#i don’t function well on less than 8 hours so this is. showing

[graveyardparade]

kim kitsuragi skillset

Wrote a Kim Kitsuragi skillset! If you’ve seen this before: yes, you have, I just accidentally deleted my tumblr! Whoops! Thanks for the love this got before, and I hope y’all enjoy it again. 

QUI VIVRA VERRA stay alive HAND-EYE COORDINATION: COOL FOR: TAILORS. HEAVY MACHINERY OPERATORS. PINBALL ENTHUSIASTS. Hand-Eye Coordination is all about those fine details as synapses fire in your brain, connecting your eyes to your hands -- and those eyes of yours aren't so good, are they? You've had to work extra hard for this one. It's what allows you to thread a bobbin, to make that hairpin turn that's more cool than wise and though you hotly deny it, yes, it's what lets you really go ham on the three-ball special for the Man From Heimdall pinball machine to nudge at it at just the right time to win The Babe and an adolescent light show. If you want to have any hope of shooting a firearm well enough to pass your exams, this is the skill you need. At high levels, Hand-Eye Coordination will help you survive. You'll make that shot. You'll catch the wrist of a desperate criminal before he jabs you with that switchblade. You'll be able to sew a bar tack so that you don't ruin that beautiful - and expensive - antique coat. At low levels, you won't be fit to function in basic society, let alone be a cop. Everyone will see the weaknesses they expect from you. INTERFACING: COOL FOR: MECHANICS. RADIOCOMPUTER PROGRAMMERS. MASTER MAGICIANS. Interfacing is what allows you to connect with the mechanical world. Dive into the world of radiocomputers, dig your fingers into that engine, go ahead and fix that leaky faucet yourself because god knows your landlord is never going to take care of it! It's a useful tool to have in life to make sure you can be the independent adult you want to be. With this skill, you can identify this skill in others as well. See what suspect is trying to pull the wool over your eyes by citing that they were doing repairs with the wrong tool that just so happens to be the murder weapon. See when the motor pool's trying to scam you. Use your clever fingers to pick locks and pockets alike! At high levels, Interfacing will ensure that humans lose their charm. They are not predictable and controllable the way machines are, bending coyly to your whims, and why bother dealing with your fellow man when you can simply lose yourself in pistons and valves? But your motor engine can't keep you warm at night. At low levels, you'll -- wait, what do you mean your motor engine can keep you warm at night? Forget it. You're already too far gone. KINETIC DRESSAGE: COOL FOR: SEOLITE MONKS. CEOS. PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES. Kinetic Dressage is what keeps you running as a well-oiled machine. Everything you do, everything you wear, everything you use is made with functionality in mind, even the things other people don't think about. Your ballpoint pen is a wand in your hand, waterproof ink running smoothly along the crisp off-white paper of your notebook. Everything you wear has pockets, every item you carry on you has its specific place. You eat your vegetables, you get your 8 hours of sleep, and you have the willpower to smoke exactly one cigarette a day. It's the sort of rigidity high net worth individuals say is a testament to how they got to where they are now. You are not a high net worth individual, but you're keenly aware of the fact that you only get one body in life. Best not to let it go to ruin. At high levels, you're incredibly functional. You will not succumb to the temptation of drugs and alcohol, your feet will remain unblistered, your tools well taken care of and streamlined. You're prepared to take on anything and everything, and you won't tolerate anything less from yourself. But it's not cool, is it? There's a point at which it sucks all spontanaeity out of your life, leaving you with no freedom to truly express yourself. At low levels, you'll indulge in all the illogical creature comforts you want until you look up and see nothing but the wreckage of what could have been a good life before you. RESILIENCE COOL FOR: OVERWORKED NURSES. WINTER CAMPING ENTHUSIASTS. SERIAL MONOGAMISTS. Maybe Kinetic Dressage is what keeps you running as a well-oiled machine, but Resilience is what keeps you running period. It's the skill that will have you endure, will have you flourish in the midst of the pounding adrenaline that inevitably end with a crash. Sleepless nights? No problem. Raging winters? Part of the job. That pounding headache? Pushed aside, baby. A racist screaming in your face? This will give you the strength to stoically bear it until you can give them the old what-for. Pain and heartache and strife is what it means to be alive, dearest. This will give you the strength to keep going, not because you want to, but because you must. At high levels, resilience will help you weather every storm and adapt to whatever life throws at you, but it will make you overconfident in your own abilities. No matter how high your resilience is, it will not turn you to stone. If you keep going as much as your resilience tells you you can, you'll keep taking more and more on until you break down under the pressure. At low levels, it won't take much pressure to trigger that breakdown in the first place. Have you considered a career change? PANIC AND STRESSOR DISORDER COOL FOR: WAR ORPHANS. SURVIVORS. LIEUTENANTS THAT CAN'T CATCH A BREAK. After an event that has been classified as being sufficiently traumatizing, it is RCM policy to have their officers undergo a psychiatric evaluation. It does not come with psychiatric help, of course, but it's better than nothing. The woman you spoke to mentioned potential Panic and Stressor Disorder. You had countered her with the fact that in Revachol, you would have to be a fool not to demonstrate caution. She responded with a noncommital hmmm. Panic and Stressor Disorder is what fuels the fear in your heart. People without fear never tend to live for long. It will spot the switchblade in the pocket, the stalker in the night, the malevolence of a man unafraid to pull the trigger. It is something ancient and carnal in you that tells you to react on instinct and to believe the worst in people. Worse yet is how often it's right. At high levels, you'll be too jittery to focus, seeing threats around every corner for you and your buddies alike. You'll pull your firearm too soon, pull your trigger too soon. What you thought was a monster crouched in the night was actually your neighbour's fluffy little dog. But at low levels, you'll have trained yourself out of all survival instincts. Keep your eyes peeled and your hands stilled. Nobody but you can hear the clamour of your heart. BRAWN COOL FOR: SAMARAN BEAR WRESTLERS. WEIGHTLIFTERS. YOUR DREAMY NEIGHBOUR WHO CARRIES ENORMOUS BAGS OF CAT LITTER UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS EVERY SUNDAY. Brawn is a necessary skill that no amount of brains can make up for. You will get into fights. That's a fact. Brawn is what will help you survive it. It will help you knock down doors, pry open locked containers, push someone's stalled vehicle up an icy hill and, if you're good enough, catch someone's hand in mid-punch like those action movies you pretend not to like. When the cards are down and you're stuck fighting some guy twice your size, it helps if when you punch him, it collides with a crunch. At high levels, you'll be able to do every physical feat you set out to do, but your vanity and desire to solve things straightforwardly will set you on the wrong path. You'll want everyone to see how well you can break down that door even though the key's in your pocket. In other words, you'll be a dull meathead. But at low levels, you won't be able to do the bare minimum, your fists flabby and as weak as your gut. Good luck fighting in that condition, binoclard. DETECTIVE just like in the movies DEDUCTION COOL FOR: DEFENSE LAWYERS. MOB BOSSES. SCHOOLTEACHERS. Deduction is the primary skill in your toolbox, you mean, lean, detecting machine. It allows you to look, really look at a case and put all the little details together as smoothly as you solve your crosswords or as relentlessly as you minmaxed your Wirral characters back in the day. You'll be able to see evidence from every angle, spot footprints in the mud, draw invisible lines between persons of interest, pounce on inconsistencies, and make flying leaps of logic. It's the fun part of your job. The world doesn't look like the terrifying mystery that it is from this perspective. It's a puzzle, and it's yours to solve. At high levels, deduction will be your best friend on a case, helping you put two and two together. But you'll become so reliant on the way things should be that you'll be blinded to how the truth is often less logical than fiction. At low levels, you'll be rendered too senseless to be of any use as a detective at all. REVACHOLIÈRE COOL FOR: TRIVIA BUFFS. PATRIOTS. HOMEBODIES. Lady Revachol has devoured you. She runs in your boots, your brains, your blood, your bones, for even if she doesn't know you - and she does not; you feel this as a sad fundamental truth - you know her. You were born on these streets, kiddo. You love her even when she's dirty and corrupt, her beautiful skin pockmarked by the wreckage of bombs, her heart made heavy by failure. Being a true blue Revacholière means that your knowledge of the city is unparalleled. You know her storied history and her place in the world, you know how her people think, you know the quiet alleyways good for smoking and rampant homicide alike, you know her slang and her dirtiest swears. You'll be able to contextualize her people and their crimes of passion; knowing the details is nothing without knowing their stories. You'll also know an absolutely insufferable amount of trivia about the city. Remember that nobody really cares that that Fritte on the corner used to sell pathogen-ridden hot foods for courageous drunkards. At high levels, you'll struggle to look at the world beyond Revachol and its influence on even your small life. You'll be unadventurous, too busy where you are to see where you're going. Your pride in this place will make you less likely to see the grime underneath, laid bare and unromanticized. But at low levels, you won't know her at all. What are you still doing in this dead-end shithole? You'll wonder. You'll get up one day and come to your senses to fly somewhere far, far away. KIMBALL COOL FOR: THESPIANS. JUVENILE DELINQUENTS. LOVERS OF CHEAP BEER. Oh, Kimball. Don't roll your eyes. You really should just accept that you're never getting rid of that nickname. Embrace it! Your time working undercover has given you invaluable insight, even if you insist on pushing it away. This skill is what let you connect with the criminal underground as part of the underground. It's your skill to bluff, to lie, to act reliably as though you're someone you're not even if you're forced to piss out pint after pint of shitty beer they ply you with. It also makes you really, really good at pinball. At low levels, you'll no longer be able to reliably pass as anything but the sane, functional adult that you are. You'll be disconnected to criminals and the youths alike. Your intimidation tactics will fall flat. At high levels... well, you don't have to worry about that. You've been actively repressing this one. Good luck forgetting about it. Nobody else will. PAS DE DEUX COOL FOR: THE NATURALLY CO-DEPENDENT. COMRADES. MOVERS AND SHAKERS OF STATION POLITICS. Pas de deux -- because what is detective work between partners if not a carefully choreographed dance? All right, it can be a great many things, but in your eyes, partners should be in sync. This skill helps you connect with your fellow officers. Catch the subtle flick of their eyes that tells you to be on your guard, notice the uneasy shifting of their feet, see the way that their spine straightens when the Captain strolls into the room. You'll be able to speak without speaking and empathize with their worldviews. On a greater scale, the Precinct's a stage; with this skill, you'll be able to deftly move through it, aware of your place and aware of how best to navigate it. Maybe you can even get a promotion. Lieutenant-yefreitor Kitsuragi has a nice ring to it. At high levels, you'll turn a blind eye to your partner's flaws. You'll cover up for them and do anything to maintain good relations in the station. You'll catch a bullet for them, even if they don't deserve such devotion. But at low levels, you'll get nowhere. No partner, no rising in the ranks, no understanding of the way the Precinct functions and, perhaps most importantly, you won't catch their warnings right in the nick of time. PROFESSIONALISM COOL FOR: STONE-COLD KILLERS. TEACHER'S PETS. WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIAS. The consummate professional. That's you. Professionalism will get you everywhere. With this, you'll remember everyone's ranks and proper titles, you'll fill out every piece of paperwork with the Is dotted and the Ts crossed. The first-aid training everyone is supposed to receive? You'll remember every word. Combat training? That too. You'll turn down every bribe, turn your nose up at every hint of corruption, refuse to indulge in your colleagues' immature schoolboy antics. Your brain is packed with scripts and rules and resources that will help you navigate the murky streets of Revachol's underbelly with some sort of guidebook. Everyone else will see your professionalism too, whether it intimidates them or inspires them. At high levels, you'll be a rigid law-abiding machine, isolated and remote from the people you serve. You won't pause to consider what will really happen to that person when you arrest them or weigh the law against the mercy in your heart. At low levels, you'll just be another bribe-collecting scumbag willing to beg, steal, and borrow your way to the top. AUTHORITY COOL FOR: RADIO NEWSCASTERS. MOB BOSSES. DISPASSIONATE PATRIARCHS. All of the detective skills in the world won't help you excel at your job if you don't have Authority on your side to make people actually listen to you. Let's be honest: you were not born with the natural gifts of some of your colleagues, who command respect simply by existing. No, you're a bespectacled Seolite with a weak chin and a naturally quiet voice, shorter and slimmer than your peers. But none of that matters. Your carefully cultivated sense of Authority is more powerful than anything that comes to someone naturally. Stand up straight, stick out your chest, and clear your throat; you can do what others do with a shout with a voice no louder than a whisper, because people know you mean business. A single raised eyebrow from you will turn people's legs to jelly. When you speak, people will listen. You'll be able to assert control over a situation, whether that's to command respect from your colleagues from your sheer gravitas so they'll follow your lead in a tight situation or to intimidate criminals into spilling the information that you need to solve the case. At high levels, you'll be a power-tripping monster, too obsessed with being the biggest and baddest of them all to exercise empathy and kindness when it's warranted. But at low levels, people will just walk all over you. You've had quite enough of that for one lifetime. ANIMUS guide your infernal machine VOLTA DO MAR COOL FOR: INTERISOLARY TRAVELERS. WELL-ADJUSTED HUMAN BEINGS. CREATURES OF HABIT. The Volta Do Mar is a technique used by interisolary travellers to remain sane on their long journeys through blinding nothingness, but it's not just for these intrepid travelers. Sometimes even the land-bound need a little help. No matter at how lost at sea you become, the Volta Do Mar will help you find your way back to shore. It's what keeps you centred within yourself, making sure that even if nothing else makes sense, you do. You will resist succumbing to temptation and histrionics alike. No matter how hard things get, you'll sit down at the end of the day, close your eyes, and the Volta Do Mar will welcome you home, a sense of peace and clarity at the end of all things. It will keep you sane. It will keep you yourself. At high levels, you will be an island. But at low levels, you'll lose yourself, whether that's the oblivion at the bottom of a bottle or falling deep into the Pale. COMPOSURE COOL FOR: DRILL SERGEANTS. CAREER GAMBLERS. DELIVERERS OF BAD NEWS. No matter what emotions swirl underneath, Composure is what allows you to keep up that poker face. With this, you'll be stony, unmoving, a pillar of reassuring stoicism no matter what you're faced with. People will look at you and think, man, nothing gets to that guy. Nobody will be able to pry past the front you put up, which means nobody will know how to manipulate your emotions or dig into your squishy bits to really hurt you. Not everyone's as good at this as you are. Holding yourself separate will allow you to see all the chinks in their armour too. At high levels, Composure will make you deeply emotionally constipated. Good god, man, you're alone in your own apartment! Surely you don't need to keep a stiff upper lip there! It just can't be healthy. But with low Composure, you'll crack like an egg. Your every emotion will rise to the surface. People will use you. And you'll let them. TORQUE DORK COOL FOR: TECHNICAL DOCUMENTARY ENJOYERS. PORNO-TUNERS. BOMB DEFUSERS. Being a Torque Dork goes beyond just knowing how machines work. In this, you're a specialist. You know everything about aerostatics and motorcarriages by heart, even if you'll never be able to get your hands on the really good stuff. Given the proper tools, you can do far more than change a tire, and you can recognize an aerostatic model from a single schematic. You know the names of the pilots and the drivers and you can happily hobknob with even the experts without batting an eye. You might even win a debate with a professional TipTop announcer, a subject in which you have extremely strong opinions. They'll be incredibly impressed with your prowess in the field and your co-workers will be even more impressed when they don't need to call in a mechanic to identify what's really wrong with their motorcarriage. At high levels, you'll be an obsessive, insufferable know-it-all. You're not nine anymore. People are less forgiving of you rambling on about that really cool plane rotor. Criminals can distract you with a single cry of, "Look! It's a Septa 9000 model dragline with vinyl-coated graphene cord!" At low levels, you'll live. It'll just be a lot less fun. RULE OF COOL COOL FOR: SMOKERS. TRENDSETTERS. NARCISSISTS. Rule of Cool is what guides you to do something for no reason other than that it's sexy. It's the part of you that pushes your sober-minded nonsense aside and screams, look at me! Reason has no place here. It's all about how you look. Cigarettes are bad for you, but my god, look at the way the smoke plumes delicately out of your mouth and into the night's sky. That jacket won't keep out the chill, but it makes your shoulders broad and your waist tantalizingly trim. With this skill, everyone else will see your carefully cultivated image too. After you've impressed them, they'll want to impress you too. Hang your approval and your smile just out of their reach; when you play hard to get, they'll give you what you want. At high levels the Rule Of Cool will rule out common sense. There's such a thing as too cool. It'll also make you a douchebag. Cool people are aloof, after all. Being emotionally accessible is some dull normie garbage. But at low levels, you'll just be some schmuck people will simply overlook and discard. NOTATION COOL FOR: COURT TRANSCRIPTIONISTS. PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC MEMORY PROBLEMS. CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGISTS. You could blame your profession for your reliance on writing things down, but that argument falls apart when it becomes clear that you don't just write things down that are pertinent to whatever case you're working on. Notation is what compels you to write everything down. Everything. Somewhere down the line, externalizing your thoughts through paper and ink is how you think. It helps you remember details, assess situations through an objective eye, and make decisions that are right for you through exhaustive pros and cons lists. No matter what you're facing, you feel a lot better if you can open one of your many notebooks and thumb back to something that could maybe help you, or at least help you feel a little more in control of the situation. And in some way, in this solitary life of yours, it's proof: I lived. I was here. I had thoughts, even if those thoughts were pick up eggs, milk, bread, shaving cream. At high levels, you'll be paralyzed by indecision before you can go through your notes as though right and wrong is an objective thing and can be separated and analyzed. Plus, writing everything down when you're not on the job tends to spook people. Don't do that on social calls. You'll look weird. At low levels, you'll be prone to blundering into situations unprepared and you'll forget the important details you didn't think were important at the time. Plus, you'll lose your main methodology of thinking; maybe other people can think without a pen in their hand, but you're not one of those people. PRACTICALITY COOL FOR: RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. EXHAUSTED PARENTS. LIVE SLOW, DIE OLD. Practicality is what keeps you as a functioning member of society. There's nothing very exciting about it, but it's important to be tethered to reality. Practicality is what urges you to make sane decisions for yourself. You'll pay your rent on time, your fridge will remain stocked with sensible, easy-to-prepare foods, and you remember to water your plants every week. You'll do things not because they're fun, but because life would be a lot worse if you let those dishes pile up in your sink for weeks at a time. Practicality also doubles as an encyclopedia for everything that nobody really sets out to learn but figures out in the long journey of being alive. You remain aware of the sociopolitical situations of the world. You understand how currency works. You know how to navigate social interactions with strangers so you can politely talk about the weather. The world can be a big, scary place, but you know your own comfortable place in it. At high levels, practicality will make you inflexible and dull. But at low levels, you'll forget the things that are really important, and while others may make fun of you for your steadfast sanity and notable lack of creativity, everyone would be worse off if you threw it all away. SELF-ACTUALIZATION you, warts and all SPEEDFREAK COOL FOR: ADRENALINE JUNKIES. IMPULSE SHOPPERS. NAUGHTY BOYS. The Speedfreak inside you is that creature that's just waiting for its next rush. It makes you want stimulation, and it makes you want it now. It's the little voice inside your ear that tells you: the road is empty, why not turn up the music and go really, really, irresponsibly fast? Do it! Do it now! Blast music until you can hear it in your bones! Go dancing! Have sex with a stranger! Maybe drugs aren't bad, actually. Maybe you'll have a really good time! It serves a purpose. It will help you let loose a little. It will help you understand others who live for such simple creature pleasures. Letting yourself have a treat every now and then will help your other, more boring skills stay as effective as they need to be without completely imploding. At low levels, you won't understand the party people that make up Revachol and you'll be too much of a stuffed shirt to be able to connect with them. Plus, all that repression can't be good for you. How far can you reasonably shove that stick up your ass? At high levels, you'll go skydiving without a parachute. Splat. PASSION COOL FOR: HOMEBREW WIRRAL GAME MASTERS. ART SCHOOL REJECTS. BEAT POETS. Remember, before the prospect of the Pale terrified you, you used to want to take to the skies and fly? Remember the pure, unfettered joy you felt when your school librarian gave you a box of pulpy sci-fi books they had to take off the shelves? Remember when you didn't reschedule so many Wirral games that your party had to kick you out? Remember when, at the ripe age of 39, you bought that model you've coveted since you were nine and spent evening after evening in the joyous pursuit of putting it together? That's Passion, baby. Passion is what you have for the things that you really love for no practical reason that you can justify. It's a rejuvenating, energizing source. With it, you'll be able to learn more about the things you love, and you never know when more knowledge will come in handy, do you? It also connects you to other people -- but that sort of passion is something you squashed down a long time ago. At high levels, you'll neglect the dreary, depressing aspects of your life in favour of your fun, exciting hobbies. It turns out that dealing with corpses all day isn't the sort of thing humans naturally enjoy. At low levels, you'll have a hard time wanting to crawl out of bed in the morning. ALIENATION COOL FOR: CHILDREN OF THE DIASPORA. FACTORY WORKERS. BIG CITY LIFERS. Alienation is the name of what you feel when a second-generation white Revacholiere yells at you: Welcome to Revachol! It is what you feel when your elderly Seolite neighbour starts talking to you in a foreign language and looks pityingly at you when you say sorry, I don't understand. It is what you feel when a well-meaning co-worker tries to set you up with his sister and you can't be honest about why you're saying no. (Not that you'd agree to being set up with his brother either.) It used to be painful. But you're old now, and comfortable in your own skin. You've taken the barbs and directed them outwards instead. Alienation will help you stand firm in who you are as a person, not dictated by expectation, but by who you know yourself to be. It helps you stand a little bit apart from everyone else and give you the clarity of an outsider, able to make assessments others miss. It helps you compartmentalize, separating your feelings and motivations into little boxes until you're ready to properly deal with them. At high levels, Alienation will ensure that you'll never be able to genuinely connect with another human being. Being an outsider isn't always the gift you can make it into. But at low levels, you'll be compromised. You'll take every snide word personally and try to twist yourself into unnatural shapes just to fit in. And no matter how hard you try, you never will. UNDERGROUND COOL FOR: SHHH. DON'T SAY. ANYBODY WHO NEEDS TO KNOW, KNOWS. Oh, darling, you always knew you were different. It was tiring labouring underneath the weight of others' expectations, wasn't it? It was tiring feeling like perhaps something was wrong with you. But then you grew up and there it was waiting for you: The Homo-Sexual Underground, filled with people with all sorts of interesting thoughts about sexuality and gender. All of a sudden, you weren't alone anymore. You were a part of an exclusive club, and what an exciting club that is! The Underground is your ability to navigate these spaces with ease. You know the symbols, you know the language, you know the secret codes you pass among yourselves, the bars and clubs and board game groups in which everyone's a little freer to be themselves. It will help you recognize your own in the wild, and it will let them recognize you too. Maybe in a kinder, more accepting world, there would be no kinship based solely on who you feel desire for. Even so, you relish it. At high levels, you'll be able to stay on top of all the new words the kids are using these days. You didn't think the Underground would stay the same forever, did you? But don't worry. To the Underground, you're an elder. They don't expect this of you. At low levels, you'll find a wife so you can be the sexually-incompetent, emotionally-unavailable husband you know you could be. SELF-CRITIQUE COOL FOR: RELIGIOUS FANATICS. RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. CHILDREN WITH DISTANT FATHERS. Self-Critique is the skill that keeps you in line. You'll be able to see how others see you, and it's not always in the most flattering light. More importantly, you'll be able to see how you would see yourself if you were to meet yourself. Keep yourself in line. With Self-Critique, you'll be able to see every mistake you make or are about to make, you'll see what interests make you look frivolous and foolish to the outside eye, you will be able to restrain yourself in the pursuit of perfection. It's that voice inside your head that tells you when you're being stupid or mean or vain, the voice inside your head that says all the nasty things to you before anyone else can. Sometimes this voice doesn't sound like you at all. Sometimes you suspect this skill gets closer to the truth than the others ever will. At high levels, you'll be too stymied by self-critique to do anything, like a communard writing manifesto after manifesto and throwing each and every one of them away. It is a joyless, unforgiving way of living your life. At low levels, you won't be able to identify your own flaws. Someone else will be able to see that you like things. They'll think you're stupid. You don't want that, do you? LE COEUR COOL FOR: BLEEDING HEARTS. LOVERS. YOU. Underneath the cool facade, there is a soft tender heart: Le Coeur. It's the part of you that cares about other people. Your friends affectionately call you a worrywart, and they're not wrong. It's the part of you that will drop off groceries to a sick friend, that will see a young homosexual and try to push them towards people who will understand them, the part of you that will write poetry about your lover's crooked smile, the part of you that yearns to hold and be held. Being in tune with your own feelings means being in tune with others' feelings as well. You'll be able to see to the heart of them, but once you do, you won't be able to look away. At high levels, you'll guide yourself through life with your heart, which is a very stupid way to live. You'll get hurt. You'll want to help people with no intention of helping themselves. You won't be able to put aside these tender feelings to be able to do your damn job. At low levels, you'll stick to the yearning, a comfortingly familiar place at the end of the day.

[jolapeno]

hii! this might be quite personal and I mean no offense but how do you write so much? do you block time out (and how do you write so well?) I need to know!!!

I’m sorry I’ve sat on this one for a few days anon! my personal life has been a shit-show and I always worry if I respond when im under stress my British-wit/snark comes across as bitchiness 😂 because what I want to say is—

poor mental health + shit sleeping routine + a head full of stories

but that sounds flippant, doesn’t it? even if I mean it in jest. so I sat on it to give you and anyone else that will read this, the below insights into me, jo. a person you may follow, someone you may check in on but don’t follow, or someone who makes you seethe from a corner hahahah.

one. I have always created stories in my head. which sounds cliche, but it’s true. i assume there’s some psychological explanation like avoidance because I don’t have the tools to deal with real life or that I prefer the version of myself in my head than irl. but that’s point one. my head is full of them. and for as long as I can remember, on and off, it’s always been there. I didn’t always write, admittedly, but I thought about them. maybe made my dolls reenact them or created the story on the sims.

two. point one leads nicely into point two, but I find life very overwhelming a lot of the time. I cope, I function, but writing helps me so much. so I tend to do it daily. I physically can feel when I haven’t—like there’s too many voices, too many things bursting around inside of me. it’s how I cope with my mood disorder, and I’m happy to say 8/10 it works. (this is partially why I don’t get fazed by numbers, im going to write regardless if I share it, and if I do share it, there’s zero expectation from me anyone will read it. it’s more a gift from my brain to your day, you know?)

three. because of point two (see a theme here) I struggle to sleep. a good day for me is six hours. a bad day is three. somewhere in the middle I tend to cope and function. sometimes, when life is really fucking hard, I’ll have eight hours and you can tell—because I actually do not write. it usually means I’m burnt out, honestly.

four. more pleasant now, less scene setting than before, but I plan out things. before I share a series I’ll bank a handful of chapters in case my muse fucks off on vacation (the wench) and I’ll always write an ending so I can go about writing out of order (because I do not write anything in order, not a chapter, not a series or a one shot). so mainly, I find a routine that works for me. I cannot force myself to write chronologically, so why bother? you know? circles don’t go in square holes and all of that.

five. I’m rigid with my upload dates. yes, for lovely followers this means waiting, and for me this gives structure — which helps massively with points one to three. but it also buys me time. it gives me the chance to sit in my feelings when I share a chapter, and think logically about what I want the next chapter to feel like. I also like having dates associated to characters in my head, because it gives me some focus of when I should share it.

six. I can write on my phone, at a laptop and in a notebook. the phone one helps massively as I can do so anywhere and any place. this has meant long drives provide oneshots you all love, chapters have been written on planes and things that make you all hate me are written in bed, in the dead of the night, while the rest of the world sleeps. but again, I found a system that works for me. writing at night is my best and most productive time, so I had to adapt to be able to do so effectively without making my husband worry about me.

seven. surround yourself with people who don’t judge you for writing copious amounts. I’ve tried to do the fitting in thing, I’ve tried to dilute myself, and I’ve tried to lessen uploading because of comments “friends” have made or asks I’ve gotten. find people who celebrate you even one on one, because that’s when you’re creativity will really bloom.

eight. I mentioned earlier about process, but I have a process that works for me in terms of plotting. I do a few rounds of different things which I call skeleton, muscle and then skin. but my friend ( @thetriumphantpanda hi babe) loves to create mood boards before she begins. we all have processes and it’s finding one that works for you. my process helps me share all the things I do with you.

nine. I tell the story I want to tell. I pour my heart out onto a screen because I want too. and because im pleasing myself first and foremost, it allows me to feel creative. for the only time in my life, I am in control and I get to put myself first.

ten. I love writing about love. I love grand gestures, and small little moments; I love big speeches, and I also love the head turn and a simple, you’re not too bad you’re not. I love it all. and because of that, I fucking love what I do on here.

so, to answer the question what started all of this off, I write so much because I love what I do, because I can, and because i do it for me first with the secondary hope I make one persons day. that’s it. that’s my baseline, one person outside of me. the rest is just a bonus.

so, find the thing you love to write about, and just write it. take your time. there’s no right or wrong way to do it. write ten words a day or a hundred or a thousand. spend days moving a full stop or a comma or weeks thinking an idea over but not making a single note.

however you choose to do it, make sure you have fun. because otherwise, it’s just a job, and we already have to give to much of our days to that as it is.

[renee-mariposa]

Nothing in my day-to-day job shows me the limits of modern medicine like vancomycin does. And it makes me insane.

(extremely long, somewhat incoherent nerd rant below the cut)

See, vanc is really good at, like, three things: treating MRSA (when given IV), treating ampicillin-resistant enterococcus (when given IV), and treating c diff (when administered orally ONLY). Most every use outside of that, like when it’s used to treat methicillin-susceptible staph aureus for “penicillin allergic patients” (don’t get me started on PCN allergies), actually has data that it increases risk of morbidity and mortality (i.e. harm and DEATH).

Unfortunately, due to the prevalence of multi-drug resistant organisms, vancomycin is empiric therapy for a lot of presumed infections. And it's a lot more difficult to actually tell if someone has an infection than you'd think. A lot of medical conditions imitate each other and when time is of the essence to identify what's going on, the most ethical thing is to start an antibiotic and rule out infection as the hospitalization continues. Lab techniques have gotten a lot quicker: I can remember 8 years ago, it would take 3 days just to identify what microbe the patient had in their presumed infection. These days, anno domini 2023, PCR comes back in a matter of hours, identifying gram positive/gram negative staph/strep/bacilli/etc, and it's the sensitivities that take 2-3 days. (Don't get me started on contaminated cultures.) But even with improvements in lab technique, we might not culture any microbe at all or the provider might keep vancomycin on "just in case" because we don't know IF the patient is infected, WHAT they're infected with, or if the infection will get better with a different drug.

And vancomycin is terrible on kidneys. Extremely nephrotoxic. It isn’t as bad as the 80s when the drug first came out and was called Mississippi Mud colloquially, but it will fuck the patient up if not monitored closely.

But finding the correct dose for each patient in a timely manner is nigh impossible. This is because vancomycin is renally eliminated. We have to mathematically estimate how well the kidneys are working. Unfortunately, our mathematic equation is next to useless if you are:

-Less than 50 kg

-Shorter than 5 foot tall

-Have a BMI of more than 40

-Are an adult younger than 45 (twenty-year-olds get astronomical doses that would be destructive in an older patient)

-Are older than 65 (the official definition of 'geriatric', i'm relatively sure)

-Are female (this is really only applicable if the patient is less than 50 kg or older than 65 - think: little old frail lady - we have absolutely no fucking idea how their kidneys are doing until we order the serum drug level. It is next to impossible to accurately dose vancomycin in little old ladies on the first try.)

-Are missing limbs (lots of leg amputations in the older and impoverished diabetic population!!)

-Have a lot of muscle mass (think bodybuilder or really tall guys)

Fun fact: we estimate renal function by looking at height, weight, age, birth gender (few, if any, studies on trans patients taking HRT), and a lab value called serum creatinine. Creatinine is a byproduct of muscle metabolism, I don't know the fine details, but we can generally estimate how well kidneys are working by seeing how much creatinine is in the blood: low creatinine usually means kidneys are excreting it as they 'should' be. High creatinine means there's something wrong, the kidneys aren't able to excrete it as efficiently as they 'should' be. But the effect of low muscle mass and high muscle mass haven't been studied enough to be able to adjust our mathematical equation to compensate for them. And with high BMI: we often overestimate their renal function because we don't know how to estimate their muscle mass vs their body fat.

(I work out in the boonies. ~70% of our patients have diabetes. ~80% of our patients have a BMI of greater than 35. So what I'm trying to say here is: we are shooting in the fucking dark when we're estimating the renal function of the vast majority of our patients.)

Complicating this: vancomycin is useless until it reaches steady-state concentration in therapeutic range. On one side of this problem: a lot, if not most, medical providers assume that vancomycin starts working its magic from the first dose. So we sometimes get orders for "vancomycin 1 gram now and see how the patient is doing in the morning". That isn't going to solve jack shit! That's just going to increase the incidence of microbial resistance!!

OR, like in the multiple situations I dealt with this afternoon, you make an educated guess on what regimen is going to work for the patient. You get a level 48 hours after the dose starts. And you find out that you fucking guessed wrong and the patient is subtherapeutic. It has been two fucking days and the patient hasn't started being treated for their (presumed) infection yet!! And we've increased the possibility of microbial resistance! *muffled screaming in frustration*

So what I'm trying to say here is: on almost every presumed infection that comes into the hospital (which we're guessing like 30%? 50%? of the time), we're starting an extremely toxic drug, oftentimes 100% guessing what regimen will be therapeutic, only finding out in 2 days that it is not therapeutic, and it can sometimes take days and days to titrate the dose sufficiently to find a therapeutic regimen. And sometimes we're really fucking unlucky and we destroy the patient's kidneys temporarily (or permanently! but kidneys can be very resilient so that's thankfully rare) because we guessed a regimen that's too high!! This is a fucking nightmare!!!!!!!!

And if all of this wasn't bad enough, we don't really have any drugs that do what vancomycin does therapeutically. We have things that can be used to cover some of what vancomycin does, but nothing that's equivalent AND less toxic.

Like, to fix this situation, we need:

-Better education to providers on what drugs are appropriate empiric therapy for different presumed infections (we're working on it, we are working on it)

-Better ways to estimate kidney function (there needs to be more research on kidney function in patients with BMI greater than 35!! And little old ladies!! And patients with low body weight and high body weight and amputations and...)

-Better prognostic tools to tell 1. when the patient is infected (looking at you, sepsis!!!) 2. what they're infected with

-Less-toxic antibiotics AND/OR better ways to treat infection (this would be the evolution of medicine as we know it)

And I want to be clear: vancomycin isn't bad. It's an extremely effective tool when used correctly but we often either don't have enough data to use it correctly or the provider doesn't understand that this tool is fucking useless for the job they're trying to perform.

[padawansuggest]

I saw a new GO for the first time today and was honest for the first time about how many pain killers I take and how it’s destroying my body (like thing ‘shitting blood every 3 days’ destroying cause that’s what it got to) but I couldn’t stop or even take less or I’d be in the ER and I was terrified to tell a doctor that because I once had a doctor tell me ‘take less pain killers’ and I said ‘and replace them with what? Because I can’t stop I’ll be in the er. The er that refuses to give pain meds.’ And they just said ‘doesn’t matter just take less and fix the root problem’ but the root problem is that I am allergic to everything ever and also have multiple chronic conditions that cause inflammation in my head and neck and that’s why I take the pain killers to reduce the inflammation and the only reason I was brave enough today to say how much I take is because SHE suggested steroids and a muscle relaxer first and I was so happy I couldn’t stop grinning. About. Steroids. And a 12 hour muscle relaxer. Like. I’m still flying on cloud nine and that’s over… 6 hours since I got the pills and I haven’t had any pain killers in about 8 and that’s. Impressive. For me. Because I been taking them every time I take a gabapentin lately. Which happens every 6 hours.

Anyways. I’m desperately hoping these pills get me to baseline because after 2 straight months (arguably 2.5 at least) of infections and inflammation I’m so fucking over this shit and my face hurty.

Also she got me a script to go see a PT at the hospital who worked with her own daughter for TMJ and I’m excited about that one too. When I don’t see SOMEONE for too long I start forgetting that normal for others is pain free or 1-3 on the scale and I’ve been living for most of my life at 5-6 and the past three months at 6-8 and that’s. So bad. And the doctors could and should help.

Anyways. My tooth spot is healing very well so far. And now I’m gonna get back to being functional and losing the 30lbs I have gained in the past 3 months being unable to function. I can do that cause my healthy limit is about 30lbs ago so I need to and want to, but like. Damn. For me, who typically never fluctuates in weight more than 5lbs up or down, that’s not great and really shows what my pain level has been lately.

I love you all, thanks for sticking with my through the fever brain. If you coincidentally liked this slightly less hinged version of me tho, I can stay cray cray if you need it, I just have no real filter when my head is inflamed.

[animesavior]

“This is the story of how I became the world’s greatest hero. Sure, but not just me. It’s the story of how we all became the greatest of heroes.”

-          Izuku “Deku” Midoriya, My Hero Academia (Season 6, Ep. 24)

This is the Toonami Trending Rundown for the month of April 2023. This month marked 11 years since Adult Swim gave us the “Night no 90’s Kids Slept,” reviving the block for a night as an April Fools stunt that ultimately revived the block less than two months later, which continues every Saturday to this day. Among the highlights from the month, Toonami ran the final five episodes of My Hero Academia season 6, while Food Wars continued with its fifth and final season.

In regard to trending for the entire month of April, #Toonami trended in the United States on Twitter alongside My Hero Academia (save for April 29-30, as the season finale aired the week before) and Food Wars. #Toonami also trended on Tumblr alongside My Hero Academia (also save for April 29.)

As the wait begins for My Hero Academia season 7, it should be noted that while Toonami does have a new show coming to replace it (though encore runs of MHA will air at the backend of the lineup in the meantime), the network is waiting for the greenlight from the show’s license holders in Japan to announce and begin airing said new show. So, for until at least May 13, the midnight hour will begin with the airing of this week’s Unicorn: Warriors Eternal and encore airings of Primal.

Regarding these delays, Jason DeMarco explained the issues in a Twitter thread:

“Here’s what’s unique about our block: all the anime. All licensed anime releases have to be approved by the rights holders in Japan. So, when we want to announce a new season of, say, My Hero… the licensor has to GET PERMISSION from the rights holder in Japan. So sometimes we have to wait. And wait. And wait. For someone in Japan at whatever company owns the rights to the show (frequently a giant manga publisher) to grant us permission. This is not a thing in any other sector of media. But it IS a big thing in Japanese business. Announcing w/o permission could get our licensors in trouble with their rights holders. They can’t afford that and neither can we. A function of the archaic way some elements of Japanese business culture work. That’s about 85% of most of our schedule delays. The rest are internal network/company things that are a fact of the way giant megacorps run. And this actually does happen to other networks, it’s just that Toonami is lucky enough to have a passionate fan base who CARES about schedule changes. Most other networks don’t! 👍🏼 Anyway, sorry for the delays in schedule announcements! But most of the time there’s basically nothing we can do about it, and trust me- it frustrates all of us far more than any viewer. But it is what it is. Our hands are pretty well tied here.”

Tune in tonight for the hour-long premiere of Genndy Tartakovsky’s Unicorn: Warriors Eternal, among other great moments. Until next time, congratulations to UConn and LSU for winning the men’s and women’s basketball national championships respectively, and stay gold as always.

Legend: The shows listed are ordered based on their appearance on the schedule. Show trends are listed in bold. The number next to the listed trend represents the highest it trended on the list (not counting the promoted trend), judging only by the images placed in the rundown. For the Twitter tweet counts, the listed number of tweets are also sorely based on the highest number shown based on the images on the rundown.

April 1-2, 2023 Trends

United States Trends:

#Toonami [#13]

#MyHeroAcademia [Trended with #Toonami]

#FoodWars [#13]

Tweet Counts:

#Toonami [6,057 tweets]

Tumblr Trends:

#Toonami [#7]

#My Hero Academia [#10]

April 8-9, 2023 Trends

United States Trends:

#Toonami [#9]

#MyHeroAcademia [Trended with #Toonami]

#FoodWars [Trended with #Toonami]

Tumblr Trends:

#Toonami [#4]

#My Hero Academia [#6]

April 15-16, 2023 Trends

United States Trends:

#Toonami [#7]

#MyHeroAcademia [Trended with #Toonami]

#FoodWars [#28]

Tumblr Trends:

#Toonami [#4]

#My Hero Academia [#10]

April 22-23, 2023 Trends

United States Trends:

#Toonami [#13]

#MyHeroAcademia [Trended with #Toonami and #FoodWars]

#FoodWars [#26]

Tweet Counts:

#Toonami [3,008 tweets]

#MyHeroAcademia [7,561 tweets]

Tumblr Trends:

#Toonami [#2]

#My Hero Academia [#3]

April 29-30, 2023 Trends

United States Trends:

#Toonami [#12]

#FoodWars [#13]

Tumblr Trends:

#Toonami [#1]

Everything is going to be okay. Only Toonami on [adult swim] on Cartoon Network.

[liminalpsych]

After two weeks of no adhd meds for the first time since I got on them in 2017, I finally wrangled a way with my pharmacy to get them filled (turns out they’re not backordered on the brand name, just the generic, which I hadn’t thought to check until a client mentioned success with this approach).

They still don’t have enough of my dose in stock so I’m not getting them until Monday, but I’m getting them soon instead of indefinite waiting, and now I have a route to take when the generic is backordered in the future so that I still get my meds on time.

(It’s a little more expensive, but still cheaper than the adhd taxes I’ve been paying with dopamine seeking behaviors for the past two weeks.)

The silver lining has been that I now have a very, very clear understanding of exactly how adhd stimulants help me, and how much they help. (I used to live like this. Only it was worse because I was on an SSRI instead of an NDRI as my antidepressant; my current antidepressant at least takes the edge off some of my adhd symptoms.)

(Did you know serotonin can inhibit dopamine production? That’s possibly why some ADHDers have paradoxical reactions to SSRIs. We don’t have enough dopamine to begin with and then it makes us produce even less? Terrible times.)

Anyway. Might make a separate post about adhd meds on Monday. But for now, here are the things I’ve noticed:

oh right I used to be tired all. the. time. 9 hrs of sleep + a nap = still tired all the time, pre medication. Properly medicated, I’m good on 7.5 hrs. Half medicated (no stimulants, but NDRI), I’ve been doing okay on 8 hours but still pretty fatigued. I have not been getting deep/delta sleep (which stimulants help with in ADHD, adhd brains tend to spend a lot of time in REM sleep and not enough in deep delta sleep, and stimulants increase deep sleep in many adhd cases for some reason). There’s been a couple nights of 0 hours of deep sleep despite 8 hours of sleep. It’s been great. Fabulous. /s (help i’m so so so tired)

Focus/motivation, obviously. Oh right, this is probably why I haven’t written much fiction since college. For the past several months I’ve just been able to choose to write, make myself write and it works. For the past two weeks that has been much, much harder and even impossible. I am able to make myself spend time with my WIP each day to maintain momentum (still using all my adhd coping skills) but writing prose has not really been happening.

Social anxiety. I knew stimulants helped with the rejection sensitivity, social anxiety, overthinking social situations, because I went off of them for 2 days in a row once and had a terrible RSD flare up. But two weeks off of them has been… not great. Also generally just feeling insecure, having self esteem issues flare up, anxiety in general, harder to self-soothe and talk myself through catastrophic thinking, etc etc. (and trust me, I have skills. So many skills. So many well practiced skills. I teach them to others and use them personally. I’m functioning, it’s just extra hard.)

Dopamine seeking. Siiiigh. Back to snacking on sugary things that make my digestive system angry at me, in a desperate subconscious bid for tiny insufficient hits of dopamine. That had mostly stopped.

Task switching has been extra hard, unsurprisingly. Also lots of zoning out.

My driving skill/safety. D: yeeeeah. there are a number of studies out there showing that unmedicated adhd (especially in younger drivers, it improves somewhat with age/experience) shows up as similar levels of impairment as being at/over the blood alcohol limit. I was horrified the first time I drove while medicated. “oh. Oh no. I have not been particularly safe to drive all these years.” Been extra cautious as a result, and haven’t driven the wrong way down one way streets or anything like that the past two weeks, thankfully. (Yes, that was a thing that happened pre-medication.)

In before anyone tries to suggest this is indicative of a dependency or is because I was on meds for a long time: no. This is how I lived 32 years of my life. Until the tiredness got so bad that I got desperate enough for a med change that might work a little better than just “not having intrusive suicidal thoughts,” which is all the SSRI managed to do for me. For the past six years of adhd medication, I haven’t been tired all the time, things haven’t been so mind-numbing hard, it’s been a complete game changer and opened up so much more capacity for living that I didn’t have before.

It sucks to have to go back to my old exhausting norm where I had to drag myself through tasks with sheer force of will and could barely get anything done. I am so relieved the end is in sight and I’ll be back to my modern norm on Monday.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

eye bags my detested,, so you have made ur return to me,,,,

[nachoscheesy]

Tumblr Revival

Tl;dr

Tumblr has a large interconnected community of artists and content creators, and should focus on its strengths and what it does right. Instead of trying to compete for space against Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Tumblr should focus on empowering its community and giving that community the tools to develop the site's unparalleled uniqueness.

Tumblr is the crossroads of the internet, with a monthly user traffic of 300 million it is the perfect space for artists, content creators, and small businesses to grow their following without having to fight for a seat at the table against companies with huge budgets.

Hi, I go by Nacho here on tumblr, and I'm sure as many of us on tumblr have noticed, the (hell)site is kinda going downhill. Tumblr was bought by Automattic in fall of 2019, and I am sure they have the best intentions to help tumblr stay afloat. However, I think it's time the community took a more deliberate approach to how tumblr is handled, and hopefully Automattic and @staff will hear us out. I think I have a solid solution to tumblrs money issues, that will help both the site and empower its online communities.

First and foremost, I am not involved with Tumblr or Automattic. I am just a simple blog trying to help out a place that I've been on since 2010, and I would hate to see it die here around 2023.

So, let's get to the root of the problem on tumblr right now. That being money, tumblr is currently costing more money that it produces, as we've seen with its 97% drop in value from 1.1 billion dollar sale to being sold at around 3 million dollars.

So the first thing that must be improved before anything else can be improved on tumblr is how much money they're bringing in a month. I don't think folks on tumblr hate monetization as much as we all collectively say we do, I think the issue is that most advertisers are completely disconnected from the groups they are trying to advertise to on here. Tumblr comprises roughly 65% millennials and 30% gen-z, the two generations that advertisers seem to have the hardest time advertising to for a myriad of reasons. The main one being that they don't fully understand what we want, and sometimes just don't listen to what we are saying.

Lets look at how tumblr makes its money, Tumblr has four main revenue sources,

Ads by sponsored posts

Display ads through video posts

Sponsored Day ads or banner ads

“Premium Themes”

I'll go into depth on all of these and how tumblr could make potential changes to improve their revenue anywhere from three to six months after it implements some or ideally all of these changes.

First tumblr ads and sponsored posts, these changes are going to be contingent on tumblr allowing its users to share, like, and comment on ads much like all other media sites currently allow. Or at least giving advertisers the ability to turn that on or off as a function.

The average tumblr post gets reblogged 14 times, that number increases significantly if the ad is engaging and actually caters to the communities wants and needs. My reasoning for giving users the ability to reblog ads is to increase user engagement while maintaining their current ad vetting process and all of the nonsensical ads that are run on tumblr 90% of the time.

The other reason for allowing tumblr users to share and comment on ads, or have it be an option for advertisers to turn on or off as they'd like, is that the appeal of tumblr is the ability to propagate and obsess over the most niche things (i.e OSHA.)

All the while allowing content that gets shared all over the internet bubble up to the top through the collective hand of the tumblr community. Along with this tumblr has no way for small users to share their own products or services, every single major site has a way for users to advertise their pages or products through the site.

Tumblr is a content machine that creates imagery and memes that get shared all the time across the internet, so the ability to share and curate its own ads is paramount to improving advertising and user engagement on tumblr.

My proposal here is for tumblr to expand its advertising capabilities to all users, while charging a flat rate fee to advertise on tumblr, with additional charges for popular tags or trending tags. Tumblr currently has no self service advertising system much like Facebook does for example. Where facebook charges a daily rate on cost-per-click(CPC) or cost-per-thousand(CPM)

Charging a flat rate fee at a rate of a day, week, month, or quarterly basis with variances in prices based on the lease term and what the advertisers would want to have their ads show up on certain tags. This would open up the doors for small businesses that don't want to advertise on places like facebook, twitter, or google with their complicated CPM and CPC models. Also bringing in more small locally owned businesses with the added value of less competition for ad space on tumblr.

This would also take some of the weight from tumblrs own advertising staff from having to explain a convoluted system to potential advertisers. Creating a simplified model with the the advent of tumblrs own infrastructure able to get a single post to a large variety of users. Where the current ad model uses a “shotgun” method to hit as many people as possible, the tumblr model could encourage advertisers to curate a more personalized and intimate experience that tumblr users would love.

Why not just advertise elsewhere? Tumblr still in fact gets over 300 million views a month as of June 2021 (Statosta), and the added benefit for users to be able to like, share, and interact with ads would allow ads that the community enjoys to be talked about more. Giving advertisers more honest feedback about their ads while increasing their SEO’s.

Also small businesses that can't compete with the vetting processes that are used on other sites, would have a better chance of developing their business and increasing their clientele on tumblr whose core demographics are approximately 60% millennial and 35% gen-z. This core demographic does in fact care about being able to shop at local stores, or even a store across the US that is trying to drum up its own online sales.

These ads could be placed inline on the tumblr dash while moving other sponsored ads to the right of the site on desktop, but making them alternate on mobile between user ads and sponsored ads.

Second, the display ads should be changed to allow tumblr users to share and further interact with ads to generate more user engagement, incentivizing more businesses and companies to build their brand status on tumblr. Tumblr has a good model for creating short diaries or daily vlogs for companies that wish to show off their products on social media. This includes smaller businesses and vlogers that want to post videos or tutorials of themselves on their blog.

Tumblr is a good site for user engagement with a pool of creative potential for anyone wanting to gauge the desire for a particular subject or piece of media, maybe even an upcoming show. Having the ability to share and comment on sponsored ads would also help advertisers by allowing them to get more bang for their buck with a considerable uptick on how users engage with that content.

Third, tumblrs sponsor day ads and banner ads are inexpensive and should be highlighted as a selling point over their competitors. Tumblr 24-hour banner ads are considerably more affordable for businesses when compared to places like twitter with their 200k price point. For the same amount of money on tumblr a business could have their company at the top of the dashboard or app for 8 whole days. Much longer and much better than the competition.

Keeping this price fixed, with a change in the price CPC is still a much more lucrative and attractive selling point than any of the competition on the internet today. I know this might not be exactly what tumblr wants to hear when it is hemorrhaging money right now, but let's look at the cost for these 24 hour daily ads and banner ads. If tumblr hypes up the price point on these ads they could see a significant rise in advertisers considering the lack of competition on tumblr and past success stories of companies who did advertise on tumblr.

At the same time larger advertisers should be encouraged to make engaging ads and blogs on tumblr that will make people want to actually go to their blogs, that then link to an external site or page. Not ads that instantly try to force you to go to some other site, by rewarding or offering special discounts for people who find a special code or something off of the actual blog. Or even for giving the same code to everyone who reblogs a certain post made by the advertiser.

Seems too good to be true? Look at “Asos” back in 2015 when they held a shirt design competition on their tumblr blog. Where they had 900 submissions, four of which were picked, and were sold out of the user generated shirts in 10 hours.

This is not the only case however, but FX ran their own campaign for the show “Man Seeking Woman” where they saw a 2.8% increase in user engagement, 86% increase in their tumblr followers, and they actually saved money through advertising on tumblr.

All this leads me to believe that tumblr actually was and continues to be the best place for brands, small businesses, and artists to develop themselves through genuine user engagement.

Finally, the “premium themes” that are available on tumblr that allow for unparalleled customizations that you hardly find elsewhere on the internet anymore. Tumblrs ability to take a variety of media sources, as well as having an unparalleled level of customization, user interconnectivity, and a vibrant artistic scene shows that it is ripe with potential.

Tumblr could still use its post+ feature, but in the same way that Discord uses its subscription service. For cosmetic changes that can be added modularly to the site or individual blogs for an additional monthly fee. In conjunction with partnering with community artists to bring small cosmetic additions to individual blogs, while paying the content creator and tumblr taking a small portion of the profits over a certain amount.

To be completely honest this is probably the hardest portion of this entire pitch to make changes to in a shorter period of time, considering all the testing and “under the hood” changes that must be made. However, I think that implementing this as well as the other changes I have proposed will bring back more foot traffic to tumblr as well as increase its revenue and profitability.

In closing, I am simply working with whatever information I was able to find online and a good amount of time invested on my part to do this. I think tumblr has a ton of potential still to return as a force for good for the communities that exist and want a change from what the internet has become. Time and time again when any company or public entity dies it was because it did not change and refused to adapt and innovate, oftentimes not at the hands of the people working everyday to keep the site running. Instead at the hands of people who dont see the value in what has fallen in their laps.

If you agree and think this is something that can be done, please reblog this post and follow me for more updates. If I don't hear back or this does not gain any traction by the end of the year, then tumblr can go to its inevitable end. I will be here sinking with the ship.

@support @engineering @music @wip @changes @photomatt

[blueskittlesart]

Okay okay big ask - rate every loz game you’ve played (by stars or in order I don’t mind)

ok lets go!! i rated them on both story and gameplay seperately bc those r 2 different ratings in my mind lol. they're in the order i played them except aoc at the end bc it's not main-line. i also left out games i haven't finished yet (nes zelda, zelda II, ALBW)

OOT: gameplay 9/10 | story 1000000/10 video game of all time. i mean this with 100% sincerity playing oot was fundamental for me. gameplay gets 1 point off tho bc i vividly remember crying because i couldn't make the camera go where i wanted it to the first time i ever played it

MM: gameplay 7/10 | story 10/10 i think this game is a perfectly cohesive sequel to oot in basically every way possible. the navi thing makes me insane obviously but i won't dock a point for it because i understand narratively why the choice was made and like. it works. the only complaint i have with this game is that the gameplay itself was super difficult for me both now and when i was younger--not the dungeons specifically, but the timer being there and counting down in real time was so anxiety-inducing for me that it distracted from the story. I do actually like the timer from like an objective standpoint and i think it was really well-implemented i just can't enjoy it fully because of my own hangups lol

BOTW: gameplay 10/10 | story 1000/10 perfect game. i don't feel the need to elaborate. i genuinely think in like 10 years this game is going to be the modern-day oot in terms of industry influence

ALTTP: gameplay 8/10 | story 8/10 okay this is my first less-than-perfect story score and i want to make it clear that i am obsessed with the story of alttp ok. obsessed. but i can recognize that a lot of what i find great about this game comes from my own analysis and is. not actually super present in the source material. and it is the 3rd loz game ever released and. well. it shows. that being said i think of all the 2d games to play you should play this one

LINK'S AWAKENING: gameplay 6/10 | story 0/10 sorry i. did not like this game lol. too much retro-style gameplay and not enough interesting story to make up for it. i also vehemently hate platformers so the sidescrolling dungeon segments made me want to kms. the story also does not actually happen like. within the game's own canon bc it's all a dream so i couldn't bring myself to care. i never even beat this game bc the final boss pissed me off too much

TP: gameplay 8/10 | story 0/10 fuck this game. the story sucked. it was poorly written and disjointed, a huge mess thematically, and 90% of the non-dungeon gameplay felt like needless padding. i've said it before and i'll say it again: twilight princess was an oot remake written by people who did not understand ocarina of time and got all their information on the loz franchise from youtube videos with clickbait thumbnails entitled "10 DARK SECRETS nintendo doesn't want you to know!!!" that being said the motion controls were still better than sksw and it had some of the better dungeon designs in the franchise. fuck that fishing minigame tho

SKSW: gameplay 4/10 | story 10/10 ok to preface this i played the original wii version which is why the gameplay rating is so low. i would rather die than play through this game on my shitty old wii again holy shit. that being said the story was phenomenal and i'm really glad it got a remake with a functional control scheme so hopefully more people will see that

WW: gameplay 6/10 | story 9/10 this is a hard one for me. again i need you to understand that i played the gameboy version and therefore had to do the gameboy triforce hunt which is why the gameplay score is so low, but there were also some quality-of-life things like the hitbox sizes and some of the dungeon design that pissed me off a bit. as for the story, there are pieces of it that i could analyze obsessively for hours on end but there are also pieces that are kind of clunky to me in regards to the overall lore so it gets a less-than-perfect score lol

(bonus because it isn't really a main-line loz game) HWAOC: gameplay 8/10 | story 6/10 sigh. i want to like this game way more than i do. the gameplay is genuinely fun at times if a bit underwhelming compared to the game it takes its setting and characters from, but it never claimed to be a mainline game so i don't fault it too much for that. the story could be SO GOOD and there are some pockets of greatness in there (the sword-claiming scene, the scene where zelda's powers activate, general extra characterization of the champions, etc) but they just had to throw in some timeline fuckery and the most boring hot-topic-wannabe villain in the fucking world and ruin it for themselves. agh

[rose2jam]

Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult, an essay by Rose Jam

So, let’s talk about Cults. Disclaimer: This is just information I’ve gathered over the years from my personal fascination with religious cults.  I’m in no way an expert or a psychologist or whatever.  This is just my personal understanding from the research I’ve done.

A cult is started when a wildly charismatic Leader feels like they have a purpose, a higher calling, or a mission to be fulfilled (or they could also just be an egomaniac). Maybe they really do feel like what makes them special comes directly from a higher power, be that God, or the Heir of Slytherin, but either way, this person has a pathological need to be worshiped, and they need followers in order to do that.  

So, how does one obtain Followers easily? By finding the misunderstood misfits of society, and promising them something.  The people who feel like no one else understands them, or their ideologies.  But this Leader?  This Leader GETS IT, MAN! The Leader understands them perfectly, vindicates them, and makes them promises along the way.  Like, if they stick with the Leader, then not only will they finally be understood, but they themselves will also be revered.  That they will rise above all of the others who have put them down for so long, and will come out on top as a superior being.  

Any of this sounding familiar?

Charles Manson preyed on young people in the middle of the hippie movement, mostly women, who were feeling lost, lonely, and in need of guidance, or in terms of the men he recruited, seeking power over others.  Not all of these people were poor or helpless; some of them came from middle class, or even rich homes and families.  Yes, some of them came from broken homes, but all of them felt “broken” themselves, in some way. So Manson used their desires to have a family to draw them in.  He then used LSD and other drugs to keep them under his control, and he created a manipulative environment where the members of his “family” felt they could never leave him, and if they didn’t follow his commands, something horrible would happen to them.  I’m not going to go into full detail on the Manson Family Murders, but if you’re personally interested, check out the Podcast “Cults” on Spotify.

So back to basics, this Leader draws in Followers with flowery promises of community, power, family, or whatever.  But once the Leader has that following, the terror will begin.  Cult Leaders are usually master manipulators, and have completely brainwashed their followers into believing the “us vs them” mentality, that the outside world is evil, that the outside world will only harm them, that the outside world would never understand what they’re doing on the inside.  And that the Leader is the only one who knows the truth, so they better stick with him.  Or maybe the Leader has gaslit his followers so completely, that they become dependent on him for everything, to the point where they don’t know how they would possibly function without the Leader.  Or, the Leader has created an environment that’s so hostile, that Followers are too afraid of what might happen to them if they tried to leave, or didn’t do what the Leader commanded.  Typically, it’s a combination of all of the above.  Destructive cults will either hurt others outside of their circle (The Manson Family, Sect of Nacozari), harm themselves (Heaven’s Gate, The Ant Hill Kids), or both (The People’s Temple, Aum Sinrikyo).  

Now that I’ve laid this foundation, I’m going to tell you why it was practically inevitable that Severus Snape would join a cult.

Snape’s childhood ultimately laid the foundation for the mental state he would be in when he decided to join the Death Eaters.  He grew up in an abusive household, where his father, the muggle, had his magical wife so thoroughly whipped, that she couldn’t (or chose not to) use magic to defend herself, or her son (1).  Eileen had obviously told Severus about magic, about Hogwarts, about what a wonderful place it was, and what a wonderful gift magic could be.  Severus also watched as Tobias beat the magic out of her.  (I know it’s debated whether Tobias actually physically abused his family, but he certainly verbally/mentally/emotionally abused them, so the term “beat” could be used figuratively as well).  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that Severus developed an extreme hatred of muggles with “burn the witch” mentalities from a very young age because of this.

Enter Lily, perhaps the only other magical person in his life besides his mother up to this point. He sees her using magic out in the open, perhaps recklessly, for fun, and he sees an opportunity to make a friend (and, admittedly, to be smarter than someone about something for a while). He was so eager to tell her all about magic, because getting to learn magic, and go to Hogwarts, has possibly been the only thing keeping him going in his young life.  And now he’s made a friend, a real friend who doesn’t think he’s weird because he’s magical.  Unlike Petunia, yet another muggle who makes fun of him for being weird (2). And Lily actually seems to like him back.  For a kid who probably hasn’t received a lot of affection in his life, this is monumental.  This friendship is everything.  Why wouldn’t he love her?

So the time finally comes to go to Hogwarts.  Severus gets to escape his abusive household, and finally has an opportunity to embrace magic for the first time in his life.  But almost immediately, he’s met with a hic-up.  Specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black.  So Severus is no longer facing abuse exclusively from muggles who think he’s weird, but now he’s also getting it from other magical people who think he’s weird (3).  And this started on the fucking TRAIN before he even GOT to Hogwarts. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t sour a kids dream right off the fucking bat.  And then, when he finally gets there, he’s separated from his only friend, by being sorted into different houses (4).  What a way for a life-long dream to be thoroughly dashed in less than 24 hours.

Let’s look at Snape’s Hogwarts experience.  He’s a good student, and he pours himself into learning as much magic as possible, and at being the best he can possibly be, probably motivated by a desire to be better than what his Father thinks possible.  During this time, he is regularly bullied and abused by the Marauders. Sometime before his 5th year, the Incident at the Shrieking Shack took place.  It definitely sucks to have been so thoroughly fucking duped, and put into a life-threatening situation involving a goddamn werewolf (5).  But perhaps even worse than that, the salt in the wound, was that no one fucking did anything about it (6).  He saw Sirius and James and Remus get out of that situation without facing any sort of proper punishment (as in, they all still stayed at the school as opposed to being expelled like they DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN (At least Sirius should have been)). Dumbledore was looking out for the Marauders, but no one was looking out for Severus.  On top of that, Severus isn’t allowed to TELL anyone about it, not even Lily.  So, he goes through what was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he can’t even tell anyone that it happened.

So, what sort of support system does Severus have during all this?  He has Lily, sure (who literally told him he should be GRATEFUL to James, one of his abusers).  But, what he really has, is Slytherin House (7). I’ll say it plainly: Severus was sorted into a house that was already full of existing cult members.  McGonagall says in Sorcerer’s Stone that “Your house will be like your family” (she at least says it in the movies, I’m too lazy to get up and reference my books rn lol).  So, Severus’ family, his support system, for 10 months out of every year, is a house that is already full to the brim with pureblood elitists with prejudiced ideals, who would absolutely vindicate Severus in his dislike for muggles.  As a kid first getting sorted into the house, it’s obviously not unreasonable to become friends with the people you’re literally living with.  His dorm mates became his family.  So, when his dorm mates started to become Death Eaters… This is headcanon, I fully admit, but like, fuck, Severus didn’t have a lot of friends, and was probably already drifting apart from Lily.  Do you really think he was going to tell the people he had to live with every single day, not to mention the only people that had been supporting him for years, to go fuck themselves for using Dark Magic?  Especially when he was probably feeling like he was on the verge of thinking that their rhetoric made some sense?

On to Snape’s Worst Memory (8).  At this point, he’s spent 5 years in Slytherin House, with fellow students who casually throw around the M word.  He gets attacked by James and Sirius, he’s practically defenseless, and then the girl who he’d considered his closest friend for so long… has to force herself not to smile when he’s thrown upside down and exposed to everyone on the grounds.  Sure, she was trying to defend him at first, but she also fucking nearly smiled at his humiliation, his pain, his abuse.  So he hurls the one word that he knows is going to cut the deepest, that will hopefully hurt her as badly as she has hurt him. And it works.

Severus had been beaten down his entire life.  By Muggles and Magic Folk alike.  And finally, he’s betrayed by Lily, his last lifeline to the light.  He betrayed her as well, of course.  But he did try to show remorse.  And she doesn’t forgive him (9), which was her prerogative, of course.  

So.  Who does he have left?

I’ve placed little (numbers) throughout my writing here.  Each of those numbers denote the specific events that led Severus to becoming an angry young man, who hates muggles, hates (some) magic folk, and resulted in him feeling weak, helpless, and desperate.  For what?  For power, for a family, for a community.  For a world where he is no longer the weird one.  For a world where he’s respected, strong.  For the world he thought he was going to be a part of, when he arrived at Hogwarts in his first year.

And it just so happens that this is the exact world that Voldemort is (allegedly) trying to create.

Severus Snape was angry, and vulnerable, and as such, he was practically the poster child for the type of person who would be susceptible to falling for a cult.  Maybe he was recruited by his friends in Slytherin House.  Maybe he was recruited directly.  Either way, charismatic Tom Riddle came along, understood how he felt, where he was coming from, told him he deserved better, and offered him all of the things he never had in his life.  And being at rock bottom, being the lowest of the low, to Severus it must have seemed like a miracle of an opportunity, or perhaps, like the only chance he had left.

Now, let me be extremely clear; everything I’ve written is not trying to EXCUSE Severus Snape for his actions.  There is always a point where personal responsibility must come into play.  Except for children born into cults or victims of kidnapping, nearly every person who has ever joined a cult has made the personal decision to join it. I’m just trying to express how unbelievably easy it is, for a Cult Leader to find people with damaged lives and low self-worth, to suck them in with promises of a fulfilling life and grandeur, and for those people to be easily swept up and brainwashed into believing that what they are doing is right.  (Or that what they are doing is required, because the alternative is more horrifying.)  

The type of people who joined the Death Eaters are the same type of people who joined Heaven’s Gate, or The People’s Temple, or yes, The Manson Family.  Now, I’m just going to say, from my own personal point of view, I do not vilify anyone who’s ever joined a destructive cult.  On the contrary, I feel sorry for them.  Because most people who join a cult, don’t necessarily do it signing up for the… end result of what happened to them.  Some of them totally do, like Heaven’s Gate. Most of them knew that the end result was going to be the “evacuation of their earthly vessel”.  But the people who joined the Manson Family, for instance, did not initially join it KNOWING how it was going to end.  They were part of the family long before Manson even came up with Helter Skelter, and by the time the Tate-LaBianca Murders took place, they were already too far gone to go against it.

I highly recommend anyone who’s interested in a humanizing view of former cult members, to read the essay “Leslie Van Houten: A Friendship” by John Waters. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/leslie-van-houten-a-frien_b_246953

Or, at the very least, listen to this 7 minute NPR interview with John Waters about the essay https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111585116

It’s the story of how notorious film maker John Waters, became friends with former Manson Girl, Leslie Van Houten, and about how she broke away from the cult after her conviction, how she’s spent the last 51 years of her life recovering from the psychotic influence of a maniac who’d promised her the world, and how even though she was convicted to life WITH a possibility of parole, it’s never been granted to her, despite the fact that she has done literally everything possible to try and atone for her crimes.

Maybe I’m just a bleeding heart.  I’m pretty much the only person I know who feels sorry for Leslie Van Houten and other cult members who were brainwashed, abused, and manipulated into doing a lot of the horrible things they’ve done.  But there are people in the world, who have committed FAR more heinous crimes than the Manson Family murders, and who are far less repentant than Leslie, but because those crimes weren’t as notorious, they get to walk free.

Addendum: When I first posted this, I had a few people point out to me that they had always associated Voldemort and the Death Eaters with Hitler and Nazi Germany.  This is a perfectly fair point, but one that I personally don’t jive with, and the reason is simply the numbers.   There were literally millions of people in the Nazi party during WW2.   Death Eaters don’t even reach triple digits, as far as I’m aware.  As I hinted at in this essay, I consider Voldemort and the Death Eaters to be MUCH closer to Charles Manson and the Manson Family.  The Manson Family 100% had Nazi ideology, of course. "Helter Skelter” was Charles Manson’s prediction that there was going to be a massive race war; one that the Whites were going to lose, and that he and his Pure White family would emerge from it in order to rule over the remaining Blacks.  Kinda... sounds like a Death Eater thing, huh?

Sorry.  Back to Snape.  There is a lot we don’t know about Severus’ actual time as a Death Eater. I think it can be reasonably assumed he’s never actually killed anyone before Dumbledore (In Prince’s Tale, Severus questions if his soul would be safe from killing Dumbledore, and Dumbledore implies that his soul would not be damaged by helping an old man avoid pain and humiliation.  This leads me to believe that Severus never committed any soul-damaging murders before this).  Beyond being a sneaky spy and delivering the prophecy to Voldemort, his time as a Death Eater is all up for conjecture.  

Severus does make one important deviation from the typical cult member mold, however.  In the end, he manages to break away from the cult.  The scales fall from his eyes.  In a figurative sense, the LSD has worn off.  What made him sober up, was the threat to his last lifeline to the light. The one good fucking thing he’d ever had in his miserable life.  He was brought back by genuine love.  Ya know, the ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THE HP SERIES. And not only did he leave the cult, but he then spent the rest of his life actively attempting to destroy it, and atone for the mistakes he’s made, in an effort to bring back the world he’d been excited for, as an 11-year-old kid, so full of hope.

[kissesandcream]

a smol sibling.,

w/ xiao, kaeya, & venti

— • request from anon : being the trio’s younger sibling! (separately)

xiao p1 || kaeya p1 || gn ! sibling ! reader || headcanon format || 1.5k words

; masterlist.,

; a / n - i’ve done xiao and kaeya before, but i had some more ideas so i’m making some more! links above if you’d like to read the others <3

xiao .,

• the other hcs i made for him where general, but here anon specified a younger sibling, so i’ll do that!

• he’s that sibling who’ll pretend ur the most annoying thing on the planet but would do anything for u so much as you ask

• “xiao when u come back could i have some glaze lilies” “get them yourself im the vigilant yaksha not a flower picker🙄” mhm then why did u literally wipe out qingce village’s flower population hm xiao 🤨

• teaches u how to fight!! but he’s not teaching he’s “helping you discover things yourself so you can be a functional person”

• it takes way too much effort to get this man to admit he loves you but you know it as much as he does so it’s okay <3

• cloud retainer has so much dirt on him it’s crazy. if you ever need some blackmail material head over to hers. also you can find some embarassing pictures she’s got a heckton

• verr goldet takes care of u a lot too, xiao’s a great brother and all but he lacks in this department called self care

• idk if you’re mortal or adeptus or half adeptus but if you need to eat and do basic body functions he does not got u covered

• mans would try to raise u on almond tofu until verr goldet bought out a food pyramid and explained about these things called nutrients 

• he also doesn’t understand how important sleep is so,,, “xiao i’m gonna stay up” “yeah sure whatever” passing out two days later “y/N WHAT’S WRONG-”

• yeah verr goldet and the innkeeper guy give him a guide to basic survival talk and all through it he’s glaring at you like why did you never tell me you needed human things to live >:( 

• now that he knows you need sleep, he makes u sleep at 8 pm every night like a grandpa!! good luck trying to get him to stop!!

• are these getting too guardian-like and less sibling-like??? 😭 but that’s the vibes he gives yk!! ur over protective adeptus parent-brother who has no clue how u work but wants to try to understand a little

• in the game u can tell how much more open he gets wit the traveller as friendship levels progress, and if you’ve maxed it out he’d basically do anything for you and would want you to trouble him than yourself

• and he’ll probably be closer with you than he’ll ever be with traveller since you’re siblings and whatnot, so it would make sense that he looks out for you more than your typical older brother yk

• plays the flute for you!! if he hears u humming a tune under your breath he’ll find it and learn it to play for u 

• he may not fully understand how relationships work but he’s trying his best for u <3

 kaeya .,

• my other kaeya hcs were in relation to you being close / living with diluc, but these will be more general and central towards kaeya!

• kaeya fits literally every older brother trope that exists. the brother who’s always got ur back? you got it. the brother who keeps secrets you don’t know about from you? heck yeah. the annoying brother who makes u do his chores for him? maybe a little too much.

• pls he (lovingly) shoves all of his small tasks onto u it’s infuriating but you can’t even say no bc then he gets all dramatic 

• “y/n 😩 you’re abandonning your dear brother like this 😩 how could you 😩 i didn’t know you were so cruel 😩” sir shut up <3

• since he’s a people person everyone knows u very well too, heck all the senior citizens probably voted u as second best in law after him or smth idk man 

• hanging out with best boy bennett!! he canonically sees kaeya as an older brother too so y’all def go on little adventures together <3

• ur one of the only people who have ever looked under his eyepatch, diluc and crepus being the only other two

• sometimes he forgets to take it off when he goes to bed and it leaves a bruise bc it’s pretty tight, so he let’s you change it for him 

• “i can do this myself, you know” well he can but you both know he likes it better when you’re there

• does not allow your closet to be anything less than exquisite, you’ve got a bunch of scarfs like his whether you like it for not

• makes u buy his wine from diluc for him bc every time he goes to the tavern diluc raises the price tenfold just for him

• he’s that sibling who will rile you up on purpose just for the fun of it. i have a cousin who used to do that when he was younger and it was annoying but he still adores me sm so i don’t mind <3

• besides even if he does get on ur nerves amber’s got ur back- you can rant to her about him for hours on end and she’ll add with her experiences with kaeya’s bullying

• what are siblings if not for sibling rivalry, yes he picks on u constantly but he also picks u up when you’re feeling low <3

venti .,

• oh my gods he would be sO FUN

• the two of you are the bane of diluc’s existence, venti loops u into his winery pilfering plans a lot 

• venti pulls the archon card if the two of you get caught by him idk what excuse you’ve got but it better be good 😭

• no way the god of wind and song’s sibling doesn’t love music- even if you’re tone deaf, or hard of hearing, music is about the pleasure it brings and he’ll bring it to you

• you guys go wind gliding a lot of the time too!! y’all don’t even need gliders you’ve got the power of anemo 😎

• he’s that cool brother who’s only rule is that you do whatever you want to do, life is too short for regrets so live in the moment and be spontaneous!

• even though he’s older he seems much younger than you at heart 😭 will wine if you don’t do something for him it’s hilarious

• you’ve got other things to do and he’s just “but hanging out!!!” and ur like “but work!!!” 

• it’s very hard to be productive with him around, he will distract u with something as mundane as an apple- it’s not his fault tho bb just has a poor attention span 😭 

• he’s very clingy, if you’re together he’ll link your elbows like everyone did in sixth grade, and in turn u can kick him in the kneecaps when he does stupid things

• he’s the ceo of stupid things so u get to kick him a lot, it’s a mutal symbiotic relationship we love to see it <33

• my brain is dead and i can’t english rn but. his vibes yk he’s so fun to be around, he gives out surprisingly killer advice too

• i have this man’s teapot lines plastered on my wall bc they help me deal with stuff, so if you’re ever down you can always, always, always go to him and he’ll have the exact things to say

• if it’s words, he has them, if it’s silence you need he’ll lend you his shoulder; but there was never an instance he doesn’t leave you better than before

• you haven’t seen his archon side a lot, since he doesn’t show it all that much, but it’s so far from venti it’s a little scary; but in a sort of admiring way yk

• you guys visit zhongli sometimes, and it’s a free real estate for blackmail material bc of how terrified venti is of him

• zhongli is like that long lost uncle who visits once a year, and you’re his favorite child so he gives you candy and picks on venti for not taking good enough care of you

• “i’m their sibling not their parent” “you’re older have some responsibility >:(”

• if you ever get drunk he will hear about it and will come all the way from liyue to i will have order venti’s head, regardless of whether he was the cause of you being drunk or not

• that about wraps it up! im sure i could think of more but my brain is sorta dead rn so this will have to suffice 😭 i can’t think of a closing statement sO i hope u enjoyed!! bye bye!! <3

[simsadventures]

Gilded: Chapter 3: Power Over Me

Mobster!Steve x Reader

Summary: What more can you do than have a rad bachelorette party and then move to a house full of mobsters. It all sounds fun, right? Well, not according to your experience. 

Warnings: mobster AU, drinking, swearing, surveillance, angst, smidge of fluff, violence, mention of bruises, fear 

Word Count: 5737

A/N: A little late, I know I know, but I wanted to make sure the chapter was exactly how I wanted it. I keep thinking I will get to the wedding, and then some situations occur and I know I have to concentrate on them a little more. Than being said, I think we will finally see the wedding next! What do you think of this part? Did you like it? Is the reader a little less annoying? Let me know xx

Series Masterlist __ Masterlist 

< Previous Chapter 

The scene was supposed to be joyous, but, for some reason, the majority of what you felt was filled with sadness. Not for any particular reason, it was just the weigh of your decision finally settling in your heart and the realization hitting you that you would indeed be getting married in a week to a total stranger, who was a mobster, none less. 

You chose it, you had to remind yourself as tears fought their way in your eyes. It was just momentary sadness overpowering you, the feeling that your wedding wouldn’t be filled with people loving and caring for you, that the day would be more about showing off Steve’s power over the world than showing his love for his new bride, for whom he had none. And you would be there almost alone: no parents, no extended family, and a very few close friends. Whom you loved dearly, of course, and without whom you wouldn’t even be considering taking such a step. You needed them there, and not just the two lovable idiots you lived with. 

It was also people you’ve come to love during your university years as well as some coworkers, like Christy and Anja. Together it made around 15 people, which was actually a lot more than you had anticipated, but still. It would have to be Aidan walking you down the aisle, and just the mere thought made a choked sob escape your lips. 

The sound brought the attention of the room to you, and before you knew it, you were enveloped in a bone-crushing hug from all the people there, everyone telling you that you should be happy, that this was a good thing. Of course, nobody except Caroline and Aidan knew the reality behind the wedding. All they thought was happening was that you fell madly in love with Steve Rogers, and now you two were tying the knot. You even overhead Aisha say that you were definitely pregnant, otherwise, you wouldn’t have rushed into it like this. You tried to assure everyone that there was no pregnancy at all, but, of course, people believed what they wanted, and you lacked the energy to go around the room and speak to them individually, denying what they formed in their heads. 

It was Friday night, and you were in your apartment, surrounded by all those people who would come to your wedding. You sent a list of names to Steve that afternoon, and, after what you assumed was a background check on all of them, he agreed that yes, these 15 people could actually come. And when he did, you called an emergency meeting at your apartment, using it both as a way of inviting them to the wedding and as a kind of bachelorette party, where all you wanted to do was to drink heavily, eat a disgusting amount of carbs and pass out around dusk. Safe to say, all of your friends had been in, and by the time it was 11 PM, you were all tipsy, and people started to dance. Some (ehm, ehm, Caroline) even on a table, which was hilarious to the rest of you. 

The sadness came and went all evening, but you were determined not to let it ruin your night. So, every time you felt like it was creeping up on you again, you just told somebody and let them hug you until you were feeling better. 

Then, somebody came up with the idea to play Never Have I Ever, and since the tequila still burned in your veins, you agreed immediately. And so the game started. You were roaring like a pride of lions, each answer louder than the previous ones, but the most fun arose from telling each other funny stories. 

“Ok, so this one time I was blowing off my boyfriend, right? And you know how much I hate the taste of sperm, and he knows it as well, but this one time he really insisted on my swallowing, and so when he finally came, I squeaked and pointed somewhere behind him so that I could spit the cum to glass under the table, and when he turned around I showed him my mouth, void of any liquid, and he looked super proud,” your friend Naila laughed as she told the story to the question: never have I ever swallowed cum. 

The night was flowing smoothly, and soon, you saw that it was getting somehow lighter outside. And, sure enough, when you looked out of the window, you saw that the sunrise was coming in mere minutes. 

“Guys, guys! The sunrise is here. Let’s go to the roof to enjoy it,” you yelled even though half of the people were already fast asleep. The few of you who were still barely alive, which was around 5 of you, staggered towards the door and crawled up the stairs to the highest levels, and when you opened the last door, you had New York underneath you. 

You were wasted and exhausted, but the sight poured new life into you as you watched the early orange rays shine on one building at a time, waking up the city that never slept. It was magical, and it took your breath away. You felt your worries melting away as you saw a new day coming, and you thought it was a new day with many possibilities and hopes for you. You had nothing to lose, and Steve proved to you that he would, indeed, take care of you if need be. All would be if you just played your part and learned enough about Steve to be able to escape his wrath. 

The exhaustion then hit your body just as the ray hit your face, and you waved at the drunk group watching the sunrise, each of them in their own realm of thoughts, and soon enough, you sauntered back to your room, where you fell asleep just like the rest of the bachelorette party. 

A piercing tone woke you up with a start, and, for a second, you didn’t even know where you were, what time it was, or even what fucking century it was. The throbbing in your head prevented your brain from functioning properly, and so you rummaged through the pile of clothes next to your bed, fishing for what was obviously your phone. Gosh, how you hated the ringtone, and you reminded yourself to just mute your phone altogether because then nothing like this could happen again. 

You picked up without so much as looking at the screen and just sneered a harsh what into the speaker. 

“Well, good morning to you too, honey,” you heard Steve’s smug voice and rolled your eyes so hard the pain in your head increased. “Is this the way to greet your future husband? I don’t fucking think so,” he continued, and a considerable part of you contemplated just hanging up on him and his annoyingly sexy voice. 

“Steve, I have no fucking idea what time it is, but it’s definitely not time for you to call me and want me to be nice. Give me a few good hours of sleep, and then we can talk, ok?” You hoped this would do it, but from the silence on the other side, you assumed he wouldn’t let be just yet. 

“What happened? Did your bachelorette party get a little out of hand, and you went to sleep only after sunrise?” 

You gasped, shocked how he knew any of it, and for the first time, the fog in front of your brain lifted a little bit. You checked the time, and seeing it was only 9 AM, you assumed that asshole woke you up on purpose if he knew so much about your nightly activities. 

“How the fuck-“

“Language!” He yelled suddenly, and you flinched at the intensity of his voice. “I know everything, and I told you I would have somebody keeping an eye on you at all times. You’re only lucky the guy sleeping next to you is gay, you’d be in so much trouble otherwise, honey,” Steve spat, and the only sound you could muster was a long huff, as you regretted ever being born. 

“What do you want, Steve? If you know so much, you must know that I’m beat and all I wanna do is sleep, with a guy in my bed or without him. So, if you have something to tell me, please do, otherwise, have a good day, and I’ll catch up with you later.”

“We’re gonna have so much fun together, you and I, Y/N. I’m calling because I wanted to let you know that your room is prepared and ready for you and that your bodyguard will pick you up at exactly 8 PM, so don’t be late. Clint will also help you carry all things you need. I’ll send you his number so that you can be in touch with him. Oh, and honey? Take some aspirin and go to sleep, you sound like you need it,” even through the phone, you could hear him smirk as he hung up and let you on your own once again. Thank God.

“Who was it?” Aidan asked sleepily from the other side of the bed, and you just grumbled some response, not really sure if he understood what you meant, but when he hummed and patted your outstretched hand, you took it as yes, I understand you mean your future husband Steve Rogers, nice talk. 

The phone signalled you received a text, and when you looked at it, it was your bodyguard’s phone number and a directive, telling you to go to sleep already, because the dark circles under your eyes didn’t suit you. 

Oh, how you wanted to kill this man already. He got on your nerves more easily than anybody ever before, and for a brief moment, you wondered why he affected you so. You didn’t even know him, and you shouldn’t let him tossing you back and forth, but here you were, pissed because you could just imagine how proud he was of himself that he woke you up and told you what to do so many times in such a short call. 

Sighing, you got up from the bed and went to check the window to see if you could spot the nosy bodyguard ratting on you to Steve. You needed to have a word with him because he just couldn’t go running to Steve every time you blinked. 

Looking around the street, you tried to spot a strange vehicle, one that didn’t fit into the street you grew to know so well. And, sure enough, there was a large SUV, much like the one you had driven with Steve before, and you noticed that the windows were tilted. Since your apartment was on the first floor, anybody from the street had a great view right into your flat, and because you passed out totally exhausted, you didn’t have the time, nor did you remember to shut your blinds. 

You huffed and shut them now, cursing Steve and his nosiness because he wasn’t making your life any easier, and you weren’t even married yet. The year in front of you would be annoying and difficult, but maybe it would make you feel alive again. 

Shaking your head, you didn’t let the memories flood your brain as you strode back to your back, plopped on it belly-first and fell straight asleep.

“Are you sure it’s everything?” Aidan looked around your now half-empty room, except for the furniture that you knew you wouldn’t need. Steve promised to give you a furnished room, and you took his word for it, so you just took the essentials, like your clothes and sentimental stuff. Marie Condo would have been proud because you still managed to get rid of a few things that didn’t spark joy!

“Yeah, and even if I left something here, I could still come, you know? It’s not like I’m never seeing you or this place again. I’ll still be like a 30-minute ride away,” you smiled soothingly at him, but he just shook his head, obviously fighting all the emotions swirling in his heart. 

“Alright, alright. No crying. I’ll call you guys when I’m all settled, and Steve actually lets me be by myself, and I’ll show you the room, ok?”

Both Aiden and Caroline nodded speechlessly and then pulled you in a group hug. 

“You sure you wanna do it? We can still make it seem like we kidnapped you and take you somewhere to Mexico, or Argentina, or wherever he wouldn’t find you,” Caroline whispered, and you laughed through the tears fighting their way out of your eyes. 

“I’ll be fine, you’ll see. We will all have so much fun, and before we know it, the year is over, and I’m back here with you guys, having lived a little,” you smirked, and they nodded reassuringly, not really sure if it really was the best way to live a life, but they didn’t want to push you again. Your heart was set, and they both knew there was nothing they could do now. Except, of course, really kidnapping you. 

“Miss Y/L/N, we should go. The boss said we should be there at 9 PM at the latest, and I would prefer if we could be a little early,” Clint said professionally, but you could see that he was afraid of what would Steve do had you arrived late. You didn’t want to start this weird-ass journey by pissing your future husband or making him hurt his employees (you didn’t know whether he would actually do that, but just to be on the safe side, since he did cut off a guy’s finger a mere few days ago). 

You nodded and stepped from your best friends, looking at them and smiling brightly. You didn’t want any teary goodbyes, so you just showed them thumbs up and followed Clint out of the door. You knew there would be some tears when you left but didn’t think they would come as early as on the first step from your apartment. 

Fortunately, there weren’t that many steps to go before you were out of the building and rushed into the SUV by Clint. It was dark already, but you didn’t want him to see you cry, so you swiftly pulled out your sunglasses and put them on, not saying a word to Clint as he started the car and pulled it into New York’s night traffic. The lights around you were almost blinding, and for a moment, you were glad you had the glasses on, but then another wave of regret and sadness hit you, and you had a hard time keeping in the sobs. Scratching your arms, you stared out of the window and took a few calming breaths, telling yourself to get a grip because you were about to enter the lion’s den, and you couldn’t show them any emotions. 

You knew Clint knew what was going on, but he was gentleman enough not to comment on it. Still, you needed to make sure he understood this little episode was just between the two of you. 

“Can I ask you something, Clint?” You said suddenly and saw his eyes flickering between the road and the mirror, meeting your eyes for a moment. 

“Of course, Miss Y/L/N. However, I should warn you, I am not allowed to give you certain information,” he said formally, and you nodded knowingly. 

“Yeah, right. If I asked you to keep a little secret from your boss, would you keep it?” You asked and nibbled on your lower lip anxiously. 

He seemed to have thought for a second before he nodded his head in a manner telling you that there were things Steve didn’t need to know. His eyes met yours again before he spoke up. 

“I’m now your bodyguard, and if I think the information kept from the boss is in your best interest, then I won’t tell him anything. For example, you smiled all the way to the apartment, no tears and no sunglasses. Though, I think you should powder your nose and dry your face,” he smirked, and you laughed a little, nodding gratefully and doing exactly as he said. 

The car stopped exactly as you put all the supplies back into your purse, and you had a feeling Clint took a longer route to Steve’s house just to give your face the time to dry up and calm down. Checking the time, you saw it was 10 minutes before 9 and saw the relief on Clint’s face when he realized the same thing. 

“Alright, I will take you to the boss and then will get the boys to help with your things. We won’t go through anything, but if you need our help when you’re unpacking, all you have to do is text me,” Clint said, walking you to the door. 

The man you met on your first night there was standing as a sculpture at the exact same spot, and you wondered if he ever moved from that hallway. He did move towards you, gesturing to your purse, but Clint’s hand stopped him mid-motion. 

“She’s clean. I’ve been with her the whole time,” he said sternly and with authority, and when he saw the first man taking a breath to protest, Clint just gave him a chilling frown, and the man stepped down, hung his head in defeat and let you through. 

“It’s not a problem, Clint; I could have shown him the purse, you know?” You almost whispered as you walked through the empty rooms and hallways with Clint by your side. 

“They need to learn to respect you, Miss. You are, after all, marrying the boss very soon, and they need to understand that you are not a threat,” he gave you a curt nod, and you blushed a little. You didn’t know what it was, but the way Clint spoke to you with so much trust and respect already made you feel much better. You knew it would be an issue, so having somebody on your side was a huge relief already. 

“Thank you, Clint, I really-“ 

“Well, happy you two are best buddies already! Are you gonna braid each other’s hair and do each other’s nails soon too?” A voice snapped you back to reality, a voice you already knew too well. Steve was leaning against a door, his face stoic despite the mocking tone of his voice. Clint obviously tensed next to you, mumbled some apology and scurried out of the room, leaving you with Steve. 

You just looked at him and crossed your arms on your chest. 

“Do you need to be like this?” You asked incredulously, not really understanding why he had to be such an ass when all you did was having some sort of conversation with one of his loyal men. 

“Like what, honey? You seem to forget who I am and what I can do to you and your fucking life,” he sneered when he finally pulled away from the door and marched right in front of you. 

Your arms fell from your chest as you stared at him, trying to figure him out. Which, considering he was a prolific mobster, wasn’t the easiest task at hand. But you tried nevertheless and poked to see where was all this coming from. He obviously needed to be in control of every situation, always the centre of attention, and, you realized, it was probably this that pissed him off. You walked in, not really paying attention to him standing by the door but carelessly talking to somebody else. But his attitude was another thing entirely. 

“What do you want me to say, Steve? That I’m sorry I talked to somebody else and that it won’t happen again? You know it probably will, especially since you assigned Clint with the task of taking care of me and making sure I survive this year with you, which is really all he had done in the 40 minutes I have known him,” you reasoned, trying to sound confident but not pushy. You needed to show him that he couldn’t just toss you around like he might have thought. You didn’t expect him changing his attitude altogether for you, but you, at least, hoped he would go easy on you. 

He was seething but also thinking; you could see his mind going in overdrive to come up with something snarky and mean. But you were quicker than him, once again. 

“Will you be so kind and show me to my room? I would like to get settled in before we start talking about the wedding.”

“There will be no talk of a wedding. All you have to take care of is go tomorrow and pick your fucking dress. Everything else is being dealt with. I won’t need you tonight, so you can go and be by yourself till tomorrow,” he snapped and walked away without saying another word. 

Great, now you felt like you were grounded, and all you did was talking with somebody nice to you. You shook your head disapprovingly and headed in a direction you thought might have been your room, but after taking a few turns, you weren’t even sure you were in New York anymore. 

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing here?” You heard from behind you, and before you knew what was happening, somebody pushed you forcibly against the nearest wall, pressing their elbow into your neck. You coughed, surprised, clawing at the man’s forearms and trying to let him loosen the press because it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

“I said, what the fuck are you doing here?” He yelled into your face, and you tried to tell him, but your voice wouldn’t come out. So, you just stared at him, tears filling your eyes before you heard a loud hey from somewhere behind you two and saw a man with long brown hair running towards you. 

“Sarge, this woman was roaming around here. I think she is a spy,” the man still holding you said to the newly arrived guy, and all you could do was shake your head and tried to make yourself look as non-threatening as possible. Which wasn’t difficult considering you were in no position to be able to even defend yourself had the man decided to crush your trachea. 

“Fucking idiot! That’s the boss’ bride! Let her go, you dickhead,” the man, sarge, growled, and you felt the pressure leaving your body. Which was all it took for you to collapse on the floor and start coughing uncontrollably, gripping your neck in your hands to protect it from any further disturbance. 

“I-I, I didn’t know, Sarge! Don’t tell him. I thought she was some fucking spy. What the hell was she even doing here all alone, huh? It’s not my fucking fault she came sniffing around stuff that is none of her business,” the man tried to defend himself, but from the murderous gaze he received from the sergeant, he wasn’t very successful. 

“Are you ok, Miss? Did he break anything? Is your head spinning? Are you feeling nauseous? Any of this?” He crouched down to your level and extended an arm to you, and you flinched instinctively, not feeling too sure who was your friend here and who wasn’t. So, to play it safe, nobody was your friend, and you’d be scared of them all, forever. Easy business. 

The man saw your reaction and frowned even more but was persistent when he removed your hands from your neck to see an already-forming bruise alongside your throat. 

“You need to talk to me, Y/N. Are you hurting anywhere?” 

You coughed and grimaced because, yes, in fact, you did hurt and that all over the fucking neck and even your head. Which, given the man almost crushed your fucking throat with his elbow, wasn’t that surprising. 

“I’ll be fine. And I wasn’t sniffing around; I was just looking for my room. I thought it might be somewhere here, and I would have asked if I saw anyone. But this place is like a fucking maze, and I was all alone,” you screeched, and the sergeant nodded and helped you to stand up. He was pulling out what looked like a phone, but you stopped him. 

“Don’t call him, please. I’m fine. I just need to get to the room, so I can put some cold water on it, have a drink and go to sleep. Please,” you accentuated and saw the man weighing his options before he put the phone back to his pocket and nodded for you to follow him. 

“I will tell him, just so you know. Steve needs to know about this, and we need to make sure you are introduced to the whole house the first thing in the morning so that this doesn’t happen again. But he needs to know. I will give you a few minutes to take it all in before I do call him, though,” he said with a resolution in his voice, and while you wanted to protest, you saw that it would have been to no avail. So, not saying another word, you let yourself in what was supposed to be your room and took it all in. 

The walls were this very soft grey, which you actually preferred to the cold white you saw a lot all over the house. There was a king-sized bed against the main wall, framed with two bed-side tables and two matching white and gold lamps. There were many pillows on the bed and a plaid, grey and blue, throw as well, making it all feel very homey. You could see a large closet, where you could have easily fit ten times the amount of clothes you owned. The only other thing in the room was a table with a chair and some drawers, where you could picture yourself working and writing. 

However, when you turned around, you saw something that caught your attention. An easel with a little table on wheels, on top of which was a palette where you could see yourself mixing colors left and right. You squealed, but the sound reminded you that you have just been assaulted and that you could admire the room later. 

You took your time in the bathroom, inspecting your neck and hissing here and there when you touched it carefully. You knew the sarge was outside your door, probably counting in his head before he called Steve, and you were actually pretty surprised he wasn’t marching in already. Just when you thought of it, the door to your room flew open, and you heard Steve and the man talking (well, actually, more like yelling at each other).

“Where the fuck is she? I’m going to kill Drax. I swear to fucking God, man. How is it even possible that he does shit like this? They were all supposed to be briefed, for fuck’s sake. Imma have Sam’s ass as well for this. Fuck!” He yelled and kicked into something, which made you frowned, and you rushed out of the bathroom. 

Steve spun around and almost ran towards you, cradling your face in his hands carefully and lifting your head so that he could have a clear view of the injuries. He was swearing under his breath, but you couldn’t help it and stare at him, wide-eyed. He was actually careful with you, sweet even as he took it all in, and when he was sure you wouldn’t die right there, he took a step back from you. 

“Are you ok?” He asked after a moment, and all you could was just nod and stand there awkwardly, scratching your arms behind your back. 

“Will you be able to find your room easier next time?” 

“No, we took too many turns. But I won’t leave this room till morning anyway, and I will learn to stay out of the way very quickly, I promise,” you rushed to say, not really wanting to meet any of his crew alone again. 

“You can’t be scared walking around here, honey. I will show you around right now, and I have already called an emergency meeting, and I want you there. This can never happen again,” he said gravely, and you understood this was probably his way of apologizing for something that wasn’t really all his fault. Well, he didn’t have to storm off and leave you there, nor did he have to scare Clint away, who was ready to show you to your room in the first place. 

“Is it necessary, Steve? If I’m quite honest, I don’t feel too comfortable leaving the room right now,” you quipped, but Steve wasn’t listening anymore. He just grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the door. Weirdly, you felt a little better having the skin-on-skin contact with him because, at least now, nobody would be stupid enough to attack you. 

You tried to remember the way and took in the details that would make you not lose your trail again, such as the red vase on one of the tables in the corner that looked just like the corner two minutes ago, but the vase was something you could remember, so you took a mental note of that and other little things that would serve for your safety, obviously. Because when Steve told you people would want you dead, you sort of didn’t expect those people would be in the house with you. 

You walked through the spacious kitchen and the adjacent dining room to find yourself in what looked like a meeting room, with around 20 men gathered and scattered all over the room. 

When Steve finally stopped, he let go of your hand, but he instinctively reached for you and pulled you against his side. You looked at him in slight disbelief again but didn’t say anything as he stared in front of himself till the room was as quiet as a freaking church during a sermon. 

“Let me make this very quick: however lays as much as a fucking finger on Y/N here, I will kill you, and I won’t give a fuck who you are. You were briefed that I’m getting married to the woman I want, and because somebody wasn’t paying attention to the fucking briefing, evidently, my fiancé is now sporting a black neck, which she will have to cover for our wedding. Drax, you and I will speak tomorrow, I was ready to kill you, but I’m a reasonable man, so I will sleep and think of your punishment then. Now, any questions?” He asked threateningly, and you knew even if somebody did have a question, nobody would dare to ask it now. 

And just as you predicted, the room was as quiet as before, and Steve waved his hand so that everybody was dismissed and they could breathe again. Just not in his presence. 

“Sam, you stay here,” Steve added when he saw one of his closest men leaving the room as well. 

“I will deal with him, Steve. I don’t know how that could have happened, but it won’t ever again, I promise. If it does, you can have my head, man,” the bulky man said and smiled warmly at you. 

“By the way, hi, I’m Sam. I’m like the muscles here, you know? So, if you need to pick something up, I’m your guy,” he said with a wink, and you chuckled but took his hand to shake it. 

“Nice to meet you, Sam, and I will remember that, thank you.” 

“Alright, now, we have all the pleasantries behind us, you can go back to your room and go to sleep. And Y/N, if anybody as much as looks at you the wrong way, you tell me, ok? This marriage might not be a genuine one, but none of these assholes knows that or should care about that. They should protect you just like they protect me, and I don’t care what they say. I can’t have my fucking wife scared to walk these halls,” he was still frowning as he was saying all this to you, but you could see he was much more relaxed than when all the men were in the room. These two, the sergeant whose name you still didn’t know, and Sam, were obviously close to Steve because despite the winks Sam gave to you, Steve didn’t make a scene, nor did he give you the pointed looks when others were around. Still, you were on thin ice, and there was too much drama for one day for you to try and challenge him in any way. 

“Ay ay, Captain,” you chuckled, and the corner of Steve’s mouth actually moved a little, so you took that as a good sign. 

“Alright, I will try and get back to my room and call it a day because tomorrow is an important day! So, nice to meet you, gentlemen, and I will see you soon, I guess,” you waved at them awkwardly, and Sam waved back enthusiastically as you left the men to themselves. 

“She is actually quite nice,” Sam summarized, and winked at Bucky, who just rolled his eyes at him in annoyance, having just enough of Sam’s antics for one day. 

“Yeah, yeah, she actually is, when she’s not talking back and challenging every fucking thing I say,” Steve complained, and it was a turn for both men to roll their eyes at their best friend. 

“Oh yeah, because you love when they’re meek and quiet, we forgot. C’mon, man, somebody fucking choked her today, and she was still standing here with her head held high, keeping it together like a fucking pro. I say she is perfect for you,” Sam said defensively when he saw the murderous stare from his friend/boss. 

Good thing Sam didn’t see you in your room because as soon as you closed the door behind yourself, the tears just streamed down your face, and small sobs left your lips. You were glad the day was over and dreaded what the next day would bring. 

Next Chapter >

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Eternals

Director: Chloé Zhao

Starring: Gemma Chan, Richard Madden, Kumail Nanjiani, Lia McHugh, Brian Tyree Henry, Lauren Ridloff, Barry Keoghan, Don Lee, Harish Patel, Kit Harington, Salma Hayek, and Angelina Jolie

Release Date: November 5, 2021

My Rating: 9/10 (it may not be everyone’s cup of tea but it’s a solid 7/10 or 8/10 in general. It personally checked all of my boxes, so it gets a higher rating than that)

My Review (ABSOLUTELY NO SPOILERS):

I’m still so in my head about this movie, four days later. So I apologize in advance for this review...it’s a lot more “stream of consciousness” than usual. But I just loved this movie so much and I don’t think it deserves the hate it’s been getting online

I will admit that after a day or so, and after another viewing, the movie lost some of its magic. It’s still a great, solid movie. I still really enjoyed all the characters and the plot. But there was something so MAGICAL about it...I was sooo drawn in during that first viewing. And time away from that first viewing hasn’t made me change my mind about how I feel about the movie. It’s shining a little less brightly but it’s still undeniably a gem. Even though my heart isn’t racing because of how awesome it was anymore...I did in fact raise my initial rating of the movie after a second viewing. It’s just a solidly GOOD movie.

My biggest compliment for this movie is how impressively it dealt with an ensemble cast. It’s hard to do a good ensemble cast movie. Guardians of the Galaxy spent half the movie explaining who all these team members were and how they all got together. The Avengers had 5 movies preceding it, explaining the characters that were going to be involved in the team. We already knew them before the movie started...and even then, Hawkeye and Black Widow were undeveloped and kind of set to the side. Neither group became a “team” until the end of the movie. I wasn’t confident that Eternals would be able to get us behind a team that had already been a team for 7000 years, I didn’t know if they could dive into the backstory efficiently without bogging down the progression of the plot. More than that, I didn’t think they’d be able to equally include 10 people in a story. I have never been happier to have been proven wrong.

Every single Eternal was an integral part of the story. The story didn’t focus on half the team and have the other half be on the sidelines, only being brought in when the plot required it (looking at you, Avengers, Guardians). Every single character is important to this story. You can’t take one out, or the whole story has to be rewritten. Every single character had emotional depth. Every single character was important and developed and complex. Not a single one of them is black and white. And even though we only got a couple of snapshots of the Eternals in the past, they were the perfect instances chosen to show how the group functioned together and what had happened to bring them to the point where they were today, in the modern day MCU. I loved them all so much, individually and as a group. Best group movie that the MCU has ever produced because it focused on the GROUP. Yeah, there are certainly ‘main’ characters out of the bunch, but every single other character played a pivotal role.

Eternals uses its runtime better than almost any other MCU movie. The pacing of this movie was outstanding. There wasn’t a single moment where a scene felt slow or unneeded. The flashbacks weren’t confusing (as much as I love Shang-Chi, that was one of my main critiques - the constant back and forth). The movie flowed extremely well and was well balanced between action sequences and exposition. My friend I went with the second time asked when a good time for a bathroom break was and honestly, there isn’t a good time. It’s a movie where every single minute needs to be watched in order to get the full experience. Eternals uses every single minute of it’s 2.5 hour runtime, and it does so very efficiently.

OVERALL TAKEAWAY:

This movie intertwines mythology, history, theology and ethics...all within the world of superheroes! That’s all I can really say without spoiling too much, but how awesome is that?! It’s not just a “here’s some superpowered people, here’s a villain trying to take over/destroy the world” film like a lot of Marvel movies have been. It’s an epic, plain and simple. It was everything I didn’t know I wanted or needed in a film. If not for the references to specific MCU events, this movie easily could’ve stood on its own as a new sci-fi story.

With two awesome bonus scenes and an ending that blatantly sets up for a sequel in a way we haven’t seen since Thor: Ragnarok where Thanos’s ship just shows up out of nowhere...this movie is definitely worth seeing.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN IMPROVED:

I had a couple critiques, of course. They all have to do with the plot. There were a few parts of the story where some actions taken by characters felt like cop-outs. I didn’t like the explanation for the one Eternal missing the final fight. They straight up have that Eternal explain why they’re skipping the fight but it just felt like the writers couldn’t find a way to fit that Eternal into the final battle so they just had them leave instead. I also didn’t like how they resolved the emotional turmoil another Eternal is going through AFTER the final fights. Both instances kind of just felt like cop-outs. The ending made sense, and was epic...I just feel like it could’ve been MORE. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t even dislike it...it just felt kind of weak compared to the rest of the film. Furthermore, the B plot, regarding the secondary antagonists...I want to say that they weren’t needed but they WERE. They needed to be in the story...it just felt like, at times, they weren’t serving a purpose. But then the next scene would happen and I’d change my mind again. I kept flip-flopping on them. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you see the movie.

WHAT I LOVED:

• The acting. All the performances were amazing.

• The plot. The story was fresh and new, especially when you compare it to the other stories in the MCU. A couple of plot twists that I didn’t see coming, that genuinely surprised me and filled me with joy.

• The complexity of the characters. They’re all GOOD, but every single character is also pretty flawed. The family dynamics...the only thing I love more than quality family dynamics are when they occur in a found family.

• The CGI. I saw some technical film people complaining online about the CGI but for a basic person like me? Who just loves consuming media? It was great.

• The sound and the visuals...if you go see any movie in IMAX or Dolby, let it be this one. I saw the movie first in IMAX and second in digital, and the digital version couldn’t compare. It quite literally felt like a dull version of the masterpiece I saw in IMAX. There aren’t a lot of movies where I can notice a huge difference, but this might be one of them. This movie was absolutely stunning and it deserves to be experienced

• The relationships. Whether they be familial or romantic. They were very emotional, believable, and relatable. Even the “love triangle” didn’t even seem like a petty battle. It was deeper than that. All the relationships were just so very visibly intimate.

• A female-male friendship. Literally. Best friends. No romance. It was beautiful.

• Men showing their emotions. Emotions outside of pride and anger. It really shouldn’t be that big of a deal that more than one man cries during this movie but it was refreshing to see nonetheless.

• The comedic relief. I was concerned when I saw Kumail get cast, because he’s been one of my favorite stand-up comedians for a decade now...I know him as the funny man. I figured they cast him to be the comedic relief. While he does provide some comedic relief...it’s very organic. And he’s not the only one who provides it. There’s enough comedic relief in this movie to lighten the mood but not enough that it feels like it’s trying too hard to provide a joke every minute. At its core, this movie is an action-drama.

[thevirgodoll]

hi! i was wondering if you have any tips to stay organized and stay on task? i’ve been doing a short online course this year and have really struggled to ACTUALLY bring myself to do the work, as assignments and lessons are not under any time constraints i just don’t do it. i also have adhd so get bored or distracted easily. do you have any tips for me?

This is really close to me because I also have ADHD. I have both inattentive and hyperactive type. *As a result, this academic tip guide will be a guide for people with ADHD and not neurotypical people, without disability. There is a difference.*

I am doing online as well this semester.

1. I create a schedule. If I do not create a schedule, I will be unproductive the entire day. So, what will help you is to do things in orderly fashion.

For example, at 12p - I will do this assignment/watch this lecture. You have to dictate what time you’re doing everything. Then, you also have to block out technology distractions while you are working. 

-> Even if you’ve gotten halfway through the day with no schedule, write down or block off times on your digital calendar for what you are going to do at each time. ADHD is easier to tackle if you break things down into smaller tasks.

*Pro tip that I almost forgot: before you do anything, wear your day clothes. Don’t wear pajamas. Actually getting dressed or even doing hair/makeup changes things.

2. Download the Forest app after you have created your schedule. I consistently recommend this because it works in increasing productivity. It allows you to set it for however long you’re doing this task, say 30 minutes.

-> Why?: It will block all apps on your phone for (insert time here) to plant a tree, and if you leave the app your “tree” will die. Eventually, the more sessions you do, the more points you will gain to plant different plants, and eventually plant real trees around the world.

3. Have a list (& a planner) as well. Not only is the schedule creating structure, but the list creates even more structure so you know what you need to get done for the day. It also helps you not fall victim to the classic symptom of forgetting. Each day, you should write down what you WANT to get done and create your own times to look at lecture and assignments. Have goals for the day.

For example: complete assignment 2.

If you do not have expectations with yourself before the day begins, your ADHD will kind of take over and do something else. I have structure to my day. I set a timer to wake up at the same time. I take my ADHD medicine 90 minutes before my final wake up time, and I do my morning routine once it kicks in. Having the same routine helps.

-> Focus on your goals. Don’t be super harsh about the times.

-> Don’t overwhelm with how many things on to do list. Again, break it up into small tasks. For example, one part being: Wash dishes or fold laundry. It makes it less overwhelming to your brain and gives you a choice of which task. Typical non ADHD people just tell you to prioritize tasks but that doesn’t work for us. Do it in a random order and it gets the job done.

4. TAKE BREAKS! The other side to this is making sure that you give yourself adequate breaks.

*For hyperfocus, wait til your hyperfocus has started to wear off. Use it to your advantage for peak productivity. It is no joke.*

-> The misconception is that some people with ADHD are lazy and as a result, some ADHDers won’t take breaks. You can take a break. Healthy, long breaks do more for you long term.

-> Have a timer set. For example, after a 45 minute session or an hour session, I will take a break to do another task that has nothing to do with studying, like laundry, eating a snack, or stretching. Then after that task is done, I will go back to studying.

5. Have a workspace. Only do work at this space. I do schoolwork at my living room table and it is perfect. I do not study in my room because that is my sanctuary for relaxation and rest, not productivity. Make an effort to make the workspace clean, with your supplies - laptop, notebooks, pens, etc - readily available.

-> Once I get to my workspace, everything for the morning is already done. I’ve done my morning routine, so all there is left to do is hydrate while I study.

6. Recognize if you have adequate energy to do the task. Sometimes, with ADHD you may neglect your needs. If you are not getting enough rest, here are some tips:

•Bed should be for rest only.

•Blackout curtains

•Lavender essential oil, I have a diffuser but you can also put it on your pillow

•Background noise: pick what you want, lo fi music, rain sounds, binaural beats, singing bowls

•If all else fails, ADHD is often comorbid with other illnesses, meaning you could have a form of depression causing insomnia for example. This should be considered if you are having long term issues and symptoms.

7. Don’t overdo it. We are not neurotypical. Executive dysfunction is real - meaning our brains actually shut down when it perceives a task to be mundane.

-> You do not have to fit everything into one schedule for the sake of being “productive”. Each day should be what you know you can do, and there are different days to tackle different goals.

-> When you feel like you cannot continue, which is literally a symptom of ADHD, sit still for a few minutes.

8. Have a “What I Did Today” List. Because of how ADHD actually makes us feel, we don’t realize how much work we have put in. ADHD actually can be explained easily, we have about 2 dopamine workers showing up to work while most people are at maximum capacity. We are working overtime to do our best, even on medicine. So, acknowledging what we did today is good and encouraging, or at least reflecting in a journal.

9. Play music. It’s recommended to play study music without words because with ADHD we will submerge ourselves into the playlist of nostalgic 90s R&B. I recommend lo fi hip hop on YouTube, video game instrumentals, classical music, or jazz instrumentals. Whatever gets you going just do it!

General ADHD tips:

•Rewrite lecture notes and type the lecture notes.

•Color code with bright colors and pretty drawings or calligraphy

•Instead of telling yourself “I need to take notes” which usually leads to procrastination say “Rewrite lecture notes and emphasize main points” ... this is useful in your to do list but in everyday goals

•Generally try to get your assignments done ahead of time if there is structure to certain courses, if not, again, stick to the schedule. If you slip one day off your schedule then don’t beat yourself up. Breathe!!!

•Side effect of most ADHD meds is that you’re not hungry so buy easy things to eat like muscle milk or yogurt and granola or smoothies so you can sustain yourself

•Get a dry erase board to show what you need to do for the day and put it on the fridge with command strips

•To avoid forgetting things, put them at a table near the door where you leave your apartment/dorm/house.

•Don’t overthink the time it takes to get ready, often that’s why ADHDers are late. Better to be super early than late though - have a routine set so you know how long each task takes - for example “I know a shower takes me 15 mins, washing my face takes 60 seconds and a few more including sunscreen/moisturizer, etc...”

•In that same grain, set timers for going to the bathroom, showering, etc just in case you one day hyperfocus and push yourself too far

•Open the blinds!!!!

•Clean your room and tidy up your space. A cluttered space impacts your mental health in a really negative way. Your space reflects your mental state at times as well, so check in with yourself. Have a specific day where you know you’re going to clean, but ADHD sometimes gives us bursts of cleaning so take advantage of that as well.

•Anytime your water bottle empties refill it. Have your water bottle or mason jar next to your workspace, and drink 5-10 gulps. Seriously. ADHD depends a lot on hydration, especially if you are on medicine which naturally dehydrates you. If you do not stay hydrated, you’ll get that massive headache mid day and crash sooner. A lot of times, lack of productivity can be due to not drinking enough water.

•If you don’t take medication, then sometimes you may notice you love coffee, and that’s because it’s a stimulant. Too much of anything is not good, but balance it with water. If you’re going to use coffee to kinda “medicate” then do it close to when you’re going to be productive.

•Setting yourself up to do a task rather than envisioning the overwhelming act of doing the entire action. “Okay, lets just get up and get the first step down, such as opening the laptop or wetting the toothbrush.” Baby steps.

•Take advantage of accommodations! Your college more than likely has an Office of Disability Services. Also, email your professors...they’re actually just as stressed as you about classes being online.

•Remember that you’re already trying as hard as you can, so don’t listen to the narrative of “try harder”, “you’re *r word*”, “you’re cheating by using medication”, “just do it,” “it’s easy,” “what’s so hard about it?” or “you’re lazy”. Anyone telling you that, even yourself, is wrong. And DO NOT allow anyone to be ableist, even yourself.

•Validate yourself. Don’t let anyone to do the “I experience that too”/“I know what you mean”/“we ALL have trouble with this!” and they don’t have ADHD. No. It’s our experience, it’s valid, and unlike anything on the planet. If you’re reading this and you don’t have ADHD - no, you do not experience any of the things in my next bullet point.

•Don’t be hard on yourself if you stumble along the way getting this right. ADHD completely changes your executive functioning.

We see the task, but our brain blocks it.

We have something marked down as “important” but our brain tosses it out in the “trash”.

We watch an entire episode of a show, but our brain ignored the entire thing. Our brain picks and chooses what is stimulating, our brain changes our interests.

We have sensory overload, we have no dopamine, we have bursts of curiosity that cannot be contained (often inconvenient) and if interrupted, our brains cannot take it.

People often discount how many things ADHD actually changes because it’s widely misunderstood. I want to take the time to acknowledge that ADHD, formerly known as simply ADD, has different types: primarily inattentive, primarily hyperactive-impulsive, or combined which is what I have. So it’s not “hyper” and “relatable”. It is also not a buzzword to use to describe things. I must put stereotypes and misrepresentations of ADHD to rest.

It impacts us emotionally as well, which most people don’t know... such as rejection dysphoria — extreme sensitivity to being criticized to where our brains self destruct. Our brains don’t regulate emotions well.

ADHDers - do not fall victim to how everyone else operates and call yourself a failure. We have to work twice as hard and the results actually come out brilliant especially with our determination and imaginative ideas that are also seen in autistic individuals, honorable mention!

There’s good days and bad days. There’s literal changes in thinking that other people do not experience. We all collectively know wouldn’t be who we are without ADHD, but we all recognize the challenges. However, it makes me happy to see messages like this so that I can make a difference and hopefully help one person with ADHD, especially of color, at a time stop being so hard on themselves. 💗

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Infodump/Long Post: Caffeine, Sugar, Dopamine, & ADHD

Hi. I’m Nico. I don’t usually infodump on here but Aiden did before & fellow neurodivergent people seemed to enjoy seeing nd centered content, & people gave him a lot of attention, so…

Here goes I guess. I hope y’all like it.

It’s gonna be a bit long but I found it fascinating so—

So first important thing is, this is based on research studies I found & theories I know, as well as my own observations, & may not be absolutely perfect because of that. But for the purpose of sharing information I’m going to tell you the theories & findings & build from there. Just bear in mind these aren’t set in stone & knowledge could change in the future - this is based on recent/current findings & understanding.

((& I don't want any arguing about the theories, the existence of ADHD, the addictive nature of caffeine/sugar (that's not the central topic here), or the way I formatted this in replies/reblogs please))

——

So many of you may know that ADHDers are affected differently by caffeine (coffee) than non-ADHDers (& neurotypicals). It’s actually been so consistent that I can tell if someone is ADHD or not based on their reaction to coffee - even before they’re diagnosed. It’s generally accepted that stimulants affect ADHDers differently. Coffee/caffeine usually puts ADHDers to sleep, or makes them drowsy, or makes them very focused, & it’s sometimes baffling as an ADHDer that some people can drink coffee to feel energized & jittery (it feels like a lie sometimes). That’s not to say that people who aren’t put to sleep by caffeine can’t have ADHD, but it’s very common to be put to sleep/calmed down by coffee.

Based on my personal experience with coffee, I’ve had a 20 ounce black coffee put me to sleep for four hours. I also, just yesterday, had a 20oz sugared latte & ended up hyperfocusing on this (topic of infodump), rewriting an intro template we made around a year ago, & writing stories (a special interest of mine) for around 6-8 hours total.

Now I think I might know why.

So I suspected the other day that maybe it had something to do with dopamine, & I did some research on how caffeine affects the brain. But because I also know sugared coffee (e.g. syrup-flavoured lattes, which is what I prefer) seem to have a different affect (especially depending on how much sugar you use), I looked into how sugar affects the brain too.

——

This is gonna use a few technical terms so I’ll explain them first for anyone who doesn’t know—

Adrenaline/Epinephrine: “A hormone your body can release (especially when you’re under stress) that increases blood circulation rate (quickens heart beat, strengthens force of heart’s contractions), breathing speed, & carbohydrate metabolism, & prepares your muscles to be used. It’s part of the human ‘fight or flight’ response to fear, panic, or perceived threat. An adrenaline rush can feel like anxiousness, nervousness, or pure excitement as your body & mind prepare for an event.”

Adrenaline Simplified - It gives you heightened energy, excitement, strength, & alertness, & a lot of it will make you jittery, anxious, or panicky.

Serotonin: A neurotransmitter compound which constricts the blood vessels and acts as a neurotransmitter. It’s responsible for influencing/stabilizing mood, feelings of well-being & happiness, cognition, reward, learning, memory, & numerous physiological processes (nausea & vasoconstriction (narrowing (constriction) of blood vessels by small muscles in their walls to slow blood flow)).

Serotonin Simplified - reduces depression, regulates anxiety, heals wounds, stimulates nausea, maintains bone health, helps with sleeping, eating, & digesting, & regulates happiness, well-being, & mood stability; it’s a soother & a happy chemical. A lot of it will make you extremely energetic & jittery.

Dopamine: “A neurotransmitter compound. When dopamine is released in large amounts, it creates feelings of pleasure (happiness, achievement) & reward, which motivates you to repeat specific behaviours; low levels of dopamine are linked to reduced motivation & decreased enthusiasm for things that would excite most people. It controls mental & emotional responses but also motor (physical) reactions. Known for being the “happy hormone”; responsible for the experience of happiness. The anticipation of most types of rewards typically increases the level of dopamine in the brain (anticipatory pleasure), & then you get a larger dose later when you get the reward.”

Dopamine Simplified - It’s your happiness/pleasure response to achievements, rewards, praise, etc. It functions as both motivation & reward, & when it’s functioning properly it’s what keeps you focused on tasks until they’re done.

Residual Dopamine: Dopamine that’s “floating” around in your brain, ready to be deployed as needed to motivate you & help you get through less fun tasks.

Temporary Dopamine: Dopamine that you get as a reward from things like beating a level in a video game, winning the lottery, etc. (accomplishments); is released after an accomplishment or event is over.

Note that typically, these chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, & adrenaline) are supposed to be balanced, & they’re supposed to be generally not very difficult to get. In mentally ill or some neurodivergent brains, however, these chemicals are imbalanced.

——

Now that the technical stuff is out of the way -

Caffeine lowers your serotonin levels, majorly increases dopamine, & releases adrenaline.

Sugar raises all three - serotonin, dopamine, AND adrenaline.

So sugared coffee will raise serotonin, dopamine, & adrenaline levels.

So how does that make them affect ADHDers differently?

——

This part is based on something called Low Arousal Theory (& no that’s not sexual).

Basically, the theory states that what makes an ADHDer appear inattentive or hyperactive has to do with dopamine in the brain - both how much we have & how easy it is to get it.

ADHDers, according to this theory, have lower residual dopamine. This causes an imbalance between dopamine and other neurotransmitter compounds/hormones.

Because of this, then, ADHDers have to rely on temporary hits of dopamine, both to focus & to boost their mood. There are often less ways we can get enough dopamine, since our brain doesn’t pre-produce enough & we thus need more dopamine total to be able to focus. So we end up hyperfocusing on anything that automatically gives large doses of dopamine - which usually ends up being things like TV shows (binge watching), video games (blackout hyperfocus where you play for hours & lose time), & social media (like, scroll, comment, scroll, lots of feedback/reward).

——

(Note in this case sugared coffee can mean coffee with sugar cubes/physical sugar added, coffee with sugary creamer added, coffee with milk added coffee with sugar syrup added, coffee with flavoured sugar syrup added, & coffee with any combination of those added (because those will all add at least a little sugar); & black coffee means coffee/espresso with not even milk added)

So if black coffee raises your dopamine levels, that means, for non-ADHDers, that it makes them energized, jittery, anxious, motivated and alert. Sugared coffee has a more significant/amplified, but similar, affect & this often shows up as shakiness & inattentiveness.

Non-ADHDers will get an artificial imbalance & a whole lot of dopamine, adrenaline, &/or serotonin. Since they already have enough dopamine naturally, this spike causes hyperactive/inattentiveness.

For ADHDers, however, their dopamine levels are low, so black coffee will cause an artificial imbalance but will leave the ADHDer with enough dopamine (higher levels of dopamine) to be motivated to do tasks & focus, & this usually causes focused drowsiness in small doses. Large doses (usually 20+ ounces of black coffee) will put the ADHD brain to sleep.

Sugared coffee though, for an ADHD brain, will cause an artificial balance with higher levels of dopamine, so this usually creates either blackout hyperfocus (medium dose of sugar + medium (16-20oz) coffee), calm focus (large coffee (20-32oz) + some sugar), or amplified hyperactivity (small coffee (8-16oz) + a lot of sugar or large coffee (20-32oz) + a lot of sugar; jittery, jumpiness, running around).

((Note the oz are an estimate & will vary depending on your personal tolerance for caffeine & sugar))

Essentially, sugared coffee could have a similar affect to prescription meds for ADHDers who don’t trust meds, get bad side effects from meds, or aren’t allowed meds? (I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it or say anyone should ditch their meds to try it, especially since coffee can be addictive, but I found it fascinating either way (since it explained (potentially) why black coffee could put me & other ADHDers to sleep).)

It also means being put to sleep by coffee, or suddenly able to Do The Thing™ because of coffee, is ADHD culture. (/lighthearted)

~Nico

[aellynera]

The Best Years of Your Life (Reeves x Reader)

THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

(hey hey, this is my other submission for @wasicskosgirl and her 800 follower celebration! and yes, you read that right - it’s REEVES. i had a lot of fun writing it and i hope you enjoy reading it! CONGRATS Amanda!!)

Word Count: um like 6200ish oops it was supposed to be a blurb

Summary: They say the best years of your life happen in high school, but what do they know?

Warnings: Some language. Female reader implied but no pronouns/description. Teenage angst. Adult wistfulness. Mostly fluffy tho. No promises about proofreading. Frog murder. 

with the prompt - “Like what you see?”

It all started back in high school. Sometimes you wonder how often people say that, and if it’s really true or they’re just falsely remembering how things happened because high school is supposed to be the best four years of your life.

But in this case, it’s true. Because high school is when you met Reeves.

Sophomore Year. High School. A Friday. 

It was the third day of sophomore year, fourth period on a Friday morning, your last before the lunch break. Biology class was maybe the one you were least looking forward to, not exclusively because of the required frog dissection, but pretty damn close. Gross. And you never understood why the school year didn’t just start on a Monday, but you were new here in San Diego. Maybe they just did things differently.

It was bad enough being the new kid. It was worse when you walked into class halfway through the lecture, even if it wasn’t your fault. The timing of the move was weird, and you’d spent most of the first two days, and this morning, doing placement tests and talking to your counselor. 

And now you were being called out in front of the entire class.

“Ah, there you are,” your teacher announced as you walked in the door. “Everyone, this is our new student, please make them feel welcome. You can sit over there.”

Your eyes followed as she motioned to the empty seat at the lab table in the back of the room. Suddenly you weren’t sure if your face felt hot because of embarrassment or because of the boy in the other chair.

Dark, curly hair cut close on the sides but longer on the top. Deep brown eyes framed by long, long lashes. Full, plush lips curling up into his cheek on one side. A nose that, okay, maybe might be a bit oversized but for some reason worked on his handsome face and--

Well, shit. Definitely not the embarrassment.

You shuffled your way to your seat and slid into it with your head down. A few students watched you curiously but soon turned their attention back to the lesson. You tried your best to focus on what was going on, to not look to your left at the distraction next to you.

You weren’t very successful.

By now you thought you’d sneaked enough covert glances to know that we was wearing a leather jacket, had a small diamond stud earring in his left ear, a bunch of silver-studded brown suede wrap bracelets around both wrists, a silver ring on his right index finger, and oddly precise handwriting as he took notes. In between relevant facts the teacher was sharing, he was doodling tiny music notes in the margins of his notebook.

And he totally caught you looking.

“Like what you see?” he leaned over and whispered.

Your mouth felt drier than the Sahara but also somehow so moist you were afraid you might have actually drooled on yourself. You should have opened your mouth to respond but your brain refused to make the connection. Probably for the best.

At least, at first. When it finally caught up to you, the only response your brain could provide was, “Maybe?”

Now would be the perfect time for the floor to swallow you whole.

He just winked at you and his attention went back to the doodles around his notes.

You shifted your gaze back to your own notebook, but you don’t know if anything else of importance was said, and don’t remember writing anything down. The bell ringing sharply pulled you back to reality and you hastily shoved your books in your backpack, ready to escape.

Just as you were about to leave, a voice called out. “Hey, sorry about earlier. If I freaked you out or anything.”

You looked up. He was smiling at you, a little shyly. You bit your lip, your brain and mouth still refusing to connect.

He stuck his hand out. “I’m Reeves. You’re new here?”

“Um…” you smacked yourself internally. This was ridiculous, you weren’t really shy, you knew how to have a conversation, he was just introducing himself. You were going to have a serious conversation with your brain later about proper communication techniques.

It felt like hours had passed, but you finally pulled yourself together enough to respond. “Yeah. My- my dad got transferred for work, we moved here like a week ago. He literally dragged the family across the country. I’m originally from New York City.”

His eyes lit up. “Oh, cool! I always wanted to go to New York City!”

You found yourself smiling back.

“Do you...wanna sit with me at lunch?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. “Maybe you could tell me a little about the city? And...about you, since we’re gonna have to commit heinous acts of violence on an amphibian together? I’d like to know who’s wielding a scalpel next to me.”

The giggle that escaped your throat could not be contained. This boy - Reeves - was adorable. “Oh. Okay, yeah. I’d really like that.”

The Present.

Poor Lenny the Frog never stood a chance. Then again, neither did you.

To be fair, Lenny was already dead when you and Reeves got your hands on him. Well, when you got your hands on him, because for the full first half of that specific class period, Reeves refused to touch him and nearly turned as green as Lenny once was. That’s when he insisted on naming your cadaver, because somehow giving it a name made it easier to deal with.

You were pretty sure Reeves was nuts.

By the middle of sophomore year, you were dead too, but not for the same reasons.

By the middle of sophomore year, you weren’t sure how you were still alive, because every time he looked over at you and gave you a sly smile during class, gave you that look, you felt your heart go taut and you forgot how to breathe and certainly, rightfully, should have been dead.

Your friend Alexis stuck her head into your bathroom. “Hey, we’re just waiting on Vanessa, and then we’re good to go. Drinks first? The show doesn’t start until 8 so we have time.”

You glanced up from your makeup and nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

Alexis grinned. “Aaaaaah I’m so glad you agreed to go out tonight! It’s gonna be so much fun!”

“Oh, it’s gonna be something,” you muttered, going back to your eyeliner.

Alexis had been the first one to see the concert announcement about a week ago. A benefit show at one of the clubs down in Greenwich Village, some punk revival thing (for charity) with a bunch of different singers and musicians. Not normally your scene, but Alexis scanned through the names and suddenly remembered you’d known Reeves in high school. You said yes, he was in your class, and you’d been lab partners once. Vanessa squealed in excitement and Alexis announced you were going to the show. There was never any actual agreement.

Because of course Reeves was going to be there. And of course, you had to be too.

Junior Year. The Parking Lot. A Tuesday.

“I’m just saying, it was a ridiculous foul, and it should never have been called,” Reeves groused as you walked out of the gym.

“We also should have made like twenty more of our own foul shots,” you pointed out.

The Lake Howell Silverhawks had fallen to their arch-rivals in a somewhat glorious fashion. You didn’t even like basketball that much. But that didn’t really matter. The games were just an excuse to go out for burgers before and hang out with your friends during.

It was definitely an excuse to hang out with Reeves.

Junior year, you were both disappointed to find you didn’t have any classes together, but you still almost always ate lunch together. He’d come over to your house to study during the week and sometimes just to chill out on the weekends. Over the past year, he’d shown you all around the city and taken you to his favorite places. You told him all about New York, how you missed it and one day you’d go back, and all the famous sites and which ones were tourist traps that he was only allowed to visit the very first time and then never again.

You spent so much time together, even your mother liked to tease you about why he wasn’t your boyfriend.

It took a while for you to find the words to tell her it was because he was someone else’s.

As much as you liked to pretend she didn’t change anything, Randie Rustenberg changed everything. It was gradual, like a creeping vine of ivy, and she slowly took him over. There was no malice; it was just one of those things that happened. Reeves spent less time with you, his best friend, and more time with Randie, his girlfriend.

The girlfriend you desperately wished was you, because ever since that first biology class you’d had the biggest, stupidest crush on him.

Eventually you had a boyfriend of your own. Theo was a nice guy, he really was. Polite, friendly, had a good sense of humor, liked your family. And your family loved him. Your mother was so happy that you had a boyfriend, she seemed to forget to ask how Reeves was and if you’d seen him lately.

Of course you saw him. You saw him every day, in the cafeteria, at his locker, passing by in the halls. Sometimes you could find him playing the grand piano on the stage in the empty auditorium. Yes, if your mother bothered to ask, you saw Reeves all the time. Now it was just always with her.

Except this week. It was a break of sorts, no classes, just some sports and other school activities. Randie was on some trip with her parents for some kind of church function, and Theo was fishing with his dad on some lake up north. He’d told you where, but you honestly couldn’t be bothered to recall. So when a bunch of your friends and a bunch of his friends all said everyone was going to the basketball game, there was no debate.

As if there was any way you’d say no.

Sometime during the game, your friends wandered off to the snack bar and never ventured back. His friends started a game of hacky-sack under the bleachers. And you found yourself pretending to understand all the finer points about hoops strategy, cheering and yelling along with Reeves and having a great time, just like you used to.

“Where’d you park?” he asked as you left the gym and headed out into the sea of cars. You vaguely pointed in the direction of yours and he grinned. “Oh, good, I’m that way too. Come on, I’ll walk you.”

The faint glow emitted by the lampposts in the parking lot bounced off his curls and his eyes, when you could catch a glimpse, were bright beneath them.

As if there was any way you’d say no.

The walk wasn’t very far, but it felt like it was over in a second. You hadn’t said anything on the way, just soaked in the comfort of walking next to him as he kept commenting on the game.

He was waving his hands everywhere, looking at them as he talked as if his hand motions would make things make any more sense to you, in the middle of saying something about your center and how they needed to get better about blocking out when you finally spoke.

“Oh, shit.”

Reeves looked up at you. “What, you don’t agree?”

You dropped your bag on the ground and rolled your eyes. “No, my car is locked and I left my keys inside.” You pointed to the passenger seat. Your keys stared back at you derisively.

You both stared back at them for a moment, then he grinned. “Hang on, I got you.” He held up one finger and trotted off to his car, coming back a minute later with something in his hand. “This should take care of it.”

You took a step back. “Reeves? Um. Okay, why do you have a coat hanger in your car.”

He rolled his eyes back at you. “For emergencies, duh.” He quickly twisted the hanger into a hook shape and went to your passenger side window.

“And why do you know how to break into a car with said coat hanger?”

“Like I told you,” his tongue poked out between his teeth as he worked, “for emergencies. You think I haven’t locked my own keys in my car once or six times?”

“Did Randie teach you how to do this?” The words were out of your mouth before you could think. She probably had. She might have been churchy when required, but she was also responsible for about half of Reeves’s stints in detention (the other half just being him making the wrong joke at the wrong time and pissing a teacher off.)

Thank god he didn’t seem to hear you as he kept working at the lock. Finally you heard a *click* and he pumped a fist into the air with a little “yessss!”

And then you’re not really sure what happened. You bent down to pick up your bag and then you were standing up and Reeves’s face was literally about three inches away from yours and for the eight thousandth time since you’d know him, you forgot how to breathe.

Neither of you said anything for what felt like days. You just stared at each other under the dim halo of the parking lot lights.

“Here you go.” He took your hand and dropped your keys into it.

“Thanks,” you whispered.

“Like what you see?” the corners of his mouth quirked up, just the slightest little bit.

“...Maybe.”

And the staring recommenced. Were you two getting closer? Physically closer, you meant, of course you were close, you’d always been close. Well, at one time you were really close but then Randie Restenberg happened and it wasn’t fair that she got to know what those lips felt like and did he always smell this good or--

“Yo, Reeves!” A pickup truck full of guys skidded to a stop behind your car and one of his friends - Jake? Jack? you barely remembered your own name right now - stuck his head out the window. “Fight to the death ping pong tourney at Matt’s house! You in?”

Reeves bit his lip and closed his eyes for a second before he pulled back with a soft “I’m sorry” before turning to his friends. “Um, yeah, sure. Sounds brutal. I’ll meet you there.” 

The pickup sped off, tires screeching out of the parking lot. Reeves turned back to you, but you’d already gotten into your now unlocked car and started the engine.

You rolled down the window a fraction and gave him a weak smile. “Hey, um. Thanks for saving my butt. Now go kick theirs at ping pong, yeah?” Your face felt so hot, and for once you were grateful for the dim lights in the lot.

“You could, um, come along if- if you want.”

“Nah, I’m...I’m tired, I’m just gonna...um, head home. But I’ll see you tomorrow maybe?”

Reeves looked like he was about to say something else, but he didn’t. He just stepped onto the curb in front of your car, smiled, and raised his hand in a little wave as he watched you drive off.

The Present.

A series of shrieks and the slamming of the door told you Vanessa had finally arrived. It sounded like they were jumping up and down on the tile just inside your front door, which was ridiculous since you’d all just seen each other the day before. But typical.

You smoothed a pinkie under your eye, checked your makeup one final time, and went into the living room.

“Oh, you look hot,” Vanessa gushed. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and plopped down on your couch. “Who are you trying to impress tonight?”

“Reeves, of course,” Alexis laughed, leaning on the kitchen counter. She sorted anything she might need from her big purse into a little evening bag as she talked. “You know we go to all his shows. And you know they went to high school together.”

You snorted. “That was a long time ago. I’m not even sure he’d remember me.”

Vanessa waggled her eyebrows. “You’re probably right, No offense, honey, but no one was that hot back in high school.”

He was, your brain supplied. Very helpful. You smiled wanly.

Vanessa continued. “But you were friends, right? You’ve never really talked about it. God, it must be so cool now to think that you were friends with Reeves back when he was an awkward high school teenager.”

“Reeves was never awkward,” you laugh. “It was kind of unfair.”

“But you totally had a crush on him,” Alexis offered.

Had? What do you mean, had? Oh my god, shut up, brain.

A pillow flew in your direction and you ducked as Vanessa giggled and Alexis rolled her eyes. “Come on, tell us something about him,” Vanessa goaded. “Wait. Was he, like, your prom date? That’s your secret! You totally went to prom with Reeves and you never told us!”

Senior Year. Prom. A Saturday.

The night was not supposed to go this way.

It was supposed to be limousines and corsages and dinner with dates and friends. It was supposed to be endless pictures while your mother told you how gorgeous you looked and how handsome he was and your father gave a thinly-veiled shovel talk about how he knew what happens on prom night and what would really happen if that actually happened. It was supposed to be punch and cookies and balloons. It was supposed to be dancing closer than the chaperones were comfortable with and kissing with tongue when they weren’t looking.

It was supposed to be the best night of your life. It was supposed to be fun.

Nowhere in your weeks of dreaming of this night did it involve sitting on a bench in the girls’ locker room, knees pulled up to your chest, while the party carried on in the gym just beyond.

It definitely didn’t involve crying.

The bass beats of the deejay and the harmony of laughter temporarily got louder as the locker room door opened, and then faded back into a muted thumping as the door closed again a second later. You could hear footsteps headed in your direction but before you could unfold yourself and wipe your tears away, a familiar voice called out.

“Hey, there you are!”

Being able to find the words to describe how he looked in his tux, his curls slightly tamed by some gel, the blue rose (of course it would be an off color, why would he pick something standard?) pinned to his lapel, his lopsided grin… Finding the words was nearly impossible.

Of course he would show up now. Because your night wasn’t already crappy enough and half the reason you were sitting there weeping instead of out there dancing was standing right in front of you.

You realized that wasn’t fair. It was probably more like, twenty-five percent of the reason, and it wasn’t his fault. But that didn’t make it any better.

“Why are you in the girls’ locker room, Reeves?” you sniffled.

He furrowed his eyebrows and his nose scrunched up in concern as he took in your mascara-streaked cheeks and puffy red eyes. “One of your friends said you came in here like half an hour ago and nobody’s seen you since. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Clearly not.” He sat down next to you. “Wanna talk about it?”

A deep, shaky sign left your chest. You didn’t really want to talk about how, earlier in the evening, you’d excused yourself to use the restroom and come back to the gym to find Theo dancing with...you didn’t remember her name, nor did you care. You didn’t mind that he was dancing with another girl, in theory, but it was another matter entirely when his hands were on her ass and she was sucking a deep purple mark into his neck. And he was laughing. 

A short, vicious argument ensued in the coat room after you’d cut in and dragged him off by the elbow. And it turned out that he’d been seeing whats-her-name for months, somehow, behind your back while pretending that everything was perfect with you. When he was supposedly visiting his grandparents? He was with her. When he had to work an extra shift? He was with her. When he got off the phone with you, saying he needed to get to bed early? He was calling her.

Prom wasn’t supposed to involve a very public break-up.

And things didn’t get any better when, deciding you needed something to drink, you went back into the gym and immediately saw Reeves and Randie, dancing cheek to cheek, arms snugly wrapped around each other as a soft, romantic song wafted through the air. Because of course he was with her. She was his girlfriend and Reeves wasn’t a detestable cheating asshole.

There was always another her.

You couldn’t handle it.

So you took off to somewhere almost guaranteed to be empty. You figured the locker room wasn’t really the kind of place kids would want to make out, and you were right. It was blessedly empty. Until now.

But you couldn’t tell him the second part, so you just went with the first. His eyes got wide as you blubbered through the sordid details of Theo being a complete and utter twat. Another quivery sob half-burst from you and Reeves got up. He grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to you as he sat back down.

“Thanks,” you hiccuped.

“I never liked him,” Reeves announced.

You found yourself choking on a huff of air. “What? Yes you did! Everybody loved him. That’s what makes it extra shitty.”

“Did you?”

“What?”

Reeves cocked his head and looked at you with an expression you couldn’t quite place. “Did you love him?”

Your mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Why did you always seem to forget how to make words when Reeves asked you questions?

“What?”

He shrugged. “Everyone else loved him. Did you?”

You used every last ounce of willpower you had to not jump up on that bench and shout that of course you didn’t love Theo, you idiot, because I love you.

That would not make this night any easier.

The next thing you knew, Reeves put an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his chest, hugging you soundly. He rested his cheek on the top of your head. “Doesn’t matter. You’re better off without him.”

You dabbed at your eyes. Nope, still couldn’t make words.

Minutes, hours, days. You had no idea how long you stayed like that, pressed to him and feeling him breathe beneath you. You no longer had any idea how long it had even been since everything crashed around you and he’d come to try and help you pick up the pieces. You just listened to his heartbeat, strong and steady, as the muffled music and joyful shouts of classmates went on past the closed door.

Finally he spoke again. “Hey, you wanna get one of those complimentary pictures?”

“What?” Oh, great. You were finally able to answer his question but you could still only come up with that one word? Stupid brain.

“Well, I…” he sat up straight and, after the briefest look into your eyes, he glanced away. Was he blushing? You weren’t sure. “I always kind of...I kind of thought we’d have a prom picture together. I mean, I just figured, y’know, we’d go with a bunch of friends, but I always hoped I’d get a picture with my best friend.”

The sniffles were back in an instant. Damn him. “Reeves, I...you really want to get a picture now? I look horrible, I can’t get a picture taken like this!”

He took the paper towel from your hand and gently dabbed at your cheeks. “You couldn’t look horrible if you tried. Come on, it’ll be fun. And just think how excited your mom will be when she gets a copy of it.”

Despite your best efforts, you had to laugh. “Okay.”

You headed to the photo area after you washed your face, Reeves helped you wipe off the stray streaks of mascara, and you reapplied just a bit of makeup to make yourself feel better. You were never sure what Reeves said to the photographer before the shots, but he seemed quite happy to take multiples. Reeves stayed pressed against your back with his arms down around your waist, hands clasped together in front of you, for each and every one.

At some point between the second and third shot, he leaned just a little closer into you and you suddenly felt his breath against your ear. “Like what you see?”

For maybe the first time that entire night, your face broke into a genuine smile. “Maybe.”

For a few minutes, your night was absolutely perfect.

The Present.

It was the greatest date that never was.

“No, Reeves was not my prom date,” you told your friends with a shake of your head.

You left out most of the other details, partly because you didn’t want to answer eight hundred questions from Vanessa and partly because, well, you just wanted those moments for yourself.

After the pictures, Reeves had asked if you would like to dance. Until then you didn’t realize it was possible for eyebrows to shoot that far up a person’s forehead, but yours were up for the challenge. You’d mumbled something about if Randie would mind, because you were sure she absolutely would, but he brushed it off. Randie had gone off with her friends when he came to find you, and he really wanted to dance with you, just one dance with his frog murder accomplice. And he said that with a straight face and a twinkle in his eye and there was no way you could refuse.

As if there was any way you’d say no.

One dance turned into two, and then several, until the girlfriend in question finally did show back up and Reeves was pulled away, leaving you with a soft smile and a mouthed “sorry”.

Definitely the greatest never-date.

After prom, life returned to what vaguely resembled normal. Your love life sucked and Reeves still had a girlfriend that wasn’t you, and you didn’t see him much. To be fair, the end of senior year and graduation did creep up pretty fast so there wasn’t a lot of time anyway. Graduation was there before you knew it; he cheered for you and you cheered for him as you each walked across the stage. You made brief appearances at each others’ graduation parties and talked a bit and then, once again before you knew what happened next, it was time to leave for college.

You went back to New York. Reeves stayed on the west coast.

And over the years, like so many other people before you and after you, you just fell out of touch.

“And anyway,” you asserted, “we were just kind of friends. Yeah, like I told Alexis before, we were lab partners sophomore year, and we hung out sometimes, but that was it. Really.”

Alexis snorted and Vanessa narrowed her eyes. “Mmmhmm.”

You threw the pillow back at her. “Mmmhmm.”

“All right, you two,” Alexis chided. “Come on, let’s get going.”

Somehow, you managed to get down to Greenwich Village without further interrogation and minimal shenanigans.

The Present. One Hour Later. Another Saturday Night.

The bar inside the club was pretty packed. Granted, it was a Saturday night down in The Village, so it wasn’t too uncommon, but you were honestly surprised that this many people showed up for a punk retrospective.

There were a few other relatively big-name acts you recognized on the bill, and a fair number of people were wearing t-shirts with Reeves’s most recent album cover on the front. There were even a few that had shirts with his face on it, which was frankly kind of weird.

“Looks like you’re not his only number one fan,” Vanessa smirked.

“I just enjoy his music,” you said off-handedly as you tried to flag down a bartender. “But anyway, tonight isn’t even about him. We’re just here to support charity, right?”

Alexis pretended to agree with you. “Right.”

You glared at both of them before turning your attention back to the bar. Yes, you came to every one of his shows in the area. When you had time. When you could take the night off. When you could rearrange your schedule and switch shifts at the last minute and promise favors to be able to attend them. When you maybe once or twice just called out sick because nothing else worked. So what.

They were really starting to get on your nerves. 

The bartender finally noticed you and took your order, and you looked around the club again while you waited.

Lots of people, ranging from just-allowed-to-buy-booze to mid-sixties businessmen. A few folks that looked to currently be in their golden years but were clearly once punks in their prime. Many people in black and chains and mohawks and neon hair and piercings, to the point where you honestly couldn’t tell who was a performer and who was a patron.

The one person you were looking for was the one that you couldn’t pick out of the crowd.

“He’s gotta be here somewhere!” Vanessa’s voice shouted from somewhere behind your shoulder.

“Vanessa, you’re getting a little weird about this,” you called back as you grabbed your drink and turned around.

“Like what you see?”

Eyes wide and mouth slightly hanging open, you almost dropped your full glass.

Vaguely, nearby, you heard the sound of glass shattering and shot a glance to your left. Alexis really had dropped her drink, and Vanessa was clutching onto her arm for dear life. She was holding her glass at a slightly odd angle and the contents were dripping onto one of her shoes.

The crowd silently pulsed backwards as one, clearing out around the four of you for a respectable distance. Several people watched curiously; surprisingly, they just stood back and stared instead of trying to get involved.

Reason Number One why you really couldn’t blame them: Reeves stood there, right in front of you. Literally less than two feet away, looking right at you. His mouth pulled up into his familiar lopsided grin, his hair still dark but shot through with strands of silver, curly on the top and shorter on the sides. His nose with the little dent, perfect on his face under those dark, luminous brown eyes and...holy shit, was he wearing eyeliner? He was wearing eyeliner.

Reason Number Two why you really couldn’t blame them: Leather pants. Under his old, faded t-shirt and black leather jacket (you were used to seeing him in brown, but you had to admit the black looked good) he was wearing leather pants.

Reason Number Three why you really couldn’t blame them: Quite simply, Reeves was standing in the middle of a bar in New York City and he was talking to you.

You blinked once, then twice. You may have blinked more times but all you could think about was the fact that, after all these years, your brain still couldn’t make words when Reeves asked you a question.

That same old question.

Suddenly you were grinning back, completely ignoring your friends and their dumbfounded squawking and sputtering next to you. You were smiling because even though your brain couldn’t make full sentences of words, it could pull one particular word out of the void and let it come out past your lips.

“Maybe.”

Reeves grinned fully now, his eyes lighting up and the crinkles at the corners deepening.

Someone - maybe Vanessa, maybe a total stranger, you couldn’t be sure - might have swooned from the sidelines.

“Always told you I wanted to come to New York,” he said.

“Always told you I’d go back.”

And the next thing you knew, the next thing that made any sense anywhere in your mind, was that Reeves had stepped forward, wrapped his arms around you, and placed the softest, sweetest, most heart-achingly gentle kiss on your lips.

You pulled away in a daze, felt the heat rising in your cheeks, as you heard a muffled choking sound halfway behind you. Definitely Vanessa.

Alexis and Vanessa’s eyes, already bugging out of their faces, nearly fell out of their sockets when Reeves turned to address them.

“Hey, ladies. I’ll come talk to you after the show, but for now, I just need to borrow your friend for a few minutes, okay?”

There were somehow still more bizarre, mostly inhuman noises that came out of your friends and even later, when they’d deny ever acting like that in front of a famous rock star (and rolled their eyes at you when you corrected them that he was a musician, not a rock star), it wouldn’t matter because you weren’t paying a single bit of attention to them them anyway.

You only had eyes for one person.

He took your hand and pulled you past the bar, into a little room in the back; the office, presumably. The second you were both inside, he wrapped his arms around your waist and looked you in the eyes. He just stared for a few minutes, or maybe hours, you weren’t sure.

It really didn’t matter.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?” he whispered.

“Third day of school, fourth period biology class, sophomore year?”

Reeves smiled softly. “The second you walked in that door.”

“Why didn’t you?” you tilted your head to look at him. Okay, to gaze into his eyes. You tilted your head to gaze into his eyes and your subconscious hoped to any gods that would listen that you did not have actual hearts or stars in your pupils.

Not that it really mattered.

His arms never left you but he gave a little shrug. “Never seemed to be the right time. And then I had a girlfriend.”

“Yeah,” you laughed. “And I ended up with that lame excuse for a boyfriend. But do you know how long I’ve wanted you to do that?”

“When you couldn’t stop staring at me when you sat down at the lab table next to me?”

“Hmmm, maybe. But definitely when you told the teacher we had to have a funeral for Lenny.”

“Hey, Lenny was a fuckin’ hero,” Reeves batted his eyes at you innocently. “He performed a brave and great service to his country.”

“I am oddly happy you’re still an idiot,” you giggled.

“I’m ecstatic that you kept coming to all my shows in the city.”

You pulled back slightly and looked at the ceiling. “You noticed?”

Reeves gave you that look. That look he always gave you, when you were teenagers, when you said something either completely ridiculous or completely profound. That look he gave you when he thought you might not be looking, even though you were always looking. That look that said he always had your back and you were his best friend. That look that you thought you’d be lucky to see one more time but probably never would.

That look.

“Of course I noticed. I thought about having security make you stay back, but that’s just...no. You always looked happy, and I don’t know...I just didn’t want to intrude, I guess? Just always wondered why you never stuck around after the shows, never stayed to talk to me, never came knocking on the dressing room door.”

You thought about that for a minute. You really did try, but you couldn’t come up with a decent answer. You were happy. Just seeing him was enough, you told yourself. Just hearing him sing was enough, just being in the same room with him, just being near. Just like it was back in high school.

Only it wasn’t high school anymore, and now that he’d finally, finally - after years of would’ve and should’ve and maybes - kissed you, you knew enough wasn’t going to be, well, enough.

So that’s what you told him.

And Reeves pulled you close, leaned in closer, and kissed you again.

You pulled apart, breathless again, and rested your foreheads together.

After minutes, or maybe days, or maybe hours, and definitely years - it didn’t really matter - Reeves was there. You were there. And for once, you were really there together.

“Like what you see?”

“...definitely.”

The Future. Any Day. Every Day.

You always thought, and your friends always said, that the best years of your life happened in high school. And to a certain extent, that was true and you believed in that notion for a very long time.

But ever since that night, that one glorious night in a Manhattan bar, you realized you were wrong.

The best years of your life were still happening.

~end~

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