#i don't really have space in my brain atm and i feel like if i try i'll just get more frustrated

[tyrannuspitch]

i want to write. but i'm not doing it.

[ervotica]

liam mairi x reader where he literally loses it during the torture chamber over seeing her hurt

pairing; liam mairi x fem!reader

warnings; torture lol, graphic depictions of violence and injury, liam is a little unhinged (as much as a golden retriever can be) and also the best bf ever. also xaddy makes an appearance <3

a/n; for argument's sake, liam is alive and well (also for my sake bc he's my baby and i adore him) this is a little different to the plot in the books as liam isn't *technically* there during the torture chamber scene, so this diverts from the original plot. this is gonna get like 4 whole notes but idgaf because liam is taking up my entire mind atm i just want that boy to smother me in love and i can kiss his perfect face<3

Knuckles crack against the already swollen expanse of your jaw and your neck whips sideways awkwardly as blood fills your gasping mouth. Your ears ring, vision beginning to blur and blacken at the edges as Liam roars.

You can't see him for the soldiers crowding your line of vision, but the guttural sound that rips its way from his throat is unlike anything you've ever heard before. It's raw, full of untethered fury that no one would expect from a kind soul like Liam. But, then again, no one's seen the lengths he will go to to keep you safe.

"I'm fine, Li," you murmur, neck cracking as you wrench your head upright to reassure him. The swarm of bodies part somewhat, and they back against the wall; you watch him thrash against the restraints, teeth bared like a predator; it's a stark juxtaposition to his usual - docile - countenance.

“Touch her again and I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill all of you!” he bellows, voice permeating the otherwise relatively silent chamber. It cuts through you like glass, and you wince as another blow collides with your cheekbone. You feel it shatter, growling through grit teeth at your attacker.

“You have all the power here,” he croons. “Tell us what we need to know, and I’ll let you go.”

“Fuck you,” you seethe. “You really think I’ll break that easily?”

He cracks his knuckles slowly, one by one echoing through the empty room as he paces, his head tilting curiously as though he's enraptured by your resilience. “No. But he will.”

Your nostrils flare, eyes darting to where Liam’s still struggling to break himself free. His eyes are dark, cerulean replaced with black onyx as the rage consumes him.

“You underestimate us,” you say simply; your chin juts out indignantly. “We’re not telling you shit.”

Your ribs are next to break with a sickening crunch, and when you scream, the sharp yell of your boyfriend takes up all the space left in your brain. It's all you hear, all you can decipher through the thick cotton wadded into your ears, the only thing you can manage past the searing flames that set your body alight with agony. Your lids start to droop, lips parting to croak something indiscernible; and Liam's begging, pleading with you to stay conscious, but even as you gaze up at him through sticky, tear-soaked lashes, the darkness wraps its cruel fingers around your throat and you can't fend it off.

You don't know how many days it's been when your eyes peel open, glued shut with sleep. Every nerve ending in your body ignites, set aflame with pure, unrelenting excruciation. Your chest heaves and the movement triggers another cataclysmic inferno; a sob claws its way from your throat almost involuntarily, your body relying purely on survival instincts.

Xaden's standing over you in an instant, a warm palm cradled against the curve of your jaw to keep you still when you shout and thrash, trying to rid yourself of the unyielding pain that courses through your veins like liquid fire.

"Shh, shh." He's doing his best to placate you, but you're manic, eyes wide and frantic as you attempt to orientate yourself in the room.

"Liam," you croak. "Where's Liam?"

"He's okay. He's fine. I need you to stay calm, okay?" A tear slips past your clogged waterline and runs over Xaden's knuckle, his thumb following its downward path to brush it away.

"I want Liam," you wheeze, a pain that transcends physicality blooming into your aching chest. "Please."

There's a scuffle and a flash of blonde before Liam is crouching at your side, a thick fingered hand anchoring against the top of your head.

"I'm right here, my girl. You didn't think I'd leave you alone, did you?"

You shake your head vehemently despite the throbbing in your temples, your own fingers looping around his wrist to keep him close, to keep him touching you.

"It hurts, Li," you whimper, and it's the first sign of true weakness he's seen you expose in this long, painful week. You're safe to fall apart now, safe with the knowledge that he'll help you put yourself back together.

"I know. We just need to get you fixed up and you'll feel better."

He tips forward on his toes to press his cheek to yours, and the warmth of his breath tickles at the shell of your ear. His face turns, nose squishing into the soft flesh of your cheek, lips puckered in a kiss against the corner of your mouth. You feel the scab, long dried over, and the groove in his lip where it's split; when he tilts his head sideways to watch you, your eyes fix on it.

"You're hurt," you sniffle. "It's my fault."

"Oh, this old thing?" He waves you off, flippant as the tip of his finger prods at the dried skin. "Doesn't even hurt, angel. Don't you worry about me."

"I do worry about you."

You use the little strength you have left to turn on your side, tuning out Liam's abrupt protests until there'e enough room for two on the bed. He knows what you want from no more than a pleading glance.

"I can't-" he starts, and the complaints die in his throat when your fingers dig into the worn fabric of his uniform.

"I need you," you admit. His shoulders slouch in defeat.

"You promise to go to sleep?"

He lifts your tender body, propping you against a muscular forearm as he slides beneath you, and settling you between two thick thighs, your back to his chest. His warmth seeps into your pores and he feels you sag, only succumbing to the exhaustion now you know he's safe.

Fingernails scratch at your scalp and dimples crater into the centre of his cheeks when your head tilts to nuzzle deeper into the touch. The flaring pain resides to a dull - but manageable - ache.

"I'm tired," you say, muffled.

"I know, my girl." You don't miss the thrum of his pulse, the way it picks up when he catches sight of the deep bruises that mar your skin, the swelling from broken bones. He's angry.

And he's going to make them pay for this.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Okay every time I read one of your celtophobia posts I am filled with immediate and incandescent rage, enough to propulse the responsible idiots into space but not to bring them back again. I'm really sorry about the """""lecturer"""""" you had to sit through this morning, and any other instances that happen. Hugs.

That said, I am very worried of doing the same thing and want to make my utmost sure I don't, so I thought it'd be okay to ask someone from a language that has to fight for space for politeness tricks. Apologies if this is not okay!

Context: I'm from continental Europe, which means English is my second language (I speak three languages and a half ish, the half is in process, because #languagenerd). I'm moving to Ireland come September, and I'm absolutely terrified of offending the good Irish people when I don't know how to pronounce their names, surnames, street names, or anything else; or, worse, try and end up butchering them in the manner of the British.

Dilemma: How can I ask for help when pronouncing things in a delicate way? I was thinking of signing up to Irish courses once I'm there, but for now I'm panicking about the actual move so I can't get a head start with that because my brain space is limited, and other than watching YouTube videos with the most common Irish names/words ahead of arriving, I honestly don't know. I want to be culturally sensitive and make sure they feel respected and not Colonised, Part Three Hundred, but also they shouldn't have to bear the weight of my lack of cultural knowledge and Teach Me? Idk. Just thoughts.

Good question! I suppose it's a two-part procedure:

Step 1: Learn a pronunciation guide. By that I just mean get to grips with the alphabet, common phonemes, etc and how those are said. With something like Welsh it's super easy (because phonetic), something like English it's super hard (because not phonetic); Irish is a bit more complex than Welsh, but still more phonetic than English. You might not be able to get to a "perfect every time" place, but you can get yourself to a "right most times" place.

Step 2: If you encounter a name you aren't 100% sure of, offer your best educated guess when asking. This shows that you have done the work, you are making a genuine attempt, but you still have the humility to ask to make sure.

When I say "best educated guess", I mean it's clear that you're guessing based on a working knowledge of the language rules in question. In Welsh, for example, if someone asks me how to pronounce "Cymru", there is a world of difference between someone saying "Sim-roo" (based on English pronunciation rules transposed onto Welsh) and "Kim-ree" (based on Welsh pronunciation rules, they just forgot which pronunciation of 'y' to use for the syllable it's in.) If someone says to me "How do you say that? Sim-roo?" then I know they haven't attempted any prior learning (though points for being interested enough to ask.) But if they say "Am I right in thinking it's Kim-ree?" then I know they've made the effort themselves, they've done the work, they just have a carry error that's skewed the answer.

Plus, you may well be right! And will be right more and more often the longer you're in Ireland.

If it helps, there's an Irish pronunciation guide here that's pretty good (or was back when I used it), and teanglann.ie is a pretty good resource for this, as it's a dictionary that lets you hear the words aloud and explains grammatical uses. (Irish people please feel free to add any other resources to the notes if you feel so inclined!)

As a final note, mind, given that you don't have time atm to dedicate brain space to this, speaking as a Welsh person I would be absolutely fine with someone saying to me "Sorry, I haven't had chance to learn yet, how do I say this?", or some variant thereof. Or, frankly, anything that's just... a polite request, and not laughing about it. I would take a thousand instances of "How do I say that? Sim-roo?" over even one "I don't know how to say that, haha" because the former is still caring enough to ask. So don't panic! A polite request will see you right.

[captainmera]

Depression has hit me really hard, and a lot of things are happening at the same time.

I'm simultaneously burnt out and on the verge of a collapse, but like... I can't really do anything about it. I'm just sort of waiting for the stick to break so I can work thru it and move along.

I can't even focus on important things like replying to mails without my brain circumventing into something else.

Avpd and burnout is putting me in a constant brain fog these days. And severe maladaptive daydreaming.

I'm trying to be social and grounded, but I feel like everything around me is drowned in mist, and when I speak, it's through molasses.

I know I'm disappointing ppl by putting certain things on hold, like fanfics, my comic, or asks. But I just can't do it r/n. it will come in whatever speed it comes at.

And frankly I'm just too fried and tired to extend more than a sigh of empathy to your frustration with me. I understand you, I do. But I'm just some guy. I'm not getting paid. I'm broke and tired, and I can't be arsed to even be upset.

Atm, I'm doing this Caleb-focused comic mainly just to do something else than hyperventilate or maladaptive daydream. It's helping me have some control over what I disappear into, something physical, rather than sit on the floor and stare off into space.

I could do it for ibwr, I should be putting that energy there.

But there's some stressful things going on there with contracts and whatnot that's put a damper on things. Money is stressful. At least a stressful damper. So it's difficult to concentrate on it with that humming in the background, y'know?

Anyway.

Bear with me, please. I know people are impressed by my productivity and speed - but it's not so impressive once you know I'm just unwell and trying to cope. I also have a lot of time on my hands.

I'm fine, really, I am. /GEN I just can't do four projects at once. I can do two tops. And right now it's the caleb comic and IBWR. That's it.

I'm aware it's not super great to work so much when I'm burnt out.

But know that I'm choosing one pest lesser than another greater pest. So the constant "REST!!" Comments aren't, like, fantastic. I just feel ashamed for not being better than I am or being able to practice what I preach.

Lo and behold, being mentally unwell and not being wholesome healthy about it. Who would've known it is complicated to be unwell, actually? /LHJ /GEN /notSarcasm

I know I don't owe anybody anything. But I just kinda wanted to have a sigh and vague-post-gesture at what I'm standing in to the void of the Internet.

Because I do get comments and asks asking where an update is, or why I didn't draw their ask, or why I'm putting energy in X instead of Y, etc.

So I'm just......... I'm just gonna like....... ignore it. It's not personal.

I love and appreciate your love for my work, I really do. Thank you for all of your excitement and your feedback. Its been a delight. /GEN

But... I'm just gonna have to ignore what the majority of people crave from me and do what I want in the pace I need to do it.

okay? :(

Look. Just allow it fam.

Just allow it.

Using memes to try to communicate some essence of lightheartedness.

[were--ralph]

this is gonna be phrased kind of jokingly but actually i think it's kind of revolutionary to me to think about the idea of someone who was assigned male at birth and still identifies as male expressing wanting a vagina. i know enough cis women who have expressed wanting a dick, but i always kind of chalked that up to how easier a penis seems to be.

i'm a transmasc nb and pretty content with my structure (although i wish i had more of a t dick) but have never really considered that a cis guy might prefer different plumbing. your post might have been joking, but even if you were just joking, it kind of brought that to light for me

if you do get a boy pussy though i hope it gets put to good use o7

Oh I've talked about this a few times but as a kid I wanted and felt like I should have both parts and it never went away but seeing men with vaginas kinda refired my brain and I still want both parts but know I can't have both.

But seeing men with vaginas is like I want that for me I've had a dick for 30 years and I can say with confidence I do not want it anymore lol. Don't get me wrong it's a great dick I just like. Feel disconnected from it and I feel like I'd be happier without it

That being said I'm still happy to identify as male or nb or whatever space I occupy atm. I have no intention of identifying as female so I don't think im trans I just want a vagina. And not even fully for sex stuff. That's a bonus I guess I just want it and I want it now

[majimasleftasscheek]

Hi, im very sorry if this has already been answered or established somewhere else but im curious, with your Kazumaji stuff, around what time did they start dating (i.e. after the events of Yakuza 0 and all that) and how?

tbh, I dunno!

I don't really have an established date for that cuz sometimes I'm like man they'd be really cute during y0 and then other times I set it between post y0 and the beginning of y1. The latest they would start me thinks is some months after the events of y1 but in general it sorta depends on how I'm feeling and what silly scenarios play in my head

ideas under the cut tho 👀

if we're talking y0: I like to think Kiryu has to go to Sotenbori for some reason, be it business or he's there with Nishiki for some partying. he sees Majima at the Grand being depressed and is like "damn girl those bags under your eyes makes my dick go *boing sound effect*" and asks him out 🥺 Kiryu gets rejected immediately cuz Majima's in this cycle of 'I deserve nothing but pain and suffering' but Kiryu can't read the room so he is persistently showing up at the Grand despite Majima very obviously wanting to kick his ass. eventually he relents and goes on cute™ dates with Kiryu and realizes oof maybe human intimacy be kinda gucci

if between y0 and y1: Majima's fresh in his mad dog era starting shit with people just to be annoying and Kiryu's one of his targets mainly due to the events of y0. he's kinda like "lol this goober really did some important plot stuff, huh?" and his curiosity gets the better of him because Kiryu is an enigma who eats bugs and Majima cannot suppress his need to get some sense of understanding on this weirdo. in this timeline, it's more one-sided affection from Majima that comes in the form of stabbing while Kiryu is desperately trying to fight the gay allegations and failing. eventually he caves but it's a sorta unofficial, on and off thing that Kiryu doesn't really know how to evaluate for himself. Majima doesn't really care what they are since he's high on life atm and has a cute dude with big boobs on his arm

if during y1: literally just everything Majima Everywhere. Goromi. GOROMI 😩💦 Kiryu is all: I LIKE PUSSY but everyone's like okay big man then why's Majima pole dancing for you huh. the two braincells he has start to click and he realizes maybe Majima wants to hold hands or something unthinkable like that. ngl I like to think Kiryu's thing for Yumi is like a demisexual bi thing where he's like, I do love her but she don't zap my brain quite like the bowlcut freak who knows how to punch me real good and it becomes sorta his personal introspective journey during this time. Majima is also floating in the space of am I doing this for his benefit cuz "training" or am I falling for this dork. he's pretty sad about it cuz of the Saejima reminder vibes but eventually Kiryu falls into his own person that Majima really meshes with and the two of them struggle to actually voice how they feel all the while their pants are down in some dirty alley

if after y1: (going to insert shit from a fic I'm working on) Kiryu's absolutely devastated with what happened in the Millennium Tower + now having to take care of Haruka that he's shut himself off from everyone and everything other than doing the bare minimum to live. in comes Majima being a menace like yo you can't like, let a child parent herself you gotta get outta this slump and Kiryu's all fuck you stop breaking into my house. so it's a long pain in the ass process to help Kiryu deal with his grief while Majima keeps unintentionally making googoo eyes at him and both of them are like boy I sure hope this doesn't awaken anything within me. there's also a lotta dadjima stuff going on and Kiryu's like wowie zowie so you do have a heart and Majima's like no way loser while being just 😳👉👈

[coriander-candlesticks]

Today's thing I'm turning over in my brain: resisting the urge to go "this person whose insights I respect does this thing x way so if I do it y way I'm Wrong and Bad" because like. That's not true? At all? Obviously there are limits but the limit is, like, being a folkist, not conceptualizing incredibly individual aspects of worship in slightly different ways.

Offerings, for example. I tend to offer steam in place of burning offerings for meals because I don't have a good way to burn food at the moment and it feels wasteful. If applicable, I'll also set aside what seems to be the best portion and eat it last in recognition of the offering. This is because I:

1) have makeshift altar spaces atm that don't leave much space for more involved meal offerings

2) conceptualize food offerings to ouranic deities as something you share in thanks (even w/ libations, you drink what you don't pour out). Offering the steam (analogous to smoke imo) and eating the meal/drinking the beverage is in that category to me. It's also a way to actively remember the gods, because I'm consciously leaving a portion for last, have dedicated something I can physically see, etc.

3) live in a house that bugs get into easily and have no intention of drawing the little fuckers towards my room or altar spaces b/c I left too much food out for too long. This is also why I eat unwrapped food offerings after a certain point (usually the end of the day) on top of wanting to avoid waste.

On top of that, any sort of prayer or offering takes effort because everything takes conscious effort for me. Regardless of whether it's a food or meal offering, or a libation, or a devotional/dedicatory activity, I'm not only managing to actively remember it and the gods but am also taking the requisite time and energy to complete it.

Engaging with the Hellenic community has really helped me stretch my "doing things differently is okay" muscles which has been nice. Call that character development lol

[dorkydiaz]

TUMBLR BREAK ANNOUNCEMENT

hii, i am going on vacation for like the next tenish days and need a break from tumbles <3 i wrote a big long dramatic note originally but it felt too *handwaves* it's under the cut if you wanna read more about why i feel like i need to take time away, but basically i have lost some of the joy of being here and creating and havent actually taken a proper break since 2021...so yeah! if you wanna reach out on discord or if you have my number pls do! it is not a moratorium on friendship :P just the hellsite. if you want a way to contact me over the next ten days and don't have a way to do so, i will be around for the rest of today so shoot me a DM and we will figure it out! see ya on the flipside, ily!

The other thing I have kinda stopped doing more unintentionally is reblogging sets and stuff, and I really don’t know why. I feel like I used to do that a lot more, and be far more expressive in the tags cause I know that is one of my favorite things about creating so I want to give that to others as well. And it feels as tho I am fulfilling an obligation when I reblog rather than expressing my love for the creation.

I have also not been reading basically any fics and I am hoping that my new glasses will help that situation but idk that I can actually catch up to all the things that I have missed no matter how excited I was to read them 😭

It just feels like being here is more work than it’s worth and I am letting people down atm, including myself. And this is supposed to be my happy, safe, creative space and it just isn’t right now and I want it to return to that.

Right now kinda presents a perfect opportunity since I will be traveling, visiting family, meeting new people over the next ten or so days so it just works very well to take an intentional pause. also i have been meaning to take a serious break since like...may, and several things kept me from doing so, but now all those things are past-- or at least will still exist to create for when i come back. as well as complicated things in my brain coming to a head.

so! i will be gone for a bit, i think it's like ten days or so to focus on my travels and existing as a person outside my apartment and outside tumblr. And when i get back i hope to do a little celebration of sorts 😉

if you have my discord or number feel free to hmu/ chat/ check-in! and if you don't have that and would like to contact me over this time, send me a DM today and we can sort it out!

i love you all! see ya in september <3

[thejockout]

Update: It's been a while!

Hey all. Been quite a bit since I've been active here; lot of life stuff going on that's contributed to that, but most of it's resolved now and I'm planning a pretty active return to the scene imminently. I've got some announcements on that front that I'll try to keep brief, but I think anyone who's enjoyed my content in the past will be happy to hear them.

First and foremost, I'm going to be returning to file-making soon (end of 2023 or early 2024) with regularly scheduled releases. (My precise schedule is TBD, but I'm aiming to be release either once weekly or once fortnightly depending on how much of a backlog I can create.) I've got ideas/concepts for 20 files written out atm which would amount to either 5 months of weekly releases/10 months of fortnightly releases once written and recorded. But obviously some of those ideas might not work so well in practice/I'll obviously come up with new ones along the way too, so that number's in flux. I'm going to try to write and record ten before launching any of them, so that I don't leave a huge gap between them again. But I think you guys'll like them, there's something for everyone in what I'm planning to make. There'll be content like what I've made before, but sfw and nsfw, attending a variety of kinks I'm into.

Included in these releases are going to be updated versions of my more popular, previous files. At the moment, the files I am planning to remake are Chill Out, Bro; Blink's Good Boy; All Pups are Good Pups; and The Bigger You Are. Some of these I want to remake for reasons of audio quality, but others I straight up want to rewrite portions of to bring them more up to my current standards. I've run out of space on Soundcloud and a premium account is expensive, so I'm racking my brain for a better storage alternative. At the moment, Soundgasm is an OK backup, but I'm also considering just straight up trying Youtube/Tumblr's own audio system/Patreon's audio system on a free basis to see if they work alright. Speaking of which...

To support this expanded venture, I'm also going to be opening a Patreon + selling specific, exclusive files either by subscription to said Patreon or via platforms like Gumroad and other appropriate audio file vendors. I don't plan for all my content to be locked behind a paywall, of course. I'm planning some kind of dual channel release system where I have a certain amount of files that will be free, and then others behind subscription. But for those who don't like the idea of monthly subs, I'll be putting my Patreon-exclusive files on a third party purchase platform like Gumroad, Ko-Fi, or another suitable alternative. I appreciate that all my files previously having been free will make this annoying to some, but I am flat baroque... and realistically, each file being 4-10 hours of work (dependent on complexity) means that I really want to be seeing SOME income from this if I'll be putting a lot of time in. That's why at current, the final announcement I'm making is that:

I am now taking commissions. I've done 3 commissions in total at this point and had been keeping quiet about it while I didn't know what I was doing with the Jockout account generally, but I am now available to write and record custom hypnosis files for listeners. I'm hesitant to provide a flat rate because the cost of a file usually does come down to its complexity/length, but somewhere in the ballpark of 50-80 dollars is what I'm currently valuing the time spent on a file at, unless you want something crazy simple or crazy complicated that'll price outside that range. I'm in a Euro territory, so 50 dollars amounts to about 4 hours of minimum wage work here, which is pretty low for the amount of time a good file takes; but I appreciate that high barriers to entry are going to put people off, and I feel that way myself when commissioning. You can DM me here if you want to discuss a commission idea.

All in all, I'm pretty excited with what I hope will be the future trajectory of my page. I'm having fun learning more about hypnosis/exploring new ideas in writing, and I hope you'll all enjoy the fruits of that too! 'Til next time :)

[starscelly]

Get to Know Me! tysm for the tag @maxkeplers !!

Do you make your bed? nooo but i also dont use like .. the sheets on the bed. i just lay on top of them and use as many blankets as needed

Favorite number? 9 or 29! birth day !

What's your job? im a student please dont bring my unemployment up at this hour. who wants to pay me to do nothing all day my old boss don't want me anymore

If you could go back to school, would you? im in the hellish depths of college! so i guess yes. in september.

Can you parallel park? this was a no until i tried for the first time in 3 years a couple weeks ago! and yes i can apparently!

Do you think aliens are real? don't feel super strongly abt it but yeah

Can you drive a manual car? no but i delusionally believe i could do it if i tried like once

Guilty pleasure? does the intense insta stalking i do in the summer count

Tattoos? just one so far! my brother and i have matching tattoos on our thighs

Favorite color? greeeeen.... especially a nasty chartreuse if u will

Favorite type of music? i guess punk in general but im an I Listen To Everything person and i'm on a country and hip hop kick atm

Do you like puzzles? not really i dont like things that will take up a lot of Space (which ik is stupid for an artist but . well) but i enjoy like. like an escape room type deal. a brain puzzle if u will

Any phobias? BUGS especially spiders but all bugs

Favorite childhood sport? i bounced between a couple sports as a kid but never played basketball on a team even tho it was probably my favorite. i did rlly like soccer as well. i just sucked ass at all of it!

Do you talk to yourself? yes always. im a certified yapper. and i cant hear myself in my own brain so

Tea or coffee? i have an arizona iced green tea Problem we don't need to talk about here in front of everyone. ok.

First thing you wanted to be when growing up? probably a vet? or a gymnast?

What movies do you adore? my letterboxd top 4 is scream, the russian five, ocean's eleven, and slc punk. because i am the Worlds Most Unbearable Man. honorable mention to stick it. follow me on letterboxd im so unfunny i promise

no pressure tagging!!: @oetter @stickypucky @saltandpepperbox @kitnita @eliooliver83

[hier--soir]

hi angel !!

not trying to be a nuisance, just out of sheer curiosity, do you have an idea of when we can expect the new chapter of alp?

obviously take all the time you need!!! and seriously, thank you for everything you do for us. you're amazing.

hey lovey! asking is fine, don't worry haha

honestly the goal was by the end of november, which clearly hasn't happened lol. i'm pretty under the weather atm, and lately i've just found myself having a lot of fun writing one shots and random little ideas. ALP is quuuuite the undertaking to write, and i haven't felt that up to it the past few weeks. i do write a little bit of it most days though!

also i wanna post a christmassy one shot at the some point soon! so that's taking up a bit of brain space. hopefully ALP7 will be finished and ready to share at some point in the coming week or so, but i don't want to promise anything.

i really appreciate the patience and understanding as i give love to some other ideas and characters and take my time with ALP - i never want to force it or make it feel like a chore, ya know?

[system-of-a-feather]

A thing I do have to say, as a system / trauma survivor on the very active form of coping and survival (flight and fight), I really struggle to understand, empathize with (even just cognitively), and sympathize with those with the more passive forms of coping and survival (freeze and fawn) towards trauma, anxiety, depression, etc and I have to regularly keep myself in check when seeing it to NOT judge just because I don't really understand it.

Cause every time I just internally go "Okay well STOP being sad for yourself and get yourself going to fix your situation, look do this" - not in a "I'm better than you" or "Its your fault" way but in a "why aren't you doing anything" based on the fact that whenever I'm having A Time, I (as a whole) tend to GO. We don't experience long periods of fawn or freeze and usually those are in transition or just briefly to recover from our constant fight-flight nature.

I don't understand passive coping past a logical theoretical level. I understand that people cope that way, I understand that it is often a distraction / soothing behavior or the most they feel they can do because their brain tends to shut down rather than activate - I understand that it is hyporegulation and I get that on a face level.

But on a personal level? I can't put myself in the shoes. I can't imagine what it would be like or what line of thinking / feeling would drive that. I can't see into it at all. I don't really know the best thing to do to help someone in those modes and defer to the assumed best safe answer of giving space and leaving an open door / ear, but it's extremely foreign of a concept.

From my perspective, I see it and it just looks sad and miserable and - because of my extreme specialized end of coping - I just go "how are you SITTING there? it looks miserable!" cause again, the LAST thing I do as a heavy hyper regulated cope-r, is sit.

I dunno, I'm just sitting and analyzing the differences in coping patterns cause my boy is having a Time atm and I'm like "Google, try to generate a plan with our non-existent empathy and failing cognitive empathy"

Anyways, if anyone wants to share / explain their experiences with either end of coping or wants to give me tips and ideas of how to help someone who leans to depressive-style coping than mine. Not in any urgent situation cause I've talked with him some and have a good general preferred sort of thing but like

This shit always confuses me. I'm too.... a lot of things to understand this beyond a theoretical hyper rationalized manner.

(Also if anyone can explain this to me, you have the right to explain this to me like I'm a 8 year old kid if you like cause thats probably about as much as I understand it and its fair. I am always so bewildered as to how that kind of coping Works and thus always confused as to how to best help someone that copes in such a way)

[silv3reyedstranger]

20 Questions

thank you @appropriatelystupid for tagging me! i just finished my french exam this morning so doing this is an awesome way to spend my afternoon🥳

How many works do you have on AO3?

i was not aware that i had seven written and posted?? that's wild :0

2. What's you total AO3 count?

31,822 words?? also a massive surprise since i don't write or post nearly as often as i'd like...but hey, i'll take the win!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

okay, so obviously supercorp lives rent free in my head, but i'm also deeply entrenched in the cissamione and bellamione fandoms. i've got a fuck ton of wips for them, but i haven't put much out yet. however, recently, rojarias (reignjas) has been taking up ALL my brain space—i'm dying to write a lawyer au.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

erm. well, since i only have seven, i'll give you the top two? 1st: i'm home when i'm with you...2nd: this color looks better on you than me

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i used to be really into and really good about responding to comments because i really appreciate every single one (and i still do) but it took a lot out of me and made me a little anxious, so i don't do it anymore. that being said, i still love and cherish every single comment that's ever been left!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm really not the biggest fan of angsty endings, so i don't write them very much. i'd much prefer piling on the angst throughout and giving them a happy ending. there's too much sadness and grief in the world already, i feel like everyone should get a happy ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oo, okay, i'm not sure about happiest since they feel pretty even, but if i really had to pick maybe oh how love stings?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i don't currently, which i think is in part because of how lovely most people in the fandoms i'm in now are, but years ago i wrote a dramione fic and people had a lot (which wasn't necessarily hate, but it was still unnecessary) to say about that.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

i've tried on occasion, but let's just say i'm still working out the kinks (pun intended)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i don't and i don't think i will anytime in the near future because i feel like a lot of planning will have to go into that and i don't have the brain space right now. but secondly, i don't feel an immediate urge to merge any two worlds currently.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

luckily, no, not that i'm aware of—hopefully it stays that way!

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had someone ask in my comments before, but as mentioned above i don't really answer comments and i'm still not sure if i'm entirely comfortable with translations even if it allows a larger audience access to the fic.

13. have you ever cowritten a fic before?

i was working on one with @glitterslytherin a few years back, but we never quite got much of it finished haha

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

it's gotta be supercorp, but currently, rojarias and cissamione have me in a chokehold (i suppose i'm on my supercorp detox atm? maybe i'll be able to churn out fics after this little break)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i think this applies to all my WIPs to be honest. obviously i want to finish them all, but motivation is a bitch and she tends to come and go as she pleases XD

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'd like to think i do a pretty good job with dialogue. i used to be better at descriptions, but i think the balance has tilted the last couple of years.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

being able to just write and not edit on the way (another reason i rarely finish things) also planning is very much not my forte💀

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

while i am bilingual and almost trilingual, i do tend to stick with english since i feel like it's jarring to have a bit of a different language suddenly pop up and then the reader has to read the translation. and two, i'm not even grammatically accurate in english all the time, so forget about another language!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh, this is so mortifying...i believe it was percy jackson, but following closely behind was harry potter.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

i don't think i love any of the fics i have out at the moment—like, don't get me wrong, i'm super proud of them—but there's not one finished one that parades in my head all the time. the rojarias lawyer au and a supercorp orchestra au are constantly being thought about though?

tagging a couple of mutuals if ya'll wanna take part!

@theredcapeofk @yanana94 @belladonnainbloom @coffeeshib @naralanis @an-organism

[davepetea]

((just ranting abt writing fanfics you can ignore me lmao. I'm just in a weird place atm but I'm feeling kinda passionate abt writing rn so I'm gonna vent

originally I wrote a lil of this in the tags but then decided to just chuck it under a readmore so people aren't subjected to it against their will. then it got really long.

I'm not actually expecting anyone to read this im just sorta venting to myself. it helps me get my thoughts sorted if I write them down. I can also look back through my #.vat file tag in a few years from now and hopefully be like "wow I'm doing so much better than THAT now", so if that's the case, hi future Vatta! I hope you're having a good day. and if you're not future me, then I still hope you're having a good day, I love you, and this is your chance to turn back bc my rants are boring and LONG

(not turning back yet? ok. your funeral)

so, I haven't been online much bc I've just been in a weird limbo lately and I'm really busy when I'm at home either sorting stuff out or, with my PDA, doing anything I can to avoid my responsibilities lmao

I've been rereading my Tokyo ghoul light novels (I only have Void and Days ? I think they're called), rewatching Zankyou no Terror, and Bungou Stray Dogs (plus the live action Beast film which was? hilarious but I don't think it was supposed to be), and just suffering lmao

(you're still here? wow. you need a hobby. jk. ily)

I've been locked out of the systems at work for a bit, but I still need to be there and wait for the IT ticket to be sorted, so I've gotta be at my desk, cant have my phone or anything, so instead of sitting there doing nothing, I've either been reading, doing codeword puzzles, or I've been writing up 'drafts' for potential fanfics.

in this year of our sufferer 2024. I've been writing up some self indulgent homestuck college AU lmao. I've written over 60 sides of a5, (not inc the inbetween sections where I wrote some stuff on the chromebook at home) some notes, some accidental first draft, bc I wanted something to take up the time. but my handwriting is terrible, I don't write fast enough for my brain, I have a lil dyslexia so the letters and words get jumbled sometimes, and I have this weird thing where I don't do spaces right. but I've been trying to upload it to Google docs with Bixby's photo text extraction. it's pretty good considering how bad my writing is, then I just need to go through and touch it up, the main issues are things like names, there's some letters I do weird like my v turns into an r, or every p it thinks is a capital, but overall. amazing how technology do that.

(see my long ass rambling isn't just confined to venting. I also pretend to write actual things. you can still leave you know. I'm not holding you hostage until you read all this. you have free will)

can't remember how I ended up back in fanfic hell but I read back through like all my old published fics (aside from the cringe ones I orphaned) and the writing isn't terrible. I don't think I actually finished any of them though, which really shows my true nature lmao,,, but I've picked up a few things on my writing style now. and I've got a few things I see other people do that I wanna avoid bc I personally don't like it, and it's mostly about balance, like using names too often/not enough, being too descriptive like All The Time and making the writing really nice, but not much happens in the story so you take like an hour to read each scene, vs not enough description so everything is happening but you don't really get a visual or a breather to appreciate what's happened so far. I've been working on finding my right balance, which is imo easier if you're writing fanfic bc first up you hardly ever have to describe the characters. if someone's reading it they already know who they are. and for scenes you can take some inspo from the source material. does the original work put alot of effort into setting a cool scene? if not, then you don't have to either! if it's 90% scenery then you've gotta do it too I don't make the rules

I'm losing steam now I'm so sleepy and I've gotta go to work in a bit ugh.

(bet you're sleepy reading this too huh. told you it'd be boring)

I've been thinking about trying out writing some BSD fics but on an anonym not linked to my main Ao3, bc the themes are doozys and I kinda just wanna have the freedom of anonymity. also I'm a baby and if someone publicly criticises my stuff without it being a requested critique then it makes me bleh (I've had a few comments in the past of just general negatives, not even constructive feedback, not that I asked for any anyway...), but the abilities are tricky to write for, so it's effort lol

anyway I'm gonna stop now ive gotta get ready for work

(if you actually read this then thanks for going on this emotion deep dive with me. tune in next week when we'll get back to my usual mental breakdown)

[cassyapper]

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way because I absolutely love Kakyoin's effeminacy and wouldn't get rid of it ever, but it sometimes feels like that one word being in his bio forever doomed him to people being weird about him bc while the traits are undeniably there, he's not really that much more effeminate than other jojo characters, yet they seemingly don't suffer this same sorta weirdness. Ofc people are weird for other reasons, but Kakyoin's femininity seems to be one of those key things. I sometimes wonder how much less prevalent the gay femboy trophy husband interpretation of him would be if that wasn't there.

Again sorry if that comes off wrong. I'm not sure how else to word that thought atm (it's really late here and my brain doesn't wanna function)

no honestly i super agree anon dont worry i get exactly what you're saying here. i agree it feels like people saw that single part of his bio and didnt care to even finish the fuckin sentence it was in which was "he may appear to be effeminate, but in reality, he hates submitting and sucking up to others". he is a character built on complementary contradictions but people hate nuance (esp in fandom spaces) more than anything so they pick one side and run with it and NEITHER on its own is right and ugh. it pisses me off. and since im involved in (non-reddit) fandom spaces i (and i assume u) see the gay femboy trophy husband the most and it's just exhausting honestly cause it's just so ooc. and is imo indicative of larger societal issues about how people see gnc men, particularly asian men, but it is also very late for me in my timezone so i aint gonna get into all that

basically my point is: i get what ur saying. i love kakyoin's femininity and i love it being written explicitly so i can own the dudebros who try to say he wouldnt wear a dress or skirt or whatever, but i also hate that it was written explicitly cause now we have clamp and such fellow-minded people and it's exhausting cause it makes so many people unable to be normal about kakyoin

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/729217065878192128/httpsolderthannetfictumblrcompost72921384036?source=share

My trouble with this is that in a multifandom exchange, I feel like I'm often really excited and full of prompts for some fandoms more than others. It's not just about meeting the minimum sign-up requirement; I would genuinely enjoy content for any of the fandoms I sign up with, but some are currently taking up more of my brain space so I have more to say about them and more prompts. Or there are some I'm pickier about what I want with, or just have a more specific idea of what I'm looking for with the exchange, whereas with others... I'm not "up for whatever," obviously, but there's a wider spate of things I'm open to and as long as they respect my DNWs, I'm genuinely excited to just see what the writer comes up with.

But I always feel a bit bad - because maybe my writer just doesn't know the fandom I'm most excited about in that letter, or maybe they really want to write on one of the other ones. I don't want to give the impression that I'm not as interested in fic from one of them (even though there are obviously some fandoms I'm hoping for more) or that I won't appreciate what they write just because they didn't match me on the fandom where I wrote a long long thing.

There's also the fact that I'm super busy atm and I've found that the pressure to write a lengthy letter tends to mean I psych myself out of writing much at all. But I want to write *something* because I've been in those exchanges where the giftee gives you nothing, or one really shitty, vague prompt you have no ideas for.

Weirdly, some of the really mediocre fic I've had has been on the fandoms I'm detailed about, because the person tried to accommodate like every single little thing I liked or too many prompts at once and it ended up feeling very too-many-cooks and toothless. Or, if I requested multiple ships for that fandom, they tried to do the same thing with all of them and didn't grasp (sometimes even despite my letter saying so or heavily implying) that the prompt in question only really worked for one of those ships, and so the other one felt OOC.

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