#i do feel like. there's? some pressure? well-meaning and incredibly kind to be clear! but i do.

[muirmarie]

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[lunajay33]

The Only One🩵Part.5

Summary: Y/n is from the forest but when she was a teenager she felt too much pressure and left her tribe and found shelter with the Metkayina where she meets Tonowari, the future chief! What will happen between them?

Pairing: Young Tonowari x Omitacaya f! Reader

Part.4

•Masterlist•

It was any day now and I'll have my baby, Tonowari has been helping me feel more confident about become a mom, it's been helping and I've felt more connected to the baby

It's been kicking a lot more lately telling me it's gonna be soon, it's a lot more active

"Tonowari im feeling a bit stif, im gonna go for a walk" I said as I kissed him

"I'll come with you"

"No my love it okay, you have things to do plus I'll stay close to the others"

"Okay but if something happens call out to me okay"

"Okay I promise!" I walked down the beach on the shore so the water could cool me down

"Hey! Y/n!" I heard as I turn around and saw Tonowari's father near the fishing nets

"Hello sir is there something you need?!" I asked as I held my belly walking up to him

"Just wanted to know how you were doing, after all you are carrying my grandchild" he said excited he was just like Tonowari

"I'm doing well, they're a little kicker that's for sure, they've been moving like crazy"

"I can't wait, I'm glad you came here, you've really turned my son into a great man"

Those words just warmed my heart

"Thank you sir, you don't know how much that means to me" I said tearing up

"Oh don't cry sweetie, you know you're family now, you're one of the people" he said as he leaned down and gave me a gentle hug

"Now where is my son at, has he left you all alone?"

"Oh no I was just wanting to stretch my legs so I told him to go about his day!"

"I see, we'll if you need anything please don't hesitate come to me"

"Okay thank you" I said as I continued on with my walk

It was calm on the beach today, peaceful, I couldn't help feel better, knowing that I have a family now

I looked out on the water seeing some Tulkun swimming around, they were so incredible to me, like nothing I've ever seen before

I got in the cool water and stayed afloat on my back, watching the clouds float by, I don't know how long I stayed like this, hours maybe but that all stopped when I felt a huge pressure release

I quickly made my way back to the beach looking for someone I knew when I got another huge pain in my belly and I knew this was it, my baby was coming

I leaned against a near by rock for support as I tried to breathe through the pain

"TONOWARI!" I screamed hoping he would hear me and sure enough when I looked up I could see him frantically running to me

"What is it baby, what's wrong?" He asked panicked

"The baby.....it's coming"

He softly picked me up and ran me to his mother

"Mother its time" he said as he laid me down on a mat

I tried to clear my head and just breathe

"Here eat some of these they will help with the pain" she said as she fed me some kind of berries

"Tonowari please sit behind me" i said and he quickly sat behind me pulling my back against his chest and placed both his legs on the side of me

"Everything will be okay my love, remember you are strong" he whispered to me

"Are you ready?" His mother asked

"As ready as I'll ever be"

It was so painful but thanks to the berries Tonowari kept feeding me it subsided and after about an hour I finally heard a cry

"A baby boy" she said as she placed him on my chest

"He's beautiful, he looks like a perfect mix of us Angel" Tonowari said as he looked over my shoulder

"My beautiful boy, Ao'nung, I think that's what we should name him" i said mesmerized

"It's perfect"

It's been about a month since I gave birth to my beautiful Ao'nung, he was the most adorable baby I've ever seen and I couldn't bare to be away from him for a long time

I was resting up against the wall of our pod, cradling Ao'nung on my arms as he fed, it was hard adjusting to and it was painful at times but I'd go through anything to make sure he was happy and healthy

"My Angel are you here?" I heard Tonowari whisper

"I'm in here"

He walked in and smiled instantly at the scene infront of him

"He is a hungry boy, didn't you just fed him?" He asked ad he came and sat next to me

"Ya he's just like you, your mother told me you wanted to drink all the time and that's how you grew so big" I said smiling weakly up at him

"You need to make sure you're getting enough food too especially if he is drinking more or else you're going to grow weaker, I'll make sure you're well taken care of" he said as he placed a kiss against cheek

"I know it's just, I can't even think of anything when I'm with him let alone food, I'm scared that if I take my eyes off of him for even a second something might happen"

"Mother said that's only because you're a new mom, it's healthy to get some alone time to recharge" he said as he brushed his hand over Ao'nung

"How? you have duties to fulfill and I can't leave him with just any clan member, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet, he's still so fragile" I said as I laid him on the little bed beside me since he had fallen asleep

"That's okay my love, I'll just take care of you myself in the mean time, now since he's asleep how about you get some rest too and when you wake I'll have dinner ready"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes my love now sleep I'll be here when you wake"

Ao'nung was growing so much and it honestly upset me, so I made sure to spend as much time with him, especially since he was growing so fast

"Come here baby" I said excited as Ao'nung wobbled on his feet trying to walk over to me

"Mama!" He babbled as he finally made it to me, squealing in excitement

I swooped him up and rocked him in my arms

"Such a good boy, awe my little sunshine"

"Angel! I'm back!" Tonowari said as he walked through the entrance spotting me and my bundle of joy

"Hi my love!" I said as I leaned up and placed a kiss to his cheek

"How's my boy!"

"He's great, he's been babbling and waddling  around all morning, he's getting big and strong just like his dad"

"I was talking to my mother and father and they said they would love to watch over Ao'nung tonight so we can spend some more time together"

"But I want him here with us" I whined

"Ya me too but, I barely get alone time with you anymore, I miss you" he said as he got quieter

"awe baby I'm sorry, I'll go drop him off and then I'll be all yours" I said giving him one last kiss before dropping my little boy off

"I'm so happy to have a little sleepover with my grandson, thank you for allowing him over!" Tonowari's dad said

"Of course! Even though I hate letting him go I love that he has grandparents who want to spend time with him!"

Once I knew he was settled in and safe I quickly made my way back to our home

"Baby! I'm all yours!" I called out

Next thing I knew I was being lifted off my feet and laid down on our bed, Tonowari hovering over me

"I missed being with you my Angel" he said as he placed a million kisses all over my face

"I'm sorry I made you jealous"

"What? Jealous? Of my own son, preposterous"  he exclaimed dramatically

"I can tell you are but you know I still love you dearly right?" I said as I dragged my hands through his hair

"I know, and maybe you're right I may get jealous but only because I'm used to you giving all you love to me"

"I know but I have enough for both of my boys, trust me"

Timeskip~

Today is aonungs first birthday, I couldn't believe my little boy was already 1 year old, the village was having a celebration for him and he was so excited as he stumbled around with the other kids

It made me tear up seeing how fast he was growing

I felt arms wrap around my stomach and he rested his chin on the top of my head

"How're you feeling my Angel?" He asked as he rubbed my growing belly bump

"I'm alright, I just hate seeing him grow so fast, he's my baby boy, why can't he just stay like it" I said as tears fell down my cheeks

"Oh my love, I know it's hard but he will always be our boy, we still have so much time left with him, plus we'll have a new little baby soon and it'll feel like a new start again" he said placing a bunch of kissing on my cheeks

I couldn't stay sad when he was with me

"I love you so much"

"I love you to beautiful"

"Mommy mommy, I want up" Ao'nung said as he pulled on my leg

"Don't you wanna play with your friends?" I asked as I kneeled down

"Not right now I wanna be with you" he said pouting

"Okay sweetie hop on" I said as I turned around so he could climb on my back

He climbed on and wrapped his little arms around my shoulders and Tonowari helped me stand back up

"How are you liking your birthday son?" Tonowari asked as we all walked further down the beach for privacy

"It's fun all the other kids wished me happy birthday and grandma and grandpa gave me a new necklace" he said as he showed off his blue beaded seashell necklace around his neck

"Awe its so pretty, I'm glad you're enjoying your birthday my sweet boy, my and your dad actually have a gift for you too!" I said as Tonowari took him and placed him on the ground

We all sat down, Ao'nung in Tonowari's lap

"What did you get me mama?" He asked super excited

I went into my little side pouch and pulled out the beaded hair piece I made for him

"Wow, where do I put it?"

Tonowari took it and wrapped it around Aonungs bun, it was adorable

"There you go!"

He got up and ran over to see it through the reflection of the water

"Mama I love it thank you!" He said hugging me close

"You're welcome baby, you're the sweetest you're gonna be the best big brother!" I said kissing his cheek

"I can't wait to meet them, is it a boy or girl?" He asked kneeling down as he rubbed my belly

"We won't know until they are born son"

"I'll be the best brother I can, I'll protect them with my life, I'll be like a warrior just like you dad!"

He was just the cutest little boy ever and I couldn't wait to see him with a little sibling

Tonowari was out fishing and helping his father with the people today and me and my little boy, Ao'nung were in our pod today relaxing

I knew my baby was coming soon, my belly was feeling tighter and I felt more pressure on my belly and my lower back

And Ao'nung was being the best son, he decided to stay in with me today instead of going out and playing with his friend Rotxo

"Baby don't you wanna go out and play today?" I asked as he took out his little paints

"No mama, I wanna be with you, to help and what if you're alone and the baby comes, I'll be here to help and be a strong big brother"

"I love you my boy, you're so kind, thank you"

He grabbed a cup of water and sat back infront of me, Tonowari brought home rocks for Ao'nung where he could scratch the rock, add a bit of water and have natural paint, and since this discovery, Ao'nung loves to paint my belly

He started finger paint little flowers along my belly, smiling as he did so

"I want to meet them mama! I wanna show you and dad how good I'll be with them"

"Baby you know me and dad already think you're an amazing son, that's why we know you're going to be a great big brother, don't worry your little head" I said placing a kiss to the top of his head

"Okay, I believe you, and there you belly is done, can I paint your arms too?"

"Of course"

The day continued and I was fully painted in cute little flowers, Ao'nung was very proud, we were down by the water, dipping our toes in, i held his hand and he loved jumping around

"I wanna see papa! I want him here with us!" He giggled

"Okay let's go find him, maybe he's down the beach with grandpa" we continued walking and noticed their tall figures

"Look there they are, go see them!" I said knowing he wanted to run ahead

I saw him scurry off and it filled me with joy

"Papa!!" He yells out

Tonowari perks up and his tall starts swaying when he sees me and Ao'nung, he leans down and swoops him up

I finally reached them and they were all smiling

"Look papa, mama let me paint her all over, doesn't she look pretty!" Ao'nung says as he curls into Tonowari's chest

"She looks beautiful! Did you and mama have fun today?"

"Oh ya I helped her make food and made sure she ate a bunch so the baby grows strong too!"

"I'm very proud of you son"

After finding Tonowari on the beach we all made our way back home with Ao'nung on his shoulders pulling on his hair

As we were walking I felt that pressure release and water starts running down my legs

"Aaahhh, Tonowari!" I gasp

"What is it love?" He asks frantic when he sees my expression

"The babies coming"

He sets down Ao'nung and picks me up, I look down and see him holding onto his papas tail and Tonowari quickly made his way to his mother, the Tsahik

"The baby is coming please sooth her" he said as he laid me down in his parents pod

He sat behind me while Ao'nung quickly sat neck to me holding my hand

"Mama are you okay?" He asked scared

"I'm gonna be fine my son, your little sibling is coming!" I said trying not to scare him

"How about grandpa take you to the back of the pod and you guys can play while me and mama wait for the baby" Tonowari said

"But I don't wanna leave her, I'm her strong soldier, and I promised to protect the baby" he said scrunching his face trying to look tough but it was so adorable

"Okay you can stay, how about you help grandma get things ready!" He quickly hopped up and went to help

"Are you ready my love? We're gonna have a new little baby" he said excited

"I'm scared" I whispered

"Why Angel? You're so strong and last time you did amazing!" He said rubbing my hair back

"What if it's too much this time" I said trying to breathe through the pain

"Don't say such things, we are all here with you, Eywa is with you, I know you can do this!"

"Okay, you're right, I can do this" I encouraged myself

Hours later~

After hours of excruciating pain it was finally over, and now I was holding my beautiful little girl, see had the same skin color as Tonowari and Ao'nung but had my yellow eyes

"She's beautiful, thank you my love" Tonowari said as he was still sat behind me, rubbing his fingers over her

That's when Ao'nung came out and raced over to our side

"Mama! Are you okay now?" He asked pushing my hair out of my eyes

"I'm okay love, meet your new baby sister!" I said leaning over on my side so he could see her

He was beyond shocked, he leaned close running his little hand over her face, down until he was holding her hand

"She's so cute mama!"

"Do you wanna name her?" I asked smiling at the scene

"Really! How about baby Tsireya!"

"It's perfect son!" Tonowari said proud

This was perfect, everything I've always wanted right here with me

Taglist: @hvroldtime @zoexme

[monarch-of-jack]

I might be the only one here. But the reason I feel conflicted when I see people shipping and sexualizing Aspec characters, is because I don't trust most of you to be respectful about it. Not to mention some of you straight up arent.

Yes, Aspecs are an incredibly diverse group of people. I KNOW. I've been in their circles for well over 10 years. But do you all really care about that?

If you don't, then you're really just using it as an excuse to ignore their identities.

Let me make it very clear that I support exploring ALL the nuanced ways that someone can be Aspec. We are so much more varied than just sex-repulsed Aces and romance-repulsed Aros. (Though those are still valid experiences, don't shit on them!)

There are Allosexual Aromantics. There are Alloromantic Asexuals. Aspecs in Queerplatonic Relationships. Grey-Aspecs, Demi-Aspecs, Oriented AroAces, Cupio-, Flux-, Lith-, Fray-, Recipro- Aego-, and a million other types of Aspecs. It's a huge spectrum.

And orientation doesn't equal action. There are sex/romance favorable Aspecs. There are kinky & kink favorable Aspecs. Aces that have and have had sex for whatever reason. Aros that are and have been in romantic relationships for whatever reason. Maybe they felt pressured. Maybe they were experimenting. Maybe they were still finding themselves. Maybe they were forced. Maybe they do it for their partner. Maybe they do it for money or their image. Maybe they just like it despite lacking attraction. Aspecs are people. They are all different and all equally valid in how they live their lives.

A character being Aspec literally just means they're lacking attraction in one way or another. So there's still endless possibilities in creating canon and fanon for them.

But are most of you really shipping characters like Alastor, Peridot, Jughead and co. as Aspecs, or are you looking for excuses to disregard their identity?

Have you actually educated yourself about their identities so you can portrait them accurately and respectfully? Are you infantilizing and patronizing them or make them act stupid? Do you make them pitiful, antisocial, or 'difficult to deal with'? Are you arguing with Aspec people when they point out something is problematic? Are you accepting input from Aspec people? Do you explain that you're shipping/sexualizing that Aspec character because of your specific headcanon or AU? Do you get angry if you have to clarify that after the fact? If you as an Allo, ship or sexualize Aspec characters, do you really do it with them still being Aspec?

The thing is, you can. But a lot of you don't. And that's why Aspec people react defensifely.

We have little to no representation in the media as it is. And yet you're annoyed when we ask you not to diminish or erase their identities.

I want to see Aspecs in all kinds of situations and with all sorts of preferences. But way too many of you are ready to shit on Aspec identities to get your fanon out.

I could go on for days about this. But the fact that some of you will get angy that I even made this post is exactly what I'm talking about.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Thoughts on the John Sugden of it all...

I'm still just mostly amused that they're attempting this at all. And I'm very glad my automatic reaction to it wasn't panic and dread the way it was when Ben was announced. Yay distance! Haha.

That said, I just feel like this is all going to fail spectacularly.

It's still really clear that they wanted Robert back but couldn't get Ryan. There's no way this story would be happening as it is otherwise.

I feel like people getting their hopes up that this means Robert will also return soon are probably going to get disappointed again. Never say never and all, but I don't think they would be doing this story the way they're doing it if they had Robert returning as a goal. There's just no reason.

The fact that anyone could think that the reason Robron worked was just because it was a Sugden and a Dingle is honestly just kind of comical. It worked because they were both characters with such a rich on screen history on the show and all of that respective history and the characters it created happened to mesh and clash in really interesting ways that they honestly just kind of lucked into. So much of Robron was luck and felt organic and any time they try and force a version of it, it never works the same way because it was such a fluke.

And while any love interest of Aaron's is going to have a majorly uphill battle in finding any acceptance with fans, trying to manufacture a situation like this is really not the way to go about it.

I still feel like if you want a love interest for Aaron to have a prayer of working, that character needs to come in and be well established as a character in his own right. They can't put any immediate romantic pressure on their interactions. It needs to be built as naturally as possible so you can root for it and that requires them to care about both characters in a way that they seem incapable of doing these days.

With this John stuff, you're already at a disadvantage because he's a bit of a Robert clone. I mean with this talk of Jimmy and the haulage too, I half expect John to be behind the missing deliveries or whatever and then end up working there anyway. In any case, they need to establish John as his own character in some fashion. And if they are going to go there with Aaron, which seems inevitable, they need to mention the Robert of it all in a big way. It needs to be brought up. It needs to be discussed. It needs to be a barrier to any potential relationship. Since they're really forcing it with the Sugden connection, they need to really acknowledge how much Robert meant to him and that any relationship with his long lost brother is going to be weird.

I feel like with an unconnected new love interest, they could get away with not really bringing Robert up, but in this instance with John there's no way they can get around that. Which in a way is a good thing because I don't feel like the show or the audience ever really moved on from Robron (unless you're an anti) and so it still feels strange not to bring Robert up if Aaron's going to have a new relationship on screen. It's still the most important relationship he's had and it feels disingenuous to ignore.

I also feel like, while it's very in character for Vic to be pushy about getting John to stay or pushing him at Aaron, they really need to tone that down a bit. I know they're not going to and it's going to once again make her really unlikable. I just feel like you can have her acknowledge her loneliness and isolation from her family without her being quite so over the top and obnoxious about it. Or at least acknowledge it in story that she's being too much and then scale her back. But again, that would require them understanding their characters instead of just using them for plot.

Vic also needs to acknowledge the Robert of it all both in the brother sense, along with Andy, and in the Robron sense if she does push John at Aaron.

I don't know. I feel like there's this incredibly slim chance of a version where this could all almost work if they did it properly but they absolutely won't so I expect it to be terrible. I just don't feel like I'm going to be as hurt by it as I was in the past and that's good.

[letteredlettered]

Hi!! Have you ever struggled with burnout, depression, or overwork? Currently in my first job post college and it’s been very intense as we are currently like 3 people doing the work of a team designed for 7 people (two roles they are working to fill and two people are out on leave -> one is out on vacation and the other on parental leave). Have spent many ours on overtime (around two days a week I usually sleep five or six hours and spend a few more hours working —> other days I work a bit less but still some overtime) for the last few months. It’s really hard to decompress and stop thinking about work as I work remotely. I need to get better at setting limits and advocating for myself but I think one issue I’ve been dealing with is getting caught in a cycle of having a lot so having not a lot of time to do an analysis of like what needs to change and this is my bandwidth. Also it’s hard to predict bandwidth sometimes because I’m still very new to this industry and department, so I’m still learning how much coordination is necessary to get something done. Another problem is that everyone is stretched to their limit and extremely busy, so I feel kind of bad rejecting projects. I think an issue is that I also have relatively low self-esteem and confidence but a deep desire to be “good” from like an academic perspective and a work perspective, and the main leader of my team is someone who I like a lot and appreciates what I do, so I keep trying to do more or at least meet expectations. I also receive assignments from different people (five people total, usually), so people generally don’t have visibility as to my bandwidth unless I speak up. One person in particular gave me a lot of assignments with a good deal of time pressure and was the person that I was working the closest with —> still trying to catch up to some of the more evergreen projects I had with him because the other projects I’ve had in the last two months have even way too intense to do anything else. I’m really grateful for this job and I like a lot of the people I work with, but I’m kind of struggling.

I mention all of this because I really respect the way you are able to commit to creative projects and create incredible works and really focus on making something. I’ve never really had an ability to stick to a creative project or hobby for an extended period of time —> frequently I disappoint myself in my lack of consistency or follow-through for a lot of my personal goals. I also really appreciate the way that you engage with certain themes in your work and value your perspective. So just kind of curious if you’ve been through this before or have any thoughts about this sort of thing

I've thought a lot about what to tell you here.

What anyone would recommend is that you set boundaries and take care of yourself. They'd say that your well-being is more important than your work. If they read your ask carefully they'd realize that maybe your performance in this job is connected to your well-being in your mind. If they're looking at the strings that control the system they're going to tell you capitalism has brainwashed us into thinking that we should sacrifice our health for the sake of production, and then they'll tell you you should do what you can to break out of the capitalist mentality. If they're not excited about seizing the means of production then their in-universe advice (in-the-capitalist-universe advice) is going to point out that you cannot produce more for the capitalist machine if you're burnt out (I'd call these people the neoliberals of tumblr but I'm not sure that exists; I haven't seen it).

But none of that is really addressing the problem here, because you already know all of that, or if you don't know it, knowing that isn't going to help you. You don't need to be told to set boundaries. You know you accept too many projects; you know that you haven't been clear with your colleagues about your bandwidth. You know you're trying too hard to please others and that part of the reason is you have a low self-esteem.

Something that people don't talk about enough is how bad it feels to set boundaries. When people advise others to "set boundaries" it's always as if it's never occurred to anyone else to stand up for themselves. The problem is that it usually has occurred to us, but it's hard to do and feels bad. Hearing "stand up for yourself!" repeatedly can sometimes help us feel like we did the right thing when we do manage to stand up for ourselves, but it can just as often make you feel even worse when you can't stand up for yourself. You're being overworked and you're not doing the thing that everyone tells you you should do.

And another thing that people do not talk about enough is that most workplaces do not like employees who set boundaries for themselves. They like people who say yes. You often won't get in trouble for setting reasonable limits for yourself, but you won't advance. The ones who work late and work on weekends and take on every project and say nothing about bandwidth are usually the ones who get promoted. I'm not saying this because it's right or okay. It's another flaw in the capitalist system. But it is very often true, and I've been a little frustrated that in all these glorious discussions about boundary-setting, this is not something that gets talked about more.

So what to do, when you know the answers, but it doesn't feel great, and might not get you where you want to go?

Spend time with your feelings. A lot of time with your feelings. Imagine ways to communicate your bandwidth. Imagine how you would feel in each scenario. Pick scenarios that feel more comfortable and less intimidating for you. Imagine saying no to a new project. Imagine how you would feel doing that. Pick a way of doing it that feels the most manageable.

Think about your colleagues, what you like about them and why. Imagine how they would feel if they knew that you were struggling. Imagine having an honest conversation with them about how hard this is for you. Would they listen open and compassionately? Would they try to make changes that could help you? Or would they say, "We're all going through it," and "there's nothing to be done?" Imagine saying to them, "I know we're all going through this, because of the staffing challenges we're facing," and "I know there's not much to be done about this, but this is how I'm feeling." Would they accept your vulnerability? Would it make you feel bad to be vulnerable in that way? Would it make you feel worse to be vulnerable in that way or to say nothing?

That's not a leading question. Saying nothing is okay. There have been many times where I am facing a problem and I realized that doing nothing was the thing that made me feel best. There were other times when I really didn't want to do something and I knew it would be incredibly hard, but I knew I would feel much better having done it.

Think about your self-esteem and confidence. Why don't you feel confident? When you imagine saying no, and it feels bad, what makes it feel so bad? Is it because other people don't say no? Are you measuring yourself against those other people? How can you stop doing that? Or is it because you feel like a good worker always says yes? Where did you get that idea? Was it an idea communicated to you by people who love you? By society? Are there people who haven't made you feel that your worth as a person was predicated on how much you were able to accomplish? When is the last time you spent time with them? What makes you feel good about yourself? When is the last time you did it? Are there things you can do outside of work to boost your confidence? What are they? Can you do them? Why not? If work is holding you back from doing them, is it worth it?

It's okay if work feels worth it. I'm not endorsing the capitalist machine when I say that it is okay to do something that is really difficult or unpleasant for a certain amount of time to get where you are going. But if that's what you're going to do, then develop a plan of escape. Ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with this. Ask yourself what the next step in your career or life journey is. Ask yourself what you will put up with to get there and what is unacceptable. Write it down if you have to, then try to abide by that, and if you are unable to bear your plan six months down the line, make a new one.

I am fortunate in that these kinds of questions come really naturally to me, and I think they must not come so naturally for a lot of other people. Definitely, there are blocks in my mind; I'm not always able to understand myself or my own feelings; I don't know what's best for myself or how to make myself do things I want. But this kind of thinking is not going to give you immediate answers. Instead, it's going to build the skill of getting to know yourself.

The ultimate question you should be asking is "What will make me happy?" It sounds like a simple question, but it is in fact the most difficult of all. It is the question we struggle with every day, and every book that was ever written, every song that was ever sung, every painting that was ever painted is about that, in the end. The answer to that question is the meaning of life. Most people never find it, but the search is worth it.

It's definitely worth it.

[amaretigris]

Knock-down, Drag-out

Taglist: @luna2034 @mylittlemermaid221 @notagreekgal28 @hopeisrising @freyagallileaevans @justagirlthatlovedtoread @daydreamerwithnohobbies

A/n: There is a trigger warning for this chapter. The reader talks about a call she worked. It sucks but this is actually based on a true story. A previous coworker of mine was an EMT and responded to a call like this. EMTs are heroes guys! ❤️

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Ch. 4 | 1.7k words | Angst

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of head injury/death of a child

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Groaning and throwing your head back in frustration, you felt tears prick your eyes. You were ready to leave. You didn't want to wait. Ariel grimaced, but stayed quiet. She seemed at a loss for words. You weren't directing your anger at her. You knew it wasn't her fault. You'd just had a hell of a day, and your bed was practically calling your name.

You stood there, leaning against the counter with your arms crossed, observing cars exiting the parking lot. You wished you could be doing the same. You huffed a breath.

"Everything alright, (Y/N)?"

Jonah's voice snapped you out of your daze. You turned to see him in a black hoodie and grey sweatpants with his gym bag over his shoulder. You gulped and nodded. You were able to grab your envelope from Ariel now, and Jonah followed you out the double doors.

He got right to the point.

"Whose blood is that?"

You looked down at your shirt.

"Don't worry, it's not mine. We had a bad call today. It was a kid," you cleared your throat as tears welled up.

"God. Are you okay?"

You started to nod your head, staring at the ground, but you shook it instead.

"No. It was hard. The kid hit his head. There was so much blood. He was pronounced dead at the scene," you choked out before the tears spilled over.

You halted your steps and brought your hands to your eyes. You didn't want Jonah to see you cry. The immense stress and pressure from the last week at work, topped off with the events of today, was enough to break the dam.

You sobbed for a moment before you felt strong arms encapsulate you. Jonah pulled you into his chest, settling his chin on your head. He let you sob for a few minutes while he stayed silent. When you started to quiet down, he began gently rubbing your back.

"I know that it's easy for me to say that it's okay, (Y/N), even though you know it's not. Unfortunately, there are things we just can't control. You did your best, and that's what matters. You've had a rough week. I mean, you were just assaulted yourself last weekend. I know it's hard, but you're incredible. You're great at your job, and you better other people's lives. It's okay to sulk and let your feelings out, but when you're done with that, remember to focus on all the good that you do."

Sniffling and leaning into Jonah's chest, you listened to his kind words. You didn't want to leave his embrace. It felt so comfortable, and almost familiar. Reluctantly pushing yourself back, you pulled some tissue out of your bag to wipe your nose. Great, you were a blubbering mess in front of one of the hottest guys you'd ever seen. Jonah let you clean yourself up, using your arm to guide you the few feet ahead to your car. He ducked his head down to level his eyes with yours.

"Do you feel a little better?"

You nodded.

"Yes. Thank you for saying that Jonah. It means a lot. I love what I do, but it takes a toll. Kind of like what you do, I guess," you laughed.

Jonah shrugged.

"Getting pummeled is easier than that any day," he admitted.

"At least your work actually means something."

You looked up at his kind blue eyes.

"You inspire people. That means something."

Jonah chuckled.

"Yeah, well, I don't know about all that."

"Then why do you do it?"

Jonah looked from side to side at your question, like he was seeing who all was around.

"I don't usually tell people up here," he scrubbed the back of his neck.

"Why not?"

"Because," he sighed.

"I don't want them to pity me or look at me like I'm some charity case," he shoved his hands into his hoodie.

You took a step toward him, delicately placing your hand on his jacket sleeve.

"It's okay, you can tell me," you whispered.

Jonah huffed a breath and crossed his arms over his chest. The move almost looked defensive to you as you withdrew your hand.

"My mom's sick. Her treatments and medication are very expensive. Her health insurance recently dropped her because of it. So I do fights here on the weekends, and overtime at my regular job to scrounge up some extra money."

You nodded, holding his gaze.

"I'm sorry. I know that must be hard."

Jonah shook his head and looked down.

"Don't do that. Don't pity me."

Your hand found his arm again and you urged him to look at you. His blue orbs reluctantly pulled back up to yours.

"I don't pity you. I'm showing you the same kindness you showed me. I lost my father when I was young. It's not easy, and some people don't understand that kind of pain, but death is a natural part of life. As much as we hate it, and as unfair as it can be. You're putting in the effort while your mom's still here, and that means more to her than you know. Most people don't care until it's too late."

Jonah loosened his arms, and let his mouth fall open. He approached you, stepping you back until you were against your car.

"God. There's something about you, (Y/N)," he reached his hand up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"I can't put my finger on it. You're just different."

His eyes landed on your lips, and you licked them nervously.

"So are you. I don't think you fit into the stereotypical cage fighter persona."

Jonah smiled, the motion drawing your gaze. He paused for a moment, like he was making a decision. Reaching past you, he opened up your car door.

"Go home and get some rest, (Y/N). You've earned it."

You blinked back up at Jonah, and smiled back at him.

"Thanks. I'll see you next weekend," you said as you swooped under Jonah's arm to throw your bag in your car, and climb in.

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For the next month, you were a little too excited to return to the arena every weekend. You told yourself that it was because you were becoming more familiar with the place and making friends; but in the back of your mind, you knew that was bullshit.

Every Saturday night, you waited at the front desk for Jonah to walk you to your car. You learned that his regular job was at a fitness center where he was an Exercise Physiologist. Jonah grew up watching fighting on tv with his father, before he up and left Jonah and his mother. He didn't seem too beat up about that. Jonah naturally gravitated towards fighting as a form of stress relief in high school, and eventually got to the level he's at now.

Jonah asked about your hobbies and interests. You told him that you liked art, movies, and concerts, but that you rarely had the time or energy for any of those anymore. Jonah said you should still try to make time for them.

Each Saturday night, you wanted to kiss Jonah. You thought that maybe he wanted to kiss you, too. But each Saturday night, he pulled away. He hadn't initiated anymore physical touch like he did the night you broke down. Perhaps he just knew you really needed it then. You could understand that, but you were still left disappointed all the same.

Was Jonah seeing someone that he wasn't telling you about?

Were you not his type?

Had you misinterpreted his kindness?

Did he think you were too emotional?

All of these questions bounced around in your head when he turned away from you every Saturday night. Driving home to quickly shower, and laying down in your bed, you stared at your ceiling. What was it about this guy? You hadn't been this hung up on a man since you finished college. You'd been too busy focusing on your career. Why, all of a sudden, did you want to make sure to look pretty on Saturdays? Groaning and throwing your arm over your eyes, you willed yourself to sleep.

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The next Saturday night, you stood at the desk waiting for Jonah to come to walk you out. Tapping your fingers in no particular pattern, you were visibly nervous.

"Hey (Y/N), you ready?"

You turned to face Jonah.

"Oh, it's okay. You don't have to walk me every time. I know you probably want to get home, so I asked Seb to tonight."

You reached into your bag, and pulled out a pamphlet.

"Here, I got this from my hospital to give to you. You should look into it," you pressed your lips into a thin line, and avoided eye contact.

You saw Seb at that exact moment, so you slid past Jonah to join him at his side.

"Bye Ariel, see you next weekend," you waved before exiting with Seb.

The walk to your car was quiet. When you reached it, you turned to thank Seb, and climbed in. You had just started your car when a rap on your window almost gave you a heart attack. Pressing your hand to your chest, you rolled it down, and turned to see who the hell startled you. You were met with Jonah's serious expression.

"What was that?"

You pinched your brow.

"What was what?"

Jonah sighed. 

"Why did you want Seb to walk you instead of me?"

Your grip on your steering wheel loosened, and you started to fidget, getting nervous.

"I didn't want him to. I just don't want you to feel obligated to do it every time," you shrugged.

"Is that it?"

You hesitated.

"What do you mean?"

"Is that the only reason?"

You nodded.

"Yes. Well, I mean, yes."

Jonah didn't look convinced.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Your eyes widened.

"No," you waved your hands.

"No, you definitely didn't do anything wrong. It's just that, when you walk me to my car, I like talking to you. I like being around you. I know that you're doing it to be nice, and that it doesn't mean anything. I just don't want to let myself get the wrong idea, if that makes sense," you grimaced, darting your eyes away from his piercing ones.

"Like what?"

Your eyes involuntarily snapped back to him at that.

He reiterated his question.

"You don't want to let yourself get the wrong idea, like what?"

You gulped.

"Like the idea that you might like being around me, too, I guess."

[johnwickb1tsch]

Okay so- random ramble of the day 2.0 that I thought of after a particular conversation I had with @treedaddymcpuffpuff in the comments.

Trigger warning! (It's bordering n0n-c0n, if you're uncomfortable with that, please feel free to skip this)

So what if- John actually does snap first, and it ends up being particularly nasty. (to be honest if either him or the reader do snap at the other at some point, it's going to be wild either way so 😂)

Let's say he caught the reader trying to escape, or maybe her playing with his emotions / emotionally manipulating him, - pulling out the 'i belong to you' card to gain his trust for an example - or maybe they just had an incredibly shitty argument that was prompted by the ever building tension between them, by neither of them willing to compromise much. (elastic band reference says hello again 😂😂)

Now, generally speaking, both John and the reader have shown clear signs of enjoyment when it comes to the more.. dubious kind of consent, and even though John was the one to trigger most of those occasions, I feel like someone with the reader's strong personality and self-respect would've had a much different reaction to it if she wasn't into it.. That being said, so far every time the reader disobeyed him / refused to give in, John ended up leaving us alone, and I think he'd be lying to us and himself if he were to say that it's to torture us even further.. Sure, having yet another denied orgasm added to the list is shitty, and yes, he had tried to isolate us in order to punish us when we tried escaping the first time, (probably not the last time though) but it's becoming ever so slightly clear that he is doing this more for his own sanity's sake, rather than ours, so he doesn't flip out and snap at us.

That being said, his punishments, although cruel, were still much more on the lenient side... But I can't help but think that with the already high pressure on both of them, and an additional problem source might just be enough for him to lose his shit, and thus, punish us, hence where the extremes come in, such as completely tying us up, - he already said he dabbled in shibari, and he's definitely still into it imo, "misspent youth" or not - perhaps gagging us if we get too bratty, giving the reader a good spanking, perhaps some degrading, and most importantly being the selfish bastard we know he can be occasionally, meaning this whole thing will be to.. comfort him? Reassure him? Bring him that sense of security back to know that he is in control, something that we've seen him go to extreme lengths for in all 4 movies..

And considering that we didn't really establish any boundaries yet, seemed to be into it sort of, and even the fact that John might very well lose pretty much all sense of rationality, and go absolutely fucking ham on us, to the point of our lust turning into actual terror.. In which case, a safe word should be used, buuuuuuut- 1) We don't have one yet. And 2) John will probably have us immobile, silenced, face down, ass up, sobbing for him anyways, so in that crazed state of mind, he might not actually realize that he's hurting us, (emotionally I mean. I think he'd be pretty aware of the physical pain 😂) until it's just a little.. a teeeeennnsyyyy tiiiiiinnssyyy little bit toooooo late..

AND MY GOD- Does that open up endless possibilities for us. On one hand, he would definitely be overstepping any and all boundaries, even if we haven't quite established them yet. Could this be the triggering event for the reader to start thinking with her brain instead of her heart and pussy, and actively suppress her urges, her feelings, the love she feels for him despite it all, and perhaps plan her escape?

On the other hand, I feel like John would feel an unbelievable amount of guilt, because despite his previous punishments, and everything he's been doing being morally wrong, he has never quite breached the line of becoming a monster, (in our eyes at least) not to mention that he is very morally grey, so while he may be rational enough to realize how unethical things are and just ignore it, - or have the fear of losing us overpower his sense of justice - (nobody is there to hold him responsible either ey) I know for a fact that he would never want us to doubt his love for us for a second. He wants us to feel cherished, loved, safe, and protected, and while he knows we do not see things that way yet, I feel like he would instantly realize just how much he fucked up.

A part of me feels like his first instinct would be to run away (as per usual), put some distance between us both because he doesn't want to hurt us any further, and because he god damn will be actively self-loathing, self-hating, self-blaming himself for the events.. But I also 100% believe that him seeing the reader teary eyed, spooked out of her mind and clearly hurting would again, overpower his sense of rationality, and just make him wanna comfort us. Physically, verbally, emotionally- Any way he can really. Which again, opens up a plethora of options for us, because he would definitely be a lot more inconsiderate of what may aid us in our escape, and what we could just find simply comforting.

Would it fucking wreck me emotionally if the reader ended up using this to guilt trip him into slipping up and allowing her to escape? Absolutely. Would it be justified? Also abso-fucking-lutely, although god forbid it were to happen because GODS it would be like an avalanche of emotions...

So yes.. Angst. And smut. Thank you @treedaddymcpuffpuff and @johnwickb1tsch for fucking wrecking all of us emotionally 😂(Jk jk, i fucking love you both, you evil geniuses.)

Haha, so word spreads fast that I can't handle noncon. 😬 I literally write a series of books about a vigilante bounty hunter who hunts down vampires who hurt women, so this should not have been a surprise to me. I guess I'm a weenie. Is there such a thing as gray romance, LOL? it might be more my speed.

I'm honestly not sure how to answer this one without spoiling the story I'm trying to tell, so I'm just going to leave it here because you raise some very interesting plot points that I'm sure people will love reading! You have QUITE an imagination and such an acute understanding of character motivation!

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

For the ship game: Leopika and Hisoillu! I don't know your ship taste well so I'm just hitting a couple other big HxH ships hrjfjkjkdlgdfk hope you don't mind

Oh, I don't mind at all, Percy! :)

Hisoillu is... I mean... they are kind of sort of engaged (?) so. Yeah, it makes sense. Also, I can think of no one else in the universe who should be subjected to close proximity with these two on a regular basis hdfhbsdhj. Congrats, you're perfect for each other, just never involve anyone else in what you've got going on ever. Truthfully, I'm kind of indifferent towards it as a ship. It makes sense to me, but it's not something I actively seek out in fanworks I suppose. It's just, yeah, Hisoka and Illumi are together. Happy for them lol. I guess it's mostly because I think murder is their love language and I just... can't see them being romantic with each other in a lot of the more typical ways that characterize many fanworks. Do they want to kill each other, or are they into each other? The answer is both - the murder is an intrinsic aspect of the "being into each other" hdjfbvhd. That said, I think they have a pretty healthy respect for each other, due to probably being evenly matched, I'd say. I think Hisoka genuinely finds Illumi good company, and Illumi readily has fairly casual conversations with Hisoka. Their dynamic is kind of fascinating actually, and I do honestly think they're kind of perfect for each other. Diversity win??? Loss??? I'm honestly not sure lmao

Leopika :') I love the potential for them. Sadly, they don't have all that many interactions in the canon manga, so I would ordinarily say it doesn't make a huge amount of sense, but then we have the 99 anime and the radio skits who seem determined to ship them so hfbgjdhj I have no clue. I'm weird about this ship because I tend to alternate between "yeah they're cute" and "oh god. oh god. them. AAARGGHHH" and experiencing emotional damage hahaha. I am like this with no other ship. It's very strange to me.

The one thing is that I'm extremely picky with Kurapika characterization, in any art or story. If Kurapika doesn't read right to me, I just can't suspend my disbelief. I'm really not big on the "mom and dad" characterization, though no shade to anyone who is.

Peak Leopika dynamic to me takes into account not just Leorio's concern and Kurapika's walls, but also their mutual stubbornness and Kurapika's hilarious tendency to annoy Leorio on purpose. To me, I've always felt that he likes Leorio because he's a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and values individual lives so strongly, so he kind of checks that he hasn't changed that much when they see each other. I think it's kind of relieving for Kurapika, in a way, to know that Leorio will always be himself - "same old Leorio" kind of deal.

I also think Kurapika is just a little shit hjgbvsjdh

But no, I love that Leorio clearly eases up some of the pressure Kurapika feels, and seems to make him feel better about things- that's probably half the reason he keeps him at arms length. I think affectionate bickering is their love language. I also wish people noticed a little more that it's Kurapika who actually seriously initiated friendship between them, not Leorio. In most cases in the Hunter Exam, it was Kurapika approaching Leorio and showing a clear interest in sticking with him and helping him pass and achieve his dream. I think it's incredibly meaningful that one of the first people Kurapika meets and takes a liking to is this guy who wants to become a doctor - the doctor that Kurapika had left in the first place to go looking for. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to see what role Leorio will play in the current arc (just to have more Leorio, honestly, pls Togashi I miss him...), as I'm sure he will eventually find out about Emperor Time and OH BOY I'm sure that will go over well.

Erm. Sorry for rambling. I had a lot to say apparently...

[thelostgirl21]

So, I learned something new about "skinny white men" today, and I wasn't ready!

Basically, there's this video of 3 gay men trying to figure out who the secret bottom is in a group of 5 other gay dudes.

And, around the 1:45 mark, one of them goes:

"I'm going to say that he's a top, only because... I don't know if people know this about skinny white men, they tend to..."

While the other guy is like "I was thinking the same thing..."

And the one in the middle is confused going "What?"

And I'm right there with him, because the very moment they said "skinny white men" my mind immediately went to this character:

And now, it's clear that I've absolutely got to know why they think "skinny white men" tend to make especially great top material, apparently. For headcanons science, you know?

And I have no idea what I was expecting (if you want to listen to the episode before I spoil the answer for you, go watch it now)...

...but skinny white men having such long dicks that it's like extra appendages wasn't it!

And then, them appreciatively going "there's something good under there" while more or less hoping that he's a top, so he can put it to use more often, just about killed me!

Later, around the 6:35 mark, when they are asking him about what his favorite positions are, he's also the only one that answers "laying down doggy style" (and actually has to explain what that means).

"Laying down doggy style" (also called "flat doggy style") has a few variations but, in the way he's explaining it (i.e. completely lying down on top of his partner), it reduces the depth of penetration, and apparently some bottoms love it, because the weight of their partner on top of them basically feels like they have this warm, comforting, "heavy blanket" covering them during sex.

So it's... actually a very good choice for someone who enjoys topping, has a really long dick (therefore losing some penetration depth won't be an issue) and who is skinny enough that they can fully lie down on top of their partner without crushing them under their weight!

So... while he never confirmed if what they said about "skinny white men" was true, let's just say that his answer is suspiciously compatible with the stereotype!

And now, I've apparently decided that "Yup! Radovid is going to totally fit that skinny white man stereotype, too!", because I really can't help but think that it would be kind of one of the most perfect sexual positions for Radovid and Jaskier!

Assuming, of course, that Jaskier enjoys bottoming (my headcanon is that he does, although more as a verse than as a strict bottom... I'd tend to really see Radovid as a verse, too), having Radovid's full (or near full) weight on top of him while they are having sex, with Radovid being able to nibble on his ears, kiss his neck, fully embrace him, bodies flush against each others, and being extra cuddly and affectionate is definitely something I could see them both doing and greatly enjoying.

And yeah, it does nicely tie into my "Jaskier has ADHD" headcanon, because as someone with ADHD myself, I'm literally obsessed about the sensation of being "squished", and respond extremely well to deep pressure therapy/stimulation (I recently discovered a 15 lbs open weave knit weighted blanket that I use every night to fall and stay asleep, and wonder how I've ever been able to manage without it!).

This article about ADHD love languages has a very nice way of phrasing it:

Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body—Physical Touch ‘Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body’ is often better known as applying deep pressure.  Techniques like deep-pressure hugs can often be incredibly soothing, instilling feelings of security, comfort, and safety in a loved one. What it means to someone neurodivergent: Although deep pressure is not only for neurospicy folks, they tend to enjoy and need it more than neurotypical people. The deep pressure from a tight hug, a weighted blanket, etc., helps produce feel-good hormones, such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, and decreases stress hormones like cortisol.

And with everything they've both been through and seen, I've no doubts that Jaskier and Radovid likely both suffer from some form of PTSD.

And maybe there are nights where Jaskier has a particularly hard time falling asleep, and/or keeps waking up because he's having nightmares, and they've discovered that having Radovid affectionately make love to him in that position really helps soothe Jaskier's nervous system, helps him relax, and simply floods his body with "love" and "feel good" hormones, so he's then able to actually fall asleep and spend a good night.

Of course, they likely wouldn't know the whole science behind why it's working, but they'd be able to observe the effects it has on Jaskier.

And given how Jaskier's body looks physically "cushier" than Radovid's, I'm guessing that Radovid would be much more comfortable and happier being the one lying down on top of him in those moments, too.

Like if the boys are going to go for the suspended congress position, I'd fully expect Jaskier to do the lifting and topping!

But if they're going flat doggy style, Radovid just might be Jaskier's perfect top!

[scary-grace]

your fic "Kairos" is one of the things that keeps me alive in a quite depressing part of my life and I just want to thank you for such dedication on it because so far it has been *chef's kiss*.

i love how the characters interact and the fact that in the latest chapter Thorin, Dis, Kili, Fili and Bilbo appeared was a pleasant surprise. I genuinely wish for a bond such as the one you created between Bard and Thranduil, although it may be rocky at times (like when Bard told Thandruil about the house being haunted and eating the Bowmans), it's clear as day that they love eachother. I like the side characters (Percy and David) as well, and I was a bit surprised at the bond that Percy has with Bard, but it was well met and I'd love to get more glimpses of Percy and David's relationship, if you would do short fics on the side (no pressure here, you do as you see fit).

Anyways, thank you for writing this incredible fic that made me feel the entire emotion spectrum. I was wondering especially if you could tell us more about ... lemme think... a lot of the questions I want answered are most likely spoilers, so it's ok if you don't want to answer them :

how big of a role do Thorin and the others play in the fic?

could you describe Rirosseth and how she would feel about this whole "haunted house" thing if she was alive?

are the thorned (black?) vine and the house linked in any way?

how much paranormal activity (things involving the house and the ghosts inside) should we expect from future chapters?

Thank you once again for writing this fic that I love with my whole being. I wish you have both sides of the pillow cold and the Mystical Writing Inspiration Gnome always near you.

♡

I want to start by thanking you for this ask! These are the kind of things that absolutely make a writer's week to receive, and it means a lot that you took the time to share your thoughts like this. Some of these questions will be answered later in the story, and some will be answered a little bit by Chapter 24, which was posted just a few moments ago, but I can answer some of the others in a bit more detail:

If Rirosseth were alive, I think she'd approach the house with an open mind. She's more apt to think outside the box than Thranduil is, and if he described what he was seeing to her, she'd have responded quickly. I don't think she'd have been as nice to the fake ghost hunters as he was, though.

The level of paranormality in the story is likely to increase.

I haven't considered writing short fics in this AU before, but that's mainly because I never planned to post it It's definitely something I'm interested in exploring once the story's progressed a little further.

Beyond that, I'm so honored to hear that the story means so much to you! It means a quite a lot to me as well, and the fear with sharing those kinds of stories is that I'll be the only one who feels that way. Asks like this, which remind me that I'm not alone with the story anymore, really mean the world to me! I hope that you also have a cold pillow when you need it and warm blankets when you need them, and that you've been all right since you sent this! I'm terrible at answering asks, but it's in the service of giving them the sort of answers they deserve.

[mintedwitcher]

It's taken a hot minute but I think I can finally articulate why I dislike Martha Jones as a companion (NOT as a person or as a character independent of the Doctor, but STRICTLY as it pertains to her behaviour/actions around the Doctor himself). (Please keep in mind this is all just my opinion and analysis, I'm open to discussion about it but not discourse.)

Obligate disclaimer, this is not character bashing, I think Martha has a lot of potential that the show flat-out ignored or wrote over or just forgot about, I think she could've definitely been a BETTER character, but by no means is she a Bad one, she's just not my personal favourite when it comes to companions. (At some point I'll probably sit down and make an actual ranking of my favourite companions but not yet.)

Martha is smart, like incredibly smart. She's well educated, she's compassionate, she's brave, she's brilliant. But she's also stubborn to a fault, and she has a sort of entitlement we haven't seen from other companions (until Clara). Not a personal entitlement, where she believes she's owed everything just for existing, but specifically regarding the Doctor; she believes she deserves his life story, his secrets, his memories, because he chose her to travel with him.

A scene that comes immediately to mind is just before they were supposed to leave New Earth, and she planted herself and refused to budge until the Doctor divulged details about Gallifrey to her. Now, the interesting thing there, is that this entitlement actually does the Doctor some good. He's never had someone ask about Gallifrey before, and he hasn't needed to talk about it in any detail yet beyond "my planet's gone." No one's pushed him to talk about it yet. Martha doing that was a benefit, because from that point on, we see the Doctor talk more about Gallifrey and his people.

See, none of Martha's inherent traits are necessarily Bad. Martha also loved the Doctor, but that's never been my problem. My problem with it is the way that she pushes those feelings onto the Doctor and then becomes irate, petulant or just plain catty when the Doctor either doesn't reciprocate, ignores her, or mentions Rose.

An argument could potentially be made from Martha's point of view that the Doctor led her on, but I don't really get that, because he never showed interest. And really, a random kiss in a hospital while under siege by alien police from a man she just met is not interest. Especially when he was insistent beforehand that it was nothing, and that afterwards it was a genetic transfer. She was being used as a distraction. She read into it more than there was, and pinned her hopes on it, and that is what ultimately undermines her as a companion in my eyes.

It's one thing, I think, to be pining. But it's the pressure of expectation that makes me grind my teeth. Nearly every episode, there is some kind of Moment where Martha acts as if this will be the time the Doctor makes a move on her, or where she lets herself think there's more to their interactions than there really is. And that's tolerable, for an episode or two, but for an entire season? You really can't expect me to believe someone as smart as Martha really cannot see the writing on the wall here, which is that the Doctor is not looking for a girlfriend, he's looking for a friend. He isn't ready for another relationship, (as undefined as it was with Rose) he just wants company. And yes, he wants the adoration and validation and the awe that comes with taking a human out into the universe, but he certainly doesn't want to date. And he makes that clear in his actions, as much as he can without bluntly stating it, probably for fear that she'd choose to leave, and maybe that's where it falls apart. He won't communicate clearly, and so she won't pay attention to the obvious cues he's giving out. It's a game of cat and mouse to her, while for him it's a tightrope walk.

It's the expectation, though, that because he took her travelling, that means he has to have some sort of feelings for her. And he does care for her, as a friend, as a companion, but he's still mourning Rose and the relationship he had with her. For Martha to expect a new relationship to bloom under those conditions, it was naive. I've never much been a fan of the whole "date hopping" trope, where a character bounces immediately from one relationship to another without pause, so the expectation of it here irritated me.

(I'll have to make another post about the Doctor's side of this whole thing, because it really is a mess of miscommunication and expectations.)

And then, finally, we come to my least favourite Martha moment of her entire season: her goodbye. Not only did she spend an entire season putting the pressure of reciprocity on the Doctor, putting her feelings on him, lashing out when it falls through again and again, but then when she decides to leave him for good, her initial farewell would've been enough. Should've been enough. But no. No, she went back inside, and she decided to just add guilt to the already unstable emotional state of her friend. She tried to guilt him for not reciprocating, by comparing their relationship to a toxic one that her friend had. It was underhanded, and completely unnecessary.

And in the context of that episode, given everything that happened, it was entirely out of place, and it undermined her decision to leave in the first place. I respected the hell out of her for choosing to stay on Earth with her family after the events on the Valiant, and then she turned around and made it about her unrequited feelings for the Doctor, and it just felt Weak.

The show does that annoyingly often, I've found, especially when it comes to the companions. They get a brief moment to shine and be powerful and be brilliant, and then it's undercut very quickly afterwards by either killing them off, sending them away, or doing something pointless. And this scene was no different in that way.

Compare this to the Martha we saw later in the show, after her time as a companion was over, and look at how she shines there. Brilliant and smart and brave, working for UNIT, happily engaged, healed. She was absolutely fantastic. That was a version of Martha I would've LOVED to watch as a companion. We got the dulled down version of that as a companion, only really coming out on rare occasions, but imagine if we'd had that ALL the time.

Martha after the Doctor is without a doubt one of my favourite characters. Martha with the Doctor makes me want to tear my hair out.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 7, 2021 2:00 p.m. grant's house

[shannon] so, i had to respond to an email i keep forgetting about that came in like three days ago. oh, oh, oh, and i got some clothes in the mail i ordered for the holiday colm and i are going on–you know, our honeymoon–and i opened them so i could make sure the fabric doesn’t make me want to rip my skin off, you know?

[grant] totally respectable. i never buy new clothes either because i like my current ones–why do i need to get used to a whole new set of clothes? my favorite shoes are a decade old pair of converse. i don’t want to retrain myself to be comfy.

[shannon] see! thank you.

[shannon] but back to the email, it kind of has to do with you! maybe! potentially.

[grant] with little old me?

[grant] also, sorry, not to interrupt but: both of you, help yourself to anything you want to drink! i forgot to offer, which makes me a terrible host.

[grant] additionally, there are cookies because i keep stress baking, like, every couple days, so feel free to enjoy some cookies!

[grant] and yes, i'll clear the paperwork off the table. i had to get it out again for something.

[shannon] you're fine! thank you! but anyway, about the email! maybe i can have a single coherent sentence come out of my mouth.

[grant] yeah, no, i am extremely curious what an email potentially having to do with little old random me would be about. also take your time, we do not have to be coherent here!

[shannon] an old professor of mine emailed me secondhand about a project he thought i could help with. it’s not his project but it’s another professor’s project in dublin and it’s not really a formal academic thing but more like a side project for an online newspaper thingy.

[shannon] anyway, um, that doesn't matter, but i emailed this other professor–the lady running the project–who is an anthropologist just collecting stories and interviews from irish speakers in the diaspora, either as a native or a learned language, and she’s looking for people interested in participating, which is a really limited number since...well, you know why…

[shannon] i can’t participate because i would be incredibly biased and also, most obviously, i was born in ireland, but neither of those complications apply to you! also, you will be in the country a week from now and that gives for better interviews to do them in person, if you’re asking me.

[grant] i'm not disqualified because i have citizenship there?

[shannon] no. that’s fine. you just can’t have grown up there.

[shannon] or have gone to any kind of long-term language school or anything there because that would imply being not-in-the-diaspora.

[shannon] also, there’s no pressure. i didn’t say oh yes, talk to my one very specific cousin. i said i have many connections, family or otherwise, who would fit into the scope of your project who may be interested in chatting with you, and i can get you all in contact.

[shannon] but if you did it, i think it’d be fun, and i think you’d have the some of the best answers. at least out of our eligible family members. you’re really one of the kids closest to our grandparents and you have the most exposure and familiarity with the language out of the american-born kids. i mean, you all know how to speak it fluently and natively and all, but some are better than others. besides, you’re so sentimental and that’s helpful.

[grant] well, sure! i don’t mind talking to her. i also don’t think anyone would mind making a really brief detour for a day or so to do it.

[shannon] great! i will try my best to remember to email her in the morning.

[audhdnight]

Okay friends gather round because I’m here to talk about porn (this will be a long post).

Specifically, why it needs to be safer instead of banned, why it’s not inherently harmful, and how a lot of the harm associated with it is straight up prejudice.

I recently got drawn into an argument about this (i know, I should know better, but I guess this time I didn’t). People love to talk about how the porn industry is harmful because it’s “addictive” which makes it dangerous, or because it makes men do bad things.

I want to say first that this is just feeding into the “all men are inherently bad and violent” shit which I do NOT support because it is not true. A lot of men in patriarchal society are violent, yes, but only because that society tells those men they can have whatever they want, they can take it if we won’t give it to them, and there are no consequences for this behavior. This apathy is conditioned. If you never hold a man accountable for his actions and the ways in which he exploits others, OF COURSE he’s going to hurt people. This issue exist less with women because societally, women are conditioned to give of themselves to the point of burnout, to always place other people’s (most often specifically men’s) wants and needs and preferences over their own. Not because women are biologically less violent or selfish.

Now, there is something to be said about the ways in which certain kinds of pornography portray sexual relationships. In heterosexual male-centered porn, the woman is, more often than not, merely a vessel for his pleasure. She does what he wants, in the positions he wants, because he is the focus. This kind of porn is often characterized by a POV that makes it look as if you’re watching through the male actor’s eyes.

This kind of porn, especially if it is a man or boy’s introduction to sexual relationships/pleasure, can encourage them to see all women this way. If you teach a boy that women are meant to serve his whims because that’s just what women are for, of course he’s going to continue seeking out this kind of media. This is an example of societal prejudice and how it influences everything we do. It does not mean that pornography makes men misogynists.

The second point I want to discuss involves why I say we need reform and laws that keep people safe from exploitation, not a ban on pornography as a whole.

When I told the people I was arguing with that this is what I personally advocate for, they tried to say that I was admitting porn is bad, “because it hurts people.” One man said that I couldn’t possibly dismiss the experiences of real people hurt by the porn industry by saying porn isn’t harmful.

I want to make it exceptionally clear that I am absolutely not dismissing anyone’s experiences. I am well aware that many people are hurt by the modern pornography industry and have been for as long as sex work has existed. But I also want to make it clear that this is not because sex work is bad. It is because people get trafficked, and people often feel like they have no other options because of economic and life circumstances. Some people who entered the industry willingly, who even enjoy their work (crazy concept, I know) end up leaving because they were pressured into certain acts that they weren’t comfortable with. Some people get recorded without their consent. Some people have to leave because of harassment (and yes, sexual harassment IS a thing, even for sex workers). Some people feel like it is a path they will enjoy, but discover it’s not a kind of work they want to do. Some people find it incredibly draining. Some people’s coworkers make for an unpleasant or even unsafe work environment.

There are hundred of reasons someone might leave sex work or be harmed by the people they work with. This doesn’t mean that the work itself is morally wrong. Which is why I say that we need laws in place that protect sex workers from exploitation, and we need people in place to actually enforce those laws (rather than the slew of pedophiles and rapists we have in office right now, or the police officers who let traffickers off the hook for bribery - the financial kind and the human kind).

My third point involves the lack of any scientific backing for the claims that pornography is inherently harmful. While anecdotal evidence absolutely has a place in the discussion, and we should never dismiss someone who was hurt in their time in the industry, this is not scientific. Neither are sermons, unfortunately for most of the people I talk to about this. Usually when I ask for a study backing their claims - just one single peer reviewed study - I am offered this:

The very first thing I want to point out about this paper is that it is not a study. It is essentially a personal interest essay. Just because a work references other works does not make it credible. The man who wrote this paper is a religious fanatic, first of all, and while his Phd does actually appear to be real (oftentimes I get referenced to people with fake doctorates) that does not automatically make any words he writes factual. Several of the footnotes include links that look pretty legit but actually lead nowhere. A couple are just surveys where they asked religious families if their children struggled with mental health consequences from pornography, which is again anecdotal evidence at best, and definitely not a peer reviewed, credible source.

Secondly, if you read this paper you may notice that in a few places Fagan claims part of the mental toll pornography takes on teens is the shame and guilt it creates. Gee, can anyone guess why a sexually repressed teenager in a conservative Christian purity culture home might feel ashamed of indulging in sexual pleasure?? My personal “porn addiction” guilt went away when I realized that I wasn’t hurting anyone by watching it, and my sexual pleasure was not sinful or dirty. What fixed my mental turmoil was letting go of the shame, not letting go of the thing that made me happy.

All of this is to say that the shame and guilt around teens watching porn does not come from the pornography itself, but from the adults around us who tell us we are dirty rotten sinners who are going to burn in hell for wanting to feel good.

Fagan also talks about the consequences of pornography on children, without ever addressing the fact that this is harmful because usually if a child is viewing porn, it is in the context of grooming. I’m not advocating for showing your young child pornography obviously (please don’t do that) but it feels incredibly irresponsible to say that we need to ban porn because “if a child is groomed with it that hurts the child”. In his list of reasons why pornography is harmful to children, Fagan also includes things like it can be upsetting for a child to overhear their parent engaging in “phone sex”. Surely I’m not the only one wondering what that actually has to do with porn…?

Now, I’m not saying that no one is ever engaging with pornography to a point of harm. But this is still an issue of misattributed blame. If someone is watching porn in excess, using it as a coping mechanism of some kind, that is a problem that has very little to do with the porn they’re watching. People fill holes of emotional and physical needs in all sorts of different ways. My cousin ended up on crutches because she went through a rough breakup and dealt with it by running. She overdid it too many times and injured herself, but no one would ever say that means we have to ban running.

My main point is that safe, consensual sex work is not harmful. If consenting adults wish to have sex, play sexual games, record themselves, watch a recording of another consenting adult, or do literally any other kind of sexual activity - that is perfectly okay. We don’t need to shame them or condemn them for wanting to feel pleasure or for working a job in which they bring other people pleasure. This is purity culture bullshit.

And on the subject of teens - it is literally the most natural thing in the word for a teenager to feel curious about their bodies and desires and to want to explore that. Again, I’m not advocating for showing your teenager pornography, but If they find it themselves that’s a wonderful opportunity to have discussions with them about safe sex, boundaries, consent, and all the things. You can even talk to them about it before they seek out the porn. You can teach them about masturbation, and let them know that these desires are not shameful or bad or dirty.

I’m also really tired of certain people insisting that porn is “addictive” because it produces dopamine in the brain. Wanting to feel good is not a crime for fuck’s sake.

[drdemonprince]

Reading all the stuff about workplaces messes with me because every single workplace prior to my current one was really bad, but in this one I can actually get accomodations. I can actually take leaves and sick time for my needs (we have 160 sick days per year that reset if you work 30 days in a row). I'm never really pressured to do more and if anything it seems like I'm encouraged to take care of myself first. I have a decent salary and benefits. I'm nonbinary and am out at work and it's known I need to take time for my neurodivergence/mental health. There's nothing logically telling me I'm about to get fucked over at any point and I am unionized. Things don't feel real because of my past experience of workplace abuse and general knowledge of workplaces. It feels like what I'm getting can't exist but I've managed to get it. My supervisor is incredibly sweet and understanding. I seem to run into neurodivergent traits all over the workplace. I'm obsessively scared that something is going on that I'm not privy to and that I'm not secure but that feels like trauma or my ocd talking more than reality. I feel like this kind of workplace hardly exists to the point that it's hard for me to believe it does. I'm not shown off or featured as a token as far as I know (unless it' done behind my back), nor am I made to educate others. I don't have rigid surveillance as far as I know. Is it possible that I'm actually in an example of one of the better case scenarios at a workplace?? I get worried that I've been too vulnerable (I keep it relatively to myself now) and that I'm being exploited beyond basic employer/employee relationship but I actually don't see any evidence for it. I don't know how much this actually exists out there but I sincerely wish that all workplaces had this setup or something similar as the bare minimum. I can retire from here and I have a pension and yeah basically I'm constantly having "too good to be true" panic 5 years later. I'm so relieved to be unionized as I feel like this isn't nearly possible without one (and even the person in HR said they'd never seen such a generous sick time/leave policy). Is there anything I should actually potentially be worried about??

You have a union!! That explains the big difference between your former employers and your current one pretty elegantly.

Just keep your eye on the union itself to make sure it's doing the work that it should be doing -- it sounds like it is, but some unions get taken over by pretty conservative leaning factions over time. The book Hard Sell by Peter Ikeler offers a pretty strong comparison and contrast between a strong union and a weak one, in the realm of retail work. I'd suggest checking it out!

Never trust your boss or your company, even if they're treating you well -- they are treating you well because those are the fruits of organized labor!! Just keep an eye on the organizers and if you can, be active in your union. Enjoy the positive attributes your workplace has, and contribute to maintaining them if you can -- you don't need to feel guilty or afraid, or to believe that what you are experiencing is too good to be true. The good you are experiencing has a clear-cut explanation -- collective bargaining -- which means you, as a member of the collective, can contribute to keeping things this way.

[animehouse-moe]

Call The Name of The Night Volume 1

No, this is not Call of The Night. There are no vampires (yet), there is no romance, and it's not the modern day. But then what it is? Well, I think the best example that people will understand is that it's a more benign Witch Hat Atelier. A whimsical and incredibly wide world of exciting and beautiful magic, filtered through the lens of wonder and excitement of a child. However, one large twist remains that gives this manga the perfect reason to exist.

Marrying the pieces of fantasy that people love the most with a real concept is always a terrific recipe for expression and explanation of them, and Call The Name of The Night makes full use of that. Our main character, Mira, suffers from an affliction that causes her to manifest night all around her sometimes. It engulfs everything around her until she herself remains alone in the darkness. Because of this, she's living with a magical doctor named Rei, who is searching for a cure to Mira's ailment. I don't think it's really a secret to explain, but the "night" in this story is a manifestation of Mira's mental health and emotions. It's not clear cut enough to just be "anxiety" as it runs deeper than that, but a lot of the symptoms appear as anxiety, if that makes any sense.

Regardless, together the two live out a really wonderful life that balances Mira's happiness, and her emotional and mental wellbeing very well. It juggles the act of explaining and expressing Mira's emotions and thoughts with a really beautiful rendition of a magical world to explore.

Leaving that to settle a little, the art for Call The Name of The Night fits it perfectly. It's very bright and soft. Capturing that eccentric and almost playfully mischievous nature quite well. The magic of the series is meant to be a spectacle when we see it, and the smoother and more round designs lend themselves to it quite well. It's not overly detailed because it shouldn't look real, and so the art has put just the right amount of space between it and "real" to really let it blossom and catch the eye's of readers.

Alongside that, a lot of the paneling is really well done. I personally really like this page from the prologue. The paneling does a great job of establishing the important bits early on. How much Mira relies on Rei, and how kind Rei is to Mira. The volume of panels helps sell that feeling of anxiety and pressure, and finishing off with a wide shot of the empty house Mira is in sells her feeling of isolation.

I'd say it's some standout stuff in spite of all the panels being rectangular, and in general there's a lot of really stunning angles and layouts for pages that lean into the best aspects of the story at that point in time.

So now, back to a bit of story and characterization. Mira is currently living with the doctor, Rei, to find a way to cure her ailment, this means she lives separate from her parents. Through pieces of flashback and information we see that she was basically forced out of her own village because she's "cursed". Incredibly thankfully, the story dispels concerns about the parents being involved in any such behavior, and instead provides a really wonderful approach. They're empathetic of the struggles and fears of Mira, and provide their support to the best of their ability despite the distance between them. It produces a really wonderful moment, and instead of capping it off with tears from Mira, the story opts to give it a bright and sunshine-y finishing point for the chapter.

This is just a manga that really exemplifies what it sets out to do. The magic is incredibly cute and beautiful to experience, and the progression of Mira's illness, and her perception of it are incredible. There's little twists and turns, and even different perspectives and methods... we'll say "forced", into the process, and it comes out as a wonderful discussion about how mental health works. Reaffirming the positive behavior and being a shoulder to lean on during the darker times. Providing a safe and happy space to explore and understand yourself, but not one that allows you to shrink further inward, as there's always that gentle hand placed on your back that encourages you to move forward and find ways to conquer and accept your fears.

[chainofclovers]

sex education s4

Anyway so finally finished the entire series...

Sex Education is such a fascinating show and I really genuinely enjoy a lot about it and I think nearly all of the actors are VERY talented which makes it a joy to watch but also I struggle with the dialogue-writing so much. I feel like the ethos of the show is to try to capture the ways humans make mistakes and try hard and screw up and find and re-find each other (which is a very, you know, human and relatable thing), all within this hyper-stylized world that contains all the same problems of our world but also contains a deeply engrained emotional intelligence that informs nearly every conversation?!

So you've got all the normal fuck-ups of life and also all the honoring of emotional journeys, and somehow the way the emotional journey piece of it is written actually makes the sex and relationship mistakes feel more shocking?! It's like we rarely get to settle into those intimate scenes between people for long enough to really feel repercussions. And instead we keep having to pause so some character can say the most basic thing. I don't think this is an actual line in the show, but it feels like half the stuff that comes out of people's heads is basically "Relationships can be intense and that's why relationships are so hard."

And I think Jean Milburn's bad radio show is kind of a way to poke fun at the very unnuanced therapy speak of it all, but maybe not?!

The show is WONDERFUL when the dialogue is specific and weird. Like when Adam and Eric reunite at the funeral and Adam's like "I work with horses now." What a line! Perfection. But those moments were far too few and far between for me.

I do like that the show makes it clear that as much as you might try to craft a safe, thoughtful, emotionally careful world for yourself, that doesn't mean life isn't hard. Cal's dysphoria and sense that the world doesn't want them is incredibly real and well done. And I thought Eric, Viv, and Jackson all had important moments of connection that transcended the dialogue and felt real, too.

I struggled a lot with Michael's storyline. I was actually interested in him and Maureen realizing that the work they've done as individuals makes them more appealing to each other, and I liked that they ended up exploring that and will likely end up getting back together. But! Michael's rebound with that teacher was never going to be what he needed, but I hated the way that lesson was taught. Sure, maybe he was always going to return to the familiar-but-new of his wife and family unit. But I HATE that the sex scenes on the show are often centered entirely around a specific moment of performance/pressure/penetration (literal or emotional) at the expense of what a human body might actually need. There's something in the middle of the spectrum of being humiliated for losing your erection during casual sex and returning to your wife. That middle point is sex--even casual sex--with someone who's willing to connect emotionally, to compliment, to experiment with foreplay, to kiss and touch and make it feel safe to have sex. I don't believe a show has a responsibility to depict that, but in this specific case it felt bad to watch a character so deeply need something other than he was getting and for the "lesson" to feel skewed a few degrees away from where I felt the real lesson actually was.

And let's be real, a large reason I've stuck with this show is because of how much I love Hannah Waddingham, and I found Jackson's storylines with his mums a bit strange precisely because of the surface level pseudo-deep emotional dialogue they're all forced to work with. At this point I've watched many, many hours of Hannah Waddingham working. She's so good. And you've got Hannah Waddingham, Sharon Duncan-Brewter, and Kedar Williams-Sterling, three phenomenal actors, in a room together, and it felt like an opportunity to go into exactly WHY they hid the real story of Jackson's conception from him, and why they went to such lengths to create the handmade picture book (adorable, but in hindsight so strange). All of these actors are more than capable of really getting into it re: deep desires for a particular type of family, and the haunting of the past, queerness, how Roz felt as the biological parent who wanted to give Sofia a certain type of family, how Sofia felt as the new partner starting a relationship with a pregnant woman, etc. There was no need to rely on a letter nonsensically kept in a bedside table, or surface-level platitudes.

Over and over, I feel like they created such fantastic scenarios, and cast such wonderful people to act them, but then the actual words spoken in conversation didn't ring true. And the juxtaposition of the frantic snapshots of sex (which do paint an empathetic portrait of desire and how lonely desire can be) with the tedious dialogue just didn't do it for me this time around. I'm all for some heightened utopian fantasy coupled with the painful reality that even when people love you, identity and self-determination are struggles. They just didn't quite make it there. But the actors really are so good that I enjoyed it anyway. Mostly. Often.