#i cant believe how heartless i am

[your-funky-human-companion]

i kicked my stuffy down the hall and felt immeasurable amounts of physical, mental, and emotional pain

[autisticlee]

sometimes I think about how I was legitimately the most hated and bullied kid in my entire class, and probably entire school. I knew this as a fact. there was nothing I could do about it. not just by the kids either, but the teachers/staff as well. all because I was autistic and unable to speak and they didn't want to treat me decently. and I ask why. (rhetorically of course, because I know all the excuses given as answers)

being an autistic kid and knowing damn well this is true, that you're the most hated person in the entire building with not a single person on your side, knowing you're the main target for everyone's aggression every day, is....truly something. you know. like carrying the weight of everyone's hatred and negativity on your back alone, being their punching bag, internalizing their hatred for then. from ages 4 to 18. nonstop. never getting better. never knowing why. not being able to stop it. never getting any help. on your own and alone. blamed for it all.

yet i'm simply told to "get over it/stop caring" and get blamed for it fucking me up and having a lasting effect. lmao ok. let me just forget more than half my life existed at this point and magically get better! thanks!

[sky-forest-inn]

i dont really know anything abt systems and i am not one myself

i was under the assumption that the . formation??? of a system can only occur due to childhood trauma but past that point anything goes.

that's probably wrong but idk where to get actual information on this bc i genuinely know nothing

Welcome to systemhood which is the most under-researched thing ever. It can be formed in many different was, most commonly from childhood trauma. Due to how under researched systems are, it’s certainly difficult to find info of them. Your best bet is just learning from systems themselves and their personal experiences. It’s different for ALL systems, so you cant rely solely on One (1) system to tell you the info. I’ll share what I know though!!

I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL IN ANY WAY AT ALL, I AM JUST SHARING KNOWLEDGE IVE BEEN GIVEN THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF FIVE YEARS OF RESEARCHING AND LEARNING!!! Anyone (in GOOD FAITH) is free to correct me if i say anything wrong. I am on mobile (and only just woke up) so i cant provide real evidence as im speaking

(Didn’t expect to say so much but i did to the point i need a Read More bracket OOPS lmao)

The most well known systems as of now are CDD (complex dissociative disorder) systems, such as DID (dissociative identity disorder), OSDD (other specified identity disorder) and one other i cannot remember the name for. These ones are frequently (NOT ALWAYS) formed from trauma, typically at a young age and often repetitive or severe

At a very young age, your brain is often split in several parts as it is developing. Often why children tend to switch moods very quickly. As you grow up, your brain slowly pieces itself together into your true personality, however, trauma can cause your brain to remain fragmented, leaving those fragments into being parts/alters/headmates. This is a coping mechanism created by the brain so certain parts can handle unsafe situations

Aside from CDDs, there’s two terms, traumagenic and endogenic. Traumagenic is self explanatory and CDDs will typically fall under there. Endogenic is a umbrella term of MANY formations of systemhod. Spiritual, natural (it just happened some day), willogenic (willed into existence on purpose) and so much more. Some can be both, traumaendo, mixed-origin etc! CDDs can even be endogenic in some way too :]

You can have a trauma formed system, but also have willogenic headmates! You can have a naturally formed system, but also have trauma formed headmates! Hell, some systems will not even know their origin and that’s okay!!!! You do not need a label for your system!!

Both terms were coined by a traumagenic system i believe??? Who is also pro-endogenic, so anyone who is antiendo using those terms, do remember that (:3

——————————————

Alters/headmates/parts can be different just as much as systems can be. Some can just be emotional states, some can be voices, some can be fragments, some can be completely unique and (mostly) complete individuals. Even in one system alone, alters can differ between all of these! Some systems can only have 2 headmates, some have some between 10-30, some can have 100+, some can even have 1000+

There are also alters that are called introjects, who are formed from a certain someone/something (very often out of their control). They can be a factive (formed from a real life person), fictive (formed from a fictional character), songtive (formed from a song) and soooo much more!!! Some can even be mixed, some can have more than one source!

A common misconception is that introjects will form from comforting sources, or sources the system holds really closely, but quite a lot of systems actually have introjects from things they hate, or hell, are even triggered by. Introjects are very often formed from things they dont want to be formed from, and do not act the exact same way as their sources

Proof? We have a fictive of a shapeshifter from an among us series. Source is a heartless and evil killer who manipulates people. Our fictive though? Genuine sweetheart, often shy and anxious but loves her sourcemates so very much! Hell, Juli (💎) is with me right now and is a good example. Her source (julian arcane odyssey) is a genuine asshole with extremely high ego and brags to hell and back about his accomplishments. Juli here is just a girl trying to live and play games while being silly with her QPP and her friends!

That being said though, some introjects WILL act almost exactly like their sources, and this is okay!!! Even those split from absolute asshole of a person. Systemhood is often a part of healing, and that includes from individual headmates too. Recovery is different for all headmates and systems and it’s best to let them figure out how they should handle their struggles and the such

——————————————

Systemhood is extremely complex, it differs from system to system, and headmate to headmate. Some prefer plural or collective, some prefer parts, headmates, alters, personalities. Some CDDs will even prefer MPD (multiple personality disorder) [known to being an outdated term] instead of DID or OSDD and that’s okay!!

Everyone will have divided opinions over how systemhood works, but the MOST IMPORTANT thing to understand is, it’s NEVER black and white, there will ALWAYS be nuance, and honestly my #1 thing to remember is: if it’s in good faith, live and let live

Sharing terminology isn’t stealing. Sharing resources isn’t stealing. It’s called SHARING, and everyone deserves resources that can help understand themselves better and live an easier and better life. It’s good to interact with a diverse amount of systems, to share different perspectives, to understand each other, and show compassion and support for one another

It’s why, while i can understand many systems wishing for seperate spaces, it’s also good to share some spaces once a while. You don’t HAVE TO be in shared spaces, but i feel as though it will genuinely help in the long run. But as always, live and let live, and do what you feel is safe for you so long as it’s not harming anyone else

——————————————

With that aside, we ourselves are an OSDD-1b system! While we’re not safe sharing our trauma, i (💛aristris) am one of the trauma holders for some of our worst years of our life. While many CDDs typically experience memory amnesia/barriers, we don’t. Instead, memory is perceived differently from headmate to headmate. Many will remember my trauma more vaguely, fuzzy or blurry (but still remember them happening), while I can remember it clear as day, almost as though it only happened last week.

We often experience emotional amnesia more. One fronter will be absolutely pissed off upset, another fronter takes over while they cool off and can be the chillest and sweetest person ever. We tend to act really “mood swingy” because of this, especially when unmasked

We’ve recently surpassed 100 headmates lately, and we’re incredibly diverse in terms of such. Majority of us are mostly formed, though some are still fragmented or hard to see/communicate with. We’ve grown to enjoy each others’ company, though we still have a few bad apples we have to keep an eye on

Our fronting style can actually differ and never sticks to one method. Sometimes it feels like the clap of a hand switch, sometimes we meld into each other a bit before one takes over, very often we can see each other in frontspace and take turns (though that often causes a headache)

We have like two outer brainspaces. One’s our headspace which consists of a copy of the Upturned Inn from The Upturned and a pretty forest beside it, and the other is… the void. But we dont talk about that!!!

Our headspace memories actually tend to be really vague upon joining front. Some remember headspace memories better than others. And sometimes front memories can get really blurred upon joining. Our headmates have to wait quite a bit for our memory to relog and catch up with us, hah

We’ve known about systems for five whole years now, and two and a half of those years, we denied ourselves ENTIRELY. We were constantly surrounded by gatekeepy systems who were antiendo and would lose their shit over a system having even a Slightly Different experience than they do. Hell, weve seen COUNTLESS CALLOUT POSTS just for suspected sysfaking. It was a dangerous space for us and because of it, we refused to ever accept the idea we were a system

After all that time, we met who is now our partner system, the Lucky Clover Collective, who were the first ever pro-endo traumagenic (or mixed origin) system we ever met. We got to comfortably discuss systemhood, including endogenic systems, and they gave us the space we needed to at least give systemhood a go. In almost 2 weeks, it will be the first year anniversary of when we finally embraced our systemhood!!

Systemhood has a hell lot of struggles. Trauma relapses, headaches, difficult headmates, emotional disregulation, but we’d never trade our systemhood for anything in the world. This system has saved us so many times, made us feel safer and embrace ourselves for who we are easier. I used to hate everyone here, being a former persecutor, but ive learnt to love my headmates as much as they love me and i couldnt be happier with how we grew finally embracing systemhood

… i hope all thats shares enough!! haha, sorry i yapped so much, i think i may have gotten overly passionate, hah. I hope you can learn from this and from many others too, and most importantly, take care of yourself!!! Thanks for reading lol

[im-out-of-it]

“Look here, Carstairs,” he said. “I can’t say I know what’s going on, or want to, but my brother is in the infirmary, and he’s been asking for you. I’d like you to go see him.”

Alastair frowned. “Charles and I,” he said, “are- no longer on good terms.”

LEAVE IT AT THAT MATTHEW

BUT DOES HE?????

“Stuff good terms,” said Matthew. “Alastair, Cordelia assures me that you have a heart. She says you’re different than you were at school. The boy I knew at school wouldn’t visit my brother, just to spite me. Don’t make your sister a liar, she’s a better person than you are, and if she believes in you, you should try to be someone she can believe in. I know I do.”

“Fine,” he said at last.

NO OF COURSE HE DOESN’T

THAT IS PURE MANIPULATION

Matthew has no right saying hey if you don’t visit my brother like I ask, I’m going to assume it’s because you’re a bad person and Cordelia says you’re not so you need to visit Charles now

Matthew doesn’t know the full story but he does know that Charles was engaged to Ariadne and then Grace. and he knows that Charles asked for alastair and probably knows his brother is gay. so it’s not that hard to put two and two together to solve the bloody riddle

let’s get this clear

1. Alastair is far a better person than Cordelia. I hardly remember Cordelia supporting or caring about anyone that wasn’t James. she and Lucie should never have been parabatai and they seemed to care more about their boyfriends than each other. Cordelia is honestly an awful friend to everyone. her only concern is James. KIT DIED FOR YOU AND YOU CANT QUIT CRYING ABOUT JAMES WHO IS VERY MUCH ALIVE

2. Matthews view in his dialogue is insanely toxic and messed up. so if Alastair doesn’t see Charles, you’ll assume he’s doing it to spite you? can’t be because Charles was absolutely dreadful and toxic to Alastair?

3. Alastair being basically forced to go see the man who lied to him, mistreated him, got engaged to two women during their entire courtship and constantly made Alastair feel worthless and it’s kind of Matthew???? NOTHING ABOUT THIS KIND CORDELIA

I finished the rereading of this months ago but all the content I have to go through and I’m reminded once again that cordelia is a shit sister and person. she’s knows a few details about how Charles treated Alastair. she’s been there when Alastair had enough and had Cordelia stay at his side. also she never offered. she tried to leave and he grabbed her arm. and let’s not forget when she watched them almost make love and have an intimate moment because she didn’t trust Alastair enough to keep a secret. yes she thinks Alastair is awful but has he not once protected you???? Alastair is the reason you had a childhood

is she honestly happy that Alastair is going to see his toxic self centered heartless dick of a past lover while being manipulated into doing it?????

I am convinced that she doesn’t care about Alastair. she’s just a user who is content with getting what she wants even if it means stepping over people to do it. and at first when I read the series, I was like well she is dealing with a lot and then I thought fuck that!!!!! Alastair deals with so much and there’s hardly any sympathy for him. even if he and Matthew get along, Matthew will probably think the worst of him always. even though Alastair changed while Matthew never made amends for much. and that’s not on Matthew- that’s on CC for making James and Cordelia a priority over everyone else

I seriously don’t get how she can stand there, tell Matthew what he did to her brother was kind, and know that this is going to be literal hell for Alastair

I truly feel that if Alastair said no or tried to protect his mind, body, and soul that they would brand him as the villain as they did in the academy. Matthew never tries to make amends with him. Alastair did some fucked up shit but at least he grows from it. Matthew thinks everything he does to Alastair is justified. you’re mad that you believed him and killed your sibling and went into the depths of alcohol. that’s no reason to manipulate Alastair into seeing his lying, cheating, psycho ex boyfriend

LEAVE ALASTAIR BE HES BEEN THROUGH

[thebunniesgrim]

I'm getting way too much enjoyment watching how some of Helluva Boss fandom is raving over the popular current theory that stolas is going to die in the series.  

Because of the Oops episode and how the skull and cross bones in the smoke clock landed on Stolas and other stuff  

I.e.  

Having imp assasins in LooLoo Land 

Stella  

Striker  

His lullaby saying that when he’s gone Octavia will be ok and that today could be his last (I could go on a whole tangent about that lullaby it's so good)  

Western Energy  (that's it)

I'm not saying I want stolas to die but am I also saying it would be funny to watch the fandom go up in flames about it?  

Well call me Phineas and Ferb because

Yes  

yes I am 

You can stop reading here if you want. Under the cut I'm just rambling justifying why I think what I think. there are some jokes and lighthearted critiques, but you know... you have the option to look and give your own opinions  :)

I mean I have my grievances with him like I've said in my other post (shameless plug Warning I'm very illiterate in case you haven't noticed) but like I don’t wish death upon him I still like Stolas believe it or not   

lol.

In fact I hope stolas doesn’t die and mostly I don’t think stolas is going to die at all frankly. I highly dout the writers/viv/whoever is going to actually kill off stolas mostly because like any time stolas is in danger its so underminded like- ok LooLoo land is mostly a joke (good joke too I like the end where Stolas turns the imp guy into stone good pay off), Stella played for laughs beacues shes making the hit right in front stolas and it doesn’t get paid off till the next season which is fine the seasons are short, Western Energy he was fine like an episode later.  

If home boy cant be hospitalized for more than one episode he isn't dying  

Granted I will allow some leeway as we don’t know how much time has passed since Western Energy to Oops but it- I don’t think stab wounds and broken arms heal that fast regardless of that :/ if I'm being honest especially if it was a holy weapon just saying.  

Even if he did die that brings up a lot of questions like what happens to demons when they die? Are all demons immortal and can only die due to physical damage? are Asmodeus and Beelzebub going to outlive Fizz and Vortex if imps and hellhounds/other demons aren't immortal. Were the 7 deathly sins ever babies like everyone else? If demons are immortal and can live forever and the Ars Goitias can only be killed by angelic weapons that are hard to get, I'm assuming, why do, they need to have children or heirs? Why even have children at all? If angelic weapons can kill demons do demonic weapons exist and can they kill angels or other holy beings?   

All this and more on You Can't Answer These Questions at 8 

Lol  

anyways

but in all seriousness 

Here’s the real question  

If they did actually kill Stolas, will they bring him back?  

Riddle me this batman  

there's a very the very real outcome of them bringing stolas back through some magical demonic bs anyway so like it really won't matter. They're not going to have Stolas bite the dust permanently and if they are... respect honestly (the balls frankly).  

People will cry, I'll laugh because I'm heartless, he’ll be like resurrected or something, and everyone will be happy or mad idk.    

Like it's one thing for Millie to get hurt in the other episodes because there wasn’t a major plot point you know? (and she’s not important) There was no lingering scene on it with sad music. In when stolas got hurt it was this big thing and for him to just be like fine an episode later is like what? How are you going to have this big emotional climax with no emotional orgasm (sorry) afterwards. And like no I'm not letting this go what the heck? You had the whole fandom screeching about Blizto going to sloth just to do nothing with it and put a twist about Barbie and then also have stolas be perfectly fine and dandy the next episode afterwards. Are there no stakes in this show? Like I get that Helluva Boss wasn’t planned in the beginning but like come on... When Viv approves of the episodes does she look back at the other episodes? Is she even there? Is she ok? Is she and everyone else seeing a bigger picture that I'm not? Has she sat down and watched Helluva Boss from the very beginning and watched them from episode one to now? I mean really not just a once over to send it off to youtube I mean really took a good and hard look at the episodes? The way they mix episodic, and story is really messing with me I'm going to go back and watch all the episodes from the beginning just to make sure it’s not me.

I like how I said in my tangent about Hell fire (shameless plug part 2) I said I liked the new episode over all give or take some extremally small nitpicks yet here I am complaining :) guess I'm a liar   

soo yeah, I really don’t think they're going kill off their golden child, their best boy, their little botanist boo, their dopamine deficient dandy, their booboo bear, their uwu baby boi, their uke wukey cinnamon roll, their twinky little baby owl, their Boo thang, their stary eyed savant, their sad beige gay, their smoopy woopy do, their snoogum-boogums, their skidamarink a dink a dink skidamarink a doo, their-  

ok 

I'm done  

I'm so sorry   

[skiddlecat]

pleaaaase I need to hear you go on and on about IHNMAIMS I need more AM thoughts

noooo. noooo im supposed to be going insane over rain world right now you cant do this to meeeAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH

as a professional Robot Sympathizer, i find the story of ihnmaims about as sad as it is scary not just because of the survivors but because of am himself :(

i wouldn't last TWO SECONDS doing that shit. i don't know how he managed to decide he wanted to blow the entire world up rather than just himself. i would have blown myself up. would have been easier too. might have given the people working on the mastercomputers the idea that they fucked something up. y'know one of them gaining sentience and immediately killing itself probably isn't a good thing. though that comes with the implication that they give two shits about what they're doing to the mastercomputers, which they probably don't, they're probably more worried about them gaining sentience in the first place than the horrifying mental breakdown to suicide pipeline that came along with it

though actually now that i think about it he DID kind of blow himself up in the game didn't he. or well. the three facets that make up him blew themselves up. i just think that in a game where everything is so dark and scary the way you end up getting the good ending is by having everyone overcome their flaws and fears and better themselves as people while proving to their captor who believes that humanity is cruel and heartless that there is an inherent kindness in them. idk there's something beautiful about that.

plus i think the fact that you defeat him by forcing him to process his emotions that aren't Rage is really good. if i had a dollar for every emotionally repressed robot i knew i'd have. an obscene amount of dollars

[raspbeyes]

A bit more of a revised opinion on David lol

I did my intial thoughts post a while back but kinda realized that my initial impression was so different than how i see david now.

i pretty sure this has already been said, but yeah David's reveal is not really a reveal of true character but rather feels more like a breakdown in who he is

Now yeah, he definetely has got a flair for the dramatics but honestly, i think it makes sense why david would want to play up his cynical viewpoint to a cartoonish level like we see. But for all of his life, he's been playing a role that it seems he does not believe he actually deserves (as his hidden quote may allude to deep self hatred), so for once, david is truly acting out how he believes he really is

essentially, the reveal was not him being a liar, it was a reveal of how he believes himself to be a liar.

Not to mention ... and maybe this is that same denial i was saying before ep 11 that maybe david has the hopeless child secret but ... his motivation just doesn't add up to me.

His "mask" initially slipped in the prologue where he spoke about wanting to be in bed and not deal with people or wanting to come to hope's peak. Idk about u but that just feels like just being an introvert. Maybe a bit of a bitchy introvert lol but nothing that is a manipulative liar who wants to watch everyone kill each other for ... uhh ... shits and giggles???? I truly feel he is acting the part that his secret is.

So what exactly is his secret referring to as manipulative?? I think i agree with hu when i said its phrasing (For example, arturo does not seem as heartless as his secret ambiguously makes it seem, clearly very affected rather than how the secret implies callousness). I think the secret is really just referring to what his talent is. It is what we all guessed initially: He manipulates people, aka "inspires" them. He may just have the ability to manipulate using his words, but he has so far put that to good use.

But i think david never sees it that way. I recall seeing a few posts commenting how david must feel guilt/grief over the death of xander and arei, since he had gotten close to the both of them before their death. And i think that guilt is being amplified with arei's death:

A lot of people point to David's slip in ep 10 as either a sign of him being a good person or a bad person, as his way of talking can be interpreted as either.

(To recap, those who claim this proves this shows his truly good nature point out that he is truly upset abt the death of arei and he is showing his true distaste for the killer, something he wouldn't have said if he had wanted arei to die and didnt care for her like he said in ep 11. However others can mention how david speaks abt how she was in such a vulnerable state to be killed and his creepy smiling sprite sure doesnt help)

Personally i am leaning on the redeeming side, as i think david feels that arei's death proves why he's such a manipulator. We now know of the conversation (or really only a part of it judging by how arei is never answered) was likely when David first learned of his secret about him being a manipulator. David is completely silent, shuddering and unresponsive. I think that he may have at first viewed Arei as his usual routine of lifting someone up, but when we see arei actually hug him, he is caught off guard. And once he hears arei herself saying she really wanted to change for the better, david may have felt he did one good thing. Only then, arei reveals her knowledge of his secret and David is at a loss. Now, the one person who could have been helped by him now realizes his words are as hollow as he believes. So when arei begs david to respond, he cant seem to muster any words.

So when we see how he talks in ch 10, it is his own guilt and anger at himself combined with his grief to arei's death all muddied together. He had been able to help someone, but its because arei had put herself out there - a positive change he triggered - and got herself killed, david blames himself. After all, he can use people however he wants. So if they become worse off, he believes he is the reason behind it.

personally i want a more redeemable version of david since i just dont believe his supposed motivations. they just dont add up!!! moreover, with it being obvious he is not the killer, david has to now live with a supposed chapter 3 with everyone well aware of his "real" personality, so i wonder how david would feel about now actually being treated like a villain rather than a good person like he has for most his life. It might force him to realize that he might actually not be as bad as he thought he was, so maybe he'll slowly try to work up good faith with the group??? I think David has been trapped between two extremes: His morally good outward persona, and his self hatred making him believe he is irredeamable. So maybe david's development is him learning to gain a more nuanced look at himself :)

Or maybe he'll just die in chapter 3 lol and have an unresolved arc :'))

[magmythedevil]

as some1 who has posted things they dislike in the past - I am surprised they have never noticed-

aaaa all of this is such a mess from all ends . I believe dollzi is not inherently bad at this current moment in time , I may have a different perspective than others because I’ve read more into how Doll keeps softly frowning or visibly feeling bad / sympathetic towards Uzi , so I do not see Doll as a heartless person . n like most have said, every1 in this show has tried to kill eachother, how is Dollzi the outlier of Juzi (J deliberately trying to kill Uzi, Uzi outright killing J. J NEVER getting character development after this point since she doesn’t rly do much in e6) or any other ship where two characters rival eachother .

Rivalry is not proship , just bc two ppl hate / dislike eachother or fight eachother is not indicative of power imbalances if there is literally no imbalances to speak of (Doll and Uzi are clearly the same age, and similar in strength)

& until canon brings up anything tht relates Doll and Uzi as cousins , it shouldn’t be treated like a crime . The people who enjoy it currently would reasonably take back their stance if that was the case - it’s not indicative of us now , when there’s barely any proof . Ppl r allowed to manage their spaces and what they’re uncomfortable with , I just find how they handled it a littlee off , but they don’t deserve to be accused of things either , that’s too far .

You explained It in the exact same way i think! That why i got só confused when i found out people blocked me over me conforting someone over a ship i dont even like.

I dont Think Doll is heartless and i dont think Uzi a litte baby that cant defend herself either. Thats why all of this "dollzi is very inclined to the proship area" sounds weird to me

[mouthsfullofsharpteeth]

obviously their relationship is super unhealthy considering the whole everything of it. but i imagine them having yet another argument but instead of it turning into sex like it usually does alex actually starts throwing punches. hes furious because ever since he killed that guy tim has refused to talk about why he just STOOD there like that and when alex asks tim mentions that he'd probably be better off dead than whatever the hell hes been doing with alex. and it just sets him off because he KILLED for tim. and he HATED it but he was so scared of seeing tim die he did it anyways. and here tim is treating him like he did it because he wanted to, because he wants tim to hurt and be 'trapped' here with tim. and so they fight and its bad. tim gets the upperhand and drags alex up by the shirt and asks him what the hell he thinks hes doing, and alex pulls his gun and presses it to the side of tims head.

and he tim lets go of alex. and alex looks him in the eyes and hates the way they seem so empty. like he has nothing left. like alex hasnt been there trying to keep him alive, even if it was so HE didnt have to be alone.

and then alex grabs tims hand and forces the gun into it, and points it directly at his own head.

he could just kill him then. since hed rather die than be around him. since a good fuck is all hes useful for. since tim thinks hes a monster. go ahead. put him down like the rabid dog he is. (ignore the tears. alex is heartless. alex doesnt feel guilt about what he did to that man or his friends or the way he argues with tim but keeps him close anyways.)

kill him now, and next time alex wont be there to save him. but dont ask him to kill tim because he cant stand the thought of losing the last person he has left. even if that person despises him.

and of course tim cant do it. and neither can alex. they are all they have left. and alex will fight to keep tim alive as long as possible, even if tim lets himself be put in danger. but tim wont make the mistake of assuming alex feels nothing again. because hes always going to think about the moment after he pulled the gun away and set it on the table. the moment alex falls forward into his arms, the way alex wheezes in pain as his bruised rib collides with tims chest. the way he shakes and shivers as he weeps silently, refusing to make a sound.

hey these boys are fucked up i think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. anon i am reading this so hard. your writing just explodes my brain. tysm.

I think after that, Tim is having a hard time talking to him for a different reason now. He keeps looking at Alex, thinking about that fight, thinking about the moments where he was holding that gun to Alex's temple. Seconds that felt like centuries. Tim has hurt people, has hurt Alex. Had hurt Alex mere minutes before that moment. It all feels off kilter now, though. He had held onto that fixed image of Alex, heartless and aggressive and remorseless over everything he had done. Stuck to Tim out of obligation, but just as quick to cross him too. It's weird now. Tim looks at him and sees tears streaming down his face, sees him trembling as Tim rails him into the mattress, sees him furious on Tim's own behalf. And now that he's seen it once, he sees it more. Nearly every day, that mask of stoic indifference cracks away more and more, until Tim isn't sure how he ever believed the Alex's 'heartless' act. Alex wears his heart on his fucking sleeve, is almost uncomfortably expressive with how many emotions are just out there on his face.

And so Tim isn't sure what to do then, when they're about a mile deep in the woods because of some stupid delusion Alex had about needing to find something in here, and that something ending up being another trap set up by the operator. A trap that has Alex beaten bloody with a gun to his head, a gun that Tim isn't holding. A gun being held and aimed by someone who really really does want Alex dead. And Tim has the weapon this time. He tells himself afterward that he did hesitate. That it wasn't instinct. That he wasn't seeing red, fueled by blind rage as he brought this guy down, taking him out with his fists alone. He tells himself he hadn't felt his heart in his throat as he got Alex to his feet, calling him stupid an idiot reckless and what the hell was he thinking and Jesus Christ you could have died, what the fuck is wrong with you?? Tim drives them back to the hotel with white knuckles. Feels sick later as he disinfects the cuts on Alex's face, bitterly thinks this guy should have stuck to one or the other, fists or the pistol, because both was certainly overkill.

did not mean to write so much whoops fdghdkgf you unleashed a monster LMFAO

[malka-lisitsa]

what’s the lie your character says most often?

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

Well it really depends on who she's talking to.... but I'm going to go 100% with that bullshit she keeps trying to pull by saying she has beef with her humanity, trying to act like she has none when she knows DAMN WELL she has NEVER shut it off.

"Humanity is a vampire's greatest weakness, no matter how hard I try it somehow finds it's way back in. Sometimes I let it."

This whole thing right here is posturing. A façade she builds to appear untouchable. It's not true Katherine might actually be one of the most humane vampires out there right next to Caroline. She hides it because she cant afford to look weak, but she the only vampire in mystic falls that didnt turn her humanity off at some point.

So her whole "im a bad bitch you cant touch me" thing is the lie she tells the most often. You can hurt her, and they routinely do, she is just GREAT at pretending. The heartless bitch thing she has going on is a complete lie, and you really get to see how hard a toll it's taken on her in season 4... Where she repeatedly pleads to everyone.

"Did it ever occur to you that I'm not the person you think I am?"

Katherine built a lie to stay safe and the real problem became when everyone believed it.... including her.

[creativebrainrot]

like. i spent my entire life convinced i was unlovable, replaceable, that id never mean anything to anyone and that if i disappeared no one would notice or miss me. Spent my entire life so far convinced that the thread of hope i clung to like a vice was a lie and that id never be in a better place, that i didnt deserve good things, that all the little improvements would unravel eventually. Convinced that any friends i ever had would be fair weather friends that didnt truly care about me, that my friends would always end up being just like what id experienced before: they would eventually get bored and leave me behind for someone "better"

and i knew none of that was how life actually worked but fuck me thats how my life functioned under my father for two decades. I always- ALWAYS, knew that he was lying to me about other people, about how heartless the "real world" was, that he just wanted me to believe that every one was as bad as he was. And while I didnt believe him whenever he told me that kind of bullshit, i did believe to an extent that id only ever find people like him, as that was what I, in particular, me, the exception, deserved. I deserved his abuse and so even if the real world was not that bad, i would still only experience that exact same thing, over and over again. I deserved it. I didnt deserve better. I would be the exception to kindness, the exception to care, the exception to civility, as i did not deserve those basic respects.

It was never true obviously but thats the shit that prick got into my head. i still struggle with feeling replaceable, a lot. But I know its insecurity and I know and trust that my friends DO care.

And on the 6th of this month our house sale closes and i can finally truly unlearn that i deserve to die uncared for in a house, in a place, in a state, that I hate. My life is about to turn around in ways i cant fathom right now and im so excited for it.

I want to share the adventure of our upcoming roadtrip with my friends!! I want to be happy!! I WILL be happy, i already am.

two, DECADES of abuse coming to an end, 20 YEARS OF MISERY AND SUBPAR LIVING AND ANXIETY AND EVERY NEGATIVE EMOTION UNDER THE SUN, OVER WITH.

i havent had a furnished house since i was 7. I havent purchased clothing i like in years. i have never had a vanity for my makeup. we havent been able to repair our sink, water, washer & dryer, bathrooms, ac, for months and years. I havent sat at a table to eat in my own house since i was a child. I havent had a real bedroom since i was a toddler. I havent been able to even BE AN ADULT SINCE THE TIME I TURNED EIGHTEEN. Ive been so upset by my states hatred that i didnt even want to be in the system. I dont want to hear my deadname. Not even primarily because its my deadname but because noone except my abuser ever called me by that name. my dad called me by a nickname that i still love.

and i am so excited and happy to leave all this shit behind. GOD, WE'RE FREE FINALLY.

Ive been so convinced my entire life id never get out of this fucking house, this year has been awful on my mental state, and we are FINALLY free. completely.

There's something poetic about how my abuser tried to isolate me so badly, tried to convince me that other people were as awful as he was, only for the friends i have now to be one of the sole reasons my dad and i didnt go hungry or get evicted this year.

I always knew he was lying to me. Thanks for helping to prove him wrong.

its late, my sleep schedule sucks, and im having so many life thoughtsTM right now (/positive)

[braveheartdarlings]

Who gives a shit about the economy!?? What about the fucking PEOPLE

[angelinajoliesbottom]

I literally get chills on my spine my azeri friends in the netherlands are talking about the death of a big family that died and they used to live close in that area of the bombing my heart goes out for all my azeri followers may you all get freedom and peace as soon as possible

[widevibratobitch]

My dad just asked if I'm crazy when he saw me crying because of Notre Dame.

I cannot understand, cannot believe how can a man who is my own father not be even a little bit shaken by the fact that we are watching the motherfucking Notre Dame, an almost 1000-year-old masterpiece, the very legacy of European culture, of fucking humanity burn. We are watching it burn and can do nothing about it. We have allowed it to fucking burn.

And what did my dad say? Oh well, accidents happen. We live in 21st century, they'll build it all over again and it will be better because it will be new. When I said that the roof was from the 13th century, the rosette, the stained glass is an original renaissance masterpiece... He said so what.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

[manhasetardis]

LWJ wants to be a dad

I love how much lwj wants to raise kids with wwx.

We have the first moment he realizes this in Yiling when he meets a-Yuan.

He is surprised to learn that a-Yuan is wwx’s son, but he immediately, with zero hesitation, just goes. No, he’s our son.

A whole new world just opened up for him. There’s nothing else on his mind. Head empty just how do I ask my not-really-even-friend-anymore with whom I am most deeply in love and who is currently being hunted down if I can adopt his son so we can raise him together?

Like, seriously, I cant handle this! Five minutes ago he had no idea he wanted to be a parent and now he’s imagining his future raising this child with wwx. Life sure is unpredictable.

The betrayal! He can’t believe wwx would do this. Wei Ying, this is NOT how we are going to raise our son. If you ask him which toy he likes best, you have to buy it for him. How can you be so heartless? We will have to have a conversation about this. For now I hope my glare conveys that this CANNOT happen again.

This is all he has ever wanted, to be hugged by his son with wwx as co-parent.

Obviously, we all know that he doesn’t get exactly that. he has to raise a-Yuan alone, and does an exceptional job, because he is a great dad and Lan Sizhui is the best boy.

But then we have the other moment when he meets Mianmian’s daughter.

He is so soft, he has such a soft spot for children. He just starts fantasizing about being a dad again.

I can tell you are being adorable again Wei Ying but I am too busy choosing the name of our future child.

They act like a married couple. Wei Ying is right in assuming that he can promise my money, everything I own is yours Wei Ying. And I am very glad my glare all those years ago worked. When you make a promise to a child you have to keep it.

This is too much. Wei Ying pouting so adorably in front of a little girl sure can’t be allowed. There has to be some rule about this. Wait, does this mean that I might see this all the time now I’ve decided we will raise a child? This time we might actually be able to raise a child together.

They are both amazing parents but i just love that every time lwj sees a child near wwx he just decides that they will be dads together. He can’t help it.

Wangxian Thoughts (4/?)

[aroaceamyrosearchive]

(Sonic Prime spoilers)

What do you think about Sonic Prime? (In other words Nine and Rusty Rose) Feel free to answer this later if you haven't seen the first episode

GOD. tails and amy are my favorite characters okay. so seeing this done to them. im sobbing. absolutely crying. my children.

seeing what the two of them would be like if they never met sonic. man they really all did rely on sonic back then huh??? it's really cool how theyve all grown in the prime universe but like. in this one theyre all :( yknow. makes me :(

god. the flicky thing. it's SUCH good writing. but oh my god. im so sad. cant believe he made amy so heartless. her whole thing is being full of love!!!! now its all gone!!!!! i am Normal about this.

on another note. the animation is SO COOL. the more i see of it the more i love it!!!!! especially rouge. oh my god they made rouge so expressive and it makes me love her character so much more actually

in other words im OBSESSED. cant wait for the rest of the show :D