#i did not sleep for shit last night
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Ya know, I was gonna be done. I spent hours yesterday talking friends off ledges when people were harassing them for being excited about the watcher announcement, or when their anxiety ballooned while watching the never-ending fucking tide of absolutely entitled morons kept piling on and on and on and spreading baseless bullshit every where.
But like, I cannot be done.
Because I am just so fucking disappointed. I'm so fucking sad to be sitting here watching people writhe with glee over the reactions to the announcement, and fill their little vengeful mugs in anticipation of watching the fall of a fledgling independent media company they are literally standing around lighting matches to throw onto the pyre.
Y'all make me sick.
You profess to love these guys, to want to see them succeed, to enjoy the stuff they make for you. You beg and demand and scream for more time with Ryan and Shane and bitch constantly during periods of the year when it's not Ghost Files or Puppet History time. You complain to anyone who will listen about how this is a betrayal, as if they're your fuckin' friends who you know personally.
News flash, they're not. They never were. You're parasocially attached to the plush puppet and the guy who sticks his hand up it in a way that is detrimental to your critical thinking skills and you know what? Fucking don't subscribe to the streamer. Who fucking wants you around anyway?
I would bet American cash money that none of you have EVER had to sit with your staff in a meeting and figure out how you were going to keep your company afloat. That none of you have ever had to decide to take a risk like this, in this kind of economic climate and be cautiously excited about what it might mean for you and then to have this absolute viciousness being the response.
I'm really sorry that for some people the price is just out of their reach. I completely understand wanting to join in on something and being unable to because of the money. The amount of times I've had to say no to doing something fun because I just didn't have the cash is not a small amount. It sucks. It really sucks.
But you know, the emotionally mature response to not being able to afford something is to be like, well is there a way that I can save up for this? Something else I can cut out? And if the answer is no, then, unfortunately, sometimes, you just have to be left out. This is a fact of life.
Do you people also get bitchy with artists who charge commission prices that mean they can afford to live?
The comparisons of Watcher to non-network television streamers are laughable. Like, Watcher is absolutely not on the same level of operating profitability as other streaming services. They are an independent production studio that gives a shit about making content that they like to make and taking care of their employees and the other people who are associated with them. And in order for them to continue to make the stuff we like (Ghost Files, Puppet History, et al), we're gonna have to buy-in.
Seeing people say with their full chests that they should just fire people? Are you fucking hearing yourselves? Who should they fire? Their queer employees? The people who write and do sound and edit? The people who make Ghost Files or Puppet History look the way it looks? The people who are the reason the shows work?
And, I'm sorry, but if you think that the solution here is that they should just ... make worse shows, I don't even know what to say to you at all. Sorry that Steven and Ryan and Shane wanna do more than lifeless unsolved copies for the rest of their lives. Go watch fucking unsolved if you want that, watcher has always wanted to do more, do better, make bigger things. And you know what? They are for sure allowed to do that.
I am also utterly enraged by the racism. I cannot even imagine what it's like to be any Watcher employee of colour today, watching the hate and the cruelty roll in. Y'all are just fucking mean, and gross, and I hope you all walk on legos in the dark in bare feet.
Everyone who is acting like this is some fucking personal betrayal needs to go smoke a bowl or do a bong rip and chill the fuck out.
#things jess says#i did not sleep for shit last night#i am exhausted#i am sad#i am disappointed#i am enraged by the racism#by the way that people are out here being their worst selves over six fucking dollars#over some videos they feel entitled to because they were once accessible for free#breaking news but shit costs money#i'm sorry you live in a fantasy land where it doesn't#it must be really nice
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god i feel fuckin ILL
still figuring out my feelings in regard to jade shadows but oh god my head is spinning, so cool yet so weird yet so many questions godddd idfk know anymore man
more spoiler ramblings below, please don't take any of it as concrete opinions cause i'm still kinda working it out in my groggy ass head
i do feel very weird about playing as jade after what happened to her the quest, i have a lot of respect for the story and it genuinely moved me but i also feel that the implications of building a copy of her and puppeting her around after all that feels...very jarring lol. i guess that's just the unavoidable nature of the game, but it really doesn't feel like it was addressed past hunhow saying "it's what she would have wanted", even though we barely got a hint of characterization from her other than being motherly i guess. idk i guess for a quest that is at least in half about her it felt like she herself didn't get as fleshed out as i would have liked, especially when people are kinda just saying things for her. weird feelings i guess
idk those feel like big accusations but i still overall feel like the story was really really cool and playing through the quest was cool, but it does feel like it pushes the boundaries of what can actually fit within warframe's framework without parts feeling downright disturbing in some of it's mismatched narratives. idk i'm gonna have to think about it more, legit feel dizzy lol
probably gonna just leave it at that though, i really don't wanna jump head first into discourse because i anticipate it being really toxic given the themes. i've already seen some of that discourse and like man some people are fast to get angry about things
#jade shadows spoilers#jade shadows#warframe spoilers#warframe#rambling#idfk i'm also really out of it after sleeping too much last night so this might just sound like nonsense#i still overall really enjoyed the quest and i applaud de for once again being so fucking bold with their narrative directions#just lots of thoughts while i process...everything lol#also holy shit they did a really good job keeping jade's true nature a secret in all the promotional material
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I would like a word with my brain about why it only wants to stay up all night when there isn't a good reason why it has to. Is it contrarianism is that it.
#personal#whining#did not sleep at all last night. for no goddamn reason#i was trying to!#....sorry everyone that this has become my place to whine about trivial shit but eh what else is a tumblr blog for#besides that and blorbos
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I miss you Lorna… this is such a mess
This is an old message and I had several other similar messages, but I miss you guys and hope you’re all doing well!! I’m sorry to see nothing has improved.
I saw I was kindly mentioned by @awesomefringey and some other commenters the other day, so just wanted to log in and say hello and log back out for a few more months. 💕
Sending so so much love to all of you. Take care of yourselves and each other, please.
The video is still on YT.
#Anywayyyyy#The fandom added a whole lot more C to my C-PTSD#So a nice random message every few months instead of a freshly posted death wish is LOVELY.#Don’t fret. On meds and therapied but fresh tf out of money from it so @ L and H… lornasaurusrexx at g*ail is the PayPal if ur bored 🙃#I hate to be like this but protect your hearts. They’ll never be able to look out for you guys and they feed these trolls ammo for snacks#and it seems to have only gotten worse. Gotta keep them hets hetbaited for their money whilst actively encouraging them to bully yall? Why?#STILL!? At this point it feels like they’ve both chosen that path deliberately now and I find it quite gross. but I’m also very far removed#So don’t worry about my opinions. Keep trusting your own intuition!!! You all see it. I love you guys and your beautiful hearts and empathy#But I hope they can sleep at night knowing the absolute fucking genuine WRECKAGE they left across the Big Gay War generation/era of Larries#Don’t worry guys I’m just as dramatic as ever. None of this has anything to do with them coming out or anything. Just how we were treated.#But trust I fuckin mean that shit from the deepest darkest pit of my Demon Larrie™️ heart. They encouraged this. 🤷🏼♀️#Anyone who cares about my actual life updates: I’m a school nurse now and will be working at a bougie summer camp over break#Had a surgery I needed. Got new tattoos and piercings. In a happy and healthy relationship with the best dude for almost a year now.#OH and I went to New Zealand last year with Prettytruthsandlies!!!! We made a pact back in our Big Gay War/college days to go. And we DID!!#I got overstimulated and overfed and puked in Hobbiton. 🤣 (It was the best time of my LIFE GENUINELY🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹)#Okay BYE LOVE YOU GUYS#There are better and more humane ways to maintain a closet ..like literally STFU entirely. Ignoring it and not exploiting a kid is FREE#🇵🇸
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my morning routine lately has been waking up at 3 AM, starting a fire while staring into it for 1 to 2 hours and then i eat a banana. unsure when (or why for that matter) this particular routine started
#although the last couple of days i can't get very good sleep#i keep getting worried about coyotes#they did some gruesome shit to some of my birds a couple days ago in the middle of the night#but i was waking up at 3 before then anyways so who really knows whats up
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So tired and I can feel like eyeballs in my cheeks
#last night was the first time i did 4mg e instead of 2mg e + 50mg spiro and idk if it was just that change but i got so much Energy#last night i woke up like 4 times#then again i sleep like shit most sunday nights so hm#i want to kill a customer and smoke weed but alas
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Sleep Token // 5.24.24 ✨
#mine#snagged last minute tickets for last nights show#and I’m so fucking glad I did#this show felt otherworldly?#like their vibe and shit already gives that#but to experience them live 🙃#fuck man#like if you have the chance to see them - go#the set list was perfection#anD THE LIGHTING?!#whoever came up with that shit needs a pay raise hahah#it was magical to say the least#ugh my little heart is so happy#got to hear TMBTE too#got like 2 snippets of the song and soaked in the rest#that song just makes me feel a certain way#and it’s so special to me#a memory I’ll replay forever now#I’m just rambling to myself#but anyways#rain#sleep token#vessel#tw flashing#flash
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Guys who the fuck keeps editing hook hands into the doors on stuckcargirls.com. not fucking funny dude some of us are trying CRANKKKK that shit.
#slapping my shit back and forth in an arcing motion call that pickleball#i did not get enough sleep last night
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i am going to fucking explode this class with my mind. what the FUCK do you mean NO POINTS for late submissions. killing stabbing biting maiming
#ive had eight hours of sleep total in the past four nights#including one hour last night#then i came home to get started on this fucking essay#and whaddya know i fall asleep like a goddamn idiot and wake up two hours before the deadline with nothing written#aarrghhhhhhhhh#do they know. do they fucking know how this no late submissions crap affects students#if im not gonna get any points for turning it in a minute late im not gonna even fucking bother#like you're basically just telling students not to fucking try because their effort is going to be meaningless anyway#i did send an email to my ta asking if they could still accept it possibly with points off#i submitted it at literally 00:00 so i don't even know if it fits in the deadline either#anyway. time to see if i can muster up enough motivation to actually finish the essay#and risk a second late submission that might be a fucking waste of time in the end#it's always the mediocre entry level classes with power hungry maniacs who do this shit#my fucking 300 level microbiology professor had 5% off for each day late outlined in the syllabus#and then you've got this literal 100 level gen ed course with its no late submissions crap#like. are you for fucking real#anyway i still haven't received a reply from my TA so who fucking knows i might end up getting a zero for this anyway#ugh#vent#college#mine
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on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well
#back in godot learning thingssssssss#trying to do anything i can to distract myself from the abysmal lack of work ive been able to find lately LOL#genuinely ive had 1 commission in the last 2 weeks like its so joever im so hungry#not to be like “the economy” but man i used to be doing upwards of 20 coms a week when i was really nuts#making a couple grand a month etc#but shits gone so to pieces between ai and the cost of living crisis that like i get no work anymore at all ever#the bone deep resistance i have to having to get another shitty day job is insane tho after what the last one did to me#idk but ive been losing a ton of sleep over it lately and ive been having nightmares every night again#so i guess i really gotta solve that sooner rather than later. esp bc we cant buy groceries indefinitely like this#ive cut back to eating cereal in the morning and then something for dinner after having a really good streak of eating 3 hardy meals a day#which sucks but what can you do#gotta stop being a big fat failure if i want to eat like a. not failure. a succeeder#ig theres the ego of it too bc coms have been my fulltime job for years so like the dead dropoff lately is so#what if it ends tomorrow right. what if it ends next week. what if it doesnt end until next year#what if it never ends and im just unemployed sitting on my ass pretending i still have a career doing what i love#which is already what it feels like bc ive been scrounging for pennies to put food on the table for months now#like idk man. its joever let it go let it die. but that means getting a shit fucking job somewhere and god i do not want to LOL#i wont have the energy to do anything anymore and im such a brittle person this time of year anyway#whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#im gunna try to sleep bye o/
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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PTSD is so stupid saw a jar of biscoff cookie butter at the store and went ha that’s the brand they had in res. (Completely unaffected). Then went home and had a panic attack about it (????)
#first of all. how is a jar on a shelf that you didn’t even touch harming you at all???#second of all. now that I know that chain Carrie’s bidcoff cookie butter I’m never going there again. let’s leave those worms in their can.#(sees a food) huh. cookie butter. (the ptsd gremlin cooking up a nice panic sequence for me) well probably staff are trailing you right now#and they just left that there on accident because obv they keep cookie butter with them. and they’re going to restrain and sedate you and to#you’ll wake up tubed xoxo#<- INSANE ITS A JAR OF BISCOFF COOKIE BUTTER CALM THE SHIT DOWN#I only slept an hour last night and didn’t sleep at all the night before so like that might have something to do with it but I feel like we’#were gunning for day 3 here with the cookie induced paranoia#don’t buy belsomra guys belsomra is a ripoff that I’m pretty sure is just sugar pills#although I am abnormally resistant to pretty much every sleep med like iv ambien just makes me a bit lethargic the doctor who gave me it sai#said that was really weird and then ordered another piss test bc he thought I was on speed LMAO#nope just my brain. rotten. gone.#day 3 is usually when the insomnia hallucinations come out so like pray for me if you see this#though I did get an hour last night so maybe that counts
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Chronic fatigue syndrome is both aptly named but also inaccurate bc they don't talk about the flip side of it where you're so exhausted you can't sleep at all
#the pain isn't helping this but literally I'm always tired but I only got 5 hours of sleep last night and I've been up for 17 hours now#and I feel fine#like I actually have some clarity and energy#it's probably bc I tried a new electrolyte liquid water enhancer thing called buoy#and it's actually really fucking good y'all I'm pleasantly surprised#bc I am NOT a fan of sports drinks at all for both the salty taste and the strong artificial flavors#this shit is quite virtually tasteless and it can go in ANY beverage#and there's a few different kinds#but yesterday I tried the extra strength hydration drops and they were a godsend#today I tried the 'energy' version and I'm not gonna come right out and say it works but#given the fact that my brain fog was less so today despite the high pain levels#tells me it at least did SOMETHING#and yes I know I'll try it again and see what happens#anyways there's a couple other kinds as well (we got the sampler box) and I'm excited to try them too#like I've literally never been this optimistic about my hydration habits literally ever#and it's so fucking easy bc like I said there's no strong tastes which is such a fucking dealbreaker#it's why the ONLY electrolyte drink I will consume otherwise is strawberry lemonade pedialyte#I've tried quite literally every option on the market that I'm not allergic to#this is the real shit y'all
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still reeling over the fact that almost 2 months ago the guy i was talking to (not dating, but definitely 'seeing') took another girl TO MY AND MY ROOMMATE'S APARTMENT to FUCK HER ON OUR AIR MATTRESS while i was ON VACATION THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY
honestly. how do i get myself into these situations
#followed by him being blackout drunk sleeping on our DOORSTEP the very next day#he said he thought it was weird i said i liked him so soon into meeting him#but he would constantly say shit like 'falling for you more now' and 'my friend told my sister i have a new gf now'#like OKAY HOMEBOY#so dude it's so fucked i'll give more details in these tags in case anyone cares for a lil more context#before my trip back to california for sdcc i talked to him#said hey i know we're not dating but while im gone for almost 2 weeks are we gonna mess around with other people? like where is ur head#he said 'you can sleep with other people because you have a higher sex drive than me but i won't be doing that but you go ahead'#and im like okay weird response but okay cool#before i ended up leaving actually i did end up hooking up w someone and when i came back to my apartment he said 'looks like someone had a#'fun night' but he said it like....in a salty fucking way and i was like ur not allowed to be mad bc you refuse to be in a relationship wit#me despite me LETTING YOU LIVE WITH ME AND MY BFF FOR THE LAST ALMOST MONTH#oh yeah that part too#he was evicted and was staying with us for a few nights that turned into almost a month#NO he did not pay rent YES he did eat all our food#YES im an idiot for not seeing his red flags sooner but i was infatuated#so anyway my friend goes 'he's salty you fucked another dude' and im like excuse me how the fuck is he gonna be mad when WE TALKED ABOUT TH#*THIS#now granted it was a day before my trip so it wasn't ON my trip that i slept with someone else#but im like. how are u gonna be mad im gonna go enjoy myself when you've made it painfully clear you want me but want 0 strings#so anyway while im in california my bff calls me like hey dude john is on our air mattress naked with another girl#i was like excusethefuckME#because 1. he wasn't supposed to be at our apartment anymore so i was surprised he was there at ALL#and 2. how are u gonna ever be living RENT FREE with someone and INVITE SOMEONE ELSE OVER TO FUCK IN THEIR PLACE#i could honestly go on but i doubt anyone read this far as it is#this situation has fucked me up#first red flag should've been his name being JOHN
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I fear that I am that person that no one likes who gets asked their favourite songs and answers with a bunch of random demos or live performances and not just a normal recorded single
#oh my favourite nirvana song? the live performance of where did you sleep last night on 14/02/1994#what Bowie songs do I like? idk man starman demo 2 is pretty good.. maybe the life on mars demo that gets me feeling things#on the subject of demos how could I forget the frances farmer will have her revenge on Seattle demo I mean come on that’s obvious#AND OBVIOUSLY TO FANS WHO LISTEN TO THESE THEYRE GONNA KNOW WHAT THEY ARE#but I always feel like I come across as pompous or some shit if I express too much of an interest#y’all should listen to those if you haven’t though I’m not lying they’re all incredible#music#david bowie#nirvana
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I have two interviews today for those jobs I was recommended for! Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I really need one of these jobs
#I think my chances are good since there’s two roles#but I also did not sleep last night so my brain is scrambled & my interviews might go to shit agh
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