#I WANNA START PACKING MY SHIT

[creativebrainrot]

like. i spent my entire life convinced i was unlovable, replaceable, that id never mean anything to anyone and that if i disappeared no one would notice or miss me. Spent my entire life so far convinced that the thread of hope i clung to like a vice was a lie and that id never be in a better place, that i didnt deserve good things, that all the little improvements would unravel eventually. Convinced that any friends i ever had would be fair weather friends that didnt truly care about me, that my friends would always end up being just like what id experienced before: they would eventually get bored and leave me behind for someone "better"

and i knew none of that was how life actually worked but fuck me thats how my life functioned under my father for two decades. I always- ALWAYS, knew that he was lying to me about other people, about how heartless the "real world" was, that he just wanted me to believe that every one was as bad as he was. And while I didnt believe him whenever he told me that kind of bullshit, i did believe to an extent that id only ever find people like him, as that was what I, in particular, me, the exception, deserved. I deserved his abuse and so even if the real world was not that bad, i would still only experience that exact same thing, over and over again. I deserved it. I didnt deserve better. I would be the exception to kindness, the exception to care, the exception to civility, as i did not deserve those basic respects.

It was never true obviously but thats the shit that prick got into my head. i still struggle with feeling replaceable, a lot. But I know its insecurity and I know and trust that my friends DO care.

And on the 6th of this month our house sale closes and i can finally truly unlearn that i deserve to die uncared for in a house, in a place, in a state, that I hate. My life is about to turn around in ways i cant fathom right now and im so excited for it.

I want to share the adventure of our upcoming roadtrip with my friends!! I want to be happy!! I WILL be happy, i already am.

two, DECADES of abuse coming to an end, 20 YEARS OF MISERY AND SUBPAR LIVING AND ANXIETY AND EVERY NEGATIVE EMOTION UNDER THE SUN, OVER WITH.

i havent had a furnished house since i was 7. I havent purchased clothing i like in years. i have never had a vanity for my makeup. we havent been able to repair our sink, water, washer & dryer, bathrooms, ac, for months and years. I havent sat at a table to eat in my own house since i was a child. I havent had a real bedroom since i was a toddler. I havent been able to even BE AN ADULT SINCE THE TIME I TURNED EIGHTEEN. Ive been so upset by my states hatred that i didnt even want to be in the system. I dont want to hear my deadname. Not even primarily because its my deadname but because noone except my abuser ever called me by that name. my dad called me by a nickname that i still love.

and i am so excited and happy to leave all this shit behind. GOD, WE'RE FREE FINALLY.

Ive been so convinced my entire life id never get out of this fucking house, this year has been awful on my mental state, and we are FINALLY free. completely.

There's something poetic about how my abuser tried to isolate me so badly, tried to convince me that other people were as awful as he was, only for the friends i have now to be one of the sole reasons my dad and i didnt go hungry or get evicted this year.

I always knew he was lying to me. Thanks for helping to prove him wrong.

its late, my sleep schedule sucks, and im having so many life thoughtsTM right now (/positive)

[mossyflowers]

"Hand in hand, they tango straight to hell"

[thelastsaiyanprincess]

the anger is now turning into resentment

[thetangibleghost]

I need to go. Store.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[rosicheeks]

🤔

[winterrose42]

The frustration of i want to do things and get things done but i dont have everything i need to fully complete it. Cant complete it so whats the point of working at all. Need to do things now so im not overwhelmed doing All Of It later. I dont have everything i need yet so i cant complete it and it looks bad. Cant complete it so whats the point-

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[blurglesmurfklaine]

I legit just wanna cry and I think I might do that

[carefulfears]

anywhere with you by maggie rogers is msr on-the-run to me. word for word

[milo-is-rambling]

Now why the hell do I have such intensely realistic dreams I had to wake up and stare at the ceiling for like ten minutes to make sure I was alive.

[sketchunit]

in my elementary school we had, for a short period of time before the teachers locked that shit down, a combo dodgeball-tag game going around where whoever was It would have, you guessed it, one of those big ass handballs that made the Sound. It was a pretty straightforward game; you chuck it at someone and if you hit them they’re also it and gotta go get a ball (or you could work together with one ball). Ricochets were allowed but if it was caught before it hit the ground then the people hit were safe. Headshots weren’t allowed but after like the first four accidental incidents the teachers closed shop on us :(

we ALSO had extreme cherrybomb. For those that don’t know, it’s typically played on a play structure of some sort, and the person who’s It has to try and tag all the other people the catch is when they’re up on the structure, they have to have their eyes closed. However they can periodically call out “cherrybomb” and if any of the players are off the structure and on the ground at that point in time (which was sometimes vital for avoiding being tagged), they’re it. If there’s multiple people you either do a high stakes It game or they rock paper scissors, woe to the defeated. the supervisors also Hated us for that bc some of the more spidery-inclined kids (myself included) found out they were 1. capable of climbing on the OUTSIDE or ROOF of the structure to evade, and 2. We’re very good at it, and until the tagger figured it out, was an almost 100% success rate. And even after they figured it out it still had a high success rate bc you could just hang out where the tagger couldn’t reach with ease.

anyways that one got shut down Not bc my friend walked off the top of the rock wall while It (despite everyone’s yelling to stop. He thought we were trying to keep him away from tagging someone and so kept going) and got a concussion (fear not, he was ok), but bc one guy who was Known for being really whiny and a sore loser and a tattletale stepped off the Normal Stairs while It (which he already wasn’t happy about because of the aforementioned Spider Antics), tripped on the last one and ate woodchips, and then went crying to the supervisor and ruined everyone’s fun.

lately my kids have been playing Baby Knife, which consists of somebody acting as a baby with knife hands chasing people while going "baby knife baby knife" over and over. is this a thing or are they just insane

[sprinklethetangerine]

Exams are NOT going well. This is clearly due to external influences and not at all anything to do with me because if it was then I might have to accept the fact that I'm not as smart as my childhood led me to believe and my ego is too big to do that.

[springcatalyst]

the packing has begun. my aparment is. quite empty

[exopelagic]

I know the world is cruel because I finally wanna draw again and yet I am forced to pack :(

[polarfarina]

I am really sore from work I wish riding five hours in the car didn't require having your feet on the ground