leave?”

Miles could feel the hesitation from Nick, and it made sense. Miles himself wasn’t even entirely sure what he needed at the moment. But he knew that if it were bad he’d be able to voice it. He hasn’t had any trouble with that yet. “I will.” Miles was glad to hear that, even though he knew it to an extent. Nick wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be. Still, it was nice to hear him say it. Then it was Miles’ turn to shake his head. “No. I’m glad you came.” It was true. Even if Miles was out of it and didn’t even know when he would be out of here or what things would be like with Nick after the fact, he just wanted him to stay there for the time being. “It isn’t very exciting here, though. Just a warning.” He tried to smile at him, just to remind him that he really was fine. Or as fine as he could be right now.

Nick felt relief settle in as Miles continued to talk like he was okay. And that he was okay with Nick being there. “I think I’ll manage.” He tried to offer him a smile in return, but all he could do was breathe in shakily and drop his hand to the edge of the hospital bed, allowing his fingers to pick at the sterile sheet as he began to speak. “If you’re here, I want to be here.” He wasn’t sure if this was the right time to say these things, but if he learned anything today, it was that he could lose him at any moment. If nothing else, Miles needed to know that Nick cared. And that if he needed him, he’d be there for him. “I almost lost you, Miles. And I didn’t even know it until today.” His chest still ached at the thought. He looked up to meet his eyes. “I love you.” The words tumbled out before he could stop them, and he was all nerves and worry, but he didn’t stop himself. “And I’m going to remember I said that. Because you almost died —“ His words broke off, and he had to stop for a moment. “You almost died, and you wouldn’t have known that.”

Miles was trying to think of a good way to respond. Nick was being fairly open with him, and Miles wanted to make it clear that he heard it and appreciated it. But before he could formulate a response, there were those words again, the same ones he’d heard days ago and then quickly wished he hadn’t. And just like then, it made his heart pound in his chest and left him feeling elated. It was better this time, even, because Nick was sober, and he was honest when he said he was going to remember it. Miles’ mouth felt dry, and he didn’t know why, but the very first thing he could think to say was, “Are you sure?” He thought that it was probably the fear of embarrassment again. But then he reminded himself that Nick had never even taken it back in the first place. Even if he hadn’t remembered it, he’d meant it. And now it was clear. “I didn’t die,” he reminded him, though of course Nick knew. Miles just thought it couldn’t hurt to reiterate. “I don’t know what happened but I didn’t die. And I know now. I know, Nick.” It kind of blew his mind that he knew. “You better not forget this time,” he said, hoping his voice took on the lighthearted tone he meant it to. As he said it, he raised his hand again, but powered through it so he could place it on Nick’s forearm. “And for what it’s worth…I love you too.” Even if that was pretty clear. “And I’m not going to break if you touch me, you know.”

Nick wanted to laugh at that question, but the seriousness of the situation prevented him to do so. “I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t sure.” He was sure when he’d said it days ago, even if he had no recollection. The only thing he hadn’t been sure about was whether or not he should say it. Whether or not it would change everything and make a giant mess. But a giant mess had already happened, and Nick could have potentially lost him for good. So now, suddenly, saying it seemed less scary. It was not saying it at all that scared him now. “You didn’t.” He repeatedly quietly. Thank God. But truthfully, he could have died. He didn’t voice that out loud, though. “I’m not forgetting anything.” His eyes lowered to Miles’ hand as it reached out to his forearm, and he felt a certain rush of adrenaline course through him as he heard Miles say it. Of course, on some level he knew it, because Miles’ wouldn’t have stuck around with him if he didn’t care. Hearing it, though, was another story. Shakily, his hand rose to cover Miles’ hand that rest on his forearm with his free hand. “You’re just saying that because you want me to stay and sneak you snacks.” He joked weakly, but slightly squeezed his hand so he knew he was teasing; that he understood. “No, maybe not break you. But I could hurt you. You’ve only got about a thousand wires attached to you.” There weren’t that many, truthfully, but any at all was too much. He suddenly wanted to ask him what had happened; who or what had done this to him. But he didn’t, not yet. Miles had already been through enough. Instead, he took his hand from its spot on top of Miles’ and moved it so that his palm was laying flat on the hospital bed next to the other mans shoulder. And after a brief moment of making sure he wasn’t accidentally knocking against Miles or any of the medical equipment, Nick was leaning down towards him. He wanted to kiss him, or something, just to touch him and show him that he was there. That he was serious. Deciding against a real kiss, because he wasn’t sure if that was entirely appropriate, Nick stretched so that he could place a kiss on the top of his head. For a moment he lingered, before lifting himself back up. He wanted to say something stupid, like ‘I’m glad you’re not dead’. But he stopped himself. “Do you know how long they’re keeping you for?”

Miles nodded slowly. He knew that. It was a dumb question. But he couldn’t be held accountable for stupid questions at the moment. This was the most alert he’d been since he had first fallen unconscious, which was…days ago. He wasn’t sure exactly how long. His mom let him know the time every once in a while, but he wasn’t really keeping track. Miles looked down at Nick’s hand on top of his. “I’m actually not that hungry, if you can believe it.” He looked pointedly at the needles in his arm and the monitors attached to his chest. His appetite wasn’t the best it had ever been. “I’m already hurting,” he said, because it was the truth. Anything Nick could do to him probably wouldn’t make it much worse than it already was. He wouldn’t mind it in exchange for Nick’s reassuring touch anyway. And Nick moved his hand to lean in instead, and Miles thought he was going to kiss him, and he thought about how it had actually been a while and he missed the feeling more than he was willing to admit. But Nick pressed his lips to his head instead, and Miles couldn’t complain. He could kiss him later. Truthfully, he could — and that was the best part. “I don’t know.” He sighed, because he wished he knew. At the same time, though, he didn’t really want to be at home feeling like this. “I’ll probably be at my mom’s house at first. She’ll just help me get back on track. And hopefully Greg will just—” Miles stopped. Hearing the name out loud, even from his own mouth, froze him. All at once, he remembered. There were only bits and pieces, and he couldn’t be sure what ultimately led to him being here, but he remembered the hitting, being on the floor and pushed against walls, all of it. It was Greg. Greg put him here. But almost as soon as he came to this realization, Miles also realized he didn’t want it to come up. Not right now. He didn’t need to be giving Nick all the details of what had happened to him. They were having a moment that Miles didn’t want to shatter. He came back to reality, finding Nick’s face to focus on again. He shook his head slightly. “Sorry. I-I kind of lose my train of thought sometimes. It’s been happening. Because of the concussion.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. Right now he was focused on pushing all thoughts about Greg out of his mind completely. “But soon. Hopefully soon I get to go. Just be back to normal. Or better than normal, maybe.” He gave Nick another smile to convince both of them that he was fine right now.

Nick hated seeing like this. He hated the thought that someone could just do this to him and get away with it. It made him sick to his stomach. “I can’t say I blame you.” He replied quietly. If Nick were in his position, he wouldn’t be thinking about food either. “I don’t want to make you worse.” He clarified, trying not to sound like he was babying him. He couldn’t help but be worried, though. He hated the thought that he was in pain. Nick listened to him speak, following along until Miles seemed to space out. His eyebrows raising, he straightened his back and stood there until Miles’ finished his sentence. He wasn’t sure what caused him to space out like that, until Miles said it. And then it made sense, and the severity of his injuries were made clear to him. “Fuck.” He breathed. “I should page a nurse —“ Miles was talking normal again, but Nick wasn’t sure if that was a sign he wasn’t doing well or something. “Maybe they can give you something for the pain.” He hoped Miles was right, about him being able to get better soon. He wasn’t sure when that would be, or what else needed to be checked out before he was released. But he wanted to be reassuring, somehow. “It’ll be normal again.” He repeated, absentmindedly seeking out Miles’ hand again and covering it with his own. “You’ll be able to eat again…and watch Stranger Things.” He cracked a small smile. “And walk Scout. You’ll get out of here.“

Miles wanted to tell him that he didn’t think he could make him worse, but there was no point in doing that. He knew what Nick meant. He was just worried about him. Which was made even more clear to him when Nick started to panic at the fact that he had spaced out. At the mention of nurses, Miles shook his head firmly. It actually made his head hurt a little when he did. “No. No nurses. I’m fine.” They weren’t going to do anything but tell him that he was just the same as he had been the past few days, and Miles didn’t want to deal with it. Especially not now. Plus, they were already giving him something for the pain and it wasn’t doing much. At the thought of being back at home, Miles relaxed some, and he smiled. “I might just watch it without you. I’m sick of waiting,” he teased. The thought of Scout made him smile too, but then there was a whole new issue in his head. “Scout — she’s probably freaking out. Is she alone?” he asked, though he wasn’t even sure if Nick knew. “Who’s been feeding her?”

Nick still wanted to go find him a nurse, even if he said he was fine. But Miles didn’t seem to want one, so Nick had to trust that he was okay. Or at least try to. If he spaced out again or looked like he was in even worse pain, he’d have to do something. “I didn’t realize you were waiting for me. I thought you’d be on your third rewatch by now.” He smiled as Miles began to joke back. “She’s fine. Your Mom mentioned that Greg had gone to get her. She should be with him now.”

Miles almost wanted to roll his eyes. Of course he had waited. “We said we would watch it together so I waited for us to watch it together. I’m a man of my word.” He was glad they were back to their easy banter, despite the circumstances. Even when Miles was in pain in the hospital and Nick was going through his own shit on top of being here for Miles, they were always going to fall back into it. It was just easy together. And just when Miles was starting to relax again, to be content with where he was in spite of it all, Nick informed him that Scout was with Greg. Worst case scenarios immediately plagued his mind. He was the last person on Earth that Miles would want Scout to be with right now. It made his blood boil. All he could picture was what Greg had done to him, over and over and over again, and Scout needed to be out of there. Away from him. “No,” Miles said simply. “No. You have to go get her.” His voice was low, but his heart started to race. He could hear it on the monitor. “She can’t—she can’t be with him. Fuck, you have to go get her.” His voice was slowly rising with his heart rate, and he tried to push himself to sit up in his desperation, completely forgetting how it made him feel like his ribs were collapsing inside of him. He hissed at the feeling, trying not to cry out, and doubled over, his arms grasped tightly around himself. “Nick,” was all he could say, but he didn’t need his help. He’d have this feeling a thousand times if it meant Scout was going to be safe. He just couldn’t find the words to tell him to go, his face contorted in what was mostly pain, but also included distress.

Nick smiled again at that. “I don’t know, I thought you would’ve watched it with Lily by now.” And for once, he didn’t mention her out of bitterness or exhaustion. It was half a joke, half a statement. It was almost like he was just remembering her existence, but none of that really mattered now. That stuff didn’t matter. They’d talk about it later. Right now, he was just content to be there with him and talk to him. It was going great, until Miles’ expression quickly began to change. The immediate change startled Nick, and he wasn’t really sure what to make of it. “What?” He said at first, not really sure what was going on. He was on immediate alert, and tried to reach out for him as he sat up. “I’ll get her, I’ll get her — just hold on.” His heart was racing, and as the beeping on Miles’ monitor increased, so did his need to calm him down. Not knowing what else to do, he quickly snatched up the phone and pressed the button to signal for a nurse while simultaneously calling out over his shoulder, hoping they’d hurry up. Hearing Miles say his name and double over in pain stabbed him in the chest. “Miles.” He called out, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder — or something, when two nurses suddenly burst into the room. One was brushing past him in order to go to Miles, and one was trying to usher him out of the room. He tried to look over the nurses shoulder as she did so, hoping to see him at least one last time before they completely pushed him out. He wasn’t sure what was going on, or why Miles was upset enough to move so abruptly. It didn’t make sense to him, but all he could do now was stand outside of the room helplessly and hope that the nurses could calm him down.

[firstumcschenectady]

“The Will of God” based on 1 Samuel 8:4-20 and Mark 3:31-35

https://workcollaboratively.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/wc_needs-feelings-inventory.pdf

In the gospel today, Jesus said that anyone who does the will of God is his mother, brother, or sister.  He defines his family by those who do God's will.  Jesus also taught us that our God is a God of love, which is the starting point for knowing God's will.  Jesus reminded us of the great commandments. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  

I've had some very helpful nudgings from this congregation recently.  Many of them have been in your consistent reminders to take care of myself since my knee injury, and collectively you've seemed to know that I would need a lot of those reminders.  Being patient with my body isn't easy for me.

There were two more nudgings as well.  One of you asked if I could say more to  acknowledge the pain people have and struggle with.  That certainly felt important.   Then came another call, asking me if I could preach about self-love.  

I've concluded that the Spirit herself has been at work in all of this. Self-love is a very exciting topic to speak about!  I've spent most of my continued education time during my years as your pastor working on this for myself, and I think I've learned a few things that might be of use.  Yet, this is also a nerve wracking topic to talk about, both because it requires great vulnerability and because it is a tender topic with which I might accidentally do harm.

Nevertheless, it is time to talk about loving ourselves.  When we say “Love your neighbor as yourself,” we tend to ignore the implicit assumption that we love ourselves contained in the rule.  To prepare for this sermon I asked on Facebook and through some emails for people to offer definitions of love.  I told them it was for preaching, I did not share that I was going to preach about loving ourselves!  

The answers were, of course, amazing.  A lot of the responses reflected careful consideration followed by a conclusion that defining love is very difficult  and perhaps impossible.  I got wished “good luck” rather a lot!  Some tried to find the words anyway, and I think you'll find them useful for reflection.  In order not to distract you, I'm going to offer some of your definitions words without attributing them.  

Love is more of an action than anything else. For example, I find making the bed in the morning a complete waste of time, my husband loves to come home to a made bed, when I make the bed, I do it for him because I know it will make him happy, that's love.

The glue of the Trinity, spilling over into creation.

I feel that love is a choice. It stems from a feeling, but it is a solid, daily choice.

the movement of goodness itself...

Spirit is Love and Love is Spirit

Companionship;  Communication;   Accepting each others thoughts and feelings; Reaching a hand in church; In the middle of the night reaching out to touch

love cannot be defined because a definition automatically puts boundaries and love is not bounded

One can give examples of the affects of love on both the lover and the object of that love (animate or inanimate) and the effects of love-Love casts out fear

Finally, one among you shared a set of profound thoughts, which I cannot summarize or shorten without weakening it:

Love can mean many things  depending on the context. I think you mean love as it involves people or spirit rather than things like ice cream or sports. With regard to people, love is a state of unlimited commitment where two people or even in some cases like a pet dog become so in sync with one's feelings that the object of love is an extension of the person and foibles are overlooked or forgiven.

Then there is spiritual love =the love of God or Jesus which is our rock of support -it is often recognized in retrospect like in the expression `If not for the love of God  I would have suffered'. When one recovers from a traumatic experience or accident  one is grateful for the love of the Divine. I know that  scientists and engineers are often tagged as  non-believers unless some measurement standard  can document the cause of an event.  I don't agree – there's more than mortals can conjure up that is involved.   So these are my ramblings - I'll be interested in the views of others and remain thankful for all the love I have experienced.

Another among you has since reminded me to tell you that love is so powerful as to be very dangerous.  Since I was reminded of that I've been trying figure out if that applies to self love or not.  It seems to me that romantic love is far more dangerous than self love, but then again that the world as we know it would fall apart if we were good at self love.  (At least, the US economy would!)   So perhaps self love is quite dangerous as well.  

Now, the logical among you (and there are plenty of you!) are going to wish that at this point I'd offer a definition of self-love, despite the fact that I've just shown you by example how very hard it is to define love at all.  I'm going to give this my best shot.  Self-love is “loving yourself as you'd love your neighbor.”  Or, perhaps it might be better for some of us to say “loving yourself as you'd want a dearly loved one to be able to love themselves.”  I say this because most people I know are far kinder to their loved ones than themselves.  We speak to ourselves in ways we'd never permit ourselves to speak to anyone else.  

There are 4 girls in this world I consider my nieces, including one who is biologically my niece.  The two oldest are old enough to sometimes be terribly hard on themselves, and life has sometimes given me the chance to have heart-to-heart talks with them when they're in the midst of self-blame.  Because of my deep love for them and because of the training I've had in listening, I've sometimes been able to help them translate their own self-criticisms.  It turns out that “I'm an idiot” usually means something else entirely, for instance, “I'm feeling frustrated that I can't find my long underwear, and I'm afraid it is a fundamental flaw in my humanity that I could have lost them.”  Once translated, it becomes much easier to think together about whether or not misplaced long underwear are really such an enormous failure.

Now, clearly, misplacing one's long underwear does not an idiot make.  We all have the capacity to assure a beloved child of that.  I'm less confident about our ability to remember that when dealing with ourselves.  We jump from a small infraction of our ideals to an enormous overstatement of our failures.  We keep the self-criticism tightly wound inside, most of us keep it so tightly wound that we try to pretend it away even to ourselves.  

The jump from small infraction to utter failure is the work of an internal “self-critic.”  We all have them.  These are parts of ourselves that manage to jump to strong, universal, and nasty criticisms at lightspeed.  They sound like this:  “I'm lazy.” “No one really likes me.” “I'm stupid.” “I'm selfish.” “Everything is wrong and it is all my fault.”  “I'm going to fail.”  “I'm fat.” “I'm going to get fired.”  “I'm ugly.” “I'm unlovable.”  “I don't deserve to be here.”   Most of us have a lot of them, and they're powerful.  While they all sound more or less alike, each of us have our own set with their own  particular refrains.  Self-critics within say things we'd never allow others to say to us – and would never say to others - and they say them regularly.

The most shocking thing I've learned this decade is that self-critics are TRYING TO HELP us.  They're just really, really bad at it.  They actually want to protect and support us, but they have bad communication skills.  They think yelling at us and shaming us will motivate us to do better.  Instead, it can cripple us at times, it keeps us afraid, and it doesn't give us any sense of freedom. However, it is possible to learn how to TRANSLATE the criticism! Under the ugly words is a loving intention, and if you listen to that self-critic the way you might listen to a beloved niece, you can find it.  The best part is that once you hear the loving-intention underneath the criticism, the critic often stops yelling and gives you some peace!

Listening to our self-critics is terrifying.  However, in my experience, it is more frightening to contemplate than to do.  Because the self-critic always has a loving intention, and because that loving-intention hasn't usually been heard, it is actually sort of lovely!  It is far worse to hear the criticisms regularly yelled from within than it is to hear the loving-intention!

One of the harshest critics I've had in my life used to tell me quite often that I was “too much.”  This was extended to include, “too loud, too big, and too pushy.”  I heard it MANY times a day.  With the guidance of a loving teacher, I was able to hear beneath it.  The self-critic was still feeling the pain of being an unpopular elementary school student, and was trying to help me control myself in ways that might make me more like-able.  The self-critic hadn't meant to hurt me!  It really did want to help, it was just scared! Once I heard the loving-intention, it toned down. I still hear from her once in a while, but only in fairly extreme circumstances (when maybe I should be keeping my mouth shut after all!).  Even then, the bite that once sought to control me isn't there anymore.  

There is a quote I've always loved, “Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I really need it.”  This applies to others when they're not able to behave well, and it applies to ourselves when we're not able to behave well, and it applies to our self-critics! , Now, I don't want to send you off to face your self-critics without a bit more guidance.  If you are ready to live without quite as much internal yelling, then I suggest a few things.  It helps a lot to write things down.  “I'm too much” was a terrifying, almost heart-stopping thing to hear inside myself, but in black and white on paper it looked a lot smaller.  If you have a person you trust, they are often quite helpful in working on translating with you.  (Including your pastor.)  The process takes some time, so be patient with yourself.  It may sound silly, but it requires actually listening to the self-critic in order to get to the loving intention. And, as loud and hurtful as self-critics can be, they're also sorta shy. This is a good time to remind you of the “feelings and needs” list found here: https://workcollaboratively.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/wc_needs-feelings-inventory.pdf.  It helps to remember that we all have needs, the needs are universal, needs do not make us weak – AND most self-critics are trying to help us meet a need!!  A very difficult to internalize reminder:  we can actually get along without self-critics.  They are not the only reason we get anything done, we are able to function and even thrive without internal yellers.  

I started this conversation with the precious moments I've had when I've been able to help translate my niece's fears.  I started that way on purpose.  Our inner critics are a lot like hurting children, and they respond best to patient, gentle, loving attention; and they sometimes need some affirmation that we know they're hurting before they can trust us to work with them.  The ways we seek to help children when they're hurting are the same skills we can use to be more loving to ourselves.

Doing the work to love ourselves is a part of God's will.  If God loves us, then God doesn't want us spoken to in hurtful and abusive ways. Thus, the time it takes to find the loving-intention is time well spent.  Furthermore, love itself is a cool thing.  Every time it stretches out in a new direction, it expands its capacity.  As we love others more, we can love ourselves more.  As we love ourselves more, we can love God more.   As we love God more, we can love others and ourselves more.

Love is the will of God.

Including, self-love.

May we do God's will.  Amen

--

Rev. Sara E. Baron

First United Methodist Church of Schenectady

603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305

Pronouns: she/her/hers

http://fumcschenectady.org/

https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

June 10, 2018

[jupiterm00n]

Monday   April 10, 2017   3:46am

So a brief update: everything is a mess

Everything is a goddamn mess and I have no idea how to fix anything. 

So many things have happened and I’m still not sure how to process anything let alone how to fix it. I’ve never been in situations before like I’m in now and I need help? but also, I have like 4 friends who I see regularly and I can’t talk to any of them about it because they’ve all played some part of what’s confusing me. It’s a whole fucking mess. I was going to update about everything that’s happened since I last wrote, but so much has happened, and so much of it is like what I wrote about before so I might as well not bother. I don’t know what to do. My relationship is in pieces, and everyone wants us to break up. I agree, we’re toxic. He hurts me a lot, and I hurt him just as much... but he’s my best friend and I can’t fathom being alone and not being able to call my best friend for help. He’s my best friend on the planet, even this week, jalen was so nice. I had so many panic attacks and he called me at one point and knew I was having a panic attack, and he came over and just was so nice. Which he hasn’t done in so long, but I knew it was genuine. It was so nice. And besides that, many of my other friends have been pretty forward with what they want. I haven’t entirely been innocent either. It kills me. I always freeze up in these situations, or I just go along because I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I’m too afraid? I don’t know. But I go along with it, I pretend like everything is okay at the time, I just go with it. It’s fucked up, and it’s wrong; especially since I’m in a relationship. I don’t mean to. Every time something like what’s happened has happened, I go along with it. I freeze, and I want to say something, I feel the guilt and shame creep up, but for some reason every single goddamn time I just get swept up and am physically incapable  of saying anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And then the next day, after I’ve sobered up and processed what the fuck just happened, I feel so much guilt that I just want to throw up. Jalen knows that I’ve always been more on the side of an open relationship, but since he’s not cool with that I agreed. That was the agreement. A while ago he said we could have an open relationship, but we haven’t really talked since. And since our relationship is so fucked up, I haven’t wanted to do anything with anyone else. I haven’t wanted to push him away more than I already have... But now all this shit has happened. With MULTIPLE people... and I know that no one believes me. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I feel so terrible. I feel so guilty. He’s hurting and I’m hurting, and I didn’t have any intention of instigating any sort of physical contact with anyone at all until we figured out was going on. But, the fact that I pretty much only see and hang out with guys, and guys who apparently find me somewhat appealing, is really making this plan difficult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone at all, and for like 2 months that’s all I’ve been doing. Hurting Jalen, and hurting the people who I’m also close too who have hit on me. It’s not the other people’s fault’s either. I’m completely guilty. I go along, I never stop it in time. Instead, I just let the guilt build up, I feel terrible, I think too much, I am so fucking passive and weak. 

None of this would be an issue if I wasn’t in a relationship. I’ve done shit with people before, and in high school I made out with my friends all the time. I’m completely fine with it, but when it comes to actual feelings I feel weird and I get sick. I don’t know how I feel about anyone. I’m so confused. I feel very numb. I don’t want to hurt Jalen, my best friend, my boyfriend, the first person I loved. He doesn’t deserve that, and I love him still. I don’t know how to describe exactly how I love him, it’s changed, I’m sure he’d say the same thing... But I’ve always been pretty casual about intimacy. It’s never been a big deal for me. If I had it my way, I’d be making out with friends if they suggested, and I have no issues with the whole idea of friends sleeping together. Physical intimacy has never been saved exclusively for relationships in my life, until I was in a relationship. I’ve always been fine with people wanting to make out, or to be close to another person. I even feel that. In high school I realized I got close to a lot of my friends by being close to them physically. There’s some sort of venerability about being close to someone, especially when those people are already kind of close and both see in themselves some sort of self consciousness or early- onset of mental illness that high schooler’s have. It’s a cool nice thing. Being physically intimate with another human is such a nice thing, touching their skin and their hair, noticing details of them that you wouldn’t normally see. It’s like the closest you can get to experiencing their point of view of life. But then being with them, there’s something exhilarating about the physical form of a person. being with a friend and being close to them, you see the physical beauty in them, and you’ve spent so much time together, as friends, but you’re close to them. It’s like giving a friend a hug, but deeper. You’re like appreciating every part of them. Sex and intimacy are so venerable. And when you’ve had conversations with friends about personal things, it’s kind of like that. Instead of words expressing emotions, you’re completely surrounded by the physical form of a person who you connect to so well. It’s nice, to feel the physical comparison of an extremely personal and intense conversation. And especially since I’ve always hated my fucking body, it’s always been so relieving to have someone I love want me. Purely from a physical sense. It’s always been nice when I’ve done shit with friends, and I always feel closer to them. 

I wish people could understand. I love Jalen, and even when our relationship was good, I still was very casual about sex. Not that I ever slept with anyone else, but I’ve always really connected through people physically. It sounds so stupid. 

Lindsey said she thinks I do this because I hate myself so much, and I hate my body so much. Like most of the people I’ve been the closest too, I’ve fooled around with. She thinks that’s because even though I’m extremely self conscious and am ashamed of my brain and “personality” I’ve gotten closer to people once they’ve seen me naked, or fooled around with me, because I hate my body so so much and think it’s so disgusting, that I’ve convinced myself that If people don’t run away from my physical form completely disgusted, or if they want to touch me, or want to hold me or be close to me, then I can trust them, I can trust to confide my actual thoughts to them. 

That hasn’t happened in a while. I haven’t been super super close to another person in a while without feeling extreme guilt and shame because of my relationship status. Because of all that, I’ve been really bad at communicating. I really suck. I’m not sure what’s safe to share, and I either overshare, or I say nothing. I feel like such a monster. I feel black and white all the time, I don’t know what to say to anyone, and I’ve been apologizing way too much again. I feel guilty and shameful all the time. I always am so scared because I think people know way too much about me. I kind of wish I could go back to when I said nothing about my life. To when I thought I only had depression, anxiety, and ocd. I want to feel ok and comfortable with my friends. I miss the easy times where I could make out with one of my friends for a few hours and we’d be cool, and we’d smoke and talk about personal deep shit, because it didn’t seem to matter as much, because how much more personal can you get when you’re 16 and you’re in you’re underwear making out with you’re friend? I can’t seem to grasp that sort of friendship anymore. I don’t know whether I’m just fucked up, or whether it’s the fact that i’m in a relationship, or whether it’s because none of my friends actually like me. 

i want to fuck. i want to run away. i want to die. in that order probably. 

I have no idea. I have more to write. 

i have to be up in 3 hours. 

fuck.