#i cant talk to my mom about it shes sleeping rn and when i do talk to her about it she tells me that im silly and to just keep reading

[scattered-winter]

.

[gaystardykeco]

need to go home rn actually i cannot be on this trip anymore. like at least when i reach a breaking point at home i have an apartment alone to break down in and regulate myself until im okay enough, there's just no way to do that here at all

[sonic06apologist]

I can't sleep cause no work life ruining my sleep schedule and so why not just talk about traumatic thing in my life that I can't stop thinking about rn idk maybe getting it out will help. This isn't a new story I think the long mutuals know about this. My brother has been on my mind for some reason, haven't talked to him in almost a decade but I'm thinking about our last time ever seeing each other. He is a dumbass that joined the marines. he got back from a tour in the middle east and was visiting me and my parents. this was my last year of college i believe. I still remember that night, i was just trying to play some games and he decided to join me and just say the most racist shit in front me. Like oh no shit the marines made him worse than he already was. Like he was doing this to try and get a rise of me which i fell for again and just asked him "hey, can you like not say all this racist stuff when you're around me? I don't care if you do it with your buddies but I just don't like hearing that kinda stuff man" like I asked him nicely and all he did was call me a fuckin pussy so I just said whatever and decided to walk away. But he just follows me and keeps calling me a pussy while i try to just go to my room and be left alone. Like I make it to my room and just yell at him "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU FUCKING MURDERER" Hey we all know he is on here I feel this site is the only place I can talk about that part without everyone thinking its my fault cause i hurt a marines feelings. Anyways he did snap and scream at me "ILL FUCKING KILL YOU" as he tried to then choke me to death, like damn you're just proving my point... My mom rushed in and tried to pull him off of me and he decks my mom and thats the last thing i remember before passing out (if you cant tell I lived) my dad was able to pull him off of me and literally threw him out of the house using his 3rd amendment right. My brother has been my own personal bully my entire life and has physically (and mentally) harmed me all my life but never tried to kill till like then. But i wasn't even mad about that I was furious he hit our mom. Like you fucker she spoiled you your whole life you fucking brat. I have told myself I would never speak to him again until he apologized for hitting our mom. Well he's too late for that. I just got distracted looking at fightpads for a moment cause damn those are cool controllers.... Like right now not in the past. Anyways My brother became estranged after that. Idk I'm just like thinking about rn, Moment just stuck in my head. Sometimes I wonder what if he tries to reach out to me and apologize. Who knows. Im just here to vent from a decades long trauma event.

[snowball-doie]

i want to hear more about the manager story but i just cant think of any asks AHHHHHHHHHHHH

THATS OK LET ME GET THE BALL ROLLING

aurora becomes the mom for all of nct. she's the person they can all go to if something comes up and they need someone to help or just listen. you'd be surprised how much sway aurora has with the execs..... over the years, she's gone above and beyond, they trust her to do pretty much whatever with 127, and sometimes that overflows to the other groups too. wayv wants a bigger tour? aurora'll talk to the execs. dream wants to spend an extra day in the bay area to tour around? done. especially after marrying johnny, aurora's like ACTUALLY their mom-- some of them call her "mom" teasingly when she's nagging them. (127 refers to her as "noona" reguluarly, though, while everyone just says "aurora-nim" or "manager-nim")

when renjun was getting harassed and started cracking under all the pressure, he finally went to the only person he could think of who would help and not immediately go to the execs or stir up drama or just brush him off. the boys would understand, he knew that, but... he needed someone who could do something for him. so he went to aurora. she'd only just come back from her time in the US because of her own issues with sasaengs when renjun came into her office and asked for her help. he couldn't take it anymore. he was frightened, he was tired, and his self-confidence was being shot in the face by netizens who shouldn't have mattered............ but they did...... he needed help. he didn't want to do something stupid. aurora dropped everything to help him, taking him to see a professional who could listen to him and give him better advice than she ever could-- she asked if renjun needed someone else there to support him too, and when he said yangyang, she made sure he met them at the hospital. renjun didn't have to go through it alone. and aurora stood between renjun and all the execs who wanted to prevent him from going on hiatus, or staff members who wanted to gossip about his mental health, or judge him for needing help. renjun couldn't bear to be alone during that time either. while the dreamies were on tour without him, he was very lonely, so he spent some time living in the wayv dorms like the old days, but when they also had to go on tour, he didn't know where to go. aurora and johnny had a guest room that would inevitably become a nursery within the next few months, but 'til then, renjun could stay there. aurora liked to look after renjun. knowing that he was safe made it easier to sleep at night.

aurora and renjun become close because of this. are they as close as she is with yuta, taeyong, or ten? ....no.... but renjun's her little guy that she vows to protect no matter what-- and it's because of her reassurances and help slowly getting back into singing and rehearsing at the office during his hiatus that he decides to come back.

when she introduces renjun to shiwoo (an oc of mine), aurora's lowkey acting like a matchmaker-- "can you guys watch the baby for a minute? i need to talk to john in the office real quick" so she passes her son to shiwoo then skiddadles to the office- but she keeps the door cracked open so that she can eavesdrop on their convo. renjun and shiwoo are such shy lil guys... they're both very polite, but very shy. they talk about idol things, comparing what their hiatuses were like, talking about their upcoming tours, how their companies treat them, etc. pretty surface level shit ngl. but then aurora keeps doing it. she invites both of them to sunday brunch-- which is usually just aurora, kay (my friend's oc), yuta, ten, taeyong (but he's in the military rn), and shotaro (when he's not busy with riize). since tae and shotaro can't make it, there's two empty spots, sooooooo......... matchmaking time. oh, look at that! only two seats left! and they're next to each other! at the end of the table!

listen, renjun and shiwoo are just two wounded birds who confide in aurora every time something goes wrong. and she knows their type-- THEYRE EACH OTHER'S TYPE BRO! why can't they help each other and get together-- WHOOOOOOOO SAID THAT!!! aurora feels victorious when shiwoo does eventually ask renjun out, though :)

"i know what you did," johnny told her one night when she came back from sunday brunch. "mark told me renjun's seeing someone." he looked up from bottle feeding the baby. "i can't believe you actually pulled it off."

"you need to have more faith in me."

[emoboy07]

sorry to vent on main, but i dont wanna do it on discord bc i use that venting channel too much and i dont have any friends to vent to in dms so its going here. it got pretty long so i put it under the cut

so i had to quit my job recently bc of my sleep disorder (among a few other reasons but thats the main problem rn) and i do online school so the only time i ever really leave the house is for doctors appointments. i dont even really have any irl friends at this point bc the only one i had hasnt messaged me in like a month other than to respond to a tiktok i sent and i dont even know how to start a conversation if i tried to message them. we used to be so close several people literally thought we were dating. theyve been my only irl friend for like a year atp. i also havent really been on discord that much (outside of venting and occasionally going into chat to say hi) so i havent talked to my online friends a lot lately either. what im trying to say is i basically have no friends atm and no social interaction outside of family and the very few interactions ive had on tumblr. which for family is also less than usual bc of my fucked up sleep schedule, and im not out to them yet so they always misgender and deadname me. i literally just want a friend, preferably irl bc im not good at talking over text and i prefer actually hanging out with people over just talking over text. but i dont go anywhere and none of the people my age in my town would even be friends with me, as proven by the several years of public school that i went with at the most four friends, one of which i recently found out didnt even like me in the first place, she was just there for the other two people in that friend group. not to mention my literally non-existent love life, i havent dated anyone in my almost 18 years of life, it would be nice to have a bf. or honestly anyone atp im not even gonna be picky about it. but again, no one in my town has liked me enough to be my friend so looks like thats not happening anytime soon. and i probably wont be able to move out anytime soon bc of my health issues. i dont have a job rn and wont be able to at least until my sleep disorder is figured out bc i cant wake up to an alarm so i cant guarantee ill be awake to go to work at any given moment. i cant make appointments on my own unless i can do it online, i genuinely cannot do phone calls. and i cant drive bc of my sleep disorder, anxiety, and slow processing speed. i dont think ill ever be able to tbh. and there is very little public transport in or around my town so being able to drive is kind of a necessary thing if i were to live on my own. also i have at least one surgery coming up, probably more but idk if theyre going to want to do my other knee or not depending on whether they find anything wrong in this one and idk when ill be getting top surgery so i need someone who can take care of me for those. and i cant drive so if i wanted to do anything/had anything going on, it has to be scheduled at certain times so i can get a ride from either my mom or my brother. i dont even think my town has uber or anything, and even if it did i cant really afford that rn. and i live in a small town with absolutely nothing so if i want to do anything other than get overpriced groceries or go to a dollar store its at least a half hour drive

[rose022]

Okay 150 questions I will just pick random numbers

8 21 32 38 64 77 83 106 108 122 135 148

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uhm. well my gender doesnt really have an opposite and i dont thibk anyone is particularly on my mind rn other than my friends. uh 2/3 have a tumblr and one hasnt posted like anything since ive been following him so. theyre cool tho i love them

21. What are you bad habits?

i bite my nails and skin a lot i think. i also forget to do stuff a lot. even whrn i really have been meaning to do it. uh theres a lot more but idk rn

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

. ik u chose these randomly but. wow. thats a. sure a question. ... i mean i am an adult so uh. assuming they were ok with it uh. nihachu and uh. miura ayme? idk those are the only two celebrities i can think about. that. with. weird question. uhm. maybe i shouldve just opted out (<- still writing)

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

i really like black hair. not super taller than me that i cant reach. likes me a lot super duper much. understanding when im unwell. good with physical affection. uhm idk

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

oh gods. okay. uhm. wow. so uh. whvsoabdisjdbsbjqbfisbfkabdjendifdh. so it was late october 2020 and we were having a sleepover at my house (yes ik we were being bad abt the lockdown, its been years shush) and uh i forget how it started or like what we were talking about beforehand but we were on my bedoom floor on the mattress i got for her and my mom and sister were asleep already i think cus it was like past midnight and uh. idrk. we were goofing around and nervous and we had some gum first and then idk?? got it over with?? her lips were so soft. and. afterwards she started talking about fish (she loves fish), specifically big mouth billy bass, yknow the one that moves and sings?? look it up. anyway it was great but i dont think she really cares anymore. its ok

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

I LOVE CHOCOLATE!!!!

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

i havent seen the second so the first

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

gods i hope not but. fuck. maybe. haaahhh

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping soon i thibk. i will i promise...

122. Is cheating ever okay?

my go to thought for this question is about tests and yes. but for relationships no. just communicate whatever your problem is or break up. its not worth the alternative.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i dont remember. i barely remember anything ever. sorry </3

148. What’s your favourite quote?

i have a list on discord but. can i judt do the minecraft end poem? "and the universe said i love you because you are love". hey fun fact that's my senior quote

[videostak]

ya theyre leaving at like 10 rn i am not going to that 6am swap meet. fuck my life ugh... like obv gonna be waken in the middle of the night when they get back ._. srsly can they be considerate of my life for fucking once. like knowing that i do this for work and is my only source of money and then to do something like that on a total whim and try to downplay how it will affect my sleep and morning tomorrow is srlsy making me so pissed.. like the amount of effort i and to an extent my sister will go to to be considerate of others just to have her do shit like this is so infuriating. like literally my job for a record store that needs inventory desperately and i cant fucking go cause of my asshole inconsiderate mom. reaaaaallly great. i mean best case scenario i can drive up to the estate sale tahts supposed to be at 8. id have to leave at liiiike idk 6:30. so probably not that too. should try to go to the other 8:00 swap meet too or the yard sale but starting to feel real uncomfortable abt going to the swap meet cause of all the stuff around that. so annoying for me to plan all this out just for her to shit all over it cause she wants an excuse to get drunk and trauma dump to her cousin and make to put her cousin in a super awkward weird position. sucha  genuinely awful person ugh.... i mean idk i should goo tomorrow but like really dont kno if ill be able to get up in time. idk i think ill still push rly hard ill try to get a coffee tomorrow at mcdonalds and stuf but like idk just so fucking annoyed rn like dude this is literally my job right now that A LOT of things are riding on have some fucking respect and learn when ur making things much more difficult for ppl. what annoys me so much is when i told her that i wouldnt be able to go tomorrow if she went out as late as shes planning to she just tried to go supportingly “ok we’re gonna go at 10 and tomorrow u can go wherever u want and dont worry about it :)” while just ignoring what i said. lol. something abt idk if all parents are like this or if most are but like that level of being so in denial abt everything that u just respond to any attempt at talking things out with this very fake positivity vibe is so awful. like she does it so much whenever something comes up thats a problem and its so annoying. she did it thursday too when i wasnt sure if i was gonna be able to go cause of my dads dog and she ignored what we said and cut us off and went dont worry ill handle it all :) even tho it was like not even clear what she would be “handling” cause she just wanted to get us to stop talking abt it.  like not even aware of how my dad lets the dog in without warning and how the cats and the dog need to be watched cause he’ll start playing rough. like idk what to even do when ppl genuinely just do not listen to anything u tell them at all. theres no reason for me to tell her something before hand cause she’ll just do whatever the fuck she originally intended to and then try to “discuss” it or apologize after even if youve already had a what u thought was productive conversation days before abt it. like on the first weekend i drove to the swap meet i had told her before i was gonna let the dogs in the back right i went to let her kno beforehand and she agreed there was no argument no even hint at there being a disagreement so i thought things were good and then when i actually was gonna leave she was like no dont let them out theyll bark its too early and i had to get my sister to get her to agree to let them out. like srlsy sooo annoying same thing happens A LOT when having to schedule things shell be in complete agreeance and then when the time comes to do smthn she will like bring up something out of nowhere that she def knew b4 hand  but was just waiting to bring up last second. like she’ll say we should schedule smthn for the vet on a day and then reveal that the vets actually closed that day when that day actually comes etc. or will lie and say it is. like i need to take the cats to the vet soon cause cassettes worms are still present and dendy needs to get neutered and she said she’d call monday even tho its smthn shes already been lagging on for a long time so im just like waiting to see what excuse she’ll bring up then or if she actually does intend to call. like she could bring up an excuse or just spend the whole day in her room and ignore it when i bring it up. ughhh well i will try to go tomorrow i think. i mean im gonna shave and shower just incase i do. i dont think ill wear shorts tho not rly feeling it atm since i could be nervous if i do go to the yard sale. but willl rly have to see

[sunmoonjune]

OKAY I WENT TO SLEEP WITH A SMILE N WOKE UP WITH A GIGGLE N WNET ABOUT WORK WITH A SKIP AND DROVE HOME W A LIL CHANT ☺️ bug 🥰 bug 🕺 bug 🙌 bug 💃 bug 🤗 KNOWING LTM HAD BEEN UPDATED HEHE

finally managed to wait until i had finished work to snuggle into bed and read and asdfgh ONE WORD INTO THE CHAPTER AND IM ALR SCREAMING OFC BUGS GONNA REQUEST FOR SAN I-

hj using bug's language to thank wy for bringing them both back home safe bestboi!hongjoong 🫶 and the fact that bug made a sign for 'home' but never drew it again after creating it bc she never had a place to call home but now she's signing it again and again for hj to know what a damn good leader he is hNNG

also sry i know it's a rly cute and touching scene when bug appoints yeosang to five taps but im also cackling imagining her fingers tapping rapid fire like eight times if she keeps naming the rest of ateez the same way HAHAHA bug's hand be like: 🫳👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 not me quadruple checking i had the correct number of finger emojis

peep the results of moonie's ✨research✨ to describe how san smells im kicking my feet uGH sanbug are FINALLY reunited in the softest way possible 'my san' and 'my bug' PLSSSSS

also HONEY ?? LOVE ?? BABY ?? DARLIGN? ? sWEEt GIRL ? moonie really slapping us left right up down front n back with the pet names. but nothing beats yunho calling bug anything related to little or tiny - im so biased for yunho and size differences 🥹

BUG REMOVING HER MASK AND THE TOWEL THE AMOUNT OF TRUST AND VULNERABILITY SHE IS SHOWING TO YUNHO IM SO PROUD OF HER Omg MG and then THE LAST SENTENCE ???????? THAT AINT FEEDING US BREADCRUMBS TO HER PAST THATS MORE LIKE A WHOLE ASS LOAF OMG i cant wait for you to slowly reveal more and more of bug's history

this whole chapter makes me want to punch a wall and sprint a marathon just so i can feel human again bc im a bumbling soft mess of goo and feels rn nobody touch me 🫠🫣🤧

everybody say 📢thank u moonie📢 for blessing us with such a long chapter and for all your hard work!! okay now excuse me whilst i go and reread ch 1-15 again 🫡

FOWFWIMFOENURG I'M CRYING I love messages like this!!! send me your reviews send me every thought you have about the chapter!!! I love love love it!! <333

hehehehe I too chant bug! bug <33 bug<3 (tbh this is san LMAO)

hongjoong used bug's language talking to wooyoung so instinctually I don't even know if he realized :')) it's just so natural to him now <3 bestboi! hongjoong indeed!! also might I add,,, the fact that yunho taught hongjoong the sign for 'home' even though bug had never used it,,, almost as if he knew that one day she might... :'))

also LMAO yeah I see it xD you really have to pay attention like,,, wait do it again I think I miss counted, how many times was that?? I think after yeosang the names will have different touches since after five it's going to get complicated xD I might throw in some other shapes at some point haha

SANBUG REUNION!!! 'my san' -- 'my bug' I was crying screaming throwing up writing that I swear <33 made myself so emotional I could cry

(also totally irrelevant,,, but I made my mom cry when I was explaining the meaning behind all of the boy's symbols earlier :') I was so excited that I just started talking about them to see if they made sense and seonghwa's made her cry :"D she thought it was so freaking sweet what he said about being reborn as a universe <33 like yeah I'm in love with seonghwa too xD )

the nicknames!! I really said ateez loves bug and what about it?? xD gosh san nearly outright admitted it and bug is like,,, he cares about me??? me?? huh?

bug took off her mask!! for the first time without needing to!! she loves yun so much <33 their trust in each other is insurmountable I swear I'm gonna cry -- the last line tho,, there will be more on that soon too D": it truly was a loaf size breadcrumb of her past, our poor bug <3

I'm so so so happy you enjoyed the chapter!!! thank you so so much my dear <33 I adored your commentary hehe thank you again <33

[dear-tumby]

just got out of a manic episode lol

yeah so im depressed now, no longer depresion haha funnys more like depresion no hahas and im pretty sure im scaring off my boyfriend so yeah, he stopped talking/hanging out with me when i was being honest about my feelings, like i was there when he relasped but i start talking my crazy shit and then suddenly mental illness is off the table??? whatever its not even like i like him or nothing like that. i dont understand why i do this to myself, this is just turning into a rant but ive been holding this down for so long it feels good to scream it out into the void that is tumblr yk? also like i drew on cut marks because it hurts less plus i can just wash that off, yk i do that a lot i put on makeup that made me look like i commeted suicide bc i was sad and suicidle(who would have gussed???) plus i just found this collage i really want to go to but no one belives i can do it and i act like that makes me wanna do it more but really it just shows how much people belive imma be a no body and im so scared im going to be suck here forever like my mom and dad. why does life have to be such a bitch like why do i always gotta screw up everything???? lke i have two boyfriends that care about me yet i want to date this girl thats never gonna love me back?? and when i say love i mean i actually love her so much and i cant talk about it because shell find out that im totally in love with her and shell flip out and distance herself from me and i need her shes my everything and if i don't have her in my life even just as a friend i think i need to switch schools again because that's what i always do, when shit gets rough go and hide because i cant handle all this shit and my parents are finally in a good place (mentally) and im gonna screw it up for them because ill stress them out by ignoring everyone and sleeping through meals and holidays and they'll yell at me because they don't understand and i don't blame them im a mess filled with self pity and gross tindencys so i cant have anyone love me truly because im so gross and i just want the felling of everything to stop, like i want to be so fucking happy that everyone thinks on on drugs, which i was on anti anxiety pills but then i felt nothing so i cut myself bu my dumbass was wearing white pants and my mom found out and yelled at me, and screamed and woke everyone up and my sibling still reminds me about it and every time he does i want to hold him down and beat the shit out of him, like does he even take my mental illness serously, does anyone??? are my parents just pretending to give a shit, at least my mom is, my dad cares for me but he just never says the right things, and i forgive him but i just want nothing to go wrong for once i just want everyone to stop. stop talking to me, stop trying to help but also ignoring my despreat cries for help doesn't make me feel any better and also i don't want to be lied toi want the truth even if it would hurt me yk? i don't know what i want, but i know it'd make me feel safe and happy and no long like everyone's trying to get me, i just want to have someone who'd look at all different sides of me and go "wow their awesome, and sure they do stuff i disagree with but there a good person who's gonna make it big and ill stand with them through thick and thin and its okay they have issues we all do and love every flaw" like im sure my boyfriend would say this but i don't want him to say it i want it shown i want to see and trust i can tell them anything and they'd stick around.

tldr: i was origanally posting this so everyone would know i didnt commet suicide but then it turned into a rant so, yah sorry, uh i read a really good south park fanfic so thats something good that happened, though it reminded me alot of me and me is my enemy rn so i was really angry but in a healthy good way, also thought my dad died but thats justsum good ol paranoia also sorry for all the typos, did ths on my computer at like 11:55 so im kinda half asleep

[forestryfae]

holy fucking shit is it possible to get more self centered. holy shit.

stepmom called at like 22:30 the first time. didnt answer. clear sign to not fucking call again id say given most normal people are asleep by now. called again like ten minutes later and i thought well maybe its an emergency. surely shes not stupid enough to call twice in the evening around most peoples bedtime. <--- said by someone who was once called by her 7 times in half an hour and all they wanted was either a chat or they bought me a lamp at ikea idfr

nope. shes chatting away and shit asking where i am, whether i want to celebrate christmas with them, fully expecting me to let them help me when i move into an apartment.

first of all lmao wtf. im not asking them for fucking help moving my shit, if i did theyd go to sweden that exact day and be like "oh were in sweden right now but we can come by later :)" like they did when we asked them to maybe come help w the house. dad was tasked with contacting a lawyer for me once too, he promised hed do it he knew how horrible i had it and when we got to the meeting w my support team he told me he hadnt done it. 2 months i waited and he just hadnt bothered. btw i got really sick a few days later. fever, exhaustion, the whole thing.

and then shes like "it must be so nice to have your legal guardian and finally have someone who gets stuff done" yeah well dad was useless and mom was actively hindering me from talking to a lawyer and you and dad knew how bad it was but you didnt do shit to help so. thanks for that ig.

btw letting me stay for a week during christmas does not count. i really want to say im grateful but rn i dont feel grateful. im pissed. they knew how bad it was and did fucking nothing. i talked about how bad it was and they did nothing but try to talk down how bad it was, atleast dad. sure, stepmom defended me sometimes but having my dad say the shit he did and acting like it was no big deal living alone in a rotten cold house w two cats while i was severely depressed and utterly isolated and only helping if he felt like it. holy fucking shit. yeah dude atleast its getting taken care of i fuvking guess. being a parent doesnt stop when your kid turns 18 and if you marry a dude w kids you cant just. not talk to the kids if it doesnt suit you

and shes asking for all this info about where i am and so on and i just gotta lie. i dont wanna have to argue with a grown ass woman at nearly 11 pm and tell her i straight up dont want them to know cus theyve been utterly useless at all times except like. two times. dad fixed some electrics and i got to stay for christmas and thats it. ive been driven home after shopping sure but whose fucking fault is it i dont have a license? could unsupportive parents who offer to help but dont ever let me drive be part of the problem? could the lack of legal help and effort be a part of the problem?

and obvs im answering in single words and the occasional sentences cus im fucking annoyed and trying not to be rude but shes chatting away about shit she has no business knowing or getting involved in at almost 11 pm. so the call ends w her asking if im sad cus i "sound so sad" like no im not sad. tell her im not sad. she said something afterwards i dont remember but i did wind up saying that "well its kind of really late to call someone at 10:30 in the evening" and she starts. going on about how she just really missed me and missed talking to me and at this point internally im just fuming. she called that late at night just to chat? is she fucking stupid?

like its not bad enough the only times i ever get called is when theyre bored in the car and need entertainment so i have to sit there listening to my own voice echo out of their handsfree while the mic is garbling their voices so bad i can barely tell wtf theyre saying over the sound of traffic. and now shes calling in the middle of the night tol cus her emotional need is too important to let people sleep

[4r0rua]

Ive been so depressed lately its insane.

I feel bad, i was so much smaller when me and my bf got together and ive let myself go. Its unfair to him. If im not gonna get smaller for myself i need to get smaller for him.

Also my mom has been accidentally making me feel worse. The last 2 times ive seen her shes talked about how my little sisters have lost weight. I cant help but feel like shes trying to make me feel like shit. I refuse to be the biggest in my family.

I cleaned my room so im feeling alot more motivated in life. Unfortunately yesterday i fucked my sleep schedule is just fixed and woke up today at like 1am. Its ok tho rn ive only drank water so its a good way to start. Im gonna pop my vitamins and begin my f@st.

Since my binge 3d has been back im gonna just try to make it to 12 hours, eat maybe like 300-400 cxls and then f@st for 24 hours.

I need to finish off my chai tmmrw tho so i can go back to strictly green tea.

Im so exhausted and tired of binging. Ive lost almost all progress ive made. I need to find a way to distract myself. I need melatonin so i can just sleep. Im gonna make a post ab things to do instead of eat. At this point my binge 3d is back to how it was years ago before i fixed it. Ive overcame my bul1m1@ so ive been just digesting all the insane amounts of c@ls.

Ive always had the idea to make a fitness page known either tiktok or YouTube, issue is id have to pretend to be healthy while r3str1ct1ng.. itd keep me busy and id be forced to stick to it. Itd also be a great way to deter my family and friends from suspecting @n@ to be back. The absolute dream wld be some clout and get the brand deals for the diet tea and shit haha. Idk i probably wont as that would include showing my body off to the internet and im terrified of that.. also id probably get canceled 💀 especially if my 3d were to be found out. Idk i managed to hide my 3d from everyone before 😭😭.

Im feeling alot better after thping on here, im gonna maybe make some more posts, scroll thru my tags and then read idk.

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[momiamtired]

i tremble and panic when remembering what my life will be. im scared and lonely and i dont want anything else, just to see my family and home. for some reason i feel like in mt first days here, and even then it wasnt that bad. im afraid of the idea that i have to get used to this. i don t find living in the apartments and going to work that scary but still just understanding of how life plays with me makes me feel misserable. oh how i wish i never looked up this university in google, when i was lying in my warm bed at the winter, excited, because i found western university that will bring me to my dreams and actually is afordable for my family. i feel so stupid and im so sorry dad i am you spend so much money on me and im not even grateful. this fucker oh fuck he asks if 2 pm is okay for me. i dont think any pm is okay for me. i think tomorrow will be horrible. i dont think he thinks of me in a romantic way, he has some chicks name in his user name sticker. i fucking hate him. but i wish he could comfort me. he probably doesnt care in the slightest ab me. for some reason i kinda feel like omori? is this a strange reference idk. well omori song just started playing so i thought of it. i feel like i dont really should be in this world. i want to come back to what it used to be. i guess a lot of people think about the same things but uh yeah. i guess tomorrows gonna be awful. i really dont want to see him espercially this early but i have to get out of the house, it will fucking eat me alive. i must have studied a lot today but ima lazy ass and cryed all day. i hate that the idea of crying is so normalized today. its like oooh i cried because of this dead pigeon!! wtf no i believe tears are not for this. people cry when they experience strong emotions. my other roommate is singing songs in the shower god i hate her. its 9 pm btw. she screams like a pig. sometimes she is nice and i truly believe she is a nice person. i still hate her and would like to see her dead. but no right now. im not that angry right now. when i think of my mom i start to cry. i miss her so much. it was always like this when i was a kid, i would always cry when i was at sleepovers. i dont know why, its a strange feeling. it is reallt strange. when im okay i dont even want to talk to her, its like i dont have a lot of stimuli to do so? but when i feel bad the only oerson i want to call is her. i guess shes the only one who i believe would reallt care. not even my best friend who i would always call the best person in my life. im just a bad person. when she tells me that something happened to her im always kinda happy it happened. its not always like this but sometimes i feel like oh lol ye u deserved it bc there is enough good in ur life. im just an awful always jelous person. i guess world would be a better place without people like me. people like me are the people who shoot schools. i would be happier if it uh fuck again its like when u remembering something like just spontaneus and u immediately start to cry and tremble and like idk feel bad? i feel so so so homesick. i didnt feel that homesick at the start and here i am after 3 months here. i really love my parents and actually my home i am so sorry that i never told anyone this or idk oh god im so so sorry i never respected never understood. i guess its just that im homesick and my home isnt that good but tbh i cant of a thing better rn than my home. fuck any other place. fuck heaven. i just wish i could my cat and my mom sitting and talking loud at 7 am when the sun is rising with her mom and she will make me awake and i will go and ask her to be quiet really angryshly and she will go to her room and i will try to sleep again but now i cant so i smoke my vape and browse through tiktok, lying in underwear and some t shirt, then my cat will come to me and start meowing for me to play with him, i will annoignly play alittle bit with him and then proceed to do my every day morning chores. but summer in my country when u have friends is amazing. i mean my city. okay i will end now to mush words

[justcallmesakira]

tw: a quick vent cs i am fucking tired :3, lots of disturbing topics

Honesty i dont understand why i am breathing rn :D

Like maybe it was better if i hadent been born? i wish they aborted me honestly because no one would even care if i would dissapear for a day

Yeah no one! :D why? because i make myself so free to others that they only see me as the girl who helps everyone blah blah. If anything i sometimes wonder if i even have friends! Because i have to be the one coming up to them ALWAYS! just to converse so they dont gather in groups and talk shit abt me! hehe

Infact i dont know how many days i have left till i go jumping off a building! i am on my bedroom cold floor rn crying sobbing and whatever synonyms of weeping there is while typing this bcs i dont have the energy to write in my journal because my parents demotivated me so much by making my personal hobbies into studying and all i have 0 motivation to even breathe haha

I even choked on my water because of so much crying hahahah silly me

You know when i say i am fine/? I am not actually I have been sneaking to bathrooms to silently cry an overthing and have been overworking myself, starving myself and barely having any sleep!

I am far away from fine but will i lie so no one suspects me? Yup!

But maybe its my fault

Maybe my parents deserved a better daughter

Not someonen like me who cant even get a good diploma

Its definetly my fault that i am useless maybe if i worked a bit harder all these years i would have been someone better?

I really cant anymore like what do i ned to do to finally be accepted? I am good at nothing really i barely draw nowadays because my mom takes away my art supplies which i bought with my own money for months because ofmy exams so during that time i dont really have the energy to draw

I told myself i would journal everyday but after my mom told how ugly and shit my writing is and that i should stop writing abt my health and day and write about actual study type stuff

But ig its fr my own good,,journaling used to help me alot but now my fingers feel too numb :)

She even read my writing...I am happy she didnt read the part where i talk about how i am was continuosly banging my head against my kneecap because the concrete on my wall was too painfull and that i am starving myself to become skinnier nowadays and i cant hav great amount of sleep too

Hehe i guess i kindaof perform s/a

I want to write more things boggling in my mind because i ant stop crying, tears are continuoing to spill on my screen and i am trying my best not scream because if my mom hears it she will be mad

I dont want my mom to be mad it hurts me really tho she hurts me a bit more...still

Err anyways maybe i am being drmatic? idk i dont care anymore because i have been having a bit too much of suicidal thoughts

hehe:3

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[blackvail22]

i cannot help but become irritated when im near her. i know that is a toxic thing to say; i know its unhealthy for me. it just... happens

i tried to have a good day today because i was going out with my sister and b-i-l for my birthday and eating later with my whole immediate family. i did have fun! we bowled for 2hrs, went to a japanese bakery and got my birthday cake n some more treats, and i went to get milk tea.

everything was fine until i was near my mom.

i dont know what it is about her, but whenever im away from her for hours n i come back home, it just.... i just get so irritated.

i try to not talk so i dont get her irritated, but that always makes her go "aww, is someone mad?" or "why are you so pissed off for no reason" or gives me a look that shows shes seeing red.

on the way home from dinner, my parents were talking about a house that someone moved out of; they each gave different addresses for the house. my mom *insisted* she was correct, and--even though my dad literally said he may be wrong n doesnt rlly care abt the address--kept arguing that my dad was wrong and upset.

one thing abt my mom that i despise: EVERY SINGLE TIME you "irritate her soul" she will rant abt how much she hates you and at the end WITHOUT FAIL says "fucking trash bag bitch". what comes after that depends on the person... for me she'll say "fucking trash bag bitch, youre so fucking [r slur]" and for my dad she'll say "fucking trash bag bitch, child molesting mother fucker". there is one thats universal though which is "fucking trash bag bitch, i hope you fucking die"

oh! another thing abt that, SHE WILL LITERALLY SAY THAT ABT RANDOM PPL SHE SEES ON THE STREET AND ARE MINDING THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS

anyway, back to my story! while she was arguing w my dad (after telling me theyre not arguing) she said her signature line i stated above.

my dad went into the gas station after she said that to him and heres where i come in!

she was ranting to me "your dad get so upset over every little thing"

i said "well, you do that too"

she said "no he's just mad cuz he's wrong....he never fucking listens..."

*dad comes back to the car with 3 cigarette packs instead of 2 (my dad went into the gas station 4 my mom)*

"...again, he never fucking listens! he just hears what he wants to hear"

"yeah, i dont rlly want to listen to you rn. plus, all you said was 'cigarettes' you didnt say an amount"

"yes i did! i said '2 cigarettes'"

me: "no u only said 'cigarettes'"

mom: "dad, why are you mad?"

"because you keep going on abt something that doesnt matter to me!"

"no, its because youre wrong. youre all mad because youre wrong"

"no im not!"

*i look at the house through maps and tell them the correct address*

mom: "[my first name] shut the fuck up before you become homeless because youre getting real close"

dad: "stop fucking saying that! youre not kicking my daughter outm regardless, shes never gonna be fucking homeless"

*we get home*

dad: "i forgot to get smth to drink because of you"

mom: "yeah, you can get one of those little bottles [of alcohol] like you do every night" (my dad is a recovered alcoholic)

i told her she was irritating 🧍

she said "move tf out then"

i said "im trying to" (because i am)

im sitting in my room now wanting to scream, cry, fight. i feel so fucking .... tense. i feel tense. im so tired of having to deal with my mom. as much as living w a man by myself (even my dad) scared tf out of me, im so tempted to move into his tiny ass apartment and sleep in the living room. i cant live her anymore!!!

me n my friend have been talking abt getting an apartment/go apartment searching after i recover from my procedure that im having next week.

i need to room w her. i need to live w someone that doesnt fucking hate me! i need to save up every paycheck im having. even tho i go on a vacation end-october, im moving out and im going low-contact w my mom. i cannot deal w her anymore. i will get my license in a month/month-half time. im determined. i need to do anything to get away from her