#i don't exist heyyyyyy

[holyurei]

dark sebastian

[lunavrse]

（ OSCAR PIASTRI ）✶ ── APRIL FOOLS

✶ summary : some people ship you and oscar and some people don't even know that you're aware of each other's existence so your latest post really gets people riled up.

✶ category : smau

✶ notes : heyyyyyy. short little smau to get back into the swing of things, maybe I'll post more, probably not. this is for the anon who asked me about this months ago. i'm so sorry, I hated all the other versions of this and finally got some inspiration the other day and now i'm running with it. times and dates? irrelevant! spelling mistakes? (mostly) intentional !

Liked by bestfrienduser, logansargent, zendaya and 5 649 263 others

oscarpiastri at long last love has arrived

View all 7 826 comments

user somebody shoot me, like right now

user what. the. fuck.

user happy April 1st!!! hahaha!!!! so funny!!! very practical jokester!!!

user the way they look at each other 😭😭😭

user shayne and courtney core

user sobbing, nobody talk to me right now

user congratulations 🎉

user love that i clicked on your post notification and immediately got attacked😊

user please say this is for a movie

user idk, these look a little TOO real

user to LAURYN HILL??!?!! oh I'm kms if this isn't real

user i think i missed a few chapters...

user honey, the book wasn't even published

user what a beautiful couple 😍

lando you guys are unbelievable

user oh so it's fake, thanks for the confirmation

lando where did i say that?

user oh so it's real❓

lando didn't say that either

user you're a horrible person and not even your good looks can save you

lando so you think i'm good looking, thank you😏

user oh who is you

user oh Oscar's decided to become an actor, good for him

user even you don't believe that

user SOMEONE SAY SIKE RN

user real or not, they look so good together

user WHAT DO YOU MEAN YN LN AND OSCAR PIASTRI NOT ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER BUT ARE MARRIED??!!??!???

user life is not real

user craziest crossover

user please god, let this be real, i need this

user I really want to be it to be real but this literally looks like a movie and yn is an actor

user a movie with their friends and family?

user well, you can't really see their faces and movies always need extras

user not even joking, i genuinely dropped to my knees in despair

user the mclaren admin is going through it in the comments and they're so me

user real ones know oscar's been dating someone

user BUT HER?!??!! how did he keep that a secret

user genuinely don't know, if i was dating yn, i'd be singing it from the rooftops

user guess that's why they're married and you're alone

user 😦 too soon

user i basically stalk him and i didn't even know

user uhhh that's not...

user going in for more kisses?? destroyed me

nicolepiastri Welcome to the family(officially)! We're so excited to have you.

user everybody pack it up, nicole just confirmed it

user i won't believe it until april 3 bc she loves to go along with a joke

user i'm gonna cry

user this is how I'm gonna announce my relationship, no soft launching, just pictures from my wedding

user am i being punked rn

hattiepiastri finally oscar's done something useful! so happy to be able to call you my sister

user mans is literally a f1 driver but rn his biggest accomplishment is marrying yn

user well yes!

user this is so sweet

user ugh i love the piastris

mclaren my favourite actress marries my team's driver and i'm not even invited to the wedding 😭 why do bad things happen to me😭😭

user atp i need to go to the oscar piastri and tom holland school of manifestation

user i get tom because of the obvious but why Oscar?

user because i need to end up with matthew gray gubler or i will die

user so real of you

user added context bcz op's not adding it but there's a youtube video of a younger oscar mentioning that yn is his celeb crush

user WHAT? so nobody was going to mention this to me??

user i can send you the link?

user SEND ME THAT! SEND ME THAT!

user me too!!!

user me 3

user here's the link for anyone who wants to know : https://youtu.be/5cfbKEK5gzU?si=HwTsDDBAjF8stXly

user you're a doll !

user this is the hardest of hard launches😵‍💫

user ugh i love seeing gorgeous people together

user i would kill for this type of wedding

user I swear if they've linked up just to do this prank, i will commend them for the dedication to the bit but i will also lose my mind

user i won't believe this until i see a marriage certificate

user what in the snowbunny mind control 🫣

user very on brand i fear

user lord please, when will it be my turn🙏🏼

zendaya beautiful bride, beautiful wedding, beautiful day

user i just know she slayed

user call it a jlo concert ticket because I'm not buying it🙂‍↔️

user nae nae i know this is you

mclaren wow, so nobody told admin that oscar was dating yn and is now *checks notes* MARRIED to her... fake! ALL OF YOU

user don't worry admin, we all know how you feel

user swear i would've told you had i known🤞

user I feel like I'm in a mass hallucination

user no shade, it's all that shrooms n weed.

user you saying no shade doesn't mean shit and also doesn't mean you can publicly air out my business

user and yet i said what i said.

user best believe i'll be at your door in ten minutes

user oh oh oh oh oh shiver me timbers, girl please, you not gon do nothing.

user OK EVERYBODY GO HOME, APRIL FOOLS IS CANCELLED

user sure i knew they knew each other because they're celebrities and yn attends races when she can but this is insane

tomholland2013 you're joking

user we know you were there!!!

user is this gaslighting? am i being gaslighted right now? cause there's absolutely no way

user no, that's what your boyfriend does to you everytime you catch him cheating. this is real, keep up.

user UNPROVOKED?!?

user everyone on twitter who said i was crazy for shipping this was gagged🙂‍↕️

mclaren even lando knew??? omfg they hate me

lando what's that supposed to mean?

user that you're not very reliable and you can't keep secrets, pick one🤷‍♀️

lando er, don't you mean or?

user no.

user say sike right now, i'm begging you

user what is up with all of my favourite internet people and announcements on april fools??? like do they want me to go insane 😭😭

user okay

user they definitely posted this and immediately turned their phones off

user can't say i blame them

user I'd do the same

user saw a tweet about this and had to come running to see if it was true

user I'll believe it’s a prank until they both confirm it every day for the next few years

user "everyone who thinks this is real is so dumb" ok shut up, either it's not real and you can appreciate the prank or it is real and you're still not better than everyone else

youruser and oscarpiastri has added to their story.

user: see, you could convince five of your friends to get dressed up so i don't even know what's going on right now

user: like i said, unless there's a marriage certificate, i do not believe it😪

user: i won't believe it and i won't accept it

user: this is such a great bit, next april fools' joke should be pregnancy!

lunavrse: i think i did a good job at making the dresses blue but don't look too closely 🙏

user: a day i will continuously try to erase from my mind

user: my sister's gonna be devastated by this, can't wait to tell her😈

user: you're actually married? diva down✊😔

bridesmaiduser: ugh we look so good 😊

user: women>>>

user: what a beautiful venue

user: I’m going to carry on with my day and pretend this isn’t true

user: so jealous

bridesmaid2user: so lucky to be apart of your beautiful day❤️

user: this makes me feel so lonely, but congratulations on your (real) marriage

user: just cause you rented a venue doesnt make you married!!

user: you're lucky you got to her before me

logansargent: with the amount of alcohol available I'm surprised i didn't forget my own name

user: insert I don't need sleep, I need answers meme

tagged : oscarpiastri, officiant

Liked by oscarpiastri, bestfrienduser and others

youruser yes we are actually married. sorry to everyone who wants him, the boy is mine💋

View all 2 328 comments

user i feel like I've been stabbed

user i've been stabbed, this is worse actually 😀

user you're taking the piss

user can we talk about how good you look!!!!

user To Japanese denim?!!??! OH😭

user never dedicating that song for NO ONE

user especially not for a man😔

user right😭😭

user sooo happy for you guys... but seriously, on the phone that i pay for is crazy

user i know that man don't play about you

user me and pookie

user girl what❓ your man stay playing in your face

user glad this wasn't a prank, genuinely happy you guys are together ❤️

user girl, the boy in question said he sees god in your eyes, you won

bestfrienduser guys this is a joke, she's actually married to me and we just had oscar fill in for the prank

youruser you play too much

user you know I'd actually believe this

oscarpiastri yeah absolutely, thanks for letting me be apart of the special moment🙏

user i've had a few days to come to terms with this and i still can't believe this is real, like this is the timeline im in 🤯

user reacted '👍🏽' to your message

user this took me out

user real

user now you're just flexing on us and i don't mind it🤷‍♀️

user Oh how I love this song

oscarpiastri i only want you, can't even think about anyone else

youruser i'm obsessed with you.

user how i want my man

user may a love like this find me

user okay, you've convinced me, congratulations on your marriage🫶

user still don't see a marriage certificate 🥱

user ITS REAL?!?!

rachelzegler wait-

user just opened this app btw

oscarpiastri my wife everybody!!!

youruser my husband!!!!

user ofc he's a wife guy, love that 🤭

zendaya they're so in love it's sickening

youruser nawtt the woman who gushed about how in love she is with her partner only yesterday, unprovoked mind you

user real lover girls🙂‍↕️

zendaya and i stand by my words

user okay, i checked out the wedding officiant's page and it seems legit, they're actually married you guys

user sometimes you really just have to say damn and scroll

charlesleclerc oh my god you guys, I thought this was just for the bit, can't believe that was a real ceremony

user you're not funny, the jokes over😶

user Ariana Grande mention🚨🚨🚨

oscarpiastri has added to their story.

user: you're not special, i also see god in her eyes, in fact i cry because she's so beautiful

user: you're so real for this

user: i believe this how every man should think about his wife *olivia wilde nodding gif*

user: and i was right

youruser: still can't believe i get to wake up next to you

oscarpiastri: best feeling in the world

user: yeah, I'd be bragging about the fact that i married her every chance i get

user: you know, you're actually kinda funny sometimes. catches me off guard

user: drop the manifestation technique king🙏

user: you're the only man who deserves rights

and also my boyfriend

user: she's so gujdehnht. you're so lucky

user: wishing y'all a lifetime of happiness

user: Oscar how could you do this to me? this was supposed to be us ever since we locked eyes in a mall that one time. I don't know how you could betray me and just go on your day like what we had didn't matter.

user: life is so crazy, one day im shipping you and the next you're married

user: saw the interview, read the article and I'm still shocked

youruser has added to their story.

[luizd3ad]

Heyyyyyy :D :D

May I pleaseeeee request ploy!bartylus (that's probably spelt wrong) x reader? (Gn if that's okay!!!!) Like maybe reader it's supper into true crime or something similar but is a little over confident and a little stupid and keeps like kinda-ish-maybe accidently or not accidently seeking out active murders and not telling the boys before they go and like almost die now and then. or something. like anything is fine, I love ur writing so much ur so cool and amazing and thank you for existing please go drink water and have a lil snack that makes u happy and like don't eat a butterfly and idk ur very cool I hope you've had a great week and a good hair day and okay bye bye now um

I Was Just Curious... | Bartylus X Reader

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ࣪˖⤷ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ࣪ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ˖ ⤷

Pairing: Barty Crouch Jr x Regulus Black x GN! Reader WC: 1,623 CW: Talks of injury, being stabbed, blood loss, serial killers, murders, crime, police, swearing, polyamorous relationships. Author's Note: Omg, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get this out I've just been so busy lately thank you so much for the request and I hope you like it <3

ALSO HAPPY FUCKING SPOOKY SEASON EVERYONE!!!!

Summary: You cant help that you're curious...

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You were always so surprised that it took muggle police so long to figure out the identities and the patterns of the killers they were investigating. 

Honestly it didn't even feel like they were actually trying half the time.

It normally only took you about two days to figure out the identities of the people who were committing these crimes.

Admittedly you did have your magic and what not so that probably did give you what some might consider an ‘unfair’ advantage to the muggle police but that's besides the point.

The point was you liked finding out who these people were, you liked reading what crimes they had committed, obviously not to idolize them but because you were just simply curious. 

You were curious as to the why’s and what’s.

Why did they do it? Why those specific people? What drove them to this point? Ect. Ect.

So when you figured out that you could use your magic to find these people, that you could find out who they were. You perhaps got a little too excited. 

But who could blame you?

You finally had the chance to have answers to the questions that would flood your mind when you read about the heinous and disgusting acts that they would commit. 

So you would find them, confront them. Ask them the questions that would practically drive you mad and then turn them in. 

Was it the smartest thing in the world to confront murders and serial killers?

Absolutely not. Not in the slightest.

And your friends and boyfriends would tell how absolutely idiotic it was as often as they could. How they absolutely hated the fact that you were now putting yourself in danger in the name of curiosity.

The thing that bothered your boyfriends the most was that you would never tell anyone when you were going on your little ‘suicide missions’ as Barty called them. You would just leave, disappear without a word.

Now most of the time you would come home completely fine once in a while you came home with cuts and bruises, that would absolutely stress Regulus and Barty out to no end, but you never came hurt genuinely injured.

That was until today.

You had confronted a particularly nasty man. He was the worst of the worst at this point. 

He didn't appreciate being found out and he had no problem expressing that when he made the choice to come at you with a knife.

Now here you were stumbling into your dark and empty flat that you share with Barty and Regulus clutching to your side as the crimson sticky liquid seeped through your shirt coating your hand.

You had lost a decent amount of blood so you started to feel quite weak and dizzy already, apparating home probably was not the best choice in keeping your strength, but I digress.

You stumbled through the door clutching at your side bumping into the wall knocking over a picture frame glass shattering on the floor. You felt dizzy, weak and Merlin did it hurt like hell.

You were leaning against the wall for support, looking paler by the second slowly losing consciousness as you slowly sunk to the floor as the world around you started to fade into black. 

Eventually you had woken up to the sun spilling through the windows your eyes opening to see a white ceiling, the sun only making the white seem brighter. You couldn't help but close your eyes once again or the small wince that fell from your lips at the sudden brightens.

“Oh thank Salazar you're awake.”

You didn't have to look to know it was Regulus as he whispered; he sounded so relieved, so worried and so so exhausted.

You turned your head and opened your eyes meeting the sight of your normally stoic and well put together lover. 

Next to him was a sleeping Barty, he was curled up on a chair, his position looking beyond uncomfortable.

They both looked like hell.

They looked exhausted.

“Reg… Where…?”

You tried to speak but your throat hurt feeling so dry.

“Here, drink first.” Regulus helped you sit up slowly. 

You had felt a slight dull pain in your side where you had been stabbed. You watched as Regulus poured you a glass of water now realizing just how thirsty you were.

You gladly accepted the glass taking a long drink trying to help soothe your aching throat.

“We’re in St Mungo's, you've been passed out for over a day. Barty and I came home to find you bleeding on the floor… Y/N what in Merlin's name happened?” You had never heard Regulus sound so worried and concerned.

“I- I went to look for the man who's been killing people in London… he got upset that I knew it was him. He came after me…”

Your voice trailed off. You knew Regulus would be upset. He and Barty had told you countless times that you needed to stop but of course you never listened.

The sigh that left Regulus’ lips could only be described as disappointed and frustrated. 

“Why? Why do you constantly do this?! We could have lost you Y/N!”

It was rare that Regulus yelled or shouted but he had never yelled at you up until this point.

His yelling had woken Barty up to the sight of a very pissed Regulus and you looking down like a scolded child.

“Oh thank Merlin you're awake, angel.” 

Barty took no time to be at your side, completely ignoring Regulus and his scolding look. 

Barty tilled your chin up with his fingers kissing the tip of your nose and then your lips softly, he then looked into your eyes with so much love and relief that you almost forgot how mad Regulus was.

“Are you okay? How are you feeling? How's your pain? Do you need anything?”

“I’m fine Barty, just a little pain. I’m fine I promise.”

Yours and Bartys attention was pulled away from each other when you heard a small scoff come from Regulus.

“Alright, Black. What's crawled up your ass? Our angel is awake and fine. You should be grateful that they're okay.” 

Barty turned and looked at Regulus with a glare. He was clearly getting upset with what he considered Regulus’s ‘unnecessary and bitchy’ attitude. 

“Why don't you ask them how they got hurt in the first place?” Regulus’ jaw was clenched a little, not bothering to hide his irritation. 

Barty looked back at you a little hesitant and confused (something that was very unBarty-like) he then looked at you with raised eyebrows waiting for you to say something.

You were visibly hesitant and nervous.

“Go on. Tell him Y/N.” Regulus countied not trying to hide that he was still very pissed.

“I went to confront the man who has been murdering people in London. He attacked me.”

“Oh for fucks sake…” Barty mumbled running a hand through his hair. “We told you to stop doing that, Y/N.”

“I know, I know and I'm sorry I- I couldn't help it. I'm just so curious…”

“We understand that but your curiosity isn't worth your life… we can't lose you.” 

When you looked up at Regulus as he spoke the last thing you expected to see was the tears brimming in his eyes. 

That only made you feel worse. 

To see one of the loves of your life with tears in his eyes killed a part of you.

“You can't do this anymore, angel. I had never been so bloody scared in my life. Walking in our home and seeing your lifeless body… I can't ever go through that again. We can't ever go through that again.”

Barty’s words pulled your attention away from Regulus for a moment, your actions finally dawning on you.

You had been stupid. So fucking stupid. You felt terrible.

“I’m sorry. Truly. I won't do it anymore. I'll find another way to cure my curiosity. I- I didn't mean for it all to go this far… to worry you both so much. I feel terrible.”

“I'm not going to say that it's fine because it's not, but we understand. We just can't stand the idea of something happening to you. You mean everything to us. It would ruin us if something happened to you. It's supposed to be the three of us. Forever.”

Barty sat on the hospital bed next to you, his hand resting on yours as he looked at you with love and concern swimming in his eyes. “Regs right, angel. You have to stop these little suicide missions. If me and Reg were only a few more minutes late, who knows what would have happened.”

“You're both right. I'm done. Honest.”

“That's all we ask, amour. We love you too much to see something happen to you.” Regulus sat on the other side of you putting your hand in his and kissing your hand softly, his anger and frustration from before forgotten.

“I love you both so much…”

You whispered as the exhaustion from your body healing and the high amount of emotions caught up to you, slowly you started to fall asleep. 

The last thing you felt and heard before sleep consumed you was Barty crawling up next to you wrapping you in his arms and then the soft sound of Regulus chuckling.

You always knew you were lucky. That you were lucky beyond belief.

You had amazing friends and two amazing partners that meant the world to you.

In that moment you had realized that your questions would just have to remain unanswered. That being here with them was so much more important than any answer to any question you could ever have.

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷

[suddenly-likes-musicals]

heyyyyyy paul! it's 🐍 again!

are you aware of professor hidgens? he might be able to get you (and @ccrp-technical-this-is-charlotte) a cure for that... blue shit.

i'm sorry.... about your sickness. that looks horrible to go through.

and don't ask how i am saying 🐍 aloud. i'm like some eldritch being or something that exists beyond reality.

(and to pokotho, fuck you. i like musicals but that's way too much. leave paul and hatchetfield ALONE or i will use my eldritch magical girl abilities or whatever the fuck to blast you out of existence)

-🐍

oh, i-i can't pronounce that so i'll just say snake for now. also i've... kinda just stopped questioning all the weird unexplained shit that goes on. i, uh... i definitely know about hidgens. problem is he's a bit, uh... i-inaccessible at the moment. in my current timeline, at least. if i talk to him at all, it'll be next time i'm forcibly thrown into a new one. but also i... really don't trust him to not try to actually make me start/continue the apotheosis. last i saw, he tied up ted and emma and tried getting them and himself infected so... p-pass. appreciate the thought, though.

[kawaiijohn]

Danny tries to pawn the Ghost King position off on his classmates.

Idk what I was doing, and then suddenly it turned into wes/danny I'm so fucking sorry?

T rating I embarrassed myself fucking writing this bc it came out of nowhere girl (gn) HELP

"Hey Dash how about instead of you focusing on your homework you just start beating me up, just like old times! I sure miss being slammed into a locker."

Dash looks at Fenton, confused before scoffing.

"Even though I normally love wailing on you, Fenturd, coach needs me on my best behavior. State's next week and I'm one loser swirlie away from being suspended."

"I won't scream or anything, I promise! Whaddya say? You get to beat the snot out of me and I won't even complain! I'll even thank you for it." Danny responds, looking around nervously. "But I'm in a bit of a rush, so can you make it quick and do it, say, before six tonight?"

Danny gives the other boy the saddest, most punchable puppy dog eyes he possibly can.

Dash rolls his eyes seeing Fenton ham it up. The loser only does this for his birthday, so it's really weird having him request it four months in advance. Dash decides to ignore the request, only gently pushing the dweeb out of his way. "Beat it, Fentertainment Tonite- I know you don't have a life, but I do."

Danny curses as Dash disappears down the halls.

"I know you want to punch me. You wanna do it so bad." Danny eggs on another of the jocks- Travis, he thinks. "Remember that time I said you punch like my Grandma?"

His grandma taught both his mom and aunt how to fight, but Travis doesn't need to know that.

"Beat it, jackwipe!" Travis shoves Danny out of the way and continues down the hall.

"The one time I need to be shoved into a locker or punched, none of the jocks want to even look at me." Danny bemoans.

He's already struck out with Dash and Kwan- both of which need to stay as non violent as possible with administration lurking around this close to their big game. Paulina pretended he didn't exist, and Star laughed in his face. Something about 'she already kicked his ass months ago'. Which was true, but he was certain he's done something since then worth beating him up for.

"I can't ask Sam or Tuck, it's gotta be someone I hate." Danny pauses with a shudder. "But definitely not Vlad- he already has an ego the size of the Milky Way..."

Danny hears the bell ring and wipes his sweaty palms on his pants.

He has until six tonight to get his ass beat. He can do that, right?

---

Danny is downright panicked now.

Detention really put a damper on his plans. Being stuck in a sweltering classroom with Lancer and Wes only made him more nervous. It really didn't help that Lancer needed helping hands for some after school thing.

Danny only has one option, and he's glad it's one of his 'enemies'.

"Heyyyyyy Wes, what's happening tonight?" Danny slings his arm around the tall boy's shoulder, pulling him down to pipsqueak height. "Wasn't that round of detention just fun?"

Wes nearly growls and shoves Danny off of him. "Fenton! You're the reason I was even there in the first place! If it wasn't for you and your stupid ghost bullshit I would have gotten to class on time!"

"Yeah?" Danny asks, being as annoyingly positive as he possibly can. "Well it's good that there was two of us, or else Lancer wouldn't have let either of us out until well after six!"

Danny looks at the clock nervously- five fifty.

He has ten minutes.

"I don't find moving entire stacks of chairs halfway across the school fun, or even a fair punishment for being late twice in a week. So what if the crafting club has their expo tonight? They should be the ones moving furniture." Wes tries to overtake Danny in the hall but he can't outwalk the other boy.

"But we got to spend all day with each other! Isn't that just swell?" Danny pukes in his mouth a little. He's got a goalpost to reach in less than ten minutes, and my the Ancients he's gonna do it.

"Spending time with a chronic liar and freak of nature isn't really what I consider fun, Fenton."

"Yeah, but we really bonded, don't you think? Had some quality one-on-one without you being a creep outside my house."

Wes's face reddens. "HEY! That was one time, and I don't want to have the cops chase me again. Or your parents, who are worse somehow."

"See, we're bonding here!" Danny jogs alongside Wes, making sure to keep pace at just the right level of obnoxious. But we should really bond sometime in the next... eight minutes."

"God there it is again! What? Do you have important Phantom shit to do at six or something?" Wes rubs his temples. "You're being freakier than normal today and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it."

"There's nothing to get to the bottom of, I just have something to do later. Not Phantom or ghost related- something completely normal and human, yep."

"God you piss me the fuck off, Fenton." Wes crosses his arms and blocks the doorway out of the school. "And one of these days, I'm gonna get you to confess, and then it'll be all over."

"Yeah, that's nice and all, but like, wouldn't it just be so satisfying to, I dunno, take out all that pent up frustration on me?" Danny grins devilishly at the other boy. "Come on, I have such a punchable face! Aaaaand since you say I'm a ghost or whatever it won't actually hurt me, right?"

Danny gets right up into Wes's personal space and looks up at him with a shit-eating grin.

"Back off, Fenton." Wes backs himself against the lockers. He looks anywhere but Danny's face. "Personal space is a concept even stupid ghosts understand."

"Yeah, but if I'm a stupid ghost doesn't that make you wanna prove it? Can't you prove it by beating me up? You have a camera..." Danny reaches for the camera slung around Wes's shoulder and points it at his own face. "It'd be soooo easy."

Wes's face is currently doing its best impression of a tomato as he continues to ignore Danny.

"Please? I'm gonna start begging you to beat my ass soon if you don't acknowledge me, Wes."

"Back. Off. Fenton." Wes stares Danny right in the face. "Last chance."

Danny does the opposite and yanks Wes to stare him in the eyes. "You wanna punch me so bad it makes you look stupid, Weston." Danny chuckles and makes his eyes flash green. "Your face is sooooo red with rage- you wanna kick my ass, admit it!"

Danny barely gets a warning before Wes lunges and tackles him to the ground with a kiss.

Both boys gasp in surprise and Wes backs himself against the lockers with a loud bang.

They sit in silence, staring at each other in disbelief before Danny laughs.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Sh-shut up! It's not my fault you're kind of..."

"Wait, have you been staring at me this whole time because you're crushing on me?" Danny laughs in disbelief as Wes turns even brighter red. "Is that how you 'accidentally' discovered my secret?"

"No!" Wes sputters out. "I don't sta-"

"Stalk me, yeah. Dude you follow me around with a camera to try and expose me. What sort of fruitloop shit are you pulling??"

"Well, if you weren't lying about being a human, then I wouldn't need to-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Danny doesn't know how to feel about it, really. Wes is kind of cute, and he's unhinged just like the rest of his friends. But he's also obsessed with exposing him, and kind of stalks him (to no success).

He spends a few moments before he glances at the clock again.

Two minutes left.

He can use this to his advantage, even if it's dirty and underhanded.

"Hey Wes. You really fucking suck at kissing." He eggs the other boy on. "Like, zero technique, all desperation!"

"Shut up!"

Wes starts crying a little. Danny only feels a little bad, but he really needs this to happen.

"What, even I've kissed people before and I'm a loser! Plus I bet you can't even man up and fight me like I want- you're such a little cuck boy, Weston! Always relying on other people to do the dirty work of beating my ass so you can gather your evidence like a little bitch in the dark."

"I said shut up!" Wes's face is bright red again- an angry embarrassment with tears streaming down his face.

But he still has to keep going, even if it feels gross to do this to someone who he kind of likes.

"Make me, Wesley." He spits.

---

It's a dirty brawl but it ends with a very red-faced Wes pinning a bruised and elated Danny to the ground. The latter feels awful about playing dirty with Wes's feelings, but it seems the other boy really needed to take out his rage on him.

"Sooooo, you admit you have complete victory in this fight, right Wes?" Danny smiles up from underneath the other boy.

Wes sputters, his face still bright red and tears running down his cheeks. "You're such a fucking little shit, Fenton."

"Thanks, I try!. But I need you to accept that I'm saying you have total victory in this fight."

Wes sighs and lets go of Danny's wrists and sits back against the lockers. "Yeah, sure. I beat your ass fair and square. Also do you know how weird it is to see you healing this fast? I swear I gave you a black eye."

"You did. I'm just a fast healer." Danny sits up and looks around. He feels... guilty. At least for only finding one person to do this to.

The clock strikes six.

"Also, I'm sorry I lied- you're not a bad kisser. I just needed you to beat my ass. Also sorry about what's about to happen." Danny rubs the back of his neck.

"Sorry about wha-" Wes is interrupted by a portal opening beside the two of them.

"Sorry for being impolite, we should assume." An Observant materializes out of the void beside him. "It's not polite for the crown prince to wait until the last minute to find a replacement, but since you have... bested Prince Phantom in combat, albeit not formal combat, the rules are the rules."

Wes glares at Danny who is doing his best trying to disappear without going ghost.

"Prince Phantom??" Wes spits at the other boy.

"Yep! Former Prince Phantom." Danny smirks. "And again, sorry, but they only gave me today until six to find a replacement. The whole King schtick isn't really my jam."

Wes stares at the other boy as more Observants spill from the hole in reality and bow to him.

"Fenton..."

"Hey! I'm not gonna bail on you or anything. You still need an advisor- I just really don't wanna deal with the formality shit. Hope you understand!"

Danny gives Wes a peace sign as he's escorted through the portal, pissed off, confused, and shell-shocked.

[popculturebuffet]

Pirate Month III Finale: Garfield's Halloween Adventure (Here Comes Garfield) (Patreon Review for Emma Fici)

Arrr me hearties and welcome to the FINAL instalment of Pirate Month. I gotta say this may be our best yet: while I had my doubts going in from the weirdness of the wiggles to the heights of pirates 2 this has been a lot of fun and reminded me of the possiblity of this.

Speaking of which we're ending on a high as we return to Here Comes Garfield my look at garfield's career in specials and film. We'll be taking another break next month, like muppet maddness emma's allowed me to be flexible, but rest assured i'm having a lot of fun with these and while I consdiered doing Garfield In Paradise as I wanted some summer fun.. I ultimately couldn't deny what fit here best. Don't worry we have just the right treat for halloween though.. after all halloween's all about putting on another face.. and garfield's had 9.. or shall we say 13.

On that tease for next time, let's talk about the special before us. Garfield's Halloween Adventure is his fourth special, and i'd say one of the most remembered. While Garfield's other holiday specials have failed to catch a ton of attention outside garfield fans and those who grew up with it, Halloween Adventure seems to get talked about more.

It's easy to see why: Halloween Adventure is the best of the three. Christmas is awesome and I talked about why last month, having a ton of heart and a clear perosnal bent from Jim Davis, and Thanksgiving... sure does exist. But Halloween both perfectly fits the season and garfield all at once: it's got all the coziness of halloween from trying on costumes to carving pumpkins to the eerie yet fun atmosphere of trick or treating.. and all teh scares with a few smaller ones spread about, nothing too severe.. and then a spooky enough final act that comes out of nowhere and just.. works. While garfield woudl take a genuine stabs at horror later with a segment in the 9 lives book and a week of strips where he wakes up to find the house long abandoned and john and odie long gone, this is more just some fun. As Davis himself said, it's more a regular garfield story with some scares at the end for four year olds. IT's a fun, breezy specail I can't wait to break down.

We open on a crisp and cozy halloween morning around 5am as we get the debut of a legend: On the TV Binky the Clown wakes Garfield for exercises.

Binky is one of the best garfield recurring characters, played by John's va Thom Huge. While he started here he'd quickly become a key part of garfield and friends when it aried, showing up regularly, having tons of fan support and even making it into the strip

I was also shocked to find when looking him up on the garfield wiki he has his own burger chain binky burger, which seems to show up more than he does

It's also amazing how much of the guy was down from the start: his hammy personality, catchphrase of "HEYYYYYY KIIIIIDDDS", antagonism of Garfield and general obnoxious hostility. Despite not being physically present you can tell WHY Garfield hates this guy most of the time and why Davis and co brought him back for Garfield and Friends. He hasn't been properly brought back since, likely because Thom Huge retired though he did make cameos on products in the garfield movie. He feels like a protypical Krusty the Clown: children's tv host, merchandises himself to hell, has run ins with the main characters but firmly existed before him. I think the creators just had similar childhoods growing up with tv clowns and took them in diffrent directions: Krusty is enthusastic on screen burnt out and kinda sleazzy off while Binky is ALWAYS on, just as much of a dick as krusty but that kind of manic. As seen above in the strip even when he's being a dick it's clear he takes his craft VERY seriously.

So Binky making fat jokes, calling people who don't exercise worthless and generally being the clown prince of dickheads is both deeply entertaning and causes Garfield to change the channel... only to change it back when Binky mentions candy. Garfield's reminded it's halloween and wnats to be in shape to get candy dosen't he.

We launch into our standard Lou Rawls opening number and as usual it's a lot of fun. This is the Night is a fun song about going out to trick or treat. The man never failed to make his song the best minute of the special. And he's got another later lucky us.

So Garfield does what he does best.. harasses john, scaring him so he ends up wearing a pumpkin on his head as is his lot in life. I do like how this special really leans into one of my faviorite aspects: Garfield is more than anything John's spoiled son. The age varies, usually he's a bratty teen but here he comes off more like a big kid, and that sponebobian flexiblity really works for the character. Garfile dhas a blankie and flights of fantasy btu generally just vegges out and spends all johns money. He can be a kid or a teen depending on what joke works better and his status as a cat means which one dosen't firmly matter.

Anyways garfield decides to get candy candy candy, and soon runs into odie who scares him using the same pumpkin what ended up on john. Naturally he dosen't find it amusing. I hadn't noticed before but the first half of this special is a nice slow burn: for the first 2/3 it's just normal garfield stuff but on HALLOWEEN, and the holiday fits him well: it's all about spooky stuff, which he's been shown to love when it's not real as garfield watching late night double features is a recurring thing in the strip, and excess, which is his whole deal.

So to get more of that candy candy candy, Garfield enlists odie, who true to form is too stupid to know wha thalloween is so garfield says dogs help cats get candy candy candy. And just to go ahead and tackle it, Garfile'ds regular increasingly manic shouts of CANDY CANDY CANDY are amazing and a testiament to Lorenzo music's talent

Speaking of testiaments to Lorenzo music's talents, the next musical number, of three is what should I be and it's one of only TWO times Garfield sings in the all 12 specials. And Lorenzo makes a meal of it it's a fun song about how he could be whatever he wants from a "an astronaut a robot a king or a clown or a alien creature going out on the town" with some nicely spooky image of garfield as a vampire bat or a big black halloween cat. It's a fun jaunty number and cute as hell.

Eventually, and the reason why we're here, Garfield settles on pirates. His pillaging John's Lasanga is both predictable and shocking of him to not you know, have some ready. IT's late enough in the characters history he should just accept this is his fate to feed a cat Lasanga and move on with his life.

So with that our heroes head out into the night, and garfield threatens a woman who only gives him one.. and she takes it seriously as garfield won't murder over much, not worth the effort but he will murder anyone in his way of food Jon included. He once strangeled the guy for not getting up to feed him

And that was year one garfield. I'm suprised John's neck isn't in a brace forevermore from that.

So after getting plenty of candy we get our final musical number, as Lou Rawls sings for garfield that the one thing he's not is a scardy cat, my faviorite song of the special. I love his smooth vocals and the sheer weirdness of this section as every trick or treater garfield unmasks, trying to prove to odie it's just kayfabe bro is some sort of monster. I mean come on guys when else are they going to get out and party, get candy or go to an I hate my ex party. Let em have their fun.

So with that Garfield has a scheme as he notices another neighborhood across the river and a small boat and being a pirate decides to set sail. This goes as poorly as you'd expect as they soon get lost.

This is where the last act kicks in and it's a doozy: okay so for the last act the pirate stuff ramps up and it's why I couldnt' resisit including it. while Garfiled wearing a pirate costume is frankly enough to fit pirate month, Wiggles having about 5 minutes of pirate nonsense sure did, it's this last part that made it essential. It's an act dripping with atmosphere gorgeous animation and one creepy old man.

So garfield knocks on a house and decides when he dosen't get an answer to sneak in at night and wreck up the place. Instead turns out there's a person there an old man lit only by fire light alone in a creepy old mansion. Garfield's reactoin is an understandable

But the old man tells them to stay. He's played by tv and film vet C Lindsay Workman who just had a perfectly deep booming voice.

It's here he regails us with a tale: 100 years ago some pirates hid their gold swearing everyone to secrecy.. including a lowly cabin boy

Yup. They vowed to come back in 100 years to get back their gold. And tonight's that night. Garfield decides wisely to RUN RUN BITCH RUN USE ODIE AS A SHIELD RUN but our dynamic duo find the old man stole their boat and now there's a ghost in this home, and it's not better than being a alone. Since this house is haunted and that's not the way tehyw ant it garfield hides but gets found out in a quick gag. The ghosts.. look amazing using rotoscoping to give them this nice pale blue look as they search for their gold. It's a fun tense sequence as our heroes barely escape jumping for it and taking it to the river, dipping in the water.. only for Garfield to realize he can't swim. Sadly he hadn't learned a crucial fact just yet he'd learn later that year.

Thankfully odie has the strength of a mack truck and lifts him. We get a genuinely touching ending too: the pirates get their gold.. and Garfield, in a move he FULLY admits is out of character and casues him some pain... gives Odie his fair share of their candy, as the old man left it behind.. either after the pirates murdered him or he retreated back into the depths of hell.. or into a hosting gig s he's later shown hosting a pirate movie marathon.

And so with that button Pirate Month ends and so does this special. Halloween Adventure is possibly the best garfield specail, only slightly behind babes and bullets, a fun heartfelt and breezy thrill ride that gets halloween and garfield just right while throwing one small bit of heart in at the end that works. IT's funny, spooky and good stuff

Ranking wise...

Next Time: With this gone and september off what will we do for the actual halloween? Well as I hinted when you've got 9 lives you've got nine ways to loose as we look at BOTH major versions of garfield's nine lives: the original book and it's special adaptation.

[k-is-for-potassium]

Heyyyyyy, I don't much about you either, so I've created a little ask list!

What type of music do you like? Which artists do you enjoy listening too?

I'm also kind of curious, which fandoms do happen to exist in >:3

Which instrument that you have is your favourite instrument to play?

Which epic song and saga do youike the most, and why do you favour these ones?

(This one is very extremely only answer if you want) are you LQBTQIA+, and if so, in what way?

The same rules apply here! You don't have to answer anything you feel uncomfortable answering, and just have fun!

oooo thanks for the ask!!! :33

i have a very extensive music taste, but it really narrows down to like four genres: pop-rock-punk music, like mcr, noahfinnce, and green day; pop artists, like chappell roan, taylor swift, and olivia rodrigo; musicals like epic (duh lol), dear evan hansen, and hamilton; and soft music like cavetown, lyn lapid, and madilyn mei! this isn't even a full list, just the basics lol

quite a few fandoms! musicals, pjo and the riordanverse, plain greek mythology (though i only really know the basics), house md (tv show), silly indie cartoons like hazbin hotel and metal family! also a lot more, but this is js off the top of my head :3

omg idk.... maybe clarinet? or guitar? thats a hard one lol. guitar and piano are very versatile, but flute and clarinet are just fun to play, yk?

ooo good question. i think my favorite sagas are thunder and vengeance (absolute bangers all the way), but idk about a fave song! i think my favorites to sing along to are ruthlessness and no longer you, but the hermes songs are always the best

i am!! mostly the a, lol. im oriented aroace and some kind of demigirl? idrk, but lately ive been question being enby

thanks so much for the asks!! sorry for the rambles, that's just kinda how i am lol

[lunapwrites]

Today in "LP fell into a random research hole" -

Why do we use the possessive "'s"?

Is it a contraction? If so, what of?

Oh neat, the one that puts the apostrophe at the end of an existing S has a name. Sometimes.

"Saxon genitive." Hm. What the fuck is a genitive.

"Grammatical construction used to express a relation between two nouns such as the possession of one by another." Okay so basically what it said on the tin lol.

So this is apparently Old English in origin, but why.

Oh heyyyyyy found it. I think.

An inflectional suffix what in the Kentucky fried fuck is that lmao

Me with my whole ass English degree: I have never seen these words before in my life.

"A suffix that changes the grammatical properties of the root word it's attached to." Excuse me what.

... OH. Plurals, verb tense, and degree. That... makes sense.

[tfw you forget that grammar is a broad term]

Ohhhh interesting it used to be an "es" suffix for... [squint] whatever the fuck a declension noun is.

... This some Latin shit.

Declension = inflection of nouns, so therefore relates to the inflectional suffix mentioned above.

This is a lot, so uh

Makes sense for my purposes.

Used to only use "es" for strong declension nouns (idk why they were strong but w/e not today satan.)

Was eventually used for all nouns, but in many cases the E fell silent.

French printers apparently used an apostrophe in place of the letter E? And the English just. Adopted this practice? And used it for not only possessive but plural forms

Because the plurals used the "as" suffix

My brother in christ are you trying to tell me that the sentence "I visited several church's" was actually canon for a brief period in time

That hurt to write.

Okay so apparently Middle English kind of got its shit together and changed the "as" words to "es" in the world's weirdest twist, and extended it to all plural and not just the super cool strong declensions.

There was a 40 year period in which English speakers were collectively smoking crack and spelled the possessive as "his." As in "James his cloak." Which like FAIR but also I hate it.

-- looping back around to this I don't know how many weeks later, and I've completely forgotten why I fell down this hole (random intrusive thought probably) but man this was fun to read back on in my drafts so HERE YOU GO.

[pixelated-screaming]

HIHIHIHI HELLOO!!!!!! Here's some links so you can get to know me!!! :D (also so I don't make this post the longest post to ever exist /j)

Also, some other socials!

Discord: pixelnotez

[maspers]

Describing every single fricking SCP Object Class

It is apparently customary in the SCP Community to use the "locked box" analogy whenever possible, so I shall be doing the same. I... might have some trouble, but oh well that is what they call life. Standard Object Classes (aka the ones that people actually use)

Safe: You put it in a box. Nothing happens.

Euclid: You put it in a box. You're not quite sure what's gonna happen.

Keter: You put it in a box. Oh crap it's escaping.

Thaumiel: It either IS the box, or is helping you put other stuff in boxes.

Neutralized: It no longer needs to be in a box.

Decommissioned: It no longer needs to be in a box... because you destroyed it.

Apollyon: A box will not help. Nothing will help. Accept your doom. Archon: You could put it in a box, but you decided it's better if you didn't.

Explained: You thought it needed to be put in a box but turns out it was just a regular thing that doesn't require a box.

Pending: You haven't tried to put it in a box.

Esoteric Object Classes (aka Heyyyyyy what if we made things MORE complicated)

Absentia: You use it to keep nonexistent stuff into the "box" that is nonexistence. Acquiesce: You can't put it in a box. Deal with it.

Adventure: You put it in a box. Suddenly, you realize life is exciting, and records about you start portraying you in a manner befitting your exciting life. Oh wait, no, that’s just a side effect of putting the thing in the box. Aegis: It was specifically created to protect your putting-stuff-in-boxes activities.

Aether: Some people claim it exists. If you find out it does, then you'll put it in a box.

Aicalë: You put it in a box, with the knowledge that it’s not staying there. Ain: You put it in a box. Eventually it will cause the end of the world.

Ain-Soph-Aur: You don’t put it in a box. It manages itself, and the continued existence of normal humans that don’t need to be put in boxes. Aisna: It makes more stuff that you might need to put in boxes. But you can use it. And it might be part god.

Anesidora: You put it in a box, and must prohibit the box from mixing with other boxes. Anomalous: You could put it in a box and study it further but it's useless so who cares? Antithesis: It must be used to keep itself and other stuff from being put in boxes.

Apologize: Someone had some kind of breakdown while writing this. Probably has to do with the thing you’re putting in a box. Archived: Maybe you put it in a box once but now you no longer need to care about it, so you've stashed the files away. Argus: Someone other than you put it in a box. Asura: You can't do anything to it, but that's fine because it's harmless. Atlas: It is what allows you to continue existing, so you shouldn't put it in a box.

Axiom: 42 Azathoth: You put it in a box. Egads! This thing is definitely very dangerous and deserving of a cool and unique object class.

Bakkhos: Putting it in a box is difficult because defining boundaries of any sort becomes a lot harder when it is involved. Belial: Its box (if it exists) is outside of your jurisdiction, so you use a metaphorical box for it instead.

Beautiful: You put it in a box. And now you and everyone else studying it worships it.

BFF: You put it in a box. It emits a memetic effect that causes people to take it out of the box. (There are a lot of weird ones like this) Binah: What is this, Persona 5?

Boltzmann: You cannot put it in a box. Which is good, since it's necessary for your continued existence.

Cartel: You were going to put it into a box, but then your managers (Regional and Overwatch Command) told you to make it Uncontained instead (see below). Cernunnos: You could theoretically put it in a box, but you don't have the ability to do so right now.

CHALLENGE: Identical to Safe, but part of the box it’s in involves referring to it in a specific way. Chelovek: You don't need to put it in a box because the HR department is doing it for you. Chesed: You are working together with the affected parties to keep it in a box. Chhokmah: You can't put it in a box because that would mess with people's brains.

Compromised: You put it in a box. Things went from fine to not fine in a way that means you need to destroy your files on it. Concentra: It creates its own box, then continuously puts more stuff in that box ad infinitum. Conscientia: You can't put it in a box, so you tricked everyone into thinking it's normal.

Contained: You put it in a box. Which is all you'd THINK it would mean, but *nooooo* it's one of THOSE ones-

Containment: You put it in a box, then train it to put stuff in boxes. Then it goes AWOL. Continua: You put it in a box, but part of it's missing, so you're not sure if the box is actually working.

Cor: You put it in a box, then actively do everything in your power to avoid thinking about what it is and does, to the point that you change its Object Class to something meaningless. Da'as Elyon: Identical to Conscientia, except somehow Jewish.

Daath: Instead of putting it in a box you let it wander around parts of your workplace.

Dagdagiel: CHEER UP SLEEEEEEEPY JEEEEEEEEAAAAAAN

Damballah: It's in a box, but you aren't sure how or why.

Dark Keter: You cannot put it in a box or destroy it. The file for this likely came from an untrustworthy source.

[DATA EXPUNGED]: You put it in a box (maybe). The exact details are something you don’t have the clearance for.

Debated: Whether or not it actually needs to go in a box (and how or why) is currently under dispute.

Decidium: You use it to destroy other stuff. Also it might be a god? And you might worship it? But like, also while keeping it in a box?

Dependent: You put it in a box, and everything's fine, but you also have a legal and/or moral obligation to maintain it.

Dishwasher: sighs Let’s put a pin in that for now, please.

Downy: You put it in a box. Duck-related things occur.

Draugr: It itself doesn't need a box (maybe it's destroyed) but weird box-worthy stuff keeps happening and it's responsible somehow.

Drygioni: Your bosses are looking into it.

Echelon: It (and likely the box you have put it in) is currently you and your organization’s highest priority. In theory. This Object Class has never actually been used in practice, if any documents have it you can probably ignore them as being altered by something that should be in a box.

Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy: Ecophagy:… 

Efla: You or one of your coworkers made the dang thing.

Ein Sof: You put it in a box designed to keep it exactly the way it is. And this was intentionally designed, by a god, maybe.

Ellipsis: You have a box. There is nothing in the box worth talking about or otherwise referring to. Trust me, it’s *really* not worth it.

Embla: You put it in a box, then use it to create more stuff that can be put in boxes.

Endeminis: It's technically part of the way your job functions, so instead of putting it in a box you just kind of keep track of it.

Enochian: You can't really put it in a box on account of it being a fundamental part of reality.

Entos: You wrote a file on it. The file is the box.

Eparch: You put it in a box, not because it needs to be in a box, but because it's connected to other stuff that might need to be in a box.

ERROR: Something’s wrong with your file. Check to make sure you entered the URL correctly.

Esoteric: Er, wait, that's what I'm already listing, can't you be more specific? The people who came up with all these other terms certainly didn't seem to have any trouble. Ether: Same meaning as Aether. It's been thousands of years and humans still can't agree how this word is spelled.

Ethical: You put it in a box. Then you let the Ethics Committee handle it. LET THEM HANDLE IT.

Exist: It’s everything, so you can’t put it in a box. Hopefully.

Finis: Nothing will need to be put in boxes anymore, which means you will no longer need boxes. (Well, like, you still need them NOW, we'll get there when we get there)

Flor Galana: It partially puts itself and other stuff in boxes, but you can't completely put it in a box.

Former: Regardless of whether or not you are trying to put it into a box, you and others will be memetically compelled to claim that it was something previously (the claims themselves are what matter here, regardless of whether it was and/or still is what is being claimed).

Foundation: It almost doesn’t need to be put into a box.

F***: Either you or someone else put something in a box (or tried to) and now circumstances have caused you to throw aside decorum and professionalism while filling the report.

Galileo: You can’t put it into a box… but you CAN destroy it!

Gevurah: It hurts the infrastructure of your job, and impedes various stuff your job is trying to do.

GOD: Calm down and check to see if there are any other versions of the file for it.

Gleipnir: You keep needing to put it in different types of boxes.

Glorious: Identical to Beautiful, except instead of putting it in a box you wear it on your head.

Gӧdel: It WOULD be Explained, but you need other things in boxes to explain it.

Hazardous: I thought this applied to all of these? Uh. It hurty, no touchy.

HANDLE_NOT_FOUND: Essentially the same as ERROR. Though you might want to read whatever file comes up VERY carefully.

Hariti: It’s one of your coworkers which means (at least in this instance) that it doesn’t need to go in a box.

Hera: It really doesn’t like you. But if you can, you will put it in a box and use it.

Hiemal: You put it in a box. Then you looked closer and realized it was multiple things keeping each other in boxes.

Hod: Instead of getting a new job, why not get your old one, but different? …Using a process kept in a box.

Ignosi: You cannot put it in a box because you don’t know it exists. In fact, nobody can know it exists. (wait, how does that work, if nobody knows they exist why is there a classification for them? did they like make it under the assumption that SOMETHING fit the criteria? like i know it’s for the readers’ benefit but all of this exists in universe right? or is this another “there is no canon” thing? goshdangit)

In Doubt: You put it in a box, and you would use one of the three main Object Classes (Safe, Euclid, Keter) but you can’t use the letter E for some reason.

Infohazardous Predator: Exactly what it says on the tin. You need to put it in a box.

Inimical: You put it in a box. In doing so you make it worse. Destroy it ASAP.

Instrumentum: You put it in a box, and then you and your organization (which, as you might have gathered, specializes in putting stuff in boxes) put it to use. So basically it’s Prodest but better. We’ll get to Prodest. Oh, we’ll GET to Prodest.

Integrated: You put it in a box. The box is called “being part of the company that puts stuff in boxes”. Also possibly therapy.

Irrelevant: You might be able to put it in a box but trust me when I say you don’t need to worry about it. Probably.

Israfil: You put it in a box. Then- wait, it’s what? Due to what? Okay so the thing it it’s… umm… sigh just look up Action 10-Israfil-A, it’s a result of that.

Interferelessed: In order to keep it in a box, you and everyone else at your job must have access to at least a partial file on it at all times.

Jerusalem: Regardless of if it’s in a box or not, you can go see it at any time. Something about this feels ironic.

Joke: You put it in a box. Exact details beyond that are extremely context-specific, so treat with caution.

Juggernaut: You put it in a box. It can cause the end of the world. Yes I know that applies to like everything, I didn’t make this object class!

Karl June: You put it in a box, because it is under the effects of SCP-6727.

Khonsu: You put it in a box and now you’re studying the heck out of it before it stops being something you can study.

Kronecker: In theory, it means that you don’t need to put it in a box. In practice, however, this only applies to one specific example, every other SCP labeled Kronecker has been altered from its original (more accurate) classification.

Kušum: You’ve given up for now on trying to put it in a box.

Legally Uncontainable: You cannot legally put it in a box, either due to your own governing authority or another. Or a… fast spreading burger company?

Maksur: You’ve separated it into parts, and put those parts into different boxes.

Malchut: Identical to Keter, and used in scenarios when using Keter outright isn’t an option. Not to be confused with Malkuth.

Malkuth: Advanced Non-Humans are putting it in a box. Hopefully. Not to be confused with Malchut (seriously, why do they DO this???)

Megiddo: Basically the same thing as Apollyon except the whole Doom thing has already happened.

Memet: It’s keeping itself in its own box.

Mendax: You put it in a box. Then determining exactly what occurs next is tricky as it alters information about itself. As such, this Classification doesn’t really get used. Not to be confused with Mendax. Mendax: Identical to Enochian, except you have to monitor it carefully because it’s still capable of causing the apocalypse. Not to be confused with Mendax. (If it helps, this one is originally written in the Cyrillic Alphabet as opposed to the Latin one.)

Moiety: You put it in a box. The United Kingdom depends on this.

Multiple: You put it in a box. There are differing reactions from different parts of it at differing times, so you’re gonna need to go into greater detail over which parts qualify as which Object Class.

Multiplex: You put multiple things in multiple boxes, but if you’re gonna go into detail about one of them you have to talk about ALL of them.

Mumar: You put it in a box. You cannot tell your bosses about it.

Mushrik: I’ve read this file like 5 times and I have NO idea what makes this SCP worthy of a unique Object Class, or what this Object Class is even supposed to indicate. I don’t understand.

Mutually Dependent: You put it in a box. It’s actually multiple things that, if separated, would no longer need to be in a box.

N/A: No, I am NOT going to describe even more weird exceptions than I already am! If it doesn’t have an Object Class, it doesn’t have an Object Class. MOVING ON!

Nagi: You put it in a box, but then it stopped needing to be in a box. You’re keeping it in the box anyway, just in case.

Necrospar: There’s no evidence it exists. But if it does, you’ll put it in a box.

Nehemoth: Instead of putting it into a box, you do your best to destroy it due to it being your enemy. …This isn’t one that the Foundation actually uses.

Nepenthe: ‘CAUSE WE COULD BE IMMORTALS, IMMO-ORTALS… 

Netzach: You put it in a box, if necessary. It’s used to ensure the indefinite survival of the human race. Technically it’s more complicated than that and I wish people would stop turning planets into SCPs.

Nightfall_Meteor: No need to put it in a box, just observe. It’s capable of causing an apocalypse, but such an effect won’t last long so just make sure you’re prepared for it.

Non-Anomalous: You don’t need to put it in a box. Well, unless you’re trying to protect it from all the stuff around it that DOES need to put in boxes.

None: Oh for crying out loud what did I just say in the N/A section?

Null: You cannot put it in a box because it cannot exist, so don’t view it as something that exists.

Oblique: You might have put it in a box, it’s hard to tell right now since the general narrative structure that the SCP Foundation usually operates on is being altered.

Ogiel: You currently cannot put it in a box, and no efforts will be made now or in the future to put it in a box. Instead you’re just going to guard it and watch it to ensure nothing changes about it.

Olympus: You aren’t putting it in a box, because only your bosses know it exists. Assuming this Object Class actually exists in this reality.

Omnehet: Identical to Nehemoth, just run through the same infohazard that produced the latter.

Other: You put it in a box, and selected its Object Class from a drop-down menu.

Pagnum: It put itself in its own box. So now you’re watching to make sure that the box is satisfactory.

Pantokratōr: You can’t put it in a box because it’s too big. Guess you’ll have to wait until the next Smash Bros game, sorry.

Pausa: You’re no longer trying to keep it in a box because it doesn’t need to be in one, but it might need to be put in a box again in the future.

Petrus: You can’t prove it needs to be in a box, but you’re putting it in a box anyway because it’s too risky not to.

Principalis: You don’t put it in a box because you don’t know it exists. Your bosses do, though, and it’s their mission statement.

Prodest: You put it in a box. It’s useful. (WHY IS THIS AN OBJECT CLASS? NONE OF THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH CONTAINMENT?? SO WHAT IF IT’S USEFUL, IS THE FOUNDATION EVEN USING IT??? LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE OBJECT CLASS HAS GREATER REASON TO EXIST THAN THIS DOES. SCREW YOU PRODEST, YOU’RE THE WORST.)

Pudicitia: You put it in a box. While doing so you ended up hurting, damaging, or otherwise negatively affecting it. So now you’re helping it get better.

Radix: You put it in a box. Now it’s part of the chain of command.

[REDACTED]: Essentially the same as [DATA EXPUNGED]. Like. Obviously they’re different terms. But effectively they have the same result on what you’re able to do about it.

Rigoletto: It may or may not be difficult for you to put it in a box and keep it there. Depends on how people feel about it.

Robertson-Jackal: You put it in a box, and everything about that box is randomly generated (including the Object Class) to prevent its escape.

Saoshyant: You don’t put it in a box because it acts as your organization’s Patron Deity. Though considering the lore there might be multiple contenders for the title at this point.

Sapientia: Identical to Chhokmah, except not Jewish.

See Below: You attempted to put it in a box and what happened was pretty complicated so you’re just gonna talk about it in the bulk portion of the file for it. Somehow I can’t tell if this is better or worse than a lot of the other ones on this list.

Semel: Technically speaking this one doesn’t actually mean anything.

Sfae: You put it in a box, accompanied by a person or persons (possibly you) that must also stay in the box.

“Shadow’s Crown” Phenomenon: Fancy way of saying Thaumiel while avoiding certain effects.

Shrӧdinger: You put it in a box. In order to keep it in the box, you must record everything about it and connected to it. I can’t tell if this is funny or fitting.

Sistema: You put it in a box, but it’s made of a lot of smaller things, so putting it in a box will only work if all the things are together.

Simpatico: You have NO idea what is up with this thing or how to put it in a box, but it’s probably fine.

Skӧll: You put it in a box. Soon it will no longer need to be in a box. That, or it’s going to cause a lot of stuff (including itself) to escape their boxes with no end in sight. Or both!

Skótos: You put it in a box. You still don’t know a significant amount of things about it and how it works, but hey, at least it’s in a box!

Sofa: Analogous to Keter, approximately.

Spiritual: You can’t put it in a box because it transcends- okay, you know what NO. Stop with the metaphysical bullcrap we already have more specific Object Classes for all of this. And you, 4487, can shut up and die.

Spiteful Motherf*****: You put it in a box. It makes you really, REALLY angry at it.

Standard: The same thing as Safe, except it’s a robot who put it in a box and classified it.

Starveling: The Department of Surrealistics is probably on drugs.

Sunrays, Muted: Despite being sandwiched between Starveling and Super Keter, this one actually kinda makes sense in context.

Super Keter: You put it in a box while at Site-333. It probably still fits the definition of a “regular” Keter. Not that you’ll have any luck telling Site-333 that.

Symbolic: You only figuratively put it in a box. Also sorry did I say the Surrealistics Department was probably on drugs? I meant definitely.

TBD: Identical to Pending or Debated, but apparently used when ALL pertinent info is to be determined at a later time. Or to put it another way, you’re still in the process of putting it in a box, but you won’t be able to make any progress in that until later due to a complete lack of info.

Tempus: You put it in a box, but it messes with time, so you need to ensure that it has ALWAYS been in a box.

Tenebrarius: You cannot put it in a box because you are not allowed to know it exists. The same applies to your coworkers and bosses. Just you guys though, other people can learn about it.

Terminal: You put it in a box. You die. Now you’re in the box too.

Test: Doesn’t need to be put in a box as it doesn’t exist. This Object Class is reserved for dummy files used by bot testers.

the simpsons farting: I hope you guys understand how much making this list has broken me.

Thorleyan: You put two separate-but-identical things in identical boxes and ensure that they both stay identical and that they are aware that they are still identical.

Tiamat: It could become a huge threat to humanity. Buuuuut you can put it in a “box” by telling the world about all the other stuff you’ve put in boxes. No way that would go wrong.

Ticonderoga: You can’t put it in a box, but it doesn’t have to be put in a box.

Tiphereth: You put it in a box with something, and in order to keep it in the box you must routinely swap the other thing for another thing identical to the previous thing without it noticing.

Umbra: You may or may not be able to put it in a box. It has a direct effect on the appearance of other stuff that you’ll want to put in boxes.

Unclassed: You put it in a box (or at least attempt to), then deliberately avoid classifying it by the results.

Unconfirmed: Didn’t we already do this song and dance with Necrospar?

Uncontainable: Surprise surprise, you cannot put it in a box.

Uncontained: It is currently not in a box.

Undefined: You put it in a box, and you know how well that went down. You just can’t actually refer to it in any way for some reason, so you use this placeholder Object Class instead.

Unknown: Neither you or anyone else seems to know what is up with this, or how to put it in a box. But it probably needs one.

Urgent Reclassification Required: Another placeholder. Kind of exactly what it says. Don’t you wish they were ALL clear like this sometimes?

Uya: You can’t put it in a box YET because you haven’t found it, but you’re pretty sure if it doesn’t already exist it will eventually.

Yesod: Identical to Radix, but Jewish. I swear the SCP Foundation doesn’t have some weird antisemitic segregation going on, they just have so many Skips connected to Judaism that they have to clarify sometimes.

Youklid: Identical to Euclid, but you can’t document it properly so you have to verbalize it to a child to fill out the forms. Be very careful about these ones, they don’t usually end well.

World Ending?: You’re preparing to try and put it in a box, and you think it might be capable of, well, ending the world. Kind of a Placeholder Classification, not a real one. Pending before Pending for what might be really bad stuff.

Zeno: It took you a bit of effort to put it in a box, but it was never that much of a threat.

Zenzizenzizenzic: Remember what I said about the Surrealistics Department? If you see this Object Class, you are probably currently on their drugs. This applies to the Dishwasher Class too.

Zurvan: Similar to Enochian, except that it’s less that you *can’t* put it in a box because it’s a fundamental part of reality, and more that you shouldn’t.

53: You attempt to put it in a box, but this is difficult due to being unable to to gain much information about it, as well as the fact that it is actively trying to have an effect on you and your organization, among others. This may include trying to put you in a box.

Ѻмѐга-Титло: You put it in a box. You know it will inevitably escape the box, so you’ve constructed a convoluted pseudo-religion to manipulate the probability of its escape at any given moment to be later rather than sooner, in the hopes that you will be able to procrastinate said escape into never happening.

SubclassesNO I am NOT doing all the subclasses right now. I might do them if this is well received after I publish this online, but only after doing the Risk Classes and Disruption Classes first. Those seem more relevant as of late.

Now, the Fun Part:

WHICH ONE DID I MAKE UP?

[flannelfloofs]

Heyyyyyy bestieeeeeeeeee you've caught my interest :] If I may ask, who's ur oc Fate?/genq

ok! so

Fate was the first ever deity to come into existence in both reality and The Draw, responsible for the current creation of other deities (special "second chances" to mortals who had unfortunate ends) and everything before and beyond it!

That being said, out of all the deities, Fate is the only character in The Metamorphic Moral that is the most realistic; imagine them rotoscoped? Like the Faith games! And unlike all deities, they can express their eyes, whereas other deities can only move their irises (with exception from Wish teehee)

Despite being the reason things occur, Fate is rather hidden from The Draw, preferring to watch from the sidelines...so if you ever catch a glimpse of them, you are deemed worthy of something more in life.

In addition, Fate is a immaculate and intimidating figure to come across, even to such powerful deities and entities...

Also! Their voice is every voice of The Metamorphic Moral's cast speaking all at once, they don't have a confirmed VA; I think it's more interesting to hear voices you already know in a being rather than someone new.

I will keep hush hush about them for now but ty for the ask ^^

[skitskatdacat63]

Okay so I'm watching the Monaco 2009 pre-race coverage and I'm only like 10 mins in but I have several things I need to say so I don't forget:

First of all OH MY GODDDDDD:

THIS INTRO IS SO COOL??????? LIKE OH MY GOD????? Sorry I'm just !!!!!!!!! about it!!! Like is this not the coolest thing?? The way Jake Humphrey is edited in is really smooth and realistic looking, I'm not completely familar with all the commentators, so I was staring at it like "wait....this is Jake, right? Or? It is, right??" If it tricked my 2023 brain, I can't imagine watching this 14 years ago lmao

Anyways I really really love BBC's coverage, I think it's soooo superior to modern broadcasting ngl. Like just the whole vibe of it, idk I really love it all, it's a shame not all of it is avalible to watch, bcs man, I would totally be up for watching every single thing as if it was the current season. You guys will have to inform me, since I only have access to F1TV, which is pretty good but mundane compared to this imo, but those of you with actual like cable broadcasters(like Sky and C4), would you agree that BBC's vibe is better?

Okay anyways, I have other things to say other than ranting about how much I love BBC's broadcasting lmao. Seeing the current(so like as of Monaco) leaderboard of the WCC is crazy. It is currently 1. Brawn 2. Red Bull 3. Toyota. I know obviously a lot changes from season to season, not to mention a literal decade, but the fact that two of those teams don't even exist anymore is so wild from the modern perspective. And heyyyyyy the team in 2nd is now on top baby!

Last point: Wow! I had no idea they were considering a budget cap for the 2010 season! Also just the comparison btwn the budget they were considering vs. the current one($45 million vs $135 million) is insane to me!! Even with accounting for inflation, the old budget cap is literally half of the current one.

*edit okay sorry, I just need to say this. WHY DOES MAX MOSLEY'S TIE LOOK LIKE THE OLD LESBIAN FLAG LMAOOOOOOO, like seriously if you wore that today, I would think you're repping me hahaha

[threadboundgold]

"How many vod’e" Heyyy. ~ Mereel Skirata the one and only. I don't socialize much though, you got me there. (We exist but we're a rare, rare breed. I can't send you to any servers because last time I tried those the guys in it made me see red)

[fingerguns] now this is what I was talkin about! Heyyyyyy vod!!!

(👀real shit? hit me in DMs I want to know what’s gone on if you’re willing to share- Tens)

[time-shardz]

Ennead x AMAB GN Reader

The Servant of the start

PT:1

Ok I know I wrote GN reader but I don't see enough male reader shit in the community so yeah.

I don't see enough Ennead(Manhwa) x reader stuff I mean it basically doesn't exist so I decided to take the liberty to write something for it this is part one

I would put this on any other fanfiction website/app if it wasn't the fact I wanted to get a few chapters out before I wrote a entire fic for this

So enjoy

This idea isn't mine and is completely inspired by a Quotev fic I started to read so here's the link

Book Of Promos

Why did the world pick me to do this?

Why am I even here?

“I am Ra the God of The Sun

And who are you~?”

I didn’t ask for this…….

Ok that’s a lie I did say I wanted to change the plot of Ennead.

But this isn’t what I had in mind

“You who stood on this very hill on the power of chaos with me who are you?”

“Almighty Ra God of the Sun,I am but simply a lowly being with the honor of being in thy presence”

I bow down lowly to pay my respects as even though this wasn’t my home dimension I knew it would be a bad idea to anger a god.

Ra seemed amuse as I tried very hard to not make eye contact with her bright eyes.

Why must I be the one chosen to be sent to another world?

“How about I give you a purpose and a name?”

What?

“Rule beside me and you and I will make the start the creation of this world~”

Oh no oh nonononono

And get more involved with the plot?

That in itself is a death sentence and I will end up with just as high of a chance to get raped by God.

I simply wish to be a quiet NPC and watch from the sidelines

“Ra God Of The Sun it would be a honor to rule beside a great God as yourself,But I must decline as I am not equipped for such an important task to assist the creation of this world”

Ra’s eyes widen and she walks down closer to me her fingers clasp my chin and force me to look up at her

…..

Wtf is this so hot!?-

“Are you sure~?”

“Yes thine is sure Almighty Ra”

Ra smiles

Why is she smiling

What is she gonna do to me!?

Ra pat’s my head

“Very well From this day on thy name shall be (Y/N) thee shall be the first and forever loyal servant and will serve me and my future children”

.

.

.

.

How did this happen?

“Kekeke”

I look at the white haired individual in front of me in shock.

Where was I?

I was just returning home from the manga shop after I finally got the entire physical collection of the Ennead Manhwa.

Despite the fact I had long finished reading Ennead having the physical copies definitely felt different to only reading it online.

And now I was in this vast empty space

“Hey hey heyyyyyy~ are you even listening to us?”

I snapped out of my thoughts

I flinched as I saw the black mask with one eye stare into me

I gulped

“W-Who are you?”

The entity seemed surprised to hear me speak

“Finally your listening to us again”

Us?

“Thine name does not matter but what matters is thy is dead”

I’m dead?

.

.

Well finally,I actually made it further in life then I believed I would

“You don’t seemed worried”

I stare the being dead in the eyes….eye?

“Man have you seen Gen Z? Like at this point we could go through WW3 and not give a flying fuck”

The being stops for a second and seems to be thinking until it floats back a bit further from me

“Kekeke oh humans are still so amusing after so long,though aren’t you curious on how you died”

…..I didn’t think about that

“How did I die?”

The smile on the entity’s mask seems to grow wider showing some sharp canines

Are those real?

“I believe you humans call this trope truck-kun”

….

I really died to a fucking truck

Am I about to be isekaied rn

“Yes”

I was startled back

“I how- when?”

The entity smiles in amusement

“Of course I’m capable of reading minds I just decided if I want to or not”

Ok that is so embarrassing if he heard what I said earlier

“But yes thee shall be quote on quote isekaied”

“Where am I going?”

Suddenly the mask’s eye closes and it’s grin seems to sharpen.

I nervously redirect my attention to the entity’s tail which swishes around in a strange way.

It looked like how a cat’s tail would swish when it decide to play with its prey

I felt a cold shiver go up my spine

“That is for you to find out darling~”

Suddenly the entity seems to groan in pain and sigh

“Looks like our time is over dear,but I will try talk to you more along your journey,good luck”

Secrets of the Archive

•Originally these were gonna be called secrets under the Sun and secrets under the Moon for some of them

•Y/N wished to be a NPC but already knows their chances of being one is the same chances of Cale getting his slacker life

•Y/N will have some hidden powers cause I mean of course the unknown Entity doesn’t want their play thing to be destroyed so fast

•The unknown Entity says us for a reason

•Thine means I,Thy means your and Thee means you in ancient times

[dogydayz]

MILDLY EMBARRASSED TO POST THIS HERE BCUS AM SELF CONSIOUS however I would love for people to see because I need to know if I'm on the right track with writing characters and shit like that. Small take on an interaction between Shadow and Sonic (the assumption here is that they're from a world where Sonic has been combating Eggman for absolute years now, and Shadow has just been watching this happen all the time, totally confused by Sonic's absolute refusal to ever actually, yknow. Kill Eggman. Because that would seemingly end all the "struggles" he has and "fulfill his 'purpose'", at least that's how Shadow views it from his own heavily damaged perspective.)

. . . . . . "A constant struggle. A never-ending spiral. Day in, day out, you never change it. All the power in the world, yet you simply let things continue as they are… Why? And how?"

"Geez, I know it seems pretty violent at times but it's a lot less of a struggle than you seem to think it is! Hell, you're one of the ones who's kept the whole 'constant battling' thing going! Half the time I'm in the middle of stuff and you butt right in!"

"You say that like it annoys you, yet you laugh as the words leave you. Perhaps I simply fail to understand your motives…"

"My motives? My motives are to protect my friends, and those who share a world with us."

"Then why not eliminate the threats? Why not end the constant strain for good?"

"It's…. Not nearly as much of a strain as you seem to think. I enjoy the adventures, the battles, how dynamic everything always is! You know I can't just 'sit back' or 'relax', and neither can you."

"My reasoning is entirely different."

"Oh? Then what is your reasoning?"

"I was designed this way."

"Is that really so different from just… ending up that way? You do know I don't really have control over it yeah?"

"…"

"See, I told you we aren't so different!"

"… You… Enjoy this struggle?…"

"Huh?- Oh.. I mean, I guess? I enjoy doing things, I like to explore, I like to battle, you know how I am!"

"…You never… Feel pressured to finish things? To… 'complete' your task?"

"The only pressure I feel is the pressure of knowing if fail then, well… Things wouldn't be too good!"

"…. That's the difference between us, then."

"Huh?"

"…. You exist for yourself, you work for yourself, you fight for yourself. Life isn't a series of tasks to you, and you never failed every one of them. You don't look at the past and contemplate all you've done wrong, you simply continue ahead… Even if that often puts you into harm's way." "…You know I'd try to say something comforting but I'm pretty sure anything I'd say would just make it worse so-"

"I don't need… comfort. I just… want a break. From feeling the constant mental tug, the need to do SOMETHING… I failed, yet I can't even live that down, I feel like I need to fix it when I CAN'T… There's no use even trying yet… I have to…"

"…You know, I'm starting to think that that whole 'constant spiral' you were referring to was more of a personal thing than something I was doing."

"… You…. Really are so fucking dense, blue hedgehog…"

"What?! Was I supposed to realize you were projecting or something??? Come on man!"

"… Heyyyyyy! Was that a smile just now?"

"What?- No!-"

"Aww come oooon buddy!"

"Do Not call me that.."

"Aaaaalllright, bud!"

"OR THAT!!!-"

Thank you for reading whoever ends up reading this, would like to know if it's a good start or not aaaa!! I love their personalities but I worry a lot about portraying them accurately (continuity be damned too, all i have to go off of are pieces of media where theyre all vastly different from one another). Primarily based around the Prime versions with the added existing angst. If it's received well then I may attempt to make a mini sketch comic from this interaction

[electrasev5nwrites]

Ninja Daily: Vapors 2

Aiko didn't like to think about those early days of blearily drifting in and out of consciousness, realizing that the world was a blur of strange colors and smells and feelings that she couldn't properly interpret.

First of all, it was strange and frightening that she could remember it at all. She certainly shouldn't. At three years old, she was discerning enough to know that she was a complete freak and just savvy enough to keep her lips sealed shut instead of babbling even though some part of her realllly wanted to impress the grownups she knew. It would be satisfying to impress her caretakers and the other adults she saw, and maybe get special treatment. But in the long run? It felt like a terrible idea.

'For me and for Naruto. What would happen if I got taken away? No one cares about him.'

"Hey! Heyyyyyy," Naruto whined, tugging on her foot. He was sitting with his legs spread wide on the floor and staring beseechingly up at where she was perched on the bed. "What doing?"

She did her best not to grimace, both at the grammar and at the way that the toddler guilelessly rubbed his fist against his runny nose and then onto his shirt.

It wasn't his fault, really, that he was a comparatively normal child. When the fact that he was a jinchuuriki was taken into question, that fact took on an alarming pallor.

'I don't even like kids,' she thought resentfully, for the nth time. 'It's not fair.'

"I'm looking at pic-tures," Aiko said carefully to minimize the way her clumsy tongue stumbled over harder syllables. She turned the glossy children's book –an encyclopedia of sea creatures thinly guised as a story—in her hands to show her otouto. "Would you like to see?" She clumsily patted the cushion next to her, carefully avoiding looking at her stubby fingers. She already knew they looked like fat sausages without watching. Naruto made a face, but climbed up beside her, using another pillow as a step-stool and nearly slipping.

'I hate this pathetic body,' Aiko thought dully, turning the book back to the first page. 'It can't do anything right.'

Granted, she suspected that the flesh bag she was currently interred in was of vastly superior quality to her old one. The comparison was probably like a new Camaro and a fifteen year old Grand Am. They were both technically cars, and they looked fine at first scrutiny. But no matter how great her three-year-old flesh bag was for such a small sack of meat, it was still the body of a young child. It tired easily and needed rest often. Her fingers were fat and clumsy, and she had a hard time utilizing fine motor skills for things like coloring.

Her otouto wiggled beside her, making a strange high-pitched 'eeeeee' sound for no apparent reason. When that garnered no reaction but a tilted head, he huffed loudly and bounced, shaking the bed. "What's the story?" Naruto demanded bossily, prodding the book with an outstretched finger. When he grabbed for the pages, she pulled it away.

"There's not really a story," Aiko demurred, trying to keep the sigh out of her voice. There were picture books with words she could guess at, yes, but she wasn't going to touch those until it was well and age-appropriate for her to do so. She was bored out of her gourd, but it wasn't worth the risk.

At least not until she knew what was going on well enough to gauge the risks of gaining adult attention, anyway. She didn't know much about how ninjas trained or dealt with prodigy children, but she didn't think it was anything she would like to experience.

For the first few weeks or months, she'd thought that she was completely insane. To be fair, an infant had a horrendously poor grip on reality. She hadn't been able to see well, struggled to stay awake for very long, and she certainly hadn't understood anything that was being said. It had seemed like a waking dream when she had first made the connection between her current existence and a half-remembered television show that she had apparently never finished watching. Pity. She really couldn't have predicted that would become relevant to her survival and lifestyle.

Naruto was simultaneously the reason she questioned her sanity and the one consistent source of human interaction that was keeping her from going absolutely insane. She needed him.

Naruto made a rude sound that implied he wasn't going to accept the answer that there was no story. Fair enough.

She glanced around futilely, as if to be sure she was alone. The beautiful dark-eyed lady who volunteered at the orphanage and had them call her 'aunt' was nowhere to be seen. She had probably left for the day—Aiko was relatively sure that the woman had children of her own to tend to.

That didn't mean the twins were alone. She didn't see one often, but there was at least one ANBU who followed them around.

Well. She'd just have to speak slowly and try to keep her diction to something believable.

"This fish is named Marlin," Aiko said quietly, pointing out an illustrated koi. That wasn't the right type of fish at all, but it wasn't as if Naruto would know the difference. "He's scared of everything. Like this shark," Aiko pointed as she turned the next page. The blue-green color of the water in the books was like her eyes. The sky was like Naruto's. They looked nice together. "And he's scared of this walrus, too," she improvised. That wasn't in the right story, but there weren't any sea turtles in this book. She'd have to make do. There was in fact a barracuda, but she wasn't going to tell her little brother a grim story about a mother being murdered.

"Why?" Naruto breathed, staring, transfixed at the glossy images.

"Well, bigger fish are dangerous," she said practically. "And sharks eat fish." She couldn't hold back the grin at the disgusted face Naruto made and the way he buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

"Nuh-uh," he rejected. The words were a direct contrast to the fascinated glee on his face. His big blue eyes practically glittered.

She knew what was coming, but Aiko still waited to hear it with amused fondness.

"Tell me more."

"Our great village was founded…"

Her civilian teacher's voice was a comforting drone seeping in one ear and out the other. Aiko wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to a thing that the man said.

There was no need to, really. History wasn't going to help her much. Besides, the propaganda lightly dashed with facts that he was sharing would be repeated in other classes, she was sure. As they grew older they would probably get the party line reinforced, peppered with darker inclusions as they became age appropriate.

Or what counted for age appropriate in a shinobi village, in any case. Half of the picture books back at the orphanage included references to violence, indexes and identification games of weapons, and casual mention of death that was doubtless meant to serve as a reference for appropriate grieving behaviors. The other half were perfectly standard, trite works with cute animals and pretty children with two loving parents and an extended family who taught them various lessons.

(Aiko had no idea which sort was more harmful to Naruto. The sweet banal picture books of happy families filled him with a wistfulness that was painful to see, but watching as the darker texts normalized the shinobi lifestyle made her want to tear them all up).

"In the fiftieth year of the ninja, the great clans…"

Dull as dirt. No wonder that Naruto was nearly nodding off on his desk. That was probably a better use of time than listening, Aiko thought. It wasn't her plan for the day, however.

She was instead preoccupied with practicing her hiragana. Painstakingly, Aiko bit the tip of her tongue in concentration and tried not to let her hand wobble as she copied stilted and blotchy figures next to the perfect printed versions.

"Pay attention, class," came the light scolding from the head of the classroom. The boy beside Aiko jerked guiltily, but she didn't react.

The teacher didn't frighten her. What was he going to do? Really, the power that he used to maintain classroom control was all dependent on the fact that children hadn't yet realized just how little he could do to keep them in line. The psychological intimidation wasn't going to work on a girl who was 21-going-on-4, and the elderly civilian man who taught her homeroom class at school wasn't about to resort to physical intimidation.

The twins had only been attending civilian school for a few short months, but the routine was solid enough that Aiko was taken aback when a pretty Chuunin with a wide smile and a red bow in her hair came to pick them up and took them to Hokage tower.

Aiko pressed her lips together in a stern expression that she knew was uselessly cute on her pudgy, pink-cheeked face and strained her toes toward the floor. Her feet were dangling over the edge of the plastic waiting room chair that she was seated quietly on. By contrast, Naruto had climbed up on top of his and was talking at a mile a minute to an obviously disinterested secretary and a now overwhelmed Chuunin.

' I know that Naruto is supposed to be close to the Sandaime. I should have suspected that they would meet soon.'

She watched silently, remaining aloof from the conversation that followed when they were escorted into the Hokage's office. Naruto was outright thrilled, bouncing around with all the energy that a four-year old jinchuuriki could muster (and that was an impressive amount of energy, to be frank).

"And what do you think, Aiko-chan?" the old man attempted to bring her into the conversation.

Aiko blinked, taking a moment to steady herself. What did she think?

' I think that you're pathetic for taking advantage of a little boy's loneliness and culturally homogenous hero worship of you in order to coerce him into agreeing to a military career years before he's mentally and emotionally capable of making that decision.'

Nope, that probably wasn't the best idea.

' No, don't sign me up for shinobi training. I don't want to be a ninja. It seems scary. I'm not scared of dying at all because everyone does, but I don't see any reason to get involved in a violent caste system and kill people for a living.'

She was going to be a ninja whether she wanted to be or not. She was four years old; no one was going to let her make her own decisions, and it would be a waste not to at least attempt to put the fourth Hokage's kids through the shinobi Academy.

In the end, she just shrugged and regarded the old man with cool turquoise eyes.

He seemed fairly off-put by her lackluster reaction, but gracefully enough turned back to Naruto. The blonde was an eager conversationalist, if not a particularly creative or clever one.

Aiko wasn't surprised to find herself bundled off to the shinobi academy when a new term started a month later. She was a bit surprised to find out that the other first year students were six years old, but a moment's thought wrapped up that mystery. The term lengths meant that their classmates would graduate at the age of twelve, which fit with what she remembered. Theoretically she and Naruto should probably graduate at ten, then, except that it seemed likely that the Academy was actually being used as a babysitter in their case and not a device to crank out soldiers even earlier than usual.

Putting the twins in the Academy meant that she and Naruto were under a trained and trusted shinobi's attention for the bulk of the day. It probably freed up their ANBU stalker for more important work. Like shaving cats, or going home and licking their mirrors. Whatever. The point was that it had to be mind-numbingly dull to stare at toddlers all day.

Accordingly, Aiko didn't trust the kind-faced woman who was their first teacher at the Academy. She didn't understand the type of person who would agree to spend so much time around so many children that weren't hers: or at least, do so in order to teach them to kill. It was hard for Aiko to dismiss that as a strongly developed maternal instinct, assuming as she did that it would be damn hard to teach class after class of cannon fodder when the majority of them died a year after graduation. But Katade-sensei didn't seem to be the ice-old that Aiko thought was necessary to survive that type of heartbreak.

'There's something wrong with her. She would be doing field work if there wasn't.'

Even if Katade-sensei hadn't kept a wide berth from the twins, Aikowouldn't have had a thing to do with her.

At least Naruto was easy to figure out, although she admittedly had an advantage. He had simple desires, as did the other carpet sharks in the Academy class. He wanted to play (and couldn't understand why no one played with him after they had talked with their parents) and he wanted to eat too much sugar (until he threw up, at which point he would try again) and he most certainly did not want to do his homework because it was legitimately too hard for him and he cried when he failed all his assignments.

Aiko spent two years with the smiling woman who taught very small children, and didn't understand her any more at the end than she had when she was four. Katade-sensei was a blank wall, even if her voice was kind.

Maybe it was a shinobi thing? Or maybe… Aiko frowned, rubbing her fingers against her copper-toned hair, ignoring the fact that it was slightly grubby from the outdoor part of class where they had practiced falls and done agility work. Maybe it was just something that some people could turn on and off. A figurative mask that kept the outside world from peeking underneath to what really mattered.

Funny that it took her so long to figure out that she had anything in common with sensei. Aiko's secrets were probably much bigger. She stuck by that opinion, even when Katade-sensei became increasingly thin, grey, and harried. One day she simply never returned to class.

She eyed the nervous young man who had replaced Katade-sensei with tired resignation.

"Ohayo, class," he forced out with a pathetic imitation of confidence. The following smile looked more than a bit queasy. "I'll be your teacher from now on. My name is Umino Iruka. Any questions?"

He fielded several queries about his hair, where sensei was, and if he had a girlfriend, before Iruka-sensei called on Aiko. His expression was guarded and a bit uncomfortable. She thought she knew why—she was sitting right next to Naruto. Iruka-sensei probably didn't know what to think.

"Is Katade-sensei dead?"

Aiko knew her blunt guess was true by the way that Iruka gaped at her. She settled back in her chair and shook her head. "Never mind," she said mildly, without care for the way that Hyuuga Neji's eyes narrowed at her or that an Akimichi girl with rosy cheeks looked about to burst into tears.

She didn't pay much attention to the rest of proceedings—roll call, syllabus, and other dull minutia. Her curiosity was satisfied.

'She's not really real anyways.'

"Hey," Naruto hissed, leaning over the space between them. The girl in front swiveled to give them both a dirty look, obviously confused by her inability to understand what the boy was saying.

Aiko gave the girl a dry, steady look until she turned around. Then she blinked at her otouto and replied likewise, in English. "What's up?"

"Why did you ask that?" Naruto's brow furrowed. "and do you think Iruka-sensei will be nicer than the last lady?"

"De- You there!" Iruka-sensei barked, sounding firm and scary for the first time. It only took him a moment to stride on long legs to the back of the classroom where the Uzumaki twins were sitting. He had eyes only for Naruto—angry brown eyes, specifically, and tense hands that clapped down on Naruto's desk as the teenager loomed. "Why would you think it was acceptable to talk in my classroom?"

Naruto's big blue eyes wavered in shock and hurt as he sank back into his chair, fighting off tears. Aiko inhaled steadily through her nose, gritted her jaw together painfully, and stared at Iruka-sensei with feelings that were less than pleasant. If he'd been asked to describe her eyes at the moment, he might have said that she looked like she thought he was trash on her shoe. It didn't matter. He wasn't looking at her.

"I would say not," Aiko said steadily into the sudden hush as Iruka glowered, waiting for an answer from a small child. She hadn't pegged him for a bully. It was a shame.

She ignored the bout of confused expressions at the use of a foreign language and carefully got out her favorite pencil, turning to the middle of her notebook and going back to practicing kanji. She didn't feel any need to clarify or explain herself. English was her first language, after all, and she had made it Naruto's as well. It wasn't as if anyone else had been lining up to teach him language skills and she had needed someone to talk to.

A strange person was vying for that, actually. When the new term had rolled around with a new class of six-year-olds, a great deal of them had been very familiar. Chibi Sasuke was the oddest of all, because he was such a friendly little thing.

If she didn't know better, she would say that he'd been pressured by his parents to befriend them. Unfortunately for the possibility of Uchiha-Uzumaki friendship, the brunet had shown Naruto up in aerial weaponry skills and classroom knowledge from the first week. Naruto was too embarrassed, jealous and resentful to accept Sasuke's clumsy overtures, and Sasuke was too guileless to understand that he would have better results if he made sure not to make Naruto feel inadequate.

It took him a while to attempt approaching her. Perhaps it was some little-boy instinct to try other boys before girls. It could just as easily have been that Aiko wasn't particularly approachable.

"Uzumaki-san?"

Itty bitty Sasuke had a bit of a lisp, she noted. That was unfairly cute.

"Would you like to share my bento?" He held the box out awkwardly, over-large baby eyes fixed studiously on the point between her eyes, as if he'd been taught to make eye contact was wasn't comfortable with it yet. "My mom makes a lot, and I just…" Sasuke trailed off, and dug at the floor with a sandal despite his attempts to look grownup.

"Thank you for the offer. I have my own lunch, though."

She left him standing there mildly flustered and pink, as if he didn't have a set response for someone being that rude. Yeah, he was an adorable kid, but he was just that: a kid. Naruto was all the kid she needed in her life, thank you very much. She wasn't a babysitter and it sounded absolutely exhausting to dumb herself down to a child's level in personal interactions as well as those she already had to perform for adults.

Despite her resolution to stay away, her eyes drifted over to Sasuke while Naruto was still scrambling to find his left shoe so they could leave for the day. The brunet all but ran to a woman in a gorgeous kimono with long dark hair whipping gently in the wind. Aiko watched for longer than was probably polite, but she never saw the woman who was probably Sasuke's mother turn around enough to get a clear look at her face.

Pity. She seemed oddly familiar. Maybe it was her hair—it was unfairly beautiful.