#i cant work weekends and thats about it
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#what if i wasn't like sad.... all of the time#that'd be nice#was having a good day and runined it by opening job search websites#legit that's what happened#ive been able to put out a dozen or so applications a week#until these past few weeks#in which id be lucky to see half as many openings that i have a snowflakes chance in hell of getting#imj ust.... tired#like either give me somethign 2-3 days a week so i can get this comptia a certification#or like an actual good job#im not super picky at this point#i cant work weekends and thats about it
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I just don't understand people who don't do a COVID test when they get sick
#like yes of course for some people thats not affordable#but for the vast majority money isnt the issue#i picked up a sore throat and congestion over the weekend and figured it was allergies#i was pretty damn sure but i coughed last night and thats unusual#so i bit the bullet and at 7 fucking am this morning i went and found a covid test before work#good thing too because by the time i got to work the test was positive#because of that im within the window for paxlovid#and i havent really exposed that many people#my brother in christ this shit kills people#its not the common cold#the responsible thing to do is to test when youre fucking sick#and isolate if you know its covid#i have no idea on what criteria i qualified for paxlovid but im guessing it was asthma#heres hoping my mcas doesnt throw a tantrum about this#its entirely possible i caught this from my coworker#who did not test at all and stopped wearing a mask after a day or two#they know about my health issues and i cant help but feel hurt about how little they cared about the possible consequences to me#i should be fine btw im not even feeling particularly sick#salt baby talks#disability#chronic illness
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Gear 5 luffy's laugh is so contagious I just hear the drums and go insane how does this work. What did he do to me
#i still cant believe how much this new opening theme goes off.... DREAM SAVE ALL OF US 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH 💥💥💥💥💥💥#wait a second. the robot attacked 200 years ago. the void century was 800 years ago no????? what#oh see it was made 900 years ago.... but why did it attack 200 years ago then.... what happened#it is still so funny how they made evegapunk einstein but with some cunty long legs#200 years ago they gave rights to the gyojin!!! i see i see ✍️✍️also i still wonder why law and kuma have similar hat and pants designs#like there is NO WAY that much similarity isnt done on purpose. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I NEED ANSWERS!!!#are they annihliating cp ships akdhakskd yeah vegapunk letsgo#also the opening song is about dreams and the end one is about luffy reaching shanks...... havent got a clue why but there it is#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1098#also is lucci named lucci bc it kinda sounds like luffy. SERAPHIM KUMA HAS HIS DEVIL FRUIT???? vegapunk could only make zoan fruits????#also wdym when cp0 acts it means its some historic event. lucci is like 25. where are the experienced people here#sentomaru works for vegapunk??? maybe i forgor about this tbh also do theu have a doffy seraphim??? the fact they have animal names....#stussy letting kaku get hurt akdhsjsn oh atlas has lamb ears..... and lucci said she is is prey... no..... the foresahdowing :(#lucci you fucked up she just gave luffy food... that a death sentence look what happened to kaido#episode 1099#<- oh my god btw. god. jesus.#why is akainu telling the cp0 what to do or thinks he can do that... thats the world gov... also thinkng about how garp should fight him#and not luffy.... because of ace you know... i still wonder how did sengoku know who ace's father was... there is only one man who knew....#everyone trying to stop them from fighting ajdhsksjks two rabid dogs fr#LUFFY TAKING OFF HIS JACKET WHEN LUCCI ASKS FOR HIS WANTED SIGN!!!! GO OFF KING!!!! SLAY!!! THE CREW SAW HIM!!! FINALLY!!!#i have been smiling since he started the transformation this is so sick...... i have got a case of the luffy brain#zoan fruits steal the personality of the user when they awaken ✍️✍️ luffy???? nami being the only one who saw gear 5 <3 twins manifesto#robin being so shook about luffy being a god ajdbjansk wdym devil fruits exist because people wish for them. fairy magic real????#WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE FROM ALTERNATE REALITIES WHERE SOMEONE DREAMT ABOUT THEM??? DOES HE TRAVEL THRU REALITIES FOR THEM???#jinbe has been making this face 😧 every episode three times it is amazing ajdhaksnsk poor man... now he sees a kid angel version of himself#after seeing hia captain turn into a god... he is gonna get a stroke OMG SENTOMARU WE JUST GOT YOU BACK#episode 1100#<- CRAZY. INSANE. OH GOD. ONLY 12 LEFT. THATS A WEEKEND!!! I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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the worst part about being stale bread brain is i cant even feel horny ......... if i try i just end up feeling guilty and staring at the ceiling ... i dont even have any JOKES ..!!!
#im ok i think ! just not in my body the way i would like to be but thats normal#i will. resume pawbeanies posting when reality returns to me or whateva. im ok though#but im sad bc i cant even make any funny words about it they all just sound concerning but its rlly not!! im ok#pawbeanies diary entry or whateva#i wil l. probably end up rbing some stuff and then disappearing for tha rest of november until my brain works again#but lately its just been. work and sleep and sleep and work and#weekends have just been sleeping ...... and sleeping ........ and youtuve or smth#sleepy again .. goodnigjt
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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so i didn't finish the paper on time but on the plus side i Almost know how to play mahjong now
#im like 8 volumes into kaiji pt 3#which is 50 chapters deeper than i was the day before#anyway it's good but im definitely going to it as part of a sluggish avert mine eyes type dopamine struggle#i also havent slept well in a few days and ive become a total baby when it comes to that like i Cant function right anymore#when im a certain amount of tired#the like 12 hours in the car this weekend didn't help with the good restful sleep thing#i fought and fought and fought myself and in the end it's just gonna be a day late. mot that it had to be but it will be#and although i can't see the prof's late work policy i think that's gonna be okay. hopefully#but ughhtjhfhhghjghj im so tired still. ive been sleeping in like 20 min fragments trying to get this done#just woke up from a cool three hours and im (believe it or not) still tired#i havent done the 40 pg reading and i am NOT bullshitting my way through that class i am going. to bed#i know i shouldnt but i cant care rn i'll drag myself to japn and do late work all afternoon but i gotta sleep between those#anyway fukum.oto has a special way of making kaiji cringe that makes me extra fond#like watching kaiji scramble around on the floor trying to find his tiles absolutely freaking out and everyone laughing at him#was so good. he was being too confident this arc he needed to be reduced to smth horribly pitiful that he has to drag himself back together#from y'know? thats part of the fun#ANYWAY i couldn't do that shit kaiji and miyoshi are doing for many reasons but the attention span sure is one#also idk if it's the translation or what but the r slur keeps jumpscaring me in ways that are funny to me for the absurdity#thats a chapter title??? that Doesn't Belong in the chapter title??????!!! anyway#yk when you're so surprised and put off by smth you just. cackle about it? like laughing at a funeral or whatever#it's like that#buh. anyway god im so tired#ive been doing so well this semester but it looks like it's starting. the snowballing.#well hopefully i can dig myself out today after a 14 hr nap. get all that late work And my readings done yk#(<- pipe dream alert pipe dream alert)
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well boss said reese has no indication of any uti or crystals only a tiny amount of red blood cells which can be caused by the manual expression. coworker insisted there was no point in taking rads to see if he's blocked from the string so going to try some laxaire and hope 😬🤞🏻also then my boss gave me a ride to the bus stop so i didn't have to carry the huge crate which was uncharacteristically nice of him 🤨
#already plotting in my head how trying to get him into emergency surgery on the weekend would go and its not great#on account of the fact that i simply do not have enough thousands of dollars for the er proper. or a way to get there but i could probably#figure that one out but not so much the money#he had a god awful time he had to see a d*g and that was horrible he hissed at it (chihuahua less than 1/3 his size)#he was SO scared i feel horrible and i almost cried a lot of times just from looking at him 😭#anyway i'm glad we did a ua though that does help some of my anxiety but now the problem is the string#it probably had a big knot in it so i'm not totally convinced it would even be able to exit the stomach but if it did thats terrifying#i don't think it was super long just the big knot#coworker also insisted strings cant cause blockages only intussuseptions which does not sound right to me particularly if it was a bulky#but not long string such as this one. but what do i m#*know#i'm still really stressed and we have to move tomorrow ugh#i forgot to grab the laxaire at the clinic so i'm going to have to go out and get some but i have to go drop off a goodwill bag anyway#ugh also while my coworker was trying to get pee from him she said “if you bite me i'll smack you in the face i dont care if your moms here”#and i didnt say anything but if she had done that i think i would have lost my mind. what the fuck is wrong with you#she is like that with all of the animals and it drives me insane or like she'll brag about how her rottweiler lifted his lip at her so she#beat him and stepped on his head (???) like some would accurately identify this as animal abuse and yet youre a vet tech???#like these animals are all having a horrible day why the fuck don't you have two seconds of patience instead of immediately going to#“oh you threatened to bite me let me force you into tonic immobility”. again what the fuck is wrong with you#same woman who justified hitting kids in the face btw. of course#my boss is actually much nicer to them for the most part than she is he's just a total douche to people (me) its weird#like i just think you should not have made your lifes work being a vet tech if you think its cool and fine to smack dogs and cats around for#not immediately doing what you want or for expressing discomfort or fear#and they are almost all fear reactive i think there have been maybe two cats that i would describe as aggressive and not just fear reactive#and i'm probably wrong honestly! theres always a reason#anyway. please everyone pray or vibe or whatever that my cat doesnt get his guts tied in knots because i dont have $10000 and his insurance#doesn't kick in for two weeks i think (i got it last night in a panic having intended to do it months ago but thought he had to have a vet#relationship in order to get it)#i'm still really scared lol. god bless#me
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just gotta say even part time jobs that are currently only offering like 12$ an hour: You are a joke and should be ashamed of yourself for trying to hire people on for that little in this day and age
#i recently walked into like some sort of dollar store or 99 cent store or what have you#cause they had a hiring sign up and i was curious#and the district manager was there so i talked to her.#they were looking for a general manager who would have open availability+ weekends+ closings or openings+ holidays they would have to work#and i was like wow thats a lot of responsibility and hours worked how much does it pay#and she deadass looked me in the eyes and said 12 an hour. when i tell you i laughed at her#no wonder u cant get any employees if thats what ur offering for a management postition#for the record hiring rate at mcdonalds where i live is about 13 an hour for crew#so like girl. no
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i got hit with like. nauseating anxiety a couple hours ago and i dont know how to make it stop
#wind howls#i have this horrible scary feeling that something terrible and world shattering is about to happen#and that really makes me feel horrible bc my sister and her boyfriend are abt to travel#and my parents and my baby sister are going on a mini trip this weekend. my sibling is dog sitting for my sister.#and my brother may or may not stay home ? he talks about throwing a party for his birthday but thats next month.#i used to love being home alone as a child. i used to feel like it brought me peace and calm like nothing else.#but nowadays its so rare (what with covid and my parents mostly working from home) that being home alone pivoted to making me scared#which really sucks ! my paranoia spikes up so bad and the dread makes me feel sick to my core !#my mom is going on a work trip to quebec city tomorrow and im also scared abt that because i cant be normal about anyone else travelling#im fine when i travel like on a plane. im okay with buses and train. cars scare me but i tolerate them#but when its other people suddenly i get so paranoid its debilitating.#the sense of dread i feel rarely is justified. i know this. i know this is not rational. i cant make it stop.#why are you so scared ! why am i so scared ! what happened ! i used to be so good at being alone ! i used to be so good !#i loved being alone ! why cant i be that way anymore !#i will try to sleep. please wish me luck. maybe im this way bc i slept like dogshit last night. i dont know. i dont feel good.
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cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc
pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement
#taylor.txt#the extenuating circumstances point was not me btw. i know someone who had his degree delayed an entire year because of two weeks in psych#we’re in a co-op program or else maybe it wouldve just been one semester but. lol#i hate it here…i hate it#but hey…at least i have the world’s shittiest health insurance!#some of my classmates say they dont feel like working full-time is easier than going to school full-time but it so is#for me. anyway. even when i fumbled my time management bad on the field and make no mistake i was incredibly busy plus i chose a field#notorious for Unpaid Overtime and Taking Your Work Home. even then. it was still easier than this#i would never do undergrad again. i loved everything i learned. i took interesting and awesome classes#but i would never ever do it again. miserable overworked spent most of it friendless until i got on the field#i have a friend who keeps being like idk how you did 4 physics classes this sem and im like girl we are education students…thats an average#semester for a physics major. how must THEY feel#also i have to say just you know. generally. ive worked full-time while living with my parents#AND while living alone. and 50 hours a week was incredibly manageable in the former arrangement. i even wrote and edited an entire novel#in the beginning stages of a pandemic while working 50 hours a week of retail and fast food hell. 40 hours full-time with weekends off#while living alone though? thats hard. i still managed to go to the gym almost every day#currently? i cant get out of bed in the morning. i am putting in 12 hour days and then goinng to bed unable to sleep because im so stressed#i have dreams about school. tangentially theres a really good marxist poem i read last year about this phenomenon in workers#ANYWAY. i have just 8 more days 4 exams 1 research paper and video project#i think i can pass and then thats it. my next semester is hell but just because scheduling the actual classes will be easy#and then i get to go back on the field and actually want to wake up every day. lol#and 8 days from now i will have my christmas shopping done and my apartment will be clean and i will be a fanfic writing machine#also my friends and i booked a demolition room so im sure that will be beneficial kfldjfldndks
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so wild to me when someone will only make plans with me on their weekend or only do stuff if they don't work the next day regardless of whether or not I also work that day and/or the next
#i used to work 7 days a week but now i do mon-fri and everyone i know has their weekend off from mine#and its always like sorry i cant hang out when youre free bc i have work that day :/ can we do my day off even though you will be working?#hmm cant do that cause i work tomorrow. well have to do it on a monday after you work and before you work the next day#im always like yeah whatever bc i wanna see people and if thats how it had to happen thats fine#literally just occurred to me right now tho that i do that all the time and hardly ever do people like. ask me about my preference#actually did have something i really wanted to do after work tonight but apparently i was the only one
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I FUCKING HATE MEDICAL FACILITIES!!!!!!!!!!
#GODDD WHY CAN NOTHING BE EASY#i call a place last weekend. im like hey i need a physical for work can you do that#yes we can!#awesome can i schedule an appointment#oh dont worry we take walk ins you dont need one#great! cool!#fast forward to this morning. i fucking hate doctors offices i hate thinking about them i hate going to them.#i psyche myself up for like an hour. i drive the 45 minutes to this place. i get inside hand them the paper tbe lady is like#super frustrated. doing that awful thing moms do where theyre like. doing things more forcefully than needed and sighing#she goes. we dont do this here. im like. oh well i called last weekedn and someone said i could come here#shes like. idk what to tell you we cant do this. im like ok do you have any suggestions for places that do. she says no. i leave.#i call like THREE DIFFERENT PLACES and all of them are like. lol you need a pcp. i dont have one of those yet.#head in hands. i just wasted two damn hours of my weekend for nothing AND NOW I HAVE TO GO GROVERY SHOPPING. i fucking#hate it here everything sucks im so mad.#i literally just need someone to go “yeah youre healthy” and sign a paper. thats IT
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when places have "sensory hours" or whatever they call their sensory friendly times, but it's always at the most inconvenient times possible. they always do them at the times people are least likely to be at/want to go. it's either way too early in the mornings or in the middle of work time, and it seems to always in the middle of the week and never weekends. they never care if they inconvenience disabled people. but how dare they ever inconvenience the ableds and take away their time! 🙄
#sensory sensitivity#disability#idk what to tag this exactly#basically this is me complaining about the zoo doinf their Christmas lights thing and only havine ONE SINGLE SENSORY FRIENDLY NIGHT#on a wednesday. during my work hours. and it was back in November before thanksgiving even happened#i want to take my autistic ass there with my autistic disabled friend but we have to he crowded out by people and noise instead#if i wasnt afraid to break the brand new wheelchair i bought my friend for Christmas or hurt her id run everyone over with it dbdhdsjsk#kidding. but i know thats how ill feel with the sensory overload and crowding becuase they cant give us more and/or convenient sensory days#lee rants#also the sensory night was more than a month before my friend even visits so.....🧍♀️#IMO there should be at least one per week. at least one weekend. give us rhe bare minimum please 😭#everyone rather go closer to Christmas but they made sensory night in the middle of November when no one is ready for Christmas yet#inconvenient for us and out of the way do the ableds arent inconvenienced. i hate it here#ok i looked it up again. the light show didnt even start for the public until the 17th. sensory night was 14th. they really said#you disableds get get pushed as far away from this as possible#i mean i appreciate that they even do it at least. but they can do better. much better!!!!
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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my 30 minute presentation is currently twice as long as it should be. :( i have a lot to say okayyyy these pieces have been all ive been doing for like this past year and a half..
#okay and ive been working and stuff but i have no social life so this has been everything#and you want me to talk about 50 minutes of music in 30 minutes :( i have a lot to say#time to edit i guess 😭#face reveal!1!#again. lol.#yes i look kinda like i havent left the house all weekend. thats bc i havent. this presentation will kill me#waaaaaaa. plus work has been super busy as well lately wtf#you know how life is. but i cant cut down on my classes bc i need the money for my recording sessions :((#edit: deleted the selfies waaa you missed it 😔
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