#and after just three days of this multiple are coming back bc pain is the only way i can think of that can maybe get me to calm down quickly

[gaystardykeco]

need to go home rn actually i cannot be on this trip anymore. like at least when i reach a breaking point at home i have an apartment alone to break down in and regulate myself until im okay enough, there's just no way to do that here at all

[moonstruckme]

hiiiiiiiii mae <3 i have an idea for thawing out series. what about if reader has a 'moment' w one of them and the other boy gets slightly cranky bc of it but then is also confused bc he doesn't know if he wants r or the other boy.........and then EPIPHANY 😈

Thanks for your request! The mood of it got altered some but I hope you like it :)

collab with @ellecdc

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 | part 12

cw: modern au, chronic pain, some hurt w/o comfort but dw we'll fix it down the line

poly!wolfstar x fem!reader ♡ 2.6k words

“Pads!” Remus shouts across the ice. “Focus!”

Sirius’ cheeks pinken slightly as he tears his stare away from the Russian soloist practicing her quads. You laugh and say something to him that makes him pinch your waist meanly, as if you’ve been acting any better. 

You and Sirius are completely starstruck. Remus wants to be irritated at your distractibility, but it’s sort of adorable. You nearly fall on your bum watching the Austrian team run drills, Sirius is too busy eye-flirting with a Swedish skater to remember he’s supposed to be going into a turn, and you both stop your routine entirely when the Canadian duo steps out onto the ice. 

You and Sirius draw plenty of stares yourselves, though naturally only Sirius appears to notice. He shoots a wink at a skater admiring him and a glare at another looking too closely at you, his hand possessively on your lower back anytime you’re not running your routine. 

Altogether it means you have to spend a couple of extra hours learning to work through this specific brand of stage fright and running your drills again after you all get your heads turned multiple times, but Remus lets it slide. He remembers being just as dazzled during his first Olympics, seventeen years old and feeling like he’d somehow snuck into the hall of fame, an imposter among legends. 

Part of him hopes that the embarrassment of having to do a half-ass death spiral in front of so many professionals will make Sirius finally go all the way, but no such luck. He keeps you firmly above where you ought to be, expression impassive even as Remus can see you pleading with him with your eyes. Still, the rest of the routine goes well, and Remus tries not to let it get under his skin. He hopes you’re right and Sirius really will pull through in the final hour; your faith in your partner is absolute, and Remus finds it easy to put his faith in you. 

He lets you loose to spend the afternoon as you’d like, but it comes as no surprise when he sees you both on the ice again. Remus knows you’ve likely got plenty of nerves to work off. It’s one thing to compete in your home country, another entirely to represent your home country while competing amongst the best figure skaters in the world. He calls you off the ice before one of you can overexert yourselves and pull something. Sirius swears up and down that his ankle hasn’t bothered him since the day after he hurt it, and Remus hasn’t seen anything to make him suspect differently, but he knows better than to take risks with a healing injury. You spend the rest of the afternoon playing cards and gambling for candies in Sirius’ room. 

Eventually you disperse to go to bed. Remus’ hip has been bothering him since the flight the previous day, so he goes on a walk to stretch it out. It’s odd, he thinks, how easy things have come to feel between the three of you. When he first arrived, Remus had every intention of setting up strict professional boundaries, of knowing you only as your coach and seeing you only during practice times. And then you started practicing together, and it seemed like his boundaries wouldn’t even be necessary. Sirius hated him, and besides that the two of you existed in a bubble no one could penetrate, intimate and trusting only each other. Now, after learning about what your former coach did to you, Remus understands why that was necessary. You were protecting each other, safeguarding your partnership and your careers. It would have made sense for you to keep Remus at more than an arm’s length, taking his coaching with grains of salt and keeping him well away from your private lives. 

But then there have been days like today. Still bickering with Sirius, still watching the two of you interact with a familiarity only years of history can grant, but feeling warm and welcome despite it all. It feels easy, to tease Sirius and let him snipe back. To let you lean your shoulder into his and not move away. It feels good. 

Remus’ hip is feeling fairly good too by the time he gets back, sore from the exercise but not so stiff. As he makes his way to his room, passing Sirius’ and then yours on the way, he sees light sneaking through the crack underneath your door. 

He frowns. It’s late, and you’re meant to practice again early tomorrow morning, your last day of practice before you compete. You should be well rested. As he approaches your door, he hears sound coming from inside. Low, crackling voices, and a song that tugs at the fringes of his memory. Then a sound he knows too well, the shushing of skates on ice.

Remus knocks. The door is thin enough that he hears your little gasp and a quiet snap, and when you say “come in,” it sounds like a question. 

He suppresses a smile, opening your door cautiously in case you didn’t really mean it. 

You’re sitting on your bed, one hand atop your shut laptop. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” he says, leaning against the doorway. “It’s late.” 

“I know.” You look almost shy. Between that and the pajamas you have on, plaid little shorts and a bulky sweatshirt, Remus has the urge to pinch your chin between his fingers. “Sorry, I was just watching some, um…”

“Figure skating videos.” Your lips part, and he says, “I could hear them from outside.” 

“Oh.” You laugh. It’s a nice sound, one Remus can happily say he’s come to know well, but this one is woven through with nerves. “That’s embarrassing.” 

“Why is it embarrassing?” he asks honestly. “It’s normal to want to study your competition. And they’re fun, I still watch them all of the time.” 

“It’s not…” You give him a tentative look, then scoot over on your bed. “Do you want to see?” 

Remus can’t imagine you’re watching anything he hasn’t seen a million times, but he is curious which are your favorites. He’s careful to sit on top of your covers, a few inches between your leg and his. The bed doesn’t allow for anything more. 

“Fuck, did they really have to go back to making them out of cardboard?” 

That gets another nervous laugh out of you as you open your laptop screen, playing the video. And Remus knows then where he’s heard the music before. It’s his music. You’re watching his old routine, a niche one from a small competition back in Wales. Remus was fourteen when this was filmed. 

He glances at you, and you’re watching the video with your bottom lip trapped between your teeth, the colors of the screen dancing across your eyes. 

“I’ve always admired how tight your form was,” you say. “You were so young, but it was obvious you were putting the work in.” 

“I practiced a lot,” Remus agrees. “Too much, really.” 

The nostalgia he feels for figure skating is bittersweet when he watches videos like this. He remembers spending all his time in the rink, every hour he wasn’t in school or at home, nothing spared for friends or hobbies. He did love it, but in loving it he forgot to build a life outside of it. Life was constant motion, training and competitions and awards whirling around him like the rink during a spin; by the time he had his accident anyone that might have been his friend had their own friends, and Remus realized he may have been lonely for years. 

“I’m really glad you agreed to coach us.” You’re still watching the video, young Remus doing a camel spin. “You’ve made us a lot better, both of us. I know Sirius is going to end up fixing the spiral, and I’m going to try my best, and…I really hope we can make you proud.” 

“You will,” Remus says, instead of you already do. It feels wrong to take any credit for how incredible you are, either one of you, but that is what he feels when he sees you out on the ice. Proud. He looks at you carefully. “You’ve seemed wound pretty tightly lately.” 

Your eyes drop, no longer looking at young Remus but not at the older one either. 

“It’s alright to be nervous,” he says gently, “so long as you know that you deserve to be here. You’re going to do great.” 

You rub your lips together. “Were you nervous during your Olympics? Is it okay for you to talk about?” 

“Yeah,” Remus says, a bit surprised, “it’s fine. I was nervous. I was…” he chuckles “I was freaking out, honestly. But when I got out there, it was really just like any rink. The music and the routine were the same, so I just let myself get lost in it. I almost forgot where I was until it was over, and people were waving flags at me and all that from the stands.” He feels his lips curve with the memory. Bumps your shoulder lightly with his. “It’s not so bad. Anyway, I think it’s got to be better to go through it with someone else. I was on my own, but you’ll have Sirius with you.” 

You give him a little sideways smile. “And you, right?” 

A fond warmth blooms in Remus’ chest. “And me.” 

“Has it been difficult for you to coach us?” you ask him tentatively. “I mean, to come back?” 

Remus takes a deep breath. “Yeah,” he says after a minute. “At first, it really was. I’m not proud of it, and I don’t think I really knew it at the time, but I was jealous of both of you. Anytime you did something differently than I would have, I got so frustrated that you were throwing away these opportunities I would kill to have again. It was easy to look at either one of you and wish I was in your place.” 

You’re nodding, not a trace of hurt or offense in your expression. You look at him like you understand. 

“But that stopped a long time ago,” he says. “After I worked with you for longer, it became clear you’re both very different skaters than I was.” You huff a laugh, and Remus nudges your shoulder admonishingly. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think early on I wasn’t a very good coach to you because I couldn’t see your individual strengths. But now I think I can, and it’s really a privilege to watch you skate together. It’s lovely. And I’ve loved getting to know you and Sirius, too. So, yeah, it was difficult at first, but I’m really glad I came on. And I’m glad you were patient enough to let me stay.” 

That got a bit more earnest than he intended. Remus feels heat rise to his face, but you’re still nodding, thoughtful, like you’re trying to wrap your head around it. He sees you rub your lips together again. 

“I really want to do well,” you say softly, “but I’m not the skater Sirius is. I don’t have his natural talent, and I don’t flourish under pressure the way he does. I—that’s usually when I mess up.” Remus’ chest aches at the vulnerability in your voice, his hand moving unconsciously to cover yours on the bed. Some of the tension goes out of you at the touch. “I’ve tried my whole life to keep up with him, but I’m never quite there, and you guys, you’ve both been these incredible, talented skaters…” Your eyes meet his, timid and ashamed. “I’m afraid I’m going to let you both down.” 

“Are you kidding?” You drop your gaze, and a surprised little laugh trips off Remus’ tongue as he ducks his head to follow, holding your hand more securely. “I’m sorry, that was rash, but really. How can you think that? You’re one of the most talented skaters I’ve ever seen.” 

You’re still avoiding his gaze. He takes your chin in his hand, gentle, an encouragement more than anything, but you let him turn you towards him. 

“I don’t care how much of it comes from natural aptitude,” he says firmly. “You’re an incredible skater. Even when I didn’t know you at all, it was obvious that you care about this more than Sirius or I likely ever have. That’s important. You can see it in how hard you train, and in how you move on the ice.” Remus shakes his head, expelling a breath. “It’s mesmerizing. You’re beautiful to watch.” 

You’re not shying away from him now, but Remus doesn’t let go of you. Your expression is wide open, diffident but curious. He goes on.

“The way you skate, it’s not just about the motions or the art of it, it’s joyous. Anyone can see how happy you are out there. That’s what makes you so good. You really love it.” 

“You did, too,” you murmur. 

His voice softens in kind. “I did. But not the way you do.” 

Your eyes lower, but this time he allows you it. Remus is suddenly acutely aware of your leg where it's pressed up against his, of his own heartbeat. He’s still holding your hand. 

You wet your lips. “Do you really mean all that?” 

“Why would I give you a whole speech I didn’t believe?” 

You crack a smile. “Some coaches call it a pep talk.” 

“You’re beautiful to watch,” he says again, voice dropping to a murmur as he realizes you’re staring at his lips. He breathes in, and the distance between you lessens. “You’re beautiful.” 

Remus knows he’s judged you rightly when your hand comes around his waist, pressing into the softness of his jumper to glean an impression of the skin underneath. You kiss like you skate, with a sweet eagerness, ready to explore and wanting to learn. Your lips part, inspiring a similar parting in Remus, and you let out a breath with a soft humming sound. 

Remus' nerves are alight underneath your hand on his side. He angles his torso to get you closer, free hand coasting up your thigh. Your fingers bunch in his jumper, kisses picking up heat as he lets his hand settle at the small of your back, an echo of how Sirius touched you this morning when—

Sirius. 

Remus draws away from you so suddenly he hears you gasp. He still has your face in his hand, can feel the flustered warmth of it before he removes that too, putting distance between you. 

“Sorry.” His voice is hoarse. Guilt burns in the back of his throat. “Sorry, it’s not you. I just, I—”

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. 

“I didn’t think that through.” He can feel his heartbeat in his mouth. Sirius is in love with you. Remus is only just starting to feel like a part of your team, but this could send you all back in time. Kissing one of his skaters, who the other is in love with? His stomach hurts. “I’m your coach, and you—we have a big competition coming up. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

He edges off your bed, looking at you while he does. Your lips are still parted, eyes wide. 

“It was a really shit idea,” he says, “and I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.” 

You rub your lips together. Remus feels it like you’re still moving them against his own. “It’s fine,” you say on a breath. “We can forget it.” 

“I’m so sorry,” he says again. 

“It’s okay.” You’re shaking your head, and he’s backing away, both of you like deer caught in headlights. “You’re right, it was silly. We’re professionals, we can get past it.” 

Remus feels himself nodding, feels the handle of your door in his hand. 

“Practice in the morning?” you ask weakly. 

He pushes out a breath as he opens the door. “Yeah. Six thirty.”

[concretepuppy]

hope does the erectile implant work? i always thought of like... a button or smth lol.

there are three types. i have the AMS Ambicor two-piece hybrid system (the newest of three. AMS is the brand, Ambicor is the model). all options will need to be replaced eventually. *theoretically* they could last forever, but because theyre mechanical devices that are getting a lot of friction, and in the case of phallo penises supporting something relatively heavy (phallo penises are significantly heavier than natal penises bc natal penises are mostly erectile tissue, which is spongy and light, but phallo penises are mostly subcutaneous fat or muscle, which is denser) so eventually they wear out or break. luckily unless the break is the result of trauma and caused any of the stuff inside the silicone to break the silicone or the device somehow breaks through your skin, it’s not dangerous to have a non-functioning device in your body. all three options are attached to your pelvic bone using titanium sutures. the small amount of metal will not set off body scanners/meta detectors and are all safe for MRI machines, and you’re given a patient info card to show when it’s relevant.

the types are:

1. Semi-rigid rod. exactly what it says on the tin. it’s a rod of ball-and-socket joints covered in silicone. the rod is always semi-rigid and does not get more or less hard. you bend it up (at a 90° angle to your body) for sex, and bend it back down for daily use. this option lasts the longest bc there’s less mechanical parts. i know two people who have had it, and both are satisfied, though one says he sometimes has difficulty topping anally if the bottom is a virgin or rarely bottoms anally. in cis men (who are the only population who have any studies wrt erectile implants, so they’ll be the comparison i use) this typically needs replaced every 5-10 years. there are many different brand options

2. Inflatable. A hydraulic system where a “reservoir” of fluid in a bulb that is ovular like a testicle is connected to the cylinders implanted in your penis. there is a button on the reservoir you push multiple times to fill the cylinders with fluid to become erect, then press and hold the button to become flaccid. For phallo patients, the reservoir is typically placed on one side of the scrotum and the other side has a testicular implant, but the reservoir can be placed anywhere in the pelvic region, it’s just easiest to access in the scrotum. This needs replaced more often than the semi-rigid rod bc it has more moving parts, in cis men it generally needs to be replaced every 5-7 years. i’m not sure about brand options bc i never considered this option.

3. Hybrid. what I have. the only existing option afaik is the AMS Ambicor. it’s a hybrid of the other two. it is a semi-rigid device, though less rigid than the rod, so it still has a truly flaccid state. the reservoir is again typically placed in the scrotum. unlike the inflatable, there is no button on the reservoir. you squeeze the reservoir itself to fill the cylinders with fluid & become erect, then you bend your erect penis at a ~60° angle in the middle (it looks very painful but it’s not at all, it’s not even uncomfortable) to deflate it.

i had some issues with inflation/deflation when i first started cycling the device. my balls were still sore so squeezing the reservoir kind of hurt, so i wasnt inflating the device all the way, which made deflation difficult. but now that i dont have any post-op pain, the process is easy and painless and cycling the device (inflating and then deflating it right after. you have to inflate the device once a day to “keep the fluid moving” according to my surgeon, so if youre not having sex or jerking off you just do a quick cycle) takes like two minutes, if that. it typically needs replaced in cis men everg 5-7 years.

my surgeon, Dr. Geolani Dy, prefers the hybrid for phallo patients. it has less risk of erosion (the tip of the device coming out of your skin bc the skin gas eroded due to pressure/friction) than the rod bc it has a flaccid state, but it can handle more weight than the full inflatable and thus is better suited for phallo penises. with the inflatable option OHSU offers, the tip of that device is a bit more pointy than the hybrid, so it also has a higher erosion risk. not sure abt any other inflatable options. but all three options have their pros and cons! there are also external erectile devices. some DIY using two coban/vet wrap and two condoms to create rigidity (note: this is not “safe” as in “safe sex” bc the friction of two condoms means theyre likely to break, so should only be done with partners youre fluid-bonded with), but this really only works for PIV sex and personally i could never get it to work for me. there are companies that make external erectile devices, like the Elator or the Stays Hard. both were designed for natal penises so both companies recommend phallo patients email them and work with them on sizing to ensure a good fit. i never tried these options so i cant speak to how well they work.

[spacedustmantis]

*cough cough* *pulling up notes* *squinting at notes* *realising i don't have bad vision* *unsquinting at the notes* *reading the notes*

how does the life series work in the FUCK I FORGOT THE AU NAME THIS WAS ALLL FOR NAUGHT

i am so glad you asked!!

alright so. the series of events goes like this:

one day grian, as he so often does, gets bored

in his defense immortality gets boring quick and he's been doing this for a While

so, he descends onto a random planet, one that in grian's opinion could do with a little entertainment. he draws up the rules of this game he's planning, pays a carefully selected bunch of cold-hearted, skilled, desperate-for-money workers and has them build a huge fucking arena, kidnap the planet's best fighters, and work on this project full time once it gets rolling

amongst the workers are a few incredibly talented medics, people who, with the right tech, could bring you back from death's door

grian personally installs chips into every contestant's brain that activate as soon as the person is not yet dead, but good as, and then put the body in a temporary stasis, so that it may be transported beneath the arena and the medics can do their work to send them back up fully restored so they can join the fray once more

the whole event is recorded via multiple cameras following around every contestant, edited down into a thrilling reality tv show, and broadcasted weekly for a good few years, which is how long it takes for the game to come to its conclusion

naturally there are a few quirks to this game

every contestant originally gets three lives, three times they get to enjoy the experience of dying, but soon enough a few of them figure out how to hack the chips. they can't seem to alter their function whatsoever, but they do figure out how to change the number of lives the chip grants you, and they also figure out that if the system clocks too many (or too few) lives granted overall in comparison to how many deaths there have been in total, it sends alarm bells ringing. and so there is an underground life trading ring that forms about seven months into the fight

somewhere in the arena there is whispered to be a strange stone statue that, if you play your cards right, bestows gifts to those who complete the tasks it gives them

there is an illness spreading through the arena, like a common cold, just much more destructive. it is known as "red fever" to some, to others it's simply "the bloodlust"

occasionally, caused by apparently nothing at all except coincidence, or some weird glitch in the system, or what certain people might call fate, two contestants get bound together on a metaphysical level. they share pain and wounds and death. they share all the bad, and none of the good

the overarching story roughly follows 3rd life (mostly bc that season works best as a mechs style retelling), with monopoly mountain and dogwarts as the two main factions that crystallize after a few months, but small story elements of each season are dotted around the plot, like one man who managed to defeat all his enemies by taking advantage of the secret keepers boons and playing dirty, or a woman who ran in solitude with only the company of her wolves and who against all odds was the last one standing - until the man she was bound to blew himself up, and her with it.

ultimately two people survive (these people are not grian and scar, but are played by them on stage). and then one person survives. and then the winner of the life game throws himself off of a cliff

of course, grian is not the biggest fan of watching as other people slaughter each other while he sits and does nothing, so naturally he joins the fight. no one knows or would even guess that the scrawny guy who maybe likes explosions a touch too much could be the same individual as The Spectator, the mysterious figure who is behind running the Life Game, not even the staff that has been hired to set it all up. grian, alongside committing murder, also keeps an eye on the game's development as well as the numbers the show gets online.

after a few months he runs into joel, whom he knows is one of the fan favorites, and sticks with him for a while. after joel dies his final death - shot through the heart by scott - he mechanizes him, and, after discovering that mechanizing joel also mechanized the man he was bound to, takes him and etho back to the xisuma to join the crew.

[ethaninthewilde]

my experience with top surgery

with Dr. Lisa Friederich in Sydney, Australia

because i needed to write about this beautiful, ethereal experience, even though I do not think I can do it justice in words.

so i had pedicle top surgery with dr. lisa friederich at hunters' hill hospital three days ago and it went as amazing as I ever could have hoped. incredibly beautiful results that have me made me cry with happiness multiple times.

I went in at 8am, the surgery lasted about 4 hours and I woke up about two hours after. i was pretty wiped but my boyfriend was there when i woke up and he just kissed me and i went back to sleep. i woke up again about seven hours later, probably with a 2/10 pain, but that's as bad as my pain has been this whole time and i've been prescribed oxycodone to take as needed (no more than one per four hours) with panadol and that's worked wonders. the drains were attached and there was a little more fluid than i was expecting but that was okay. the nurse came in to take my blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels, and check my drains. i took some oxycodone and was asleep again in the next hour or so. woke up again around 4am feeling much more myself. managed to walk myself to the bathroom (a big thing for me post-major surgery since I really struggle to walk sometimes) and I saw my chest in the compression binder for the first time. i was so so happy with it being flat and i couldn't stop running my hands over the flat (flat! flat!!!!) surface and i took a lil video of myself and i truly think i will remember that moment forever as the most confident i have ever felt in my body--and i hadn't even seen my actual chest yet.

as euphoric as I was, I was still pretty tired so I went back to bed and called the nurse for some more endone bc I could feel the pain starting to come back. all the nurses that came in the two days I was in the hospital were truly so kind, and so competent and lovely. I did get deadnamed a few times, but I haven't legally changed my name yet so that's what was on my documents, and the nurses who did it all apologised and fixed it so that was wonderful. the nurse took my levels again--everything was fine--and i called my friends who were in different timezones and i cannot describe how it felt to sit with my friends who I'd been talking about getting top surgery with for nearly eight years and now it was just done and my god everything felt so beautiful and it's cliche but everything in life was worth it for these last few days post-op. i had been working toward this surgery for so so long, moved across the country for it, worked four jobs at 15 for it, been homeless for it, had the thought of eventually being able to get this surgery keep me alive for so long when i was alone, depressed, suicidal and self-loathing--and i had finally made it. i finally fucking made it. i was fucking beautiful and i had made it and i finally felt loveable. i finally felt like myself. trans joy is godhood. trans joy is lifesaving. i truly believe this surgery saved my life.

anyways!! i was awake for a few hours until about seven am when i went back to sleep until about 11. my boyfriend was coming to pick me up around 12 after he finished work so i called the nurse in to let her know and she gave me some more endone and removed my first drain. this felt very weird, like a tube was being pulled from the top of my chest through the side, almost alien-like, and i felt a little dizzy and lightheaded so the nurse put an oxygen mask on me and laid the bed down for about five - ten minutes until i felt better. she was really patient which was lovely because i get regular seizures and whenever i get dizzy I always get scared one is coming since it's a regular warning sign, but she just let me lie there with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing. at this point my boyfriend had turned up, and he held my hand whilst she took the other drain out, which had considerably less fluid in it.

i saw the surgeon again before I was discharged--and Dr. Lisa is genuinely one of the kindest, well-conducted doctors I have ever dealt with (and I have been in hospital over 35 times in the last 7 months or so). she replaced the top layer of clear dressing over my nipples, and worked a needle through them to de-congest some of the blood, which turned them back to the more-typical pink. she then gave me a fresh binder and gauze pads to take home, along with a box of oxycodone for the pain and told me to book a follow-up appointment with her in the next seven days. she also told me to do regular compressions of the nipple area to continue decongesting the blood over the next few days, which would help with the colour. now this was the moment because i got to take the binder off to do these compressions and i saw my chest for the first time. and truly, truly, truly--the innate, inherent holy shit, that's me feeling that fucking swept through was overwhelming i teared up and almost hugged my surgeon. i didn't have a lot of time to contemplate bc I had to put the binder back on and the nurse came back in with the paperwork and suddenly I was packing up (though they were very kind and said i could stay for as long as I wanted to, if I had any more questions, etc.)

boyfriend made me food when we got home and insisted I go to bed despite feeling completely fine if a bit tired still, so I did and we watched an episode of drag race. we're staying at his parents' place whilst i'm recovering and both of his parents are/used to be nurses so this was a reassurance if anything were to go wrong. i had soup for dinner that night which hurt my throat a little but the main issue is was the massive bruise on the inside of my lip from when i was intubated in surgery (which should go away in the next few days, but to me has honestly been the most frustrating part of this whole recovery). took some panadol and endone and did my compressions. taking off the binder and being able to look at my chest properly for the first time was the most tender moment of my entire life, with ethan whispering "you're so beautiful" and "baby, you made it" and "look at you, love, holy shit" into my ear and into my shoulder as i sat there, completely exposed, completely vulnerable, bandaged, and completely myself for the first time in my life. i think i spent about 45 minutes just going back and forth between him and the mirror, laughing and crying and laughing and just being so indescribably euphoric and overcome with it all. i'd finally made it. here, right now, even with all my unresolved medical issues and trauma and fears, i had everything i had ever wanted and it was real. it was REAL. i do not think i will ever feel that strong of a sense of peace and contentness again in my life. in that moment i felt unbreakable. in that moment i felt invincible, indestructible, fucking untouchable. i fucking made it, and no one could take that away from me. no one, nothing, ever. i had saved my life. i had saved my own life. i was here and i was real and i was finally myself. how do i explain this? i cannot keep repeating this but it seems the only way. lord, if only you could feel the godhood i have been given. the power i have in my hands. the power this body has.

it took me too long to realise how beautiful this trans body of mine is. but i am here now. i am never letting go.

dr. lisa friederich: i think you saved my life. thank you for bringing me back. thank you. thank you. thank you. i finally made it.

[i will add to this over the next few days, but right now i need to go back to sleep. i love you all]

[mandana-the-service-pup]

You guys. My blood pressure has been incredibly normal for 5 days. And I can hardly believe it but my heart rate hasn’t gone above 120s at all in the last couple days. I still have a lot of symptoms like fatigue, pain, etc but I’m so bewildered. I literally just woke up one day w/o POTS like what?!

Average Day VS Today

Over the last yr my daily average max HR has increased from 130-150s to 170-190s. In October & December I had three separate episodes that felt like a heart attack but ekg didn’t show a heart attack. Blood pressure has been 140/90 (daily high) with a max measured at 197/96. Then I just wake up one day and my heart rate is 50-120s and my blood pressure is consistently 110s/80s and it’s not show any signs of getting worse?!?!

Here is my current theory:

Back in like 2018 I was really struggling with a lot of things. Besides HR problems I was having issues with nocturia (TMI // waking up multiple times to pee at night). My dr at the time put me on fludrocortisone. It helped retain some of my blood volume which slightly improved some of my POTS symptoms and stopped the nocturia. I completely forgot I even had that symptom until October of this year when a Cardiologist took me off the fludrocortisone. Besides worsening my typical symptoms, the nocturnia immediately came back and no amount of management was helping.

On Jan 14th? 2023 I decided to use my service dogs red laser therapy jacket (Spectra Laser Therapy XL jacket) to help with my back pain. Long story short the vet recommended red laser therapy for a muscle strain in Mandanas back and it has helped her immensely. I thought maybe my EDS was causing my lower back to hurt at night, so on a whim I decided to sleep on top of the laser jacket (low lvl laser with programmed intervals meant to be used for hours at a time) to see if it would help. Not only did it help the back pain which I had expected but since that first night of using it the nocturia has been completely gone. I’ve been able to go 2-3 days without using it without the nocturia coming back and it seems like the more days I use it the more permanent the results are becoming and the longer I can go between uses. I’ve been using it on & off for two weeks and five days ago I noticed my blood pressure & heart rate have started to stabilize.

The tricky part is that due to a ruptured fibroid that could have caused the heart crisis in Oct-Dec I had to go on birth control (Slynd) to try to get my bleeding under control. I was on it for a couple months and just stopped taking it. I didn’t see any change in my blood pressure or heart rate when I started Slynd so I don’t know why stopping it would suddenly fix everything but I wanted to mention this bc I stopped taking it after the nocturnia was solved but about the time the blood pressure & heart rate got better. Because there are multiple variables I have no way of knowing if it’s the red laser therapy that has helped or if its some how related to the short course of birth control.

I’m not trying to claim some magical cure, but y’all have watched me struggle every day for almost three years on Tumblr. I cannot ignore this sudden turn of events simply bc it’s too unbelievable. I’ll keep posting updates as they come. I’m afraid to get my hopes up but this proves my body is capable of functioning normally and that is incredibly encouraging.

Also, when I first got my diagnosis of POTS years ago I was told by the specialist that sometimes people just wake up cured and we have no idea why. It sounds like a fairytale but after the week I’ve had I’m beginning to believe it might be real.

[starocean]

not to be an asshole or a whiner but i have been stressed and need to rant a little to let it out so please feel free to ignore, it’s just work related stuff

(technically they’re all my coworkers, but i don’t wanna use names so i just refer to them like this)

so, coworker got into an accident and she’ll be out for the next four days. no big deal, i can push my vacation back even if i am the tiniest bit sad i can’t take it rn. i won’t even lie about that. but i’m not at mad at her at all. 

but i am upset that my manager didn’t even offer to let me take next weekend off. she just told me we’d talk about me taking vacation time. and that kind of set me off and i spent like a whole hour crying because i’m just. so tired. i work six days a week. in the last three to four months, i have worked multiple 9 to 13 day “weeks” without a single day off. i rarely ever ask for time off, and what time off i do get is usually interrupted by work for some reason or other, even during vacation. i have an autoimmune disorder that makes me physically weaker than i used to be. just a few days ago, i had to stop doing stock because my shoulders were causing me so much pain i was almost nauseated and fighting back tears.

i’m not like the asm, who bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches when she can’t take time off (who, by the way, spent most of last year trying to get out of work and almost got let go for being a liability bc she kept getting injured at work and filing for worker’s comp. which seems unfair but these injuries were all extremely minor, so minor that a doctor wouldn’t even give her more than a day off work bc it wasn’t necessary, and all happened in less than six months. and when you’re the only one getting injured but your coworkers aren’t and none of the customers are reporting anything hazardous, HR starts getting suspicious. they told her they were going to start investigating her if she reported another injury too soon, and guess what? she stops getting hurt. amazing. she only wanted the worker’s comp bc it would get her more time off work while giving her a paycheck, but that’s not the point. 

and she also had the fuckin’ audacity to lie about my performance to the sm, and yes i am still upset about that bc i’ve actually done way more than the asm has and the sm’s even said so herself, like fuck the asm for real i cannot stand her) 

she’s gotten mad at me before for requesting vacation time before she puts her request in, and even angry at me for getting the rare satuday off bc she thinks she’s the only one who deserves a saturday off, apparently. i don’t get weekend days off much. like 99% of my off-days are during the week. she also acts like she’s the only one to work 9 to 13 days in a row without time off, and she hates being contracted on all of the above. i’ve had to show her our schedules before and go back month by month showing her what days she worked and had off compared to what i did. as you can guess, she was not happy about the physical proof being put in front of her lmao.

(and let me get this off my chest real quick because this one really fuckin pissed me off. this fuckin cunt tried to get me to come in on a day off that i specifically requested and was granted to be able to take care of my mother after her surgery. one of the newbies quit, and she sends me a text saying, “so-and-so quit, i need you come in and work tonight.” and of course i told her sorry ass no, that i had to be there for my mother. not sorry at all, my family and their health takes priority over work, especially since that was scheduled time off approved by the sm. the fucking disregard you have to demand i come in despite knowing i’m watching over my mother’s health. cover the damn shift yourself, asshole.)

the only time i have ever spoken up about not having certain days off is when i’d been given a saturday off and the sm tried to take it from me without even attempting to communicate with me about it. and then she tried to guilt trip me for that by saying she would have to pull a double, and i had to hold myself back from saying something snarky about how it’s literally her job, as per corporate policy, to fill in for an employee who cannot make their scheduled shift if no other employee can cover it. i was also miffed she didn’t even bother asking if i was okay with that. like, she didn’t say shit to me about it. no text message, no phone call, nothing from any other employee. nada. she got the next day off anyways, so idk why she was bitching. maaayybee she should have had the courtesy to, oh i dunno, ask me if i could cover? but she didn’t, so no i don’t feel bad about her pulling that double shift. ANYWAYS, not the point. i mean, sort of.

anyways, kind of tying back into the first part: coworker got hurt, and i volunteered to coworker directly that if she needed me to give up my vacation to cover her shifts, i would. we don’t always get along, but we definitely get along better than the asm and I do. maybe this is petty, atp i don’t really care, but the asm thanked me for volunteering. and i had to fight not to tell her to fuck off, that i wasn’t doing it for her, i was doing it for my coworker. it was the right thing to do, and if coworker had wanted to, she could’ve called it a favor for switching days with me once when i’d gotten too sick to attend work a few months ago. and i knew damn well that the asm wouldn’t give up any of her time off to fill in, bc she’d outright rejected mine and other coworkers’ requests for us to switch shifts when we’d been too sick or hurt to come in, and has often refused to cover shifts for employees who quit. obvious pattern of behavior there.

basically i’m just, like. bummed out. and burned out. i have dedicated so much time to this job with nothing to show. a shitty wage that i can’t even get a raise on bc i’ve apparently “hit the cap” for my position (bunch of fucking bullshit honestly), and my physical and mental health deteriorating by the minute. (which, i know that seems stupid to say after having a possible opportunity to get a different job, but all the research i put into that one (which i should’ve done first. hindsight is 20/20) showed it wouldn’t be much better than my current job. who knows. if i get desperate enough, i may just try my shot with them again.) and little time off. 

i just want decent time off. to just sit at home and relax, and not be bothered by something work related unless it’s an emergency. 

i’ll delete this later

[troglobite]

i’m trying to unpack why it makes me immediately furious to hear my mom groaning or whining in pain

two events have recently caused that, one happening rn

this past week she got her bivalent booster (bc she finally could after having covid a few months ago) 

i was absolutely happy to help and do whatever she needed, and i said as much multiple times. just text me if you need help.

she asked me directly for help maybe twice in 3 days. every other thing she just suffered alone in her room, or got up to do things that hurt her. 

that makes me mad. i’m sick of her needlessly hurting herself for some stupid fucking bullshit that either doesn’t matter or that i could do instead. 

every year she sends out these fucking holiday packages to friends, family, and coworkers. it’s not fun for her at all. she doesn’t enjoy it. she spends so much money ordering the same gifts each year. she goes through the hassle of personalizing each package (there are over 20). then she pays for postage and shipping. 

and she did it while her body hurt from the booster this week and i’m just like. WHY. if your back is killing you, you’re tired, like WHY?!

she “had” to get them done so they arrived by christmas for most ppl.

and again, WHY?! these are not incredible one of a kind gifts. it’s the same shit she gives every year. and i’m sure some of them arrived later than christmas before. like. WHY?!

if someone i knew typically sent something out each year and i didn’t get it one year, i’d check in w them and see how they were doing. i wouldn’t give a single fucking shit if their little annual gift to me didn’t arrive. 

but no, my mom has to bend over backwards and get this shit done bc?????? Reasons. 

and right now she’s doing my least favorite thing of hers. 

so cardboard boxes have been piling up in the hallway (bc this house is small and fucking sucks) and there’s not much room in the garage but in order to put them in our recycling, they have to be broken down. i can’t do it bc the sound and texture of cardboard makes me want to fucking perish. so she unfortunately has to do it. but she doesn’t want to. bc it’s time and energy consuming. i have said that i could help, but i would need to wear my headphones and some gloves. 

well. 

today she was going to go pick up some new end tables she ordered. 

her lifelong friend who moved here last year to be closer to us (and away from ohio) was going to go with her to pick them up. i don’t really know why it wasn’t an option for me to go and help? but it just wasn’t, i guess. 

but now she’s been spending the last three or four hours cleaning the entire house and moving the boxes into the garage and just cleaning EVERYTHING.

bc her lifelong friend who has seen her through both of their own messy relationships and divorces and a million other things is going to be inside our house. for. 15 minutes???

so she’s wheezing and huffing and puffing and agitated and running around and just in a fucking frenzy.

WHY?!!?!?!

SHE’S KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE 45 FUCKING YEARS.

SHE DOESN’T FUCKING CARE STOP DOING THIS

and she becomes INTOLERABLE when she’s like this and doing this. 

i’m hungry. i have been awake for 1.5 hrs. i missed my 15 minute window to get food while she was in the shower.

i offered to open the garage door for her while she moves boxes around.

she just said it would be “too hard” so she’s INSISTING she do it on her own.

she just made some of the worst fucking noises in the hallway outside my room rn. boxes scraping. all this shit. and there she goes, wheezing and huffing and puffing.

but god forbid she ask for help 

but mainly forbid SHE JUST NOT DO THIS FUCKING SHIT BECAUSE WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES?!! NOBODY!!!!!! NOBODY GIVES A SINGLE FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

i SHOWED her that gayle video “company’s coming over” YEARS ago. she laughed like haha that’s me. 

and i’m like

yeah, it is.

and it makes no sense

this isn’t even an exaggeration 

she’s going to fold all of the blankets on the couch that we use every day and move the pillows all around

“WE CAN’T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE SIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!” but LITERALLY in REAL LIFE. THAT IS WHAT SHE DOES.

i’m so tired of seeing a million reasons she needs to go to therapy (this is so far down the list and only related to a few things at the top of the list) and not being able to say or suggest anything bc she’ll see it as an insult.

which is super kind to me, a person who has been in therapy off and on since i was like 9 years old. 

i went to sleep early last night bc i was so exhausted. i slept forever. i woke up 1.5-2 hrs earlier than i have been. i was feeling good.

and ever since i’ve woken up she’s just been doing this fucking useless completely unnecessary and EXTREMELY FUCKING LOUD AND IRRITATING bullshit, and i haven’t been able to do anything.

and then i got up to check and i have to send out like 35 more emails for the job she gave me that, again, I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE, bc nobody else has responded since i sent the emails on tuesday and wednesday. and i need to DOUBLE the responses i’ve gotten. 8 ppl for this one campaign from over 40 emails that i sent. so i need to send 30-40 MORE emails. i’m just. 

and i can’t do that.

bc if i TRIED rn, i would be HUNGRY bc i haven’t been able to get ANY FOOD YET bc she has been NEEDLESSLY CLEANING THE FUCKING KITCHEN

AND i wouldn’t be able to focus AT FUCKING ALL bc even with my noise canceling headphones on, I WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO FUCKING HEAR HER. 

i’m just so fucking tired

i HATE having these family friends over PURELY BECAUSE IT MEANS MY MOM JUST LOSES HER ENTIRE GRIP ON REALITY FOR MULTIPLE HOURS AND I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH IT BC SHE WON’T EVEN LET ME HELP IN ANY WAY

it’s so fucking stupid and i hate this

[unhingedhearties]

Rage Over A Wrap Photo: Part 2 (Twitter)

Here are some of the responses from unhinged Hearties on Twitter regarding When Calls The Heart lead actress Erin Krakow’s photo celebrating the wrap of Season 11. These screencaps have been edited a little to combine some of the responses to one post.

Repeat offender TeamE83Liz/HeartieETLB comes in strong with the self entitlement. How dare Erin be grateful for the long-running TV show she’s worked on and “her lil’ Show Set Community”, which I can only guess means the other actors and crew. Given how long this show’s been on the air, Erin’s probably known some of these people for a decade. E83Liz has such a self-centered, off-putting personality, that the concept of long-term relationships must be alien to her. Damn it, she’s upset because Erin clearly doesn’t “give a sh_t about us fans!” The proof she doesn’t give a sh_t about her fans being this behind the scenes photo she shared to her fans to celebrate another Season being completed. And of course she finishes off her reply with hashtags insulting the Show Runner and Executive producer, as well as this creepy one “ErinUseToBeCute”.

You know how a lot of really sick men with disgusting attitudes towards women will often hold these weird, opposing views where they both lust after a woman, but loathe her and say degrading things about her?

Just… keep that in the back of your mind anytime you see a post with old E83Liz here.

Three more fully grown adults getting offended by a photo of shoes.

“The message it sends…” Jesus Christ. These are the kinds of people who chimp out on you if they don’t like the way you breathe and always accuse you of having “a tone” when you speak. Anything and everything is a stealthy attack against them.

“I am trying to be respectful and polite…” Don’t try, do. Because it’s just a photo. Of the ground. Where they’re standing.

I need to make a Bingo card, because there’s “salt in the wound” for the 10th time.

Someone makes a fair and rational point that both sides of these two stupid groups who waste their lives fangirling over fictional couples have had people act like assholes towards the actors. They can also tell the difference between the actor and the character they play on TV.

Julie flops in to counter this with the idea that people like her have been (and I’m really embarrassed to type this, even as a quote) “warriors” who “supported her” and were greatly dishonored when Erin posted that photo of the ground instead of honoring her life debt to these noble internet soldiers.  

E83Liz comes in with another gem. “I’m behind in the grieving!” 

Multiple wars around the world…

Millions of deaths from covid…

Nothing compared to a fictional couple on TV breaking up. Pray you never know such pain and loss.

“I don’t have anyone to turn to for help. Bc they’ve left SM or hate me!”

What!? Hate you? Why would anyone feel that way when you have so much to offer other people?

BONUS ROUND:

In what must have been a coordinated attack to commit jihad on Lucabeth fans, Executive Producer Brian Bird shared this photo of him spending the day with his family (including grandkids) in his home time for some kind of Christmas tree lighting celebration. Fortunately, the predominantly Christian fanbase proved themselves to be shining examples of Christ’s love and compas-

-_-

“She just wants to kiss as many guys as possible…”

Yes, that’s how TV works. That’s exactly how season long story arcs are created. Big Brain here has it all figured out.

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 5: Stuck In The Middle With You

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

consistent formatting? nah. in this house we believe in Convenient Formatting 🙏 rapid fire and no flashbacks again (when they start to get Super Painful later on you’ll mourn the days when i skipped them for extra fluff) we’re Zeroed In on the nerds for another hot minute. this is what happens when you get hooked on a fic by an idiot that’s more inspired by screenwriters than authors, srry ❤️

also this chapter (and probably quite a few throughout this fic) is specifically for the babes that have had to pick themselves up from the dirt after a romantic crash. i cannot tailor this in a vague way that lets anyone picking this up have their own catharsis here, right? mega impossible to one size fits all that. but what i CAN do is use the bundle of greek myth references that is ava’s concept to tell a story about regaining personal power after a total shitass tricks you into thinking youre not completely bitchin as you are ❤️

and i guess make a bunch of canadian jokes bc those are really funny to me tbh. thank you donnatella moss for the inspiration. the best accidental moose canada ever had

anyways. sit. get comfy 😌 think of the ex you reallyreallyreally wanna stab 🥰 and then go project that exact motherfucker onto alec ❤️

—

"Put it on."

"No."

"Put. It. On."

"Nope."

"It's going to look good on you."

Bucky flicks his eyes up from the news article open on his tablet. "Yes, it would."

"Great. Your head is still gigantic post-defrosting. Good thing the one I picked comes with buttons. Leave three of them undone—"

"I know how many to leave undone." That was a misstep. He knows it the second the words leave his mouth. She's going to use it as if it's compliance. It isn't.

"And I'm sure you remember how to get your arms through the holes, too. So, let's go." Natasha repeatedly taps her hand on the kitchen table, making her rings knock against the aged wood. "Make with the wardrobe change."

"I'm not wearing that, and I'm sure as hell not going anywhere," he counters blandly.

"Yes, you are. Get up."

"Eat dirt, Romanoff. I have this thing called a will of my o—"

"So, you don't want to go?"

"Correct."

"Nothing could convince you to change your mind?"

"Absolutely not."

"Who do you think is going to be more disappointed when I repeat that at the bar, Wyatt or Ava?"

Bucky's eyes close slowly. Gently. The movement is a stark contrast to the anger swirling in him, the majority of which is aimed at himself, not the Russian seeking to ruin his life. This was so easy to spot coming. So easy. And he walked right into it.

"Have you given—" Steve attempts around a mouthful of food, cutting off when Natasha hits him in the back of the head to make him stop. He takes a moment to wash down the Coco Puffs with a gulp of fresh coffee after that. "Have you given Wyatt an autograph yet? I gave him one. Super nice guy, you'll like him."

"Why is the brain trust suddenly invited to a night out?" Bucky demands. This is a fucking trap. There is no possible way that this isn't a fucking trap.

Natasha rolls her eyes at him. "We're plying them with booze to try and keep them from suing us into the ground for inflicting you on the populace. Now shut up and go change. You're not wearing those pants."

"I'm—" He cuts himself off mid-refusal. There's not a chance, not even a fraction of a percent of one, that Ava would take offense to him not wanting to go. He's told her, on multiple occasions, that he hates getting dragged out to these things. His friends are awful, and they just do this to torture him. He's not inclined to entertain that most weeks, and Ava knows that. "I don't have any other pants aside from—"

"Yes, you do."

"I'm not wearing tux pants to a—"

"The leather ones you keep for long rides."

Bucky stops, and not because Natasha just revealed knowing another secret he hasn't told her. That shit doesn't even phase him anymore. His eyes move down to the blue button-up she's trying to force him into, his lips pursing slightly. The leather pants she's not supposed to know about are worn to hell and back at this point. Heavy weathering, a hole or two at the back of the heels, more than a few deep scratches that'll become holes if he's not overly careful. Not the kind of thing that would usually be suitable for a night out. 

That button-up is new, though. Looks expensive, too. Good quality silk. It'll look more natural on him under a jacket. Less like a significant effort and more like something he got roped into. Which is precisely what's happening.

Bucky sighs deeply, looking back up at her in resignation. "I have some ground rules."

"You're allowed to have approximately one."

He looks over at Steve in frustration. The bastard shakes his head with a cackle, a fresh scoop of Puffs halfway to his mouth. "Ooohoho, no. Nah-uh. There's a captain on deck tonight, but it is not me." He stands up, chewing quickly, a big dumb smile on his stupid face. "I'm being a good boy and following her orders."

Natasha knocks on the spot of hardwood directly in front of Bucky obnoxiously. "Name your singular rule. I still have to do my hair; hurry the hell up."

Her sass reminds him that he has to figure out what the fuck he's going to do with his hair. "I'm not dancing, for starters—"

"Great. None of us will hound you about dancing; you have my word. Go get dressed. We leave in an hour, and you'll be really embarrassed if I have to drag your unconscious body through the tower." Her eyebrows raise expectantly as she stands up, looking between him and the shirt. To add insult to injury, she taps her nails along his head on her way out of the kitchen.

Steve doesn't look over from where he's raiding the fridge for another snack. "For what it's worth, she sounded excited about the invitation."

Bucky's eyes squint suspiciously. "You invited her?"

"No, Nat did," he replies far too casually. "I was just in the room when she made the call."

"See, your fuck up here is that now I know—"

"I have information you can try to weasel out of me? Thanks, Buck, I appreciate that, seeing as I'm entirely inept when it comes to interrogation and spycraft—"

"Only for the most part. Was this your push or Nat's?"

"Are you asking to be a pest, or are you asking because you need to know?"

Bucky grinds his teeth. He can say the latter, and Steve will never know the difference. "I don't need to know, but—"

"Then fuck off." He shuts the fridge door with a gentle swing and a bright smile. "I have to go get dressed. So do you." He flicks at the bun resting against the back of Bucky's head on his way out. These fuckers are always touching him, and they don't pull the Canadian routine about it. "Should do something with your hair. It looks like it has blood on it."

It probably does. His last mission was designated complete all of twenty minutes ago, and he definitely bled through some of it. Bucky can't really tell on his end; he's still coming down from the adrenaline rush. Something Natasha used to her advantage, no doubt. 

"You fuck off," he grumbles long after Steve is out of earshot.

—

"I'm completely serious."

"No, you're panickin', ya big baby."

"I mean it."

"I'd like to go ahead and remind you that I was there when you purchased most'a your wardrobe. Both times. I think I'd know if y'didn't."

"I can't wear any of that. It's one thing when it's my space—"

"You're allowed to exist in other places, ya dweeb."

"I didn't say I wasn't allowed. Just that...." Ava trails off, her nerves finally catching up to her. The argument had felt like a funny joke when she poked her head through the doorway to start it. Now it's not feeling so funny anymore. Paige is doing that awful, shitty thing where she makes sense. Leaning against the frame and glancing down at the master bedroom's carpet, Ava feels small. "I don't know. The stuff I wear to conferences is too—prim. Most of it's ballroom shit and wouldn't work, anyways. All of my usual go-to's just... It all feels... stupid."

The energy drink chugging champion that is her best friend props herself up on her elbows where she's laid out on her bed. The headband she's wearing has two miniature alien heads poking up from it that wiggle with the motion. "Well, hey there, Alec. Long time no see, ya son of a—"

"Yeah, yeah," Ava waves her hand dismissively. The reminder does knock some of the pity party out of her, at least. There was a time when she made decisions for herself and herself alone. Those were damn good years, and Ava is trying like hell to get back into the mindset. The one she proudly lived in before she let someone talk her into being ashamed of who she is. "Let my freak flag fly, whatever. I still don't have anything to wear." Nothing that doesn't feel crushingly laughable, anyways.

"What about that lace skirt you've got, the one with the swirly patterns? That one's so cute."

Ava frowns. She's not looking to get squished in hosiery tonight, which would be the only way to save herself in something that short. "For dancing?"

"Mmm. That's, ya know, that ain't a bad point. It ain't exactly built for the breeze." Paige tilts her head to the side, making the aliens go wild. Her face pinches like she's brainstorming. Then her eyes go wide with excitement. "Oh! Wear that—the, the thing!"

"Gonna need more to go on." She snaps her fingers as Paige smacks at her own bedspread.

"The wrap dress!"

"You're out of your mind," Ava laughingly insists. Now that she's caught up to her best friend's train of thought, she's almost startled. "That's—first of all, I think it's technically a sun dress—"

"Who gives a shit? Ya look great in it."

"I look—that's beside the point. It... it's not too...?"

"Too...?"

"Shit, I don't know." She folds her arms over her chest and chews her lip for a few seconds. "What do I wear with it?"

"Nothin' but heels." The smirk on Paige's face is devious.

"You know what else isn't built for the breeze? Me. I'm not looking to flash the Avengers tonight, thanks." The words make her instantly think of Bucky, shamefully enough. He's not even going to be there tonight. She's absolutely sure of it. He's told her how much it takes to convince him to go out these days.

The manic pixie rolls her eyes. "Alright. The dress, the heels, and somethin' stringy."

"How about a jacket?" Ava reasons, already turning to go back to Paige's guest room, the one that's been unofficially hers for years.

"Pick one that's sheer, ya chickenshit," she shouts down the hallway behind her.

"That's a lot of sass coming from the woman who can't look America's Sweetheart in the eye!" 

"You'll thank me when you don't wake up here!"

Ava gets hit with the mental reminder that a certain sergeant has been threatening to fly her home for over a week. She hip-bumps her unofficial door closed with a huff. 

Bucky's not going to show up tonight. 

Even if he was, the man's a serial flirt, and she's his—the primary neurosurgeon on his case. Not-flirting through his appointments has been…. She's been trying to think of it as a bedside manner. A very unprofessional bedside manner. The kind she wouldn't have the balls to admit to out loud.

Natasha didn't mention him directly during the invitation call, only his case. All she said was that the whole team was welcome, including the duct rat, Findley. No mention of other attendants. It would have been brought up if he were going to be there; Ava's sure of that. 

Natasha did mention getting Paige home on time, which was suspicious. Tomorrow is the engineer's first mission assigned to the Avengers as support, sure, but they don't seem like the type to need a pre-check. Ava's only seen a handful of SHEILD agents listed in the medical reports from Bucky's missions, and he never mentions any of them directly. She's always gotten the impression that assigned agents are an unknown hand in that machine.

If Steve ends up tagging along, she'll have her suspicions about the Russian's intent with this whole thing. She might have an ally in the fight to push her best friend that she didn't know about. 

Maybe she'll go to the tower after Paige is home safe. Ava's brought up the idea of switching to night appointments before, and she doubts Bucky would say no to a quick ten minutes on the roof. He might even stay for a while without having the excuse of leaving her to her work. 

She could pick up some late-night bagels to bribe him with. Her favorite shop closes early, but they work til midnight sometimes just for the baking process. Ava does the yearly medical work for the owner and his family without charging him. In return, he lets her sneak in after hours for cream cheese and salmon. With that and a quick stop to her office for a handful of lollipops, she's got herself some super soldier bait. 

She might not even stop to change back out of the dress. She'll grab the lab coat, though. Bucky looks more at ease whenever she has it on.

—

He wants to leave already.

It's been eighteen seconds since they coraled him through the front door. He's very proud of himself. He didn't think he'd make it to half that before the urge hit.

Bucky looks around the crowded bar with the sourest face he can muster. It's loud, it's cramped, it's loud, he's already hot enough to know he'll be sweating at some point, and it's too fucking loud. The checkpoint out front is a disaster. He's not real clear on what the standards for a bar security chief are, but that pick-up artist with the handheld, battery-powered metal detector out front doesn't fit his definition of competent. Not by a long shot.

The Avengers haven't rolled out with the full roster tonight. Tony, mercifully, is away with Pepper, Barton fucks off to god knows where, and Rhodey's as much of a workaholic as Bucky is. He tries not to think about where Thor goes. That particular can of worms is pretty full. He's still trying to get used to the fact that they've got a Quinjet that can just go to space. Whenever he—they want.

The ones that did come don't give him any shit when he breaks off to do his walk-about. They all figured out pretty early on that it's a sensitive subject. Bruce doesn't even notice him leave half the time. Steve used to do a piss-poor job of inconspicuously following him back when Bucky was primarily non-verbal. Natasha never mentions it.

The building is two stories. There's a halfway decent camera set-up that he can tap into through the wifi. No windows in the bathrooms. The roof access isn't wired with an alarm. All the emergency exits are, though. The owner's room was locked before Bucky got to it, but the staff areas are open to whoever turns a handle. They've got a round of code inspections coming up at the start of next month. They'll fail at least two of them if they don't unblock that rear door.

Sam silently checks in with an offered fist bump once he's back at the table eight minutes later. Bucky doesn't hesitate to reciprocate it. There's already a half glass of whiskey sitting on the table waiting for him. He doesn't hesitate to get his mitts on that, either.

Wyatt and Hannah show up before Ava and Paige do. It's the first time Bucky's been faced with meeting them since Ava offered that one time. She never pushed it after that. He's been meaning to get around to it. But the idea has been making his teeth buzz too much to go through with it.

Hannah is laser-focused on him from the start. She's just as conscious of it as he is, then. He can tell the moment that the realization hits Wyatt. His eyes widen with a flash of concern, his burly frame curling in on itself as if that'll make six feet of muscle look less threatening. It's almost heartwarming that he's worried about looking threatening to Bucky, of all people. The anxiety on the kid's face gets swallowed up by excitement. Seconds later, another wave of anxiety surfaces. It teeters back and forth as Hannah pushes him up to the table through the crowd.

Bucky watched Atlantis the other night after one of his nightmares took away any chance of falling back to sleep. It saved him from having to wake Steve up for a trip to the supply store. He texted Ava about it once he spotted the sun through the small gap in his blackout curtains; she was thrilled. Seeing the baby-faced brain surgeon nervously approach the table makes him understand why she compares him to Milo, not Dr. Sweet. 

Bucky's not looking to be the aggressive silent type anymore. At least not when it comes to the people working their asses off for him. He reaches out with his flesh hand, giving a reassuring half-smile to Wyatt. "Good to finally meet you, Combs."

The grin that stretches across the doctor's face looks wide enough to hurt. A stubby hand reaches out across the table for an enthusiastic shake. "It's an honor to meet you, Sergeant Barnes."

"I'll sign that journal Ava's warned me about if you promise to call me Bucky," he bribes, taking his hand back for another sip of whiskey.

"Y'mean it?" He's already headed for his patch-covered messenger bag with a hopeful look on his face. "I can use whatever makes ya comfortable. I'm not gonna make ya sign—"

"Hand it over." He glances over to where Hannah is sitting down across from Bruce. They trade an amicable nod when she makes direct eye contact again. "It's good to meet you, as well, Schuster."

"Barnes." He hears the sound of a boot being kicked under the table and watches Wyatt glare at the side of her head. She gives Bucky a strained smile. He's got a feeling it's usually strained. "Likewise."

Bucky likes her already.

As Ava warned, it doesn't take long for Wyatt to start asking about maps. He's bombarded with questions the moment he hands the journal back, with a fresh, chicken-scratch signature on one of its pages. The kid has a lot of trouble picking one at a time, and Bucky's trying not to shorten his answers out of habit. 

He keeps a mental list of the information Wyatt's most interested in. A year ago, he would have done it out of ingrained habit. Tonight it's a deliberate choice. Bucky can get his hands on records the Combs family doesn't know about. The kind they can't make a legal request for because there's no official log of it.

Ava and Paige are the last to arrive. He's too busy trying to give Wyatt more stories when they walk through the door to spot them. Steve is the first to notice their entrance, pausing mid-sentence about a mission the Howlies went on that Bucky barely remembers. Looking away from Wyatt's face, he understands why his best friend froze up. 

Good fucking god almighty. She's trying to kill him.

The doctor that haunts Bucky's dreams is walking through the crowded bar in an outfit that should be triggering the tactical analysis in his head. The analysis that, lately, only ends when his mind catches up to the fact that he shouldn't be thinking about being balls-deep in her while trying to make eye contact. It's probably—definitely inappropriate. But something about the thin, light blue fabric of her dress is shorting him the fuck out. 

It's low-cut, which is the first strike. The second is the way that split up her right leg only stops when it reaches the top of her thigh. The third—the one that really knocks him flat on his ass—is the way the whole thing is pulled in to show off her hips. The ones he'd have a lot of trouble letting go of if she ever let him put his hands on her to begin with.

He roughly swallows around nothing but air. His eyes shoot up to Ava's face, desperate to stave off his bastard mind latching onto her outfit. The last thing he needs in his head right now is a full-scale plan for laying her out on the table to unwrap that thing like a present. She's smiling at him, genuine surprise shaping most of her expression. God willing, it's about his presence here, not where his eyes were a second ago.

"They let you out of the house now?" she sasses him over the roar of the bar. Her hand folds into a fist and props high on her hip as she stops at the table's edge, her other arm linked with her best friend's.

Bucky is so fucking hopeless for her. "Yes, ma'am. But only if I get enough green stickers that week."

"In that case, thanks for behaving. I didn't think you'd be here tonight." That smile of hers is still bright as the sun. Still aimed at him. Christ, he's never been happier about Natasha ruining his life. "I'm pleasantly surprised around you, for once."

Gimmie half a chance, and I can show you every kind of pleasant surprise there is. 

If this were 1943, he'd still have the balls to say it to her. It'd be suicide to say it around his idiot friends, but he was a dumbass who wouldn't have hesitated back then. Not with someone like her. 

It's probably a good thing it's not still 1943. "If I make all the surprises annoy you, you'll tell me to stop. I have to keep you on your toes, or you'll get bored."

One of her eyebrows raises at him, entirely unimpressed. It makes him want to hold her hand. "You do understand how cool my job is, right? You're also a literal cyborg I get to poke at whenever I feel like telling you it's medically necessary. What part of that am I supposed to get bored with, sergeant?"

Bucky folds with a shy chuckle, bringing up his glass of whiskey to hide his mouth behind. "You get used to the shiny parts."

"I'm sure he'll let you add more when he busts his ass again," Sam jokes from off to Ava's left. He's staring at Bucky with an overly satisfied grin. It makes him glare over his whiskey while Ava and Paige sit down.

"Sorry we're late," Paige says, her eyes moving to Steve and her cheeks turning slightly pink. "Gettin' through Bronx traffic is always fun."

"Ordered Ryder's usual," Hannah mentions, pointing to a tall glass of ale the waiter dropped off while he wasn't looking. "Didn't know what you were in the mood for."

"Somethin' fizzy." She rhythmically taps her mismatched nails on the table, humming to herself while she glances over the drink menu. "Or maybe somethin' icey."

"I went the margarita route if you wanna go halfsies tonight," Wyatt offers, nudging his frosted glass over to her. Paige perks up and leans over for a sip.

He looks over at Steve, who's watching the interaction with the sappiest smile. It nearly makes his eyes roll. Natasha and Sam sniffed out the captain's big crush a long time ago, but it's the first time Bucky's seeing it for himself.

Neither one of them has learned a goddamn thing. Not in a hundred years.

A much more gentle nail taps right in front of his arm, dragging his eyes back to Ava while she gets herself seated. "What made you decide to come?" 

She would hit him with a question that blunt right off the bat. He tries not to notice Sam's silent laughter next to her. 

"Heard the egg heads were making an appearance," he decides to be mostly honest with.

The pleased smile on her face takes on a softer edge. She really hadn't been expecting him to show. It makes him all the more glad that he listened to Natasha. "We convinced you?"

You did. "You're surprised? I'm not about to put in the effort for these assholes."

"He only does that for our birthdays," Sam tells her, leaning into her space slyly. 

Bucky holds out his hands, mildly insulted. "And bank holidays."

Ava turns her head to offer her hand to Sam with a warm giggle. She looks so fucking good in the low bar light. With her neck muscles stretched like that, Bucky wants to kiss under her jaw just to see her reaction. "I've been hoping we'd meet again under better circumstances. Ava Ryder."

Sam barks a laugh, wrapping his hand around hers. "I'd say watchin' you hand Steve his own ass was great circumstance."

"Well thanks," Steve interjects, flipping him off before going back to drawing on a napkin with Paige.

The comment, and the gesture, gets ignored entirely. "Sam Wilson, but you can call me your favorite Avenger."

Bucky almost rolls his eyes again. Watching Ava's giggles get worse stops the urge.

—

She was wrong.

He came out tonight. To a bar. To spend time with them.

Ava takes another drink of her ale, watching the Winter Soldier over the rim of her glass. Wearing a dress that could unwind from her with a few strategic yanks on a couple pieces of string. And heels that could have paid a month of her first apartment's rent. In a New York bar.

If her parents could see her now, they'd croak.

Bucky is so goddamn attractive in his dark leather jacket that it's un-fucking-real. The bastard looks softer with his hair down like that, and there's chest hair peaking out from that button-up he's left open to a torturous degree. It keeps distracting her every time he turns to say something to Steve. His hand is the only shiny part on display at the moment. 

The glory tales from Steve don't do the heartstopping aura justice. The fact that Bucky has had the nerve to lie—to her face no less—and say they're blown out of proportion makes her seethe sitting across from him now. No wonder he was prolific; how the hell could he not be with a face like that and the attitude to back it. Now that he's not in a professional headspace, the latter is coming out in spades. The super serum body is a mouthwatering, climbable bonus.

This is the man that keeps threatening to fly her home.

Ava takes a longer drink.

She hasn't been this in over her head since college. The familiar knee-jerk reaction of bullying him is the only thing that doesn't feel petrifying. Bucky is the last person that would make her feel unsafe, but good god, the man is intimidating. Trying to find something to say to him that isn't a joke is a lot harder than usual, with him looking that good.

Paige tuned out the moment Steve gave her meticulously outlined boxes to doodle in on an unfolded napkin. He's been adding detailed frames to them ever since while the two trade work stories. It makes Ava jealous. Her best friend might be oblivious, but at least she's not the one tongue-tied tonight.

Knocking her knees together under the table, Ava leans forward and tries another round of facing down the sergeant. "Worth the trip so far?"

Way to go, moron. Pressure him, why don't you? Of course he's having a good time; he wouldn't still be sitting here if he—

Bucky smiles at her, calming her nerves without even trying. "Every second." He looks down at the glass in her hand, then back up at her face. "You havin' fun, doc?"

She misses hearing him call her doll. It's starting to feel like maybe it was an accident the handful of times it happened. He hasn't done it in days. "Unlike you, I enjoy human interaction. Plus, the hippie thing makes me partial to loud noises." And sweat. And weed to make the loud noises sound better. And men with long hair and deep voices that would sound—

"I don't mind human interaction," he argues, folding his arms on the table and leaning over with her. "I'm just picky about the people I interact with."

"Awww," Paige coos at her side. "And we made the cut? I'm honored."

"You should be," Steve confirms with a smirk, his eyes never leaving the napkin under his hand. "He's not exaggerating."

"That's unusual for him," Ava jumps on Bucky with. She regrets it right up until he snorts and briefly covers his mouth with his hand. It's a real fuck up on his end; she takes it as an all-clear to do it to him again at her leisure. "The only people I've met with bigger heads are cardiologists."

"That's the second time you've brought them up," Bucky notes. She honestly can't remember the first, but it sounds accurate. They're fun to mock.

"Nice deflection, superstar." His eyes widen a fraction at her teasing, boosting her confidence. "Have you had the displeasure of meeting one? I'm allowed to be mean to them as a neurologist, by the way. Secret doctor pecking order and whatnot."

"If I have, I probably don't want to remember," he deadpans. Steve gives him a dirty look, but it makes Ava snort. The smug look Bucky gives her in return makes her stomach flip. "I wanna hear more about this secret doctor pecking order. How far up that chain are you?"

"I don't know, man. How far up is your brain?" 

Bucky's eyes shut in pain, and he smiles. "It's so hard to be proud of your ego when your awful puns surround it."

"You'll manage," she assures in a supportive tone. 

A low whistle drags Ava's eyes to one end of the table, where Natasha is getting up. "I'm going dancing. It's up to you losers who's coming."

A majority of the table, including most of Ava's team, moves to follow. She doesn't. Bruce and Hannah don't, continuing their discussion on a medical journal he read that morning. Bucky doesn't leave either.

He watches Ava as Paige leans over to kiss the top of her head. She's pretty sure he watches her all through their short yes, I'll watch your bag check-in. He's still watching her when she looks back at him, slowly circling his glass to make the whiskey inside it swirl.

"Not a fan of dancing?" he finally asks.

"I like dancing," Ava confirms. "I just like picking on you more." The words feel outrageously bold for how innocuous they are. It's the truth, but she feels a little stupid for saying it out loud. Whatever, if it means spending the night out with him, that's fine—

Bucky puts down his glass, a determined set to his posture. "Dance with me."

Her jaw almost drops. She doesn't catch her nervous burst of laughter in time to stop it. "I—what? You? Bucky Barnes, mister touch me and die himself wants to—"

"I let you touch me all the time." The tone he uses for the blatant—

Christ, is she ever in over her head.

She ignores his flirting like a coward, racing to hide behind professionalism as fast as her mouth can get her there. "The funny thing about that is I have your willing participation—"

"You've got my willing participation for this, too." He sounds like he means it, which is the worst part. It makes it impossible to bring herself to tell him no.

She hesitates one last time, primarily out of fear of embarrassing herself. "You're sure you want to dance?"

"With you?" Bucky stands up, allowing her to see the well-worn leather sitting low enough on his hips to turn her into a bigger wreck. "Yeah, doll. I'm sure."

Hannah leans over to slide the bag Paige left behind across the table, closer to her. She doesn't bother to stop talking. Bruce is smiling from ear to ear, stealing glances at her and Bucky. He's doing a terrible job of hiding it. 

Standing up on nervous feet, Ava watches Bucky circle the table. He offers up his flesh hand when he approaches her, his signature Brooklyn smirk on his face. "Ready?"

Fuck no. She slides her hand into his, breathing deeply when he squeezes her fingers. "I really hope someone's given you the memo on modern dancing because I have no idea what the hell you people did in the 30s." 

"I'm sure you'll help me figure it out." He's sounding more confident with every word, and it's scaring the absolute shit out of her. 

It's innocent at the start. Bucky's a perfect gentleman leading her through the crowd. He spins slowly to face her when he finds them a wide enough space, pulling her in close. The pressure of his fingers is barely there when his metallic hand moves to her lower back. Ava brings both her hands up to his chest when he lets go of one of them. 

"You'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, right?" she checks again, stretching up as close to him as she can. There's no way he has trouble hearing her over the music, but she doesn't remember that until she's all but hanging off him. It makes her cheeks feel warm.

His flesh hand moves over her hip, resting on it gently. Bucky leans down and turns his head in, getting right up to her ear. He's already starting to guide the direction of her half-hearted movements. "I will. You gonna do the same?"

"I will," she promises. Mirroring his words is the only thing her brain can come up with, given how unfairly good he smells. It's obliterating every train of thought she has. 

It is… terrifyingly easy to let herself go in his arms. The movement of her hips gets more involved, following the tempo of the song and the direction of his hand. Hers go up to his shoulders, bringing him in closer a fraction at a time. By the time the song changes, she gives up and lets them wrap around the back of his neck. 

Somewhere around the third song, when the bar's DJ is trying to ramp up into a faster energy, she ends up turned away from him. Ava isn't sure how it happened. It could have been his doing; she's not paying all that much attention. All she knows is he's pressed up against her back now, the hand on her hip moving towards her leg incrementally. Her head tilts off to the side as her eyes close, letting the Winter Soldier guide her.

His fingers stop their advance once they reach the top of the gap in her dress, the one that splits up her thigh. She gives him all of thirty seconds to figure out if he's brave enough to go further on his own. Then the ego boost from having Bucky—of all fucking people—trying to make a move on her wins out over her fear. 

Ava lays her fingers on top of the hand hesitating on her leg, urging it down. 

The first touch of his skin on hers makes them both suck in a breath. She can feel the tension in him against her back. He gets over his nerves faster after that. His hand glides down the length of her thigh, and his fingers curl under the fabric when it comes back up. Not all that far, but the intent is there.

In escalating boldness, she reaches for his metal hand, dragging it to rest at the top of her ribs. His nose comes brushing across her temple at that point, giving her an idea of how close he's keeping himself around her with her eyes closed. One of her hands goes up into his hair, and that's when things really go off the fucking rails.

His thumb moves in a wide arc, dragging across the underside of one of her breasts. Her fingers curl around his hair, and her head rolls in toward him. If she tilts it up, she could brush her nose against his; that's how far into her space he is. And then the hand on her thigh moves in.

The pounding music swallows up the slight sound it pulls from her, but she's willing to bet Bucky heard it. She leans back against him, making him freeze up momentarily. He's already moving again before her mind finally pieces together the why.

He's hard, Ava realizes.

With one hand under her tits and the other getting itself further between her thighs. With her ass pressed back against him. With his towering frame curled all the way around her.

Sergeant James Barnes is hard as a rock. For her.

—

How the hell he hasn't gotten his good arm ripped off yet, Bucky's not quite sure. It feels impossible that she's just... letting him do this. 

Spinning her around really fucked him over. He had been behaving pretty well up until then. He'd even managed to hold off on putting his hand as far down her back as that fucking dress allows for. But then he'd been dumb enough to turn her, and her head had relaxed off to the side, and god, it took every ounce of restraint he has not to kiss the length of her neck.

Now she's leaning back against him, fully aware of how wound up he is, and he can't figure out where to stop. She isn't slowing down any part of his stumbling. There's no new tension in her now that she's in the know about the current state of his cock. Her hips are still fucking moving, and now they're moving against him.

She's going to kill him tonight, probably right out here on this dancefloor. He just hasn't figured out if it's going to be murder or manslaughter.

He lets his left hand get bolder, trying to test the waters one last time before he lets his right one go any further. He moves it up, his thumb brushing over her nipple. He hears her pull in a shaking breath while it skims back down the side. She doesn't stop him, making him want to bite at her neck all over again. 

With no signs of her looking for an out, and not one shred of critical thinking or self-control left in his head, Bucky slides his hand further up the inside of her thigh. Her fingers tighten in his hair, nearly pulling on it at this point. All he has to do is hike up his thumb, and he'll get more information than he's probably ready to have. She could tell him to drop to his knees right here; he's mildly certain he'd do it. 

That dress is so goddamn thin. There's no weight to it at all. He can't spot the outline of anything, but he knows from how high her tits are sitting that she's got a bra on, at least. Another inch or two up with his thumb, and he'll be able to tell for himself if she came out tonight with underwear on. He's not entirely out of the goddamn loop; he knows skipping it is a much more common practice nowadays. 

Bucky's almost hoping his favorite hippie is the type. He's spent a lot of time fantasizing about ways to get her out of them. That doesn't mean he's not going to fucking lose it if his fingers don't find a strip of fabric between her legs. 

The flash of a new fantasy hits him, one of Ava letting him pin her to the alley wall out back with his head between her legs. If he takes her around the corner, he won't have to stop when the kitchen staff come out for a smoke break. If she does have underwear on, he can leave it in her mouth to keep her quiet. Or reach up to make her bite down on his fingers. With the serum and her height, it'd work like a dream.

The curiosity becomes a burning need, driving his hand all the way up. When he first touches her, it's not with his thumb, and it's not a gentle brush. He pushes his middle and index finger along the length of her lips, coming into contact with lace that's wet.

"Fuck." The word is choked when it tumbles out of him. He's coated his hand to the thought of her so many times over by now. And here she is, pushing herself up against him and just as worked up about it.

Her hand grips his arm tight enough to bruise in reaction. She doesn't push him away. God fucking help him, she doesn't stop moving either. Still, there's something about her body language that's not sitting right in his gut. She's not pushing him away. But she's not pulling him along anymore.

That's not always a stop sign. Bucky knows that. Some people like leaving the significant steps in the hands of their chosen partner. She's silently urged him to keep going a few times already. Assuming she wants that to continue isn't out of the question. But he's not the kind of man who's comfortable with that leap. Not anymore.

He moves his hand down an inch, leaving it between her legs. Not on top of the lace he wants to bite at. If she's interested, she'll put it back. Simple as that.

Bucky waits, holding her close with his metal arm around her ribs and his nose pressed into her hair while they dance. She's hesitating now, which has him convinced he made the right call. He's not self-wallowing enough to take it as a rejection. It's not like he'd been planning for this to go anywhere near as far as it did to begin with.

Her hand pulls at his hair in a way that feels conflicted. She tilts her head up, her eyes finally opening to look at him. Yeah, there it is. Right there in her eyes. It's finally catching up to her.

"I..." she tries, her mouth opening and closing a few times. "We can...."

"We can keep going," he finishes for her, not backing off from his hold on her. "We absolutely can. Or we can head to the bar and watch them make something with a cherry on it. I'm more than comfortable with both."

He watches her chew over the offered out, her eyebrows pulling in. He doesn't push her; he's not looking to make the call for her. If she wants him to get her off right here on this dancefloor, he's pretty damn sure he'd be willing at this point, even with the threat of criminal charges. He's also ready to let go and spend the rest of the night doing something that doesn't make her look torn. Even if it means ending it early.

"We should probably go to the bar." Probably. She doesn't sound happy about it, meaning it's fueled by her professionalism. He understands why she has the line. He respects the shit out of it.

"We probably should," he agrees. He doesn't move his hands. She hasn't moved hers. 

Her eyes move down to his mouth, and fuck does that do a number on his impulse control. He hopes she doesn't feel how it makes his cock jump. Ava Ryder wants to kiss him. It feels odd to celebrate that, considering where his fingers were a minute ago, but fuck. The girl of his dreams wants to kiss him.

"Let's go to the bar." The frustration in her voice almost makes him laugh. It definitely makes him smile as he turns his metal hand over to link with hers.

"You drink anything other than ale, doll?" He lets his fingers brush over the skin of her thigh reassuringly as he pulls it back out from under her dress. She looks so mad at the world, her face scrunching under her glasses. He wants to kiss her more than he's ever wanted anything in his life.

Ava takes a deep breath that she lets out with a huff. It looks like it cools off some of the annoyance. "My answer depends on how much of a narc you are, g-man."

He puts his arm around her shoulder, dragging her in close to his side. His friends will hand him his ass over this for a month, but he's not about to let her feel rejected. He's trying to respect a boundary, not ward her off. "Lucky for you, this g-man has medical strains growing in his room at the tower."

"There's no fucking way. You're telling me the Winter Soldier grows weed?"

"Are you tellin' me you buy yours? Chump."

She snorts hard enough to feel the need to cover her mouth. It makes Bucky feel damn good being able to make her laugh again that fast. "I can't believe I'm being ridiculed about the source of my pot by a senior citizen."

He holds back on reminding her that she was about to let a senior citizen stick his hand down her panties. "Has it convinced you to give up the inaccurate jokes about my job?"

"Inaccurate, he says! Don't you have a literal badge you can shove in people's faces?" Ava doesn't lean against the bar when they reach it. She stays pressed up against him while he leans on it, distracting the hell out of him. He looks down the line of people, searching for a bartender to give himself a second to refocus. "I think that's a pretty clear-cut definition of a fed."

"I think you're trying to find out if I've got a pair of cuffs handy." This is the other problem presented with her letting him go that far; it burned through what little filter he has. Now that he knows she's interested and not just humoring him, he's fucked. Hearing his own words still makes him wish he'd shut his damn mouth.

He hears her laugh in surprise again, but he's not brave enough to look at her yet. There's a momentary lull filled with the sounds of rowdy New Yorkers kicking off their weekend. Then he feels her head lean against his arm. "Something tells me you could improvise without them."

It's manslaughter. She's trying for manslaughter. By god, she's going to accomplish it if she says some shit like that again.

"I can improvise whenever you need me to." He finally looks back at her, catching her ogling his chest. Again. Her cheeks are a few shades darker. It's good to know he's not the only one reeling. "You should answer my question first, though. Unless you're looking to put in the order."

Her eyes finally flick up to his, and her smile turns shy before she looks away. "Surprise me. I burn more than drown. I'm sure you can think of a fun option to entertain me with."

Bucky should have guessed she'd give him a run for every cent he earned back when he still had his mojo. It feels like he's trying not to trip over himself while she's still getting warmed up. "One entertainment, comin' right up."

She gives him a look, doing a lousy job of holding back her amusement. "You don't get to complain about my puns if you're going to tell dad jokes like that."

"You're just jealous that mine are better." He finally flags down a bartender over her shoulder, throwing out an order for two Mai Tais. The only other cocktail he can think of off the top of his head is a Sex on the Beach, and he sure as shit doesn't have the balls to order that in front of her at the moment. A Moscow Mule is not a cocktail in his eyes. It's also not the kind of inappropriate he's looking for.

Ava's finger hooks into his front pocket, threatening to ruin every effort he's made toward getting his cock to calm the fuck down. "Some of your jokes are pretty great; I'll give you that. The dry ones make my day."

It feels backwards—and mildly alarming—to hesitate to brush her hair behind her ear for a moment. A few minutes ago, he'd been ready to go down on her in front of a room full of people. Now he's trying to find the nerve to touch her at all. Doing so gets easier when her eyes slip closed at the feeling of his fingertip moving down the side of her head. 

"Seeing you makes my day," he murmurs, not caring about letting his mouth run. It feels less intimidating in the wake of her compliment. God knows it's going to sit in his head. Probably forever. The fact that she probably can't hear it over the music certainly doesn't hurt.

Her eyes open back up slowly, with her smile taking on a wicked edge. "You feel like showing me your stash, old man?"

—

They haven't talked about it.

It's been less than an hour since they stopped dancing. In under sixty minutes, Bucky managed to get them a drink and all the way through Manhattan to the Avengers Tower. On a Friday, no less.

No wonder they threaten to revoke his license. Ava thought she was a speed freak behind the wheel. Now that she's got firsthand experience as his rear passenger, Bucky being allowed to have a motorcycle makes her question SHIELD more than ever.

He let her go up to the roof without him. He made it sound like he was doing her a favor by not making her go out of her way just to raid his stash with him. She's guessing it's got more to do with not being down for a surprise tour of his space. It's not as if she's going to fault him for it. 

The idea that she's actually going to let him fly her home after this is already hitting her nerves. If that's throwing her off, she has no clue where she's going to find the will to bring up the subject of—this. Tonight. What happened.

How far she was about to let it go.

He smells too good. She's decided to blame it on that, at least in her head. Mainly to make herself feel better about crossing that many ethical boundaries. It's easier than accepting that she was about to give a patient the go-ahead to finger her in the middle of a bar. Without so much as a word about it beforehand.

Ava pushes her hands under her glasses to hold her face, resisting the urge to scrub at it. She doesn't want to fuck up her makeup. Not while she still has to face Bucky. How stupid—and then she doubled down—god, now they're here, and he's getting weed—

"I was starting to think I'd never get you up here, doll."

The way his voice quells her anxious mind without any effort at all ties her stomach in a different kind of knot. She lowers her hands into her lap, giving him a half-smile. "I'd like to remind you that I'm the one who offered initially. And again tonight."

Bucky waves his free hand dismissively, his flesh one cradling a bag. "Semantics." He dumps it onto the wicker table she picked out herself. She hears glass hit metal, the sound muffled by the black cloth of the bag. "I didn't know if you were a bowl or a joint kinda gal. Figured I'd come prepared since I'm dealing with a degenerate commie."

"Steve was right about your manners," Ava insists, reaching out to open it with greedy fingers. She kicks her heels off under the table, getting distracted by the sight of him shaking his leather jacket off his shoulders. The man's tall enough to have to duck under the makeshift canopy built to account for Wyatt's height. "Tell me how many words you know for pot while I judge your choices."

"Are you forgetting they took me out for walks every few years?" Bucky walks around to her side and puts his jacket over her shoulders, surprising her. She looks up at him with a shy smile, momentarily forgetting the promise of weed picked out by a super soldier. He's such a gentleman that it's frankly obnoxious. One of his eyebrows raises at her. "Those walks included the 60s, young lady. I probably know more than you do."

"What do you remember about the 60s?" she goads as he sits down next to her.

"Plenty." Bucky props his arm up on the back of the couch, leaning into her space. She's grateful for it. Even with his jacket around her, it's freezing up here. The added warmth isn't the only reason she's grateful for it. "Personally, though, I think you would have had a better time in the 70s." He tilts his head back and forth a few times. "At least the parts of it I fucked around in."

The mental image of the Winter Soldier undercover in some sleazy disco hits her like a ton of bricks. It feels wildly inappropriate, even with him talking about it that openly. All the fantasies she has of Bucky do. Especially the ones she uses to get herself off lately. 

"I'm going to take your word for it," she murmurs. There's so much potential there to poke at him. He's offering up the bait on his end. Hell, there's still the list of weed names to dig for. But she can't get her mind to latch onto any of it with him this close.

He nudges his chin in the direction of her hands, which are still hovering in his little heap of paraphernalia. "You should start us up so I can get you home at a reasonable hour. I don't know how fast you like to—smoke."

It's astounding how good he is at riding the line between being a gentleman and a terror.

Ava looks back down at her hands with a smile. "That depends on the accuracy of your warning about this couch-locking me. Technically I'm off tomorrow, so I'm not about to say no."

"Do you smoke medicinal strains?"

"On occasion. I started for anxiety, oddly enough. Then I noticed it helped with my mood overall." She shrugs, setting aside his box of hemp papers. There's a heavy-looking grinder and two different pipes further in. One of them's a goddamn steamroller. He sticks with quality from what she can see so far. "I feel like there's a bong that was held back from this collection."

"There's a lot that was held back. I'm not gonna parade all my ill-gotten goods through the tower." His pauses while she gets the last of it emptied out." You gonna show me how it's done or put me to the test?"

"Definitely the latter." She turns her head to smile at him innocently, pushing her glasses up her nose. It makes his lips twitch. "I don't see anything to assist rolling. Does that mean you're confident enough to show me your handiwork?"

Bucky scoffs, his expression becoming entirely unimpressed. He almost looks offended, leaning over to grab the papers and the grinder. "You're telling me you people need tools these days? After all the work I put into teaching Captain America how to do it properly?"

Ava's brows shoot up in shock. "You're fucking kidding. I figured the weed was a new development—"

"Nah, I've been smoking since my first job." He's not watching his hands much as he lays out the foundation of his work. He's primarily watching her. "Worked for a guy that owed a corner store. He had family that ran a not-so-secret farm." He turns the grinder lid enough to loosen it, then flicks it to spin it the rest of the way off with a cocky grin. "I was an outstanding employee. So was Steve once I got him hired."

"America's Sweetest Stoners," Ava coos, making him chuckle. He's not stingy about what he's rolling for them. It makes her wonder how many plants he's got set up. "Do the two of you still smoke together?"

"He doesn't bother much. Takes a lot to build up any kind of buzz with our systems, so he looks at it the same way he does drinking at this point. He still shows up whenever Banner drops off some new hybrid monstrosity for me to try." Bucky glances over at her quickly, his fingers never stopping their work. "This is from one of the normal plants, don't worry. I won't start you off that far in the deep end."

Ava shrugs. Banner's main lab is here in the tower, so there's no chance the process isn't documented. JARVIS wouldn't let her use anything that could do her actual harm. "You can if you want, but you're responsible for explaining to Tony why I'm passed out on his roof."

He gives her the most insulted look. "I wouldn't leave you up on the roof. I'd be enough of a gentleman to carry you inside."

He's ruining her life. There's no way she's going to be able to walk away from tonight without being completely wrapped around his finger. It makes her smile at him like a hopeless fucking moron. "I believe you."

Bucky brings the most well-balanced joint she's ever seen up to his mouth, licking it closed in one smooth stroke. His eyes never leave hers. It makes her swallow. The fucker smirks at her and twirls the joint between his fingers, holding it out for her inspection.

"Well?" he prompts, watching her intently as she plucks it from his hand. He's preening. Waiting for his praise.

Goddamn him, she's going to have to give it to him. The joint is so perfectly rolled it's mesmerizing. Even distribution, not pulled overly tight, and meticulously sealed. She can't remember the last time she managed to do a job half that good. Bowls have always been her go-to. It's clear that this is his.

Ava giggles at the absurdity of it all. It feels surreal to be a step away from lighting up with a cyborg PoW she first read about in primary school. "You're such a dork. Shut up and hand over the lighter before your head explodes from being over-inflated."

"Now I know I did a damn good job by today's standards." For the second time that night, she gets the overwhelming urge to kiss Bucky as he reaches for the lighter. She props the joint between her lips to distract herself and lets him light it for her when he silently offers. The flame does stunning things to the color of his eyes in the dark. "You only tell me to shut up when you're really impressed with me."

She doesn't miss that he waited until she started inhaling to make the point. It makes her roll her eyes in exasperation. Ava can tell from the first drag that his shit is going to hit harder than her usual. She turns her head to blow it away from his face, handing back the joint. He tucks it between his fingers and brings it up to his mouth in one smooth motion.

"Now look who's outright lying. I tell you to shut up for various reasons." The muscles in his neck look unfairly good when he turns to exhale. It makes her want to run her tongue up his throat. She looks back up at his face. Everything below his chin is hazardous to her health at the moment. "I don't remember any of them being because I was impressed until now."

His eyes flick back to hers, then down to her mouth as he smiles. His hand was up her dress. It was between her legs only an hour ago. And yet watching him stare at her mouth still feels obscene. "You've got a real funny way of stroking my ego, doll."

"I get the feeling you enjoy it," Ava counters, snatching the joint from his fingers. "I wouldn't do it otherwise. You're always welcome to suggest an alternative."

"No, thanks. I'm a pretty big fan of what you do to me." 

Damn. Him.

Yes, the question was a check-in. Yes, she was trying to get a read on how far he wants this to go. Then he had to go and double down without hesitation. She knows by now what door he's trying to invite her through. 

Ava is so not brave enough for this conversation. It's not—it's complicated. She really shouldn't be working on his case if they're going to go down this road, at least not as his primary surgeon. She'll have to pass it on to Hannah and have a few very embarrassing conversations with a handful of people. Ones that involve fessing up to wanting to fuck Bucky Barnes.

She's not saying no. But she's not brave enough to say yes. At least not tonight, up here on the roof.

Ava leans back against the couch, feeling his arm curl in around her shoulders. "Good. Let me know if that changes."

—

u dont get to yell at me for the edging, i warned u that im gonna leave an * on smut chapters. anything less than Full Fuckin aint gettin the badge 😤 i have a Standard to uphold in this house of sin

(tho if anyone feels there shoulda been a warning tag for smthing you can always lemme know bb 💞)

also ill never be able to properly articulate how much i love writing cranky old fart bucko. heartstopper is stupid fun, feral trauma man keeps me on my toes, but stick-shaking geezer mode??? mr. “kids these days with their MEMES” himself??? beautiful. fantastic. superb. his final form, truly 🤌 i yearn to write more of it

anyways there are writers on the internet that can make their slow burn wholesome. in all my years on this space rock of ours, ive never been one of them

even if i do write the longfic of the sunshine dweebs steve and paige, that probably wont be all that wholesome of a slow burn either ajdhdskjfdjsjf. they ARE my tooth rotting fluff ship tho. mmm okay so maybe paige is a tragedy in disguise but its ME so thats expected 😌 the babes that like their romance extra sappy and cutesy take a lotta shit and deserve a Safe Space and steve rogers fits that bill, imho

bucky is for the babes that like to verbally get their hair pulled before hearing ily 🥰

the good news is, i get a few more chapters in this fic to torture you with before i let bucko and ava do the Big Sin (not murder, the other one. no, not hand holding, the other other one) 😌💖💞

also PieAnnamay's comment reminded me that i never linked my fav buckaroo fic, safe with me!!! for anyone else that hasnt stumbled upon bitsandbobsandstuff, i cant recommend them enough. i HIGHLY encourage you to go read through all their works while you’re waiting for updates on this, the bucky and steve fics are 😫🤌 perfection (i promise when i finally have a day to really do tumblr stuff, ill make a list of my fav fics/writers in my pinned post. i promise i will try to get to it Soon, i still havent even caught up on chapter posts there asldhfsadf)

❤️ https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798047/chapters/31721565

[ell-vellan]

-If baby is screaming/upset for long periods and you've Done All The Things, make sure a hair or thread has not wrapped around a finger, toe or other extremity. Hair Tourniquet syndrome is easy to miss bc those toes are ITTY BITTY.

-The leg bicycling thing for gas - watch a youtube video on how to do it right because I WAS NOT.

-Milk doesn't come in right away. It can take multiple days, though it's often quicker with subsequent babies. And it can take up to 6 weeks to regulate to baby's consumption needs.

-Be mindful of the latest research with regard to baby carriers and proper leg positions to lower hip dysplasia risk

-Rear face that baby in carseat as long as possible. No, it doesn't matter if their little legs look squished when they're two or three. As long as they fit within the height and weight requirements, it's vastly safer to rear face. "Most fire stations will check your carseat" or "hospitals will check your carseat" NO THEY WON'T, in the vast majority of cases, at least not properly. A CPST is who you want to go to for carseat education and installation. Carseats are a pain and they're all a little different, but they're so important.

-Unless your Boomer parent/grandparent has had a baby in the last 30 years, their advice will almost definitely be opposite of what it is now. They only started the Back to Sleep campaign in like '94. My nurse mother STILL thinks it's weird for babies to sleep on their backs because SHE didn't do that. "We did it this way and you survived" isn't good enough.

-Learn infant CPR and Heimlich. It's different than for adults. Take a class.

-Babies cry so much and there's often nothing you can do. For some reason, the 2nd day of life is just...the worst. As is the witching hour (a couple hours before bed.) running water is sometimes a magic solution, either listening to the shower or putting them in a bath. Or go outside.

-Sleep/nap schedules as early as possible. Just trust me. Newborns won't regulate sleep for weeks, but even just a tiny routine of clean diaper, song, rocking, and sleep sack/swaddle helps cue them in. Sleep hygiene, too - dark rooms, white noise, curtains drawn, short and calming sleep routine. You don't have to be strict with it, but it helps. Eventually. I promise. They don't know how to calm down to sleep. Don't let them get overtired; it will make sleep ironically harder. Read about wake windows and keep updating them by age.

-everything is a phase. the good and the bad. As soon as you think you have figured something out, it will change. It's frustrating feeling like you can never get it "right" but it's not you doing something wrong, it's a very fast-growing infant brain which needs very different things from week to week.

-Likewise it's normal and okay to not feel instant love. You don't know this new person yet. You're not a bad parent or broken if you don't feel a bond right away. It's normal and it will come with time. As they start to "wake up" and recognize you and learn to focus their eyes and smile, it gets a little easier.

-YOU CAN STILL GET PREGNANT EVEN IF YOU ARE BREASTFEEDING. you can get pregnant before your period even comes back. Take the 6-8 weeks of pelvic rest seriously and use whatever birth control you normally do after that. Regardless of birth method you will have a dinner plate sized wound from the placenta.

-baby steals the calcium right from your bones. It can take 2 YEARS to recover what you lost. Take calcium and go to the dentist, if you're able.

-You will sleep again one day. Until then, you might feel like you're losing your mind. You kind of are, and it's not your fault. The lack of sleep can make you hallucinate, lose patience, feel depressed, hate your partner, have poor memory and judgement. It's not safe. I've known people who fell asleep at red lights driving to work. Get help if you need it. Do whatever you can to get at least 4 uninterrupted hours.

seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby

- the obvious, they can’t have water bc milk is incredibly high in water already so excess water leads to over hydration

- babies cannot have honey until 1

- if ur breastfeeding your kid and saving excess milk, make sure you label what you pumped in the morning vs at night bc your body produces different melatonin levels throughout the day and giving your baby daytime milk at night can make them more alert and fuck up their sleep schedule

- idk why ppl keep saying this but swaddling your babies or getting them those baby straight jacket things is not abuse. It chills them out cuz it reminds them of the womb

- babies have a dandruff like buildup on their head called cradle cap, and it’s very easy to deal with and remove with just some baby shampoo, a gentle scrub brush (MADE FOR BABIES!!) and a comb. It does need to be removed tho cuz it can be very painful after a while. This can also continue to happen late into toddlerhood it’s normal

- you have to clean out the creases of your baby’s skin and hands and feet they WILL collect dust😭😭

- you cannot bathe your baby until their umbilical cord naturally falls off. Use a warm damp rag until then

- tummy time is actually very important

- your baby might have a misshapen head at first (not all the time but sometimes) this will either sort itself out or they’ll need a corrective helmet ask your doctor

- I wouldn’t recommend having your baby leave the house very much until they’re at least 6 months old, especially if they’re born near cold and flu season cuz the common cold can kill a newborn

- you’re not an awful horrible person for having postpartum depression and it’s always a million times better to let your baby cry a few minutes longer than normal while you regain your composure than to freak out and give ur kid shaken baby syndrome

- you’re not an awful horrible person for giving your baby formula milk either

- don’t put shoes on your baby it’ll compromise their toe box and balance

- babies put every single thing in their mouths

- the easiest way to burp a baby is to hold them straight up (spine straight) and hold their head a bit higher

- always support their head they barely have necks

- if your baby fights away food, fights tummy time, vomits every single time you burp them, is gaining or losing an unreasonable amount of weight at a time, wheezes after eating, or goes red after eating, chances are they’re probably allergic to the type of milk they’re eating (again ask a doctor but these are just some signs it’s not just colic)

- they will wobble a lot when learning to do things but you gotta fight the urge to help them every single time cuz they gotta learn

- they’re not always spitting out baby food cuz they don’t like it they just don’t know how to eat. Like they don’t know how to push food down they only know how to stick their tongue out so be patient

- babies craniums are broken up into three parts at first that later fuse together, this is to help make birthing easier but it results in a small EXTREMELY sensitive spot in the top of their head that has no protection. This puts their brain at a high risk. Always protect their soft spot

- read to your baby!! Get cute bright colorful sensory books with sight words and read them to your baby it makes such a huge difference in their educational growth and will help them acquire a love for reading early on. And talk to them never shut up just say whatever comes to mind all the time this will strengthen their vocabulary growth also.

- babies poop like a lot. A lot. an unreasonable amount. Bring back up clothes and more diapers than you think

- no pillows or stuffies in the crib and only use a muslin blanket unless it’s especially cold to prevent suffocation

- babies kick reflexively until they’re out of their newborn scrunch (they stay womb shaped for a while) and if your baby is crying and pushing at the swaddle try letting them flail around for a minute

- consoling your baby is not spoiling them ! They need comfort and they will learn to self soothe on their own

- singing lullabies actually works, they can recognize your voice a consistent place of comfort from the womb and the cadence of lullabies is literally engineered to create a calm headspace

- for the love of god do not get boring ass beige toys. Colors are important for their neurological development

- babies are very responsive to praise from a young age so be as supportive of them as you can

- babies get constipated a lot and you have to do like tummy massages to help ease their pain the easiest way is to lay them on their backs and hold one foot in each hand, kick their feet like bicycles, scrunch up, and then stretch their legs out

- holding them on your hip too much will not cause bow legged-ness if your baby is bow legged that was always gonna happen

- they drool so so much and you have to get bibs for them so they don’t get chest eczema

- don’t use scented products on their skin cuz their skin is sooo much thinner than ours

- when your baby first starts sitting on their own never walk away from them without setting up a nest of pillows and blankets around them. Even minor head trauma can mess them up sometimes

- this one is kinda morbid and scary but sometimes babies just die out of nowhere and it’s no one’s fault or anything it’s called sudden infantile death syndrome(SIDS) and it’s about 1.3k deaths on average per year in America so not super common but still very real. 90% of these deaths happen during the first four months however edit: apparently it’s bc of an enzyme deficiency which at the very least you can take steps to try and prevent

- smoking and drinking during pregnancy WILL affect your baby and your breast milk and also might contribute to SIDS cases

- babies sometimes have a big red mark on them somewhere called a stork bite immediately after birth but typically it goes away

- babies can’t see very well for a while after birth and they’re VERY wobbly so they’ll typically bonk their head into your chest and face a lot while trying to support themselves

- female babies might have smth similar to a period the first few days after birth, this is because of the hormone transfer that happens during the birthing process and the days leading up to it

- male babies get random erections for the first few days after birth(hormone transfer again) literally do not be weird about this it’s a baby

- things like weaning your baby onto solid foods, potty training, weaning off pacifiers etc, can actually be directed by the baby and will happen naturally will minimal guidance from the parent(some guidance is still necessary) although I would do individual research into baby led weaning for food to prevent choking

- get those chewy feeding pouches to help with weaning

- the most random things will scare the hell out of your baby don’t take it personal 😭

- baby carriers are life savers (tulas are one of my favorites)

- once babies hit toddlerhood they’re tougher than you think, and a lot of their reaction is based on YOURS. they’re always going to be looking to you for how to react to a situation. Remain calm and if they’re ok they’ll calm down but if they’re genuinely hurt they’ll keep crying

- babies will most likely get ridiculously attached to an inanimate object and you have to keep this thing intact at all costs until they’re old enough to abandon it or they will throw a FIT. I got a lemur plushie from a zoo once and every single one of the kids has bonded their soul with it until about 6 years old and once a month I have to stitch him back up

- don’t compare yourself to other parents. Maybe your kid isnt getting grass fed wild caught north Atlantic cheerios but at least they’re fed. If your kid is alive and healthy and happy you’re doing a good job

- you will need 3 car seats, an infant seat, a grow with me toddler seat, and a booster seat

- getting a good diaper bag is a MUST

- the hair a baby is born with will most likely all fall out or they’ll get a bald spot on the back of their head where they sleep cuz their hair is so fragile and thin but once it grows back it grows back thick

- get like 20 muslin blankets so you always have a backup when the main ones are covered in spit up

- the babies grip IS stronger than yours (keep your hair up and keep pets away best you can)

- your best bet for your teething baby is a pacifier you can put your finger in so you can massage their gums and some chewing toys numbing cream can be dangerous and should be used sparingly

- go ahead and come to terms with the fact you’re gonna have to use a Frida Baby to manually remove snot

- babies can get hair and thread wrapped around their toes and fingers that can cut off their circulation try to make a habit of checking

- don’t hit your kid please it’s nothing but trauma and fucked up coping mechanisms from there pls empathize with your child they’re a person too

- be careful not to pull too hard on their arms and legs(like during play or holding their hand while they walk) and NEVER pick them up by their hands this will very easily cause dislocation

- they might have a little tooth like callous on their lip from their pacifier. This does not hurt them and it will go away but it may hurt during breastfeeding

- breastfeeding will make your boobs different sizes

Yeag that’s all I can think of rn but yk i Will add as I remember stuff ppl are also adding things I forgot in the tags in case you’d like to look thru that as well <3

[lolita-lollipop]

Royal siren erasermic family? They like adopt you after you hatch from an egg bc they found you or something idk and take you back to the castle and make you their little princess or something cute and fluffy like that.

YANDERE SIREN ERASERMIC FAMILY X BABY PRINCESS READER

Shinso was just out and about, swimming through some forbidden areas he wasn’t supposed to be in, avoiding sharks, when he found an iridescent little ball under some rubble of a shipwreck, it made his gills tingle at the sweet aura that it emmited, he knew, that this creature, was something to protect. It was up until he saw something moving inside that he thought it was just some ancient treasure that would’ve died with this ship, he examined it closer, squinting his eyes, that’s when he realized, it was a Siren. A baby one at that, usually they hatched out of boring white eggs, the royal family’s were gold, but a shiny color changing white that combated the finest of jewels? Never, this little pip was special, he could feel it.

So he brought it back home, through his “balcony window”, debating wether or not he should tell his parents. As you know, he was somewhere where he was not supposed to be, and they would throw a fit. Then again, whatever this thing was, he couldn’t just keep it to himself, something was living inside it, and he wouldn’t know if something was wrong, so he has too. When he did, it came as a suprise that his parents weren’t mad, they jsut kindof stared at the orb, inhaling the addictive scent it gave off, the three huddled around it, aizawa carefully picking the Small thing up, it was only about the size of a pumpkin, extremely easy to pick up, yet he could still feel the heartbeat of a creature inside, it just had to be one of the sirenfolk , there isn’t any other explanation. He stared at it in confusion, noticing the small cracks staring to form.

Then a little hand popped through, and scared the shit out of all of them.

———

As it turned out, you were in fact a siren, a rare subtype of them, thought to have gone extinct long, long ago. The opal-looking scales that littered your arms and tail showed proof of it, this species were intensely more fragile, and weaker, that’s why they went extinct, as they couldn’t hear, and a small crabs pinch could cause major bone breaks, they were just too weak, yet so beautiful. That’s why they were coveted among the royal family. It only helped their growing obsession taht you were so cute.

It might’ve been an act of I’mpulse, but they just needed to have you as their own, of course, their word is law, so they could’ve just kept you, but they felt the need to make it official, they’d already had two pips, you’re just their third! It was simple, of course, you specific species could be born into sirenfolk families, it was just so rare that it had only happened once. You were just so cute, so fragile, just something so breakable, they just

H a d

To protect this tiny lil thing, it was instinctual to feel a protective pull over their little pups, and boy were they feeling that right now, you were special, not just any baby, but you were theirs. Their special little pup, nothing would ever lay a hand on you, ever. It had only be a few days, and word spreads through the underwater kingdom like a wave, from the servant maid who showed them how to take care of you, to the head maid, to a citizen, to the fisher, and eventually, by the end of the week, the whole kingdom was eagerly waiting to get a glimpse of their new princess.

And boy were they shocked to find out it was an opalite, the most rare of rare sirens in the world. Immediately after they had shown you to the world, sitting in a large clam as it was pulled by sharks, the citizens fell in love with you, maybe it was the fact that you were related to their beloved royals, maybe because the royal family would intensely glare at anyone who made negative comments, maybe it was the fact that a few of those people went missing, but who knows right?

You still hadn’t been able to open your eyes yet, and you won’t be able to hear them for a very long time, your hands were about the size of aizawas eye, and you looked closer to a fish than a human, as you hadn’t even developed your face yet, another plus to being the endangered species, note the sarcasm. And guess what? They found it so adorable, just their cute little baby, their little pup who can’t even protect themselves from the water around them. They just loved every part of your little body, from your tails, to your tiny little hands, to your shiny gills. It was all just so perfect- you were so perfect, and you were theirs, they were gonna protect you at all costs.

So of course they did, you were just so tiny right now, they knows practically anything could hurt you, so they opted to be around you all the time, only leaving to hunt for humans that would suffice for their tastes, drawling them in, determined because of that little smile of yours. You motivated them to do it, they were doing this for you. It have them all a sense of pride to have you feel safe with them, to rite them you. On their own terms.

Eri was constantly around you, being that she was a young one just like you, and you were her little sister! So she wanted to always be around while you made those echoing gurgling noises, or flapped your hands around in the water, she didn’t have responsibility in the kingdom yet, unless being cute is a job, so she can be with you jsut as much as she wants. Always sitting with you while you played with the floating pearls that they had arranged over your play area, watching you feel new things, holding you while you dozed off with adorable little bubbles, she always was with you.

Like now, she’s been with you all day, giving you little snacks, glaring at the guards at the door who always had their eyes on you… creeps. The sun was almost setting, and when you’re low down in the ocean it goes pitch black after a little while, and that’s when the jellyfish come out, tonight was one of the most special days out of the year in the northern oceans, the jellyfish festival, the one night a year when the rare white jellyfish would come out to say hi, leaving trails of shimmering sparkle behind them, painting the upper levels of the ocean a shiny silver. It just so happened that it occurred on your first birthday, a very small increment to sirens, as they live almost a billion years, but still a big accomplishment in their eyes. Look! Their little baby girl is turning one! How amazing!

“Do you see them hon? Look, they’re just starting to appear” Aizawa asked both you and eri calmly, swishing his hand through the salty water to pint at the new appearance of white and purple blobs, slowly flouncing their way overhead. Eri smiled up at it, her pointed teeth displayed in full view, her eyes shined at the view, not only of the huge jellyfish, but also at you, who was placed delicately in mics lap, sat up against his chest. Little bubbles escaped your mouth as you blew raspberries into the water, just making the family laugh.

“Mm-hmmm! Look! Look! How pretty! I wanna touch em! Can I touch em!” She yelled at her parents, excitedly pointing towards the jelly’s floating towards the surface, her hair floated behind her as she swished around, shinsho just chuckled, knowing that she eventually would try to touch them, and get zapped, again, like last year, and the year before, and the year before.

“No hon. Don’t do that to us again, you wanna wish your sister a happy birthday? She’s probably really exited!” Mic cheered, distracting his daughter from touching the jellyfish, yet again, meanwhile, you were happily bouncing up and down on his lap, enjoying the freedom of your arms, swishing them all over the place, grabbing the beads around your neck, jsut anything.

“But dad! Why not! It’s not like it’s hurt me or anything I’ll be fi-“ she begged, throwing her hands up in a small tempter tantrum, clearly forgetting her previous events of pain, and idiocy.

“No- nope no no, we aren’t doing this again, please honey, just please, remember last time, we had to clean up your wounds OUTSIDE-of water, you hate going to the surface remember? “

“Yeah but-“ she started speaking, but was soon cut off with a loud giggle, resonating through your lips, kindof rare for you, you hadn’t been very vocal outside of a few gurgles here and there, so it had each and every ones heads turning. That’s when they saw it, your beautiful eyes, shin sing in reflection to the jellyfish. Those beautiful little eyes of yours mesmerized all of them, a pitch black (for protection from the salt), with a shiny silver-like pupal, immediately after they opened, a burst of color filled your vision. You giggled and clapped your hands together with a small toothless smile, watching as the floaty creates went overhead, glittering with the light.

The absolutely gorgeous splash above was admired by the family form their own viewing post, the blues and whites combined to make a heavenly display. You could feel the cool sprinkles of light they emmited hitting your skin, smiling at the feeling, you splayed your hands out and flailed them against the water.

“Ohhhhhh- oh wow. Honey! Honey look! Her eyes opened! Look at taht! Aren’t you just so magical! Look at you, my little pup.” Mic smacked Aizawa over the chest multiple times, pointing at your clearly opened eyes, you just remained oblivious, staring up at all the new things around you, like.. everything! He turned you around to face him, letting you actually see his face for the first time, taking in the long yellow hair, the (also) black eyes, the ethereal face dotted with shiny yellow gills, him, you could see him!

“She’s developing smoothly, I’m glad. Awww, that’s pretty cute.” Aizawa replied to him, holding in his emotions, as soon as he met those new eyes of yours it’s like everything else disappeared, like the world itself didn’t exist, outside of him, and his fmaily. You took his breath away, or what you could call breath, so cute and innocent, such a small thing, that brings so much joy. Your little tail swished back and forth as you stared up at them happily, taking in the features of the people you’d learned to recognize by touch. Blowing raspberries out of your lips with a stream of bubbles.

“Awwwww! I’m gonna cry, she’s growing so fast! Soon she’ll be swimming in her own! In like 200 years! Too soon, way too soon. Comers baby- mm hmmm” mic spoke, knowing full well that even if he did cry, his tears would get sucked in by the ocean. He pulled you close, moving your head I’ve this shoulde is it would rest in the crook of his neck while he hugged you, eventually, the others joined in, eri practically flopping ontop (with careful regard for you of course).

They all stared at you, while you stared up at the “sky”, oblivious to their stares, to the ways they would growl at anyone who came close, to how they kept you from seeing anyone other than what they personally approve. After all, you are jsut their little pup, of course you wouldn’t notice! Their little pup… feels right to say that, it isn’t like you have any family waiting, they aren’t ever gonna come here.

And if they ever did?

Then, well, a few mermaids are going missing

———————————————————————————————————

Thanks for requesting, this was fun to write!

Have a great day today! Goodbye.

[basicmyherowhore]

Stranger With Your Face [3]

Multiple Yandere! MHA x Reader

[[0] [1] [2] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

Summary: Steps towards the future are being taken. Izuku and Katsuki spend time with you and we’ll as each other as they prepare for what’s coming next. The more time they spend with you, the farther they find themselves falling.

Pairings: Various Mha x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Midoriya x Reader.

Warnings: mentions of amnesia, small traces of Yandere/obsessive behavior.

Notes: I ended up focusing on the Izuku x Reader x Katsuki aspect of this series for this part and I like how it came out. It’s very fluffy and i think it sets a good tone for the reader bc this is where she starts to begin trusting in these two (which will come back to haunt her later ;) ) This is also a bit longer than the other parts so I hope you enjoy the extended reading experience :)

When Izuku said he would have his bags packed by the next day he wasn’t kidding. He stayed with you until you fell asleep then left the hospital with vigor in his step. He returned to the small apartment that he lived in by himself to gather the things he thought he would need while staying with you at Kacchan’s.

He packed fairly light, just the essentials. Clean clothes, his hygiene products, his hero costume and support items. While he was digging through his closet to find his favorite hoodie he stumbled upon something he hadn’t seen in a long time. His high school year book.

Just the sight of it made his heart feel heavy. Because of the circumstances surrounding your disappearance the school included two pages dedicated solely to you. When class 3A originally discovered the page there wasn’t a single student without tears in their eyes. He could still feel the sting in his eyes even all these years later, even after knowing that you were back. Waves of despair washed over him.

Then suddenly the sadness he felt shifted to feelings of rage. He could only imagine all the things you had been through within the seven years you were gone. Though he wishes you remembered so that they could identify and punish the villains that harmed you, a part of him was thankful that you didn’t remember. He could only imagine the suffering you would go through living with the haunting memories.

He grabbed the book and tossed it into his duffel bag. Maybe he’d show it to you, but then again maybe he wouldn’t.

He finished packing the rest of his things then got into bed hoping to get a decent night’s sleep. He planned to head over to Kacchan’s early in the morning.

\(•~•)/

Katsuki is already started to regret his decision. When shitty Deku was knocking on his door at 6 a.m. that was strike one. When useless Deku made himself comfortable in Katsuki’s apartment the second he entered, that was strike two. Now that fucking Deku was sorting through his pantry, searching for something to eat, he was dancing on the line of strike three.

The blonde rubs his temples hoping to alleviate some of the pain blooming in his head. He has stress headaches often, but none of them were ever this strong. He huffs as he looks up at the shit nerd munching on one of his protein bars. They make eye contact and Deku swallows quickly, getting ready to speak.

“This is a two bedroom condo right?” He asks before taking another bite.

“Yeah, what about it?” Katsuki crosses his arms, the idea of kicking this loser out becoming more appealing by the second.

“Well, when Y/N comes to stay it would make sense for her to take the other bedroom, so I guess that means I’m taking the couch.”

“I thought that was obvious.” He rolls his eyes, snatching a protein bar for himself. He opens the wrapper and is about to take a bite when a thought occurs to him. “Does she know?” Deku pauses too.

“Oh. I forgot to tell her.” The freckled face dunce rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “After you left some doctors came to check up on her and run more tests. It must’ve just slipped my mind with the busyness of things.”

“Fucking idiot.” Katsuki growls, growing more annoyed by his counterpart’s conducive nature to fuck things up. He takes a deep breath and considers the current state of things. “No, maybe this it better.”

“What do you mean?” A dark brow is quirked at the blonde.

“If she doesn’t know where she’s going then she won’t be able to tell anyone where she’ll be.” A smirk appears on Katsuki’s normally scowling face.

“I still don’t follow.” Izuku frowns at the odd look on Katsuki’s face.

“If you were a villain and someone that you captured managed to escape, what would you do?” Katsuki proposes the theoretical situation to explain it to Deku in a way he’d understand best.

“I would either go into hiding or look for the escapee to keep them silent and recapture them.” Deku answers after a moment of thought, hand holding his chin as if he was considering many things at once.

“Exactly. And if you know your escapee would most likely wind up in a hospital, wouldn’t you find a way to infiltrate the medical staff? Disguised and whatnot, getting your escapee to trust you enough to tell them where they’re going after they’re discharged. When they’ll be alone...and vulnerable-“ Katsuki can see the realization dawn on Deku’s dumb face.

“Oh! So in case one of her captors has infiltrated the hospital, she won’t tell them where she’ll actually be. That’s really smart Kacchan.” He beams at Katsuki who rolls his eyes again. “But what if she isn’t comfortable or gets upset once she figures out we lied to her?”

“We’ll just explain to her that it’s for her own good. She’ll get used to us and everything will be fine.” He quickly brushes Deku’s concerns away. “Enough dicking around, I have to go to my agency and you’re supposed to be back at the hospital with Y/N.”

Deku nods his head and cleans up whatever mess he made while looking for food. They both exit Katsuki’s condo at the same time, heading to the parking garage where Deku’s car was parked in the visitor’s spot.

“I’ll probably stop by the hospital after work, see you later.” Katsuki calls across the lot before climbing into his car and pulling off, not waiting for a response from the other man. He wants to get this work day done and over with.

\(•~•)/

Back at the hospital, you were sitting in the armchair that stood next to the window. With your legs drawn to your chest and your head resting on your knee you look so small. In a daze you stare out at the world just out of your reach, watching as cars drove in and out of the parking lot, pulling onto the busy road and going elsewhere. It felt like everyone had somewhere to go or something to do. And here you are, just sitting around waiting for something to happen. Waiting for anything to happen.

It seems like your silent prayer is answered when there’s a knock at the door. A moment later a familiar bush of green hair catches your eye as Izuku steps into the room. You can’t help the unconscious smile that graces your lips at the sight of someone to keep you company.

“Hi Y/N! How are you today?” He smiles a kind smile, making you feel warm on the inside.

“Mentally or physically?” You joke to mostly yourself, before sighing. “I don’t hurt anywhere. I feel perfectly fine so I don’t know why I have to sit around and wait two more days to leave.” If you could see yourself you would know that you looked like a small child pouting about being bored. Izuku couldn’t help but find it incredibly cute. He takes a seat on your empty bed that sits across from the window.

“The doctors just want to make sure that there is no residual or underlying damage.” He gives you a sympathetic look. “I know you’re getting a little stir crazy but we still have no idea what your body has gone through. We just want to be prepared.” You slump further into yourself at his words. You know he’s right but you don’t want to admit it.

Izuku watches as your mood continues to darken and he quickly feels his own attitude starting to slip too. He remembers something that causes him to perk up. “Wait right here.” He jumps up and is out the door before you can respond with ‘Where else can I go?’

You wait patiently for him to return, staring at the door until you heard footsteps nearing. You turn your head to make it seem as though you weren’t watching the door the entire time he was gone. You look over to see him with both arms behind his back. Your brow quirks at him.

“Here hold out your hand.” He instructs you and you listen, holding out your palm for him to place something in your outstretched hand. You look down to see a...candy bar? He sees the confusion written on your face. “During our time at U.A. you loved sweets. Every day at lunch you would eat some kind of cake and you had your own cabinet full of treats in the dorms.”

You open the wrapper, not noticing how Izuku watched your every move. With a bit of hesitation you take a bite of the bar and as it’s sugary taste coats your tongue, your eyes light up with joy.

“Mmm!” You can’t help but voice your enjoyment of the sweet, the airy moan making Izuku blush furiously. “-is delicious, ‘Zuku!” You cheer with a mouth full, causing your words to come out a bit slurred. It’s all too cute for Izuku to handle, he had to turn away from you to contain himself. He mumbles his ‘you're welcome’ facing the opposite direction.

You finish the candy bar in record time, licking the melted chocolate from your finger tips. Izuku staring at you in a daze goes unnoticed by you as you unknowingly suck your fingers in such an alluring way. You turn back to him once your satisfied with the cleanliness of your hands.

“That was really yummy, thanks again.” And you smile a smile so beautiful that Izuku is stunned. For a moment you looked like the girl he knew seven years ago...He shakes himself out of his stupor before he embarrasses himself.

“You’re welcome, I just wanted to cheer you up. I’ll get you something sweet whenever you want, all you have to do is ask.” Though it seems like a simple promise, you have no idea how serious this promise is to Izuku. He will never let you down.

You give a small smile and nod before moving on to something else. “So what do we do now to pass the time?” You ask, feeling boredom edging back into your system.

“What do you want to do?” Izuku answers your question with a question, wanting to do whatever would make you the happiest. You hesitate for a moment, having a request that you were unsure you wanted to voice.

“Can...can you tell me stories about what it was like in U.A.?” A huge grin blooms on his face at your request.

“Absolutely.”

\(•~•)/

By the time Katuski gets off of work that night he’s tired. He’s tired but the thought of seeing you gives him energy. He stops at his condo before going to the hospital. He takes a quick shower before changing into his civilian clothes, wanting to be fresh and draw little attention with his visit to you.

As he drives down the road leaving his condo he happens to notice a little flower shop on the corner. Though he’s never given flowers directly to a girl before he figured you would appreciate the gesture. He gets a bouquet and gently places them on his front seat, then continues on to the hospital.

It’s later in the day so visiting hours are almost over. Lucky for him that with his hero status he has more wiggle room in situations like this. And honestly who’s gonna kick out the number two pro hero?

Walking down the hall that leads to your room he can see the faint glow from underneath the door. With it he can also hear the sound of your melodious laughter. He smiles at the sound without even noticing.

Katsuki knocks once before opening the door to find you sitting next to a happy looking Deku. While he was a bit annoyed that the shitty bastard was able to have so much time with you, he was happy you had someone to keep you company.

“Katsuki.” You acknowledge him with a small smile, making his heart skip a beat or two. He quickly hides his warm face by pushing the bouquet of flowers towards you.

“Here.” Katsuki mutters. You take the flowers from his hands in awe, staring at the delicate blossoms in front of you.

“These are beautiful.” You coo, still swept up in the beauty of the flowers. The gentle smell that floated into your nose had you sighing in delight.

“They were your favorite.” Katsuki scratched the back of his head, embarrassed for admitting that remember such a small detail from so long ago. He awkwardly takes a seat in the chair by the window. You surprise him by grabbing his wrist gently and looking him in the eye.

“Thank you.” You give him a genuine, full on smile, and all at once it feels like the world is caving in on Katsuki.

How did he live seven years of his life without you in it?

“Tch, it was nothing.” He scoffs, ignoring the fact that his skin feels cold without your warmth. “What were you two talking about before I got here?” Katsuki changes the subject.

“Oh! Izuku was telling me stories about U.A.” You look over at Izuku as if you were looking for a conformation. The green haired man nods his head with a small smile.

“Yeah? Any about me?” Katsuki is able to fall back into his confident role without a struggle, smirking as you bob your head up and down.

“Yeah actually. Izuku tells me that you won the sports festival during our first year.” You start, inflating Katsuki’s ego without knowing. “But you had to be physically restrained?” Suddenly the growing bubble that was Katsuki’s ego popped.

“Physically restrained? That’s a goddamn overstatement if I ever heard one.” He growled, feeling embarrassed in front of you once more.

“Izuku even showed me the picture!” There’s a wicked glint in your eye that Katsuki catches onto. You’re teasing him on purpose.

“I still won, didn’t I?” He gloats, acting as if your words didn’t mess with him. “That loser broke like 6 of his bones and didn’t even place.”

“Kacchan!” Izuku gasps, feigning anger as he glares playfully at the other man. You can’t help but burst into a fit of giggles, finding the way that the two interacted hilarious. You laugh so hard that your cheeks flush and your smiling uncontrollably.

Once again you cause both men to freeze. Their hearts beating so loud that they think everyone else in the room can hear it. Both of them feel their faces heating up and turn away from you so that you can’t see. They feel like some love struck idiots.

How could you be so- so intoxicating?

[kiss4kazu]

ooh! can i request something spicy?? maybe headcanons of claude, dimitri, and felix’s kinks?

spicy hcs | dimitri, felix, claude

this is combo between just kink hcs and also how first times being freaky w these three go hahhahahahhahah screams. this is not safe for kiddos so proceed with caution folks 

felix <3 

whew, okay. sweats. um 

so the first time u and felix do the do was definitely not planned. things tend to escalate a lot with felix when it comes to intimacy. pecks goodnight lead up to make out sessions and all of a sudden his hand is down your pants and you’re honestly not complaining. 

felix is definitely more of a giver than a receiver, not because he liked giving, but because he liked being in control. he liked seeing you writhe beneath him and all that jazz. 

he’d definitely deny you from reaching your high multiple times, partially to draw out the activity since you tend to come quite quickly beneath his touch but also because hearing you whine his name helplessly was a really big fucking turn on and he always swelled with pride knowing he was the only person who can turn you into a sobbing mess. 

felix has 2 moods. his soft and pliant types of fucking, and his arrogant, i’m big bad felix fraldarius and my cock is 30inches long type of fucking. he knows hes hot, he knows he has a pretty dick, might as well utilize it.

he hates praise when it’s ingenuine, for things intangible that he hadn’t earned himself. when it’s people praising him for his title or the power of a fraldarius battalion. 

but praise when it comes from you? when it’s you letting him know just how amazing he feels inside of you, how with every thrust of his hips your brain short-circuits and your eyes water with unspilled tears? when it’s you not being able to even form coherent words anymore because felix fraldarius is throbbing inside of you... yeah, that kind of praise. it does wonders for him and his dick. 

he’s also into hair-pulling

and overstimulation

hes also rly rly easily jealous like if someone else was making eyes with you or perhaps you were giggling a little too loudly with some handsome noble he’d just yank you away and march u up the stairs to his dormitory before kissing you hard 

he’s the type to make u beg and be rly possessive he’d just fuck you so ruthlessly hair stuck to his skin, panting “you’re mine. mine. say it” and u would just cry bc why tf he so sexy hello-

as mentioned in my kissing post, felix sucks the life out of you when he kisses you so it’s only logical that he fucks the life out of you too.  

im kidding ofc!! not rly

although he’s on the giving end of things, it’s still completely self-indulgent, felix gets off just knowing he’s getting you off because he’s a sexy narcissist like that. 

but on some days, he really really wanted you to know he cared a lot about you. 

felix isn’t the best with words, but he was really good with his tongue, so things usually worked out okay. he’d kiss you, everywhere. every inch of you, leaving hickeys in even the most visible places because who fucking cares. you were his, he needed you to know that. he needed everyone to know that. 

he can be sensitive sometimes too, make love, if you will. 

he has to be rly emotional tho, so it’s probably after something eventful happens in his life. like when the kingdom takes back fhirdiad, or wins the war. or when he’s sleepy and tired and wakes up hard and is just too lazy to put on his big bad scary persona. 

sleepy felix is submissive felix, aka my favorite felix. sleepy horny felix is all whiny and blushy and just wanted to come and he absolutely despised himself for it

you were well aware of how much he hated himself for being soft and needy, but that made teasing him all the more fun.

so yes, some nights felix would fuck you brainless and soak in the sound of your voice crying out his name helplessly. but on other nights, felix would lay down, his hair splayed against the pillow, your fingers twirling his locks and tugging gently as your other hand jerked him off, lips pressed against his as you breathed in his whines and grunts.

hearing him whine was a really rare sight, but it did slip out occasionally, when you squeezed the base of his member unexpectedly or when you took him deep into your throat and swallowed around him. felix really likes fucking your mouth. 

yeah felix is an emotionally constipated sex god 

claude ! 

whew lord. 

ok so claude, my sweet, cheeky, little shit <3 

the first time probs wasnt even intentional with him either he was just teasing you a little too much and things got a bit carried away but it’s a great time nonetheless

doing the do with claude is probably a rollercoaster ride, he would literally never shut up and would just say the most stupid things and you’d hate yourself for still being so desperate for his touch because somehow in between his terrible jokes and merciless teasing he whispered complete filth into your ears.

he’s a master of dirty talk, chuckling against the shell of your ear at the sound of you choking out a sob at his words, tugging at your earlobe just to spur you on even further. 

“don’t tell me you’re clocking out already?” you’d just glare at him in frustration despite your flushed cheeks and he’d kiss you on the tip of your nose and laugh in amusement at your misery 

he’ll literally do everything but fuck you, covering every inch of your skin in love bites, especially your chest. he’d literally eat you out or suck you off until you were dizzy but if you want him inside of you, he’d definitely make you beg. 

if you ever tried to get smart with him… um, he’d uh .. p-punish you 

not like in a pain kink type of way he’d just pull out right before you could nut and would laugh maniacally in your face afterwards because that’s what you get for being a smart ass ! denying u from coming is basically how he punishes u so its a pretty long night but claude’s really really good with his tongue so you’re guaranteed to come like 3 times at minimum anyways

he’d devour you, all smirks and with eyes filled with mirth and he wouldn’t give in until you were absolutely wrecked under him. 

he’s very um… dominant, i would say

but not an aggressive dom, definitely a playful dom who enjoys edging and teasing a bit too much 

he’s also pretty experimental, i can see claude as a bit of an exhibitionist also, he’d probably fuck you in the cathedral just for shits and giggles 

but he is human and despite how much of  a little shit claude is he’s just as wrecked as you he’s just much better at hiding it 

he’d probs quit the teasing once he himself can’t handle it anymore

and wow uh thats when claude gets all sensual 

when claude’s kind of in overdrive and completely uncoordinated just messily thrusting over and over again to finally get you both to that place thats when he becomes all romantic and lovey 

would compliment you to no amounts end, call you all sorts of pet names like honey, sweetheart, baby, etc. 

his messy curls would stick to his skin, his forehead pressed firmly against yours, verdant eyes blown wide maintaining eye contact with you just for that extra level of intimacy because watching you when you’re like this really drives him over the edge. 

he’d pant against your lips, kiss you roughly and somehow find it in himself to even let out an amused laugh because he’s having sex and that’s kind of funny for some reason

claude’s pull-out game probably a1 but idk he’s possessive in less conventional ways so i feel like he’d  get off to the thought of releasing inside you and watching him drip down your thighs bc yea

claude is also the king of aftercare let it be known

he’d have so much energy after sex for some reason like he’d just hop right up clean your bodies, fetch you tea if you wanted some and curl up with you resting on his chest, running his fingers over the skin of your arms tenderly and smiling softly to himself when exhaustion takes over you and you slip into a warm slumber against his chest. 

i love him bye

dima 

ok so dimi is a busy busy boy and even when he does have free time he’s never entirely there his mind is always kind of somewhere else u know 

he’s always struggled w getting a proper night's rest and always overworks himself into hysteria

so, as his lovely s/o, you presume a nice session to destress will help loosen those knots in his muscles and all that chaos whirring around in his mind

you were thinking a nice trip to the sauna or something

but dimi had other ideas 

 he’d just look at you and his gaze would darken all of a sudden and with just a glance at him you already feel the wind being knocked out of you 

it would be rly sudden, like dimitri’s just rly needy all of a sudden and he’s taking whatever you’ll give rly he has so much pent up stress and needs some form of release and he’s so so emotional and touchy and won’t stop kissing you with so much fervor and desperation

dimi is 1000% a lovemaker im sorry u cannot convince me otherwise. unless he is feral. if he is feral then understandable have a good day. 

he’s all about pampering and kissing every inch of you and asks every five minutes is this okay? are you comfortable? does that hurt? are you sure? because he’s terrible with fragile things and if he ever hurt you he’d never forgive himself poor baby

part of you just wants to grab his face and say !!! im fine !!! you big idiot !! but you just pull him to your chest and nuzzle your face into his neck and breathe him in deeply, kissing his jaw gently before reassuring him i’m fine dimi, stop worrying 

he’d calm down instantly and focus back on the task at hand, pleasuring the love of his life hehe

BODY WORSHIPPING non stop praises just kissing everywhere his lips come across you’d love it but hate it at the same time bc part of you just wants him in u already and the other half of u is just so so enamoured by him and feels so warm and loved and appreciated

he’s more of a giver than a receiver as well though for opposite reasons compared to felix, he worries about your comfort so much to the extent where it distracts him from his own pleasure, and it isn’t until he’s inside of you that he remembers and is like oh wow fuck and yea things dont usually last very long for him since he always neglects his own pleasure in favor of yours. he gets so focused on making u feel good because he loves you so much and he needs you to know that so yeah he doesn’t remember to even touch himself lmao 

you’d probably come like twice before dimi even whips his schlong out 

at the peak of his pleasure tho dimi gets kinda rough ngl. he’s a person whos very emotionally driven so when everything gets to be a bit too much he’s just slamming into you with so much force your skin stings, grip so tight on your hips there’s sure to be bruises in the morning but despite how rough he is his eyes are nothing but gentle and so so loving 

probably says something like oh seiros when he’s about to come LMAOOO 

dimi is also a king with aftercare but he’d probably knock out like a log afterwards and it’d be like the best sleep he’d get tbh all warm and satiated and just content

dimi sex god 

[awindylife-writes]

Voyage of the Damned Part 1

Relationships: the Doctor x reader, Astrid x reader (platonic), Astrid x Doctor (platonic)

Summary: Voyage of the Damned rewrite. The Doctor and you find yourselves on the Titanic, space edition. You meet Astrid and get ready for a wonderful day, but then a meteor shower hits the ship and it starts falling towards Earth.

Author's notes: There was a number of things l didn't like about this Christmas special so again, l rewrote it.

Warnings: a ship crashes, multiple mentions of dearth bc a lot of people die

You were ready to go to sleep for the night after Martha left. The events that had transpired were physically and emotionally exhausting. You were so glad she gave you a lifeline back to her, you didn't know what you would have done with yourself otherwise. And she wasn't gone forever, you had to keep reminding yourself. It still felt like losing her though, it still hurt.

You really couldn't lose any more people.

You were thankful things had gone the way they had though, or maybe that they hadn't gone worse. Even though the Master was dead and the Doctor was yet to process it. He had broken open when his friend had refused to regenerate. You had gone to him after a minute or two, unable to leave him alone in a chasm that deep, you knew what it was to lose someone that close. (You still ached for Rose.)

But after he'd cried himself out, he pretended like nothing had happened and something tensed in you at that. The Doctor avoiding his grief brought even more pain when he finally broke down again. It set you on your guard. You decided to give him a little more time, it had been less than a day since the danger had passed, but after that, you'd be having a hard conversation with him.

And then the fricking Titanic ran you over. Or more accurately, it ran the TARDIS over.

Well, that was one hell of a distraction, you granted the universe that. And oh, alright, a grand historical party in space wouldn't hurt. You knew the Doctor, and you too, needed to push some things out of your minds for now.

You headed towards the TARDIS' closet to pick out a dress.

~

"You'll be sorry when it comes out of your wages sweetheart!" the man yelled at the waitress and you and the Doctor shared a look. You were personally ready to clobber the man over the head, but the woman he had been berating needed help. You were not about to ignore that.

So, as the man stalked away, the Doctor and you kneeled across from her and started picking up the glass shards.

"Careful, there we go," said the Doctor as a way of entrance.

"Thank you sir, ma'am, but l can manage," she told you both decidedly.

"Never said that you couldn't," the Doctor replied.

You smiled warmly at her. "I'm y/n by the way, and this is the Doctor," you pointed at your friend as he grinned.

"Astrid, ma'am. Astrid Pith," she repiled, now looking a bit easier.

"Nice to meet you Astrid." You were glad she didn't mind you there. "Merry Christmas," you added, because apparently it was Christmas today. Who knew?

"Merry Christmas, ma'am," she replied with a smile, now visibly pleased. "And you, sir," she turned to the Doctor.

"Just Doctor, not sir,"

"Oh no please don't-" him and you both said at the same time.

"You enjoying the cruise?" Astrid changed the subject.

"Yeah l suppose,"

"Oh yeah, l think so," you both stumbled out a reply. You had been here for exactly ten minutes.

"What about you?" you asked her akwardly. "I mean l know it's not great," you quickly amended, "getting people drinks, but you are a long way away from home?"

The Doctor chimed in, "Yeah, planet Stoe, that's five point six billion miles..." He turned around, orienting himself, "that way." He pointed to the left, towards the band.

"Doesn't feel that different," Astrid admitted. "Spent three years working at the port diner, travelled all the way here," she leaned in conspirationally, "still waiting on tables."

She walked off then and you both followed her to the window.

"No shore leave?" the Doctor asked.

Astrid sighed, "We're not allowed. They can't afford the insurance." You winced inwardly. So far away, so strange, but it was all the same in the end.

"I just wanted to try it," Astrid admitted. "Just once." She looked at the Earth below wistfully. You joined her in that feeling, you would never get tired of seeing your home like this.

"I used to watch the ships going out to the stars and l always dreamt of-" She cut off and you wanted her to go on so much.

She shook her head, rejecting the thoughts. "Sounds daft," she told you both as much as herself.

"You dreamt of another sky," the Doctor went on for her. You were so glad he wanted to hear her too. "New sun, new air, new life. A whole universe, teeming with life."

You saw Astrid's face and you knew he was right, you and the Doctor were both right. She wanted the same thing as you, to travel.

He turned and leaned on the windowsill. "Why stand still when there's all that life out there?" he looked between the two of you, smiling slightly.

Astrid stepped back now, as if waking from a spell. "So you travel... together?" she changed the topic, eyebrows raised and unsure.

"All the time," the Doctor grinned.

"Just for fun," you joined him. "Well..." you began to correct yourself.

"That's the plan," he looked up you, brown eyes gleaming and his grin even wider. "Never quite works," he shook his head.

"Must be rich though," Astrid ventured a guess, looking at your clothes.

"Ha!" you snorted and smiled to yourself.

"Haven't got a penny," the Doctor admitted and looked at the crowd. Astrid's face haltered in surprise.

Excited to be making a friend, you wispered, "Stowaways," to her conspirationally.

Her eyes widened in disbelief. "You're kidding."

"Seriously," you told her, both the Doctor and you grinning like idiots.

She joined you in laughter, "No!"

"Oh yeah," the Doctor assured her as she frowned at you. "How'd you get on board?"

"Accident," the Doctor explained. "We've got this sort of- ship, thing, l was just rebuilding her. Left the defences down, bumped into the Titanic and here we are." He shrugged his shoulders.

You jumped in, "Saw a party, thought why not." 

Astrid was silent for a moment. "I should report you," she told you, but she was holding back a smile.

"Go on then," the Doctor said with a straight face. You couldn't keep your lips out of a grin.

She looked around the party a bit, then back at you two. "I'll get you a drink," she told you decidedly and then whispered, "On the house," with a small smile.

The Doctor and you watched her as she left, then giddily turned to each other. You squeezed his arm with both your hands as he grined. This was so-

You could suddenly hear laughing. When you turned around, you saw a bunch of toffs obviously ridiculing the pair sitting at the adjacent table. The Doctor and you jointly decided to intervene.

You sat down beside the pair and he made the toffs' champagne bottle explode, which sprayed the whole snobbish table. You so loved this man.

~

And you so wanted to show Astrid your home planet, all of it. After this night, you were sure you'd be able to.

Her excitement was contagious. You were just standing in a street in London and it was brilliant because she was there. It was also amazing to see Earth from an alien's perspective. There was so much you wanted to tell Astrid.

But then you were suddenly transported back to the Titanic, never mind that you were in the middle of a conversation with the nice man who had been selling newspapers. And so, trouble started.

~

You could see the SHIELDS OFFLINE sign blinking red on the screen as your blood froze. The meteor shower was right there.

The Doctor was talking to the bridge, fast and loud.

"We need to get them out," you said quetly to yourself and turned around. You hurriedly took in the fancy hall full of people and ran up to the nearest group.

They weren't listening. "Look out the windows!" you yelled, desparate, and ran to the next gathering. "There's a meteor shower coming for the ship and the shields are down!"

Nobody was listening. You could hear the Doctor yelling through the microphone but the crew started dragging him away almost immediately.

Everyone thought this was a joke. The history is repeating itself, you thought to yourself. I'm literally rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. You wanted to start crying, despair and grief for these soon-to-be-dead people welled up in you. But there wasn't time.

You saw Astrid not too far from you. She looked at the Doctor being dragged away, then found you with her worried blue eyes. Your gazes met. You nodded to her, pain clear on your face.

Then you ran after your friend and the men who had apprehended him with Astrid right behind you.

[jaekaicx]

post amp au(??) lore/hc dump

the designs are technically for around mid-late high school (age 15-18 or so) but it doesnt rly matter

also applies to just the general time period after the stuff that happens in the show canon

no real plot atm, just a bunch of random hcs and stuff mashed together

at this point we have no clue whats gonna go down in the rest of s3, so this is working off the assumption that at the end of the show the kids will be allowed to go back and forth between earth and amphibia

anne has a sort of system thing where she alternates between living with her family on earth and her family in amphibia for periods of time. she stays on earth during school and goes to amphibia during the summer and over breaks

marsh and ev tried getting out of going to school but they couldnt :(

it was def hard adjusting back to earth, esp school. there were multiple instances where ev ended up fighting a bunch of kids for saying shitty stuff abt the trio

anne plays a bunch of different sports in school, but her main two are tennis and basketball (shes aiming for a tennis scholarship)

ev dropped all her sports the first year back from amphibia bc adjusting but eventually she started picking them back up. for school he plays soccer and softball

lil personal hc that ev started doing competitive sailing as a kid and she continued it even after amphibia and through high school

anne actually got more into bouldering/rock climbing and does it every few weeks or so. it took a but of convincing, but she also convinced ev to try it out and they go together

marsh isnt allowed to do sports anymore bc health issues. they cheer on their girlfriends at as many of their games/matches/events as possible (hes had a perfect record so far)

ev is fine with ppl calling him “sash” or “sasha” sometimes but just generally prefers everett more

anne mainly sticks with she/her pronouns but sometimes uses they/them too

marsh is ok with being referred to as anne’s/ev’s “girlfriend,” but only by certain people and only if its as a collective (“anne and her girlfriends” or “the girlfriends” or smth like that). otherwise they prefer sticking with boyfriend/partner/joyfriend, stuff like that. everett is cool with whatever, and anne uses feminine/neutral terms

marsh was into coding before amphibia, but for a little while afterwards he couldnt rly enjoy it as much (bc… yknow…). tho they did eventually get back into the game making part of it and picked it back up

marshall uses crutches sometimes when his kebab pain gets pretty bad. on the rly bad days he uses a wheelchair. sometimes if the pain catches them off guard and they dont have their crutches anne or ev will carry him around

the three of them started dating a few months after all the plot stuff ends. or, something like that. its a little complicated. they kind of dance around each other and their feelings at first, but soon enough confessions start spilling out

they agree to give each other time to just get used to each other again and figure out their new group dynamic since they all had a bunch of character development in amphibia. the whole time they just take things slow.

all three of them get potions of trans-ur-gender in amphibia, tho mars still ended up getting top surgery

lady olivia takes up leadership in amphibia. she considered giving the trio positions of power but decided to just wait until theyre older.

theyre still pretty well known throughout amphibia. that kind of thing comes with being heroes and saving the world or whatever

while in amphibia marshall still mainly hangs out in newtopia and helps with running the city. tho olivia tries to keep his workload small bc hes still not an adult and shouldnt have to worry abt all of this. marsh is still insistent on helping out tho

when she gets the chance ev goes travelling with grime and his lil group of vagabonds. grime wasnt too fond of the idea of taking back his military rank, even under a new leader, so he just wanders around amphibia doing random stuff committing crimes. he makes a new legend for himself, becoming something of a “wandering hammer”

ev usually sticks around newtopia tho bc she has to go back and forth between earth and amphibia, and its just easier to stick by marshall (and the music box??). the two are generally given small missions to do around the area

anne usually sticks around wartwood when she’s in amphibia, but sometimes she drops by newtopia and every once in a while she even tags along on ev’s/marshall’s missions

everett got an owl companion (like joe sparrow) after a little while in amphibia, since he had started traveling farther and more often