#i didnt mention her but april was the only one i didnt have a problem with

[abyssalstrike]

just reading your ask about farmhouse arc raph and omg i 1000% agree, the farmhouse arc is one of my favourites of the entire series and raph really shines throughout those episodes. i just did a rewatch of the entire series but that season might be the one i go back and watch a few times over just because i love it so much.

but i was also wondering if could you give your opinion on the croaking episode 👀 like you said in your ask, there’s a lot of varying fandom views surrounding it, so i’d be curious to hear your two cent on it!

thanks ❤️

The Croaking is my least favorite episode out of the entire set of farmhouse episodes, and possibly my least favorite out of the entire season . This is because this episode showcases one of the things i dislike about this show the most- how they approach writing Mikey as a character. Mikey is one of my favorite little guys ever, but even though he is one of the main four protagonists of this show, he's never actually treated like one. He doesn't have any serious long form arcs or moments of introspection (outside of group development), and what sucks is that this episode would have been the Perfect time to do that for him. The writers themselves can't seem to treat him seriously as a character, and the weakness in this part of his writing is why this episode is perceived the way it is.

One piece of the beginning of the episode gets shared around without context- a scene where his brothers berate Mikey for making a mess of the farmhouse and force him to clean up. Raph in particular is harsh to him and he says the infaamous words, "Some ninja! he's just a big screwup." And by no means was Raph right in saying that, but there's a lot of context often left out in the discussions of this episode. One thing, for instance, is Leo's comment about it actually being the *third* time in that week that Mikey trashed the house. Their frustration didn't come out of nowhere, and that's important information to know. Mikey didn't deserve to be called a screw-up, and he's totally justified in feeling hurt by those words, but he was not fully innocent in this situation either. However, this is never *meaningfully* acknowledged by the episode. And despite Leo and Donnie not disputing Raph's harsh comments and also yelling at Mikey in this scene, Raph is the only one treated as someone who's actually done something wrong. Both by the show, and by the fandom. It's incredibly shallow.

I think Mikey running away could be an interesting story, especially with the lead-up from the episode previous, where Mikey's suspicions about April's mom are dismissed by everyone for no reason other than that the suspicion is coming from HIM. But after the scene where he actually does leave, his feelings are just kinda... never brought up again. As if he forgot the reason why he ran away? As if running away isn't an EXTREME kind of action for anyone to take??? There is actually a brief moment when he talks about his brothers to Napoleon Bonafrog, and Napoleon says something like, "whoa, your brothers sound awesome." To which Mikey responds, a little sadly, "Yeah, they are awesome... even after I trashed the house." This isn't out of character for him to say or anything, but I have a few issues with this statement with the greater context of the entire episode in mind. One, this is factually not true- because if it was, he wouldn't have run away in the first place. (not saying that Mikey should be pissed at them, or hate them, because the reason why he left was out of sadness that they don't respect him. I just mean that what they said to him sort of wasn't awesome at all, and nothing in the episode directly affirms this). And two, this, and like one other small off-hand comment, is all we get of Mikey's thoughts regarding the event that led him to run away. I really feel like they could have done more, but they spent most of their time with the stupid frog plot instead of using the setup as an opportunity to advance Mikey as a character.

I also don't want to like, nitpick, but there's also a lot of weird plot inconsistencies in the episode itself? I don't want to get into them all, but the Article that Donnie brings up where they're trying to find Mikey is. strange... It reports on the local campsites being destroyed by the punk frogs, and there's a depiction of Mikey's face in the sketches shown of the perpetrators. But at that point in the episode, Mikey had JUST met Napoleon in the middle of the woods? It's never shown or implied that Mikey was even a part of those camp raids at all, outside of this. It seems so out of character for him to even willingly participate in something like that. If anything, he'd try to get them to stop, lmao. There's a few little moments like that here and there.

I do really like Mikey and Napoleon Bonafrog's friendship though. It's always fun to see Mikey deal with characters who can be more.. immature (?) than he is, and it was cute watching him try to teach Napoleon some of his skills. And even though im overall very dissatisfied with the emotional resolution of this episode, i really like how excited Raph was to see Mikey again, even hugging him mid-battle. (I was a little thrown off by how they both acted like they had never hugged before though????) . This scene is also what people tend to leave out when talking about this episode, unfortunately. So, when that clip of the beginning makes its rounds, it makes Raph look really really really really REALLY bad. It's often used as evidence of Raph being abusive and hating Mikey, but if this episode does literally nothing else, it does have moments showing this to be the contrary. People either forget or overlook it entirely.

But that's just kind of the problem here. The resolution they have is just not strong enough to leave any sort of impression on the audience because there barely is one present here. Both sides of the conflict with Mikey and his Brothers were poorly presented without really taking the time to actually think about the deeper meaning or implications this kind of story would have on these characters. Whatever message or theme this episode has gets pushed to the side and muddled because of the prioritization of the action-oriented plotline. This happens with pretty much every Mikey-centric episode, except for like, two. MAYBE 3.. It pisses me off to no end because this character has so much potential but because Mikey is the silly goofy comic relief, the "youngest" of the family, he's just stuck playing that role. Or maybe the 2012 writers just kinda suck at writing complicated characters, who knows. So yeah i don't like this episode HAHA

[odette-at-dawn]

-friends pt.2-

So summer came and went, i had the best summer job ever and met some amazing people, including a girl i really, /really/, liked. i would go into more detail but that would take up the whole character limit honestly lmao. but, i was talking to my best friend about it (who is straight) and she wasnt really understanding it. when i was saying how i didnt know if the girl i liked was queer or not, my best friend told me that if it didnt work out, at least id have a good friend out of it. her intentions are in the right place, but just...no girl. so i texted one of my friends about it. i told her that i had to talk ot another gay person about the situation. she was so excited for it and we made a plan to meet. me and this other friend used to be best friends 2/3 years ago and we told each other a lot, and we talked a lot about being gay in our friend group and how it was hard to talk about it with straight people because they just didnt get it. we told each other we'd always be there for each other if we wanted to talk about our gay crushes or relationships. so the day comes, and she texts me 30 min before we are supposed to meet that she is too hungover to come. shes really sorry but she just cant do it. i was actually so mad. really disappointed in her bc who does that? i know that you should expect people to act how you'd act for them, but i would never to that to someone. especially when the plan is already there, then on a whim you decided to go out the night before. my parents were also really upset, because they know this friend well as we have also being friends atp for 8 years or so. it chill, i talk to one of my other really good friends and we get dinner that night and chat about it, and it was great. this friend is truly my longest friendship and we've only had one big argument (the one mentioned in the previous post) but we got over it quickly. i trust her more than basically anyone and we tell each other basically everything. so, at the end of the summer she is talking to me about the friend that cancelled on me, and she tells me that it completely slipped her mind until now, but the friend that cancelled on me went and trashed talked me to her (the friend i was talking to) and some of their other friends (the 3 friendships that ended that i mentioned in the previous post, its these 3 girls) about me only talking to her as a gay person. like she was upset that i was only reaching out because i needed to talk about a situation and she was one of the gay people i knew to talk about it? i was honestly baffled because, what??? like she wanted to talk to me about things other than my crush, but she genuinely did not reach out to me ONCE the whole summer. like the entirety of out 4 month break from school and she didnt reach out once? what do you mean you want to talk to me about other things and hangout with me outside of that context, you clearly dont? it enraged me honestly so much. i took her off of my followers on my spam account and i swore off contact with her for a while. i just cannot believe the audacity of that. but time goes on, we all go back to school, i move back to my city and start up with school again. this was something that happened in april of 2024, but i was in a trio of friends and it kinda fell apart. we were all going to live together this year, than the other two girls went and signed a lease for just the two of them without letting me know (this was a big deal at the time and it also made me really upset but its chill now). then, those two girls who were living together started fighting, because me and one of the girls started getting closer because we both watched wbb. we also both found some of the players rlly hot, which we also bonded over. the other girl did not like this (bc shes a lesbian but lowkey is very biphobic but thats a diff convo to have) and she ended up unloading all of it on the other friend all at once. it caused a LOT of problems between the three of us and it was really awk for a while, but it kinds sorted itself out with time. But then this school year started.

[viridescent-lament]

feel like pure shit just want them back (to tinos frozen party pizza and hawawwiian sun canned guava juice)

[crimsonophelia]

Could I get a fluffy and maybe flirty Childe imagine set during his story quest? Instead of the Traveler and Paimon accompanying him, the reader (who works at the Northland Bank as one of Childe’s subordinates) gets slapped with the duty of babysitting Teucer and covering for Childe and his façade as a toy seller in Liyue.

"I must say that your brother is quite cute, sir."

"...I guess it must run in the family."

"Hm? Did you say something, comrade?"

"Oh. Um. Nothing, sir."

Of course, being the perceptive man he is, Childe heard all of what they said. What he ends up doing or saying to the reader? Seeing the magic you’ve worked when anon previously gave you the liberty of it, I leave it entirely up to you. :)

featuring: childe x gn!reader

warnings: a teeny bit suggestive at the end

published: april 27 2021

form: imagine

a/n: i’m gonna be real with you, i was stuck on ar35 for the longest time because i was too cowardly to level up my world so i finally did it today and i jumped from 35 to 41 T_T and now my enemies are stupidly strong. but anyways i just started the childe quest today so im just gonna stick to the part when they’re still in liyue and there’s no fighting wwww

“teucer, i swear to celestia-” you muttered under your breath, as the little redhead slipped from your grasp yet again, running ahead to go look at some kite vendors. “come back here, kid! otherwise you’re gonna be in a heck of a lot of trouble!” 

earlier in the day, you were out running errands for the bank, under tartaglia’s orders, when you had come across rumors of a ruin guard running amok. figuring you would use your spare time and save some local liyue citizens the trouble of having to deal with the feral robot, you defeated the machine with efficient ease. however, in the vicinity, you discovered a lone child showing great excitement at a deactivated ruin guard, jumping and leaping while calling it “mr. cyclops” with a strange elation. 

you figured the boy was snezhnayan, what with his features and clothing reminiscent of the cold climate of your homeland. but why in the world was he out by a ruin hunter all alone? he kept mentioning his brother, a toy seller in liyue, but you could think of absolutely nobody that fit that description. 

so, out of the goodness of your own heart, you decided to take the little boy-- teucer, he called himself--back to liyue harbor with you, and see if you could find this older brother of his. 

however, once you arrived back in the city, your plans were quickly derailed as the little brat seemed to have the attention span of a fruit fly, and was constantly trying to weasel his way into some other dangerous situation without you knowing. 

“god dammit teucer”, you huffed, trying to keep up with the child. who let children have so much energy? your age must finally be catching up to you, you thought. “how about we go back to northland bank? you might like it there” you thought taking him back to your headquarters would stall the boy for enough time for you to find someone who might know the whereabouts of teucer’s brother. there weren’t too many snezhnayans in liyue--whoever his brother is, he can’t be far.

the little boy looked up at you with his big, blue puppy eyes, but you knew his act by now. “no buts, kid. if you’re lucky, we’ll be able to track down you’re brother there.” he sighed, relenting to your orders and following you back to northland bank.

the two of you climbed up the stairwell leading to the entrance of the bank on the second floor, teucer clearly dejected and pouting like a baby. exhausted, you pushed open the doors that you were so familiar with, and ushered the child inside.

much to your surprise, you see tartaglia talking with ekaterina in the lobby. it had been quite a while since you had seen your superior in person, and the surprise certainly was not unwelcome. sometimes you couldn’t stand the man’s smug attitude, yet there was something in his rogueish charisma that you simple couldnt deny attracted you to him.

teucer also seemed to be excited by this sighting of the red-headed harbinger, the little boy’s eyes lighting up with unbridled excitement.

“brother!”

wait. was tartaglia the older brother teucer had been talking about all along?

childe turned around, distracted by teucer’s voice, and upon seeing the little boy, his eyes lit up—first with surprise, then with confusion.

“teucer? what the heck are you doing here in liyue?”

he left the fatui agent with a befuddled look upon her face, and ran towards the child. teucer jumped up into his brother’s broad arms, and they grasped each other in a tight hug, like they had not seen each other for at least an eternity.

ruffling teucer’s hair, tartaglia softened, with an expression unlike anything you had really seen him wear before. he really must care about his family, you thought to yourself.

“so you’re the older brother this little tyke has been talking nonstop about”, you teased tartaglia, elbowing him in his side. “you know, he’s thrown me for a loop this entire day. i didnt think babysitting was part of the job requirement.”

the red-head chuckled abashedly, scratching his head. “sorry about that, [y/n]. the little guy can’t seem to bear being away from his favorite big brother.”

teucer laughed. he truly looked so happy to be with tartaglia again, which made you wonder what the harbinger was like when not on the job. you had known him to be a ruthless war machine, a hedonistic killer who thrived off of the rush battle and bloodshed gave him. childe could take down a dozen men, twice his size, in a matter of minutes, hardly breaking a sweat. yet seeing him interact with teucer, almost a little mini-sized version of himself, his gentleness and care surprised you. perhaps there was more to the man than you had initially thought.

teucer finally detaching himself from tartaglia, looked up at his brother with those same puppy eyes, now full of admiration. “are you here to sell toys to the liyue children, too?”, the child asked. toys? what toys could he possibly be referring to? you and ekaterina, both, looked at childe with confusion.

tartaglia stuttered for a moment. “oh! uhh— yes! yes i am! i was just talking with the nice lady, ms. ekaterina, on how many toys we can sell to all the children in liyue!” he responded, hardly missing a beat. did teucer not know what childe’s actual occupation was?

“wow! my brother really is the coolest person ever!” teucer leaped up and down, hanging onto tartaglia’s pantlegs. looking at this young, untainted innocence, you begun to understand why childe might try and shield the child from the truth.

childe detached the excitable child from his clothing, and beckoned ekaterina over. “ms. ekaterina, would you do me the grand favor of watching teucer for the rest of the day? i’d hate to burden our friend [y/n] after they have already brought him to liyue from celestia-knows-where.” he turns to teucer, telling him “big brother ajax is going to sell many, many toys now! so you need to behave yourself when i’m gone, okay? miss ekaterina will be watching you, and she’s very nice.” he pinches his brother’s cheek, teasing him lightly, and ushering him away with the fatui agent.

it’s now just you and tartaglia in the bank, as the sun was setting and all the other employees had gone home for the day. you heaved a sigh of relief, glad to be rid of baby-sitting duty, after having to deal with teucer’s antics for several hours now.

“i’m really sorry about all of that. i had no idea he would be coming, as a stowaway, no less.” the man looked at you with genuine gratitude. “i don’t want to imagine what might’ve happened to the little brat if you hadn’t been there.”

you chuckled, not quite used to seeing such sincerity coming from the harbinger. most of the time, you had been accustomed to his charismatic facade that he puts on when he becomes childe, the eleventh and one of the most dangerous members of the fatui harbingers.

“don’t worry, it really was no problem. your brother is certainly a handful, but undeniably adorable”, you said, mindlessly gathering your belongings again as you prepared to head out again. “he takes after his older brother quite a bit, i must say.”

“come again?” childe looked behind him, eyebrow cocked.

“oh— nothing. i didnt say anything”, you muttered. shit. you really need to get better at keeping your mouth shut. you refused to be known as the insolent fool with the puppy-love crush on the goddamn eleventh fatui harbinger.

“oh? that didnt really sound like nothing, my dear [y/n].” he smirked. whenever he called you “my dear”, you knew you were in for major teasing. he was definitely having fun with this. he strode towards you innocently, with that usual swagger of his, that tinted everything he did. his walk, his talk, his appearance all oozed confidence, and it was utterly intoxicating.

tartaglia now looked at you with a glint in his eye, the same look he gave enemies before he was about to utterly obliterate them. it was frightening, yet terribly alluring, and you despised how much you fell for it.

suddenly, you felt your back hit the cold, marble wall. you hadn’t even realized that tartaglia had cornered you against a gold pillar, his mere presence forcing you to unconsciously move away from him as he approached you, calculatedly. a lump growing in your throat, you couldn’t bring yourself to even utter a single word in defense, only feeling your cheeks grow hotter and your legs grow weaker.

tartaglia leaned his arm against the pillar, dangerously close to your head, effectively propping himself up with only you between him. you were far too aware of the space—or rather, the lack thereof—separating the two of you, the man’s hot breath audible in the dead, echoing silence of the golden bank.

tartaglia smirked, bringing his face close to yours. “you flatter me greatly, [y/n].” smirking, his breath grazed against your neck, his stare burning into your flesh. the way your name sounded on his lips made your breath hitched in your throat. too hot, you felt way too hot. it was impossible for a hydro user to make you feel such unbearable heat.

“seems as if your clever words aren’t of any use to you now, hmm?” you could feel the mans lips brushing against your jaw, each touch against you leaving a stinging trail. he brought his free hand to caress your own, fingers clasping yours as if you were made of a delicate porcelain, the finest kind liyue had to offer. slowly, as if dragging out each second as long as he could, tartaglia brought your hand to his lips, and planted a long, slow kiss to the back of your palm.

your eyes widened at the sheer eroticism with which he kissed your hand—an act commonly of etiquette somehow being much more lustful, even debauched when tartaglia did it. all you could feel was where his lips met your hand, the phantom burn it left, the slight string of saliva connecting his lips to your hand as he left it, the dark gaze in his eyes as he looked back up at you, clearly aware of how vulnerable you were in his grasp.

“thank you again, my dear. i hope we can continue to work together in the future.”

a/n: jesus christ this got really horny at the end LMFAO anyways i hope you like it! its kinda long but wtv

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: March 30th, 2021- Part 1

We’ve been really focused on getting the Step 3 DLC done and keeping up with asks kind of got away from me, aha. Thank you for waiting for a reply! We’re still definitely behind, but here’s a good chunk of responses!

I love Our Life so much but if the release of the step 3 dlc is in April, please don't "release" it on April 1, my poor heart can't take that prank 😭

Don’t worry! I’m horrible at pranks, haha. When we do post something specifically for April Fool’s it’s always to pretend it’s a joke when in reality it’s something we’re actually planning to do. But we don’t have anything like that arranged for this year. Any posts on April 1st will just be like normal.

Omigod, can you end the game in love with Cove but not in a relationship? My character stayed calm at the restaurant and Cove slept over at her home and I think I may have missed it. I'm delirious if I did, may never stop laughing. The children are idiots 

Haha, yes, it is possible to be in love and still not get into an actual relationship. There’s no forced ending where the two are made to confess their feelings and accept, it’s all optional/avoidable.

How can you see the new main character cut-in images? I'm not trying to be rude, but, all of my playthroughs, but I haven't seen them yet. (I know you can go through an entire game without seeing them, but I have went through multiple games.) 

It’s a bit of a spoiler to say here, but you can check out the guide we posted on Steam HERE!

Is it possible to win first place in the library quiz with Lizzy (Step 1 DLC) 

Yep, it is! Someone made a guide for the answers HERE (it’s also on Steam). We probably shouldn’t have required a perfect score to win a children quiz, but oh well, haha.

Hello!

In the future (in step 4) can you marry Cove even if you are friends? I would love to have a platonic wedding with him!

I’m afraid not. As much as he cares for the MC when they’re besties, Cove would only really want an official marriage if it’s based on romance.

Hello! I bumped into Our Life randomly last month, and it is one of the best coincidences I have ever laid on. I love how the choices and little details in the story changes throughout the game, and I'm excited to keep supporting you! I'm absolutely in love with Cove and would like to ask what keeps him to be especially interested in the MC? Other than how you can choose what fondness level you have with him, what ultimately leads him to be in sync with us? Sorry if it's a little much & thank u! 

Cove likes the MC because, regardless of the different personality traits you can give the MC, they meet him on his level, listen to him, understand him (even if you’re indifferent and not really close the MC still gets where he’s coming from), and if you’re fond/crush/love than you’re there for him. He finds the MC someone he can respect, trust, and, if they’re close, feel safe with. I’m glad you enjoyed the game!

hi there! for xoxo droplets i see the that female pronouns are used in the description, in the actual game can you change the pronouns or are they stuck as female? i'm aware the game is free, but i have a bad habit of buying dlc's before playing the game so it would be helpful to know before i spend money on it. if anything i'll save that money for more our life dlcs when they come out :D

XOXO Droplets does have a set MC. It’s the story of a specific person rather than a game about making your own story. All of our games prior to Our Life were about exploring MCs that were fully fleshed out people in their own right, so you can’t get the OL experience from what we did before. But we do plan to do more custom-style MCs going forward from here!

For the our life nsfw dlc, will you have to be in the patron to have it or  will there be another way for people who really support the game but can't pay to get it? 

I’m afraid not. We might put it up for sale somewhere other than Patreon someday (though never on Steam or Itch) since we know not everyone can use that site, but it will still cost money on any other hosting page we use. It’s unfortunately not a piece of content we can give away for free.

Hello! I finally got to play Xoxo Blood Droplets and it mentioned about a DLC coming out soon. Is it already out or are you still planning it?

We are still planning to finish it when we can, we just had to put it on hold because 2020 was a tough year and we needed to put all our focus on Our Life. There’s some of the extra DLC stories available for beta testing on the Patreon.

Is there a link to the soundtrack for Xoxo Blood Droplets? I really like the music in this game! 

That’s not available yet, but we’ll probably put it up for sale once the rest of the stories are done.

Would there be any chance for XOXO Droplets OSTs to be released in the future? (Please take my money-) 

We might! There are some things we wanna do and fix before we really start advertising XOXO Droplets things again, but hopefully it all comes together.

Why does Cove dislike Shiloh so much despite all of Shiloh's efforts to get along? I can understand his dislike for Lizzie, but why Shiloh? 

They met under bad terms (with an arranged play date he had no choice in), Shiloh’s sort of pushy himself when it comes to trying to get along, and Cove thinks he’s just kind of unusual in how he interacts/reacts with people. They don’t click, basically.

Is there a way to have your character be a tsundere? And have Cove toughened up a bit due to that? Sorry if the is a stupid question! ^^;

Maybe? The options in the game aren’t based on those types of personality tropes and I don’t know them well enough to say if you can accurately find a way to make it work with the available options. But it’s not a stupid question, I’m sure plenty of other people have considered something similar c:

do voiced names work only with their exact spelling? cause my mc is called Sophia and one of the voiced names is Soffia so i was wondering but if only works like that it's fine (sorry if i made any mistakes, english isn't my first language) 

“Voice” and “text” are separate! You can pick the “voice” you want and then type in whatever “text” you prefer. And your English is really good.

Will OL:NF be based on a season/break like the first game? Or some other type of setting? 

Our Life: Now & Forever takes place over the full course of Autumn. So, the start of school and then into the fall holiday season type of time period.

Will we ever see a jealous cove😭😭 please im begging u- 

Only in small ways, really. Sadly, I’m just not someone who enjoys jealousy in stories and therefore I don’t know how to implement it in a way that feels enjoyable. Maybe I’ll figure out a angle I can work with in future projects.

Do you have any plans with Our Life once step 4 has been released along with step 3's DLCs? 

After the Step 3 DLCs and Step 4 we’ll be releasing the Cove wedding DLC, the Derek romance DLC, and then the Baxter romance DLC. The project will likely be considered fully complete at that point.

Hello, I just needed to first of all sat how amazed I was when I discovered this game. I thought I would be disappointed by the lack of love interests, but you worked so hard to make sure Cove is the Best Boy for so many different people!! It really has been my comfort game for a while now, and I think all the different choices you allow make it the best romance game I’ve played in my life. The only problem is now my expectations for love are Cove level, and no one can live up to that. You’ve put so much consideration to make this game super inclusive and I think it’s amazing. If I can ask, for the exclusive NSFW Patreon dlc, will it only be available for the month it comes out? Or could I become a patron months later and still be able to download it. I just don’t have a job right now otherwise I would LOVE to subscribe to your Patreon and definitely will once I have the money again!! Thank you so so much for making such a lovely game that’s brought me so much joy.

&

Hiya! I'm so sorry for sounding like a complete degenerate for asking, but will the nsfw moment on patreon still be available even if i'm not a patron of the month it comes out? (e.g. i didnt pay/join the necessary tier before the moment is released) Thank you for your hard work on OL, I really connected with Cove in a way I never anticipated.

Thank you very much for such kind words! The Patreon DLC will be up for download on the Patreon indefinitely once it’s done. Just like the normal DLCs, you can pay to get it whenever you like but it won’t be up for sale until it’s finished. So take all the time you need.

Sorry to bother you guys, but there was an earlier ask detailing the OL LI's love languages and I was just wondering- Would that be for them personally, as in what they do, or the love language they enjoy receiving the most? Because I know for some people it's different for both on giving and receiving and was a bit confused, haha. Sorry for the trouble, your games are really nice!

For Cove and Derek it’s what they like to receive and what they give. For Baxter, it’s what he likes to get. What he gives is tailored to his partner. He’s flexible that way~ And it’s no trouble.

asking (and also fanning... fanboying? fangirling? fanpersoning? screw it- from a distance) anonymously because my confidence is nonexistent.

will you be doing a kickstarter for our life: now and forever? i know it's probably been asked and mentioned before, but will you be doing a kickstarter akin to the one done for our life: beginnings and always? if so, will you be doing similar tier rewards? (if you guys do so, i will [politely] throw my money at you).

now, to the fan.. personing? FAN. uhm. to the part where this anonymous agender idiot will begin to act as the fan they are.

THE GAME IS SO. SO NICE. IT'S CUSTOMIZABLE. I'M REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT PART. AAAAA I ALSO ENJOY THAT YOU GAVE US THE OPTION TO JUST STAY BEST FRIENDS OR SOMETHING A8DBAIHEW- AND YOU INCLUDED AROS AND ACES IN THAT SEXUALITY CHOOSING PART- aaaAAA AND YOU MADE ELIZABETH FILIPINO- THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR CREATING SUCH AN INCLUSIVE GAME!!!

to summarize; will you be doing a kickstarter? and thank you for creating such a nice game. i, and likely the majority if not all of those who have played the game, am thankful.

Aw, thanks <3! I’m so happy it was such a nice experience for you. We are planning on having a Kickstarter for Our Life: Now & Forever. It’ll have similar rewards to the Our Life: O&A Kickstarter, but some changes will have to be made. Like, we’ll definitely need to increase the rate for getting a voiced name. Originally it was $3USD, which was super low for how much work it really took to add in a customized piece of voice acting, aha. Live and learn.

So sorry if you've already answered this, I looked but I couldn't find anything. Is the 18+ DLC coming out alongside the Step 3 DLC, or do they have different development timelines entirely? I'm so excited for all the DLC coming out in the future, and even though the release dates aren't out, I'm already counting down the days. :)

They have different development times and will come out separately. Despite taking place in the same Step period, they’re disconnected pieces of content and making progress on one doesn’t mean the other is closer to being finished. The normal Step 3 DLC is releasing first. It’s great to hear you’re looking forward to them!

Hey!! I'm absolutely LOVING Our Life! I have been pondering on one question though, what's Cove's ethnicity, if there is a set one? Or is it something we can Headcanon? 

&

hi hi! i wanted to say first of all that i absolutely adore our life. it's one of my favourite games of 2020, and i think it was just the perfect dose of positivity we all needed, even if you didn't intend to release it during such a hectic year lol! secondly, i wanted to say: if it's alright to ask, what ethnicity is cove? :-0 and what about his parents? i was just curious about it ^^)/ thank you!!

Cove’s mom, Kyra, is white. But his dad’s, Cliff’s, race doesn’t come up and players are able to headcanon it. So Cove is half white and half whatever you prefer Cliff to be! 

hello! there was a post on the patreon where you can run your fingers down cove's chest in errands - how do you get that scene? ♥ 

That was an old mistake on my part- you can only get that scene in the Ending rather Errands. You have to leave the big family dinner at the restaurant to go into the car, be dating Cove for a while, have Cove come see you there, and then mention using your hands when Cove makes a joke about hands.

in baxter’s dlc, is there any point where you can tell him about the previous renters of the condo? 

You can talk to him about that in the normal Step 3 DLC!

—– —– —– —–

Thank you for all the interest in our games everybody :D

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[alyasgf]

Adrien’s Admirer- Adrinette April Day 6 -Anime!

Summary- Adrien Agreste has a secret admirer and its none other than Marinette Dupain Cheng.

Word Count

1650

Excerpt

Realizing how insane it’d look to carry all of these presents to Adrien at once and that all of them being from her might be weird, an idea struck.

“What if I hid them around for him to find from a secret admirer!” Marinette proposed excitedly. “It’d be perfect! I’d be able to see his adorable reactions without feeling embarrassed!”

AO3

The pedestal Marinette had put Adrien on in her younger years had been far too high. It seemed the more time she spent with him the dorkier and more human he became. First it had been the puns, then his concerningly large ladybug merchandise collection that he was extremely fond of, and now he’s a huge anime fan.

Marinette hadn’t meant to find his anime dvd collection. He had asked her to choose a movie while he grabbed snacks since they finished studying early enough that Nathalie had yet to come to kick her out. She had already gone through a few shelves when she found one that seemed to be hidden in a corner. As she looked closer she noticed the entire shelf was filled with volumes of anime, and the shelf beside it manga.

She couldn’t imagine why it was hidden. Was he ashamed? Adrien had been sheltered most his life and the way he acted, well Marinette was surprised she hadn’t realized sooner. Half his lines felt as though they were picked straight from an anime.

As she heard him approach the door she chose a random horror movie and went to sit down. This gave her a perfect idea.

As Adrien went to a closet collected blankets to sit on, Marinette began brainstorming for the perfect birthday present to incorporate her latest discovery.

————————————————————

By the time September 3 rolled around Marinette was slightly worried she’d gone too far this time. At first, she decided to just design a sweater with a few of the animes she remembered seeing in his collection. But she saw the cutest My Hero Academia beanie while at the shops and just had to remake it. Then came socks, pjs, and a ladybug mug she she happened to pass by.

But any friend would go out of their way to cater to a friends interests right?

“Absolutely not, Marinette.”

“Well thanks Alya.” Marinette huffed while packaging all of the gifts in her room the night before.

“Girl, I think its about time you told him! Its been years and not just anyone spends upwards of 40 hours working on gifts for a ‘friends’ niche interest.” Alya cooed at her from atop of her bed.

“Are you crazy? I just gained enough confidence to be his friend, confessing my love to him is a whole other level I can’t even begin to be ready for!” Realizing how insane it’d look to carry all of these presents to Adrien at once and that all of them being from her might be weird, an idea struck.

“What if I hid them around for him to find from a secret admirer!” Marinette proposed excitedly. “It’d be perfect! I’d be able to see his adorable reactions without feeling embarrassed!”

Alya sighed. “I guess it’s better than you panicking and never giving them to him.” She replied dejectedly.

“Thats the spirit.” Marinette said, taping the last perfectly wrapped gift and joining her friend on the bed. “Now since you’re here you’re obligated to help me plan this.”

“I’m not the one with his schedule memorized.” Alya complained, groaning. “What help am I?”

“Moral support!”

———————————————————

Adrien woke up the next morning to his usual. A lonely breakfast and a report of his schedule from Nathalie. He almost could have been fooled into thinking it was any other day.

“Your father sends his wishes Adrien.” Nathalie said as she walked out of the room.

One thing he could be excited by was school. There there’d hugs and birthday wishes and maybe even a sweet snack from a certain blue eyed girl.

————————

As expected, as he steeped out of the sleek black car (after receiving a small Ladybug action figure from the gorilla) he was practically toppled by Nino.

“Happy birthday bro!” He exclaimed, hugging him tightly.

Adrien smiled fondly at the boy. “Thanks Nino.” He said with a chuckle.

“Hopefully your old man will let me come over after school and I can give you your present then?.” Nino questioned hopeful.

“Sorry, I have fencing after school.” Adrien sighed.

“Can’t you just skip? It is your birthday after all.” Nino whined.

“You know how he is. The world could be ending but as long as I’m on time for my appointments he won’t care.” Adrien replied, walking along with Nino towards the front of the school.

As he approached he saw Alya and Marinette camping out by the entrance.

Once they were in hearing distance Adrien said, “Good news is he allowed me to spend lunch outside the house! I figured we could all spend it at the park.”

Marinette squealed excitedly as she ran to hug him, nearly squishing the pastry box she held in the process.

“What she means by that is happy birthday.” Alya laughed while she waited her turn to hug him.

“Happy birthday Adrien!” Marinette said with a slight blush as she handed him the box.

Inside was what looked to be 5 handmade passion fruit macarons, same as she had given him for the last 2 years. It still managed to warm his heart.

“Thanks guys.” He said hugging Alya and mouthing a thank you to Marinette. “If you have anything for me wait until lunch so it can almost be a real party?”

Everyone nodded in response. “Just us?” Nino asked.

“Preferably.” Adrien said sheepishly.

They all walked together to the lockers, chatting comfortably. Marinette seems a little anxious, for what reason Adrien couldn’t say.

He opened his locker and a small black box tumbled out. He caught it and looked at Nino questioningly.

“Wasn’t me.” He said shrugging. “Looks like a note fell out though.” He picked it up from the floor and handed it to Adrien.

“Happy birthday! Thank you for being a ray of sunshine for everyone.” Adrien read aloud smiling fondly. “It’s not signed?”

“Someone as a secret admirer.” Nino teased. “Now hurry up and open it I’m intrigued!”

“Okay okay.” Adrien said, his smile growing as he saw the contents. Inside was a sweater decorated with a Parasyte theme.

“I didn’t know you liked anime.” Nino said curiously.

“Eh never came up.” Adrien replied. He pulled the jacket over his head and looked down at it. Looking at it now he made a discovery. The jacket looked custom, and he only knew one person capable of such a feat.

“Nino I think Marinette made this!” Adrien exclaimed in a hushed tone. “Why wouldn’t she sign?”

“Maybe she wanted it to be anonymous?” Nino closed his locker and started heading to class.

“Should I tell her I know?” Adrien asked, following close behind.

“Nah she clearly wanted it to be secret, just keep it that way.”

—————-

Marinette was still giddy from that morning. The way Adriens eyes lit up when she handed him the pastry box was only matched by the smile that spread across his face when he pulled the present from his locker.

She decided to give the ladybug mug to him in person, figuring giving him an anime present may give away the identity of his secret admirer.

As she sat behind him in class she couldn’t help but sigh at how nicely the sweater fit him. She could definitely get used to seeing him in her designs.

Suddenly she felt a strong elbow in her side.

“Marinette!” Alya whispered aggressively. “Mademoiselle Bustier has called your name twice already!”

“Here!” Marinette blurted out immediately.

“Yes I’m aware you’re here Marinette. I asked if you could read the next section.”

She heard a small chuckle from Adrien and sheepishly decided to focus on how the jacket fit him another time.

—————————

Marinette had ran into a slight problem after lunch. She had already given Adrien his mug (he squealed in delight when he received it), left the beanie in his locker after lunch (he immediately shoved it on and hadn’t taken it off yet) and planned to hide the socks in his fencing bag after school, but she still had yet to give him the phs.

She ran over his schedule about a thousand times throughout the day and could think of no other opportunity that wouldn’t give away her identity as his secret admirer.

“Isn’t there any way you could leave it at his house?” Alya suggested.

“No his dad’s assistant might say something. I just don’t wanna risk it!” Marinette whined.

Then an idea struck.

“Actually Alya I just remembered something in his schedule that leaves a perfect time.” She fibbed.

——————

Adrien was on cloud nine. All of Marinette’s gifts were perfect. You could tell she put thought into them. She even left little notes with each one.

The beanie came with a note that said ‘Thank you for being the such an amazing friend’ and the socks he received during fencing came with a note that read ‘your smile brightens up my world.’ What a nice thing to say to a friend.

As he went up to his room after an extremely exciting day he opened his door to see a flash of red leave through his open window. He could recognize the sound of that string anywhere.

Ladybug had just been in his room!

He looked around to see if anything was different. On his bed he saw a perfectly wrapped gift. It was wrapped in lavender paper with a pink ribbon.

On top was a note. ‘My heart is forever yours’

Adrien’s heart stopped.

That’s Marinette’s handwriting. Marinette’s decorative paper. Marinette’s methodically wrapped gift.

Still in shock he opened it and it confirmed his suspicions. Inside were Death Note pjs.

Marinette had been anonymously giving him anime gifts all day.

Marinette was Ladybug. Ladybug was his secret admirer.

————————————

As they were leaping across building that evening Chat could tell Ladybug was in a good mood.

“Thanks for the gifts today, Marinette.” The blonde hero mentioned casually.

Ladybug effectively face planted into the ground.

Notes

A little late to the party but here nonetheless.

Also I didnt reread this before posting so if you see any mistakes,,, no you didnt :)

@adrinetteapril

[arpiniko]

So art review huh? ofc i'm later that most other artists. i always am.

what a year huh?

i know it is supposed to be only about art in here. but i really feel like sharing the overall run of that year. for myself. and since my ankle is swollen and in a bit of pain from unknown spider bite and i cant sleep its a good time to write it right? i'll tag it as a long post i guess so you can skip it. and maybe figure out how to put this all unter a cut on pc later.

january 2k21. what a year. or more. it felt like it lasted for actual 3years or 5min. i remember only deep darkness. oh i spiralled down as if i were pole dancing slide then. moment ago, i was with my fren buying some xmass presents for her fam and some of her frens. oh i was jealous of that. her having them in some kind of unwritten deal of getting each other presents. i wanted to be that. i wanted to matter to others. and just few days later. jan. and i felt so bad i told her i might be taking a break from social interactions. spoiler alert. itwas the dummiest thing i did all year. or actually the outright bad, terrible step. that made me miserable. i barely started that tarot art series, i had huge hopes with that. but. i mentally was so low. the lowest ever. just finished my phd. my bro wed. my other bro created a one man photo studio or sth. and i was the most miserable i ever was. even worse than after or before any operation i had.

january was... a void. so was feb, and march and april. but with those i will write more below. but... it was terrible for me. i got out of bed bc i had no other idea living with parents and having them 24/7 around. thats good in retrospect. but i can tell weekly i ate maybe total of 4 dishes. not full. just dishes. the only thing that got me going was my hammy. Płomyczek. little flame if you may, my little sunshine. you remember that post about a guy who had depression and got shrimps and they elevated him from the darkness? it was similar but not as strong. it just kept me.... nose above the water level.

also. january was just after my granny had a head stroke. she spent few weeks at hospital recovering. and you would expect her to come back very disabled. many have that after one. but she came back so similar. tired. recovering. relearning how to write, and loosing words. but... she could walk. read. count remember talk and do basicly anything she could before. so thats a great news! she still needed a lot of help. shes being after hesd stroke. grandpa still recovering after his half foot amputation. that was not ..... ideal. and i had to be the one, in my very drowning condition, that took care of them. me. who barely ate a 2day meals over the week. i had to have strenght to help granny with groceries, carry and help grandpa with putting on clothes, any house chores. i was living for them. not for me. i barely lived for hammy. and now i had to find any strenght to go daily and commute 1h each time to grandparents. do art. bc that was the only thing i did for myself then.

february was very similar. i drew some more tarot (thanks gods i at least could do any art at all), took care of plomyczek and grandpas and i got back on discord on one group. just one. it was the art one with few of my irl freinds. they didnt do much like... they couldnt. i would not allow to drag others with me. oh right. i forgot to mention why the isolation from my fren in the first place. she was going through her very hard and exhausting studies. some other shit oappened o her. and she was already succumbing to darkness. and my foolish ass though that with breaking any convos with her would ease the pain she had. that i wouldnt flood with my problems and i was dgragging her down. maybe i was. maybe i wasnt i dont know that. anyway. the dc. that was another spark that kept me up. just. social interactions. seeing other ppl arts. hearing their ups and downs and just.... people. around. even virtually. that was. what actually i think lifted me up. i wasnt just nose over water level. it was one eye. sometimes two. or maybe mouth. but still never good. but it was a little step forward.

so far forward that:

march.

i wrote a letter. with pen in paper. you know the one you see in movies or sth. to my fren. the one i ghosted. bc i felt a bit better. and i saw in her update on ig as i randomly after a long time of inactivity i saw she was very much struggling with her uni and life. and i wasnt there. but i wasnt yet ready. or rather i already went so deep i didnt know how to speak again. so i wrote a letter to her. i know i tend to over you i's and me's and all when i talk. so i prioritised in there to onlt speak of her. to encourage, to give her a bit of reassuring. i am so bad with words. it must have been terrible letter. on one hand i hope she burned it bc it was awful. but on the other. i hope it means to her. bc she means a lot to me!

i gave her the letter with a bit of hmmmmmm snacks? i dont know... few snacks, a bit of cookies i baked with very little strength that i used to bake them rather than eat for a day i believe. but. i said i gave her it? well plan was to just go to her home and just..... hang it on the fence. i wasnt ready to face her. i really wasnt. but.... something made me not hang it. i... texed her. asking is she was at home. oh gods i trembled so hard there. it was hella cold but my body was so boiling from cold sweat. i was pretty sure i was gonna collapse or run away or dunno. but she was there. she went out. saw me. and invited over. oh i was pathethic. i still am. even now reminiscing about that brings up tears. but. if i had therapist they would say it was the greatest step i could do atthat state. anyway. we had a bit of talk. i was crying all the way. but i hoped we can just ignore it and take it as a game bug xD i believe. i want to believe i helped her. somehow. just her knowing, maybe? that i care. i miss her. i do regret. but ok. she sorted out the school stuff not soon after. so i like to tell myself at least i .... didnt nailed her coffin.

there was other thing that happened in march. barely it started. i... had to bid farewell to plomyczek. some things happened. maybe my neglectence or some other reason. but he caught some nasty bacteria. and basicly blocked his nose. and hamster cant breath with mouth as humans. i run like crazy. on even less sleep and food than before. i went to 3 diff vets. gave him a lot of meds. but i was too late, he was too tired. and the source of it wasnt knows. who knows? maybe that was covid? but i decided to put him to sleep. ahd here comes more tears. oh boy. he was my sunshine. my little flame of hope. when i chaned his water i got some for myself. i gave him a apple and got some for myself.he greeted me in the evening and was by me all the worst hours of the day back then. and he left. i just hoped he never had to suffer. honestly. i only remember that rush time as a blur. i only wanted him to be safe and happy. only that matters. ..... that was very hard emotionally month for me.

april. it took me about month. to recover from grief. maybe long maybe short. i still miss plomyczek very much. i started talking with ren a bit. very, very little. but thats better than nothing. slowly i guess. but this month wasnt easy on me either. some may say its nothing. but for me it was... very difficult. i mean i got new hamster. maybe too fast. maybe not. wegielek. little coal. (i guess you can tell i have a certain system for names heh) and i believe he was a bit traumatised in a pet shop. dunno how exactly but his socialization and taming was very difficult. nonetheless i loved him immediately. he has a little temperament. and i love wim with his little trauma. i try to ease it as i can. and it works most of the time. but he still has some ticks. but i love him. so thats a happy thing to happen.

the unhappy thing is... april i know as my birthday. well mine and my bro. since hes also from april (later few days but older 3 years). i know corona and stuff was still happening barely first vaccs were given to eldest. but he still invited some frends over. then went to bar to have a drink. and... me. i.... i ofc got some wishes from fam. since they are there 24/7 right. but.... i got only one more wish from friend. and not the one that i was close with anymore. and thats it. we had a thing on that dc server where we wrote our bday dates. and we would cheer and all for each other... and somehow.... none noticed. i also spent the whole day. waiting for the one little text. from that fren. but none came in. not that day. not tomorrow. not week later. she forgot. everyone did.

but you know. one person. one anonymous on here. one person wrote me a little bday wishes as ask. and i havent replied to that yet. why? bc that alone kept me up for months now. its sincere. and i hope whoever sent it had a wonderful year and has a amazing this and next and next and next and how long they want. thank you.

and april finished. i was devastated about that birthday. i was so sad. i actually spent the next day never getting up. first time in a year. even my family felt i couldnt get up. but it passed.

i dont really remember much about may. meaning nothing too bad happended then. oh wait no. i do remember one thing. just after the end of april i twisted my ankle. and had to get some first aid or whatever its called. and i realized my insurance might be gone by now. i have never worked. i only went to school and that ended in 2020. and i actually might have to pay few hundreads for my health. (shaddup americans. this is new concept to me. let me be scared as well) turned out my uni's insurance was valid till end of may. i was safe for now. but what then? covid was raging. work was either impossible to get or i had no mental capacity to even apply let alone attend anything. so maybe another studies? course? anything. and i applied for a free school for a disabled and elderly caretaker assistant. me. a pshysicly disabled bitch with crippling depression were to learn how to take care of others. ye i know, jokes.

but i had to take whatever. and classes were online anyway and never in peson and never even knew my teacher bc all was sent in pdf's etc. but i.... learned. a bit. ye. finally after years understood how to read and understood pressure. thanks school. so that. attending these classes made my legal status again as a student. meaning my fam can connect me to their insurance and it doesnt cost like 100+zl per month but barely 6zl a month. big diff right. and i kept that status through holidays.

ah yes. holidays.

june july and august. there weren't much stuff happening again. usual. nothingness during covid times, i stayed home that time. i even had i think 2 weeks free house. home alone if you will. i havent rested in so long like back then. i felt so much better. i hadnt my family constantly on my back since they went to mountainside. i hoped i could invite some friends over but non could. i tho got invited to my friend for oh ever so divine pierogi! or rather dumplings. bc they were gyosa dumplings. but holy fuk! she made them herself and as always they were just so delicious, and she made herself the sauce and oh gods i'm hungry now. (that friend is one of admins on that dc server i mentioned) i wish i could cook something for her in return but its never goingvto be so oh sooooooo amazing and her dumplings.

this post is already hella long. but also there wasnt much great or terrible happenings. i cant pinpoint most of the events to the certain date or sth. but there was few good things - usual meeting with local art friends from around were resumed! unfortuantely on black saturday (you know us have black friday and poland has black week) so the crowds around were AWFUL. and the meet was smaller than usual also bc covid. but it was still so amazing to meet these few ppl i havent met ever since covid started.

on the other hand. my psychiatrist lets say... broke up with my case. like she straight forward told me she sees she doesnt help me anymore and i shall find a new one. which is fine i guess. i understand where she comes from. but it also felt a bit like a betrayal. but. what is importan she gave me prescription for my meds for half a year. thats good. plenty of time to fine new one. but also. somehow. i dont recall exactly when. but i.... gradually stopped taking meds since that event. and i know what some may say - its very dangerous, and i will spiral down or sth. but. BUT. i took into consideration all that. i have them on hand all the time. if i ever feel like my chin is touching the water. i have them. i can get them. but the thing is. i may not be happy yet. i may be so oh so broken still. but. its much much better than i was before.

this january. vs the one last year. i cant even comprehend anymore how i could led to that drowning. and after i stoped taking meds. and mind you its now about 4-5th month since then, i have much better controll over myself, my moods, my thoughts. my mind and body. i still will burst into tears when thinking of plomyczek, i still am zoning out and dissociating, bit also i get myself together slowly. i make some small changes to my life. very small. but before, they were impossible, i am starting again on building my portfolio to get to art school. hopefully i'll make it till june, and i finnally hoping to get myself to some therapy and doc that will tell me if i have adhd bc that shit sounds too familiar to not be a case in my too many problems xD

things arent bright yet. but they are not overwhelmingly dark and drowning as they were. in this deep black waters i think i finally found place where i can keep my head above water and feel my feet on some ground. i do hope i can get up and get better soon!

so, to everyone that ever helped me, with word, with thought, with commission, with smile or pierogi, with a hug or a funky meme, i see you and i love you a little bit. Thank you! it really means a lot to me!

[justsomeantifas]

i grew up in South Florida with my Mom. I was born in Michigan, and around 2000 or so, my dad ending up dying in a pretty messed up way. My mom sent me to live with my grandparents for a while. We lived in New York for a little while, Washington D.C. and finally we moved to Florida. When my mom finally came back to Florida, we lived together till around 2016, and thats when we moved back to Michigan. The whole time i was growing up, my mother never mentioned my dads side of the family, so i never had any contact with them, until we moved back. When i moved back, a few of my aunts, my cousins and my brother started to get in contact with me. I was away from them for over 18 years, and they still remembered me. Because i never had contact with them, i was a little spooked, but i never forgot about them. So around thanksgiving of 2018, i ended up going to jail. I was doing bad things and i ended up turning 21 in jail. My birthday is in January, and i didnt get out until around the beginning of april. When i got out, i came home to find everything that i owned, was sold. My clothes, my T.V.sentimental items, everything. My mom got really bad into drugs and was really abusive, so i decided to leave. I was homeless for about 2 months. During this time, i was volunteering at a local soup kitchen. I started because i was assigned community service hours, but i went everyday to help because i was homeless, so that gave me a hot meal to eat, and it made me feel good also. I actually did alot for that company, they had me as the face of thier Company, and i also was on the raido for it. Well, i also ended up missing two court dates during this time, so even though i was volunteering, i had 2 warrants over my head. While i was going thru this, i was feeling really low. I didnt have a job, i was in a city i wasn’t familiar with, and i was homless and on the run. I felt like i was completely alone, i had nothing and i couldnt lose anything. I started to post some really dark things on my facebook, and thats when my dads side of the family reached out to me again. It was one of my cousins, and he told me he would come and get me for the weekend to stay and get my mind off things. I agreed, and from the moment he picked me up, i never felt love like this before. He tookd me out to Ohio, and introduced me to all my grandmas, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins and my brother. I wasnt alone anymore. So that following week, i decided to turn myself in and get everything over with and out the way, so i could start doing better again. So, i did. By the grace of god, the Judge dismissed all my cases, i only had to do 2 weeks and i was released from probation. Within that same hour, i was on my way to Ohio to start a new life. Ive been here since around October, and ive never been happier. I got a job, i record music everyday and im happy. But this is where i need help. Me and My moms side of the family dont get along very well. I was absent for a very long time, so i dont have contact with them. When we moved back, My great grandma was the only person i still have contact with. Shes 93 and I try to talk to her whenever i can. Well, yesterday i called, and she told me some things. She has very bad vision problems, and a very bad heart. She told me the last 4 days, she was admitted into the hospital because of her heart. The hospital released her, and gave her some medication to take for 30 days until we go back on the 24th, but last night she had another attack at 3am in the middle of the night. Right now she is in Adrain Michigan, i am in Columbus Ohio. I work at a restaurant, so ive been off work for the past 2 weeks or so. I have no money and i dont know what to do. Ive asked everyone i could, and no one can help. 

I hate to ask, but if anyone could please just spare somewhere around 100 so i can pay for a bus ticket there and back, or if someone could get me a bus ticket for there and back. Im at a loss right now and this is my last resort. 

My cashapp is $jayviouswooley my venmo is @jayviouswooley. My # is 419-297-3589 if needed. Thank you.

[diamondsnpolaroids]

I know I havent posted in awhile, and I will catch you all up on my weekly polaroid progression shots but I've really been struggling this week and I need to get it out somewhere.

Yes. I am still pregnant. In 3 days I'll finally be 40 weeks. A milestone I never thought I'd get to because this entire pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions, pain and endless struggles. I didnt want to be pregnant this long. At all. This is going to be long and there will be a lot of personal details, but I need to get it out. I'm tired of having all these thoughts with no outlet.

Since I was 16 years old I was convinced I would never be able to have a child. It was always a devastating thought until I got to the age of 22 when i finally kind of accepted the fact and was okay not becoming a mother. The one thing i wanted between those years, the one thing that broke my heart was I'd never be able to experience the feeling of being pregnant. That may seem silly because that's such a short period of time when it comes to being a mother. 9 months of growing a human compared to the years and years of seeing that person grow is so minuscule. But for some reason that was always what broke me most.

I was dating the same man that entire time. I was 16 when we first starting dating, and I'll be convinced till the day I die that he was my soulmate. He was my best friend over absolutely anything. I could be my totally authentic self with him. He knew how weird I was and stayed. He watched me drown myself in my depression and stayed. He saw me act like a child, like an adult, my worst and best moments. Experienced my grief and my biggest accomplishments and was always right there for me. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict father I knew I needed a man that would never abandon his family for those things. He was the man I knew I never needed to worry about.

I never really noticed the abusive behavior. The mental torture, isolation, the control he held over me, how hard his harsh words would hit.. it never really crossed my mind because when the good times were good, they were great. When they were bad, I was convinced it was all on me. My depression was the controlling one. My insane mind was the problem. Never him. Then the alcohol started to take over. He consumed himself in it whenever he had the chance. His childhood was ruined by this substance just like mine was and he was slowly turning to it instead of working out his trauma that it caused. Hed increase the intake slowly but surely and when it got too much for me to handle I'd cry and beg that he stopped. Seeing how upset it made me the first few times hed stop or slow down. But it was never for long. Hed go a week and then once again it would slowly increase and the cycle would continue. After awhile, I was "crazy" and he was "just doing what everyone our age was doing". No one our age was drinking 6+ a night on week days and spending $200 at least per night on the weekends. By the time we hit 7 years it got to an all time low. April of 2019 I realized all of this wasnt okay any more. An old friend had walked into my life and for the first time in years I was treated like a human being with feelings. Real feelings that were valid. I was told and shown that I was no where near the same happy girl I once was. It was all over my face and in my body language that I was a totally different person and not in a good way. It was clear just by looking in my eyes that I was severely depressed. I was reassured that my decision to split to work on ourselves was indeed the best step forward I could have ever taken.

My boyfriend reluctantly agreed to end the relationship for the sake of bettering ourselves or else we'd never last as a long term couple. He stopped drinking. Wed still hangout but was met with an extreme depression on his end, begging for me to stay and help him through it as if I hadn't tried for years and years. I knew nothing I could do would make him change, it needed to be a decision he made for himself. He had ruined every part of my being and I needed to explore who I was as an individual. My old friend made me feel ways I hadn't in years and eventually I caved to my emotions and desperate need to feel wanted without the attachment and abusive behavior always on my shoulders. I wasnt with my ex, and I kept it from him. After a month I started to notice his changes but it wasnt enough. He still tried to keep me wrapped around his finger while questioning my every move. He was working on it though, and I was noticing the change, but I couldnt stop what I was doing.

After another month he found out. He was upset, naturally, but was still around. He still wanted to work on it. Then 3 days later I took my first pregnancy test. It was positive. I kept it to myself praying it was a fluke. I took 2 more the next day. It wasnt. I took one last one, called my doctor, then called him over. I told him, and it wasnt an ideal reaction. He was forcing an abortion on me. For someone who never thought they could get pregnant, to find out after years that it was indeed possible, I just couldnt. This was a miracle in my eyes. Once I told him I couldnt, giving him the option to sign off all his rights and to stay away if that's what he wanted, he accepted he was going to be a father. But he also disappeared. Just up and left, and I was met with the worst mental abuse he could ever dish out for weeks. I had never felt so low in my entire life. Being told our child is a mistake, how terrible of a person I was and how him not being around is totally and completely my fault. What i failed to mention is for the last 3 years of our relationship he would use snapchat to talk to girls behind my back. I'd check his phone after every fight and hed go out drinking, just to see up to 7 different girls names with a "sent" notification beside them. I'd delete them off his contacts, confront him, ect ect, but he never stopped. I was always ashamed I stayed with someone who could do this but my love for him was so blind and so strong.. I couldnt let go.

Whenever I would mention all the hurt he caused me, it never compared to me sleeping with someone else while we weren't even together. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. And he couldnt take even an ounce of responsibility for how he treated me and pushed me out of his arms. After 2 weeks of us knowing I'm pregnant, he started seeing someone else. He was drinking beyond what he ever was with me, and now he was with someone else. Some girl who was also fresh out of a long term relationship, totally okay with the fact he was to but also expecting a baby with. I shouldnt have been mad or upset, we weren't together, but it hurt. I wanted the man I thought I'd never have to worry about being a good dad to actually be here with me on this journey. But he wasnt. For the months to come he gave me promises that their relationship wasnt an offical thing and reassured me he doesnt think she'll be around long. I shouldnt give up hope on us. My hormonal, emotional self prayed that was true.. until they became official in September.

Once that happened, it was like a ghost town. I only saw him for the 3 ultrasounds we had to pay for. He never came to any doctors appointments, he didnt feel the baby move, nothing. The entire time blaming me for him not being around. I sat at home every day after long shifts at work knowing I'm all alone in this world, growing a baby, doing everything by myself while he lived his life with no responsibility, laying next to her every night. Every day my heart broke. Some days were better than others, but not a single day I didnt wish and pray that hed atleast be there for his child. I knew my feelings weren't relevant anymore, I just wanted my son to have a father. He needed to have a father. I wasnt going to let my kid go through life always wondering why he wasnt enough for him like I did. I still hurt for myself, but no where near as much as I hurt for my son. I was given empty promises from my ex, he said hed call every day so atleast if he didnt watch our baby grow inside of me, hed atleast know his voice when he finally arrives. But hed go days without calling, and it would somehow turn into my fault because I hurt him too much to call his son.

I've spent this entire pregnancy working on myself, on my mental health, researching how to be a mother, what I need to do and stay away from, how to cope with every type of situation that may arise. I've done nothing but work on growing myself to be the best person I could be for my son. He just stayed drinking away his problems, distracting himself in every type of way he could. Avoiding all responsibilities of becoming a father soon.

Fast forward to about a week ago, when a phone call got a little spicy heated between us and ended in me sending him some snapchats of myself by his request. I know I shouldnt have, he was with someone else, but I missed him and wanted one last feeling of being wanted by the man I always thought I'd marry. I did exactly what broke me the last 3 years of our relationship and I really didnt feel bad about it. For 2 days this continued until it just stopped and he got cold with me. Once again, I'm left broken hearted but this time, I know it's my own fault.

During the time before this, for months I highly considered giving my son my last name. It made sense. He wasnt reliable enough to even spend 30 seconds every day to call his son, how could I ever believe hed be there every day for him once he was born? It was logical. Everyone who knew our situation told me I should even before I brought up that being an option I was weighing in my mind.

A few days after our snapchatting stopped, I had to finally tell him. I couldnt bring myself to blindside him with something so serious. I should have, really, but I still hold his feelings deep in my heart, and I couldnt hurt the man I spent over 7 years with like this. So I told him. He broke. But not in any way I ever thought he would. He confessed how he still loved me, how everyone around him knows he still loves me, ending with how much this would break his heart, giving us no chance of ever being together again. We'd never be able to do things as a family, hed never look at me or our son again. It was, to say the least, extremely intense. But it also left me wondering if this was one of the many manipulative ways he knows to get what he wants. He always brought "us" up to get his way on things. It felt genuine, but I'm also extremely hormonal and yes I still love and miss him like crazy.

It's been a few days since then and theres been no word of any feelings since. Hes been cold and more distant and my heart is once again broken into a million pieces. Hes called a couple times but he still misses days. I was given the go ahead to try and self induce labour by my midwives so I have been. When he calls and asks what I did with my day, I'd tell him. Last night apparently I shouldnt have. I was met with anger because I should "leave him be, he'll come when hes ready" as if he knows any kind of physical pain I've been through these last few months.

These past 2 weeks alone I have felt nothing but pain. Between feeling my hips separating, my pelvic bones shifting and my son's head descending lower, constant back pain, not being able to walk properly, my kid sitting on nerves leaving my legs feeling paralyzed or sending shocks into my vagina. Not being able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time max, peeing every hour on the hour, his feet kicking my ribs so hard I curl over, getting his feet stuck under them as well. The pains are unimaginable as you can see, now mixed with all the emotional distress I've been under... you could imagine how I'm ready for this child to enter the world. But no.. I'm being selfish. He isnt ready. I'm fine to keep going. Because apparently my ex knows everything my body is enduring just to bring our child into this world. It broke my fucking heart last night when he yelled at me for it. Absolutely shattered it.

Which brings us to this picture. I couldnt sleep once again, and every time I woke up I was met with mind numbing depression and long crying spells. I feel more alone than ever. My 16-22 years of age is crying for me knowing this was all I ever wanted out of life and it has been constantly ruined and brought down by a man I never knew would act the way he has been. This pregnancy was so easy in almost every aspect compared to most women, I've been so so blessed to have such an easy time physically and yet I constantly feel as if he has ruined this experience for me. Sometimes the mental abuse from a man is worse than the physical. And he knew exactly how to ruin this all for his own selfish needs. I've spent all day today feeling ruined, beaten down, and just straight up depressed. I'm not ready to be a mother, infact I am absolutely scared shitless to be one. But I'm willing to go through being scared over all this physical pain I've been through that seems never ending. I'm ready to meet and love my little man. But once again I feel like I cant even be happy about it because of my ex.

I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of being so inlove with a man who has shown me time and time again he wont be the father I always knew he could be. My heart hurts so bad for my son every single day. And I'm just.... tired. Which is why I'm posting this picture along with my story. I know some women have it worse with their pregnancies and the fathers leaving. I know some men can be all of this plus physically abusive towards women. I know I dont have it the worst, but I'm trying. I need to for my son. I doubt this post will get very far, and I know a lot of judgment will come my way for it, but if my pregnancy journey can help even one woman not feel so alone, then I'm happy with sharing it.

[malazansapper]

autism month april

april 18: autism: feelings at first learning/realization vs. now

well, this is an interesting thinking: when did i first realize? is there a point in time: idk? so: some milestones and remembrances.

maybe will be trying to remember the times big events were happening that should have let ones know something was amiss

i guess i was sharing previous post about being pulled out of public school really early on. the same thing had happened to my older sister tho, so maybe my parents just yhought: par for the course. my older sister actually didnt speak until 3{?} and had more outward problems. nothing done other than mom like full time helped her get through public school. hahah my parents were just clueless, we are probably all autistic.

hrm: the remembeances of me as a child are two: i would only get fussy when i had earache/infection {i have history with this from baby, up to rupturing eardrum as a teen}. this is yhat same: not showing outward signs {of any kind} so: not a problem :/. dad was just oblivious, and mom was focused to older sister, who eventually got diagnosed with learning disability{i dont think until like high school tho, and who knows if it was through my parents or the school} , so yhere wasnt much left for me :/. the other remembrance is that i would ask to be put to bed. my thought is that i would just get battered by the sensory world and couldnt manage a regular day hahah. i still nap often and just like fall asleep. my next younger sister is famous for her ability to just randomly fall asleep in weird places: m y parents would lose her as a child hahah; we go to concert together and she just lay down with everyone stand around and sleep hahahah {i protect} ;and youngest sister got yhe expression of adhd that is like frantic massive energy: amazes me. both younger sisters later got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. so: all of that: supposedly i hit all my milestones on time: but: my older sister definitely didnt and my parents didnt do a thing for it, so who knows if they even remember/noticed.

{edit: i had forgot, my littlest sister had to have speech therapy in early school too. she grew up in a different time tho: early school in the mid 2000s?}

the first time autism was mentioned was in my early teens? i guess my father heard some report about it or something (mid late 90s in the south?), thought it sounded like me enough to mention it to me, and that was the end of it hahaha.

im tired of remembering hahha: fast forward. suppose the idea/exploration of autism has been forming in my mind for yhe past two years or so. had my first relationship around 30 or so, and that experience, the things that would get reflecred at me theough another person/family, and the break up, kind of major life evented me into more awareness and exploring identity issues.

it took my speech systems fully failing, leading to job loss to propel me into the vocational rehabilitation system where i got diagnosed. that was just some months ago. tbh, still coming to terms with it. upset with parents? upset with systems? for the children. we all could have used so much help. i was easy yo ignore, so was just praised for not being a hassle and continued falling theough the gaps. but my older sister was discriminated against harshly {even by family: dad dislikes her, she mostly only had mom trying to protect her from the world, and we all picked up on yhat expression}, so i dont know which is worse hahahha.

so ya: damned feelings about autism and neurodivergence/mental illnesses/health in general. thinking its just an unfolding of my entire life. i think i have a strong feeling of upset at my parents for having kids they were/are unable to handle, but also im knowing they were both abused as children in many many ways, so who knows whats to be done. trying to finally figure things out for myself, alone. how to have a housing, a support, small monies for needs: having so little. how to be a self. is a crying sadness.

two of my sisters found other families, and another independence with relationships: just me alone

needing stopping now: no more processing

[rosenburg-lia]

What Does One Even Do?

WHAT? —  Lia has Vanessa over to discuss her situation.

WHEN? —   saturday night, april 4th

TRIGGERS? —  pregnancy

FEATURING —  Vanessa Montgomery ( @thevmontgomery ) mentions of Drew Torres and Tori Santamaria

lia: I cant be a mom, I barely even know how to take care of myself. One of the thoughts that swirled through Lias brain over the last hour. Still sat on the side of the bathtub, the pregnancy test laid on the sink. Her elbow resting on her knee as her focused trained on a specific spot on the floor. Her only move since she had seen the test was to grab her phone and text Vanessa. How the fuck does one even begin to take care of a kid? Taking a deep breath as she stood on shaky legs, collecting the test and her phone as she walked out of the bathroom. She couldnt even grab her usual vices to deal with the anxiety raking her body. Her body felt almost empty, her mind filled to the brim, but as she sat on the couch, wrapping herself in a ball, her hands instinctively fell to her stomach.

Vanessa: It was like her mind got a jump start reading Lia's message. Most of her messages went unnoticed, read, but unnoticed. There wasn't any reason she felt the need to see or speak to everyone all things considering, but Vanessa couldn't leave Lia at a time like this. Vanessa remembered going through all this alone. She remembered staring at the test, having no idea who to call and sitting in a dark room for days by herself. Vanessa wasn't going to let Lia go through that. As soon as she reached Luke and Lia's apartment, she moved straight through the house, finding Lia immediately and wrapping her arms around the girl. Was it for her comfort or the other girl's? It didn't matter, they both needed someone right now.

lia: she allowed herself to be engulfed by vanessa. the tears already falling from her eyes as she felt her arms around her. "I fucked up V," She choked out, "I cant be a mom," She spoke, glancing up to meet her gaze. She was grateful she had Vanessa in her life, even in whatever drama she was going through that made her leave town, she was still there when Lia needed her. But it would take some time for Lia, nothing was processing just feeling like facts floating through the air.

Vanessa: "you didn't fuck up, Lia," vanessa replied softly. it was all flushing back to her remembering this moment for herself. distraught on the floor feeling time collapsing. vanessa rubbed her friend's back, trying to provide whatever comfort she could bring. "we're going to get through this okay? together, i'm not going to let you do this alone."

liaa: "yea i did," She mumbled, her mind flashing through the memories of what shed done. Her night with Drew, telling Tori and subsequently losing her for now, and now this. "I cant let you say that without knowing the whole story," She sighed running her fingers through her hair. "The father is Drew," She spoke softly, "And I dont know what the fuck to do.."

Vanessa: it took everything in vanessa to pull herself together. she took a deep breath, "look, drew is an idiot, but he's gone through this before and i promise you he's going to do the right thing when you tell him, but i'm telling you you're going to have to tell him. you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't." she paused, feeling a little choked up about her own situation. vanessa stood up, and grabbing her friend's hand to sit on the tub rail. "we're going to go to the doctor and confirm how far along you are, but listen no impulsive thinking, no drinking, no smoking, no sleeping around, /nothing/."

liaa: her brows scrunched together at vanessas words, "What do you mean hes been through this before?" A sigh as she listened to her words, "I know, I plan on telling him. I will tell him," She paused before mumbling out, "eventually," Her eyes meeting vanessas as she spoke, nodding with her words, "I know, Im really sad too because I picked up a nice eighth," She chuckled, "Kidding...sort of," She sighed, "Im not sleeping around V, I never really have. Im taking this seriously, gonna read all the books and articles. Figure out my choices,"

liaa: "I dont even want to think about how Ill look pregnant, let alone if I have a kid," She spoke, "But I need to know everything, ya know?"

Vanessa: looked down, knowing she had to tell Lia eventually, after all that was the whole reason she came here. "At the end of Freshman year, I found out I was pregnant. He was there for me like with everything. He drove me to all my doctors appointments, let me stay over his place whenever my father got too much, even went on 2 am runs for me to get chinese and crap. And god, did that boy love my son with all his heart," she paused, her voice growing a little weak, but forcing some strength once she looked back to Lia. "He did right by me and he didn't even have to. With you, he's gonna give you and that baby the world if you let him," Vanessa explained. "We don't have to worry about any of that right now. What we need to worry about is you."

liaa: Her eyes widened, but she stayed silent, her brain did not however. The dots connecting in her head when Drew would disappear at times, realizing it was to go visit vanessa, to support her. A fond smile coming to her face as she thought about the boy, even as a best friend, he had been in dad mode from the jump. A part of her feeling warm knowing he wouldnt shove her away, or at least she hoped. "Im scared. Not worried, or nervous. But scared," She spoke, "Its terrifying to know that this has been growing in me, that someone is in there. Not just my organs anymore. I cant just go buckwild when I want because I want. My whole life is getting twisted V,"

Vanessa: "Come on, Li," Vanessa spoke softly. She wasn't going to let her friend be down on herself. She offered her hand out, "I'm gonna do for you what I wish someone would have done for me." Vanessa walked slowly, leading the girl back towards Lia's room and guiding her towards her bed. "Get in. Right now it's the size of a lima-bean at best. All this worrying is going to hurt you more than worrying will hurt the bean."

liaa: She smiled softly, taking her hand, following her through the apartment to her room. "V, its not my place, but did everyone know about your pregnancy? Or just drew?" She asked, "I dont think I want everybody, even the close ones, knowing," pulling the covers of her bed up, curling into them as she laid in the bed. "Ive grown up on worry, I think I can survive,"

Vanessa: pulled out her phone, her home screen showing a photo of Rocky and Vanessa sitting by a Christmas tree with matching smiles that took up their whole faces. "Drew's the only person who knew he was my son for a really long time, like almost three years now. Everyone else just assumed he was my little brother," she explained. "You only have to tell who you want to. I didn't even tell the father until a few months ago. Everyone isn't entitled to your life," she added. Vanessa laid in bed besides her friend, hoping that she was somehow helping. "You've gotta more than survive now."

liaa: Lia smiled as she saw the photo, "Hes adorable V," Listening as Vanessa spoke, her heart warming at the thought of Drew and Rocky interacting. "Im sure youre a great mom," She spoke softly, "Is Dallas the dad? Or did timelines overlap?" She asked, raising a brow, her tone void of all judgment and just interested in the part of her best friend she didnt know. "Why did it have to be Drew? Why couldnt it be Owen or Luke? Did God just wanna send a big fuck you my way? Want to ruin my relationship with Tori?" She sighed, "Or was it karma for not being honest with T from the gun? About everything.."

Vanessa: 's head dropped. She wasn't going to worry Lia about everything going her tragic motherhood. She wasn't a great mother, but that wasn't something she wanted to get into now. "Overlap," Vanessa said lowly. "Hence, me not telling the father until just a while ago." She knew it was wrong and saying it out loud made it all sound ghetto and fucked up, but that was her life. "Drew is not the worst person to have as your baby's father. Luke and Owen are not promised to step up, Drew will," Vanessa explained. "Have you told Tor he's the father yet?"

liaa: She nodded, "Thats fair, and at least you didnt have to lie to someone and or tell them you were wrong or something," She shrugged, "I didnt say he was, thats the issue. Hes perfect, the type to step up and actually support your decisions," She scoffed lightly, "She didnt even hear me out about sleeping with him, I dont think i can ever tell her im pregnant V," Looking at her friend with sad eyes, "It was like she was looking through me after I said it. I dont ever wanna see that look from her again,"

Vanessa: "I don't really wanna talk about Rocky's father if that's okay with you," Vanessa replied, not going too much into the subject. Her son was a sore spot for Vanessa, but the father situation was a whole different kind of pain. "Lia... You don't have to have this baby, you know that right?" Vanessa replied, her words slow so they could actually sink in. "I'm not on anyone's side! But you did sleep with her ex, you couldn't have expected her to just be calm and take that news like a champ. There's very few exes she cares about and you knew Drew was one of them..."

liaa: "Not a problem," She spoke with a nod. She knew better than to try and push Vanessa to talk about whats going on in her head. Turning towards her, a small smile, "I know. Im planning on looking at all options, even the ones that not everyone agrees with," A small shrug following her words, before she went silent. Listening to V speak, knowing she was more than correct in her words. "Its not that I expected her to be calm, but at least hear me out. She just defensive and harsh, which is fair, but i did expect some conversation about it," A small sigh as she ran her fingers through her hair, "its not like I meant to sleep with him V. I didnt hang out with him that night intending to see what his dick looked like, it just happened," Shaking her head lightly, "And I know its not an excuse, but its the truth. It wasnt planned, it wasnt like we ever intended on doing it. The plan was to be friends. Nothing more, nothing less, and now here we are,

Vanessa: "When have you ever known Tori to be much of a talker?" Vanessa replied playfully, shaking her head. "Okay ew! He's my best friend. I really really don't wanna talk about his dick! Whatever reason you had for hanging out with him is your business, but you've got to know that something was going to come from it. Drew too, but look we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now you need to get some sleep. All this worrying and back and forth isn't going to make this easier on you or really anyone involved."

liaa: "We've always been friends V, chaos comes to both of us, its enjoyable together," She shrugged, "I had never planned on being anything with him /after/ he got with Tori," She spoke, "All I know how to do is worry, especially when everything seems to be falling apart at the seams," It was true, everything she had known, was crumbling around her. Leaving her by herself in the storm, hanging onto Vanessa for dear life. "I just want it to be easier, but it wont be. And I know that,"

Vanessa: "You just gotta give her time, but you've also gotta be okay with the fact that she might never forgive you either," Vanessa explained, as much as she didn't want to think it would happen––Vanessa knew her best friend. "Whatever you decide to do, you know I'm gonna be by your side," Vanessa replied, interlocking her had with Lia's. "I wish I could tell you things are going to be easier, I really wish I could," she added softly. She'd be lying to saying anything about it, Vanessa knew /not/ knowing was always the easiest part. "It won't get better, you'll get better."

liaa: "I know, and I accept that. As much as it hurts, I know that she has that right. I betrayed her trust," She shrugged, "But shes always been there, i hate thinking about her not being here," A smile as she felt Vs hand in hers, "I appreciate you so much. For not judging more, or at least expressing it, and for being here. I know youve gone through something recently, and we dont got to talk about it. But it means something to me that your here right now," She spoke, an honest tone in her voice. "But youd be lying," She nodded, "Ive been told that for a while now. Seems like false hope,"

Vanessa: "Don't beat on yourself too much. We both know our girl can be a little dramatic," Vanessa explained. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the middle of this with all her closest friends involved, but Vanessa knew that everyone would be at each other's throats if she didn't stick her nose in it. "Lia, I got pregnant at 14 and became a teen mom at 15, I'm the last person who is ever going to judge you," Vanessa said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Lia's face. "You know I'd be here for you baby, *but* if you do this dumb shit with Dallas I will put nair in your shampoo," Vanessa teased, wanting to lighten the situation. "You know I got you, pumpkin," she added, resting besides Lia.

liaa: "We all can be, and thats the real issue," She joked, "we all are dramatic bitches and most of the time it works for us," She knew that calling V automatically put her in the middle. It wasnt her intention, she genuinely just needed the girl. "I hope you know I understand if you decide being a part of all this drama is to much. I wouldnt be mad," She spoke, a small shrug at the end of her words, "Youre a strong person V. I know a lot of people dont tell you that, or praise you on other things. But going through what you did at that age, its tough for me now, i cant imagine three years ago," A small smile at Vanessas touch, "I would never with Dallas, hes like a big brother," She chuckled, "Can I admit something to you?" Her eyes turning to find Vanessa in the small light her side lamp gave off.

Vanessa: "I'm not dramatic! I'm just use to a certain lifestyle and anything outside that will be met with outing and tears," Vanessa joked back. She was going to be involved whether Lia called or not. "If you hadn't had called me, one of them would have." Drew would have called or even Tori. Somehow Vanessa always found out. Her head dropped somewhat, a long breath following before looking back to Lia. She didn't feel all too strong, the compliment falling somewhat on deaf ears. "Yeah, what is it?"

liaa: "Yea, not dramatic at all," She spoke sarcastically shaking her head lightly. "You arent wrong," She shrugged lightly, before her hand came up to play with my necklace. "Remember that guy i was into before tori and drew got together?" She questioned, turning slightly to look at V.

Vanessa: "Luke?" Vanessa asked raising an eyebrow. "Or does this have to do with those nice little Tiffany's necklaces you have for each day of the week?"

liaa: She chuckled lightly, "Ive always been into Luke, but its more of a sexual attraction than romantic i think," A small shrug, "And the necklaces are a whole different story for a different time," She rolled her eyes teasingly, "But seriously, again, youre the first person im admitting this to," She spoke before a deep sigh, "The guy was Drew, I had feelings for Drew. But then he got with Tori, and I distanced myself. Allowing the feelings to leave so they could be happy,"

Vanessa: "Plus Fiona would have your head if you tried anything that resembled a serious relationship," Vanessa teased. Her mouth dropped open wide, shockingly surprised at Lia's confession, though if Vanessa was using all her brain cells she could have known. "Amelia Jane Rosenburg!"

liaa: "Bitch I can take Fiona Coyne, shes not as big and bad as she pretends," She chuckled lightly, but knew that there was truth lingered within her words. No one that ends up with Luke or Fiona will compare to them for each other, and Lia wasnt gonna compete with that. "I know I know! But I did the right thing! I wasnt a bitch about it!"

Vanessa: "She will literally /buy/ you! Shit, I'd let her buy me if it weren't for her brother being the hotter Coyne," Vanessa joked. "Plus you can't fight people like Fiona Coyne, they press charges and then run to their men acting like you beat them or something then Luke's just gonna end up mad at you." She would never understand the girl's desire with the eldest Baker, but then again Vanessa's conquests never made sense either. "Did he know?"

liaa: "Yea yea yea, ive been told," She rolled her eyes, "I want to fight her. Ive wanted to for a while, not even because of whatever the fuck the relationship between me and Luke is. Shes just not a good person to me," She shrugged, "I dont think he did considering he tried to console me when it was brought up one day,"

Vanessa: "You're not fighting anyone," Vanessa replied, rolling her eyes playfully. "Do you want to be with him still? Like forget the bean in your belly and Tori, do you actually want to be with Drew?"

liaa: "I want to fight someone, but i can not right now," She spoke, a small shrug. Her eyes looking at the ceiling a she thought over vanessas question. "Yes," She answered, "Hes amazing V, in every sense. Sure hes made some dumb choices, we all have, but god that kid has a heart of gold," A sense of honesty in her tone as she spoke, "He makes the hard seem easy just by coexisting with me if I need him. Hes always willing to distract me or talk shit out with me. When weve gone out hes fought dudes for me because they cant take no," She chuckled lightly, "I want it V, i really really want it,"

Vanessa: "Then you know what you need to do," Vanessa nodded. She knew this was going to be a ride if they were to actually get together, but if Lia was happy Tori would have to come around at some point right? "My mama use to say everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay.. it's not the end."

liaa: "I need to run to alaska and change my name," She spoke with an affirming head nod. Smiling at her words, "Your mom seems like a smart lady. My mom is a cunt," She shrugged with a small chuckle, "Can we just cuddle and sleep? Im done thinking about this,"

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[gradianvivian]

Plot Twist | Alastair, Tobias & Vivian

Tagging: Vivian @gradianalastair​ @txbiwilde​

When: Monday, April 13th 

Where: Behind the Red Lion Pub, Field outside of Gradian Village 

Warnings: Violence, Blood, Death, Murder, Guns 

Notes: Alastiarr is bolded, Vivian is italic, Tobias is regular 

He shook his head at Vivian’s question. His head was still clouded and he was coming down from an adrenaline high. He wasn’t in a state to be thinking. “My phone,” he said suddenly. “Tobias needs to know.” His hands still shook as he took out the device and typed out his message.

“Take a deep breath, Alastair.” Vivian assured as she watched his hands shake. But her eyebrows rose at what he said next. “Of course.” She answered, hell it was his pub, he did need to know. But it shocked her that this was his first reaction. Although that didn’t really matter, “What can I do to help?” Vivian asked after a moment. Suddenly feeling like she needed to take the turn to help him like he helped her.

Tobias didn't want to wake the nanny, but he had no choice. Something bad had clearly happened, and he was the thinker, which meant he had to figure out how to deal with whatever situation Alastair was in. He headed outside to find them, and when he did, his stomach dropped at the sight of the man on the floor, and the sight of Vivian standing there with him. "Fucking hell, Alastair. What the fuck have you done?"

Alastair shook his head at the woman again and then looked up when he heard his brother join them. "Something stupid as usual, brother." He wiped a splash of blood away from his eyebrow and groaned. "Didnt mean for Viv to see." He glanced over at the mentioned woman with a guilty expression.

“He was trying to help me, to defend me. That wasn’t stupid.” Vivian said, looking at Alastair for a moment before looking back at Tobias. “The same asshole who spilled his drink on me last week thought he could come back and push me against the bar and manhandle me. I could barely breathe or grab a glass to smash over his head before he came downstairs.” She finally explained, letting out a sigh as she adjusted in her spot. “He took him outside and I closed up. I didn’t think he would still be here but I wanted to thank him for helping me.”

Tobias sighed, running his hands over his face. He didn't care about what Alastair had done, he cared about where. This was risky, especially with his children upstairs. "I understand, Vivian", he started, looking over at the woman, though his gaze kept moving between them. "But Alastair, you can't be doing this hear. We went to the site for a reason, to keep this business out of the village. And now I have to figure out how we're going to handle this. We can't take him to the hospital, he'll tell the doctors what happened before we have a chance to get to him. We can't leave him here for someone to find. We have to finish him off."

Alastair closed his eyes and nodded. He knew he'd fucked up, put the business at risk: put the family at risk. "I know." He sighed. "Didnt mean for it to go down like that, not here. Tried to get him to go on his merry way, wouldnt stop shooting off his fucking mouth though." He glanced over at the broken body. "Lost control," he admitted as if it wasnt obvious.

All of this was a lot to take in. They were talking like this had all happened before. She stood up from her spot, groaning softly as she did. Almost forgetting of the bruises she must have in the midst of all the the injuries she saw between the two men. She leaned against the wall where Alastair was sitting. “The fucker loves to run his mouth so I can guarantee he would try to tell anyone who would listen.”

He nodded as he listened, feeling as though Vivian understood the need to do what he had said, it was the only way they'd get away with it. "It's what we need to do, Alastair. Otherwise this could end badly for us, and we can't see that happen." He walked over to his brother, glancing at Vivian as he crouched down, placing his hands on Alastair's cheek. "So I need you to pull yourself together so we can do it."

Alastair opened his eyes to hold his brother's gaze. He clenched his jaw and nodded firmly. "I'm here," he said after taking a breath. "I'm with us." He got himself to his feet and shook his hands out. "Viv, could you run inside get me a towel?" He gestured towards his hands and face. "Need to fucking clean myself up." Then he turned back to Tobias with a sigh. "Drive him offsite then?"

Seeing the two of them interact with each other was an interesting sight. It was like the understood each other on a deeper level or been through hell and back together. Regardless she admired it. When he spoke she nodded, “Of course. I’ll get a couple.” She said before heading inside to grab a few of them. Taking another deep breath once she got inside the bar again. Still trying to understand all of this, but there wasn’t time. So she went to where the towels were kept. One was dampened with water and the other dry.

Tobias watched as Vivian walked away, and once out of earshot, he turned back to Alastair. "Are you okay?", he asked quietly — Alastair had already been in a vulnerable state in front of Vivian, and he had wanted to ask his brother that question when they were alone. "Once this is over, we need to talk to Vivian, okay? Not a threatening one, but we all need to be on the same page if anyone asks questions."

"Not really," he said with a look down at his shaky hands. "But I will be." He looked up at his brother with determination. "She's taking everything pretty well so far considering. Seems promising."

Vivian finally headed back outside with the towels, "I grabbed a couple, just in case. One is wet and one is dry, just in case the blood wants to be stubborn." She knew a few things from fights she had witnessed and countless times that she had defended herself before.

Tobias nodded. "You talked about bringing someone in. If Vivian can deal with all of this, we can test her, work out how far she'll go." When Vivian came out, Tobias stood back up, nodding again. "Get cleaned up, I need to go upstairs and grab some things", he said quietly, his keys were in his pocket, but that all he had. Pulling his keys out, he held them out to woman. "Vivian, pull my car around, reverse in. Then help Alastair pick him up and put him in the boot, i'll be back in a moment", he said nonchalantly, before turning and heading back inside.

"Thanks, Viv," he said while grabbing the towels. He nodded to Tobias as he began with wiping his face and neck. Once his brother headed back into the building he turned to Vivian. "Sorry to drag you into this," he addressed her. "Holding up alright?"

"No problem at all." Vivian said before she turned her attention to Tobias, taking in all his instructions, nodding at them. "You got it." She replied before watching him walk inside. He really did have quite the head on his shoulders, being able to handle all of this with ease. One of her hands moving to go through her hair again once Alastair spoke to her. "Its okay, I trust you guys. Whatever you guys think is best, I'll do what I can to help." Although his next question she shrugged, "I'm doing fine. Sore from the asshole trying to bend me over the bar....but it isn't the first time it has happened to me."

Heading upstairs, Tobias headed straight for his office. The only thing he really needed was one of the guns stashed away in a drawer, and he grabbed it quickly, putting in the waistband of his trousers behind his bad and telling the nanny he'd be back soon, wasting no time in going back downstairs so they could get away from the scene as soon as possible. Getting to the door, he looked to see where they'd gotten to. "We need to do this as quickly as possible."

"Viv was just leaving to get the car," he said with a motion towards the woman. "She says she trusts us," he said to Tobias once she'd gone. He was nearly done wiping the blood from his hands.

Vivian was already heading towards the car once Tobias was heading out. Quickly making her way to the parking lot, glad to find that it was empty. At least they had it going for them that the town was quiet tonight. She got in the car and followed his instructions of backing it in the area behind the pub. Once she got out of the car she headed back towards the two men. Hitting the button on the keys to open the back of the car. "Do you need any cover at all? He is quite...messy." She said looking over at the half conscious man on the pavement.

"The hardest part has not yet passed", he said quietly once Vivian had walked away to get the car, eyes focused on the man laying on the floor, hoping he wouldn't wake up fully before he did what he had to do. "She's about to witness a bullet being put through his skull, let's see how that goes first." As the car pulled around, Tobias simply observed, wanting to see how Vivian handled all of this, including having to put a man into a car trunk to send him to his death. "I'll take care of that later."

Alastair didn't waste anymore time, immediately moving to pick the man up once the car was ready. He ignored the pain in his hands and the soft groans from the body.

Vivian watched as Alastair wasted no time picking up the other man. She couldn't help but worry though, wouldn't he be in pain lifting him up? Regardless she shook her head and looked between the two of them. "You probably need this back." She said handing Tobias the keys, "What next?"

Tobias watched, walking over to get the keys back and reaching up to close the trunk on the man without a second thought. “Get in”, he said firmly to Vivian, knowing that Alastair would know what to do. “Get in the back seat. We’re going for a drive.”

Alastair took up the passenger seat and winced at his left hand. "Fucked up your set," he complained in reference to the sprain Tobias had set for him just a few days earlier. He glanced back at Vivian and flashed her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Hearing his firm voice made her raise one of her eyebrows, but she didn't question it at all. She got into the back of the car, closing the door behind her. Her eyes wandering between the two of them. Crossing one leg over the other she was wondering what this evening would have in store. Her eyes landed on Alastair and she noticed his smile, she gave him a small one in return. Wanting him to know she was alright, but she also hoped he was as well.

“Be prepared for the out come of this”, Tobias said to Alastair before getting into the car. Once they were all inside, he turned on the engine and pulled out of the car park to head in the direction of somewhere discreet. “The police have only just cleared up the two bodies days ago, we need to take care of this one ourselves” he said mostly to Alastair, though kept his voice loud enough for Vivian to hear.

He tapped his fingers on the dash and nodded in thought. "Pig farm would be better than burying," he tossed the idea out. "They'd take care of him down to the bone. Just have to burn the clothes and get rid of the bullet." It was ultimately Tobias's decision of course. He glanced back at Vivian again. He hoped to god that she could handle it.

Vivian took in everything they were both saying, shocking would be an understatement. Although she really wasn't sure what else she thought they would do. And the police knew about all of this too? It was an information overload for her but for some reason she knew she could trust them. She was going to let them handle it and do what she could to help. But she did know some things that she thought could help, "I'm also pretty sure he doesn't have any family. He spent almost all his time in the pub or hitting on women around town.”

Tobias picked up speed as they got to the main road, looking at Vivian in the rearview mirror to check if she was okay. "You can't predict when workers are around at farms, they work some crazy hours, we can't risk being seen", he said when he moved his gaze back to the road. "Let's cross that bridge when we come to it", he picked up more speed, wanting to get out of town as quickly as possible. The village was small, and it didn't take long to get out of it's boundaries.

"Might be worth it to get one on payroll," he said, more just thinking aloud than making an actual business suggestion. Once they were out of the village he turned to his brother to get a better idea of what he was thinking. "Burial it is then? By land or by sea?"

She nodded, he was right that probably wasn't something that needed to be worried about now. Vivian leaned back in her seat, still looking between the two of them. It was interesting to watch the both of them. They seemed to have some sort of system and she didn't want to try to interrupt any of that.

Tobias nodded in agreement — that could come in handy. “I’ll ask the police chief to arrange a meeting. I think it’ll be better to have them there. The speed got them to the site he’d chosen quickly, and he drove straight through the car park and onto the field, turning the engine off. “Vivian, I need you to use your phone as a flashlight. Alastair, help me get him out.”

Alastair raised an eyebrow, surprised he'd actually made a suggestion that his brother found worth while. He wasn't about to dwell on it though, not the time. He got out of the car swiftly and made his away to the trunk. Getting him out was a lot easier with Tobias's help and soon enough they had the man a safe distance from the car.

Vivian got out of the car once they parked, taking her phone out of her pocket as she did. "You got it." She swiped up then turned on the light, holding it up and staying close enough to help them. Even though she felt a lot of questions in the back of her mind, she was still set on helping them.

Once they had the man out of the car and laying down on the ground, Tobias stood over him with a sigh. He didn't want to freak Vivian out with what he was about to do, but it had to be done, and they could keep her quiet if they needed, but his mind told him that wouldn't be necessary. He reached behind himself and pulled the gun out of his waistband, checking the chamber. "We'll have to come up with a story of where we went tonight in case anyone recognised us driving out of the village."

"I'm sure we'll think of something. Maybe the lovely Vivian wanted to take us for a beautiful midnight stroll through the countryside," he joked. "Or we could be on our way to check out a pub in the next town over, something like that." He shrugged and then gestured to Vivian's ear. "You may want to cover up."

She tried her best to keep her eyes from growing when she saw the gun. Vivian rose one of her eyebrows at Alastairs suggestion, honestly it was almost refreshing, glad to have the distraction even for a second. "Don't go stealing my ideas for the future." She joked in return before clearing her throat. "If its to check out a new pub you could have brought me for another opinion." She added on,  keeping her phone up for the light. Looking between the two again and finally snapping back to reality. "Thank you." Vivian moved her hands, taking his suggestion.

Though the other two joked between themselves, Tobias remained serious, thinking of ways to handle this situation as he always did. "People would question why we were out at this time. Something along the lines of taking Vivian home after her shift but an emergency came up." Once he'd checked the chamber, he held the gun up, pointing it straight at the other man. He'd have to be close to aim accurately in the dark which meant bloody would splatter back on him, but he'd have to deal with that.

Alastair crossed his arms and looked down at the man. It never sat well with him to watch Tobias get his hands dirty. As far as he was concerned, he did the killing so his brother didn't have to. If Tobias still had to be the one to pull the trigger was fucking good was he to him?

Vivian never thought she would see Tobias holding up a gun to someone. It was a sight to take in, her eyes went to Alastair again. Wondering how the two of them were so calm and collected. "Maybe we can use my injuries that I fell at work, slipped. You guys took me to get checked up." She offered, she wasn't a klutz but not many others knew that." She watched him aim at the other man again. "Do you need more light?" Vivian asked softly, imagining it couldn't be easy to work in the dark.

Tobias looked over at Alastair — he'd been concerned about him from the moment he'd walked out behind the pub, and that feeling hadn't gone anywhere. "Alastair", he said quietly, "This'll be alright, okay?". He turned to Vivian next, nodding. "Yes, that will work, though there will need to be some record of you being there. We can figure that part out. No, i'm fine on light." With that, he turned back to the man, taking the safety off, and with a blank expression, pulled the trigger — he didn't even flinch when blood splattered back at him, he was too used to it.

"I know," he spoke more quietly than he had almost all night. The shot rang out. "Got you here to fix all my mistakes." It came out bitter, aimed at himself rather than his brother. With a sigh he went back to the car and fetched one of towels Vivian had provided him with. He tossed it to Tobias and then turned to Vivian to see how she was managing.

"It was on the schedule that I worked tonight on my own. It was close to closing I could have spilled some water and slipped." She offered, trying her best to try to cover any bases. Although she knew she didn't know as much as the two of them. Vivian almost noticed a change in Alastair, she wanted to ask if he was alright but she knew it wasn't the time. Plus she was more distracted the moment Tobias shot the man, seeming to have no problem with it at all. Her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to wrap her mind around it, taking a deep breath. Finally taking a deep breath after a few moments.

Tobias just stood there for a few moments, putting his gun back in his waistband. It was a few seconds until he turned around, looking at Vivian with a blood splattered face. "It'll probably be better to say that we took you home, came over with you to make sure you were alright", he said,  grabbing the towel as it came towards him and wiping his face. It just smeared some of it, but it was better than it was. Second time in a week he'd have a shirt to deep clean. He turned to Alastair, wrapping an arm around his neck and pulling him against him to whisper in his ear. "You did what you did to protect someone. That is not a mistake, you did not make a mistake."

Alastair closed his eyes and nodded his head against his brother's, willing himself to believe the words. He wasn't sure if he could, but the fact that Tobias believed it lifted a weight from his shoulders. He nodded again and stood up straight. "Yeah, alright. We haven't got all night then. Got to get rid of this body."

"The only thing is I live close to the pub, we would be going the opposite way." Vivian tried her best to clear her mind, moving her phone back but still keeping the light on. She wasn't sure how to react or what to say. It took another few moments to speak again. "We can figure that out later..." She mumbled before looking between the two of them, looking for any further instructions or suggestions.

He walked over to Vivian with a calm manor, putting his hands on her arms as he looked into her eyes. "Vivian", he said softly, making sure his voice was calming. "Tell me that you're okay. I need to know if you're going to handle this. We'll say that we went to the store first because you can't carry shopping on your bike, but the store didn't have what you needed so we drove you back home. I need you to be calm when we get back, you have to be as convincing as possible." His gaze lingered on her for a second before he turned back to Alastair. "There's a shovel in the boot. Grab it while I check he doesn't have any ID on him."

Alastair watched the interaction between the two. He had high hopes that Vivian was going to be able to handle the situation. She was already fairing far better than many others would have in her shoes. He nodded at Tobias's order and grabbed the shovel to begin digging.

Vivian finally let a breath that she was holding in escape her once Tobias's hands moved to her shoulders. She looked up at him and met his eyes, nodding what he said, taking in all of his words before replying. "I'm okay...I'm okay." The second time she said it more confidently. "Convincing is something I can do. I promise." She assured.

Tobias nodded, satisfied with Vivian's response. "We'll discuss certain things, but they can wait until tomorrow, when we've all had a chance to reflect on tonight's events." When Alastair went to get the shovel out, Tobias leaned over the body, searching his pockets and finding the man's phone and wallet. He slid the items into his back pocket and stood back up. "We'll carry him over to the trees, it's better than in the middle of the field. Animals may dig him up to eat him and that'll be in our favour."

Alastair nodded in agreement and headed over to the treeline as directed. He couldn't help but be relieved as he began to dig. It seemed as though Vivian was going to make it through this little incident and be brought into the business.

Vivian nodded again at what he said, thank god because she needed quite a few drinks to be able to relax tonight. Her eyes moved between the two of them before picking her phone back up again for light. "Do you need help carrying him or digging?" She asked, feeling like she wasn't doing enough just providing a source of light for them.

"It'll be difficult for you to carry and hold him at the same time", Tobias said, but it wasn't to deny her help, but to made sure she understand it would be a challenge. "If you can manage to do both, then help me carry him." With that, Tobias put his arms under the man's shoulders, ready to lift him when Vivian had his feet, or to drag him along the ground.

Alastair continued to dig, glancing up at them every few minutes but not stopping his work. For once the pain in his hands was enough that they were actually bothering him. The quicker they got this done, the sooner he'd be back at the pub with some ice.

"It won't be a problem, I promise." Vivian assured, after working out and carrying shipments of alcohol over the years she gained a lot of strength. She easily lifted the mans feet, wrapping on of her arms around so they were still able to have some light to help them. Of course it made her body ache but it wasn't anything she couldn't handle.

Once they got over to Alastair, Tobias slowly started lowering the man to the ground so that Vivian could follow suit. "This will all be taken care of and over soon and we can all go home", he assured them both, looking over at the grave Alastair was digging. "Ready to put him in?"

By the time they'd carried the body over Aastair was just about done with the hole. A few more shovels and he stopped to wipe the sweat from his eyes. "Yeah, it's good. Toss him in."

Vivian set the man down for a moment, glancing over at Alastair. It was still surprising her how quickly the two of them were making this happen. But she didn't question it, not that she wanted to anyways. "Ready?" She asked Tobias before she lifted up the mans feet again.

Tobias nodded at Alastair, before turning back to Vivian and picking the man back up. "Ready", he replied, swinging the man slightly to use momentum before throwing him down into the hole in ground, assuming Vivian would follow suit. He could tell Alastair was suffering, so he gestured to him to hand over the shovel. "I'll finish the rest, take Vivian back to the car and rest your hand."

Alastair hesitated before handing the shovel over. Once again, he felt he was supposed to be the one that did this sort of thing. But he knew that his hands were slowing him down, Tobias would be able to get it done quicker. With a glance down at his bleeding hands, now both the palms and the knuckles, he gave his brother a nod and handed him the shovel. He stepped away from the grave and over to Vivian. "Come on then, Viv."

Vivian helped swing him into the whole, looking down at him once they did. She knew this was one of the many images from this evening she wouldn't be able to get rid of easily. Finally snapping back to reality once she heard Tobias ask Alastair to take her to the car. She felt like she could do more and by the pause of the other man she knew she wasn't the only one. But she nodded, "Of course." She walked with him to the car before glancing back over at his hands. "Are you alright? You're bleeding."

Tobias waited until they had walked away before he started shovelling the dirt over the body laying in the hole. Though he knew that he could always get out of a situation, that didn't mean he wanted them to happen. The chief of police would ensure it didn't come back to them should the body be found after their previous incident, he didn't want to appear as though this would be a regular occurrence. Once done, he followed the others back to the car and threw the shovel into the trunk. "Are we ready to go?"

Alastair gave Vivian a grin. "Yeah, fine," he said to dismiss her question. "Just gotta clean them up a bit. Looks worse than it is. And they've been worse, trust me. This is nothing." He winced a bit as he closed the door after getting inside the car. He looked back at her with a softer expression. "What about you though? Exciting night. How are you holding up, really?"

How he was able to grin after this was beyond her but she appreciated it. She gave him a small smile in return. “Okay if you say so.” One of her eyebrows raising when she saw him wince, closing her own door as well. “I am not quite sure yet.” Vivian said quietly, it’s probably the first time in awhile that her expressions and voice have been so soft in awhile. “It’s a lot. But I’ll be okay, I always try to make sure of that.” When Tobias got into the car she nodded and leaned back against the seat.

Tobias looked over at his brother, before looking at Vivian in the rearview mirror, observing their demeanours to figure out if he needed to offer assurance. "Let's go", he said quietly, turning on the engine and turning the car around to drive back to the village. "So our story is straight, yes? My brother and I took you out of the village to find a store than was open, and we drove you home because they didn't stock what you needed. That's all you need to say. Sure it with assurance, and no one will asked questions."

Alastair nodded at his brother in response, an unspoken understanding. He looked back at Vivian while Tobias laid out the story for them. He was confident she was going to do just fine. If she hadn't broken while seeing a man shot close range in front of her, he doubted having to lie to cover it up would be what did her in.

”It is,” she answered when he asked about their story. Vivian nodded as he continued to speak. “Of course, I can do that.” She assured, “Pretty straight forward and easy if you ask me. It wouldnt be out of the ordinary for me.” It was true, she had almost always been straight to the point. Even more so when she moved to Gradian.

Tobias nodded, satisfied with their answers. He picked up speed as they drove off, though not as much as usual, wanting to get back quietly but without drawing attention to them. After all, they were covered in blood with a muddy shovel in the trunk, not exactly a good luck. "Get cleaned up as soon as you get home. Have a shower, wash your clothes, and get to bed, you're going to need your sleep, you might feel different about all of this tomorrow", he said to Vivian, knowing Alastair would know the usual protocol.

"You alright if I get cleaned up at yours then?" he asked Tobias, already knowing the answer. "Don't want to risk letting anyone see me walk into the inn like this." He lifted his hands. "I'll get blood all over the doorknobs," he joked.

As tempting as it was to just go straight to bed after this she made note of all the instructions Tobias gave her. She nodded, "Regardless of what I feel tomorrow though, I want you guys to know you can trust me." She assured before looking back at Alastair as he spoke. Not being able to help but shake her head, but she appreciated how he was always able to joke around.

Tobias nodded in response to Alastair. He was picking up more speed, getting impatient with the desire to just get home. "Of course", he said, handing him a gold tin from the door pocket. "Light us all a cigarette each, please", he said quietly, glancing at Vivian every so often. "Let's leave that conversation until tomorrow, Vivian. It's better you sleep on it despite how you feel tonight."

Alastair took the tin and began lighting as instructed. He handed one first to Vivian, then Tobias, and finally himself before pocketing the tin to return when they arrived back home. He took a drag and let it out with a deep sigh. He didn't smoke nearly so much as his brother, but he'd never turn it down either. "Been a long night," he said in cooperation with his brother's suggestion of sleep.

Vivian nodded, Tobias was right. Sleep first, gathering thoughts later. Even though she knew she would have the same frame of mind the next day it was still smart to get a nights rest. "Thank you." She said once he handed her the cigarette. Gladly taking a deep breath and pausing for a moment before letting the smoke out. Leaning her head back on the head rest. "I hope we are all able to get decent sleep tonight."

He took the cigarette, thanking Alastair quietly before he took a long drag, using the buttons on his door to put the front windows down as he blew out the smoke. "You'll have to use one of our windows", he said, looking at Vivian in the mirror, "The back ones don't go down." He was silent for a few minutes, not really feeling the need to respond, but after a while, he chose to speak. "I'll be fine, i'm sure Alastair will be too.. If you're having trouble, you can call or text one of us."

A few more minutes of driving and they found themselves back in the village and nearly to Vivian's. He agreed with Tobias's assessment and nodded back to the woman.

Vivian nodded leaning forward to tap out some of ash before taking another drag. It didn't relax her enough but it was a start. "I appreciate it. Really." She gave a small smile in their direction before leaning back again.

It wasn't long at all until they reached Vivian's place, and Tobias turned off the engine, just sitting for a moment, hands still gripping the steering wheel. Though his mind mostly believed they could trust Vivian, there was always doubt at the back of his mind. "We'll speak tomorrow, Vivian", he said, looking at her in the mirror again. "Discuss some things."

When they parked at her house it didn’t register until a moment later that they arrived at her place. She took one last drag of the cigarette letting it out slowly. Looking back up at Tobias. “Okay, sounds good. I work later in the afternoon.” She offered before opening the door to the car. “See you guys later then...” she paused before getting out of the car. “And thank you again, Alastair for helping me. Really.”

He nodded. "I'll get in touch with you in the later morning, it's not a conversation we should be having at work. If you have any problems, get in touch. We've been here enough times to know how to help". He kept the window down to allow Vivian to speak to his brother.

Alastair nodded at her with a little nod. "Any time, Viv," he replied. "Though, hopefully with a less dramatic outcome next time." He waved her goodbye and turned back to his brother.

Vivian waved back at him and took one more glance at Tobias before she stepped back towards building for her flat. Tossing the cigarette down before stomping it out. Once she stepped in she let out a deep breath she felt like she was holding in most of the evening. She knew this was the start to a whole knew chapter in her life.

[salfordiansiren]

Interview Questions for Ren Harvieu, God is in the TV ‘In Conversation with…’article

We do like to ask some ‘off-the-wall’ questions, also some slightly tongue-in-cheek and left-field ones not connected to the music business at all. There are also a few multiple questions and I’ve mixed them up a bit so that the subjects keep changing. Many of them are open-ended, giving you the opportunity to be as verbose as you wish.  Please ignore any question you do not wish to answer.

Hi Lauren, my name is David Bentley, I write for a UK-based e-zine God is in the TV (GIITTV).

The objective of this interview, which will be published in GIITTV within a week of receiving your responses, is to introduce you to a new audience in the UK and abroad and to promote your forth on ming album.

The interview will also feature some embedded videos and/or audio unless you ask us not to do that.

There will be an ‘introduction’ to the interview but that will be written after its completion.

Thanks for agreeing to take part.

So, here we go…

 

Hi Lauren, thanks for joining us today. How are you?

I’m in a great mood today thanks. I had foot surgery last week and so I cant leave the house or really move for 6 weeks but I feel strangely calm about the whole thing, I dont mind bein

 

For the benefit of readers who may not be familiar with you, how would you describe yourself as an artist, in a paragraph?

 

 

You have released two singles, ‘Teenage Mascara’ and just now ‘Yes, Please’ from your second album, ‘Revel in the Drama’ which is scheduled for next April and the first one was well received by broadcasting ‘tastemakers’. How does the album differ from the first one, ‘Through the Night?’

 

The difference between Revel In The Drama and Through The Night is that this is a much more personal album. I spent the last couple of years honing my songwriting craft and these lyrics have come straight from my gothic salfordian brain. Its darker, more intense, stranger but still has the beauty of Through The Night. I think both albums sit nicely together.

 

 

Since 2015 you’ve been co-writing with Romeo Stodart of the Magic Numbers and he appeared on stage with you at your recent concerts. Will that relationship continue? Do you prefer to control the songwriting process yourself, or are you content to work with other music or lyric writer(s) into the future? If the latter, who has the final say?

I’ll keep writing with romeo till I die if he wants to. He’s the best of the best, and he understands me. I never really felt understood as an artist till I met him. I feel so comfortable in his presence that I let it allllll out, not just the versions of me t

 

You signed with Universal, a huge corporation, as a 17-year old. Is that too young, or are there any benefits in being ‘bloodied’ in the industry at such a tender age?

I think I was too young, although Universal were great that wasn’t the problem. But there was a lot going on behind the scenes that I was dealing with. I wasn’t a show biz kid from a showbiz family and I had real problems that seemed bigger than singing about about being dumped by some boy. I felt too young and overwhelmed but also too streetwise and smart for it all. It was a confusing time.

They say that everything happens for a reason. In 2011 you suffered a life-changing event, just as your debut album was about to be released, and one which set you back several years. Eight years on do you think the dreadful accident in which you broke your back has had any positive repercussions?

I think there had been positive repercussions,I dont think I would have started writing if it wasn’t for the accident. I dont

 

What attracted you to signing with Bella Union for your new album?

Well

 

Do you have any role models in the music business? A hero or heroine? Anyone you would enjoy being “mentioned in the same breath” with? (Dusty Springfield comes to mind, also perhaps Shirley Bassey).

 

I really admire Fiona apple because she does whatever the hell she wants. And her records are stunning, unique and completely un compromising.

You are compared occasionally with Elkie Brooks (I’ve done it myself!), a different kind of singer perhaps but a highly respected one who hails from the same city, and even the same suburb as you. And she’s still performing, in her seventies. Is there anything you feel you can learn from her and, indeed, are you ever in contact with her?

I dont know Elkie personally but I love her shes a legend. Rising Cost Of Love is my jam!

 

 

You left Salford and relocated to London a while ago. Do you miss it? How did the move impact on your creativity?

I really miss the north, everything about it but I needed to leave because I was really sad and I knew if i didnt do something soon I was going to slip down the back alleyof my mind and maybe disappear forever. I have memories on every street, bus stops make me emotional. Corner shops where me and my friend would try and get booze in our school, theres just memories everywhere and I needed a clean break. To create some distance so I could write about it

When you’re writing, how do most of your songs start life? A piano part? A chord? A melody? Does inspiration simply come, or do you have to seek it?

I feel inspired everyday by everything. When writing a song I like to visualise it, like a film, frame by frame. Sometimes I move around, dance, put on voices. Romeo will play something off the cuff that’s so beautiful that I’ll just start shouting and laughing and hugging him. Its the closest I get to spirituality. Writing wise, I want the narrative to have as much depth as possible, I want to feel something and I feel it is my duty to give the emotion and the stories the respect they deserve. I take it very seriously.

 

Do you see yourself as a live artist, or a recording artist, or both?

I see myself as both. I get to appease the introvert in me by being in the studio and attend to the outrovert by playing live.

 

How would you personally measure ‘success’? By ‘breaking’ America? Or something more modest?

Success to me would mean I get to create and perform music for all time and make a living on it. Success to me would mean that people are touched and moved by my music. I would love to be a voice to someone that can comfort them, just as say Rufus Wainwirght was to me when I was a depressed 14 year old. I’m not doing this just to stroke my own fragile ego, I genuinely want to reach o

 

When I saw your show at the Deaf Institute in Manchester recently, in one song (I think it was ‘Cruel Disguise’), you reached and sustained a note that convinced me and those in my company that you could probably tackle opera singing. Do you have any ambitions to perform in that or any other genre?

I would love to learn opera. I think

 

Back in 2012, while you were recovering, you performed several James Bond film theme tunes with the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra, including ‘You only live twice’ and ‘Nobody does it better’, both of which arguably could be applied to you. Do you picture yourself as a ‘Bond girl’ in the sense of recording the theme to a future movie, or do you even have any acting ambitions to actually play such a role? After all, the new album is constructed so that you can “revel in the drama of my life” as you say. (Incidentally, a female friend of mine – also from Salford – commented that you look like a 1950s Hollywood movie star).

Tell your friend I said thanks a lot! I would love to sing a Bond theme, I feel like it could happe

Acting wise I’m open to it, why not?

 

I saw one of your Christmas Special shows at the Soup Kitchen in Manchester in 2015. During the show you told a story about how a school choirmaster prevented you joining a musical assembly on four occasions for no better reason than that there was something about you that he didn’t like. Your rejoinder to that was “Well, fuck him” and of course you soon went on to release demos on MySpace which were picked up by a local manager and sent on to Amy Winehouse’s producer. The rest is history. A new song, ‘Little Raven’ was written cathartically as one to your younger self when you had no label and didn’t know if it would ever be recorded. What advice would you give to young people who find doors being slammed in their face as that schoolmaster did to you?

If anyone is picking you, school teachers, other kids, parents, anyone i would say to

If schoolmasters are singling you out and picking on you, its probably because your different and they cant stand

 

 

What touring plans do you have to support the release of the new album?

We are organising a tour right now around the UK, quite a big one its really exciting. I also cant wait to tour outside of England, I’ve never done that.

 

If you weren’t a musician what would you be? Do you ever aspire to being ‘something else’ entirely (model, politician, footballer, train driver…?!)

I think I’d try and be a fiction writer. I love books and stories and characters. I heard Donna Tartt say something life ‘as much fun as it is to read a book, writing one is one level deeper’ There’s something about losing myself into another world entirely that really appeals to me.

 

The environment. Whose viewpoint are you closest to? Donald Trump or Greta Thunberg?

 Greta or course.

United or City?

United

 

Coronation Street or EastEnders?

Corrie

 

Thanks again and good luck with the album and your future career.

[dear--charlie]

Hi Charlie,

This is going to be quite long, im sorry.

I had a GF a fiance, she was the meaning of my life, im 25 she is 25 too, we had been together 6 years, i proposed at 4 years, we had a figths but everytime we showed how much we wanted each other, how much we loved, at least that was i think at that time, we already had plans for the rest of our lives, how we were going to call our childrens and everything, i believed this was so far special than anyone, we had a figth this april 17, we broke up, before i start i have to mention that a she tellme that she got a new coworker that studied at our same university, im not a jealous person so i was okay with she telling me stories, she once give him a ride and asked me if it was okay, im were like it was just a ride rigt? she say yes so no problemes there, after one friday (april 17/2018) i got a call from her sister, my gf get off of work at 6pm and at 8pm she wasnt arrived to her house (we didnt live together) so everyone were freaking out cuz were we live is not a peacefull city (tijuana/MX), i lost my mind she wasnt taking our calls or mssgs, i didnt know if she were in a car accident or something worst, i send a mssg to 3 of her coworkes to know if something happen there or if they got extra hours, they told me that she leave at her time 6pm, exactly at 8:59pm she attend my call and she was mad because i send a message to they coworkes i was like “rlly?” so i got mad too, i was so worried about her to just afford her to yell at me, we broke up, nex day she send me a message that we had to take a time, she told me that we had to solve our own problemes to be together and be the great couple we were, that she will never forget me and the next time we meet she will be best than before, a friend that is studybg his mastery in my university told me that her final ceremony (qualification) is going to be the april 27, i tougth that se were going to invite me i mean we work so hard together to get that archivement, inhelped her so hard along his career, i take a bad choice and go without her telling me and i see the guy that se talked me before, she invited him, i was mad and on a rage mode but injust calm down and just leave, we talk by whatss esporadically, then this may 12 a friend of me send a screenshot from fb, “She is ina relationship with his coworker” god sakes i lost my mind cry alone but i had to be strong rigth? i didnt tell her that i just know what shes doing, her birthday was this may 15 she send me a text to take a dinner this may 14 i tougth that she was going to tell me everything i was mentally prepared to hear it from her, but she told nothing but lies that she was working on her feelings and everythin in her mind to be better, she even make me promise that inwont be with another person, last minute before we leave on our own ways, she told me that if this was i wanted i was in my head like YOU KIDDING ME? you already got a boyfriend, i told her i was okay with that, i take the courage on myself and didnt tell her anything until this may 26 like hey wanna se somethin (we still talks at that time just esporadically) and send her the screenshot, she just say oh sorry, i had to go on after we broke up you know, it was hard form me too.

I didnt had the guts to rage on her, i just told her to take care of her, to be okay and be happy, that i had no bad feelings for her.

God, i know that im lost without her, she was the only one good thing in my life, she means everything, she was all i wanted in my entire life, got nothing more to keep living, i feel so bad, i lost almost all my friend because she didnt like them, i got no one to talk about, im alone and im sacred to make bad desicions, im not okay, i just want to and this hopeless life i have.

Thanks for the one who take his time to read this.

Sincerly, Ivan.

[digigal-transbian]

Better to?

Is it better to be alive and constantly miserable? Or dead and know peace?

If I fail a class this semester, there is an extremely high likelihood that i will be pulled out of college for financial reasons. If that happens I've been told I will have no choices, my life will be ultimately destroyed. The only job I'd be able to get is a minimum wage, soul crushing mindless existence. I'd never be able to afford a second chance at college. I'd never be able to survive on minimum wage, I'd have to get two jobs and even then I'd barely make ends meet.

And that's if I was able to get a second job. I'd never know love because I'd be too busy trying just to survive and after that too tired to function. 2 full time jobs is not exactly free to have feelings like love. And with who I am, finding someone would be a damn miracle and god has already proven he shall have no mercy on me.

And the gods know I'd never have a lucky break with writing or art, if I even had the time or energy to put into either of them.

Every check just going to not being dead for another week, stuck in a job or if I'm lucky, 2, that I hate, barely making ends meet, all because when I was 19 I got cocky and ended up failing Precal or was forgetful and failed English because if it.

To be able to say, "I was young, dumb, sure of myself, and because of it I've amounted to nothing, never known love, was never able to have a family, and lived a fate comparable to hell on earth."

I've been religiously told this for the last 6 months by my parents. And 6 months is lowballing it.

My biggest fear is dying alone. My second biggest fear to be forgotten. If I fail both are going to happen. I'm going to die alone in a house that is barely holding together without a soul to remember me.

I'll be forgotten within a week of my death, if not, a month at most. Nothing I've ever done will have mattered, ultimately I was just a waste of the universes time, even if I did make a couple peoples days just a little bit brighter.

Is it better to live and be miserable with no hope, or to die and be done with it?

At this point it's basically pass or die. A 70 on my math final to pass and have to retake because of how it is with my major, an 85 on it to never take that class again, and with English I've done what I can and at this point all I can do is hope.

And don't any of you dare call me selfish for this. To call suicidal people selfish is selfish itself. You're only concerned about the impact that persons death would have on you or their family, worry about the person who wants to kill themselves because they are in pain or see no other option.

And never call me selfish. I've made every choice for somebody else. Choice in college was because if years of "if you go to clemson you'll make your grandfather proud." And he's the actual kindest person I've ever met of course I dont want to let him down, I couldn't get there on my highschool GPA or ACTs so I found some backass method to get there. CSU has an applied math program that does 4 years there, 2 years at Clemson and you get two degrees for the 6 year period.

My father was all for that for the reason of being able to rub it in my aunts and uncles faces.

This is the same man that punched a brick wall hard enough to let out a blood curdling scream, make the house shake from the punch, and instill the fear of death in a child because a 12 year old didnt do his English homework. Why that 12 year old didnt do their homework? Just didnt want to, so over time did less and less of it.

Which is a legitimately normal thing by the way, 6th graders dont always want to do their homework and of course they are going to lie about it, dont act like his responce was in any way justifiable.

The man to this day still threatens to pin me to a wall and beat the shit out of me if I lie to him again, which wouldnt be as much of an issue if he didn't terrify me to the point of never telling him anything ever again out of fear for my life.

My choice of major was because of him. I wanted to be a doctor for a while but then my mom spent a collective 5 years dying in the hospital, so that dream died. No fault to her she couldn't control it. I then wanted to be a psychiatrist, therapist, that deal. Made the mistake of mentioning it around dad and got told promptly "it's not a real job." 10 year old me gave up on that real quick.

Then it went lawyer for a while because I figured a good paying job will be acceptable, hes always on about money anyways. After months upon like a year or something of "oh it's a lot of school and it's really hard and are you sure about it?" That dream too, was killed.

So the next thing I said was computers. Nothing more, nothing less, and it was finally acceptable. It was the most predicatable answer out of me and the first one to really be approved of. So for years i was content not having my dreams put down, then came college and I put my dreams down for computer engineering, on the track to clemson.

I then changed my major to computer science and over time put some thought into my actual interests.

Astronomy, the language of the stars. Physics, the language of the universe. Linguistics, the study of language. Writing, where you can be a god of your own little world. Geology, because rocks are just cool yo. Intetior Design, every time dad drags me to work with him I sit around and mentally start designing each room. And at the bottom of the list, Computer Science.

And the final mistake made in this whole college thing, I applied to only 1 college and to 0 scholarships. The scholarships I got are state ones, and I was told to keep a 3.0 GPA, which if you've ever seen one of my report cards you know how bad of an idea relying on that is. You have to have no idea what any of my report cards have ever looked like to think for a minute that trusting I will keep a B average for 6 years with no problems at all is even slightly a good idea.

So when my grades came in first semester, the night of December 13 I was legitimately shaking in fear for my life. December 23 when my parents found my grades out they gave me a 2~3 hour scream and then since then all my tech, aside from my phone and laptop, has been sitting in a tote box in my closet.

April they see my grades again and since then I havent been allowed to even have my door closed, and was strongly told that if I'm caught reading anything that isnt for school they'd burn it.

I could have probably avoided half of this if I was just a little more selfish, but I made every choice for someone else. If I was just a little more selfish I would be in a college half the price of CSU in a major that wouldnt be my last choice. Were I just a little more self centered, I wouldn't fear my father killing me over my grades.

Maybe I'm so destructively selfless because every moment that was supposed to have been about me quickly became about someone else. High school graduation after the fact during the pictures I got pushed to the side so my cousins could have a picture of just them, when there literally were three other walls and outside that they could have done that. Have you ever taken a picture outside at night? It's got a beautiful magic about it, and the lights were on dont even try to say "oh it's too dark", also cameras tend to have a flash so that's no excuse to push ME out of the way on MY graduation day. Kinda a big deal to me because when you look at my extended family I am among the few that have graduated high school, like half of them haven't even done that.

My graduation party the next day, I was given my gifts and then ignored most of the rest of the time. I was there for about 6~7 hours, and relevant for about 15 minutes. My college acceptance letter was opened and read by my parents before I even woke up. In fact, they woke me up by yelling at me from the kitchen to get in there. I walk in there, they're at the table smiling like idiots that just won the Nobel prize, and they hand me an open letter and tell me to read.

And my birthdays result in me being relevant for ten minutes of the hour at the pizza hut, and most of that is being asked about school and grades. The rest of the time is my parents and grandparents bitching about my drug addict unfit parent cousins. Like, my birthday is supposed to be about me, not them. And I am more than just school and grades, you would not believe how long it took me to realize that.

I have one bit of advice for anyone that might need it. Live your life for yourself for your reasons and never let somebody else live through you.