#i cannot communicate how much of a rush comments are

[starchaserdreams]

I thought my love language was Quality Time but then I discovered AO3 comments and now I know that my love language is actually Words of Affirmation anyway wow

[heartpascal]

check under the doormat

▹ — joel miller x platonic!f!reader + tommy miller x platonic!f!reader

▹ — summary: settling down fully in jackson means new friends, and more patrols. what could go wrong?

▹ — a/n: 9.7K words here guys … and i cannot tell you what is in here. anyway. hopefully its decent. i feel like i just have very little memory of writing all of this, tis all a BLUR!! one second it was two paragraphs, the next its this??? anyway. hope yall enjoy (pls be nice)

▹ — warnings: angst (as always), blood, injuries, food & food hall, teasing, infected + humans, canon typical violence ofc, father figure miller bros, slight suggestion of a dead horse, swearing, not proofread

▹ — general taglist: @auggiesolovey @just-kaylaa @evyiione @lemonlaides @fariylixie0915 @erensloveinterest @dazedshoon @faceache111 @randomhoex

masterlist | PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE

howl’s song association!

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

As much as you had grown to love the town of Jackson, one thing that you couldn’t seem to grow fond of was how loud and obnoxious the dining hall was. You understood, of course, a community eating space where people could socialise and eat and enjoy the company of other residents, it was going to be loud.

But you hated it.

You were used to quiet eating times, or at the very least, quieter. Before Ellie, eating times often remained silent, rushed, especially when you were out on a trip with Joel and Tess. There hadn’t been time to chat. Even when Ellie had tagged along, it wasn’t too loud, because she was mostly forced to talk to herself.

With the Millers, it remained somewhat peaceful at dinner time, the occasional teasing before you focused on shoving your food into your mouth, never quite getting the hang of slowing down. After all, you’d always lived life in a rush, constantly forced to hurry up when eating to save daylight.

In the hall, people laughed and talked and even shouted. It was off putting for you, and you couldn’t quite grow comfortable around it, even when you tried to sit as far away from the rowdy groups as you could, taking a table that sat right along the edge of the room, opposite where you grabbed food.

Most people in the town gravitated towards the noise, crowding in the middle of the room, which was why you were so surprised when you saw someone sit down at the other side of your table, placing a plate in front of them and gazing at you from the corner of their eye.

You looked up from your plate, eyebrows furrowed when you looked at the boy sat opposite, confused why he sat at your table when there were still multiple free.

“Hi.” He said, a grin on his face, and he tapped restless fingers against the table, waiting for your response.

“…Hi.” You replied after a minute, though it came out as more of a question, your confusion evident through both your voice and your expression. The boy grinned wider, and held a hand out over his plate.

“I’m Jesse!” Jesse told you, shaking your hand firmly when you slowly reached toward his extended palm.

“Okay?” You said, watching with even further befuddlement as the boy picked up his cutlery, and began eating, looking at you expectantly. With a slight huff of an awkward breath, you told him your own name, your eyes darting around the room as he grinned widely, showing off some of the half-chewed food in his mouth.

He stayed at your table for the entire meal, until eventually he was waved away by somebody sat toward the middle of the hall. He’d been mostly quiet, other than a comment here or there which hadn’t required a response, mostly talking about how loud the other residents were. When he left, he waved wildly, not faltering even as your hand remained on the table.

You blinked down at your empty plate, completely perplexed by what had just happened.

Two days later, in the dinner hall during lunch time, it happened again. Jesse sat opposite you, his plate full of food in front of him, and he grinned in your direction, as if it answered all of your questions.

“You know, it’s much nicer in here during lunch.” He commented, looking around at the slightly quieter room, his gaze lingering on the group sat in the middle of the room. Jesse moved his eyes to look at you, almost expectantly.

“I guess.” You answered, after a moment of reluctance, and shoved another forkful of food into your mouth when Jesse grinned with a shake of his head.

“You’re not very talkative, are you?” Jesse asked, amused. When you just shrugged your shoulders, hoping he’d take the hint, he continued. “Y’know, I don’t really see you around town much. I’m quite the social butterfly.” He snickered at his own words. “You don’t even eat here every day.”

“Yeah, and?” You asked, voice snarky and matching your unimpressed expression.

“Just saying.” He said, shrugging his shoulders in defeat, or so you had thought. “Where do you live?”

“Isn’t that a creepy thing to ask?”

Jesse put his hands up, tilting his head and clearly trying his best to give an innocent look. “No, it’s a small town. Most people know just because everyone is a neighbour’s neighbour.”

“Clearly not that small.” You said, and he snickered again at your response, amusement lingering in his eyes.

“Guess not.” He shrugged, shoving more food into his mouth, and you stared at him for a moment longer, before getting back to eating your own food.

It continued like that for three weeks after the first time Jesse sat with you — he’d sit opposite you, comment about the dining hall, maybe tell a joke or two. He’d ask you questions that you wouldn’t give a clear answer to, and you’d raise your eyebrows at him for all of his strange behaviours. You thought he would’ve caught on that you weren’t all too interested in entertaining him, but each time you were in the hall, he sat at your table.

You hadn’t realised quite how used to his presence you had become until you were sat in the dining hall one evening, and he didn’t show up. You tried to pretend that you weren’t searching for his face each time the doors swung open, but realised it was likely obvious you were searching for someone.

For two days, he hadn’t showed. You pretended you weren’t concerned.

Until it came to the third day, where you had arrived to the dining hall late after facing questions from Tommy as to why you weren’t eating at theirs as often, and there he was. Sat at the table you usually occupied, his head snapping up the moment you swung the door open.

You sighed, something closer to relief than annoyance, because you didn’t mind his mindless comments. As much as it surprised you, you didn’t find his presence all that off-putting.

As soon as you had grabbed your own plate of food, you made your way over, sitting opposite Jesse. He perked up at your presence, lowering his fork from where it had been pushing food around his plate. Your eyebrows furrowed when you saw his face, littered in cuts and scrapes, a plaster covering his forehead.

“What happened?” You asked, before you could think better of it, and he rolled his eyes with that all too familiar grin.

“Aw, you worried about me?” He teased, his hand shooting out to grab your arm when you reached to pick up your plate, moving to stand. His teasing stopped quickly, and a smile quirked at your lips. “Okay, okay. It’s embarrassing.”

“Well now you have to tell me.” You reasoned, slightly amused already at the prospect of whatever humiliating thing had gotten Jesse in such a rough shape.

“I… fell off of a horse.” Jesse said, and you couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you, despite the way he immediately frowned, defensive. You probably shouldn’t be laughing — given that the one lesson of horse riding you’d had with Tommy hadn’t gone so well. “It’s not funny!” He defended, but a smile was creeping up on his face.

“It’s kinda funny.” You responded, still grinning at the image of Jesse just going face first off of a horse. “Okay, it’s really funny.”

“You…” Jesse trailed, shaking his head. “After all my jokes, me falling off of a horse is what makes you laugh?”

You shrugged, an amused look on your face, and said, “Maybe you need to get better jokes.”

Jesse gasped in offence, holding a hand to his chest as if the words had physically pained him, and you shook your head at his dramatics. You were glad he was okay, because you almost enjoyed his presence, on occasions.

“So this is why you wanted to come to the dining hall, huh?” Came a voice from your left, and you snapped your head over to look at Tommy with widened eyes. He was grinning, a teasing smile growing wide on his face, and he laughed. “Oh, I cannot want to tell Maria.”

“Tommy!” You hissed, scolding, your cheeks growing warm at his words. It wasn’t like that — you just wanted to know if Jesse was okay. You mildly enjoyed his jokes, sue you, and it was nice to be around a non-Miller, even for just under an hour a day. “What are you doing here?” You asked, dropping your cutlery onto your plate and glaring at the man.

“Thought I’d save Maria cookin’ and grab some food from here.” He snickered, “Had no idea what I’d be walking into.”

“Oh, are you—” Jesse started, but you cut him off with a stern look.

“No. Tommy, go away.” You ignored the way Jesse was laughing to himself, his grin wide as he looked between you and the Miller man. “Shut up, Jesse.”

“How’s the injury?” Tommy asked, amused, his grin widening when you looked between the two of them, confused. You were sure your face couldn’t get warmer — you would never live this down, you were sure. Tommy wasn’t one to let things go.

“Better,” Jesse grumbled, and you felt the slightest bit better that he felt embarrassed over his horse-related injury. “Had her worried, apparently.”

“I was not worried.” You defended, immediately, and turned to glare at Tommy, repeating your words. He just gave you a disbelieving look. “I hate you both. I’m going home.”

You stood, grabbing the plate of food and heading towards the stack of dirtied dishes. You ignored the way the two of them were still snickering behind you.

“Oh, come on,” Jessie called out to you, almost shouting your name, his grin not faltering even as you sent him a dirty look over your shoulder. “Where are you going?” He asked, standing and following you, with Tommy trailing behind whilst shaking his head.

“Don’t you have a wife to feed?” You asked Tommy, eyebrows raised, and grinned tightly when he swore, heading over to get a serving for himself and Maria. “And you, go away.” You told Jesse, looking at him flatly when he just smiled at you some more, clearly very entertained by Tommy’s arrival.

“Why’re you embarrassed? You’re allowed to have friends!” Jesse responded, following behind you as you scraped off the remnants of food on your plate.

“We’re not friends.” You grumbled, shoving the cutlery into the elected trays, before placing the dirty plate on top of a pile of three.

“Hmm, I don’t believe that. You like me.” Jesse laughed, unable to wipe the smile off of his face even as you shook your head, making your way to the exit. “It’s true! We are friends. Admit it!”

You rolled your eyes, the smile tugging at the edge of your lips, but you refused it, not wanting Jesse to have the satisfaction.

He followed you out of the dining hall, still going on, “Admit it!” In a sing-song voice. It was incredibly annoying.

“Nothing to admit. Now go away.” You responded, turning your head to look at him as he followed along. “I could be leading you to a dark alleyway to murder you, you know.”

“You wouldn’t. You know why?”

“Why’s that?” You asked dryly.

“Because we’re friends.”

You scoffed out a laugh, unable to help it, because he really was kind of contagious. You stopped, turning fully around to see him grinning to himself.

“If I agree, will you go away?” You asked, eyebrows raised as you crossed your arms in front of your chest, forcing your expression to flatten into something closer to serious.

“Maybe.”

“Fine,” You drawled, rolling your eyes, “You, the weird guy who sits at my table uninvited all the damn time, are my friend.” Despite the way you had described him, Jesse still smiled blindingly at your admission, his whole face lighting up.

“I knew it!” Jesse yelled, putting his arms in the air victoriously, and you shook your head, holding the bridge of your nose with one hand as he cheered. “You couldn’t resist my charming nature, beautiful looks, and unbeaten survival skills.”

You looked flatly at him, “You’re annoying, look like shit, and the only skill you’ve shown off, is how many pieces of bread you can fit in your mouth without choking.”

“Wow, harsh.” Jesse said, though his grin didn’t fall.

“Don’t take it personally, kid.” Tommy said, making you both turn to see him, two boxes of food held in his hand. He grinned, and nodded his head toward you. “She’s a softie, really.”

Your flat look just made Jesse snicker, and you shot him a glare. “You’re both annoying.”

“Mhm, whatever. Now get. Maria will wanna see you. Get yourself home, Jesse.” Tommy said, shooing Jesse away and shaking his head as the boy shot off with a wave, and a “See you later, friend.”

“I’m coming to yours, then?” You asked with a roll of your eyes, elbowing him in the ribs when he moved to stand at your side. “Asshole.”

“Hey! Watch your language!” He scolded, though there was no force to the words.

“Yeah, okay, Dad.” You snickered, shooting him an amused look at the joke you’d made, before you continued on in the direction of his house. You missed the way he raised eyebrows, something like shock on his face.

“God, I am gettin’ old.” He mumbled to himself, shaking his head before he set off behind you.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

“This is so unfair.” Jesse told you, sulking as he walked by your side, loose stones crunching underneath your feet. You just smile, almost smug, as you turn your head to see his frown.

“It’s not unfair.” You said, rolling your eyes when Jesse only pouts, slowing his pace to keep up with your own. “I’m just better. And Tommy can’t say no to me.”

Jesse slows as you approach the stables, seeing Tommy stood impatiently, his foot tapping against the ground as he waits for you to meet him. When he stops, you stop, turning to the boy who had adopted the tendency to follow you wherever you went.

“Be careful.” He warned, expression turning serious, though his pout remained.

“Jesse, I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing.” You told him, waving off his concern with a casual pat to his arm. He frowned, and you rolled your eyes at him. “Seriously, calm down.”

“I’m calm!” He defended, a pitch too high to actually make the statement believable. “Can’t believe you get to go out on actual patrols. I’m still stuck on stupid kid training.”

“You are a stupid kid.” You snickered when he shoved your shoulders. “You’ll be out there with me, soon enough.”

Jesse rolled his eyes, about to respond when Tommy called your name, his impatience growing, and he moved to walk over. “I’m coming!” You yelled back to him, huffing at his impatient nature. “I’ll see you later, okay? To tell you all about my badass shooting.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Don’t die.” Jesse said, and you waved him away as you made to go over to where Tommy was looking at his wrist expectantly. You snickered.

“You do know you’re not wearing a watch, right?” You asked as you approached the man, taking the rifle he held out for you without a second thought. You put it over your shoulder.

“Don’t need to be wearin’ one to know that you’re late.” He scolds in response, and you roll your eyes, not paying him much mind seeing as you were before the time he’d actually told you. Tommy just liked to complain.

With a scoff, you followed him into the stables, where the man working there for the day handed off two horses. He passed you the reigns to a dark brown horse, and you smiled, petting her on the nose.

The walk down to the gate was quiet, and you pretended not to notice Tommy glancing at you multiple times out of the corner of your eye. You knew what he was hoping for, but he wouldn’t be getting it today.

A group of those on patrol had already gathered, only a few missing, and you huffed at how early these people liked to be. The assignments had been handed out already, and a woman came over to whisper your assignment to Tommy, giving him a tight smile after she had glanced at you.

“You sure about this, kid? No shame in backin’ out, goin’ home.” Tommy told you, sighing heavily when you shook your head immediately.

“I’m doing this, Tommy. Where we headed?” You asked, watching people start to get on their horses, and head out of the now-open gate.

“C’mon. Goin’ on a trail through the woods, got a cabin out there, needs checking out.” He told you, helping you get onto the horse as you struggled to get up. You got comfortable on the saddle, smiling at him.

With a heavy sigh, he got on his horse, and led the way out of the gate.

You’d guess that he had staked out this route before he allowed you on it. It was tame, barely a sound in the woods other than a few birds chirping away. You shouldn’t have been surprised, it was definitely a Tommy thing to do. Well, a Miller thing, if you thought about it. You knew Joel had done the same thing back when you’d been with him and Tess at the QZ, before he’d let you come on any smuggling trips.

You didn’t mind it, really.

The gun still slung over your shoulder was a comforting weight, and you were just glad to be holding a weapon once again. It was heavier than the ones you were used to, contained more ammo than you could’ve dreamed of, back in the QZ days. It felt good.

Tommy stared at the woods around you, glaring as if he was daring anything to come out of them. It was almost funny. If you weren’t on edge, surveying your surroundings, you might’ve laughed. But you were on this patrol only because he had allowed it, and you were going to prove yourself.

The cabin Tommy had told you about finally came into view, after around an hour of riding, and you raised your eyebrows. You were expecting it to be… more intact, for whatever reason.

With walls made up of rotten wood, and a half burnt down barn, it definitely fit the image of a shack, rather than a cabin. The door was on the ground in front of the frame, and the fence surrounding the property may as well not be there, with how many gaps were in it.

“Well… it’s something.” You offered, pausing your horse behind Tommy’s as he stopped, staring ahead.

“Okay, let’s check it out. We’ll leave them here.” He told you, gesturing towards the horses as he swung his leg over his own, stepping onto solid ground. You did the same, letting Tommy grasp your bicep to keep you steady as you managed to get down. He took the reins of your horse, tying it loosely to a branch not far from his own horse. “Got your knife, too?” He asked, when watching you grasp your gun.

“No, Tommy, you forget that you guys took all my stuff when I first got to town?” You drawled, looking flatly as him, and he returned your expression, rolling his eyes before relenting, giving you a switchblade he’d had shoved in his pocket. “What about you?”

He unsheathed a larger blade from his thigh, waving it in your direction, and you rolled your own eyes at him, reminding yourself to not care about his safety, next time.

You put the knife in your own pocket, and gripped your gun with firm fingers as you followed behind the Miller man, eyes set as you kept an ear out for anything moving around.

The floorboards to the cabin creaked as he stepped inside, and you both cringed, stilling. When nothing came around the corner to try and kill you, Tommy glanced back at you, nodding to continue. The good thing was that there were no signs of clickers, no telltale clicking or stumbling feet. However, from somewhere in the cabin, something was groaning.

“You stick behind me, okay?” Tommy told you, his voice firm and leaving no room for argument. Not that you would have argued, anyway, because you knew better. You’d rather be stuck in the backseat than him do something stupid and get himself killed trying to protect you. With your confirming nod, he sighed quietly, before continuing on with practiced light footsteps.

You raised your gun higher when the sound steadily grew louder, and Tommy grew tense as the two of you got closer. Finally reaching the room, Tommy peered into the doorway, his expression showing that he’d seen the Infected responsible for all the noise. You peeked between his shoulder and the door when he moved closer, gun raised toward the thing’s head.

It was newly turned, you would’ve guessed, as it still sounded almost human as it cried. The hair on its head hadn't thinned as it usually did with time, and on its arm, you could see the dried blood around where those raised marks originated — the bite. You wondered if the one that bit it was still around, or if this thing had had the sense to shoot it while it had been human.

Stepping into the room, Tommy pulled the trigger, as the Infected turned its head at the noise, mouth opening to let out a shout before it was interrupted by the bullet. You jumped, not expecting the sudden gunshot noise, and you had forgotten just how loud the sound actually was.

Everything was silent for a moment after, both of you holding your breath as you waited for something else to happen. When it was clear after a few seconds, Tommy approached the body, patting pockets and pulling out a small box of pistol ammo, which he stuffed into his own pocket. The thing didn’t have a gun on it, surprisingly. You wondered if it would’ve been here if it had had a gun on it, but chose not to voice that.

When there was a resounding cry, echoing around the hollow wooden walls, Tommy thought his heart was going to stop. There was a door on the wall beside the one you had entered, and he couldn’t tell which way the sound was coming from.

“The corner.” You suggested, nodding over to the corner of the room, so you could have a clear view of both doors, the only possible entrances. Tommy nodded, ushering you over first, and he followed, raising his gun towards the door on the left, while he nodded you toward the one on the right.

Something clattered to the floor in the cabin, and you breathed steadily form your nose, adjusting your grip on the gun just slightly, and keeping your eyes locked onto the doorway.

It let out another yell, much closer than it had been earlier, and Tommy kept his own gun trained on the left doorway. When it smacked into something nearby, Tommy pressed his finger over the trigger, waiting.

The Infected stumbled into the right door, and the gunshot echoed throughout the room, with Tommy letting out a harsh breath as he watched you lower your smoking gun slightly, looking over the top of it to check the thing stayed down. It did.

“Nice going, kid.” Tommy said, slightly begrudgingly, but he couldn’t help feeling something like pride in his chest. You were a good kid, and he hadn't doubted you, but you hadn't let him down. You were as good of a shot in real-life situations as you were in simulated ones. Moving targets didn't prove to be an issue. However, it did mean that he had no excuse for keeping you off of the patrols he’d promised to allow you on.

You smiled. “Told you so.” You said, and raised your gun, looking through the doorway to the left as Tommy searched the second Infected’s pockets for anything of use. Coming up empty handed, he followed you through the second door, watching as you searched through drawers, the room being a dead end. You waved a box of rifle ammunition at him triumphantly. “Better check the rest of the place.”

He nodded, and you went back to following behind him, glad that at least his tense shoulders had loosened the slightest bit after the show of your skill. You could understand his nerves — you wouldn’t like to have a kid completely reliant on you, either. But you could take care of yourself.

Finally, Tommy realised that, too.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

When Joel burst into the Miller home, Tommy hadn’t really known what to expect. His brother had changed over the years, much like he had, and while they remained close, things between them hadn’t been the same since Sarah. Joel hadn’t been the same.

His eyes were wide, his hair unruly, and Tommy realised he’d probably just woken up after taking the night patrol. Joel usually prided himself on being in control during stressful situations, but he was definitely not composed.

“What are you doing here, Joel?” Tommy asked, eyebrows raised as he turned to the man, holding his son in his arms. He had hoped that they could bond over this — fatherhood — but Joel had remained somewhat distant, steering clear of the baby Miller. He wasn’t expecting Joel until later on, an hour or two, at the least, when him and Ellie were meant to be joining Tommy and Maria for dinner, whilst you dined at the dining hall with your new friend.

“I ask you to keep her safe, that’s all I asked of you, and now you’re letting her on patrols?” Joel spat, his voice loud, and Tommy’s son stirred in his arms, distressed at the shouting.

He should’ve expected this — part of him did, which was probably why Tommy hadn’t told Joel about it, even when he asked what had caused you to storm out of the house, all those days ago. Tommy sighed, tilting his head back and closing his eyes in annoyance.

“She asked to go, Joel, I’m not gonna shield her from the world.” Tommy reasoned, shifting his son to hold in one hand, now that he had stirred from where he had been falling asleep. Tommy supposed he’d be missing his afternoon nap, now. They were going to have a grumpy child on their hands, in the coming hours.

“She’s seen enough of the world, Tommy! Why do you think I left her here? You think that was for nothin’?” Joel responded, immediately, a hot feeling settling heavy on his neck as he looked at his brother. Everything he had done, everything he had sacrificed by leaving you behind, for what? For his little brother to go over his head, and disregard those decisions? You would barely even speak to him. It hurt, and it carved a pain in his chest that was only rivalled by the loss of his first daughter.

Joel thinks of those times he’d tried to reach out, tried to help you understand, and thinks of how you had rejected each attempt. The most civil interaction he’d had with you was delivering that food after the argument you’d had with Tommy — and the two of you had barely spoken.

He thinks of how this might be the rest of his life — reaching for you, and watching you turn away.

Joel knew he’d do it all again in a split second, if it kept you safe. He didn’t want to imagine what might have happened if you had joined them, didn’t want to think about the time he had almost lost Ellie, didn’t want to imagine it could’ve been both of you.

Tommy feels bad, for a moment, but he knows that you’re capable of being out there. Besides, it wasn’t like he was shoving you out of the gates on your own! The moment you gave him an inkling of the idea that you didn't want to be out there, he’d be stopping the patrols.

“Joel,” Tommy sighed, because part of him feels pity for his older brother, who struggles far more than he lets on, but he also understands your anger. Two sides of the same coin. “Nobody’s sayin’ that was for nothing. But she’s not some little kid, alright? And I was with her the whole time, nothing was gonna happen to her.”

“You’re not invincible, Tommy,” Joel said, his brows furrowed, and he doesn’t halt himself even as he hears footsteps coming down the stairs, likely drawn by the commotion he’d caused. “And neither is she. God damn it, Tommy.” He raised his hand, holding the bridge of his nose as he turned away from his little brother, trying to gain back some of his composure.

Maria stepped around him, cautiously taking the baby from Tommy’s grip, and said, “What’s going on down here?” She looked between the two brothers, waiting for somebody to answer her.

“He doesn’t want her goin’ on patrols.” Tommy said at last, after silence had lingered for too long, and he didn’t need to say much else for Maria to know who he was talking about.

“Trust me, Joel, I wasn’t thrilled about it, either.” Maria spoke, going to say some more before Joel cut her off, his hand moving from his face to gesture wildly in front of him.

“She’s just a kid!” Joel yelled out, unable to help himself. He thinks back to when the raiders came, to the way panic had gripped him as he shoved Ellie across the street toward his brother’s, and had set off toward the ceramic shop. He remembered his heart beating so wildly in his chest that he thought it might give out, especially when he caught sight of a raider, the gear too reminiscent of a night so long ago, a light shining in his eyes, blinding him, until all he could hear was Sarah. “Don’t you get it?” He asked, almost desperately.

“I get it, Joel.” Maria said, her voice so stern that Joel couldn’t interrupt, even if he had wanted to. He looked to the door on his left, catching sight of the names still written on that chalkboard, and he knows. He looked to Maria, and he could see it on her face. She knew, just as much as he did. “But it’s not our choice. All we can do is try to keep her safe, wherever she goes.”

It helps, for a moment, that there’s somebody who does understand, but then he’s just filled with something burning, and he turns away from the chalkboard before he can imagine your name written up there, next. “If she dies, that’s on you.” He spat, pointing an accusing finger at his younger brother, “And I’ll never forgive you for it.”

Tommy watched his brother turn away, slam the door shut so hard the walls shook, and feels the weight on his shoulders get heavier. He sighed, Maria’s hand on his shoulder doing nothing to relieve the burden.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

Jesse’s hands were covered in wet clay, and you could only laugh as he cursed, baring his teeth at the wheel in front of him, covered in splatters of clay. “How the…” He started, trailing off and sputtering when he pressed too hard on the pedal, making a watery clay fly in all directions, including straight to his face.

“Okay, I think that’s enough of that.” You told him, pulling him away from the stool he was sat on, and watching the spinning slow to a stop, Jesse’s miserable attempt at pottery left looking even worse when you could actually see it. He was sulking, you knew before even facing him, and couldn’t help but snicker.

“Oh, shut up. Not everyone can be a damn… whatever you are.” Jesse retorted, glaring at you as your snicker turned into a laugh as he failed to find a phrase for you. “Okay, stop laughing. Stop! It’s not funny!”

You continued grinning at him, as he washed his hands clean of clay remnants, and watched as he dried them on a rag left by the sink. “Oh, come on Jesse, you should know by now that your misery brings me the most joy and entertainment.” You said, smiling sweetly at the boy who had quickly grown comfortable in your space.

When you had actually invited him, you couldn’t recall, but he had a way of just inviting himself into places. You didn’t mind it all that much, despite how tired you were after going on patrol. You were pretty sure that it was from the faded adrenaline, the rush of being back in the real world leaving you wiped out. It had been more than a few months by now since you had been out there, travelling and facing those things every day.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” He asked, jokingly, pouting at where you were scraping his failed creation off of the wheel, throwing the clay in the bucket beside the machine, where you usually threw your own failed attempts.

“Hey, you know where the door is.” You replied, not turning to look at him despite finishing cleaning the wheel as you said it. You didn't want to think about the truth of the words, or why the concept made your chest ache in a painfully familiar way. Why did you do this to yourself?

“Not going anywhere,” Jesse said, a hint of truth to his words, and you turned to glance at him, if only to give him a raised eyebrow in response. “I mean, who else is gonna tell me the story of their very first patrol?”

You shook your head at him, despite the way his words relieved the ache the smallest bit, and sighed. “I mean, when you put it that way…” You trailed, rolling your eyes when he sat himself down on another stool, leaning forward and looking at you like he was a child, waiting for story time.

As you told the story, you made it more dramatic, just for his sake, though it was entertaining you, too, even if you wouldn’t admit that aloud.

Tommy, stood outside the shop door, listened as you told it, feeling that weight on his shoulders pull him down further as you got closer to the end of your tale, laughter shared between you and Jesse at the exaggerated details. He laid his head against the frame, sighing heavily when he caught your final words, “You should’ve seen it, man. We were the dream team. Fighting off Infected, saving the cabin, one bullet at a time.”

Jesse laughed, and you joined, sure the grin on your face would never be wiped away in that moment. “You gotta convince him to bring me!”

“Hm, maybe one day, asshole.” You responded, rolling your eyes at the pleading expression Jesse was sending your way.

“Come on, I’m a way better shot than I am… potter-er.” He justified, sighing when you laughed at his choice of words, echoing it in a disbelieving tone.

Tommy walked away from the shop, unsure what to do about the weight that was getting too heavy for his aged joints.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

It had been around four months since you had started doing patrols, but only two weeks since you’d been doing them without Tommy. Spring had been leaking into summer when you had started, but now, the days were dropping colder, clouds looking heavier by the day.

This morning, you felt an inkling of nerves as you looked to the sky, worried about it finally storming, like the sky had been threatening for the past few days. You hated when your worries were proved correct.

“Shit, it’s getting bad out here.” You said loudly, squinting your eyes to see through the quickly-thickening snow that was falling. It was settling against the ground in deep blankets, surprisingly quickly. You didn’t think this winter would be as bad as last years, but it seemed you were proved wrong there, at least.

“Should we go find shelter?” Jesse yelled back from behind you, his hand over his eyes, trying to keep his horse as close to yours as he could.

“I don’t know if these buildings have been cleared!” You responded, feeling your heart thrum heavily in your chest as you looked through the falling snowflakes at the buildings around you. They were mostly houses, with one building that looked like it could’ve held offices.

“What other option do we have?” Jesse asked. You huffed, surprising yourself as you agreed with his thought process — you were at risk the longer you stayed out here, and the horses might not make it all the way back to Jackson. Especially as the snow on the ground got thicker, your horse getting nervous as she treaded through it. You patted her neck as soothingly as you could, looking back towards where Jesse was following, and you hated how you regretted convincing Tommy to let him come along.

You were meant to be travelling with another patroller from Jackson, but he had turned back a while ago, complaining of a stomach issue. You grit your teeth, recalling how he had nervously surveyed the clouds as the first sprinkle of snow had appeared. He had convinced Jesse it would be fine to go along without his guidance, and you hated how the two of you had trusted his judgement.

“Okay,” You relented, turning your horse to head towards a house opposite the office building. “That one’s got a garage! We can get the horses in there.”

Jesse followed you as you led the way, and you huffed a breath that disappeared between falling snowflakes, nervous for a reason you couldn’t quite explain. You got off of your horse, handing the reins to Jesse where he was perched upon his own, and you hefted the garage door up with a bit of difficulty, cringing at the way the metal screeched. You peered underneath, seeing no sign of Infected as it got halfway, but your head snapped up when you heard something in the distance, barely there over the swirling winds.

“We good?” Jesse urged, his teeth chattering, and you looked at him before nodding, lifting the garage door up the rest of the way. He pulled your horse alongside him as he rode inside, and you pulled the door shut behind you as you followed.

The temperature wasn’t much better in the garage, but the lack of snow falling on you certainly helped. You let out a deep breath, watching it cloud the air in front of your face, and let your head fall back against the wall behind you.

“You okay?” Jesse asked hesitantly, pulling his wet gloves from his hands and rubbing his hands together, trying to generate some warmth.

“Yeah,” You responded, almost absently, and looked up when Jesse said your name, “Just— Just thinking of how Tommy’s gonna kill that asshole, when he gets back without us.”

Jesse smiled, scoffing out a slight laugh despite the situation, and nodded in agreement, “Oh yeah, he’s dead meat.” He let a moment of silence pass, not wanting to voice the thought that you’d also just had, that Tommy might not be back in Jackson, either. He was sent on a route in the opposite direction, to take out a dozen Infected with a small group of others. Jesse cleared his throat, shoving his gloves into his pocket. “So, when we get back, I was thinking…”

“Uh oh, this can’t be good.” You interrupted, grinning at the roll of his eyes.

“I was thinking,” He repeated, “Maybe I should introduce you to my friend, Dina.”

You raised your eyebrows, snickering at the nerves in his tone as he suggested it. “I thought I wasn’t allowed to meet your friend Dina.” You reminded, after you had seen him trying to chat the girl up. You thought she had seemed into it, but apparently that meant you weren’t allowed to meet her, lest you embarrass Jesse in front of his crush.

“I have reconsidered. Shut up.” He responded when you snickered. “Don’t make me change my mind!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it. I’d love to meet her.” You said, continuing to grin when he groaned and dropped his chin to his chest, clearly regretting making the suggestion already. He was pretty sure the two of you would team up against him. “You sit there and suffer, I’m gonna check the house out.”

Jesse frowned, moving to follow you, but you waved him away, knowing that he was annoyingly better with the horses. You thought of what had happened to him when you’d not long become friends, and grinned to yourself.

You held your gun up as you left the garage, looking in each room carefully, methodically, like you had done it hundreds of times before. You didn’t keep count, so really, you might have.

The house was empty, of almost everything, clearly ransacked a long time ago. At least a few years, you would’ve guessed, looking at the way dust and cobwebs had settled on ruined furniture, cracked family photos. You picked a broken frame up, twisting it in your hand, and frowned as you saw the way the crack marred the faces of the family in the photo.

Upstairs was arguably worse, the bedrooms completely destroyed, and you couldn’t help but wonder if the family who had lived here was still alive. You were sure they would hate to see what had become of what had once been their home, so part of you hoped they weren’t.

You looked at a wardrobe that had been completely disassembled, clothes torn out and strewn across the floor, old sentimental pieces left to rot on the dusty carpet. You stepped towards the window, moving aside the blue curtain, and peered outside at the worsening storm. You squinted at the ground, wondering if your eyes were playing tricks on you, until you saw that the footprints were definitely there.

And they were coming from the opposite way you and Jesse had appeared from, heading straight toward the front door.

With a new sense of urgency, you gripped the gun in your hand tightly, stepping down the stairs as quickly as you could without completely giving away your presence. You peered around the corner, seeing a mass of black clothes moving outside the frosted glass of the front door.

“Jesse!” You hissed, stepping into the garage and watching him jump where he had been petting your horse’s neck. He stood straighter, eyebrows furrowing as you shut the garage door gently behind you, gripping your gun as if your life depended on it. “We’ve got company. We need to get out of here.”

He nodded, shoving down his fear and starting to grasp the reins of the horses, beginning the frustratingly slow process of turning them around in such a small space. “How long?”

“Not long enough.” You acknowledged, ear pressed to the door leading to the rest of the house, and you heard the doorknob rattle. “Get the horses ready, I’ll buy us some time.”

Jesse said your name nervously, but you shot him down, urging him to just do what you say with a look he hadn't seen before in your eyes. You opened the door, peering around the corner the slightest bit, gun aimed towards the door. You took a deep breath, steadying your aim as they finally got it open, two rushing in immediately.

The first one went down, dropped to the floor with a single bullet to the neck, and you tried to tune out the way he gargled. The woman who followed him ducked to the side, pressing against it, and you shot the third person who peered around the doorway, saying nothing when they yelled out a curse, injured, but not dead.

You didn't know how many there were. That was making you more nervous than you could comprehend, especially as you shot a fourth who tried to enter, watching her fall to the snow outside, and trying not to focus on the blood that stained the white blanket when somebody dragged her body out of the way.

A shot far too close to you made you duck back into the garage, turning your head to see Jesse turning his horse the right way. He gave you a thumbs up when they were ready, and you nodded, flinching halfway through at the shot that settled in the wood just above your shoulder.

With a huff, you slammed the door shut, pulling a cabinet in front of it with a heave that made your arms ache, the wood far heavier than you had expected. It clattered in front of the door, stopping the people on the other side from entering as you heard several sets of footsteps rushing in, the moment the door closed.

“Get on!” You urged, reaching for the bottom of the garage door and heaving it open in one quick movement, grasping onto your horse and fighting the panic when you struggled to get on her. “Go!” You yelled to Jesse, following him a moment after when you were on your horse.

Blood was rushing through your ears, tinting the snow falling around you a faint red around the edges of your vision, and you gripped the reins tighter. When shots began firing from behind you, you leaned your chest down, closer to your horse, and tried to hurry her into going faster, unable to feel the pity you usually would for forcing speed in such terrible conditions.

A shot to the glass of the office building drew your attention, and you heard the glass shatter behind you, but your eyes were unable to turn back to see what followed when Jesse cried out, sliding off of his horse in the moment of shock.

You pulled your horse to a stop when his own rode off, too panicked to stop and wait for his rider. “Jesse!” You yelled, hand going low as you leaned to the side, using the hand he grasped onto you with to help get him on your own horse. “Come on, come on.” You urged again, your heart hammering as you saw the drops of blood that stained the snow where he had fallen. “You asshole, hold on!”

When Jesse grasped firmly onto you with one arm, you hurried your horse forward again, knowing it would only be more difficult for her with the added weight. As soon as you got to the forest cover, it would be okay, you had to assure yourself.

Groaning behind you only panicked you further, and you felt your pulse in your throat as shuffling in the snow grew louder, before some of the gunshots stopped coming, the sound of screams filling your ears.

It blurred in your mind, the moment you reached the tree cover, only just remembering to look back behind Jesse to check you weren’t being followed when you had travelled for a few minutes. You felt Jesse slipping before he could say anything about it, and you had to stop the horse when he slipped so far you only just stopped him from falling. You couldn’t remember doing it, but you eventually got him draped over the horse in front of you, and you held a hand firmly on him as you urged the horse to go faster.

Getting back to Jackson was the easiest part, with the route melded into your mind, and despite the snow that covered everything, you knew the way.

The lookouts didn’t see you until you were almost at the gate, where they yelled for you to be let in. Multiple people poured out, helping you get Jesse off of the horse as you dismounted, and watched them carry him in, with him managing only weak steps where he was held up between two shoulders. When Tommy rushed up to you, his hands grasping your face, you wondered if Jesse had been speaking to you, that whole time, because at first, you couldn’t hear his voice.

“Are you hurt? Kid, are you hurt?” He demanded, tapping a hand against your cheek when your eyes drifted to where Jesse disappeared between the gates.

You shook your head, “‘M fine. We— we got ambushed, they’re still out there.” You responded almost absently, letting out a harsh exhale and feeling Tommy’s hands fall from your face, as he swore and brought a hand up to his head. “What? What is it?” You asked, your attention finally caught.

“Joel, he went out after you.” Tommy replied, reluctantly, and you felt your heart drop.

“What?” You asked, wanting him to repeat it to ensure your mind wasn’t playing tricks on you, that this hadn’t been the breaking point. “Joel’s out there?” When Tommy nodded, a sense of urgency went through you, and you stepped back, grasping the reins of your horse from whoever had grabbed hold of them.

You shuffled your way atop the horse, getting on and turning her around before Tommy could quite comprehend what you were doing. His eyes widened and he stepped towards you, hands out, pleading, and you hated the look on his face as you rode away.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

Your name being called in the distance caught your attention, and your head snapped towards the sound, where it was being yelled between gunshots. You swore, and rode on further, until you could finally see what faced you.

From the tree line, you could see the bodies of the people who had attempted to ambush you, half trampled by the horde of over a dozen Infected, which were swarming around as they were picked off slowly, from a house to the side of the one you had been in. You saw the glint of a gun coming from the shattered window of the living room.

Holding the reins still, you grasped onto your gun, adjusting your grip to accommodate the leather in your hand. You fired a single shot into the face of one of the runners, who was making too much progress in getting toward the window. You could only hope that it was Joel, as the sound of your name had fallen to a pause.

Between you and who you hoped was Joel, the hoard was picked off in no time, with them barely paying you any attention from your spot in the distance. Only one had come toward you, and it was dead before you could even change your aim.

“Joel?” You yelled, nerves making your throat clog up, and you squinted through the falling snow that had slowed during your shooting. “Joel?” You shouted again, louder that time, pushing past the lump in your throat.

He responded, calling your name, and you slid off of your horse, wrapping the reins around a branch and rushing to head towards the sound. When you peered through the broken window, stepping around bodies of humans and Infected alike, you saw him there, hand gripping tightly over a bleeding wound in his thigh. Joel’s shoulders fell when he saw you, a breath of relief leaving him, rushing out in a cloud that blocked the image of his face for a moment.

You stepped through the window frame, hissing when broken glass nicked your palm, and you held out your hand to help him stand. His bare hand grasped your gloved one, and you frowned for a moment, before focusing on pulling him to his unsteady feet.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” You asked, after he was finally stood on his own feet without your assistance. “You know what, don’t answer that.”

He said your name, and you whirled around to face him fully from where you had turned towards the doorway. “Please, let’s…”

“Let’s what, Joel?” You questioned, desperation leaking into the tone of your voice. “Let’s hug and make up after you almost got yourself killed? Is that it?”

“I came out here to help you!” He defended, looking at you with a pleading expression, his hand covered in blood as he pressed it harder against his leg.

“I didn’t need your help, Joel!” You yelled, hands waving in the air in your exasperation. “I had it covered. I’m not that same kid that needed saving, don’t you get that? You saved me. You already saved me, so why do you keep trying to get a do over?”

He gaped at you, for a moment, and couldn’t answer.

Joel thought of you, the face that was so much different from the one that looked at him now, thought of the way you had clung to him and Tess, as if your life depended on it. He supposed, it might’ve. He wonders if that’s why it hurt so much, that you pulled away, that it was an admission that you didn’t need him.

You stared at him, the man who had held on to you back at Boston QZ, who had done that despite the way it made his skin crawl, made his heart race. You knew now that he must’ve thought of his daughter, each time you looked to him with scared eyes, looked to him for answers, for protection. Knew that he must’ve been stuck in that day, all those years before, where he had failed at the first daughter who had looked to him that way.

“Please,” Joel repeated, because he didn’t know what else he could say, or do, other than beg you for something he wasn’t even sure he knew himself. Did he want forgiveness? “I didn’t want to leave you. I didn’t want to. But look at us.” He gestured between the two of you, the way you gripped your gun where you had slung it over your shoulder, the way he held onto a bleeding wound. “All I ever do is fail you, again and again and again. I couldn’t keep doing it. I failed Tess. I failed Sam, Henry… I couldn’t fail you. Not again.”

You stared at him, at the open wound he wasn’t attempting to hide, and you couldn’t stop the pull of your lips as you bared your teeth at him, swallowing the lump in your throat that made your eyes sting. You wondered, then, if showing your own unhealed wound would change anything, but you didn't think it would. You didn’t think anything could change the distance between the two of you.

With the heart in your chest aching, though for what, you couldn’t decipher, you shook your head, tilting it up towards the water-stained ceiling of this house. “Joel, that isn’t…” You sighed, closing your eyes, knowing that his expression would make you crack. “No, it’s not fair. I didn’t ask you to— to come back to Jackson, to come out here to protect me. You left me behind, so what? I’d be safe?”

His chest was painful, feeling so tight he wasn’t sure it would ever rise if he let his lungs empty, so he held his breath, staring at you as you refused to look at him.

“I was safest when I was with you.” You admitted, and Joel didn’t fail to notice the past tense of that sentence. “I was scared of losing you, of losing Ellie, like I had lost everybody else. I didn’t want to see that. I wanted to stay with you both. You made my fear come to life.”

Joel frowned, not moving as you stepped forward, finally looking at him, to point an accusing finger towards his chest. He said your name, wanting nothing more than to reach out for you, to hold you close and swear he’d keep you safe, but he was starting to realise your perspective. He was starting to realise that to you, he had failed. The moment he had left you behind, he had failed.

“And I hate you for it.” You added, arms falling to your sides, despite the way your fists clenched, just aching to hit him where it hurt, to not stop until he felt how you did.

“I’ll…” He trailed off, sure his next words would be the wrong ones, but he didn’t know what else he could say. “I’ll leave, if you want me to. I’ll go and I won’t come back, but only if you tell me. I don’t wanna leave you again.”

“You can’t just… put that on me.” You said desperately, turning to the window and taking another step away from him. “I don’t want you to leave, but I’m not sure how much I want you to stay, either.”

Joel blinked away the tears that were coming to his eyes as he looked at you, feeling like the two of you were miles apart.

“I don’t forgive you.” You told him, gritting your teeth, “And I don’t know if I ever will, but I…” You trailed off, looking out to where your horse was still stood in the faltering snow, suddenly feeling a harsh pang of guilt for leaving her there. “Let’s just get home, okay?”

“Okay.” Joel agreed, unsure what else he could do. Maybe, you were right, and you wouldn’t ever forgive him. Maybe he would live out the rest of his days, with only memories of you, only catching a glimpse of you as he passed you in Jackson, with you not sparing him a glance, as if the two of you were strangers. He doesn’t know if he can quite cope with that.

He tried to hold some hope in the fact that you were here, you had come back out here, for him, as he followed you out of the door of the house, limping his way to your horse, frowning where his own had been taken down by the horde. He tried not to linger on the thought.

You settled behind him on your own horse, and it hurt his chest, thinking that this is the exact way the two of you had been when riding into Jackson the first time. He hoped everything didn’t fall apart again, like it had before.

When your forehead rested against his back, complete exhaustion falling heavily on your shoulders, Joel tried not to hope.

He had never been good at such things, when it came to you.

PART FIVE

▹ — if the door wasn’t shut taglist (all parts): @sleepylunarwolf @am-i-shit-or-am-i-the-shit @mandowhatnow @aphrcdites @doodlebob-mp3 @rrickgrrimes8 @nikt-wazny-y @fallenoutofrose @wrathofcats @kakimakiloh @famoussuitcasepiebagel-blog @poliars @esstark @bella820 @gtxbitch

[whosaidsealscantfly]

My two cents on the whole situation

I think a lot of people in the Welcome Home fandom are misunderstanding the bigger picture here. It's resulting in a lot of people expressing disappointment and pointing fingers at people who aren't even the problem, and while the intentions mean well, it's causing the toxic environment Clown doesn't want.

In his post, which has now been privated, he talks about how overwhelming everything is. He even directly states that it's not just about boundaries, and while he has trouble putting it into words (and I will not put words in his mouth in the process either), Clown indicates that the sudden spotlight and attention is overwhelming him. And that's completely understandable - he's just one guy! Plus, he's been making stuff for Welcome Home for years, so it only makes sense to fluster over the sudden rush of attention in only a week. A week!!!

The reasons why boundaries come into play with all of this isn't just because his THREE rules were violated by garbage people. It's the fact that he had no time to establish boundaries beforehand, and it's stressful to suddenly have to think of EVERY facet of fandom culture and establish the dos and don'ts. But as Clown said, what's happened has happened, and all we can do is move on. Which leads me to my next point:

Clown explicitly said to not reprimand people on his behalf. He doesn't want the fandom to waste time and energy on people who have already crossed the line. What has happened, has happened. With that said, it's important to educate and point out when someone has crossed a boundary, but you shouldn't go through so much effort and anger over someone who clearly doesn't give a shit.

I've seen a lot of people who are making posts with a lot of "shame on you!"s and "You are all trash." I've also seen comments on harmless fanfics or art saying things like "You're the reason this fandom sucks." What awful things to say!

This fandom is probably one of the best fandoms I've been a part of. Why? Because a large majority, and I mean a LARGE majority, are respectful of Clown and want to do right by him. I've never seen a community band together so quickly to change their ways, apologize, spread the word, and evaluate the decisions they've made: not just in this fandom, but every fandom they've ever been a part of. That's HUGE. I've been on the internet for a very long time, and I don't think I've ever seen anything like that.

Yes, there are BAD eggs in this fandom, but there always is. What's important is that I haven't been seeing those bad eggs. Like, at all. I haven't seen a single explicit NSFW post, and I haven't seen a single piece of mass-produced merch. I've only heard about them through word-of-mouth, but I've never actually seen anything with my own eyes. Not that I doubt anyone, but I'm saying this to illustrate just how little bad eggs there are in the community. And this is a HUGE community.

In fact, I think we're so good, that we're starting to punish ourselves for making fandom content, and that is also awful. I want to reiterate what Clown's three major rules are:

Refrain from publicly posting NSFW content or content that wouldn't be safe for children to see/read.

Do not mass produce merch. Commissions and personal projects are fine, but they cannot be mass produced to be sold.

Do not impersonate and claim his art as yours. Give credit!! Don't trick people, and don't profit off of someone else's work!

And that's it! I've seen a lot of people taking down their fanfictions and art and AUs just because they're worried about Clown. That's super sweet and it warms my heart to hear that the community is so considerate, but remember, the three rules above are the only don'ts. Lots of people are scared of continuing to overwhelm him, and they're also scared that he might stop the project all together.

I assure you, he's not. Firstly, his fan works guideline is still pinned on his Tumblr blog!! If he wasn't sure of fanworks all together, he would have simply privated the post and write a new one with new rules. The rules have not changed. He loves to see fan interpretations, your AUs, your OCs, and your art! This is all explicitly stated! You can read it here incase you forgot -> https://www.tumblr.com/partycoffin/712519493403934720/apologies-if-this-has-already-been-asked-but-how?source=share

Secondly, he actually posted an update on his ko-fi that indicates that he's doing much better and that he's "elbow deep" into working on Welcome Home! I'm a member that gets to see all of his posts on ko-fi, and while I'm not going to show you the whole post (obviously), I will quote an important part you guys should see: "You have all been so delightful to me (Setbacks happen with an abrupt shift in attention, I realize, so roll I will with this newfound experience!) and I was like 'Oh, let's post a tasty preview!'"

Clown acknowledges all of the goodwill and kindness the community has shown. He even states that he's learned from the experience and he's working hard on Welcome Home to see it through!

This was a very long two cents, so I'll end it here.

tl;dr, You guys are being too harsh on each other/yourselves, and that's the last thing Clown wants. He's doing better, Welcome Home is still being worked on, and you shouldn't have to shame yourself or others for posting perfectly kosher fandom content. There's only three major rules, three, so you shouldn't have to feel bad about what makes you happy.

[20-th-centurygirl]

sfw alphabet

levi colwill x reader

a/n: you can find the nsfw version here <3

masterlist navigation

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

so so affectionate! he's always so touchy with you like he cannot keep his hands off you and not in a sexual way he just needs to have some sort of contact with you

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

feel like he'd be such a flirty best friend. always being touchy and making little comments (you're 100% always snogging at the end of a night out together) and there's always a lil tension but neither of you ever actually want to confess ofc you both eventually do and that's the whole reason you got together in the first place 🤭

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

loves them!! spending loads of time together is rare so whenever he has the chance he's just latching onto you like a koala and refusing to let go

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

in my head levi is an absolutely awful cook but he secretly teaches himself to cook so he can eventually cook you your favourite food on your birthday and have a whole 5 course candle lit dinner at home 🥹

he seems super tidy too like he won't ever leave mess because he just doesn't like it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

depends on the reason why you're breaking up but i think he'd try to be as civil and respectful about it as he could

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

he isn't really in a big rush to get married or engaged to you because he knows you're not going anywhere so he doesn't see the need to rush

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

so so gentle with you he literally treats you like royalty. you are his angel and he will always make sure you know that.

emotionally he's the same. he's always so mindful that you don't like arguing and that you'd rather talk about your feelings and communicate instead of having a big fight.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

his favourite hugs are hugs from behind ! he loves coming up behind you and just wrapping his arms so tightly around you and nuzzling his face into your neck, pressing little kisses all over you.

and he adores it when you do the same to him ! like you come up behind him while he's cooking (can manage a pot noodle and tbags about it bless him) while he's in just joggers and he melts when you wrap your arms around him and press kisses to his bare back. and he loves that you're so much shorter than him 🤭

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

you had to say it first. he knew he was hopelessly in love with you really early into your relationship but he was super nervous about lovebombing you so he stayed quiet. but oh my god his reaction when you told him you loved him!! no win or trophy could ever compare to you loving him!

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

i think it's very rare he does actually get jealous. he's just so so confident in your relationship and he knows full well (because he's seen it before) that you'll tell someone that's flirting with you that you're not interested because you have a boyfriend.

but when he does!! he needs a very good reason to and he will literally march over, slide his hand round your throat and pull you in for the most dizzying kiss before pulling away, smiling and whoever is trying it on with you and walking off

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

kissing you is his favourite thing in the world !

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

so so cute. he wants a baby with you in the future so he's always trying to show off to you about how good he is around kiss.

like you're babysitting your niece and he's just being the best around her and going all "maybe we should have one?"

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

he's normally off to training super early so lazy sundays are literally his favourite days ever. just waking up late and smothering your face with kisses to wake you up (and ofc that leads to the softest slowest sex ever) then just making breakfast before going out on a little walk and coming home to watch movies and nap on the sofa !!

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

nights are when you get to spend the most time together so you both take advantage of that. cooking dinner together and cleaning up together before showering together. then you're forcing levi to do a whole skincare routine (that he secretly adores) and cuddling in bed!

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

in my head he opened up to you completely after a really bad game. like you'd been together for a few months so he was still keeping himself super closed off. but he had a really bad game (maybe even had a little injury) and all you did was smile and ask him if he was okay and he just broke down about how tired he was. it's that first time he was ever completely vulnerable around you and he knew you were the perfect person for him the way that you reacted.

then i think after that and just further into you're relationship he's really good at communicating and it's rare that you have an argument.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

his patience on and off the pitch are so so different. when he's with you he is literally so so calm. you're literally perfection in levi's eyes and there's nothing you could do to change that.

but when he does get angry he tries his best not to take it out on you, and if he does he'll leave you for a little bit to calm himself down before wrapping himself around you and mumbling little sorrys in between kisses

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

he remembers absolutely everything about you idc. literally every little detail about you.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

anytime you go to his games he gets so giddy. the first time you went he was so so happy and was the biggest show off ever

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

so so protective! you're his girl and no one is ever allowed to hurt you!

he adores your protective streak and he can't help but get so giddy when he sees how angry you get at fans for criticising him.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

always always goes above and beyond. honestly he will always make sure you have the best because you're his girl and that's exactly what you deserve!!

dates and anniversaries are literally perfect because he can read you like a book and he knows the way to your heart!

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

i feel like he always puts your needs above his? he could have had the worst game of his life and be so so miserable but he refuses to actually put those needs above yours? he's good at communicating when it comes to things that bother him but he is awful at communicating his feelings.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

he always makes sure he looks his best for you!

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

absolutely. you are literally his whole world.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

he loves wearing matching outfits ! they're super subtle but you're always matching

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

i don't think he'd be interested in someone that's super vain? he'd rather date someone that's super down to earth and knows that there's way more to life than money and looks.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

he loves naps! always dragging you to the sofa under a huge pile of blankets so you can have a nap together

[littlemissmanga]

The Bad Batch Finale - Thoughts and Thanks

Before I get into spoiler territory, I want to say the most sincere "thank you" I've ever mustered to this fandom.

I've been in fan spaces before, going back almost 15 years - most of that on Tumblr, to boot. I've been in inactive fandoms, small fandoms, big fandoms and "we're watching new episodes together in real time" fandoms ...

And none of them have ever given this sense of community and support. Ever.

There really is something special about The Clone Wars/Bad Batch fans, even within the Prequel lovers or Star Wars fans in general that breeds this kind of sentiment. It's truly unique and I found it at a time in my life when I was the most isolated physically from my support network and struggling to make new friends and connections IRL.

I cannot express in words just how much you all saved me with your validation and support.

The Shades of Blue series was the first fanfic I actually felt comfortable leaving a comment for on Tumblr, and the amazing @the-rain-on-kamino's kind and loving reaction gave me the courage to start writing fanfiction again. Not only that, but actually sharing it for the first time in years.

And after that, everyone else came in one at a time. From @deejadabbles and @sev-on-kamino's delightful, rabid and enabling reactions to my unhinged thots, to @wings-and-beskar supporting my unhealthy Wrecker obsession, to @l-lend being an absolute example of how to engage and interact in fan spaces to make room for everyone, to @wild-karrde, our bastion of supportive engagement and creative celebration (and a kickass writer in her own right) ... you all helped me come out of my shell in ways I can't express in words besides thank you.

@dystopicjumpsuit, @freesia-writes. @anxiouspineapple99, @dickarchivist, @wizardofrozz @523rdrebel

@starrylothcat @starqueensthings @the-bad-batch-baroness @multi-fan-dom-madnessand @moonlightwarriorqueen

You all have listened to my rambles, thoughts, and vent sessions - whether about fandom stuff or not - and I hope I've been able to return a fraction of that support.

@daimyosprincess, girl you get a whole special shoutout for the levels of depravity you encourage my thots to get to :D

And there are so many more!! People I may not talk to frequently (cause sending DMs gives me anxiety), but I see you commenting, liking, reblogging when I post and posting your own amazing writing or art for me to moon over.

@cyarbika, @madameminor, @spacemagicandlaserswords @merkitty49 @vodika-vibes

@kimiheartblade @nika6q @arcsimper5

@soaringthroughthegalaxy @sunshinesdaydream @sinfulsalutations and so so many more.

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

I'll still be around simping after our favorite clones. I hope you'll keep joining me.

Now, on to the spoilers!

I have to say overall, I like this conclusion. It's the happy ending we wanted, but if feels earned. I love that the boys got to grow old in peace with Omega. I love that their dedication to one another is reaffirmed and upheld as the strength it is, rather than - as Hemlock saw it - a weakness to exploit. And I loved that last little scene. It felt like a fanfic and I say that lovingly. It felt like the writers and animators put together the fic we all know would have happened if they left the ending on that fadeout of the Batch next to the tree on Pabu. And that felt like a kiss on the forehead as a fan.

Now here's what I didn't like.

I didn't like that they clearly rushed the end. Pacing wise, there were so many moments that were slowed down so you can feel the emotional impact ... but the editing of the scenes around them made this slower pace a mistake to me.

Like when Echo and Omega are sending Emerie and the kids away ... they all hug and take time to talk about their plan. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TIME. We know Hemlock has the others. We know Tarkin is on his way. YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SCENE TO HAPPEN HERE and Echo of all people would be on that, moving everyone along as he is trained to do. It feels artificial because we go from high intensity and fast paced to slow and dragging when nothing from the fast paced scene had been resolved. I think this could have been different if the scene with the kids in the hanger came before the Batch gets in to the hanger and knocked out. It would be a break from the fast pace of the Zillo escape, but without the immediate urgency of a rescue weighing over them (and us! I was having heart palpitations!). It also would then match the tone and sentiment of the scene between Hunter, Wrecker and Crosshair in the woods ("Omega needs all of us.").

These pacing issues are editing issues, and I think we're really seeing how post-production was truncated to get this out on time (or possible pre-production and storyboarding was truncated). I hate that production studios are making this practice more common to cut costs. We will wait longer for better quality storytelling.

My final example of this is Crosshair's story resolution. It doesn't happen. He still thinks he deserves to die on Tantiss (the sentiment from S3 Ep1) and even though Hunter and Wrecker tell him otherwise, we don't know if he internalizes that. And his climax is about trusting Omega to know what to do to take the shot. But Crosshair has (in this season) shown he always trusts Omega. It would have been better if his hand was still shaking and Hunter said "Omega trusts you. You'll make this shot." so that the external conflict for Crosshair is resolved by resolving his internal conflict and trusting himself as his family does. And it would leave Hunter's climax the same - trusting Omega as an competent member of the team.

It just feels rushed. Or like an abstract painting that almost looks like a real object, but just a little blurry. They almost stuck a perfect landing, but just missed the mark a bit.

I also hate how this means Wrecker gets fuck all resolution. The entire last episode was a really intriguing challenge for him. He knows Cross is off his game and Hunter is getting desperate and reckless again ... just as he is almost entirely knocked out of the fight from an injury. Him, the strong one. That should have been a great moment of growth for him. That he doesn't keep going because he always can -- which is very much how he comes across in TCW S7 and TBB S1 -- but that he actively makes himself the strong one, the supportive one, because that's what his family needs.

But no, we didn't get that. We didn't get any insight into Wrecker at all, despite him being the one to free his brothers enough for them to save Omega (and he saved Echo, too!). And then he doesn't speak again, though we see how banged up he is. I get it was less of a focus throughout the series, but man they didn't need to sideline my husband like that.

And finally, Tech.

Look, I may be delulu, but contextually, there was plenty of evidence that CX-2 was Tech. From speech and mannerisms to his blatant disregard for orders, to the seemingly personal level he took his missions.

But it's more than that - why show us this big tense moment of him breaking onto Phee's ship, which the focus being on Phee sensing him near? Why not just have that in the dialog with Hemlock the way Cid's confession was? That would have saved so much time that could have been put elsewhere. Why have such a focus on him in the marketing?

I'm not mad that Tech is dead. Let me make that clear. The showrunners said from the start they killed Tech to prove there are real, lasting consequences to characters' decisions. And I can respect that. And I can understand and appreciate the interpretation that CX-2 wasn't meant to rep Tech, but rather what the Empire can turn clones into, a threat to them all not just in the danger CX-2 poses, but the danger if they get caught.

And that's fair ... but then it could (and should have) been any and every CX trooper to fit that bill. There was no need to waste time and attention on one in particular.

And to be, that also ignores the clear wall of contextual and subtextual evidence that a reveal was planned. The posters are a great example.

Here is the Batch in the final poster:

And here is CX-2

He's standing at Crosshair's right, just out of frame. The lighting matches and he's even looking up to the right just like the rest of his brothers. The line of light cutting his left side even matches the one cutting above Crosshair's right side.

All the other posters showing Bad Batch adversaries has them lit more darkly or in shadow and has unique posing and positioning that do not reflect our heroes.

Why are we styling a brainwashed clone like one of the Batchers artistically? That's a weird choice.

I think the some big wigs wanted him back and others didn't want to water down the impact of his death and we're seeing that confusion and conflict on screen, when we really shouldn't. IDK if Disney was pushing it or the showrunners but either way, going halfsies and changing your mind (and impacting the resolutions we got because of it) is not a good look, especially from a studio like Disney/Lucasfilm. I'm not blaming Dave or Jen wholly, but we the audience should never be able to see the writer's room when we watch, and that's all I was able to see with this.

(My own husband was like "we are supposed to think that's Tech, right?" and he's not really a Bad Batch fan, he just indulges me.)

Alright, that's all I got. I'm happy with how my comfort show ended, I'll write fanfic to cover the pieces I don't agree with personally, and I'll remain ever grateful and supportive of the community who gave me this most precious gift.

I love you all.

And may the force be with you.

[saturnbellfromhell]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS IV

Hello! Welcome back to some obersvations for the month of May! I've been super inspired since I've started working in a new firm and got to meet many new colleges. So I hope you enjoy the content and always feel free to comment your opinions and observations!

〰️ DISCLAIMLER

These are my personal, subjective views on some placements and signs. If you disagree, feel free to discuss it down below and not take everything personally.

With that being said, let's get started!

💧PISCES SUN/RISING

These people just sniff out each other the second they lock eyes with one another. It's this familiar family they all crave to feel and it's finally in front of their face. They feel at peace and at home with other Pisces dominant people. They have these glossy eyes filled with mystery and warmth. Every Pisces Sun/Rising/Dominant person I've met has some sort of artistic talent, that being: painting, drawing, sculpting, writing, play any instrument..etc. They are so in tune with the details of life others strive to see. I also think they can be such big day dreamers, introverts and tragically lovley people.

💧MOON IN AQUARIUS

This placement can seem very distant, raw and viewed as a lonely wolf but on the contrary it's a whole different story. Aquarius rules the 11th house, which is the house of community, society, shortly speaking friendships. So having a Moon in this sign really means having a collective feeling with others and wanting to socialize. On the other hand Aqarius is ruled by Saturn, a cold and restrictive planet of time, so Aquariuans don't want to rush things nor spend their time on irrelevant people. By doing so they can seem to cut people off quickly and start over or to overly bond with someone and become obsessed, since putting so much effort and love into them. They want to be seem as rigid and cold to mask their openness and emotional demeanor. When they get hurt they shut off, write it off and try to ignore it, even though deep inside it hurts for a very long time, but they just try as hard as they can to forget.

💧CHIRON IN SCORPIO

Chiron, the healing healer. Cursed with a wound never to be patched up again, but at the same time giving the knowledge to others how to continue with their wounds. Scorpio Chirons are constitley shamed for their sexual energy surrounding them, so most of the time they cover up and try to hide underneath it. They attract a lot of perverted minds to the table by just breathing. This can also indicate a very empathetic and intuitive person who feels absolutely every thing and can/wants to help others, but by doing so breaks themself down a lot of the time. They also have strong trust issues, may abuse their power, can have low self estem, can be frightful and nervous people. When they open up their heart more and let go is when the healing truly happens. They are more wise than they think, but they cannot see it always threw the anxious attitude and self sabotaging persona.

💧 5TH HOUSE IN CANCER

They attract and love water signs. They crave deep connections, star gazing, physical touch, nurturing their partner, tender, sweet and innocent love. These people like to pit their partner on a pedestal and become a little obsessed with them. They want them to be the center of their universe and also want that in return. Cancer is also symbolically connected to the Mother archetype, the womb, birth...etc, having Cancer in the 5th house of romance and relationships means these people really have that motherly instinct and adore when their partner is family oriented of hands on with kids. They love rainy days filled with the smell of baked goods in the arms of their loved one. They want a Romeo and Juliet kind of love.

💧SAGITTARIUS MOON

Now I've grown up with two Sag Moons in my house hold, one being my brother and the other being my father and they are so alike it's hilarious. I've also had 2 very close friends with this placement and again the similarities are off the rails. Firstly they need to always be on the run, optionally having a job which includes a lot of travel or just changing jobs in different places. Secondly, they are so angry when things don't go their way, but they do cool down quite quickly, the most out of the 3 fire Moons. They are also so good in finding solutions with different people and I different situations. They also love to have many hobbies, are known to be book worms and can flow with any conversation quite well. They are also huge extroverts and the goofy bunch. This doesn't apply that much if the native has a lot of 8th house placements, Pluto aspects with personal planets or a 12th house Moon/Sun/Stellium.

💧AIR DOMINAT PEOPLE

It's really hard for Air dominant people to relate to others. They are just overly detached and see everything threw a realist prism. It can be a little annoying to be honest, especially for fire and water signs, who are just passionate and act a lot how they feel.

💧GEMINI VENUS

Here's me again, bashing on Gemini Venuses...but I just can't help it. The Venus sign that I meet and attract the most. From all the people that remarried, had a lot of partners, Venus in Gemini takes the cake. But what I do respect about them is they will not stay in something they're unhappy with for a long time, they have very high standards and will not dumb them down for anyone. They will always find something better and more exiting and that's why they are known to "change" partners and be "promiscuous". Yep, many are jealous of them at the end of the day aswell.

💧LIBRA RISING

I've never met a Libra rising that doesn't have q nice behind! I know that sounds kinda creepy, but it's true. Since Libra rules the lower back, they all have a more rounder rear. The also have amazing skin most of the time. A very plump and glowy face.

💧NEPTUNE IN THE 12TH HOUSE

This can indicate a very cloudy person. They can be very inactive and procrastinate a lot, but at the same time be highly intelligent and artsy people. I mean Neptune does feel at home in the 12 house, so in my opinion if you're going to have any planet in this house, Neptune it is.

💧MALES WITH VENUS IN THE 1ST HOUSE

Now, I know it's such a strange placement to bash since this is a very fond placement to me and close to my heart. But I've noticed a lot of men having this placement can be confused with this feminine energy in their chart. They are very beautiful, don't get me wrong, but when this placement is mixed with a water sun/moon and a fire Mars it's a death penalty. They know they're  beautiful and girls get caught up in that trap of emotional intelligence and an attractive face. They also can be a little shallow. I've seen many guys leave the girl they have the most in common with for just a pretty face so they can show her off as a trophy and then go after the other, but still message and crave the one they truly felt something.

💧TAURUS VENUS IN MALES

The thing that gets them the most if a fruity and playful perfume, long bouncy hair and back scratches...trust me.

💧SUN SQUARE JUPITER

A lot goes on in a day of a person who has this aspect. In one corner ypu want to achieve everything and anything, work your ass of and show your strong ego. In the other corner you are so sick of being the more responsible person and want to just run away. They also have an intense feeling about failure. They should lean from it, not run away.

[ellzilla]

An extreme warning for everyone in the Creepypasta community, especially the Creeps Comic sub-community

This is a post 6 years too late, but I've finally gained the courage to speak up. Trigger Warning for: Pedophillia, child grooming, suicide and beastiality There are two manipulative pedophiles in the creepypasta community that go by the name Kori [Konpeito-Starfox on tumblr, korgifemboi on discord] and Michael [kitsuneaniki on discord] who have: Dated a minor, have been sexual in the presence of minors, exposed minors to hardcore pornography and have drawn pornography FOR minors. When I was 15 back in 2018, I was invited to a creepypasta discord after I was found because of my Old LJ ask blog. I remember Kori and Michael [Trixi at the time] were 21 and 24-25 and were 'tame' at first, but they slowly became more and more sexual as months went by. A few raunchy jokes turned into full on porn posting. They talked about sexual situations with Creeps characters with two 16 year olds and a 17 year old. I felt uncomfortable with it, but I couldn't get why. This next part may be worded poorly, as it's extremely emotionally hard on me to bring up the memories, but I'll try my best and will be the most coherent I can make it. As a dumbass 15 year old, I didn't get the difference between being gay and being sexual due to the homophobic town and family I've grown up around I had never been told otherwise, so I thought it was fine, that lgbt people in their 20's being highly sexual around and directly to lgbt teenagers was fine! Everyone was happy! And me bringing up the uncomfortableness was just me brining everyone down! But then Kori and Michael made porn for a 16 year old's oc having sex with their sonas. And something in me finally shouted "Something is wrong." I didn't know how to word it, but I approached my family [good!] and said "My friends are being a little too gay, what should I say?" [bad!!!] and so I was told "tell them to stop that." And so, in I said "can you stop being gay?" in an attempt to say "hey stop being sexual" [I know, I know, point and laugh at 15 year old me for being confused] and obviously got kicked out for that. There was shit said by them that made me want to commit suicide [thought I must stress they never directly told me to kms] And then got death and rape threats that MIGHT have been from them on my old LJ ask blog after that, but that's a side note. In the same year, the 16 year old who was given porn of their oc, [who I will refer to as Victim 1 and censored in black] started dating Kori and Michael. Note: Victim's 1's birthday is in October and this screenshot is from September

It is of note that Kori and Michael are extremely manipulative and hav convinced Victim 1, that it's better to lie to me and tried to say they were 17 when they started dating, despite me knowing their age and not correcting another [I will refer to as Victim 2 and censored in red] mentioned it in a conversation. There are two other victims who I will also censor the names of.

Below is a continuation of this conversation to show that Kori and Michael have convinced Victim 1 that them showing porn to minors is okay.

I also showed Victim 1 that what Kori and Michael did is VERY ILLEGAL, let alone immoral, but was brushed off. Granted, I should have showed him more but I was rushing to the hospital because of my heart issues and was not thinking straight due to the stress.

Michael has also been proven to quite literally speak for Victim 1 as well. [The sibling comment was because they thought Victim 2's [trans] sister was Victim 2 referring to me]

This is the end of the post, and I hope this is enough to show how much of a threat Kori and Michael are to minors, but I physically cannot show the mountain pile of trauma without putting myself in a medical emergency. There is far more receipts of Kori and Michael's emotional manipulation, but again, if this post went on for too much longer I could end up in the hospital because of them and I don't want it to be a fourth time. If you or someone you know are friends with Kori and Michael, please distance yourself from these pedophiles and show your friend this post. If I could, I would personally report them to the police, however they are in America and I am in Australia with no knowledge of how to report across-seas. If you can, please report them to the proper authorities, although I do not know if they can get into legal trouble for what they did to us years ago, it will stop any on-going child grooming. Please note, I will not be mentioning this or replying to anyone specifically IN MY INBOX until AFTER I recover from making this post. Do not send me anon messages if you're going to tell me something private, instead, message me. If you have a public issue with this post, say it with your chest and off anon. Before this hell is through, I have three more screenshots to share. One of Victim 2 being shown drawn Beastiality while they were still a minor [I have been informed Victim 2 was still 16], one of Kori [with a pfp of LJ having sex with Will in a server full of minors] mocking me while I was still 16 and against them being sexual [and mocking me for my LJ design and having a non-sexual lizard hyperfix], and a miscellaneous message of Michael admitting he likes dog genitalia and mocking me for not liking porn but being fine with gore. WHILE I WAS STILL A MINOR. I will put them under the cut as two of them are censored but still visual images of nsfw. IF YOU ARE A MINOR, DO NOT CONTINUE THE POST AND PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE.

Grown ass adults talking to and about children...

[mylostloversbookmarks]

thank you!! My request is: Joel x female reader. Age gap. They met after Joel and Ellie arrived in Jackson, they started to know each other, at first they kept it a bit like a secret but then, when things started to get more serious, they didn’t hide anymore. Things got so serious that after a while (not immediately, like a year or two) Joel asked reader to move in with him and Ellie.

Ellie loves reader and she’s more than happy that Joel found his special someone. Could you add a scene where reader is with Ellie one afternoon and they see Joel with a woman, acting really intimate, which connects to reader’s thoughts about Joel being a bit weird the previous days. She thinks he’s cheating on her, also because the woman is really close and intimate to Joel in that situation.

She wants to leave before he sees her but Joel notices her presence, tries to talk to her but doesn’t deny the accusations at first, (so a lot of angst!!!) which makes reader think she lost the love of her life.

They don’t talk for a few days and try to ignore each other when possible, despite living together. Ellie is sad and suffers from this situation. Joel loves reader too much to ruin things so he puts his pride aside and tries talking to her. They eventually talk it through, he was not cheating (choose whatever the alternative to that is!!) maybe a little fluff at the end or also something else? You choose!

also, if you have any rules or have triggers about something that I requested please let me know and change the story how you need to.

And I’m extremely sorry if this request is too long and detailed.

thank you!!!

Guiding Lights - a Joel Miller one shot.

Characters - Joel Miller x Reader

Word Count - 8.7K

Warnings/Tags - 18+ only Minors dni. Typical canon language, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, Alcohol consumption, , Sus!Joel, Soft!Joel, insecurities, suspected cheating, no actual cheating, I think thats all?

A/N - @addictedtotlou This is my first ever fic request and I cannot thank you enough for sending it through, and also for dropping into my inbox to let me know it was you that requested it! I'm sorry it took so long but I hope you enjoy <3

Feedback, Reblogs and comments are always appreciated!

You often find yourself reminiscing on the day you met Joel and Ellie, it feels like forever ago now, though it has only really been a few years.

The winters in Wyoming were never kind, but that year, Mother Nature had been particularly cruel. Strong winds and vicious snow blizzards reduced visibility to almost nothing. You had heard those posted to the lookout stations talking over lunches and complaining about how bad the conditions were getting.

So in a bid to keep the good folks of Jackson safe, Tommy and Maria decided to double the number of patrols around the commune in an attempt to keep an eye on the horizon for any potential threats who could be hiding just beyond their sights.

Needless to say, it had been a rather slow work day in the Tipsy Bison, with the usual counting and re-counting of stock, checking on the latest brew of beers and whisky, ensuring everything was going as planned, and cleaning of the already immaculate bar, all finished in record time.

Expecting the usual after-work rush that never came, you sent the other two bar staff over to the mess hall to see if the kitchen needed any help with preparations for tomorrow's meals.

As the two said their goodbyes over their shoulders, you heard one of them mumble a shocked "What the hell?"

With your interest piqued, you stepped out from behind the old wooden bar and crossed the floor to the large square windows at the front of the building. Your eyes followed their gaze and watched as the afternoon patrol crew filed through the large wooden and steel-clad gates of the commune.

You waved as a few of your regulars passed you, a few tipping the brims of their ten-gallon hats. You quickly realised what had drawn your colleagues' attention when your eyes landed on two new faces in the middle of the crew.

The first newcomer was a man; he wore a thick brown winter coat and jeans that looked like they could stand up on their own, and you could see the toe of his work boot was mended with what looked to be duck tape. His eyes were sharp and focused, darting around him as if in search of someone or something.

Instantly, he gave you the impression of someone who had been on the road for quite some time. Having been there yourself, you felt a surge of sympathy for him, but you were still wary of him, not knowing why he had been brought inside the walls.

The second was a girl, whom you assumed to be the man's daughter; she was small and looked to be in her early teens. Strands of her tawny brown hair peek out from under her winter hat. big, bright eyes, taking in her surroundings in wonder, while the man stared straight ahead. The girl seemed to be unaware that all eyes were on her, from those who stood on the street to others standing in shop windows, just as you were.

You followed the other barstaff out to the porch and offered the girl a small smile as your eyes met, she quickly looked away without returning it. It wasn't often that Jackson took in new people, opting to keep off the radar to try and protect what you had here. Maria was on this afternoon's patrol and had no doubt made the call to bring the two into the commune.

As the crew passed, heading further into the small town, you saw the man's head snap to the left, and he opened his mouth.

"Tommy!" he shouted, his deep, booming voice ringing in the silence. In an instant, he was off his horse and running in the direction of the scaffolding that had been put up to repair some of the damage to a neighbouring building.

You watched on in stunned silence as the two men ran towards each other, unsure of what the newcomers intentions were, but before you had made it down the two steps of the porch, the man wrapped his arms around Tommy and began laughing, disbelief colouring the sound.

The two men stood embracing each other, both breathless from laughter, and you knew immediately who the newcomer was. This was Joel, Tommy's brother.

Tommy had spoken of him before; usually after one too many whiskies at the bar, he would open up to you about how guilty he felt about staying off the radio. He would say things like, "It's only a matter of time before he comes looking for me, Y/N; what am I supposed to do? Turn him away?" and "One thing about my big bother is that he's persistent."

You had always offered words of understanding and comfort and almost always cut him off and sent him home after those conversations, knowing that no good could come from him drinking any more alcohol.

Part of being the town's main bar tender was also being a listening ear whenever someone needed it, but with Tommy, it was different. He and Maria had become your closest friends, and you would always be there when either of them needed you, working or not.

You always got the sense that something had happened between the two men that couldn't be fixed. As you watched the brothers reunite, you realised that the thought couldn't be further from the truth.

Maria caught your eye as she dismounted from her horse and jerked her head to the side, beseeching you to join her. You nodded at her and crossed the road to where she was standing, hitching her horse to one of the many posts dotted around town.

"Maria, is that who I think it is?" You asked her quietly, not wanting to draw attention to the conversation.

"Yeah, it is," she spat. "I don't know how the hell he found us out here." She continued, venom dripping from each word.

You knew that Maria had never actually met Joel, but from the stories Tommy had told you both in the early years, she knew what he was capable of and decided then and there that she did not like him. You, on the other hand, had a more objective outlook on things.

You were not involved in the same way Maria was, of course; she and Tommy were married after all, so you could understand her reservations when he opened up about his past with his brother and the things they had done and what they thought they needed to do to survive.

The problem was, Maria had been in Jackson longer than you and Tommy and therefore had less of an idea what a brutal hellscape it was outside the walls. Maria wasn't stupid; she knew that it was dangerous, but it had been so long since she had to live like that, to really be surviving, not trusting anyone you met along the way, not knowing where your next meal was coming from, or if you were going to make it to worry about the next meal.

You, on the other hand, had lived that life for longer than you would like to remember, and though you didn't have innocent blood on your hands, they were far from clean. So you could sympathise with Tommy and the demons that clearly kept him up at night. So you felt the hatred that Maria has for Joel was a little unfounded.

"I'm happy he found him again," you admitted, unable to help the undercurrent meant by your works. What you really wanted to say was "This should have happened a long time ago if you had let him respond to Joel's calls on the radio" Meeting her narrowed eyes, you saw a flash of anger in them. No doubt you will get an earful for that comment later.

You knew what she was going to say: that Joel wasn't going to fit in here in Jackson, that Tommy was better off without him, and that you should keep a safe distance from him. But she didn't have the opportunity, as Tommy was already walking towards the two of you.

Joel had walked back to where the girl waited on her horse; a worried, almost disappointed expression crossed her face as he gestured towards Tommy. You watched as he gently helped her down from the animal, making sure she was steady on her feet before the pair followed behind Tommy.

"Y/N, Maria, ah… this is my big brother, Joel," Tommy announced, his tone a mixture of pride and nervousness.

"Hey, it's good to finally meet you; I've heard a lot about you." You smiled kindly at him; he nodded once in response, his expression guarded.

"I'm Ellie! It's nice to meet you," the girl chirps cheerily before shoving her elbow into Joel's ribs. "Joel, say hello," she all but hissed at him, which makes you chuckle.

"It's lovely to meet you, Ellie." You beam.

"It's, uh, good to meet you," he managed quietly.

Two years later...

A loud knock at your front door startles you. Your hand flies to your heart as you curse under your breath. Who the hell would be calling on you at this hour of the morning?

You pad down the hallway and open the door to find Joel standing there, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He seemed keyed up, and your heart drops to your stomach; something must have happened.

"Hey, is everything okay? Did something happen? Is Ellie alright?" You squeaked at him, the panic rising in your chest causing your voice to go up an octave.

"Yes, darlin, everything's fine, Ellie's good; don't worry; I just need to talk to you about something, that's all," he assured you in his thick Texas drawl.

"Everything's good… but you need to talk to me about something at 6 a.m." You questioned him dubiously, arching an eyebrow at him.

"I promise everything is fine; I have morning patrol and was hoping I could catch you before I head out," Joel explains, the ghost of a smile playing on his plump lips.

"Ah, okay, that makes sense, sorry; c'mon, handsome." You laugh as you open the door for him to enter and close it after him.

He follows you down the hall into the small kitchen, lingering in the doorway and studying you. You can feel his eyes roaming your figure as you pour him a cup of coffee. Strong, black, no sugar—just the way he likes it.

Turning with the mug in your hand, you let out a breathy laugh at the sight of him. He looked wired, far too awake for this hour of the morning. Was he sweating?

"Joel, baby, are you alright?" You ask curiously as you hand him his coffee and take your usual seat at the end of the dining table.

"Yeah, I just…I wanna ask you something but I don't know how" he confessed sheepishly, his large hand coming to scratch nervously at the back of his neck.

"I'd like to think you know me well enough by now to know you can ask me anything." You said it with a smile, hoping to calm whatever was causing his nerves.

"Yeah, no, I know, I just don't want to freak you out; there's no pressure, and I understa-"

"Just spit it out, Joel." You interrupt him. In the two years you had been with Joel, you had never seen him struggle for words with you, and it was making you anxious.

"Okay," he huffs out, pulling the dining room chair out so he could sit facing you. He takes a long drink of coffee before continuing, and the suspense is killing you.

"So I was speaking to Ellie, and you know we both love you; hell, sometimes I think she likes you more than she likes me!" He chuckles fondly: "Look, we've been seeing each other for a while, and now that everyone knows, I think it would be good, you know, f-for Ellie if she had a…I dunno, like a mother figure on a more permanent basis." The words were falling out of his mouth like an avalanche. He desperately hoped he was making sense, but you still weren't understanding.

"Permenant basis? What do you mean?" You ask, confusion clear on your face, making him laugh again.

"Yeah, like on an everyday basis," he enphasises. Urging you to grasp the meaning of his words.

"Okay, um, I mean, yeah, I think that's a great idea. I love that kid. I will tell her about making an effort to hang out every day." You promise him sincerely and are touched that he thinks of you as a mother figure to his daughter.

"That's not really what I was thinking, baby; I mean, on a permanent basis, like you would live in the same house." He husks softly, his eyes searching your face for your reaction, and his heart sinks to his boots as he watches your brows knit together.

"Did you have another fight?" You ask him, reaching your hand up to stroke the side of his face, your thumb lingering on the heart-shaped patch of his beard where the hair refused to grow. "Ellie's always more than welcome to stay here when she likes, but Joel, I don't think her moving in here is the answer."

He takes your hand from his face and holds it between both of his; he huffs all the air from his lungs and slowly takes another deep breath. Straightening in his chair, he locks eyes with you.

"I knew this would be an easy ask, but I didn't imagine you making it this hard on me," he says exasperatedly, huffing out another loud laugh.

"I don't understand." Confusion layers your tone, and you are sure your face is doing the same.

"I'm not asking if Ellie can move in with you; I'm asking if… if you would like to move in with us Y/N" He admits. His brown eyes are soft and lingering on your face, and his thumb is tracing small circles on your wrist.

This was not the conversation you were expecting to have over your morning coffee; your brain was barely functioning, and your mind started to race. The last two years of your life, with Joel and Ellie passing by before you in a blur of colours and memories.

You had sympathised with Joel's struggles to adjust to life in Jackson, and given that you worked in the only bar in town, he quickly became a familiar face. You ignored Maria's warnings to stay away from him; after all, she didn't know him from Adam, and you felt it was unfair to judge someone on the things they had done as the world fell apart overnight.

So, slowly but surely, you found yourself at work, hoping each night that he would stop in so you could get to know him better, and he always did. Always opting to sit at the bar, despite there being plenty of more comfortable booths to sit at.

At first, it was always you who initiated the conversation, asking him how his day was, how the patrol had gone, and how Ellie was fitting in, and you listened tentatively to what little information he would give you. Until eventually, after a couple of months of the same routine, he started to open up to you.

He would ask you how you were, how your shift had been, if you had a good day off, and on occasion he would let slip that he "missed you yesterday" when he called in for a drink on his way home from patrol, only to be disappointed that you were nowhere to be found.

It made you giddy; he was on your mind constantly; it made you feel like there was a swarm of butterflies in your belly, but you thought it was only harmless flirting as there was a considerable age gap between you both, with Joel being in his fifties and you in your early thirties, you didn't think Joel would be interested in a relationship with you.

But how wrong you were! After a couple of weeks of late-night drinks after the bar had officially closed, Joel had bitten the bullet and asked you out, though he asked if you wouldn't mind keeping it between the two of you as he didn't know how Ellie would react to him seeing someone and you gladly accepted.

You understood that Ellie was and always would be his first priority, and you admired his unwavering dedication to her, especially after finding out that Ellie wasn't his blood relative; he had taken her on as "cargo," as he affectionately put it. As a way to get one step closer to finding his brother, but she had worked her way under his skin, much like she did with everyone she met. It was so difficult not to like her. With her quick wit and foul mouth, she never failed to make you laugh. She was definitely his daughter, blood or no blood.

The thought of Ellie brings your mind back to the question at hand: should you move in with them? Was now the right time? Was Ellie even okay about this? Did she even know Joel had asked you? Each question raced through your mind until your mouth found one it could form words around.

"What does Ellie think of this?" You asked Joel intently, reading his face for any signs of worry or panic at your question, but there were none to be found.

"I mentioned to Ellie a few months ago that I thought it would be nice if you were around all the time, and she agreed, and then I sat her down yesterday and told her that I was thinking of asking you today, and she was all for it. I don't want you to feel pressured in any way, though; it's okay if it's too soon; you can say no, and we won't be offended in the slightest!" Joel assures you, his voice is low and genuine.

He lifts his right hand to the side of your face and gently brushes the hair out of your eyes, his calloused thumb stroking back and forth as you lean into his touch, allowing your eyes to fall closed. Taking a deep breath, you throw caution to the wind.

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath, your voice drops to a whisper. "Yes, I'll move in."

Suddenly your body was moving, and not by its own volition; your eyes were still closed, so your brain was having trouble registering what was happening. When your eyes flashed open in surprise, you were caught up in Joel's arms, spinning around your small kitchen with your feet no longer planted on the floor.

"Joel!" You squeal through breathy laughter, placing your hands on his broad shoulders to steady yourself.

"Are you sure, baby?" He asks, his eyes sparkling with delight.

"Yes, I'm sure handsome, but I have one condition!" You warn him, arching a fluffy brow.

"Name your price, sweetheart," he smirks at you through the whiskers of his full moustache.

"I get to tell Ellie," You beam back at him, your hand rests on the back of his neck, fingers scractching lightly at the curls that have formed there.

"I think she'd like that," he ghosts against your lips, lightly brushing his nose against your own until you lean up and crush your mouth to his.

Three years later...

It has been a hectic few weeks for the community in Jackson, working through yet another savage winter. You were just through the middle of it, and the end was in sight. The snow storms were not as frequent and the winds were not as wild.

Work has been keeping you busy. You are still the main bartender at the Tipsy Bison, but much to Joel's dismay, you have also picked up a few patrol shifts to lend a hand to Tommy as a few of the older patrol crew stepped back into other work duties due to ill health.

It has felt like months since you and Joel have spent any quality time together, despite living in the same house and working in the same community. Whenever you were both home, he seemed distant and preoccupied, as if there was somewhere else he wanted to be. You tried to engage him in conversation, but he would only give you short answers before retreating into his own thoughts.

At first, you thought that he might just be stressed out from work duty or the weather, as bad as it has been, but as the days turned into weeks, you started to feel a growing sense of unease. You have never seen Joel act this way before, not with you at least, and you don't know what to do.

You miss his closeness; the late-night conversations at the bar while you finished up your shift—all of that has stopped, and no matter how many hours you spent trying to figure out why, you always came up blank.

So needless to say, you were looking forward to spending some quality time with Ellie this evening to help take your mind off your worries. You had stood under the shower for longer than you intended, just enjoying how the steaming water rolled down your tense frame.

With a sigh, you shut off the water and wrapped yourself in your towel, headed into your bedroom to get dressed, and you couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude that the house had heating, an especially rare commodity with the world's current condition. Jackson really was a paradise of sorts.

"Ellie! C'mon kiddo, we're going to be late for the movie!," You shout from the bottom of the stairs, shrugging into your winter jacket.

Movie night Fridays have quickly become a tradition for you and Ellie, especially now that the winter has rolled back around and it's too cold to spend much time outdoors.

"Alright, I'm coming; Jesus, keep your hair on!" Ellie mutters as she makes her way down the stairs, where you wait for her.

"We only have 20 minutes before the film starts, and I know you're going to want to get snacks, so we've got to make tracks." You laugh as she rolls her eyes at you.

"Alright Mom," she mocks, sarcasm dripping from each word.

"You're such a little shit, you know that, right?" You tell her fondly with a warm smile.

"I know, it's all part of my charm," she grins.

"Ah, I see, and does Dina know all about your charm?" You playfully jab her ribs with your elbow, wagging your brows up and down.

"Ugh, you're so annoying; you know that, right?" Ellie counters, always so quick-witted.

"I know, it's all part of my charm," You repeat her words back to her, earning another eye roll.

The two of you leave the house and trudge out into the snow; thankfully, the blizzard has calmed, and now fat, fluffy flakes of snow flurry around you like something from a movie scene.

As brutal as they can be, you have never seen anything more beautiful than Jackson in the winter. It was like something you would see on a postcard of a ski village in the French Alps, all timber buildings and string lights illuminating the small town.

On Friday nights, the mess hall was turned into a makeshift movie theatre for the youth that lived in the commune, offering them some respite from the grind of daily life. It was complete with candy, drinks, and, of course, pop corn.

At first, Ellie hadn't seemed all that interested in going, not knowing many kids her age, but after a lot of coaxing and the promise that if she didn't like it, she didn't have to go again or even stay for the full movie, Though she quickly found her feet with Dina, the rest was really history.

"Where's Joel tonight? I thought he was going to come with us." Ellie asked curiously.

"Oh shit, I meant to tell you earlier; he said Tommy asked him to cover the evening patrol tonight, so he can't make it." You explained, not really sure why Tommy needed him to cover after already doing the afternoon patrol, but it must have been important, so you didn't give it a second thought.

You and Ellie walk in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the peaceful walk through town. You were about to ask her how she was getting on with her work detail when she came to a standstill.

"I thought you said Joel was on patrol tonight?" she demanded, her face contorting in confusion.

"Uh yeah, Ellie, I just told you that." You confirm, your own confusion mirroring hers.

"Then what the fuck is he doing in the bar?" She fumes, gesturing behind you to the window of the Tipsy Bison.

Sure enough, there he sits at the bar with Jenna. Joel was nursing a whisky, and she was playfully peeling back the homemade label of her beer bottle. They are sitting in the corner booth by the window, leaning towards each other to the point where their heads are far too close to be appropriate.

In that moment, your breathing stopped. Your stomach sank to the floor, and an overwhelming sense of panic and dread began to claw viciously from your chest up your throat, resting heavy on your tongue.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asks nervously, not really sure what to do or say in this situation. It could be nothing, but even to her, it definitely looked like something.

"Y-yeah, I'm good. Ellie, why don't you go on down to the mess hall, and I'll meet you there in a few?" You tell her more than ask, your eyes never leaving the window.

"No way fuck that I'm staying with you!" she demands, her eyes growing wet around her long lashes.

"No, Ellie, I need to talk to Joel; I will catch up with you in a few, okay?" You meet her eyes and nod in the direction of the mess hall. She only nods in response; your tone is final as she turns on her heel and storms towards the makeshift movie theatre.

What the fuck is happening right now? You trusted Joel; it never bothered you when the ladies in Jackson would bat their eyes at him or when their glances lingered a little too long. You took it as a compliment; hell, if you were them, you would stare too.

Your relationship was built on a foundation of honesty and trust from the very beginning. You have told him things you have never shared with another living soul, and he has done the same with you. Never in your life did you think you would be lucky enough to share a connection with someone the way you have with Joel, let alone after the world had ended.

And now here you stand in the middle of town, watching the man you love cosy up with another woman in plain sight, not even having the decency to try and hide it from you.

You stand there for another few minutes, watching how he leans across the table to talk to her, laughing and caressing his arm in response. It sets fire to your blood, and you can feel it moving like molten lava in your veins.

You're moving before you realise you have made the decision to do so, your feet carrying you furiously forward, up to the short creaking steps and through the entrance to the bar, and then there you are, looming over their table. Your eyes bore holes into his skull. He jumps in his seat and scrambles frantically to hide the notebook that was sitting open on the table between them. You didn't pay it a second glance.

"I didn't realise the bar needed patrolling this evening," you state pointedly at him, ignoring Jenna, who is doing everything she can to avoid eye contact with you, fidgeting in her seat, and clambering to get her things together. Grabbing her coat and scarf from beside her.

"Hey darlin, I thought you and Ellie were heading to the movies." He asks, his voice rough with his attempts to hide his nerves.

"We were on our way there when she saw this cosy scene from the street." You gesture with your hand towards the table, your voice icy as you let your hand drop to your side with an audible slap, which made Jenna flinch.

"I think I'm going to head out…" Jenna murmurs in a small, quiet voice, still avoiding your gaze.

"That is a wise decision" You agreed without taking your eyes of Joel.

She throws Joel a cryptic glance before clambering out of her seat and quickly making her way to the door, shooting Joel an apologetic glance over her shoulder, which only fuels the rage bubbling up in your throat.

"What the fuck?" You growl at him, doing your best to keep your voice under control. The last thing you wanted was to cause a scene. Especially not at your workplace, regardless of whether you were on shift or not.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks, genuinely confused by your anger.

"Please tell me you're joking," you seethe.

"What? I can't have a drink with a friend." He scoffs, incredulous.

"Seriously Joel? Since when have you had to lie about working to have a drink with a friend?"

"Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" he countered, avoiding the question.

"No, I really don't think I am. How could you do this? How could you do this in front of Ellie?!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Joel huffs back at you, his eyes never leaving yours.

Your eyes begin to prick with anger fuelled tears; the feeling of betrayal rips through you, leaving you exposed to his hard gaze. You can't take any more of this. It feels like the room is closing in around you. That you will suffocate if you don't leave right now. You look at him once more, and the fact that he hasn't denied it or assured you that this is anything other than what you fear it to be ,allows your world to crumble around you.

"Alright," you manage in a broken whisper that comes out as a choked sob.

With that, you turn and bolt for the door, desperately gasping for air but unable to get enough to fill your lungs. You have to brace yourself on the railing of the porch. You can feel his eyes on you as he watches you leave from where he sits frozen at the table, but he makes no move to follow after you.

Willing your legs to move, you push off the railing and slowly make your way to the mess hall, slipping in just as the movie is starting. You can see Ellie is sitting in the middle of the crowded room, and she has saved you a seat beside her.

You make your way to the restroom, taking in your reflection for the first time that evening. Your face is red and splotchy from crying, your eyes puffy, and your lips swollen from your teeth worrying at them. With shaking hands, you reach out to turn the tap on, splashing the icy cold water over your face as you try to make sense of what has just unfolded.

You knew Jenna; she is one of the few people trained in blacksmithing in Jackson, but you had never been especially close with her. She would frequent the bar and chat with you about her work day and vice versa, but that was the extent of your relationship with her, and you have never seen Joel interact with her. It just didn't make sense; why would he throw everything away for a fling with someone who lives in the same commune? Did he really think you wouldn't find out?

You do your best to shake the thoughts from your head, focused on spending the rest of the evening with Ellie, you will do everything in your power to shelter her from this. So with a deep breath, you put a smile on your face and left the restroom, smiling and waving politely at familiar faces as you made your way to your seat, stopping by the makeshift concession stand to grab Ellie some popcorn and a soda on your way.

"Hey, I've got you some snacks, kiddo." You whisper to her, not wanting to interrupt the film.

"Thanks, are you okay?" She murmered with a small smile. Taking the snacks from your outstretched hands.

"Yes, of course everything's fine; there was a mix-up with the patrols, so Joel didn't have to work tonight after all." You reassured her softly.

It cut you to the bone to have to lie to her to cover up his indiscretion because you didn't want her to think any less of him. He is her world, and she is his, and you wouldn't be the one to jeopardise that.

It cut you to the bone to have to lie to her to cover up his indiscretion because you didn't want her to think any less of him. He is her world, and she is his, and you wouldn't be the one to jeopardise that.

You weren't really sure what movie was even playing tonight, so lost in your thoughts that it was just a blurry hum in the background. Ellie had to nudge your shoulder several times to tell you that the movie had was over. Glancing around to find a steady stream of people filing out of the mess hall.

"Sorry, Ellie, I'm just a bit distracted tonight; work has been so hectic recently, and I have so much to do when I open tomorrow." You do your best to laugh it off. Hoping that she will let it go and that she wasn't being as observant tonight as she usually is. The girl misses nothing.

"It's okay, the film was a repeat anyway," she shrugs, not pressing you on the matter, though you know all too well that the questions will come eventually.

"Shall we head home? It sounds like it's getting pretty rough out there," you noted, as another howl of wind wipped around the wooden building.

"Sounds good; I want to have a shower before Joel uses all the hot water again," she ribs in a peel of bright laughter that sends warmth radiating through your now hollow chest.

When you reach the house, you find it in darkness. Joel hasn't made it home yet, and although you are beyond angry, you can't help but worry about him. Of course he can look after himself, but it isn't like him to be out this late if he wasn't on patrol.

The seething voice in the back of your head reminds you that he could be with her. You try to push those thoughts out of your head, but they linger like a dark cloud, casting a grim shadow over what was your perfect - or as perfect as it could be - life.

"I'm going for a shower and then head to bed, you okay?" Ellie asks, once again pulling you from your thoughts.

"Yeah, of course, kiddo, no worries. Do you need anything? You want some tea?" You offer as you head to the stove and place a pot of water on to boil.

"No, I'm good. Thanks though, g'night!" She calls over her shoulder, and then you are alone in the small kitchen.

"Night kiddo," You call quietly to her as you reach for the herbal tea blend that you and Ellie grew in your little garden last summer.

As you wait for the water to boil, your mind starts to race with worry and anxiety. You can't help but think of all the possible scenarios that could be keeping Joel out this late, and the thought of him being with another woman makes you want to break things. You have tried to push those thoughts out of your head so many times this evening, but they keep creeping back.

A few hours later, you are sitting in one of the armchairs in the living room, desperately fighting to keep your eyes open, but in the end you give up, gently placing your book on the coffee table and removing the blanket from your lap. You look at the clock on the wall, and it's just after 3am.

You pad into the kitchen and leave your mug in the sink, too tired to wash it now; that's tomorrow's problem. Heading up the creaky stairs to your bedroom and crawling into the cold sheets. It feels wrong going to bed without Joel by your side, but he is god knows where right now, so you lean over, turn the bedside lamp off, and sink into a restless, uneasy sleep.

You wake to the wintery morning sunshine seeping through your bedroom window. Instinctively, you run your hand across Joel's side of the bed; it's unmade but cold, so he did come home last night, but he was up before you, which is unusual.

Instinctively, you run your hand across Joel's side of the bed; it's unmade but cold, so he did come home last night, but he was up before you, which is unusual.

Slowly sitting up in bed, you stretch your tired bones, sore from your restless few hours of sleep, and swing your legs out of bed. It's only 7 a.m.; you don't usually open the bar until midday, so you have plenty of time to get ready.

You slink down the stairs, careful not to wake Ellie as you do so. Heading into the kitchen mid-yawn, you stop in your tracks as you find Joel standing at the stove, hovering over a pot of boiling water on the closest ring to him.

"Mornin'," he husks without turning; he must have heard you yawning with his good ear to the doorway.

You ignore him, knowing full well that it's petty and childish and ultimately will not resolve anything, but with the way he behaved last night, you feel the cold shoulder is justified.

You both continue with your morning rituals in silence. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but you didn't know where to begin broaching the subject, and the more you stewed over it, the more you felt he should be the one to open the conversation with an explanation, but if you were being totally honest with yourself, you were beginning to worry that you may have jumped to conclusions.

But when you thought about the way they were huddled together, her hand on his arm, and the way she tipped her head back in laughter at each thing he said, the pit in your stomach grew. As did the silence between you.

Things went on like this for days, with the two of you skirting around each other and avoiding eye contact. Only speaking to each other when absolutely necessary, like dinner times, and giving each other your work duties for the week.

You could see the effect this was having on Ellie; she has been especially quiet the last few days, so once Joel leaves for work, you sit with her on the couch and try to get her to open up.

"Ellie, is everything okay?" you ask, trying to keep your tone light.

"I don't know. You and Joel have been acting weird lately, and it's making me tense." She shrugs, not meeting your gaze.

You take a deep breath, knowing that you can't keep avoiding the issue. "Yeah, we've been having some problems. But it's nothing you need to worry about, kiddo."

"It doesn't seem like nothing," she retorts. "You guys haven't spoken in days. It's not like you."

"I know, Ellie. I just don't know how to fix it." You sigh.

"Maybe you could start by talking to him," she suggests.

"It's not that simple, Ellie. There's a lot going on." You shake your head.

"Well, maybe it would help if you talked to me about it," she offers.

"Thanks, Ellie. But it's not something I can really discuss with you. Just know that Joel and I are working through some things and we'll get through it." You smile softly at her, grateful for her kindness.

She nods, not looking convinced but not pressing the issue. You sit in silence for a moment before she stands up. "I'm gonna head out for a bit. Need to clear my head."

"Okay, kiddo. Be safe," you say, watching her leave.

You're left alone in the quiet house, the weight of your problems still heavy on your shoulders. You know Ellie is right; you need to talk to Joel. But the thought of confronting him is daunting, and you don't know if you want to hear what he has to say.

What if he doesn't want you anymore? What if he's not happy and hasn't been for a while?

You decide that enough is enough. After work this evening, you are going to speak to him and attempt to clear the air, hear his side of the story, and try to move forward, if not for the sake of your relationship but for Ellie. It's not fair to have this weighing on her shoulders; it's not her fault, and you hate seeing her unhappy, and you know that Joel will feel the same about his if nothing else.

The workday drags on uneventfully; the only thing standing out was that Jenna had come to the bar for the first time since that evening. She gave you a small smile, and you returned it with a polite nod. You were at work after all and took it upon yourself to remain as professional as possible.

Jenna approaches the bar and orders her usual, which you pour for her without issue, though it makes your skin itchy to be this close to her.

"Have you spoken to Joel yet?" she asks quietly. Wiping her fingertips across the bartop.

You stare at her blankly; the audacity of this woman boggles your mind.

"No," you respond curtly.

"Okay, well, when you do, come and find me. We'll have a lot to discuss." She states matter-of-factly, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips.

Before you have the chance to give her a piece of your mind, she is walking away from the bar, her long auburn hair swishing to her lower back. What the fuck is her problem?

You try to get through the rest of your day without dwelling on the conversation you had with Jenna, focusing more on the impending conversation you are going to have with Joel this evening. Thinking about what you were going to say to him, how you were going to explain how you felt, and how hurt you have been over the last few days.

You lock up the bar and head towards home for the evening, taking a little more time than you usually would, feet dragging, dreading the fight that would likely ensue once you had spoken to him. You tell yourself you will keep a level head, but you know deep down your temper would not allow that to happen if he gave you some bullshit excuse.

As you approach the small, snow-covered pathway that leads to the back porch of your home, you pause there, unable to bring yourself to go inside. So you take a seat on the second step and watch the flurries of fluffy snow as they make their way through the air to join the pillowy blanket that covers everything in sight.

You sit there for what feels like hours. Jackson was always quiet; it needed to be in order to keep what you have here safe, but as you sit in the darkness, the only light coming from the dim porch light and the light seeping through the thin linen curtains from the living room, it feels eerily silent and still. The sound of the backdoor creaking open made you jump. The heavy footsteps that followed, however, were all too familiar.

"You gonna stay out here all night?" He asked quietly, his voice low and soft.

"No, I was just… well, I don't really know what I was doing." You offer a small laugh, void of any humour.

Joel takes a few steps and groans loudly as he lowers himself to join you where you sit. He is quiet for a few moments until he finally speaks.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the other night and how it must have looked. I'm sorry for not explaining to you then and there what it was; I didn't want to tell you, and I still don't really. But I promise you on my life that it is not what you think it is, Darlin," he says softly, regret heavy in his tone.

"I don't understand Joel; I just want to understand what the fuck has been going on," you pleaded, hating how desperate your voice sounded.

"I know, baby, and I'm going to tell you. I just didn't want to ruin the surprise. I also didn't want to tell you without speaking to Ellie first, but I spoke to her at dinner, and now she understands." He assures you, his hand coming up to brush your cold cheek for the first time in days, and it was impossible not to lean into the heat of his palm.

"Okay, so now everyone knows but me, why were you all cozied up with Jenna? Why did you lie to me about going to work?" You challenged him, removing your face from his touch.

"Hold on," he huffs, shifting his weight to one hip as he fishes for something in his back pocket before continuing. "It will make more sense once you see this, or I hope it will at least," he offers as he hands you a beaten-up, leather-bound note book.

"What is this?" You ask him, you remember seeing it on the table in the bar the other night.

"Would you just open it?" he sighs, rubbing his hand through his patchy whiskers nervously.

You do as he says and open the notebook, and what you find takes you aback. The notebook is filled almost front to back with little sketches of rings and little notes about different metals and gems in his familar handwriting and another that you don't recognize.

"Wh-what is this?" You repeat, stunned. So many thoughts racing through your mind and you are beggining to realise that you have completely misread the situaiton the other night.

"I know I was going to have to tell you about it eventually, you know for your size and all but I was planning to do that after I asked you…but then with the other night I wasn't sure what to say and I was kind of pissed off that you where angry at me, I didn't stop to think that you weren't in on the secret and what it must have looked like to you," Joel's hand came to rest on your knee squeezing reassuringly as he explained the circumstances that lead to what you saw in the bar.

"I have been meeting up with Jenna over the last few weeks, she's the only blacksmith in Jackson that used to make jewelry…specifically engagement rings," he paused allowing his words to sink in before finishing his explination.

"We've been trying to figure out how to make you one, what metals mix well from what I have found on supply runs, whether to hold off if I could find a stone or a gem, or if we could make it without one,"

You stare at him, a mix of astonishment and disbelief washing over you. The pieces start to fall into place, and you realize the truth behind Joel's actions. The anger and hurt that had consumed you begin to melt away, replaced by a flood of emotions, the most promanent being embarrassment.

"You were planning to… ask me?" you stutter, your voice barely a whisper. The weight of your accusation hangs heavy in the air as you struggle to comprehend the situation.

"Yeah, I was. I've been saving up for months, looking for the right opportunity, and I wanted it to be a surprise. Jenna's been helping me because she's skilled at crafting intricate pieces. I wanted to make something special for you, something that would last a lifetime." Joel nods, his eyes filled with sincerity.

Tears well up in your eyes as the realization of your mistake dawns upon you. You reach for Joel's hand, intertwining your fingers with his. "Oh, Joel, I'm so sorry," you say, your voice trembling. "I jumped to conclusions without knowing the whole story. I never thought…I feel like such a peice of shit, I'm so sorry"

"It's okay, darlin'. I should've communicated better, explained everything to you beforehand. I understand why you were upset." He squeezes your hand gently, his thumb caressing your knuckles.

"But why did you lie about going to work?" you inquire, still wanting to grasp every detail.

"We thought it would be best if we kept it a secret until it was ready. And I didn't want you to suspect anything. I wanted the proposal to be a surprise, and I was afraid if I told you I was hanging out with Jenna, you'd figure it out before I had the chance." He shrugged.

"Joel, I can't believe you're doing this. You've put so much thought and effort into making something special for us. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I have been so awful to you over the last few days," You let out a shaky breath, your heart filled with a strange mix of relief, shame and joy.

A soft smile graces Joel's lips as he brushes a strand of hair from your face. "Don't say that, sweetheart. You deserve the world, and I want to give it to you. I love you more than anything, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Tears stream down your face now, but they're tears of happiness. You lean in and rest your head on Joel's shoulder, feeling the warmth of his presence envelop you. The weight of the misunderstanding lifts, leaving behind a newfound sense of trust and appreciation.

"I love you too, Joel," you whisper, your voice filled with sincerity. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch and for overreacting. I should have known you'd never do anything to hurt me."

"Hey, we all make mistakes, darlin'. It wouldn't be the first time I've got pissed at you for something I misunderstood now is it?." he chuckles quietly, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

"I guess no ones perfect," you echo his laughter leaning into him further.

As you sit together on the porch steps, surrounded by the beauty of the snowfall, you realize that the snow isn't the only thing that's melting. The icy barriers that had formed between you and Joel are slowly thawing away, leaving behind a comfortable quiet.

"So, now that the cats out of the bag, will you…?" he asks his deep voice thick with emotion.

"Will I what handsome?" You look up at him teasing, your eyes twinkling.

A playful grin tugs at the corners of Joel's mouth as he meets your gaze. "Will you marry me, my beautiful, stubborn, and occasionally misunderstood partner in crime?" he asks, his voice laced with a mixture of nervousness and hope.

Your heart skips a beat at his words, and a surge of excitement courses through you. You pretend to ponder his question, a mischievous glint in your eyes. "Well, I don't know, Joel. I mean, after all that's happened, can I really trust you with my heart?" you tease, a smile playing on your lips.

Joel feigns a look of hurt, placing a hand dramatically over his heart. "Oh, come on now. I've endured snowball fights, kitchen mishaps, you and Ellie ganging up on me and even your questionable taste in movies. If that's not true love, I don't know what is."

Laughter bubbles up from within you, and you lean in closer, pressing your forehead against his. "Joel, you are my love and my rock. Of course, I'll marry you," you say, your voice filled with so much love.

In that peaceful moment, wrapped in the calm of the snowfall and the safety of his strong arms, you realize that there will be silly arguments, misunderstandings and cold shoulders, but you will always find your way back to each other. You let out a sigh of contentment as Joel presses silent kisses against your head, happy to sit here forever wrapped up in him.

Knowing that Joel and Ellie will forever be your guiding lights.

[different-pridemonthera]

Hello, I'm not a native English speaker, but as a part of the queer community, I'd love to write a lengthy post to express my thoughts on why I find it absurd for people to criticize an actual canon queer ship for a queerbaiting ship, especially during Pride Month.

Originally thought that since the season finale was coming, I wouldn't make sharp comments anymore. Just wait for Season 8. The ship war that has been bubbling with noise previously is actually quite boring, especially those who can't tell what status virtual characters really are, and insist on picking out character issues, hoping that the character will die as soon as possible. The even lower-intelligence ones are those who can't tell the difference between characters and reality, and rush to attack the actors, trying to drive the actors away. It only leaves people speechless, feeling like I am facing a group of stereotypical teenagers across the network.

Then, as soon as Pride Month rolled around again, the 911 twt community's largest fan news account stirred up controversy by including a photo of Buddie among a group of canon queer characters to celebrate Pride Month. Personally, I don't have strong feelings about it. Firstly, Pride Month is all about inclusivity and acceptance. Secondly, it's a fan account and they can post what they want. Thirdly, Buddie, being one of the hottest queerbaiting ships in the 9-1-1 fandom, would undoubtedly be featured during Pride Month. While this might have happened in previous years too, but this year was different due to a major development in season 7, Buck's bisexual awakening, along with a new canon queer ship bucktommy/tevan that's currently in development.

Firstly, I don't think that just because Buck and Tommy became canon, it means you can't still ship Buddie. Ship culture is basically about shipping anything you want.

However, I also understand why some people might have issues with celebrating Pride Month with Buddie after the Buck and Tommy canon. The reality is many people forget that Buddie is a classic example of queerbaiting (it even made it to Wikipedia's queerbaiting page as a typical case). Or, more accurately, many people don't realize that queerbaiting, as a marketing strategy, is actually harmful to the real LGBTQ+ community. From a queer perspective, queerbaiting is simply a way to attract viewers by consuming the LGBTQ+ community, and the characters involved are essentially detached from reality. In a sense, any interactions they have that seem chemically charged are meaningless. A more specific example would be in Season 7 when Buck comes out, and Oliver, the actor, immediately receives private messages from closeted firefighters thanking him. This kind of thanks would not have happened during any scene between Buck and Eddie in seasons 2-6, especially when both characters had girlfriends. There is almost no real LGBTQ+ person could truly relate to such scenes. However, the possibility implied by queerbaiting exactly hits their desire for resonance. This is why I believe canon is important, only through canon can characters connect most closely with the real LGBTQ+ community. How much can a queerbaiting ship (where Eddie doesn't even have a canon LGBTQ+ character identity) contribute to the real LGBTQ+ community? Especially when fans of this queerbaiting ship hope that a canon queer ship with a clear positive impact will bone? Now it's even starting to reject TV shows that show two men flirting with daddy issue jokes. I ship buddie for Almost 5 years, My personal reason for wanting Buddie to become canon besides the chemistry was largely because I didn't want them to continue queerbaiting: they should officially get together or clearly not be together. Now that Buck has become bi, Buddie has slowly shifted into a ship baiting nature, but it cannot be denied that Buddie was queerbaiting before.

And I've been thinking that Eddie is gay for a long time, even though some so-called "insiders" have recently revealed that the ana breakup line is a precursor to his being gay, I still don't understand the so-called queer code, can you call it a queer code when every heterosexual relationship doesn't end well? Then it seems that every scumbag is a queer code, not to mention the fact that Ryan himself explicitly mentioned the word heterosexual in his interview describing buck's coming out scene to Eddie. Do the people who think Eddie is gay really know what sexual orientation means? The point is to be sexually attracted to men and only men. Eddie has been shown enjoying heterosexual sex on more than one occasion so far, and even Michael (Athena's ex-husband) came out at the beginning of the show and then made it clear that he would never have sex with Athena again. is it okay for a gay man to have heterosexual sex? Maybe it is. But do gay people enjoy heterosexual sex? You've got to be kidding me! Eddie being a bisexual or pansexual makes a lot more sense to me than being gay. Secondly the speculation about Eddie being Demisexual, Honestly, I didn't understand the concept of Demisexual very well, but I really don't think he's very Demisexual, he and shannon got back together only by having sex when they had relationship problems, and now he and marisol are already having sex frequently without having progressed to the point where they can cohabitate, does that really fit the definition of Demisexual? I just not so sure.

And even if Eddie is gay/Demisexual doesn't mean buddie canon, another point I really want to say is that almost most buddie fans feel that the character's sexuality can only be a PLOT DEVICE in the service of buddie, which is why the atmosphere in the fanbase was still harmonious during the period after s7ep4 and before ep5, because in the interview tim mentioned that the next episode of bucktommy's date didn't go well, and everyone didn't take Tommy's character seriously, thinking that Tommy was a tool, and that he would leave soon, and then buck would go and develop buddie obediently, which is actually a very good indication that they didn't take buck's bisexuality seriously too, and then they found out that bucktommy's coffee date was thriving again in the ep5 finale, which immediately starts attacking the character tommy and the actor lou because they are in buddie canon's way. Oliver mentions that there was a bi buck plot in s4, and in the absence of any information mentioning eddie they immediately think it's buddie canon again, and that all of buck's and eddie's sexuality The correlation can only be to run to buddie, there is no possibility of the two of them each finding someone else. At the end of the day they see buck as eddiesexual and Eddie as bucksexual (in fact shannonsexual would seem to make more sense), come on it's not even a sexual orientation. It's funny how tim coming back and making buck bi but not developing buddie gets called out as well, and how some people think that everyone calling out KR before was actually wrong about KR, and how some people think that buddie is the right character and actor meeting the wrong author and writer, it's really humorous and interesting thought.

All in all, can you heterosexuals who love queerbaiting ship move aside during pride month and stop pretending to be ally while attacking a real canon queer ships? and can the queer who love queerbaiting realize the dangers of queerbaiting? ...... but at the end of the day they are all virtual characters and it's up to the writers to write them, I'd love to see them make Buddie canon, but it's not even close to that day, Let's really canon queer ship bucktommy have a good time with their first pride month please.

thank you for reading, happy pride month!🏳️‍🌈

[kit-williams]

Barn Anon. In my defence, it's not yet Feb. I promise I have a happier one after this one. Wanted to explore the Warp fuckery or rather those that are "immune" to it. :)

You wanted to scream, want to grab your aunt and yell at her that she's crazy. That... thing that she's brought to the family reunion... It doesn't belong here! It's not even human, nor is it a pet like a dog or a cat. Why is everyone so calm? why is everyone smiling? Don't they see how it's armed to the teeth? Don't they see that chainsaw sword thing that it carries around with it? Doesn't anyone notice how it's sharp edges have some dried bloodstains?

You politely excuse yourself and rush out of the house to stand at the back porch. Deep breaths. In. Out. You look out at the single tree that grows at the back, the stars that dot the sky. You manage to come back down from the emotions that threatened to overwhelm you. Laughter creeps out from the house, you see that…thing acting all shy and bashful and you feel like throwing up. Does no one else see that thing for the danger it is? The majority of the world seems to be the same regardless of location or culture. You've seen the pictures and videos of people around the globe with their Space Marines and how everyone else would comment how they wish they had a Space Marine of their own. Just last week your friend was excitedly showing you a video of a guy and his Space Marine summitting some mountain together, with the guy excitedly hugging his Space Marine.

The only comfort you have is that you aren't alone. There's others that see the true danger of these Space Marines. It's a small minority and there are few spaces online that you can talk about it. This small community has a theory that Space Marines must have some form of mind control or that they plan to overthrow humanity. It didn't matter to you if you agreed to those theories, you're just relieved to find others that understand. You know you can't tell your parents, oh god no. They'll think you're crazy or worse, some sort of conspiracy theorist or extremist. You're not crazy! I-It's them that's insane, they're the ones that need help.

You open the chatroom start typing away, venting to like-minded sane individuals. You know you're right. Your family is in danger, they just can't see it yet but you can save them. They'll thank you in the end. You'll find a way to get rid of that Space Marine, somehow.

Thank you for feeding into my weird idea about how it is just a bit of warp fuckery cuz lets be honest no one would just do what the husbandry tag does unless it's some sort of warp fuckery.

Besides I'm always a lover of the Eldritch (Also you cannot tell me as a Catholic that biblically accurate angels aren't some sort of eldritch abominations straight out of Lovecraft just with more fire and feathers motif vs oceanic) and to imply something is just wrong under the surface is my jam

How can people not see that these things aren't normal?!

You do your research finding old and you mean old newspapers from the 20's and there is nothing about Astartes at all. Up until the 40's where suddenly there are pictures of them... some of them being seen in old war videos.

Some theorize that that Nazi Occultism brought them here but they are all beyond our petty conflicts as seen with the futile attempt there was to bring them into the Korean war. They only cared about their "companions". There use to be so much more uproar in papers about them but once the baby boomers were born that's suddenly when everyone was okay with them. Only the people in the Silent Generation and the GI generation were complaining about the Astartes and then suddenly their children or grandchildren were okay with them.

You continue to read as the generations went on... Gen X and Millennials saw the least amount of pushback... Millennials it was considered weird to have the opinion you have now. You run your fingers through your hair looking at the newspaper articles as you now realize that Gen z and Gen Alpha will only grow up with "positive" connotations.

Gone were the idea that only Loyalist astartes were safe to own and then it moved to include renegades and unaligned. You shudder at the thought of your cousin with a Khornite living with them. They're going to die you've tried to warn them but you worry their Astarte might know what's up... they are so much smarter. You pale seeing an old guide about a Blood Angel going into a rage... you shutter at the article.

Your parents are talking about getting one but you managed to convince them that they can get one once you move out. You read the chat and how someone's posted about how a kid was recently abducted by one... or another about how some Gen Alpha kids can even speak their language... and then the theory about bonding that seems to come up when the kids explain their space marine... oh great a wild idea that you get chosen and have no choice in the matter.

You look behind you as you make your way home late trying to desperately avoid the dark alleyways and crossing the road when you see people walking with their Astartes. You've already found out nice communities that don't allow Astartes to live there so you can get away from the madness.

[hellsfirekeepsyouwarm]

All Hell Breaks Loose Pt. 3

Hello my beautiful people, here i am with the third part, LET THE ANGST CONTINUE. I dunno how long this series gon be, so bear with me guys, and i'll promise i'll stop the angst train soon, just not now :d Comments, feedback and reblogs are appreciated, i love your reactions. love y'all

Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

Warnings:, torture, language, graphic scenes, again: military men, mention of urination (weird i know), canon typical violence i guess, overall distraught

Summary: While your try to hold it together both body and mind in the midst of darkness and pain, Simon and the team try their best to get to you, without walking into a deathtrap.

A soft feather like touch is grazing the inside of your wrist, so light but apparent, eyes snapping open. Is he here? A wave of relief washing over you momentarily before registering your own finger on your own skin, caressing the veins under the thin skin.

You choke on the sob that erupts from you, realizing you tried to comfort yourself unconsciously, your mind in shambles, making you believe Simon got through all the Shadows to you. Damsel in distress you said? You snort at that, the fast switch in your head is comical at this point. You are loosing your mind already? That cannot be the case, no. You are stronger than that.

You keep petting your wrist, now fully aware of the fact that it's just you, not Simon making sure of the pulsing under his fingers. It became something so intimate between the two of you. When you woke up in the hospital, in the midst of nightmares, fire and pain, you could feel the sensitive touch of callused fingers, holding your hand the same way, all the time. Wrapped around your hand, warm, fingers meeting on top of the veins where you can feel the rhythmical thump of blood rushing in them.

So you woke up like that, him on your bedside, not letting your hand go for a second, pulling his chair closer when you found his gaze, devoid from the black camouflage makeup or haunting image of a skull. A handsome man with worry in his deep gaze, telling tales of how much hell he's been trough.

So it became a habit, a couple thing if you will. He does this anytime he seeks comfort, and anytime he feels you need reassurance of his presence. When you first sat up with a hole still in your chest, when he confessed how fucking terrified he was when you hit the ground, when you walked out scarred mentally and physically, when he tried to catch you attention, or when he wanted one more kiss before you turned back to the stove. It's a silent i love you. Neither of you are good with words, but you found other ways to communicate.

You doing it gives a tiny bit of ease in the middle of the dusty cold room.

You look around, slowly to see every corner and darker part, and while you are certain no one else is in the room with you, you are still cautious with your surroundings. Everything is in the exact same place as before your head decided to give in to the bleariness. You remain on the sad wooden chair screwed to the ground in the middle, a reeking bucket of your piss behind you in the farthest corner, old electrical boxes so old you can't see the color of them under all the rust. You inspected everything, the boxes are rooted, they might open but you doubt you'll have enough juice in you to crack open any of it.

Other than the boxes and your makeshift toilet the space is empty, and it was a miracle that you even have the luxury to pee in something. Graves left you with one of his goons for a while, inspecting your every move, so when another Shadow brought it, you peed looking into his eyes. The man was so flustered he left the room minutes later, and you thought about how Soap would laugh at this story after going on a rampage of your humiliation. You couldn't care less. If this is all you have to endure, so be it. You are off the hook easy so far, and you fear Graves is waiting for the big finale. You are the bait, and he's hiding out to lure the targets closer and closer before he can land a solid attack.

The moment Graves left you behind, you had a deep breath, having a moment without the poker face and resistance. Now you are going mad in the quiet. Just how he said. Memorized every bit of the space around you, counted the steps on the other side of the door, focusing on the difference between boots, your brain high from stress. He wants you to crack, and you have to admit with shame, that if someone can do it, it's him. He knows you well, as a person and as a soldier.

You freeze when the door bursts open, Graves and two of his Shadow following behind. Here we go again, you think.

"You know what time is it Darling." Yeah, you know the drill already. He comes and watches as his men does the dirty job. God forbid Philip Graves gets blood on his hands.

So the first punch lands right to your stomach, air knocked out of you with a painful grunt. Shit, no foreplay this time? He's getting impatient. He wants progress, his math didn't work so he's upping his game. He anticipated the task force by now, a siege, an attack. Anything. You can see on his face, frustrated expression with deep purple bags under his eyes.

The blows are calculated. They cause pain, creating vivid colors on your skin, but too far from being fatal. A busted lip, blackeye, cuts and bruises deep enough to bleed, but drying out in a short time. It's not time yet. That might be your play.

He observes every hit on you, instructing the men assaulting you when he needs to. The pain is irrelevant at this point. You can barely feel the abuse after the impact. Which is good and real bad at the same time.

You need time. You have to buy some time for yourself, and for the guys to get to you before it's too late.

You realize you are on autopilot mode. Your brain working in military mode. Endure. Survive. Plan. No matter what. Just the reminder of a ghost touch on your wrist collect the tears in your eyes with the sting of the blade pushing slowly under your nail.

You blocked the pain so far, but your body has limits. In the middle of the constant blows, you didn't noticed the ziptie locking in on you ankles. Now when the sharp metal is threatening to broke off your first nail from your finger you try to move you knee up to meet with the man's jaw. But the impact never comes, and makes you wonder when it all happened. When the numbness left your body and switched places with pure agony and terror. Soon your hands are tied to the damn chair that's been your only support in this hell, and your wrists are painfully tight against the wood.

You hyperventilate, you cannot know but can imagine the pain you are about to experience. Simon told you it was probably the worst he ever felt. And he never says things like that unless he means it.

Then you scream.

*

He was ready. Blood boiling, heart aching, but ready. He was so close to action, and that clouded his judgment. Or blinded is a better description to it. He missed the subtle but clear signs that the others caught sooner. Though they agreed on the plan, it was clear and fast forward, they couldn't go with it. First Price suggested to take a step back, have an eye on everything, before making a move. That's what he did, watched and monitored and he ignored every fucking red flag that was in his face. Then everybody else hinted on the fact that the plan won't work, but he's too stubborn to hear them out.

"What are you suggesting? Leave her there to fucking die?" He's dangerously close to jump on Price for putting a complete halt on the mission. "There should have been proof of life delivered for hours now. Fuckin' 'ell she might be already DEAD!"

His voice is roaring, filling the room, dancing in his teammates ears. While they were prepared for Ghost's wrath, they never could fully understand the lengths this man will take to do what need to be done. Right now Simon is mere inch away from marching right down to the Shadow hideout, and demolish the place to the ground.

"You let me take the lead for a reason, Simon. What do you think why we haven't seen proof of life? So you lose your mind over it, because they anticipated us hours before. They know we had eyes on the area for days." Price is steady against Ghost, but he's a little out of breath, eager to reason with Ghost to prevent him do something life threatening stupid shit.

"You know Lt. the Captain is right. Every corner of that base is orchestrated for us. Every man there moved the same everyday, took the same route at the same time as before. They made it look hard but easy enough for us to try." Johnny is passionate as always, Ghost admires the fire he has in every damn situation. But in this hell of a state, Simon can't see past the red.

"She's the bait for us to go down there, and when the bastards have us, we guaranteed her death with ours."

Price and Soap talks from different sides of his head, desperate to knock some sense into his brain, making him see the ovious. But if they are right, Simon can't get closer to the goal. That means more hours and days of suffering. Suffering that he endures, and guilt doubling down on him when he registers he's afraid of his own suffering first, and not yours.

Simon's heart breaks over and over, the heart he had doubts about ever existing, head pounding against the thick skull of his. And while every fiber in his body tells him to break down the fucking doors and destroy anything and everything in search of you, he have to admit his brothers are correct.

Soap picks up Ghost's break, he can hide his face behind the mask, but he cannot hide his feelings, not when Soap watched his two teammates break into shreds, then slowly picking up what remained and putting the pieces back together. Before Simon can protest, Johnny is nudging him outside of their small long forgotten barn that sheltered them the past few days.

Simon lets Soap to guide him further, where he can breath, and might have that long awaited collapse Soap would have had at the first moment if it was about his significant other. To be honest, he already had his fair share of outrage and terror the moment he got the news about you. His best friend for years now, a friend he found in a place void of this kind of relationship he has with you.

He overcome that fury, but Ghost is a stubborn son of a bitch, and he's not sure he can turn his friend's head to the right way.

"C'mon man. You need to see what i'm seein'. You saw yourself, just think about it." Simon takes deep breaths, the cool fresh air clearing his head, the wind forcing some tears out of his eyes.

"I know." Simon grunts, head hanging defeated. "I know." He clears his throat in effort to swallow back his words. Fight is in his nature, not acceptance.

A few moment goes by like this, Johnny supporting his mate with silence, a comfortable and an awkward silence at once.

Just as Soap would try to speak again, Gaz approaches the men out of breath, stumbling over in his words before he can say it.

"We got a video, a minute ago. She's alive."

Ghost shots up, like he was shot with electricity. He lunges towards the barn, the boys hot on his trail.

*

The small laptop show a horrific scene, right in the middle of a scream. If Ghost wouldn't know better, he would think it's someone else, not her. But the inhuman voice is coming out of your mouth, he knows, because he sees your face fully for a moment before the video continues on to show how your nails are being removed one after one. While your face was shown in a swift blurry move, the picture of raw meat under your nails are as sharp as his precious knife in his holster.

Price reaches for the laptop, but Simon claps his hand before he could close it down, and prevent Simon to see all of it.

"No." He grumbles, Price retreats, not pleased at the slightest. He's done watching, the sound is enough to imagine the content of it.

It goes on and on, the images burning into Simon's memory, and he wants it that way. If you have to go through that, he'll too. This is going to be his fuel for what's about to come, because he will ravage the very existence of Philip Graves. He will erase his memory off of this goddamn earth, with nothing to remain.

Slowly every one of the guys takes a step back from the proof of life they awaited so much, and only Simon stays rooted in front of the screen. Not much is visible of the place, dark hugging the room, black gloves on the torturer, black tactical wear on the others holding her down, no face shown, no other sound just the screams and some grunts of the captivators. Because she still fights, of course she does. She has to.

Just as Simon feels his own limit of watching you in anguish, not fucking feeling anything anymore, your voice changes, turns into words before the torturing hand freezes, and video cuts off.

"Do you...do you remember Istanbul Phil? Hmmm, the good ol' days huh?"

Blood rushes with full force again in his veins, the words awakening his senses. Your voice drowning in the accent at the end Soap laughed so much on, and he did have some low chuckle himself when he first heard them in his ears through the comms.

All pair of eyes locked at him, realization hitting every one of them. You gave them a way in.

*

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[pastramimommy]

6/13/24

This birthday is going to be a whole chapter in my memoir. I cannot believe how everything has played out. Younger hayley would be so embarrassed and enraged that she would be broken up with over the phone after a 3 year relationship that she moved to the Midwest for. For someone she genuinely thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with. But I feel a weird sense of peace. Among the many other emotions I feel, of course. I don’t regret any of this and I am not mad either. I’m trying to be real with myself and recognize if I’m actually in denial and let myself feel all of my feelings and I genuinely think that I am. Of all the negative feelings, I think I am mostly feeling hurt and mildly questioning my character. I am hurt because I have been in a relationship where I have been consistently fighting to be wanted as much as I wanted him. And it’s a fight I’m tired of having one I know is not necessary. And I am questioning my character because maybe he could’ve wanted me as much as I wanted him if I just communicated with less emotion. The unproductive route of thinking is to question if I had just kept my mouth shut sometimes or just spoke with less attitude then maybe we’d still be together. In our closure conversation talking about dating in the future vs having another hoe phase he said he wouldn’t be in the streets because he is ready to get married……………..nothing hurts more than this. Knowing that he is ready to get married, but not to me. I’ve been trying to really be self aware about the situation and determine if my communication is truly that bad or is he just more sensitive than either of us ever realized. I know there are definitely areas that I can improve but based on the evidence he is citing, I don’t think my words/actions don’t warrant the reaction. I feel as if the examples that he brought up were not ideal, but honestly if a bitch slips ups once every few months, she’s just being a human. I am not sorry I cannot express all my thoughts calmly and articulately. I cannot live in fear that something that I say will make you break up with me. I really would understand if I was verbally berating him and screaming at him, but I am not. It is just a little comment every once in awhile that he never lets go of. The love that I want understands that I am expressive and emotional and that whatever I am saying is not an attack to be taken personally. If a random person read this they would fr think I was just in denial for saying fucked up shit to him and gaslighting him about it. “You’re being lame” “where’s my drink?” “Don’t ever do that again” all things I’ve said that slowly chipped away at our relationship. He would always ask “how would you feel if I did/said that to you?” Obviously it’s never preferred, but in every relationship you will do/say things you wouldn’t want reciprocated every once in awhile. If that did not happen, I would be worried that real feelings were not being shared, that things were being held back. And it’s clear that this was the case here. I’d rather have someone be up front with me than not tell me things because they were afraid of hurting my feelings. i’m gonna cry regardless, but I’m gonna get over it. I will have a lot harder of a time learning something that you felt months or even years ago, like I rushed you into this relationship, that you fucked other people after meeting me, all these things I should not be finding out so late into our relationship. How can I trust someone when I know how good they are at hiding their feelings. How can I not be anxious? That is not healthy and I am glad he recognizes that and is going to take steps to fix that. But damn, I hate to crawl so some bitch can run. 

He said if we both had one more relationship before this we would’ve been perfect. Maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know if this will change about me. It might be fundamentally who I am. And maybe this taught me more about what I need out of a partner in terms of communication. I spent the last year trying to fit myself into the mold of what he wanted and I failed. He would ask me “is this a habit or a personality trait?” I always said it was a habit, then walking on eggshells, praying not to fuck up again. I can identify every single instance in our relationship that he was unhappy about, because he would continuously bring up the same ones and never let them go. Maybe this is why I feel relief. It didn’t really hit me till my mom said it, I should not be feeling this amount of pressure and stress during a relationship. I am so excited to be free of the stress of wondering where we will live next or if I will get to raise my kids near my family. It really does not have to be this hard. I have notoriously taken the hardest path for myself, and again I don’t regret it, but I can let myself choose what is easy and comforting for once. 

I am excited about the idea of finding this with someone, but I am so scared that no one will compare to him. I know I can’t think like this, but besides the communication everything else was truly perfect. His values, his faith, his sex, his financial habits, his lifestyle, how we can have conversations about medicine, everything was there. I know I just need to have faith and good things will come. 

I am starting 27 single, with no resentment in my heart, only respect for him. This is the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced, but only because he gave me the greatest love I’ve ever known. None of this was a waste, I learned so much about relationships and myself and have grown so much the last 3 years. I can move on knowing that despite how much we love each other, we just are not compatible. But now I get to start my life in San Diego with everyone I love and have missed for so many years. No more watching my relationships slowly fade away if I don’t struggle so hard to put in the effort to stay in their lives. I get to start laying down roots. I get to look for jobs at places I can work at long term. I can rest easy knowing I put everything I had into this relationship, and it just wasn’t right. I can finally go home.

[makima-s-most-smile]

Trigun Maximum 1 (Part 2)

*me rushing after the bookclub timeline* My brain does not work in summer heat!

*continues to waffle about the smallest details* And I will only get worse, nyehehehe

Trigun Ultimate: 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4 Trigun Maximum: 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 3.2, 4.1, 4.2, 5.1, 5.2, 6.1, 6.2, 7.1, 7.2, 8.1, 8.2, 8.3, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1, 10.2, 10.3, 10.4, 10.5

Chapter 03: Bravo Girls!

Meryl!

Uh… Neither can a man?!? Karen, what kind of sexist logic do you have there? 

Everyone should be capable and independent, that’s how you avoid landing in abusive situations. (It also does not mean that you shouldn’t rely on people. That’s how communities work.) Knowing your worth and loving yourself is the key here.

Those who know, know -_-

This is the first time that Meryl got any lifesign from Vash for about 2,5 years. She must have thought he died until now. No wonder she is near tears. Her friend is alive! She must feel so relieved! Boyo survived whatever the fifth moon incident has been!

Oh, I immediately dislike Mr. Keele. Keele = Kill, did anyone else zoom in on the phonetic similarities?

Again! Mr. Keele is a tradesman! An Assassin! I didn’t imagine it! Somebody tell me that I didn’t imagine it when I said that Wolfwood literally advertises he’s a trained killer in Ultimate 2! Karen gives Meryl all the hints! “Yeah, I would not want to be there, even if I was you, with Mr. Keele being a killer. Y’know, the ex-elite-military-dude.” We see the penny drop on Meryl’s face!

This has to be one of the bigger cities, since it was build around a ship. But it looks so small. Like 1.000 people, maybe 2000 max. I read somewhere that like 20 Million humans of 100 Million survived the fall (correct me if I remember that incorrectly). But with such small settlements… I cannot believe that. There was surely a second Great Dying in the aftermath, but this… this is so small. And it is a big, well-established city. If Vash is able to run around without people realising who he is, there need to be more people for that anonymity. Big cities offer anonymity, small communities do not!

I like this shot of Vash. He looks like he is Batman, all brooding and watchful. Through that establishing shot, we, as readers, aren’t really surprised when Keele is busted immediately. How exactly, besides Vash being careful, I don’t know. Is it the body language? The way he carries himself and his weapons? Does he hear them talking at the reception desk?

I like this whole scene. Vash is not naive. He knows of the dangers, he knows he is still hunted down, even without the bounty.

Keele is ruthless! To get to his target, he is willing to kill innocents. The woman in the car is an innocent bystander. Vash needs to shield her with his body. While the other assassins until now also killed people, they didn’t use them to get to Vash. That’s a key difference and makes Keele so much more coldblooded.

How much pain tolerance has he? He is smiling and joking after it. Yes, he is showing pain, but he is more obsessed with making everything seem less dire. Of course, Wolfwood sees through it and gets help. I am not sure, he may even carry Vash, since it is highly stupid to let Vash lay there in the open with a fucking hitman on the lose. I wonder how Wolfwood feels when being confronted with that kind of hit man. While we know that Wolfwood is able to “easily” kill, he does not seem like a person who would use innocents to get to his target. He is too direct and honest for that. You could also use the word too ethical, but that is… *looks at the killer for hire part* Well, even professionals have standards?

I love Meryl’s cool speech, but… Keele was hired by her boss. Her boss would have known that Keele is a hit man. Even Karen commented on it. What does that say about her organisation as a whole? I want consequences for it! Be it structural changes or anything, but we never get any. Please, if you have something like this in the story, Nightow, please, do something with it. What are the consequences about this for Meryl and her job, what are the consequences for Milly? Do they report this? It would be in character for both of them! And if they don’t… SHOW IT TO US! PLEASE! What is their reasoning then!

I’d say, Keele is not without logic, but it is not insurance logic. It is the logic that the state works with in “The minority-report”. The idea of a self fulfilling prophecy is also present here, too. Though, it is unethical from the perspective that it infringes on the human’s agency. Another little thing that is important for me (and most likely for Meryl, too) is that Vash is not the disaster! Things happen to and around Vash, but he is not the one who decides to go bat-shit crazy, he runs, he flees and most importantly, he keeps the casualties low! There is no intent there! She would have put that in her reports! Keele didn’t care, her boss didn’t care. 

Can you punish someone for something he doesn’t do? It would be punishing his existence. 

Keele goes to threaten Meryl with a gun, intending to kill her. He is not only a hit man, he is a murderer. His reasoning is greed and covering his own tracks. You could say, in this chapter, he is somewhat the antithesis to Vash. Vash brings destruction without intent and does his best to avoid it. Keele kills for personal gain without care for anyone other than himself. Who is worse? The answer is easy, but somehow from a purely capitalistic view the insurance agency came to another result.

Meryl thinking back to what Karen said, but I don’t think she thinks about herself in that position. She thinks about Vash and how he is thrown into life threatening situations again and again (at least that is my interpretation) and how he cannot be happy like that. His smiling picture contrasts what they have been through together. Yes, it is a shitty position that Meryl finds herself in, but she chooses to stay at Vash’s side. And damn, that’s fucking nice of her. She is his friend. She is brave. And she has ethics!

Milly to the rescue! I love the whole framing of that pic. Her smile and then the close up that shows it is an angry one!

It’s subtle, but does Meryl help Keele to fly by tripping him? Her position changes so much from the former page. She looks so completely unimpressed by Keele. Also, isn’t it nice that people other than Vash get panty shots, too?

WHY?! You smoked Vash out! You followed him! You literally got into a life threatening situation! Why don’t you go to him? AHHHHHHHHHH

Gosh, Wolfwood is so petty. Yes, he keeps Vash’s ethical standground and does not kill his fellow hitman, but Vash never said something against torture… And I didn't get why his face is so bloody, I thought that was the sauce, but no, he skitted on his face due to Milly's hit. Dayumm.

Meryl’s reasoning reads so weird. She used the vacation to look for him, but now she says that they will deal with him through work… Is it her being shy? And Keele never got busted… Nothing changed at her workplace even though it did something so unethical. I… really don’t like this plotpoint.

Chapter 04: Hero returns

Knives! My second best worstie! New readers still don’t get to know his face! Though, this is a memory from Vash. His brother is distorted to a monstrous being, inhuman with crazy eyes and a smile with so many teeth, it is a threat. Knives is not human, but Vash, his brother, is not human, too. 

“Forgetting brings too much sorrow, remembering brings everlasting pain.” That’s grief and it makes Vash's whole being. Sure, if you forget the person you lost, your pain may be gone, but you also lose what made you you. But now, every memory is tainted with the loss. Time should heal those wounds, pain becomes bearable and now painful memories become bittersweet. But I don’t think Vash ever reached that point. Rem is still a sore spot for him, he can’t even talk about her, but she haunts every step. Every scar on his body is a sacrifice to her godhood. Vash is less his own person and more a priest to her existence. While I am sad for Vash, I also feel for Rem. If she was able to know how her son idolises her to his own detriment, she would despair.

Vash having nightmares due to trauma, confirmed.

Damn, that contrast. Wolfwood, the black smudge, between all that white space and all the coffins hanging over his head. We already know that he deals with death at this point, being a gun ho gun and all that shebang, but it also evokes something claustrophobic in me. Wolfwood watching as more and more coffins -corpses- pile up, ready to crush him under their weight. And he just stands and stares.

Wolfwood, the town gossip. “Thank heaven you asked! It’s a long story, though it is kinda a short one! Anyway-” 

Eh, the town going all Montaque and Capulet, just without the lovers and more sexual assault. Kinda sad, but that is greed working. The planet truly brings out the worst of humanity. And Vash is still able to be sad about it. Because he knows humanity can be better. And Wolfwood is his bitter, contemptuous self, not without reason. I don’t see him saying that as misanthropy, though. Wolfwood said in his introduction chapter that he has an orphanage to care about. While Vash cares about the whole of humanity, Wolfwood cares for his smaller circle and he needs to stay alive to do so. He cannot allow himself the risk. 

And damn, Vash just plainly calling him out for having secrets and Wolfwood again, not denying it and just falling silent. They know. And it hurts.

Brad!

He is 17. Why do 17 year olds in manga either look kawaii or like the worst Jojo-delinquents

His hair reminds me so much of Ryu (or Josuke mixed with Jotaro)

Damn, Brad, you are such an arrogant arsehole here. Oh, yes, the people who are trying their best to survive daily on a planet that is unable to really accommodate their needs are not the nicest around… Dude, you are living at a place that guarantees that your basic needs are taken care of. Brad lived with a priviledge that other people literally would die for. I know Brad will grow on me, but damn, his introduction is always… I wanna kick him! At least you are not as bad as ‘98 Brad.

What conversation? The one about plants? The one about having to kill to protect your close ones? Are you trying to make him understand that you, Wolfwood, need to stay alive to keep the orphanage going? Or the one about you hiding stuff? Are you going to confess? Why you are here, Wolfwood? What is it? It is open to interpretation.

But I love this! This shows what a truly honest and open dude Wolfwood truly is. Yes, he goes so easily on the defensive and, damn, he speaks in absolutes and thus can be seen as condescending. But he reaches out to Vash again and again. He literally runs after him to talk! He tries to go by Vash’s rules. He didn’t kill anyone with his fucking machine gun cross, because Vash asked him to, and that is a feat in on itself.

Oh! There is a new coat in the suitcase, too! Didn’t see that in the first readthrough.

Brad: “I don’t think we have a choice, do we? Lost technology for lost technology.” I read this in my first readthrough as Vash trading stuff with the colony, most likely because I still had the scene with Kaite in my head, where Vash just pulls out a radio in the form of a pen. But now it reads as Brad putting Vash down as a plant and dehumanising him.

No! Vash, you are the fucking gun! Yes, you have dangerous powers, but you did not pull the trigger! I know it feels like it! And damn, your body must feel foreign and hostile to you, but you did not chose this, the responsibility lies not on you, however much you put it onto yourself.

“We have no choice but to depend on him”

“The only one who cannot flee or surrender, who will even return from the dead is that nice man right there.”

Damn, that hurts. I know the doctor has a better relationship with Vash than Brad has, but it reads like they are only using him and that only because there is no other option. It mirrors how Vash treats himself.

Brad struggles with Vash seemingly being immortal and inhuman. His hissy fit kinda fits what is brewing in Wolfwood. But with the Docs explanation of Brad being a fucking brat that has a temper trantrum because his age mate Jessica has a puppy crush on Vash... He is just a fucking hormonal teenager. Brad the brat. And that makes Vash’s bout of hating his plantness immediately less dire. I love Doc. (I wanted to write like, but my hands wrote love, so love it is.)

Wolfwood can never eat in peace part two electric boogaloo. He looks so cute, squatting down and just eating XD. It is one of my favourite Wolfwood panels. He just looks so innocent and curious. Annnnd… the softness is immediately gone with his scowl returning. Interesting, how Wolfwood takes the police/army force intervening as something that can go either way and not something purely positive. We don’t see much of them in the manga anyway, so how much power do they truly have? Not enough, considering Knives is scheming in the background with the whole of the gun-ho-guns.

Also, Brad, just go away with your prejudice. I’d like to see how you would have come out living not in a safe space but a world in which you can be shot just for looking stupid.

Kinda hypocritical of Wolfwood. He wants to go away and not interfere. While that is a choice, it is a passive one. His action is nonaction. But nonaction is also an action. He wants to avoid having to make this decision of life and death. But that also tells us, the readers, that while Wolfwood is capable of doing so, he hates taking a life, he hates this part of life and himself. 

And his decision is to decide which conflict he interferes with, because his main goal is to keep the orphanage afloat. Wolfwood has to decide for himself who is worth saving and who is not. No wonder he calls himself a demon. But it is also very human.

He does not have the capacity to help everyone and if he dies here, the orphanage would suffer. His life is worth something for that very cause. While Wolfwood is right that you cannot not make a choice, he doesn’t seem to completely understand it, either. Surely, he breaks the choice down to kill or let live, but there are myriads of other choices that have to be decided before it comes to this. His choice right here is not to kill or to kill, but avoid interfering so he does not risk his own life at the detriment of the orphanage.

And Vash is… Not understanding Wolfwood or humanity. From Vash’s perspective every life is important. He cannot fathom that for some people some lives are more important than others and that alienates him from humanity. From his position it seems unimaginable for him that he does not jump into the fray to rescue the hostages. And it reads a bit patronising or judgemental that other people are unable to do so. It reads like: I can do it, why can't you? Wolfwood has a point, but Vash slaps it away by telling him it is just talk. Vash is not human here, he is far from it.

For me, this also opens up another question. Is Vash using this unconsciously to avoid Knives? By concentrating on helping the locals, he gets distracted again and again from their real goal, smoking out Knives. While Vash said that he wants to kill Knives, it goes against his ideals. Rem also died for Knives, not only humanity. And Vash still loves him, even though Knives did something unmentionable to him. Considering that Vash is also latently suicidal… is there an unconscious hope that he could die before having to meet Knives? It also makes his position of I can do it, why can't humanity do it, kinda sad. He can't imagine people wanting to live and considering staying alive a priority. 

I… just love this very interaction. It feels a bit jarring that they had such an intense argument just a page ago and now they are back to silly nillies.

Chapter 05: Dancing revolvers

Hehehehe, Baby Vash immediately wanting to eat the geranium. Geraniums are also used to repel mosquitos. How does Zazie feel about them? Do the plants smell of geraniums? Imagine Zazie meeting Knives and having to retch.

Interestingly, I mostly found geranium meaning protection and warding off evil, even as a promise to meet at a specific place. Only after a deeper search did I find the meaning of determination. Rem’s face in that scene. She takes strength from that meaning, her own determination to leave behind something or start anew. The woman has a deeply seated regret or two.

We learn later what this exactly means, but Luraude not losing a drop of sweat… HINTS! It looks like he was controlled somehow.

Vash, that can kill a person… A pacifist, you are…

Then why are you bleeding from the mouth?!

I love the framing of Vash’s shooting scene and the aftermath. How his training comes to fruition and how much of his fighting is like high level mathematics. We also don’t know why the storage is shown in the aftermath until we get the resolution of them having been shot open. 

Chapter 06: Sin

I love that framing. It shows the sin and the grief that follows it. It doesn’t show the act, it shows the victims! That makes it much more poignant for me. It is about how innocent people are forced into such situations, how much loss there is from ONE wrong act. 

And while it makes a full circle back to Wolfwood’s words and gives them much needed human context, it also opens up the idea of Wolfwood being a victim that had to take up arms, too. His expression is also important. There is no: “Gotcha! Spikey! There is not his angry stubbornness or this neutral, stoic facade that normally accompanies him trying to make Vash understand. It is just absolute sadness and, maybe (I am really bad with faces) apathy by helplessness. I like that we get a callback to the scene a few chapters beforehand, because this close up tells us a whole different story and frames Wolfwood’s position much more as a position made by need and not by want. As much as Vash cried in that scene, Wolfwood looks like someone who wants to cry, too, but has no tears left.

Wolfwood says that Vash is foolish and stubborn. He looks kinda like a devil, enjoying Vash’s plightful situation. Could it be misguided care for Vash’s survival, because Wolfwood himself had to learn the hard way how to survive? Or does he want confirmation that Vash is someone who reacts and thus is in the end human? There is the hint that there is more to Wolfwood joining Vash’s travels. Our man is sus.

There are other questions that I have as a reader. How often does Vash regret the outcome of these situations? Does he only regret those where he couldn’t save everyone? Or in which people choose to be greedy? How does he keep up his hope towards humanity after those situations? Every life is holy for him, so the life of the murderer and the life of the daughter has to be on the same level. Doesn’t how we fill our life’s make a difference? Vash needs to say no to this due to all encompassing love for humanity. And that makes him inhuman. 

I love how the panelling kinda says two completely different things. By lowering his gun, Vash takes a step back and lets the father decide how to punish his daughter’s murderer. Framing Knives in the middle could be read as Vash’s own acceptance of his hypocrisy. If he is willing to kill Knives for what he did, why should he stop the father. But it also shows Vash’s inner fight for me. He lowers the gun, while we are presented with Knives’s portrait. Vash is unsure if he even can kill Knives.

You can’t save everyone, but you should at least try. And Vash acts upon it. Not putting the father in danger by using his gun, but by trying to save the rapist with only his hands. It is about not burdening the father with being a killer. And… it is an end that makes Vash keep up his promise, but it also feels hollow. The girl was tortured to death and her killer lives. It is unfair. The father’s grief won’t lessen, he may even feel like a failure. And everything about this is just sad.

Another point for Vash being decidedly inhuman and separated from humanity. How would I feel if I saw my family that I put under my protection tear themselves apart. I look down from far above and their scuffles would seem so menial to me and I still lose family members to it, other grief and take more lives in revenge. But also, if everyone is your family, no one is. Family is that important because it is our in-group. But an in-group automatically has an out-group. Vash is ripping himself apart with his point of view.

Yeah, I would also yawn if my boo bombs up my holding cell and gets me with his cool bike. As if Vash expected Wolfwood to come to his rescue.

I like this little tidbit of Wolfwood showing empathy to the father and offering him an escape. Our boy is a softie! Even though he immediately grows defensive when Vash calls him out on it.

I also like Wolfwood stressing to Vash that Vash’s luck will someday run out. And Vash knows it. Vash knows he has been lucky til now. Wolfwood means it in a Vash’s life or the other person’s. Wolfwood wants Vash to chose his own life.

Annnnd Luraude was a puppet and no one knew. Even Vash with his supersenses didn’t sniff or hear him out. 

And I lov…hate… love… Legato. I mean, it is a planet full of bdsm-gear-wearing cowboys shooting each other up and he walks up like from a HIM concert all in a fucking iron maiden. Damn.

[siderealmaven]

Happy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Virgo!

Cards: 2 of Cups and Justice from the Tarot Manara

This is our first eclipse of 2024 and will be followed by a Solar Eclipse in Pisces on April 8th. This two week period, as well as the two weeks before and after, are what I will be referring to as “Eclipse Szn.”

During Eclipse Szn, I often emphasize the importance of rest. Ancient Astrologers believed eclipses to be malefic events, heralding the birth and death of kings, nations, and peoples. For the average person, this can be a tremulous time to be out and about as emotions are highly charged and people are more reactive than usual. Even if there is not an external commotion of energy taking up your atmosphere right now, there is surely something internal within all of us that is shifting like tectonic plates, revealing to us parts of ourselves once hidden.

If you have the ability and privilege, I would always recommend getting as much rest as you can during Eclipse Szn, because I view it as my responsibility as an astrologer to advise others in the same way that I would advise my loved ones. Which is to not pile more on your plate, to not push things that will get done in their own time, and to prioritize taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically, as Eclipse Szn is when we need this care the most.

While some may try to harness this energy into something productive, the truth is that pushing, forcing, and using speed at this time can be detrimental to your goals, especially as Mercury enters Aries today, where it will soon Retrograde. Whatever it is you think you are forcing to happen now, just might slide back and require a rework because you rushed into something that requires meticulous patience.

The 2 of Cups calls upon us to consider our relationships at this time, from your relationship to yourself to your relationship with your family, friends, coworkers, and community, etc. This is a card that speaks to a pure and innocent connection where both partners feel safe embodying their full emotions and sense of self. A connection without judgement, manipulation, or expectation; just a dedication to seeing and accepting the other person as they are, whatever that may look like at any given time.

The Justice card asks us to consider the cause and effect of these relationships, both externally and internally. What are the tangible physical and emotional consequences of engaging in these relationships? Under this Virgo Moon and Pisces Sun, the answer can be difficult to decipher as our data may be incomplete or incongruences between the physical and emotional do not seem to entirely add up. It may feel like people say one thing and then do another. Perhaps their actions or words communicate an intention but the result is something different.

And the “why” behind it all may seem just out of reach right now. Like an elephant in the room nobody comments on, like the answer to a test question that you know you know, but just cannot recall and put words to. You want to trust and believe your person, to take them at face value, but for some reason you don’t.

Together these cards ask to reflect on not just what our relationships can provide us; the give and take; but how our relationships actually make us feel. When looking at these cards, a fitting quote came to mind:

“One of the greatest mistakes is to judge policies and programs by their intentions and not their results.” —Milton Friedman

This quote makes me think about the incongruence between the intentions of our laws in the USA versus the actual effect of them. We are a country that wears our convictions proudly on our sleeve, declaring to the world that we are a symbol of freedom of speech and religion. And yet our laws punish and imprison people who practice these values when they do not align with the dominant culture, resulting in the opposite of it claims to stand for.

On the Justice card we see a Palestinian woman, gazing sorrowfully at the camera, half of her face hidden. I can’t help but to think of the way our President sends food to Palestine on parachutes as an show of good will, but the result is a massacre of everyone who dares to reach for it. Perhaps the “intention” is what they say, to provide relief for a starving population. But the Justice card would argue that the real intention is murder, for that is the ultimate result of such actions (which continue to be taken.)

This Full Moon is a time to reflect on the incongruence between the intentions of a relationship and the actual results of being in them. Are the people you are in relationship with telling you one thing and then doing another? Do they express intentions of love and care, only to make you feel judged and unworthy? Do they make promises on good intentions only to never follow through? If so, it might be time to consider that there was never truly an intention to follow through, but simply to placate, to lull you into complicity, to accept less than a connection that prioritizes love, respect, and honest communication.

It is easy to get stuck in feelings of being complacent. And it easy for an Eclipse to come along and shake you out of it in ways that you don’t expect. It is likely that during this Eclipse Szn, you will find that you have outgrown certain relationships, and even certain aspects of yourself. You no longer want to accept good intentions when there is no good result. You become tired of making promises to yourself that you can no longer keep (or perhaps, never have.) You grow tired of trying to meet the expectations of other people when you know deep down, you can’t or don’t really want to.

If this is the case, then now is the time to be honest with yourself. To be patient with yourself as these feelings come to light and change your perspective. To ask questions of both yourself and others, to really listen to the response, to think deeply about how the response makes you feel and why. If you know that a separation is on the horizon, then try your best to approach it with love, respect and honesty.

On the other hand… I want you to think about the relationships where you do feel seen, heard, respected and cared for. Who are the people that show up for you time and time again? Who are the people that never make you doubt them because they communicate clearly exactly where you stand? Who are the people who withhold their judgement and approach you with curiosity? Who are the people who hold you, who listen to you, who do their best to provide you with resources, tools, affection, and trust? Who is uplifting you?

These are the relationships that you want to focus on right now. These are the relationships that you want to invest in.

And I know that after talking about intentions and results being different that it can inspire feelings of suspicion and defensiveness. We have all been lied to and we have all been hurt. But what is not meant to be will fade on it’s own, what is meant to pass with this Eclipse will pass, and there is no sense of control to be gained here.

What you can control is showing up in your relationships with integrity, compassion, and sincerity. You can make sure your words and actions align with your intentions and convictions. You can move in ways that inspire others to do the same. That is your power.

Thank you so much for reading!

If you willing and able, please consider donating to Doctors Without Borders, an organization working to provide aid to the people in Palestine. Link Here.

originally published to @siderealmaven's Patreon.

[aelaer]

14 & 15 for the ask game? 🦕

What is your favorite part of the writing/editing/posting process? 

Researching. I love falling into research rabbit holes

Figuring out an absolutely brilliant plot point that came out of the blue. Reinvigorates a story for me every time.

When I write a piece of description/dialogue/etc that makes me go "holy crap that's so good".

Finishing. Finishing is a great feeling. The longer the story, the better the feeling.

Comments! Kudos will always be lovely but I grew up in the days where fanfic communities really came together with comments and there's still a bit of serotonin rush when I get a comment email. If I open it and the comment's over a couple lines long, the serotonin rush comes again before I've even registered what it says. (I know that comments take energy and effort that I don't always have myself so it's nothing I demand -- but because I know it takes work, I suppose it makes seeing the comment even sweeter.)

What is your least favorite part of the writing/editing/posting process? 

I luckily enjoy the majority of the process, including the editing (of at least my own writing; I am less good at being a consistent editor for others, and I'm very slow at editing RP logs haha). I'd say the worst part of it is when you want to write but something in life is making it difficult to write due to the lack of energy.

In the cleanup/polishing process (after the first or even second draft of a scene is done), going back in to the less interesting parts in a long fic (like over 10k) and beefing those parts up so quality remains consistent can be a bit of a chore sometimes. My beta (@coolnemmythings) is invaluable here at finding the parts I can strengthen and I try until my heart's no longer into it. Then it's "done" and up it goes.

Note for anyone who betas: see if the writer you're betaing for is comfortable with such suggestions. It goes beyond finding misspellings and cleaning up weird sentence structure and goes into poking into pacing, character motivation, pointing out where you may need more physical description or "showing not telling". It's very much the "next step" in the writing process and not all fic writers will be comfortable with this because it is 100% a type of criticism in the very technical sense, but I've 100% grown as a writer and my stories would not be where they are today without this invaluable assistance. I have grown as a writer because of her help.

PS. We're meeting IRL later this year and I cannot tell you how excited that makes me. Ugh she's so great.

[friendcorp]

I'm laughing so hard because I was talking to Nea last night when I brought him onboard to help me out with managing this whole project and I was like "my man the interaction are off the charts I'm getting messages while I'm trying to respond to messages and then I'll get DMs while I'm trying to respond to the messages I got during the other messages! I need help"

But it was like 3 AM so it was fairly quiet and he was still absolutely losing his mind over like 4 or 10 notes he was genuinely going "4 NOTES!!!! 10 NOTES!!!" The man was literally refreshing the page, and if there was even 1 new note on a post he would rush to check who liked/reblogged/commented. The second he goes to bed we instantly got like 20 followers and the notes spiked and I was just sitting there like "he's literally not going to believe this..." I'm already anticipating the messages I'm going to get when he sees the activity feed/inbox/art.

I didn't expect this much of a reaction to this silly project and I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see you all celebrating one another's OCs it makes me so happy to see all the art, all the tags and comments. It's not just love for your own OCs, but so much love for all the OCs as a whole, and that genuinely makes me feel things, because I remember what it was like to have so many OCs for so long and wishing I could share them with people. The fact that so many of you can not only share your OCs with me, but celebrate one another's OCs together through this project is something that warms my heart.

Thank you all. Not just for the submissions, the art, the comments; but also for loving one another's creations, for coming out and drawing each other's blorbos, for genuinely celebrating the entirety that is Friend Corp. This project truly is a celebration of both a beloved game and our amazing community who is coming together for it.

-Cryptid