#i cant bring myself to let them go
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Growing apart from people hurts so fucking bad.
Especially when they don't care that they're hurting you or that the distance is growing.
So why do they shower me with affection and guilty looks when they see me
And pretty much only when they're intoxicated
#im so confused#and deeply hurt#even if things got fixed i dont think i could forgive#the insecurities and doubts plague me daily over this#its been 8 months#i cant bring myself to let them go#jays mumbles#i loved them all so much. did they not feel the same...?
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.
#desire mona#not to vent in tags but i need to be so real#i am probably one of the most lonely people ever actually#i have friends but i never see them#i spend all my time on here#ive taken to talking to people down my street which does help tbh like i do enjoy feeling like i have a community#i have a friend named tom down the road but hes like. in his 40s or 50s. but i do enjoy talking to him when we're out walking our dogs#i went out with him and his daughter to try and see the northern lights but it was too cloudy#i felt rly bad for knocking on his door at 10 pm to look at nothing but he was glad i reminded him#but once i go back home its just nothing#my life is just a series of waiting to take drugs again and its eating away at me but i cant fucking Do Anything#i just kinda feel like a pathetic loser for not doing anything productive ever and i KNOW i shouldn't let that demean my character in any wa#y#i know im a good and kind and funny person but my inability to bring myself to improve anything just makes me feel like im the worst#whatever#thoughtsing
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ruyan is literally so beautiful that i get ill looking at her
#a lot of my time as a person who cant recognize himself to the point that if you start asking about myself im going to lie to you#is that i really like to engage with media that asks you to be present in the text by creating an outside being who simply has#some similarities to me#like the concepts i know i have. but make them their own unique person#so ruyan is really fun in that if i was a well adjusted person she would probably be a self insert and not her own person#but instead by the grace of god and my own mental problems she exists and is a full person that i practically see as a friend#like when i like a character so much that they become a comfort to me (emil) my brain engages in relationship interpretation to that#chartacter. emil is my daughter who i feel paternal sentiments to despite me being a human person and her being code in a video game#for ruyan she is like a friend where i want to go to her wedding and see her kids and hear about her life#i may have made her but i watch her as if i just met her'#recognizing this thing i have going on has helped me immensely be comfortable with myself#ruyan is a friend to me a sister tock is my daughter who i feel a real world father-daughter dynamic towards#i feel the need to nourish her and entertain her and put her to bed and let her know i love her#and you dont have to think this is normal because if you by now havent harbored some sort of#This Guy is Weird sentiment towards me youre either like me or VERY kind#but i know that i have parts of me that are weird. i am 23 years old bringing toys to the beach#but i dont chase validation so much as i just enjoy when its given to me#but i dont need validation because i cant even form my own self to need validation for#im learning about myself like im wiping down an old mirror. that doesnt need validation because im seeing it for the first time#im having my understanding moment here and you are free to leave the room and leave me to my mirrow
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Does anyone else become almost completely dysfunctional when there are other people in the same room? Talking specifically about cooking
#I know how to cook I swear but if there are other people with me trying to 'help' I suddenly cant cook#they move stuff that I've taken out of cupboards or the fridge. like no leave them there. if I want them somewhere else I'll do it myself#it's different when I ask them to bring me something (because then I ask for help) and when they decide they have to help#also they 'know better' so they always tell me what to do#like dad you haven't cooked in years let me boil my pasta in peace#but also it really bothers me when they're in the kitchen in general when I'm cooking#no don't come here to take something. tell me and I'll get it for you#is that normal?#am i weird#not art#text#one time I put 4 cups of milk instead of 3/4 cups because they kept going in and out of the kitchen :D
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me when i read the gay porn genre comics and get mad theres gay porn
#I HATE WHEN THERES SO MUCH SEX UGHHHHWGSJJE#BEING A YAOI HUNTER IS SUCH A GRIND#I CANT STAND WHEN I GO IN AND THERES BAM BAM BAM SEX SEX EVERYWHERE#I WANT THEM TO HAVE SEX AFTER 50 CHAPTERS OF GETTING TOGETHER AND DATING N SHIT#NO MORE SEX BEFORE ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP.... ITS A HARD MF THING TO EXECUTE WELL AND IT AINT WORKING 99% OF THE TIME#so many good yaoi have this as a ball and chain dragging dem dwon... i still love em but like... *cries*#bring me to the universe where all the sucking and fucking stops....#me fighting in the yaoi wars i cant afford to limit myself to only shounen ai because 1) i do like sex when its established relationship and#has build up and 2) i consume yaoi every fucking day i need to keep my options open#some of these... like... the sex just never ends... the sucking and fucking never stops#its like eating a cake with nuts in it except its 99% nuts with cake barely glueing the handful of nuts together#LIKE GODDAMNIT BITCH JUST LET ME EAT MY CAKE!!!!#A FEW TOO MANY NUTS AND A MOUTFUL OF NUTS (lol) FOR THE FIRST BITE I CAN TAKE#BUT NOT EVERY GODDAMN SPOONFUL!!!!
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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neurodivergent but in the opposite way from what I see a lot. "neurotypicals are always using unspoken social rules and cues instead of just stating things clearly and actually saying what they mean like neurodivergent-" brother I am playing 5 dimensional chess with multiverse time travel
#i hate that post thats like ''neurotypicals blah blah blah use your words'' because let me tell you. im neurodivergent#& i Can Not Fucking use my words. my brain is scrambled I dont know what to say I can only throw things down & hope ppl are picking them up#joyousposting#sometimes I feel like. manipulative because I'll say stuff with the specific intent of getting someone else to say this thing in response#(with a large amount of certainty they will)#but all that ever is is like. getting them to ask a specific question because my brain cant Say What I Want unless prompted by a question#example: lets say I want to talk about X. I'll bring up X then be like theres this Thing about X knowing someone will probably be like#oh what is this Thing? then I can say what I want about X#trying to get other people to say what I'm thinking but not to persuade or manipulate them into thinking like me but to point at and go#yeah that thats what I mean but couldn't communicate#if left to myself I do this where I keep talking to try and properly convey what I'm trying to say without ever feeling like I successfully#do so and in fact make things more confusing#Your neurodivergent brain go roundabout ways to link seemingly unrelated thoughts mine throws them all at once at me at several branching#paths#slash j ik im not the neurodivergent who does this#this isnt a vent btw
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.
#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls#husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic#and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c#and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list#yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes#bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores#and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done#examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it#bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it#like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me#he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself#' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont#and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to#do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room#guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway
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whoa damn like an old school fairy tale punishment
getting called out for just letting it happen 👍
getting back tot he horror aspects of the show good to see...
*chefs kiss* having these miserable twats take each other out
also love them admitting to their crimes, no sugar coating it, non did not know the full extent of what tee was setting him up with that pyramid scheme.
yikes. if white dies then no one better get out of this alive. unfortunate that new's revenge had room for no one to survive...idk man
nah.
#dff lb#absolutely not lmao who was the ninth person? a hallucination groped tee okay??#sure those fucks are deeply traumatized or should be now but nah#not at the expense of non white & new no thanks#kudos to the bl community for coming out with a different type of show tho#would like to see more of it#i literally cant bring myself to watch the last 10 min#not them trying to set up a second season that never works come on#LMAO that last twist I did skip around come on now...#if non was alive why would he let new go on like that when he saw him trying to make amends? u were really that mad at him?
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guys. guys !!!!
#vanu is rambling#ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence.#like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me#but like for these past couple months things have been different.#i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone.#like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or#i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey#where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment.#today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me#and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during#those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears#and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg#and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that.#because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call.#i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends.#it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time#they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable.#someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did#and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent#stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable.#like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter.#they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl.#they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in#friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool#people really. really cool people
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centipede man has me so down abysmal im sitting here trying to get things done and all i can think about it is getting railed into the next century
#HES SOOO DRY OVER TEXT I CANT READ HIM AT ALL#also he is never on his phone or on ig. im gonna kill him sir i want u#centipede man#AT LEAST HE IS TEXTING ME THO.;.....it seems i may be piped again...........#u guys he asked me if i usually go out on halloween.#please. i need u to manifest me#getting railed at a halloween party.PLEASEE#IM GONNA DRESS SO SLUTTY MY GOD#im so introverted i have no friends so ive never been to a halloween party where i can dress slutty irl <3#BUT HE HAS A TON OF FRIENDS COME ON SIR BRING ME#i keep to myself (IRL…) but i always get involved with the most sociable dudes that everyone likes so whenever#they bring me somewhere i’m just standing like this 🧍♀️letting them carry all the convos HEHEKF
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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ough
#just finiahed reading haunting of hill house and have been crying so hard for a half hour i still thibk i might throw up#FOR SOME REASON AFTER SEEING HOW MUCH THEY CHANGED FOR THE SHOW I WAS STILL GUT PUNCHED WITH THE CHOICE THEY DID DECIDE TO KEEP. AND#ITS#YEAH#5stars easy one of the best books ive read ever let alone this year jesus#nel is going to stay in hill house and my heart in ways that are so new and devistating meeting her a second time#i gotta buy a beautiful copy of this book#and then also a cheap one to draw and write and highlight all over#FULL sobs. i have put the book down and cant bring myself to hit the return button for the library because#she. she just wanted to be seen and wanted andD I. CANT CONTRIBUTE TO THE PEOPLE WHO TOLD HER TO LEAVE. NOT YET.#watch me get matching stone lion tattoos for her#jessssus this was a hell of a thing#the show was hard this one was somehow harder#both stunning. obv.#god im gunna have to rewatch and rip myself apart w the easter eggs wont i#later. not yet.#if i think about them being her literal family members too hard my eyeballs will burst out of my head#irl#personal#god the choice to make luke her twin and theo her older sister is going to chew my up inside forever#mike i have several thousand questions would u like to sit down and discuss
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I gotta hold myself accountable to when I'm making content that's not really based on canon at all, so I remain self aware & whatnot, but I still occasionally think things like "but blurr should be arcee's number one fan 🥺.... bc i said so........"
#🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦#i make a good effort to stay self aware bc i dont want to lost in fanon delusion. i cant let that happen to me#also it would be hypocritical of me to go ''i dislike this fanon it has no basis in canon''#when i also like making up shit if it's interesting#so i make it clear that im just picky abt hcs and stuff like that#for me to enjoy them they gotta contribute something interesting to the source material but not come out of left field#and i dont rlly care for edgy stuff if it doesnt rlly serve much purpose#so i dont rlly care for hcs like ''bee is ACTUALLY megatrons great nephew once removed !!!!!!!!!!!!''#they do nothing for me i just go ''man i dont care'' and turn around#like thats just personal taste though and im a notoriously particular & picky person so. who cares what i think u get what i mean#though u should care abt arcee fanboy blurr bc its good and awesome alright /hj#IT THINK ITS FUN AND CONTRIBUTES AN INTERESTING TAKE ON CANON ...#bc blurr admiring arcee 1) makes sense bc arcee is genuinely a badass & literally worked in the same division he does#2) brings more focus to the parallel between them about how they got seriously injured in ways that impact their most notable qualities#(arcee having her memories wiped when her mind is one of her most important qualities as a school teacher & intel agent)#(blurr having his body damaged & handicapped when speed achieved by his physical athletic ability is a defining part of his character)#3) solidarity in that trauma baby. and arcee can be blurr's gramama (applause amazing brilliant we love to see it)#and also who doesnt love to see blurr having girlbosses idols. arcee inspires him to be a girlboss too#see this is how ridiculous i am i have to have these detailed thoughts abt hcs i cant just go stupid#no i cant change this about myself btw#i am pretentious at heart i have to be like this with media i enjoy#but still i always try to indicate that i am aware that my hcs are just fan interpretations of stuff so i dont like#accidentally come off as me forcing my ideas of canon onto other ppl like. this is just my lego city that im building i know of my bullshit#though i still do draw deep lines for things like . blurr being social (shudders)
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#i think like. the worst part of my mood lately#is that i feel so low that not only i have no energy or motivation but i just dont care#i cant keep working on this stupid code because i cant bring myself to care about it. i dont see the point. its useless#but i also know that i will go back to suddenly caring in like 3 hours and im going to have a horrible time :)#it would be easier if at least i stayed on a single mindset :)#but no lets go from absolutely miserable and hopeless but uncaring to hyper anxious mess that gets overwhelmed#maybe i need to touch more grass but now im also starting to get anxious about being outside too...yay.....#dont even get me started on actually talking to another person face to face#haunted.txt#had to go out today and even though it was fun i wanted to explode the second i was alone again#i cant stop overthinking everything everyone says or does...its so tiring#and it feels even more lonely in the end. being surrounded by too many people and feeling like an outsider or#seeing a single person and feeling like you are bothering them#not like i have seen anyone. i would have to go out or take breaks or even reach out for that aha. ahahaahaha#lets see how many more places i can quietly disappear from because i cant be bothered#its all too much and even though at first is a relief its like i need to cut out more and more communication little by little
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