#i don’t want to buy anything new
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this suuuucks i need to get my over ear headphones repaired :( i miss enjoying music the way i want
#*fizzyspeaks#it’s just the cushion that’s been completely torn off with no way of putting it back on#i don’t want to buy anything new#they were my favorites :(#i could probably get a replacement cushion but they’re a specific color way idk if i can find
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no matter how much my life is improving, i still feel empty and alone
#i got a new job#i like it so far but i thought it would make me happier#it has a little bit i still just feel.. strange#like it isn’t enough#i’m lonely#it’s hard to make friends and i don’t know what to do anymore#i want a boyfriend#i just want someone who cares about me and accepts me#i miss freddy but he hasn’t talked to me in years#i miss the way he made me feel#i worry i’ll never have that again#its still hard to move on because i haven’t experienced anything since#i miss having friends#doing things#life is so lonely#i want to have fun#i want to go out a d have dinner or a picnic avd play in the grass and swing on swing sets#but my life is passing by and i’m still alone#and i’m sad#no matter how much money i make or clothes i buy make me feel better#i just feel worse#because it’s not meaningful#i just want to find something that gives my life meaning#i want love#i want to be in love#but i am starting to wonder if im just unlovable#anyways i’m just yapping cause i have no one to talk to
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ‘home�� for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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i didn’t want to be annoying in op’s notes but jesus christ. yeah. unfortunately i’ll never forget my mom making me sob uncontrollably in front of everyone in the short hills mall on my 14th birthday because i was “being ungrateful”
#talking to myself#i still don’t enjoy telling ppl about my birthday or celebrating it bc of this#a little bit of context: around that time my mom stopped celebrating our birthdays and would instead just ask what we wanted -#- and she would buy it for us. that year she picked me up from school that day and asked me what i wanted and i said a saddle. in hindsight-#- i fully understand why she did not want to buy me one then. but at the time she just snapped ‘absolutely not’ and said ‘how about a new -#- pair of boots’ and bc i was 14 and didn’t really want them i said ok whatever#we get to the mall and i’m not having fun but i’m not being ‘bad’ or ‘rude’ at all i’m just being quiet. and i’m trying on shoes and not -#- liking anything and she loses her fucking mind. she starts screaming at me for being ungrateful in a fucking nordstrom’s and she grabbed -#- the shirt she bought be earlier out of my hands and threw it in the trash and stormed out the door. i fished it out and walked out SOBBING#when we got home i immediately went to my room and tried to kill myself. clearly it didn’t work but yeah.#i came downstairs later that night to no dinner or anything just a check with my name on it for $100#i haven’t really celebrated my birthday since. my 21st my college friends took me out and my 22nd i met up w some high school friends#and that’s it.#damn i haven’t thought this hard about that incident in years. weird how that post triggered all that
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thinking about how immigrants have to find families. there’s no alternative when your relatives are in another country. aunties that cook delicious meals and treat you as their own. uncles who acknowledge your presence in their house as if you’ve always lived there. friends that feel like siblings and dogs that recognize your scent. holding hands in an uncaring land, building hearth from strangers’ warmth. by extension, the faces of family at home (what is home?) grow blurrier each day, and you can barely speak their language.
#but idk it also sucks sometimes#my mom doesn’t have any taiwanese friends so when lunar new year or moon festival or tomb sweeping day comes around#there’s no one to celebrate with. and we just don’t do anything#it’s not like we don’t want to we just. can’t#but it’s also so good. my friend’s mom drove me home from a camp site at three am because i threw up#my friend’s dad wrote me a letter for my thirteenth birthday#my friend’s grandparents hug me and tell me stories and buy me lunch and were all celebrating thanksgiving#and my friend’s little sister said i was her favorite sister#and my friend and i have been mistaken as sisters multiple times#AND WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER#feeling feelings. as always#bea rambles
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Being able to sew your own clothes may not be the most accessible things (especially sustainably) but I will forever be an advocate for being able to MEND your own clothes
Even if it’s a kinda ugly whip stitch on the inside of your shirt or a ladder stitch to adjust the size of some jeans or a mismatching patch on the sole of your socks— literally anything that’ll make your clothes last longer, even if it just means they’ll last long enough for you to give it away to someone else
And then when it can no longer be mended, use it to mend other clothes
#rambles in tags#you don’t even have to know how to do fancy shit like darning even though it might be useful#anything to delay those clothes from hitting the landfill#also give clothes you don’t want to people you know or charity shops (or I guess thrift shops lol)#also preferably get them from there too but also buying new from small businesses too is good#this is my occasional ‘LEARN HOW TO FIX SHIT AND MAKE YOUR SHIT LAST LONGER’ rant#there is a learning curve and it’s still not the most accessible thing- especially for other physically disabled people#(especially if you don’t have the money for a sewing machine or any rental or free to use machines in your area)#and you’re definitely not a bad person if you can’t do this shit#but if you are able! do it! learn the basics!#tbh even if it just means using some heat and bond or fabric glue!#slow fashion#🪲
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ok thank you @marnz and @rexbasileus I think for now I’m going to just go with the floor futon I already have (which I think is a similar thickness to the trifold mattress but is a nice queen size) and then maybe try adding a mattress topper to it for a layer of extra comfort? I can test run it when my parents are in town next weekend and then decide if I want to invest in something else
#the futons we slept on in Japan were very comfy#and this way I don’t have to buy anything new yet#my siblings also offered to go in on an expensive baby present and I don’t really have anything expensive left on the list so#if I want to do the cot or something like that maybe I can ask them to help with that
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won’t lie, experiencing some horrors
#just cried uncontrollably for like 20 mins#cried like 3 times yesterday too#i have no energy for like anything rn.. went to buy new glasses today tried on 15 pairs hated them all and then went back to my car#and cried because i really need new glasses since i fucked up my current pair and they don’t sit right now and dig into my face#tw death . my grandma passed away while i was flying home from canada#and it sucks because everyone got to be with her and say goodbye but i didn’t#and there’s a viewing tomorrow and my dad thinks i should go since it will be my last chance to see her but i don’t want to#i get that it’s a healing way to say goodbye for some people but i don’t want to see my oma lifeless#i know i’ll never get to see her again and that fucking sucks but she’s gone and i don’t want to see her like that#plus i have work and i already called in sick 2 days i don’t want to leave them short again even if it’s understandable#anyway the funeral is on tuesday at least i have the day off already and don’t have to worry about work#everything sucks soooooo fucking bad rn i won’t lie i’m not doing too great#and i miss el so much like i would kill to be able to hug my gf right now#their mom sent me a video today of them laying on the couch with their parents cat cuz they visited for father’s day#and i’ve cried twice while watching it…#argh. anyway. going to go watch a silly little video of some sort and maybe sleep early cause i haven’t been sleeping well#it’ll be ok 🧡#p
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thoughts on TWS, the new pledis boy group that's debuting in january?
i mean. the only thing i know about them is their name, so i was probably the worst person to ask this to im sorry 😭
#💌 - mailbox.#💝 - nonnie.#svt seem hyped for them and very brotherly already which is very cute#im still very new here in the grand scheme of things so like. I don’t know how this works#but I haven’t seen really anything about them at all so it’s difficult to have an opinion at this stage. ygm?#like. I hope they’re not all still actual children? or at minimum i hope if they are a young young group that they are looked after well#and if their music is good I’m sure I’ll give em a listen! I wish good things for them for sure#it’s just. and this has been the case with me personally for years. I struggle when artists are very very young because all I can ever think#about is like. this young person is surely very talented but they could not buy a glue stick or a pair of scissors#and then I get the yikes thinking about how much pressure they’re facing meanwhile when I was 15/16 I cried if I ripped my tights. yk#and the industry seems very competitive and people online can be brutal over the tiniest little things#I went on a tangent. anyway#sorry this is probably miles away from the answer you wanted nonnie😭 i just don’t know anything 😭🩵
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ok so. my mom is super nice and lovely, but recently she’s been sending me clothes that she’s bought me online. some of it is nice, and it’s ostensibly so i have new nice clothes for when we go on our fancy family trip in december. but 1) most of the clothes don’t work (i hate buying clothes online for this reason) and it’s a hassle to return them 2) they’re mostly dresses and i’m not really a dress person these days. i tried hinting at these things subtly the last few times i’ve seen her, but this week i just witnessed a double event. a new package arriving the exact day i finally managed to return the last one. i’m not sure what to say to her about it.
#i feel like shopping for me online is a casual low stress way for her to think about me when i’m not there#but the last couple of times i’ve seen her in person we would be sitting in companionable silence#and she would break it by showing me some new dress she picked out for me#and i didn’t really say anything at the beginning bc i figured it was not going to be a long term thing#and i mentioned that i don’t really wear dresses anymore and that i prefer to shop in person bc i don’t really know my size reliably#but she just keeps sending me things#and if it’s not boxes in the mail; it’s texts with links to things she wants to buy me#it’s not like her; she doesn’t normally do this kind of stuff and it’s really throwing me off
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i just went to get fabric to make a half circle skirt and when i told my mum it was £17 she was surprised like that was a lot?? it’s exactly what i expected??? she was like ‘you could buy a skirt for cheaper than that’ yes and i would be wary of the ethics that went into making it😭
#i just got a sewing machine for christmas so i think i’m finally gonna learn how to make clothes properly#don’t have to use my mum’s 50 year old one anymore#it works fine considering its age but it’s kind of clunky#i’m so excited about this new one#i’m aiming to make a skirt similar to one i have#which i probably got for a bit less than this fabric#because it’s from primark😐#i do not want to make my own clothes to save money#that would not make sense and i already crochet (a lot) and knit (a bit) so i know that#i want to make my own clothes for two main reasons#1. it’s cool and fun and i can make anything i want#2. i can stop buying fast fashion so much#cos like when i got a skirt from a more quality more ethical place#i can’t remember how much it was but#it was a lot more than £17#well i’ve also got a zip which was like another £1 or £2 so £18 something#but my point is it’s not that much difference when it’s not awful shops#sewing#craftblr#sewblr
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ebbs and flows. a week ago responded to the group chat for the first time in two entire years + then responded to my friend who was definitely joking about me dropping her off some snacks by doing a sneaky surprise drop + am now feeling very flat + apathetic about everything :(
#the group chat is just me + my friend from high school + her childhood friend who i buddied up with at the mutual friends birthday#years ago + we just clicked real well#and they tried to keep messaging the group chat for a few months but when i just never replied the chat died#so it was a super surprise to get the ping last week#they messaged back + forth for a bit + i jumped in#+ it was all like nothing had happened like i hadn’t fallen off the face of the planet for years#which makes me feel very grateful but also confuses me because fairly they should want nothing to do with me#like what kind of friend + also person does it make me that i just shut off like some sort of recluse for literal years#no explanation no nothing it’s so shitty of me even though i don’t mean for it to be#like it’s always a very ‘it’s me not you’ situation in a very genuine way#it never ever is anyone else it’s absolutely entirely me + my neuroses#but it has been nice to be reinvolved :-)#+ then the driving thing was so out of character for me#not the buying a gift for someone thing just literally the driving thing#new address during the day on a weekend is a pretty standard no go for me#but it was nice to be able to do something nice like that#to be fair it was just a sneaky surprise drop off i didn’t have to face her or anything#but it’s funny that i can be so close to feeling at least ok#to tanking in such an insignificant amount of time#+ for no reason or at least no reason known to me#anyways. going to work hard at keeping up with the group chat#personal
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i work really hard to not compare myself to others but it’s so bizarre to me to see other people my age like. going out all the time or travelling or even just living on their own. what do you mean all your money goes to just your own living expenses & your own fun and you aren’t the financial backbone of your family. every time i take vacation days a coworker will ask me if i’m going somewhere and its like no lmfao do you think im made of money. i dont think about it much because it doesn’t really do anything but upset me but deep down im so resentful of every other young adult who doesn’t have to pay their parents bills and just gets to blow their money on whatever the fuck whenever the fuck
#my best friend lives at home but doesn’t pay rent or anything at all and he was talking about buying new games & joycons & stuff#and he just dropped like. a large amount of money on getting a new dog#(impulsively. literally the whole thing happened in 24 hours and he wasn’t thinking about getting a dog at all)#and like its not like i WANT him to not be able to spend his money how he wants#i’m just resentful. because i keep trying to budget for things i want or even a fucking car so i can actually go places without it taking#over an hour. and then something unexpected pops up that i need to cover#like ive used 175% of the money i’ve earned this year on household bills#my savings are in shambles because nobody could afford shit so i had to cover it#and like. im happy to do it i don’t want my family to be screwed. theyre good to me.#but i hate this. and listening to people talk about throwing away money or impulsively spending tons without needing to worry about being#able to keep the lights on or whatever … tests my patience a little#im so resentful of having to be the grownup all the fucking time. why does everyone else get to be fiscally irresponsible and i don’t#freewheeling bitextual#even just people moving out … like i could afford to move out and i WOULD be if it wouldn’t completely fuck over everyone else#‘oh you live with your parents? you must save a lot of money that way’ fuck you!!! fuck you!!!!!!!#see what did i say. this train of thought is bad for me <3
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i’m being sooooo strong and sooooo brave and not snapping on anyone today 🙏🏻
#PEACE AND LOVE!!!!!! PEACE AND LOVE#like ok work was annoying and long. what else is new#everything felt like it was going wrong and everyone was driving me crazy but it ended okay ig#then i came home and my mom is acting neurotic and insane and like vacuuming at 9:30 pm. like can we do this idk.#not right now 😭#also im just annoyed like i don’t want to turn into a villain for asking for money BUT MY FRIEND OWES ME MONEY#like every time we do anything she has like 6 dollars in her account which. ok whatever times is hard#but she always insistsssss she’s paying me back and like 40% of the time she does!!!#so i guess i can’t say she NEVER does#but girl. the other 60%#and i don’t want to be that annoying person who’s upset over 30 dollars like it’s not about the 30 dollars#it’s that she SAYS she’s going to but she rarely does 😭 AND THEN BUYS HERSELF NEW SHIT like girl ik you didn’t need an ipad 😭#well. maybe i’m a bitch!!!!#idk im just in a bad mood LOL ok rant over#i don’t even feel better but rant over <3
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I’m tired of being in a bad mood but like nothing is going well rn
#I’m so overwhelmed working on cleaning up my apartment like#intellectually I can work out step by step what to do#it’s just so much to do and like I JUST DID ALL OF THIS LAST SEMESTER BC OF THE LAST WATER LEAK#I don’t want to have to clean every inch of my floor and try to wipe dust off everything I own and buy new pillows and just#i don’t want to work on this I’m tired and exhausted and I haven’t gotten to do anything fun bc I’m so busy with this#i wish I hadn’t moved so far from home bc I wish my mom could just come help me with this but my parents are on the other coast
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