#i don’t want to be that person. and it makes me feel like i’m functioning
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Been in my feels so I wrote a small Strollonso hurt/comfort fluff piece. Enjoy 🙏🏽
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Fernando and Lance sit side by side on the edge of Fernando’s hotel bed. Lance sighs.
Lance: I feel like a burden…
Fernando: Why is that?
Lance turns his head slightly towards the older man and gets a good look at his face. He looks rough. His eyes devoid of any light. The bags underneath them sunken and heavy. Eyebrows furrowed. ‘Poor guy’ Lance thinks to himself. He answers.
Lance: I watched you struggle to finish the race. Your radio… it made me realize that… you do so much for this team. Even putting your own health aside just to make their hardwork pay off. I couldn’t even start the fucking race….
Lance turns his head away from Fernando and stares at the ground underneath his feet.
Lance: I’m a screw up.
Fernando: Hey! Do not say that about yourself!
Lance continues to stare at the ground, tears starting to form in his eyes.
Lance: I mean am i wrong? I could never do the things you do for them…. i don’t know why you even continue to mentor me and teach me skills that i’m obviously not smart enough to do myself…. im useless.
Fernando sighs.
Fernando: Look at me.
Lance doesn’t move. ‘Crying infront of your teammate…crying infront of Fernando Alonso… he must think im pathetic…’ Lance’s thoughts making his eyes water even more.
Fernando: Please look at me cariño.
The ‘cariño’ being the reason Lance slowly turns his head to face Fernando. Stray tears falling down his flushed cheeks.
Fernando: You really think you’re a burden?
Lance tries to look away but Fernando catches his chin to keep him faced towards him.
Fernando: Because to me you are far from that. You don’t understand how much the team needs you… how much I need you.
Lance’s eyes widen, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks. The older man lets go of his chin and looks up at the ceiling with a small sigh leaving his mouth.
Fernando: Every teammate I have had… I always wanted to best them. Humiliate them. I wanted them to fear me. Know that no matter how hard they tried they could never compare to me.
Fernando tilts his head to look at Lance.
Fernando: But not you. You are different. I felt like it was my duty to help you. Guide you to become a better driver. Use my experience to help you adapt to different situations. By doing that, I knew that I could care about someone else other than myself. Be a better person.
Fernando places a hand on the back of Lance’s neck and leans closers to him, wiping the tears off his face using his other hand.
Fernando: You’ve made me a better person Lance… I need you to know this.
Lance is to stunned to speak. He let his mouth hang open at the words Fernando had just said. Fernando chuckles slightly to himself as he looks at Lance’s goofy expression.
Fernando: And remember, you are the centerpiece of this team. Without you, this team would not function properly. Your presence and determination is what drives this team. Even though people will say differently or say you don’t care, they don’t know you like we do. We know how hard you work. You are not useless. You are an incredible driver. You are valuable.
The Spaniard’s face moves closer to Lance’s. His hand gripping his jaw softly while the other is still grasping Lance’s scruff. Their lips inches apart. Both of them staring into each others eyes.
Fernando: You are loved.
Lance immediately makes the first move, crashing their lips together without a second thought. He for a split second expected Fernando to pull back or show some sort of resistance… but instead he felt Fernando kiss him back. Suddenly all the tears swelling up in Lance’s eyes had been released, down pouring down his cheeks and pooling into his collarbone as he deepens the kiss with his older teammate. Fernando continues to whisper ‘you are loved’ in between kisses making Lance’s face blush red like a tomato. They continue like this for a couple more minutes until Fernando breaks their kiss and leans a few inches back, leaving a strand of saliva hanging between their lips. They both take a moment to catch their breaths.
Fernando: You feel better?
Fernando tries to dry Lance’s face with his sleeve and moves his other hand gripping Lance’s scruff to the top of his head, ruffling up his hair a bit which causes Lance to giggle softly.
Lance: Yeah… I do. Thank you for caring about me Nando.
Fernando: Of course cariño. Just… promise me you won’t go calling yourself those terrible things. Useless, burden, a screw up. Get those words out of that talented head of yours, OK?
Fernando drops his hand from Lance’s jaw and holds it out for him to take. Lance rolls his eyes and sharply exhales out of his nose at the ‘talented head’ part but can’t help his blush from getting any redder. Lance takes the Spaniards hand into his, locking their fingers together. Sealing an unbreakable bond.
Lance: Ok. I promise.
#mind you i have never written a fic before#this just came to me on a whim cause i wanted to ‘vent’ my sadness#so why not use strollonso :)#hope it’s decent atleast#strollonso
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well fellas it’s happening i think i am maybe developing a crush on the girl ive been fucking recently 🫥
#the first person who i’ve felt even an inkling of a romantic feeling towards in over a year and of course it’s a fucking pisces#(i do not believe in astrology but i really need to believe in astrology rn for intricate rituals reasons😭)#anyways i feel a little bit insane and i don’t know what i want or what i should say and i genuinely GENUINELY genuinely. genuinely feel lik#e kara in all of the yearny supercorp fan fics#AND ALSO. i am a deeply weird autistic community college student and at the same age she is a neurotypical very very functional phd student#with a real job and a real apartment and a real life and a real future i feel so Unworthy of her lol. i’m good at making her come i love tsk#ing care of her but outside of sex i do not know what i have to offer bc i don’t know if my autistic whimsy personality works on neurotypica#ls. like i have yet to figure out if she likes me as a person or tolerates me bc i am oddly enough really good at fucking her idk.#ALSO . what even is a romantic relationship#like as is we go on cute excursions and fuck. what is the difference btw that and dating except monogamy and even that’s not necessarily a t#hing yk?????#AHHHHHHHHH like in my brain the difference btw romantic and fuck buddies is do you have long term intentions and no we don’t we’re in our 20#s we’re students neither of us is out here looking for a whole ass wife so what is the POINT of these feelings#bc like how does this end except hurt. is it worth the hurt at the end probably maybe idfk!!!#AHHHH WHO LET ME POSSESS THE CAPACITY FOR HUMAN EMOTION 😡😡😡
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my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.
#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all#which. again. is false#but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept#and like. It’s FINE#but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony#and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom#unable to move or function#I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing#but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully#like an unseen wound#and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people#is one of the most painful things#just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them#and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning#and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb!#tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams#or impetus or forward motion or anything#because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy#so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE#actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it#when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions#that’s the problem#anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.
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Finally deleted MyFitnessPal off my phone for my own personal sanity
#got some memories with that app#at first it was just sitting there bc I couldn’t stop myself from tracking the calories of some things#but after a 13 day streak shit could only get worse so I deleted it#proud of myself#that thing had me in chokehold last year did not want a repeat#tw myfitnesspal#tw mentions of eating disorder#random post#ooc post#kind of vent#???#started to wake up stressed out about what I’m gonna eat and I was like nooo not ts again#was literally restricting myself to 1200 cals a day AND IM 5’7#tw eating issues#sucks when you’re not even underweight so you don’t feel valid#waitttt I was not meant to trauma dump in this post#can we not bring being 2000s model skinny back into being trendy bc why are body types a tend in the first place#I can change fashion but definitely not my body#no bc this world is fucked up why was I scared to die alone bc I wasn’t skinny when I was literally 10#I hate that it’s normalized to praise people’s bodies#like idc if that makes me soft but a girl just living and everyone just talking about how good her body is#why is that okay bc yes it is positive but it also creates so many negatives#like does anyone get what I mean#it’s a compliment but it also makes everyone including that person afraid to be anything but ‘body goals’#idk how to explain it but like imo bodies shouldn’t serve aesthetic purposes#they actually have functions and needs and they allow us to live#tw body image issues#I hate wiead’s too but that’s just because why is everyone’s food so gourmet I literally just slap some butter onto toast lol#late night post
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ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually
#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can#i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed#i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline#my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up#and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf#it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do#it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time#kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly#it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly#it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person#it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.#so i won’t be i guess.#and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional#worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully?#i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place.#i have literally no excuses#it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better#and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!)#it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL
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Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).
I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.
So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.
#text post#incoherent rambling#project update#game project#I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too#It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know?#I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult#either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about#which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀#or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague#truly a balancing act writing is#kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members#which makes things both more and less difficult???#on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔#I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary#the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film#funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg#but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it#still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason#I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning#ugh writing is HARD#but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles#I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo#and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring#I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums#the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age#anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this#hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?
#tw mental health#personal#idk how to tag this#I’m doin BAD#like- I think I’ve run into that gifted kid thing where it’s like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I#never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it’s high functioning depression#like I hit my 20s and I can’t high function my way through this shit anymore#I don’t know how and that makes it worse bc I’m looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through#now I’m just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y’know?#im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don’t know where to start to even dig myself out of it#I’m self soothing to the point of it being harmful#if I don’t think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better#my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I’m worried about her but we work so well together that I don’t wanna find#someone new and start all over again#I just..#I tried telling my family I’m struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it’s like okay I’m just alone to deal with this like I#always do but I’m just.. I’m not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that#I’m not going to do anything but I can’t pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren’t at the front of my mind#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through#depression#mental health#struggling with depression#major depressive disorder
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#actually i am really sick of my family for making me feel like ‘being liberal’ Or Whatever is my only personal trait#because like i used to voice opinions on things until they made me feel bad/crazy for it#but now when they whip out the most batshit insane take on something & i’m just like ‘um i dunno…but to each their own’#& they still act like i’m crazy i’m so 💀#like my only cousin who’s into p/j/o was talking about how the new book (& while he ‘doesn’t care’ that Nico’s gay it—#‘came out of nowhere’ 🙄) the new book is written by two authors—one of them being a gay man because Richard wanted the input—#because he didn’t feel qualified to write it as a straight man or something idk#but my cousin. said. that if a straight man ‘can’t’ write a gay story then a woman can’t write a man’s story & vice versa#which. oh my god no#for one thing i do think anyone can write any story even/especially if it’s out of their depth but they should absolutely reach out—#if they want firsthand accounts of experiences like what it’s like to be gay etc#but also. of course a woman can write a man & vice versa what kind of take even is that? like yeah some people do it really weird—#(‘she boobed breastily down the stairs’)#but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be allowed if anything people should learn about the experiences of others#in general his takes of ‘i don’t Care i just wish it wasn’t Every Character that’s not how it Used To Be’#like 1.) if richard wrote lgbtq/poc main characters in 2005 he probably wouldn’t have sold many books#and 2.) it’s Greek mythology. you get what you sign up for#anyways yeah i’m really quiet at family functions but even when i just quietly disagree i’m made to feel really bad about it#& the next function is literally my grad party like next week ://#but after that there shouldn’t be anything for a while#rose.txt#tw vent
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as of late I’ve been super unhappy and not sure if/when I’ll be actually happy and I feel like I’m not allowed to like, be in anyone’s lives until I’m happy
#deity dialogue#it’s just really lonely#this is paired with the loneliness of feeling like I don’t have anyone#I feel like I’m burdening everyone in my life by existing in theirs#it feels like people would be better off if I didn’t exist and it feels like all I do is being people down or bother them#and I don’t want to be that type of presence in peoples lives like I want to be wanted and to be someone that people want in their lives and#like having around but i don’t feel like anyone actually feels that way about me and it’s just really hard to like exist and be happy when I#aways feel this way#I’ve said before that I feel like I’m burdening others by existing and that I’m more of an obligation to people than I am a friend#it’s just tiring and lonely I feel like I’m overstepping and intruding on peoples lives by existing near them#I keep like making myself cry today#I want to be wanted and liked and loved and I want to try and like be a normal functioning person but it’s just getting harder to do that#I’m just really tired#I just feel like I shouldn’t exist but I don’t like get a say in that either there’s nothing I can do
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MY EYES ONLY
𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: dom!chris x fem!reader
𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: a look into chris’s my eyes only…
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: PURE FILTH, p in v, unprotected sex (nuh uh!), swearing, choking, stomach bulge, oral (female & male receiving), praising, degradation, daddy kink, jealousy, squirting, spanking, possessiveness, overstimulation, dumbification, cream pie, semi-public, ROUGH
𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 888
𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: sorry for all the chris stuff lately i’m just so down bad for him but matt will make an appearance (hopefully) soon!
also… the last one will be turned into a fic😉
mattress digging deeper into your back every second, the hand around your throat only tightens. your small palm doesn’t even fit fully around his wrist. moans and pleas of ‘don’t stop!’ aren’t the only sounds echoing off the walls. the headboard bangs rapidly against the wall, a chuckle coming from chris every so often at your fucked-out state.
you two were extra horny this day, it seems, and of course, you had to take advantage of it. the video is taken from your drooling mouth down to the bulge in your stomach, chris quite literally balls deep inside of you. tits bouncing at the rapid pace he’s going, your nails dig deeper into his flesh. “yes! yes! yes!” you scream like a mantra, cum then coating his dick.
⋆⁺₊⋆ ❦ ⋆⁺₊⋆
to him, his finger slipped and “accidentally” pressed the post button. it starts casually with the desktop displaying fortnite, then he flips the camera to his face. a smug look is plastered on it before the camera flips again.
this time, it’s of you — under the desk with your boyfriend’s cock stuffed in your mouth. his other hand is wrapped around your locks in a makeshift ponytail, controlling the way you bob your head at a decent rhythm. all you have to do is sit there and take it.
looking at the camera with tears threatening to spill from your eyes, you smile, spit dribbling from the sides of your lips. he pushes your head down further to where the tip of your nose touches his pelvis, a gulp and gag going through his headphones before his face comes into view one last time. chris smiles smugly, with a caption that reads: we’re live! come hang out :)
⋆⁺₊⋆ ❦ ⋆⁺₊⋆
legs draped over his shoulders, your fingers massage lightly at the brunette between your plush thighs. the phone is propped up on the nightstand to make sure your entire body is in view. his tongue laps agonizingly slow on your puffy cunt, but it feels so good.
you’ve been a good girl all week; no attitude, no talking back, good manners, etc. you were in for a reward. this is your reward. he wants to eat you out like no other. until you see stars and that’s it.
soft moans fill the air, eyes fluttering closed and your mind blank. just how chris likes it.
growing closer to your high, you get impatient before rutting your hips forward, your moans growing louder. he hums disapprovingly, leaving your dripping hole empty. “no need to get naughty now, baby. i thought you were a good girl for me?”
“i am.” you whimper. “i’m sorry, daddy.”
thrusting his hips subconsciously into the mattress because of the nickname, he delves back in to suck on your clit. that alone washes the first of many orgasms through you. you end up passing out at the end.
⋆⁺₊⋆ ❦ ⋆⁺₊⋆
an argument sparked this beauty, which is also chris’s personal favorite. for context, you guys argued over something stupid before going to a party. because you’re so petty, you decided to purposely talk with a random guy at the function to get chris’s blood boiling. giving him those ‘fuck me’ eyes from across the room.
before you knew it, you were holding on for dear life on a pillow in a random bedroom he dragged you into. the velvet dress you’re wearing is bunched above your ass, and your panties are ripped in half and thrown to the floor. crying out apologies into the blanket is no use, skin stinging with his handprint on it. the video is hard to make out because of how fast the phone is shaking in his hand.
“fucking brat.” he spanks you again, a sob leaving your throat. “you think he can fuck you stupid like this? huh?”
his hand makes contact at least three more times during that sentence, and your body shakes uncontrollably. he already ripped two orgasms out of you. “that’s right. take it just like that — whose pussy is this?”
“yours.” you exhale, squirting without warning from the overwhelming pleasure and penetration.
gripping the top of your hair, he lifts your head. “scream it, slut. they can’t hear you.”
“yours, chris! it’s all yours!” you gasp, knuckles white from your grasp on the sheets.
looking down at the way his cock brutally thrusts in and out of your tight pussy, his jaw slacks at the sight. you clench around him as his tip repeatedly hits your cervix, eyes rolling when you cum harder than ever before.
he arches your back further to get as deep as he can with a grunt. his hips stop, long ropes of cum spilling the farthest it goes into your womb. pulling out, he takes two fingers to help his seed stay inside you, the rest dripping down your legs the rest of the night.
⋆⁺₊⋆ ❦ ⋆⁺₊⋆
it’s dark. the photo is barely visible but visible at the same time if you look at it long enough. the table in front of you has a reflection of the moon, your tits that are painted white take up half of the screen. the other half is of your face, a smile peeking through your lip bite. a tatted arm snakes around your neck, the selfie angled up high.
be careful leaving your things behind, chris. the text says.
𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭!
@bunbunbl0gs @lexisecretaccx @thy-mission @angelic-sturniolos111 @sophssturn @mattsneezing @janiellasblog @blahbel668 @meg-sturniolo @mattslolita @sturnbaby @imwetforyourmom @tillies33ssss @sturnifyed @raysmayhem-72 @ripmattitude @p1xieswrld @alorsxsturn @txssvx @sttzee @multiluvr @delilahprentiss @matthewsspecial @sturnolio-luvs @sturniolho @suga-daddy-69 @tworosesblackthorn @luckistar-posts @gnxosblog @junnniiieee07 @sturnioloslurps @tylerthecreatorsrealwife @flowerxbunnie @imaslut4kehlani @sturniolosandmoree @hertvgirl @asluttttforanakinskywalker @hearrtsturns @stars4matt @freshsturns @loverrsposts @sturnlcvr @elliesturniolo1 @tpvmz @user283926392 @lalalands86 @sukiipjs @sturniologirl813 @leahrab @chrissturniolosslut @h3arts4harry @sturnioloblogs @creamoncreamoncream2 @luv4kozume @ivyyyyyysposts @mirxcle1 @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @catalina-island @mbsbaby @mattsdollie @pinkfarts @slut4mattsturn @thesturniolos @vickeyzloserz @nononopenono1 @bitchydragonparadise @gdsvhtwa @hrt-attack @bellasfavbisexual @dwntwn-strnlo @venusbabysblog @meerkatzthings @crazychrisl0v3r @maggieflms @strtuniolo @mutualsafe @riasturns @sturniolowhore @antpile00 @ashley9282828 @stingerayyy2 @sturnsjtop @luverboychris @yapperchris @imaslutforoldermen @madisonlovesyouu @poetatorturadaa @chr1sgirl4life @hiimolivia @jo-777 @sturnskiss @st4rgrlll @mattyblover07 @sm-ec @mattluvsmarni @knowingnothingnoel @mattsgirlfrieeend @bambi-slxt @sturnstvr @sturnclouds @bernardsbendystraws @maryx2xx
#chris sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#sturniolo x reader#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo imagine#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo smut
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some days I actually feel like I’m able to think clearly and am not as inconsolable as I thought
#whimsy whispers#but those aren’t very frequent#sometimes I can just accept things are they are and not feel as hurt by them and it’s nice#like don’t get me wrong the pain is always there it’s just quieter sometimes and I can drown it out with things that make me happy#but most days I’m just sad#unfortunately my moods are still dependent on the affection and attention of others#noticeably I’m happier when kane is here and worse off when they’re gone#I just don’t like function well if I’m alone/feel alone#it’s why no matter how much I want to leave the state and live elsewhere I probably never will because if I did that I’d be all alone#and idk if I can handle being legit alone#because rn I live in a household of people so even when kane is gone the hosue isn’t like void of other people#and I don’t think having a cat can like fill the role of having a human person who I feel wanted by#ofc I do still want a cat#idk#uhhh today has been nice I suppose?#I finished some art#I was silly with kane#as mentioned earlier I was able to talk to my irl like we use to lately (kinda?)#idk things aren’t great they’re not all that better but things are improving#but things tend to fall apart again despite my efforts so we’ll see how I feel this time next week#I could be in despair and wanting to die again in a weeks time
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#so like taking with the physical therapist yesterday helped me feel a bit more optimistic about my future#but they operate under the goal of getting people to as low of a pain rating as possible#which isn’t a bad thing!#but it’s just hard to believe them when they say that one of my goals is bringing my baseline pain down to a four (currently between 6 and 7#but used to be between 7 and 8)#like yes! it’s only been three months and my pain has gotten better but it just means that I’m able to do more to keep up with my peers#it was hindering me significantly and still does!#so whenever my pain decreases I do more and then my pain goes back up because half of it is just trying to live my life#my pain keeps me from functioning and doing things I want to do and I don’t even realize it because I’m so used to it#and that’s entirely due to my parents and the doctor not listening to me when I told them that I was in extreme joint pain year after year#and they dismissed me. They just dismissed me!#I could have gotten physical therapy so much earlier. It might have prevented tons of pain!#but I was ignored for five years and now I tell doctors my average pain level and they do a double take because a person should not be#going through their entire day at a 7! that’s not something most people are able to do let alone do every single day!!#but I never had any other choice#i bought myself a cane because I got tired of limping by the end of the day#I had no guidance or support. I barely knew what I was doing other than I needed something to help me when my hip won’t stay in place#I couldn’t even go to my parents because they wouldn’t believe me and they’d just make me feel bad for it!#I cannot conceptualize being in no pain because I almost never experience it#and apparently people aren’t even supposed to be in pain most of the time#it just. sucks. it really does
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VOICE-MEMOS THEY SEND WHEN THEYRE DRUNK
Kirishima- “baaaaaaabe, hiii I’m out and well I mean I’m not really out anymore I’m on my way home. In an Uber cause no drunk driving duhhhhhh but actually I’m not even drunk so I actually could’ve driven but somebody I won’t name names was being a bit of an asshat and wouldn’t let me drive. But oh my god I love yousomuch like you know I love my guys but god I miss you every time I go out. And yes I know I’ll see you when I get home but your gonna be sleeping and I’m gonna be sad but honestly might wake you up because I wanna kiss you. Okaaay pulling up to to the cribbb noww BYYE”
Deku- “okay let me start by saying I’m only slightly under the influence right now. Like honestly barely, I didn’t even drink that much but sometimes I feel like because I never had a college experience to build my tolerance up I’m still a lightweight at 24 but anyways I’m on the way home and I keep thinking about how much I love you and I miss you so much and oh my god I don’t know what I’d do if we ever broke up. Not that I want that to ever happen but like oh my god how could I even function? I’d probably drop from number 1 to like in the hundreds 'cause I’d be that useless without you.” *starts crying and the rest of the audio message is him crying*
Todoroki - “y/n, I’m currently in midoriyas car because he’s driving me home because I accidentally drank too much at the after-party for the award show. I’m so sad you couldn’t come, like I know the anniversary party for your parents is really important that’s why I’m flying out tomorrow to be there for it. Shit, that was a secret. I hope you don’t listen to this because then you’ll know I’m on a plane coming to see you in like 3 hours. Honestly don’t know how I’m going to function hungover on an airplane but I think I’ll manage, I mean it’s not like it’s a commercial flight so I should be good. Damn it well I was originally going to say I love and miss you. Which still stands but I’m gonna go now because I think I’m going to throw up” “TODOROKI NOT IN MY CAR PLEASE”
Bakugou- “fuck. I’m so drunk right now and I hate even admitting that but that’s how shit-faced I am right now that I can even admit that I’m drunk. This is why I should never go out with my idiot friends, they make me drink and then I end up talking about you and that’s so beyond embarrassing. Not that you’re embarrassing I just don’t need them to know my business like that. Kirishimas driving me home right now which I feel like speaks volumes about my lack of good judgment right now. I don’t even know what the point of this message is I just wanted to say you’re one of the most tolerable person I’ve ever met and I really fucking love you. Okay bye this idiots smiling at what I’m saying and it’s creeping me out.
#my hero x reader#my hero headcanons#my hero academia x reader#my hero academia#my hero academia fic#kirishima eijirou#bnha eijiro kirishima#kirishima x reader#kirishima x y/n#kirishima headcanon#bakugou x you#bakugo x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bnha bakugo katsuki#bakugou x reader#bakugou headcanons#deku x reader#deku x y/n#deku fanfic#deku scenarios#izuku midoriya x reader#todoroki x reader#shoto todoroki x reader#bnha shoto todoroki#todoroki headcanons#todoroki fluff#izuku x you#izuku midoryia x you#izuku midoriya imagine#todoroki x y/n
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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𝐏𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐮𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞
character; 𝐆. 𝐒𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐮, 𝐆. 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐮, 𝐅. 𝐓𝐨𝐣𝐢, 𝐒. 𝐑𝐲𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧
cw; picking up the phone while they’re fucking you (f!reader)
tags; slight voyerism/missionary position/ teasing (gojo), teasing/ doggy style/ degradation (geto), vouyerism/ degradation/ praise/ chokehold/ back shots (toji),sex tape/ voyerism/degradation/ objectification / missionary (sukuna), [yuuji makes an appearance at the end] (f!reader)
a/n; I haven’t posted in a while, if you requested it is in the making I promise, by the way if the spelling/grammar is bad it’s cause i’m writing this at 1 am my brain ain’t function properly rn
𝐆. 𝐒𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐮
✰ would tease you, pick up the phone and tell the person that picked up that you’re busy while still fucking you.
“why don’t you answer it baby, it might be important?”
he smirks down at you as he watches you glare at him even though your moaning, letting out a weak “fuck you” at his childish antics.
“c’mon, all you have time do is see what they want it can be that hard”
his pace doesn’t let up and you watch in horror as he picks up the phone to answer with a devious smirk on his face. he knows you didn’t actually expect him to pick up the phone.
“this is gojo speaking, ah nanamin it’s you. sorry shes busy but I can help you”
your quick to slap your hand over you mouth and gojo feels the way you clench around him and he watches in amusement as you try to contain your noise though he’s sure the sound of his hips slapping against yours are making it through the speaker.
“yeah, I’ll be sure to pass on the message don’t worry”
once the call ends he throws the phone to the side and continues fucking you however the smirk never leaves his face. you’re sure to call nanami back and apologise for gojo’s behaviour.
𝐆. 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐮
✰ he would tease yout at first baiting you but he wouldn’t actually pick up.
“what would they think if they heard the pathetic sounds you’re making baby, you wanna find out?”
he watches as you shake your head and whine at his suggestion from below him but he feels the way your cunt tightens around him at the idea.
“you sure baby, then why did your pussy squeeze so tight when I mentioned it, clearly you want them to hear how much of a cock hungry slut you are don’t you”
it’s the first time something like this has happened so you’re not sure if he’s actually going to pick up or not, you’re oulse raising in anticipation.
“you think I don’t feel the way your sucking me in even tighter, someone would think that you actually enjoy the idea of someone hearing you, is that what you want?”
“no sug, please” you don’t know if your pleas will work as the way his hands grip onto your waist tighter say otherwise as well as the way he starts to reach for the phone ahead your pulse increasing. you believe he’s going to follow through with the suggestion until he picks yo the phone to decline the call and you sigh in relief.
“don’t worry princess, I’m the only one that gets to hear your slutty moans”
𝐅. 𝐓𝐨𝐣𝐢
✰ would pick up straight away and make you speak to the person on the phone as he fucks you.
“tell them you’re busy, make it quick”
your not ready by the time he puts the phone up to your ear and you don’t even recognise the voice speaking to you not that you have half the brain right now as toji fucked the sense out of you but you have to comply with his wishes as you dont want to be punished even though you know hes only doing it to humiliate you.
“make sure you speak properly otherwise they won’t be able to understand you baby”
it’s hard for you to speak as he has you held up by your throat so your words come out choppy in between your moans and theres no doubt that the person on the phone can tell whats going on. “ye -fuck! hello s-sorry about that. shit, can I um -oh fuck, can I c-call you back later?”
“taking to long princess, hurry up”
“fuck! m’ trying, please! no not you -fuck sorry. m’ b-busy right now so I’m gonna call you back- fuck!” toji doesn’t wait for you to finish your sentence sending one particularly harsh thrust just before the call ends throwing it back to it’s place.
“such a good girl doing as i asked, but now they know what a dirty slut you are, taking calls while you’re being fucked”
𝐒. 𝐑𝐲𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧
✰ puts the phone next to your pussy so that the person can hear the obscene sounds then next to your mouth to hear your moans.
“keep making ‘em pretty noises for me”
you don’t even notice when he picks up the phone but you soon realise that he is holding your phone down to where his balls slap against your ass making the wettest sound and you know that he’s recording a video as he usual does when the two of you fuck, he says he saved it for when he can’t fuck you l.
“hear that it’s the sound of quality pussy, she’s sucking me in so tightly. bet you wish you were me huh?”
you don’t even have half a mind to question what he’s doing right now as even though he’s occupied with the phone he’s still fucking you brutally shaking the bed with the force of his thrusts eliciting loud and long moans from you.
“my pretty little whore can take my dick so well, she even makes the prettiest noises for me wanna hear?”
you’re not sure how long he records the sounds your pussy makes but the next thing you know is that the phone is placed next to your ear for it to hear the profanities leave your mouth one after the other a proud smirk on his face as you do “ryo please- oh fuck, feels s-so fuckin good”
“my cunt takes cock so well, pretty sure it’s all she’s good for. just to be used as my fleshlight”
you soon later come to learn that it was yuuji the video was for yuuji after hearing your moans he may or may have not fisted his cock all night in jealousy wishing it were him fucking you instead.
𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭��𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 - 𝐉𝐔𝐉𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐔 𝐊𝐀𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐍
@tyunixia @riowmie
#✰𝐊𝐘𝐔𝐍 𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐒✰#jjk x reader#jjk gojo#gojou satoru x reader#gojo x you#gojo smut#gojo satoru smut#gojo x reader#gojo satoru#geto x y/n#geto x you#geto x reader#getou suguru#getou x reader#geto suguru#toji fushiguro#jjk toji#toji zenin#toji x reader#toji smut#sukuna x y/n#sukuna x you#sukuna smut#jjk x y/n#jjk smut#jjk#jujutsu geto#toji x you#jujutsu toji#ryomen sukuna
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