#i don't know if it's the mental illness or if i'm seriously simply like this

[septxwber]

it's so unsettling to get out of the shadows

[foone]

It's sometimes hard to talk about silly counterfactual or just bad theories, because other people don't always understand the difference between "I'm making up a bad idea because it's amusing to me to consider the ramifications and functionality of a clearly bad idea" and "I have untreated schizophrenia".

Because the former is funny and amusing to me! I love it. And the second is... Not. It's mean to laugh at people's mental illness. And even if the content sometimes is similar, it's the larger context of it that makes it unfun to laugh at, at least for me. Maybe this doesn't bother other people as much?

It's like when I talk about weird computer ideas and someone goes "oh like TempleOS?" and it's... No! I'm into doing silly things with computers because I find that amusing and funny. I do not find TempleOS to be anything of the sort.

If the same content existed, but by someone who did it as a joke? Instead of someone with an admitted mental illness who got lolcow'd to death by 4chan? Yeah it'd be hilarious! I'd be all over that shit. But I know the background to why it's like this, and that is simply not funny to me. Enough so that it ruins any possible enjoyment for me. So TempleOS is nothing but a sad story to me, of a brilliant programmer who suffered from a severe mental illness that he eventually died from.

Maybe it's just my own struggles with mental health and all, but I just can't enjoy those kinds of things. Maybe it's just that other people don't as easily recognize the difference between "this bad idea is being explored for the amusement of the author, who is fully aware of how bad it is" and "this idea is being written about seriously by an author suffering from a severe mental illness".

Though if that was the case, you'd expect there to be more people assuming my writing is schizophrenic? Which basically never happens, it's just people going "oh this is like..." and naming something that was written by someone with schizophrenia or other psychotic condition. Maybe the comparison doesn't bother others as much? It just sometimes feels like people are going "oh, your joke reminds me of this other thing that isn't funny and is just sad"

Anyways, just to be clear, I don't mean that I have anything against people suffering from mental illness (which I hope should be obvious to most people?), or even their writing. It's just that "wacky things" aren't funny to me when they're clearly being written by someone suffering some kind of psychosis. It's the laughing at it that I have a problem with.

Like it's one thing to laugh when your buddy randomly goes "cinnamon eyeglasses!" because they're being a weirdo. It's a completely different thing to laugh at someone saying that because they just had a stroke and parts of their brain aren't functioning anymore. That's a bit what it's like to go "lol, TempleOS is so weird!". You're laughing at someone's illness. And frankly that's just kind of a dick move no matter what, you know?

[sweet-evie]

I have so many thoughts and headcanons about the Gojo clan... You have no idea. 😭 Also, I'm talking out of my ass and everything I say is fictional and from pure imagination... Don't take it seriously.

The Gojo clan may or may not span 40 generations based off of how long ago Suguwara Michizane lived...

and ummm... That's a lot of generational wealth 🤯.

Imagine if you married into that -- married Satoru Gojo. You're automatically the highest-ranking woman in the family, on top of having access to all that money. 😆

Listen, some of the world's richest families like the Rockefellers currently span 7 generations and they're worth billions of dollars.

Damn I really need a full backstory on the 3 major clans. I need to know how rich they are and how they maintained and/or grew that wealth until the modern day.

There's plenty of drama and info on the Zen'in clan. We get crumbs and pieces about the Kamo clan...

But info on the Gojo clan is close to nada, and I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THEM DAMMIT! I'm so thirsty for more worldbuilding in JJK, you have no idea.

At this point, just seeing Satoru's parents would make me happy.

I have a headcanon that Gojo's family, apart from being sorcerers and political powers in the jujutsu community, are probably mixed bags of company shareholders, politicians, lawyers, philantropists, etc.

Yeah, it's said that the Gojo clan is a one-man army that consists of Satoru Gojo, but I interpret that as Satoru outshining every other family member -- especially every other practicing sorcerer in the family. (There's simply no surpassing the wielder of the Six Eyes and the Limitless technique).

The Gojo clan is a sorcerer clan first and upper tier members of Japanese society second.

Some of Satoru's male relatives are probably Shinto and Buddhist monks. The point is to have a foothold in influential religions among non-sorcerers.

I like to think that maybe one sorcerer in the clan has Limitless... maybe his grandpa, but the man was never as efficient with it as Satoru Gojo.

Maybe the majority of the sorcerers in the Gojo clan fight with Grade 1 cursed tools and good-old hand-to-hand imbued with cursed energy. Maybe other cursed techniques exist within the Gojo clan too... It's all just overshadowed by Satoru.

I also think the Big 3 actually tend to keep to themselves (e.g., the Zen'ins having their own military unit). Their spawns don't ALL go to Jujutsu High, do they? It's a choice for them rather than a necessity. Like, Jujutsu High was established primarily for sorcerers who come from "somewhat normal" backgrounds, unlike people from the Big 3. Satoru was born into jujutsu sorcery and it's the only life he's ever known, whereas people like Suguru who come from non-sorcerer families are brought into Jujutsu Tech to learn about what it means to be a part of jujutsu society, and to teach them that they're not, you know, mentally ill because they can see curses.

Quick side note, I imagine Jujutsu Tech as the bridge between the branch of the Japanese government that is aware of the existence of curses and the jujutsu society as a whole. It just kind of makes sense that way, especially when you consider where their funds to pay people come from -- not from thin air, that's for sure. I mean, how else do the higher-ups get the funding to pay their actively practicing sorcerers, especially the special-grades? Does jujutsu sorcerer pay roll come from citizens' tax money?

Also... On top of Satoru Gojo having access to his clan's generational wealth and assets, how much is he getting paid as an instructor at Jujutsu Tech? Is that salary separate from his special-grade sorcerer salary? Is he technically working 2 full-time jobs?

Man is rolling in cash...

Anyway, I want to circle back to the point that Satoru Gojo is the most active sorcerer in the Gojo clan when it comes to interacting with the higher-ups and being a constant presence in Jujutsu Tech. Obviously, his fingerprints are all over Jujutsu society politics as well.

I headcanon that Satoru comes from a big family, actually. Satoru is an only child, but I imagine lots of cousins and aunts and uncles and distant relatives, and the Gojo estate is probably one massive compound where most of the family lives. Like, they can live in that huge ass ancestral property if they want too... There's plenty of room.

The clan also likely owns several other properties and probably small temples or shrines across Japan. They have one ancestral seat and other properties. That goes for the Kamo and the Zen'in clans as well.

That real estate portfolio be popping.

As for actual size, think Heian estate in ancient Japan big. It's expansive.

Maybe the sorcerers in the family would be fond of living in the Gojo estate. The others, especially the ones who hold positions in the government or the military or who have public-facing jobs have their own homes registered under their own name, and not... you know... registered under the family with the clan head.

Another headcanon is that the clan head is capable of assigning properties and other clan assets to family members if he chooses to. Satoru Gojo can give away houses if he wants too, like a nobleman or European feudal lord. But for real, the Gojo clan might have been part of the nobility in ancient Japan, only losing their noble titles after the Imperial family changed the rules around the 1940s.

Speaking of, it's probably not a reach to assume, that the clan head has his fingers in many many honey pots. 🍯 That is to say, Satoru Gojo has access to more money than he can spend in a single life time. And after he's passed, maybe the money just goes back to the surviving members of the clan.

I need to know Satoru Gojo's net worth.

I think each of the Big 3 has their own hierarchy and their own family politics. Again, the Zen'ins are a prime example...

For the Gojo clan, I headcanon that there's a small council of elders -- people way older than Satoru. Satoru's own father is probably part of that. Put his grandfather and a couple of uncles and aunts in there too.

How do they work? I imagine it's pretty similar to how the Small Council functions in Game of Thrones. Like, there's someone in charge of managing finances, someone who keeps an ear on clan politics, someone who has a foothold in the national military, etc.

I imagine they have a bi-weekly gathering. They offer counsel, but the final decision in any dilemma they discuss always falls to the clan head -- Satoru Gojo.

I also headcanon that Satoru has a penthouse somewhere in Tokyo -- a place he considers as his own residence, away from clan politics and the rest of his probably snobby family.

But Satoru is always busy, so his penthouse is way too clean. It looks like no one lives there.

This is the vibe of the penthouse... I have his penthouse in my Sims 4 game.

Speaking of snobby... The Gojo's clan general reputation? I would say... They're intellectual people, some of them are likely obsessed with history, and rigid and formal when it comes to observing traditions. I imagine they have a tendency to be really elegant.

Whenever the Zen'ins look at them, the stereotypical thought is, "Look at those pompous, snobby, jackasses."

In the succeeding years since December 7, 1989, the Gojo clan's sense of pride has only grown, because well... The most powerful and strongest sorcerer of the modern age came through their lineage.

Needless to say, Satoru Gojo is the pride and power of the Gojo clan.

Satoru's parents were practicing Grade 1 sorcerers... really active in the field, and Satoru's grandfather was Clan Head for a time.

Satoru's mom retired from fieldwork after she married Satoru's dad and after she got pregnant and became a mom. I love my headcanon that she's a shrewd politician and is all about maintaining good standing with the elders while doing intelligence gathering. The woman maintains a network, so she's always in-the-know.

Satoru doesn't make it easy for his mom especially when he goes around and does what he wants. e.g., Becoming a benefactor to Megumi, saving Yuji and Yuta, etc. She's actively working to cover his tracks wherever she can.

Satoru's mom is actively looking for a wife for him, for obvious reasons. The plan never came to fruition because of the Shibuya incident and Ch #236.

Satoru's father is more politician than actively practicing sorcerer by the time Satoru was studying in Jujutsu Tech. He's all about maintaining solid relations with the other clans, the elders, and collaborating with the branch of Japanese government that knows of the existence of jujutsu sorcery. He probably works with the Japanese government too.

Satoru Gojo visits the family estate once in a while... for other business, but primarily for hearings and clan meetings. It's peculiar to look at during these meetings because Satoru is the only person in that room who isn't wearing traditional clothes. Like, I headcanon that he shows up in casual attire, or his Jujutsu Tech uniform, complete with the blindfold.

His mom probably tried to talk him into wearing traditional clothes for these meetings when he was younger, but it just never stuck. Satoru is Satoru, after all.

After Satoru Gojo passes away, I like to imagine the Gojo clan takes a bit of a backseat. It's probably the wiser course of action too, considering everything that's happened in Japan after October 31, 2018.

[I know some people think he's the only survivor of the Gojo clan, but you gotta think of the fact that he learned about Hollow Purple from some people. Someone taught him FBE as a kid.]

[bibibbon]

if we're talking personality disorders (of the cluster b variety). obvi its not 1=1 but its far more likely and reasonable to say toga has bpd (with izuku or ochako being her "favorite person") than aspd. also when people call villains (or characters they don't like (← seen this one more than the first tbh)) "unsympathetic psychopaths", it really feels like they know nothing about aspd, personality disorders, and how they form. It also just feels kind of ableist towards real people with aspd? idk maybe i'm seeing things that's aren't there

These people know that aspd (and other personality disorders) form due to outside factors right? obvi there's the genetic factors but that just increases the possibility. these outside factors typically tends to be factors that is in some way traumatic for the person in question like emotional/mental abuse or neglect (*gestures to dabi*)

if anything, based off of that alone, toga being a "psychopath" just makes her more sympathetic in my eyes and people around her even more unsympathetic than they already are and I doubt anyone calling her a "psychopath" without aspd in mind wants that

.

.

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this is also how i feel about people needless throwing around the word "narcissistic"* when it comes describing bakugo. (saying this as someone isn't a fan of him). bakugo with npd** could make him a more interesting if written correctly*** tbh and could probably be backed up in canon but in turn it would force people to seriously think and question if he actually had a good childhood and good parents… which from what i've seen alot of anti-bakugo people (including the ones that call him a "narcissistic") believe he has

*i'm sure there's bakugo stans out there call him "narcissistic" without npd in mind but atm i've only seen bakugo antis do that

**same with aspd

***without portraying bakugo as an ableist stereotype and/or excusing his actions

.

sorry abt the rant i'm just tired of the demonization surrounding personality disorders

You're definitely correct anon in saying that people tend to use words they either don't know the full meaning of or just mental health issues to demonise characters they don't like and this is a problem within all fandoms I have interacted with not only MHA.

When people use the words "psychopath" or "narcissist" it's rare to see them using it in the right context as most of the time it's used to demonise a character. For example take atla I have seen plenty of people label azula a psychopath but they do that to demonise and dehumanise her not to actually say that she is mentally ill. The same thing is done with characters like toga, Dabi, shigaraki and more!

Now I know that you're mainly quoting of the ask that @sapphic-agent sent me and actually she has made it clear that she doesn't view toga as psychopath and actually brought light to the issue of people dehumanising and purposefully misinterpreting the leauge. Now I don't know much about aspd in general but from what I have seen toga does seem to have some symptoms of aspd but it also makes sense to speculate that she may have BPD (none of this is cannonically confirmed but they would make for some interesting headcanons). Also like you mentioned it would be incredibly interesting to explore how toga got to such a mental state in the first place as mental health issues can happen to a variety of reasons for example or could be an environmental or social issue as we see that toga wasn't given the right support at home and was taught to simply build a mask and burry her urges deep down until it all broke and she broke, toga associated blood and cannibalism with love and self expression from early on. Also, it could be a biological factor since toga was born with a strong fascination for blood.

Overall, toga and her mental state is heavily influenced from all of those factors and it would be interesting if she was cannoncially diagnosed and had that be explored in depth.

However, mha does already have a character who is heavily implied to be mentally ill which is twice. Twice is heavily implied within the show to suffer from DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I think the way horikoshi presents this is really interesting it's to the point that it's incredibly integral to twice's character whether that be his name or what his quirk is.

We see exactly how his mental state worsens in his backstory and how he has reached his breaking point multiple times. Twice is also presented as the most redeemable of the leauge and we see that even with that the system doesn't care for him as twice mercilessly kills him even though he had a high and good chance of being saved and redeemed.

I do wish that hori spent a bit more time delving deeper into twice and developing him before killing him off while also making his death have a long lasting impact between characters (specifically the league)

I think what's interesting is that hori doesn't demonise jin for his mental issues but addresses them in a serious manner and a lot of the scenes where we do see him struggling we are able to feel a lot of sympathy for him.

This ends up being the exact opposite of what people usually do by demonising mental health and using it to dehumanise characters. Horikoshi uses it to humanise his characters whether that be twice who struggles with DID or tamaki who struggles with social anxiety. These issues are brought to light and aren't a one time thing but it's something that's integral to their character.

Now, moving onto my final comment : yep it's bakugo!

I admit that I have seen many bakugo antis and critiques label bakugo as a narcissist. I also believe that they don't inherently speak of the mental disorder when labeling him in such a way but use the word in exchange of other terms for bakugo like self 'absorbed' or 'selfish' or 'only cares for himself' etc.

Now, I agree this is bad and shouldn't be done. I do however want to offer my own view on this subject (iam also a big bakugo critic/anti) I personally don't think that bakugo suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder and I don't think that mitsuki is abusive towards her son.

I think that the scene with mitsuki hitting bakugo was played in a comedic light. This is the only scene we see mitsuki act aggressive towards bakugo in the whole manga while in the other scene she expresses concern over her son (for example katsuki doesn't like rain etc). I think @delawaredetroit post surrounding this has the best explanation

I also want to add the fact that bakugo feels comfortable enough to sit next his mother. He is right in between his parents (he could of sat away from her closer to his father if he wanted to but he didnt). Bakugo also feels comfortable enough to express himself in such a manner whether that be him calling his mother "hag" or also shouting at her when he is equally pissed off.

I do think that because the manga had already made it clear that abuse was a theme that was in the story and gave us an example of abuse (the todoroki family) that many did raise their heads at this scene and may of been concerned that this is abuse when it's not but its hard to spot since it's being presented in such a weird manner.

You do have a point bakugo's behaviour comes from somewhere and that's not talked about enough. I personally think that horikoshi didn't explore how society influenced bakugo's behaviour and his raging quirkless discrimation (maybe it's because hori didn't want to paint bakugo in such a bad light so he didn't make him prejudiced against the quirkless and didn't explore the theme of quirkless discirmation that he implemented into the story). There is also the superiority and inferiority complexes that bakugo seems to have that could be a result of a mixture of factors (biological, social and environmental) Now his brash behaviour could come biologically from his mother and it turned worse due to his environment where he was built up to be this guy who had everything so he should be happy as he fits into the status quo.

Tldr: mental health shouldn't be used as an excuse but it also shouldn't be used to demonise characters either.

[sophieinwonderland]

r/FakeDisorderCringe doesn't know what biblical canon is, atheists are offended by saying God is plural, and other people casually throwing out some blasphemies and ableism!

👎

For uncreative title.

Atheists Pretending To Be Deeply Offended...

So, let me guess, you're not actually Christian are you?

Those guys sure aren't.

So weird how people pretend to be offended over a religion they aren't even a part of.

(Let's be real though, that's most of the tulpa discourse.)

Oh... you considered converting.

That clearly gives you a say in this conversation. /s

Meanwhile, my host actually lived the religion. He was Christian through his teenage years, and as a child helped his mom teach Sunday School and went to sleep every night on a Noah's Ark pillow.

Sorry, I distracted from your point. We're thieves stealing from a religion. 🙄

Okay, let's talk "canon!"

I just... I LOVE this whole conversation! 🤣

THIS is actual cringe.

Does anyone see the issue here?

I'll let u/AdSuccessful3533 spell it out. Possibly the only person with sense in the thread.

It's not just Catholic Canon either, but Biblical Canon! Like, there's a whole Wikipedia article on it!

The sheer self-righteous ignorance of r/Fakerdisordercringe (and r/systemscringe) never ceases to amaze me.

All of these people so bent out of shape over the use of "canon" to describe biblical text as if that's not been in use for hundreds of years!

"Something a middle schooler would say."

The Heresies!

That's correct. This is NOT the modalism heresy.

Modalism suggests God is a single unified being who reveals himself in different forms. God being plural would mean that God is three beings in one. This is completely in-line with the views of Trinitarianism.

An example of the modalism heresy would be more like this...

Comparing God to Optimus Prime, arguing that they're just different forms like Optimus Prime in a truck form vs him in a robot form, is modalism.

But if modalism isn't enough, we've got some tritheism too!

Besides the tritheism... it's really hard to take people who are calling tulpas appropriative seriously when they don't even know basic facts about the most popular religion in the world.

Also, the part about System not being a term for a person with DID is technically correct. System is, rather, the term used for the total collection of all the alters. But it is very much a term used by psychologists and it's accurate to refer to the Trinity as a system in this way.

Also, if the Tritheism bothers you, don't worry! We're going to go right back to modalism.

The H2O metaphor is controversial for the same reason as comparing God to Optimus Prime. It suggests God is simply changing form to become these different things.

Miscellaneous

Can you show me that rabbit hole?

I'm the one who Tweeted that, and have NEVER been on the OSDD sub.

Who do you think I am?

No... it definitely doesn't sound right. Religion shouldn't just be a thing for neurotypicals.

If one believes in God, then surely God made all people, including those of us who have mental illnesses. Why should Christianity and biblical references be kept away from people with mental illness other than ableism?

I mean, if by in peace, you mean without endogenic systems, then no. You can't.

We're here and we aren't going away. Ever.

And we exist in all spaces, including in your churches and your religious communities. And Christian systems shouldn't be expected to hide who they are because our existence bothers bigots like you.

We're going to share this world, and we're going to share spaces. And that includes churches and religious spaces too. Deal with it. 🤷‍♀️

Acknowledgements:

I would like to thank everyone at r/fakedisordercringe for giving me the free material. For a subreddit that's designed to laugh at people for supposed "cringe," you all sure are a goldmine for it! 😜

[velvetvexations]

I'm genuinely trying to not just be constantly negative and starting shit and arguing with people. I feel like even the people I mostly agree with are getting put off by it if they haven't already. I'm very self-conscious about my opinions and how much I talk on a given subject, and I know I do have issues that make my expressed opinions more pointed than necessary.

But like, me jokingly comparing the Bad Kids to the protagonists of 8-Bit Theater is interesting, because I love 8-Bit Theater to death, it's an extremely important work to me, it hurts a lot that I didn't hear about the scriptbook Kickstarter until it was over and I'll always be looking for a pre-owned copy for the rest of my life.

Like, I think the issue isn't that I have a problem with the Bad Kids acting so awfully. That's okay, especially in a comedy. Comedic sociopathy is a totally fine trope and I enjoy it on a regular basis. The issue that gets me is that it's such a hard counter to not only D20's usual tone, but also the way the DM, the players, the narrative itself, and most of all the fandom treat them and their actions.

That's why I soured on Kristen specifically so hard and so fast, because before JY I just thought she was like, A Lot, but not really a big deal and had some good, solid moments in SY (I did not like FY in general for completely unrelated reasons, sadly). But with JY, it was like, right out the gate she's ignoring Cassandra literally half to death, and I wonder if that would have seriously bothered me as much as it did if the fandom wasn't determined to completely excuse her for it in spite of the fact that it was clearly meant to be a personal character flaw and not just "unfortunately mental illness is happening to her".

Even then I was like, hey, I watched those promo videos, this is obviously something that's been planned ahead and will be dealt with. I'm very far from the first person to point out that we're now entering the season finale and chaos has not yet stopped being cute. Partially that in particular may have been hamstrung by the dice rebellion in the mall fight, with the original plan having been for Cassandra to not get separated from Kristen so fast and subsequently unable to have them actively work on their relationship and Kristen's commitment to her. Kristen running for president also likely threw a monkey wrench into decutifying chaos, because there was never any chance of Ally going about that by having Kristen put on a slick suit and say "I need to take this seriously and research school governance and formulate a policy I'll elaborate on in a debate with Kipperlilly". The race for president could only possibly be a bit the second it went to her instead of Riz, not because I don't think Ally could handle that kinna plot if they set their mind to it, Margret Encino would have killed it just as good as Riz, but because it's simply so far from who Kristen Applebees is as a character.

So anyway, I sat there watching this season waiting for Kristen to grow up because I had faith that was going to happen. But lest you think I just hate Kristen and possibly also Ally, these last few weeks they've been the least of the issue.

As hilarious as it was I don't understand how in the good Lord's name we're supposed to care about Oisin "making Adaine think she liked him" by acting a little flustered around her when Fig literally started catfishing Ruben on the first day of school ages before they had any in-character reasons to suspect the Rat Grinders of anything, all so she could...no, really, why the fuck did she do that? What was the impetus for that decision? I cannot emphasize enough how little motivation is given for this course of action:

There is nothing to it except that Emily correctly pegged he'd be an antagonist later. It's like the detectives on Law & Order arresting someone because they recognized the special guest star.

And like, other people, I get it, other people who don't like the direction JY has taken can shrug it off more easily than I can, there are a million reasons to not treat this like the end of the world, but unfortunately my autism gets me stuck on shit and I just cannot reconcile things like this. I cannot take the show seriously and care about the protagonists as people and share joy in their triumphs and sorrow in their failures and ignore something as blatantly breaking the logic as stuff like this.

I'll grant you, okay, Adaine was understandably hurt but neither the Bad Kids nor the Intrepid Heroes were really like "oh now we have to really fucking ruin Oisin for being the worst person alive". The fandom treated it like he Frozen'd her but fandoms are dumb and should not dictate as much of my opinion as they do, I simply cannot fathom the kind of person who'll cry over the deep and traumatic emotional damage Oisin caused Adaine with his missed beer pong shots but doesn't think Fig should be in jail.

That's also not the end of it, though. I could keep going on just about Fig specifically and the fact that she is at least sex crimes-adjacent, not to mention Emily's infantilization of a very autistic-coded character, but I'm trying very hard to not just come off as being like the people who have harassed Emily and Ally over their roleplaying choices in the past. As I keep stressing, I like both of them and especially Emily because I've been a CollegeHumor fan longer than some D20 fans have been alive. I think I actually like Fig more accepting that she kinna canonically sucks and taking her as more a Complicated Woman than someone whose actions I need to reconcile with the expectation of her being better than that, although I know none of it will ever actually be addressed.

So yeah, all the Bad Kids have been fucking weird this season in ways they weren't in SY. Adaine's intense and completely inexplicable loathing of Kipperlilly was funny at first and then increasingly uncomfortable as it fed into the fans wanting to crucify her. Gorgug going full bully was weird but also like, a one line bit, but whatever. Riz stealing Kipperlilly's file was gross and would or SHOULD deeply hurt Jawbone if he ever found out, and you can say they had to do this horribly unethical action in the name of homeland security or whatever, I accept that there were extenuating circumstances, but it's given no thought whatsoever and absolutely no regard is given to the fact that she was trying to address her issues with the closest mental health professional available who Brennan goes out of his way to note is failing her by overcorrecting for his bias towards the BKs.

But as much as I genuinely believe Brennan has been planting seeds the Rat Grinders could be reached, he's not been great here either and like Mice & Murder these things are more on him than any of the players because he's the director here. Like, I'm embarrassed I got snippy with someone who guessed ahead of time that Kipperlilly desecrated the rogue teacher's grave, but nonetheless think it was a weird conclusion to reach and that it's just even more bizarre that it ended up being "right", except the way it's described doesn't even make sense.

Like, the goal was "find the rogue teacher", right? And the rogue teacher is dead. So to me, it certainly seems like bringing a back hoe to the graveyard is one hundred percent the right move! But even if we accept the apparent canonical intent that was Kipperlilly threatening to merely destroy the grave as an act of vandalism rather than retrieve the body, it's like...so what? Literally who cares? As if the Bad Kids or any other adventuring party wouldn't dig up a dead body to cast Speak with Dead or something, as if the foundational Dungeons & Dragons formula wasn't raiding tombs like 19th-century colonial archeologists? And why would any of that be necessary anyway, when Riz found Eugenia by just...walking up to the grave?

But regardless, that, you might say, is a matter of the Rat Grinders being unfairly presented as evil and not the Bad Kids being unfairly presented as good. When it comes to Brennan's part in it, though, these are the same issue, because as the creator and director of every atom of the world outside the PCs, he's just so very willing to go with what the players start to expect. That's fine for a home game, but this is like, a television show that people pay money for, and that's an issue. He'll plant enough seeds of the Rat Grinders being better than they're treated that a chunk of the audience will notice and think the players are being weird about them, but he won't push it further than that and instead just rolls with the players being weird because his first priority is their enjoyment.

Again, fine in a home game, obviously. But it creates this divide between the players and the audience because the world has been crafted in such a way that when the players being weird is noticed it's like, why are they being rewarded for that? Why are they getting zero pushback? Brennan and I both heavily, heavily value collaborative storytelling for good reason, it's why I love TTRPGs and actual plays, but if this were a story told by a single person you could either have the protagonists pick up on those hints, have it be a point that they didn't pick up on them, or just not even include them in the first place.

One of the reasons I really, really like Aabria's DMing, as I've said recently, is that she truly remains firm in her worldbuilding and is not shy about providing realistic consequences or acknowledging PC behavior is dissonant with what's going on around them. And it just makes it super ironic that Kipperlilly's whole deal is correctly identifying the fact that the world is warped around the Bad Kids, and in this season more than ever the DM is like, fully changing reality to accommodate them and giving them plot resolutions on a silver platter, to the point of letting them just full-on take back spells because the target turned out to not be there, which is pretty far beyond the quibble about the climactic move in Calamity's final boss fight.

It's not that I think D20 is 'rigged' exactly, because it's not really a game, or at least it's not really Dungeons & Dragons. This was a revelation I had when I watched Critical Role other than Calamity for the first time and was amazed by how they'd stand around after a battle looting bodies for random magic items. D20 isn't a sandbox TTRPG, it's a very on-rails shooting gallery with roughly as much choice in the narrative as a modern RPG video game, and it has to all wrap within a certain amount of sessions. That's fine, but occasionally it can feel deceptive when we pretend there's much chance of things going radically wrong. One of the reasons I liked the first half of Crown of Candy and all of The Ravening War so much is because they're the only times where failure has really, truly been on the table in an Intrepid Heroes season, but I still liked most of the other Intrepid Hero seasons nonetheless.

This season, I just, I dunno man. I don't believe Ice Feast just accidentally wah wah wah had the effect of completely neutralizing the primary threat of the final boss fight. And Blimeygate, like, I thought it was mostly a fun moment, but it also felt like the most exaggerated-for-marketing-purposes the "got'em!" bits have ever been.

But despite all that, I am still currently capable of enjoying the next season. I'm hoping next week does not make things dramatically worse.

[mintasa]

CIRCUS ~ CHAPTER 8

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x OC

Genre: Circus AU, murder mystery, slowburn, enemies to lovers?

Warnings: Blood, injuries, mental problems

Word count: 4,2k

Synopsis: A series of murders in a successful circus disturbs the life of a young stylist. With no place to go, she is keen on saving the circus, even if that means risking her own life to do so. As if things cannot go worse, a group of newbies join the hawock, seemingly not knowing what they're getting themselves into. Can she figure out the motives of the murderer and keep her crew together? Can the circus survive under the growing pressure and distrust?

Note: This is the first story I am publicly sharing. It is a work of fiction, although it may not fit the criteria of a traditional fanfic (I physically cannot write in the second-person narrative). Therefore, English is not my first language, and while I'm pretty fluent, I still make grammar errors, so apologies in advance.

The story is vaguely inspired by Circus MV

"You were told to don't go anywhere alone, I believe," mumbles Hyunjin as he takes a seat next to Nadya on that goddamn bench she sat on before almost drowning.

Nadya wipes at her eyes frantically, hating the idea of Hyunjin seeing her like that. Some old wounds had been reopened and new ones accured. She doesn't cry much, but it's healthy to do so from time to time. Nadya jumped at the first opportunity of being loved. What did she expect in this world of ill-mannered people?

"Are you crying?"

He really had to point that out. Nadya crosses her arms on her chest. "I would never," she claims and looks off into the pond.

"Is this about the cop?"

Is it? Not really; she doesn't even miss him anymore; it was a temporary obsession. She didn't need him. "No."

"Then why?"

The girl shrugs annoyed at the questioning. "Because I can?"

"Not a valid answer," he argues once again, playing the hero. He wants information out of her, but frankly, all she has is unsolved problems.

"I haven't been able to sleep lately," Nadya mutters truthfully, hoping it would be enough to answer his questions.

"Because of your family?" Nadya turns to him dumbfounded, and he looks away in what seems like shame. "Jun said you're talking in your sleep about them."

Nadya is about to give Jun piece of her mind about privacy. "He can't keep anything to himself," she groans. No seriously, she's killing Jun when she gets back. "What else did he say?"

"Nothing. He just said that they are pompous assholes."

"Well, that's about it," she smiles at Jun's description. It is spot on.

"Tell me about them."

"Why?"

"Conversation."

"Were not good at that," Nadya mumbles, and he simply nods. The silence between them drives her insane, and she groans. "Fine, what do you want to know?"

"Anything?" He shrugs. "We actually did a background check on everyone here. Theres not much information about you."

Nadya nods in understanding; her parents were secretive. "Well, I'm the first child, so they were always strict and demanding with me. When I didn't live up to expectations, they wanted to marry me off for connections. That's all there is to know, really. I didn't take that well and ran away," she explains briefly. It's not like he wants to know he needs to connect the dots in her files.

"Did they look for you?"

"I'm sure they were happy I was gone. They always said, I'm a burden anyway." Nadya smiles bitterly.

"How did you become, you know, a secret agent?"

"The agency literally grabbed my hand when I was walking home with my mom. They offered me to join a training program; honestly, I didn't even know what I was getting into," he admits. "After you join, it practically fights for survival. You have to improve fast or you're dropped out of the program."

Nadya understands the training, but what she does not get is why a parent would get their child involved in such stuff. Every child deserves a childhood. "Were your parents against it?"

"They were, but they also saw it as an opportunity. I didn't grow up rich or overly smart. They thought it would help us get out of a financial hole," he mutters. Nadya smiles at her own thought; they are complete opposites. At least in the financial situation, maybe that's why they struggle to get along.

"Well, did it?"

"It did."

"Your parents must be proud," Nadya utters, realizing they are really complete opposites. He's a son his family can be proud of, and she's the daughter the parents are ashamed to bring up.

"They are," he answers. Nadya stays silent; there's nothing she can add really; she's just jealous. "Every child deserves a loving family," he mumbles, noticing the girls behavior shift at the topic.

Nadya simply nods at what seems like kind words. She didn't think Hyunjin was capable of being nice. "Well, my family is the circus, so don't ever ask me again to put them in danger."

It's early in the morning, and Nadya is wide awake. Her throat is dry, as if she had been screaming, so she rushes to the kitchen. There she hears voices, each of those hushed and secretive.

"Anyone got something to share with the class?" Questions Chan.

"Not really," Felix answers. So they're clueless about the case. Great Melissa brought incompetent agents.

"Nothing makes sense. At first, I thought they were trying to scare the crew because they weren't actively trying to kill anyone, but now I'm terrified for my own life," Han chimes. They are terrified?! So how is Nadya supposed to feel? They can at least defend themselves.

"There are still people who haven't had any interactions with the murdered," states Seungmin. And that's just a plain fact. Nadya almost scoffs out loud, revealing herself to the boys.

"Yes, Jiah, Jun, Taraji, Azara, Misha," lists Chan.

"Does that make them the main suspects?" Questions Jeongin, genuine quriosity visible in his voice.

"Not necessarily," says Changbin. "See, if I were the killer, I would try to get myself off the suspect's list," he explains. Now that makes Nadya reconsider wherever they are imminent. He has a point.

"Get hurt on purpose?" Questions Hyunjin, another valid point. One Nadya didn't consider it because who in the right mind wants to hurt themselves? Who wants to hurt anyone at all? If they settle on the idea, she's a suspect too. Do they really think she paid someone to drown her in a pond?

"Exactly."

"But we can't know that for sure," Seungmin disagrees. "It looks like the murderer knows what he's doing. He could be trying to throw us off."

"Well, is anyone behaving weirdly?" Chan asks again.

"Everyone?" Suggests Han, "They didn't take the fire well."

"Nadya has been acting off way before that," Hyunjin murmurs.It's suspicious that although she got attacked, she didn't get severely hurt. She's fine." Suddenly all the respect she gained for him the day before vanishes; he thinks what happened to her is light punishment.

"Well, she would be dead if you hadn't followed her. I don't think it counts," states Minho.

"She still goes out alone, although she knows it is dangerous," Hyunjin argues. Why is he so keen on proving to them she's the killer?

"Seems more like suicidal behavior than murderous," Minho disagrees. Nadya can't believe her own ears; the guys had made their assumptions about everyone, including her. They don't know what they're talking about yet having a heated discussion, and she is the star of it.

"Well, I talked to her last night. She said some," he pauses, "disturbing stuff." Nadya frowns at his words; one bad day doesn't make her a murderous psychopath.

"If she is the killer, it's really bad. She knows about us," Chan states. Not him acting like I'll stab him in his sleep; she would have already if she wanted to. Maybe not; she hasn't seen the guy asleep. He must run on batteries.

"Why did you even tell her? You could've lied," questions Changbin, theres clear annoyance in his tone. Nadya liked him; she was nice and positive towards her, but suddenly she was the public enemy of theirs. All because of one night.

"I don't know; I panicked, and at the time she didn't seem dangerous. She was a victim," Hyunjin rambles.

"No one is blaming you, but you should be more careful who you're trusting," Chan lectures. Somehow it feels like a lecture to her as well. They see her as a possible threat, which means she can't trust them either.

They quiet down, and Nadya takes that as a cue to step in. The stairs make creaking noise as the girl climbs in. The boys heads turn towards Nadya in what seems like shock; however, Chan is the first to react. He clears his throat. "How much did you hear?"

"Oh, I heard plenty," she says; she's not even angry at them, just disappointed. At one of them in particular. Her eyes focus on Hyunjin, who stares at her wordlessly. She scoffs at his guilty expression. "You lied to me. I told you everything about my family because I thought you were genuinely curious, and this is what you do? Call me crazy behind my back," she laughs dryly. What did she even expect?

"No, it's not like that." Felix starts, but Nadya doesn't let him finish.

"Then what is it like? I thought we were on the same page; I'm glad to find out we are not," she states sparingly one last glance at Hyunjin before walking out. "You better sleep with one eye open."

As soon as she leaves, she hears footsteps rushing to catch up to her. Hyunjin grabs her wrist and she immediately shakes it off. "Don't be like this," he mumbles once the girl once again attempts to run off. She stops abruptly. Nadya has heard that before. Orion.

"Don't follow me," she mumbles and walks off. He had proven multiple times that they were not friends. Why should she bother?

"You're giving me a good reason to call you crazy," Hyunjin shouts, his voice quiet due to the distance.

"Maybe I am crazy!"

Thats it. She's not going to trust any of the guys with anything. None of them are her friends; they just want to make use of her. Like everyone. Why did she even think it was a good idea to spill her heart to that princess? If she could turn back time, she would not only smack him but suffocate him with that pillow. Maybe then he would be able to understand what it is like to drown? To feel the lungs catching fire and begging for help.

Everyone but Nadya went to visit Allen and Miguel in jail. They left her with the guys, whom they barely know yet trust blindly. They don't know the truth about their arrival; they could be the killers, yet they left her to keep them in check. Frankly, they are fully grown men, and she won't be treating them like babies like Taraji does. Shes not a babysitter.

There's not much Nadya can do in her free time, and she wants to avoid any interaction. She's still sulky, so she chooses to clean up one of the storage wagons. They haven't been cleaned in ages. Maybe if they had been, she wouldn't be kneeling here and scrubbing as if her life depends on it.

It takes a second for Nadya to realize what's happening as a string wraps around her throat and digs into her neck. She throws her head back in an attempt to free herself and gets a chance to look at her attacker. Same person dressed in black. Their face is covered. She tries to pry away his hands without any success.

Purely driven by adrenaline, she uses drastic measures. She falls back into her captor, tripping them both in the process. Then Nadya rushes to her feet and runs. She darts out of the wagon to the train station. There are always people inside, so she screams, hoping to attract someone's attention. No one seems to be around. Suddenly she places a wrong step right in the crack in the grass, and sharp pain travels down her ankle. She falls face flat to the ground yet soon gets pulled to her feet.

Shes dizzy. Both from the choking and the fall. The captain is just a shadow when he pulls her towards the rails. Theyre slightly uphill, and the rails are buried a few meters in the ground. A train horn honks, and Nadya is suddenly hyperaware of what he brought her there for. She attempts to scream, but a hand covers her mouth, and the noise comes out mumbled.

People are shouting in the distance; she hears voices at the back of her head, but all her mind is filled with is pure fear. The person abruptly pushes her down. Nadya falls those couple meters like a rag doll. Her hand hurts and her head as well. She makes an attempt to sit up, but the world in front of her eyes goes black. Her side hurts too, as does her neck. She drags her fingers against it, and they're a deep shade of red. The string had cut through the skin of her neck. She's bleeding, yet another reason to explain the dizziness.

She rests herself on her elbows, letting her head fall backwards. Suddenly there is a shadow shaking her awake. Nadya attempts to crawl backward, but once she opens her eyes, she recognizes Hyunjin's face. He grabs her chin and moves her head around. His mouth moves, but Nadya doesn't hear a thing.

The train honks once again, much closer this time. She turns her head and sees the front of it in the distance. Nadyas panicked, eyes lolling over at the boy in front of her for a solution, but his expression matches hers. They are both dead.

The train is right up ahead. It all happens in a second. Hyunjin bodyslams Nadya to the ground, his body weight successfully pinning her down. They are lying in the middle of the rails. His body is pressed against Nadyas, his face buried in the crook of her neck. He's breathing heavily into her ear while his fingers dig into Nadya's wrists as he holds them down. Theyre chest to chest.

The train approaches them, and Nadyas breath hitches, but it passes right over their heads. Damn, Nadya didn't think Hyunjin had this in himself. The guys share one brain cell between them. Even when the train passes and the sound starts to slowly fade, neither of them dares to move. That's until Changbin's obnoxiously loud voice breaks the silence. "It's not the time for hugging," he shouts.

Hyunjin practically jumps up and scrambles to his feet. Nadya pulls herself up to rest on her elbows once again. It still hurts. Hyunjin grabs her chin and tilts it to look at the girl's neck and winces, "That doesn't look good."

Nadya is sure of that. No need to tell her. "I'm fine," she argues. Her voice comes out weaker than she intended to.

He rolls his eyes at her subtly. "Can you stand?"

Nadya stretches her ankle. It seems fine, but she still lets down her pride and lets Hyunjin help her up. She's standing one minute and another makes a mistake. One step and sharp pain in her ankle almost makes Nadya fall over. Hyunjin grips the girl as if she would try to walk again. She's not that stupid.

He sighs before wrapping a hand around Nadya's thighs. Suddenly she's in his arms being carried like a princess. She would protest in any other circumstances and be embarrassed, but right now she doesn't have the energy to care. Nadya, just let him do whatever he wants.

It is a quite long trip to the station. Only there can you find steps up. To her, it seems like a second before she's at the station and the boys are gathering around like hyenas. Chan takes the girl from Hyunjin and carries her inside her van.

Suddenly Nadyas room turns into a public bus. They're all there staring at her like shes some circus animal. Maybe she is.

Nadya closes her eyes and falls into her bed. However, the guys have different plans and make her sit up. There's Hyunjin in front of her, and Chan is sitting beside her, making sure Nadya doesn't lie down. Light coming from above hurts Nadya's eyes. "I'm definitely in hell because if I went to heaven, your face wouldn't be the first thing I see," she utters, staring at Hyunjin, who is crouching in front of her.

He smiles, or maybe it was her imagination. "You're still on Mother Earth, so you better start taking in coherent sentences. I don't want to call an ambulance," Hyunjin shakes his head.

"I knew going out this easy is too good to be true," Nadya groans and attempts to fall back, but there's Chan.

"You think we should call an ambulance?" Hyunjin looks back at Chan.

Chan glances at Nadya. His eyes roam down her body. Over her bruised side and neck. "We probably should," he answers.

Chan stands up and approaches Nadya. Her focus falls on him instead of Hyunjin, who sits down next to her, making sure she sits straight. "Does your head hurt?"

"I don't know everything hurts," Nadya mumbles.

Then Chan looks back at the other guys. "Could she have hit her head on those rails?"

"Probably," Changbin chimes.

Then Nadya rests her head on the nearest object and closes her eyes. She's tired, and they're not letting her sleep.

Nadya wakes up in a hospital. She doesn't remember much of what happened, but the headache doesn't let her forget that this isn't just a regular visit to the doctor's office.

The doctor comes into the room. He's pretty young for a doctor but definitely older than her, at least by a decade. "Nice to see you awake, Nadya; do you remember what happened?"

"Vaguely," the girl utters. She just woke up from sleep. Of course, she doesn't remember much.

"That's good news. How is your head doing?"

"It feels like it is about to explode," she tells him honestly.

"You suffer from a mild concussion that's pretty common in patients," he replies. Makes sense. Her head hurt a lot.

"When can I leave?"

"I'm afraid I'll have to keep you here at least for a day just in case. Otherwise, you're good to go," he replies. Nadyas eyes dart around the room. It's white and plain. She hates it.

Then she remembers her ankle. It hurt like a bitch, although she cannot feel it right now. "What about?" Nadya nods toward her ankle, making it obvious what she's referring to.

"Your ankle should be fine in a few weeks. For now, keep it resting, and I'll prescribe you ointment for the bruising," the doctor explains. "I'll take my leave now. Some people want to talk to you," he smiles at Nadya as he stands up and leaves.

Jun barges through the door, almost knocking it out of the frame. "I left you alone for one day," he starts and approaches Nadya's bed. She rolls her eyes at him. "And now you're in a hospital."

"I'm fine, really. You could talk a little quieter though," she mumbles. His voice is making her headache worse at the moment. He's loud. He'd fit right in with those eight.

"Well, I'm glad you're alive," he mutters.

"Come on. Don't go soft on me now," Nadya mumbles. Her comment sends him over the edge. He's on the verge of crying. Jun moves away to let Taraji, who was standing by the door, approach the girl.

She sits down on the chair beside Nadya and pulls a bag of cookies out of her bag. "I brought you these. Homemade hopefully will make you get better soon," she places the bag on the counter.

"Thank you, although I'm not hungry," the girl utters. Her throat hurts as well; she wouldn't be able to swallow a single piece.

"Nonsense. How are you feeling?"

How is she feeling? She simply shrugs and regrets that immediately. Her ribs must be bruised as well. "Been better," she answers.

Taraji nods. Chan is peeking over the door, not daring to come in. Nadya glances at him briefly. "Glad you're doing well," he says once their eyes meet.

Then Nadya notices some of the other guys as well. Jeongin is peeking over Chan's shoulder, and Felix's blonde hair can be seen in the back.

They start pushing forward, and Chan has to hold them back by force. He looks at Nadya apologetically. "I swear I can't take them anywhere."

"I can't believe it's evening already," mumbles Taraji. "I'm sad to leave you by yourself," she pats Nadya's head. Then she places a short peck on top of her head.

"Hyunjin is staying," Chan mumbles from the doorway. She didn't even know the guy was here; he hadn't shown his face like the rest of the guys.

"Well, that's great news," Tarji claps and rushes Jun out of the room. She looks back over her shoulder. "Alright, heal and be safe," she shouts.

Chan lets her through, inviting himself in for a second. "It's a shame you got hurt once again. I'm sorry for letting this happen," he tells Nadya. He does seem genuinely sad, unlike a certain princess.

Nadya neaches out to touch his hand. "It's not your fault. I should've been more careful," she tells him, but he doesn't seem relieved. He glances back.

"Hyunjin is staying for your safety. Don't bite each other's throats," he tells her and leaves with one last wave, letting the girl comprehend his words.

And there comes the devil. He enters the room and drags the chair to the side without even acknowledging her presence. She didn't expect much from him, but this was not it. He crosses his arms on his chest, and then their eyes meet for a brief second. There's nothing better Nadya can do, so all she does is observe.

He's pretty. Nadya accepted that fact ever since she saw him for the first time. But now in this dim lighting, with our only light source coming from the corridor, he looks different. He looks dangerous. Shadows illuminate his features; he looks sharp. Dang it, she in fact hit her head.

He clears his throat. "So how are you?"

That is really what he wants to talk to her about. "Besides the fact that I almost died?" Nadya questions but doesn't give him a chance to answer, "Fine."

"Glad to see your humor is still intact," he mumbles, barely audible. What did he expect? She's not going to start loving him just because she hit her head.

Nadya decides to ignore his comment and go straight to the point, "Why are you here?"

"To make sure no one kills you while you're defenseless?"

"No. I mean, why you?" Nadya points in his direction. It doesn't make sense why, out of all of the boys, she's stuck with him. Both curse and a blessing. At least she won't be pampered by him.

"Chan wants us to make up."

The girl scoffs at that. "Do you want that?" She questions after a brief pause.

"Do you?"

"I don't care," she mutters.

"I was thinking," he starts, but Nadya interrupts him.

"You know how to do that?"

"I swear to god I'm not always the problem in this relationship," he mumbles under his nose. It's quiet, so Nadya still hears him. "So as I was saying, I was thinking we should reveal everyone our identities," he states.

Nadya blinks a few times. Who hit whose head again? "Wouldn't that cause problems?"

"Well, the biggest problem right now is people getting hurt," he states. He doesn't look her in the eye, yet his posture reveals everything there is to know. Hes ashamed.

"I think you're the one that hit his head. What made you change your mind?" She laughs and regrets that as well. Goddamn ribs.

He hesitates, full of malice as always. "You." He forces out a single word.

It takes Nadya a minute to register. "Pardon?"

"I thought you'd die on me, and I don't want anyone else to die. Not because of my stupid choices," he utters. Now Nadya doesn't know how to react. She wants to gloat and tell him she was right all along, but then again, he looks missable.

She cannot see him properly in the dark, but she sees him slouching more than before. He's upset about what happened to her. Odd considering just a day or so, he didn't care a bit. He said all our lives are irrelevant compared to the task given to him. He was prepared to sacrifice all of them to catch the killer. She doesn't get him.

"And about that morning. I'm sorry, I just assumed the worst."

"You don't have to tell me all of this because you feel guilty. Did Chan force you? Do you even mean it?"

"I do mean it. I know that you think you are alone against the world, but it's not like that. Everyone from the circus was so concerned. I'm convinced even Chan and the other boys got overly attached to you. Everyone loves you," he tells Nadya, but she still finds it hard to believe. He had lied to her before.

Speaking about Chan. Chan is just a golden guy. He is like a labrador in the human body. He looks intimidating at first glance, but after a short talk, you realize he's a good person. The rest of the boys are like that too. They love the attention. That's why they loiter around her and her crew. She had already accepted them into the family. Nadya expected them to mourn her if she dies, but after that morning she doesn't know what to think.

She's at a loss for words. "Goodnight, you should rest too," she dismisses the idea of further discussions and pulls up her covers. She's sure she won't fall asleep any time soon, but she can't bring herself to talk to him. To be vulnerable in front of him. Been there, done that. Didn't end well.

"Goodnight."

[loserboysandlithium]

Wow I am the only one here that notice that all of this dykes bi clowns suffer from mental illness or something like that. Well I mean I'm not surprised tbh. This baby gore whore wherever her name is bithing and moaning about some writer is stalking her for her fics or something like that ( seriously doubt it but anyway) that this writer hates on them wherever by the way this is not me I don't write anything and I never tried. Why don't you losers just fuck off.

PS, that anon that sent you the message SLUT, whoever you are anon that was hysterical I love you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

This isn’t even worth my breath but…

First, I’m glad you think making fun of mental illness is cool. You do realize we can’t actually help that? But if you’re trying to insinuate that that’s why we’re all “dykes bi clowns” then you’ve obviously just never had a taste of good pussy. 💅

Second, I don’t know what the fuck your obsession is with Morgan but back the fuck off and stop stalking people. It’s really fucking creepy that she keeps blocking you and yet you’re still on her page. 👀 I mean I’m obsessed with her too so I get it. But honey, I don’t think she feels the same about you so I’d move on.

Third, I wouldn’t try the writing thing if I was you because I can barely understand half of the shit you say anyways.

Fourth, how are you going to tell us to fuck off when you’re the one stalking people and sending them embarrassing anons constantly?? We’re not reaching out to you…

And finally, I am a slut and I don’t care. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 please find something better to do with your life. You are simply a homophobic, racist, piece of shit.

[heliosoll]

how did you deal with shifting not "working", like waking up in your cr after u went to sleep intending to wake up in your dr? like i know thats not a problem for you now, but before you shifted for the first time, how did you deal with that? for me, once i shift for the first time i have it scripted that ill be able to shift instantly etc. and ik technically thats true now, but after 3yrs of not seeing any progress, aiming to wake up in my dr is all i can muster. :/

Hm... if you mean how I dealt with it emotionally then:

I know it can be hard but don't blame yourself or insult yourself. You tried your best and that's what matter. Always be kind to yourself, even if you don't quite believe it yet!

Persist! Again, I know it's hard when it's been so long, but you've come this far. Ask yourself this question and answer sincerely, do you really want to give up? Some people might say yes, but if the answer is no, that's more than enough reason to keep going. You will shift. Believe in yourself more!

Take breaks when you need to! Don't let yourself get burnt out or spiteful toward shifting. If you need to chill and not think about it for a while, that's okay!

Try to stay motivated! Remember how you felt when you first discovered shifting or feel the emotions you know you'll have once you shift. Immerse yourself in your DR!

Now, if you meant what steps I took to actually shift for the first time after "failing" for a year:

First, failure in shifting doesn't exist. Trust me, I know how that sounds, but it's true. It simply doesn't exist. Whether you think of every action as a shift or not, failure isn't real. It's perceived. It's okay to feel bad and angry but once you've felt those emotions, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are in control and that you literally cannot fail.

As a side note on the "failure not real" thing, the only thing "holding you back" is you. Now listen I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, okay? I understand how shitty that sounds and how your first reaction is probably "fuck off". I get it! I had the same reaction back then. But literally nothing and no one can stop you from shifting. Not the method, the time of day, the universe, or any deity or spirit. Nothing! NOTHING is holding you back. I know it can be hard, but getting comfortable with the idea that it's all you and learning how to not blame outside factors will really help in your shifting journey.

Most of the time when people are "failing", it's because of a belief they have. Maybe they still think shifting is fake and have the belief that it will never work. Maybe they believe they're not powerful enough or worthy enough. Maybe they think shifting is inherently hard and takes some people a lot of time to get there. Maybe they think methods matter. I don't know what beliefs you have, but when you get the time, truly go over each and every one. Do you have a belief that could be affecting your shifts?

If that's the case, start telling yourself that you'll shift no matter what. I really need you to understand that you can shift whenever you want, regardless of everything. You don't need a perfect self concept. You don't need perfect mental health. You can have limiting beliefs and still shift. Nothing matters! Truly let that sink in. Internalize the fact that shifting is all up to you and what you're telling yourself.

And above all, have fun!!!!! Too many people suck all the fun out of shifting for themselves. They create these intense rituals they don't even like, force themselves to try methods they hate, constantly insult themselves, and get jealous of other shifters. It's awful! Shifting is supposed to be fun! It's not supposed to be something that takes all your energy or something that makes you miserable. Seriously, if shifting is ever making you feel bad, take a step back and reassess some things. Let yourself have fun with shifting and I promise you'll see a lot more results!

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Day.16 Water - Sawtober/Sawcember

warning : angst, hurt/comfort, hydrophobia

Sawtober/Sawcember masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The weather is a natural phenomenon and the predictions of weather experts and researchers can only be interpreted. It has happened more than once that it started to rain even though it was high summer or that it snowed in the fall when the leaves started to turn colorful.

But what were initially just annoying and yet somehow pretty weather phenomena had become an inner burden for Agent Strahm.

Since he had woken up in the water trap, since he had felt the cold metal on his neck and his screams had not come out of the box, he seemed to have changed. Not only did his neck still hurt from the hole he had to ram into it with his pen, it was the fear of being surrounded by water again.

The renewed fear of hearing the loud splashing noise that rumbled in his ears, of being helpless and suffocating. A fear he didn't have before - he loved swimming, diving, bathing and showering.

But since he had been discharged from hospital, he had avoided water as much as possible. The shower was hardly ever on and only minimal drops flowed down, prolonging his showers by hours. A fact he denied and dismissed with an

,,I'm fine" every time in front of his boyfriend but he saw the skeptical look on Hoffman's face and knew he knew he had a problem. A problem that couldn't simply be solved, even if his partner disagreed. For Mark it was a simple matter of how to get Peter back under water.

Which is why he came up with a little plan, because he wasn't going to put himself through another couple of hours waiting for his friend in the shower.

Without knowing what it would do to Peter, he would take the risk. The two of them drove to work, as they did every day, and he knew that Strahm kept checking the weather forecast on his cell phone.

Strahm used the large umbrella that was actually intended for two people on his own. ,,Don't worry so much, it's only a few meters to the station," Hoffman said, taking one hand off the steering wheel and placing it on his boyfriend's thigh.

Nevertheless, he could feel the tension in the brown-haired man who didn't want to leave the safety of the car in the rain. ,,Yes-yes... I'll manage," Strahm replied, but his heart was beating wildly as he somehow tried to get out of the car with the half-open umbrella and run to the main door faster than necessary. He winced as he felt the drops of water on his neck and wheeled around.

He saw that Mark had given him the few drops and seemed to want to give him more. ,,Hoffman, don't you dare!" hissed Strahm, shielding himself with his umbrella before hurrying into the station and hearing his friend's grin.

At least that's how it looked from the outside, that Hoffman didn't take his boyfriend's illness seriously, but in reality it was his fault that it was haunting him. Guilt that he hadn't simply recognized Strahm, that he hadn't simply told him that he knew who had set him up.

That it was Lawrence and not Jigsaw. Lawrence the medical genius knew exactly how to get everything out of his victims, both mentally and physically.

But even though Hoffman was initially against it, he knew that interfering would only complicate things. And he wanted to avoid any more complications at all costs.

I'll fix it, the brown-haired man thought to himself and wiped the raindrops off his jacket before he went inside too, because in the end he was just Mark Hoffman the friendly policeman and not Jigsaw.

He just had to find the right mix of both with Peter to help him. Which he did, even if Strahm didn't like it. He would have to get through it.

And when the two men got home, the story had gone on far too long again and they had taken Asian food with them, the last thing Strahm thought about was water, or rather the shower.

,,Did they mix up my sauces?" asked Strahm, leaning back on the couch with his noodles and glad to be back safely in the house.

They both always took the same thing and of course Hoffman knew exactly what his friend wanted because if Strahm didn't cook, Hoffman was screwed.

Instant soup and pasta was the only thing he could manage, but everything else would turn into a cooking lesson with his friend. ,,No, I don't think it's the same as always," Mark said dismissively, looking back at the screen and the ticking clock.

It must be working he thought and shoveled another spoonful of rice and chicken into his mouth. He knew it wasn't the sauce that tasted different, it was the crushed sleeping pills. Lawrence's special recipe as he remembered when the blond had given it to him.

Maybe it was his now somewhat radical conviction to persuade the human mind to do something he was afraid of, or maybe it was just a touch of madness in him.

But he had already heard the third yawn from his peer and knew that it was only a matter of time. He looked back at the screen, but after a few more minutes he heard the clink of the fork falling to the floor as Strahm fell asleep.

,,Time for a test," Hoffman mumbled and carefully placed his and Peter's food on the table before carrying his friend's body as gently as he could into the bathroom.

The shower wasn't huge but there was enough room for them to stand next to each other, but they didn't have to. He leaned Strahm carefully against the wall under the shower head and looked at his friend for a moment.

His shirt slightly unbuttoned and his tie hanging out of his trousers, a tired expression even in his sleep. And yet he was overcome with guilt again when he saw the scar on his friend's neck.

He moved his fingers carefully over it and felt the scarred tissue. ,,I'm sorry," he murmured as he let go of the scar and left a gentle kiss on it before turning on the shower and closing the door.

He waited for Peter to wake up and sat in front of him as best he could and looked at him, he would stay with him and show him that water didn't mean death.

The water had already almost completely soaked his shirt and he could see it sticking to his friend's skin and his pants. But he knew he didn't look any better himself, his hair hanging down as he leaned over to Peter and slapped him lightly on the cheek to wake him up.

,,Peter...come on...wake up," he said slowly, seeing how he woke up again after a few moments and was confused for a split second before he let out a cry of fear. ,,Get out of the way!" he shouted at Mark as he felt the water splashing down on him, grabbing Mark's shoulder and trying to push him aside.

There was sheer fear in his dark eyes. But Mark was quicker to grab the other's arms and pull him into a tight hug.

A hug that didn't let him escape, ,,It's okay, I'm here," he said and heard the echoing screams and pleas to let him go, he seemed like a frightened dog trying to crawl into a corner.

,,No! No! Let me fucking go Hoffman!" Peter continued to scream at him and tried to free himself, clawing and scratching at anything he could find, hitting and biting at a sight that stung Mark. Because he was indirectly responsible. He had done this to Peter.

Which is why he just pulled him even tighter and kept talking to him, hoping it would just stop at some point. That Peter would have to calm down at some point.

The special agent kicked his legs and managed to get the glass door of the shower to crack. ,,Peter, I'm here, you're not drowning, don't you hear me," said Mark, easing up a little as he felt the attempts to escape diminish and Strahn looked at his work with a shocked expression.

The splintered door, Hoffman's body with several bloody scratches and even a bite. But then he saw tears welling up in Strahm's eyes as he realized that it was finally over.

He carefully put a hand on his boyfriend's cheek, ,,What-What have I done? Forgive me," he murmured and Hoffman returned the hug and Mark hugged him.

The two of them were still being hit by the water, but neither of them cared, it was the overcoming that mattered.

And while Strahm told him over and over again, ,,I love you", it was Hoffman who had to fight back the tears as he looked at the slightly bloody water and only said, ,,I'm sorry I did this to you" and hugged him even tighter.

They had both repented in the water only to come out again at the end. In love and not brokenness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@a-reading-dreamer , @megustadilf , @klarise , @misslavenderlady , @mysunfishpeedinmyroom

[creepylittlelady]

Proxies Headcanons! [Puppet Strings Lore Dump]

Hey! I have an unfortunate confession to make; I used to really like Fanon Masky when I was like 9 years old. Thankfully I finally watched Marble Hornets and realised what the fuck I'd been missing out. I used to love Fanon Toby too but maybe about two years ago I completely rewrote him after a sudden change of heart.

Did Hoody even have a fanon? I don't think he had a personality beyond being Masky's best friend. That's unfortunate seeing as how he's my favourite one out of the pair.

Anyways, the Proxies have always been such an interesting concept to me. I know that they don't exist in canon, but seriously it's an entertaining thing to imagine a sitcom between the Proxies and Slenderman.

So, without further ado, let's get into it!

Proxies Headcanons

-The 'Proxies' are the employees (only slaves like 50% of the time) of the Slenderman. They do have a greater purpose for being 'hired'; to serve as human energy for the Operator to feed off of. That's why the MOST unstable ones get picked to be proxies, since he feeds off of trauma and emotional energy.

-They do get paid, but only when the Slenderman takes over. Sadly he's aware of why they're here but accepts the fact that there's nothing he can really do about it since the Operator's fed on them so much that they'll basically die if they stop being Proxies (if the Operator doesn't kill them first). It's a lose-lose situation, unfortunately.

-As I said prior; they're the most mentally unstable in the whole Mansion. There are six of them; Rouge, X-Virus/Cody, Kate, Masky/Tim, Hoody/Brian, and Toby. Rouge is the oldest (due to the fact that in her original story she was almost married and almost a mother), and Toby is the youngest.

-Many of the Residents avoid them, especially Masky and Hoody. As they're the most well-known Proxies, they're generally known for being violent and ill-mannered towards others besides each-other and Toby. Although they get closer to everyone eventually, most of the residents heavily disliked them when they first arrived.

-Slender has no idea how they got here, although he has an idea of why they could be here. He's got no idea what happened to Toby, Kate, Rouge, or what the hell a Marble Hornets is. No matter how many times they explain what Slender supposedly did to them, he just doesn't remember as Charles wasn't conscious when it happened.

Although (I believe, its been a while) Marble Hornets take place in 2006, they sort of departed from the Labrinth and returned in 2009 after Masky and Hoody find themselves homeless and basically just drug addicts. They put up with Slender as they have no other place to turn to.

-They mainly go on Political Missions; such as assassinating a target in the Underworld, or they kill actual people in the real world. These usually consist of people who get too close to finding out about the Pastas, cultists, and basically just any random target Slender picks out for them.

-They're sort of their own family, as they share rooms in the same corridor which is quite far away from the other Residents. Rouge actually has her own home, but the other four live in the Mansion.

-They all magically have access to drugs. Nobody knows and nobody asks why, but whenever they need a fix, all they need to do is go to Hoody's room and pay $5.

-Speaking of Hoody, he has selective mutism, and even then he rarely talks. He only verbally communicates with the other Proxies, and doesn't speak to anyone else at all. Sometimes he'll randomly chime in to a conversation Toby and Masky are having and laugh as the two jump.

He's just a bit of a goofy guy, really.

-Wondering why I'm exclusively calling them Masky and Hoody? Well, I know it's sort of implied that Tim and Brian have DID and that Masky and Hoody are simply their alter egos, but in this AU they're more like personas that the Operator made up for them. He didn't like how disobedient Tim and Brian are, so when the Operator takes over he personally remolds their personalities so that they're more subservient. It sounds confusing but I'm trying

-I'm going to make a separate post for Tim and Brian, but a little backstory is that the two of them have known each other since Kindergarten and have grown up together since. They're best friends and their bond is just so strong that nobody can ever really come between them.

Although they're seen hanging out with Toby a lot, Toby is aware of the fact that Tim and Brian are the original duo.

-Masky is the unofficial group leader of the Proxies, and everyone else just kind of accepts that. He's a cool guy and does know how to take charge, however he's always incredibly rebellious to the Slenderman's orders, which leaves Toby to step up every time they fuck up real bad.

-Slenderman sometimes accompanies them. He doesn't help, he just watches from a corner and sometimes jumps out at them to scare them. It's a favourite pass time of his. He will help them out on occasion, as keep in mind he is a low-level God.

-Dr. Smiley and Nurse Ann's makeshift Hospital is basically their second home. Since they get injured so much on all of their missions (totally not due to Masky going against the direct orders), they often all come together to get treated with whatever nasty injury they get from their most recent endeavour.

-Hoody and Slender, both people who don't talk very often, easily understand each other. It's sort of an inside joke that they can telepathically talk to each other. It's basically the only form of a relationship they have considering Hoody's very wary of him.

-Masky hates cheesecake. And crayons. And children. And Slenderman (although when it's Charles they're relationship is a bit better). The Masky in this AU would fucking HATE fanon Masky.

Cheesecake is Masky's least favourite food. He'd rather eat a pile of dog shit. Lazari thought this was funny and made sure to include a panel of him eating Cheesecake in every comic that she makes.

I'll get some more later! Hope you enjoyed ;)

[snzluv3r]

so, I am ignorant and don't understand and I am directing this to you since your voice has been the loudest I've seen on this whole abliest covid thing...

when you as a disabled person are asking others who aren't disabled to stay out of the conversation ... is that not the same thing as the ablest people not giving you a platform to speak? how are the two different?

I'm sorry if this comes across rude I am not trying to be at all... like i said I am ignorant in this but since you have been Vocal I thought maybe you would explain.

it's my personal opinion that no one should feel silenced?

i really don’t even know how to respond to this if you think this is about silencing people when the only people who have been silenced are the disabled people lol. that’s the whole reason i’m upset.

you realize what counts as silencing people right? it’s not just telling them to shut up. it’s calling them mentally ill and puritanical and saying they’re catastrophizing when they’re simply expressing their emotions. it’s calling their legitimate fears moral panic and drama while shifting the conversation entirely from its original point.

i don’t have the energy to explain to you why marginalized groups are allowed to have closed conversations without it suddenly making THEM the oppressor. this is seriously TEXTBOOK and if you replaced “abled” and “disabled” with literally anything…white and black…straight and gay…cis and trans….you wouldn’t be asking this question. sit with that and stop asking disabled people to do your emotional and intellectual labor for you

[darkfictionjude]

I was so focused on the romance that I never gave my thoughts on the family relationships based on the time jump. I feel like I failed as an overthinker (I'm the etymology nonnie by the way, I'm seriously considering beginning to use an special greeting like selfie does on her asks). Not that my opinions have any major weight, yet I like to give my two cents. Probably in part because I think about this story and characters a lot (especially MC and Imre, but followed closely by Lorcan, Percy and Sally).

Of course, I cannot have any sort of categorization when it comes to the family matter. Unlike the romance and the relationship MC has with their body, family is something that is significantly less predictable, or, at least, less viable to put in easy to understand boxes. Not only because there are more individuals involved, but also because the relationships are more complex. Plus, and this cannot be understated, we still don't know how much MC will be able to fix/improve/worsen/cut their bonds with their family in season one. Because of this, we don't have a more or less defined start as we do with the RO's. For all I know, at the end of episode 13 MC leaves their family behind, for example. And if that happened, any speculation I do that begins from another possible perspective would be, if not pointless, most likely fruitless.

Yet, I must admit, is an interesting topic to think about. It's clear to me that family is something you want to explore with this IF. The latest update made it definitive if there was ever any doubt.

At the same time, as much as this relationships are given importance, I also think is very early to say where they're going. MC is barely capable of noticing the cracks with their relationship with Sally, and can easily deny them. MC is still too far from establishing their own personhood to actually build a closer relationship with Percy. MC has not even talked with Victor, and is doubtful trying to talk with Prudence would give anything at this point.

From this, then, we can conclude that the place MC is in their route towards personhood, or in their character arc, is of great importance to define if the relationships with their family can go anywhere. But it's also important to note that the family also seems to not be ready to get closer to MC.

Victor, even if he feels some fondness for MC (although only compared to Prudence, and only in the flashbacks so far), is distant. So much so he has not interacted with MC yet. For what MC knows, he could be secretly dead. His avoidance of everything probably would not be very helpful at building a relationship with MC, or anyone for that matter.

Prudence most likely hates MC wholeheartedly. I'm not sure if any affection that was once felt survives. And from her POV, MC is the root of (most of) all the problems and tragedies in her life. She needs too heal a lot, and even if she does, I'm not sure she'll ever want to get closer to MC. Especially with Orla's shadow being so ever present.

Sally. Dear Sally. He is probably the one who some would believe is the easiest to get closer to. Yet, I disagree with such notion. His own trauma, involving being parentified, and the way he sees MC, simply make it a lot more difficult than it would be otherwise. After all, MC is not only infantalized by Sally, but Sally does not seen MC as an individual. I'm not saying he doesn't see MC as human, but in a way MC is closer to pet than to a sibling. So, even if MC actually improves, they would have to work a lot for Sally to recognize it, and to be able to actually listen MC.

Finally, Percy is, in my opinion, the easiest one to get closer too. Not easy, however. Percy is closed off, and a part of him resents MC. And his has a lot of his own traumas to work through. But, unlike Sally, he does treat MC as an individual, and as an adult. Sure, Percy is insensitive and rude when it comes to mental illnesses, but he listen to what MC says and doesn't immediately refute it as the ramblings of a kid.

Overall, I think this was mostly a pointless ask. Simply because I just reproduced what I have said in previous ones, and because I cannot speculate about season 2. Which is the only worthwhile conclusion of this rambling. There are too many unknowns about how the relationships evolve (or not) in season 1 to determine how they are going to be able to be experienced in season 2. Or how we could conceive how they change during the time jump.

That said, I do invite another nonnies and non nonnies, as well as you dear Jude, to debate me if they disagree with me. Or if they think there is something more to add that I have not considered.

I must admit I'm probably making this worst on myself. Since now I'm very excited for season 2. And we are not even at half of season 1 💀. So, don't despair (of despair, if you dislike my long ramblings), because I'll come back in the future when we the story advances! Till then, other thoughts may bring me here.

You know what’s funny? When I conceived of this IF I didn’t think family would be such a major theme. I thought “MC’s family is fucked oh well they’ll make a new one with the ROs” they weren’t going to have such a big role in MC’s life from episode 1 on. But then I kept thinking about it, I thought if MC is like this then how are the other siblings? They couldn’t have gotten unscathed from their childhoods and then I got into how much our family shapes our lives and what we become for good or for bad. It become such a rich avenue to explore

Victor is very old school father in that he believes mental illness is something you can just stop and when MC couldn’t he just threw money at the problem praying it would go away.

Prudence does view MC as the nucleus of the ruin of her and Orla’s life.

The stand outs to me on what you said is how Sally is the hardest to get a revolution in his relationship with MC while also seemingly be the closest family member to them. Very true, it’s hard to respect someone you love when you don’t them as a person but more an extension of yourself. An interesting someone said was that MC and Sally are actually not close at all, truly they’re distant as Sally doesn’t really MC and vice versa

And yeah it’s not an assured thing that Percy and MC will ever be super close a la Sally and MC but they could get to a better place. It’s especially fun if you choose options for MC when talking to Percy that makes them seem so similar to him in terms of humour

Yeah I’m so excited about season 2 and it’s so far away 😭😭😭 if only I could just snap my fingers and have episodes written magically

[freeuselandonorris]

Umm hi. I am here to get some big sibling life stories and comfort from your asks again. I noticed you anwered one ask that if you knew the term you would have identify as ageosexual for years. Can you like what changed? What made you found the kink side? Why were you volunteraly not having sex for years? I am just personally really struggling with my own sexuality and letting people close is hard to figure out if I am just scared or on a-spectre. (Don't feel pressure to answer)

hi little sibling anon! ❤️

so, i've always been a very highly sexual person mentally, but to me the high sex drive (i am CONSTANTLY thinking about sex and have been pretty much since i hit puberty) is not actually all that linked to the desire to have physical sex, if that makes sense.

between the ages of 17-22, i had almost uniformly miserable sex. i was struggling with various mental illnesses and horrifically poor impulse control mixed with binge drinking, so my sex life between those years mainly consisted of, at best, drunken one night stands, and at worse - well, i'm sure you can imagine. so at some point i just kind of swore off the whole thing, thought i'd maybe just take a six month break or whatever... and that somehow turned into about eight years. and honestly, i didn't miss it. i read fic a lot, i masturbated pretty much every day, but i rarely had the desire for sex and i never fantasised about myself (hence my comment about ageosexuality).

i can't pinpoint one moment that changed. part of it was just getting more mentally healthy in general, part of it was coming off birth control that had artificially dampened my sex drive (fuck you, progesterone-only pill!), part of it was meeting a partner online and being able to develop our sex life in a way that felt doable (i.e. a lot of sexting) before we met in person. and it was at that point that i started getting into kink more seriously (i'd always known i was attracted to it - even as a kid, before i understood what kink was, i was attracted to the same stuff i sexualise now), and that was a revelation. honestly, even now i could probably live pretty cheerfully without 'standard' sex for the rest of my life (assuming i was allowed to jerk off lol), but i couldn't live without some sort of kink practice. even now, i don't actually have sex/practice partnered kink that often! it's generally about once a month. but i think about/talk about/write about sex constantly thanks to my delicious feral friends and mutuals, and that to me is a fulfilling sex life. would i welcome partnered sex/kink more often if the opportunity presented? sure. could i live without it? absolutely.

ALL THIS TO SAY (long-winded and oversharing as usual) that sexuality can and does change! for me, part of it was undoubtedly fear from previous bad experiences, but part of it was simply that i hadn't yet understood what my sexuality did consist of. and that is something that comes with time, and with being honest with yourself. of course some people know from a very young age that they're ace and live their entire lives without that changing, in the same way that some people have always known they were gay or straight or any other sexual identity. but equally, for plenty of people, it changes over time, and that doesn't make it any more or less valid.

soooo if i'm going to give you some big-sibling advice, i would say that of course you can define yourself in a way that fits you and feels good to you, but that definition doesn't have to be a one-time-only thing. you are allowed to see your sexuality as a fluid thing that shifts over time, whether that's due to circumstances or simply who you are as a person changing. if you don't want to let people close to you right now, then you don't have to (and in fact i'd recommend you don't, for a little while at least, because it doesn't sound like you're enjoying the experiences you do have currently), but you don't have to assign a definition to it if that doesn't feel right. and conversely, you can assign a term to describe it to yourself and others and then change that term in the future if it doesn't fit anymore. you can say to yourself: 'okay, i don't want to have sex at the moment', and that can be enough.

[super-paper]

I really love your opinions and posts about toshi, so if i may, do you think toshinori will (or maybe has already) "learn the lesson" that others have been trying to show and tell him, and see worth and meaning in his life beyond All Might the hero?? Obviously it's not a behavior or mentality that one can change just like that, especially after so many years living behind that persona. But with so many characters around him telling him to keep on living, and he still in the end attempts a sacrifice, I can't help but wonder if he truly understands what everyone else has been trying to tell him and really try to live. It sounds like i'm not being fair to him, bc obviously it's an extreme situation of war and at this point, it's normal to act based on 'whatever it takes', but idk, i'm just worried about his character 😭

Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you also like Toshi.

Anyway-- I think you've already brushed against the root of the issue! Rationally speaking, Toshinori does understand that other people want him to live and he's so unbelievably, genuinely grateful each and every time someone encourages him to keep living. He's completely sincere when he says that he wants to live/is going to keep living.

That being said, I don't think it's contradictory for Toshi specifically to talk about wanting to live, fully *mean* that he wants to live, and then immediately try to blow himself up. It can be difficult for people to fully understand the insidious nature of mental illness, I feel, bc they try to rationalize something that simply isn't rational (I don't want to diminish the necessary context behind Toshibomb, either: Toshi was primarily acting out of desperation to protect Izuku from AFO-- and the narrative itself chose not to reward/validate him for this.)

Like, I totally get that some Toshi fans feel betrayed/upset because it feels like Toshi isn't taking other people's feelings seriously, or bc it feels as though he's "undoing" all his character development-- but genuinely, I don't believe his development has been undone in the slightest. Toshinori is genuinely fighting to live and for his right to keep living. Toshinori also attempted to kill himself. Both realities are equally and simultaneously true for this character, even if it seems like they're fundamentally incompatible with each other. "I want to keep living for you!" and "I would die for you without hesitation!" aren't contradictory feelings from Toshinori's perspective.

(side note: I don't want to make assumptions about the experiences and lives of other fans, so I apologize if this comes across that way! I know a lot of other fans also suffer from depression and don't mean to insinuate that they lack perspective, or anything like that.)

Personally, I don’t think Toshi’s arc is remotely finished yet-- primarily because his feelings regarding Tomura remain quite conspicuously unaddressed. Toshi still needs to admit out loud what his essence as a person (i.e. aura!might) shed tears over— that in his heart of hearts, he also wants to save that boy. Izuku, Toshinori, Bakugo, and Aizawa are the characters that Tomura found himself fixating on during Act 1 bc they all represent something that failed him terribly (Heroes - Izuku, Family - Toshinori, Society - Bakugo, His Teacher - Aizawa). So, these four are the key players who will play the biggest role in saving Tomura, I feel-- and all four characters still have some critical development that's needed before they can all be on the same page about what needs to be done, and ultimately "change fate" together:

I also feel that, if there's any lesson that Toshi does still need to learn, is that it's okay to live entirely for his own sake. He's learned that he wants to live, but he ties that desire to other people and other people have unfortunately/unintentionally reinforced this ("Izuku lives for your sake so please don't talk about dying" "You gotta keep living until the day you can hear me say 'I am here!'" "Just you being here is all the push other people need to keep going" "you can only claim the title of a hero by dedicating your life to others")-- and that's where the dissonance kicks in, where Toshi is still willing to kill himself for the sake of others because he's primarily living for the sake of others. Toshi still needs someone to tell him that it's okay to live, just because he wants to, without tying this desire to anyone else.

This is a lesson I feel he can learn through being more honest about his own feelings (which again, heavily ties to him finally processing his feelings about Tomura/Tenko and then finally acting on them!). I also feel like Bakugo and Tomura (two of the most ego-driven characters in the cast) may end up having a role to play in helping Toshinori understand that it's completely okay to live for himself.

Edit: As for Toshinori "learning that he has value outside of being All Might," I feel that he has already learned this! I'm actually writing a post about what Iron Might means for Toshinori as a person & why it's a positive development right now-- So I hope that it will address your concerns, if only a little!

[the-delta-quadrant]

actually saw an article earlier where someone defended the use of the term "time-blindness" by saying the metaphor is not derogatory, apparently not understanding that ableism is actually much more than simply saying or implying that disability is bad. it's an entire power dynamic.

it may not be derogatory, but it's ableist because most metaphors are derogatory, so people will automatically associate the 2749th blind metaphor with being derogatory as well. it's ableist because no disability gets metaphorised as blindness does. it's ableist because blindness is used as a metaphor more often that it is used to describe actual blind people. it's ableist because the vast majority of people using these metaphors are sighted people, happily using our words but probably having nothing but misconceptions about real blind people. it's ableist because in a world where most people still don't understand what blindness is, even a non-derogatory metaphor is counterproductive. it's ableist because it erases actual blindness and blind people.

it's ableist because all of this just shows us that sighted people don't see us as human. they see us as a rhetorical device to benefit them, to make something they want to say understood. they see us as something they can project mostly negative things onto. they exploit us and appropriate our language without actually doing anything to visibilise blind people.

the writer of this article said they're using time-blindness comparatively to colour-blindness specifically. but they never said they're coluur-blind or just blind themselves and i'm very sure that they aren't. they were very open about their ADHD, i feel like they'd be open about being blind or colour-blind as well.

and here's the next layer of ableism: comparing two disabilities with each other, only one of which you actually experience. that comparison will be inherently biased as you're most likely working with an idea of a disability that's been spoonfed to you by our ableist society, rather than being able to draw from your own experience. this is how we get mentally ill people without chronic pain comparing their mental illness to chronic pain and saying stuff like "if i had chronic pain, at least i'd be taken seriously", completely unaware of how long people with chronic pain often have to fight to even be diagnosed, completely erasing the lived reality of people with chronic pain.

and calling it "time-blindness" erases the struggles and lived experiences of blind, and in this case, colour-blind people. if you're going to compare disabilities, maybe stay within your own experience.

now i'm not colour-blind, but i do have low vision for both ocular and visual processing reasons, and i'm also face-blind. i also experience wonky time perception. i can say from first-hand experience that "time-blindness" is a bad comparison. the way i perceive time functions completely differently from my low vision, face blindness, visual processing issues. the only thing i can even remotely compare it to is low depth perception; i often can't tell how far away something is from me or how fast it is moving. i also often can't tell how long 10 minutes are or how fast time is moving.

however, even though i can relate parts of my blindness to time agnosia, that doesn't mean i'll suddenly start calling it blindness too. i don't know how time perception works, but unless you're literally staring at a clock or at something move, it has nothing to do with visual perception. the fact that i could actually stare at a clock and still don't "feel" how much time passes is actually proof that it's not visual.

and that's the key difference. you can't "see time". since blindness refers to visual perception, you then cannot be "time-blind".

and using blindness as a metaphor for any kind of perception is actually once again a jumping off point for people to get to derogatory territory - after all, most blindness metaphors are somewhere along the lines of "you silly goose didn't perceive this obvious thing! you must be blind!" tell me these are not literally connected.

in a world where blind people are marginalised, blindness shouldn't be used as a metaphor, shouldn't be used for things that have nothing to do with blindness, especially not by sighted people. the term "blind" should be reserved for things that actually have something to do with *visual* perception (which is why i'm personally fine with the term face-blind, btw, since a face is something you can actually see, but time isn't).

the author's main reason for continuing to call it time-blindness even after having been called out is that they want neurotypicals to understand that it's not a choice, it's not about being inconsiderate, it's not about not caring, it's about perception. but if they can't get that point across without fucking over a whole different disabled community, then i think they have more problems than just their time perception.

the whole article was basically just "multiple people have called my use of the term time-blindness ableist, i don't like that my stuff was shared with a content note for ableism and i think they're all wrong, here's my sighted opinion on why it's not ableist and why i'll keep using it".

i'd love to be able to say "if this is your approach, good luck with that" but unfortunately their stuff actually is popular, so. fuck.