#i was also the youngest last year and bitch. you have no idea

[gotta-bail-my-quails]

man i thought i moved out to escape my family but it turns out i've jumped from the pan into the fire because holy shit my guys what the fuck??

[daydreaming-nerd]

The Prophecy (Lucien Vanserra x Rhys! Sister)/(Azriel x Rhys! Sister)?

Part 2,

Part 3 (Lucien's Version)

Part 3 ( Azriel's Version)

AN: I’ve had this idea for a while but after hearing “The Prophecy” on The Tortured Poets Department I was finally feeling inspired to write it. You guys have no idea how much that album is about to influence my writing. Also I have no idea how this is gonna end lol.

Summary: The only thing worse than having Azriel not know about the bond is watching him and Elain carry on like she doesn’t have a mate as well. Lucien and you have been long time friends but things change after one fateful starfall celebration. It’s not wrong if both of your mates don’t want you right? 

Warnings: smut, unrequited love, situationship, fluff, Lucien is literally and angel I love him sm, did not edit (I am tired)

Word count: 3734

“Please, I've been on my knees. Change the prophecy. Don't want money just someone who wants my company…”

I had known the youngest Vanserra for a while now. I can recall the first time I met him on a lovely day  in the spring court when I was visiting with my brother. The man was more than charming, his words nearly had me buckling at the knees. It was around the same time that I had found out that my brother's close friend Azriel was my mate.

I remember the bond snapping like it was yesterday. We were celebrating solstice in the Hewn City and my feet were nearly black and blue from the amount of drunk men stepping on them while dancing. I was about to ask my brother to take me home when Azriel stepped in and quite literally swept me off my feet. He let me stand on his toes and waltz around the room with him all night to ensure that he himself wouldn’t hurt my feet. At some point in the night the bond snapped and I had never been so happy. 

Azriel and I had been friends for over 100 years and I had secretly harbored feelings for him for at least 75 of them. To have my brother's best friend as my mate felt like fate. I didn’t tell him that night, something I have regretted for the last 400 years. 

Not long after that he rescued Mor and any sparks I thought he felt with me that night were long gone. From that day on all he did was pine for her. I couldn’t blame him, Mor was astonishingly beautiful. For a long time after he saved her I resented her, I felt like she had taken my mate from me. It wasn’t until I realized that she wanted nothing to do with the shadowsinger that my hatred for my cousin dissipated. It wasn’t her fault that Azriel was so smitten with her. It was my fault for not telling him, but now it had been so long since the bond snapped that it seemed weird to bring it up.  

So I sat dutifully by his side whenever  he needed someone to rant to about Mor. It practically ripped out my heart to  hear him talk about how in love with her he was. I was the only person he would open up to like that.  He would spend hours asking me for advice on how to woo her, and I grinned and bore it because, at the end of the day, I got to spend time with him.

I had been playing the girl best friend for hundreds of years. The moment I started to feel like he might be losing feelings for Mor in walked Elain. The beautiful sister of my brother's mate. What's worse? She seemed interested in Azriel as well. 

Elain was easy to hate. Not just for her flirtations with Azriel but for the way she treated Lucien, her mate. Lucien had so much love for the Archeron, and she waved him off without another thought. I might be able to understand her reluctance to accept the bond if Lucien was a brute of a male, but he wasn’t. He was soft, kind and easy on the eyes.

I found him tossing rocks into the Sidra one day, no doubt pining over how Elain had barley even acknowledged the flowers he picked for her. That’s when I told him about Azriel and I’s bond. From that moment on we spent a great deal of time together, ranting about our unaccepted mating bonds. Even though we spent most of the time bitching, there was happiness. More than I had felt in a while. 

Then starfall came…and everything changed. 

“You look far too stunning not to be walking in with a date,” Lucien drawled to me from the outside of the townhouse. 

I had spent all day getting ready for the annual party tonight. My dress was chosen specifically to catch Azriel’s attention, not that I felt like I would succeed. 

“Well finding a date is harder than you think, especially at this hour,” I laugh as I walk through the gate he opened for me. 

“Then indulge me,” he said. I turned to find him offering me an arm. 

“You want to be my date?” I laugh light heartedly, admittedly smitten by the autumn court male. 

“It’s a little last minute but I would be honored to walk into that room with you on my arm,” he said fondly. 

I smiled and shook my head at the male before looping my  arm in his and allowing him to lead me up the steps to the front door. 

“You know, you clean up pretty well Lu,” I cock an eyebrow bumping into him. 

“Thanks, your brother sets a pretty high standard as far as attire for this thing. Who knew he was such a fashionista?” Lucien grins before walking in the door arm and arm with me. I don’t even bother stifling the laugh I let out. 

The room nearly fell silent at our entrance. Sure Lucien and I were close and everyone knew, but they had never seen us like this. Even Az and Elain stopped their oh so intriguing conversation to ogle. I swore I saw anger flit across Elain’s eyes, like she was dead set on owning both Az and Lucien. 

Lucien and I spent the evening as wallflowers, doing our best to stay away from all the happy couples. We had even gotten to the point where we grabbed a bottle of wine off the table and brought it over to our couch, both of us tired of constantly getting up and down for refills. 

It wasn’t until Az and Elain not so subtly got up and walked onto the balcony that we decided we had tortured ourselves enough. We promptly grabbed the bottle of wine and waltzed out of the townhouse not even bothering to say goodbye. I supposed it was that exact bottle that did us in. 

I placed my hand on my apartment door, swaying slightly from the alcohol rushing to my head. Lucein’s hand found my hip, steadying me. While I assured him I would be fine to walk home alone, he insisted he came with me. 

“Thanks,” I laughed unlocking the door. 

“You’re welcome,” he chuckles, wobbling himself. 

“I had a really good time with you tonight,” I say, placing a hand on his chest to steady myself.

“I had a good time too,” he smiled. 

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how close we were. Lucien looked down at me, the moonlight illuminating his face perfectly. The sudden tension between us was broken when he crashed his lips on mine. 

One thing led to another and the next thing I knew I was lying bare beneath him as he fucked me like his life depended on it. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to get laid until he was buried inside me. Needless to say I understood why people said the Autumn Court males have fire in their blood. 

That was a year ago and since then Lucien and I had decided to continue seeing each other in secret, both of us needing a way to release built up tension so to say. He often stayed the night and we would spend long hours talking about everything from the books we were reading to politics. The sex was amazing, for both of us, but it was the intimacy that came after that I think we both craved the most. An intimacy I would be seeking out shortly given the current topic of conversation between Azriel and I. 

“Gods the other day she was weaning a light blue dress in the garden and I nearly fell to my knees before her,” Azriel ranted to me. 

He had been going on and on about whether or not he wanted to finally make a move on Elain or not. And as his best friend I had to hear about every word of it.

“I saw it, it was a very pretty dress,” I acknowledge, turning the page of the book I was reading. 

“I swear she blushed when I complimented it too, I think I’m making progress with her,” he went on to say. 

“Maybe you should just put yourself out of your misery and talk to her Az,” I suggested for probably the tenth time. 

“You know I can’t just barrel in there. She’s scared and I’m not going to freak her out even more. She will come to me when she’s ready. If she’s ready. Gods that’s assuming she even likes me,” he rambled. 

I roll my eyes and shut my book so loudly it pulls the shadow singers attention. I give him a pointed look that has him startling back just a bit. 

“I know that she likes you Az,” I deadpan. 

“How can you be sure though?” he asks, throwing his head back on the arm of the couch. 

“Because she would be an idiot not to,” I say with a hint of sadness. 

Azriel looked to be at a loss for words, and I realized my words were much bolder than I had wanted them to be. 

Clearing my throat I set my book down on the side table, knowing it will be waiting for me when I come back to my brother’s tomorrow. I stand and subtly adjust my dress.  

“I have to go, but seriously Az, just tell her,” I say walking over to press a kiss to his forehead. 

As I got to walk away I feel him grab my hand, placing a kiss to my open palm, “Thank you for listening y/n, really.” he says earnestly . 

“Don’t worry  about it Az, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say with a fake smile before setting off towards my modest home. 

When Feyre moved into the townhouse I took it as my queue to move out, knowing my brother and his new mate would want privacy. Of course Rhysand offered me mansions and villas but I was content with a townhouse of my own in the middle of town. Big enough to have my own home library, and small enough to not feel so lonely. 

I make my way down the cobblestone streets, the faelights casting a warm glow on the ground before me. It was late, and many couples were turning in for the night. I could see some cuddled up on their sofa’s through their windows, others were having a nightcap together outside Rita’s. I saw a couple rocking their newborn baby to sleep on the second floor of their home, and for some reason, that was the one that hurt the most to me.

I sighed as I walked up a few steps to my townhouse door. I unlocked the door and was greeted to the smell of jasmine and vanilla and the sound of a cracking fire. I walk up my steps to find Lucien sitting shirtless on my large bed, his hair in a bun at the nape of his neck. The male was the image of relaxation. 

I had given him a key months ago. With the males many jobs, emissary to the night court, ally to Jurian and Vassa,  and liaison to Tamlin, he needed a place to truly call home. For the past 9 months that had been here, with me. I never once objected to his subtle moving in, it was nice to come home to someone waiting for me, sometimes even a homemade meal. For him it was nice to have a  place where he didn’t always have to put on a front. It was a win for both of us. 

“When did you get in?” I ask kicking off my shoes. 

“Just a couple hours ago. How was Azriel duty?” he asked, setting his book down as I began to strip off my cloak and dress leaving me only in my lingerie. It wasn’t uncommon for us to be so casual with one another. 

“Exhausting, did you know that Elain wore a pretty blue dress the other day?” I mocked tossing my clothes into a dirty clothes bin, I noticed his missing shirt was there too.

“Unfortunately yes I did,” he chuckled. “You know what always makes me feel better though?” he smirks. 

“I crawl up the bed towards him, “What?” I smile knowing what the answer will be. 

“You,” he smirks, grabbing my hips and pinning me to the mattress beneath him, his lips pressing to mine. 

“How funny I was about to say the same thing,” I laugh, feeling his lips tickle my neck as he makes his way further down my body. 

His mouth trails the inside of my thighs before sliding my panties down my legs, each brush of his fingers from my hips to my ankles feeling like heaven. The male had been gone for a week, and I was desperate for release. He licks a long stripe up my center, flicking his tongue over the bundle of nerves at the top. My back arches off the bed and his hands find my waist to pin me down. I feel his tongue begin to lap at my clit as his fingers slide into me, no doubt finding the pool of wetness waiting there. 

This is what me and Lu had always been good at, reading each other. When he had a stressful day  I always made sure to make him feel good, and when I came back to the house upset he never hesitated to get on his knees for me. There was this unsaid rule that we would always take care of eachother. 

Lucien’s tongue continues lapping my clit as his fingers curl to hit that spot inside of me that had me gasping for air. As I started to feel myself getting closer and closer he removed his mouth from me, drawing his fingers out slowly. One thing about hooking up for a year? You learn to read each other's bodies, and lord did the seventh son of Autumn know how to read mine. 

“Lu!” I cry out frustrated. 

“Shhh my darling,” he coos crawling up my body. “I simply want to cum with you tonight.” he smirked, seething himself inside of me. 

“Oh gods!” I cry feeling him fill me thoroughly. 

He pulls out and thrusts back in causing me to whimper once more. Mor was right about one thing, the autumn court males have fire in their blood and they fuck like it too. 

“I missed you, missed this,” Lucien groans, his face contorted in pleasure as he builds a steady pace. 

“I missed you too Lu,” I say through ragged breaths as he fucks into me like his life depends on it. Apparently the time apart made him needy as well. 

I could hardly speak as he thrust deeper into me, his hands on my waist holding me steady so tha he could hit me as deep as possible. When I felt myself start to clench around him he doubled over, burying his head in my neck as his hips continued to snap into me.

My hands found his back clinging to the flesh there for an anchor, my walls fluttering around him one last time before I fell apart.The sudden sensation had Lucien biting my neck as he came with a low groan. 

We spent a few moments catching our breaths, he pushed up on his arms and moved a stray hair from my face, assessing to see if he had hurt me, just like he always did.  When he found no traces of pain in my face he rolled over, taking me with him so that I was lying on his chest. 

This was always the part I think we both craved the most. The sex was great, amazing even. But I longed for a pair of arms to fall asleep in, and he longed for someone to hold. Meaningless pillowtalk just for fun.

“I mean it, I did miss you,” I sigh circling my arms around his waist. 

“I missed you too, I hate sleeping in the spring court, it’s so cold and dark there now.” Lucien said, staring at the ceiling. 

“How is Tamlin?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Terrible,” he muttered. “I had to talk him into letting me stay.”  He continues playing with the ends of my hair. 

“You’re a good friend for checking in on him though,” I say matter of factly. 

“I still wish I could do more,” he sighs, pulling the covers up on the two of us.

“I understand,” I mutter keeping my head on his chest, staring at the fire that roars next to us. 

A long beat of comfortable silence passes, normally I would fall asleep like this. I would sometimes wake to him being gone, sometimes he would wake to me being gone. Only on weekends would both be able to wake up and go to breakfast together. This was one of those weekends, but instead of falling asleep, Lucien spoke up. 

“Can I ask you something?” he asked, not taking his gaze from the ceiling. 

“Sure,” I reply, waiting for a nonchalant inquiry. It wasn’t the first time he and I had played 20 questions to get to know each other more, though I thought that after a year of it we knew just about everything there was to know about the other. 

“Would you agree that Azriel and Elain are never going to give us a chance?” he asked. 

My heart twinges hearing his name, “Well Az doesn’t know, but even if he did I don’t think he would care. I’m not damsel in distress enough for him.” I snort recalling the unconscious type he has.

“I feel the same about Elain, and there’s something I’ve been thinking about, especially this past week,” he continues still facing the ceiling. 

I prop my head up on his chest wanting to read his face and his eyes flit to me, “Cryptic Vanserra, but go on,” I laugh trying to break the tension. 

“I’ve always been fond of you y/n ever since you visited the spring court all those years ago. Now that I’ve gotten to know you, that admiration has only grown, not to mention you’re a very beautiful female y/n,” he laughs at his own words, a tint of pink dusting his cheek and I can’t help but blush as well. “From the amount of time we’ve been spending together it seems you like me enough, and well…I don’t want to be alone anymore,” he says seemingly avoiding his main point. 

I sit up more, intrigued by his words, “What do you mean Lu?” I inquire. 

“I was wondering if you would like to be Mrs. Lucien Vanserra?” he finally says and my heart nearly stops at the shocking words. “I know I’m not Azriel, but consider me an alternative. I think we could make eachother genuinely happy, maybe help each other enjoy whatever we have left of this miserable life?” he asks, his voice laced with uncertainty. 

I let his words sink in as I stare at the bit of wall behind him. As I consider all that he’s said I realize that he’s right, we do get along. I had spent years trying to find a male to fill the hole Azriel put in my  life, but it always felt wrong. It was as if I was taking someone else’s mate, even when the males didn’t have mates.  It didn’t feel wrong being with Lucien because I knew that his mate also didn’t want anything to do with him. 

I was tired of not always having someone to come home to. Not having someone to go to events with. Not having someone to spend holidays with. Not having someone to call my own. I was tired of being alone, especially since I had been alone for about 400 years, but no longer. 

I smile down at Lucien’s nervous face, “I would be honored to be your wife,” I say. 

“You would?” he beams. 

“I would,” I repeated back to him. “You’re right, we do get along, and I’m tired of being alone too.” 

He presses his lips to mine, both of us smiling into the kiss. We would never fill the sadness of a rejected mating bond, but we would be there for one another. I lay my  head down on his chest again, feeling the sleep come into my eyes. 

“How should we do it?” he asked, tracing shapes on my bare back.

“Hmm,” I thought for a moment. A big wedding seemed odd considering we weren’t mates or anything close to it. Eloping seemed more proper. “I think we should keep it small.”

“Do we tell them?” He ponders the most awkward question.

“We can tell them, but we don’t need to invite them. It can be a modified elopement, they will all know but we can just invite my brother and Feyre, that way we both have family there.” I answer snuggling into his warmth more. 

“By the Cauldron I have to tell your brother I’ve been sleeping with you for over a year,” Lucien said anxiously, running a hand down his face. 

I can’t help but laugh at his stress, “He might be a little mad, but I’m sure Feyre will be so excited about it that he won’t care.” I giggle. 

I feel his body relax under my cheek, no doubt realizing that whatever the High Lady says will be law. He slides a red and gold ring off his pinky finger and slips it onto my left hand. 

“Here, it’s a family ring,” he explains looking at the gaudy ring on  my hand. While it fits on my finger well the jewel on it takes up my whole hand and looks unnatural. “I know I’m not part of the Autumn Court anymore but it’s all I have.” he continues.

“It’s perfect,” I laugh, inspecting the ill-fitting thing, “it’s an outcast just like us.”

Lucien's soft chuckle escapes him as he plants a gentle kiss atop my head. Tomorrow promises its usual dose of chaos, but that's a concern for another day. Tonight, here in bed with my fiancé, though this isn't the life I envisioned, I find myself flooded with a happiness I haven't felt in ages.

Part 2,

Part 3 (Lucien's Version)

Part 3 ( Azriel's Version)

Permanent Taglist: @fides25, @dissociated-always @crystalferret202

[berberriescorner]

“Are You Listening?”

Interlude: “Drinks On Me, Yeah?”

Characters: Rio x Black!Reader.

Summary: Issa Interlude, mama. Expect the unexpected.

Warnings: Profanity, angst, fluff, and drinking-little libation for the one, two.

Word Count: 1,700+.

A/N: My lovelies! My babies! Mama’s back and I got a little sum-sum for ya! Let’s start this weekend with a little Rio and the crew, yeah? Yeah. I want to give so many thanks to all of you sweet lovelies who have been rocking with me this entire time. Most of you know that the past year and a half has been quite the struggle. To everybody who took time out of your day to come and check in on me, please know that I’m appreciative and forever grateful to have connected with such amazing people🥹♥️. Thank you for all the sweet, hilarious comments and asks as well💓. I’m a little rusty, so be gentle with your girl. Enjoy my sweet babies.  Before anyone asks, yes, I’ve been working on Pt. 4😂😏😈.

"Are You Listening?" - The Playlist

Apple Music.

Spotify.

Part One Here.

Part Two Here.

Part Three Here.

Inspired By:

Your body pressed down into the plush mattress as you reveled in the comfort and security of being home. Your mind replayed the image of your mom snatching the door open, the two of you hugging tightly, rocking side to side. You had spent the past week trying to survive final exams and warding off the many questions of, “What’s wrong, baby girl?” The woman who gave you life knew you all too well. Sensing that her youngest baby was struggling, her attempts to get you to open up over the phone went unanswered. With the semester complete, being home didn’t leave much space to dodge the knowing gaze in her eyes. 

That master’s degree will probably be a waste of time.

The moment you pulled away from the hug, she cupped your chin, and your poker face cracked as the tears cascaded down your cheeks. Two hours later, you filled her in on everything from the stress of school, financial aid, working doubles, and the fresh crack in your heart that was taking its sweet-ass time to heal. All of which had only taken about forty minutes to stutter out. The talk and her comfort had left you wiped out, and just like any amazing mother would do, she sent you to your room for a nap and got to work on preparing comfort food.

You considered dozing off for a bit more rest, but your bedroom door flew open, bouncing off the corner of your vanity. Your eyes narrowed to mere slits as you started to curse your oldest brother out. His hand raising halted the verbal reprimand.

“Alena’s big-headed ass is here to see ya mean ass,” he snarked about the woman who would eventually become his wife.

These two bitches are so in love. It’s sickening. The attraction is so annoyingly obvious. Shit makes me sick to my stomach.

Before you could tell him you didn’t want company, she was already in the doorframe. “Uh-uh, bitch you are not about to dodge me for another two weeks.” With those words said, you had no choice but to give her a rundown of what had transpired. Not only had she forced you to divulge every last detail while the two of you hugged and cried together. She also took it upon herself to wiggle you into your best freakum dress and head out for a girl’s night.

Being the baby and the only girl in your family made for very over-the-top protective parents. The moment your father saw your attire, he wouldn’t let up. He was hell-bent on forcing your brothers to chaperone.

It wasn’t a horrible idea.  Only you didn’t like your independence challenged. Luckily, the older siblings were pretty chill, so long as no one was overly aggressive. They had taught you how to handle shit for yourself at a young age. You spent the first half hour in the club pouting and ready to go home to wallow in self-misery.

“Hoe! If you don’t fix your face, scaring off every good-looking man in this club!”

“They’ll be alright, so long as they keep their distance. In case you didn’t get the memo after our long talk. Men make my ass itch,” you growled, kissing your teeth.

“Whateva, you and that stank attitude can have a good time together,” she sassed, throwing up a hand and walking away from the bar.”

“Where are you going? Alena!”

“I’ll be back, damn! Let me go on and annoy them, fine-ass brothers of yours. Be nice, and don’t bite nobody head off, sourpuss.”

“Always thirsting after my blood, just triflin’.”

With the flick of a middle finger, she sauntered over to their section. You could see the irritation rolling off them as she seated herself in the middle. The arguing started seconds later. Your eye twitched at the sight. Swinging the barstool back toward the liquor, you were about to pass the time scrolling through social media. Instead, a set of bronzed-colored, muscular digits came into view. They gently pressed your phone to the bar as the matching digits slid another lemon drop into view. Your eyes danced along those muscular fingers, trailing upward until they landed on one of the sexiest faces you’d ever witnessed. If any other man would’ve done this, he would’ve been set straight expeditiously. In this instance, ole boy was just too damn fine, and it left you on mute. The corners of his mouth lifted into a handsome smirk.

The stranger turned his barstool to get closer. One hand rested on the bar while the other cradled the back of your seat. His eyes roamed over your body, lip tucking between his teeth, matching you stare for stare. He chuckled when he noticed your quirked eyebrow.

“I don’t mean to intrude on ya evening, but I figured you could use another drink.”

“Is that so?”

“Couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with your friend. I’m tryin’ to  figure out why these men got your fine ass itching out here.”

Shit, he heard that? Floor, open up and swallow me. That’s so damn embarrassing.

As if reading your thoughts, he continued, “Nothing to be embarrassed about, mama. There’s a lot of boys running around here pretending to be men. Who was crazy enough to fumble you? He gotta be the dumbest man on earth.”

As if on cue, said fumbler’s name popped up on your caller ID. With a swipe of a finger, the phone went silent. You turned back to your new admirer. He had signaled for another round of drinks.

“Either you’re a big spender, or the bartender is your connect,” you teased.

“Connect is one way of putting it. This my spot, darlin’.”

He chuckled as you damn near choked on your drink.

“I’m sorry. Tend to put my foot in my mouth.”

“You good. I like a woman who’s not afraid to speak her mind. Dealing with me, you go to say it with your chest.”

“Oh, so you plan to be around me beyond tonight?”

“Around, underneath, on top. We locked in, mama,” he insisted, licking his lips.

“I don’t even know your name, fool,” you cackled at his cockiness.

“Name’s Rio, but you can call me Christopher, mama. My future wife needs to know my government name. I’m putting my trust in you. Don’t be tellin’ my business, sweetheart.”

“Who says I’m checking for you, Rio?”

“You accepted my company and drinks. Deep down, you’re intrigued by me. Ain’t no need to hide it. When I see something I want, gotta go after it, mama.” he rasped, voice lowering to a panty-dropping level.

“You’re trouble. I just know it.”

Rio planted both hands on your thighs. The gasp that escaped you lit his brown orbs with passion.

“Can I have your undivided attention for the night? Want to get to know you better, mama.”

Grabbing his outstretched hand, he helped you down off the stool.

“Rio…”

Piercing light flickered in the darkness, pulling you from the memory that played itself in your dreams. Your hand snatched the vibrating phone from the table. Your orbs squinted to read the screen, teeth clenching in frustration.

Fucking Rio, I can’t even get away from him in my sleep. Stupid-handsome-asshole.

With a single tap, the phone rested on DND. You closed off from the world to find a peaceful slumber, only to wake from another dream. Throwing the covers back, you startled, feeling the bed dip. His cologne wafted through the air, and your eyes connected.

“Why all the tossing and turning, amor? Hmm,” he rasped, hand trailing up your arm. His warm palm cradled the side of your neck, rubbing away some of the tension.

“Sorry, did my restlessness wake you?”

“No, querida. I’ve been up taking care of some things.”

“Same old Miguel. Everything business. Still don’t sleep much, huh?”

His eyes crinkled with a small smile, but you could also see sadness. It’s the same unhappiness that’s always lingered, only now accompanied by sparks of anger and resentment. Your mind replayed his words in the elevator.

Where’s your wife, Miguel?

She had other plans tonight.

The slightest mention of her had nearly sent his mood spiraling. You weren’t privy to what was happening in his marriage but didn’t want to pry. He would only reverse card uno your ass. Miguel would insist that you vent about your own life and frustrations.

“Thank you for taking the couch,” you nibbled at your lip. 

There was a hint of frustration and guilt lingering in your chest. Not being able to sleep without dreaming of Rio left you feeling conflicted. Part of you wanted to say to hell with loyalty. Being in such a vulnerable state had you craving to be held and cuddled, but regardless of circumstance, the two of you were very much married. Concern swam in the pools of his eyes. Miguel sensed the ongoing dilemma in your head, and his fingers gently cupped your chin.

“Hey, talk to me. What’s all this,” he asked, tugging the lip between your teeth. “Tell me what you need.”

“I can’t,” you sighed.

“You can, and you will. Look at me,” he insisted as your eyes locked.

“Anything you ask me. It won’t leave this room. You need me to hold you until sleep takes over, amor?”

Unable to verbally say it, you gave him a slight head nod. Removing his tie, watch, and shoes, he made it over to the opposite side of the bed. Miguel got right to it, not giving you time to overthink it. He pulled you into his chest, arms engulfing you in a tight hug.

“Were you having nightmares, cariño?”

“No, just happy memories reminding me of the present painful ones,” you replied, voice filling with unshed tears.

“You want to talk about it?”

Silence filled the room as Miguel continued, “We don’t have to ta-.”

His sentence cut short as he felt the tremors and your head burrowed into his side. Miguel’s heart cracked at the sound of the sobs falling from your lips. His arms pulled you further into him until there was no space left, and the palm of his hand rubbed at your head.

“Shhh, you’re okay. I’m here,” he cooed, leaving soft kisses on the crown of your head.

Miguel continued to whisper calming words. You cried until your head pounded, and sleep took over.

Hope you all enjoyed that little peek into how Rio pulled up on your girl for the first time. He saw something he liked, and he had to have you🥰. We’ll just call this a vague moment of insight into upcoming events...if that makes sense 😆. If you enjoyed please be sure to hit the love button, comment, and reblog. Spread the love, my babies.

Divider: @firefly-graphics

Tags:

@darqchilddaydreamz @4everbrookemarie @astoldbychae @percosim @1andonlytashae @nightlywords7 @amorestevens @crimsonheart01 @rio-reid-whoreee @mrsmontanalol @igigix @keaboyd21 @blowmymbackout @uhlxis @abcdestinyyyy @hihellogoodbyebruh @sunshine-flower @lemmewritesomeish @catxo @naughtyslashers @realhotgurlshit @peaches007 @gardenof-venus @aizawash0e @minton131 @novaniskye @90sisthenew80s @cjricks98 @skyesthebomb @myownworstenemydw @lifeofthelovelyone @tashawar @gabbywontlose @kayla1blog @skelly-baby @adg1115 @blessedboo @fandomcitysstuff @drinaj @being-worthy @sxkxna @whore4-horror @elliesrealgf @pimpsdontcryy @batgurl42 @gotbeefbitch-blog @thedopestblackgirl @nunya7394 @midnightheat @pixieyosi @imjustheretoreads-blog 

@superhoeva @memeaaaa @djconde58

[strangeobsessed]

Bada Lee Fic Recommendations

*photos are edited by me, pls dont steal!! thank you

note: most of the fics will contain angst, fluff, suggestive/smut, toxic relationship ish? i'll possibly continue to update this list and make a one-shot ver if i don't get lazy. enjoyyy!! btw adding a writers work here basically means i recommend their whole acc!

last updated: 22 dec 2023

SERIES / ONE-SHOTS

Mortal Gods - Bada Lee x OC Team Fem!Reader synopsis: Imagine a ninth team becoming part of the dynamic Street Woman Fighter 2 cast. These remarkable dancers don't only showcase their incredible moves; they possess an enchanting charm that sweeps not just the audience but also the hearts of their fellow competitors. ↳ by @ssivinee

All American Bitch - Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: Bada's strong opinion of you spreads like wildfire, which turns into nothing but disaster. Neither of you feel sympathy for the other. After all, there are only 3 rules in Street Woman Fighter: no limit, no respect, and no mercy. ↳ by @perfectsunlight

Moth to a Flame - Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: Y/n L/n is the youngest team member of Jam Republic, competing in the second season of Street Woman Fighter. She’s got the sweetest smile and the most vibrant personality, but she also may or may not be the biggest hothead on the show when it comes to defending her teammates. Apparently that’s attractive to Bada Lee. ↳ by @wrosie-writes

Let's Dance - Bada Lee x Jam Rebublic!Reader x Wolf'lo!Chocol synopsis: A professional ballet dancer in Street Woman Fighter Season 2? (Y/N) Bae, a 23-year-old ballerina and dance prodigy enters the fighting arena alongside the infamously known crew, Jam Republic. Making the team's aura and presence far more intimidating despite being clad in soft pink and white clothing, adorned with astonished faces and friendly smiles. As the young woman entered the arena with curious eyes and small smile, the other teams couldn't help but awe at her beauty and elegant aura, unknowingly capturing the eyes of two charismatic dancers. ↳ by @diana-rose-25

Lost Cause - Bada Lee x Reader x BEBE!Lusher synopsis: In which, you can't help but hate being Bada's best friend, even though you love her more than anything. ↳ by @bountycancelled

A Princess' Will - Bada Lee x Princess!Reader synopsis: After an assassination attempt, the queen invites the very best fighters from across the land to compete for the great honor of protecting you, the princess. ↳ by @lovystar

Stolen Hoodie (SMAU) - Bada Lee x OC!Reader (Shin Nari) synopsis: In which a love story begins with a stolen hoodie. ↳ by @badasgirlfriend

No Feelings Attached To The Limit (Part 2) - Bada Lee x Dancer!Reader synopsis: The relationship between bada and y/n had always been flirty. But what if one of them wanted something more? ↳ by @nimxie

The guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all - Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: As you attend one of Kai's shows, your gaze remains glued to a particular background dancer. Fueled by adrenaline, you gather the courage to approach him after the performance, handing over your number. But what can happen when Y/N realise that the guy she was interested in wasn’t a guy at all? ↳ by @westwoodsvivi

Mafia AU - Mafia!Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: Your arranged marriage to older!cold!mafia boss!Bada Lee unfolds, revealing that there's more than just ice behind her cold heart. ↳ by @allur1ngs

Losing Touch Untouched (Part 2) - Gang Member!Bada Lee x Reader synopsis: Picking up your girlfriend from the police station does not seem like a good date idea for you. Especially if she refuses to talk about the very things that got her in trouble with the police. ↳ by @beetlejuicyy

The Duplicate Part 2 - Bada Lee x 1 Million Member!Reader synopsis: - ↳ by @throughthebluesea

Speak Now - Bada Lee x Actress!Reader synopsis: You and Bada have been best friends since you transferred to her school during 8th grade. Both are harboring feelings for each other but chose to remain as friends just in case being in a relationship doesn't work out between you. You made a pact to be each other's date during holidays and occasions that carried on to adulthood. You had to go away but Bada's feelings for you remained. She wanted to ask you out when you come back but when you did, she found out you're already engaged to someone else. Will this be a tragic love story or will she finally gather up courage to be with you after all these years? ↳ by @mikachacha

Secret Love Song Part 2 - Bada Lee x BEBE!Reader synopsis: Being in a secret relationship is not easy, especially if you are hiding it to the whole world. — or — the heavy weight of the strained relationship you have with Bada has just become too overwhelming. ↳ by @mikaleialt

Ignited Fire - Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: Y/n S/n, an Architecture student and Bada Lee, a Performing Arts student shares an apartment at their university. They are doing great until Bada started bringing different girls at night forbidding Y/n to focus on her studies. Things went south when Bada stated her adoration towards Y/n. It all went downhill when one night ruined Y/n’s heart. ↳ by @bleu-seas

Full Moon Part 2 - Succubus!Bada Lee x Fem!Reader synopsis: - ↳ by @sun-nyy

Admire. - Bada Lee x Jam Republic OC!Reader (Lea Chang) synopsis: In which Bada unexpectedly gets to see and battle her long-time idol and crush on a survival show she was in, Street Woman Fighter. ↳ by @yxine

Homewrecker - Bada Lee x Reader synopsis: Bada is lonely, you fix that. ↳ by @sydnerss

[addisonnie]

you, me, & mary-jane

summary: dealer!ellie comes in clutch in more ways than one.

warnings: make-out sesh, cursing, terrible breaking bad references

a/n: surprise! another ellie fic because i refuse to do the schoolwork that i desperately need to finish! wooooooooo dealer ellie is yum. i actually kinda hate this! enjoy! oh god also listen to “meddle about” by chase atlantic while you read if you would like. ellie=chase atlantic okay bye

part 2 —> part 3

There are several things in life that you can live without. Weed is not one of them.

You’re huffing and borderline growling as you dig through various stash locations in your room. Closet, empty. Under the mattress, nothing but crumbs. In every single pants pocket? Zero. Zilch. Not one lush green nug was found.

What could be chalked up to a literal war cry left your lips as you sat on the floor with your head in your hands, “this is it. This is the end.”

Dina’s head poked up from the side of her bed, “what are you whining about down there?”

Leaning your head back onto the wall, you sent Dina a harsh glare, “you and Jesse smoked the last of it! And I’m flat broke, too!”

She sat up fully in her bed, eyes wide and crazy, “bitch! Don’t pin this on us! You said it was fine.”

“That was last night! This is today! Today I just want to smoke my silly little bowl and enjoy my silly little high.” You groan and knock your head against the wall a few times.

Fishing your phone from your back pocket, you open iMessage. Hopefully your plug isn’t busy right now. Last time you bought from him was in the parking lot of his youngest child’s soccer game. Maybe buying from a 40-something father of three isn’t always the best idea—at least he won’t rip you off?

Hey. You busy?

Tom usually responds right away. His clients doubled as his friends (you being his ex-babysitter) and he always loved to provide for them.

Who is this?

Well, that’s strange. Tom definitely has your number saved. And, Tom definitely knows who you are.

Don’t play, Tom. I want to buy!!!!

You watch the text bubbles pop up and disappear in the bottom corner of the screen a few times, showing that he’s typing out a response and deleting it over and over.

This is his wife. Don’t text this number again. He is married. And he does not sell what you want to “buy.”

You could really cry at this moment. Like, honestly and truly sob. A long huff leaves your lips and you knuckle at your eyes aggressively. Fucking bullshit. Tom’s wife was always kind of a bitch, to be fair. But you didn’t think she’d ever pull a Skylar White on you. What does a girl have to do to get some weed around here?

“Do you know any other dealers? I just got told off by Tom’s wife.” Dina laughed from her bed.

“My name is Skylar White, yo. My husband is Walter White, yo.” You couldn’t help but laugh, “that’s exactly what I was thinking!”

She sits up in her bed, hanging her tanned legs off the side, “here. I have mutual friends with this girl, think her name is Ellie? I heard she sells. Good prices too.”

Dina tosses her phone into your lap from where she sits and allows you to send the contact to yourself.

Hey. Is this Ellie?

———

Ellie takes a couple hours before responding.

It depends on who’s asking?

Your professor drones on about some random Shakespeare play and you can’t bring yourself to pay attention while you read over Ellie’s text.

Dina gave me your number, I heard you sell?

Man. I really hope you’re not a cop.

You chuckle at her text.

Not a cop. Twenty year old girl over here. I love One Direction.

That sounds like something an undercover cop would say.

Ellie made a good point. You scroll through your camera roll trying to find a recent selfie before landing on one you took a couple days ago. You’re clearly high in the picture, so maybe Ellie will take the hint.

Here. Proof. Not a cop :)

Pretty.

She sent her address in a separate text and informs you to meet her there around 7pm when she’s done with her night class. Your professor excuses the class and leaves the remainder of students to pack their things. 5pm. Usually you smoke before going to pick up. Clearly, that’s not an option today. What does one do while they wait if they have no weed?

———

Nothing. One does absolutely nothing if they have no weed.

You knock on Ellie’s front door and wait a few beats before stepping back from the doorway. The lock clicks before the dingy wooden door opens inward,

“Hey!”

Oh, damn. She is fine.

Her auburn hair is short and rests about an inch above her shoulders. It’s pulled slightly up into a bun and several short strands curl lightly along the nape of her neck.

“Hey! Ellie, right?”

She smiles, “that’s me.” The door is pulled open wider and she beckons you to come inside. A botanical tattoo swirls along her forearm and you find yourself staring at her awkwardly before you step into the house.

She tugs off her flannel and slings it over the back of a woven couch, leaving her in a fitted white tank top.

You suck in a breath, “how are you?”

How are you? Really? Who says that to a drug dealer?

She chuckles and slouches into the couch, patting the open spot beside her, “pretty good. How about you?”

“Honestly? I’m suffering.”

She laughs fully this time, “that bad, huh? Your dealer die or something?”

“God, I wish. His wife responded to my text and told me to fuck off, basically. That he doesn’t sell what I buy.” Ellie cringes and shakes her head, her lips pressed into a tight frown,

“she Skylar-Whited you? That’s pretty fucking rough.”

“That’s exactly what I said! Call me Jesse Pinkman, I guess.” Ellie shook her head again and leaned forward to grab a small mahogany box.

Her long fingers opened the lid and scrounged through the container before she happily hummed and held up what she was looking for. A joint was pressed between her fingers and she quickly snatched a lighter off the coffee table.

After she placed the box back on the table, she leaned back into the couch and stretched her arm along the back of it, her fingers barely grazing your shoulder. Ellie turned to face you and held the joint to your lips, “open up.”

Your face flushes as you do what she asked��demanded. Her fingers place the joint onto your awaiting lips and she quickly lights the paper, still holding the joint to your mouth.

What is this girl on? You can’t help but feel as if this is strangely intimate. Tom never held a joint to your lips! On second thought, it’s probably good that he didn’t.

You inhale and she pulls the joint to meet her own mouth as she watches you exhale.

“We can smoke this and then I’ll grind up some for you.” She passes you the joint this time.

“Oh—you don’t have to. I can take the nugs. I don’t want to trouble you.” You pass it back.

She smirks, the joint hanging from the side of her mouth, “no trouble at all. Happy to do it.”

“Is that what you tell all of your clients?”

Another smirk, “only the pretty ones.”

The joint is placed back into your fingertips and you are very glad, this way you can explain the extreme blush creeping up onto your cheeks as just you being overly high. Ellie has somehow moved closer to you, her thigh is pressed up against yours and the arm she has outstretched across the back of the couch skims the back of your shoulders. A chill rakes through your body, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“Here, take it.” The hand she has resting behind your head snatches her discarded flannel and drops it into your lap.

“Oh—thanks.” She hums in response.

———

Ellis is funny as hell. Each sentence that escapes her plump lips makes less sense than the last,

“would you rather be trapped in a locked room with a gorilla, or with…with a shit ton of cockroaches?”

She’s sitting opposite you on the couch, her back leaning against one armrest. One of her legs is bent and squished against the back of the couch, her other is sprawled off the edge of the couch. Bit of a man-spreader, this one. Your back is pressed to the opposite arm rest and your legs are stretched outward, resting softly in her lap.

Again, weirdly intimate.

“Oh. Fuck, probably the roaches? Just step on ‘em. Yanno?”

She gasps and latches onto your sock-clad feet, “sickening! Me and that gorilla are gonna be friends.”

You squint at her, “you gonna sell him some Mary-Jane?”

“Yup,” she pops the ‘p’ and passes you the remainder of the joint. Your fingers skim over hers and she blushes a bit, nudging your finger with hers.

“Hey—so how much do I owe you?” You immediately regret ruining the moment the second the words pass your lips.

“Well, flattery works with me—“ you cut her off, “oh yeah? I would’ve kissed you earlier, had I known that.”

She flushes, “you can—um. You can still kiss me. If you want.”

And, just like that, your eyes turn into hearts and start beating rapidly. You surge forward and press your lips to hers, smiling into the kiss when she flicks the joint out of her fingertips and grabs your cheeks, pulling you closer.

Her mouth melds to yours and immediately has you panting like a bitch in heat. She moves one of her hands to pinch at your hip, grasping and probing at you until you wind up straddling her lap. You press your chest into hers and squeak when you feel her hand push your hip down, effectively grinding you down onto her. A strangled whine leaves your lips as she pulls away and begins kissing down the column of your throat.

Her mouth is wet and firm while she sucks and nips on any naked skin she can find, moaning when she feels your fingers card through her hair. Your hips continually rut into hers and she quickly sets a different pace, gripping your hips and dragging you forward and back on her lap. Ellie moans when you grab her hair and pull. Her face is removed from your neck at the force of your tug and she pants to catch her breath before opening her eyes to meet yours.

“How’s free sound?” She gives you a crooked smirk and presses an open-mouthed kiss to your throat.

“Sounds like I’m ripping you off, Ellie.”

She groans and throws her head back onto the couch, “I love the way you say my name. And it’s not ripping me off, babe.”

And you’re blushing again. Babe. She called you babe.

She continues, “think of it as a little sampler. Free shared joint, some ground up weed, and some Ellie.”

You grab her cheeks and squish them together, “only if you swear this sampler is offered to me only. Can’t have anyone stealing my deals.”

She brushes your hands off and smirks again, “like I said earlier, pretty girls only.”

“You said ‘girls’ plural.” She laughs.

“I’ve got three clients. A grown man named Joel, one of the sociology professors—don’t tell anyone I said that. Then you. And I’m a lesbian, so…” She trails off at the end of her sentence and looks down at your lips again, hands splayed across your thighs.

You kiss her again. It’s short and chaste and it leaves Ellie chasing your lips for just one more. Two more. Three. How’s five sound?

She presses kisses to your puckered lips over and over, “all,” kiss, “the weed,” kiss, “you can,” kiss, “dream of.”

Ellie finally pulls away to fully look at you, “I mean it. You can have all the weed you want if you keep kissing me like that.”

————

When you finally clamber off of her lap and detach her hands from your hips it’s almost one in the morning. She sighs while she watches you stuff your ‘goody bag’ into your purse, slipping your shoes back on. Her fingers beckon you back to the couch and she taps your right leg until you bend it and rest your foot on top of her thigh. You were planning on walking home with your shoes untied, but Ellie’s nimble fingers quickly double knot each of your shoes; She presses a kiss to each of your knees before letting them straighten back out.

Her hands find your hips again—shocker— while she walks you to the front door. A kiss is pressed to your lips one last time and she gives you a firm squeeze when you lean in to hug her.

“Come back soon. Fuck that guy, I’m your new dealer for life.” You smile and step outside, “okay.”

She definitely tied your shoes too tight and you make a mental note to fix it when you’re out of her eyesight. As you’re walking down the sidewalk that leads you to campus she calls your name,

“Get home safe, yeah? Text me when you’re back!”

You will definitely text her.

[aimmyarrowshigh]

My dearest, darling Aim, do you happen any thoughts and/or comments about that new Velma show that just came out, because it just sounds horrific and I made the fatal error of watching about a minute of some cisgender white dude's critic of it on youtube and I'm more than a LITTLE FROTHY about how he was basically 'Welp, that's what happens when you try to shoehorn the remake of a classic show into being more ethnically diverse and it's like that because Mindy Kaling is dumpy and unattractive.'

::THE HEAVIEST OF SIGHS::

As a disclaimer before my comments: I have not watched it and I don't plan to watch it. Basically as soon as I saw the first trailer, I said, "This was not made for me, a person who loves Velma and Scooby-Doo."

Because that's the thing -- it was not made for people who love Velma and Scooby-Doo. It was made for people who don't think loving anything is cool, and specifically, who think "nostalgia poisoning" is a thing and want to "ruin your childhoods" because "it's time to grow up" or whatever. It exists in the same vein of humor as the last ten years of South Park, or Seth Macfarlane's whole career, where the only comedy thesis is, "If you care about anything, you're a rube."

Because it's not just Velma and Scooby-Doo that the new show takes potshots at. It's also true crime fans (who are pretty much only women), it's Other Girls (shown to be vapid "bitches" AKA Daphne), it's people with mental illness, it's adult cartoon watchers as a whole, it's people who genuinely want diversified television, it's the idea of friendship. And it's ALSO people who hate true crime fans, and people who hate Other Girls, and people who hate diversified television. Because there is no "right way" to watch the show. There's no underlying person you can be as an audience member and NOT be shit on by the show.

If you hate that they made Velma Desi, then the show is going to shit on you for it, but not because you're a bigoted loser -- but because you care about something.

If you hate that they made Velma an odious quasi-fascist with a serious streak of internalized misogyny, the show is going to shit on you -- because you care about something.

The only way to be "cool," in the vein of comedy that HBO Velma exists within, is to aggressively not care about anything. But don't Not Care too aggressively! Because that circles back around to caring about seeming cool, and that's not cool!

And I'm gonna be honest:

Mindy Kaling has always had a problem with desperately, desperately wanting to be seen as cool. (See title of autobiography, 'Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?')

In the 2000s, when she was in Hasty Pudding (iirc) and the youngest writer on The Office -- a show which DOES NOT HOLD UP in 2023; if you still think The Office is hilarious in 2023 I find you a DEEPLY suspicious person -- it seemed revolutionary and rebellious to openly be a non-thin, nerdy girl and say, "I really wish I were cool." And it was, for the time! That WAS revolutionary and rebellious! It's what built Mindy Kaling's career (and also Tina Fey's, another writer whose work Does Not Hold Up in 2023).

And in the 2010s, with The Mindy Project, being an adult woman who wrote frankly about desperately wanting to be cool was kind of fresh-ish, and the ways that Mindy's character undermined herself to try to get what she wanted felt if not relevant, then unfortunately relatable for a lot of people. But she also ends up with a dude character who, in the FIRST EPISODE, calls her fat. To her face. Many times. It's never addressed again, and it's not played as a dealbreaker... obviously. Because she ends up with someone who fundamentally doesn't respect or like her. But she ends up with somebody! And that's what matters! Because it's cool to have a boyfriend!

In the 2020s, Mindy's shtick is extremely outdated, at best, and is an active choice by Mindy to be harmful, at worst (and frankly, with Velma, most likely). Mindy's shtick is not, "Some girls aren't cool, and that's okay." It's literally, "If you're a girl who isn't cool, that's not okay."

And that's THE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THE POINT OF VELMA DINKLEY.

I've seen a lot of posts that are either comparisons or contrasts with Netflix's Wednesday, and I don't really have a dog in that fight because like, I enjoyed the unintentional sapphic vibes of Wednesday a lot and I thought Jenna Ortega was great, but the show as a whole fundamentally misunderstands The Addams Family, so I'm overall like, "eh." BUT. What both the comparisons and the contrasts of Wednesday and Velma hinge on is this:

Neither show understands, or cares, why the characters they're based on are beloved in the first place. They don't actually want to interact with the source material, and they don't actually want to court fans of the source material. If anything, they want fans of the source material to avoid the show so that the streaming service they're on can have a young, hip demo tuning in.

And what they don't understand about Wednesday and Velma... is that the reason they're beloved... is that they like who they are.

Wednesday is macabre, but she's a happy kid. She likes what she likes. She gleefully electrocutes Pugsley not because she likes causing pain, but because it's fascinating to see what electrocution does. She beheads her dolls and then sleeps with both pieces in her arms. She studies the Bermuda Triangle because it's fucking interesting that whole-ass ships and planes disappear! She likes the things she likes. She likes who she is. She LIKES THINGS. She's not miserable or misanthropic or nihilist. The line that Wednesday most got right of Wednesday's dialogue was "no one gets to torture [Pugsley] except me," because she's a fierce protector and an Addams, first and foremost.

(Insert 96-paragraph rant here about how The Addams Family (2019) and The Addams Family: The Musical also fundamentally misunderstand this about Wednesday, the musical perhaps worst of all. Wednesday does not want to be normal. She just doesn't want to be perky.)

Velma is a nerd and a dork and a geek, and she could not be happier about it! She's gonna kick your ass at the science fair! She will correct the grammar of your 'kick me' sign on her back and return it with red pen! She's a skeptic not because she hates caring about things or hates belief, but because she loves learning and she loves evidence. The only girl that Velma has ever had any negative relationship with that I can recall is that she and Marcie Fleach had some tension because they were equally smart and smart people sometimes compete to be The Smartest, but then in the end THEY WERE IN LOVE AND GIANT LESBIANS. And then Marcie got murdered by a paranormally enhanced parrot, but whatever.

There's a REASON why there's never been -- until this HBO show -- a whiff of jealousy that Daphne is traditionally beautiful or that Fred adores her. (I mean, part of that is that Velma is a lesbian, but also VELMA DOESN'T WANT TO BE DAPHNE, SHE WANTS TO BE VELMA.) The only "love triangle" that the Scooby gang has ever had was literally INCLUDING THE DOG, because Velma does not hate anything about Daphne or who Daphne is. She celebrates who Daphne is. She loves who Daphne is. She would never, ever, ever call Daphne a bitch.

But here's the thing: I genuinely don't think that Mindy Kaling can conceive of a weird girl being happy with who they are.

I don't know if it's a generational, grew-up-in-the-80s thing, or an effect of racism she experienced as a Desi girl, or because she's frequently been the only woman in a comedy writers' room, or if she just as a defective personality.

But I think she looked at Velma and said, "This girl makes no sense unless she's miserable, angry, and maladjusted."

And I think Tim Burton looked at Wednesday and said the same thing. But I also think Tim Burton looks at literally all women always and says that, so whatever.

I think Mindy Kaling deeply, deeply hates herself. And she can't write female characters who don't also deeply hate themselves.

But that's not Velma.

[kluskinoodles]

PART 2!!!!!!!

Sorry this one is a bit shorter because I don’t really have that much stuff for these two but I’m open to ideas!!!! Warnings for underage drinking, child abuse, and period typical homophobia. But anyways, NEXT UP IS KYLE!!

He was born Kyle Leslie Jacob Fitzpatrick on July 24, 1938 in Buffalo, New York. Kyle was born to a family full of musical prodigies and as an only child. Kyle started to play the piano at a young age and by the time he was 8 he started playing the piano for the local church that his family went to (He was Christian). His mother was diagnosed with cancer when he was just 6 years old and she died a few months later. By the time he was 11, his father, who was a famous pianist and conductor, got invited to Rapture. Of course his father took the offer, left their faith, and by mid 1949 they traveled down. HIs father took him to shows so he could shadow him while he played. Kyle hates his middle name and changed it to Jacob when he was 14. It wasn’t til 1956 his father fell ill and also died (he doesn’t have great luck with parents). And that’s where Cohen came about, now that Kyle was vulnerable, Cohen could now persuade him to be his disciple. By early 1957, Kyle agreed and started working for Cohen (who has his eyes on him since he watched him play, NOT IN A CREEPY WAY. More like “I need that talent”). Kyle’s personality is a little difficult. He follows all Cohen’s orders, no matter how horrible they are. If Cohen tells him to stay, Kyle stays. If Cohen tells him to electrocute performers, he’s going to do it. The only order he did not follow was when Cohen told him his freckles were an eye sore and to go get fixed up like Cobb did. He didn’t do it but he did develop body image issues. He might be a bit chubby but at least Cohen hasn’t commented on that. Like the other of Cohen's disciples, Kyle has done drugs before, and he may or may not be a little bit addicted to cocaine. He says it helps him "focus", but the last time he did a line, he started running around, trying to pick his freckles off til he bled, and writing on the walls and floor of the Fleet Hall stage. Cohen did make him scrub it up. His relationship with the other three is weird. Him and Martin bitch at each other a bit but make up in the end. They just don’t see eye to eye sometimes especially when Kyle starts complaining and Martin tells him to shut the fuck up. Kyle and Silas is a bit complicated. Silas annoys the shit out of everyone, calling everyone pet names, all that jazz. But Kyle has a crush on Cobb, so for some reason he just CANNOT act normal around him. He’s always at least a bit flustered, but Kyle knows that Silas and Martin are jealous of him and the attention he is getting from Cohen. But Kyle would and WILL break Silas’ nose next time he tries touching him or basically flirting with him. Him and Hector are on neutral terms, Kyle is super worried about Hector’s drinking but the others say it’s fine and that he has been drinking for a while now, which worries Kyle even more. Kyle has never seen Hector sober before. Kyle and Cohen we all know their dynamic, Cohen takes advantage of him, yells at him, all that stuff. Then bro gets blown up, Cohen KYLE TRUSTED YOU AND YOU DO HIM LIKE THAT?????? 

Lastly, It’s our favorite alcoholic HECTOR!!

Hector Gutérrez Rodríguez was born on February 14, 1922 in Spain but moved to New Hampshire when he was 5 years old. Being the youngest of 4 kids, Hector did not have a good home life. Like at all, his father was verbally abusive, and his mother did not do anything to stop him from beating his siblings and him. He was inspired to be an author or a poet when he got older, or a playwright, he couldn’t decide. Hector started writing poems for his mom when he was just 7 years old, but his dad would tear them up and hit him for being a f-slur. His father called him “perverted” and a “peodophile” because he was gay. Like Martin, Hector was basically forced to come out when he was 17 when his father caught him with the boyfriend he had at the time. After that, he ran away from home and paid for a bus to New York. After a while of not finding work and sleeping on the streets, he turned to alcohol to cope with stress. And to make money, like Silas, he started selling his body for cash and a place to sleep. He met Cohen at a bar one night in 1940, and after he showed Cohen his writings, Cohen loved what he saw and took him in. He condensed his name down to just “Hector Rodriguez” losing the accent over the i so it would be more “americanized”. After a bit of working under Cohen (1943), Hector had stopped drinking and was a recovering alcoholic, it did take him a bit long to do because he was an addict but that’s okay. After Cohen went mad and started abusing his power, Hector turned back to the bottle and relapsed. Hector had a little bit of an anger problem but he was improving (BY DRINKING). His relationship with others has already been explained in the others explanations but I wanted to add one thing. He doesn't understand why Martin doesn’t know when people are flirting with him, but he’s probably just too drunk to care. He barely writes anymore, Cohen took all the creativity he had when he drove him to drink and took advantage of him. Hector is not really picky of what he drinks, but he really does miss real alcohol and not the water down stuff. EDIT: Hector is bilingual he speaks Spanish and English THE END!! Cohen when he sees an artist with daddy issues and struggles with sexual identity:

Part one here

@js-sexchange-surgeon-steinman @arsont-t Here's part two 😊 (sorry for tagging)

[darklinaforever]

Some : Daemon is undeniably a deeply misogynistic man, because he refers to his first wife, Rhea Royce, as a bronze bitch, and Alicent Hightower as a whore cunt ! (Show) / Daemon is undeniably a deeply misogynistic man, because he refers to his first wife, Rhea Royce, as a bronze bitch. (book)

Me :

Daemon wields Dark Sister, a sword that was forged to wield by his ancestor Visenya Targaryen, great warrior/first wife/queen, sometimes sitting herself on the Iron Throne alongside her brother/husband Aegon I. So Daemon literally carries on him, almost h24, the sword of a woman, a woman warrior, without any apparent worries. Moreover, Daemyra intended to name their daughter Visenya, showing that she is a very appreciated Targaryen figure, as much of Rhaenyra as of Daemon (this also counts for the series, as the creators named/talked about baby Daemyra as baby Visenya). Not to mention that Daemon married Laena Velaryon, having claimed and mounted Vaghar, literally the greatest dragon in the world. He then married Rhaenyra, the youngest rider in Targaryen history, described as being a woman of character, not to mention being the future Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, of whom he would become the greatest supporter, and whom he would crown with elsewhere himself when the time comes. Also, it's pretty obvious that his daughter Baela (In the book this time. Although I remember it, all the other elements mentioned before Baela are also present in the book in addition to being in the series) "described as her father's worthy daughter" is a tomboy-like free spirit, which Daemon doesn't seem to see as a problem at all. Not to mention that she literally slept before the wedding and Daemon didn't see fit to punish his daughter for it, which is what many men of that era would have done.

So... I don't know about you, but all of this information ties in a bit with the idea that Daemon is a deeply misogynistic man. Obviously he particularly likes badass women, and is one of the rare men capable of bowing to his wife and accepting that she has a status infinitely superior to his (being QUEEN) in a society that is justly deeply misogynistic and patriarchal. Which is no mean feat in the world of ASOFAF.

But no, he has to be a misogynist for insulting Alicent Hightower, (Joke, this woman literally deserves all the worst insults possible and imaginable. I should also point out that as much as Daemon insults Alicent in the series, it doesn't seem to be the case in the book, where it is described that Daemon actually treated Alicent with all the courtesy due to her as a queen, even if he clearly hated her) and Rhea Royce, a woman he hates (and who hates him with reciprocity) and who he was, I recall, forced to marry at the age of 16. A woman he avoids like the plague, letting her live her life, and whose marriage he has tirelessly tried to annul. (In the book, Daemon didn't kill Rhea Royce. So, he completely left her alone. And even if he did kill her in the show, that doesn't make him a misogynist, that has nothing to do with it. Also, the fact that Daemon killed Rhea Royce as a last resort - and I emphasize "as a last resort", because if Daemon really wanted to kill Rhea Royce, he would have done it years ago - so he could finally marry someone wanted, that doesn't take away from the fact that he spent most of their marriage away from her, leaving her to do whatever she wants)

But obviously these two examples are enough to prove that Daemon is deeply misogynistic man, as if men or women, we ourselves had not already insulted people we hated, regardless of their sex, especially bitch or whore, as if it were not classic insults used often...

[fappellmoan]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

[briamichellewrites]

11

Bria had an idea for a music video. She hadn’t even started working on the song yet. Joe asked her what it was. They were hanging out with Mike, Rob and Topher in the living room. Rob brought Mowgli with him, so he could play with Micha. They watched as the kittens sniffed each other out. Mowgli was unsure, so Micha extended his paw to him as a sign of wanting to be friends. Topher was introduced to her friends. He had the same personality as his character, Eric Foreman. They were enjoying hanging out with him. What was her idea?

She could do a music video with Mike as her boyfriend. He thought that was a good idea. Their parents would love it! Topher asked them how they knew each other. They used to be neighbours, so they grew up together. He was four years older but they had playdates with his younger brother. His mother also used to babysit her.

They remained close friends over the years. It was a joke how their parents wanted them to get married. Mowgli pounced on Micha. Hey! I’m cleaning myself! He swung his paw at him. Haha. You missed me! Joe noted they acted like brothers. They laughed. Joe had two older sisters while Topher had a younger sister named, Jennifer. Bria was an only child. Rob had a younger brother who was the same age as Bria. Mike had her share her good news. He was anxiously awaiting Rob’s reaction to her being able to eat meat. He jokingly called her a traitor with a straight face. Like Joe, he had a dry sense of humour.

“You will have to tell Brad and see what he says.”

“I will. You guys are the first Jewish vegans I’ve ever met.”

“I’m Jewish but I’m a vegetarian”, Topher said.

“You’re not a traitor, then. Good for you.”

They laughed. Topher was a cool guy. He had the same dry sense of humour as Joe and Rob. They would definitely hang out with him again. He was a year younger than them since he was born in 1978 but three years older than Bria. Rob joked about not being the youngest anymore. When was he born? 1979. He was a classmate and friend of Mike’s younger brother, Jason. That was how they knew each other. He, Mike and Joe had a band with three other guys. They were trying to get signed to a record deal. What was the name of their band? Xero. X-e-r-o. Joe asked Bria for her opinion on the name. She liked it. At the same time, she would consider other names.

“You’re being too considerate of our feelings. Give us brutal honesty”, Mike said.

“I don’t see very many people going to see a band called, Xero. You guys need a name like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles that lasts forever. Your fans will introduce your music to their children. They will grow up listening to it. Linkin Park. That name literally just popped into my head.”

How would they spell that? L-i-n-k-i-n. Park. Topher agreed that sounded like a very cool name. He would be first in line to see a band called, Linkin Park. They would talk to Dave, Brad and Chester about it. Joe called her a genius. She joked about being fucking awesome! It was how she won her Grammys. Meow. Rob picked Mowgli up. He looked at the humans and said hello. How was being a cat dad? It was wonderful, especially when he woke him up at six in the morning. They laughed. Micha did that too. He sat outside her door begging for food.

She was trying to enjoy every minute because he would grow up to be an asshole. Joe jokingly asked her if he could have his roommate back. Mike laughed.

“I’ll fight you for him”, she joked back.

“Careful. Joe’s secretly a ninja”, Mike said with a smile.

“Fuck you. You said you were a vampire.”

“I’m a vampire ninja.”

“Bitch.”

The guys laughed. Meow. The cats both decided they were hungry, so they meowed for food. Everyone went into the kitchen. She got out a plate for Mowgli to use before dishing up food for him and Micha. Rob thanked her for doing that. Yeah. She didn’t want him to go hungry. Her phone went off in her pocket. It was her father wondering if Mike left his jacket at their house. Yes, he did. He thought he was missing something. Since he and Christina were on their way home, they were going to stop by and drop it off. Awesome. They were just hanging out.

When they got to the house, they were introduced to Rob, Joe and Topher. It was nice to meet them. Have they eaten dinner yet? No, they hadn’t. He offered to take them to Noe. It was an Asian restaurant he and Christina wanted to try. Yeah, they thanked them. Bria asked to have a few minutes to get her stuff. Yeah, they would wait for her. While she went upstairs to her room, they engaged the boys in conversation.

Rob and Joe were friends of Mike’s while Topher met Bria on the set of That 70’s Show. Who was his character? He was Eric Foreman. Jasper watched that show during his lunch breaks. He appreciated Red’s brutal honesty. He thanked him for watching the show. Christina asked about the extra kitten since she thought Bria only adopted one. Rob spoke up. The other one was his.

“Oh, yeah. She mentioned one of her friends adopted a cat. What is his name? It’s something Disney, right? Am I remembering that correctly?”

“Yes, his name is Mowgli from the Jungle Book.”

“That’s right. I get those Disney characters mixed up sometimes. There’s so many and they are always coming out with new ones. “

She came back down after brushing her hair and getting a jacket. Mike thought she looked gorgeous. The way the fluorescent light shined on her made her more beautiful than ever. She was the type who would look beautiful wearing a garbage bag. The other guys noticed it, too. She was the most beautiful woman in the room.

She had one of her expensive handbags with her. They talked about the car situation. Both cars had five seats. They decided to have three in one car and four in the other. Christina made sure she knew how to get there. Yes, she did. They would meet them there, then. Topher rode with Mike and Rob while Joe went with Jasper and Christina. Should they be worried about Joe riding with her parents? She thought her father would get a kick out of his sense of humour.

They would find things to talk about. After getting in, she put in a CD. Shania Twain. It was either that or the Spice Girls. Shania Twain was perfect. They were not going to complain about that. Jasper did have fun talking with Joe. He was a good kid. That was his first impression of him. They listened to U2 on the way to the restaurant. The sun was starting to go down. It was the perfect evening. Jasper and Christina were eager to meet Bria and Mike’s friends. When they got to Noe, they found a parking spot and got out. They were the first ones there, so they went inside to get a table.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

The Witching Hour: Part 1

[ Part 2 ]

Originally part of the Calaveras, Elias Navarez saw 8 year old Evelia Torres about to die in a witch burning. He killed everyone who was part of it and then adopted her, defecting from the Calaveras and started his own hunting organization. Originally just Calaveras defectors, the group grows to include other hunters, supernatural creatures, and even some ordinary humans, and the group grows into a family.

(extra special thank you to @cecexwrites and @ginevrastilinski-ocs for helping me figure out wtf I was doing with this idea)

(Also there will probably be more ocs bc I still have ideas and need to build more of the family but this is it for now)

Acacia Summers [ Kiernan Shipka ] — 16; witch with nature magic, her older sister died around 8 years ago

Aileen Darragh [ Minka Kelly ] – early 20s; banshee, has never met another banshee until she meets Lydia

Alana Cabello [ Victoria Justice ] – 15/16; werewolf, potential Isaac Lahey ship

Alandra Silva [ Alba Baptista ] – 17; human, priestess to Apollo. Either recently rescued from a very intense pagan cult or is still with the cult at the start of the story

Alastor Argent [ Curran Walters ] – 15; human, Allison Argent's younger brother, does not support the family business and pays the price

Almira Castro [ Ana De Armas ] – 24; hunter, Darius Castro's younger sister, one of the earliest members of the family

Altea Calloway [ Kathryn Newton ] – 16; hunter

Asher “Ash” Faulkner [ Walker Scobell ] – 12; youngest of the Faulkner siblings

Ashlyn Argent [ Natalia Dyer ] – 15; hunter. Her father was Chris & Kate's middle brother, defected from the Argents to join this group, killed on a hunt but no one knows how he died.

Aven Yukimura [ Ryan Potter ] – 15/~70, unknown species. Noshiko’s son with Corporal Rhys, died at Eichen House when the Nogitsune first attacked. Has been stuck in Eichen House as a spirit until he's accidentally revived by Evelia

Beckett “Beck” Faulkner [ Alan Ritchson ] – 24; hunter, newest deputy at the Beacon Hills Sheriff Department, much older Faulkner brother, left home at 16 but when their parents are killed by the Alpha, he adopts his younger siblings

Carrie Prescott [ Sarah Michelle Gellar ] – 17; hunter, That Bitch™, Jackson & Lydia's bestie

Cassidy Hale [ Conor Leslie ] – 23; werewolf, Derek’s twin sister, lived with he and Laura in New York

Cynthia Ruelle [ Abigail Cowen ] – 15; phoenix

Darius Castro [ Oscar Isaac ] – 45; hunter, Elias' best friend. When Elias defected from the Calaveras, Darius followed him without question and the two started the new hunter family

Della Pemberton [ Candice King ] – 18/unknown, vampire. One of the two last survivors of a vampire coven that was slaughtered by hunters and now they’re in Beacon Hills, they chose it because there was no supernatural life left there so they’d be safe, but only a month or two after they moved, everything started up and now they’re the first suspects for killing Laura

Elias Navarez [ Pedro Pascal ] – 47, hunter. Founder of the family, Evelia's adoptive father, chooses to hunt monsters, not supernatural creatures.

Elijah Hayes [ Brenton Thwaites] – 23; hunter.

[naayewolf]

“Cuddles” A Mitsuri x Fem!reader [Fluff]

TW: Boob hugs, mild suggestive content, one bed senario Summary: You go to the love hashira’s home for a sleepover.  You’ve been Mitsuri’s Best friend for YEARS. It’s a sleepover with Shinobu, Giyuu, Rengoku, Tengen, And of course Obanai + Gyomei. Notes: Ok so I absolutely LOVED this idea when I 1st thought it. Mitsuri is just- !!Asfgqwersdtfg!! Also some notes about the context of the sleepover.  The idea of truth or truth is a game me and my friends play Irl I don’t Ship Tengen x Giyuu, it’s just for the plot, plus I LOVED the idea of Tengen getting shitfaced and being a flirt towards the other male Hashira Muichiro/ Sanemi are out on missions Gyomei is a lightweight despite being the HULK Ik that some people like to think that Rengoku wouldn’t drink because of his father, but for the sake of the plot and my “sanity” he does drink with the rest  For future references, my ships for the Kny Fandom are:  Giyuu x Tanjiro  Giyuu x Shinobu Mitsuri x Obanai  Inosuke x Tanjiro  Nezuko x Zenitsu Tanjiro x Kanoe  For serious reasons, I am a Multishipper, and I don’t ship anyone that I don’t think have any Canonical backup [Most times]

You and Mitsuri had been friends since you were little. And even though you are both 18 now she hasn’t changed from her childish self.  She’s insisted that you have a sleepover at her place with some of the other hashira since you're all free from missions for the meantime.

You arrive at The love estate with a small travel bag on your back. You're actually not sure about this. You open the invitation Mitsuri sent you through your crows. 

Heyyy (Y/n)! This weekend is our free day. So I talked to the other Hashira and we’re all having a sleepover at my estate! I know you're not a Hashira, but we’d love to have you! Uzui loved meeting you last time, so I’m sure he and Rengoku would Love to have you! Shinobu even convinced Tomioka-san to come! 

There's going to be Snacks, Sake, games, and lots of fun! I hope you’ll attend,

                                                     -    Kanroji Mitsuri

You sigh, running one hand through your hair and using the other to ring the bell. You met with Giyuu at the door with Kocho on his back. They have party hats on and Giyuu has a lipstick mark on his left cheek. You knew that the Hashira partied hard, but that lipstick mark is a different color from Kocho’s … 

This is exactly why you showed up an hour late. Mitsuri meets you guys at the door and squeals with excitement at the sight of you. “Come in! You’ll have to forgive Giyuu’s state.” You tell her it’s fine before entering and sitting on her couch. Gyomei is long abandoned, being a lightweight and has passed out on the loveseat. His face has frosting and paint across it in the shape of a mustache.

You watch Uzui run out in an obvious drunken state and smash a Sake bottle on the floor before yelling “Alright bitches it’s time to play a Game!” You snort out laughter recognizing the lipstick from Giyuu’s cheek on Tengen’s lips. Obanai yells in protest as everyone gathers around in a circle, each person getting a separate Sake bottle. 

You all start playing a game of truth or truth with the punishment of lying or passing a question to take a chug of Sake. Mitsuri goes 1st being the youngest. “Uzui, 1 or 2” Tengen picks 2 with confidence. “Uzui, have you ever done ‘it’ with a man?” There’s collective “OH SNAPS'' and “Oh we're getting right into it.” Uzui not wanting to lose so soon grabs Giyuu from across the circle and slurs out a “Hell yeah I have.” 

Giyuu immediately turns beet red and shoves himself out of Uzui’s lap. “No we haven’t, take a drink.” He grumbles obscenities before taking half the bottle down with one chug.  

You all go through the line before you and Mitsuri are the only ‘Sober’ faces at the estate. Mitsuri and Rengoku help all of the Hashira to their selective couches. You watch Giyuu roll over and hug himself into Kocho’s small figure. You chuckle, they look like a wolf hugging a kitten. Rengoku has one arm/leg over the couch, one arm under him, and the other leg hanging off the couch onto Tengen’s face.

Obanai is on the loveseat laying across Gyomei’s lap. You giggle a little, standing with a wobble. Mitsuri lets Rengoku find his spot on the floor before making her way back to you. “C’mon I have a spot in my room for you, I figured you wouldn’t want to sleep in a room full of drunken strangers.” You take a moment to LOVE Mitsuri for that thought before getting up to follow her to her room. 

The second you put your travel bag down she turns to you and asks “Didn’t you bring a futon?” You begin to panic, turning back to her. She seems to read your expression and find the answer. “You didn’t.” She Thinks for a second before squealing out and then, realizing the others, she lowers her voice. 

“You can sleep in my bed! Remember when we used to cuddle together as kids?” You calm down, smiling at her softly. You do remember, the two of you used to have slumber parties back in your village and the two of you would sleep in the same futon like tiny kids. Hell, you two even took baths together at one point before you two were too old. Maybe growing up with her is the reason you have no interest in men.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” you let out a soft hum moving to slide onto her pink and maroon bed. She moves in beside you turning so you two face the same way. In her moving to face you, and you moving to get closer, you end up face first into her cleavage. You freeze there for what feels like forever before falling to put your face in her pillow. You let out a scream into the pillow. Curse Mitsuri and her boob window obsession. 

“I’m so sorry!” Mitsuri whisper-yells to you. You look up bright red and tell her it’s fine. She moves in closer and you two lay on your backs looking at her glow hearts on the ceiling. 

You look up before pointing up at them ”You get them from the West?” She hums a yes moving her head to look at you “How do they glow?” You’ve only ever seen Glow Bugs glow before. This new technology was strange to you. She smiles a toothy grin and laughs lightly.

“They glow because of some kind of chemical from the sea. I could buy you some, they come in all kinds of shapes.” You shake your head no before letting your thoughts wander to the party earlier. You laugh a stuttered laugh turning your head her way.

“Where the hell did Tengen even get the lipstick from?” She laughs for a second before thinking and then laughing again.

“I don’t even Know, I don’t own Makeup and Shinobu-san didn’t bring any.” You let a thought wash over you earning a laugh. 

“What if it’s his?” Mitsuri busts out laughing. “I’m serious! What if he secretly uses it on himself around his wives?” With that Mitsuri laughs out harder. 

“Kinda fruity.” With that statement, you're both holding your sides from the pain of laughing so hard. Soon the laughter dies down and you're just staring at each other. You're the one to make the first move.

“Suri, can we cuddle? Like- How we did when we were little?” The question dusts your cheeks red and baffles Mitsuri. She does appreciate the nickname though. 

“(Y/n) you don’t even have to ask, C’mere!” She pulls you in making cuddle noises. You roll your eyes at her childish antics before snuggling into her hair. You reach up tugging the braids out carefully to let her pink and green hair fall free. Her hair always smells like cherry trees and apple cakes. 

She loves this, you're a bit shorter than her so she’s wanted to cuddle with you like this for a while now. She lets the sake control her for a second and reaches down to place a kiss on your cheek. You shoot up redder than you’ve ever been.

Mitsuri lets you look at her in bewilderment for a sec before realizing what she did and turning the same hue. “Wah! I’m so sor-” You reach up and plant a kiss on her lips. You don’t even let her reply before burying your face in her hair again, taking a deep breath of cherries. 

 “O-Oh .. Well I guess now we’re even ..” She hugs you closer, placing her chin on your head. She smiles closing her eyes ``Goodnight (Y/n), we’ll talk about this in the morning.” She pulls a pink blanket over you both and hugs you in her arms, gently lulling each of you to sleep. 

Endnotes: The idea of truth or truth is a game me and my friends play. We all sit in a circle and all partie would usually write their truth questions on cards and separate them into 2 piles. The 1st person to go picks a card from each deck, assigns a number to each one, and asks the player of their choice to pick a number. The player then has to answer the question with complete honesty and if anyone calls them out on a lie they have to chug a bottle of alcohol [Or soda if your underage] the game continues until [the cards are shuffled and put back unless you want to write new questions] a player has run out of drink or you decide to stop playing. 

[cheese-the-potato]

Just a Brain Thought

So I have a crew of dnd characters who i have had for a couple years, and when I'm not playing them in a dnd campaign, i imagine them just living kinda normal-ish lives. And their all part of this big found family. So these are bit of how i see them in the context of the modern day. The order is oldest to youngest.

(I do not own the gifs used in the head canons)

Cabal is the dad, who is laid back and chill until you get on his last nerve, he's probably ex military (probably retired).

He also Aro/ace and isn't interested in dating no matter how much the local busy body pushes or tries to convince him that his kids need a mother figure.

He is the optime of a human teddy bear to the people he cares about. He tends to stare people down when they get on his nerves (the glare is deadly especially with his pack of kids that have his back).

Definitely drinks his strong black coffee to wake his brain up in the morning (Don't get between him and his coffee if you want to live).

He's make sure his kids are cared for, has definitely has had to comfort all of them after nightmares.

He does apologize when he has done wrong, because he holds himself accountable (a trait he tries to teach all of his kids).

Has had to hold back Jarek from stabbing (He and Neptus are probably the only one physically capable of doing so).

Mans is probably not as ripped as he was when he was young and in the military, but he still sculpted.

Gif that fits his vibe:

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Neptus is the brother who taught the rest to swim, he helped a couple of his siblings with their fear of water (cough...cough... Grimm and Orion).

He seems like a bumbling idiot jock but he is actually quite smart, he is affectionally a himbo

He is like cabal in the aspect of human teddy bear (He loves giving hugs), and he gives those kinda hugs that wraps you a comforting warmth.

His torso is shaped like a tortilla chip due to how much he swims (he got really confused when some referred to his torso as tortilla chip for the first time).

Tend to stare off into space at random, usually has to be brought back to reality by one of the others.

Loves going to the aquarium, but also gets into a staring contest with one of the fish (no one not even him understands why he did that).

Also loves when his siblings reads to him, as he struggles with doing so himself and also he enjoys the energy his sibling put into reading their favorite books to him.

Gif that fits his vibe:

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Jarek is the punk older brother who enjoys watching slasher movies, and plays drum.

Probably has a tramp stamp tattoo because he thought the idea of it was funny, and he rocks it.

Has one his siblings or his dad (whoever's closest) to help him cut his hair.

He also looks unapproachable (resting bitch face) but when you really get to know him, he's actually a goofball and cuddle bug.

Definitely dyes streaks in his hair (probably has had the raccoon stripe phase), along with helping whoever's currently dying their hair in the house.

Was one of the first that Cabal adopted, he was bounced around different homes because they didn't know how to deal with his trauma nor wanted to do that much work to get him help, he wasn't very friendly to start but with enough time patience and love he came out his shell.

Don't threaten his siblings if you want to walk away with no injuries. His hand has meet many a face of some creep who was harassing his siblings.

Overprotective of his family, will shank your eyes out if insult his family. He's also threatened multiple of his sibling significant others (you know the "they are to be back by {insert specific time}," kinda of way)

Gif that fits his vibe:

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Eve is the chaotic middle-ish sibling who fears nothing and will happily do dumb shit just cuz they can.

They will randomly start belting out any song that crosses their mind (fucking well may i add), they also tend to be the go to person for road trip playlist cuz they know everyone's favorite songs.

Dresses like a chaotic forest nymph (with a little Klaus Hargreeves in season 1 of Umbrella Academy) and has a couple pet snakes that are named: Pollux, Nymeria, Troy, and Jeff (which are little cuddle bugs that love them and their sisters).

Randomly wanders into the woods behind the house and starts dancing (in dnd they are a child of Dionysus due to the campaign they were created for needing demigod characters)

They are a massive stoner, they and Aziraphale will have smoke sessions on the front porch so they don't stink up the whole house.

Tends to dissociate when they get overly stressed out, their siblings and dad have all picked up on the signs (they do their best to bring them back to reality).

Sleeps like a rock and is near impossible to wake up.

Loves randomly pulling their sibling into a dance randomly, usually in the kitchen.

Gif that fits their vibe:

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Aziraphale is relaxed usually but also tends to panic the most when it comes to his family getting hurt or there be an emergency.

He's the fruitiest of them all, he is flaming gay.

Tend to smoke that good 4-20 and then some gardening (he's got a natural green thumb being a druid)

He makes sure that the flower boxes are well taken care of, along with having a large garden that him and Eve take care of.

Loves making fruit meads, and has the bottom shelf stocked with homemade mead (Precisely labeled and stating their alcohol content).

Enjoys finding a sun spots to nap in along with any cats that happen to find him.

Makes jams and preserves so they have them for the winter, and because he knows his family like Peanut butter & Jelly sandwiches.

His bedroom looks like a greenhouse, just covered wall to wall in plants (Probably also propagates them as well).

Tends to give the side eye really well when he can tell someone is lying, and goes "That's as believable as a pig growing wings and flying," when its really obvious that their lying.

Gif that fits his vibe:

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Orion is like the live in nurse, anytime someone is sick she goes into mother goose mode (she can make a mean pot of Chicken noodle soup).

She is the one who make sure everyone takes their med and vitamins on time, she is great at time management and organization (she has a whiteboard chart with everyone on and checks them off when they take their meds).

Always has band aids and antiseptic ointment on her, she also knows where every first aid kit is in the house (they have one in every bathroom, in the kitchen, and in any car).

Also is always prepared with pads and other menstrual for her and Grimm, along with pain meds (Ibuprofen, Midol, Tylenol, etc).

Loves to drink a good cup of tea in the morning, and tends to love honey in it ("sugar makes it taste weird," is her explanation to why).

Tends to wear clothes that cover her scars (She was abused and abandoned in her original lore so that probably crosses over into the modern era) and really doesn't like talking about them (shuts down and can't talk).

Her room is really comfy and warm, so sometimes her sibling will come to her when their dad isn't home.

When she gets mad everyone steps out of her way and does their best not to make it worse (she is normal calm and hard to anger).

She is certified short (5ft 3in) and tends to climb on shit to get to the top shelf.

Gif that fits her vibe:

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Lucian is like Eve in the sense he's a goofball.

Does gymnastics along with being really flexible, always makes sure he does his morning stretches.

Cabal is not sure how much trauma he's been through due to Lucian having amnesia, the caseworker assigned to Lucian as a child pieced together his parent where probably killed in front of him and that might have been too much causing him to have amnesia (every thing before he ended up in the system is a blur and causes him to get emotional if its brought up).

He loves dressing up as a jester for Halloween (he's really good at making his own costumes) because he enjoys preforming aerial tricks to make kids laugh and smile before giving them candy during trick or treat.

His room is very much chaotic and colorful, as it brings his inner child some joy.

He has a very strong sweet tooth, and loves specifically chocolate but if you give him strawberry ice-cream you will become his best friend.

Loves going to the local carnival or county fair, and always ends up getting an elephant ear to share.

His favorite gift he's ever been given was when Grimm started living in the house, she made and gifted him a little jester doll.

Gif that fits his vibe:

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Grimm is the baby of the family (she also the most recent addition to the pack but she has been fully accepted by all them)

She has big scary dog privileges, and is usually over protected by her siblings.

Enjoys vulture culture, and has gotten really good at rearticulating skeletons, also has probably made Eve bone earrings that they wear almost constantly.

Tends to doodle when she has nothing better to do, and it tends to be very descript monsters (she love monster movies)

Also loves old slasher movies (like old Halloween, Friday the 13th, and nightmare on elm street) and bad creature features.

Struggles with nightmares, and has woken up more times that she can remember.

Has pictures of her parents that she sometimes ask to questions to, even though she knows they can't answer her, and every year on the day of her parents death she lights 2 candles to represent her parents.

Spends a lot of her time reading or studying or collecting bones when she is not at school (she's 16).

Gif that fits her vibe:

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Apologies for any typos and if I seem like I'm rambling.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JUNE 29, 1995 Tom wanted to screw me yesterday, but I told him I could only handle oral right now, so that’s all we did. I told him why intercourse was getting more and more awkward for me. Also, that oral should be for me, my doing him by hand for him, and screwing for us. Meanwhile, although he said he agreed, I feel screwing’s only for me. We talked about it last night, but who knows what we’re gonna do?

This morning he apologized for saying mean things to me last night.

What mean things? I don’t remember him saying mean things.

I respect his belief that our sex life will continue to improve and that we can have a kid, but I don’t think he’s too happy with what I feel. He knows he and I can’t change what I feel, though. He wishes I would have the “you never know” attitude and not blame either one of us or be dead set in my mind that we can’t have a kid. I agree that it’s best for me not to blame either one of us, but I can’t make myself believe it’s possible. The only way I could believe it was possible would be if he came regularly and I still wasn’t getting pregnant.

Later…

Besides typing this up, I’ve got to get on with my 5th storybook which will be in journal 91. I began next week’s letter to my parents, but not Kim and Tammy’s yet.

Tammy and I were teasing each other yesterday over the phone. We each said we were bitches in the past and Tammy reminded me of how when she and Larry would feed me, I’d eat so slow that they’d eat my food.

Each of us had our own reason for why we had it the worst. I had it the worst cuz I was the youngest and got sent away, as far as I’m concerned. Tammy felt she had it the worst cuz of Larry kicking her around, which is an unpleasant memory for me.

Then sarcastically she goes, “And of course, you were so cute.”

As far as I remember, I was a chubby geek who was stupid throughout most of my childhood. I was always jealous of others cuz they were smarter than me, prettier, or had the kinds of parents I wished I’d had.

I’m not perfect, but nowadays I can say differently after years of hard work. I feel I’m smart and not too bad looking. I think most of us get smarter and better looking with age. I just never thought I’d know as much as I do or hold my weight steadily at or near 100 pounds for nearly 10 years.

Tammy and Tom were talking while I was still in the shower. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday. She told him she was trying to shoot a fox with a shotgun that kept going after their chickens. That oughta be a funny sight to see.

Later…

Andy left a message saying to wait till he tells me all about a feeling he had that came true. Oh, how I hope to hell it’s not something like him having a feeling that Bug would give my name to that pig, then she did. I will fucking kill her if she does, I swear! Anyway, he’ll call me when he gets up.

Later…

Andy should be calling anytime now. I only hope he doesn’t have horrible news for me. He told me in his message last night how he accidentally recorded over some classic scenes from his soaps.

I told him I have a theory or an idea. It sounds bizarre and doubtful that may be only wishful thinking, but instead of God having us go to court, maybe He’ll do something else. Maybe his accidental recording over that tape will be his punishment cuz God knows we sure as hell ain’t gonna do this again. For me, maybe it’ll be not ever having a kid, but that’s not in my cards anyway. We’ll just have to see.

I’m up to April 20th of my typing up this book. I did the dishes and went for a dip in the pool. As hot as it is, I’m gonna cook us pork chops, mashed potatoes, and maybe even butter noodles. I meant to say I’ll cook us baked potatoes. I think I’ll go read and do some word seek puzzles. Tomorrow my library book needs to be renewed.

Later…

I wish Andy would hurry up and call. I’ve been racking my brain trying it figure out what the hell he could be talking about, but haven’t been able to think of it. I suppose it could have something to do with the calls cuz he wouldn’t leave it on the machine for Tom to possibly hear. Maybe there was trouble at work for him, who knows?

When I suggested praying since it works for him, he said that God wants us to take responsibility for our faults. Although, I did pray to Him over the bogus threats the cop said we made. I know I’m not guilty of that, I told Him. The pig could be bluffing, though.

He told me he didn’t have a good vibe or a bad vibe. He said he had an unsure vibe. I sure as hell don’t know what to think or what I feel. It obviously isn’t gonna just go away, so I hope to hell it can be worked out somehow and that my name keeps the hell out of it. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s Bug that we just can never be too sure about, but if she goes back on her word to me about not mentioning my name, she will be very, very sorry. And I’m not gonna warn her of this promise, either. I’m just gonna pounce on her by surprise in whatever way I see fit if need be. I only hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I’m so bored out of my mind now, so I guess I’ll go listen to some old tapes of conversations.

Later…

Well, Andy’s not up yet cuz I just called his VM and he hasn’t gotten my message yet. I’ll just keep waiting, but once again, I hope he calls before Tom gets home.

I think I’ll listen to the tapes another time. It’d be hard to hear with all the fans we’ve got on. The one in my room is noisy and the fan on the stand in the living room is semi-noisy, but the ceiling fans in the living room and back room are pretty quiet. Tom says that as soon as that big incentive check comes, we can check out a better AC system. That’d be nice cuz once it gets over 105º the EC is useless. Over the last few days, we couldn’t keep this place under 82º, but it’s better than the winter and the pool temp’s great. The AC we have isn’t efficient, as I’ve said before. When the monsoons come in August when it’s more humid, a million ECs would do us no good.

Later…

Andy called a few hours ago saying he and Bug haven’t heard anything from the pig.

What his feeling was all about was that last night he sensed pigs nearby. Later his neighbor told him they were called to a domestic dispute next door. He said thank God they didn’t knock on his door cuz he was smoking a joint.

I’m gonna tape his soaps for tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what’s wrong with his VCR, but his friend Pam lent him a VCR that he was having trouble hooking up.

Tomorrow morning we’re gonna bomb. We’ll go through a drive-through, then to his parent’s house.

Tom got in around 2:30, then we went swimming and we just finished eating. I made pork chops and baked potatoes.

Later…

Well, well. We actually screwed. Believe it or not, I didn’t cum either, but it was awesome. The variety of his movements with his hands as well as his dick was pretty amazing. I think the only reason I didn’t cum was due to the heat and the moisture. Moisture makes his job easier, but my hand slips off my clit. Plus, I wanted to hurry up so he wouldn’t die.

I wish my hummingbird would hurry up and arrive. That’s the clit vibrator. Sometime after the first it will, I guess.

Now knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid has got me thinking more about my singing. Due to my being dumb enough to let myself get caught up in something that could never happen, I’ve neglected my music. If only always just for fun, I’ve wasted time crying over the impossible when I could’ve been creating music.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28, 1995 Tom’s 38 today and has found all his notes and his card. He’ll be home anywhere between noon - 5 PM today.

Unfortunately, he has an ear infection. I’ve been treating it with alcohol and peroxide, so hopefully that’ll cure it.

He’s been dismissed from jury duty, too.

I saw Gloria on Oprah. She sang well but does look awful chunky. Her baby’s cute, though, whereas most babies are ugly. Nayib’s taller than her now.

Andy finally got his 70s CD. I have some uncool news concerning him, but I’ll get to it after I check out a movie I taped.

Also, a cool talk I had with Lisa. Tammy asked why I didn’t tell her today was Tom’s birthday. I could’ve sworn I did in a letter.

Later…

Well, I’ve got two signs telling me I may be ovulating. I have quick, faint cramps and my temperature’s up. Well, it doesn’t do me much good anyway, with a guy who will never cum, does it? He can say he wants a kid a million times a day, but what do I say? He never really wanted it that bad. When and if he does - he’ll cum. You only ovulate for 1-3 days, so by the time we do get around to having sex, it’ll be too late. Plus, I still don’t know if it’ll be that easy for me to screw when I know that all that’s going through his mind is, don’t cum. Just take care of her. He’s even said how he’s easy, so why doesn’t he just have me stroke him by hand and go down on me?

I told him last night that I can see myself dancing from November - February. It seems logical. He said he disagrees and that there’ll be things going on here. Yeah, right. We both know nothing more will be going on here than what already does. Believe me, though. I’m busy enough with all my hobbies.

Yesterday I finished typing up the last journal! It took me a little over a year from 4/13/1994 - 6/27/1995. It would have been just under a year if I had not typed up my story journals and 69 with my people write-ups which I hadn’t planned to do originally.

My second word-seek magazine came yesterday.

Later…

Here’s my not-so-cool news concerning Andy. About a couple of weeks ago, he waited on a couple of young girls at work. One or both of them had a stepmother who they say’s a real bitch and was milking their dad’s money who had just died. The girls are from Florida and the stepmother lives in Sun City. Andy offered to call and say weird stuff to the stepmother and the girls were like, “Oh, could you?!” So on the night of June 7th, I believe it was, Andy called me and said he just called there once. Then he called twice more and we both said weird stuff. Nothing threatening or sexual, cuz we haven’t done that shit since around 1988. He did most of the talking and I might have read a few lines from journals. I know I said something like - The green leprechaun jumped off of my box of Lucky Charms and started singing to me.

So anyway, Andy called me saying he got a message to call a detective in Sun City and he called with me on the line listening. Andy did fine, except for being too slow in answering questions, not insisting it was a friend of Diana’s, and asking if his voice was heard on a tape of the conversation that the detective claims he has which is bullshit. I know it couldn’t have been taped cuz of the way he was reading our quotes from a report form and also cuz half of it was bullshit. We never said we’d burn the place down, or knew what the woman was wearing that day, and a few other things. The woman in Sun City must’ve thrown in a few lies and exaggerations.

When Andy asked if his voice was the one he heard, the pig said he’d have to run it through all this high-tech equipment I know they don’t have and wouldn’t use in a case like this even if he did have it. Also, if he did have a tape, he’d be able to say he recognized Andy’s voice. The pig also said the name of the stepdaughter is Claudia who he thinks is the main culprit in all this and that started the whole thing.

So, the stepmother suspects the stepdaughter, huh? And we never ever mentioned a connection cuz Andy swore he wouldn’t. Andy denied knowing anything about it which is good, and I told him I highly doubt it’d go to court, but if it did, I’d go with him. Also, if he was to be going to court, it’d be subpoena first, questions afterward in court. I doubt he’d be spoken to about it first.

Andy mentioned Diana’s name but said he doubted she would do a thing like that and she didn’t. She was just there in the room. The pig acted as if he knew her and Diana do have a record. The pig sounded like he just wanted to clear it up without it turning into a big deal, but I told him that he and Diana should deny it, even if it did come down to court and to keep my name out of it cuz of my record even if it’s just petty prank calls. Also, never trust a pig.

So, he had me call Diana at work and I filled her in on the scoop. She didn’t seem upset and said there’d be no problem. She’d just deny it and keep my name out of it.

When I got up at 5:00 this morning there was a message from Andy which he left at around 9:00 last night for me to call him ASAP. He had already gone to sleep, but I listened to his messages. There was one from Bug saying she was upset with him, I called her and so did a detective, and why did her name have to get dragged into it at all? Who knows why she was upset but I sure hope to hell my name didn’t get into it as she promised. I don’t know if I can trust her, although Andy says I can. I’ll have to see that for myself.

Although the calls were traced to Andy’s phone with *57, I told him this morning on his machine that if the pig calls back to say, “Look. Either charge me or drop it. I won’t say anything to you at all without a court-appointed attorney, so charge me or drop it and I’ll make sure no one gets access to my phone.”

I don’t know what to think about it. I don’t know if my name’s in it or what. Or if he’ll have to go to court. He only made 3 calls 2-3 weeks ago, so I don’t know if they’d charge him. This is Phoenix and not Deerfield, but time will only tell.

Later…

Tom got a birthday package from my parents. It looks like it could be a shirt. We’ll see when he gets home which could be at any time from now until 5 PM. I hope he doesn’t come home before I get to talk to Andy. The last thing I want is for him to be in this and to feel let down. I know how he worries, too. Andy usually sleeps from 5 AM-1 PM.

He still likes living where he is but says his neighbor’s music is still too loud. The guy’s a dealer and in a gang, so I hope it works out for him. This world has such a “hear me!” obsession.

A palm tree’s coming up in the corner of the block wall by the pool. Cool.

I’ll still write about Lisa and other shit later.

Later…

I talked to Andy and Bug and Bug said she was gonna blow off talking to the pig. I told them both never to talk to him again without a lawyer, but Andy called him back.

He said he asked Andy who the woman was singing on his machine, but he wouldn’t give out my name. Then he said the pig said he taped his voice, Bug’s voice, and my singing, is gonna use it to determine who the two voices belong to, will charge both people, he’ll hear from US West, lose his phone, and go to court.

Who the fuck knows for sure if we can really trust Diana who calmly and confidently swore she’d keep my name out of it. Andy still feels it’s all a scare tactic to try to trick him into confessing, and I sure hope so. If he’s willing to charge this second person, then why wasn’t he charged when I got in trouble for calls we made together on my phone back east? And with that asshole Ron in 1986? I told him that I know praying works for him, so he may try praying he doesn’t have to go to court. This pig can’t have us on tape. There’s no way, cuz then the little fuck would know that we did not make any threats. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but I hope Andy and Bug keep their mouths shut. I also happen to know it’s illegal to tape someone without their knowing it. I was charged with it.

Later…

Tom just got home and opened his package. Along with a card and a pretty happy birthday bag, were two flags. A huge American flag and one of a horse the same size as our Noah’s Arc one. It’s nice that they remembered how he loves horses. They remember a lot of things these days, whereas up to a few years ago, they didn’t remember shit. Either that or they just didn’t care.

I hope Andy doesn’t call anymore today. I really don’t want to discuss any more of this phone, Bug, and pig shit anymore right now.

Yesterday’s chat with Lisa was cool. We mainly talked about music. I had no idea I was in her discussions as much. She said she told her music teacher at school that she had a talented aunt who sings and plays the guitar out in Arizona. Well, that’s nice, but I reminded her how much I’ve been slacking off on my guitar.

She said in an unfortunate tone of voice, “I’m the only one in my family who likes to sing.”

I said, “So? I’m the only one in mine who likes to sing, but that’s OK.”

Then she said she was gonna take the $800 she expected to get from her bat mitzvah at age 13 and come out here by herself. Of course, Tammy had no idea about it.

She also told me about school and some trouble she made. She wishes we were closer so we could sing and she hates it there, too. She feels bad for not writing as much, but will now that school’s out. She said Tom has to write to her and she mentioned something about sending songs she wrote. She’s got 4 journals in which she says she sometimes swears in and calls her sisters little brats.

Anyway, I’m sending her all 19 of my songs cuz she says she can’t find any of them.

A little while ago, when I made Tom a hot dog, I jammed a candle into it which wasn’t the easiest thing to do. He was laughing his ass off.

Later…

We went in the pool and the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then Tammy called to wish Tom a happy birthday.

Bill had to go into the hospital again for tests, has chickenpox cuz he’s got no immune system, and Becky was crying like hell. Shockingly and amazingly enough, though, she maintained a sense of humor that she almost never has even when things aren’t going so bad. I’m getting tired so I’ll write about it later or tomorrow.

First though, we still haven’t had sex and I can’t say I’m disappointed about it, either. He did some touching in the pool, but he’s probably waiting till he comes closer to the end of his day when he’ll be more tired to make it easier to keep from cumming. He does that a lot and he probably knows I could be ovulating.

TUESDAY, JUNE 27, 1995 Tom just got up and is eating. He was supposed to go for jury duty today, but it’s been postponed to his birthday, which is tomorrow.

I’m doing something different. Printing out a journal as I type it. The colored paper prints nicely back to back, so I’ve got 20 pages printed out on 10 sheets. It saves room this way and I’ve made the print bigger.

I just wrote Bob’s letter from Chassidy’s “friend.” I disguised my handwriting and will send it to Kim to send to him with no return address. I deliberately changed the way I usually word things. That phone number is a bogus one to confuse him, too. Here’s what I wrote:

To Bob,

I am a friend of Chassidy’s. I am an enemy of yours. I have a story to tell you. There is an ex-boyfriend of mine who is an inmate there and he has the desire to get it on with you! I think he just might do that too when you least expect it! Be ready for it.

I know you’ll never get out of there alive and if you know what’s best for you - you will hope you don’t because we are waiting for you! Don’t bother calling 863-7710 because no one there can help you. The next time you call Chassidy a slut, remember I am currently dating a guard there.

He will take care of you and see to it that my X and you get together!

I would tell you to watch your back - but even that will do you no good. I know you have been convicted of rape & molestation twice before.

I will be seeing you.

Later…

Excuses, excuses! Whether they’re legit or not, is beside the point. The point is - I’m sick of waiting for things. The bee machine, the cigarette machine, etc. Going into business is as big of a joke as the kid is.

MONDAY, JUNE 26, 1995 Things are still going really well around here. We’ve been busy and productive and we’re looking forward to the week.

We haven’t had sex since the 22nd and we both miss that, of course! We’ll be catching up on that. I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made the kid this week?”

Then Tom very seriously replied, “It’s a big possibility. We’ll have the time, so I hope that doesn’t scare you.”

How can something I know won’t and can’t happen scare me?

Later…

Yesterday Tom put up a new ceiling fan we got. It’s white with a globe for one bulb and all 3 speeds work.

Tom’s gonna have a surprise when he comes home Wednesday which is his birthday. I’ll be up that morning before he is, so I’ll sneak a post-it note out to his car that says - Surprise!! Happy Birthday! I Love You!!!!

I’ll put it on his windshield. Then when he comes home I’ll have a note on the garage door that says - look under the clock radio in little room in back. There’ll be a note there saying - look in the microwave. Then - look in the washer. Then - look in the freezer. Then - look in the living room drawer with the lamp. Then - look in the medicine cabinet. Then - look under your pillow. Lastly - look inside the front cover of Journal 94 where there’ll be a birthday note.

I’m also gonna try to stick a candle in two hot dogs for him. Hot dogs are his favorite.

Later…

What shall I make us for dinner tonight? Maybe in half an hour, I’ll throw in some pork chops and tater tots.

We got a total of 9 cards with drawings of women in sexy poses when we got our sex toys. There were two I didn’t really like so I threw them in NPN envelopes.

My clit vibrator hasn’t come yet, but I got my tattoos today. There was a rose/leaves one you use as an ankle bracelet or for the wrist as a bracelet. I’ve got that on my wrist. On my left upper arm, I have a sword with a snake and roses around it. On my right forearm is a red rose, right hand is 3 ladybugs, back has a rainbow/clouds, and my chest has a heart. There’s a rose on one tit and lips on the other. My stomach has a star, my ass says “true love” heart, my groin area has 2 stars, my hip has a butterfly, my thigh has a heart, and lightning bolts are on my ankle.

I have a few more left too. A sword through a heart, 3 small double hearts, a butterfly, a rose, and a yellow carnation. I also have a black widow, but - no thanks. Who’d want to wear that? If not a male, then a druggie, butch, or a hooker, but it isn’t me.

I recorded myself singing The Sweetest Gift twice, then Andy called. I really thought he was gonna crack up, but he loved it and said it was the best ever, except for one note. Yeah, I slipped on a few notes, but at least I know he’s always honest. Before we hung up, he had me sing part of Heatwave on his outgoing message.

SUNDAY, JUNE 25, 1995 Boy, do I ever have a million things to write about! I kind of wish I did write a day or two ago, cuz now I’ll never remember every little thing I wanted to say. I’ll try to remember as much as I can later.

Before I do, though, I got a dismissal notice from jury duty! Great.

I finished part 4 of my story and printed it out.

Today we’re going food shopping, then out to wherever. I gotta do laundry today and we’ll probably go swimming. We may go out to breakfast at a buffet.

My parents and Tammy got the tapes and pictures. They all say I look the same size, and yes, they can see my tan. Cool. Ma says that in future tapes she wants to see more of our faces. They know, though, that this was our first “practice tape” and that we wanted them to see some scenery. They all agree on how beautiful Castles & Coasters is.

Later…

Things have been fine so far, but last Friday was horrible. All we did was argue all morning and I was so fed up and pissed off. Just totally frustrated. Most of the details of what we discussed aren’t fresh in my mind now, but I’ll try to remember whatever I can. It seemed like when we talked, one subject would lead to another and as I was cleared up about one thing, I’d become confused by another.

He tells me that one of the biggest things that keeps him from cumming is our not sleeping together. This is understandable, but then how could he cum with Wendy when they weren’t sleeping together? He didn’t even answer that one. Instead, he got upset that I brought her up. I know exactly why it is. It’s cuz she was on a contraceptive. When I commented on us maybe not getting off on the “wrong foot” sexually if I had been on some kind of contraceptive, he said nothing. His silence about these two things spoke a lot of words and confirmations as far as I was concerned.

We talked about a lot of things I’ve written about, but boy did I get ticked off when he made the comment suggesting that maybe the people I said were bad was an exaggeration on my part. Well, all that matters is that I know who was what. What he doesn’t know or understand won’t hurt him and he couldn’t possibly fully understand, cuz he never walked in my shoes. Yes, Tom’s understood me more than anyone else ever has, including Andy, but it makes me more reluctant to talk to him about personal stuff.

He said that now he doesn’t know how in the world he can get stuff done by July 15th. Meaning, the business, recording stuff, and making any changes in our sex life. This is all just one big excuse to me. If he’s not serious about the business or anything else, then fine. And if I get serious about singing more often, then how do I know I can count on him to do his part when he says he will? I know the way he procrastinates.

He told me Cigna’s got therapists, so anytime I ever want one, I can make an appointment. He said he didn’t want to go with me to one cuz it’d be another commitment. What about the commitment it’d be to take me there and back? He’s embarrassed and has even said so. I’d never see one cuz there’s nothing one could do for me and they would definitely want to see him here and there, too. I know he’s got enough commitments, but how would he deal with the commitment of a kid? I asked him this and he said it was a matter of priorities. I guess so, cuz he’s not one to run away from commitments which he handles better than most of the people I’ve ever known.

He told me that if I understood my fears and doubts about being a singer or having a kid, then they wouldn’t be such depressing issues that control my life. Well, I do understand my fears and doubts very well.

Like with love and attraction, people can’t often control what bothers them. All I can do is try my best to deal with it and remind myself that in time it’ll lessen and not be a big deal. Me knowing I’ll never have a kid is already starting to be easier to deal with. It’s just a slow and long process that doesn’t happen overnight. It took me years to deal with knowing I’d never make it as a singer in the kind of way I wanted to when I was younger. I dealt with the singing, I dealt with the women and other issues. I’ll deal with this one too. I just can’t speed up the process of it. I told Tom too, that someday I’d look back at this day and laugh and be grateful we didn’t have a kid and that things turned out the way they did. Like I said, I do have my fears and doubts and know that there are lots of pros to not having a kid whether I want one or not.

I don’t want to do this, but sometimes I still feel that sex complicates things and that we’d be better off not doing it or just doing oral stuff. I can’t change Tom any more than he can change me. It’s always gonna be his choice to cum or not to cum.

The next day he said he was sorry he made me feel he couldn’t talk to me about personal stuff and that we argued all day. He said he never wants to fight with me and that we can talk about it all weekend. So far we haven’t and I’d rather keep it that way. I don’t want to fight either and I know I’m not perfect either, but I don’t want to go through the same old shit all the time. I don’t want to do anything to stall the process of putting not having a kid behind me in the way that I did with other issues. I’ll always love to sing and I’ll always be attracted to women, but I want to be able to deal with never having a kid the way I’ve come to be able to deal with other issues. I don’t want him or myself leading me on and giving me false hope with July 15th or any other dates.

FRIDAY, JUNE 23, 1995 I could be in a much better mood right now. I’ll have to see Dr. Rauche about the new inhaler. It seems since I’ve taken it I’ve been having a hard/rapid heartbeat, and felt almost panicky and depressed. I don’t know how much of a connection there could be if any at all. I know a lot of it is the game I fear my otherwise loving husband’s playing with me. When his actions don’t fit his words, what can I think or do? Now I find myself anxious for January so I can get a hysterectomy or go on the pill. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when I hardly ever thought of a kid and if I did, it wasn’t such a big deal as it is today. Life has got and could have too many more wonderful and more important things that are possible and practical for me to waste my time dwelling on something I can never have. But how do I deal with it? I can’t turn it off or block it out, so how do I deal with it? They say that without dreams you’re dead. Yeah, well, I’m sick and tired of having too many impossible dreams.

I can’t believe him anymore. I just can’t. I can believe him about anything else, but not when he says I can have it, he wants it too, etc.

Why do I have this sure feeling, though, that we never would’ve started off sexually on the “wrong foot” if I were on some kind of contraceptive all along? I know he didn’t seem to be too thrilled about the kids shutting up next door, but why is he doing this to me? All I can think of is the same things - maybe he really does think it’ll kill me, come between us, I couldn’t handle it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he’d feel left out, etc. There are other things too, that could be going through his mind. Money. How fat it’d make me. I know he’d still love me if I were that fat, but I’m sure he’d prefer me not to be fat and he knows real damn well how I’d feel about it, so there could be a lot of things about it that play on his mind, as well as that play on my mind. I cringe every time I hear my sister’s and plenty of other mothers’ words.

Even I couldn’t cum yesterday. The main thing about it was that I felt hurried cuz he has little stamina. I also feel sex is for me only and that he’s just not into it. He also seems weird after sex. Almost bitter and like he wants to avoid me for a while after. He mentioned my suggestion again about him going down on me first, then he can go in there for a shorter time. Why is sex always so complicated? And more so - how can it be this complicated? I mean, a few hours later, I had no problem taking care of myself.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not God really exists. There have been several things in my life and in this world that make me think He does and He doesn’t. That He’s both good and evil. That He’s all good, but that a devil also exists.

Earlier when my racing heart got me all panicked, I prayed for it to stop. It did. It seems “easy" prayers are answerable, and that while I’ve been blessed with skills, talents, fairly decent looks, improved health and relationships with family and Andy, Arizona and Tom, I fear that God or someone is determined to see that I never become a singer or have a child.

Again I have to ask myself - what if I did have these things? Would I regret it more than anything else? Would I wish for these days back? Would I be sorrier than all hell and feel I’ve made the biggest mistakes ever? I guess I’ll never know, will I? Tom says I hold the key to these dreams. Perhaps I do with the singing. With the kid, he holds the key. What more can I or any other woman do but lie back and spread their legs?

He swears he doesn’t blame me for his so-called “problem.” Well, I sure as hell feel he blames me. What are we gonna do? Blame each other for the rest of our lives? I will always love him, but yes, there’ll always be some resentment on my part. However, I have a feeling that I won’t feel this way when I’m older, or resentful. I think and hope I’ll feel glad things turned out the way they did. After all, it seems it can only work out for the better in the long run.

Later…

Got a letter from Kim which I’ll respond to by Monday. Today, I’ll mail off letters to Tammy and my folks.

I’m not too thrilled with Tom for putting off the cigarette machine and the bee machine, but what else is new? I figured as much, anyway, when he said they’d be done months ago. You see, this is what I don’t get. Initially, I thought he was trying to instill patience into me to make it easier for me to deal with a kid. He also said he hoped I’d get used to the kid’s noise next door cuz he wants a kid, so maybe that’s got him upset. Anyway, now I know he’d like me to be more patient just to make things easier. I hate to say this, though, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being impatient. It shows how much the person wants something. That’s all.

There’s another thing I don’t get. If God wants more people with bad qualities to have a kid, then I wonder why I don’t qualify. I’m impatient, still have somewhat of a temper, and am moody when I have PMS. What’s wrong then? It’s probably cuz I want it whether or not I’d be regretful if I had one. Lord only knows that Andy’s friend’s girlfriend who’s had an abortion cuz she’s only 19 is a dime a dozen.

Something definitely does want to keep the saying, “life isn’t fair” ringing true. I’m not saying it’s unfair all of the time, but it sure is a lot, if not most of the time.

It’s nice to know, though, that some of my “easier prayers” just might be answered.

There’s a good side to Tom’s procrastination. A week or two ago he said he’d read my story within a few weeks. I doubt it. Plus, if he did, he either wouldn’t finish it or wouldn’t finish it until the year 2000. I know him. The good part of it is, it’ll spare me some serious embarrassment. Unless it’s something funny or non-personal, I always keep my writing to myself. Both story writing and journal writing. As sensitive as Tom is, he would totally die if he ever read my journals. Especially stuff on him, even though he knows pretty much everything from journal 1 - this one. For stuff that didn’t concern him, he’d either be bored, cracking up, or quite embarrassed for me.

I mentioned his “slip” to him the other day which he denied and insists I misinterpreted. The part of it that’s kind of funny is that I had written “T-slip” on my journal notepad. Well, I think he may have seen it. However, he knows and understands that it’s my right to write whatever I want in my journals.

Do I think he reads them on the computer while I’m asleep? I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. In fact, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t.

If he wrote a journal that I didn’t know about, would I want to read it if he didn’t know I would? Yes. That’s me, though. We’re two different people.

What would I look for? Any confirmations and stuff like - I’m afraid to cum cuz a baby isn’t what I really want and am afraid to let her down by saying so. I’m also afraid to let her down by telling her I doubt she could handle it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. She smokes, has no patience, can be aggressive and would really bitch all the more about being fat. She’s boring in bed and not all that attractive and we can’t sleep together. I can’t keep up the “so-called problem I have with cumming” game forever. So, I’ll tell her she can have a hysterectomy or go on the pill, cuz I’ll never admit to her that I could’ve cum all along.

I’m sure way more so, though, that I would not read his journal if he had a secret one, cuz I’d have to live with the guilt. I’d also have a hell of a time suppressing my anger, too. It’d be different if he confessed this stuff to me personally. He should’ve upfront. However, I hope he finds the will to someday. Better late than never, regardless of how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish to hell I could find out from Wendy what he’s said about this subject, but I know she’ll tell him. In some subtle ways, he did confess when we first met but obviously decided to go along with me as he saw my desire for a child grow. Before I write the statements I can remember off the top of my head - there’s another thing, though. Several months ago, he claimed I brought him out of his rut with that issue. After one of my surgeries, he said, “Sometimes I’d rather wait 20 years so I don’t have to deal with it.” There’s been other stuff like, “It’s way in the future,” “I don’t know if it’s what I want,” “You’re not going to have a child,” “I don’t see it,” etc.

Later…

I hope Tom gets up soon so we can have “chocolate fun” after he eats and digests. He still hasn’t gone down on me with the chocolate and said he wanted to wait till I’m at the point where I can change sheets after. Good point. It’s gonna be quite messy. We can do it on the comforter, cuz that’s got to be washed today.

I was surprised to hear him say he felt there were no pros to his either cumming or not cumming. Especially when he’s such a “middle” man who tries to stay in the gray area of things and feels things have both pros and cons as I do. I’m surprised he didn’t say the pros to not cumming would be keeping the bed clean and I thought the pro to his cumming was supposed to be a baby?

I’m sure getting it out of my system tonight in print, huh? That’s cuz I’m reluctant to talk to him. I know I can, and most of the time it helps, but I still also feel his telling me I can talk to him is a burden to him.

Yesterday he said something like (I can’t remember his exact words) I like having stuff to be upset about. Yeah, right. If that’s his attitude, I would rather cry in my room alone or in this book.

My not being able to keep a schedule may also give him a “baby block,” but he denies that.

I just don’t know what to do, think, or believe and I probably never will.

Later…

I’ve got so much to say, that it’s so overwhelming. The more I have to say, the more my mind goes blank. I don’t even know where to begin. I hope I remember everything, although I know that remembering some is better than none. This pen could never keep up with my thoughts, so tomorrow I’ll type stuff up after I’m rested and recharged. Can’t say that my typing will be able to keep up with my thoughts, either, but I’ll do my best.

THURSDAY, JUNE 22, 1995 Yesterday Tom was very happy cuz of things falling into place, and they are. His job’s going well and we’ve been getting stuff done. Then he said he thinks I’m gonna be “surprised.”

Tonight he made a suggestion/request of me. He said, “We had a string of not-too-good luck. Things were breaking, there were paperwork problems, and now things are falling into place sooner than I thought they would. A week ago I wouldn’t have believed it would fall into place so soon and I don’t see why our string of good luck can’t continue. You call it compensation. I call it evening things out. I’m not gonna give you any promises that certain things will or won’t happen, but I’ll give you a date of July 15 (Linda’s birthday). Have the attitude that till then, you’ll just let whatever happens to happen without resisting it. Then on July 15 you can prioritize things and decide what’s possible or not.”

I’m not too sure what he means by this, but I said I thought that I was supposed to decide this in January. He said, “No, January’s when you decide whether or not to get a hysterectomy.”

I’m not surprised he worded it: “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy” rather than, “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy if you’re not pregnant by then.”

I think I know what this is all about. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Cum within the next few months? Yeah, right!! I think this is about his “coming out” and in his own way, he’s gonna tell me or show me, “Yes, I was wrong in leading you on. I never meant to cum or for us to have a kid. Not now. Not ever.”

When I see that he doesn’t cum tomorrow morning when we fool around, or ever, and when he “comes out” with it, what am I gonna do? What could I do? With or without him in my life, there’ll always be a part of me that’ll miss having a kid and I’ll always believe there’d have been a great chance I was sterile anyway, but there’s another side of it that’s positive. I love him. Yes, he should have told me outright upfront, but I understand he just didn’t want to hurt me with the truth. Also, this way we can sleep, have lives, and have each other, and much much more.

Later…

I just marked some exercises I did on the activity chart.

Yup, they’re definitely up to something illegal next door. From 9:30 PM-1:30 AM, I heard the guy come and go 4 times. I also thought I heard him loading/unloading whatever a few times. It definitely takes something like tweak for this type of activity and also to sleep only 4-5 hours every night.

With the exception of 85, which I’m currently typing up, I updated my stats. I omitted the minutes this time around cuz I didn’t trust their accuracy. I did the dates they were created, pages words, and characters. I did this several pages down where there were no decals.

Later…

Yesterday morning Tom helped me to arrange my icons in the way I ordered them. Got that done in a jiffy.

Now I’m beginning another task. Along with finishing up my medley, I’m going through the 6 convo tapes I have to edit stuff I may haven’t edited yet. I went through the first one, but not to edit anything yet. The label on which I wrote the contents of the tape, was sort of vague and messy. So, I rewrote a new index label with more specifics. I left Andy a message letting him know my plans and I hope he’ll take my offer. I offered to dub these convo tapes for him. I know there’s plenty of stuff he’ll love and has always enjoyed and it’d be a favor to me, too. Why? Cuz, they could be backups like the backup edit tapes he has. When I get done going through them, I’ll write an index in here of all 6 tapes before I edit stuff.

Although I love our sexual encounters and have no problem getting off, it’s still weird. I expect and am used to it being one-sided, but it’s still weird. Sex is only for me. He expects nothing from it. No orgasms and certainly not a kid. Whether we want a kid or not, I just can’t ever imagine my wanting to always get off by myself only when there’s someone around who I’m attracted to as well as love.

Later…

Just talked to Andy. As soon as he can give me five 90-minute tapes, he will. Great. That means as much to me as it did to him when I taped his soaps. He’ll have plenty of laughs while I have peace of mind. If the master tape were to get eaten, I’d be fucked. I’m not about to lose any more tapes if I can help it. The pigs in S. Deerfield made me lose enough. Also, if I’m gonna have backups, why have them sit around here when I know he could be enjoying them?

He also needs more “funny notes” written up to distribute. No prob. I’ll do it on the computer this time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 1995 Andy may be calling anytime now. I left a message for him to let me know if he can pick me up to see his place.

Tom’s really happy about his job at BOA (Bank of America). He says getting 40 hours a week looks very promising. I always did tell him that I doubted things will result in him needing another part-time job. So right now, he’s at $8 an hour, we still have Cigna benefits, he gets two weeks of vacation a year, and can also buy vacation hours.

He’s got great peace of mind right now and our lives are really back to normal.

Tammy says Bill’s doing better. I guess that explains why I didn’t have a horrible vibe about him.

Tom showed me how to get the file Alex sent of our convo and also how I can set it up the next time we chat. I sent copies of this to Tammy, Kim, Bug and my parents. I think they’ll think it’s pretty neat and Andy will see it too. He reads the letters I send Bug.

Got something in the mail today that I’d forgotten all about. Almost a year ago we sent for info on a Gloria fan club. A form came today, and I ordered a year’s worth for $18.

My second word-search puzzle magazine was due on the 14th. It should arrive anytime soon, but that’s OK. I still have two backups.

I tried rearranging the icons on my desktop but had no luck. I’ll have Tom help me. Now that my world is really growing, I want to group stuff together, like games, etc.

Later…

Here’s what the fan club says I’ll get in my introductory membership kit: A welcome letter from Gloria, a Gloria Estefan biography, a Gloria Estefan 8x10 glossy autographed photograph, and a Gloria Estefan pin exclusive to members. It also goes on to say that after I get this (in 4-6 weeks) I’ll be receiving quarterly newsletters from the fan club keeping me up to date with her career, future projects, and personal life, complete with never before seen photos (I’ll be the judge of that). There will be special contests, chances to win backstage passes, front row tickets, personally autographed items, and jet-away trips to see Gloria around the world. Additional merchandise (such as Gloria Estefan T-shirts, hats, tour jackets, etc.) will be made available to fan club members at discounted rates.

I’d never want the concert tickets. Also, I had to laugh at the personal life update. Does that mean that if she were raped or had a fight with Emilio that we’d get to hear all about that, too?

Later…

I’ve been really slacking off with exercising. Who knows if I’ll ever use the activity chart on the last page of this book? Maybe I’ll find some other creative purpose for it if I don’t. I really should exercise, though. I’ve got all kinds of time to build myself a better body and I won’t ever be pregnant. I’ve got to motivate myself. My mother used to motivate me by calling me a fat pig. I won’t even bother to ask Tom to motivate me by calling me that, cuz there’s no way he would. That is an abusive way to motivate someone.

Later…

Now how could I be so stupid? A half-hour ago I reminded myself that there was a half-hour show I wanted to tape at 11:00, but forgot. Oh well. It wasn’t that important.

I heard the weirdest sound for a few seconds just now. Was it one of the kids next door, or a cat? I think it was a cat, but there is one thing I think more so about next door. I think they very well may be up to something illegal next door what with the way he’s in and out from 7-8 AM to 1-2 AM. They never sleep, so maybe they’re doing and dealing tweak while hiding behind the “American Family” appearance.

Tom said he heard yesterday that Linda Ronstadt’s father, Gilbert, died at age 84 of natural causes. So, I guess Linda’s not only very upset right now but is also in Tucson. Tucson’s about two hours away. About the same distance between Springfield and Boston. Tom said Ronstadt’s Hardware has been gone for eons. Well, it couldn’t have been gone before 1987-1988 cuz I called there.

Boy, my heart sure is racy tonight. Let me go relax for a few minutes before I get into what Tom told me.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20, 1995 The videos are on their way. Also, pictures we took (not to Larry). The transposed one had too much light, so you could see right through me. My “ghostly” picture is cool, though, and I was wrong when I said you could appear twice. You can appear as many times as you want.

I told Tammy about the video, who obviously hadn’t gotten the letter telling her about it yet. I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad, though, but Dad guessed exactly what I thought he’d guess - me singing.

Tammy left a message before I got up. Tom and I talked to her after. Bill’s had a setback. He’s got pneumonia and is in Bakus Hospital. She’ll keep me posted.

Alex and I went to chat live. I had gotten knocked offline. Before I did, though, he was showing me how to print out our convo. I printed the first half of our chat, then he left me a message later. He attached a file of our convo for me to download. I hit the download button, but nothing happened. I’ll have to ask Tom about it. It’s really cool, though, and I wish I had a lot of my phone convos printed out like that. Especially calls we made in Springfield.

MONDAY, JUNE 19, 1995 There’s not a whole heck of a lot going on at the moment. No dogs and no calls or letters from Bob. Got a great Bob game idea. Let me finish making the spag I’m cooking, then I’ll discuss it.

Later…

I finished 84, so only one more left! Next is 85, then this one, etc. I used the pretty colored paper to print it out.

Tomorrow we’ll be sending videos to my parents, Tammy, and Larry. We didn’t get the chance to film us swimming yet, but we will eventually. They’ll see Castles & Coasters, Piggy swimming and sitting in a chair. They’ll see scenery out at Paradise Valley and a house tour.

I swear, though, if I don’t hear from Larry by the end of the summer - fuck it. I’m not gonna bother sending letters. I’ve only sent 3 in the last few months and I haven’t called. I told him I’d let him call me.

I’ll be doing a letter for “Bug” soon. That’s Diana’s nickname. I got another letter from her a few days ago. They’re nice, but I wish she’d mix more reality with her mumbo jumbo and not spray her damn perfume on the letters.

Later…

Yesterday we went to visit Mom and Dad for nearly two hours. Mom and I had an interesting chat while she fixed my halter top.

I sent my “Bob game” idea to Kim in a letter and I’m waiting to hear what she has to say about it. I’ve got two ideas.

Send a letter from a fellow inmate with a crush on him that didn’t quite have the guts yet to tell him to his face.

Send a letter from a friend of Chassidy’s. One not overly threatening, but then again - who cares if I did? He wouldn’t tell the guards and they wouldn’t give a shit or feel sorry for him anyway. The letter would be untraceable with no return address, and I’ve already sent threatening and wacky stuff to him. I’d disguise my handwriting and then send it to Kim to send to him.

Or I could combine the two ideas and say that I’m an unhappy friend of Chassidy’s. Also, I have an ex in there who’s got the hots for him.

Tom’s editing the videos now and taking out boring parts.

Tom slipped again yesterday, and yes, I set him up for it. I said, “We’re gonna have that talk in January,” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

He said with confidence, “Yup.”

I said, “We are for sure.”

He said, “I said we’re gonna discuss it,” then, “Don’t try to manipulate me,” he said in a very annoyed tone as he realized what I did and that I caught him.

I can’t believe my oh-so-perfect-in-every-other-way husband is doing this to me. How can my own husband insist his own wife is trying to manipulate him into allowing them to have a child? And since when is it considered manipulation for a woman to want her husband to allow them the child they agreed to have??? It’s probably jealousy and just something he’d really rather not deal with, no matter how many times a day he tells me otherwise. I didn’t want to admit it or believe it, but I know exactly what’s going on here.

Later…

Gonna be watching a movie in a few minutes, then I’ll be back to update a few things. Here are Tom’s hours first of all, which I’ll also copy into 54. Monday-Tuesday, 8 AM - 4:30 PM. Wednesday, 10 AM - 4 PM. Thursday-Friday, 11 AM - 4 PM.

FRIDAY, JUNE 16, 1995 There’s not much to write about now, other than that the address labels came. That was fast. I didn’t think they’d come till mid-July.

I’m really tired today, cuz yesterday I was up for 20 hours, then barely slept 6-7 hours.

Got a letter from Kim today, as well as an anniversary card from her.

THURSDAY, JUNE 15, 1995 I’ve got lots to write about before I get any more backed up. I’ll try to go in order of events starting with yesterday. First of all, I can’t believe I’ve been married for one year! And with him for nearly two!

Yesterday morning I went to the dentist who told me pretty much what I figured she would. I felt doomed and really bummed out about it. All I could do was cry about it. Everyone has some form and degree of gum disease and I’ve got the beginnings of periodontal disease. My gums are sensitive and a bit inflamed. When I told her I’d love to have dentures she said there’s not one good thing about having them and if I take care of my teeth now I can have them for the rest of my life. She took x-rays and measured my gums and said I should see her 2-3 times for cleaning and fillings. She said if I put it off, I could run into serious trouble in 5-15 years. I do want to get this taken care of and over with, I just hope it won’t cost a fortune and that the bulk of it will be covered. I also need to see an orthodontist and an oral surgeon about the impacted baby tooth and wisdom teeth. Luckily these aren’t as urgent as the other stuff, but they will be eventually. I hope to have all this done and over with within a year. Tom’s gonna be calling to find out what the insurance will cover and then we can set something up.

We called and told my parents and you won’t believe what they told me! They don’t have a date yet, but sometime in the fall they and their bird will be on America’s Funniest Home Videos. They sent them a tape and they got a letter back saying they’d been accepted. Dad said the bird climbs down his throat and sings and laughs, as well as says about 60 words. He says he says stuff like, “Dureen come here.” Then if Ma ignores him he says, “I said, Dureen come here.” He also says, “Heidi,” and “Max, go make a duty,” and sings some song about a chicken going down the road. Well, we’ll be anxiously waiting for it to air and we’ll tape it. I’m sure Andy and Kim will, too.

Tom begins work on Tuesday at Bank of America, so I’ve got to reschedule my appointments with Doctors Rauche and Rugg. It’s only $8 an hour and 32 hours a week, but the hours are more flexible so he can get a second part-time job. Or maybe he’ll end up there 40 hours a week and get raised. It will be 8 AM - 4 PM Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday too, I think. Then, 10 AM - 4 PM on Thursday and 11 AM - 4 PM on Friday.

No obnoxious dog from next door, but I know them. There’ll be another show soon enough. Anything beats the kids, though.

Later…

Kim called yesterday, but before I discuss our funny chat, I’m surprised Andy forgot it was our anniversary today. I had asked him a few times in the last few months when it was and he had remembered, so I’m surprised he didn’t mention anything about it today when he left a message.

I’m a little disappointed Tammy never sent a card or called. I know not all people are good with cards, but I’d have really liked to have added her card to my binder. I’ll stick in the two we got, though (from our parents). It makes me wonder how she’d have been if we had had a kid. Would she call it? Write to it? Send it a birthday card? Well, I won’t ever have to worry about it. That’s for sure.

Tom and I made a deal (even though I’m not stupid and know the outcome). He said let’s not make any decisions until January. Let’s not get me the operation, pill, etc. till and if I’m not pregnant by January. Well, I won’t be pregnant by or after January, so maybe I’ll go on the pill. The pill’s supposed to stop your period or make it occur less often, I guess.

He contradicted himself again today. I was teasing him about an ongoing joke he says I tell a lot. I said something like, “If I’ve told you the story a lot, then tell me what day of the week it happened on.” Then he said, “I don’t remember. I’ve heard it so much that it’s gone so far back in my mind. That’s how it works with me.”

That’s not how he says it works with his not cumming. He says the more he hears about it, the more he can’t put it in the back of his mind where he claims he needs it to be to cum.

Uh-huh. Right.

Speaking of periods - what a weird half-assed one this has been. From the 10th to the 13th I had spotting. The last two days were barely more than spotting and now my pad’s as clear as can be. I charted it from the 13-15, though. My boob soreness isn’t all gone and I sure hope I’m not in pain with it built up or backed up or however you want to put it, before July’s period.

We got our “toys” in the mail which I’ll go through after a smoke.

Later…

The hummingbird, which is a clit vibrator for times Tom’s busy, working, or asleep, and the rose tattoos are out of stock, so they’ll be shipped eventually. We did get the body oils, chocolate Lick It and Love It cream, a porn tape, and 9 cards. The cards were of different women posed in different outfits and positions. I tried to draw a couple but had no luck yet. The free tape (like the cards) was so-so. I stroked Tom as we watched 4 different scenes. The tape was about 40 minutes long. The women did stuff with guys as well as with other women. First there were two women with one guy. Then a woman doing herself. Then two women and two guys, so I guess there were three 20-minute scenes. The chocolate cream is for when Tom goes down on me. The body oils do warm to the touch and they won’t make you shiver when it’s chilly or in the winter or if a cool draft blows on you. You can lick this stuff, too. I haven’t tasted any yet, but I’ve smelled them. I like the blueberry and cherry. The cinnamon is OK, but the tangerine is gross.

Later…

Kim called yesterday evening. She got her first letter from Bob all about my fuck you letter. She read this part where he cries, “I got a letter from Jodi telling me to fuck off and I’m a fucking, selfish geek and she’s right. I am the cause of my own problems and I lose everyone over stupidity.”

Then he claims he wrote on tons of envelopes and can’t always find someone willing to trade it for a plain one. If that’s true it’s cuz who wants corny messages on their envelopes? I got a letter from him yesterday he obviously wrote before my fuck off one hit. He lied to Kim about two things, though. He said my letters were getting farther apart, and that he won’t call me, but as I told her, he tried a few days ago.

She sent the edits which he said he got and liked.

Maybe we can turn Bob into a fun game. I’ll write a letter in handwriting he won’t recognize and send it to Kim to send to him. Maybe I’ll be a secret admirer that’s heard of his case and has seen him. Or maybe an enemy of his, like a friend of Chassidy D, the girl who he’s supposed to have raped. I’ll think about it and talk it over with Kim.

Now for today’s events. We typed each other up anniversary messages, then went to Castles & Coasters. The good part was that we filmed some of their gorgeous scenery. The bad part is that near the end of our course, I got overheated and nearly passed out, so I got some water and then we left.

We went across the street to the Metro Center mall where I found the most awesome bathing suit store I ever saw. We’re definitely gonna go back there, as I chose not to get anything there today. Why? Cuz I would’ve felt bad about getting something for me when this is supposed to be our day, so I wanted to get something for us.

Over at Best Buy, they had an awesome 6-CD changer with dual cassette, etc., but nope. Cuz that’d be only for me.

What we did end up buying for us was a $40 camera which is super nice with nice features. It beats that piece of shit Kim sent me. It’s a 35 mm with a place to put it on a tripod, and a timer so we can take a picture of us all by ourselves. It’s automatic with a transposing feature if that’s the right word for it. It lets you appear twice in one picture. I don’t know if we did it right, but we set it up to make it so I was sitting outside in the lounge and also kneeling beside it all in one picture. Cool, huh? We also got film, a camera case, a photo album, and a device that strips off a copy guard from videos.

Then we came home, went to Red Lobster later, came back, I took a quick dip in the pool, we screwed, and now I’m soooo tired! Bye!

TUESDAY, JUNE 13, 1995 Yesterday was a really shitty day for me. I know that if I had written yesterday I’d have said more things in detail while they were fresh on my mind, but most of the time it’s too hard for me to write or do much of anything when I’m that pissed or upset. Most of it was nothing new and I was PMSing, too.

Some things about Tom and sex are still really damn confusing to me, but whether they are or not, I’ve just got to fucking accept what can and cannot be. He’s absolutely not gonna cum and we’re absolutely not gonna have a kid, so I’ve got to just deal with it and get on with my life. I know and I’m sure that in a matter of 5-10 years from now I’m gonna be more than grateful he never came and that we never did have a kid, but right now, I’ve got to get over it.

There are a lot of little things I wanted to say, but I just can’t remember them all right now. Especially now that I’m in a fine mood.

Tom’s been walking on the treadmill to give him more energy and make him feel better.

Well, the normal way a man and a woman have sex is for the woman to cum first, then the guy continues on to cum cuz he can’t stay hard afterward. So yesterday we screwed and after I came, he stopped as he always does, and the guy wasn’t even out of breath. Now tell me the guy isn’t just screwing only to get me off and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. He still insists that it “takes care of him, too.”

Whatever.

Now here’s a contradicting as well as a confusing statement. He told me that if we had a kid, I’d still be his #1. That’s not what he said a few weeks ago. He said in a family unit, there is no #1 and that everyone’s #1.

He told me yesterday that he’s afraid to cum and he’s afraid not to cum. He said, either way, he feels trapped with nothing but cons to doing either one. He said if he doesn’t cum, I’m not happy, and if he did cum, he’d be afraid I’d really think he was holding back. I told him that whether he came now, in a year, 10 years, or never, yes, I’ll be thinking that but not to worry about what I think. Then he said, “But I worry about what you think and your feelings more than my own.”

Then why doesn’t he cum if he’s so worried about my feelings?

Anyway, as time goes on, I lose all hope and faith, as I said before. Even though he insists we will have a kid. It’s just like with the women. First, it was such a big deal for the longest time, then little by little, it wore off of me. That’s how I know that his not cumming and our not having a kid can and should wear off too. I mean, desires do change throughout the years. There are certain things I used to want to do and places I used to want to go that no longer appeal to me, etc.

That’s the general scoop on that subject. Now for the second thing that had me furious yesterday.

About 4-5 times yesterday I could’ve sworn I heard that fucking dog back next door again. The one that she said wasn’t theirs. I thought to myself, oh no! How often are they gonna take care of that fucking beast? And when are these people gonna fucking get it that quiet means quiet, and why is there always a fucking show from over there, and did they give them this dog to keep this time around?

Then later when Tom went up on the roof to do something to the cooler, he said he saw it and it was a puppy (a different dog) but that it’d be huge when it was full grown. He said he thought they were just taking care of it for someone cuz he doubted they’d get a dog that large.

So, what are they doing now? Dog-sitting for the people of this city? Anyway, the good news is that I haven’t heard it today and the kids have still been great.

I’ve got an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow. She can clean, do x-rays and maybe fillings. If not, she can do the fillings another time and she can surely refer me to an oral surgeon if needed. I only hope it does not cost a fortune and take a million appointments.

Alex is all moved into his 2-bedroom in Vermont. His rent’s around $600 which is amazing from the way he described it. Hell, you can’t even get a 2-bedroom in most of New England for under $800. He said it’s big and in a nice area. When I typed a reply to him, I started to ask him if the area’s quiet, but then I realized that that’d be a dumb question seeing that he’s deaf. He’s still with Mary who’s looking for work there with plans to move in with him. Right now she’s working in MA.

We left out two 19” color TVs for Goodwill to pick up today. One of them was one that Scott gave me. Also, the twin bed that Donna gave me and the couch that Scott gave me. The guy took everything but the couch. The idiots didn’t have the decency to tell us they wouldn’t take the couch, but we know why. The bed and TVs are in worse condition than the couch, so that’s not it. It’s no doubt cuz the guy was alone and his truck was full with it being the end of the day.

So after I called Goodwill to say thanks a lot and that we won’t donate to them ever again, Tom had a good idea. We put it in the back end of the garage where the car never goes, for him to use to sit on whenever he’s working on any projects in the garage. Then, we’ll leave it here whenever we move.

Tom’s really accomplished a lot around here. Things are more and more organized, and I certainly can’t bitch at him for not getting stuff done we agreed to do or he agreed to do.

Andy told me that 4-5 days ago, this mother and her two kids moved in next door and that the kids woke him up, and that the guy downstairs must’ve been pissed cuz he blared his music. Today he told me he talked to her and he’s lucked out with her as I did with next door. This is because most people out here would be like, “Fuck you! We’ll be as loud as we want to be.”

He said she’s really nice and that the kids, as well as downstairs, have been very quiet.

Diana moved out, but they still work together. He said he’ll give her any mail I send there.

MONDAY, JUNE 12, 1995 I’m kind of tired this morning. I only slept for about 7 hours or so. I feel like I could use another hour or two, but I’ll live.

I have several things I want to do today. One of them is to copy into 90 the 7 pages I printed out last night in size 7. The colorful paper I got yesterday isn’t continuous feed. It’s the manual feed, so I was practicing last night when I printed out my story draft. It’s a pain in the ass compared to continuous feed, but oh well. Tom says they make printers nowadays that are set up to feed single sheets of paper all on their own.

SUNDAY, JUNE 11, 1995 Suspicions, suspicions, and more suspicions about Tom and this baby crap go on. He tells me he understands my feelings. Well, that’s fine, cuz I’m done analyzing the situation, done hoping, done having faith. It’s time for that hysterectomy now. When I go to see Dr. Rugg on the 30th, I’ll set up appointments to go under the knife one last time for Operation 20. I told Tom that I’ll have to lie and tell them I don’t want a child. He said, “If you have the operation, you’re saying you do not want a child. That’s the facts.”

Well, it’s not a fact and that’s not the way I see it. I see it like this - I do want one, but I can’t have one, so why deal with periods till I’m 50-something?

Later…

I was gonna write earlier, but I was just too damn pissed. First I awoke to find my right upper wisdom tooth is popping out, then it was another slap of reality. Instead of getting into too much right now, I’ll just quickly run through the basics.

I’m not due for my period till the 14th, so why I’ve been spotting for 3 days beats me. Obviously, all went well with the ultrasound, or else they’d have called me.

Bob tried to call 4-5 times today, but the one time I answered, I yelled the word, “No!” Then he tried once more, but I turned the ringer off. Before that, though, he left two messages from the prison when we were swimming. I’m rather surprised he did try calling. I thought he’d say to himself, “God, I’m so upset by her letter and I’d like to call her but I won’t cuz I know that’ll piss her off even more and lessen her chances of being my friend again.”

What else is going on? Tom and I went out and picked up that Scotch Guard. He sprayed the flag with it, and our new floral lounge chair.

I got a sheet of press-on dry decals with all kinds of pretty designs. I have them in here and in 90 & 93. I got a new binder and really pretty computer paper. There are 20 sheets of 10 different colors.

Tomorrow I’ll expand more on several subjects. Tomorrow I’ll also be making a dentist appointment. Right now I’m gonna go crash. I am extremely tired.

SATURDAY, JUNE 10, 1995 Tom’s working on the bee machine now, so I thought I’d cover yesterday’s and today’s events. Not much has happened yet so far today to tell about. My plans, though, are to do the dishes, change my bed and type various stuff like journal 84, letters, and maybe I’ll work on my story some more. I’ve been too lazy to work on my medley or to see if there are other parts of convos I never got around to edit.

Yesterday I made a suggestion for the hell of it. I told Tom to start thinking about us fooling around at the beginning of his day when he’s more awake. Also, to get me off by going down on me first, then he can go in there and not have to wait for me to cum before he’s able to stop. He always stops after I cum. He went down on me, got me off, and then went in there. As expected, he acted like he wasn’t even really into it which tells me even more that he screws only to get me off, not us off. He claims to like it when I do him by hand, but each time we get together my suspicions deepen. He’s a fluke, though. He’s what all women dream of (or gay guys like Andy), but he’s a head player. Every time he says he was close, is going to cum, wants a kid and all that shit, he still knows exactly what he’s doing. Well at least due to the fact that he’s easy to please and anything goes with him in bed except for cumming, I can be sexually selfish. Despite all this, though, and his games, I’m amazed at how much easier it’s getting to accept us never having a kid. The desire’s even slacking off a bit. We have enough to do and his game is a turn-off to the idea.

Had I been younger, I would’ve been fascinated to get a notice for jury duty. Instead, I was pissed off to have gotten one yesterday. Tom got one a couple of weeks ago, too. We’re not registered voters, so they must be using the DMV as a roster reference. They even sent it to Jodi “O.” Tom’s sure I can get out of it. Yeah, I’ll make damn sure that I do cuz I’ve had enough of pigs and courts, don’t you think?

The back room’s almost all been rearranged as far as the big stuff goes. Andy’s chair is where the computer was and the computer’s back by the window. No more glare on the screen from the sunlight.

Later I’ll be sorting some resistors for Tom that I call beads. It looks like a colored bead in the center of a thin wire. Also, the electronic chips made to be used in the bee machine are usually known as intergraded circuits.

Tom downloaded a few more puzzles from AOL. Not word seeks, but pictures you scramble then put back together. There’s a tiger, some desert scenes, etc. Here’s the cool thing about it, though. I can take a Norah picture we scanned in, or one of my drawings, scramble that up, then put that back together, too. It’s really super cool.

I forgot to note in here for the hell of it the name of Alex’s new street in Vermont. He too, lives on Pearl St. like Nervous used to. Nervous moved, though, several months ago and who knows if he has a phone? I wouldn’t be surprised if it were a new non-published number or a listed one in Crystal’s name, since they know I don’t know her last name.

Later…

Just had some more “cumless sex” with Tom. I came just fine, though.

I hope this period isn’t gonna be a killer one. The last one was light and this time around I’ve got more PMS. I even have spotting today and yesterday and I’m not due till the 14th.

Yesterday we went to the new main library which is huge. It’s got 5 big floors and a glass elevator where you can see all around you. I got a book by John Saul called Shadows. He’s pretty good and I read one or two of his books when I was in my teens.

Later…

I sure did get a lot of letters yesterday. Two from Bob, one from Diana, and a thank you card from Andy for taping his soaps which I finished up yesterday. On Monday I’ll send one to Andy and one to Bug. (Diana’s nickname) I decorated their envelopes with the decals. I could still smell that damn perfume of Diana’s all over her letter and some of her words were hard to read, but I got by.

Tomorrow’s gonna be 107º, then 108º for Monday. We’re gonna go swimming later.

I also spoke to Kim yesterday who mailed Bob the edits. She can’t wait any more than I can to hear about what Bob has to say to her about my fuck off letter. In a couple of weeks to a month, I’ll write him again and play with his head. It’s not that we hate Bob, he’s just a pain in the ass here and there. For now, let him sit and sulk. Kim said she mailed me a letter last Monday or Tuesday, but probably Monday. I should’ve gotten it by now and Tammy should’ve gotten the letter I sent her by now. If I don’t get Kim’s letter today, this PO here’s really gonna have a problem to deal with.

FRIDAY, JUNE 9, 1995 Well, I have been here for 3 years now! At this time 3 years ago we were heading for Greenfield to see Sheila, then lunch in Northampton, then to Boo and Max's in Longmeadow. At 1:30 our time will be when I took off.

THURSDAY, JUNE 8, 1995 I finally heard from Alex who’s moved to Essex Junction, Vermont. He sent his new address and TTY number on AOL.

Got an anniversary card from Marjorie and Ray. That was nice of Mom and Dad S. to send a card. They also sent a check for $25.

Tom’s expecting a call today, so we can’t ignore the phone. Whoever answers Bob’s call will just refuse it. Tomorrow he should get his “fuck you” letter.

Had a good day yesterday and hot sex.

We put up two blue plastic tarps over the back patio where the rafters tore off.

Later…

I just called Kim hoping to catch her on her way out to work, but I got the machine instead. I wondered if she got the edits I sent her to send to Bob, not that I really give a shit anymore. I also told her about the letter Bob will be getting tomorrow, as I’m sure she’ll hear all about it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7, 1995 I talked to Mom and Dad yesterday. She turned 63. Tom talked with them, too. At one point Dad said, “I could’ve used your help earlier.” I asked with what and he said, “I couldn’t fit 63 candles on the cake.”

I burst out laughing and Ma said, “Thanks, you two,” and hung up her extension.

I said, “Ma will have a wonderful birthday now.”

Dad said, “Yeah, I’m in trouble now, huh? God, we’re gonna be married 44 years.”

After we hung up, I realized I have the perfect solution for next year’s birthday for Ma. He can just get two cakes and put 32 candles on each one. There’s also always the option of jamming candles into the sides of the cake.

Later…

I’ve been scheduled to see Dr. Rauche at 2 PM on the 20th.

Yesterday the electronic chips came that Tom’s gonna use to make that bee-repellant machine with. He also got something that’s supposed to improve the TV’s reception.

I fell asleep yesterday before Tom got home from doing errands and he got me a beautiful 3-D journal. I love it and I could see the image instantly. The cover has cat faces all over it and the image is of a cat hovering over a fishbowl. That was so sweet of him, and the search for one with a live cactus or palm tree continues.

Tom gave me some letter decals. There are a few cards with numbers and letters and you put the one you want down where you want it, then rub it off onto the surface with a pencil.

We also printed out charts for our weight, measurements, and any exercises we do. I’ve got a set of them in the back of this book.

Later…

These letters don’t peel off as easily as I thought they would. Not off of paper, anyway.

How am I doing with accepting us never having a kid? Pretty good. I had made the comment earlier, “I wish we really could’ve.” Tom said he’s “planning” on it.

Yeah, right.

TUESDAY, JUNE 6, 1995 Yesterday I finished that big puzzle with the 4 puppies. Then when I went to flip it over the damn thing broke up. About a third of it did anyhow. After an hour or two I got it back together again and taped the back of it.

I just went and tried on some clothes. I’ve really got to lose 5-7 pounds or so. If I really thought I’d be pregnant, then it wouldn’t matter. In the last couple of years, though, my chest has grown, so my clothes will probably always fit differently, regardless of my lower body size.

I had a chat with Tom, but believe me, I still know better and wouldn’t allow it to refuel my hope. He brought up the subject and asked, how did this get so complicated? I said I didn’t know, but I did know that millions of other people seem to have no problem. I told him, “You said it was always up to me, but in fact, it’s up to you.”

Then he said, “Well, if it’s up to me, I want a kid, and now would be a perfect time.”

After I told him to put his actions where his words are, he told me about his “new” subconscious fear. He said that if he came now he’d be afraid of me really thinking he’d been holding back. I told him I have always felt that but that this shouldn’t worry him if he really wants a kid. He told me how he knows his problem isn’t physical. I’ve always known that. I also told him how for a long while there I felt insulted by his not cumming. He was too caught up by holding back to show how much he appreciated his wife. This is my opinion and I stressed to him how he has a right to his own beliefs and opinions, but I can’t help mine which I’ve got a right to.

Anyway, the good thing about it is that it was a quick and nice conversation. We didn’t fight and were hugging and kissing after and before he got on with the job hunt. Still, he told me not to worry and I won’t, but I know him better. He can tell me as many times as he wants how much he wants a kid, but that won’t change anything. I told him I didn’t expect it to, either.

He was in bed after I got up so I hope he has good job news for me.

Today’s Ma’s birthday today, so I’ll call her later. She’s either 63 or 64. I’ll ask her.

Later…

A couple of things have happened that piss me off, but it’s petty shit compared to my old life. Again the mailman delivered us a newspaper that goes next door and what’s pissing me off is the fact that if their mail’s coming here, ours is certainly going there or God only knows where and whoever’s getting it obviously isn’t returning it. I’m gonna call the PO today or leave a note out for our mailman, or both, and ask them to read the mail correctly.

The other thing that has gotten on my nerves once again is Bob. I’ve told him several times not to write on the envelopes of his letters to me cuz he writes tacky, corny, embarrassing shit. I love a lot of things about him as a friend, but I’m so sick of him being so selfish and doing what he wants to do. I need a break, if not forever, then at least for now. I told him so in a letter.

MONDAY, JUNE 5, 1995 I did several things earlier. I briefly spoke with Andy, showered and straightened my hair, typed letters to my parents, Kim, and Bob, changed the printer’s ribbon and revised the master grocery list. I also made baked potatoes and pudding, played with Piggy, listened to music, typed up more of 84, and soon I’ll do the dishes and work more on my puzzle.

One of my journal notes on my list I have here says, “inter.” What the hell’s that supposed to mean? I can’t even understand my own notes tonight.

It looks like Tom did some more work on the back room today. He’s been amazing lately.

I feel much better now and believe I’m well on my way to dealing with knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid. I’m proud of myself for not bringing it up too, and even dreaded the thought of him bringing it up, but he didn’t.

When I was typing 84, I had said that I’d be thrilled about his not cumming if it weren’t for my trying to conceive. I’m surprised I wrote that cuz for the longest time, I felt like I wasn’t doing a good enough job. It is a little insulting and it may always be, but for the most part, I can see myself not caring either way. I suppose I will always appreciate not having to deal with his cum all over. If we ever slept together there’ll be cum cuz he gets off in his sleep. Or by his own self, but not by his wife. Anyway as the reality of his never cumming sets in deeper and deeper, there are two reasons why my attitude is - fine, don’t cum. Cuz it keeps things cleaner, and personally, I’m not as eager to be great in bed so I can feel less insulted by his not cumming and showing me that I’m good enough to get him off. Not after the stunt he pulled about knowing he’d never cum and all this BS kid talk. I’m sure I’ll be glad, though, as I get older cuz I still don’t know if I could ever handle having and raising a kid. If he says, “But, I’m going to cum anytime now,” I won’t be like, “Oh, yeah? No, you won’t, cuz I know you better.” I’ll just say something like, “Sure honey. Anything you say.”

He stopped and checked the prices on that bed I mentioned. They go from $500-$1000 bucks. Out of our budget and probably out of the question, too.

He requested a catalog on bookbinding and all sorts of ways to make them.

I don’t know what you call it, but it’s like a lacy, plastic puffy thing you use with that body shampoo I got. Well, I had gotten a pink one which fell apart, so today he got me a new one which is great. I envisioned a multicolored one too, so that’s pretty neat. It’s got pink, purple, green, blue, red, yellow, peach, light blue and I’m sure there are a few other colors.

Back in 1987, as I’ve said and written, I had a feeling about something big going down in 1994. Well, I was half right. It didn’t have anything to do with singing as I had thought and hoped, but lots of stuff did happen. Well, my point is that for some reason I have a feeling about something going on in 1997. I have no idea what it could be, but I hope it’s nothing bad if I’m right.

I remember what “inter” meant. It was a note about house interest rates. Andy said he heard this too, and Tom told me about it. I don’t know how it works, but interests are at an all-time low and will probably be that way for quite a while. Tom said, “We may be in a position to move soon,” but I still say it’ll be at least 2-3 years. Maybe that’s in 1997.

I guess the move to Vermont must be really rough on Alex or keeping him incredibly busy. No word from him by AOL or regular mail in about a month.

I had a weird dream with Kim in it. I told her about it in my letter to her and I’m sure she’ll get quite a laugh over it. In the dream, she bought a house out here. I was over visiting. I sat in her living room and while she stepped out into her kitchen, 4 of my bottom teeth fell out!

Andy met the guy below him who he thinks is a dealer cuz he’s always home, has weird hours and a slew of people coming and going. One night he was cranking his music when a friend of his and Diana’s stomped real hard. He came up and said, “Music doesn’t bother me, but could you please not walk so hard?”

Andy said, “Sure, but could you please lower your base on your stereo?”

He did and Andy says he’s really nice and loves his new apartment I’m glad he does, but I wonder how the guy can deal with Andy’s regular walking which is like stomping.

Lastly, he says Diana’s moving out soon. She’s gonna live with this guy who’s in a wheelchair rent-free while she helps him out, so that’s good. He’s really happy, though, to realize that he truly can live with someone.

SUNDAY, JUNE 4, 1995 Just a quick update now as there’s really not much to say.

I did some wall art. Or door art, I should say. There’s a little spice cabinet in the kitchen. I did something different and while I did, Tom was all helpful and in a wonderful mood. I noticed that the cactus figurine I painted cast a perfect shadow on the wall, so I traced it. Then I drew it on the door with carbon paper. All around it, I drew colorful stripes.

Last night, what I already knew really hit me and I cried for hours. It was as if a doctor who’d run tests came out and told me I was sterile for sure. That’s how hard the reality that I’ll never have a child slapped me. It’s like accepting someone who’s died, then you mourn through it till you’ve dealt with it. The more I cry over it, the easier it’ll get. That’s what I believe anyway. I sometimes even try to make myself cry over it to keep flushing it out of my system. The tears don’t always come, though.

How do I feel about Tom? As expected, I guess. I love him for a million reasons. However, this was a hell of a raunchy thing to do to me or any other woman. I still can’t help but believe that this is just another one of those things he said he’ll do and wants, but will always be nothing but talk. I still very firmly feel that he knew it all along. He knew what he intended to do - not cum and keep it that way. Will he ever come out and say so? I’d have been bummed too, if he’d told me from the get-go that he never wanted a child, but this is different. Will he ever come out and say, “Jodi, I’m so sorry for getting in over my head with telling you I’d cum and we’d have a kid. Truth is, though, I won’t let myself cum cuz I don’t want one.”

I just know deep in my gut, heart, and mind that he knew. As hurt as I am, I don’t love him any less. There are too many hundreds of great things about him and I know no one is perfect. He obviously just never had the heart to tell me he didn’t want one cuz he knew how much it meant to me. He will, though. Within a few months. He can’t play this game forever. Especially when I refuse to discuss the matter with him anymore. Remember? He said that that’d be his “cure.” Well, he can get off by all the wet dreams he wants and keep my sheets dry, cuz there are still plenty of reasons not to want a kid.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother to screw. I can give him a hard-on with my hand and I always favored being eaten out.

Later…

Today’s been a shockingly great day. I seem to be more accepting of never having a kid. At first, the thought was depressing, but then it got better.

Tom’s still in his wonderful mood and at his initiation, we did screw around. There was something different about it, though. I can’t pinpoint it or come up with a word for it. Maybe it was more intense? More heartfelt? He seemed more into it and it was true. He definitely wasn’t acting and said it gets better and better. He also said he wasn’t thinking about it but was close. I loved it. The variety of his different speeds and movements was great.

SATURDAY, JUNE 3, 1995 Andy and Diana just came to get Thursday and Friday’s soap tapes. They came from work, so they wanted to get home and eat and were only here for two seconds. God, do they have geeky uniforms!

I asked if she could lose the perfume the next time she visits, as it’s quite overwhelming. No problem, she said.

He likes my hair straight and he usually likes curly hair, though. I think my hair looks much better straightened. It’s neater, longer, and easier to manage.

It’s amazing (but a blessing) that I haven’t heard them across the street even a little. No car stereo and no band playing quieter like he did when I discussed it with him. I know the same people live there. The mother, I mean. I can’t see him suddenly becoming a hermit who never goes anywhere and who suddenly hates music, so he’s definitely out of there. The thing of it is, though, he never seems to visit so I guess they don’t associate with one another anymore.

FRIDAY, JUNE 2, 1995 Boy, was I ever wrong about Tom on one thing! As I was waking up today, he was filling out a form to get those sex toys, as well as those labels several pages back. Can’t wait till we get them!

Got the package from my parents today. Yup, there was a flag. It was of Noah’s Ark like my sister got. There was a teddy bear, a lion, a giraffe, an elephant, and I think that was it. We put it at a 45º angle off the patio by the pool. You can see it from the street that runs alongside our house. It’s really cleverly made so it pivots around and doesn’t get all wrapped up around the pole. It’s on a nice stylish wooden pole, too. I was picturing a metal pole. There was also a Noah’s Ark wind chime and bird feeder. The backyard sure is nicely decorated now. I thought about decorating the front eventually with a wind chime or whatever, but nah. This may not be Springfield, but I don’t want to put something out that could be stolen. We got a Noah’s Ark picture frame, but none of the pictures of us will fit into it. Lastly, she sent us an anniversary card and 3 different pieces of stationery. I sent one to my parents, one to Kim, and one to Bob.

Tom offered to go down on me before he went to bed. I said, “This is a good time for that.”

He said it was called being up a very long time and being tired.

That’s true.

Yesterday I read him the part about that woman in that camp in Maine. Today he told me he really liked it and said it was some of the best writing I’ve ever done. That’s cool.

Later…

Today was an OK to a fairly good day, but it just turned lousy. Yes, I admit it’s all my fault, too. The only part that has me upset with Tom is that I feel a bit more shut out at times. Sometimes I want to chat while he’s so engrossed in sports on TV. He also tells me to say and ask whatever I want whenever, but then he seems frustrated with me.

A little while ago I blew up at him, calling him a fucking liar. Saying I knew he’d never cum and he knew it. He told me that being called a fucking liar is just as abusive as a man beating up his wife. He said if it continued, he’d divorce me and throw me out on the streets. He said that’s an abnormal paranoia for me.

I said, “When your own parents throw you away, what do you expect?” True, though, that I was still being mean, cruel, and cold by swearing at him.

Why and how can I be so mistrusting of him about sex and having a kid? I trust him with everything else, so why can’t I trust him with this? He always comes through on his word to me about other things. He’s just not very punctual, so why can’t I trust, believe, and count on him with this? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that he will cum, but if he doesn’t why blow up at him? Better to just accept it if he doesn’t, cuz us not having a kid doesn’t make me love him any less. Also, he’s not Dureen O. He never has or will do any of the shit she’s done, and I know it’s not fair of me to compare the two.

Later…

He just came in to say he was sorry for the mean things he said. He said he was sorry about saying he’d put me out, cuz he never really would and loves me forever. That’s so sweet and I apologized, too. He didn’t ask me to, but I’m gonna work on not swearing so much in general. It’s a subconscious thing that I need to make myself more aware of to break the habit. I know that if we did have a kid, he wouldn’t appreciate me swearing so much and I respect that. Just like I know he respects my wanting to show the kid neatness and organization, then it can do what it wants when it’s on its own.

Anyway, the bottom line is that despite the mean things we said to each other, he’ll never cum, he knows it, and there’s nothing he’ll do about it. Therefore, there’ll surely be no kid, not to mention the fact that I’d feel more like he appreciates me in bed if he did cum. This is something that’s very hard for me to accept, but these are all my true and honest feelings and opinions. I doubt I’ll be wrong on something I feel so strongly about, no matter how much he tells me he wants a kid. Not after the fact that we’ve been screwing for over a year. Back up until around my surgery, I had some hope he’d change, but now it’s gotten rather obvious. Again he said today he was anxious to have a kid, but I know better than to think that’s possible any more than maybe 5% - 10%.

Diana got my letter today and Andy said she loved it. He said he offered her an NPN envelope, but she wants to keep it.

Andy also said he loved the writing about the camp memory. He was confused, though, on a couple of things. He didn’t think I could remember anything at age 9. Not a lot. My memory didn’t improve until I got to my late teens. The only reason why I remember being 9 that summer is cuz of a comment my mom made. When we were packing me for the second camp in Maine, she said that the last time I was at camp was when I was 9 and I know I was 14 at that time.

He also questioned the part where she said, “Go to sleep or I’ll kiss you all over.” He said that sounded sexual.

But it wasn’t at all. She was only playing with me.

Yesterday I finished all the puzzles from my magazine subscription. The next one’s due around 6/14.

Tom and I are gonna check into this new bed we saw that I sure hope is affordable and not all BS. I saw a commercial where bowling pins were set up on one side and a ball was thrown on the other, but the pins never fell. In other words, the bed is for people like me who are light sleepers.

They’re playing some really good tunes tonight on the radio. In an hour and a half from now at 9:30, Norah’s gonna be in that movie called Appointment with Death. She’ll probably only be in it for two seconds. It’s an Agatha Christy movie set back in the 1930s so I can only imagine what pitiful outfits she’ll be wearing. Andy was kind enough to remember that I had asked him to record it as a backup. However, I told him not to worry cuz it’ll be on next week too, and there’ll be no storms tonight. Tomorrow evening we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house. I haven’t seen them in a while. Plus, Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) wants to meet me. She’s from Michigan but is staying here for a month or so to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they’ve been having.

Last night I sent Alex a letter on AOL. Soon, I’ll go check and see if there’s any response from him. I’ll also type a letter to Kim and enclose one for her to send to Doug.

When I talked to Dad, he hadn’t gotten the fingerspelling letter. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what it was, but I let him know a neat surprise was on its way. He said I have a surprise on its way too. I thought it might be a letter. Then I noticed on the calendar that this Saturday is Passover, so it’s probably just a card.

Now the unfortunate news. On 6/30 I have to go see Dr. Rugg again for another pap. The swab was too bloody to read. All else is OK, but the results of my ultrasound aren’t in yet.

THURSDAY, JUNE 1, 1995 Andy and Diana left a little while ago. They never got to the concert cuz the cable guy came and said the building’s got to be rewired. Who knows when it’ll be fixed? He brought me 7 tapes for now anyway. They’re now on their way over to his old place to get the rest of his stuff, and vacuum. They were here for almost an hour and they got me a burger and fries for my taping the soaps. While they were here, we mainly chatted about old times. Our pranks and stuff like that.

He says the laundry room’s nice, the people seem friendly, but the walls are paper-thin. That’s Arizona for you. He says he can hear the TV in the apartment behind his kitchen and their cabinet doors opening and closing. Also, the guy below him is constantly blasting his rap music, even till 4:00 in the morning.

As we’ve said before, people only care about themselves. For example, there’d be serious problems if the two dogs next to Lenore’s house two houses down from us were right next door. They bark when someone drives through or walks through the back alley and they are outside 24 hours a day. It seems all dogs in Arizona are always kept outdoors whether it’s raining, chilly, or 115º.

I typed a wacky letter to Diana which she’ll probably get Friday.

I gave him about 15 NPN envelopes to mail for me and I let him open one. It was of my memory of that camp counselor in Maine and that only. I’d never give him anything I wouldn’t want him to read in case he opened it. When he pulled it out, he goes, “Oh, I love these things.”

I’ll be back to write more later, but right now I’m gonna watch TV.

Later…

Another thing Tom said we were gonna do is order those sex toys, but to hell with it. If he doesn’t do something he says, then fine. I’m not gonna push or question it. Could he be worried that these things will add more excitement to our intimacy and that he’ll lose it and cum for sure? How is it that I’m so trusting of this guy with everything and anything, except for the issue of his not cumming and about the kid? Why am I so skeptical of him with those two issues?

I asked him to go down on me earlier since I figured he’d probably say he was too tired to screw and he had just had an allergy attack. He seemed elated saying that’s what he likes and was afraid to bring it up cuz I’m less horny at this time of the month. I’m usually hornier towards my period, but you never know with me. That was really what I wanted yesterday too, cuz I wanted to cum faster. I did offer to do other stuff with him after, but no. This is a sign to me of his lack of seriousness about the kid. He knew I was in the middle, too. I asked him if this knowing I was in the middle distracted him from the fun of it. He said he’d never know where my cycle stood without me saying anything about it. I have my doubts about this, but my little test will tell. We’ll see if month after month goes by with him avoiding me at that time without my mentioning my cycle. Why he’d have to avoid me, though, if he really is, beats me when all he has to do is continue to keep from cumming. Is it his way of telling me he doesn’t want a kid cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me? Well, not that I don’t want one, but this does a good job of lowering the desire somewhat. I’m not gonna keep playing this goddamn mother-fucking game with him!

[ancient-reverie]

I'm a single parent of 6 and a half fur children. I have three cats, two rabbits, one chicken, and a fish tank. I also end up taking care of the family cat.

My oldest daughter (Nutmeg, Cat, 15) stays in my brother's room. He's not the best at looking after her, but he tries, he does love her.

My youngest boy (Kili, Cat, 3), has asthma. And my oldest boy (Harvey, Rabbit, 7)has a permanent head tilt that gives him chronic vertigo. Both of them take meds. Luckily the rabbit only takes them once a day instead of every 12 hours, and the cat is good at taking a pill and only needs it every other day and maybe his inhaler at night.

The birb (Honey, Chicken, 7?) is taken care of by my dad, she's the easiest one by far. We have a big 1 acre yard and my mom feeds the wild birds so there's always bugs and seed and grasses for her. We also feed her pellets and meal worms and veggies and other things. She's kind of spoiled besides being outside all the time. She's not house trained and it's too late for that. We make sure she has cool places to be, you should have seen her before I rescued her.

My other rabbit is my youngest girl (Nola, Rabbit, 5?) and she's a feisty bitch. Doesn't like people, is too mean to Harvey for them to interact since his head tilt. But she's happy lol so that's what matters.

My fish tank consists of 10-15 mosquito fish I caught from a nearby creek. I only caught about 5 but they turned out to all be the same species of different sexes wouldn't you know it... I used to have some leeches and snails too but eventually they died off. It's really exhausting to have. My mom refuses to help me clean it when I'm gone so any trips I take, the length of them depends on when I need to go home to clean my tank... But we're on idk what generation and luckily there haven't been anymore babies (or if there have been they've eaten them before I notice and that is okay with me at this point) but I've had the tank for 7 ish years or more and I wanna be done but I do enjoy them while they're here. I find dead ones from time to time, and I'm honestly shocked they even live this long, I mean they're minnows. I mean given the right conditions fish can live a long long time so... I'm doing something right I guess???

And the best and smartest boy last but certainly not least, is Zaboomafoo. My tuxedo cat. He just turned 5 in July. I got him hoping to be an emotional support buddy and he turned out to be just that. We were gonna travel and stuff but I hate leaving my house and I didn't want anything to happen to him so that idea went out the window. But whenever I'm sad he comes to make me feel better. He wants to know when I'm drinking alcohol. He checks on my throughout the day. Reminds me to eat food. He even plays fetch bc he knows I'm too tired to really play with him most of the time, but I can throw a toy he brings me. He picked me at the shelter. That's another story.

All my kids are rescues, and sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for them, but to them this is so much better than where they came from they don't even care. I really do take care of them like kids, and boy is it exhausting.

[cogcltrcorn]

shiv and kendall don't really talk. roman stays close to all of the siblings. he moves to somewhere warm and spends his time doing fuckall all day every day. suddenly becoming a connor doesn't feel so terrifying.

kendall is in his ewan era. he refuses to spend time in the same room with shiv (but still does. the idea that his nieces and nephew will grow up without his valuable imput is obscene to him. he still shows up like twice a year or so). he conviniently erases the election night from his mind. he visits roman regularly, and he sometimes joins the weed smoking sessions with the youngest daughter, and thoroughly enjoys shitting on tom and shiv with her. he has an investment fund and constantly soft-pitches both roman and her his investment ideas. he is very prone to "ok let me show you this article about the immigration patterns in south africa i read recently" and is absolutely fucking unbearable about insisting that he is happy now because he is no longer associated with atn and stuff. maybe he is. maybe he isn't. it's hard to tell. his children don't call him that often nowadays. he muses that it's probably normal. they're busy. he's busy. it's fine.

the oldest daughter and kendall meet early, but get to know each other much later. roman has no problem loudly pronouncing her "kendall junior" very early on (it's the autism and permanent expression of deep sadness on her face), which kind of drives her up a wall as she matures ("because she is CLEARLY better than all of them"). kendall is delighted, because she is vaguely progressive and also a "serious person". they end up with a sort of silent understanding between them. "I don't want to be you" vs "I know, me neither". they smoke together outside on family gatherings.

the son isn't really interested in talking to kendall and roman. damn, he isn't really interested in talking to shiv. he kind of thinks that everyone is a loser and a bitch except for grandpa and dad.

connor becomes a grandfather without ever having children. small children finally provide him with a constant and unending stream of things to do. sure, he is weird and the little ones Know that he is, but it doesn't matter. they love him. he spends all of his time with them, and constantly tries to get them to visit him (shiv is adamantly against going to austerlitz every weekend. frankly she doesn't want to go there ever). he is devastated when they are no longer small enough to find his company entertaining. well. at least he had it while it lasted.

shiv is going to have a kendall daughter. like I think she is going to put an insurmountable weight on her shoulders and offload all of her ambitions onto her and she will promise her the world and also promise her death if she sees even a smidge of weakness in her. tom on his end will pull a caroline himself and he will somehow out-absent-father kendall. he WILL also be insane about the second child though. a boy who will remind shiv of kendall (and tom) and who she will want to grind into thin paste. tom will be insanely doting on him and he will be a daddy's boy and he will be spoiled and coddled and shiv will fucking despise it. of course tom will want three children and shiv will hate that fact too. the third child will be a girl who tom will nominally love for being his little girl (still ignoring his first child) and also coddle, but to him she will always be a cute little baby and he will never see her as a person. shiv will be violently ambivalent towards her, because she never wanted another child. she never wanted anyone after the first (and even then maybe she shouldn't have had children in the first place). their third child will never be daddy's little princess and she will never be mommy's number one. she will be the weak dog.